Positive ParentingPositive Parenting

4/2/104/2/10

Hasan A. Baloch, M.D.Hasan A. Baloch, M.D.

According to a May 1995 article According to a May 1995 article in Scientific American in Scientific American "The best "The best intervention and prevention of intervention and prevention of

delinquent and antisocial delinquent and antisocial behavior in children is the behavior in children is the

parent's involvement in a parent parent's involvement in a parent education program that teaches education program that teaches more consistent, less coercive more consistent, less coercive

discipline techniquesdiscipline techniques

Ultimately the most powerful method of Ultimately the most powerful method of influencing our children’s behavior is our influencing our children’s behavior is our

relationship with them.relationship with them.

You are your child’s best teacher.You are your child’s best teacher.

“I am persuaded that violent fathers produce violent sons.  I am satisfied that such punishment in most instances does more damage than good.  Children don’t need beating.  They need love and encouragement.  They need fathers to whom they can look with respect rather than fear.  Above all, they need example.”

The Prophet’s ExampleThe Prophet’s Example

The Prophet (peace be upon him) said, "He is not of us who does The Prophet (peace be upon him) said, "He is not of us who does not have mercy on young children, nor honor the elderly" Collected not have mercy on young children, nor honor the elderly" Collected by Al-Tirmidhiby Al-TirmidhiI prayed along with Allah's Messenger (peace be upon him) the first I prayed along with Allah's Messenger (peace be upon him) the first prayer. He then went to his family and I also went along with him prayer. He then went to his family and I also went along with him when he met some children (on the way). He began to pat the when he met some children (on the way). He began to pat the cheeks of each one of them. He also patted my cheek and I cheeks of each one of them. He also patted my cheek and I experienced a coolness or a fragrance of his hand as if it had been experienced a coolness or a fragrance of his hand as if it had been brought out from the scent bag of a perfumer. - Sahih Muslim Hadith brought out from the scent bag of a perfumer. - Sahih Muslim Hadith 57585758I served the Prophet (sallallaahu 'alaihi wasallam) for ten years, and I served the Prophet (sallallaahu 'alaihi wasallam) for ten years, and he never said to me, "Uf" (a minor harsh word denoting impatience) he never said to me, "Uf" (a minor harsh word denoting impatience) and never blamed me by saying, "Why did you do so or why didn't and never blamed me by saying, "Why did you do so or why didn't you do so?“ – Anas describing his childhood, Sahih Al-Bukhariyou do so?“ – Anas describing his childhood, Sahih Al-Bukhari

The Prophet’s Example (cont.)The Prophet’s Example (cont.)Allah’s Messenger kissed Al-Hasan ibn `Ali while Al-Aqra` ibn Habis At-Allah’s Messenger kissed Al-Hasan ibn `Ali while Al-Aqra` ibn Habis At-Tamim was sitting with him . Al-Aqra` said, “I have ten children and have Tamim was sitting with him . Al-Aqra` said, “I have ten children and have never kissed one of them.” The Prophet cast a look at him and said, never kissed one of them.” The Prophet cast a look at him and said, “Whoever is not merciful to others will not be treated mercifully.” (Al-Bukhari)“Whoever is not merciful to others will not be treated mercifully.” (Al-Bukhari)I never saw anyone who was more compassionate towards children than I never saw anyone who was more compassionate towards children than Allah’s Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him). (Muslim)Allah’s Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him). (Muslim)The Prophet said, “(It happens that) I start the prayer intending to prolong it, The Prophet said, “(It happens that) I start the prayer intending to prolong it, but on hearing the cries of a child, I shorten the prayer because I know that but on hearing the cries of a child, I shorten the prayer because I know that the cries of the child will incite its mother’s passions.” (Al-Bukhari)the cries of the child will incite its mother’s passions.” (Al-Bukhari)““Fear Allah and treat your children [small or grown] fairly (with equal Fear Allah and treat your children [small or grown] fairly (with equal justice).” (Al-Bukhari and Muslim)justice).” (Al-Bukhari and Muslim)

"Command your children to pray when they reach the age of seven and hit "Command your children to pray when they reach the age of seven and hit them if they leave it off when they reach the age of ten and separate them them if they leave it off when they reach the age of ten and separate them from each other in the beds.“ (Al-Bukhari)from each other in the beds.“ (Al-Bukhari)

Why Kids MisbehaveWhy Kids Misbehave

MISBEHAVIOR

Child Family StressParent

Child FactorsChild Factors

Temperament – Reactivity to stimuli, Temperament – Reactivity to stimuli, Attention Span, Abnormal Sleep PatternAttention Span, Abnormal Sleep Pattern

