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CEOs, MDs, Directors,

Heads, or who ever doeswork with Brain !- can

guaranteed way reduce

stress / tension, after goingthru this article.

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Driving in India

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Subject: This is an extract from one of the articles written aboutthe driving conditions in India by Coen Jeukens, who is a functional Architect for Baan Apps Distribution. We received this from a friend,back in 2005, but is it’s as fresh as ever…. So be ready to havehilarious time and guaranteed way bring down your stress…-----------------------

 

For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India and daringto drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for survival.

They are applicable to every place in India except Bihar, where lifeoutside a vehicle is only marginally safer.

Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma, whereyou do your best, and leave the results to your insurance company.

The hints are as follows:

Do we drive on the left or right of the road? The answer is “both”.Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied.In that case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied. Thenproceed by occupying the next available gap, as in chess.

Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction, and proceed. Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality.

contd. on page 2

Driving in India

Left or right?

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page 2

Most drivers don't drive, but just aim their vehicles in the intendeddirection. Don't you get discouraged or underestimate yourself.Except for a belief in reincarnation, the other drivers are not in

any better position.

Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants tocross the road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped inthe back. Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross onlywhen traffic is moving slowly or had come to a dead stop becausesome minister is in town. Still some idiot may try to wade across,but then, let us not talk ill of the dead.

Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read

them during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister'smotorcade, or waiting for the rain waters to recede when over ground traffic meets underground drainage.

Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience

(for those with the

In a way, it is like playing Russian roulette, because you do notknow who amongst the drivers is loaded. What looks likepremature dawn on the horizon turns out to be a truck attemptinga speed record. On encountering it, just pull partly into the fieldadjoining the road until the phenomenon passes.

contd. on page 3

Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries.We horn to express joy, resentment, frustration, romance andbare lust (two brisk blasts), or, just mobilize a dozing cow inthe middle of the bazaar.

Night Driving

mental makeup of Genghis Khan).

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Page 3

Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders.Do not blink your lights expecting reciprocation. The onlydim thing in the truck driver, and the peg of illicit arrack hehas had at the last stop, is total cerebral functions add upto little more than a kill.

Often you may encounter a single powerful beam of lightabout six feet above the ground. This is not a super motorbike,but a truck approaching you with a single light on, usually theleft one. It could be the right one, but never get too close to

investigate. You may prove your point posthumously.Of course, all this occurs at night, on the trunk roads.

During the daytime, trucks are more visible, except that thedrivers will never show any signal. (And you must watch for 

the absent signals; they are a greater threat.) Only, you willoften observe that

The waving is just an expression of physical relief on a hot day.

Occasionally you might see what looks like an UFO with blinkingcolored lights and weird sounds emanating from within. This isan illuminated bus, full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans. Thesepilgrims go at breakneck speed, seeking contact with the Almighty,often meeting with success. 

contd. on page 4

Daytime

the cleaner that sits next to the driver, willproject his hand and wave hysterically. This is definitely notto be construed as a signal for a left turn.

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Unique to Indian traffic:

The result of a collision between a rickshaw and an automobile.

This three-wheeled vehicle works on an external combustionengine that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and creosote.

This triangular vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or passengers three times its weight and dimension, at anunspecified fare.

 After careful geometric calculations, children are folded andpacked into these auto rickshaws until some children in theperiphery are not in contact with the vehicle at all!

Then their school bags are pushed into the microscopic gapsall round so those minor collisions with other vehicles on theroad cause no permanent damage. Of course, the peripheralchildren are charged half the fare and also learn Newton's laws

of motion en route to school.

 Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the roadand are licensed to irritate. ========

The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise likean electric shaver.

 As the sides of the road are toorough for a ride, the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road; they would rather drive under heavier vehicles insteadof around them and are often “moped” off the tarmac.

contd. on page 5

Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi)

Mopeds

rules depicted in thefilm Ben Hur,

It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol andtravels at break-bottom speed.

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Page 5

Most bus passengers are given free passes and during rush

hours there is absolute mayhem (hell).

There are passengers hanging off other passengers, who inturn hang off the railings and the overloaded bus leansdangerously,

Steer clear of these buses by a width of three passengers.

These boards are put up by traffic people to add jest in their otherwise drab lives. Don't stick to the literal meaning andproceed in one direction.

In metaphysical terms, it means that you cannot proceed intwo directions at once. So drive as you like, in reversethroughout, if you are the fussy type. Lest I sound hypercritical,I must add a positive point also.

Rash and fast driving in residential areas has been preventedby providing a “speed breaker”; two for each house.This mound, incidentally, covers the water and drainage pipesfor that residence and is left untarred for easy identification bythe corporation authorities, should they want to recover the pipefor year-end accounting.

contd. on page 6

Leaning Tower of passes

defying laws of gravity by obeyinglaws of surface tension.

 As drivers get paid for overload (so many Rupees per kg.of passenger!), no questions are ever asked.

One-way Street

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Document End.

If, after all this, you still want to drive in India, have your lessonsbetween 8 p.m. and 11am when the police have gone home.

The citizen is then free to enjoy the 

enshrined in our constitution.

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