ROGER'S FABULOUS VOYAGES, PART 3, RE-POSTED.

7/31/2019 ROGER'S FABULOUS VOYAGES, PART 3, RE-POSTED.

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PARTTHREE:KLYZEMADEX

ONE

Thenextmorning,havingsuccessfullyleftUhurulandsatmosphere,Rogerwasloungingonthebridgecouch,staringattheplanetontherearobservationscreen.WellIcertainlyhadsomeadventuresdownthere!heremar ed.Theyalmostexecutedme!AndthecharactersImetHubCap,Clarence,ScabbySue,hemused,smilingatthelastone.ThentherewasBigLucas,DigbyQuibble,ohandIsmo edsomestuffcalledganjaIsay,areyoulisteningtome?BoyPaddywassilentforafewmoments.Angus!heannouncedeventually.IdecidedinyourabsencethatIwanttobecalledAngusfromnowon!Rogergrinned.Angus?Isntthat indof--Scottish-y!Ahyes,theformersmallcountryofScotland.Thatscorrect.Ithin IhaveScottishbloodinmycircuits.Loudbagpipemusicfloodedthebridge.Angusstartedhummingalongwithit.

Ohturnthatdown!snappedRoger,coveringhisears.Thebagpipemusicstopped.Rogeruncoveredhisears.Yes,Iwanttobe nownasAngusinhonourofmyScottishroots.AndIthin youshouldweara ilttoshowyoursupport.Rogersniggered.A ilt!Thatllbepuc ingright!Language!Language!Anyway,saidRoger,IthoughtyoualreadyhadanameBoyPaddy?Wellitstimeforachange.Iwanttobe nownasAngusfromnowon.Rogersighed.O ay.Itsyourchoice.Than you.Sowherewouldyouli eustogonow,Angus?Rogerfrowned.Holdon,didyoujustcallmeAngus?Idid.ButmynamesRoger.

ImrenamingeverythingAngus.Inhonourofmyself.Ohdontbesostupid!Rogerranted.Ooohhh!AlittletempertantrumfromAngus!StopcallingmeAngus!StopcallingmeAngus!StopcallingmeAngus!Angusmoc ed,laughingderisively.Rogerdecidedtoignorehim.Hepretendedanall-consuminginterestintheviewofSpaceontheforwardobservationscreen.Sowheretonow,Angus?as edAngus.Justthin -theAngusisyouroyster.ResumecouseforNewEarth,Rogerinstructed.Certainly.NewAngusitis,saidAngus,alteringcourse.Rogerfrowned.IwonderwherealltheothergroupswentwhentheyleftEarth?hemusedthenbrightened.Maybewellpic upmessagesfromsomeofthemonourway

.Anguslaughedscornfully.Messages!?Dontbesilly.EverybodysscatteredalloverthefarreachesoftheAngus.Howaretheygoingtocontactyouamessageinabottle!?Justthensomethingclun edgentlyagainsttheShip.Rogerjumpedup.Probablyameteorfragment,advisedAngus.Dontpanic.Imnot,repliedRoger.Imgoingtoseewhatitis.HeleftthebridgeandstrolleddowntotheDoc ingBay.Soonafterhereturned,carryingsomething.Itwasamessageinabottle,hesaidcasually,tossingthebottleontothebr


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idgecouch.Angusremainedsilent.Rogergrinnedintriumphathimthenreadthemessage.Ifyourgrammarisgood.Ifyoudontendyoursentenceswithprepositions.Ifyoudontsplityourinfinitives.Ifyouwantafreshstart.CometoKlyzemadex,hesaid.Klyzemadexeverhearofit?Angusconsultedhisdataban s.TheplanetAngus,hebegan.IsthatAngusKlyzemadex?Yes.Asmallishplanetalongwayfromhere.Capableofsupportinghumanandalienlifeiftheirgrammariso ay.Settingforsomeprettysurrealisticadventures.Rogerconsideredthis.IsitonthewaytoNewEarth?heas ed.Yes.Hmmm,listentothis,saidAngus.Itseemstherearesomeprettystrangepeopleontheplanet.Inwhatway?as edRoger.Four-armedaliens,peoplewhousedtoliveintheformercountryofGermanywhohavere-createdthe1940sandpeoplewhousedtoliveintheformercountryofEnglandwholiveli eminersinthe1950s.Verystrange,admittedRoger.Yes,theGermansallactli eNazisandtheEnglishareallminers.What,realminers?Undergroundminers?Yes,wellthatswhatthewordminingimplies.Rogerflushed.Anywayitseemstherearesuppliesofthatoldfashionedfossilfuelcalledc

oalontheplanetandtheyreminingthestuff.Ohandgetthis.WhentheywereonEarth,theEnglishlivedinavillagetheyre-createdasifitwasthe50s,partiallycutofffromtherestoftheworld.Wellwereceivedamessagefromthemsowemayaswellpopalongandseewhatitsli e.Angussighed.TheplanetAngusKlyzemadexitisthen!heannouncedandtheShipgatheredspeedandtheyheadedoffintotheAngus.

MeanwhileontheplanetEarth

ThegiganticBlac Cloudofanti-matterenteredEarthsatmospherecausingabrilliantfirewor sdisplayasitheadeddowntotheplanet.

FromtheshamblesoftheControlRoominLaterAlbania,Normanspottedthedisplayandstrolledoutside.Didyouseethat?heas edhisinvisiblefriend.Suredid,hisfriendreplied.You nowwhatitis,dontyou?Normanas ed.What?Aliens!Itsbastardaliens!Theyretryingtoland!Aliens!?Howdowestopthem?Normangrinned.Relax,hesaid.Theycantsetfoothere.Whynot?TheywonthavetheproperVisas!Normanrepliedsmugly.Youreright!agreedhisfriend.CourseImright,Normansaidpompously.ThatswhyIminchargeofLaterAlban

Astheywatched,theBlac Cloudrolleddownrelentlessly.Earthsbeautifulblues ygraduallydar enedasitdescended.Normanbuttonedhiscardigan,sethisspecsstraightandpulledhispaunchybodytoattention.Handsclaspedbehindhisbac ,hestrolledforward.TheBlac Cloudrolleddown.Noblues ywasleft.Therewascompletedar nessexceptforthelightsfromtheControlRoom.Right,thatsfarenough!Normanannouncedtothealienhordes,puttingahandup.ThisisLaterAlbania.YoucantlandhereunlessyouvegotproperVis--Theanti-mattertouchedEarthandtheplanetblew.Earth,LaterAlbania,GreaterAlbania,Normanandhisinvisiblefrienddissolvedinagiganticreddishor


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angeglowthatcouldbeseeninthefarthestreachesofSpaceorthefarthestreachesoftheAngus.

MeanwhileonUhuruland

BigLucasgruntedafewtimes,ejaculatedandrolledsidewaysoffthesistafromtheChoir.Notbeingagentlemanofthebedroom,orinthiscase,theundergrowth,BigLucashadneglectedtota ehisweightonhiselbowsanditcameasablessedrelieftothesistawhenhisportlyframebeganeasingitselfstarboard.Despitehisweight,thesistahadenjoyedbeingpoundedbythegreatmanandshehadopenedhereyesinecstasyasshereachedherpleasureplateau.Justbychance,shewasanamateurastronomersoshewasabletoidentifythesmalldistantblobinthenights ythatwasEarthandshehadseenitblowupasBigLucasblewoff.BigLucaslaybac onthegrassinthesteamynight.DidtheEartmovefoyou,honey?heas ed.Move!?repliedthesista.Hell,itexploded!!BigLucasthrewbac hislargeheadandlaughedlargelyandhisrichdeeplaughterboomedoutacrosstheUhurulandnight.

MeanwhileintheAfterlife

Hey,BigG,saidDerwenttheSordid,oneofyourplanetsisexplodin!BigGstrolledovertoDerwentsthreedimensionalmulti-Universewallscreendisplayandloo edatUniverse1.YeahitsEarth,hesaid.Iplannedit.Plannedit?ThoughtyouhadasoftspotforEarth?Usedtohave,BigGadmitted.Youmeanyoudontli ethosethingsweinventedcalledpeopleanymore?Gotfedupwiththem.Allthosewars.Thegreed.Thestarving.Thedifferentreligions.Thestupidbastards.YoushouldhaveletmebringthemtomyUniverse.Hey,Idonthatethemthatmuch.Ijustdecidedtomovethemon.Seeifitllsha ethemup.Ma ethemchangetheirways.Howdidyoudoit?

Anti-matter.Bigfuc -offcloudoffthestuff.OhthatremindsmeIllhavetocancelit.BigGclosedhiseyesandconcentratedandonthewallscreen,theBlac Cloudvanished.Hechec editwasgone.DontwantitwipingoutmyentireUniverse!hesaid.SoIseeyourmobhavealldispersedtodifferentplanetsthen?Yeah.Illgivethemanotherthousandyears.Iftheydontimproveafterthatthenitsdefinitelywipe-outtime!Youretoosoft.Notreally.Imightwipethemanyway.IveinventedanewformoflifecalledaZanobe.Ohyeah?Whatsthat?Loo sli eahumanbuthasnointerestinsex,moneyorwar.IseesoyouregointohaveaUniversefullofincontinentfuc ingeriatricsthe

n!!Derwentsaidandlaughedderisively.Soundswonderful.

Meanwhilebac onthegoodshipAngus

Ah,theressomethingyoushouldsee,announcedAngus.Illputitontheforwarbservationscreen.Theviewonthescreen,theusualblue-blac starryspaceview,changedtoaviewofadistantsmallblue-greenball.Onlyitdidntremainblue-greenforlong.AsRogersatuponthebridgecouchandwatched,Earthbeganexploding.Andw


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hatanexplosion.Althoughfarinthedistance,hecouldseethehugeyellow-red-orangefireballlightingupthesurroundingblac nessofSpace.Itwasalloverinunderaminute.Whentheglowdied,sohadEarth.Rogerstaredatthescreen.Hishomeplanetwasgone.Theplanethed nownfor36summersand35winterswasgone.Hedmissedonewinterwhenhedbeentiredandemotionalandhidingundertheduvet.Imhomeless,Rogersaiddisconsolately.AhomelesswandererinSpace.Hecouldelatearcomingtohiseye,alumpcomingtohisthroat,anachecomingtohisbreast,atwingecomingtohisright neebutthatwasanoldinjuryandheignoredit.Earthsgone,hemuttered,standingupandpacingroundthebridge.Howterrblysadtothin thatafterlivingforseveralbillionyears,Earthhasnowdied.Allalone.Inthedar ness.Withno-onetoholditsitsitsverysaid,dontyouthin ?Right,thatsenoughofthatcrap!announcedAngus.WerenearingtheplanetKlymadex.Landinginonehour.Goandhaveashower.O ay,mutteredthedisconsolateoneandslouchedoffthebridge.

Sotrytoremember,lecturedAngus.Yourgrammarmustbegoodatalltimes.Yes,yes!snappedRoger,sittingdownonthebridgecouch.Right,aquic summingupofwhatwevecovered.Whydontyouendsentenceswithprepositions?Becauseitsbadgrammar.Good.Whatarethedefiniteandindefinitearticles?

Definitearticlethe.Indefinitearticlesaandan.Correct.Whatgrammaticalmista eamIma inginthissentence?...Ibegantoslowlywal downtheroad.Rogersniggered.Youcantwal anywhere!Angussighed.DoyouwanttoburnupwhenweenterKlyzemadexsatmospherewhenIma eadeliberateentrymista e?No,no.Er,themista einthesentence,ahyes,youusedasplitinfinitiveitshouldbeIbegantowal slowlydowntheroad.Good.Verygood.Approachingentryangle.Strapin!Toolate!Rogerwasslammedbac intotheBridgecouchastheyenteredKlyzemadexsatmosphere.Fiveminuteslatertherewasagentlebumpandtheytoucheddown.Rogergotupandloo edattheobservationscreen.Itseemedquitepleasantoutthereastheviewpannedroundgreenfields,forests,aniceriver,blues i

es,sunshine.Juststayawayfromthatbitofjungleovertheretotheleft,warnedAngus.Rogerglancedatitandsnorted.Jungle!Ha!Youdontthin Idbestupidenoughtogowanderingintothat,doyou!?Angusremainedsilent.Right,seeyoulater,saidRoger.HewaswearingacleanFleetPilotsdar blueoutfitandhepreenedhimselfintheBridgemirrorthenstrolleddowntotheExitBay.

TWO

Onehourlater,Rogerwaslost.DespiteAngusswarninghedseensomethingthat

interestedhiminthejungleandhadwanderedinforacloserloo .Afterstudyinganextremelyprettyflowerandhavingaloo round,thingsdidntseemsobadandconfidentthathecouldfindhiswayout,hedstrolledaroundawhile,loo ingatunusualplantsandtrees.Amista e.Abigmista e.Whenhedseenenoughandhaddecidedtoma ehiswayoutofthejungle,thingsstartedtogetabitnaughty.Forawhilehetriedtoretracehisstepsbuteverytimehethoughtherecognisedalandmar itturnedouttobesomethingdifferent.Now,li eafartinadivingsuit,hewastrapped.Everywhereheloo edtherewasnothingbutjungle.Hefeltitsclammyoppressivenessclosinginonhim.Strangehowlinganimalsoundsassailedhisears,add


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ingtohispanic.Horribleunimaginablethingsslitheredaboutintheundergrowth.Hecouldfeelmalevolenteyeswatchinghim,justwaitingforhimtofalter.Hestumbledon,heedlessofthebranchesscratchingathisFleetPilotsoutfit.He eptsteppingintothingsonthejunglefloor.Squishysquelchythingsthatscreechedwhenhesteppedonthem,spurtingupgreenandyellowgoo.Hestoppedtocatchhisbreathandleanedagainstatree.Ashewasmoppinghisface,heheardtwigssnappinginthebushesbehindhim.Terrified,heheldhisbreathandlistened.Moresnappingtwigsandrustling,thistimenearer.Somethingwashuntinghim.Wild-eyedandpanting,heturnedandstumbledonthroughthedensefoliage.Therewasanotherscreechandgreenandyellowgoofountainedintotheair.Sorry,hemumbled,scramblingon.Hecametoaclearingandhalted.Therustlingsoundsfollowedhim.Heturnedandloo edandthelowhangingbranchesclosetohimstartedmoving.Rogerscreamedthenturnedanddartedintotheclearingonlytotripoveraweed-coveredlogandsprawlheadlongontothegrass.Whatevercreaturewasstal inghimreachedtheclearingandhecouldhearsuresteadysoundsasitpaddedacrossthegrasstowardshim.Helaypanting,tooterrifiedtomoveorevenloo overhisshoulder.Rogerscrewedhiseyesshutandheldhisbreathasthecreaturestoppedbehindhim.Hecouldhearitsraspingbreathandanunpleasantodourwaftedoverhimasitbentcloser.SomethinggrabbedhisshoulderandhewasjustabouttoscreamwhenThoughtAhheardsummitcrashinaboutinstrawberrypatch!anelderlyfemalev

oicerasped.Rogeropenedhiseyesandloo edroundandrecoiledatwhathesaw!Shemusthavebeeninhermid-sixties,withherhairincurlersandaheadscarfoverthem.Shesquintedthroughthesmo eofacigarettewhichdangledfromherlips.Sheworeafull-lengthfadedfloralapronoveramanspullover.Apairofyellowwoollensoc sstretchedhalf-wayupvaricosedlegsandtattyslipperscompletedheroutfit.Comeinanhavecuppatea,love.Kettlesjustboiled,sherasped.Isay,thatsjolly indofyou,Rogersquea ed,standingup.Hebrushedbitsofgrassandclumpsoffearfromhimself.MynamesRogerWhite,hewenton.FleetSpaePilot.AhmDorisGrime,loveshetoldhim.AhrunBedanBrea fastplaceherewihusbadThropely.

