Spec - Broad City - A Smaller Pig
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Transcript of Spec - Broad City - A Smaller Pig
BROAD CITY
"A Smaller Pig"
written by
Matthew Norman Kennedy
PRODUCTION COMPANY NAMEAddress Line 1 DRAFT NAMEAddress Line 2City, State Zip code MM DD, YYYY
SERIES TITLE
"Episode Title"
CAST
CHARACTER NAME............................................... ACTOR
CHARACTER NAME............................................... ACTOR
CHARACTER NAME............................................... ACTOR
CHARACTER NAME............................................... ACTOR
CHARACTER NAME............................................... ACTOR
CHARACTER NAME............................................... ACTOR
GUEST CAST
TBD.......................................................... ACTOR
ii.
SERIES TITLE
"Episode Title"
SETS
Teaser, Scene A - Scene Heading
Act One, Scene B - Scene Heading
Act Two, Scene C - Scene Heading
Tag, Scene D - Scene Heading
iii.
COLD OPEN
INT. ABBI’S APARTMENT(ABBI, ILANA, BEVERS)
ABBI IS MAKING BREAKFAST, AND SEEMS HAPPIER THAN USUAL. SHE WALKS OVER TO THE DOOR AND GRABS THE MAIL. WITHIN THE ENVELOPES IS PACKAGE WITH A ENVELOPE TAPED TOO SECURELY, LABELED “FROM MOM & DAD”. SHE OPENS IT. THE CARD READS:
“Happy Birthday to our special girl!
35 already?! Love Mom & Dad”
ABBI SMILES AT THE CARD.
ABBI(to self)
25. I’m 25.
ABBI OPENS THE PRESENT THAT THE CARD WAS ATTACHED TO. IT’S A PAIR OF REEBOKS.
ABBI (CONT’D)
I needed these.
SHE PUTS THEM ON. ABBI OPENS THE REFRIGERATOR AND PULLS OUT A CAKE FROM A GROCERY STORE BAKERY. INSCRIBED IN THE CAKE IS:
“Happy Birthday to Name!”
BEVERS COMES OUT FROM HIS ROOM, AND NOTICES THE CAKE.
BEVERS
Oh, cake!
BEVERS WALKS OVER TO THE CAKE, AND OPENS THE BOX WHILE ABBI IS TURNED AWAY.
BEVERS (CONT’D)
Who’s birthday is it?
ABBI
It’s my birthday. I turned 25 today.
Me and Ilana are cele--
SHE TURNS AROUND TO FIND BEVERS ON WHAT APPEARS TO BE HIS SECOND SLICE OF CAKE.
ABBI (CONT’D)
Goddammit, Bevers! That was for me and
Ilana! And are you eating a second
slice?!
BEVERS
I have a high metabolism.
ABBI
Metabolism doesn’t mean you eat
faster.
BEVERS
I never called myself a man of
science.
THERE’S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
ILANA (O.S.)
Open up!
ABBI OPENS THE DOOR.
ILANA (CONT’D)
Happy Birthday!
A SMALL PIG RUNS INTO THE APARTMENT FROM BETWEEN ILANA’S LEGS.
ABBI
What the hell is that?!
ILANA OPENS HER ARMS WIDE, AS IF TO PRESENT.
ILANA
It’s a mini pig!
ABBI
That pig’s not mini!
"Epidode Title" 2.
THE PIG RUNS INTO A STOOL AT THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND KNOCKS IT OVER. (OR SOMETHING DESTRUCTIVE)
ILANA
I will agree that it’s not as mini as
I would have hoped, but it was the
smallest they had.
ABBI
Who’s they, Ilana?
CUT TO:
EXT. PIG FARM(ILANA, FARMER)
ILANA AND A FARMER ARE WATCHING PIGS RUN AROUND A PEN.
FARMER
Well we don’t have any mini pigs per
se, but we do have that runt out
there.
