Personal and Professional Perspectives from an Adoptive Journey:

Lessons Learned

Presenters: Kathryn Biddle, LISW-S

& Sharon Biddle

This presentation will share:

Kate & Sharon Biddle will describe their personal

experience of what the adoptive journey has been for

each of their perspectives

From this experience the lessons learned about:

• Promoting meaningful attachment

• Working with Emotional Regulation

– your own and child’s

• The importance and means for self care

Kate’s Experience

My “Her-story” that lead me to adopt• Dysfunctional family growing up• Married with 2 sons• Lead to interest in healing as professional –

over 35 years as social worker focused on working with traumatized children

• How adopting Sharon has shaped what I have learned about meeting the needs of these children and the families that are raising them.

Sharon’s Experience

• Here is my story…

Why adopt?HOPE

Parent’s adopt for multiple reasons: • Good hearted desire to provide a child with a loving home • To live life fully with the gift of raising, sharing and and caring

for children• May not be able to have biological children • Philosophical/humanitarian reasons • Single and want a child• Fill one’s own loneliness – to have someone who will love you• All your friends are having children• Parents are pressuring for grandchildren• Feel life won’t be complete unless you have a child• “Save a child”

Reasons Children Need Adoption

1. Biological parents were not able to raise them

2. Neglect

3. Abuse

4. Drug Addiction

5. Incarceration of parents

6. Mental Illness of parents

7. Illness

8. Death 9. Abandonment

It starts with Altruistic Heart• With a birth child, there is a synchronized metronome

from the start between parent and child.

• With adoption you are dealing with a different DNA and the earliest of circumstances.

• When it is your child from birth, you just suck up the differences and problems that are part of raising a child, but when it isn’t your biological child, you may find that you have more challenges and limits.

Lessons Not Told When Adopting• There is no way to be prepared for the changes you

will face in adopting a child

• You will have no clue for how this will change your life – and whatever you think it will be like, you will be wrong!

• As much as it is humanly possible let of expectations when you adopt

Dynamics that Impact Adoption

• Reason child is not with bio-family

• Age

• Bio-genetic factors

• Special Needs

• Attachment or lack of attachment

• Previous placements

• Family preparedness and resources

Trauma 1. “The person experienced, witnessed or was confronted with

an event or events that involved actual or threatened death or serious injury, or a threat to the emotional, mental, spiritual, or physical integrity of self or others.”

and

2. “The person’s response involved intense fear, helplessness or horror. In children this may be expressed by disorganized or agitated behavior.”

“…Complex Trauma is the experience of multiple traumas that occur within the caregiving system. Frequently include simultaneous or sequential occurrences of child maltreatment/neglect and domestic violence that is chronic and begins in early childhood.”(NCTSN Complex Trauma in Children and Adolescence White Paper 2003)

Complex Trauma Brain Development

Brains of children who have been abused are 7-8% smaller than children with healthy development Amygdale is enlarged stimulating fight, flight, freeze responses more quickly

Hippocampus (sorts memory and experience) and Cortex (judgment function- categorizes and processes info from the senses) are diminished in size and become slower to process. Broca (part of the brain responsible for speech) is smaller and deactivated.

Corpus Collasum, the bridge for the brain hemispheres is less developed.

Domains of Impairment

• Biology

• Attachment

• Affective regulation

• Dissociation

• Behavioral Control

• Cognitive

• Self Concept

Biology and Adoption

• Subtle variation in biology between parent and child make a difference in bonding – smell, taste preferences, voice differences, eye contact, bio-rhythms

• Chronic stress manifests in psycho-somatic symptoms

Attachment IssuesAttachment provides a model for all other relationships

Children who have not had consistent, nurturing, &

protective caregivers often develop problems with their

how they attach to others

Impacts core beliefs & relational schemata of:

• Self

• Others

• World

Problems with Poor Attachment

• Child is unable manage their emotions so they rely on primitive and frequently ineffective coping skills so they act more immaturely in the face of distress

• Children may become frightened by or guarded against emotional experience in general so all feelings may be perceived as overwhelming or as a threat

Celebration for Child – Think Again

Celebration yes, but also Grief

Child has lost:

• Birth family

• Other placements

• Sense of history/lineage disrupted

• Community – friends, schools, place

Parent’s Celebration?

