Remnants of the PastThe Saga ContinuesAdult Children of Alcoholic/Addicts

By: Kim Smithson, CADCAdapted from the work of:

Jerry Moe

Claudia Black

Janet Woititz

The Bubble Gum Family

WHAT A STICKY MESS!

SUSPICION DISAPPOINTMENT

INSECURITY ISOLATION

GUILT EMBARRASSMENT

FEAR RESENTMENT

Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholic/Addicts

• 1930’s focus was on the alcoholic• 1950’s focus on the spouse of an

alcoholic• 1970’s focus on the children of the

addicted family• Certain characteristics were noted in

the children who grew up in addicted families.

Adult Children

Guess At What Normal Is• There is no frame of

reference for what is OK to say and feel.

• They don’t have the freedom to ask questions.

• Fantasy is an important survival tool.

• TV families, normal?• Grow up to perpetuate

the cycle

Difficulty Following a Project Through From Start to Finish

• Difficulty deciding on a particular focus for a project.

• Figuring out all steps required for completion

• Sifting through pertinent information

• Just never get around to it• Manage time poorly and

do not set priorities in a way that works for them.

Lie When It Would Be Just As Easy To Tell The Truth

• Lying is basic to the family.

• Denial of unpleasant realities, cover-ups, broken promises and inconsistencies.

• Lying at times has made like more comfortable.

Judge Themselves Without Mercy

• Judgement of others is not near as harsh as judgement of self.

• Take the blame even if not their fault.

• Convinced they are bad, jinxed or something.

• Fear failure but sabotage their success

Have Difficulty Having Fun and Take Themselves Very Seriously

• Life has been very serious often angry business.

• Much time is just spent surviving.

• They often feel different and isolate from others.

• Spontaneity not allowed.

Have Difficulty With Intimate Relationships

• Again, no frame of reference.• Come here – Go Away• Feels insecure and has

difficulty trusting.• Fear of abandonment and of

getting hurt. They reject first.• Abuse issues will be a large

obstacle in relationships.• Avoid conflict or aggravate it.

Over-react To Changes Of Which They Have No Control

• Very resistant to changes, especially quick changes, feels like a loss of control.

• Have had to feel that they were in control of their environment as they were not in control of the addiction.

• Trusts only themselves, self-reliant.

Constantly Seek Approval and Affirmation

• Messages received as a child were very confusing. Creating confusion about self.

• Experienced “conditional love”

• Externally focused.• Very low self-esteem.• Difficulty accepting

compliments.

See Themselves As Different From Other People

• Concerns about home kept one from feeling completely comfortable with others.

• Comes from a warped sense of reality.

• Often times isolated due to family circumstance and did not develop appropriate social skills.

Are Extremely Loyal, Even In The Face Of Evidence That Loyalty Is Not

Deserved

• This loyalty is actually fear and insecurity.

• Spend much time fantasizing how it can be better.

• To accept destructiveness would suggest it needed change or to be left.

Are Either Super Responsible or Super Irresponsible

• Either take it all on or Give it all up.

• There is no middle ground.

• Easier to do it yourself than to share responsibility.

• Have difficulty saying no.

• Don’t know how to be a “part” of a project.

Are Impulsive

• Lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration.

• Impulsivity leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control of environment.

• Spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up messes.

• Seek instant gratification.

How Can We Intervene To Help Get The Gum Off??

Teach Them the C’s You didn’t Cause itYou can’t Cure itYou can’t Control itBut…You can take better Care of

yourself by Communicating your feelings

Making healthy Choices and Celebrating yourself.

We Need To Help Them:• Find Their Strengths• Know What Is Safe / Not Safe• By Validating Their Feelings• Listening To Them Talk About Their

Experiences• Provide a Framework In Which They Can

Understand Their Experiences• Facilitate Them In Problem-Solving Skills• Offer Them Connection With Others• Encourage and Teach Them Self-Care Skills

QUESTIONS TO ASK

• Areas Of Focus

* Feelings

* Solutions

* Self-Care

* Safe People