Craiglisted Pilot: "The Price Was Right"

By

Millie Graham

TEASER

INT. MIDDLE SCHOOL CLASSROOM- 3P.M.

Kids file out of the 7th grade classroom in a ruckus.

CASEY MACGILL,late twenties, puts his feet up on the

teacher’s desk and scans emails half- heartedly. He misses a

bolded message from "BILL MURRAY RE: CRAIGSLIST".

IRA DANIELS, Gangly and easily excited friend of Casey,

rushes into the classroom, followed by PAULIE MARTIN,

sensitive Bro with a mild Boston accent, never looks up from

his cell. They clearly hang out here often.

IRA

Casey, Casey, Casey. Guess what?

CASEY

What?

PAULIE

Ira got his call back for THE PRICE

IS RIGHT.

IRA

Come on!

PAULIE

(to Ira)

You’re taking too long.

(to Casey)

It’s this Friday.

CASEY

Ah, man that’s great!

IRA

Thank you.

CASEY

You know what this means.

IRA

No.

PAULIE

We’re going to get you in shape for

this one.

Casey jumps up and grabs a high end video camera.

2.

IRA

No. I told you guys, nothing works.

My paralyzing camera shyness can’t

be solved by--

Ira spots the camera pointing at him and freezes. His ENTIRE

BODY. He makes a frighteningly fake smile and stares

directly into the camera.

PAULIE

Oh my god, he’s like one of those

fainting goats.

IRA (CONT’D)

(slowly)

drinking. I will still know. My

body will know.

CASEY

Relax, buddy, it’s not even on.

Ira relaxes.

IRA

Don’t scare me like that.

PAULIE

Yeah, his uncomfortably small

bladder can’t take it.

IRA

It’s not small. I just drink a lot

of water.

PAULIE

Speaking of freakishly small and

leaking, how’s the apartment search

going?

CASEY

No bites. I’ve got a few feelers

out there on those ad things.

Casey looks at his computer again. and again.

CASEY

Is this legit?

Casey flips the screen around. The guys lean in. They both

look shocked. They both put their hands out to steady them

to chairs behind them, Ira misses and hits the floor. He

recovers quickly.

3.

CASEY

(reading)

Hi Casey, This is Bill. I noticed

your ad on Craigslist looking for a

reasonalby priced apartment to rent

in the LA area-

PAULIE

Wait a min. You’ve got to read it

like him. Give that to me.

PAULIE

(nasally imitation of Bill

Murray)

I happen to be looking for a tenant

to sublet a condo for me in Santa

Monica $800 a month. It’s got 3

bedrooms, and I just need someone

there to take care of it and feed

my plants.

Paulie stops reading for a moment and runs his fingers

through his slicked back hair making it stand out at the

ends.

CASEY

What is going on right now?

Paulie hands the computer to Ira.

IRA

(clears throat)

Let me take a stab at this.

(Ray Romano impression)

I had to fire my house cleaner

yesterday, so this is a time

sensitive decision-

PAULIE

Who are you even doing?

IRA

Bill Murray.

PAULIE

No you’re not. You sound like Ray

Romano.

IRA

That’s the only one I can do.

4.

CASEY

Quit it, guys. It’s signed

BM...Paulie, can you call one of

your agent friends to find out if

this is for real?

PAULIE

On it... Check and Check. Billy’s

out of town alrigt, in Costa Rica

shooting ME MY SLOTH AND IKE till

2016.

CASEY

Bill Murray just offered us a

condo, for 2 years. That’s such a

decent thing to do. I think I might

cry.

PAULIE

But What if it isn’t him?

IRA

What if it is?

CASEY

Can you imagine the bazillion

opportunities we’d get?

PAULIE

The celebrity parties, the model

girlfriends...

CASEY

THE JOBS?

IRA

we could get in a circle jerk and

finally cross streams.

PAULIE

There was the line, and you crossed

it.

The three stare at the ad on the screen for a beat.

