Secrets of the Jewish Mariage

בס״ד

T H E SECOND

LADDER U P Secret Steps to a

Happy Jewish Marriage

by R.L. K r e m n i z e r

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T H E S E C O N D L A D D E R U P Secret Steps to a Happy Jewish Marriage

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Contents

Read this first vii

Part 1: Perspectives

Perspective I 1

Perspective I I 9

Perspective I I I 13

Perspective I V 17

Perspective V 21

Part 2: Secrets of the Married Soul

Chapter 1 : W h y be married? 27

Chapter 2: True Love 33

Chapter 3: Do you like chocolate? 41

Part 3: Secrets of garments of the Soul

Thought:

Chapter 4: C l o t h i n g of the Soul 51

Chapter 5: Yeshus 59

Chapter 6: Bitterness & Depression 65

Speech:

Chapter 7: Criticism — The Ac id that eats away Love.. 75

Chapter 8: Judgment 83

iii

iv

Action:

Chapter 9: The Mitzvos of M i k v e h 91

Chapter 10: T z i m t z u m 99

Chapter 11 : Ahavas Yisroel — b u t we are marr ied . . 105

Part 4: Epilogue 115

Dedication

This book is for my mother whose soul has now re¬

jo ined my father i n Gan Eden.

The book is dedicated to the Rebbe who, together

w i t h my wi fe , have taught me almost everything

worthwhi le that I know.

The simple secret to happy marriage is to be married

to my wife .

She typifies all of the aspects wr i t ten about i n this

book through apparently effortless commonsense, gl iding

smoothly over the stepping stones of daily l i fe . This

always w i t h cheerful good humor and opt imism coupled

w i t h a total grasp of the important and a total disdain for

the tr ivial .

For everyone else not so married to my wife, this

book is wr i t ten .

v

Read This First

This book is a manual of some steps crit ical to

understanding the f inding of real happiness i n marriage.

The points made here are derived f r o m Chabad

Chassidus i n general and the Lubavitcher Rebbe (who is

referred to i n this book simply as "the Rebbe") i n

particular.

I t is beyond the scope of this work to deal w i t h

serious aberrations i n positive behavior.

Serious problems such as domestic violence, spousal

or ch i ld abuse and chronic destructive emotional

incapacities remain beyond the ambit of this book and

require specific rabbinical and professional advice.

The book assumes two people i n search of a mutual ly

beneficial and satisfying l i fe . W i t h effort, f r o m any time

i n a marriage people can rearrange perspectives and

vii

viii

behavior to remove obstacles to their fu l f i l lment , while at

the same time creating new horizons for mutual growth.

The format of the various steps to this happiness w i l l

u n f o l d as we learn together. Of course, each person w i l l

have his or her individual differences. The principles

however, though deep and sometimes d i f f i cu l t to

internalize, are u n i f o r m for everyone. The journey

although arduous, is available to all but remains sadly

discovered by few.

Part 1

Perspectives

Perspective I

W e begin w i t h a story repeated by a recent visitor to

Sydney.

About 250 years ago i n Vi lna there lived a man

k n o w n as the R'shash. He was not only a great T a l m u d

Chachom and as such respected throughout Europe, but

was also blessed w i t h b o u n t i f u l wealth.

He was continuously charitable and amongst his

many works he established free loan funds for the poor.

One day a tailor presented himself to the R'shash and

applied for a loan of 1000 rubles to meet a large order

happily received.

Enquires revealed the tailor to be an honest man and

the R'shash duly lent h i m the 1000 rubles for 90 days.

The exercise was f r u i t f u l . The Tailor bought material,

made the clothes, sold them for a good prof i t . N o w

possessed of the capital the good tailor sought out the

1

2 THE SECOND LADDER UP

R'shash to repay the debt two weeks prior to the due

date.

The tailor went to the Beis Hamedresh (House of

Study) of the R'shash and found h i m sitt ing amidst piles

of books, learning. His concentration was so intense that,

u n k n o w n to our hapless tailor he was oblivious to his

presence. The tailor waited patiently for a break i n the

f low of the song of the learning. Finally, imagining the

R'shash was now available, he handed h i m the neatly

folded notes i n repayment of the loan. Nodding and

h u m m i n g his learning, the R'shash took the money, and

buried i t i n one of the volumes . He continued his

studies totally unaware of what had transpired.

A t the end of every m o n t h the R'shash checked the

books of the various loan funds. He duly discovered the

debt of the tailor imagined as yet unpaid. Accordingly, he

sent a messenger to the debtor to remind h i m of his

obligations. The tailor i n consternation told the

messenger of the repayment and asked h i m to remind

the R'shash of his visit to the Bais Medrash and his

deposit into the volume he was learning.

The R'shash, concluding that the tailor was not yet

able to pay, waited another fortnight . He enquired of the

tailor's posit ion and learned that the tailor had made

money w i t h the loan. He called upon h i m personally.

PERSPECTIVE I 3

Then, as might be expected, there ensued a heated

exchange; the tailor indignant, the R'shash outraged at

his perceived violation.

W i t h no resource left to h i m , The R'shash f inal ly

called the tailor to a Beis D i n . Now, unlike present

Western legal systems where i n civi l cases disputes are

determined on a balance of probabilities, i n Halacha

(Jewish law) there can be no f inding of gui l t wi thout

witnesses. Where there are no witnesses the accused is

asked to swear on the Torah that the money was repaid

and upon swearing, he is absolved of any obligation to

repay.

Indeed this is what duly took place. The tailor swore

and was absolved.

The R'shash of course accepted the determination

but made i t k n o w n that i n his opinion the tailor was

indubitably a thief and a liar. W o r d quickly spread of

how the great T a l m u d Chocham had been cheated by a

tailor.

As a result, the tailor became steadily ostracized and

was soon therefore wi thout business. His wife was spat

upon i n the marketplace and his chi ldren vi l i f ied i n

school. I n desperation the tailor and his family left Vi lna .

I n a new location, bereft of business and unable to

obtain employment, the family soon became destitute.


A few years later when the R'shash was learning f r o m

the same volume, he came across the money secreted

amongst the pages. I n shock, he realized the enormity of

the injustice perpetrated to the tailor. He immediately

hired a wagon to take h i m to f i n d and to compensate the

poor and honest man.

Finally uncovering his whereabouts, he met and

begged his forgiveness. The tailor refused. Fil led w i t h

pain and anger, the tailor scorned forgiveness of the man

who had caused the bankruptcy, loneliness and shame of

his entire family.

Gui l t stricken the R'shash returned to Vi lna . He

called his congregants together and made i t k n o w n that

he would make a special announcement i n his shul on

Shabbos. Everybody was requested to be there. O n

Shabbos i n the synagogue packed w i t h people, the

R'shash instead of delivering his weekly sermon,

announced his mistake and instructed the community to

rectify the wrong perpetuated to the tailor.

Sadly though predictably, no one believed h i m . Since

he was a great man, they reasoned, i n his goodness the

R'shash wanted to help the lying thief. The result was

that the R'shash was held i n greater esteem than ever

while the tailor was held i n even more passionate

contempt.

PERSPECTIVE I 5

The R'shash returned to the tailor begging h i m to

particularize his misfortune and so allow a method to

make amends.

Finally, i n tears, the tailor articulated the cruelest

result; the inabil i ty of his eldest daughter to marry. O f all

his miseries i t was this w h i c h most caused pain and

suffering to the good couple.

The R'shash seized upon an idea.

He had a son of marriageable age. The children

should meet. I f the pair responded positively, they would

be married. Everyone i n Vi lna would then believe i n the

bona fides of the terrible mistake and the good name of

the tailor would be restored. After all , not even the

R'shash would compromise a beloved son i n wedlock

w i t h the daughter of a liar and a thief!

The tailor agreed. The daughter and the son met, the

marriage took place and soon the posit ion of the tailor

was restored i n f u l l culminat ing w i t h the family moving

back to Vi lna .

Needless to say the marriage was a happy one blessed

w i t h many chi ldren and grandchildren of learning and

good deeds.

Now, although i t is nice to have a happy ending to a

story, its purpose is more urgent and vital . This story,


together w i t h an allegory soon to be mentioned, w i l l

become the basis of understanding some of the deepest

secrets of Torah, and therefore creation.

Hopeful ly upon complet ion the reader w i l l become

aware of the tides of energy, w h i c h govern his l i fe ; one a

series of forces f r o m the outside, and one a series of

forces f r o m w i t h i n .

The story on its own is a mere story and understood

as l i t t le as we understand life's apparently random

vicissitudes. But w i t h the spectacles of Chassidus one

gains entry to the soul w i t h i n the story and one begins to

realize the fo l lowing.

Forces of Divine Providence needed to be harnessed

to br ing together two souls destined for u n i o n w i t h each

other; here, the soul of the daughter of the tailor and the

soul of the son of the R'shas. Could there ever be a way

that the son of the one of the greatest men of his

generation would marry a lowly tailor's daughter? I n a

t ime where the socio-economic life of Jews demanded

equality i n learning or wealth, what chance did this gir l

have of f u l f i l l i n g her destiny as the mate of this

particular young man and the mother of their subsequent

generations? The story supplies the answer and

illustrates many of the steps to be addressed i n this book

as we progress. Meanwhile the first and foremost of

PERSPECTIVE I 7

these is that a marriage is the j o i n i n g of not only two

bodies but two halves of a soul . 1 That conjunct ion is

deep, precious and purposeful. W h a t the partners do

w i t h this potential depends on their understanding of the

pages to fol low

1 . See Zohar I I I , 7b, 109b, 296a; Sefer HaMaamarim 5640, V o l . I I , p .

595.

Perspective II

I n the previous perspective we glimpsed that the

j o i n i n g of souls is purposeful . W e w i l l now begin

examining overviews for the future of their relationship.

A beautiful allegory f r o m the Rebbe Maharash

contains the fo l lowing scenario.

A n enslaved man is forced to carry a backpack to the

top of a mountain . He learns that the backpack is to be

laden w i t h heavy stones and he must reach the summit .

The day is hot and the c l imb long and di f f i cul t . The

mounta in is steep and the stones underfoot are sharp

and unstable. Step by strained step the man climbs, the

pack like lead on his back, the straps cut t ing into his

sweating flesh.

W e can suppose his emotional state: resentment,

anger at the load, hatred for his oppressors. I n addition,

9


and draining his resolve, is the doubt of being able to

complete the c l imb.

The man toils his way to the half way point of his

ascent. There, he is to ld the contents of the bag are to be

his. He opens the backpack. His heart leaps to his m o u t h

and his hands tremble as he views hundreds and

hundreds of gemstones! The bag is f u l l of priceless

diamonds now ablaze flashing i n the sun.

Can you imagine the change i n the man's disposition?

He races to close the backpack now eager to resume

the c l imb. Ignored now are the incline of the mounta in

and the unstable sharpness of the stones.

Resentment is replaced by gratitude; anger w i t h joy ;

doubt w i t h determination to succeed.

W h a t has changed? N o t the heat of the day; not the

steepness of the c l imb; not the sharpness of the stones

underfoot; most importantly, not the weight of the bag.

The change is i n the perceived value of the stones

and the attitude of the man.

Previously the load was perceived as negative and

therefore caused h i m misery. N o w the same weighted

load is perceived as precious and he is overjoyed.

PERSPECTIVE II 11

His mood has somersaulted f r o m unhappiness to joy,

f r o m despair to t r i u m p h because of his internal

perspective.

W e w i l l refer to this allegory often as we travel

together.

For the moment the reader is asked to notice and be

aware of two crit ical factors i n the change i n disposition

of the man.

The first appears external to h i m (the fact that the

stones are diamonds and not mere stones).

The second is internal (his attitude change).

Confusion about the external and the internal not

only destroys happiness but simply prevents i t . W e w i l l

learn together the Chassidic life skill of viewing these

two separate factors as being i n reality one. I n doing so

ult imately we can all learn to discover that every bag is i n

fact f u l l of diamonds. I n fairness however, first we need

some vocabulary of ideas together as the fo l lowing

chapters w i l l show.

Perspective III

There is an interesting fact about the names given to

Am Yisroel. W e know f r o m the Torah that various of the

Avos (Forefathers) had their names changed by G-d.

Avrohom's name was changed f r o m Avrom. Sorahs name

was changed f r o m Sori. W e have a rule regarding

Avrohom that once G-d changed his name, reference to

the previous name is forbidden. Yaakovs name was

changed to Yisroel, and once changed, both names are

used by the Torah.

W e learn i n Chassidus 2 a fascinating aspect to the

Torah's use of both these names. There is a code here, a

deep secret of Torah, that a Jew actually functions at two

levels — one a Yaakov level and one a Yisroel level. He is

Yaakov i n terms of his physical endeavors; earning a

l iving, eating, sleeping, and negotiating the daily tasks of

2. See Likkutei Torah, Balak, p . 70c f f .

13


physical l i fe . His outlook i n dealing w i t h those physical

tasks is a Yaakov perspective. I t is a Jewish perspective,

but i t is a perspective w h i c h is confined to the physical

reality i n w h i c h he exists.

There is a second and separate state for every Jew,

w h i c h is his Yisroel mode. Everybody reading this book

w i l l be familiar w i t h the fact that there are times i n one's

life when one is funct ioning i n a spiritual mode rather

than a physical mode. These can be momentous

moments; such as holding a baby for the first t ime, a first

baby smile, standing trembling at the Bris Milah or

wedding of precious chi ldren. A l l of these (and other

such) times are moments when the physical reality of

surroundings are almost irrelevant. W h a t is relevant, is

the baby, the son, the daughter, the moment, the feeling

that one is i n the presence of G-dliness and the intensity

of connection w i t h G-dliness .

