Self Realisation

MODULE 4 SELF-REALISATION

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4.1 Introduction and Theoretical Part

When we speak of empowerment we must keep in mind that we have 4 gateways to help

persons in a situation of disability to be more able to make choices for and by themselves.

So far we have spoken of autonomy (how to make more and more choices by oneself and to

know how to use available resources), self-regulation (how to get organized, plan an action

or project, adapt oneself, evaluate oneself in order to understand how to do things

differently or better next time), and psychological empowerment (building self-confidence

and self-esteem in order to feel one can have an impact on one's own life).

All these skills that you help to develop every day will help enable your child to have more

and more possible choices, to be more and more capable of deciding for himself!

There remains a very important fourth dimension to favor autonomy, the dimension that

makes it possible to make considerable progress with the other three dimensions, namely

what Wehmeyer calls self-realization.

Contrary to what the term might suggest in everyday language, self-realization

does not mean the ability to be efficient or to construct oneself!

So what does self-realization mean?

Two things that look easy on the face of it:

- getting to know oneself, better and better

- understanding oneself, oneself as well as others,

better and better

To know and understand oneself better – it's both easy and difficult!

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If you know and understand yourself better you will be able:

- to be more autonomous: the more I know who I am, the more I know how to make

choices that are important (meaningful) for me

- to have greater self-regulation: the more I know and understand myself, the more I

know what I can do alone and what help I need

- to have greater psychological empowerment: the better I know myself, the better I

know what is good for me. The better I understand myself, the more capable I am of

making important choices to help myself change the path of my life as I desire and

need.

Self-realization, better knowledge and understanding of oneself – these are very simple

everyday things that you have been doing for a long time. But maybe no one has ever told

you that all these things you do are important, and that it is essential to continue to cultivate

them, and even develop them further!

Helping your child to know himself and understand himself better means helping him to

have more and more resources to make wise choices about his present or future life as an

adult. And it means enabling him to take his life in his own hands more and more!

When we talk of self-determination and empowerment, what we mean is that

your main goal is that your child learn to know himself better in order to

realize more and more what is good for him, what he desires and needs. This

is what your common point of reference will be. It is precisely this that will

enable you to better know your child as he really is. And this is what will

enable to you move forward on a path you have built together for him.

What does it mean "to know oneself better"?

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First of all, we must say that it is a process.

A process is a movement that begins one day, for example today, because you so decide

with your child, and continues with no goal other than enabling your child to know himself

more and more. This movement has no end because there is no end to learning more about

oneself. But the process does have a goal – to help you move forward together on a path

that becomes increasingly clear in light of what your child experiences, thinks, feels, aspires

to, desires, and of what really motivates him.

This is why getting to know oneself better can begin at any age, regardless of one's

background, regardless of the type of disability we are dealing with.

Getting to know oneself better means beginning to learn how to listen to

and understand oneself

To accomplish all this your child of course needs your presence, your caring and desire as

parents to support your child in acquiring a necessarily boundless set of skills. This holds true

for you, and also for every phase that your child goes through. Indeed, are any of us limited

in our capacity to learn and experience? None of us are limited, of course!

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How can you help your child to get to know and understand himself better?

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There are many ways to learn more about ourselves and to find out who we are. People in a

situation of disability are often accustomed to having other persons tell them what's good

for them. Parents sometimes have the impression that they know better than the disabled

persons themselves. This also holds true for professionals, social workers, teachers,

managers in the work world, and even friends from time to time...

Play this "game", and you'll see it's fun

(and if it isn't, it will still give you lots of arguments!)

When you talk with friends, parents, professionals, or whomever else, propose the

following:

1. ask first of all: "do you agree with me (us) that people in a situation of disability have

the same rights as all of us?"

=> people usually answer " yes of course!!!" (if the majority of answers are "no" ask

why people in a situation of disability do not belong to the same human race as we

do)

2. then ask: "do you think you know yourself well?" (You try to find out whether each

person knows himself well as an individual).

3. then ask: "do you believe that the persons here (around the table, in the meeting

room, in the space that we are sharing, etc.) know you, who you are and what you

feel, as well as you know yourself intimately?"

=> You should get answers like: "I know myself better than others know me", "people

know that part of myself that I want to show or express", "maybe people know things

about me that I don't see, but I still know myself much better", etc.

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4. Lastly, ask: "can we give people in a situation of disability the same rights as we have,

and in particular can we recognize that they know themselves better than the people

around them?"

=> You should hear a unanimous "yes"!

5. Then move on to this simple question: "if you agree with that, then when can we, you

just like me, say "this is what you must do (or even what I am going to do for you)

because I am the one who knows that this is what is best for you!"?"

=> In most cases the people listening to you will start thinking and will realize that it

is absolutely necessary first of all to understand what the person in a situation of

disability feels, what he needs, what motivates him, etc... Just like you and I in

everyday life.

=> If they answer : "we are in a better position to know than people in a situation of

disability", then go back to the first question: "do you agree with me (us) that people

in a situation of disability have the same rights as all of us?" and take advantage of

the silence that follows to lead the group to think with you and repeat the same

steps we have just gone through thanks to this example!

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So how can you help your child to know and understand himself better?