CASEY

So, we should do this? A chance at

Bill Murray’s pad in Santa Monica?

What have we got to lose?

5.

EXT. MURRAY’S CONDO- DAY

SUPER: THE NEXT DAY

The Three Guys stand in the doorway looking into the condo.

Casey drops the signed lease agreement.

INT. MURRAY’S CONDO- SAME TIME

Inside the condo, it is an organized chaos. The living room

is a mix between the Jungle Room in Graceland and miniature

model from a Wes Anderson, complete with full sized nude

paintings, picasso style portraits, bronze busts, etc. even

a stuffed groundhog.

An empty glass cabinet has a place of honor in the middle of

the living room. It says "Oscar case"

The adjoining kitchen has a gawdy brick and dark oak

treatment.

There are various overgrown houseplants everywhere.

Including some large venus fly traps.

In the back are the three bedrooms, down a shallow hallway

with more fan art. A storage closet has "DO NOT OPEN"

written on it in red paint.

Nothing seems overly personal, but gives off the air of a

museum of curiosities.

They guys don’t move from the doorway, their mouths are

agape.

OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE

ACT 1

INT. MURRAY’S CONDO- SAME TIME

The guys make their way into the condo, carefully setting

thier boxes down in the living room.

Ira gives the groundhog a stare down.

IRA

(to Casey)

I don’t know about this place. Give

me the creeps.

6.

CASEY

Come on, we knew there would be a

few kinks about moving here. But

just look at that view!

While Ira and Paulie look away, Casey hides a jar of green

slime behind the television set.

PAULIE

Which one? From here it looks like

Santa Monica via the Disneyland

Jungle Cruise.

CASEY

Think of it like a tropical

oasis... and instead of Easter

Island, we’ve got-

IRA

the cast of Saturday Night Live

1975.

Ira holds up a picture of the SNL Cast in cardboard cutouts.

PAULIE

I’m still not sure that this is the

real Bill Murray’s place.

LAWRENCE OLIVER,60s stuffy and nosy landlord, clears his

throat, announcing his presence in the open entranceway.

LAWRENCE

Which one of you is...

He refers to his papers.

LAWRENCE

Casey Macgill?

Casey greets Lawrence with apprehension.

CASEY

That’s me. These are my roommates

Paulie and Ira... The lawyer said

the super was going to meet us when

we got here. You must be him?

LAWRENCE

Landlord.

Paulie shakes Lawrence’s hand. Lawrence is preoccupied with

Ira, who is swinging golf clubs.

7.

PAULIE

Mr. Landlord, This place is is

quite the kicker.

LAWRENCE

No, no, no. I’m the landlord.

That’s not my na-

Lawrence breaks the handshake and grabs the golf club from

Ira. He holds it authoritatively.

LAWRENCE

DO NOT touch that.

Ira stands at attention. Lawrence turns on Paulie, Swinging

the club with a whip.

LAWRENCE

It is Lawrence, young man.

PAULIE

The house is Lawrence?

Lawrence throws a business card at Paulie with disgust.

PAULIE

(reading)

Lawrence Oliver. Landlord. That

sounds fancy. It has a nice ring to

it. Lawrence Oliver Landlord. Mr.

Larry oliver Landlord. Or do you

prefer just Mr. Landlord?

Ira grabs the card from Paulie’s hand.

IRA

Lawrence Olivier? Like the famous

actor?

PAULIE

You’re an actor, too? Give me that

card back Ira. I’ll need it when I

sign him.

Paulie puts his arm around Lawrence’s shoulder.

PAULIE

Mr. Landlord, Are you in the market

for a new agent? I happen to know a

guy who’d be just the ticket...me.

It’s me.

8.

IRA

Oh wait, man. I read that wrong.

You were right the first time

Paulie. It’s Oliver, not Olivier.

He’s not the famous guy.

Paulie lets go of a steamed Lawrence.

PAULIE

(to Ira)

Now why’d you go and let me make a

fool outta myself like that.

