No Hitting!A Short Guide on Why Spanking is Unnecessary

Skyler J. Collins

Everything-Voluntary.com

Published 2015 by Skyler J. CollinsVisit: www.skylerjcollins.com

Cover design by KindleBookeCovers.com

Licensed under Creative CommonsAttribution 4.0 International

ISBN-13: 978-1511708210ISBN-10: 1511708212

To the children, and the child within.

CONTENTS

Preface i

1 Introduction 1

2 Preventing Misbehavior 5

3 Hurting Themselves or Others 10

4 Discipline and Toughness 16

5 Respect and Obedience 22

6 Divine Mandate 29

Further Reading 37

About the Author 39

iPREFACE

Here it is, my third published work and secondwritten entirely by myself. Everything Voluntary:From Politics to Parenting was an anthology Iedited and self-published in May of 20121, as aprimer to the philosophy of voluntaryism. Toward aFree Society: A Short Guide on Building a Culture ofLiberty I wrote between December 2014 andJanuary 2015 as a series of columns at Everything-Voluntary.com and published soon thereafter inbooklet form2. The present work likewise began lifeas a series of columns at Everything-Voluntary.com.

1 Available in several formats at https://skyler.link/evcbook12 Available in several formats at https://skyler.link/evcbook2

SKYLER J. COLLINS

ii

My hope with this booklet is to change yourfamily life for the better. I want you to have thebest relationship with your children as you possiblycan. Like me, you may have had them for thisreason: to enrich your life now and later. I amfirmly opposed to the idea that punitive- orviolence-based parenting is compatible with thesegoals. This booklet begins the exploration on why,but to really get the most it has to offer, payattention to the footnotes and Further Reading atthe end. If I had to recommend two books to giveyou the tools necessary to raise your children right,those would be Parent Effectiveness Training byThomas Gordon3 and Peaceful Parent, Happy Kidsby Laura Markham.4

I would like to thank my friend Chris Brown forintroducing me to Unconditional Parenting by AlfieKohn, who likewise has my sincerest gratitude. Andwere it not for my loving wife, Julieta, I would nothave the amazing children that I do, nor would Ihave had the support I needed to change from aviolent and punitive father toward someone mychildren deserve.

3 Available in several formats at http://skyler.link/amznpet4 Available in several formats at http://skyler.link/amznpphk

11 INTRODUCTION

The practice of spanking children in particular,and child punishment in general, was abandoned inmy family in August of 2011.5 We've never lookedback. Sure my children have had their difficultmoments, but I've managed to find better ways tohelp them through than with spanking or time-outs. In every case, I found and dealt with theunmet need that caused the problem, or failingthat, got them through their trouble with empathy,compassion, and humor. I am now completelyunconvinced that spanking, or any punishment ofchildren, is ever necessary. So I thought I'd writethis booklet examining the reasons people give for

5 Read Post-Punitive Parenting by the author athttp://skyler.link/sjcpostpunitive

SKYLER J. COLLINS

2

these archaic practices, with emphasis on theworst form of child punishment, spanking.

Reasons for SpankingMany are the reasons caretakers give for

spanking their children. They were likely spankedthemselves and believe they "turned out just fine,"so they've decided to continue the practice. Theirparenting tool box contains just a few tools fordealing with conflicts between them and theirchildren; the spanking tool sits conveniently at thetop. Aside from conflicts, many reasons concernthe belief that children need to be spanked. Hereare the reasons that I'll address in this booklet:

To prevent a child from misbehaving, byteaching consequences.

To keep a child from hurting themselves; tokeep a child from hurting others.

To discipline a child to become a properadult; to toughen up a child to live in a cruelworld.

To teach a child respect, and obediencetoward authority.

To raise a child the way God says we should.

NO HITTING!

3

Unmet NeedsThe best approaches I've discovered to raising

children are founded on the idea that children haveneeds, and in their attempt to meet them, theymake mistakes. Put another way, every act of so-called "misbehavior" is in reality a failed attempt bythe child to meet his own needs.6 The unmet needis sometimes obvious (he's antsy and needs tomove), but often not (he's angry because of theactions of someone or something unrelated to thecurrent situation; hes hungry; hes tired). If we ascaretakers shift our focus from "discipline" todetermining and meeting our children's needs, theidea that spanking is unnecessary becomesobvious.