HE POINTS THE RUNT OUT TO ILANA. THE PIG DOESN’T SEEM TO HAVE ANY FRIENDS.
FARMER (CONT’D)
Smallest of the bunch.
PIG FALLS INTO A MUD-PUDDLE. ILANA LAUGHS, WHILE FARMEDOESN’T.
FARMER (CONT’D)
Hardest to sell. You can have it.
CUT TO:
INT. ABBI’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS(ABBI, ILANA)
ABBI
So it’s not a mini pig at all. It’s
just a smaller pig.
"Epidode Title" 3.
ILANA
Awesome, right? It’s even more rare
than a mini pig.(beat)
I wish I had a smaller pig.
ABBI
Take this one then! I don’t want some
local farm’s charity case.
ILANA
Abbi, you can’t just re-gift your pig
to me.
ABBI
Where did you even get this?
ILANA
Staten Island.
ABBI
You can get pigs on Staten Island?
ILANA
You can get anything on Staten Island.
CUT TO:
EXT. PIG FARM - CONTINUOUS(ILANA, FARMER)
ILANA TURNS TO THE FARMER.
ILANA
Do you have anything for like...
ILANA RUFFLES THROUGH HER PURSE, AND PULLS OUT A FIVE DOLLAR BILL.
ILANA (CONT’D)
...a crisp fiver?
"Epidode Title" 4.
FARMER
I got this rusty handgun.
FARMER PULLS OUT GUN.
ILANA
Ooo!
END OF COLD OPEN
EXT. ABBI’S APARTMENT(ILANA, ABBI)
ABBI STORMS OUT THE FRONT DOOR OF HER BUILDING, THE PIG RUNNING AHEAD OF HER ON LEASH. ILANA RUNS OUT SECONDS LATER, BEHIND HER.
ILANA
Where are you going?
ABBI
I’m taking this pig back to Staten
Island! Alone!
PIG OINKS.
ILANA
Do you even know how to get there?
ABBI
I’ll figure it out!
ABBI, ILANA AND THE PIG REACH THE END OF THE BLOCK. ABBI AND THE PIG LOOK IN BOTH DIRECTION, WHILE ILANA WATCHES ABBI A FEW FEET BEHIND.
ABBI (CONT’D)
Wait, which train goes to the ferry?
ILANA
See?! You need me!
"Epidode Title" 5.
ABBI
If you just tell me which one, I can
go myself.
ILANA
But what if you get into trouble? You
don’t know your way around Staten
Island.
ILANA REACHES INTO HER PURSE AND GRABS THE HANDGUN.
ILANA (CONT’D)
Cause I got this too!
ABBI
What the hell?!
ILANA
It was on sale! 5 bucks. Cool, right?
ABBI
No, not cool.
ILANA
Trade you for those sweet Reeboks.
ABBI
No, my parents got these for my
birthday.
ABBI TAKES THE GUN AND LOOKS AROUND FOR A PLACE TO PUT IT, THEN NEATLY PLACES IT ON A NEARBY TRASH CAN.
ABBI (CONT’D)
Okay, now you can come, but you take
the pig.
ABBI HANDS ILANA THE LEASH.
"Epidode Title" 6.
ILANA
Yay! I get the pig!
ILANA TAKES OFF LEFT.
INT. SUBWAY CAR(ILANA, ABBI, HOT GUY)
ILANA, THE PIG, AND ABBI, RESPECTIVELY, SIT ON A MODERATELY FULL SUBWAY CAR. PEOPLE LOOK UP FROM THEIR PAPERS AND DEVICES DISAPPROVINGLY.
ABBI
You know he didn’t need his own seat.
ILANA
She is part of our sisterhood now. And
you’re being a real Birthday Bitch.
ABBI RECOGNIZES THIS AND SIGHS.
ABBI
I’m sorry, Ilana. I appreciate that
you got me such a...(eyes the pig)
...unique gift, but you never get me
gifts. We just have a girls day and
I’m happy with that.
ILANA
No, I’m sorry. I just wanted to give
you something real for once.
THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND SMILE AND HUG.
ABBI
I like the pig.
ILANA
We should name her!
"Epidode Title" 7.
ABBI
Ok, that might be a little--
ILANA
Charlotte!
ABBI
Charlotte?
ILANA
Like from that book we had as kids.
ABBI
No, the spider was Charlotte. The pig
was Wilbur.
ILANA LOOKS CONFUSED.
ABBI (CONT’D)
Charlotte’s a great name.
THE TRAIN STOPS AT A STATION, WHERE A HOT GUY ENTERS THE TRAIN. HE WALKS UP THE CAR LOOKING FOR A SEAT.
ABBI (CONT’D)
Oh my god, Ilana. Look at that guy.
ILANA TURNS HER HEAD, AS DOES CHARLOTTE. ILANA’S JAW DROPS AND CHARLOTTE OPENS HER MOUTH. ILANA SLIDES HER BODY TO THE END, LEAVING A GAP BETWEEN HER AND ABBI & CHARLOTTE. THE HOT GUY WALKS BACK TOWARD THEIR END OF THE CAR.
ILANA
Put the pig on your lap.
ABBI
What why?
ILANA
Just trust me.
"Epidode Title" 8.
ABBI, HESITANT, PUTS CHARLOTTE ON HER LAP. THE HOT GUY SEES THIS AND SITS BETWEEN THE GIRLS. ABBI & ILANA LOOK AT EACH OTHER, TRYING NOT TO LET THE HOT GUY NOTICE.
ILANA (CONT’D)(mouthed, to Charlotte)
Charlotte! CHARLOTTE!
CHARLOTTE OINKS, AND ILANA QUICKLY TURNS BACK AS IF NOTHING HAS HAPPENED. ABBI IMMEDIATELY GETS WORRIED.
ABBI(to Charlotte)
Shush.
HOT GUY IS NOW PEEKING AT THE PIG, SMILING, THEN AT ABBI. SHE LOOKS BACK.
ABBI (CONT’D)(to Hot Guy)
Sorry.
HOT GUY
Haha, no problem. What’s her name?
ABBI
Oh? It’s, um, Charlotte.
HOT GUY
That’s a beautiful name. How about
your’s?
ABBI
Abbi.
HOT GUY(to Charlotte)
Uh oh, Charlotte, shes got you beat.
ABBI BLUSHES, CHARLOTTE OINKS. ILANA LEANS FORWARD, BEHIND HOT GUY, SO ABBI CAN SEE HER. SHE DOES AN BON-APPITITE STYLE KISS OF THE TIPS HER FINGERS, FOLLOWED BY OPENING THEM IN THE AIR. THEN SHE GET GETS AN IDEA, TURNS TO ABBI SO SHE CAN READ HER LIPS.
"Epidode Title" 9.
ILANA(Mouthed)
Rescue! Rescue!
ABBI(Looking at Ilana)
Wha--?(to Hot Guy)
She’s a rescue.
HOT GUY LOOKS IMPRESSED.
HOT GUY
Wow, that’s so honorable of you. You
know how many people these days
support the crossbreeding of mini-
pigs? It’s nice to meet a someone who
really cares about animals.
ABBI
You seem to be the one who’s
passionate about our four legged
friends.
HOT GUY
Ah, you got me.
HOT GUY PULLS OUT A BADGE.
HOT GUY (CONT’D)
I’m a vet.
ABBI(looking at Badge)
At the Central Park Zoo?!
"Epidode Title" 10.
HOT GUY
Perks of being at the top of your
class.
ILANA LEANS FORWARD AGAIN, THIS TIME WITH A TWENTY DOLLAR BILL IN HER HAND. SHE COMPRESSES & DECOMPRESSES IT.
ILANA(Mouthed to Abbi)
Ching! Ching!
HOT GUY LOOKS OUT THE SUBWAY WINDOW.
HOT GUY
Nuts, this is my stop.