Lawrence glares at the two of them until they quiet down.

LAWRENCE

(defeated)

Shall we begin?

He guides the three to sit down on the living room sofa. The

cusions swallow them, as they wrestle to the surface.

Lawrence pulls out a very large spiral bound book.

Paulie groans.

LAWRENCE

This is an very exclusive complex.

As a tenant, our rules are

explicit.

Lawrence drops the book in Casey’s lap.

LAWRENCE

Failure to comply with all the

rules will result in immediate

removal of both the subleaser and

the leasee.

Very carefully, Lawrence replaces the golf club and fixes

the direction of a few bobbleheads on the shelf before

walking out the door.

Casey fans through the rules book. Paulie and walks to the

bedrooms.

CASEY

(reading)

Tenant must participate in a

bi-weekly earthquake drill, 5am on

Tuesdays and Fridays.

9.

PAULIE (O.S.)

Dude. This is awful.

Casey goes to check on Paulie. Ira leans over and picks a

page of the rule book.

IRA

How did this weird-ass condo get by

on Larry’s rules? Listen to this-

Noticing the absence of an audience, Ira walks down the

hallway.

Paulie comes running down the hall and intercepts Ira.

PAULIE

Man, there is no way. A freakin

screening room and bedroom with a

rolling feed of his movies.

Casey pops his head out of a bedroom.

CASEY

What’s on now?

PAULIE

I don’t know, it’s something in

Japan or something. Looks

depressing.

IRA

Lost in Translation.

PAULIE

I’m trying to explain it the best I

can manage. Don’t make fun of me.

IRA

I’m not. That’s the movie.

Casey walks back to the bedrooms.

CASEY (O.S.)

I’ll take this one.

PAULIE

Fine by me.

Ira shrugs. Ira and Paulie retreat to the other bedrooms.

Ira runs out and knocks on the doors. A loud ticking sound

is heard when the door is open.

10.

IRA

Somebody swap with me. I can’t stay

in this room. This clock is going

to drive me nuts.

Paulie opens the door.

PAULIE

Thank God, I couldn’t work in a

space like that. It’s a freaking

submarine!

IRA

Cool.

Casey walks into the living room.

CASEY

SHHH!

IRA

What?

Casey points to the front door. He creeps over and holds the

handle, counting 1,2,3, opening the door quickly.

Lawrence, who was leaning against the door, falls to the

floor in front of them.

PAULIE

What the Hell, Landy?

Lawrence picks himself up sheepishly.

LAWRENCE

Hello Gentlemen,I was, just, I was

checking for termites.

Lawrence leans down to the baseboards of the floor.

LAWRENCE

Can you hear that?

He beckons Casey to follow. Casey puts his ear to the

ground.

CASEY

I don’t hear anything.

LAWRENCE

Well, that’s good news. They

haven’t infiltrated yet.

Lawrence backs out of the apartment.

11.

LAWRENCE (CONT’D)

Keep your eyes and ears open.

Termites strike when you least

expect it. If you hear any

scratching around the doorframe, or

any shade covering the peephole, do

not open the door or they will

infiltrate.

PAULIE

Hold on, we’ve got a few questions

about this Lawrence house, Landy...

Is this really Bill Murray’s place?

Lawrence nods furiously and shuts the door behind him.

EXT. MURRAY’S CONDO- CONTINUING

PAULIE

(yelling to Lawrence as he

closes the door)

Wait, is that a yes?

A beautiful and slightly hippie DAISY MARTIN, 30, opens her

door across the hall. She looks puzzled.

DAISY

It depends on what the question is.

Paulie’s jaw drops.

PAULIE

Whoa.

They size each other up.

DAISY

I’m--

LADY VOICE (O.S.)

Daisy? Is it my Ankle Genie?

DAISY

(to woman inside)

No, I thought it was but there’s

nothing here.

Daisy goes inside and shuts the door.

CASEY (O.S.)

Paulie?

Paulie goes inside.

12.