ABedandBrea fastplace!?saidRoger,alittlesurprised.HereonKlyzemadex?Doyougetenoughbusinessto eepitgoing?Dorisnodded,dislodginghalfaninchofcigaretteash.Ohyes,love.WegettravellinsalesmenfromAlbatrexplanetsanaliensthatspassinthrough.That eepsusgoin.Shetoo alastdrawofhercigarettethenflic editintothebushes.Whenitlanded,somethingscreechedandgreenandyellowgooshotintotheair.Chattingaway,theystrolledoffacrosstheclearing,wentthroughsometreesatthefarsideofitandsooncametotheguesthouse.Itwasanoldfashionedcottageandsmo edriftedupfromthechimney.Comeinanmeetothers,love,saidDorisandwal edthroughtheopenFrenchwindowsintothelounge.Twooldermenandanalienchapweresittingintheroom,readingnewspapers

.Dorislitanothercigarette.ThisisRogerWhite,shetoldthem.HesaFleetPiot.Goodmorning,Rogersaidpolitelytothemall.ThisisStan,Doristoldhim.Stanwaswearingacollarlessshirtandbaggytrouserswhichwereheldupbyabeltandbraces.Acoupleofdayswhitebristleadornedhischee sandheadandmerrybrowneyestwin ledinhislinedweatheryface.Alloladhesaidgrinningandshowingawell- eptsetofdentures.SeeEarthsbendestroyed.Heheldupthenewspaperhedbeenreading.


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EARTHWIPEDOUTBYDUSTCLOUD!!BILLIONSHOMELESS!!,announcedthefrontpage.BelowitwasapictureofEarthblowingup.Rogerwassurprised.Oh,soyoualready nowaboutEarth,hesaid.Thatsright,lad,Stantoldhim.StanlodgeswiusanrunsSexShopinfoyer,DoristoldRoger.ButhismainfunctionistohavereminiscenceswimehusbandThropely.Rogersupressedasnigger.AsDoriswasabouttointroducetheothersshenoticedthatthefirewasburningabitlow.Bestputsomecoalonbeforeitgoesout,sheannounced.Shewal edtothefireandbentovertothecoalpail,presentingalumpyapron-coveredreartotheroom.Staneyeditandgrinned.Hewin edatRogerwhoflushed.Thatsbetter,saidDoris,standingupagain.Sheglancedattheothertwomen.hesearetwominorcharacters,sheexplained,butAhllintroduceyeanyway.Rogernoddedpolitely.ThisisSirAshleyWhig,Doristoldhim,indicatingachapsittingonacouch,Hesadisgracedtelevisionreporter.SirAshleywashalf-drun .HewavedaglassatRoger,sloppingsomewhis yoverhisalreadyfood-stainedrumpledsuit.Hisfacehadthewonderfulunhealthyfloridglowofthefulltimelushandwastoppedbysomeunnaturalloo ingdishevelledwavybrownhair.Hloolechap,heslurred.HelloSirAshley,Rogersaidpleasantly.Lovelyarsethere,Dorisolegirl!SirAshleycommented.Anychanceofusrunni

noff?Spotofjollyeloping,what?Couldstartnewlifeonanotherplanet.Doriscac led.Buggeroff,SirAshley!sheretorted.Ahcouldneverelopewimanwhocantmaintaingoodfirmerectionforatleastanhour!SirAshleysighedandpouredhimselfandhissuitanotherdrin .ThisisFed,Dorissaid,indicatingthenextminorcharacter.FedstravellinsaesmanfromAlbatrexTwo.Specialisesinbunioncreamansextoys.Fredwasalongthinhumanloo ingpersonbuthadtwoextraarms.HenoddedpleasantlyatRoger.Fredsquitehandywhenyerma inomelettes!Dorisremar edandcac led.Wellnothatscenessetforthispartonovel,comeinto itchenanhavesometea,shesaidtoRoger.Rogerfollowedherdownashortcorridorandattheendofitsheopenedadoorforhim.

Throughthere,love,shetoldhim.Rogerwal edintothe itchenthenimmediatelyflattenedhimselfagainstthewall,hiseyeswidewithterror.Twohairybear-li eanimalswererummagingaboutbutwhentheysawhimtheygrowled,showinghugesharpteethandmovedtowardshim.Rogertriedtoflattenhimselffurtheragainstthewallandinvoluntarysquea soffearescapedfromhislips.LargeclawsreachedforhimbutwerebrushedasidecasuallybyDoriswhocamein.Shoo!Shoo!Out!sheorderedthecreatures,slappingthemroundtheheadandpushingthemtowardstheopenbac door.Goonout!Pissoffout!sheyelled,pushingthemoutthedoorthenclosingit.Bloodyras as,shesaid.Dont nowwhyThropey eepsem.Rogertriedtoappearcasual.Ras as?heas ed,hisvoiceslightlyhigh.Whateverarethey?

Ohtheyroamaboutinwoods,Doristoldhim.Thropelyfeedsemanteachesemts.Rogerfrowned.Tric s?Youmeanli ecardtric s?Doriscac ledasshepouredthetea.Nae,lad.Simpletric sli efetchinaballorstic .Li edogs.Oh,Isee.Rogersaidanddran sometea.SohowlonghaveyoubeenhereonKlyzemadex?heas ed.Doriswrin ledupherwrin led-upfaceasshethoughtaboutit.OhaboutfiveyearsAhrec on.AndwhycomeheretoKlyzemadex?


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WewantedtgetawayfromEarth,love,Dorisreplied.WethoughtoAlbatrexbutitgoesforThropelysasthmathere.Buthowdidyougethere?Rogeras edinamazement.ItsbillionsofmilesawayromEarth.ThispartoftheUniversehasntevenbeenexploredyet.Doriscac led.OhitwereThropely,love.Hecamebac frompitonedayansaid,Thatsit,ourDoris,assoonasAhvehadteaAhmgoinintoshedtbuildRetroargedIonicConverter.Whateverfor,Thropely?Ahsaid.Areyefedupwipigeons?lass,hesaid,Ahmfedupwibadgrammarinpit!SoonasAhvebuiltRetroChargedInicConverteranfittedittShip,wereofftplanetcalledKlyzemadex.You,meanStan.WhyKlyzemadex,Thropely?Ahas ed.Becauseitsayoungplanetwheregrammastillpure.Placewhereamancanstringoutlongsentencesannotputprepositionatend.Placewhere idscangrowupannotgetgrammarmolested,hetoldme.ButThropely,Ahsaidthim,whataboutourDoreensweddin?BuggerourDoreensereplied.Hewereli ethatwereThropely.Ahcanremembertimewhen--Justthenthedooropenedandanelderlymancamein,interruptingDorissrecollections.Hehadonaclothcapandwaswearingafrayeddar waistcoatoveracollarlessgrubbyshirt.Bracesandbelthelduphisoldcorduroy.trousers.Hewasunshavedanddidnthavehisfalseteethin.Hegrinnedthenfarted.Doriscac led.Niceone,Thropely,shesaid.Wevegotvisitorsoputyerteethn.ThisisRoger.Thropelysearchedhispoc etsforhisdenturesthenshoo hishead.Mustvelefteminshed,hesaid.Allolad.Hello,saidRoger.HaveyouheardaboutEarth?Thropelynodded.CantsayasAhmthatupset,headmitted.Stateogrammarbac

erewasdownrightinsulttear.Wantonsplittinoinfinitives.Chaoticlongsentences.Tensesalltcoc .Heshoo hishead.Regionalaccentsli eoursareonethingbutAhcantstandbadgrammar.Isee,saidRoger,nodding.Whatsfordinner,ourDoris?Thropelyas ed.Ahvegotnicealiensbraininoven!Dorisreplied,beaming.Yestill nowwaytmansheart,ourlass,saidThropely,grinningandrevealingpin gums.Comeouttshed,lad,hesaidtoRoger,anseepigeons.RogerfollowedThropelyoutandtheystrolleddownapavedgardenpathtoalargewoodenshed.Inside,pigeonswerecooingandflutteringaroundbuttherewerealsoacoupleofdeadonesonthefloor.Someofemdontseemtta etclimateere.Justseemtdrop,Thropelysaidupthedeadpigeonsandputtingtheminasac .NowwheredidAhleaveteeth?

AsRogeradmiredthepigeons,Thropelyhuntedroundonashelffullofseedbagsforthem.Eventuallyhefoundthem,wipedthemonhistrousersthenputthemin.Ah,thatsbetter,hesaid,turningbac toRoger.Hethrusthishandsintohispoc ets,clearedhisthroatthenfarted.Directlybehindhim,apigeonfellbacwardsoffalowperchandlandedwithagentlethumponthefloor,dead.SowheredidyouliveonEarth?Rogeras ed.OhitwerelovelysmallvillagecalledGrimbledy e,Thropelytoldhim.WhereYor shireusedtbeinEngland.Andyoulivedasminers?Thatsright,lad.Weshunnedmodernlivinanfollowedlifestyleoancestorsin1950s.Theywereallminers.Coalminers.Soyoubuiltthevillage?

Too overrundownvillageanre-createditas50sstylecoalmininvillagewishopsanpubsanpits.Andyouactuallywentdownthepitsanddugforcoal?Naelad,wewentdownanplayedsnoo er.Rogerloo edpuzzled.Thropelylaughed.Coursewedugforcoal.Thatwerewholepoint.Weli edlifestyle.Ohyes,Icanseetheattractionofgoingallthatwaydownintothedar ness,enduringthoseharshconditionswiththedangersoffloodsandcave-ins.Thropelygrinnedasheremembered.Aye,themwerethegoodpointsbutithad


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itsdrawbac saswellthough.Rogergaveup.WhatabouttheGermanswholiveherethen?TheoneswhopretendtheyreNazisfromthe1940s?Thembastards!spatThropely.Theycameheresoonafterus.Thousandsoem.Theeafterta inoverwholeplanet.Whydotheywanttota eovertheplanet?JustcausetheyreGerman,lad.Itsintheirnature.Sowheredotheylivejustnow?Anywheretheyli e!Theyrealloverplace.EvengotArmybarrac sanArmycompoundsanstuffli ethat.Andtheyallwearuniforms?Aye.Yellmeetthemsoonerorlater.RogerglanceddownathisFleetPilotsoutfit.Theyllprobablythin ImanOffier,hethoughtdelusionally.Anyway,Ahvesummitimportanttsay,lad,Thropelyannounced,staringatRoger,oAhllcomestraighttpoint.Itsaboutthatwomaninthere,hesaid,indicatingthcottagewithhisthumb.Ah nowyefindherattractivesotheresnoneedtdenyit.Ahsawthewayyeloo edather.Rogerfrowned.YoumeanDoris?Thropelynodded.TheresnotmanywomenonKlyzemadex,hewenton,anthemthatrebecomeallthemoredesirableforit.Rogersmouthdroppedopen.Butshes--Mewife,Thropelysaid.Sothin on,lad.Nowcomeonin.Dinnerllbeontableeturnedandliftedtwoofthepigeonsofftheirperches.Ahllletthesetwohave

abitofafly,hetoldRoger,grinning.Theylefttheshedandstrolledbac upthegardenpath.ThropelyreleasedthepigeonsthenwentintothecottagebutRogerstoppedtowatchastheyflewupintothes y.Howgraceful,hemutteredinadmiration,watchingthem.Thepigeonsflewupwardsthenban edandturnedwithperfecteaseuntilalargetwo-headedeagleswoopeddownfromnowhereandgrabbedthem.Rogerwatchedopen-mouthedasitflewofftowardssomehills,thedeadpigeonsinitstalons.Rogershoo hisheadthenwentinandjoinedtheothersatthe itchentable.HewasjustabouttoexplainwhathadhappenedwhenDoristurnedtoThropely.Haveyefedtwo-headedeagle?sheas ed.Ayelass,hereplied.Justgaveitsomepigeons.Dorisshoo herhead.Youanyerpets,shesaid.Ahdont nowwhyye eepit.

THREE

Afterdinner,everyonestrolledbac throughtothelounge.RogertoldthemallthathewaseventuallyheadingtoNewEarthbutnobodyseemed eenonjoininghim.ThropelyandStangotouttheirpipes.Dorisgotouther nitting.SirAshleygotouthisheadonmorewhis y.Fed,thealientravellingsalesman,excusedhimselfandwentuptohisroomtomasturbateorsohesaidbutitwasprobablytoreadagoodboo .Thropelypuffedawaycontentedlyonhispipeforafewmomentsthenfrowned.Whosthatyoungladthere?heas ed,pointinghispipeatayoungboyofabouttwelve.

