New Cads Report Aug 2011

8/3/2019 New Cads Report Aug 2011

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CADS Report publishes private, secret, and classified nonsense about the state of the UK from anonymous news sources.

CADS REPORTAug 2011

England beat some team called India

Issue No: Three http://cads-amsterdam.org/

CADSCRICKETLUNCH

ADMITONEFORTHE

CRICKETCLINIC.SOFTBALLSONLY.

non compos mentis

India were thumping their chest as they climbed out of their well deserved flight into the egosphere,

and stepped with confidence, or overconfidence depending upon how we see it, on to the Lords test

ground. They arrived as the No.1 test team in the world and World Cup winners. They were the giants

of the game. The unbeaten vindaloo victors with the little master Tendulkar on their shoulders.

During the summer, theres nothing quite like the

sweet sound of the willow striking leather. Especially if

you understand what Yorkshire fast bowler Fred

Trueman meant when he said Cricket is a great

leveler. India were Goliath fighting David, only they

didnt know how the story would end.

In just a few short, shocking weeks, England have

become the top-ranked nation in Test cricket after

crushing India by an innings and 242 runs in the third

Test match at Edgbaston. James Anderson set

England on the victory trail by removing Gautam

Gambhir, Rahul Dravid and VVS Laxman inside the

first hour in a brilliant spell of swing bowling.

England have now secured a 3-0 lead with only one

match remaining.

Its the first time England have occupied top spot

since the creation of the table back in 2003. Lets see

if histor y repeats itself with the one day

Internationals (as in that woeful one-day England

performance after we won the Ashes).

DONT FORGET

The Annual August CADS Cricket Lunch!

Friday Aug 26, 2011, 12 noon to 2pm.

Cricket Clinic from 12:30 noon to 1:00

Lunch 1:00 to 2pm


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The annual August CADS Cricket Lunch!If you dont know the difference between leg before wicket and a googly then youre in fora real treat this monthLUNCH AT A CRICKET CLUB. And for those of you fit andcrazy enough, we will also include a small 1/2 hr cricket clinic. Please arrive at 12 noon. Thecricket clinic will be held from 12:30 until 1pm. Lunch from 1pm until 2pm. (See travelguide below).

Venue: VRA Cricket Club,

Nieuwe Kal%eslaan 21B, 1182 AA Amstelveen

Telephone:& +31 (0) 206 418 525

Date: Friday Aug 26, 2011,

Time: 12:00 noon to 2pm

VRA Cricket Club Travel Directionshttp://www.vra.nl/vra/pages/map.php


3/5


DearCADs,

The outlook wasnt allbad for the

Prime Minister ashe arrivedback in

DowningStreet yesterday morning.

Having forsakenhis Italianvilla the

nightbefore,David Cameron could at

leastrecapturethatholidaybuzzsimply

bylookingoutofhisbackwindow.

Mamma mia! Whathadhappened to

HorseGuards Parade?The grand old

royaldrillsquarehadbeentransformed

intoabeach.Andtheonlycreatureson

parade yesterday weresome of the

fittestyoungwomenintheworld,their

bikinibottoms pointingsquarely in the

directionofNumber10.

YoursIn-Sincerely,

B.Allsup

CADS REPORTAug 2011

PM returns

from Tuscanyto keep eye onballs-up ofOlympicproportions.

Issue No: Three http://cads-amsterdam.org/

non compos mentis

GOLDMAN

HACHS Page 5

PM RETURNS

FROMTUSCANY TOKEEP EYE ONBALLS-UP OF

OLYMPICPROPORTIONS.


4/5


What is short selling?

It is a way to profit from falling prices. Someone sells

items bank shares, for example that they dont actually

own on the assumption that the price will fall, with the

aim of buying them back for less, making a profit.

Why are regulators banning it now?

Because market swings have been especially wild, partly

because of rumours about critical issues. Regulators fear

the rumours were started by those who stand to profit

short sellers, in other words.

So what are naked shorts?

Naked means you havent even borrowed the stock

you are shorting. Essentially, you're selling something you

don't own. Right then, who wants to buy 100 shares in

CADS? Only null euro per share.

WARWICK COUNCIL

Council spends four and a half years zealously pursuing

disabled pensioners for overpaid benefit despite the

fact they dont owe a penny.

WILDERS' PARTY JOURNALIST SCREEN AGAINST LAW

The anti-Islam party PVV asks journalists for their

personal data, including their citizen service number

(BSN), when they apply to attend a press conference, news

agency GPD reports on Thursday.