• Parent may need to grieve loss of “dream”

• Problems with attunement to child because of challenging behaviors

• Parent may struggle their own self concept

“Well functioning” people, not functioning so well…

• Cannot fix the problems• Struggle to maintain own self regulation

Attunement Challenges

Challenges that adopted children present• Triggered responses to caregivers• Demands for attention - Clingy/ Needy• Angry/Oppositional• Patterns of approach/avoidance• Extreme emotional responses or shut down

Understanding Triggers

Any stimulus that acts a reminder of past

overwhelming experiences

• External

• Internal

Common Triggers

• Unpredictability or sudden change• Transition• Loss of control• Feeling vulnerable• Feeling rejected• Confrontation• Loneliness• Sensory overload• Intimacy (safety, love. Security, family)• Peace, calm, quiet

Triggered BehaviorsPain based/Fear based Behavior

• Avoid/withdraw from caregivers• Over clingy, but unable to take in support• Freeze• Appear “manipulative” or attempt to control

caregiver• Engaging in conflicting approach/avoidance

behaviors

Common Caregiver Responses

Emotionally • Reduced sense of efficacy – feeling rejected

• Guilt and shame

• Anger and Blame

Behaviorally• Shutting down – ignoring or minimizing child’s needs

• Punitive or authoritative over reacting - try to control or protect

• Overly permissive to prevent escalation

Caregiver Trouble Spots

• Usually specific situations that keep being challenging

• Areas of insecurity for parent

• Child behaviors in past that have been associated with crisis or significant problems

• Caregiver’s own trauma history & triggers

• Areas of discrepancy between child and parent – values, cultural, generational

• External stressors of parent

Co-regulation

Your modeling is essential –must walk, the walk

• Must regulate self before can help child develop the capacity for regulation

• Build a plan of coping strategies

Understand Attention Seeking Behaviors as Attachment Seeking Behaviors

Must Address:Must Address:

1)1) A dysregulated nervous system- when the A dysregulated nervous system- when the children get on the fast track to children get on the fast track to

fight/flight/freeze (survival mode)fight/flight/freeze (survival mode)

2)The need for the caregivers to be able to2)The need for the caregivers to be able to support the child to feel and act safe. support the child to feel and act safe.

Spiritual Masters

• Children are always teaching us about ourselves and challenging us to live up to our highest values

• Challenge is how much we have to be self aware and regulate ourselves to skillfully and constructively respond to real needs of child

Emotional Regulation

All Feelings are OKFeelings may comfortable or uncomfortable

But they are guides to us pay attention to what is needed

Feelings come and go –Feelings that arise are normal given what we are dealing with

We are not responsible for what we feel, but…

Behavioral Regulation Our Own

Behaviors can be OK and Not OK

Does our behavior solve the problem and take

care of the need?

Must Not Do More HARM!

Behavioral Control – YOURS!

Self Discipline is TOP PRIORITY!

Discipline should focus on safety

& well being

Take your time: • What is the purpose of child’s behavior?

• What do you want to child to learn?

• Not punitive - this is a challenge because of our own deeply engrained reactivity

All behavior serves a purpose

How we understand the behavior makes a big difference in our response

Must :• Not Personalize• Be aware of how realistic expectations are for child’s capabilities • Tune into and show respect for child’s feelings

before addressing behavior

Regular Routines & Rules

Creates sense of safety and predictability

Decreases power struggles

Must be flexible so child can be successful

Self ConceptSelf ConceptInherit web of child’s life forever

May be enriching but complicated

Reunification with Bio-parents?

Have Fun!

ABC’s of Self Care

A. Awareness

B. Balance

C. Connectivity

Awareness

• Requires time and quiet for reflection

• Claim the space you need • Mindfulness• Grounding

Cultivating Self Awareness

• Physical sensations • Emotions• Thoughts• Limits• Resources

Sets the stage for responsiveness and self care

Attend to Mind ? Reality

It’s impossible to have a good relationship with my child!

I am doing the best that I can and so is my child! This too shall pass and we can grow from this

with patience.

How does each statement make you feel in the body?

How does each statement make you feel emotionally?

How does each statement effect your ability to move through changes?

Which statement is helpful?Which statement is accurate?

Pessimism OptimismTo change your thinking from thinking from one of pessimism

to optimism you need to

Notice the P’s of your thinking: - Pervasive - Permanent - Personal

And look for the C’s of optimism: - Challenge - Control - Commitment

So in other words, you must quit P-ing on yourself & start C-ing things in new ways!

Balance is the Aim

Between both life activities and within self

Play

Work

Rest

Discipline Compassion

Action Reflection

Practice Self Care

Take Care of:• Body• Emotions• Mind• Environment

What do you look for?

Cultivate an Attitude of Gratitude

On Purpose

Connection to Others

It takes a village: Need support from our families, partners, friends, colleagues,

and organizations, to maintain our commitments

Supports by showering us with encouragement and holding us accountable

We are constantly creating the culture we live in by the attitudes we hold, the choices we make.

Need to actively and regularly get together with others to buffer the challenges we face.

Loving Kindness Meditation

Final Thoughts

The Good outweighs the Bad 10 fold!

We are all enriched and grow in this process!