Physical – Motor coordination, strength, Physical – Motor coordination, strength, stamina, appearancestamina, appearance

Development – Impaired language, Development – Impaired language, delayed speech, low IQ., poor social skillsdelayed speech, low IQ., poor social skills

Parent FactorsParent Factors

Temperament – Easily angered vs. Temperament – Easily angered vs. eternally patient, Reacts to everything vs. eternally patient, Reacts to everything vs. non-reactivenon-reactive

Emotional problems – Parental depression Emotional problems – Parental depression impairs the ability to adequately parent the impairs the ability to adequately parent the childrenchildren

Family StressFamily Stress

Marital DiscordMarital Discord

Financial TroublesFinancial Troubles

Tense relations with relativesTense relations with relatives

Death in the familyDeath in the family

Chronic illness in the familyChronic illness in the family

Paying AttentionPaying Attention

Best Boss vs. Worst BossBest Boss vs. Worst Boss

Children like Adults respond to attentionChildren like Adults respond to attention

They don’t care what type of attention They don’t care what type of attention (negative or positive)(negative or positive)

Develop a routine for positive attention Develop a routine for positive attention (special time for each child ~ 15 min. daily)(special time for each child ~ 15 min. daily)

Praising CompliancePraising Compliance

““catch your child being good”catch your child being good”

Children like adults respond to praiseChildren like adults respond to praise

Specific praise is ideal to shape behaviorSpecific praise is ideal to shape behavior

Ex: “I like it when you do as I say”Ex: “I like it when you do as I say”

Ex: “Mom really likes it when you pick up Ex: “Mom really likes it when you pick up your toys”your toys”

Give Effective CommandsGive Effective CommandsMean what you commandMean what you commandPresent it as a direct statement , NOT as a favorPresent it as a direct statement , NOT as a favorFirm but not negative voiceFirm but not negative voiceSimple commands rather than multipleSimple commands rather than multipleGive adequate time for completion of 1Give adequate time for completion of 1stst command command before 2before 2ndnd. . Make Eye Contact with your child (yelling across the Make Eye Contact with your child (yelling across the room less likely to work)room less likely to work)Reduce distracters from the environment (TV, stereo, Reduce distracters from the environment (TV, stereo, playstation etc.)playstation etc.)Have your child repeat the command back when Have your child repeat the command back when necessarynecessaryConsider “Chore Cards” for extensive tasks like cleaning Consider “Chore Cards” for extensive tasks like cleaning a bedrooma bedroom

Using Time-OutUsing Time-Out

Give a commandGive a command

Count loudly backward from 5 (use only for a Count loudly backward from 5 (use only for a few initial weeks of using this method)few initial weeks of using this method)

If child has not complied, issue a warningIf child has not complied, issue a warning

Warning method – eye contact, raise voice to Warning method – eye contact, raise voice to louder than normal (not yelling), adopt a firmer louder than normal (not yelling), adopt a firmer posture, and say “If you don’t do as I say, then posture, and say “If you don’t do as I say, then you are going to sit in that chair”you are going to sit in that chair”

Using Time-Out (continued)Using Time-Out (continued)

After the warning, count down from 5 After the warning, count down from 5 again.again.

If still no compliance – “You did not do as I If still no compliance – “You did not do as I say; now you are going to the chair”say; now you are going to the chair”

Escort the child by the upper arm or wrist Escort the child by the upper arm or wrist and place them firmly in the chair and say and place them firmly in the chair and say “You stay there until I say you can get up”“You stay there until I say you can get up”

Using Time-Out (cont.)Using Time-Out (cont.)

Chair should be a straight back dinette Chair should be a straight back dinette chair, placed in the foyer, dining room, chair, placed in the foyer, dining room, kitchen, or middle of the hallwaykitchen, or middle of the hallway

Place it away from the wall and away from Place it away from the wall and away from things the child could reachthings the child could reach

How long?How long?

1-2 minutes per year of the child’s age1-2 minutes per year of the child’s age

Ex: 4 year old = 4 minutesEx: 4 year old = 4 minutes

Once the time has elapsed, they must be Once the time has elapsed, they must be quiet for a few momentsquiet for a few moments

After the time-out they should do what After the time-out they should do what they were originally told to do or agree not they were originally told to do or agree not to do the negative behavior they didto do the negative behavior they did

Time-Out(cont..)Time-Out(cont..)

