SOUR PATCH KIDS BECK AS A MIDDLE SCHOOL BOY BIKES.) (BECK ... · beck as a middle school boy...

(JACOBSON)

SOUR PATCH KIDS

(VT)

(OPEN ON: OPEN COUNTRY ROAD. BECK AS A MIDDLE SCHOOL BOY BIKES.)

(MUSIC: UPBEAT FOLK)

(BECK CRASHES INTO A SET PIECE DESIGNED TO LOOK LIKE A TUNNEL AND FALLS)

(MUSIC: OUT)

(CUT TO: ANIMATED SOUR PATCH KID WITH HAMMER WALKING OUT FROM BEHIND THE SET PIECE)

MIKEY (V.O.)

First they’re sour.

(THE SOUR PATCH KID DROPS HIS HAMMER AND OFFERS BECK A BAND AID)

MIKEY (V.O.)

Then they’re sweet.

(BECK REACHES FOR THE BAND-AID. THE SOUR PATCH KID PULLS

SOUR PATCH KIDS 1

+

THE BAND AID BACK AND HITS BECK WITH A BASEBALL BAT)

MIKEY (V.O.)

Then they’re sour again.

(THE SOUR PATCH KID HOLDS OUT AN ICE PACK)

MIKEY(V.O.)

Then they’re sweet again. This

is their little game.

(THE SOUR PATCH KID TAKES OUT A PISTOL AND SHOOTS BECK IN THE KNEECAP.)

(SFX: GUN SHOT)

(BECK SCREAMS)

MIKEY(V.O.)

Shooting a child in the

kneecap is sour.

(THE SOUR PATCH KID FANS A STACK OF HUNDRED DOLLAR BILLS)

MIKEY(V.O.)

But money is sweet, right?

BECK

Is that enough to pay for my

mom’s operation?

(THE SOUR PATCH KID NODS, THEN EATS THE BILLS)

SOUR PATCH KIDS 2

+

MIKEY (V.O.)

Wrong. Now the pain is

psychological.

(PETE ENTERS AS SPORTY KID IN HELMET, ELBOW AND KNEE PADS)

PETE

Hey dude, who’s your friend?

BECK

Run.

PETE

Oh my god, are you bleeding?

(THE SOUR PATCH KID CUTS A ROPE WITH A MACHETE AND A CAGE FALLS ON PETE.)

PETE

Dude, I don’t like this.

(THE SOUR PATCH KID KNEELS DOWN AND STROKES BECK’S CHEEK GENTLY, THEN SLAPS HIM)

BECK

What are you?

(THE SOUR PATCH KID RIPS A CHAIN SAW)

(MUSIC: IN)

(CUT TO: YELLOW BACKGROUND WITH SADISTIC PATCH KIDS LOGO)

SOUR PATCH KIDS 3

+

MIKEY V.0.

Sadistic patch kids. Sour,

sweet, enjoying this.

SOUR PATCH KIDS 4

+

(JACOBSON)

FIRESIDE CHAT COLD OPEN

(OPEN ON: WHITE HOUSE DIPLOMATIC RECEPTION ROOM. ALEC BALDWIN AS TRUMP SITS AT A DESK SPEAKING INTO SEVERAL RADIO MICROPHONES)

ALEC

Testing. Testing. I saw Susie

sitting in a shoe shine shop.

And she was beautiful, let me

tell you. You know, I’m going

to be very good at these

fireside chats. All the ladies

I talk to on the phone at

night tell me I have a great

voice for radio. Tell me when

we’re going live.

(CUT TO: ALEX AS PAUL MANAFORT, KATE AS JEFF SESSIONS, AND BECK AS PENCE

FIRESIDE CHAT 1

+

LISTENING IN ADJACENT WHITE HOUSE ROOM. THEY ALL WEAR HEADSETS.)

ALEX

We are live, sir.

(CUT TO: DIPLOMATIC RECEPTION ROOM)

ALEC

I know that voice. Manafort?

They let you out of jail?