Asking for someone's BSN number is against the law,

the GPD quotes privacy experts as saying. And for a

political party to do so is entirely unacceptable. The PVV

says they ask for the information at the request of the

national terrorism coordinator and the royal and

diplomatic security service (DKDB) responsible for the

security of Geert Wilders.

SMURFS OUTRAGED AT BAN ON SHORTING THE EURO

GARDENING LEAVE:Rebekah Brooks, on three

months gardening

leave, after which she will

pocket 4m so long as she

behaves

"NEWS International declines to comment on

the financial arrangements of any individual, is what

the ex-publisher of the News of the World steadfastly

tells anyone who asks whether it is still paying

Rebekah Brooks following her resignation a month

ago. CADS, however, is quite happy to comment.

Brooks is currently on three months gardening

leave, at the end of which she will (providing she

keeps her nose clean) receive a payoff of around

4m.

HACKING:THE

PHONEYWAR

How are we short people going to benefit if we cant spread our false rumours. says

UK Smurfs head of short selling. I mean its not as though we actually do or make

anything useful. The only way we can profit is by spreading our bare falsities.


5/5


We had a very pleasant,well-attended lunch last month,

with a short debate on the BBC

World Service radio, proposed by

yours truly after the fashion of

Mark Anthony at Caesars funeral.

After a spirited rebuttal by Allan

Poot based on the ecological

benefits of closing the transmitters,

the result was pretty much a 50/50

vote on the motion. So there it

rests, with no mandate for furtheraction. We were joined by the BBC

Awards sponsors GNE, and their

President Abel Rasterhoff, who

gave us excellent insight on the

current affairs disasters resulting

from the cucumber genocide earlier

in the year. If only the police force

of London had been present, they

might have better understood what

was about to be visited on them!

Ilse van den Meijdenberg, the new

Chair of the IoD in TheNetherlands, was also present, and

has offered to tell us a little more of

her organisation at a future lunch. This month we have a mostt i m e l y o u t i n g t o t h e

Amsterdamsebos to revisit the

International Cricket Ground. As

you may know, English men and

women everywhere can hold their

heads high at the moment when

cricket is mentioned, having just

regained the position of the best

cricket team in the world. John

Richardson has organized the

outing, and we will enjoy a cricket

clinic, followed by an excellent

pavilion lunch. Next month we have thefirst formal lunch of the autumn

term, and the CADS golf day. The

g o l f w i l l b e h e l d a t

Haarlemmermeersche on Friday

the 16th September, starting at

1230 for the golf and 1800 for the

dinner. Costs are roughly

50 Euros for the golf, and

35 Euros for the dinner

with wine. Please let me

have your entries by 5th

September, together with

your handicap if you are

golfing. Recently we havehad dreadful events on the

streets of London and

Manchester, with looting

and violence by some

young gang members and

the criminals who incite them. Lost

amid the media storm was a report

from Income Data Services, that

directors in Britain's top 100

companies have accumulated final

salary retirement pots worth 2.8meach on average, widening the gap

between pensions awarded to

boardroom executives and the shop

floor. Whilst over 75% of final

salary schemes have closed to new

workers over the past 10 years, only

3% of the directors schemes have

closed in the same period. And

some company directors have

awarded themselves pension pot

contributions of up to 29 times

salary over the past year! All well

and good if the company belonged

to them, but when they rob other

stakeholders to enrich themselves, it

is as much a crime as looting the

local store. And these are the top

100 companies all of them

publicly quoted. Is it any wonder

that the public is revolting

Circulating on the Internet is the

program developers version of the

story. This large Wall Street institution

has for the past 10 years been tapping

into the SEC servers, buying all theshares available for sale on the NYSE,

and then selling them on to buyers

who are offering to buy, at a rounded

up price. The process happens in

microseconds, and the Gold and Sex

intervention remains secret from both

buyer and the seller, since their servers

are co-located with those of the

NYSE 30 miles out of town, and the

extra transactions are completed

before the screens downtown can

react. Gold and Sex reaps ~1% ofthe NYSE turnover from this little

fraud. Since the turnover is ~175bn

USD per day, the profit for Gold and

Sex is over 40bn USD every year!

Several federal inquiries have been

started, but so far no one has had the

political clout to overcome the hordes

of senators and representatives paid

off with Gold and Sex.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

CHAIRMANS CORNERAfirmo

nWallStreetisscammingthemarket?

Best wishes, Mike

by OLD MAN HACHS

New Cads Report Aug 2011

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