Knowing and understanding oneself better – there's no end to it! You, like we, realize every

day that new areas of self-understanding constantly open up to each and every one of us!

For this program, however, we had to choose how to help you best.

So we decided to emphasize what we hope, with you and thanks to you, will enable you to

help your child to be closer to what he is today and what he desires to be tomorrow.

What we propose!

Helping your child to know and understand himself better means giving him, and giving you,

more and more resources to understand what characterizes and distinguishes him, beyond

the question of disability.

So we have designed a series of steps, to be taken over time, constantly going back and

forth, which should allow you to give optimal support to your child in what he is.

Our proposal can be divided into six points (which you can complete with any contribution

you believe useful and important in everyday life):

1. Talk about me to know me better (who am I? who are the people around me? My

disability? Let's talk about it!)

2. What I like and what I don't like!

What I would like (and how about starting to talk about my future?)

3. My strong points and my "weak" points (talk about what is easy and what I find

difficult now)

4. Understand my environment

5. Understand emotions (my own, other people's)

6. 6. Be able to take decisions and know how to take them

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4.2Practical Part

We will now propose specific situations and try to suggest some things you can do with your

child in everyday life so he can learn more about himself.

We have seen that it is preferable to use concrete tools to have a better chance of achieving

good results. Simply speaking with the person is often not enough. You must also build

something concrete with him to help him think and understand.

Whatever your child's disability might be, we encourage you to exchange with him using

some of the tools that we propose, but also you can also create tools yourself which meet

your child's needs even better. You are the one who knows him best!

How can you tell whether what you propose is adapted to your child?

There is only one single true indicator for that: what your child tells you (even without speaking)!

Indeed, there is no miracle solution, no ready-made tool that perfectly suits everyone.

Experience shows, however, that the more the tools are created by and for the person, the more

that person can master them and do something that helps him to know and understand himself

better.

Our advice:

Try all sorts of different tools (tools of the e-SUNET program and others), even those

that might seem not very adapted, and be very attentive to your child's reactions =>

if you give your child the opportunity to express what he likes and doesn't like, you

have already begun to enable him to know himself better (say what is good for

himself)

… There is no one single approach. Use any method as long as it works: writing

(traditional, or for example with syllables of different colors), photos, images,

drawings, pictograms, signs... What counts is that this will enable your child to be as

comfortable as possible in the exchanges you have with him. The more comfortable

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he feels with the material, the more room he'll have to organize his thoughts in a

way that is effective for him.

Keep records of what you do so that you can regularly look at what you've done, with

your child, what has progressed, what has changed etc. => that will enable your

entire family to see that the progress is real, sometimes slow, but it exists!

Some use portfolios that you fill with everything you've done together over time. But

you can also use a binder, notebooks, cardboard boxes, digital data bases of photos,

etc.

Learning to know oneself better is a process, as we've already said. A process means

that you need time. There is a certain logic in the series of points that we are going to

discuss, but you can take them in the order that best suits your child's present needs.

Don't hesitate to go back and forth between these different points. You will soon see

that they are interconnected!

4.2.1 Talk about myself to get to know myself better

There are many ways to talk about yourself! Saying who you are means that you have to

make choices because when you make a choice you can say what you know, what you

believe, what you would like, how others react to us, what others want for us, etc.

We will discuss many of these points in the chapter about self-realization. First of all, we

suggest that you help your child create his own portrait!

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This program is aimed at all parents and all persons in a situation of disability.

There is a great variety of situations of disability, and every individual, whether or not in a

situation of disability, has his own personality. For each one of us there are different

approaches and tools that are more or less useful, more or less accessible, and more or less

necessary.

In all the practical situations that we will now propose to you we will try to make sure that

they are useful to each one of you. But to do that, you, along with your child, must find the

method and the tool that suits you best.

Create your own portrait: how do you go about it?

Creating your own portrait means describing who you are.

Do you think that would be all that easy for you? Would you be able to say exactly who you

are right now?

What you think it's like for people in a situation of disability?

They often have a self-image based on the image that we communicate to them. These

images are not necessarily positive, they are often marked by difficulties, which makes

things complicated, and so it is harder for them than for others.

We are talking here of self-realization, getting to know and understand oneself better. So

what is the thing that is important to us?

Help the person, your child, to be able to describe himself as he truly sees

himself, and look at this perception face-to-face

To do that, your approach will depend on your child's age.

You can help your child understand who he is better and better as of early childhood.

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If your child is very young, for example under the age of 10, you will have to help him quite a

lot.

If your child has a sensorial or motor deficiency, the older he is the more likely it is that you

can have a discussion with him requiring fewer and fewer material tools (except for

communication tools that you will have set up with your child: sign language, braille, etc.).

If your child has an intellectual deficiency or psychic disorders you will perhaps need

concrete and visual tools for longer period of time.

Choose from among the tools we propose those tools which are the most meaningful for

you and your child. And if no tool seems to meet your needs, the best thing to do is

probably to understand the approach we propose for you and your child.

How can you help your child to create his own portrait?

As we have said, creating one's portrait means describing who one is.

What is important is to enable your child to be in an optimal position to be able to express

himself, without trying too much to stick to what you, parents or professionals helping him

want or need to hear.