I t is important to understand that as a person

develops spiritually, i t is possible to access the Yisroel

state, not only when the moment arrives by

happenstance. I t is possible to consciously access this

state, for example, when davening, learning or doing a

mitzvah. Equally importantly, as we w i l l see i n the

fol lowing chapters, is that one is able to include one's

spouse i n these moments, again by conscious decision. I t

PERSPECTIVE III 15

therefore becomes possible through the exercise of

Rotzon (will) to actually change perspective f r o m a

physical reality to a spiritual reality. To do this together

w i t h one's life partner builds an impenetratable bond

w h i c h is private, precious and everlasting. Just as the

moments when the b i r t h of a new chi ld , the Bris Mila or

the marriage are spiritual and can be shared, so too can

mundane matters be shared as spiritually meaningful

insights; for example, reactions of control l ing anger

(because all that happens is Divinely orchestrated-see

Perspective I ) , control l ing disappointment (because all is

for the good perhaps just not yet understood — see

Perspective I I ) . The mundane can be converted to deeply

spiritual moments. Remember this — serenity and

nachas are catching

A physical moment, even i f pleasurable and intense,

has a short life quickly forgotten. I t is one of the

wonderful byproducts of the Yisroel state that like w i t h

all matters of kedusha (holiness) this state remains

accessible forever.

Perspective IV

The next perspective we need before embarking on

the main section of this book, are two perspectives

involved i n getting married. More obvious than the

Yaakov — Yisroel state, there are two perspectives

available to a bride and groom, and later on to a husband

and wife . Both perspectives exist and are triggered by the

same event — the plan to be married.

The first is the wedding, the second the life together,

the marriage. Both horizons require focus, because

wi thout focus, neither w i l l take place.

Consider the focus required to arrange the wedding.

Everybody that has been through a wedding knows that

there are the tortures of f ind ing a suitable hall , band,

Rabbi to officiate, dresses, suits, menu, seating

arrangements, and all the fal lout and damage control

necessitated by such lists. I t is crit ical of course that

each of the aunties not sit at a table that she perceives as

17


too far f r o m the band, too close to the band, too close to

the door, too far f r o m the door. They must not be subject

to draft, lack of air or exposure to those they have not

spoken to for eight years. There is no need to dwell

further on this because everybody is acutely aware of

how important these things are, and how overwhelming

arrangements can become.

There is a second focus, and that is on the marriage.

The wedding must take place, but i f the Chosson and

Kallah (Groom and Bride) confine their focus on the

wedding and surrounding arrangements then sadly, the

whole importance of getting married w i l l be of course

missed. The real perspectives are long term perspectives:

planning a life together, arranging a partnership w h i c h

reflects (apart f r o m the obvious issue of attraction)

common backgrounds and goals. There should be

present a common desire for growth, consensus as to the

manner i n w h i c h chi ldren w i l l be educated and

developed as worthwhi le Jews. There needs to be a

common attitude as to how two young people are going

to f o r m up a life together subject to the vicissitudes of

challenges that are to be put before them.

The differences between the two focuses are obvious.

One is short term and valuable only for the moment. The

other is long term, totally important . Both focuses, as

PERSPECTIVE IV 19

said above are necessary, but there is no issue as to

relative value. As one looks around the circus of the

movie stars and other public representatives of the wor ld

of trivia, one can see the carnage wrought by short term

perspectives focused only on immediate short term

benefits.

A clever Chosson w i l l know that his beautiful new

wife may have a waist w h i c h can thicken, a clever Kallah

suspects her handsome husband's f ine head of hair w i l l

at sometime become at best, sparse. He may even fatten

and settle into suits of more generous proportions.

I f one's perspective is fixated on the wedding one is

going to struggle w i t h the marriage. I f on the other hand,

one's perspective is fixed on the marriage, one remains

relatively unperturbed by the short term obstacles of

trivia.

Obviously an astute reader understands the wedding

and marriage are terms of code referring to all small and

wide horizons

Perspective V

W h e n Am Yisroel left Mitzraim ( in Hebrew the word

connotes not only a physical place, Egypt, but also the

concept of restriction, suppression), i t was on a promise.

G-d was to give them a land " f lowing w i t h m i l k and

honey", a land that was "good" and upon w h i c h G-d's

eyes would always be focused. This land was then called

Eretz Canaan (land of Canaan), to be changed by

command of G-d to Eretz Yisroel (the land of Israel).

Eretz Canaan was inhabited by seven nations.

There is a great secret contained i n Torah that

although both lands occupied the same space, they are

entirely different. Eretz Canaan and Eretz Yisroel signify

totally different spiritual conditions. Eretz Yisroel is not

only a physical place; i t is a spiritual state of m i n d and

being.

21


Am Yisroel is enjoined to enter the land of Canaan,

conquer the seven nations and occupy the land

transforming i t to Eretz Yisroel. Chassidus 3 explains that

this is not only a mil i tary and social command, but one

to transform physical space into a new spiritual t r u t h .

W e w i l l see later that the soul is made up of ten

levels 4 — three of intellect and seven of emotions.

Chassidus teaches, 5 as we w i l l also see later, that i n a

spiritually mature and healthy person, intellect rules

emotion. I n a stunted and poorly developed person,

emotion directs intellect.

The direction to Am Yisroel to conquer the seven

nations thus converting Eretz Canaan to Eretz Yisroel is

deep code. The seven nations correspond the seven

emotions. A Jew is commanded to conquer emotion and

dominate i t by intellect.

A spiritual t r u t h is that one's internal environment is

the space w h i c h is inhabited by one's emotions. I t

therefore follows that by learning to exercise control over

emotion one is actually restructuring his personal

spiritual location. The emotional state i n w h i c h a man

lives is actually dependent on the man himself!

3. Maamarei Admur HaEmtzaei, Devarim, V o l . I , p . 4 f f .

4 . Tanya, c h . 3.

5. See Tanya, chs. 12, 17.

PERSPECTIVE V 23

Whether a Jew decides to inhabit Eretz Canaan,

subservient to the seven host nations, (using our new

code vocabulary — his seven emotions r u l i n g his

intellect) or whether he particularly inhabits Eretz Yisroel

(using our new code vocabulary — his seven emotions

subservient to his intellect) ult imately becomes the

choice of each and every Jew.

As we travel further together, i t w i l l become clear

that i n order to have a home w h i c h is healthy, where the

air is free of spiritual virus, i t is cr i t ical that that home be

Eretz Yisroel and not merely Eretz Canaan.

Part 2

Secrets of the ^Married Soul

Chapter 1

Why Be Married?

Armed w i t h the first five perspectives but prior to our

turn ing our attention to the various particular steps to

f inding fu l f i l lment i n marriage, a question must be

answered. The question is an obvious one. W h y be

married? Interviewing subjects w i l l disclose a variety of

dif fer ing answers disclosing a fairly consistent pattern of

reasons. Some of the more common and repeated

reasons given by people are:

1) To have chi ldren

2) To have a good fr iend

3) To have caring support i n old age

4) To have a regular source of satisfying int imacy

5) To share expenses

6) To o w n a cook/house keeper/home maintainer/

oney provider.

27


The reality of life i n today's secular society is that not

one of the reasons given above actually necessitates

marriage. People are quite happy to have chi ldren out of

wedlock, to live w i t h a person of the opposite gender and

be good friends; to have one or more regular sources of

satisfying int imacy wi thout marriage, often realizing i n

these partners shared expenses or a dominion over a

cook/home maintainer/money provider. Indeed the media

fields endless discussion on the pros and cons of

achieving the above i n or out of marriage, usually judging

i n sage wisdom that marriage may no longer be necessary

for the modern sophisticate. W h y should a man be held

back f r o m professional fu l f i l lment by commitment to a

woman? Can a woman juggle profession and chi ldren by

access to professional chi ld minding, so obviating the

need for a life partner?

So why then be married?

The answer for a Jew is simple.

I t is a Mitzvah (command by G-d) to be married . I t is

a Mitzvah to be f r u i t f u l and mult iply , to give b i r t h to

chi ldren i n marriage. Like all other Mitzvahs there may

be reasons but the reasons are always secondary. The

WHY BE MARRIED? 29

first and foremost reason we perform a Mitzvah is

because we are so commanded. 6

N o t always understood by non-observant Jews, is the

t r u t h that the keeping of Mitzvahs is i n fact a bonding

process w i t h G-d. As an example 7 of this imagine a

teacher appointing Yanky to clean the blackboard as a

special prize for being good. Yanky is delighted to have

been chosen and feels privileged to do the job . The job is

important f r o m Yanky's perspective but more important

to h i m is that he has been favored and privileged w i t h

the appointment w i t h the teacher. Furthermore by being

so chosen the boy has a special bond w i t h the teacher

dur ing the recital of the task w h i c h the other chi ldren i n

the class do not share for the time being. The example

demonstrates the obvious; A m Yisroel have been chosen

f r o m amongst all nations to be a people privileged to

perform a specific mission i n this wor ld by introducing

G-dliness into physicality. The task is to make a dwell ing

place for G-d i n the lowest of all worlds, the physical

wor ld . This mission is achieved through Jews learning

Torah and performing Mitzvahs so elevating the wor ld .

Some Mitzvahs make sense (e.g.: not to murder, not

to steal). Some Mitzvahs make no sense whatsoever (e.g.:

6. Sefer HaMaamarim Meluket, V o l . I I , p . 55ff .

7. HaYom Yom, entry 8 Cheshvan.


Kashrus, shatnes). The point of performing a Mitzvah is

that we are commanded to do so. Reasons come later, i f

at al l . The aim is to obey G-d's commands. I n obeying

these commands interdependence is forged, a

connection to G-d established. W e " touch" G-d's w i l l by

carrying out His w i l l .

So why be married? Because marriage is a Mitzvah.

A l l Mitzvahs have a body and a soul. The body of the

Mitzvah is the action; the soul is the mindset of the

person performing the Mitzvah. The Mitzvah of t e f i l l in

for example is the action of donning the te f i l l in , the

mitzvah of shabbos candles is the action of l ight ing the

candles, the Mitzvah of mezuzah is the affixing of the

scrolls on the doorposts. But although by performing the

action the duty has been discharged, the action remains

a body wi thout a soul. The soul of te f i l l in , shabbos

candles and mezuzah is the intent ion and focus of the

person when performing the various commands.

The Mitzvah of marriage also has a body and a soul.

The body is the marriage, the being married, the b i r th ing

of chi ldren. The soul of marriage is the m i n d set, the

focus of the partners to the marriage.

The m i n d set, the focus, necessitates the perspectives

we have learned. I t is helpful for the partners to know

and remember that they are each the completing half of

WHY BE MARRIED? 31

the other's soul offered to each other by Divine guidance.

(Perspective I ) I t is deeply important to be aware that

everything G-d does is for the best ; that every descent is

a precious opportunity for ascent, diamonds not stones.

(Perspective I I ) I t is vital to try to br ing to the marriage a

focus of Yisroel and not f u n c t i o n merely as Yaakov.

(Perspective I I I I ) I t is significant to the marriage to

measure long term perspectives against short term

benefits (Perspective I V ) . Finally, there needs to be a

realization that the environment of the marriage needs

the dominion over emotions rather than the enslavement

by them. (Perspective V)

W i t h these five perspectives the body of the Mitzvah

of marriage is enlivened w i t h a throbbing and palpable

soul. The general overview of the marriage is then not

only the due performance of a command, but a state of

happy and purposeful G-d serving being. The specific

methods of achieving this we w i l l learn together i n the

fo l lowing chapters.

Chapter 2

True Love

Having understood that i t is a mitzvah to be married

we now t u r n to the magical enchantment of marriage.

W e have learned before, and w i l l continue to see,

that everything i n the physical wor ld is a product and a

reflection of that w h i c h exists i n the spiritual wor ld .

There is a relationship between G-d and A m Yisrael

w h i c h is exclusive and loving and that is i n fact the

blueprint for the relationship between a married man

and woman. A man and woman who are i n love together

i n the various forms of love described below are i n love

because there is a corresponding spiritual state. M a n and

woman at their most intimate are a manifestation of the

relationship between G-d and A m Yisrael.

G-d is always described i n Torah as the masculine

partner and A m Yisrael as the female partner. The u n i o n

between G-d and A m Yisrael is a u n i o n of int imacy and a

33


u n i o n of connection. From the time of the giving of the

Torah to A m Yisrael, f r o m the time of the wedding of

G-d to His people, a new reality was created and subsists.

The clue is the level of exclusivity that we A m Yisrael

have for G-d and G-d for us. Hence the term Hashem

Elokeinu, w h i c h means "our G - d " (and not everybody

else's G-d) . Do we say that G-d isn't G-d for everybody?

O f course not. There is only one G-d and A m Yisrael has

been the banner holder, the flag bearer of that fact since

Abraham. W e are the people of steadfast insistence that

there is one G-d. A t the same time we say He is ours.

Why? Our relationship w i t h that one G-d is a special

relationship; the Torah says we are a precious nation, a

chosen nation. The preciousness and choice are the

exclusivity and changed reality of our unique relationship

— out of w h i c h is to come the wonder of new life by

changing the wor ld by bringing spirituality into

physicality.

Adam and Eve, the f irst man and woman, were i n fact

created as one. They were then separated by G-d, thus

al lowing the f irst conjunction w h i c h i n t u r n resulted i n

new life. This is very important code containing great

secrets of Torah. One secret, as explained i n Chassidus, 8

is that when a marriage takes place the u n i o n of the two

8. Sefer HaMaamarim 5638, p . 180; 5640, V o l . I I , p . 595.

TRUE LOVE 35

souls is really a re-union of two parts of the one soul.

