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Research Paper Assessment Name: Irene Azoulay Date: 08 July 2012 Student ID: 265745 Email: Irene_azoulay@hotmail.com

Complete your 2000 word research paper and insert it in the space below. Then email this document as an attachment to assessment@icoachacademy.com

From Professional to Stay-At-Home Mother – Embracing

the Change through Coaching.

Irene Azoulay

International Coach Academy

CPCP

July 2012

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Table of Content

Introduction …………………………………………………………… 3 The history of the stay at home mum ………………………………. 3 The decision to stay at home ………………………………………… 4 Challenges of the stay at home mum ………………………………. 4 - What’s being left behind …………………………………………. 5 - The New job ………………………………………………………. 6 Psychological Impact ………………………………………………….. 7 How Coaching Supports the Stay at home mother ………………… 8 - Self-esteem ………………………………………………………... 8 - Self-care …………………………………………………………… 9 - Values and priorities identification ………………………………... 9 - Dealing with feelings of dependency …………………………….. 10 - Isolation ……………………………………………………………… 10 Conclusion ……………………………………………………………….. 11 Appendix A – Gallup Survey …………………………………………… 12 Appendix B– Values Worksheet ………………………………………. 13 Appendix C – Priorities list ……………………………………………… 14 Bibliography ……………………………………………………………… 15

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Introduction

Whether a first time parent or a parent with older children choosing to give up

their job and stay at home with their children, the road can be bumpy and

challenging. In this paper an explanation will be given around the difficulties a

mother can face when transitioning from her professional career to her stay-at-home

mother role. It will then go on to explain how coaching can help the mother with

embracing and enjoying the path she has chosen.

The history of the stay at home mum

The stay-at-home mum is a relatively new concept. Prior to the Industrial

Revolution, the home and farm were the focus of economic activity, and the skills

applied in the home were acknowledged. Cooking, weaving, spinning, education and

rearing of children and animal husbandry were all recognized as being essential to

the economic vitality of the family unit.

With the advent of the Industrial Revolution, people moved away from the farm to

more urbanized areas. The center of economic activity moved out from the home

and the work the women continued to do became invisible. Today the nature of the

work in the home has changed, moving away from production to more about

arranging for goods and services. The basics of child rearing haven’t changed.

The number of stay at home mothers has decreased steadily over the last 40

years. The statistics in the US show us a decline from 9.8 million in 1969, to 7.2

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million in 1979 and to 5.0 million in 2010. 5.0 million represents 23 percent of

married-couple family groups with children under 15. (Census 2010). The decline is

linked to feminist movements rallying for equal rights and equal pay for men and

women. There are more opportunities for women outside of the home.

The decision to stay at home

There is much debate over the reason the professional women are deciding to

stay at home. It has been argued that it is a choice being made by these women,

and that they are opting out of the workforce to stay at home to raise their children.

They abandon the high pressure sphere of paid work in order to stay at home to raise

their children. (Belkin 2003). More recent studies are showing that the women who

leave the workforce are not necessarily doing so by choice, but rather they are faced

with a career which does not allow for the challenges of a family, and it becomes a

struggle to have a career and a family. (Stone 2007). “One of the worst-kept secrets

of the past two decades is the quiet exodus of highly trained women from

corporations and the leading professional firms. Faced with institutions that have no

tolerance for anyone with family responsibilities, many women have taken the only

available option – just say no.” (Crittenden, 2001 pg. 28)

Challenges of the stay at home mum

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Transitioning from the professional world to the home is not always a smooth and

easy journey. The challenges can be classified as what’s being left behind and

what’s being taken on.

What’s being left behind

When in the office, the professional’s day is structured and has direction. In the

home, the mother has the whole day ahead of her that she needs to manage herself

and set her own goals. Mothers who are used to controlled environments can feel

paralyzed when deciding how to best utilize their time.

The loss of financial independence can leave mothers feeling vulnerable about being

dependent on their husbands and guilty when they spend money on themselves.

There can also be worries around the reduced family income and staying within a

reduced budget.

Professional women often define themselves by their occupation and enjoy the

prestige of their corporate position. When they stay at home they may wonder if they

are a viable person without a paycheck and a title. Alongside this, is the absence of

tangible rewards and recognition. In the home, small babies will not be able to tell

their mum what a great job their doing, and so the absence of the praise which came

so readily in the office could cause their self-esteem to slide.