ThatsWilf,Doristoldhim.Ourson.Thropelyraisedaneyebrow.Wonderedwhyhewerealwayseatinwius,heremared.Rogerglancedoutthewindow.Itwasgettingdar andheavyrainwasfalling.Nipdowntcornershopangetussomepipetobacco,youngWilf,saidStan.WilfsfacefellandRogerfeltsorryforhim.Thatsabitmuchsendingayoungboyoutinweatherli ethis,hethought,glancingagainattherain.ButStan,bleatedWilf,alieninshopalwaysinterfereswime!Rogersmouthdroppedopen.


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Thatsnowt,scoffedThropely.Ahcanrememberdayswhenwholepitusedtinterewiyoungladsli eyou!Thatsright,Thropely,agreedStan.Youngladwouldcomeinforhisfirstdayasomeouswouldgrabhim.Therehedbe,spread-eagledovercoalcartwihalfobac shiftlineduptpaddlehim!Isay,didnttheparentscomplain!?as edashoc edRoger.ThropelyandStanlaughed.Doriscac led.Ayetheycomplained,Thropelytoldhim.Theyusedtcomeupansaytheydchargswiinterferinwiminor.Butladsnotminer!wedsay,Stanexplained,Ladsonlyapprenticeminer!Thatusedtthrowem!saidThropely.Thentheydlaughanseefunnysideoinc.Seeitwerejustlight-heartedpran bywor inclasstta estingoutodailygrind!Rogerfrownedbutdecidedagainstas ingforanexplanation.Goontshopthen,ourWilf,Dorissaid.Angetusanicebrownloafwhenyertere.Hiddenbrassbandllplayyethereanbac .Justli einoldadvertsontv.Grumbling,WilfputonhisclothcapandleftbytheFrenchwindows.Asheopenedone,abrassbandcouldbeheardplaying.Themusicstoppedwhenheclosedthewindow.Ayethemweregranddays,Thropelysaidandsighed.Youngladsthesedaysdontnowtheyreborn.Justli efoetus,addedDoris,orstillbornbabe.Theydont nowtheyrebornher.Theothersnodded nowingly.SirAshleynoddedoff.

Ayeitsjustnotsamenowadays,Stanwenton.Youngstersdonthavesamedisadvagestloo forwardto.Thatsright,Stan,agreedThropely.Everythinstoosecure.Evenatpit.Therecave-insorfloodsli ethereusedtobebac inGrimbledy e.Wehadsomegrandaccidentsinthemdays,didntwe,Thropely?Stansaid.RemembrtimeatSilicosisCollierywhenwholesectiongaveway.Twentymentrappedfordays,slowlydyinosuffocationanhideousinjuries.Aye,thatweregrandthatone,Stan!Thropelyagreed.Rescuesquadwor edroundcloc tryintreachemthengotfedupanwentonmassivepiss-up.Lastedforwees.Nosurvivors.Buttrappedmeneventuallygotout,Stanremindedhim.Thatsright,agreedThropely,nodding.Thetwoofthempuffedawaycontentedlyontheirpipes.

Buttheremusthavebeensometerriblediseasesinyourvillagewhenyouworeddownthemines,Rogersaideventually.Stanbeamedathim.Yerright,lad.Wehadsomeobestdiseasesever nowntman.Newoneswerepoppinupeveryotherwee tstumpvillagehospital.Ayewehadsomegranddiseasesinthemdays,musedThropely.Theylapsedintosilenceawhile,eachlostintheirparticularreminiscenceofthegoodolddays.EventuallyDorisstopped nittingandglancedatThropelyandStan,herwateryeyestwin ling.Bodilycancer!sheannounced,grinning.Bythatwereagoodone!Thropelysaidenthusiastically.Rottininbedformonthswithatyewere.Slowlyfallintbits.Visitorwouldcomeintseeyeransha eyerhandanyerwholearmwouldcomeoff.Horriblestuffflowinoutoverbedclothes.

Anthesmell,Stanadded.Yecouldsmellitsoonasyeopenedfrontdoor.Ayethemweregooddays,saidThropely.Lovelydiseases.Dorisseyestwin ledagain.PetitMalEpilepsy!sheannounced.Thropelybeamedather.Yevepic edaparticularfavouriteominethere,ourDoris.Knewit,love.YourRalphhadit.Yerright.ByChristhewereacharacterthough.Usedtseehimdownpithavinseizure,foaminatmouthanpissinhimself.AyehewerearightlaughwasourRalph.DidntRalphmarrythatEdnaKa fromAuraStreet?Stanas ed.


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Thatsright,Stan,Dorisagreed.Fol ssaidhemarriedabovehimselfsinceEdnawereGrandMalEpileptic.Saiditwouldneverwor .Rogerloo edpuzzled.Marryinaboveyerselfwasbigthinginthemdays,Doristoldhim.Itwereli emarryingintodifferentreligion.Rogerloo edpuzzled.WhathappenedtRalphanEdnaanyway?as edStan,scratchingthestubbleonDorisschin.Theyusedtgoroundclubswiact,Thropelyremindedhim.Theydhaveabigtubwateronstageanbothwouldgetinanhaveseizures.Stanlaughed.NowAhremember!TheywerecalledTheMagnificentJacuzzis!Aye,thatwereem,agreedThropely,nodding.ItweresadthoughwhenEdnadied,saidDoris.Itwereneverthesame.Thatsright,love.Ralphtriedanotheractbyhimself.Usedtgetintowoodenboxwiglassdooranhaveseizure.CalledhimselfTheHumanSpinDryer!Stansaid,rememberingThatwereit!agreedThropely,laughing.Daftbastard!Themweregooddaysthough,saidStan.Theywerebestdaysouslives,statedThropely.Bestdaysoeverybodyslives,advancedStan.Bestdaysopeopleslivesthathaventlivedyet,raisedDoris.BestdaysoEarth,counteredThropely.OgalaxyEarthsin,venturedStan.BestdaysoentireUniverse,suggestedDoris.

BestdaysohistoryoentireUniverseinitsentirety,Thropelyannouncedwithanairoffinality.Than puc !thoughtRoger.ThatswhyitwerechosenforSecondComing,Stansaidcasually.Rogerraisedhiseyebrowsinamazement.TheSecondComing!?!hesaid.YoumeantheSecondComingofJesus!?!Stannoddedandpuffedawayonhispipe.Dorisputdownher nitting.Ahdidnt nowthat,Stan,shesaid.AboutSecondCming.Diditreallyhappeninthemdays?NobodymentioneditinbutcherswhenAhwereinfortripe.Itweretrue,ourDoris,Thropelytoldher.Butithadtobe eptsecret.Onlytwoorthree newaboutit.Disciples,li e?Dorisas ed.

Thropelynodded.Thisissilly!Rogerannounced.AreyoutryingtotellmethattheSecondComingofJesushappenedinadullunimportantre-createdEnglishminingvillage!?Thropelynodded.Itweretrue,lad.TrueasAhmsittinherereadytoletrip.Hefarted.Dorisfrowned.TheSecondComingitwereneveratnumberthirtynine,wereit?sheas ed.Thropelynodded.EuniceanTommyGrunnion?Stannodded.Wellwell!Dorissaidinamazement.EuniceanTommy!Ma essensewhenyethin aboutitnow.Ahmean,afterNipperwerebornTommystoppedbeinlabourerinsewagewor stta eoverasHeadoForeignOffice.Fol salwayssaiditweresomeso

rtomiracle.Miracleitwere,love,saidThropely.SowhathappenedtohimorshoulditbeHim?ascepticalRogeras ed.OhHegot illeddurinacave-inatBronchitisColliery,Thropelytoldhim.Rogersniggered.Hegot illedduringacave-in!?!DoyoureallyexpectmetobelievethattheSecondComingwasbroughttoanimmatureunplannedconclusionbythetotallyhaphazardcollapseofsomerandombouldersinanundergroundcavern!?Whynot?Thropelysaid.WellifitwasHim,whycouldntHemovetheroc sandsaveHimself?


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Dontbesilly,lad,saidStan.IfHeddonethatHedhavegivenwholegameawaButwhatwasthepurposeoftheSecondComingifHecouldntma eHispresencenown?anexasperatedRogeras ed.Ohitwerejustdummyrun,Stantoldhim.Trial,li e,addedThropely.Tseehowthingswent.Aniftheywentwell,ifLadfeltwewasreadyforrevelation,Hewasgointma eHispresence nowneventually.ItmusthavecausedafewproblemswhenHediedprematurelythen,Rogersaidsarcastically.Ohitdid,Doristoldhim.EuniceanTommyhadjustta enoutnewthree-piecesuitefromCo-op.Lovelyitwere,sortofdar bluewiwhitetrimmin.Anyway,wholelothadtgobac .Theycouldnt eepupwipaymentsafterLadleft.LodginmoneyHewerepayincameinhandy,Stanexplained.Ahblameitonbadgrammarinpit,Thropelysaid.AhmeanhowcanyeexpectDeitytannouncepresencetmenwhodonthaveremotestconceptionohowtconstructsetences?Who eependinsentenceswiprepositionsanconjunctions?Whosplitinfinitives?SoyourtheoryisthattheentireSecondComing,themostimportant,mostlong-awaited,mosttal edabouteventinthehistoryofmanwaspostponedbecauseofbadgrammar!?Rogeras ed.Thropelynodded.Hmmm,musedRoger.Isupposeyoucouldberight.Justthentherewasaquic bustofbrassbandmusicasoneoftheFrenchwindowsopenedandclosed.

HeresourWilfbac ,saidDoris,anhesjustintimetbrea upthisreminiscichcouldgoonallnight.Wilfcamein.HetossedthepipetobaccotoStan,thebrownloaftoDoristhengrimacedandclutchedhisbuttoc s.Whathappened,ourWilf?as edThropely,win ingatStan.Didalieninshopinterferewiye?Nae,ourDad,repliedWilf.Itweredrummerinbrassbastardband!ThropelyandStanlaughedandslappedWilfontheshoulders.Dorisputdownher nittingandwentovertohim.Nevermind,ourWilf,shesaidconsolingly.Comeinto itchenanAhllma eyenicealiensbrainpoultice.Shetrnedandwin edattheothers.Thatllsootheyerstinginsphincter!TheyalllaughedandDorisledWilfaway.Ahllbesleepininspareroomtonight,love,Thropelycalled.Mebac splayin

again.Alright,love,saidDoris.Asthedoorclosed,StanturnedtoThropely.Moreli eyercoc splayinyeupagain!hesaidandtheybothlaughed.StansjustreceivedaconsignmentoinflatableFilipinowomenforhisSexShop,ThropelytoldRoger.Oh,haveyou?.Aye,werespendingthenightwiourorganssurroundedbylatex!Stanadded.Caretjoinus,lad?Rogerpolitelydeclined.Rightthen,Stan,Thropelysaid,standingup.Ahllnipintoshedanfetchbicycepump.Grand,saidStan.Ahllmeetyeinspareroom.Ahllgettwoniceladiesoutthe

xesforus.Thropelyrubbedhishands.Ahllfetchstic inplastersaswell.Justincase.Goodidea,saidStan,grinning.Stic ingplasters?queriedRoger.Ayethatsright,lad,Thropelytoldhim.LasttimeStanwasbac -scutttlinonethemanshestartedtodeflate.Slowpunctureli e.Stansniggered.Ahrememberthat!hesaid.Organwasstillerectwisheetowhitelatexhanginroundit.Aye,itloo edli eItalianArmyflagflyinathalfmast!saidThropelyandtheybothlaughedandwanderedoutofthelounge.


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FOUR

Lunchthenextdayboastedthespecialityofthehousealiensbrainstew.Everyonewasseatedroundthetableinthe itchenandalotofsmalltal wasfloatingabout.DoriswastellingRogerastoryaboutthepsychiatricproblemshercousinNoreenhadonEarthItwereterrible,love,shetoldhim.Asortoparanoidschizophreniaitwerewiatouchounderlyinendogenousdepression.Howdreadful,Rogersaidsympathetically.Itwere,agreedDoris.Shemopedaboutvillagesquareforwee s.Ahdidnt nowheretturn.IntheendAhsaidtThropely,Listen,yellhavetdosomethinaboutNoreen.WhatcouldThropelydo?Rogeras ed.Hedidnthaveanymedicaltraining,didheWellhehadstudiedpsychiatryabitwhenhewerentinventinthings,Doristoldhim.Sowhatdidhedo?Rogeras ed.Usesomesortofspecialtherapyonher?Doriscac led.Naelove,heusedhistwelveboreonher!Heshother!Aye,thatcuredher,Thropelysaid,grinning.Half-waythroughthemealthedoorwasflungopenandayoungmanrushedin.Hewaswearingoldclothes,aclothcap,bootsandwascoveredincoaldust.He

pulledoffhiscap,clutchedittohischestandstaredatthemall.Therestroubleatpit!heannounceddramatically.Sorryaboutclich,headdedogeticallyWhoshe?Thropelyas ed,frowning.ThatsyourothersonValory,Dorisexplained.Oh,isit?Thropelymutteredandcontinuedwithhisdinner.Whatsortotroubleatpit,ourValory?Dorisas ed.ItsGermans,Valoryreplied.Themonesthatliveli eitsWorldWarTwobac onEarth.Bastards!spatStan.Theyreafterrulinwholeplanet!Theyarethat,agreedThropely.Sowhataretheyupto?as edDoris.Valoryloo edroundatthemall.Theyreta inoveratpitanforcingusallts

pea german!hesaid.Therewasastunnedsilenceforafewmoments.Ohno!wailedDoris.Christ,isthistrue,ourValory?as edThropely,standingup.Itis,ourDad.Ye nowwhatthismeans,dontye,Thropely?as edStan.Aye,thatAhdo,Stan.Ye nowhowthemfuc inKrautstal -verbsatendosentencesanmaleanfemaledefinitearticlesancrapli ethat.Never nowwhatthebastardsareonabout.Aye,itlljustbeli ebadgrammarinGrimbledy ealloveragain.Itwillthat,Stan.Sowhatllhappennow,ourValory?Dorisas ed,nervouslywringingherhandsroundthecatsnec .

