Relationships

Intimacy: The Key to a Heal thy Relationship

E veryone wants intimacy. Infact a question haunting peo-ple who find themselves aloneis, "How can I find intimacy

with another person without risking giv-ing up my individuality ?' What is it aboutintimacy that is so alluring? What is it thatwe want from intimacy?

Intimacy is that quality of being close,self-disclosing, and affectionate with an-other person. It is a relationship in whichtwo people, even when apart, are respon-sive to each other. It can occur with orwithout sexuality, although it is never ad-equately defined only by sexual expression.A brief moment of intense, ecstatic close-ness with another person must not be mis-construed as an indication of an intimaterelationship. In intimacy there is a shared,sustained relationship over time. Sex doesnot constitute intimacy; nor is it a healthysubstitute for it. However, it can be a reaf-firming enhancement of shared intimacy.Couples in a truly intimate relation-ship tend to be comfortable with tactileor bodily closeness, and their emotionalcloseness becomes embodied in a high lev-el of comfort with physical touch. In fact,a relationship may suffer without ecstaticmoments. These moments can feed theroots of the relationship. While it is not anecessary condition, tactile intimacy maybe, at times, the fitting expression of closecompanionship.

Intimacy reaches the deeper levels of ashared human consciousness. It is a qualityof being in touch with the reality of anotherperson. It is having a shared internal aware-ness of each other, sharing respect for theinnermost character of each other, exhibit-ing a sincere responsiveness to each other.Being with the other person emotionallyand feeling a sense of being "fully" with theother person is a fiandamental experience ofintimacy. It is a mutual openness to sharingthe experiences of each others inner selves.It is emotional closeness, a shared empathicunderstanding and all-encompassing expe-rience of trust for each other that is the es-

sence of an intimate relationship.Whatever it is we mean by intimacy, it is

something that grows out of an emotionalfiow and resonance that is only possible be-tween two people. Emotional intimacy can-not occur between a person and a pet; it canonly occur between equals. A relationshipof bilateral affection can certainly exist . . .like that between a person and his or herpet. However, mutual affection is not thesame thing as true intimacy. For intimacyto exist emotional closene.ss must flow bothways. It must also be reciprocal, and it canonly exist by mutual consent. If one personwants closeness and the other person doesnot, the relationship is not intimate.

Intimacy docs not occur easily, and formany couples, achieving intimacy seems totake a long time. Sadly, it remains illusiveto most. It is a misconception to perceiveintimacy as an active process of relatingthat must be "worked at." It is not some-thing that can be pushed. It is a dynamicand spontaneous process, a two-way flowof caring and being cared for, of loving andbeing loved in return, of being uncondi-tionally accepted and unconditionally ac-cepting, that results in intimacy.

Intimacy is a profound gifi:, and beingin an intimate relationship is a humblingexperience. It exists under an aura of sheergrace. When it arrives, it is accompanied bya profound sense of gratitude, and it is ofi:enexperienced as a privilege. Fnjoying beingtogether without being dependent on eachother and doing things together without ex-pecting that you do everything together aresome of the joys of intimacy.

Sounds Pollyanna, doesn't it? However,this type of mutuality is really possible.Whereas prior to being in a truly intimaterelationship life might seem dislocated,fragmented, and disjointed, once intimacyis achieved life seems to take on a sense ofpurposefulness, in spite of all the trials andtribulations of everyday existence. Intimatecloseness with another person seems to pro-vide a sense of wholeness, a focused and in-tegrated purpose that transcends individu-

ality, yet does not limit individuality.The paradox of intimacy is this: If the

relationship has a high degree of empathyand selflessness, does not one risk the lossof self-identity and individuation? No. Infact, in an intimate relationship partnersare better able to share each other's con-sciousness without the loss of self-identity,since the increased flow of empathy facili-tates and intensifies each individual's self-awareness and identity.

Intimacy is enhanced when a person feelsunderstood by his or her partner, and viceversa; both partners give each other the op-portunity to see what is inside the other.Therefore, it is precisely to the degree thatone is in touch with his or her own feelingsthat one is capable of fecilitating his or herpartner's empathic responsiveness. Intimacyenhances individual identity in the midst ofdeepening interpersonal closeness. Withoutempathy a relationship has little chance ofevolving in a healthy direction. Even thoughit is ofi:en feared otherwise, a relationshipthat is highly empathetic does not risk theloss of self-identity and individuation.

Another important aspect of an intimaterelationship is each partner's capacity to bein touch with his or her own feelings. Thepsychological term for this is congruence:being fully self-aware of thoughts, feel-ings, and actions. If a person can't feel hisor her own feelings clearly and fully, thenthe empathy that intimacy requires is con-stricted. If a person is so out of touch thatcertain emotional responses are not acces-sible, then it will not be easy for his or herinner life to be shared. This will preventintimacy from evolving. People who havedifficulty being close to themselves havedifficulty being close to others.

Insofar as partners resort to deceptiveand manipulative behaviors or lack hon-est self-disclosure, their relationship is lessintimate. To the extent that one party feelsthe need to constantly monitor the rela-tionship, thus inhibiting the self-directionof the other partner, intimacy is decreased.Additionally, relationships that are unable

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to face conflicts are less likely to developintimacy. Genuinely intimate partners willfight, but they fight fair. In a relationshipwhere both partners consistently demon-strate affirming, patient, and uncondition-al positive regard for each other, there isno need to avoid interpersonal conflict. Infact, when true intimacy exists the inevi-table conflicts that grow out of two peoplesharing space and commitment are han-dled more honestly and directly. Any closerelationship is going to experience conflictfrom time to time. However, if partnersfight openly, without manipulative ploys,then it is likely that their intimacy will notonly survive but deepen through conflict.

People in healthy intimate relationshipstend to not teel the need to defend them-selves. In a truly intimate relationship it isextremely difficult for individuals to lie toone another. Body language tends to revealthe truth, and nonverbal signals go beyondall verbal concealments. However, eventhough honesty is a crucial virtue of inti-macy, honesty should never be coerced ordemanded. Intimacy is never demanding.It allows distance when distance is needed.

If the relationship is compulsively control-ling and the companion is not allowed toshape his or her own direction, then themutual respect that intimacy requires is in-hibited.

So, what constitutes intimacy in a rela-tionship? Intimacy is an intensely personalrelationship of sustained closeness, overtime, in which each partner is affection-ately and unconditionally accepted bythe other through congruent, empathic,conflict-resolving, self-disclosing, and dis-tance-respecting mutual responsiveness.The intimate relationship endures overtime. To the degree that intimacy is notsustained, over time it is less likely that therelationship will become and/or remainhealthy.

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Will Mosier, EdD, PA-C, is a Life Diplomate of the American Psychotherapy Association (APA) and serves asthe academic advisor for the Editorial Advisory Board (or Annals of the American Psychotherapy Aisociation. He has ^been a member of APA since 1997.

www.anicricanpsychotherapy.com spring 2006 annals