HE TAKES OUT HIS WALLET, AND REMOVES A BUSINESS CARD. HE STANDS UP AND HANDS THE CARD TO ABBI.
HOT GUY (CONT’D)
Lemme know if you ever want a tour.
HE EXITS THE SUBWAY. ILANA’S JAW IS DROPPED
ABBI
Ilana, who knows where this pig can
take us?
ILANA DARTS FOR THE MAP, AND PUTS HER FINGER ON WHERE SHE WANTS TO GO.
ILANA
Oh, I know.
THE SPEAKER IN THE CAR ANNOUCES: “NEXT STOP: PRINCE ST.” WE THEN SEE ILANA SMILING AS WHAM!’S “WAKE ME UP” PLAYS.
EXT. SOHO(ABBI, ILANA)
ABBI, ILANA, AND CHARLOTTE STROLL DOWN THE STREET WITH THE AIR OF ARISTOCRATS.
INT. CHLOE CLOTHING STORE(ABBI, ILANA, SALESPERSON)
"Epidode Title" 11.
ABBI & ILANA ENTER, BOTH WEARING SUNGLASSES, ABBI HOLDING CHARLOTTE IN HER ARMS. A SALESPERSON RUNS UP.
SALESPERSON
Excuse me ladies, but you cannot bring
that...(whispered)
...pig...(normal)
...in our store.
THE GIRLS DROP THEIR JAWS. ABBI REMOVES HER GLASSES, LOOKING AT THE GROUND. SHE LOOKS AT THE SALESPERSON.
ABBI
I see you’re not aware of who you’re
speaking to.
ILANA
Mmhmm.
ABBI
Her name is Charlotte. She is a rescue
and member of my family. But if you
need to, you can speak to my husband,
the Head of Medicine at Central Park
Zoo.
ABBI HANDS HER THE BUSINESS CARD.
ILANA
You know the C.P.Z/?
SALESPERSON(Looking up from card)
I’m aware? My apology.
ILANA
Forgiven.
"Epidode Title" 12.
SALESPERSON DOESN’T RETURN CARD.
ABBI(Pointing to card, partially dropping act)
I’m just gonna need--
SALESPERSON RETURNS THE CARD SUSPICIOUSLY.
ABBI (CONT’D)
--oh, yeah, thanks.
THE GIRLS MODEL CLOTHES OUTSIDE THE DRESSING ROOM FOR EACH OTHER, INCLUDING CHARLOTTE IN A BABY’S PINK DRESS.
INT. GODIVA CHOCOLATS(ABBI, ILANA)
THE GIRLS SHARE CHOCOLATES WITH CHARLOTTE. WHEN NO ONE’S LOOKING, ILANA TONGUES A CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN.
INT. NEW MUSEUM(ABBI, ILANA)
THE GIRLS LOOK AT PIECES OF MODERN ART.
EXT. SOHO(ABBI, ILANA)
ILANA
Hey look, what I got for Charlotte.
ILANA PULLS A THE SMALL, PINK DRESS THAT CHARLOTTE MODELED.
ABBI
Ilana, how did you pay for that?!
ILANA
With my five-finger-coupon.
ABBI
You, stole from one of the most
expensive stores in the country?!
"Epidode Title" 13.
ILANA
Borrowed. Only until we drop her off.
Then I’ll return it to the store.
ABBI LOOKS AT THE PIG AND BACK AT ILANA.
ABBI
Okay. But we have to return it today,
alright?
ILANA
Absolutely.
ILANA LOOKS AT HER PHONE.
ILANA (CONT’D)
Oh shit!
ABBI
What’s wrong?
ILANA
The farm closes at 8. We only have an
hour to get there.
EXT. PIG FARM - NIGHT(ABBI, ILANA)
THE GIRLS ARRIVE AT THE ENTRANCE TO THE FARM, BUT THE GATE TO THE MAIN ROAD IS LOCKED. ILANA PULLS ON THE GATE.