This is a very deep proposit ion and m u c h follows f r o m i t

as we w i l l see. Al though physically a marriage is the

bringing together of two strangers, this reality is only a

physical reality. O n a spiritual level what is happening is

the two parts of the soul are re-uni t ing and the product

of this reunion is the magic of new life. (Sometimes the

soul has mult iple parts and so there exists divorce and

subsequent marriage.) 9

Because the two souls are i n essence one, i t therefore

follows that a primary defining characteristic of marriage

is that i t is a state of exclusivity. The man relates to the

woman exclusively and the woman relates to the man

exclusively. I f the two parts compliment each other and

nourish each other the u n i t w i l l grow and flower. I f there

is any level of inf idel i ty (whether physical or otherwise)

the two parts of the soul are at odds and at war w i t h each

other, resulting i n sickness and wither ing of that one

soul — the relationship.

There is a beauti ful letter f r o m the Rebbe to a young

person asking whether i t was really necessary to have

separate dancing at a wedding. The Rebbe replied

point ing out that marriage was the undertaking of a state

of exclusivity. W h a t sort of example was being provided

9. See Sefer Chassidim ch . 383 ; Igros Kodesh o f the Rebbe, V o l . 2, p . 193.


for this new state of exclusivity i f at the first possible

opportunity that uniqueness was ignored?

W e live i n a t ime when the media and the various

forms of communicat ion are eroding the exclusivity

between a man and a woman rapidly. I n the Jewish belief

system however, the state of man and wife being together

is a unique, holy condit ion. I t is not simply oriented to a

pleasure principle, although this is obviously important .

M u c h more, int imacy is the conduit to the extraordinary

magic of creation. I n other words, just as Hashem

creates the wor ld "yesh me'ayin" (something out of

nothing) , the product of married man and woman is

something out of nothing, a b i r t h , a new life.

I n Chapter 3 we w i l l learn of the three main

categories of emotion and their directions: giving

(chesed), taking (gevurah) and the combination of both

(tiferes).

I t is obvious that when a couple who have real love

and regard for each other and are really relating to each

other i n their conjugal u n i o n at the level of tiferes, then

there is achieved the deepest level of intimacy, described

i n Torah as "one flesh". Chassidus points out this is also

"one soul". The point here is a description of connection

into one unity . Obviously there is connection between

one body and another body, one animal soul to another,

TRUE LOVE 37

but at its highest point the connection is G-dly soul w i t h

G-dly soul. I n the physical wor ld i n w h i c h we live we

have to deal w i t h the mortgages, f ixing our kids' teeth

and the apparently impossible task of balancing our

budgets. There are times however, for everyone i n a good

marriage, when they can remember and reflect on the

precious moments of total intimacy. These moments are

a spiritual realization of soul reconnection and indeed

uni ty of one part of the soul w i t h the other.

There is a fascinating term i n T o r a h 1 0 for the first

int imacy between Adam and Eve w h i c h is f r o m the root

of the Hebrew word "daas" w h i c h has the meaning

" k n o w " . 1 1

The word translated into English is the word "know".

W e need to digress to understand the meaning of this

term i n Hebrew. As stated i n other places i n this book,

English is unfortunately a poor language for spiritual

description and we need a vocabulary of ideas i n order to

understand properly the crit ical meaning of a man and

woman "knowing" each other i n the sense used by the

Hebrew term.

Chabad Chassidus is so-called because of the acronym

of three words all of w h i c h loosely mean i n English "to

10. Bereishis 1:4.

1 1 . See Tanya end of chapter 3.


understand" or "to know". They come f r o m the fo l lowing

three words w h i c h describe the fo l lowing three states of

"understanding" or "knowledge":— chochmah, binah

and daas

1 . Chochmah is usually described as the original

flash of an idea and is merely that; a flash of an

idea w i t h no length and breadth. I t is a unique

and entirely new thought w h i c h remains to be

tested and explored. For example, i t may be that a

doctor treating patients for heart disorder may

f i n d one day that he has an outrageous new idea.

I t occurs to h i m that people who floss their teeth

seem less likely to have heart attacks. A t the time

that he has this original idea there is no

in troduct ion to i t , i t is entirely novel and wi thout

size or shape, length or breadth.

2. Binah — then comes the question of testing this

idea. H o w many people who floss their teeth have

heart attacks? H o w many people who do not floss

their teeth do not have heart attacks? W h a t is the

correlation between the two? Obviously control

groups have to be set up and statistics compiled.

W h e n this exhaustive process has been

undertaken i t is then safe to formulate a theory

w h i c h tabulates w i t h flossing and heart disease.

TRUE LOVE 39

3. Daas — f i n a l l y comes the important last question.

Assuming that the doctor establishes the

connection, does he then become a person who

regularly flosses his teeth? I f he does, he has daas

i n teeth-flossing. I f he does not, all the chochmah

and all the binah i n the wor ld simply do not

change his behavior.

I t is this change of behavior that we learn i n

Chassidus is crit ical to a mans development. I t is very

important to "understand" original concepts i n Torah. I t

is very important to "understand" the application and the

length and breadth of the halachas (laws) i n Torah. The

crit ical issue is whether w i t h this in format ion and these

two levels of understanding a man changes his behavior.

A t a deeper level, not only is behavior changed but also

speech and also thought. W e w i l l learn more about this

together i n the chapters on the soul.

Meanwhile , i t is sufficient to understand that this

change of behavior, speech and thought brings about an

entirely new reality. I n the simple teeth example the

doctor now has a new reality knowing/understanding that

he is at risk by not flossing his teeth . W h e n the Torah

uses the term for Adam knowing/understanding Eve i t is

the term referred to as daas above. W h a t is being

connoted here is that Adam, through his u n i o n w i t h Eve,


found an entirely new reality changing both of them

forever.

I n a good marriage this is really what needs to take

place. The conjunction of the two parts of the one soul

reconfigure i n a way that their reality is indelibly

changed for all t ime. The change is f r o m the outlook and

reality of an individual , to the outlook and reality of a

u n i t ; a loving, supporting, reinforcing uni t , the outcome

of w h i c h is the wonder of new life.

Two teenagers exploring for the sake of physical

pleasure only, w i l l not f i n d the level of int imacy being

described. The level of connection w h i c h exists between

a married man and woman does so because of the two

factors of exclusivity and changed reality.

So what is true of A m Yisrael i n her relationship w i t h

G-d is true of man and woman. W h e n the relationship is

intimate and exclusive and we are connected one w i t h

the other, the result is vitality, l i fe. I f a person's focus is

merely on his animal drives, his animal soul, and not on

exclusive connection, then his l ife, no matter how i t is

dressed up w i t h money, cars, food and drink, is bereft

and poor and he goes hungry.

Exactly the same is true for partners i n a marriage.

Chapter 3

Do You Love Chocolate?

The human frame is approximately th i r ty percent

head and seventy percent body. The th i r ty percent

controls th ink ing and the seventy percent action. The

human body requires c lothing both for modesty and

protection.

There is a wel l -known generality f r o m Chassidus that

everything that exists i n the physical is a reflection and

the product of that w h i c h exists i n the spiritual .

Fascinatingly, and predictably therefore, is the fact

that the human soul is made up of ten levels. 1 2 Th i r ty

percent are intellect and seventy percent are emotion.

Just as does the body, the soul also requires garments

w h i c h we w i l l learn later are thought, speech and

a c t i o n . 1 3 W e w i l l see later that although all the garments

12. See Tanya, c h . 3.

13. Ibid., c h . 4 .

41


of the soul, like human clothing, can be changed, and

can be changed fairly easily w i t h effort, the essence of

the soul is not available for change by ordinary people.

The givens of the soul i n most people are just that:

givens, and they remain i m m u t a b l e . 1 4

For the time being i t is important to understand that

the essence of the soul (as opposed to its garments)

contains a combination of the three different levels of

intellect and seven different levels of emotion. The three

levels of intellect are discussed elsewhere. The seven

levels of emotion are broadly divided i n Chassidus into

"r ight" , " lef t " and "center". 1 5

O n the r ight side is the (Hebrew word) chesed.

Chesed is d i f f i cu l t to translate i n one word, but connotes

kindness, giving, forgiveness, and expansiveness.

O n the left side is (the Hebrew word) gevurah. This

connotes strictness, order, discipline, and boundaries.

I n the middle and below both is (the Hebrew word)

tiferes w h i c h connotes a perfection of chesed and

gevurah, a combination, fu l f i l lment and completion of

both leading to a level of compassion.

14. See Tanya, chs. 12, 13; Hemshech 5672, V o l . I , p . 203; Sefer HaMaama-

rim Meluket, V o l . I I , p . 292.

15. See Torah Or, Toldos, p . 19a ff .

DO YOU LOVE CHOCOLATE? 43

I t is important to understand that neither chesed

(kindness) nor gevurah (strictness) has anything to do

w i t h good and bad. A person may exhibit chesed for good

or for bad and so too w i t h gevurah. Kindness can be good

but too m u c h kindness i n handing a chi ld excess sweets

may r u i n his health. Discipline can be good but too

m u c h may break the spirit of the ch i ld . A person who has

a soul weighted towards chesed w i l l react i n a chesed-like

manner and a person who has a soul weighted to gevurah

w i l l act i n a gevurah-like manner whether the action is

good or bad. For example, 1 6 suppose a k n o w n drug-

addict approaches a person i n the street asking for

twenty dollars to buy food. Assume for the sake of the

example that the person approached is a good person

who, because of his good intentions, wants to help the

addict. I f he is a chesed person, he w i l l thrust the twenty

dollars at the addict induced by empathy for his pl ight .

He is overwhelmed by pity and the need of the person

making the request.

A person governed by gevurah on the other hand, also

wanting to help the addict, may determine that i t would

be better not to give h i m the money so that he would be

denied access to further potentially lethal drugs.

Therefore, like the chesed man, the gevurah man also

16. Sefer HaMaamarim Kuntreisim, V o l . I , p . 166ff .


wants to help the recipient but does so he believes, by

doing the opposite and wi thhold ing the money.

A t h i r d person i n w h o m the trait of tiferes shines most

brightly may neither give the money nor w i t h h o l d i t . He

may choose instead to deal w i t h the situation by taking

the man to a food store and feeding h i m .

I t can be seen therefore that chesed is not necessarily

good and that gevurah is not necessarily bad, or vice

versa, but that they are different emotions and they

affect different results i n action.

One of the fascinating properties of emotion is that

each emotion has its own direction. The chesed groups of

emotions are outward f lowing whereas the gevurah group

is incoming. Usually chesed connotes giving over to

someone else, moving something away f r o m the giver to

the domain of the recipient. Gevurah on the other hand,

connotes a taking f r o m or l i m i t i n g someone else. I n the

example of the drug addict the person governed by chesed

has the emotional need to give his money to the addict,

whereas the person governed by gevurah has the

emotional need to deny the money to the addict,

wi thholding i t f r o m h i m .

A l l of the seven emotions fa l l into one or other of the

general chesed (right) group, the gevurah (left) group or

the tiferes (middle) group.


I t is important i n understanding the dynamics of

interpersonal relations between husband and wife that

the parties to the marriage learn to identify these

groupings and the directions these emotions take. Love is

an excellent example. I t goes w i t h o u t saying that an

important ingredient i n marriage is love. Love however,

can be chesed, gevurah or tiferes. For example, when a

parent loves his ch i ld the emotion i f he described i t ,

would be a giving, supporting and self sacrificing

emotion (chesed). The parent wants good for the ch i ld .

Ult imately a good parent wants to give over everything to

the chi ld to the point where the chi ld can f u n c t i o n on its

own wi thout the need for the support of the parent. The

love is a giving love and the biggest nachas of the parent

is that although loved by the chi ld , he is no longer

needed for the child's funct ioning as an adult, the parent

having contributed all w i t h i n his power.

W h e n the same parent loves chocolate the emotion i f

he described i t , would be a taking, consuming, self

gratifying emotion (gevurah). He is not interested i n the

welfare of the chocolate, he is i n fact interested i n

gratifying himself. His pleasure comes f r o m completely

destroying the chocolate by consuming i t ; the more

totally the chocolate is consumed the more pleased and

gratified he is.


There is nothing wrong or r ight about either emotion

properly directed. There are times when chessed needs to

be actioned and there are times when gevurah needs to

be actioned. The danger arises where there is confusion

between chesed and gevurah, when one emotion is

mistaken for the other.

There are times i n a marriage where the partners

need to express themselves through chesed. They need to

give to each other, they need to provide comfort and

support for the other. Equally there are times when they

need to take f r o m the partner expressing themselves

through gevurah. Sometimes the combination of tiferes is

necessary. Mar i ta l relations are an obvious example of

where both directions need to be i n evidence as

combined.

Problems arise when the two directions become

confused as opposed to combined. A husband

manifesting gevurah c laiming i t to be chesed perplexes

and frustrates his wife . Demanding to have his needs

catered for while c laiming to be only interested i n the

wife's welfare is a fraudulent confusion of these

directions. Have you ever witnessed a husband eating his

wife's por t ion of cake f r o m her plate kindly saving her

f r o m becoming too fat? Or, having burnt the toast and

too lazy to make more, assure the spouse that burnt toast


is wonderful for health? W e w i l l see that both directions

are important ; t r u t h demands however, that each

direction be fa i thful ly identif ied and recognized for what

i t is. I f one partner is infr inging on the other's space to

the point of i t becoming debilitating, i t is important that

this behavior be l imi ted by the party suffering. Ult imately

the perfect state is one i n w h i c h tiferes is achieved; a

combination of giving emotions and taking emotions but

always, and primari ly , for the benefit of the other person.

