Physics Jokes 2

8/6/2019 Physics Jokes 2

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Physics Jokes

If it wasn't for Thomas Alva Edison, we'd all be watchingTV to the light of a candle.

Allegedly at the "Manhattan Project" where the first nuclearreactor was built, security was very tight and the workers were

told not to tell their families what they were doing. During asecurity check the families were asked if they knew what theirworking parent did at work. One young lad replied that his fatherworked in a place that made light bulbs and toilet paper. Whenasked how he knew, he replied that his father brought a roll oftoilet paper and a light bulb home every day in his lunch box.

When a certain nuclear physicist went on holidays he hung a sign

on his laboratory door which read: "Gone Nuclear Fission."

All the physicists are playing hide and seek. Einstein is the ‘den’and stands against the wall with his eyes closed and counts till 100to enable all the physicists to run and hide. At the count of 100Einstein turns around and finds Newton standing there.He screams, “Newton, you are out!” Newton says, “No, I ‘m not!”Einstein says, “Yes, you are. I can see you here in front of me”.

Newton says, “I’m not out. Pascal is.”Einstein is a bit confused and starts to scratch his head andbeard.Newton says “Here, Let me explain”He draws a square one meter by one meter on the floor and standsin the middle of it and says,“Newton per meter square is a Pascal, so it’s Pascal who’s out notme”

When was Heisenberg born?Oh, that's very uncertain.

When a snail crossed the road, he was run over by a turtle.Regaining consciousness in the emergency room, he was asked whatcaused the accident. "I really can't remember," the snail replied."You see, it all happened so fast."



This sign was hung up in a physics / electricity room"Hangin' With My Ohmies"

Researchers in Fairbanks Alaska announced last week that theyhave discovered a superconductor which will operate at roomtemperature.

Absolute zero is cool!

Rene Descartes sits down for lunch at a Parisian restaurant. Thewaitress asks for his order. He orders a hamburger.The waitress inquires, "Would you like fries with that? "Descartes says, "I think not," ...and instantly disappears.

Rene Descartes (1596-1650)

French philosopher, mathematician, and scientist. Descartes' methodology

was a major influence in the transition from medieval science and philosophy

to the modern era. Notorious for his famous phrase, "Cogito, ergo sum" (Ithink, therefore I am).

In 1664, while still a student, Newton studied both the mathematics and the

physics of Descartes and was influenced by his approach through experiment.

Gravity is a law. Lawbreakers will be brought down!

Q: Does light have mass?A: Of course not. It's not even Catholic!!!

"I wish I had invented the telegraph," he replied remorsefully

Why did the chicken cross the road?Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

http://www.factmonster.com/ipd/A0679925.html

http://www.factmonster.com/ipd/A0679925.html



Aristotle and His Mentor Plato

Aristotle (384-322 BC) was one of the great philosophers and scientists of

ancient Greece. He was rather like a modern scientist: he looked at the facts of

the real world that he could see and then tried to work out new ideas from

these facts.

Plato (428-347 BC) an ancient Greece philosopher, had enormous influenceon the thought and literature of the word. He was the most famous pupil of the

Greek teacher Socrates. Most of his writings are included in 27 dialogues and

their interest was "what man's life should be". His influence on the world's

science and thinking lasted almost 2000 years.

Ivan Ivanovich, the great Russian scientist does an experiment. Hewants to know how fast a thermometer falls down. He takes athermometer and a light, a candle light. He drops both from the3rd floor and recognizes that they are reaching the ground at thesame time. Ivan Ivanovich, the great Russian scientist writes in hisbook: A thermometer falls with the speed of light.

Definition of "electron".What the US did in 1980 and 1984 (Ronald Reagan).

Seen on the door to a light-wave lab:"Do not look into laser with remaining good eye."

Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop.The cop says, "Do you know how fast you were going?"Heisenberg says, "No, but I know where I am."

Werner Heisenberg (1901–1976)

German physicist. One of the founders of the quantum theory, he is best

known for his uncertainty principle, which states that it is impossible to

determine with high accuracy both the position and momentum of a

subatomic particle like the electron.

Here's one about Heisenberg: You've perhaps seen or heard of oldinns that have plaques on the wall of a room saying, for example:"George Washington slept here." Well,

http://www.factmonster.com/ce6/sci/A0840721.html





There's apparently an inn in Germany with their own plaque. Itsays: "Heisenberg may have slept here."

When they broke open molecules, they found they were onlystuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they foundthem stuffed with explosions.

Q: Two cats are on a roof. Which slides off first?

A: The one with the smaller mew (Greek letter mu - μ).

You enter the laboratory and see an experiment.How will you know which class is it?If it's green and wiggles, it's biology.If it stinks, it's chemistry.If it doesn't work, it's physics.

Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.

If it wasn't for Thomas Alva Edison, we'd all be watching TV tothe light of a candle.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Issac Newton1: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens inmotion tend to cross the road.

Issac Newton2: It was pushed on the road.

Issac Newton3: It was pushed on the road by another chicken,which went away from the road.

Issac Newton4: It was attracted to a chicken on the other side ofthe road.