By stepping out of the business world, a gap is formed between the mother and her

old friends and co-workers. The mother may feel that her conversation is not

interesting enough for her colleagues. The times available for socializing may not

coincide with the friend’s availability.

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The New job

The new role as stay at home mum does not come with a job description. There are

stereotypes around the role of the housewife. After years of considering herself

independent, and sharing household chores with her husband, she may find herself

falling into that role. It can be a challenge to not fall into the traditional role where the

husband makes all the family decisions and the mother does all the household

chores. Because of the repetitive thankless nature of household drudgery boredom

can become an issue. It’s difficult to find housework satisfying as it is never ending,

and doesn’t stay done for long. With this come feelings of non-accomplishment. The

constant interruptions from children make progress very difficult. “For women who are

used to seeing projects make steady progress (even if they have to cope with

countless department meetings), being interrupted all the time can be maddening.”

(Sanders and Bullen 2005, page 51).

The stay at home mothers can display feelings of guilt. “It’s easy to feel guilty about

so many things: “wasting” your education and your potential, not contributing

financially to your household, putting a burden on your husband….. Some mothers

we surveyed said that they feel as though they are letting down the women’s

movement: by giving up their paid employment, they are not encouraging younger

women to be independent and have their own careers” (Sanders and Bullen, 2005 pg

59)

Being in the new role as a stay-at-home mum, the mother may have doubts about

her ability as a mother. “Another low point is when you realize that a child who is

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willful, stubborn, challenging, or extremely energetic is not exactly what you had in

mind when you said to yourself, “I want to have a baby”. (Schlessinger, 2009, Pg

165)

The mother may find herself feeling lonely as she has taken on a new role, and

does not have any peers. Because of the constant demands in her life she may find

that she has no time for herself. She loses her sense of self. This loss can be

likened to grief. “When mothers lose their sense of self, they often exhibit the

physical, emotional, cognitive, and behavioral symptoms that are typically ascribed to

grief. (Smollen 2006, pg 3)

The decision to stay at home is not one which is always understood by the people

in the mother’s entourage, which can lead to lack of respect from family, friends and

society. Mothers find themselves having to justify themselves and what they do all

day. There is a lack of understanding. “In a culture that measures worth and

achievement almost solely in terms of money, the intensive work of rearing

responsible adults counts for little” (Crittenden, 2001 pg. 45)

Psychological Impact

Psychologist Jane Swigart who writes extensively on the emotional experience

from the mother’s point of view points out: “The continuous offering of physical care,

protection, and empathy can cause the care-giver to feel not simply fatigue, but acute

emotional deprivation. In this country, many mothers feel such extreme

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impoverishment they become vulnerable to disturbing forces both within and without:

depression, rage, guilt (for who can feel anger toward a defenseless beloved infant

who needs you?) and feelings of worthlessness which come from our culture’s

devaluation of the intensive labor of childrearing” (Swigart, 1991, p.49)

In a recent survey conducted by Gallup on more than 60,000 US women, it was

found that stay-at-home mums with young children at home are more likely than

mothers employed for pay to experience worry, sadness, stress, anger and

depression.

The findings also indicated that employed mothers are as emotionally well off as

their peers without children at home, which would suggests that formal employment

or the income associated with it has emotional benefits for mothers. (Gallup 2012)

Appendix A.

How Coaching Supports the Stay at home mother

The coach is a partner for the mother, acknowledging her, encouraging her and

helping her to find herself in this new role. The coach can help the mother to identify

her strengths and values and help her grow by leveraging from them. The coach can

help her to shed her feelings of guilt, increase her self-care and embrace the role of

stay at home mother.

Self esteem

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The Coach can help the mother get a good grip on the profound psychological

differences between work inside and outside the home. As mentioned above, work

outside of the home usually revolves around firm schedules, money and productivity,

with relatively short term quantitative goals. Contrast this to the at home job with

children which is solitary and informal, is intimate and emotional with long term

qualitative goals. The coach can help the client shift her perspective when it comes

to how success is measured. By acknowledging the mothers achievements, and

helping her to recognize them, more energy can be generated. “The task of building

self-esteem can be as easy as creating more positive images of oneself, which then

promotes more constructive internal dialogue and behavior” (Smollen 2006, pg 104)

Self-Care

Self-care goes hand in hand with shedding the guilt. The coach can help the

mother to see that she can be a better care giver if she is looking after herself.