The important thing for us is to obtain an image that says "this is what I believe, what I feel,

what I have the impression that I am."

What is the best way to do that? In other words, what is the best way to enable the person,

your child, to say what he thinks he is deep down, truly, and at the same time enable him to

situate himself in relations with other people, within the family, a group of friends, the work

world with colleagues, an alter-ego relationship (emotional, a friendship, a romantic or social

relationship)?

Comparing portraits as a tool for better self-knowledge shared by all!

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Comparing portraits means several things:

- The most important thing is to get, first of all and above all, the portrait of the person

himself, your child => and for that you will have to set up all the tools available

(maybe some tools that we present to you) to enable the child to speak for himself.

This requires that your child be able to say who he is with no limits, that he feels

free to say everything, even what might seem strange or surprising to him or perhaps

to you.

- insert AVS Noémie class class project video –

- Comparing portraits means shedding a different light on something, another

perception, in this case your own. It is therefore a way to open spaces for dialogue

and thought allowing each person, your child as well as you, to consider that the way

he perceives himself is not necessarily the way his parents perceive him. Maybe, in

fact this is likely, these perceptions even go far beyond the question of disability.

Maybe this even has something to do with relations between children and parents.

The important thing is not to determine who is right or wrong. How to take a path

together and finally meet in as positive a way as possible – this is what is extremely

important!

- Lastly, comparing portraits means opening up oneself to all perceptions: those of

parents of course, but also those of brothers and sisters, uncles and aunts,

grandparents, family friends, etc. => comparing portraits means giving everybody

the opportunity to benefit from the positive perception of others.

- Lastly, comparing portraits means saying who you are, therefore talking about

everything: who I am, where I am, what I do, the people who matter to me, etc.

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Helping your child create his own portrait /Helping you create your child's just

as he helps you to create yours

Remember that the purpose is to enable your child, whatever his age and situation of

disability, to say openly who he is.

This is why during the first stage you will have to propose the best adapted tools so that he

can say who he is.

Not only the tools, but also spaces and moments! You alone know the right ones and you

alone can choose.

You will find below several suggestions to enable your child to describe who he is.

Each time take what you find useful, or take ideas to build tools yourself best adapted to

your child.

Saying who you are means talking about everything that you are AND

everything that you do!

If your child can write and wants to write to say who he is, whatever his age, suggest a good

time for him to do that.

If useful or necessary (that may depend on the child's age and/or the situation), do not

hesitate to propose several moments, one after the other, even over several weeks if

necessary. In any case, these moments have to be quiet, calm, free of pressure.

If he has chosen to write and speak, during the second stage (comparing portraits), do the

same thing. Say who your child seems to you to be, for himself, with his brothers and sisters,

with you, the family, friends, colleagues, etc.

Always be positive! Play the game of describing your child but never oppose anything, and always try to be as close to him as possible!

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If your child wants to write (describe) who he is, suggest this tool to him (also use this same tool yourself to describe your child and create a shared moment during which you can compare perceptions):

Who am I ?...

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If your child does not write or is more comfortable with other forms of communication, you can use what follows. Also, think of comparing portraits (how I see my child) using the same method and the same tools as your child (simplified communication, pictograms, photos, drawings, etc.)

What matters here is really to enable your child to say who he is (a boy, a man, girl, a woman, a

pupil, a student, a son, a daughter, a mother, an athlete, an artist, etc.), but also to say where he lives

(with whom?). And what he does every day (always activities, whatever they might be). This is why

the tools that we propose are only examples among many others. You can use them or build your

own which will be the best adapted to your child and to you!

For example, here is what Marie says about herself, today, in a form that suits her:

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(in the photos) : MY HAIR IS: BROWN, BLOND, LIGHT BROWN, RED, WHITE, GRAY

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(in the figure): MY EYES ARE LIGHT BLUE. DARK BLUE, GRAY, DARK BROWN, LIGHT BROWN, BLACK, GREEN)

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If you are person a situation of disability, speaking of oneself means of course also speaking about

one's disability.

We all know that it is not so easy to talk about one's disability.

But this is an additional way to learn more about oneself, a way to exchange with others and get

better acquainted.

Here are several statements to begin to speak about disability. Do not hesitate, oF course, to invent

your own!

Use, as always, those tools of communication best adapted to your child. The purpose here is to know his answer and especially to talk with him!

Being disabled means you always need help

If you're disabled you can't do anything by yourself

If you're disabled people know what's best for you

If you're disabled you depend on other people

If you're disabled you can be in love

If you're disabled it's hard to make friends

If you're disabled you're alone

If you're disabled you're entitled to have lots of plans

If you're disabled you're like other people

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The purpose of the previous exercise is to enable you to better understand how your child experiences his relationship to disability. This should help you to find new areas for discussion with your child and help him to better construct himself!

What you have done so far, namely enable your child to know and understand himself better, is a permanent process. What you now share constitutes the beginning of a mutual understanding which can only grow...

Knowing and understanding oneself better is a permanent process, but it is not only about us. This also requires knowing and understanding what environment we live in.

What's the use of knowing one's environment?