As mentioned above, and this w i l l be discussed

further as we travel together, emotional attributes are for

most people unchangeable. I t is therefore impossible for

one marriage partner to expect that the other to change

f r o m being a chesed person to a gevurah person or the

reverse. W h a t needs to be achieved is an honest

recognition of when one is funct ioning through their

chesed or through their gevurah. W h e n this is sincerely

understood an evaluation of the effect on the other

person becomes possible. This is because, w i t h o u t these

skills, i t is d i f f i cul t to recognize whether a partner

making a decision resolving a confl ict is doing so for the

benefit of the partner or merely acting i n the interests of

their own private agenda. For example, suppose a

husband comes home w i t h a br i l l iant new business deal

and the wife refuses permission for their involvement. I f

the refusal is based on fear (gevurah) i t is important to be


able to identify this is as the reason. One can then work

w i t h that reason to determine whether i t overrides the

soundness of the business plan . I f on the other hand the

refusal to participate is driven by the conviction that the

husband, although maybe a wonderful father and

scholar, is simply a sucker i n the hands of the proposed

ventures, this is a perception motivated by the wife's

chesed, and should be identif ied as such to the husband

to determine whether or not the business deal should

proceed. I n both instances the emotions are considered

against the wisdom of the business deal because they

have been correctly and honestly identi f ied. A t no point

is there any issue of the emotions being "good" or "bad".

A t no point is there an unident i f ied private agenda. The

point f r o m where the emotions emanate has been

understood and so now a decision based on reason can

be made. I t is only then that emotional reactions can be

dominated by appropriate intellectual appraisal.

I n accordance w i t h Perspective V, ult imately a happy

marriage depends on both parties having the strength of

m i n d to regulate their emotions by reason. This can only

be achieved however by first understanding the emotions

to begin w i t h and f r o m where they come.

Part 3

Secrets of Garments of the Soul

Thought

Chapter 4

Clothing of the Soul

The human soul is made up of ten levels. Three are

intellectual , seven emotional. The three w h i c h are

intellectual are chochma, binah and daas (see Chapter 2)

and represent three out of the ten levels (see Chapter 3).

The remaining seven levels are levels of emotion and the

main three of these are chesed (kindness), gevurah

(strictness) and tiferes (compassion/perfection) (see also

Chapter 3).

51


These ten levels of the soul are called the ten sefiros

and exist because they mirror ten levels i n G-dliness. I t is

this fact that causes the Torah to describe man as having

been created i n the likeness of G-d.

Since every person has a soul i t is a wonder that our

society spends so l i t t le t ime i n trying to understand

something about its make-up. I t is even more of a

wonder i n relation to a married couple that the parties

remain oblivious to the fact that since they are both parts

of the one soul, these ten general levels are deeply

personally relevant.

A human being needs clothing for the obvious two

reasons of modesty and warmth .

As w i l l be repeated many times i n this book,

everything i n the physical realm is a result and a

reflection of that w h i c h exists i n the spiritual realm. The

fact that a person needs clothing is a reflection of a

spiritual need of the soul. Because the soul has clothing,

the body needs clothing. A n animal has a life force

wi thout c lothing and therefore the animal does not need

clothing.

I n a human being the c lothing of the soul takes three

separate levels: 1 7

17. See Tanya, c h . 4.

CLOTHING OF THE SOUL 53

thought, speech and action — each more remote

than the one before.

Thought is the most inner garment, w i t h speech the

next, and action the most extraneous garment. This is a

fundamental reality which , wi thout Chassidus and Torah

training, makes for l i felong confusion. U n t i l a person

learns to understand that his essential make-up is

clothed i n these three levels of thought, speech and

action, he does not understand how to utilize these three

levels of garments and i n fact learn to change them.

Changing the garments of the soul is available to

everybody. Although the most inner garment of thought is

continuous (we even think uninterruptedly while asleep,

dreaming) the content of what a person thinks about is i n

fact under his control. I t is an astonishing thing to most

beginners i n Chassidus to learn that the content of their

thought process is entirely a matter of free choice. So

although a person cannot choose whether he thinks or not,

what he thinks about remains his prerogative. There is a

wonderful story of a chassid who complained to his Rebbe

of being plagued by foreign and mundane thoughts

entering his davening. The Rebbe sent h i m on a long and

arduous journey to meet a person who would teach h i m the

great skills of holiness while praying. The chassid arrived at

his destination i n the dead cold of late night and banged


repeatedly on the door w i t h no success at entry despite the

householder's obvious presence. W h e n he was finally given

entry i n the morning, the owner of the house explained to

h i m that as he was the master of his house, he chose who

could enter and who could not, and when they could enter

and when not. The chassid then understood that a person

is equally a gate-keeper to his thoughts.

The second level of garment is speech. Speech is a

revelation of one's thought process and too can be

controlled. W e w i l l see elsewhere (Chapter 7) that

speech is a very great power i n creation both negative

and positive. W e w i l l see later that a husband and wife

can effect not only their relationship but their lives by

speech. Meanwhile i t is sufficient to understand that

speech (being a more extraneous garment), although a

revelation of thought, is more easily w i t h i n the control of

the speaker. Both the quantity and content of the speech

are totally w i t h i n the domain and free choice of a person.

Finally, action is the most obvious of the three

garments because i t is the most external. I t is therefore

most easily controlled. I t is no surprise to most people

that their actions can be controlled, although the media

and some modern foolish belief systems would have the

populace believe that often a person "simply couldn't

help i t " . N o t h i n g can be further f r o m the t r u t h . The


reality is that action, like speech and thought, can be

controlled and controlled absolutely. There is no such

th ing as "couldn't help i t " . There is no true concept that

i t was "bigger than both of us". A person forges an action

because he chooses to do so. Equally a person refrains

f r o m action because he chooses to do so.

As explained briefly i n Chapter 3, emotions are fixed

and those levels of the soul w h i c h are referable to

emotion cannot be changed i n most people (tzaddikim

are an exception) . 1 8 I n ordinary people, the soul makes

the descent into a body w i t h a pre-determined spiritual

D N A . That spiritual D N A is made up of the three

intel lectual levels of chochma, binah and daas, and seven

levels of emotion (as explained earlier). These ten levels

of the soul remain immutable but it's garments (thought,

speech and action) can and often must be changed.

One of the tests of any spiritual growth is the extent

to w h i c h these garments are examined and, where

necessary, changed. The Rebbe often spoke of people not

necessarily being the age on their passport. The

impl icat ion is that some people achieve spiritual growth

commensurate w i t h their years and some do not.

Spiritual growth involves the ability to understand one's

intel lectual and emotional make-up and choose

18. See above footnote 14.


appropriate garments to enclothe that essence. Often, i f

this is achieved, the result of this w i l l be that i t w i l l

seem, at least to the outside wor ld , that the person has i n

fact changed his intel lectual and or emotional essence.

For example, let us suppose that a man is an

incorrigible miser. W h e n asked for charity he is i n l i teral

pain at the thought of donation. Giving away his money

is more d i f f i cu l t than tearing away his flesh. His greatest

joy is to hoard his wealth, secrete i t f r o m the rest of the

wor ld and quietly pore over i t , l icking his mental chops at

each and every gl int ing coin and strangely beauti ful

colored note. N o w let us suppose that this miser realizes

that this trait (which he cannot help as i t is part of his

emotional spiritual D N A ) is ugly, cruel and contrary to

his religious belief system. Let us further suppose that

every day of his life, no matter how pa infu l i t is, he

makes i t his business to give charity i n an apparently

generous manner. I t becomes k n o w n that every beggar

that goes to h i m , leaves rewarded; i t becomes known of

h i m that every ins t i tu t ion for the poor or deprived is

supported by h i m . A t no time is the pain of giving

lessened; the action of giving is pure duty. N o w when

that man dies and is buried i n the cemetery, he w i l l be

remembered as a generous donor of charity. The

question is, was he really? The answer to that is that the

question is irrelevant. I n terms of his emotional make-up,


the man is a miser. O f what importance is that to

anybody other than h i m and G-d? I n real life he is a

hero. He has thought out the necessity for change and

actualized this necessity by the physical fact of

repeatedly giving charity at generous levels. He has

clothed his miserly tendencies w i t h generous garments.

The example holds true across the whole spectrum of the

soul's garments.

Just as one can change one's actions, one can change

the next inner garment of speech. I f tempted to shame or

degrade, one can desist and hold one's tongue.

O n an even more sophisticated level, one can tra in

oneself to control one's thoughts, and by so doing even

influence mood (see Chapter 6).

W h a t does all of this have to do w i t h marriage? The

answer to this is everything. Two people contract to live

together for a l i fet ime. They know i n advance that they

are going to spend a l i fet ime peppered w i t h joy, pain,

wealth, poverty, strength, frai l ty. They know that they are

going to have intel lectual and emotional needs and

equipment to deal w i t h those needs. No matter how

negative any of those needs may be however, they have

the power to change the garments that they wear w i t h

each other. Each party to the marriage has the ability to

control the way they behave. A t a deeper level, each party


to the marriage has the ability to control they way they

speak to each other. A t the deepest level, each party to

the marriage has the ability to t h i n k out for themselves

that the negatives of their partner are not important i n

the scheme of things, and the positives of their partner

are w o r t h appreciating. Husband and wife can act, speak

and t h i n k supportively and w i t h loyal appreciation of

each other because they can control this. Even i f none of

these things come to a person naturally a great life skill is

the laundering and arranging of these garments.

I t should give a person great confidence to know that

irrespective of whether he is stupid or clever, passionate

or quiet, k i n d or severe, giving or selfish (all immutable

essences of the soul) he stil l can change the way that

combination thinks, speaks and acts. I f a person has the

w i l l (and nothing stands i n the way of wi l l ) he can achieve

a level of thought, speech and action that is entirely

satisfying to his spouse and to himself. I n a marriage

where there is real shalom bayis (peace i n the house) the

parties have learned either instinctively for the lucky few,

or w i t h education for the greater majority, to launder and

beautify their thought, speech and actions, discarding the

soiled and ugly for the fresh and attractive.

Chapter 5

Yeshus

The Hebrew word "yeshus" is a concept i n Torah

di f f i cu l t to define and translate. The word connotes a

perverse sense of self, an over-embellished focus on one's

needs to the exclusion of those of others, feelings of

inflated centrality. The word describes an exaggerated

sense of ego and heightened self importance.

Yeshus is a kelipah (evil) w h i c h is a main nemesis to a

man's real spiritual growth. The greater the yeshus, the

more d i f f i cu l t to progress spiritually i n positive

development. Yeshus is also the main barrier to

comfortable co-existence of a married couple.

W e saw i n The Ladder Up that the more yeshus one

has the more room he requires and the less space is left

for his partner. Since everyone, (and therefore of course

a spouse), needs room, yeshus is also not only the

59


personal enemy but the enemy of partnership space

sharing. W e w i l l see this i n more detail the next Chapter.

Yeshus should not be confused w i t h the recognition of

one's own value. Recognition of self-worth is a positive

trait and indeed crit ical for the funct ioning of a healthy

person. 1 9 Moses, after in i t ia l doubt, knew that he was the

best man for the j o b . 2 0 One is not expected to be a fool

and ignore one's talents and capabilities i n false modesty.

I t is when pride is accorded to one's G-d given talents

that the problem of yeshus arises. I f a man is clever, his

cleverness is given to h i m by G-d. For h i m to pretend

that he is stupid is idiocy. O n the other hand, being

proud of being clever is equally another idiocy. Self

esteem is an awareness of talent but needs to be

accompanied by the concern for whether the talent is

exploited fu l ly and responsibly. The greater the concern

for the responsibility w h i c h accompanies the talent, the

greater the bittul (humil i ty ) . Paradoxically, greater bittul

can only come f r o m greater talent; wi thout the talent

there would be no need for the responsibility.

Self esteem is therefore an excellent th ing; knowing

one's qualities and capabilities is a requirement of Torah.

W h e n a man makes a spiritual accounting i n the m o n t h

19. See Likkutei Sichos, V o l . 22 , p . 160ff.

20 . See Sefer HaMaamarim 5697, p . 298 .

YESHUS 61

of Elul (the m o n t h before the high holidays), i n

preparation for his service i n the m o n t h of Tishrei (the

m o n t h of the high holidays) he is required to make a

spiritual balance sheet of everything he has done for

good and bad i n the preceding year. Just as we regret the

bad, we cannot ignore the good. The terror of the man

w i t h real h u m i l i t y is to assess whether, given his abilities,

he has discharged his responsibility to a sufficient

degree.

Yeshus is the disease of c laiming G-d given talent as

one's own credit, so apparently ent i t l ing one to a level of

privilege and envy amongst peers. I t is a focus on self

wi thout a corresponding sense of duty. I n extreme cases

this self involvement can lead to the subject being

completely oblivious to the needs of his neighbor (and of

course spouse) to the point that he honestly has no

conception of the damage he has or may cause.

There is a danger i n not understanding a very

important matter relating to yeshus. There is a temptation

to criticize a person when his yeshus is visible. This is

because as we w i l l see later, yeshus, apart f r o m being an

evil, is ugly when manifest. The person affl icted w i t h

yeshus however, is not to be criticized but pi t ied and

helped. His yeshus pr imari ly destroys his life and only

secondly is a damaging force to others. Personal


fu l f i l lment remains impossible for the person whose

yeshus forces all focus to remain self centered. This is a

sad and deep problem as we w i l l see further i n the book.