Valoryshruggedandslumpeddownatthetable.AhvealreadycontactedArthurAc ley,unionleader,hetoldher.Hescominroundlater.Letsgoanseeiftheresowtaboutitontv,suggestedThropely.TV?saidRoger,surprised.Ididntthin youwouldhavehadthathere.Justbasicchannels,Stantoldhim.News,sportanporn.TheyallstrolledthroughtotheloungeandDorisswitchedonthetv.Asithappened,anewsprogrammewason,beingpresentedbyafour-armedaliennewscaster..saidhedli etogiveheronehimself,theNewscastersaidandpic eduphisnxtsheetofpaper.


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Itsfunnyhowallthesealiensmanagetospea englishinsciencefictionstories,isntit?Rogerremar edandsniggered.Shutitsmartass,theNewscastersaidtohim.Rogerflushed.Reportscomingin,theNewscasterwenton,suggestwemightbehavingtroubleatpit.Sorryabouttheclich.Foranonthespotreport,overtoSirAshleyWhigwhoisoutsideKlyzemadexsmainmine.Thepicturechangedtoasceneoutsidethepit.Inthebac ground,four-armedalienswearingclothcaps,wor clothesandwor bootscouldbeseenwal ingabout.Theywereallwearingswasti aarmbands.Intheforegroundwasathree-quarterdrun SirAshleywhowasproppedupbyacoupleofthealiens.Behindhimweresomealienchildrenwhowerejumpingupanddownandwavingfour-handedlyatthecamera.AnalientechnicianstrolledintothepictureandhandedSirAshleyamicrophone.Thealienswhowereproppinghimuponeithersidesteppedaway.Thiswasamista e.SirAshleyfellbac wards.Thealiensgothimtohisfeetagain.Hisdar brownwigwasnowonsideways.Thealiensgotbehindhimandtriedtosupporthimfromtherear.Thiswasamista e.SirAshleyfellforwards.Thealiensgothimtohisfeetagain.Hewasnowclutchinghiswigandhaddroppedthemicrophone.Hespo eintothewigbutnobodycouldhearwhathewassaying.Thesametechniciancameonagain,too thewigandgavehimbac themicrophone.Thingsnowstraightenedout,thistrueprofessionalbroadcasterwasready.Hi!heshoutedandwavedatthecamera,hisbaldheadshiningbrilliantlyint

helights.Anifyourewatchin,hloDorisolegirl!Inthelounge,Dorisbeamedandwavedtohim.SirAshleysearchedthroughhisjac etpoc ets,perhapsforsomenoteshehadmadeonthecurrenttroublesattheminebutno,itwasahalf-bottlehebroughtout.Hebeganstrollingalongapath,drin ingfromthebottleandthecamerafollowedhim.Hecametoasmall, neehighwallanddecidedtositonit.Thiswasamista e.Hetoastedtheviewerswiththebottle,too aswigandfellbacwardsoverthewall.Thetwoalienswhohadearliersupportedhimrushedonscreenandhauledhimup.Theyleanedhimoverthewallsohewasfacingthecamera.Sorryboutthat,SirAshleyslurred,spotobotherwiththeoleverticalholdanway,seemstheressomenonsenseinthedamnpithere,Germansta inoveranforcineverybodytspea theirlingoorsomeruddycrapli ethat.Stri esmeasabit

sillywhentheresmoreseriousmattersafoot,Imean,haveyouevertriedtogetahalf-waydecenbrandyonthisplanetorahalf-wayceptableburgundy?Hetoo anotherswigfromhisbottlethentosseditoverhisshoulder.Ratpiss,hemuttered,wipinghissleeveacrosshismouth.WherewasI?Ohyes,isyoungValorywatchin?HalloSirAshley!Valorycalled,wavingathimfromthelounge.LoVal,SirAshleyreplied.Beasportancomerounanwelldoaspotofintervewin,theresagoodchap.Hewantstinterviewye,lad,saidThropely.Bestgetroundthere.Valoryputonhisclothcapandrushedout.Ohmy,ourValorysgointbeontelevision!exclaimedaproudDoris.Andaminutelaterhewas.Onscreen,anervousValorycouldbeseenshufflingintowardsSirAshley.Hegrinnedandwaved.

Everybodyinthelounge,includingRoger,wavedbac .Bringanythinwithyou?as edSirAshley,liftinghishandtowardshismouth.Spotofanythin?Valorycroucheddownbesidehim.SorrySirAshley,Ahrushedoutwhenyesaidyewantedtinterviewme.SirAshleycursed.WellImoffforadrin beforetheyclose.HefumbledthemicrophoneintoValoryshands.Telleverybodywhathappenedatthepit.Seeyoulater,oleboy,hemutteredandcrawledoff.Valorywasstillcroucheddownbythewall.Hesmiledagainatthecamera,nervouslytoo offhiscapandclutchedittohischest.


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Getonwithit!theDirectororderedfromoffcamera.Oh,right,saidValory.Wellwholethingstartedinnumberfourshaft.Youcanstandup,theDirectortoldhim.What?Ohright,saidValoryandstoodup.Thecamerastayedwhereitwas.Itwasjustgonehalfpastone,saidValorys nees,antherewewasatcoalfac.Upcamera!theDirectororderedwearily.Asthecamerashotmovedupwards,thebrassbandrushedinbehindValory,setupandbeganplayingsoftly.Wellwedjusthac edoutbigloadocoal,Valorywenton.Realbastarditwereoo.Wewerejusthavinlunchbrea whenGermansappeared.Wearinpitclothesanswasti aarmbandstheywas.Oneothem,musthavebeenleader,tellsusthatGermanshaveboughtallpitsonKlyzemadex.Thattheyllberunninthemfromnowonananybodythatwantst eepwor indownpithastlearngermananweararmband.Valorypausedandwipedthesweatoffhisbrowwithhiscap.Thebrassbandcontinuedsoftlyinthebac ground.Christ,mabloodrancold,Valorywenton.BeforeAh newit,aliensinpitwerestartintsayafewgermanwords.Soontheywereallatit.Collectivemadnessseemedtseizeem.Ahfroze.Didnt nowwhattdo.Hairinsidemanosewasstandinnend.Ballswereli etwoprunes.Blac puddinyoghurttastedli edeadcowsbloodinmouth.Valorywipedmoresweatawayfromhisbrow.BeforeAh newwhatAhwasdoinAhpanic edanranhometcomfortofamily,he

toldtheraptviewers.Quiteright,ourson,saidDorisinthelounge.Ahalwayssaid,discretionwasthebetterpartoValory.Thropelynoddedinagreement.Soastunebrassbandsplayinisconvenientlydrawintclose,Ahllhandyebactstudio,finishedourmanatthepit.Thropelygotupandswitchedoffthetvandshortlyafterwards,Valorycamebac intothelounge.Sowhathappensnow?abemusedRogeras ed.WellhavetwaitforArthurAc ley,unionleader,Valorytoldhim.ThropelyandStanbroughtouttheirpipes.Dorisbroughtouther nitting.Rogersatwonderingwhyhehadntfiguredmuchinthischaptersofarbuthisthoughtswereinterruptedbyaloud noc atoneoftheFrenchwindows.YoungWilfst

rolledovertoopenit.Amanwasstandingoutside.Momentarilyashaftofsunlightshoneonhim.Itshoneonhishead,seemedtobeabsorbedintohisbodyandleftviahisbuttocs.Afternoonbrothers!heannounced,stridingintotheroom.ArthurAc ley,unionleader,asmentionedafewsentencesago!

FIVE

Arthurwasastoc ymanwithabigpointednoseandaverystrangehairstylehishairwasintheprocessofleavinghimandhedtriedtoconcealthisbyusinganeartoearpartingwithhishaircombedforwards.Itloo edreallyconvinci

ngandnatural.Hewasdressedinadar bluesuitandcarriedabriefcase.Twoothermenhadstrodeinbehindhimandpromptlybumpedintohimwhenhehadhalted.Heturnedandglaredatthem.ThisisbrotherColin,hesaid,ma ingtheintroductions,andbrotherDeric .Colinwasayoungishslimchapwithshortbrownhairandeyessettooclosetogetherforsanity.Deric wasalargewell-builtchapwithshortblac hairandeyessettoofarapartforsanity.Afternoon,theysaidinunisontotheroom.Afternoon,brotherValory,Arthursaid,puttinghisbriefcaseonatable.Valorystoodupandtoo hiscapoffindeferencetothistremendouslyimpor


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tantman.Afternoon,MrAc ley,hesaid,grinningproudly.Arthurnoddedathim.Right,brotherValorysentforusbecauseoftroubleatpit.Sorryabouttheclich.Incaseyouothersdont now,werepresentthebiggestuniononKlyzemadex.WeretheKlyzemadexUnifiedNationalTeamStri eforce.YoungWilfsniggered.Kunts!hemuttered.Arthurglaredathim.Watchit,lad!hewarned,holdingafistuptohim.EasyArthur,Thropelysaidpacifyingly.Ladwerejustta ininitiallettersoyergroupanforminnamewiem.Aye,itseasywaytorememberthings,addedStan.ItscalledfirstletteranemcThropelylaughed.Dontbedaft,Stan!Anemonicissmallplantli eanimalwilongtendrilsthatlivesinsea.Wordyoureloo inforisan erite.ItwasDorissturntolaugh.An erite!?shescoffed.Dontbedaft,Thropely.Ariteisarhombohedralcarbonatemineralocalcium,iron,magnesiumanmanganese.NamedafterAustrianmineralProfessoritwere,M.J.An er.Helivedwaybac in1772andiedinin,shetrailedoffandfrowned.Justthenadrun SirAshleystaggeredin.Hiswigwasonsidewayssohetoohadaneartoearparting.Loo Arthur,hescopyingyourhairstyle!Colinpointedout.Shutit,Arthurreplied.AlloSirAshley,saidDoris.CanyerememberM.J.An eratall?SirAshleysan ontoasofaandfrowned.Ohyes!hesaid.Heplayedcric etforEngland.Damnfineplayerhewastoo.ItwasValorysturntolaugh.Dontbedaft,SirAshley!hesaid.Ladyoureth

aboutwasE.J.An er.LostbothlegsintragicaccidentatLondonZoowhenenragedhippobro eoutoenclosureantrampledhim.ItwasWilfsturntolaugh.Dontbedaft,ourValory!hesaid.E.J.An erlivedAuraStreetnexttoEuniceanTommyGrunnion.Hewereaschizophrenicventriloquist.Rogerclearedhisthroatloudly.Ithin thisconversationisgettingabitsilly!hedeclared.Itis,lad,Arthuragreed.Letsstopallthisandgetbac toreasonwhyweree.IvotewehaveafewmomentssilencetoremindourselvesoftheproblemsinKlyzemadexspitsangetourrolesstraightinourheadsagain.Agreed!Colinpipedup.Seconded!Arthurglaredathim.Youcantagreetomotionsandsecondthemaswell,youtwat!hereprimanded.

Colinloo edatthefloor.SorryArthur,hemuttered.Whollsecondthemotionthen?Arthuras ed.Rogerclearedhisthroatagain.Well,actuallyIdisagreewiththemotion,hesaid.Blac ball!Deric sneered.Scab!Colinsneered.Shutityoutwo,Arthurordered.Thebrotherheresentitledtohisopinion,evenifitclasheswithmine,Imeanours,hequic lycorrected.Thatsnotwhatyousaidearlier,Arthur,Colinremindedhim.Yeah,yousaidifanybodysopinionclashedwithyourswehadtobrea hislegs,addedColin.Withbigwoodenstic s.Arthurtuggedathisshirtcollarandloo edabituncomfortable.Youneversaidwhat indofwoodthough,Deric wenton.

Yeah,youneversaidwhat indofwood,echoedColin.Thereslotsofdifferent indsofwood,Deric toldhim.Itcouldbepic handlsorshovelhandlesor--ForChristsa eshutit,saidArthur.Orra eswiththeprongsta enofforsmalltrowelswiththediggingbitsrem--Isaidshutit!!yelledArthur.ColinandDeric jumpedthenlapsedintosilence.Arthurshoo hishead.Nowletshearwhatthebrotherhastosayaboutwhyhedisagreeswiththemotionofhavingafewmomentssilencesowecangetourrole


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sstraightinourheadsagain.Rogerclearedhisthroatagainforthethirdtimeinapage.WellactuallyImratherfedupwiththisroleIvebeengiven,hebegan,alittleself-consciously.Iebeendepictedasaratherweedy,ineffectualsort,naveattimes,hystericalatothers.Yevebeeninnovelfromstart,haventye,lad?saidThropely.WellyesIhave.Thenstopfuc inmoanin!Stansniggered.Aye,wehadtwaitagesbeforewecameintoit.Butitsnotfair!rantedRoger.Idontwanttobeli ethis.Bestnottcomplain,love.Thingscouldgetalotworseforye.Aye,yerrightthere,Doris,agreedStan.OhIdontcare!Rogersaiddramatically.Imfedupbeingli ethis.Iwanttoastrongforcefulcharacter.Iwanttobehandsomeandhavewomenfallatmyfeet.Iwanttobewittyanddebonair.IwanttobethedeadJohnWayne.What!?ThedeadJohnWayne!?ButInevermeanttosaythat!!Toldye,love.Thatsyougettinpunishedfornotbeingratefulthatyewereinboo fromstart,Dorisexplainedtohim.Aye,Ahvecomeacrossitafore,saidThropely.Charactersstartsayingthingsteydontreallywantto.Cantcontrolthemselves,li eWhosJohnWayne?as edapuzzledWilf.Usedtbeacowboyinfilmswaybac hundredsofyearsago,Stantoldhim.Whatsacowboy?as edapuzzledWilf.Arthurthumpedthetable.Rightbrothers,letsgetdowntobusiness!hesaidfo

rcefully.TheunionteamisherebecausebrotherValoryas edustointerveneinthetroubleatthepit.SoifIcouldas thebrothertosumuptheproblemforus.Valoryrose.Wellbrothers,itstheGermans,hebegan,loo ingroundateveryone.Theyreta inovereverypitonKlyzemadexanforcinallminerstspea german.Arthurshoo hishead.Bastards!hespat.Itsobvioustheyneedtaughtalessonandthisisthetimetodoit.Valoryapplauded,anadoringsmileonhisface.Itstimeforthewor ingmanonKlyzemadextoshowtheseGermanstheycantbepushedaround,Arthurwenton.Valoryapplaudedagainandcheered.Yes,thisisagoldenopportunitytobringthiswholefuc ingplanettoitsnees!Arthurfinished.