Savoir qui l’on est c’est aussi savoir comment se situer par rapport à l’environnement, savoir comment utiliser l’environnement, pouvoir identifier les bonnes ressources !

Permettre à votre enfant de comprendre son environnement et se situer dedans !

Knowing who one is also means knowing how to situate oneself in relation to one's environment, knowing how to use that environment, and being able to identify the right resources!

Savovoovovoovoooovoiriririririrrrrrri qui l’on est c’est aussi sasaaasaaaaavovovovovovovovovovovovoiriiir commeeeentnnnnnntnnn se situer par rappppppppppppppppppport à l’’l’’’l’l’l’l’lll environnnnnnnnnnnnnememememememememememment, savoir commmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmeneneneeeeeene t util sisissisisisisssererererereereeeer l’envvvvvvvviriiiiiii onnement, popopopopopooopopouvoir rrrr rr ididddiii entifierrrerererrerereree lllllllles bonnes ressssssssououououoouources !

Permmmmmmmmmmeteeeeeeee tre à vovvvvvvvvvv tre ennnnnfaffffafafffafff nt de cooooooooompmmmmmpmmpmmmmpm rrrereeeerrr ddddndddnddddre son eeeeeeeeeeenvnnnnnnnnnnn ironneeeeeeeeeeement eet tttttttttt se sittittittttituerdeddddddddddd danssssssssssss !

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Enabling your child to understand his environment and to find his place within it!

This exercise will enable your child, and enable you, to say and understand which persons

are now important for him.

In order to do this you can suggest the same exercise for all the environments he is in

contact with (family, friends, work, sports clubs, the association he belongs to, professionals

that help him, etc.). But each environment must be first of all dealt with separately: mixing

all environments and "ranking" persons in order of importance is surely too complicated

during the first phase.

If it seems that it is perhaps too difficult for your child or you to do this exercise together, if it is too hard to say who matters more or less in the family for him today, don't do the exercise, but choose other environments!

Use the empty diagram above and fill it in > the closer the persons are to the center ("ME") the more important they are for me.

Depending on your child's age and depending on what is more or less easy for him, as when

you compared portraits, you can either let him fill in the diagram alone and compare it with

your ranking or help him to fill it in.

Once again, the purpose is to enable you to speak, exchange, and compare. There are no

right or wrong answers. Above all, this exercise enables you to better identify the reference

points in the environment, to determine whether they are situations close to the child

(family our friends, for example), or more distant ones.

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Print the form in the format best adapted your child (A4, A3, or even bigger!) and find the best way to fill it in for him. This can be by writing the names of the important persons or sticking on their photo. If you stick the photos on the form, laminate the form as well as the photos, and stick them firmly to the form with an adhesive!

The purpose of this exercise is also to enable you, you as well as your child, to see that as time goes by, depending on situations and resources, the relative importance of persons in your environment can change. In order to understand this fully, we advise you to make photos of each completed diagram and to keep the photos. This way you can go back regularly and see what has changed and what remains the same. This is a good tool to exchange with your child!

For example, here is how Raphael describes his environment right now...

You are now helping your child to know and understand himself better.

Thanks to you he has begun to describe himself, to say who he is so as to better situate

himself in relation to himself, to you, to his environment. Perhaps this has been the

opportunity to go further than an initial physical description (color of the eyes, hair, skin,

size, weight, etc.) or factual description (age, sex, address, brothers and sisters, etc.) and to

begin to discuss more personal matters.

There is something that might seem obvious but which we do not always take the time to do

with our children, something very important that helps one

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to know oneself better, to assert oneself, to be able to say what is important : to say what

one likes or doesn't like, or doesn't want!

4.2.2 What I like and what I don't like! What I would like…

4.2.2.1 what I like and what I don't like!

You've probably begun to help your child to say what he likes or doesn't like, and what he

would like for later. The tools that we have proposed (see pages 15 and 16) deal with these

questions, for example.

When you support persons in a situation of disability on the path to self-determination, you

see every day that the better one knows oneself the more self confidence and greater

psychological empowerment one has, and one also increases one's self-regulation so as to

make wise choices and find the most helpful approaches – autonomy!

This is why knowing oneself better is a permanent process that we can strengthen day by

day.

To achieve this 2 elements are indispensable:

Increase the moments of sharing, experience, and exchange

This makes it possible to acquire more and more self-knowledge

Keep records (concrete, visible) of all the moments of exchange through which

you will help your child to know and understand himself better

This makes it possible not only to have greater and greater self-

knowledge, but also shows you that what characterizes an

individual is not fixed, that it changes as time goes by

An exercise to repeat very often to learn more about oneself and about others!

The purpose of what we propose is to enable your child to know himself better. We believe

that these exercises can be useful for all members of the family.

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Indeed, knowing yourself better necessarily enables your child to know himself better. For

example, if your child better understands your expectations, he can more easily understand

why a given behavior on his part causes a given response from you...

Each one of you make a list of the things you like and don't like

Pour ce cela For that use those tools best adapted to your child (writing, drawings, photos,

pictures, pictograms, etc.) and also use the same tool or tools (remember that this allows

you to make comparisons because you speak the same language, which facilitates mutual

understanding!).

For example, see what Marie likes...