I t should be noted that successfully changing yeshus

to bittul is for most people probably the most d i f f i cul t

th ing they w i l l ever achieve. The road is long and

agonizingly d i f f i cu l t . I t is glib and easy to talk of change

here, but i n t r u t h this requires an expert and k i n d

mashpiah (mentor) who is prepared to patiently spend

the time encouraging and helping the v ic t im to change,

or at least subdue the problem. The fact that yeshus is an

evil is not a cr i t ic ism; i t is, instead, akin to a f o r m of

sickness w i t h w h i c h most people are affl icted. The

condit ion ranges however, f r o m a slightly runny nose to

being entirely crippled.

Nevertheless since man has free choice, he has free

choice i n relation to his yeshus. Obviously this can be

d i f f i cu l t because yeshus is often a product of education

and environmental issues. I t can be very sad when for

example, the parenting i n a home causes exaggerated

focus on a chi ld , such that the ch i ld is unconscious i n

relation to developing sensitivity to others. The educative

process is to change yeshus to bittul (humil i ty ) . This

d i f f i cul t and long road needs to be one w h i c h the person

affl icted w i t h the yeshus wants to walk.

YESHUS 63

Yeshus is so negative i t also applies i n terms of ones

inabilities and failings. For some people there is di f f icul ty

differentiating between those inabilities and failings

w h i c h are G-d given and those w h i c h are a result of one's

chosen failings (such as inactivity, laziness, and

selfishness).

So there are two sides to yeshus; one the stupid

boasting and adoration of talents w h i c h are not

achievements; the other and reverse is the lament of the

lack of certain talents engendering self hate. Both are

aspects of the same yeshus and both are aspects of the

same kelipah. Both are evil. Both are an absolute

impediment to a person's growth. Advancement is made

progressively and proportionately w i t h the shedding of

yeshus.

W e w i l l see that a person's yeshus is his enemy i n

many and various relationship areas. I t is first a man's

own worst enemy, i t is the enemy of the married

partners, i t is the enemy of both the individual's and

partner's relationship w i t h their friends and family.

As foreshadowed above the solution to yeshus is to

replace i t w i t h bittul (humi l i ty ) . I t is d i f f i cu l t to be

married to someone w i t h yeshus — the more yeshus the

more d i f f i cu l t . Sadly this is seldom the perspective of the

one causing the pain. Once when the Rebbe was


discussing yeshus i n a farbrengen, he smiled as he noted

that everyone present knew he was talking of the person

to the left and r ight of them. . .

W e all can learn about yeshus and even understand i t

but the common feature of this kelipah is that even once

identi fying i t , i t is always the fault of someone else. The

great paradox is that the more the husband complains of

the wife's selfishness, the more we probably are

witnessing the cravings for space and the manifestation

of yeshus of the husband. The more he sees a lack of

consideration or respect, the more suspicious he should

be at his need for this consideration or respect, realizing

that i t is not available on demand and needs to be

earned. I t may be his very yeshus, his preoccupation w i t h

himself that is preventing that very consideration or

respect.

The more the yeshus can be identi f ied by the person

having the yeshus, the happier the marriage w i l l be,

assuming he is committed to treating the problem.

Sorrowfully the more the yeshus is identi f ied by the

recipient, the more d i f f i cu l t w i l l the relationship be. I n

the next chapter we w i l l see the fascinating effects of

l i m i t i n g yeshus at a practical level.

Chapter 6

Bitterness and Depression

There is an obligation upon a Jew to be j o y f u l at all

times. W i t h consistent effort, by learning Torah and

internalizing the perspectives at the beginning of this

book together w i t h realizing that everything that G-d

does is for the good (accepting that this is not always

obvious), a person can become j o y f u l constantly.

Furthermore, every descent is for the purpose of ascent,

every challenge is for the purpose of growth. Every soul

w i l l descend into the perfect body for that soul's tests

and w i l l live i n a t ime, place and environment w h i c h

perfectly maximizes its challenges. So i f a person learns

enough Chassidus, and the perspectives set out at the

beginning of this book become part of his reality, he w i l l

come to understand that he has exactly what he needs to

actualize what he can become. Al though this is very deep

and di f f i cul t for the beginner i n Chassidus, by

65


maintaining his focus on the above a person can learn to

live i n an ongoing state of joy.

Nevertheless, there are times when one suffers i n

pain. I t is d i f f i cu l t for a man to make his way through the

plethora of negative feelings that must be endured f r o m

time to time and remain j o y f u l . W i t h the benefit of

learning Chassidus, i t becomes possible to f i n d a path of

understanding and managing pa infu l negative events and

feelings. W i t h o u t i t , i t is almost impossible. Depression

is one good example. Secular wisdom has made inroads

into biochemical depression w i t h chemicals which ,

though offering some relief, do not always guarantee long

term cure. The drugs have been found to make a

difference to people w i t h hormonal or biochemical

imbalance caused depression, although a lot of

experimentation is involved i n f inding the r ight

medication for the r ight person. The relief through drugs

although welcome, sometimes dampens simple

pleasures. I t seems clear however, that many people are

affl icted w i t h depression for reasons other than

biochemical. For these people guidance is necessary to

f i n d the l ight to fol low through the labyrinth of dark

tunnels of misery.

Before cont inuing, a dist inct ion needs to be made

between two Hebrew terms. The English language is a

BITTERNESS AND DEPRESSION 67

wonderful ly r i ch vocabulary for poetry, music and for

describing beauty i n physicality. For spiritual concepts

however, English vocabulary is weak and t h i n . W e need

therefore to use two Hebrew words to try and get a

feeling for two separate mental states of sadness.

There are two negative states when a person is i n

pain and unhappy. One is described as "merirus"

normally translated as "bitterness". The other is "atzvus"

normally translated as "depression". I n Hebrew, these

terms connote very different mental states. 2 1 Before

describing both of these states we begin w i t h an example.

Suppose a man's restaurant is going badly. Slowly over a

period of months less and less patrons t u r n up to eat. His

profits t h i n to nothing, his overheads remain. The

restaurant no longer pays. He cannot dismiss the chef

and waiters because he cannot manage wi thout them. He

cannot keep them because he cannot pay them. As the

restaurant declines our poor subject is overwhelmed to

the point that he dreads turn ing up to see the empty

tables and cannot sleep at night worrying about the

future of the restaurant and the consequent f inancial

future of his family.

N o w there are two entirely different ways the new

restaurateur can respond.

2 1 . Tanya, c h . 3 1 .


The first is w i t h merirus (bitterness). Since he is idle

anyway, he gets to work. He re-plans the restaurant,

makes decisions to change the menu, the chef, the

premises and tries to b u i l d new marketing programs. I n

this case his unhappiness has led to positive action.

Obviously this action may or may not be successful but

the action is positive and purposeful. This is the concept

of merirus. Clearly the man is i n pain over the failure of

the restaurant but this pain, or bitterness, has prompted

h i m to do something about i t .

The second is w i t h atzvus (depression). Given the

same scenario, our poor subject cannot cope and

becomes increasingly frozen into inactivity. Unl ike the

man who has merirus and who is prompted into positive

action the man w i t h atzvus simply does nothing. He is

overwhelmed by the problem and this feeling of being

overwhelmed rather than leading to action, leads to the

reverse — inact ion. I n extreme cases the man goes to

bed, pulls the covers over his head and simply gives up.

A n ult imate test i n Chassidus of the w o r t h of a desire

is to examine the outcome. I f the outcome is an action

for good, then the process was good. I f the outcome is a

lack of good, a lack of something positive, then the

process was bad. Interestingly, the result of atzvus

(depression) is the exact opposite to the perspectives set


out i n the beginning of this book; Divine Providence is

ignored (Perspective I ) , positive outlook is ignored

(Perspective I I ) , there is no sense whatever of the

spiritual (Perspective I I I ) , there is no long term view of

anything (Perspective IV) and emotion totally dominates

reason (Perspective V ) .

W e learn further i n Chassidus 2 2 that where the

outcome of a problem is the lack of positive action, one

has clear evidence of the workings of the yetzer hora (evil

incl inat ion) . Where the outcome of a confl ict is action

w i t h a good result, we have evidence of t r i u m p h over the

yetzer hora. Put another way, refusal to perform an act

for good, no matter how persuasive the reason, is

succumbing to the wiles of yetzer hora. W i t h atzvus

(depression) since the outcome is a lack of positive

action i t must, by def ini t ion be driven by and the result

of the yetzer hora.

Merirus is fundamentally a state w h i c h evidences l i fe .

Even i f the plans are unsuccessful the pain has been

positive i n the sense that i t has led to action. O n the

other hand atzvus leading as i t does to less and less

activity is akin to death.

I t is important to understand that merirus and atzvus

are both separate and different reactions to the same set

22. Tanya, c h . 26ff .


of facts. One person's reaction is to do something

prompted by those facts, (merirus) and the other persons

reaction is to give i n to them (atzvus). W e w i l l see

presently that the difference is a f u n c t i o n of the evil of

yeshus explained i n Chapter 5.

So how do we qualify this difference? To do so more

clearly we need another example. Imagine a lawyer

advising on a complex series of business deals. Al though

his advice is given i n good fa i th , sadly the client looses a

fortune and is ult imately made bankrupt. Clearly the

lawyer w i l l feel sad about this result i f he is i n any way

human. But the crit ical question is, is his sadness

sympathy for the pl ight of his client, or do his insides fa l l

to the floor i n fear of how the result is going to affect

him? Both reactions are normal . One person's reaction is

focused on the client who has lost everything. The other

person's focus is entirely on himself and what w i l l

become of h i m . W i l l he be sued? H o w w i l l his reputation

suffer? H o w w i l l his general standing i n the community

be affected? Again we have an example where the event

is the same. A man is advised; he follows the advice to

his detriment and looses money. The difference is the

reaction of the advisor. Is his adviser's focus on the

v i c t i m or on himself?


The key to understanding non biochemical

depression is available through Chassidus as we w i l l see.

The variable i n both examples is the subject's yeshus.

Returning to the example of the fai l ing restaurant, what

is the difference underlying the two separate reactions?

The answer lies i n the focus of the individual . One man's

focus is on the restaurant and action, the other man's

focus is on himself. H o w w i l l he face his wife, friends,

creditors, bank manager, how w i l l he be able to maintain

his payments on his Porsche? I t is this focus w h i c h

drives h i m into a state of inactivity because the focus is

on h i m ; the focus is a f u n c t i o n of his yeshus.

The stronger the merirus the stronger w i l l be the

prompt ing to do something positive. The stronger the

yeshus however, the greater the inactivity. One of the

things that secular wisdom has noticed is that an

antidote to depression is activity. O f course people who

are deeply depressed f i n d i t very d i f f i cu l t to embark upon

or maintain m u c h activity. Nevertheless, i t has been

noticed that i f a person who is depressed can be engaged

to perform some forms of activity this w i l l help i n the

short term. This is because there is a shift of focus f r o m

the person himself to a task at hand. O f course, i f that

task is seen as meaningless the person w i l l tire of i t

quickly and resume focus on himself. Patients i n

institutions given the job of basket weaving or kn i t t ing or


doing some such activity w i l l f i n d short term benefits.

Disappointingly the importance of the activity is soon

weighed, and i f not found meaningful the focus is

returned to the person himself and depression is re¬

established. I f however, a person can be encouraged to

change the focus f r o m himself to action w h i c h is

valuable and demanding, the amazing th ing is the

depression w i l l disappear at least for the time of action.

The problem of yeshus and depression is strengthened

by the fact that often the condit ion is not a person's

fault . He may have been conditioned into th ink ing i n

terms of himself all of his l ife. As explained i n Chapter 5,

yeshus is not something to criticize but to pity and try to

help. W h i l e everything goes wel l for a person his yeshus

may be allowed to flower i n the sunshine w i t h everybody

bowing and scraping to h i m ; then his mental condit ion

may be stable. The problem is that when something goes

wrong, focus is internalized. H o w is he affected, why is

he deserving of the disaster? As we have seen, the result

is depression. The more a person thinks about himself i n

this way the more he feels sorry for himself and the

deeper the depression becomes u n t i l i t is almost

impossible to shift the focus f r o m the person to the

action required.


A n important issue is the ability to identify merirus

(bitterness) and atzvus (depression) because sometimes

they w i l l be dressed i n similar c lothing. Al though the

product of merirus is action and the product of atzvus is

inact ion i t is st i l l nevertheless sometimes di f f i cul t to

distinguish between the two. One useful test is to

understand the matter of frequency of thought. W h e n

one is th inking healthily (merirus) one is able to schedule

times for negative thought. I n the example of the

restaurant, the owner would be able to channel the

th ink ing for f ixing the restaurant into , say, business

hours. The problem w i t h atzvus, w h i c h is as we have

explained a func t ion of yeshus, is that the thought

processes are not capable of being scheduled into time

units for the very reason that the thoughts are about the

person himself. This is by the def ini t ion of the yeshus

absolutely the most important th ing i n the universe.

Therefore, i n extreme cases, one is overwhelmed by these

thoughts all of the t ime. Such a person cannot daven,

relate to his wife or children, or perform any happy tasks

because he is constantly plagued by the intrus ion of the

misery thoughts w h i c h are themselves, h i m . The solution

to depression therefore is the substitution of yeshus w i t h

bittul (see chapter 5). Interestingly, merirus is good for a

marriage i n that the partners can get together and b u i l d

f r o m i t by the positive action we have seen. Depression is


hard on a marriage because one person's self focus

excludes the partner f r o m the problem, creating and

widening separation.