Valoryhaltedinmid-applause.Bringtheplanettoits nees!?Hehadntexpectedthis indofreactionfromArthur.Maybealittlestri e.Justasmallishone.No,thatwasabitharshmaybeastronglywordedlettertothepitmanagement,aslongasitdidnthurtanybodysfeelings.Butbringingtheplanettoits nees!?Yesits nees!saidArthur.IfweplayourcardsrightIcanseethisstri elastingformonthsandmonthsanditwillgoalongwaytowardsma ingmealegendinmyownmind,Imeanmine.Ma ingmealegendinmyownmine.ArthurpausedandglancedroundtheenthralledaudienceofabemusedRoger,distraughtValory,slumberingSirAshleyandquietlysniggeringThropelyandStan.Doriswascontinuingwithher nittingandwasonlyhalf-listening.Loo atthestateofthisplanet,Arthurwenton,disgustinhisvoice.Itsstale,itsprosperous,itspeaceful,theresfullemploymentandnowthebastardGermans

wanttoruleit!Becausebelievemetheywontstopatthepits!!Theyllonlystopwhentheyruletheplanet!!!Thunderousapplausefollowedthis.ItdieddownwhenColinstoppedapplauding.Ladsgotpointthough,hasnthe,ThropelymutteredtoStan.Aye,hehasthat,repliedStan.Right,whatwewantissomeaction.Newspapercoverageofthestri e,tvinterviews,radiointerviews,thatsortofstuff.Wevegottogetourmessageacross.Deric youhandlethemedia.Usualway?Deric as ed,bringingoutablac jac andthumpingitinandouto


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fhishand.No,Arthursaid.Usesomesubtlety.O ayboss,Deric said,grinningandthumpingsomesubtletyinandoutofhishand.Arthurnodded.Next,wevedrawnupalistofdemands,hewenton.Werehavingalloutstri euntileachandeveryoneofourdemandsaremetfully.Colinreadoutthedemands.Rogerlaughedloudly.Everyoneturnedtoloo athim.Heflushed.Somethingfunny,brother,Arthuras ed.Sorry,saidaflusteredRoger.Iwasmadetolaughtherefornoreason.Ahwarnedye,love,Dorisremindedhim.Yergettinpunished.Canwegeton?Arthuras ed.RightColinreadoutthedemands.Colintoo outafoldedsheetofpaperfromhisjac etthenglancedroundtoseeifhehadeveryonesattention.Hereareourdemands!heannouncedpompously.Frstdemand:DearMumandDad,justafewlinestosayImwell.Hopeyouarewell.Aretheferretsalright?HowareGramspiles?IsUncleSidstill--Whatthebleedinghellisthatcrap!?Arthurbar edathim.Colinstaredatthesheetofpaperandbithislip.Thatsaletter,Arthursaidtohim.Yourereadingabloodyletter.Wheresourofdemands?Colinseyesdartedroundtheroominpanic.Andstopdartingyoureyesroundtheroomli ethat,Arthurwarnedhim.You nowitgivesyouamigraine.Nowwheresourlistofdemands?Onitswaytomymumanddadinplaceofthisletter,Colinsaidsoftly.

Christ,hesforit,ThropelymutteredtoStan.Shouldbegood,Stanmutteredbac ,grinning.Ididnthearyousaythat,Colin,Arthursaid,gazingattheceiling.Ididntryousaythatthelistofdemandswhichtoo usfortyeightintensivehourstodrawupandofwhichwedonthaveacopyisonitswaytoyourmumanddadinsteadofthatletter?Colinwascringingnow,waitingforthefullbruntofArthurswrathtodescendonhim.Sowastheroom.ArthurtheVengefulwasstillstaringattheceilingandtappinghisfoot.Colinstartedsha ing.EventuallyArthursighedandshoo hishead.HeglancedatColin,smiledandlaidanarmonhisshoulder.Ohforgetit,hetoldhim.Anybodycanma eamista e.Colinrestartedbreathingandattemptedasmile.

Butyouma ethemALLTHEFUCKINGTIME!!Arthuryelleddirectlyintohisear.Colinfainted.ValoryandRogercringed.Theotherssniggered.Yellhavetsitdownanre-doyerdemands,lad,ThropelyadvisedArthur.Arthurnodded.I now.HeglanceddownattheunconsciousColin.Bringhimround,heorderedDeric .O ayArthur,saidDeric .HebentdownanddraggedColinsbodyroundtoArthurotherside.Arthursheadsan intohishands.Imeanround,asinconscious,hesaidfrombetweenhisfingers.Oh.Right,mutteredDeric .YoungWilfnippedoutandreturnedwithabowlofwater.Deric too itandthrewitoverColinsface.Colinsplutteredandsatup.Deric helpedhimtohis

feet.SorryArthur,hemutteredgroggily.Arthurshoo hisheadindisgust.Hetoo afewmomentstocomposehimselfthenstartedadramaticspeech.Brothers,hesaid,hisvoicethic withemotionandphlegm,IseethiscomingstruggleagainsttheGermansasafirstclassopportunitytounitethewor ingclassesonthisplanetinanongoingsituationwhichwillfurthermy,ahtheircause,thecauseoftradeunionismingeneral.Christ,herewego,mutteredThropely.Fortoomanyyearsnowthewor ingmanonthisplanethasbeenledupthegardenpathbythebosses,Arthurwenton.


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Hearhear!addedValory.Arthurnoddedathim.Itsnowtimeforthemtobeledupthegardenpathbysomebodyelseme,Imeanthemselves.Itstimethebosseswerebroughttotheir neessothepeoplewhoreallydeserveitcanruntheplanetthewaytheywanttoundermyleadership.ThunderousapplausefromColin.Soletsgetorganisedthen,brothers,saidArthur.Wellbebringingouttheders,thesteelwor ersandtherailwaymeninsupportoftheminers.BrotherValorygetyourselfoutandtellthemwereonstri easofnow.Valoryopenedhismouthasifhewasabouttosaysomething,thoughtbetterofit,closedhismouthandslippedoutoftheroom.ColinyourePresidentoftheTransportUnion,Deric yourePresidentoftheEectriciansUnion,Arthurwenton.Iwantyourmembersoutnowaswell.What,rightnow?Colinas ed.Now,saidArthur.ColinandDeric glancedateachother,shruggedthenunzippedtheirtrousersandbegantoreachintothem.Notthosemembers!Arthurtoldthem.Pric s!aboldRogersaidthenclappedahandoverhismouthaseveryonelaughed.JustthenValoryarrivedbac ,loo ingalittlesheepish.Christthatwasquic ,brotherValory,Arthursaid.Welldone.Didyougetthemessageoutthen?Valorystaredatthefloor.WellAhdidntli etmentionitbefore,MrAc leybu

utButwhat?Arthuras ed.Wedonthaveanydoc ersorsteelwor ersorrailwaymen.Arthurloo edathimforamomentthenbowedhishead.Sotheywontjointheunion,thebastards?Itsnotthattheywontjointheunion,MrAc ley,itsjustthattherearentanSomethingoccurredtoArthur.HeturnedtoColin.Howmanytransportwor ershaveyougot?heas ed.Colinbithislip.Howmany?Arthurpersisted.None,Colintoldhim.ArthurturnedtoDeric .Andhowmanyelectriciansinyourunion?heas ed.Deric smiled.Wellactuallyquitealot,hesaid,enthusiastically,buttheon

lyproblemisthattheyreallawayonholidayjustnowallofthemtootherplanets.Howmany?Arthuras ed.None,Deric admitted.Sohowmanyofusaretherealltogether,includingthephantomholidayma ers?ColinandDeric loo edaway.PretendedtheydseensomethingreallyinterestingouttheFrenchwindows.Brushedimaginaryflufffromtheirclothes.Wishedtheyweresomewhereelse.Howmany?Arthuras ed.Welltheresyou,me,Deric andValory,Colinfinallytoldhim.Arthursheadsan downontothetable.Hestartedslowlybeatinghisfistsonit.Four!hewailed.Fuc ingfour!Separatedfromstardombyreality,hewept.TheveryboldRogerstoodup.Yousaidyouweregoingtobringtheplanetto

its nees!heremindedArthur.Withfourpeople!?Its nees!?Ha!Youcouldntevenbringittoitsfuc ingelbows!!Theroomdissolvedintolaughter,RogerclappedhishandoverhismouthandastillweepingArthurwasledoutbyColinandDeric .

SIX

ThepredictionsofThropely,StanandpoorArthurveryquic lycametrue.NosoonerhadtheGermansta enoverthepitswhentheystartedta ingoverKlyzem


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adex,bitbybit.Sincecoalwastheplanetsmostvaluablecommodity,anybodywithoutajobwasbeingforcedtowor inthemineswhethertheywantedtoornot.Itwastimetogo.Supperacoupleofwee slaterthereforewasthelastsupper.TheChefdelaMaison,MadameDorisGrime,hadsurpassedherselfwithamouth-wateringcreationofaliensbrainontoast.Aftersupperandretiredtotheloungeandpipegoingtohissatisfaction,ThropelytoldRogertheirplansWeallhavetleaveKlyzemadex,lad,hesaid.Youaswell.Christontheshitter!Iveonlyjustgothere!retortedRoger,clappingahandtohismouth.Theyalllaughed.Stillsayinthingsyedontwantto,ehlad?as edThropelyRogernodded.Toldyethatwouldhappen,love,saidDoris.Yerbeinpunishedforcomplaininaboutyerrole.Nowdyebelieveme?Rogernoddedagain,aworriedloo onhisface.Tellladourplan,saidStan.WevedecidedtleavewiyouonyourShip,Thropelytoldhim.Withme!?HaventyougotyourownShip?Rogeras ed,surprisedthathedactuallsaidsomethinghedwantedto.Naelad.Weburneditwhenwelanded.Symbolicgestureli e.Ahmonlyhalf-waythroughbuildinanother.Wereallgointgodisguisedasminers,Stantoldhim.

Dressedinoldclothesandblac edupwicoaldust,addedThropely.AnAhve nittedusniceswasti aarmbands,saidDoris,holdingoneup.Butwhyshouldweleave?Rogeras ed.Germans!spatThropelyFuc inKrauts!spatStan.Theyveta enoveratpits,wentonThropely,anli epoorArthursaid,theyvertedta inoverplanet.Sohowdoesthataffectus?Welltheyllforceeverybodyttal germanforastart,explainedThropely.Aye,thentheyllforceyettal germanevenwhenyerathome,addedStan.Andthissulliedenglishlanguagewillmelt,thawandresolveitselfintoadew,saidDorispoetically.Aye,yevesummedupallusfeelinsthere,ourlass,saidThropely.

Thentheyllta eyoungerfol li eyouanevenWilfanforceyetwor downpit,saidStanLi ehelltheywill!drawledthedeadJohnWayne.Thropelylaughed.Ohtheylldoit,lad,hetoldhim,anifyedontgotheyllye.Ithin weshouldleaveimmediately!saidRoger.Wheresthecoaldust!?Theotherslaughed.MeanWilfarestayinbehind!Valoryannounceddramatically.Ohno!wailedDoris.Whateverfor,ourValory?sheas ed.Wevetal editoveranweregointstartresistancemovement,Valorytoldhernupwiotherrebelsanliveinhillssharinenglishlanguagean eepinitalive.Aye,wellambushKrautsanforceemtspea english!pipedupWilf.

AninfiltrateGermanArmyofficesanleaveenglishnovelsandictionarieslyinround,addedValoryAyeanwhentheKrautscatchyetheyllpaddlebothyerarses!saidStan,grinning.Ahwasoutforshoppintodayantheyvestartedhavinchec points,saidDoris.Havethey,lass?saidThropely.Thatsaworry.Whyaretheydoingthat?as edRoger.Fol saretryintleaveKlyzemadex,explainedThropely,soanybodycaughtwandeinaroundhasthavepaperssayinwhotheyareanwhatjobtheydo.Stangrinned.SomeanThropelyhavebeenbusyforginpapersforusall.


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Ahwonderedwhatyoutwowereuptoinspareroomthesepastfewnights,saidDoris.Forginpapers,saidThropely,win ingatStan.AnprobablyshaggintheminflatableFilipinowomenfromStansSexShopaswell!saidtheastuteDoris.MeanWilfstoleoriginals,aproudValorytoldthemall.Rogerfrowned.YoustoletheoriginalinflatableFilipinowomen?heas ed.Valorylaughed.Nae,theoriginalpapers!Soforgeriescouldbemade.Oh,saidRoger.AndthatswhyIhatemyrole,hethoughttohimself.Rightlad,bestgetanearlynight,Thropelytoldhim.Wereleavinfirstthingnmornin.Wellgetdisguisesonanpretendweretravellinminersgointnextpit,saidS.WecangothroughwoodstyourShip,love,Dorisadded.Whereyefirstmetme.emember?Christitwasonlytwowee sago!shotbac Roger.Thin Ivegotamemoryli efuc ingsieve!?CourseI nowwheremybuggeringShipis!Rogerclappedhishandoverhismouth,theyalllaughedandheadedofftobed.

SEVEN

Nextmorningtheyroseearlyandgotintotheirdisguises.Oldclothes,wor

boots,facesblac enedwithcoaldust, nittedswasti aarmbands.Dorishadherhairtuc edupunderaflatcap.Itwasdifficulttospotthatshewasfemaleunderherdisguise.Itwasdifficulttospotthatshewasfemalewithoutherdisguise.RogersbigconcernwasthathemightsaysomethingoutofordershouldtheymeetanyGermansandheandDorishadbeenwarnedto eepquiet.AfteremotionalfarewellstoValoryandWilf,thelatterbeingleftseveralaliensbrainpoulticesjustincase,theyleftbytheFrenchwindowsandwal edoutintothefields.Itsgoinwellsofar,admittedThropelyastheystrolledalong.Ayeitis,agreedStan.NosignofanyKrauts.Soyerec onweshouldreachyerShipinabouthalfanhour,lad?ThropelyasedRoger.