As I hope to show throughout this booklet,children don't need to be spanked. Ever. What theyneed is our empathy, compassion, focus, andwillingness to dig as deep as necessary todetermine what needs of theirs we're failing tomeet that's causing them to behave in undesirableways. And sometimes we just need to reexamineour own expectations of how children of any age

6 Read Children Dont Really Misbehave by Thomas Gordonat http://skyler.link/ncptgmisbehave

SKYLER J. COLLINS

4

should behave.7 They're often doing exactly as theyshould considering their unmet needs and theirmaturity.

7 Read Ten Ways We Misunderstand Children by Jan Huntat http://skyler.link/ncp10ways

52 PREVENTING MISBEHAVIOR

Many caretakers justify their use of spankingand punishments as a way to prevent what theyperceive as misbehavior. They believe that childrenwon't learn to behave properly if their misbehavioris not met with undesirable consequences. Childrendislike being hit, so it's believed that children willcease behaving improperly in order to avoid gettinghit. Let's put aside any empirical evidence on theeffectiveness of spanking for this reason, andinstead focus on why it's unnecessary.

Needs-based BehaviorI don't believe that anyone, children included,

does anything out of sheer randomness. Rather,human action is purposeful, which purpose is

SKYLER J. COLLINS

6

ultimately the meeting of our need to alleviate ourfelt uneasiness about the state of things around us.This is the great insight discovered by economistLudwig von Mises in the early 20th Century. Hewrote, "The incentive that impels a man to act isalways some uneasiness." And he proved it with,"A man perfectly content with the state of hisaffairs would have no incentive to change things."8

Therefore, Acting Man, or Acting Child, is behavingin such a way as to remove his felt uneasiness. Hisactions may or may not meet this need, butbecause he has faith that they will, he acts.9

MisbehaviorUnfortunately for the child his actions are

sometimes viewed unfavorably by his caretakerand labelled as "misbehavior". Is that because theyare inherently unfavorable? If they are the wrongactions to meet the child's needs, then I supposewe could say that, but that's from the child'sperspective. From the caretaker's, thecharacteristic of "unfavorable" or "bad" is purely asubjective determination; the behavior bothers the

8 See the Mises Wiki entry for Uneasiness athttp://skyler.link/misesuneasiness9 Read Action, Faith, and Voluntaryism by the author athttp://skyler.link/evcactionfaith

NO HITTING!

7

caretaker (and possibly others) in some way. Whyit bothers the caretaker is the caretaker'sprerogative. Should the child be punished for theopinion of the caretaker? If the child's behavior isdamaging towards himself or others (or theirproperty), the caretaker has every right tointervene, but what is the point of the caretakerreacting violently or punitively to the child in error?

Spanking Mistreats the SymptomThe only point that I can see is that the parent

has yet to work out his own problems, likely havinga cause in childhood, and erroneously employs thewrong means to alleviate his own feeling ofuneasiness.10 However, spanking the child for hismisbehavior is treating the symptom, and amistreatment at that. Why is the childmisbehaving? I can think of only three reasons: 1)the child is not actually misbehaving, he's justbehaving in a way that annoys his caretaker, 2) thechild has faith in the wrong means to achieve hisdesired ends, and 3) some need of the child's thatcan only be provided by his caretaker has goneunmet, leading to confusion and anger.

10 Read Five Reasons Not to Have Children by DanielMackler, particularly the first and third reasons, athttp://skyler.link/wtn5reasons

SKYLER J. COLLINS

8

Will spanking properly treat any of thesecauses for misbehavior? Let's see. On 1), spankingis an irrational reaction by the caretaker that willonly cause pain and resentment. Rather thanspanking, perhaps the caretaker could re-evaluatewhat he finds annoying, and try to view thesituation in a new light. And/or, he could ask thechild for a moment, seek to understand why thechild is doing what he's doing, and negotiate a wayto help him meet his need without annoying hiscaretaker.11 On 2) likewise, spanking will cause painand resentment, and it doesn't do anything toteach the child proper means to achieve his desiredends. Instead of spanking, the caretaker could onceagain seek understanding and negotiate with thechild a better way to meet his needs. On 3),spanking ignores the unmet needs, and createsnew ones. Clearly, the caretaker could figure out,by himself or in league with other caretakers,where he's failed to meet his child's needs (andthey are not few), and then attempt to make thingsright. It's even a possibility that the child can help

11 Read Why Negotiate with Children? by the author athttp://skyler.link/evcnegotiate

NO HITTING!

