My Humors Collection

8/14/2019 My Humors Collection

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MY HUMORS COLLECTION

Humor 1: I'm Stupid!

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid." That way you

wouldn't have to rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It

would be like, "Excuse me ... oops ... never mind, didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a

U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says, "Hey, you

moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many

boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat intothe dock, I lifted up this big ol' stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes,

"Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a

guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright, Jimmy,

you got that shark suit on, it looks good ... They want you to jump into this pool of

sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my

sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas

stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he

said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those

other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and

drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out

of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!"

See, if he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know, Imisjudged the height of a bridge? The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out, no

matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take

the report. He went through his basic questioning ... okay ... no problem. I thought

for sure he was clear of needing a sign ... until he asked, "So, is your truck stuck?"

I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him

and said, "No, I'm delivering a bridge ... here's your sign."

1 | M y H u m o r s C o l l e c t i o n



6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced

by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse

to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and

grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time GM introduced a new car, buyers would have to learn to drive all over

again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old

car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Humor 3: Car Crash

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at an orientation to

enter heaven.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are

mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the great doctor of my

time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and

school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say...... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

Humor 4: Divorce - American Style

Divorced Father:

"When you go back to your Mom's tonight, give her this envelope and tell her thatsince you are now 18, this is the last check she'll ever see from me for childsupport. Then, stand back and watch the expression on her face."




Daughter:

"O.K."

Later ...

Daughter:

"Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope. He said to tell you that since I'mnow 18, this is the last child support payment he'll ever have to make to you. NowI'm supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face."

Divorced Mother:

"Next time you visit your father, tell him that after 18 years I have decided to

inform him that he's not your father. Then, stand back and watch the expression onhis face."

Humor 5: Horrible email virus

I was just made aware of this horrible virus by someone who contracted it. Beafraid ... be very afraid!

A NEW VIRUS ... just got this in from a reliable source. It seems that there is a newvirus out there called the C-Nile Virus that even the most advanced programs fromNorton or McAfee cannot take care of, so be warned, it appears to mostly affectthose of us who were born before 1960!

Symptoms of C-Nile Virus:

1. Causes you to send same e-mail twice.

2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.

3. Causes you to send to wrong person.

4. Causes you to send back to person who sent it to you.

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the e-mail.




Humor 6: I can hear just fine!

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. Oneremarked, "Windy isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

Humor 7: Marriage

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want atooth pulled, and I don't want any pain killers because I'm in a big hurry," thewoman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on ourway."

The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said."Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him yourtooth, dear."

Humor 8: Father of Four

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. Onenight they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants tofind out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shallwe go home, Mother of six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts back ... "Anytimeyou're ready, Father of four!"

Humor 9: Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger and Tonto camped in the desert, set up their tent, and are asleep.Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend.

"Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."




"What does that tell you?" ask The Lone Ranger.

Tonto ponders for a minute.

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies andpotentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time

wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evidentthe Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, itseems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabe?"

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks.

"Tonto, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

Humor 10 : Men are like ...

Men are like ... Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like ... Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like ... Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like ... Department Stores. Their clothes are always half off.

Men are like ... Government Bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like ... Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like ... Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like ... Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like ... Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like ... Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken and the rest arehandicapped.

Humor 11: A Poem for Computer Users over 30

A computer was something on TV

From a science fiction show of note

A window was something you hated to clean

And ram was the cousin of a goat.




Meg was the name of my girlfriend

And gig was a job for the nights

Now they all mean different things

And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age

A CD was a bank account

And if you had a 3-inch floppy

You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbageNot something you did to a file

And if you unzipped anything in public

You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire

Hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife




Paste you did with glue

A web was a spider's home

And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper

And the memory in my head

I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash

But when it happens they wish they were dead.


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