Because all of us are totally

innocent?

ALEX

No, they thought sending me

back here would be worse than

any prison.

BECK

I just thought of something

horrible. Are the table’s legs

showing?

ALEX

It’s a radio broadcast Mr.

Vice President.

FIRESIDE CHAT 2

+

BECK

Right.

KATE

Salutations Mr. President,

it’s me, Jeff Sessions. Just

wanted to share that I think

this is a fine idea. Finer

than a peanut broil in July.


ALEC

I know Jeff, now shut up.

We’re live. My friends- is

this thing on? I’m joking, I’m

joking. Ok. My friends- it’s

me, The President. Of the

United States. Donald Trump. I

know. Welcome to the first of

my fireside chats. There will

be many more, and they will be

very good. Now what I’m here

FIRESIDE CHAT 3

+

to talk about with you all

today is horses.

(CUT TO: ADJACENT ROOM)

BECK

Is this in the script?

ALEX

Actually...yes?

KATE

Ooh boy, I love horses.


ALEC

Horses in this country are

incredible. Incredible horses.

We have big horses, small

horses. Fabulous, truly

fabulous horses. We have a lot

of horses here. Depending on

how you count it anywhere

between some horses and many

horses. That’s a lot of horses

folks.


FIRESIDE CHAT 4

+

ALEX

Do we...do something?

BECK

When have we ever?

KATE

Shhhhh! Horses!


ALEC

And there’s not just one type

of horse here and that type of

horse there. No. There are all

different kinds of horses. So

many types of horses, you

wouldn’t believe it. I’ve got

a list of some of them here.

The American Quarter Horse.

The Thoroughbred.


KATE

I hope he says the Appaloosa.


FIRESIDE CHAT 5

+

ALEC

The Appaloosa. All great,

fabulous, spectacular American

horses. Now you’re probably

thinking, that’s it. That’s

all the horses. But- and I

just learned this today folks-

there are many other types of

horses. There’s the Andalusian

horse, the Missouri Fox

Trotter.


BECK

Say Warm Blood.


ALEC

The Warm Blood.


BECK

Ooooohhhhh.


FIRESIDE CHAT 6

+

ALEC

Wonderful, very good,

impressive horses. All having

a wonderful time, here in the

United States. Horses should

thank me, they’re getting it

so good here. You know I met a

horse once. It was in the oval

office. I’ll never forget it.

Very nice. Very nice horse. I

pet him on the nose, gave him

a sugar cube. I was very good

to him, the horse. And he

knows it. He’s very thankful

to me.


ALEX

Honestly guys, all things

considered, this is not the

worst speech he’s ever given.


FIRESIDE CHAT 7

+

ALEC

Horses are measured in hands.

Not feet. Hands. Can you

believe this? Still, they’re

measuring horses in hands.


(KATE’S POSSUM TALE POPS UP BEHIND HER AND TAPS BECK ON THE SHOULDER, STARTLING HIM)

BECK

Who’s there? If that’s not my

wife I’ll have that hand cut

off!

KATE

Oh don’t mind that, that’s

just my tail. He’s a

trickster. Oh tail!

(THE TAIL DIPS DOWN AND POPS UP WITH A JAR OF PEANUTS)

KATE

Ooh he brought boiled peanuts!

Anybody?


FIRESIDE CHAT 8

+

ALEC

Now get this folks, and I’m

not making this up, if you

want to know how tall a horse

is, and many American horses

are very tall, you measure

where the neck meets the back,

and that’s called- and again,

seriously, ok, I’m not making

this up: the withers. I mean,

unbelievable.


(KATE EATING PEANUTS)

KATE

You measure horses to the

withers? Why that is a gas.

ALEX

That is odd isn’t it? Withers.

BECK

With- with- you can’t say that

on the radio!


FIRESIDE CHAT 9

+

(BECK STORMS THE SPACE, KATE AND ALEX FOLLOW)

BECK

Stop it! Stop the broadcast!

ALEX

Mike this is live!