9

the caretaker figure out where things wentwrong.12

As can be seen, spanking is unnecessary as atool to prevent misbehavior. We're all trying thebest we can to meet our need to remove feltuneasiness about the state of things around us.Children are no different, other than their lack ofknowledge and wisdom. They will no doubt"misbehave" as a matter of trying to figure thingsout for themselves. Responding with violence istotally unnecessary and quite counterproductivewhen you understand the causes - and their cures -for so-called misbehavior.

12 Read Chapter 3, Active Listening: The Language ofAcceptance of Parent Effectiveness Training, by ThomasGordon at http://skyler.link/petactivelistening

10

3 HURTING THEMSELVES OR OTHERS

It might seem logical to cause a child pain inorder to teach him what pain feels like, so that he'llrefrain from hurting himself or others.Unfortunately, when a caretaker intentionally hurtshis child, he's doing far more than teaching himwhat pain feels like, as well as ignoring thealternatives to teaching him to be safe and to keephis hands to himself. I'll explore both scenarios tosee why spanking is unnecessary.

Hurting ThemselvesTouching a hot stove, sticking a fork in an

electrical socket, running into the street, these arejust three of the countless ways our children canunintentionally hurt themselves. What's going on

NO HITTING!

11

here when children do this? They're being curious.They don't know or haven't experiencedsomething, and they want to. What better way tosatisfy their curiosity than through approach andtouch? Their ignorance of the full scope ofpotential consequences to their curiosity can getthem into some real trouble. What should wecaretakers do? Should we immediately interveneand give them a spanking and a scolding, "Don't dothat!"? That might work, at least to the point ofmaking them think twice before engaging in thatparticular bout of curiosity (diminishing the instinctin the process). But since there're a thousand plusways for children to hurt themselves, will spankingprotect them from every way?

I don't think so. Besides the costs of spanking,which I'll get to below, spanking, as I showed in thelast chapter, does nothing to address the needs ofthe child, nor prepare him for the future. Thedesire to touch a hot stove is an attempt to meet achild's need to know what's going on up there,what his caretaker is up to. Rather than spanking,it's been my experience that lifting the child up tosee what's going on and telling him about thedanger in touching the stove - and even showingthe child by touching it myself and making "Ouch!"sounds - has been sufficiently effective. Same goes

SKYLER J. COLLINS

12

for electrical outlets and running into the street.Simply explain or show the danger to the child, andjust as importantly, follow that up with a request toseek your help when they want to see what's goingon, to figure out something, or to cross the street.And of course, until they've learned to be carefulthrough your consistent and respectful guidance,little children probably shouldn't be left alone inthe face of certain types of dangers. Although, Ithink some dangers are quite okay to experiencefirst-hand. "Experience is a great teacher," as JohnLegend put it.

Hurting OthersChildren can hurt others either by accident or

on purpose. Accidents can be dealt with on thesame basis as when children accidentally hurtthemselves (see above), but what about when onechild intentionally hurts another child? Should thechild be spanked (hit) to learn that hitting others iswrong? That's a contradictory message. On the onehand one, it teaches the child that if he hurtssomeone else, he will be hurt himself. And on theother hand, it teaches the child that hitting is notalways wrong, that is, hitting is okay when you arebigger and are trying to teach someone smaller not

NO HITTING!

13

to hit. Ultimately, it teaches that the strong mayuse violence over the weak.

The more important question, however, is whydoes one child feel it necessary to hit anotherchild? What compels him to employ such violentmeans? He clearly feels uneasy about the state ofthings around him, and desires to change them.Maybe the other child has an interesting toy. Ormaybe the other child initiated the violence. Ineither case, the child is limited in his knowledge ofthe appropriate means to achieve his desired ends.Spanking the child fails to address this. What thechild needs is the guidance to meet his needsproperly. I covered several alternatives in the lastchapter, but more, he might need some helpunderstanding the effects his violence has onothers. Describe for him how the other child isfeeling now that he's been made to feel pain, andask the child about why he felt it necessary to useviolence to get what he wants. Explore thesituation with him in a compassionate andrespectful way, probably at a time after the stress-induced cortisol levels in his brain have receded.Besides the contradictory message, there are othercosts to a caretaker inflicting pain on his child.