Rogernodded.Yes.Itsstraighton,nearapatchofjungle.OhI nowplace,saidDoris.Gotsomelovelyflowersanplantsgrowinthere.Yes,Iremember,agreedRoger.Thatswhatdrewmein.ThenIgotlost.ThropelyandStansniggeredatRogersmishapandhegrinnedbac atthem.Astheymadetheirwaythroughsometallthic busheshoweverthesmileswerewipedfromtheirfaces.Therewasaclearingontheothersideofthebushesandastheysteppedthroughthelastofthemtheysawthechec point.Therewasasmallhutatthefarsideoftheclearingwithaswasti aflagflyingfromitandsomeboredloo ingsoldiersloiteringaround.AnoldArmyjeepwaspar ednexttothehut.Christ,Germans!cursedThropely.Wecantdouble-bac ,saidStan.Bastardshaveseenus.Indeedtheyhad.Oneofthesoldierspointedatthemandcalledout.Theoth

ersunslungtheirriflesandpointedthematthegroup.Right,welljusthavettryanbrass-nec uswaythrough,saidThropely.MyShipsnottoofarpastthem,Rogertoldhim.Alrightlad.Justremembertryt eepmouthshut,Thropelywarnedhim.YoutoourDoris.LetmeanStandotal in.AsthefourraggedminersstrolledacrosstheclearingtowardsthehuttheycouldseeayoungLieutenantcomingout,pullingonhiscap.Hebuttoneduphistunic,strolledforwardashortdistancethenstood,handsonhips,waitingforthem.Gutenmorgen!hecalled,astheyapproached.


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Thropelydoffedhiscaptohim.Allolad.Wereenglish.Nospea german.Achsoenglish,saidtheyoungLieutenant,hisvoiceheavilyaccented.Thatsright,lad,Thropelytoldhim.Theyreachedhimandhalted.Behindhim,overbythehut,theboredgroupofsoldiersgrinnedandnudgedeachother.Anairofexpectancyhungoverthemandtheirboredomvanished.So,begantheyoungLieutenant,youyouareyou,hetrailedoff,obviouslystrugfortheenglishwords.Heturnedtothegroupofsoldiers.WasistenglishfurBergarbeiter?heas ed.(Whatisenglishforminers?)Prostitutes!oneofthemsuggested.TheLieutenantnoddedandturnedbac tothegroup.So,hebeganagain,youareprostitutes?heas ed.Thropelyandtheotherslaughed.Thesoldierssniggeredandnudgedeachother.TheLieutenantturnedandglaredatthem.Naelad,werenotprostitutes,saidStan.Wereminers.Hepointedtohisoldes,coaldustyfaceandswasti aarmband.Wewor downpits.TheyoungLieutenantnodded,pretendinghedunderstood.IhrePapiere!hedemanded,holdingouthishand.Papers.Thepaperswerehandedoverandhetoo themandstudiedthemintentlythenshoo hishead.Thesepapersarearearehebeganagain,searchingforthecorrectw.Forging!anotherofthesoldierscalled.Achso,saidtheLieutenant.Thesepapersareforging,hetoldthegroup.Thropelyscratchedhischin.Forging?herepeated,frowning.Heshoo hishead

.Doesntma esense,lad.Hesaid.TheLieutenantshuffledaboutandglancedbac accusinglyatthesoldiersbuttheyallloo edawayorpretendedtobetal ingtoeachother.Whenheturnedbac ,theyallstartedsniggeringandpointingathim.Thesepapersarearehebeganonceagain.Copying!avoicecalledfrombehindhim.Thesepapersarecopying,saidtheLieutenant.Copyingtheforging!calledthesamevoice.TheLieutenantnodded.Thesepapersarecopyingtheforging,hetoldthegroup.Thropelyshoo hisheadandshruggedasdidtheothers.TheLieutenantbegantosweatandloo flustered.Hetriedadifferentapproach.Weloo forescapepeoples,hebegan,escapepeoplestoto

Togivethemanenema!suggestedavoicefrombehindhim.TheLieutenantnodded.Weloo forescapepeoplestogivethemanenema,heannounced.Behindhimthesoldiersweresniggeringandtryingtosuppresstheirlaughter.Oneofthemcouldntholditinanylongerandranbehindthehut.Theycouldallhearsomemuffledlaughterfromhimandsomethumpsashebangedthehutwall.Enema?saidasurprisedThropely.Wedontneedenemas,lad.Weallhadusualdupsthismornin.Thisbroughtmoresniggeringfromthesoldiersandmoremuffledlaughterfrombehindthehut.TheLieutenantsweatedevenmore.Tuggedathiscollar.Begantowishhehadntstartedthis.Infrontofhimtheminersgrewrestless.

TheLieutenanttriedagain.Achso,papersareareTomatoes!Thesepapersaretomatoes,theLieutenanttoldthemall.Thropelyandtheotherslaughedagain.Tomatoes!?hesaid.Howcanpapersbetomatoes?heas ed.YourpapersareareTomatoeswithbighairytesticles!calledavoice.TheLieutenantloo eddoubtfulbutsteadiedhimselfforalasteffort.Thesepapersaretomatoeswithbighairytesticles,hetoldThropely,verysternly.Thropelysniggered.Tomatoeswithbighairy--hemanagedbeforeburstingoutl


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aughing.AsdidStan,DorisandevenRoger.Asdidthegroupofsoldiers.TheyoungLieutenanttoo inthetwolaughinggroupsandlostit.Hescreamed,threwthepaperstothegroundandjumpedupanddownonthem.Thiscausedfurtherhilarity.TheLieutenantranbac tothehut,rushedinandslammedthedoor.Whenthesoldiershadrecovered,aSergeantstrolledover.Hepic edthepapersup,brushedthemoffandexaminedthem.Yourpapersareinorder,hesaidingoodenglish,smilingandhandingthembac .AgrinningThropelytoo themandnodded.Youli eourlittlejo ewiththeHerrLeutnant?theSergeantas ed.Aye,itwasgood,saidThropely.Hesapompousasshole!theSergeanttoldthem.ThropelyandStanlaughed.So,whereareyougoing?theSergeantas ed.TmainmineonKlyzemadex,Stantoldhim.Wereallminers,loo inforwor .Plentyofwor ,theSergeanttoldthem.Go,hesaidandwavedthemon.Theystrolledpastthegroupofsoldierswhogrinnedandwavedtothem.Gladwegotthroughthat,saidThropelywhentheyhadpassedthem.Aye,agreedStan.Itweregood,though.AshortdistancefurtheronRogerstoppedandturned.Withoutwarningheyelled,YoureallabunchofKrautbastards!Heclappedahandtohismouthandalooofsheerpaniccameintohiseyes.

ThesoldierswerestillsniggeringabouttheLieutenantandhadntreallyheardhim.Ja?Whatyousay?calledtheSergeant.Thropelyshoo hisheadandwaved.TheSergeantshruggedandturnedbac tohismen.Nomore!Rogerpleadedinsidehishead.Pleasedontma emesayanymore!Thropelyglaredathim.Keepquiet,lad!hehissed.Shipsnotfarawaynow.I now,saidRoger,butitsthesameasbefore.ImbeingmadetosaythingsYOULLABUNCHOFMURDERINGNAZISWINE!!heyelledatthesoldiers.Thistimetheydidhearhim.Immediatelytheytrottedupandsurroundedthegroup,riflespointing.TheSergeantstrolledupafterthem.Hewasnolongersmiling.HestaredatRoger.AbunchofmurderingNaziswine,eh?

Rogerswallowed.Heswallowedseveraltimes.Ohandturnedwhite.Ta ehim,theSergeantordered,noddingatRoger.Therestofyougo.Bac atthehuttherewasahurriedconversationbetweentheSergeantandtheLieutenant.RogerwasthenbundledintotheoldArmyjeepwiththeSergeantanddrivenoff.Wherearewegoing?as edthetremblingone.SSHeadQuarters,theSergeanttoldhimcurtly.SS?saidRoger.Ivereadaboutthem.ThosearethereallycruelsadisticbrutalNazis,arentthey?TheSergeantnodded.Ha!Iveshitharderthanthem!saidRogerthenfainted.

EIGHT

Rogercametoinasmallroomwhichwaslitbyabarelightbulbhangingfromacordintheceiling.Apartfromametaldes andtwochairstherewasnootherfurnitureintheroom.Thereweresomehoo sinthewallsatvaryingheightsandthefloorunderneaththemwasbloodstained.Therewasanauraofevilabouttheplaceandscreamsandgroanscouldbeheardfromthenextroom.Groggily,Rogersatupandloo edround.AnSSCaptainwasstandingwatchinghimandtwouniformedheaviesguardedthedoor.TheCaptain,whowassmo ingacigaretteinablac holder,wasasadist


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icloo ingspecimen.Anoldduellingscarranfromthecornerofhislefteyedowntothecornerofhismouth.Hisblondhairwasrazoredclosetohisscalp.Hisblueeyeswerecoldandlifelessasasna es.Histailoredblac SSuniformwasimpeccable,aswerehishighlypolishedblac leatherjac boots.Rogerswallowednervouslyandhauledhimselfupintoachairandloo edround.WhereamI?heas ednervously.SSHeadQuarters,theCaptainsclippedvoiceansweredcoldly.KapitanKurtvonorfatyourservice.Hebowedmoc inglythenclic edhisheelstogether.Rogertrembled.Hetrembledquitealot.IdemandtoseetheCommandant,heblurted.Why?KapitanvonDorfas edcuriously.Togivehimabigwet iss!Rogerrepliedthenclappedahandoverhismouth.Theheavieslaughed.Althoughthic ,itwasobvioustheyunderstoodenglish.Interesting,saidKapitanvonDorf,sittingdownatthedes .Imsurehellbeightedto nowthat.Theheaviessniggered.Rogeredgedhishandawayfromhismouth.Itsnotmyfault!hebleated.Icantlpit.Idontwanttosaythesethings,honestly.ItsjustthateverynowandthenImmadetosayterriblethingsli eAdolfHitlerwasa i efaggotbastard!!heyelled,hiseyeswideninginterror.KapitanvonDorfstoppedtoyingwithhiscigaretteholderandstaredathim.Theheaviesbythedoorstiffened.Thescreamsandgroansfromthenextroomstopped.Theverybuildingseemedtopric upitsearsandlisten.Rogerswallowed.

TheKapitanverycalmlystubbedouthiscigarettethenloo edoverattheheavies.Rolf,Herman,hesaid,asadisticsmileonhisface,bringinthemanaclesandtheelectricprod.Rogerfaintedandslidtothefloorbeforetheyleft.TheKapitanstoodupandslowlyunbuttonedhisuniformjac et.HeremoveditandcarefullydrapeditaroundhischairasRolfandHermanreturned.HepointedatRoger.Getsomewaterandbringhimround,heordered.Rolfslippedoutandreturnedwithabuc etofwaterandthrewitoverRogersface.ThesplutteringFleetPilotsatupandshoo hishead.Hehauledhimselfupontothechairagainandalmostfaintedforasecondtimewhenhesawtheelectricprodandthemanacleslyingonthedes .Youarefullyawa e?theKapitanas edhim.Rogernodded.

GoodbecauseIdontwantyoutomissthis.Hepic eduptheelectricprodandswitchediton.Hetouchedthemetaldes withthetipandtherewasablueflashandsomeblac smo edrifteduptotheceiling.Rogerrecoiledinhorror.Weregoingto noc thisnonsenseoutofyou,theKapitantoldhim.Thissayingthingsyoudontwantto.HeglancedatRolfandHerman.Beginthetreatment,heordred.Wait,wait,Ivegotsomethingtosay!Rogersquea ed.Theywaited.Comeupandseemesometime,hebegan.TheKapitanfrowned.Illhavenothingonbuttheradio!hefinished.Enough!!theKapitanyelled.Begin!!

Rogerhidhisfacebehindhishandsandstartedmoaning.Givemeanotherchance,hebegged.Itsnotmyfault,really.RolfandHermanignoredhispleadingandmovedtowardshim.Comeonyoulittlejer ,raspedRolf.Littlebastard,raspedHerman.Please,please,givemeanotherchance.Icant--RolfandHermanmovedpastRoger,wentroundthedes andgrabbedtheKapitan.Ohtreatmeroughly!hepleaded.Ripmyshirt!beggedKapitanKurt.controlwhatImsaying,Rogerfinishedandwatchedfrombetweenhisfingerswit


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wideningeyes.RolfandHermanrippedKapitanKurtsshirt,draggedhimovertothewallandmanacledhimtoacoupleofthehoo s.Rolfpic eduptheelectricprod,switcheditonandtouchedhisbarebac .Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!theKapitanyelleddelightedly.RolfandHermanloo edateachotherandshoo theirheadsindisgust.Oooohhhh!screamedKapitanKurtinpleasureastheprodtouchedhimagain.More!More!Rogercouldntbelievehisluc .Relieffloodedthroughhimandhistesticlescameoutofhibernation.More!yelledKapitanKurtinecstasy.Thewhip!Thewhiptoo!Hermantoo asmallwhipfromhisbeltandshrugged.HelashedtheKapitanhalf-heartedlyacrosshisbac .Harder!KapitanKurtslobbered.Hermancomplied.Ooohhhhthatsbetter!Ohthewhip!Liveforit,liveforit!Liveforthewhip!Afterfiveminuteswhippingandprodding,KapitanKurtwasun-manacled.HestretchedluxuriouslywhilstRolfpattedhisbac withawarmtowelthenheputonacleanshirtandhisuniformjac et.Hetoo outhiswalletandextractedsomemoney.Sametimetomorrow,Kameraden?heas ed,handingRolfandHermansomenotes.JawohlHerrKapitan!theyreplied,poc etingthemoney,salutingandleaving.Ah,Ienjoyedthat,KapitanKurtremar ed,settlinggingerlyintohischair.Oh

,howrudeofmewouldyouli esomeofthetreatment?heenquiredofRoger.Theofferwaspolitelydeclined.Nevermind.Noteverybodyenjoysit.Nowwherewerewe?Ahyes,yousaidearlierthatAdolfHitlerhadbeenabastard.Caretoexpandonthat?Well,hewas,Rogerbegancautiously.Justabit.Hmmm.Hecouldbeabitchattimes,KapitanKurtconceded.ButhewasntallbadAgreatlymisunderstoodchapinfact.Hehadalotofgoodpointsyou now.Suchas?theemboldenedRogeras edsceptically.Well,hewasverygoodwithhisGreatAuntHelga.HisGreatAuntHelga?Whowasshe?Lovelyoldwoman,KapitanKurtmused,orsoIread.Herfamilynamesurvivestothisday.Oneofherdescendantsgavemethis,hesaid,holdinguphisfinger.What,thatring?