INT. MURRAY’S CONDO- CONTINUING

Casey and Ira are pulling out bed linens from boxes when

Paulie enters. Casey gives him a puzzled look.

PAULIE

Landy is a piece of work.

CASEY

You do know that no part of his

name includes Landlord, right?

PAULIE

Yeah, no, I knew that... Whatever,

somebody help me with this box.

Ira, we’ve got to get these dummy

boards up and running.

Ira and Paulie pull out pieces of game show boards: giant

dice, hockey pucks, an oversized deck of cards, etc.

CASEY

WHat’s with the sudden change of

character? I thought you said this

place gave you the creeps.

PAULIE

So, it’s grown on me, get off my

back.

Casey’s phone rings the Indiana Jones theme.

CASEY

Hello?... Are you sure? Wow, this

is great. Thanks. Yeah, 330.

Paramount. Got it.

He hangs up.

CASEY

You guys. I told you this place was

good luck.

IRA

No you didn’t.

CASEY

I am now. That was Barry Vernon on

the phone.

They stare at him blankly.

13.

CASEY

Barry Vernon of Warner Brothers.

The head of development.

Casey waits for them to recognize.

PAULIE

Ohhh, that Barry. Hey, that’s great

man.

CASEY

I gotta go right away.

I,uh...Where’s my?

Ira hands Casey his briefcase, and Paulie puts sunglasses on

his face, and car keys in his other hand.

Casey guestures for his phone.

PAULIE

You’re phone’s in your pocket.

You’ll do great man. Call if you

need traffic help.

CASEY

Thanks, you guys are awesome.

Paulie pushed Casey out the door.

PAULIE

Bye now. Have fun!

INT. MURRAY’S CONDO- LATER

Paulie and Ira have set up a homemade Price is Right show:

Plinko, Clifhanger, and Punch-A-Wall.

PAULIE

Alright, Ira, test out those

buzzers.

Ira hits a giant red button. no noises. He fiddles with the

buzzer.

IRA

They’re plugged in. Maybe there’s

another outlet.

Ira follows the cord around and unplugs it.

14.

IRA

The only outlet that I know works

is lighting up the naked portrait.

Ira unplugs it and plugs in the buzzer.

A SIREN GOES OFF. RED STROBE LIGHTS.

PAULIE

It’s the Fuzz. Get down!

Paulie tackles Ira to the ground.

The front door swings open and Daisy enters. Deftly, she

walks over them and wiggles the ears on the Bill Murray

bronze bust.

A secret door in the living room opens up and Daisy

disappears behind it for a moment. The lights and sirens

stop.

Daisy returns to the pair on the floor.

DAISY

Should I leave you two alone?

Paulie and Ira untangle and get up.

PAULIE

Ira get off of me, it’s just the

security alarm... Hey, it’s you.

DAISY

Yeah. It’s me. Daisy.

PAULIE

Paulie.

IRA

How’d you know about the alarm?

DAISY

Me and Billy go back a few years.

Actually, it’s a funny story. We

moved in together. I didn’t move

into his place; no I mean, Billy

moved in, then I moved in. He moved

in here, and then I moved in here,

across from him. Across the hall.

IRA

(Groucho Marx impression)

MORE

15.

IRA (cont’d)Would you believe, I don’t care

what the heck she’s saying, but I

want to hear it for hours?

DAISY

Yeah, anyway. We’re close. Billy

and I. You two and I are not close.

IRA AND PAULIE

Not Yet.

DAISY

And there were times Billy would be

away and he’d ask me to get

something for so and so, and i’d

have to come in here to get

whatever it was. Billy thought it

was a nice joke that i’d still have

to give him some sugar before i’d

get any of his goods. Does that

answer your question?

IRA

Wow, I don’t even remember the

question i was asking.

DAISY

The security system. To make a long

story short, Bill and I are, well,

we’re friends, i guess you could

say.

PAULIE

Just friends.

DAISY

Well, I wouldn’t say just that.