SKYLER J. COLLINS

14

Inflicting PainIn my opinion, there are serious costs to the

relationship between people when the bigger andstronger party claims the right to inflict pain on thesmaller and weaker one. How many adultrelationships would last under this arrangement?How many kid relationships would last? It makesme wonder how many caretaker/childrelationships would last under this arrangement ifthis right to inflict pain didn't also include the rightto force the association or the fact of dependencyby the child on the caretaker. Such a relationship isalready quite unequal, with all power residing onone side. The only recourse the child has is feelingsomething intense toward his treatment.Resentment and anger destroys relationshipsbecause it destroys the trust and love thatrelationships depend on. It also incentivizes thechild to disassociate as often as possible and coverup behavior that would earn him a spanking.

Does a child who's hurt another child"deserve" to be hurt? Maybe; maybe not. But isthat the wisest course of action if the goal is toraise a child who learns to respect and havecompassion for others? Children who aren't givenrespect and compassion when they need it themost, during these times of weakness and

NO HITTING!

15

ignorance, never learn the value and importance ofrespect and compassion. The intentional inflictionof pain from caretaker to child is not onlyunnecessary, but counter-productive if the desire isto live in a world filled with respectful andcompassionate people.

Pain is a natural part of life. It doesn't need tobe arbitrarily created to experience. When childrenare in danger of hurting themselves, it's becausethey lack knowledge and wisdom. Such ignorancealso leads to children using violence to get whatthey want. The remedy to ignorance is notspanking, or any other kind of punishment. Rather,the remedy is respectful and compassionateguidance by a trusted caretaker, and the resultantlife experience.

16

4 DISCIPLINE AND TOUGHNESS

It is said that we live in a cruel and heartlessworld. To send our children out into that cruelworld as innocent, fluffy bunnies would be likepulling the trigger of the gun pressed against theirtemples ourselves. How many people sincerelybelieve this? That without "discipline" to teachthem safe behavior and the requisite "toughness"to defend themselves, they'll fall prey to thelegions of predators that won't hesitate to pounceon them the moment they cross the threshold.How does any caretaker ever let their child out oftheir sight? And even more baffling, how are thereany children anywhere? What a pessimistic, nay,cynical view of the world, completely unsupported

NO HITTING!

17

by the facts.13 Do children need spanking- orpunishment-based discipline? Do they need theircaretaker to toughen them up through violence?Let's see.

Discipline"Discipline" is poorly used, and has been for a

while. From the Latin disciplina, it originally meant,"instruction given, teaching, learning, knowledge."To guide, in other words. At what point did it takeon a violent connotation? Probably when it startedbeing used in a military context. To be made to usethe extreme amounts of violence found in war, onemust be disciplined quite harshly. When defendingviolent parenting practices today, people say thingslike "But kids need discipline, or else [somethingbad happens]." A clever euphemism to hide thefact that what is being claimed is that childrenneed to be hit, to be the recipients of violence andmade to feel pain by someone far more powerfulthan they. But do they?

If we're raising soldiers, people to follow ourcommands of death and destruction, then we likelydo need to utilize harsh violence-based discipline inorder to mold them into unrepentant killers. But

13 See Crime Statistics at FreeRangeKids.com athttp://skyler.link/frkcrimestats

SKYLER J. COLLINS

18

I'm not raising killers, and I doubt you are either.Rather, I'm raising people who I hope will think andact for themselves. I, too, believe in discipline, butas it was originally used: to guide. How effective isviolence at guiding children to think and act forthemselves? Violence teaches that one is master ofthe other, and may use violence to control how theother thinks and acts. Criminals and lawmakersknow this. That's why they employ it. If our goal ascaretakers is raising children to think and act forthemselves, then they must be disciplined - guided- in nonviolent and noncoercive ways. Such startswith compassion14 and respect15, and continueswith love16, example17, negotiation18, and activelistening.