(on the figure - I LIKE, HOUSEWORK, MAKING MEALS WITH MY MOTHER, PLAYING WITH SABRINA AND CLARA, DOLPHINS, THE SUN AND THE BLUE SKY, THE SINGING OF BIRDS, DANCE SHOWS, WATCHING FILMS, I AM A FAN OF JACK SPARROW AND HARRY POTTER

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1. For each item that you or your child adds, say or have your child say why you or he likes it

or doesn't like it.

You can also indicate whether you like it a lot or a little, very much or not very much, etc.

And when you or your child doesn't like something you can indicate whether you or he

strongly dislikes it, or just dislikes a little.

All these things can change with time, and that is also interesting!

2. Once you have made this initial list (you, your child, your wife or husband, your other

children, grandparents... whoever you want!) Have the persons concerned spend some time

exchanging among themselves.

The most important thing is that your child be able to gain from these moments a finer knowledge and understanding of himself as an individual. This is why it is essential that these exchanges take place when the child has free time, that appropriate means of communication be used, and that no judgments be made!

If your child has a short concentration and attention span, divide this exercise into several different sessions at different times. That is really no problem!

Take for example photos of these sharing sessions in order to refer to them the following time, or even regularly.

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During these exchange sessions each person presents his list to the others and explains (in

his own way) what he likes and doesn't like, and says why:

Help your children (all children can be helped by this exercise), if

necessary, to reword what they say to be sure they are correctly

understood

Make sure that you have a space where everyone can speak out

freely without being judged or without anyone trying to influence

you

Make sure that everyone can say what he agrees with or disagrees

with (without being judged).

Example: "you tell me you love to go to work but you don't say the

same thing to your educator. On the contrary, you tell him you've

had enough. Maybe you think that it is also important for me that

you don't allow yourself to tell me what you really think. I am ready

to hear what is really important for you!"

Note down all of this (you can also take photos of these moments)

3. Take time with your child to go back to what has been exchanged among members of the

family.

Do this right away if possible for you or your child, or on another day (the fact that you have

taken photos might really be important to catch your child's attention again).

The objective is to talk with your child about what he has said and the reactions (positive!) of

family members present. This will enable you to return to the list made by the child and see

together what he still agrees with and what may have changed a little after the exchanges

among family members.

This is also a way to understand that what we are depends to a great degree on what those

persons who matter very much to us make us feel!

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4. Propose this session to your child very regularly!

You do not have to ask the other family members to be present every time, but you can have

sessions like this with your child as stages between exchanges with more family members.

Do not force either your child or other family members to follow a schedule, and do not force them to attend sessions even if you think you have a right to! Try to find a pace that suits everybody...

You can invite people from outside the family (professionals, colleagues, friends, etc.) to participate in these sharing sessions (you must first ask the family members, and above all your child, whether they agree to this). Or you can ask these persons to have exchange sessions with your child. Then ask them to make sure they keep a record of these moments so they can talk about them again with you and your child (if your child agrees, of course!)

4.2.2.2 What I would like...MY FUTURE

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By speaking of the future you allow your child, and the rest of the family as well, to begin to

think of things other than everyday life (which greatly occupies you and takes up a large part

of your energy to make sure that everyone is doing as well as possible).

Speaking of the future gives the family the opportunity to think together about each

member's plans, about what you, your child, and the other members of the family believe to

be possible.

It also alows you to discuss things that seem complicated, to clarify them together, and to

understand why they seem complicated to a given member family. So this is a way to get to

know one another better.

Speaking of the future means speaking of the coming afternoon (if our discussion takes place

in the morning), or of next week, next year, "a long time from now", "when I grow up",

"when we're old"...

You are beginning to master this method, so you have understood that we are going to adapt this exchange in the same way that we adapted the one where you regularly thought together about "I like/I don't like"!

The purpose of this exercise is to enable you to HEAR EVERYTHING about your child's plans!

To hear everything does not necessarily mean that you accept and validate what you hear as

it stands.

To hear everything means "to take into account and into consideration what my child

expresses today, would he seems to want and/or need in order for us to get better

organized together."

Do you remember Noémie's "crazy"plans ? Her desire to work with despite her tetraplegia ! ... - insert link to video - What a strange idea !!! But still...

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When Noémie arrived in this new support center, when she met new professionals, when

she had access to new proposals which more easily enabled her to say who she is and would

like to be able to be, new possibilities opened up to her.

With the professionals course, for her personal life as well, but also and especially in the way

her parents and sisters perceived (saw) her.

This opened up spaces of skills and recognition, and enabled her to feel capable and in her

place.

The value of this cannot be overestimated, for her, her parents, and of course for her family!

- insert excerpt 2 Noémie video « open the door to my mother » -

Ask (help him if necessary) your child to make a list of "everything I want for after".

Don't set any limit and let your child say what interests him for his future life, whether it is

simple things for tomorrow or (in your opinion) complicated things for later!

As always, use those communication tools best adapted to your child. The purpose here is to know his answers and especially to discuss with him. Here's an example: it's the way Marie sees her life later. Does that sound strange to you? But still...