IRA

So what were you then?

DAISY

We were friends but then one night

he came over, ahd I mean he really,

It was a long day. I let the poor

guy in, we had a vew drinks and --

Paulie sits on the buzzer. The "Loser horn" buzzer whines.

DAISY

Now I’ve said to much.

16.

PAULIE

I didn’t hear much of anything.

Daisy looks at her phone.

DAISY

Oh, look at the time. I’ve got to

get back over there. I have to feed

my... fish.

PAULIE

Can’t you stay for a bit? we’ll

need a lot of help figuring out the

alarm thing-a-ma-jigger.

IRA

No we don’t. Look, I’ve got the

key.

Paulie shoots daggers at Ira. Ira shrugs.

PAULIE

Could you at least stay for a

drink?

DAISY

I don’t drink anymore.

IRA

All of me wants to ask why, but I’m

afraid i’ll be standing here

another 2 hours.

DAISY

I’ll see you around, neighbor.

Daisy winks as she shuts the door on her way out.

PAULIE

Now, why’d you go and do that for?

The girl of my dreams just walked

out of my arms.

EXT. MURRAY’S CONDO- LATER

Casey bounds up the flight of stairs two at a time to the

apartment complex. He reaches the top as Daisy opens her

door. Casey stops dead in his tracks. He turns on the charm.

CASEY

Hi Neighbor.

17.

DAISY

You moved into Billy’s place?

CASEY

Oh yeah, we’re taking care of it

for him for a while... I owed him

one.

DAISY

Really? He never mentioned you.

CASEY

Oh, he wouldn’t. I made him swear

not to tell another soul.

DAISY

How sweet. He’s such a dear man,

sometimes.

CASEY

He’s just the greatest, isn’t he?

DAISY

So you’ve been over to this pad

before?

CASEY

Only a few times. I mean, it was

really late. I’ve crashed on the

couch. You would’ve missed me. I’m

out early in the morning. Gotta get

to school to share my love of

grammar with the little ones.

DAISY

Oh, you’re a teacher? That’s so

great. I remeber my first grade

teacher, well I think I do. She was

super tall and softspoken, well I

bet she wasn’t really that tall at

all, but you know, I was what four

foot tall then--

WOMAN (0.S.)

Daisy?! Get in here. The Disposall

is acting up again. You’re going to

have to get the plunger--

Daisy shuts the door to block out the voice.

DAISY

Sorry, gotta run. It was lovely to

meet you.

18.

Casey fumbles with the key in the door.

INT. MURRAY’S CONDO- CONTINUING

Casey walks in on Cloud 9. Ira is dropping chips down a

homemade Plinko board. Paulie assists.

CASEY

Guys, I’ve just met my dream girl

and Paramount wants me to direct

Johnny Depp.

IRA

That’s crazy! So did Paulie.

PAULIE

Yeah, Daisy.

Paulie returns to dream state like Casey.

CASEY

What a coincidence, my girl’s

name’s Daisy too... wait. Your’s

doesn’t live across the way, does

she?

PAULIE

As a matter of fact she does.

It both dawns on them.

CASEY

That long legged blonde is mine.

PAULIE

No way in Hell! Daisy likes me.

CASEY

I seriously doubt that. She’s

obviously busy thinking about me

right now.

PAULIE

She liked me first. Finders keepers

losers weepers.

Paulie and Casey square off to

IRA

Hold it right there guys. We’re not

going to settle this like you

settled Nacy Carmichael in second

grade. We’re men now.

19.

INT. MURRAY’S CONDO- LATER

Paulie and Casey are set up with game buzzers and podiums.

They are very serious. Ira holds cue cards.

IRA

Heeeerrreee it comes, From the Bill

Murray Condo in Santa Monica. It’s

The Price is Right! Today you two

are playing for fabulous prizes,

including dibs to date the girl

next door, Daisy!

END OF ACT 1

ACT 2

INT. MURRAY’S CONDO- RESUME SCENE

IRA

Welcome back to the Price Is Right!