14 Read Raising Children Compassionately by MarshallRosenberg at http://skyler.link/evccompassion15 Read Whence Cometh Respect? by the author athttp://skyler.link/evcrespect16 Read Love Cups and Love Languages by the author athttp://skyler.link/evclovecups17 Read Teaching Children Respect by Pam Leo athttp://skyler.link/ncprespect18 Read Chapter 11, The No-Lose Method for ResolvingConflicts of Parent Effectiveness Training by Thomas Gordonat http://skyler.link/petnolose

NO HITTING!

19

ToughnessHonestly, I wonder what people mean when

they say that kids need to learn to be tough. Dothey mean that they need to be able to take aninsult? Or to take a hit? Or to take a beating? Thisworldview that kids should be toughened upthrough parental aggression if they are to survive"in the real world" seems more a symptom of pastabuse than of an accurate portrayal of reality.Cruelty, I think, is learned. When certain childrenare abused, they grow callous and resentful, andlook for healing through abusing others, because itmakes them feel powerful and in control.19 Bulliesare made, not born, and when they becomecaretakers, they perpetuate the cycle of abuse,unless they learn and commit to a better way.

If the world is, in general, cruel and heartless,then it's because caretakers keep raising andreleasing cruel and heartless people into the world.I agree with L. R. Knost who wrote, It's not our jobto toughen our children up to face a cruel andheartless world. It's our job to raise children whowill make the world a little less cruel and

19 Read Natural Born Bullies by Robin Grille athttp://skyler.link/evcbullies

SKYLER J. COLLINS

20

heartless.20 It is my position that spanking andpunishment does indeed "toughen up" ourchildren, but it does so at considerable costs, asI've gone over in previous chapters. But I wonder, isthere another way to toughen our children to standup to bullies without sacrificing our relationshipwith them or their psychological development?

I think so. Much of what I wrote in my booklet,Toward a Free Society, presents an alternative tobuilding toughness.21 As was my thesis, if liberty isto be maintained, its violation must producefeelings of moral outrage in people. Moral outrage(disgust and anger) is a result of their socialization,enculturation, and education. When people aresocialized and enculturated to expect liberty, theyare much more likely to fight to preserve it.Likewise for peace. If we raise our children inpeace, with respect, then when someone comesalong - a bully - bent on treating them differently,they'll recognize him for what he is and theaccompanying moral outrage will provide theconfidence and strength to stand up to him. Ratherthan being tough as a result of being abused, they

20 Read Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting throughthe Ages and Stages by L. R. Knost, available in severalformats at http://skyler.link/amzn2000kisses21 Available in several formats at http://skyler.link/evcbook2

NO HITTING!

21

are tough as a result of being treated with respect.That seems like an acceptable alternative to me.

I don't think the world is always cruel andheartless. There are many good and wonderfulthings about it; my wife and children, for starters. Ivalue discipline and toughness, but I see no reasonto consider spanking as a necessary practice toproduce them. Many have been disciplined andtoughened up as a result of being raised byrespectful, loving, and compassionate caretakers. Istrive every day for my children to be countedamong them.

22

5 RESPECT AND OBEDIENCE

Raise your hand if you want respectful andobedient children. What a magical place it wouldbe if our children were to obey our every commandand never show even a hint of disrespect towardus! On second thought, while perfectly respectfuland obedient little robots would be nice, I'm notsure I want my children as such happy slaves (anoxymoron if there ever was one). Rather, I thinktheir respect and obedience would mean more tome if I knew each was a genuine, thoughtful showof love as their caretaker and confidant. Willspanking and punishments get me there? I don'tbelieve so.

NO HITTING!

23

RespectRespect is both a noun and a verb, but their

meanings are similar: to treat with, or to have,"deferential regard or esteem", about sums it up.What does that mean in practice? To have a feelingof respect toward something, one regards them, orit, with "kindly feelings which springs fromconsideration of estimable qualities." Estimable(admirable) is like beauty or worth, it's subjective, adetermination made in the minds of thoseconsidering said qualities.

Origins of RespectIf respect is the result of kindly feelings, which

are a result of considering certain qualities asestimable, which is a subjective determination,then it follows that respect, too, is also subjective.What is considered respectful behavior, like what isconsidered beautiful art, differs from person toperson. As people are social animals, there is likelygeneral agreement on what constitutesrespectfulness in a given society, though likepeople, not every society will consider the samebehaviors as respectful or disrespectful.