BECK

Mr. President I would stand by

your side probably through a

genocide but saying with- with-

that word on the radio, that

is where I draw the line, sir!

(KATE STILL EATING PEANUTS)

KATE

What a raucous!

ALEC

Mike, I finally get a chance

to connect with the American

people over something non

partisan, horses, and you

spoil the whole thing over-can

you believe it folks-withers?

FIRESIDE CHAT 10

+

KATE

Well ain’t that sweet.

BECK

You really wanted to connect

with the American people?

TRUMP

No, there’s some stuff about a

feather duster backstage at a

Miss America pageant in ‘98

coming out and I need a

distraction.

ALEX

And again, we’re still live.

ALEC

I know. I think we’re done

here but before I go I just

have to say two things:

Crooked Hillary and Live from

New York it’s Saturday Night!

FIRESIDE CHAT 11

+

(JACOBSON)

CHRISTMAS EVE

(OPEN ON: A LIVING ROOM ON CHRISTMAS EVE. CHRISTMAS LIGHTS AND STOCKINGS HANG ABOVE A BURNING FIREPLACE. ORNAMENTS SPARKLE ON A TREE.)

HIGGINS (V.O.)

‘Twas the night before

Christmas and all through the

house, not a creature was

stirring, not even a mouse.

(MUSIC: TWINKLY DREAM)

HIGGINS (V.O.)

The stockings were hung by the

chimney with care in hopes

that St. Nicholas soon would

be there.

(SFX: THUMP)

CHRISTMAS EVE 1

(LARRY DAVID AS SANTA LIKE JEW CRAWLING OUT FROM THE CHIMNEY IN A BLUE VELVET JUMPSUIT, FANNY PACK, AND KIPPAH)

LARRY

Oy. You think they could’ve

had a longer chimney? Yeesh. A

Christmas tree?

(SHOUTING UP THE CHIMNEY)

LARRY

Schlomo! Hey schlomo. I don’t

think this is the right house-

(AIDY AS A WHOVILLE LIKE LITTLE GIRL IN PIGTAILS AND FOOTY PAJAMAS)

AIDY

Santa?

LARRY

Oy gezunt men zikh-

AIDY

Santa? Is it really you?

LARRY

Not exactly.

AIDY

Who are you?

CHRISTMAS EVE 2

LARRY

I’m Shmuel. Shmuel the

Hanukkah guy. Who are you?

AIDY

I’m Cynthia. Cynthia

Hollingsworth.

LARRY

Cynthia Hollingsworth?

(SHOUTING UP THE CHIMNEY)

LARRY

I definitely don’t think this

house is one of ours.

AIDY

Who are you talking to,

Shmuel?

LARRY

My camels.

AIDY

Camels?

LARRY

You don’t know who I am. Of

course not. Sit down Cynthia.

(THEY SIT ON THE SOFA)

CHRISTMAS EVE 3

LARRY

Have you heard of Santa?

AIDY

You know him?

LARRY

We’re cordial. You see, I’m

very similar to Santa, except

Jewish. You know how Santa has

a workshop in the North Pole?

Well I have a workshop too, in

Israel where I spend all year

making toys. Except not on

Saturdays. That’s Shabbat.

AIDY

Sha-what?

LARRY

Shabbat. It’s a day of rest.

Eh sort of like nap time but

for a whole day, once a week.

AIDY

Naptime for a whole day!

CHRISTMAS EVE 4

LARRY

Yeah it’s not bad, it’s not

bad. And every December when

Hanukkah comes I put all of my

toys in my camel drawn sleigh

and ride allll over Israel and

the US and a couple of the

other ones delivering toys to

the good Jewish boys and

girls.

AIDY

I know Israel. My mommy says

the declaration of Israel as a

state was illegitimate because-

LARRY

A ta ta ta ta let’s not get

into that.

AIDY

Why not?

LARRY

Why don’t you have your mother

brush you up on your 1940s

European history and then

CHRISTMAS EVE 5

we’ll talk about the

legitimacy of Israel, k?