The Principia



In 1687 Newton summarized his discoveries in terrestrial and celestial

mechanics in his Principia (mathematical principles of natural philosophy),one of the greatest milestones in the history of science.

In it he showed how his principle of universal gravitation provided an

explanation both of falling bodies on the earth and of the motions of planets,comets, and other bodies in the heavens.The first part of the Principia is devoted to dynamics and includes Newton's

three famous laws of motion; the second part to fluid motion and other topics;

and the third part to the explanation of Kepler's laws of planetary motion.

A physics student was hit by a brick falling from a house. Hefainted, but came to after a while and started smiling. The

onlookers were worried, so they asked him why the smile. "I justrealized how lucky I am because the kinetic energy is only half m vsquared."

When Newton saw an apple fall, he found ...A mode of proving that the earth turnd roundIn a most natural whirl, called gravitation;And thus is the sole mortal who could grapple

Since Adam, with a fall or with an apple.

– Byron

Came across this at school, early 1950s. Funny how some things

stick!

ARCHIMEDES' PRINCIPLE

Students of physics are frequently toldOf experiments performed by great physicists of oldLike Boyles and Charles - but greatest of theseWas the Principle discovered by Archimedes.

The Sicilian King, Archimedes was told,Ordered a crown from a large lump of gold,And though the weight of the gold was completely correct,The goldsmith's eye made the King suspectThat he'd made up the weight with some cheaper metalAnd stolen some gold, that his debts he might settle.His problem was then of outstanding immensityAs he had no idea, whatsoever, of density.

Climbing into a bath he received a surprise

http://hyperphysics.phy-astr.gsu.edu/HBASE/Kepler.html





When he noticed the water beginning to rise.He suddenly snapped, and let out a scream,As he realized, with joy, his long-wished-for dream.

He found the upthrust, produced on a body's base*,To be equal in weight to the water displaced,And soon volumes and weights would make it quite plainWhat various metals the crown could contain,And so he could easily show to his RoyaltyThe absolute proof of the goldsmith's disloyalty.

Leaping out of the bath at remarkable rate,He made for the palace by doorway and gate

But the men in the street were completely confoundedTo see a naked man shout "Eureka! I've found it!"

* Is this the only error? The upthrust is not on the base, but atthe Centre of Pressure!

Polymer physicists are into chains.

Sir Isaac Newton had a theory of how to get the best outcomes ina courtroom. He suggested to lawyers that they should drag theirarguments into the late afternoon hours. The English judges of hisday would never abandon their 4 o'clock tea time, and thereforewould always bring down their hammer and enter a hasty, positive

decision so they could retire to their chambers for a cup of EarlGrey. This tactic used by the British lawyers is still recalled asNewton's Law of Gavel Tea.

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. Thebartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?"asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

WHY THE SKY IS BLUEby John Ciardi

I don't suppose you happen to knowWhy the sky is blue? It's because the snowTakes out the white. That leaves it cleanFor the trees and grass to take out the green.Then pears and bananas start to mellow,And bit by bit they take out the yellow.The sunsets, of course, take out the red



And pour it into the ocean bedOr behind the mountains in the west.You take all that out and the restCouldn't be anything else but blue.

Look for yourself. You can see it's true.

Now

The Isaac Newton Telescope has a 2.54-meter primarymirror. Total weight of the telescope is about 90 tons. Itwas constructed in the early eighties. The ING is

located at the Roque de Los Muchachos Observatory,

La Palma, Spain.

Isaac Newton Group of Telescopes, La Palma,Spain.

Then

Newton invents the

first reflectivetelescope in 1668.

NewtonTelescope

WATT is the unit of power?

Q: What did the Nuclear Physicist have for lunch?A: Fission Chips.

"Your theory is crazy...but it's not crazy enough to be true."

– Bohr

Q: What happens when electrons lose their energy?A: They get Bohr'ed.

Niels Bohr (1885-1962)

A Danish Physicist. Developed the modern atomic model about atoms builtup of sucessive orbital shells of electrons. He won the 1922 Nobel Prize for

physics, chiefly for his work on the structure of atoms.

http://www.ing.iac.es/


http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/c/cc/NewtonsTelescopeReplica.jpg/689px-NewtonsTelescopeReplica.jpg










I am a Physics teacher at The International School of Bucharest.Your site is a real treasure, and I wanted to add a small jewellery:It happened in my class...

"We were talking about the acceleration of free-fall. I wrote a 'g'letter on the board, and asked 'How can we measure thisconstant? Do you have any idea?' One of them stood up, came tothe board, and measured the length of the 'g' letter on the board,and said 'by a ruler, teacher!"

To learn more about Newton's physics, click here for beginners and here

for more advanced level. Now, you are ready to fire Newton's cannon.

Fermi was asked what characteristics physics Nobelists had incommon.He answered, "I cannot think of a single one, not evenintelligence."

– Enrico Fermi, Phys Today, Oct 1994, pg80.