“The reality is, you can’t take good care of others until you stand strong on your

own two feet. This requires taking excellent care of yourself, asking for help when

you need it, saying no to what is not on your highest priorities list, and remaining

committed to living your best life” (Simpson, 2006 p.53)

The coach reminds the mother that while her children are a priority in her life, they

don’t define her – that she has a life outside of them. The coach can help her to find

solutions that allow her time for herself which are compatible with child rearing.

Values and priorities identification

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The coach can help the mother to identify her values and assess if she is living

her life according to her values. “Many of our personal and parenting choices today

are driven by the culture we live in, the outside world, rather than by our true values

and beliefs, the inside world” (Simpson, 2006 p.2). By helping the client to identify

her values, and help her make some changes in her life to better align with these

values, will result in her living a more authentic life. The coach can help the client to

identify where she spends her time and energy, and see if they are in alliance with

her values. See Appendix B and C for a values and priorities worksheet.

Dealing with feelings of dependency

According to Lynn Hofer, a psychotherapist and research associate at Cornell

University, “Today it takes a strong marriage for people to live on one income. Often

it is not just a question of whether there is really enough money for young couples to

live on, but rather who has control over that money” (Quoted by Runin, 1984 P. 28-

29)

The coach can help the mother to find a solution in terms of the family money

management which resonates with her. By helping her see that her work has a

monetary value, (cost of childcare and housework) even though she is not being

paid, this would help her to not view herself and be treated as a nonproductive

member of the household. This could help keep an even balance of power in the

marriage. In a survey conducted by Salary.com, they calculated that on average, the

work a mother does is good for an annual salary of $112,962. (Salary.com)

Isolation

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As mentioned previously, the former professional will no longer have colleagues

and it could prove difficult to actively maintain her pre children friendships. The

coach can encourage her to find solutions to address this. By attending group

coaching sessions, the mother could see that she is not alone with her doubts and

frustrations, and take comfort in knowing this. There are support groups and play

groups which could also be explored as options for the client.

Conclusion

Motherhood is such a wonderful experience, but transitioning from the

professional world to the home can be challenging. By working with a coach, the

mother is provided with an opportunity to talk to someone who will fully supports her,

is nonjudgmental, hears what she is truly saying, fully understands her needs , gets

to the root cause of the areas in which she feels dissatisfied and helps her begin to

feel truly fulfilled across all key aspects of your life.

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Appendix A – Gallup Survey

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Appendix B– Values Worksheet (Simpson, 2006 p.15)

1. What qualities do you most resect in yourself and in others?

2. What are some ways you can enhance these qualities in your life?

3. What are some of your fondest memories as a child, and what values do they

reflect? How can some of these values by reflected in your adult life? How can

they be reflected in your children’s lives?

4. What do you really want your children to remember about their childhoods?

5. If you want to develop and maintain close relationships with your children, how do

your behaviors encourage this?

6. Do you value having a strong, mutually beneficial and enjoyable relationship with

your spouse/partner? If so, how do your behaviors consistently reflect this value?

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Appendix C – Priorities list (Simpson, 2006 p.20)

Spend some time brainstorming and then write how you would ideally spend your

time in the following areas:

Self-care

Personal Growth

Paid or volunteer work

Children’s personal growth

Quality time with spouse or partner

Quality time with children/family

Spiritual development

Interests and passions

Social support

Having fun

Other priorities

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Bibliography

Belkin, Lisa 2003. The Opt-Out Revolution. New York Times Magazine (October 26 )42-

47, 58, 85-86

Crittenden Ann, 2001 The Price of Motherhood, Why the Most Important Job in the World

is Still the Least Valued. Henry Holt and Company.

Runin, Nancy 1984 The Mother Mirror New York G.P. Putnam’s Son

Sanders, Darcie and Bullen, Martha M. 2005 Staying Home: From Full-time Professional

to Full-Time Parent Spencer & Waters

Schlessinger Laura Dr., 2009. In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms. Harper Collins

Simpson, Bria 2006 The Balaced Mom, New Harbinger Publications, Inc

Smollen, Anne M. 2006, Missing in Action, How Mothers Lose, Grieve and Retrieve Their

Sense of Self, iUniverse, Inc.

Stone, Pamela. 2007. Opting out? Why Women Really Quit Careers and Head Home.

Berkeley: University of California Press.

http://www.census.gov/population/www/socdemo/ASA2010_Kreider_Elliott.pdf

http://www.empoweringmums.co.uk/index.php

http://www.gallup.com/poll/154685/stay-home-moms-report-depression-sadness-

anger.aspx

http://www.salary.com/stay-at-home-mom-infographic/