W e w i l l see i n the fo l lowing chapters that since

yeshus is emotion, i t can and must be controlled by

thought (Perspective V ) . The methodology is focus on

the perspectives. A person is given divine orchestration to

best achieve his potential (Perspective I ) . He needs to

know his rocks are really diamonds (Perspective I I ) ; his

view needs to be long term (Perspective I I I ) , spiritual as

wel l as physical (Perspective IV) and his brain must rule

his emotion (Perspective V ) . W i t h honest understanding

of the role of yeshus, inroads into depression can be

made. As we w i l l see a person can control thoughts and

therefore his negative thoughts. This way he can move

the focus f r o m himself to action thus solving the problem

of depression and reopening the doorway to happiness

and joy.

Speech

Chapter 7

Criticism — The Acid

that Eats Away Love

Crit ic ism is acid w h i c h eats away love. I t is one of the

most dangerous behavioral weapons that exist between a

husband and wife and should almost never be accessed.

A person should view cri t ic ism exactly as he does a

d r u m of concentrated acid which , i f brought into the

75


house, is done so at risk. Once there, i t must be treated

w i t h extreme caution because of its l ife-threatening

corrosive properties.

Before discussing cri t ic ism as revealed to us i n

Chassidus, i t is important to understand that the power

of speech is a fundamental secret of creation. Speech is

one of the drivers of the universe. I t is the gift to

mankind who, i n t u r n , is the crowning glory of G-d's

creations. As often explained i n this book, everything i n

the physical is a reflection of that w h i c h exists i n the

spiritual. The force and power of man's speech, comes

f r o m the fact that Hashem created the wor ld through His

speech. The account of creation as set out i n Torah is a

report of the wor ld being created through ten sayings.

These sayings represent a garment of G-d's Essence

through w h i c h the whole creative process took place

originally, and indeed continues to take place instant by

instant.

Using the Hebrew expressions, there are four states

i n creat ion :—

Domaim — Inert Matter

Tzomeach — Growing Things

Chai — Animals

Medaber — H u m a n i t y

CRITICISM—THE ACID THAT EATS AWAY LOVE 77

Although there are communicat ion systems i n the

lower realms, only humanity has the gift of speech. 2 3

W i t h this gift of speech comes a lower voltage power

w h i c h is a reflection of G-d's creative process. W i t h this

power man can create and destroy, communicate, bu i ld

up, or tear down. Whole civilizations have been elevated

and demeaned through the power of speech. Speech has

the ability to persuade and to degrade.

Because speech is so powerful and comes f r o m such

a high source spiritually, wonders can be achieved w i t h

speech. Equally, however, this power can be the source

of great harm. W h e n a person criticizes another, that

cr i t ic ism is a knife slashing through the soft under-belly

of the recipient's self esteem and security. W h e n this

weapon is wielded by a spouse, the damage is l iterally

almost irreparable. Just as G-d said "Let there be l ight "

and light was created by that saying, so i t is that when a

spouse criticizes the other, a negative w o u n d is created

and, at one level or another, remains forever.

Apart f r o m the obvious dangers to self esteem and

security of the person criticized, the whole process of

cr i t ic ism is explained at a very deep level i n Chassidus.

There are various aspects to this.

23. See Sefer HaMaamarim 5659, p . 39.


The first is a teaching of the Baal Shem T o v . 2 4 He

explained the great secret of Torah that when one

perceives a crit ical aspect i n one's neighbor, what he is

really observing is a defect i n himself. I n other words, the

aspect that he finds distasteful i n the other person is a

reflection, a mirror and indeed the negative aspect is the

viewer's own. Al though this proposit ion may not be

immediately accepted by readers new to the suggestion,

the reality is that a moment's thought w i l l prove its

veracity. H o w often, for example, have a married couple

been i n mixed company and one partner w i l l remark

about M r or Mrs A. and ment ion a quality w h i c h the

other simply has not noticed. According to the Baal

Shem Tov, one notices because i t is relevant to the

observer, and the other does not notice because i t is not

subjectively relevant. Frequently, i f engaged i n discussing

a t h i r d party, two people w i l l notice entirely different

aspects of that t h i r d party's personality or character.

Does this mean that one is wrong and the other right?

Certainly not. I t goes wi thout saying that both aspects

exist i n that person. One aspect, however, is picked up by

one person and another aspect by the other. The point of

this great secret of Torah is that each person picks up

that aspect that is relevant to his spiritual psyche.

24. Kesser Shem Tov, Hosafos, chs. 175-176.


W h e n a person then takes that negative observation

and forms i t into the garment of speech (see Chapter 4)

what he is actually doing is forming into reality a

negative t r u t h about himself. A person who understands

this teaching i n Chassidus should blush to criticize

another, because the more savage the cri t ic ism the more

eloquently and foolishly he is describing his own

shortcoming.

Chassidus explains a second aspect of cr i t ic ism as a

mean weapon forged f r o m yeshus (see Chapter 5).

Some people f i n d that they can give themselves a

boost by tearing down a fr iend. I n other words, a person

seeks to b u i l d himself up, at the expense of, and by

tearing down, another. Every degree of elevation is

achieved directly f r o m the pain of the other person.

Once again, a person who learns Chassidus and is

conscious of this ugly quality w i l l be embarrassed to

display i t .

A t h i r d and very deep t r u t h about negative speech is

that i t actually creates a reality out of a potential .

Chassidus explains that although the reality may exist i n

potential , i t is by verbalizing i t that i t is given physical life

and energy. 2 5 Conversely, avoiding referring to the issue

leaves i t harmlessly hanging i n potential . I was once i n

25. See Likkutei Sichos, V o l . 27 , p . 163ff.


court long ago, and another lawyer leaned over to me and

shared the wisdom that the Judge was intoxicated — as

usual. To this day I have no idea whether what he said

was true, but whenever I see this Judge I see a drunk.

A husband and wife have the precious ability to leave

each other's faults i n potential . Not verbalized, they do

not exist tangibly. Art iculated, they yap at the heels of

partnership harmony.

I n a marriage where two people share the same soul

[see Chapter 4] one party crit icizing the other is as

harmful as one person stabbing at the other w i t h

fingernails sharpened into talons. Instead of n u r t u r i n g

the exclusive and holy relationship of two bodies sharing

one soul, cr i t ic ism i n fact eats away at the confidence

and bonds of love that exist before the cri t ic ism takes

place. I f cr i t ic ism is a regular weapon i n a relationship i t

is a sure death-knell for its continuation. As explained,

speech creates and although, as further explained,

cr i t ic ism is really an ugly revelation of the criticizer

(whether as mirrored or as i l legitimately seeking personal

advantage), i t is very important that married partners

understand that no words can be taken back. A word

creates a reality, a phrase even more; a long wel l -

reasoned crit ical argument st i l l more. There is no k n o w n

antidote. The v i c t i m does not forget the words. Apologies


do not help eradicate the new creation. A mamzer has

been created and that mamzer has its independent l ife.

A l l the regret i n the wor ld w i l l not change the fact that

the mamzer now exists.

There is a positive side to understanding the dangers

and evils of cr i t ic ism.

Just as cr i t ic ism eats away and burns through the love

that partners feel for each other, so i t is that positive

speech can bui ld up and secure the relationship.

Al though flattery is forbidden as a matter of Torah, there

is plenty that each spouse can t r u t h f u l l y f i n d about the

other to appreciate and of w h i c h to speak wel l . Talents

should be continuously recognized and verbalized, as

should be all positive qualities. The effect of this is to

steadily assemble an edifice of mutua l confidence and

trust, free f r o m the dangers of the b i t ing pain of negative

cri t ic ism.

Chapter 8

Judgment

Judgment is a heavy responsibility. Being judgmental

of one's spouse is pure idiocy. W e w i l l learn together that

the awesome responsibility of judgment should be

exercised by very few, and on rare occasions. I f exercised

at all , i t needs to be weighed w i t h great seriousness.

I n Torah there are various aspects of judgment w h i c h

are markedly different to the level of acceptance of the

term i n secular society.

One of the fascinating differences lies i n the

pronouncement of the death penalty. There are certain

crimes w h i c h i n Jewish law are punishable by death.

There are various forms of death penalty, and various

offences which , i f committed after proper warning and i n

f ront of witnesses, result i n one or other f o r m of capital

punishment.

83


The death penalty can only be pronounced by a

Sanhedrin (Court) of seventy-one judges. There is a

fascinating rule i n relation to the verdict of d e a t h . 2 6

Judgment goes according to the majority. I f , therefore, a

majority of the judges f i n d that the accused is guilty, he

w i l l be pronounced guilty and penalized by death. If ,

however, the Court is unanimous i n its verdict that the

man is guilty, he is set free! This extraordinary apparent

paradox i n fact shows fathomless depth of wisdom. W h a t

we are being taught by this law is that every man, no

matter how good and no matter how bad, is going to have

mixed into his spiritual psyche some good and some evil.

T h e r e 2 7 is no such th ing as a Jew who is entirely evil.

This flows f r o m the fact that a Jew has a neshama (soul)

w h i c h is part of G-d above. I t therefore cannot be that a

Jew has no positive quality whatsoever. I f a bench of

seventy-one cannot f i n d anything whatsoever i n that

person to redeem h i m sufficiently that at least one of

their number has some doubt as to his culpability, then

there is an assumption that the Court has not done its

work properly and the accused should therefore be freed.

Another aspect of judgment w h i c h is fascinating and

different to secular law is that of the mumkin (expert). I n

26. Rambam, Laws of Sanhedrin, 9 : 1 .

27 . See Likkutei Sichos, V o l . 29 , p . 118ff.

JUDGMENT 85

secular society, a professional person who advises to

another's disadvantage, can be sued and stripped by

clever lawyers w i t h instant savagery. I n Jewish law the

situation is different. A person who is not an expert i n

the f ie ld whose advice turns out to be wrong, is liable to

his last cent. A n expert, however, whose advice turned

out to be negative, is free of responsibility. This is also a

very deep lesson i n Torah. A Jew is being reminded here

that w i t h the best w i l l i n the wor ld only G-d controls the

outcome and we cannot t h i n k for H i m . The best that

man can do is to work w i t h what is available to h i m and

to make plans w h i c h he believes are being made w i t h

wisdom. The outcome of those plans, however, are not

his domain; they are the domain of G-d. I f an expert

gives his advice and the outcome is negative, Jewish Law

recognizes that ult imately the responsibility for the

outcome is that of the Almighty. As we learn, the

outcome is really for the good.

I t therefore behooves a person to consider carefully

the responsibility that he has i n judgment . Before

forming a judgment one has to be m i n d f u l of whether or

not one is taking into consideration the other person's

good qualities and i n any event freeing that person f r o m

the responsibility of the outcome of his sincerely

intended actions for the good. These responsibilities are

so heavy that i t is simply better to avoid exercising them


wherever possible. I n no relationship is this truer than

between husband and wife . Before making a negative

judgment about one's spouse, one has to be very careful

that one has considered all the positives of that person

and since those positives are part of one's own very soul,

they should be cherished. Furthermore, i f the outcome

of an action by one's spouse is negative, so long as the

best was intended, for what more can one ask?

There is an even deeper level to the question of

judgmental behavior. Every Jewish neshama (soul) comes

down into a guf (body) i n order to make a dwell ing place

for G-d i n the lowest possible wor ld , namely this physical

wor ld . A Jew does this by learning Torah and doing

mitzvos. I n so doing he elevates the environment and his

own animal soul. The methodology of this elevation is

achieved by overcoming obstacles and challenges w h i c h

are placed i n the pathway of the soul i n the body dur ing

the travels of its l i fe . One of the deepest secrets of Torah

is that each person gets exactly the environment, both

physical and emotional, that he needs i n order to f u l f i l l

these challenges and pass through the various tests. I f ,

for example, a man needs to be tested w i t h wealth, he

w i l l be r i ch ; i f w i t h poverty, he w i l l be poor. His

strengths and weaknesses, his positives and negatives,

w i l l all be given to h i m i n an exact, br i l l iant ly mixed

cocktail w h i c h best prepares h i m for his particular

JUDGMENT 87

journey through l i fe . Indeed, all the incidents that then

happen to a person as he makes that journey, are also

structured to be blended into that cocktail . Now, since

nobody has the same mix of abilities and disadvantages,

circumstances and happenings, as oneself, i t is simply an

impossibility for one to predict how another should or

would act under a given set of circumstances. I t is for

this reason that we have the very deep in junct ion i n

Torah not to judge a person u n t i l having been i n his

posit ion. Since i t is almost impossible to be equipped i n

the same way as another, i t is almost never correct to

judge.

This powerful reality is explained by the Rebbe 2 8 i n

relation to the account of Adam fai l ing w i t h the f r u i t of

the Tree of Good and Evil i n the Garden of Eden.

The Talmud29 explains that Adam was created i n the

late morning erev Shabbos, on 1st Tishrei (the 1st day of

the f irst Jewish calendar month) . He was commanded to

refrain f r o m eating the f r u i t of the Tree of Good and Evil

i n the early afternoon. There are various descriptions of

what that f r u i t was (it certainly was not an apple)

inc luding esrog (citron) and grapes. Since all Torah is

true, we can assume that grapes were an ingredient of

28. Likkutei Sichos, V o l . 3, p . 1ff.

29 . Sanhedrin 38b.


the prohib i t ion . W e know that since Adam was created

erev Shabbos, he needed the grapes for Kiddush, and

nightfal l (at the time of 1st Tishrei) would have come i n

at around 6 p m . The prohib i t ion on Adam was therefore

only a prohib i t ion for some three h o u r s . 3 0 Now, Adam

had just been created w i t h Eve. He had access to the

greatest secrets of creation being the only human being

ever created directly by G-d wi thout the intermediary of

parents. The Midrash says that he could see f r o m one

end of the wor ld to the other, so great were his powers.