As respect is felt, people will behaverespectfully toward other people if they not onlyunderstand what that person considers respectful,

SKYLER J. COLLINS

24

but desire to treat that person respectfully. Thefirst is primed through a general knowledge ofwhat constitutes respectfulness in a given society,as mentioned, but the second must be preceded bythe act of bonding.

BondingTreating someone respectfully, like all

purposeful behavior, is a means to an end (whichend may also be a means to an end, of course).Which end? Likely, at least, the maintenance of avalued relationship. How do relationships becomevalued? Through bonding. When people bond, theyget to know one another on a personal level. Theylearn about each others needs, wants, andaspirations. They learn about interests they sharein common. They become friends and feelings ofmutual-admiration and -regard develop. And theybecome more familiar with each others qualities,like temperament or intelligence. Each person thenassigns worth to those qualities and determines forthemselves whether or not the other deservestheir respect (to be treated with respectfulness). Asimportantly, the bonding also serves as a way tocommunicate, verbally or not, what respect meansto each person so that the other has moreknowledge with which to work from.

NO HITTING!

25

ChildrenNow, if respect is earned through bonding,

then those who've bonded with a person will mostlikely receive their respect. This seems to start ininfancy. As baby suckles mother's breast, their eyeslock, and through both touch and sight, theybond.22 Thus begins respect. As baby grows andbegins to learn more about the world around him,he, hopefully, bonds with others besides hismother. As bonds are built, what the childunderstands as respectful behavior is developed.Though he's still immature and will likely behavedisrespectfully toward others, so long as he'sregarded properly as a growing child23 and treatedwith respect by others, he will eventually comearound to being more mindful of how respectful hisbehavior is perceived by those he cares about, andsoon the rest of society.

So, do children need spanking andpunishments to learn respect? Hardly. Genuinerespect isn't earned through the use of violence.Instead of earning respect, such practices earn fear

22 Read Bonding with Your Newborn by William Sears athttp://skyler.link/apbonding23 Read Ten Ways We Misunderstand Children by Jan Huntat http://skyler.link/ncp10ways

SKYLER J. COLLINS

26

and resentment.24 In my experience, children whoare perpetually disrespected in these ways neverlearn self-respect and have a much harder timedeveloping bonds with others, certainly with theirown caretakers (as well as developing otherproblems25). As shown above, bonding, notspanking, is the path a caretaker must take to earnthe respect of their children.

ObedienceSpanking and punishment sure can create a

culture of obedience within a caretaker-childrelationship. But why do such children obey? Is itbecause they have genuine love and respect fortheir caretaker, believing such feelings arereciprocated, and desire to make their caretakerhappy by being helpful? Or is it because they fear aspanking? Most likely, the latter. Now, you mightwant obedience on such terms with your children,but I don't. Why not? Because fear-basedobedience will only persist so long as children havereason to fear you. As dependent little minions,

24 Read Why Do We Hurt Our Children? by James Kimmellat http://skyler.link/evcwhyhurtchildren25 Browse the Research and Informed Expert Opinionresource page of Project NoSpank athttp://skyler.link/nospankresearch

NO HITTING!

27

their survival is a matter of keeping their caretakersatisfied. Once they're not so little and dependent,their incentive to obey withers away, and willeventually disappear. The balance of power is nolonger so lopsided. What then? They go out intothe world and want never to return.

That doesn't have to be the case. You can raisechildren who want to obey you out of love insteadof fear, and will want to do so for the rest of yourlife. It begins with respect, as I went over in lengthabove. When people respect and love each other,they naturally want to be helpful. I probablywouldn't label such helpfulness as "obedience", butthe result is the same. When the caretaker makes areasonable request in a respectful way, his lovingchild will respond. And to solidify such a culture ofrespect and helpfulness, the caretaker shouldlikewise respond to the requests of his child.Spanking and punishments are unnecessary.

Seriously though, perfectly obedient robotswould be quite nice, but that's not the role I desirefor my children, whom I love and want to see growup as self-respecting, confident, loving, thoughtfulpeople. I want to earn their love, respect, andhelpfulness, which can't be done through the useof fear and violence. And just as importantly, I want

SKYLER J. COLLINS

28

to always show them love, respect, andhelpfulness.