Nothis,KapitanKurtsaid,pointingtohisduellingscar.Lovelyfamily.SowhatdidHitlerdoforhisGreatAuntHelgathatmadehimsuchagoodchap?Rogeras ed.Hemadealotofsacrificesforher.Forinstance,therewasasituationwaybac duringWorldWarTwo.DidyoueverreadabouttheSecondWorldWar?Abit,Rogerreplied.WellthissituationhappenedjustafterDun ir whenGermanywaspoisedtoinvadeBritain.Itwouldhavechangedtheentirecourseofthewar.WewouldhavedefeatedBritainandtherestoftheirAllieswouldhavecapitulated.GermanywouldthenhaveadopteditsrightfulplaceasrulerofplanetEarth.Sowhathappened?KapitanKurtsighed.AdolfgotaletterfromHelga.Saidshewasfeelingabitoffandcouldhecomeandseeherandmaybeta eherawaysomewhereforacoup

leofwee s.Anddidhe?Ofcourse.HelefttheentireGermanArmypoisedontheedgeoftheChannelandrushedofftota ecareofHelga.YoumeantheGermanslosttheiradvantageofwinningthewarandthusrulingtheplanetbecauseHitlerwentonholidaywithHelga?KapitanKurtnodded.Thatscorrect.ThenwhenhereturnedGermanyhadlostitsfantasticposition.Soyousee,hewasntasbadashesbeenmadeouttobe.Rogerconsideredthis.Wellwhataboutthosemillionsofpeoplewhowere illedonhisorders?heas ed.


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KapitanKurtloo edabituncomfortable.Ohthat.Whatdyoumean,Ohthat?Wellitwasjustjustitwasjusthighspirits,thatsall.Highspirits!?Rogermoc ed.Dontberidiculous!KapitanKurtfiddledwiththecrossedwhipsinsigniaonhisuniformjac et.Oay,Illbehonest.Therewasmoretoitthanhighspirits.Loo ,youseemtobeanunderstandingsortofchapsoIlltellyoutherealreason.Itstopsecret.Alright,sowhydidhedoit?KapitanKurthesitated.Itwasacryforhelp,hesaidfinally.Acryforhelp!Rogersaidincredulously.Whatwasthematterwithhim?Everything,KapitanKurtadmitted.HewasntgettingtherecognitionhedeservedasapainterandEvaBraun,hisgirlfriend,wasthreateningtorevealtheintimateinsidetheFuhrerBun erstories.Telltheworldabouttheshoutingandscreamingandbitingthecarpetstuff.Thewholethinggottoomuchforhim.Wellcouldnthehavegonetosomeoneforhelp?Notreally.Yousee,theywereamongstthefirsttogoupagainstthewallwhenhecametopower.Sohejuststartedta ingitoutonothers.Onmillionsofothers.Ohalright!snappedKapitanKurtcrossly.Millionsofothers.SuddenlytheKapianspleasantmannerchangedandheloo edli ehisoldsadisticselfagain.Youlittleshit!hesaidsavagely,slamminghisfistontothedes .Rogerjumped.Sorry,didIstartleyou?KapitanKurtsneered.Abit.

Iwasjust illingafly,heexplained,flic ingitfromthedes .Sorry.Rogerswallowedandnodded.Loo ,KapitanKurtwenton,letsforgetaboutHitler.Afterallyouresupposedbeheretoanswerquestions.Hepressedabuttononthedes andRolfandHermanreappeared.Andifyoudontanswerthequestions,KapitanKurtwenton,youwontwinanypesinthiswee seditionofBLACK-JACK-BOOTS!!heyelled,jumpingupandthrowingouthisarmsinalittleJimmyMormontypegesture.BLACK-JACK-BOOTS!!echoedRolfandHerman,grinningandclapping.Rogerfrowned.Blac jac boots?Whats--BLACK-JACK-BOOTS!!echoedRolfandHerman.Rogercringed.Whatisitthen?ItsaQuizShow!KapitanKurtexplainedexcitedly.Andyoureonit!Ta ehimt

henextroom!heordered.Withgreatgentleness,RolfandHermangrabbedRogerbyanarmeach,liftedhimoffhischair,draggedhimacrosstheroomandthrewhimnextdoor.

NINE

AsurprisedRogerfoundhimselfonastageinasmallhallinfrontofanaudienceoftoughloo ingSStroops.Conveniently,theyallspo eenglish.Isthiswhereallthescreamingandgroaningwascomingfromearlier?heas edRolf.Rolfgrinned.Losingcontestants,heexplainedthenheandHermanstrolledoffstage.

AfewchordsofbrashorganmusicrolledoutandKapitanKurtyboundedonstage.Hehadchangedhisuniformjac etforaglitterygarishgoldshowbiz-typejac etwhichhadtheDivisionscrossedwhipsemblemonthewidelapels.Theaudiencecheered.HiKameraden!calledKapitanKurty.AnditsawarmwelcometoanothereditionoBLACK-JACK-BOOTS!!BLACK-JACK-BOOTS!!yelledtheaudience.Da-dar-a-da-da-daaahhh!playedtheorgan.Andourcontestanttonight,allthewayfromaplanetthatdoesnotexistanymoreRogerWhite!LetshearitforRoger!


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TheSSaudiencecheeredandapplauded.KapitanKurtyputanarmroundRogersshoulder.Abitnervous?heas ed.Justalittle,Rogerreplied,smilingwea ly.Noneedtobe.Tellusalittleaboutyourself.WellmynameisRogerWhite,ImaFleet--Thatsenough,KapitanKurtyinterrupted,beaming.Noneedtotrytogetinteresing.Li emostquizshowswespecializeinalac ofintegrity,dontwe?OFCOURSEWEFUCKINGDO!!yelledtheaudience.Wellletsgetonwiththeshow.Roger,weregoingtohavetworoundsofquestions.Thefirstroundhassomegeneralquestions,theseconddealswithjustonesubject.Withmesofar?Rogernodded.O ay,soitsstraightintothefirstroundRoger,couldyoujuststandabitclosertomesotheaudiencecanseeyoubetter.Rogershuffledoverabit.Thatsexcellent,saidKapitanKurty.Justusethebloodstainsasyourmar er.Rogerglanceddown.Thereweresomedar redmar sonthefloor.Freshredmar s.Heswallowed.KapitanKurtytoo anenvelopefromasmalltablenexttohim,openeditandremovedasheetofpaper.Heregoes,hegushed.Threequestionsforyou,Roger.Answertwoormorecorrectandyourethroughtothenextroundwiththechancetowinsomefabulousprizes.Lessthantwocorrect,hesaid,grinningattheaudiencewhowerewaitingexpectantly,anditsFERTILISERTIME!!FERTILISERTIME!!theyscreamedbac .

Whatsthat?as edRoger.Rolfshootsyou.Yourbodyista enawayandturnedintofertiliser,KapitanKurty indlyexplained.Rogerswallowed.Firstquestion,Roger.AneasyonetostartwithwheredidtheBattleofHastingsta eplace?KapitanKurtyas ed,smilingoutattheaudience.Rogerfrowned.TheBattleofHastingsmmmhhhonPluto?Theorganplayedaflatchordandtheaudiencebooed.Wrong!scoldedKapitanKurty.ThatwastheBattleofPlutoyouwerethin ingabout.Theaudiencelaughed.Andthenextquestion,KapitanKurtywenton.Itsabitmoredifficultthistimsoconcentrate.Ready?

Rogerconcentratedhardbutnothingchangedinsidehishead.Still,atleastheseemedtohavestoppedsayingthingshedidntwantto.Nowifonlyhecouldmanagecorrectanswers.Whatisthelongestriverinthe nownUniverse?Nohelpfromtheaudienceplease.TheRiverPluto!someoneyelledandtheotherslaughedderisively.Rogersfacecreasedinthought.Hescratchedhishead.I nowthis,hemuttered.TheRiverHastings!avoiceyelledfromthemoreboisteroussectionoftheaudience.Isaidnohelpfromtheaudience!!KapitanKurtyragedpetulantly.TheSSlaughedandwhistledathim.Ifyouregoingtobeli ethat,hesaid,hisliptrembling,Illgooff.Isha

Ishall.OOOHHH!!ISHALL!!ISHALL!!theaudiencemimic ed,stampingtheirfeet.KapitanKurtyraged.Ifyougoonli ethisIllhaveyouallsentdownthemines!!heyelledatthem.PROMISESPROMISES!!respondedtheaudience.Rogerwasstillthin ingabouttheanswertothequestionthenhegrinned.ItstheRiverElimontheplanetAndaz,heanswered.Ishould nowbecauseIfellin!.Theaudiencelaughed.Correctanswer!gushedtheKapitan.Youluc yluc yboy!Thatsonecorrectanswr!Isnthealuc yboy?heas edtheaudience.


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GETONWITHTHEFUCKINGSHOW!!yelledthewarm-heartedcrowd.KapitanKurtyignoredthem.Latquestion,Roger,hesaid.Getitrightandyourthroughtothenextround.Getitwronghiseyestwin ledsadistically,anditsFETILISERTIME!!FERTILISERTIME!!echoedthedelightedaudience.Anhereisyourquestion,theKapitansaid,adoptingaserioustone.Completethefollowingwell- nownphraseorsayingThesepapersaretomatoes--withbighairytesticles!Rogerfinishedquic ly.Cooorrreeecccttt!!yelledKapitanKurty,dancingupanddownandhuggingRoger.Theorganplayedsomebrighttinnymusicandtheaudiencecheeredandapplauded.Heresyourprizeforthefirstround,gushedKapitanKurty.ItsaBLACK-JACK-BSpenandpencilset!BLACK-JACK-BOOTS!!yelledtheaudience.AndnowwemoveontothesecondandlastroundoftheQuiz,saidtheKapitan.Andtofindoutyoursubjectmatter,wellplaySPINTHEGERIATRIC!!Theaudiencewhistledandcheered.Theorganplayedsometinnymusicandthecurtainsbehindthemparted.Therewasalargedisconthewallbehindthem.Thediscwasdividedintodifferentcolouredtriangularsectionsandanoldmanhadbeenstrappedacrossthemiddleofitonaboard.Nowwellas RolfandHermantoSPINTHEGERIATRIC!!yelledKapitanKurty.Towildapplausefromthecrowd,RolfandHermancamebac onstage,Theywav

edandbowedthenRolftoo theboardatthegeriatricsfeetandHermantoo itathishead.ONE!!yelledthecrowdastheygavetheboardanexperimentalpush.TWO!!yelledthecrowdastheytoo afirmgrip.THREE!!theyyelledandthegeriatricstartedspinning.Upperandlowerdenturesflewindifferentdirectionsashewentround,talcumpowdersprayedoutfromeverywhereandrollsofyellowishbandagestartedunwinding,indicatingthatthespinninggeriatrichadta entheprecautionofhavinghadhislegslaggedforthewinter.Slowlyhestoppedspinningandcametorestvertically.AndwhatwillRogerbeansweringquestionson!?!KapitanKurtytrilledexcitedly.Hermanloo edattheredtrianglenexttothegeriatricshead.History,meinK

apitan!heanswered.Hereachedintothetriangle,too outanenvelopeandgaveittotheKapitan.Thecurtainclosed.KapitanKurtyopenedtheenvelopeandtoo outasheetofpaper.Sameformatasbefore,Roger,hetoldhim.Twoormorecorrectandyoucanwinsomefabulousprizes.LessthantwocorrectanditsFERTILISERTIME!!yelledtheenthusiasticaudience.KapitanKurtysmiled.Right,heresyourfirstquestionEinVol ,EinBlut,EinRich,Einsteinwhichcomedytriohadahitwiththatsongwaybac in1940?Rogerdidnthesitate.TheLowerBavarianPeoplesIndoorHillWal ingCombo,heaid.Correct!saidKapitanKurty,beaming.Theorganplayedafewbrightchordsandtheaudiencecheered.

Questiontwo.Ahushfelloverthedeadpeopleintheaudience.Arrestedforindecentexposurein1937,JosephStalinbouncedbac afewyearslatertostartacampaignofterrortocontroltheUSSRwhichincludedforcedlabourcampsandthebrutalmurderofmillionsofinnocents.WhydidJoeynevercollecttheNobelPeacePrize?BecauseitwouldhavemeantgoingtoStoc holmandhecouldntstandbeingawayfromShu y,hispetwhippet?hazardedRoger.TheorganplayedaflatchordandKapitanKurtyshoo hishead.Wrong!JosephStalinnevercollectedtheNobelPeacePrizebecausehewasamurderingpsychop


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athicbastard,isthecorrectanswer.Oh.Laughterfromthecrowd.Herecomesthelastquestion,saidKapitanKurty,anditsatric one,sowatchitIn100BC,theRomanEmperorHadrianstartedtomarchsouthfromtheNile.HehaltedhislegionsattheCongobecausehewasfeelingabitshaggedoutbuttheypushedonthefollowingafternoonheadingfortheZambezi.Whentheyhaltedacoupleofdayslaterforasmo eandacupoftea,whatdidHadrianhaveonhissandwicheswasit,a)theprowoftheTitanic,b)awhale,c)asliceofcoldmeatord)theupperlipofChristopherColumbus?Rogerfrowned.Theaudiencefellsilent.Itwasshowdowntime.Acorrectanswerandthereweresomefabulousprizeswaiting.AwrongansweranditwasFertiliserTime.FERTILISERTIME!!shoutedthecrowd.WasittheprowoftheTitanic,KapitanKurtyas edsoftly,orawhale?Rogersfingertravelleduptowardshisnose.HESGOINGTOPICKHISNOSE!!chantedtheaudience.Rogerflushedanddroppedhishand.Orasliceofcoldmeat,wentonKapitanKurty,ortheupperlipofChristopherColumbus?Remember,itsatric question.TheupperlipofChristopherColumbus,saidaconfidentRoger,buthehadthecrustscutoffthebread.YOUVEDONEIT!!yelledKapitanKurty,hugginghim.Amidstbrassyorganmusic,pandemoniumeruptedinthecrowdFritzPandemoniu

m.Hedswallowedaminiaturegrenadeforadareandithadexploded.Bitsofhimwentflyingroundthecrowd.Bloodsprayedoutabsolutelyeverywherewell,alright,notexactlyeverywhere,forinstancenoneofitreachedVenusorMarsbuttherewasajollylotofitsplashedoverthesoldierssittingnexttohim.CongratulationsRoger!yelledKapitanKurty.Youvewonthechanceforsomesupebprizes!Thecurtainspartedagaintorevealaconveyerbeltrunningacrossthestage.TheKapitanledRogerovertoitandtheyduc edunderneaththenturnedsotheywerestillfacingthecrowd.Youseethisconveyorbelt,saidtheKapitan.Rogernodded.Therearegoingtobesomeabsolutelyfabulousprizesrunningalongit.Afterthebeltstops,youvegotthirtysecondstorememberasmanyofthemasyoucan.