A t his disposal was the whole of Gan Eden, a revelation

of G-dliness i n nature, something so spectacular that i t

boggles the imagination and indeed escapes i t for most

people. W i t h all of this marvel at his disposal, we have to

accept that Adam could not last three hours wi thout

eating the grapes that he was going to consume anyway

for Kiddush when Shabbos began. W i t h all the wonders,

spiritual, emotional and physical at his disposal, he had

to transgress the one negative mitzvah w h i c h he had

been given and so destine humanity for inescapable

mortality. W i t h all available to h i m , he had to condemn

mankind to have to work by the sweat of his brow, for

woman to give b i r t h i n pain, before both being forced to

die i n each and every generation u n t i l the coming of

Mashiach! The Rebbe explains i n a beauti ful sicha, that a

30. C o m m e n t a r y Shach o n Torah.

JUDGMENT 89

crit ical profound lesson lies here: we cannot imagine

another person's yetzer hora (evil incl inat ion) . W e cannot

really judge because we have never been i n that posit ion.

W e look at Adam and all that was available to h i m and

are mystified at the fact that he could transgress what

appears to be so simple an in junct ion for such a short

period of t ime. The secret to understanding this

incredible mystery is to comprehend that we do not have

the yetzer hora that Adam had. W i t h o u t i t , we simply

cannot understand i t . W i t h o u t i t , we simply cannot

appreciate his problem; wi thout i t , we are bewildered and

correctly so; wi thout i t , we simply cannot judge h i m .

I f this is true for somebody unique and of the stature

of Adam, created by the breath of G-d's m o u t h as i t were,

how m u c h more so is this true of an ordinary person who

is one's husband or wife . H o w m u c h more true is this of

someone who has needs to be fu l f i l l ed , the level and

intensity of w h i c h remain a mystery to the partner

because i n the partner they are not felt at the same

concentration. L ike crit icism, judgment should be left

wherever possible outside the home and outside the

relationship and f i rmly i n G-d's domain.

Action

Chapter 9

The Mitzvos of Mikveh

One of the most fundamental differences between

married Jewish life and the conjugal relations of the

nations are the mitzvos (commands) and practices

surrounding mikveh. I n the unlikely event that anyone

reading this book does not know what a mikveh is, a

short summary of its requirements are as f o l l o w s : —

A mikveh is a pool of fresh rainwater untouched by

containers prior to its gathering, containing a fixed

91


measure of water, and by law is used for three separate

purposes:—

1 . The immersing of cooking and eating implements

and dishes

2. The conversion of non-Jews

3. The sanctification of a wife for conjugal relations

There are also other uses of mikveh by men.

Since this is a book on marriage, we w i l l concern our¬

selves only w i t h the t h i r d purpose mentioned above.

W h e n a woman finishes her menstrual cycle, there is an

obligation to wait seven days free of any bleeding before

conjugal relations can be re-commenced by husband and

wife . D u r i n g the time of menstruation and the seven

days thereafter, husband and wife separate physically. To

ensure this there are various supporting laws underpin¬

ning the certainty of part i t ion. Husband and wife do not

pass directly to each other, do not share the same bed,

sofa, and the like. They do not touch, and live fundamen¬

tally physically separated w i t h i n the same house.

There are very great spiritual forces at work i n

relation to the whole concept of mikveh, most of w h i c h

are far too esoteric for the scope of this book. Suffice i t

to say that the whole selection process of souls chosen

for bodies depends on these energies. Indeed, the very

THE MITZVOS OF MIKVEH 93

spiritual D N A of a new life and its destiny is predicated

on the observance or failure to observe the mitzvos of

mikveh (otherwise k n o w n as taharas hamishpachah —

family pur i ty ) . Stories are legion of barren women

conceiving after the Rebbe's advice was fol lowed i n

relation to mikveh; stories too of sick children becoming

well , and women's needs for surgical procedures being

reversed by changes i n practice and observance of

taharas hamishpachah.

Some idea of the importance of these mitzvos

(commands), is evidenced by The Previous Lubavitcher

Rebbe's words as translated i n the English version of

HaYom Yom on the entry for Nissan 10:

" O n the subject of the campaign to popularize the

observance of taharas hamishpachah i n your

community, ponder this deeply; let us imagine

that G-d were to give you the opportunity to save

the Jewish community f r o m extinction (G-d

forbid) , you would certainly be w i l l i n g to risk your

life for this and you would thank and praise H i m

for His great kindness i n offering you an

opportunity of such enormous merit . The same

then holds true to an even greater degree w i t h

regard to the campaign for taharas hamishpachah;

i t is an endeavor w h i c h literally saves lives."


Now, there are three kinds of mitzvahs:

Firstly, those that exist to regulate behavior w h i c h

people would adopt as a matter of logic, such as not

k i l l ing or stealing;

Secondly, those that have to do w i t h the cycles of

Jewish l i fe : the six days of work followed by Shabbos, the

new months, the religious festivals; all of w h i c h shine

and renew cyclic lights of spirituality;

Thirdly , those laws k n o w n as chukim (decrees).

These are laws w h i c h have no discernable logical reason

and are kept out of obedience. Examples of these are the

laws of kashrus and laws of not mixing certain fabrics.

The laws relating to taharas hamishpachah and

mikveh all fa l l into the category of chukim (decrees). 3 1

Although there is no logic i n the reason for the mitzvahs

relating to mikveh, certain obvious effects can be readily

observed. 3 2 Some are positive and are mentioned here for

completeness. Some are negative and we w i l l explore

them together.

A great positive exists i n relation to conjugal

relations. Since a husband and wife are forced to be

separated for at least 12 days a month , the couple

3 1 . Rambam, Laws of Mikvaos, 11:12.

32. See Rambam, Laws of Temurah 4 :13 .


experiences a vir tual honeymoon every time the wife

returns f r o m the mikveh. I t is anecdotally wel l k n o w n

that couples who keep mikveh report a new zest i n their

relationship. This is so true that after pregnancy (during

w h i c h the niddah cycle is interrupted) couples report to

Rabbis that they eagerly anticipated the re turn to the

separation periods and the monthly "honeymoon" w h i c h

the niddah laws provide.

Equally there is the danger of negative behavioral

effects. One of the aspects of the niddah laws w h i c h is

not clear to everybody is the extreme emotional

sensitivity of the wife dur ing the period of separation.

Because of ignorance, for many women there is a

potential to feel degraded dur ing her period of

unavailability. I t is an easy mistake to make a connection

between the fact that one is forbidden and the fact that

one is i n some way unworthy dur ing this period of t ime.

N o t h i n g can be further f r o m the t r u t h . The process of

the niddah laws have to do w i t h observing very deep

spiritual concepts evolving f r o m the cycle of life and

death, and concepts of spiritual pur i ty w h i c h are not

understandable i n modern society where no practical

application for these laws exist. I t is, however, all too

common for women treated poorly by their husbands

dur ing this period of t ime, to make the assumption that

either they are unworthy or that the husband is


abandoning her needs at this t ime. Since physical

contact is forbidden the reassurance of a hug and a

cuddle is obviously unavailable. A husband needs to be

particularly careful dur ing this t ime that he does not

contribute to any feelings of inadequacy or infer iori ty

that a woman may mistakenly invent about the process of

the niddah laws.

I quote the reader an example that was reported to

me. Two couples walking home on an evening were

caught i n sudden ra in . The wife of one couple, no doubt

crowned w i t h some newly coiffured hairstyle for her

sheitel, asked her husband for his raincoat. These are the

moments i n life w h i c h all husbands should cherish. Here

is an instant where the Clark Kent costume of daily life

can be t o r n away, revealing Super Husband. W i t h a

swirl ing t w i r l of the raincoat, gallantry is shouted to the

wor ld and, more importantly, to the wife . Sadly, on this

occasion, this was impossible, as the husband was clearly

i n di f f icul ty passing the coat to his wife . His solution to

the niddah laws was to drop his coat to the wet ground

and walk on, forcing his poor shamed wife to grovel i n

the puddles for the protect ion f r o m the rain.

This behavior is inexcusable. The husband could f i n d

many ways to protect his wife w i t h o u t shaming her — for

example, by asking the other husband to pass the coat to


her. For those wi thout the common sense to understand

i t , i t violates all of the perspectives set out at the

beginning of this book. More importantly, this f o r m of

deed threatens the benefits and beauties of the mitzvah.

I t is crit ical that married partners take time to learn

i n advance how to deal w i t h common situations where,

obviously w i t h o u t i n anyway compromising the laws

pertaining to niddah, the encouraging supportive

behavior that can be expected f r o m the other part of one

soul can be realized i n charm and simcha.

O n the positive side there is m u c h partners can do to

enrich their relationship dur ing the niddah period. M a n

and wife can become friends, at a level distinct f r o m

lovers. W i t h physical contact unavailable they have an

opportunity to relate at other levels of friendship and

caring sometimes lost i n the dynamics of male/female

interaction, and can develop opportunities to spoil each

other w i t h non-romantic but bonding friendship-

improving activities.

W h e n ult imately the time of separation concludes,

the many legal requirements of preparation for mikveh

w i l l then be undertaken w i t h zeal and anticipation.

Chapter 10

Tzitntzutn

I t is one of the great secrets of Torah that the Torah

itself is a blueprint for the creation and maintenance of

the wor ld . This means that when a set of circumstances

are described i n the Torah, that set of circumstances,

apart f r o m its physical t r u t h , has many levels (indeed

inf in i te levels), w h i c h apply to all aspects of physical life

and then spiritual l ife.

Let us look for example at the description of the crea¬

tive process at the beginning of Bereishis. The Torah

describes that " i t was evening, i t was morning, one day".

W h e n one considers this phrase i t becomes obvious that

darkness preceded light. Once this is realized the next step

is understanding that a rule of life is being formulated.

A constant of life is that darkness precedes l ight. I n

other words, a statement i n Torah w h i c h is true, is true

at every one of its inf in i te levels and can be used as a grid

99


for understanding all reality i n general and physical

reality i n particular. W e have learned elsewhere, that

every descent is for the purpose of ascent. This rule is a

predicate of the observation that darkness precedes l ight.

From this grid we can learn that all our endeavors, no

matter how hidden this may be at the t ime, have the

capacity of being converted f r o m an apparent negative to

an obvious positive. The growth and fu l f i l lment comes

f r o m , and is a result of, the introduct ion of l ight into

darkness, the conversion of "n ight" into "day".

So i t is w i t h another very deep and di f f i cu l t concept

i n Chassidus33 w h i c h describes the very deep mystical

pr incipal of tzimtzum. I n order to understand this we

need to appreciate that "pr ior" to creation there "existed"

simply G-dliness. I n the blaze of this revealed G-dliness

there could be no other apparent existence. A moment's

reflection w i l l prove this. I f one could magically thrust a

l ighted candle into the sun, the l ight on that candle

would have no separate existence whatsoever i n the

furnace of the sun. I n order to give the flame on top of

the candle any chance of being perceived as separate to

the sun's furnace, there has to be a separation made

between the sun and the candle flame. I n practice, w i t h

the example of the sun, that separation at a physical level

33. See Likkutei Torah, Vayikra, p . 51a f f .

TZIMTZUM 101

is made by the 92,000,000 odd miles that the sun is

distant f r o m earth, the atmosphere surrounding the

sphere of the earth and so on.

Just as this is true at a physical level, so i t is at the

spiritual level. A t the spiritual level nothing whatever

could exist i n the blaze of revealed G-dliness. G-d

therefore, as i t were, contracted Himself , so "removing"

the blaze of revealed G-dliness to the extent that there

could be the possibility and the actualization of a

perceived, separate reality. I n other words, by

"contracting" Himself , G-d left a "space" vacant of

revealed G-dliness, thus al lowing i n that "space" the

concept of something existing by itself. This process is

described i n Kabbalah and Chassidus at length.

Now, what has this to do w i t h marriage? As we have

learned, whenever a life principle is needed, we look to

the blueprint to f i n d i t . W e look to the Torah and can

generalize f r o m its fundamentals, guidelines to all l i fe .

N o w that we understand the two principles of

tzimtzum, and darkness preceding light, we can apply

them across the vast spectrum of daily l ife. I n this way a

principle is deduced:

I n order for there to be a revelation i n a recipient

there needs to be a concealment i n the party of

influence. I n order for darkness to give way to l ight i n


the recipient there must be a tzimtzum contraction i n the

party of influence.

This is a huge and vital principle . The most common

example used i n Chassidus34 is that of rav and talmid.

The example works like this: suppose a group of lawyers

are r u n n i n g a case involving complicated mathematical

issues and i n order that they can better understand the

issues a professor of Q u a n t u m Mechanics is asked to

address them on number and particle theory. Let us

suppose that this professor of Q u a n t u m Mechanics is a

leader of his f ie ld . Clearly, i f he begins to address the

group of lawyers i n the language of his professional

expertise, they w i l l not have the faintest not ion of what

he is discussing. The only chance that this professor w i l l

have of revealing i n his listeners any idea whatsoever of

the subject matter of his profession, is for h i m to

contract the informat ion and summarize i t . He needs to

"conceal his knowledge" so that i t w i l l be compressed to

a level that the recipients w i l l be able to receive. The

more he contracts his knowledge the better chance there

is that the lawyers w i l l know what he is talking about.

The less he contracts the knowledge and the more he

fu l ly presents raw expertise, the less they w i l l

understand.

34. Sefer HaMaamarim 5656, p . 250f f .

TZIMTZUM 103

The principle becomes immediately obvious; i n order

for there to be a revelation i n the recipient there must be

a contraction or concealment i n the person giving i t over.