6 DIVINE MANDATE

Many religious people, Christian and not,consider the practice of spanking to be divinelymandated. They'll quote scriptures or religiousleaders in the attempt to support that belief. If youbelieve without a doubt that spanking is requiredby your god, then you likely won't care what I haveto say. That's fine; feel free to skip to the end. Foreveryone else, perhaps we can shed someperspective on things.

PerspectiveIn December 2000, Lisa Haddock wrote of her

responses from several religious leaders in the NewJersey area to the question, "According to yourreligious tradition, under what circumstances can a

SKYLER J. COLLINS

30

parent strike a child? How far can a parent go whencorrecting a child's behavior?" She received thefollowing (abbreviated) responses:26

Rev. Steven R. McClelland, pastor, FirstPresbyterian Church,

"He who spares his rod hates his son" wasnever meant as an endorsement of corporalpunishment. The rod mentioned in Proverbs isthe same rod mentioned in Psalm 23, "Thy rodand Thy staff they comfort me." This rod wasthe round end of a shepherd's staff used tokeep a sheep from wandering off in the wrongdirection and getting hurt. It is analogous to aconcrete divider on a highway separating theright and left lanes in order to preventcollisions. In this day and age there is notheological or psychological need to usecorporal punishment. When parents hitchildren, they show that they have lost controlof their tempers. As a result, their children arefilled with fear.

He goes on to recommend time-outs insteadof spanking, but it is my position that even time-outs are as unnecessary and counter-productive as

26 Read Should Parents Spare the Rod When PunishingKids? by Lisa Haddock at http://skyler.link/jrspankingreligion

NO HITTING!

31

spanking.27 His interpretation of the rod is sharedby Samuel Martin who wrote an entire bookexamining the original meaning of these passagesfrom the Bible, titled Thy Rod and Thy Staff, TheyComfort Me.28

The Rev. Kobutsu Malone, Buddhist priest,Engaged Zen Foundation,

I can only speak from the perspective of asimple Buddhist priest. Working over the yearswith my own children, students, prisoners, andmy fellow human beings, I have learned thatany form of punishment, be it corporal orpsychological, is counterproductive. It isuncivilized and serves no purpose other thanto perpetuate oppression.

The practice of punishment involves thedeliberate infliction of physical or emotionalpain by one person who has power over theother. It instills fear, creates trauma, anddamages the punished as well as the punisher.The net result is humiliation and degradationfor the giver and the receiver.

27 Read The Case Against Time-out by Peter Haiman athttp://skyler.link/ncptimeout28 Read Thy Rod and Thy Staff, They Comfort Me by SamuelMartin at http://skyler.link/thyrodthystaff

SKYLER J. COLLINS

32

Each time we are punished, we are taughtthat punishment is acceptable. Out of fear, wemodify our behavior in the presence of ouroppressor. When our punisher is no longerpresent, we feel resentment. In time, thesefeelings can turn into hatred for ourselves andothers and lead to depression and alienation.When these feelings are directed outwardly,we oppress others. We come to believe: "I waspunished; therefore it is justifiable for me topunish another." We, in effect, have learned tobecome the oppressor. We pass on the cycleof violence to our families, our children, andour society.

Inflicting pain after a child has misbehaveddoes not change the original event nor does iteducate the individual. Communication,education, restraint, and discipline are the onlyeffective means for parents to direct and guidetheir children. Punishment, corporal orotherwise, is unacceptable and inexcusable,because it destroys any possibility for realhealing and learning.

He mirrors my own thinking as presentedthroughout this booklet. Spanking andpunishments ignore root causes and are ineffective

NO HITTING!

33

at educating children on the proper means to meettheir desired ends, their needs.

Rakesh Chhabra, M.D., Hindu Samaj,

The Hindu religion is based on the conceptof kindness and non-violence (ahimsa). Ahimsameans not causing harm to any living beingthrough words, deeds, or thoughts.

Corporal punishment is violence, and it isnot sanctioned by Hindu tradition orscriptures. Spanking teaches children thatviolence is acceptable. It will make themviolent with their peers, siblings, and their ownchildren. It also makes them more stubbornand aggressive. They may tell lies ormanipulate others to get away from thepunishment. It may also decrease their self-esteem.

Instead of corporal punishment, the Hindureligion recommends using words,explanation, and personal example to motivateand change the behavior of children. Childrenare considered to be a form of God, accordingto Hindu tradition, and should be treated withlove and respect.