AIDY

Ok. Do you keep a naughty nice

list?

LARRY

Yeah. Well a mean or mensch

list. I check it myself. I’m

very good. Before I did this I

was an accountant.

AIDY

Shmuel, am I mean or a mensch?

LARRY

Well Cynthia, I don’t know.

Becase you’re not Jewish.

AIDY

If I’m not Jewish, then what

are you doing in my house?

LARRY

That’s a good point. It looks

like my camel Schlomo made a

mistake guiding us again.

CHRISTMAS EVE 6

He’ll never use the GPS. Oy

vey Schlomo! Just use the GPS!

You can see us on the map, it

adjusts for air traffic, the

whole thing’s easier. But I

should probably get going.

(HE STANDS)

AIDY

I wish I could be a part of

Hanukkah.

LARRY

What a little mensch. Well let

me see what I’ve got here.

(UNZIPPING HIS FANNY PACK)

LARRY

I don’t use a sack, it hurts

my back.

(SFX: TWINKLE MUSIC)

(HE MAGICALLY PULLS OUT A MENORAH)

LARRY

Here. A menorah. This is on

me, but you’re going to have

CHRISTMAS EVE 7

to ask your mom to buy the

candles and matches.

(HE STARTS UP THE CHIMNEY THEN COMES BACK)

LARRY

Oh and remind me tomorrow I

have to call doctor Greenberg.

His son’s getting married. Did

you hear?

AIDY

You’re coming back tomorrow?

LARRY

Yeah we gotta do this 7 more

times. Do me a favor ask your

mom if you can put out some

chopped liver, maybe some

seltzer water, in case my

stomach gets upset. Oh and uh,

Cynthia, maybe don’t tell your

parents about this little tête-

à-tête we had.

(GOING INTO THE CHIMNEY)

CHRISTMAS EVE 8

LARRY

Goodbye, Cynthia.

AIDY

Goodbye, Shmuel.

(SHE LAYS DOWN ON THE SOFA)

AIDY

Goodbye Shmuel...Shmuel...

(MUSIC: DREAMY)

(WAVE DREAM EFFECT: AIDY SLEEPING)

AIDY

Shmuel...Shmuel...

(CUT TO: CECILY AND BECK IN CHRISTMAS SWEATERS STANDING OVER AIDY)

CECILY

Cynthia darling, wake up! You

must have fallen asleep on the

couch waiting for Santa.

BECK

Merry Christmas darling.

AIDY

Mom? Dad? I had the strangest

dream.

CHRISTMAS EVE 9

BECK

Silly Cynthia. Go on, open

your presents.

(SHE CONSIDERS RED AND GOLD PRESENTS UNDER THE TREE THEN A MENORAH WRAPPED IN BLUE)

AIDY

What’s that one?

CECILY

I didn’t buy that. Honey, did

you?

BECK

No.

(AIDY UNWRAPS THE MENORAH)

AIDY

A menorah! It’s from him. Can

I light it?

CECILY

Well sure, honey, but just

don’t put it in the window, I

don’t want the neighbors

throwing rocks at it.

(AIDY LOOKS UP)

CHRISTMAS EVE 10

AIDY

Thank you, Shmuel!

(CUT TO: CYNTHIA’S ROOF TOP. SHMUEL HAS A SLEIGH DRAWN BY CAMELS)

LARRY

You’re welcome, Cynthia.

(HE GETS IN HIS SLEIGH)

LARRY

On Schlomo, on Yitzhak, on

Yaakov, and Hirshell-

(TAKING OFF INTO THE SKY)

LARRY

On Moshe on Izik on Avrom and

Yankel. Happy Hannukah to all,

and to all a great 8 nights!

Schlomo, please just use the

GPS! Oy vavoy!

AIDY (O.S.)

Mom, what’s chopped liver?

(OUT.)

CHRISTMAS EVE 11

SOUR PATCH KIDS BECK AS A MIDDLE SCHOOL BOY BIKES.) (BECK ... · beck as a middle school boy...

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