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(on the figure : WHEN I'M 23 YEARS OLD, I WOULD LIKE TO BECOME: A FASHION STAR WITH THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CLOTHES IN THE WORLD, A MAID TO FOLD LAUNDRY, TURN ON WASHING MACHINES, DO IRONING, VACUUM, CLEAN THE WINDOWS...BECOME A NUN TO PRAY FOR JESUS AND HELP THE POOR AND SICK) on

1. Encourage and help your child to make a list of the things he wants for "after"

2. As for the "I like/I don't like" exercise, create a time for exchange between the persons

concerned.

The most important thing is that your child be able to derive from these moments finer knowledge and understanding of the person that he is. This is why it is essential that these exchanges take place when the child has free time, that appropriate means of communication be used, and that no judgments be made!

If your child has a short concentration and attention span, divide this exercise into several different sessions at different times. That is really no problem!

For example, take photos of these moments of sharing so that you can talk about them again the next session and even talk about them regularly.

During these moments of exchange, you should make sure that you:

Help your child, if necessary, to reword what he says to be sure

that he really expresses what he wants and that everyone

understands and

Make sure that you have a space where you can speak freely

without being judged and without anyone trying to influence you:

hear your child's plans and not be frightened by the idea that

they might come true => talking about a plan means first of all

beginning to decide for oneself whether or not the plan is feasible.

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Allow each member of the family to say what he thinks is feasible

(what the family can help to do), and what he thinks is more

complicated (again, with no judgement being made) => say why.

For example: "you say that you want to be a veterinary doctor

later. I know that to become a veterinary doctor you have to do

some very complicated studies, and I don't know whether that

would be asy for you right now. But I know that there are many

ways to work with animals. Maybe we could see together how to

go about that."

Note down all of that (you can also take photos of these moments)

3. Take time with your child to return to what has been exchanged family members.

Do this right away if possible for you and your child, or another day (having photos can be

really important here to catch your child's attention again).

The purpose is to talk again with your child about what he has said and about the reactions

(positive!) of the family members present. This will enable you to talk again about the wishes

and plans he has mentioned, and see together what he still agrees with and what may have

changed a little after the exchanges among family members.

It is also a way to understand that every plan can be revised provided that the person

continues to feel that he is the one who is revising it!

4. Propose this exercise to your child regularly, in particular whenever you see that

something has changed in his "wish for later".

You do not have to ask the other family members to be present every time, but you can have

sessions like this with your child as stages between exchanges with more family members.

5. Use the records of all these moments (photos, portfolio, binder, notes, images, etc.) to

help your child realize that some things which seemed complicated some time ago

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(regardless of how long ago) and now come true totally or partially. Other things still seem a

bit far but "we'll see!..."

It is possible that this will also enable you to realize that progress is being

made, for him and for you!

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4.2.3 My strengths and weaknesses

Do remember what "autonomy" is in the definition of self-determination? It is the ability to

make choices, to act on the basis of your choice and to identify the necessary resources.

Knowing your child's strengths and weaknesses is very important here because this will allow

your child to realize more and more clearly what he can do alone and what he needs help

for. Your child can then no more easily what resources (materially human) he needs!

Likewise, the more your child is aware of his strengths the better his self image will become,

and he will also have the impression that he has great psychological empowerment

regarding his path in life. His capacity for self-regulation will also become better because he

will be able to identify more easily those skills he has himself (strengths) as well as those of

others (resources)!

Listing strengths and weaknesses: how do you go about it?

The first thing to do is to change the words you use!

You will not talk about strengths and weaknesses but rather :

what is easy and less easy

what is difficult, very difficult or "a little" difficult

what I can do by myself/what I can do with help/what I can't yet do by

myself

what I couldn't do before but can do now

etc.

Do you understand the aim?

The aim is to enable your child to identify, more and more as time goes on, all the skills he has, the skills he can use, and show him that nothing is fixed once and for all, everything moves forward, what seems improbable today can become possible tomorrow!

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Make a dynamic list of present skills and skills now being acquired!

You are now familiar with the method that we have been using since the beginning of this

module, aren't you?

So you know what remains to be done!!!

1. Help your child make a list of all the things we have just mentioned (what is easy/difficult,

when I can do alone/with help, etc.) and of all the things we haven't thought of and that will

enable you and your child to understand better the elements he has in everyday life.

To do that, mention all the situations that he experiences in daily life, using concrete elements if necessary like photos, pictures, pictograms... Example with a child: "You remember, yesterday you told me you never managed to button your coat all alone. Look, this morning, before going to school, I was with your sister and when I came back your coat was buttoned! Was it you who did that all alone? (answer of the child "yes") – Well? You really think you can never do it? Well, you can! Maybe not every time but you are capable of doing that and you are going to succeed more and more!" Example with an adult: "The last time I met your professional integration advisor he told me that it was still hard for you to stay concentrated for one full hour on the job. That surprises me because when your friend came today you played cards and you stayed very attentive much more than an hour because you wanted to win so much! (possible answer of your child "yes, that's true, that lasted very long but I really wanted to beat him!!!") – It's really great that you can do that! Do you think you could do the same thing sometimes at work?"

In addition to these moments of dialogue with your child, you can start using a notebook in which you regularly write down those things (new or unknown to you until then) that your child succeeds in doing alone or with help. You can note down these things when you you see them yourself or when someone reports them to you. This will enable you not only to enrich your exchanges but also to send a strong signal to your child: you are attentive to him much more often than he thinks!