O f course, once the informat ion has been received by the

recipient he may be ready to receive i t i n a less

contracted f o r m next t ime and then again and again u n t i l

he builds up steadily a level of understanding. Ult imately

he may th ink independently and even surpass the

knowledge of his teacher.

So now to marriage. I f say a husband insists on taking

all the space i n the marriage there w i l l be no room for

growth and welfare i n the wife. I f conversely there is a

blaze of revealed existence f r o m the wife and that blaze is

so strong that i t leaves no room for the husband, the

result w i l l not be any created or sustained understanding

or positive feeling. The only way that there can be an

acceptance of, and a growth reception i n , the other

partner, is i f the one learns to contract his or her existence

to make room for the other. The more the contraction, the

more the chance of acceptance and revelation and growth.

The more the tzimtzum of the self, the more the capacity

for existence for the other, and therefore the uni t . I t is

remarkable how true this is at various levels, whether

physical, i n respecting private space i n the house, car or

workplace, or emotional i n respecting needs. Being

overbearing i n one's insistence that a spouse should


behave i n a certain way, or meet needs i n a certain way, or

follow orders i n a certain way, are all methodologies of

demanding emotional space to occupy, rather than

contracting f r o m i t and leaving room.

I n the chapter on yeshus we have learned together

that yeshus is a personal nemesis. I t is also however the

primary problem i n a marriage presenting for one's

partner making room by contraction. Those marriages

that f u n c t i o n i n a mutual ly respectful manner are ones

where yeshus either does not exist (rare) or has been

shrunken to accommodate the needs of the partner

(more common) . This deep secret of Torah is a great

secret of happiness i n marriage. Yeshus is shrunk, as

explained elsewhere, by contraction to bittul. The effect

of this is an enhanced regard for other people.

People tend to forget that "other people" needs to

include one's spouse. Regard for one's spouse is as

important i f not more so than regard for "other people".

H u m i l i t y and contraction of yeshus i n dealing w i t h the

"other people" spouse leaves room for the spouse to

become an independent person and a contr ibut ing

donating loving force i n the marriage. Tzimtzum affords

existence — here the very existence of the loved one.

Chapter 11

Ahavas Yisroel — But We Are Married

Probably the most d i f f i cu l t mitzvah i n the Torah for

most people is the mitzvah of Ahavas Yisroel. The mitzvah

of Ahavas Yisroel requires one to love his fellow Jew like

himself. Indeed the mitzvah is made more di f f i cul t

because i t applies to one's fellow Jew who is his

neighbor. Many people are able to manufacture love for

some stranger i n Israel or America or Australia. The real

challenge is to love your neighbor who may be i r r i ta t ing

and aggravating while pursuing different vested interests.

W e learn that loving one's fel low Jew is even more

important than loving G-d. W e learn that by loving one's

fel low Jew, one i n fact arrives at a love of G - d . 3 5

So this mitzvah is not only one of great diff iculty but

also of crucial magnitude. I t is the mitzvah par excellence

35. HaYom Yom, entry 28 Nissan.

105


of the Torah. The Talmud tells us that R. Hi l l e l answered

a stranger not to do to another person that which he

would not want done to himself, and he further instructed

h i m this was the whole Torah and he should go f r o m this

advice and learn. Correspondingly the absence of Ahavas

Yisroel and its opposite, Sinas Chinom (causeless hatred)

was the reason for the destruction of the second Beis

HaMikdash (Temple), causing the enduring golus (exile)

which has lasted almost two thousand years.

So the importance of the mitzvah is obvious. M u c h

more di f f icul t , is the ability to perform the mitzvah.

Clearly the mitzvah becomes straightforward when one is

placed w i t h those one likes. I t is easy to go beyond

ordinary levels of fr iendly inter-relations and develop a

level of love for a person of w h o m one is fond. M u c h

more d i f f i cu l t is to develop l iking, let alone love, for

someone who is causing one di f f icul ty .

Chassidus has two very deep approaches available to

one serious about developing the ability to perform the

mitzvah of ahavas Yisroel.

The Alter Rebbe i n Tanya36 explains that the absence

of love comes f r o m a focus on the physical. I n other

words, one's neighbor, as he exists i n his physical body

performing physical (and interfering) tasks, may attract

36. C h . 32.

AHAVAS YISROEL — BUT WE ARE MARRIED 107

dislike. I f instead one could be trained to focus on his

soul, the outcome would be entirely different. I f the

focus was soul-to-soul, there would be a recognition of

brotherhood, a recognition of ult imate uni ty and a

feeling that the other person is really part of oneself.

The extraordinary wisdom of this perspective has lately

become clear w i t h technology providing an example i n

computer chat-rooms. Every reader w i l l have been

confronted w i t h unexpected examples of people falling i n

love, even leaving their spouse and children, because of

partners found on the internet w h o m they have never seen,

let alone met. So strong a passion is buil t f rom computer

screen to computer screen, that often even without the aid

of pictures, parties fall passionately i n love, ready to

surrender existing security i n exchange for dangerous risk.

This is amazing proof of the concept of how, when spirit

talks to spirit, unfettered by any physical manifestations of

that spirit by way of body or bodily behavior, deep love can

be achieved. Often, confronted w i t h the physical presence

of the person, attraction wanes.

According to the Alter Rebbe therefore, i f one can

tra in oneself to see the soul of his neighbor, rather than

his body and behavior, he w i l l come to love h i m .

This, as suggested at the beginning of the chapter, is

an extraordinarily high and di f f i cu l t level to achieve. Like


everything i n Tanya however, achievement is only a

f u n c t i o n of sincere effort.

A second prescription to solving the problem of

performing the mitzvah of ahavas Yisroel w i t h a person

perceived negatively, lies i n the explanation given by

Chassidus i n relation to space. The Rebbe Rashab i n the

famous maamar Heichaltzu explains i n great detail that

causeless hatred is evoked by another taking one's space.

I n other words, according to the Rebbe Rashab, a person

who robs us of our space, whether physical or emotional,

infringes on our yeshus.

The result is hatred of the space-thief. Reasons come

afterwards. Picture a man arriving late, then sitt ing next

to you at a l u n c h and immediately taking over the entire

conversation, eating noisily w i t h his hands and feet,

ult imately gorging himself not only w i t h his food and

drink, but w i t h yours as wel l . Imagine this man

dominating and bul lying the table, refusing you room to

speak or indeed eat or drink. Hatred of this person is

automatic. Reasons w i l l be accorded separately and later.

He is too fat, too gregarious, too t h i n , too tal l , too loud,

too uncouth etc.

Fascinatingly, people mistakenly believe the reasons

they accord to the v i c t i m of their hatred. I n reality, what


is being hated is the fact that we are being robbed of our

r i g h t f u l space and we hate the space-thief.

A n amazing example of this is also found i n modern

life, i n the example of the newly identi f ied problem of

Road Rage. Apparently normal people can be brought to

violence, and even murder, over the most tr ivial

jockeying for space on the road. There have been cases

where grievous bodily harm is done to a person who has

had the chutzpah to cut off another person on the road

(albeit unwit t ingly) or unthinkingly accessing his parking

spot. This is a physical manifestation, at its most simple

level, of the very deep concept explained by the Rebbe

Rashab. W e all need a certain amount of space and w i l l

insist on i t being available, fa i l ing w h i c h we w i l l hate the

person who takes i t away or threatens to do so. I t is

interesting to note that the amount of space required by

a person depends on his level of yeshus (see Chapter 5) .

The more yeshus, the more space is required. There are

some people who are humble and who require almost no

space. A t the other extreme people w i t h raging yeshus

require all of the space. The only true fr iend such a

person can ever have is somebody who is content to

abdicate all their needs and allow the person engorged by

his yeshus to dominate them totally.


Both of these issues apply i n marriage even more than

anywhere else. The in junct ion to love one's fellow Jew and

one's neighbor cannot apply more specifically than to

one's spouse. One's spouse fulfi ls both of these qualifica¬

tions and indeed i f we accept the principle that i t is harder

to love somebody close than a total stranger, the mitzvah

of ahavas yisroel becomes very important i n areas where

there is tension between man and wife. As mentioned

above, i t is easy to love someone one likes, and obviously

one's spouse fulfi ls this criteria, but there are equally ob¬

viously aspects about a spouse which one may come, f r o m

time to time, not to like. The teachings of the Rebbe i n

this area are clear. The methodology is the same as w i t h

any other Jew. One must focus soul-to-soul and one must

demand less space. Because both of these exercises are

dif f icul t they need to be practiced i n terms of perspective.

There is another and very beautiful aspect to this

issue of ahavas Yisroel. I f you are to love your fellow Jew

and i f you know that he has the mitzvah of loving you, i t

becomes clear that your duty to that fel low Jew lies i n

making i t easier for h i m to perform the mitzvah of ahavas

Yisroel to you! I n other words, i t is incumbent upon a

person, to be as nice as possible to his neighbor so as to

make i t as easy as possible for his neighbor to like h i m .


There is an extraordinary letter f r o m the Rebbe to a

young gir l who wrote seeking a berochah (blessing) to

change seminaries because the girls i n her present

seminary were even meaner to her than the ones i n the

previous one. The Rebbe does not give the gir l a

berochah to change seminaries. Instead the Rebbe

instructed her to perform an act of niceness to each gir l

at nominated intervals. He required the g ir l to report to

h i m at regular intervals what she had done and to w h o m .

There is a very powerful message i n this letter; the

Rebbe was tel l ing this gir l that the girls i n the seminary

were being mean to her, not because they were bad, but

because she herself was so self-involved as to not be

interested enough i n them. Here lies a simple law of

popularity. Sincere interest i n another produces a

positive response i n re turn . I n Tanya this is described as

the reflection of the face i n the water.

No where is this truer than i n the relationship

between husband and wife . A husband or wife who speak

kindly to one another w i t h w a r m t h and affection and

positive encouragement w i l l automatically engender a

similar response. Conversely, lapsing into self-

involvement, wi thout due regard for the welfare of the

spouse, w i l l surely generate a similar response.


Finally, i n relation to ahavas Yisroel being applicable

to a spouse quality t ime is important .

Most married couples have an ongoing interchange on

the normal problems of everyday life. Indeed most

marriages, when they strike problems, do so i n predictable

areas. These are well known to any married reader and

usually centre around money, fidelity, children and their

development, mutual attention giving.

Spending time together obviously involves solving the

problems and challenges that face a couple as they make

their way through the tests of daily existence. W h a t is

often overlooked however, is the need for partners to

spend quality t ime together. This quality t ime needs to

be regulated and fixed i n the same way as an observant

Jew fixes t ime for Torah study. I t is a wel l -known piece of

anecdotal observation that the Rebbe set aside a given

period of t ime every day to take tea w i t h the Rebbetzin,

giving her t ime and therefore nourishment.

I t remains therefore to be understood what makes up

quality time. I t is important to set aside time to discuss

issues w h i c h are outside the daily challenges. Typically, i t

would be healthy for a husband and wife to refresh them¬

selves on the perspectives at the beginning of this book; i t

would be helpful for the husband to remember to try and

amuse his wife i n the way that he did when they were


strangers. I t would be helpful for the wife to demonstrate

tangibly the areas where she admired her husband as she

did when they were strangers. Laughter is important.

Depth of content i n the inter-relationship and conversa¬

tion is important. However, since the parties are no longer

strangers and i n reality one's visions have changed, most

important of all is the fixing of specific times when this

interchange can take place, otherwise partners become

lost to each other i n the sea of daily routines.

The quality t ime that needs to be spent together, even

i f i t is only twenty minutes a day, is cumulative, and

allows the realization of a bond beyond simply being

parents, or simply being business managers, or simply

being organizers of countless physical chores. The

husband and wife owe i t to each other to f i n d the t ime to

express real thought and real feeling about each other

and to one another thus re-bonding the two parts of the

soul explained i n Chapter 2.

Ahavas Yisroel then applies to married partners as

m u c h as other Jews. Soul-to-soul and w i t h lessening

demands for space, married partners can consistently

achieve positive responses f r o m each other by repeated

displays of interest i n each other.

Epilogue

Imagine that you have been married for 30-40-50

years. You come home to f i n d a note pinned to your

pi l low. The note says:

Dear Abe,

Sometimes a few wr i t ten words are

necessary to overcome the everyday routine

of l ife.

I just want to let you know how m u c h I

thank you for the wonderful life that we

have had together. A l l the problems,

challenges, and joys have been a

magnificent and satisfying adventure.

Thank you for all of i t . Thank you for being

my lover, best f r iend and family.

I wouldn' t have missed a minute for

anything.

I have loved you always.

Sari

115


Or the fo l lowing letter:

Dear Sari,

Sometimes a few wr i t ten words are

necessary to overcome the everyday routine

of l ife.

I just want to let you know how m u c h I

thank you for the wonderful life that we

have had together. A l l the problems,

challenges, and joys have been a

magnificent and satisfying adventure.

Thank you for all of i t . Thank you for being

my lover, best f r iend and family.

I wouldn' t have missed a minute for

anything.

I have loved you always.

Abe

Standing under the chuppah 30-40-50 years before,

would this not be the letter you wanted to receive some

day i f you could have imagined it? W h a t i f i n advance

you knew that providing your spouse, the other part of

your soul, w i t h the physical, emotional and spiritual

nourishment necessary, you would come one day to

receive a letter like this? W o u l d you not have done

everything i n your power to do so?

EPILOGUE 117

There is a simple reality w h i c h needs to be part of the

f inal perspective of this book for reader and author. This

letter is achievable by all of us. I t is a f u n c t i o n of effort

and focus. The book is a suggestion that that effort and

focus commence immediately.

The reader has not come this far wi thout noticing

that both letters are exactly the same.

Secrets of the Jewish Mariage

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