ILANA
Dammit.(to Abbi)
Guess we gotta come back tomorrow.
ABBI
What?! No, I am not making this trek
again for a pig--
"Epidode Title" 14.
ILANA
Pet.
ABBI
For a pet that I don’t want.
ILANA POINTS AT CHARLOTTE.
ILANA
She heard all of that.
OINKING IS HEARD IN THE DISTANCE.
ABBI
Pigs!
ILANA
Wait, if we follow this fence around
the property, it’ll lead to the pig
pen.
ABBI
What if we get caught?
ILANA
What are they gonna do shoot us?
ABBI GIVES HER A LOOK THAT SAYS “YES”.
ILANA (CONT’D)
Yeah, I guess that wouldn’t be out of
the ordinary.
ABBI
You know what, I don’t care. I’ve
spent my whole birthday bring
Charlotte here, so I sure as hell will
be going empty handed.
"Epidode Title" 15.
CHARLOTTE OINKS.
PIG PEN
THE GIRLS WALK ALONG SIDE THE FENCE AS THEY COME UP TO THE BACK OF THE PIG PEN. THE FENCE BECOMES WIRE WHERE THE PIG PEN STARTS. ITS A VERY LARGE FIELD WITH SLEEPING PIGS EVERYWHERE. ILANA CLIMBS FIRST, FOLLOWED BY ABBI, WHO’S SHOE WE SEE STEP IN MUD.
ABBI
Aw man, I just got these.
ILANA(whispering)
Shh...we gotta be quiet. This is
espionage.
ABBI
Yea, this is just like that James Bond
scene in a pig pen.
ILANA
Which one was--
ABBI
Just go!
THEY SNEAK SLOWLY THROUGH THE PIG PEN, PAST LARGE, SLEEPING PIGS. ILANA, WITH CHARLOTTE IN HER ARMS, STEPS ON A SQUIGGLY TAIL. SHE FREEZES, SWINGING HER ARM OUT TO HALT ABBI, NOW HOLDING CHARLOTTE LIKE A RUNNING BACK.
ILANA
Losing balance.
ABBI
Don’t lose balance.
ILANA’S BODY IS SHAKING AS SHE PHYSICALLY MULTITASKS.
"Epidode Title" 16.
ABBI (CONT’D)
Happy thoughts: Zabars, Fireball,
James Spader...
ILANA
He’s so hot, but he’s not.
ABBI
I know, it’s weird.
ILANA RELAXES, AND LIFTS HER FOOT OFF OF THE TAIL. THE LARGE PIG LETS OUT A BLOOD CURDLING “REEEEEKKKKK”, FOLLOWED BY A GROWING WAVE OF THE SAME SOUND HURDLING TOWARD THE MAIN COMPLEX. ALL THE LIGHTS IN THE COMPLEX COME ON, AS A FARMER EMERGES IN SHADOW.
FARMER
Who’s out there?!
THE GIRLS DUCK BEHIND AN ADJACENT LOG.
ILANA
CRAP! WHAT DO WE DO?!
ABBI
LEMME TALK HIM DOWN.
ILANA
WHAT?
ABBI
IT’S WHAT JAMES BOND WOULD DO!
ILANA
YOU’RE NOT JAMES BOND!
ABBI
I THOUGHT I WAS JAMES BOND!
ILANA
I WAS JUST BEING POSITIVE!
"Epidode Title" 17.
ABBI
Trust me, Ilana.
ABBI STANDS UP, AND RE-POSTURES HERSELF PROFESSIONALLY.
ABBI (CONT’D)(to Farmer)
We’ve never met. My name is--
A BULLET BLASTS INTO ABBI’S SHOULDER. SHE FLYS BACK.
ABBI (CONT’D)
Nonononononono.
ILANA
Abbi!
ILANA RUSHES OVER, CHARLOTTE RUNS TO THE OTHER SIDE.
ILANA (CONT’D)
You’re gonna be fine. Everything’s
gonna be okay, right Charlotte.