AndIcanta ethemaway!?anexcitedRogeras ed.Ofcourse,KapitanKurtysaidgenerously.Didyoujustsaygenerously?Rogeras ed,frowning.KapitanKurtyshoo hishead.No,Isaidofcourse,generously.Rogersfrowndeepenedbutheletitgo.Good,Iseeyouveletthatfrowngo,saidtheKapitan.Ofcourse,Rogersaidgenerously.KapitanKurtyloo edathim.Didyoujustsaygenerously?heas ed.GETONWITHIT!!theaudienceyelledimpatiently.KapitanKurtysneeredatthem.Philistines,hewhisperedtoRoger.Theycantapreciateanicebitofliterarysurrealism.Rogernoddedunderstandingly.Soyou nowwhatsgoingtohappen?KapitanKurtyas ed,resuminghisquizmaste

rrole.Therearegoingtobewonderfulprizespassingalongthisbeltandyougettota eawayalltheonesyoucanremember.Understand?Ofcourse.TherewasaseatnexttotheconveyorbeltandtheKapitanindicatedittoRoger.Achair!Rogershoutedexcitedly.Theaudiencelaughed.Itsforsittingonwhileyouwatchtheprizespassingalong,KapitanKurtysaiddryly.Ohsorry.Thoughtwedstarted.


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Theprizeswillstartcomingalongshortly,KapitanKurtyexplainedpatiently.Ofcourse,thereisacatch!hesaid,grinningattheaudiencewho newwhatwasgoingtohappen.Andthecatchis?BLINDFOLD!!yelledtheaudience.Rogersmouthdroppedopen.Yourenotgoingtoblindfoldme,areyou?TheKapitannodded.ButIwontbeabletoseeanyoftheprizes!Iwontbeabletowinanything!Roerwhined.Thatsthecatch,KapitanKurtysaidtohim.Abitli elife,isntit?hemuseRolfcamebac onstagecarryingablindfold.Countyourselfluc y,hesaidtoRogerashewastyingitoverhiseyes.Youshouldhaveseenhowweblindfoldedthelastguy.Howdidyoudoit?Too hiseyesout,Rolfsaidwithrelish.Hotpo er.Nowstopthat!KapitanKurtyscolded.Youllhavehimblanchingagain.Rogerblanchedanyway.Theorganplayedsomebrightmusicandtheconveyorbeltstartedrollingalong.Herecometheprizes!!KapitanKurtysaidexcitedly.OOOHHH!!FANTASTIC!!WONDERFUL!!theaudiencecalledappreciativelyastheysawtheprizesstarttoappear.Nowtrytorememberasmanyasyoucan,theKapitaninstructed.Rogerwasmovinghisheadupanddownbuthecouldntseeanythingthroughtheblindfold.Puc !heyelled.

Shouldwehelphim?theKapitanas edtheaudience.YES!!theyyelledgenerously.DidyoujustsaygenerouslytheKapitanas ed.OFCOURSEWEFUCKINGDID!!yelledthecrowd.KapitanKurtyshoo hishead.O ayRoger,weregoingtohelpyou.Rogerthoughthisblindfoldwascomingoff.Slowtheconveyorbeltdownabit,orderedtheKapitan.Theprizespassedalongslowerthenwentoutofsightoffstage.Whentheyhadallpassed,theKapitanremovedRogersblindfoldandhestoodup.Nowyouhavethirtysecondstorememberasmanyprizesasyoucan,hetoldhim.Ready?ButIdidntseeanyofthem!Rogercomplained.HowdoI nowwhattheywere?Illhelpyou,KapitanKurtyoffered.Youvebeensuchagoodcontestantyoudes

esomehelp.Ifyouwatchme.Illmimewhatsomeoftheprizeswere.Right,startthecloc !TICK-TOCK!!TICK-TOCK!!TICK-TOCK!!yelledtheaudience.JustthealoudhootersoundedandRogerthoughtitwasthecloc starting.MeinGott!!MeinGott!!Itsanairraid!!KapitanKurtyscreamed.Everybodygetoutthehall!!Now!!!TheKapitanandtheSStroopsbeganrushingoutthehall.ApuzzledRogerwatchedtherapidlyretreatingbac sthenwanderedoutbehindthem.Outside,hestrolledintothemiddleofthestreetandwasstunnedatwhathesaw.Itloo edli esomethinghedseeninafilmaboutWorldWarTwo.Germansoldierswererunningaboutandta ingcoverinruinedbuildings.AburningArmyjeeplayonitsside,smo edriftingupfromit.Furtherdownthestreetwasananti-aircraftgunsurroundedbysandbagswhichwasfiringupatthes yandash

eloo edup,hesawthereason.TherewereseveralSpitfiresupthereandtheleaderwaspreparingtoattac .Ta ecover,idiot!!theKapitanyelledatRogerthenduc edintoanairraidshelter.Notfaraway,theleadSpitfirewasalreadyscreamingalong,stitchinguptheroadaheadofitwithmachinegunbullets.Confusedbyalltheconfusion,Rogerstayedwherehewas.Amista e.Alongthestreet,theanti-aircraftgunemplacementtoo adirecthitandtwosoldierswereshotandthrownoverthesandbags.Rogersmouthdroppedopenandhefelttheoldfamiliarhandofpaniccuphistesticles.


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TheSpitfirewasnowveryclose.Hypnotised,hewatchedtheroadbeingrippedapartbythetwinlineofbulletholescomingstraighttowardshim.Ohpuc !hemutteredandscrewedhiseyesshutandheldhisbreath,waitingtobetorntoshreds.Afewfeetaway,hefelttheroadbeing ic edupbythebullets.Hestoodrootedtothespotastheyrippedthroughhim.CUT!!avoiceyelledbutRogerdidnthearhim.TheSpitfireroaredpastandhefelthimselfbuffetedbyitsslipstream.Oneeyecreptopenandhepeereddown,notexpectingtoseehislowerlegs.Thebulletholesintheroadranstraightbetweenhisbootsandcarriedonbehindhimbuthedidntappeartobeinjured.CUT!!yelledthesamevoiceagain.Rogeropenedhisothereyeandexaminedtherestofhimself.Nope.Stillnoinjuries.Whatthefuc ayoudoininamamovie!?thevoiceyelledathim.Rogerglancedovertohisleft.Asmallchubbyhirsutecigar-smo ingsafari-suitedmanwascomingtowardshim.InstinctivelyRoger newhewasItalian.Whatthefuc ayoudoininamamovie!?heas edagain,reachinghim.Ibegyourpardon?saidRoger,surprisewrittenalloverhisface.Dontagimmiethatbegayourapardoncrap.Youjustaruinmascene.Whatayoudonhere?Whoarayou?Whyyougottasurprisewrittenalloveryouraface?Rogerdidnt nowwhichquestiontoanswerfirst.Soyoudonta nowwhichaquestiontoanswerafirst,eh?thechubbyDirectorsaid,loo ingRogerupanddown.

Rogerglancedroundabout.Frombehindtheruinedbuildingsthefilmcrewhadstartedcomingoutma e-upgirls,cameramen,technicians,otheractors.Allalongthestreet,theGermansoldierswhodbeen illedbytheSpitfirepic edthemselvesupandstoodabouttal ingandloo ingover.Rogerseyeswidenedashetoo itallin.Sowhatchadoinhere?theDirectoras edhimagain.SuddenlyRogerrememberedthathewasdressedasaminerandwasstillblaced-up.Imlost,headmitted.ImaminerandImgoingtothemainpitonKlyzemadestartwor there.Wellyoujustaruinmascene,theDirectortoldhim,angrily.Ah,sorryaboutthat,saidRoger.Soyourema ingafilm,areyou?TheDirectornodded.ItsaWorldaWarTwomoviewhenatheGermansfightatheBritish.Ima eitforatheGermansthatalivehere.

RogernoddedthenrememberedtherealSSandKapitanKurt.Heglancedroundabout.Nosignofthematthemoment.Timeforaquic escape.Well,Illbeoff,hesaid,startingtostrolldownthestreet.SorryifIspoildyourscene.Stupidabloodybastard!thechubbyDirectorcursedafterRogersretreatingbac.Heshoo hisheadandsighed.O ayeverybody-places!heyelled.LetsashootthatadamnSpitfireasceneagain!

TEN

Ameretwohourslater,Rogerfinallyarrivedbac athisShip.Whenhedfoundthepatchofjungle,hedallowedhisexperiencedPilotsinstincttoguidehimho

weverhadenteredatthewrongend.SomuchforhishisexperiencedPilotsinstinct.Therefollowedalongtrampthroughthesteamygreeneryduringwhichtimehe eptsteppingontothingsonthejunglefloor.Squishysquelchythingsthatscreechedwhenhesteppedonthem,spurtingupgreenandyellowgoo.EventuallyhereachedhisShip.ItwasawearyRogerwhofinallystrolledintotheBridgetopatsonthebacfromThropelyandStanandahugfromDoris.Welcomebac ,CaptainWhite!announcedAngustheComputer.Than s,saidRoger,slumpingontoacouch.Yeloo exhausted,love,saidDoris.


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Iam,agreedRoger.Igotlostcomingthroughthejungle.Angussniggeredsympathetically.HowdidyougetintotheShip?Rogeras edThropely.Ah,thatwasme,Angustoldhim.Whenthesepeopleexplainedthattheywerefriendsofyoursandwereleavingwithyou,Idecidedtoallowthemin.JustincaseanypatrollinGermanssawus,addedStan.Thatsalrightthen,saidRoger.SowhathappenedafterGermanstoo ye,lad?Thropelyas ed.BrieflyRogerexplainedaboutKapitanKurt,theBlac Jac BootsQuizShowandthefilmscene.Ahwell,atleastyegotheresafely,remar edDoris.Ohbytheway,lad,saidThropely,whilewewerewaitin,meanStantoo alooatyermainDriveengine.Ohyes?saidRoger.WenoticedaslightmalfunctionintheVariableHeliumCho eIoniserintheBoosterQuadrantotheAtomisedDeliveryUnitfortheUltraDestabilisinCompressor.Wesorteditout.Hopeyedontmind.Notatall,saidRoger.Iwasgoingtodoitmyselfanyway.Anguslaughedderisively.Youdonteven nowwhereitis,hemoc ed.Rogergrinnedsmugly.OfcourseIdo,hesaid.ItsundertheVariatingStarboarPhlangeConverterAdjuster.Angusgrittedhiscircuits.Sowherearewegoingtothen?heas ed.Thatsagoodquestion,admittedRoger,sittingup.IwanttogotoNewEarthbuwhatabouttherestofyou?

FirstthingistogetoffKlyzemadexassoonaspossible,advisedStan.Aye,bestgetstrappedinforlift-offthen,saidThropely.Doris,ThropelyandStanstrolledoverandstrappedthemselvesintoseatsalongoneoftheBridgewalls.Howaboutcomingalongwithme?SeewhatNewEarthisli e?Rogersuggestedtothem.Dontthin wellbother,lad,saidThropely.GrammarwillprobablybeasbadaswasonEarth.Wellwheredoyouwanttogothen?anirritatedRogeras ed.OuterSensorsindicateaGermanpatrolapproaching!Heavilyarmed!warnedAngus.Christwedbestbeoff!saidThropely.Agreed,agreedAngus.

TheShiproc edalittleasthemainDriveengine ic edin.Butwehaventdecidedwhereweregoingyet!complainedRoger.Ohyeswehave,saidAngus.Where?Up!Angusansweredcrisply.Shiplifting!Strapin!Toolate!Aarrgghh!yelledRoger,asnotforthefirsttimebutdefinitelyforthelasttimeonthesevoyages,hewasthrownbac wardsontheBridgecouchastheShiparrowedgracefullyintotheair.WHATTHEPRESSHAVESAIDABOUTROGERSFABULOUSVOYAGES

Itsaloadofshite!THEMANURESPREADERSMONTHLY

Abrilliantfirstnovel.Muchbetterthanhislastone.THEIRISHMAN

Gaveushard-ons!THEILLUSTRATEDLADYBOYSMAGAZINE

AstunningtourdeforcewhichruthlesslyexposestheseedyunderbellyofmiddleclassAmerica.THEBOMBAYBUGLE


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Itspoliticalcorrectnessgonemad!THEPOLITICALCORRECTNESSGONEMADJOURNAL

Leftmebreathless.ASTHMATICTIMES

Athoroughlyvindictiveattac ontheworldsbest-loved,environmentallyfriendly,two-wheeledpropulsionunit.THE2-STROKEMOPEDMAGAZINE

ToomuchcrapaboutEs imos.THEALASKANPOST.

Excuseme,werenotcalledEs imosanymore,werecalledInnuit.THEINNUITCHRONICLE

Es imos.Innuit.Itdoesntmatterwhatyourecalled,youstillsmellli ewetfuc ingfish.THEALASKANINSULT

ROGER'S FABULOUS VOYAGES, PART 3, RE-POSTED.

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Transcript of ROGER'S FABULOUS VOYAGES, PART 3, RE-POSTED.