I really love this. I am quite unfamiliar withHindu religion, but this makes it sound quite

SKYLER J. COLLINS

34

compatible with both my parenting and politicalphilosophies.29

Mohammad Moutaz Charaf, Dar-Ul-IslahMosque,

Islam recognizes that each child differs indisposition, level of understanding, andcleverness. So in Islam, we can teach childrenby a variety of means, such as talking,reasoning, explaining, relating stories, settinggood examples, being consistent inexpectations, offering encouragement andrewards, and sometimes by distancingourselves from them.

He goes on to recommend a light spanking, notwhile angry, in order to protect the child from adangerous situation. I believe I adequatelyaddressed that concern in Chapter 3. The rest ofthe responses do encourage spanking as a matterof divine mandate, not as a matter of wisdom oreffectiveness in meeting all the needs of the child.

Divine MandateIf you truly believe that the practice of

spanking or the punishment of children in general

29 Read The Philosophy of Voluntaryism by the author athttp://skyler.link/evcphilosophy

NO HITTING!

35

is a commandment from the divine, then you mustweigh that against everything I've written in thisbooklet so far. Why would such a practice berequired if it is ineffective and counter-productivein raising loving and compassionate children?Perhaps its just a test of faith, although it seemsunfair that our children, our children's children,and so on, should be the ones to suffer for thebeliefs of caretakers.

How about, for those who believe spanking is adivine mandate, you relate with your children insuch a way so as to prevent even the need tofollow this mandate? Meet their everypsychological and biological need as a preventivemeasure. We as caretakers, religious or not, shouldbe committed to doing this anyway. Surely a godwouldnt require we spank our children fornothing, right? And when our children makemistakes, as immature and ignorant beings arewont to do, they'll trust us to help them makethings right and learn a better way.

As mentioned at the beginning of this booklet,the practice of spanking and other forms ofpunishment was abandoned in my family in 2011.My oldest, a son, was five years old, and had beenspanked since he was three. A friend and mentor of

SKYLER J. COLLINS

36

mine at the time introduced me to Alfie Kohn'sUnconditional Parenting.30 Reading it caused majordoubts in me that my parenting methods wereideal or compatible with my values.31

My wife and I decided to stop spanking andpunishing our son, and instead find a better way toaddress the issues that prompted punishment. Wefound them throughout many books and all overthe Internet.32 While we still have a lot to learnabout the best way to raise our kids, we'reconfident that the tools of violence and fear arecompletely unnecessary and counterproductive toraising healthy, loving, and compassionate humans.I hope that this booklet is enlightening and causesyou to likewise abandon the unnecessary andcounterproductive practice of spanking. Godspeed!

30 Available in several formats athttp://skyler.link/amznunconditional31 Read The Values of a Voluntaryist by the author athttp://skyler.link/evcvalues32 See the Resource page at Everything-Voluntary.com athttp://skyler.link/evcresources, and the Gentle Guidancearticle archive at The Natural Child Project athttp://skyler.link/ncpguidance

37

FURTHER READING

Connection Parenting, Pam LeoFree Range Kids, Lenore SkenazyNonviolent Communication, Marshall RosenbergParenting a Free Child, Rue KreamParenting Effectiveness Training, Thomas GordonParenting for a Peaceful World, Robin GrillePeaceful Parent, Happy Kids, Laura MarkhamPeaceful Parent, Happy Siblings, Laura MarkhamPlayful Parenting, Lawrence CohenSiblings without Rivalry, A. Faber & E. MazlishThe 5 Love Languages of Children, Gary ChapmanThe Gentle Parent, L. R. KnostTwo Thousand Kisses a Day, L. R. KnostUnconditional Parenting, by Alfie Kohn

39

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Skyler J. Collins lives with his beautiful wife andthree wonderful children in Salt Lake City, Utah.He's a voluntaryist and radical unschooler. Heenjoys reading, writing, and podcasting aboutanything on liberty, economics, philosophy,religion, science, health, and childhooddevelopment. He and his wife are committed toraising their children in peace and love, exploringthe world with them, and showing them how todeal with others respectfully, and enjoy theirfreedom responsibly. He is the founder ofEverything-Voluntary.com. His websites alsoinclude skylerjcollins.com, LibertySearch.info, andLargePrintLiberty.com.