CHARLOTTE OINKS. ABBI LOOKS LIKE A GHOST STARING STRAIGHT INTO THE NIGHT SKY IN SHOCK.
ABBI
I’ve been shot, I’ve been shot, I’ve
been shot...
ILANA
We should’ve brought the handgun!
ABBI
This is what it’s like to die...
ILANA
James Bond gets shot, he gets shot, in
almost every movie.
"Epidode Title" 18.
ABBI
Put pressure on it.
ILANA PRESSES HER MUDDY HAND INTO THE WOUND.
ABBI (CONT’D)
You’re pushing mud in my wound.
ILANA(crying)
I’m sorry! I’m just a Moneypenny!
SUDDENLY HUGE SPOT LIGHTS COME ON AROUND THE PEN, ILLUMINATING IT LIKE FENWAY PARK. TRUCKS BREAK THROUGH THE BARRICADE. ONE OF THE DOORS OPENS, AND THE HOT GUY GETS OUT.
ILANA (CONT’D)
Help! Lady down!
THE HOT GUY RUNS OVER.
HOT GUY
Hey, you’re the girls from the train.
What are doing at this illegal
slaughter house.
ABBI
Slaughterhouse?
ILANA
Wh, rh, uh, rescuing more pigs?
HOT GUY PUTS HIS HAND ON ILANA’S SHOULDER.
HOT GUY
Tonight, you’re heroes.
ABBI
I’m heroes...
PIG FARM - LATER(ABBI, ILANA, HOT GUY)
"Epidode Title" 19.
ABBI IS GETTING BANDAGED IN THE BACK OF AN AMBULANCE, WHILE ILANA AND THE HOT GUY ARE ABOUT 20 FEET IN FRONT OF THE OPEN AMBULANCE DOORS.
HOT GUY(to Ilana)
You’re really brave to try to do what
you did.
ILANA
Sometimes I don’t even think of
myself, I just do for
another...animal?
HOT GUY
You know I knew there was something
special about you when we met.
ABBI MAKES A STINK FACE.
ILANA
That’s me, always the Moneypenny.
THEY BOTH FAKE LAUGH.
ABBI(to Herself)
What?
HOT GUY
Hey, have you ever gotten a real tour
of the Central Park Zoo?
ILANA
I don’t think I have.
ABBI
Three years ago!
"Epidode Title" 20.
ILANA
Alot happens in three years.
HOT GUY
Well I’d love to give you one if
you’re ever free.
ILANA
Absolutely.
ILANA RUNS BACK TO THE AMBULANCE, HOPS IN ACROSS FROM ABBI
ILANA (CONT’D)(to Abbi)
Guess who’s got a zoo-date?
ABBI
You stole my fake-husband.
ILANA
Yeah, but now you can get a divorce,
bleed him for everything he’s got, and
we can run off into the sunset.
ABBI
Surprisingly enough, this was one of
the be...(pause)
...this was one of the most exciting
birthday’s I’ve ever had.
ILANA
Mission Accomplished.
JAMES BOND THEME PLAYS. THE AMBULANCE DOORS CLOSE, AND THE AMBULANCE DRIVES OFF INTO THE SUNRISE.
CENTRAL PARK ZOO - CAMEL EXHIBIT - DAY(ILANA, HOT GUY)
"Epidode Title" 21.
ILANA AND HOT GUY ARE INSIDE THE CAMEL DEN, AND ILANA IS CLEARLY GROSSED OUT.
HOT GUY
That’s Max, he was an Al-Qaeda drug
runner in Afghanistan until we rescued
him 3 years ago.
MAX WALK UP TO ILANA, WHO IS STANDING STIFF AS A BOARD. HE SNEEZES INTO HER FACE. THEN HE STARTS PULLING ON HER HAIR.
HOT GUY (CONT’D)
Oh, and he loves hair!
ILANA
He sure does.
MAX POOPS.
FADE TO BLACK.
"Epidode Title" 22.