When the child is in the chair there is no When the child is in the chair there is no discussion or argument with the childdiscussion or argument with the child

Siblings and the other spouse are not to Siblings and the other spouse are not to speak to that child during the time-outspeak to that child during the time-out

Once the child complies with the Once the child complies with the command the parent should tell the child “I command the parent should tell the child “I like it when you do as I say”like it when you do as I say”

Time-Out(cont..)Time-Out(cont..)

Certain times you do not need the warning Certain times you do not need the warning period – Ex: Violation of household rules period – Ex: Violation of household rules (lying, hitting, cursing, etc…) , Ex: (lying, hitting, cursing, etc…) , Ex: Complex tasks like cleaning the bedroom Complex tasks like cleaning the bedroom – you can give the warning and command – you can give the warning and command at the same timeat the same time

Time-Out(cont..)Time-Out(cont..)

What if the child leaves the chair?What if the child leaves the chair?Return the child to the chair and give ONE Return the child to the chair and give ONE warning “If you leave the chair again you will warning “If you leave the chair again you will have to go to your room”have to go to your room”If this is necessary the bedroom should be If this is necessary the bedroom should be emptied of any enjoyable activities such as TV, emptied of any enjoyable activities such as TV, games, playstation, etc..games, playstation, etc..Alternatives could be loss of larger things such Alternatives could be loss of larger things such as going over to the friend’s house this week, as going over to the friend’s house this week, watching TV, etc..watching TV, etc..

Child PloysChild Ploys

I need to go to the bathroomI need to go to the bathroom

I am sickI am sick

I am hungryI am hungry

Attempts to rock or tip over the chairAttempts to rock or tip over the chair

Claims he will not love you anymoreClaims he will not love you anymore

Parental MistakesParental Mistakes

Not implementing time-out until very Not implementing time-out until very angry, after having said the command over angry, after having said the command over and over againand over againLetting the child control the timeLetting the child control the timeStandard time for every infraction and Standard time for every infraction and every ageevery ageAllow the child to barter out of time-out or Allow the child to barter out of time-out or agree to follow directions once he is being agree to follow directions once he is being taken to time-outtaken to time-out

SummarySummary

Parenting is a complicated process but Parenting is a complicated process but basically involves teaching and developing basically involves teaching and developing a relationshipa relationship

Children learn from verbal and nonverbal Children learn from verbal and nonverbal teaching – Also from what they are and teaching – Also from what they are and are not exposed to (experiences)are not exposed to (experiences)

Do your best with what is under your Do your best with what is under your controlcontrol

TeenagersTeenagers

Peer groups become more importantPeer groups become more important

Most children do not rebel or act up in Most children do not rebel or act up in teenage yearsteenage years

Most of them choose peer groups similar Most of them choose peer groups similar to their familiesto their families

Identity Development is one key task that Identity Development is one key task that kids this age are engaged in.kids this age are engaged in.

Peer Groups and ReligionPeer Groups and Religion

Indonesian study, examining children age 13-15.Indonesian study, examining children age 13-15.

Changes in religiosity from year one to two were Changes in religiosity from year one to two were associated with friends' religiosity such that associated with friends' religiosity such that adolescents with religious friends were more adolescents with religious friends were more religious at year two than those with less religious at year two than those with less religious friends. religious friends.

Reductions in religiosity were also associated Reductions in religiosity were also associated with the presence of problem behavior. with the presence of problem behavior.

Families and SexualityFamilies and Sexuality

Cohesive family environments and positive peer Cohesive family environments and positive peer networks contribute to reduced levels of risky networks contribute to reduced levels of risky sexual behavior among adolescents from sexual behavior among adolescents from religious families.religious families.

Parents who monitor their children's activities Parents who monitor their children's activities and peer environments, engage their families in and peer environments, engage their families in regular activities and foster strong parent-child regular activities and foster strong parent-child relationships can help reduce risky sexual relationships can help reduce risky sexual behavior.behavior.

Teenagers and DrugsTeenagers and Drugs

Risks – Friends who use drugs, Girls Risks – Friends who use drugs, Girls having male friends, high amounts of having male friends, high amounts of unsupervised time, family conflict, low unsupervised time, family conflict, low levels of family involvement, male genderlevels of family involvement, male gender

Protective – Strong parent-child Protective – Strong parent-child attachment, Parent disapproval of drug attachment, Parent disapproval of drug use, Friends that don’t use drugs.use, Friends that don’t use drugs.

What to do if bad things What to do if bad things happen?happen?

Increase communication, talk about the Increase communication, talk about the problemproblem

Increase supervision – drug testing, room Increase supervision – drug testing, room searches, no cell phone, limiting internet, searches, no cell phone, limiting internet, etc…etc…

Change the environment – move, new Change the environment – move, new school, change after school activities. school, change after school activities.