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2. Create moments of exchange between you, your child and persons who can help him to

identify his own skills and aptitudes.

These persons can be members of your family, friends, colleagues, or professionals who

provide care to your child.

Remember that the most important things are a positive attitude and the quality of your exchanges. It is therefore absolutely essential that these moments not become occasions to confront differing opinions to win an argument. They should rather be moments when everyone can say what he thinks and feels and accept what others say. The important thing is that your child comes away from these moments with the impression or the conviction that he knows himself better, taking into account that sometimes other people don't see him the same way he sees himself.

3. Take a moment the child to go back to what has been exchanged.

As you did after other exchanges, do this right away if possible for you or your child, or on

another day (the fact that you have taken photos might really be important to catch your

child's attention again).

By talking with your child again, and using the tools best adapted to him, you will help your

child to understand a little better all the things he's capable of doing, alone or with help.

These regular talks (repeating the sequence above or between two sessions having a simple

discussion with your child about a situation in which he has succeeded) will allow him to

realize that things are evolving, that he knows how to do more and more things, and that he

has more and more skills.

You are going to enable your child to gain greater self-esteem by

emphasizing the fact that his skills are constantly increasing.

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4.2.4 Understanding my environment

Do you remember this?

This is what Raphael said about the people around him.

There are persons were very close like his mother, his dog ("Taboo"!), his father.

There are persons who are a bit more distant, but still very close like friends and the girl he is

in love with.

Other persons are present but more distant like the professionals ((Valérie, Laëtitia,

Morgane, etc.).

There are persons who matter, since they are included in the circles, but they matter less!

Let's make an effort and organize the space around us!

What's the use of knowing one's environment?

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Here is what we have proposed to your child to fill out.

- Insert a link to blank page below–

We have asked you to help your child to do this exercise for all the people that matter to him

(family, friends, colleagues, professionals, etc.).

Do you remember what we asked you to do?

To enable your child to understand/identify people who are important for

him

To use this tool so you can use your environment as effectively as possible!

What matters now is to help your child to know what are all the resources available to him,

whatever the environment (school, work, friends, family, etc.)!

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1. Take the time to look at the charts you have filled out together (see part 4.2.1 "talk about

myself to get to know myself better") => you should have charts showing the family, friends,

colleagues…

2. Look over these charts again with your child. This time the purpose is not that your child

rank the persons according to which ones matter the most to him emotionally, but persons

who can best help him to carry out his project.

3. Ask him, and help him if necessary, to place people in the different circles (further and

further away from him) according to those who given the most help, or at least some help,

today, and on the basis of a specific plan ("going out together", "getting an autonomous

place to live", "start taking a training program", "plan for holidays", etc.).

4. Compare, together with your child, the difference between the chart filled out the first

time (page 21) and the new one you just filled out now!

An example: Raphael (12 years old, with trisomy 9) is going to see a film at the movie theater

with his friends on Saturday two weeks. Here is how he identifies those persons in the best

position to help him: (SUR LA PHOTO : PAPA, MOMMY, FRIENDS)

He identifies his friends and Morgane (his special education teacher) as the persons best able to be effective resources for his plan. His friends are going

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to tell him what they want to do and keep them ideas for their time together, his special education teacher will help them plan the whole event.

Then there are other persons who are viewed as resources but less directly involved, his parents ("papa" and "mommy") as well as Valérie, the speech therapist, who is going to help him with the invitations. Do remember how Raphael characterized his environment in part 4.2.1? He rated, emotionally, all people (or animals) that mattered in his life, to a greater or lesser degree...

This has nothing to do with the resources he is just described for "going to the movies with

my friends"!

Having more and more sessions like this for all your child's plans will gradually enable him to understand that there's a difference between people who matter emotionally and those who can help him carry out a plan. For him and for you this will be the way to distinguish between different things more and more clearly so as always find the right resources!

1. As you prefer, create tools yourself or print this material (in the size best suited to your child's needs)

- insert a link to blank page (see page 36) - 2. Laminate this sheet 3. Create as many resources as you and your child identify. They might be name labels (as for Raphael), pictograms, photos of real persons, pictures and logos... Don't exclude anything!

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4. Laminate all these resources separately. 5. Whenever you consider new plan, do the exercise in which you rank the resources depending on those that can help best. Make a photo of the result 6. Print these photos and keep them with the other elements that allow you to see that everything is moving forward and that for every situation there are answers that might be the same, or on the contrary might change!

Here are examples of what this might lead to :

Max would like to count better

his parents and teacher can help him every day his speech therapist will help him by working on his logic a little every week his friends will encourage him

Max would like to celebrate his birthday with his friends

he will talk with his friends about what they want to do and decide what will be best his special education teacher will help him to get organized for the kind of party they want his teacher and his parents will help communicate the information to everyone

Max would like to work more efficiently

he will ask his workshop instructor and social work technician to help him to get better organized in his work his friends and parents are people he needs to hear say

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that he is doing his work better and better 4.2.5 Understanding feelings (my own, other people's)

One of the main mechanisms in regulating exchanges between people is understanding

feelings – one's own as well as those of the person you're talking to.