Enrico Fermi, while studying in college, was bored by his mathclasses. He walked up to the professor and said, "My classes aretoo easy!"The professor looked at him, and said, "Well, I'm sure you'll findthis interesting."Then the professor copied 9 problems from a book to a paper andgave the paper to Fermi. A month later, the professor ran intoFermi, "So how are you doing with the problems I gave you?""Oh, they are very hard. I only managed to solve 6 of them."The professor was visibly shocked, "What! But those are unsolvedproblems!"

– Enrico Fermi, Phys Today, Oct 1994, pg80.

Enrico Fermi (1901–1954)

An American nuclear physicist, born in Italy. In 1938 was awarded the Nobel

prize for physics for his studies of neutron bombardment. He built the first

http://physicsquest.homestead.com/


http://csep10.phys.utk.edu/astr161/lect/history/newton.html

http://galileoandeinstein.physics.virginia.edu/more_stuff/Applets/newt/newtmtn.html



http://csep10.phys.utk.edu/astr161/lect/history/newton.html




nuclear chain reactor in Chicago in 1942 and worked on the atomic bomb at

Los Alamos.

Each equation...in the book would halve the sales.

– Stephen Hawking, in A Brief history of time (1988)

What is mind? No matter.What is matter? Never mind.

– Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875, Punch Vol 29, 19 (1855)

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier timeraising money.

– Leon Lederman

A Few Interesting Facts About Newton

• As a boy he showed little promise in school work. In fact, his school

reports had described him as 'idle' and 'inattentive'.

• He never married and lived modestly, but was buried with great pompin Westminster Abbey.

• He suffered from depression throughout most of his life.

• Newton owned more books on humanistic learning and religion thanon mathematics and science; all his life he studied them deeply and

wrote about this topics.

• Devoted much of his time to alchemy.

• Was member of Parliament.

• Served as the Warden of the Royal Mint.

• Was a wealthy man.

Physics is becoming so unbelievably complex that it is taking longerand longer to train a physicist. It is taking so long, in fact, to traina physicist to the place where he understands the nature of

physical problems that he is already too old to solve them.



– Eugene Wigner

Q: What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?A: "You may have graduated but I've got many degrees"

On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague: "This isn't right.This isn't even wrong."

– Wolfgang Pauli

It was absolutely marvelous working for Pauli. You could ask himanything. There was no worry that he would think a particularquestion was stupid, since he thought all questions were stupid.

– Victor Frederick Weisskopf

Wolfgang Ernst Pauli (1900-1958)

American Austrian-born physicist. He was awarded the 1945 Nobel Prize in

Physics for the discovery of his Pauli exclusion principle, fundamental to

quantum mechanics, according to which no two electrons in an atom may bein the same quantum state.

The Grand old Duke of York,He had ten thousand men,He marched them up to the top of hill,And he marched them down again.When they were up they were up,When they were down they were down.When they were only half way up,They were simultaneously up and down,They were merely obeying the laws of quantum mechanics.

I believe in the heat death of the Universe.I'm a Kelvinist.

Q: What do physicists enjoy doing the most at baseball games?A: The 'wave'.



Q: What is uttered by a sick duck?A: Quark!

Q: What is an astronomical unit?

A: One helluva big apartment

A hydrogen atom came running into a police station asking forhelp....Hydrogen atom: "Someone just stole my electron!"Policeman: "Are you sure?"Hydrogen atom: "Yes, I'm positive"Policeman: "Oh, I thought you were just being negative again."

Q:What is horsepower?A:The power it takes to drag a horse a given distance in a givenamount of time.

Q: Why is electricity so dangerous?A: It doesn't conduct itself.

Subject: You have the right to remain stationary.

Recently, while stopped at a traffic light in the suburbs of Bostonwith an out-of-state friend, a police car pulled up next to us. Onthe side was written in large letters: "NEWTON POLICE." Myfriend's immediate response was, "I wonder what they do. Enforcethe Law of Gravity, maybe?"

Q: What's the difference between a mathematician and aphysicist?A: A mathematician thinks that two points are enough to define astrait line while a physicist wants more data.

SUBATOMIC PARTICLE STORE

The subatomic particle store had a sale last week.

Electrons: $0.10Protons: A$0.10Neutrons : free of charge



Radioactivity - it's as easy as alpha, beta, gamma...

One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated

physics concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask,"Why do we have to learn this pointless information.""To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued thelecture.A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So howdoes physics save lives?" he persisted. "It keeps the ignoramuseslike you out of medical school," replied the professor.

The speed of time is one second per second.

The English mathematician John Wallis (1616-1703) was a friendof Isaac Newton. According to his diary, Newton once bragged toWallis about his little dog Diamond. "My dog Diamond knows some

mathematics. Today he proved two theorems before lunch.""Your dog must be a genius," said Wallis."Oh, I wouldn't go that far," replied Newton. "The first theoremhad an error and the second had a pathological exception."

I don't know if this counts as a joke, but I was there when ithappened.

Early morning Physics class filled with slightly dazed freshmen.Eager beaver postdoc teaching the class asks "The wavelength ofthe Sodium yellow line. What is it? You there!" Fortunately, he hashis eagle eye on the guy next to me, who mutters and replies "Ahundred and one?""Hah!" says the postdoc "A hundred and one what?""Um, a hundred and one, point two?"

Physics Jokes 2

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