For many reasons, it can be difficult for a person in a situation of disability to express

emotions appropriately.

When the disability affects the sensorial capacities of a person, the fact that he cannot use

all channels of communication (sight, hearing, sensations) can "disrupt" the message.

When you construct yourself with an intellectual deficiency it can be difficult to handle

several channels of communication at the same time. In that case it is necessary to decode

by selecting the appropriate channel of communication and the relevant indications.

Lastly, if we are dealing with psychic disorders, it is easy to imagine that the mood (the

emotional state from which I understand my environment at a given moment) can have a

strong impact on the way I understand the intention of the person I'm talking to.

This is why, for people in a situation of disability but not only for them, it is essential to be helped to understand and manage emotions better!

Communicate => but what does that mean ???

Littéralement, communiquer signifie « faire passer quelque chose ».

Literally, to communicate means "to pass on something".

More precisely, it means "to share the feeling, state of mind, with someone, to lead that

person to have the same feeling, to be in the same state of mind".

Help your child to understand and share feelings better

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There is of course no one single way to do this! Once again, the most effective thing will be

to have many every day experiences, to experience situations and talk about them so as to

decode them as best as possible.

Give the right color that matches what I feel!

1. Choose the material best adapted to your child to characterize feelings.

This material can be

drawings

joy anger sadness surprise fears tears

faces

Joy anger sadness here disgussed

Pictograms

written words

photos of yourself and/or your child expressing always emotions

or any other material that's meaningful for you!... (don't hesitate to ask professionals, whoever

they might be, who are part of your child's everyday life and who know him well)

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2. Take the time, as often as possible, to "analyze" the situations you experience, associating the

feelings accompanying the situations.

Example, this might be while you are watching a film or a cartoon.

When you sense that your child is feeling something strong, stop the film and ask him, with the help of

the material you will have selected before hand, to choose a word or an image (the pictogram,

drawing, etc.) to match what he feels.

Take a photo of this moment and keep another record of it, and make sure that you can go back to

this moment.

Repeat this sequence often, referring to exceptional moments (a birthday, Christmas, a trip in a plane,

a long-awaited outing...) but also things in everyday life: a scene you see in the street, an argument

with a brother or sister, a meal that one doesn't like, a sleepless night, the feeling of being sick (fever

or pain), the pleasure of coming home after school or work, the joy in meeting someone you love,

relief in finding an important object you had lost, etc.

3. Do the same thing for yourself: characterize, with the same material that your child uses, the

feelings that you experience.

If possible, try to characterize the moments that you have shared with your child (both of your

reactions to the same film sequence, your reaction to what you have seen together in the street, your

feeling when you see him returning home after being separated all day or when he returns home from

holidays, etc.).

4. Create moments of exchange with your child.

Identify an appropriate time, tell your child well in advance if necessary for him to be in the best

possible condition for it.

During this time, you will compare and confront your reactions (therefore your emotions) in particular

those you felt during shared moments.

What is the use of all this?

First of all, to create moments of sharing with your child to talk about things you feel inside. This

might look simple, but if you want fluid communication it is extremely important!

Then, this is a first step together, it can enable your child to begin to understand that emotions

cannot be separated from the intention we have in our relationships. 43


This might sound a bit complicated, but an example will make it much more clear!

Example: Max is celebrating his 22nd birthday today (change the first name and age to match the

situation that you would your child might experience right now). You wanted your child to enjoy

himself and you planned, with him, an afternoon with all his friends. Friends from work (or from

school depending on the child's age), from a sports club, a local association, cousins, etc.

This is an important moment for you, full of joy, pleasant sensations and good feelings.

For Max it is a little more complicated because he realizes that he is 22 years old and that he cannot

plan this party with his friends without your help. If "your" Max is eight years old for example,

imagine that what is complicated for him is that he would like to invite all the children in the

neighborhood with whom he played when he was little, but you know that it will be mainly the

children from his specialized class who will come.

Plan this party and help "your" Max to have a great time!

Comparez les émotions que cela a suscité chez vous.

Compare the feelings that this has caused in you.

You will probably have shared many feelings, but maybe some will be opposite to his, different, not

shared.

This will enable you to begin (and to continue) to talk with your child about the way feelings are experienced, identically or differently depending on the persons and the moments; to understand to what degree emotions (what you feel or express) influence our relations; to know yourself better and better and therefore to be even more open to others!

5. Don't hesitate to repeat these moments of exchange with more people every time, for example with family members, friends, colleagues, etc.

It is through many experiences of life, of sharing feelings, that your child will be able to build more and more effective systems of adaptation!

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4.2.6 Being able to take decisions, and knowing how

Being able to take decisions and knowing how to do so ?

Don't you think we've covered it all ?

Able to take decisions and knowing how to take them is in the end simply :

getting to know oneself (module 4)

having self-confidence (module 3)

knowing how to regulate oneself depending on one's objectives (module 2)

making choices for oneself and finding the right resources (module 1)

It's all of those things!

Both simple and complicated, of course…

Something from everyday life that you are now creating for yourself and your child !!!

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Self Realisation

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Transcript of Self Realisation