Now, Paulie won the first round,

with the Talking Bass Fish retailed

at one hundred fifty dollars, but

the game’s not over yet. There’s

still the Showcase Showdown.

Ira pulls the sheet off of a display of tiny toy cars.

IRA

Here it is. Four genuine luxury

European cars. Perfect for a night

on the town with Daisy. Is she a

Ferrari type? or maybe a Beamer

Girl? All the options are

available, here with this fabulous

prize. Oh, and I almost forgot

about this.

Ira plops two gift cards on the table.

IRA

Two Olive Garden gift cards with an

undisclosed amount. Paulie all of

this can be yours, or you can give

MORE

20.

IRA (cont’d)it to Casey and you get the next

one.

Ira plays a ticking clock noise. Paulie paces, deciding.

IRA

I’m going to need a decision now.

PAULIE

Ok, I... I give it to Casey.

IRA

Alright, now Casey, I must remind

you in this bid that the cars

pricing is reflective of the retail

toy car pricing. Now, what is your

bid?

CASEY

Thirty five, Bob.

IRA

Alright. Now let’s check out

Paulie’s prizes.

Ira hurries over to the kitchen and brings back an Ice cream

machine. Ira models it for them.

IRA

Here it is, a genuine old fashioned

ice cream machine. Together you and

Daisy can have a romantic picnic

outdoors, indoors, or anywhere

provided there is a power outlet

and plenty of rock salt.

The front door swings open. Daisy enters. Ira is oblivious

IRA (CONT’D)

This romantic getaway package can

be yours, if you bid right.

DAISY

Hey guys, I was wondering if you

had any-

Daisy’s words trail off as she looks around.

IRA

So, Paulie, I need an answer buddy.

Bid correctly and win the dibs to

Daisy.

21.

Paulie and Casey frantically wave their hands to signal Ira.

DAISY

What the hell? You’re having a dibs

game over me?

PAULIE

We had to settle it some ways.

IRA

Let me see if I can help explain

this. Casey and Paulie here both

like you. Like like you like you.

But both of them can’t be dating

you, so they decided to fight for

your hand.

DAISY

That is ridiculously mideval. I’m

not some freakin prize to be

won. Did any of you guys, I don’t

know, think to ask me who I would

want?

They all stare back, afraid to answer.

(cont’d)

Of course not.

CASEY

I realize how this looks, but we

were really trying to save our own

asses with this one.

PAULIE

Yeah, This little punk couldn’t

handle the rage I was gonna thow

his way.

CASEY

My way? I thought you were scared

of me.

PAULIE

Scared of you? Hah!

They square off to wrestle again.

DAISY

You guys are so juvenile.

Ira tries to stop them from fighting, no one is listening to

Daisy. She becomes impatient and stomps her foot. Then they

turn back to her.

22.

DAISY

You should all be ashamed of

yourselves. Objectifying women like

that. How do you think that makes

me feel?

(BEAT)

CASEY

I don’t know, we never thought

about you in this.

DAISY

Yeah, well you should have.

Especially you. What kind of

teacher resets to schoolyard

tactics to resolve problems?

PAULIE

Yeah, man. You should know better.

I’m real sorry Daisy for Casey

here’s behavior.

DAISY

Don’t play that card. You’re no

victim in this either.

CASEY

Yeah, Paulie... Daisy, I’m sorry

you had to witness this display.

Think we can start over? Pretend

the last fifteen minutes never

happened?

DAISY

Depends. Do you have any coffee

filters?

PAULIE

You’d know better than us.

DAISY

Third cabinet to your left. top

shelf.

Casey and Paulie fight to get to the cabinet first. Casey is

easily taller and he reaches around Paulie to get them.

Daisy inspects the plinko board.

DAISY

Larry would flip if he saw this set

up...You guys just have these lying

around?

23.

Paulie takes the filters out of Casey’s hand before he hands

it to her.

PAULIE

Actually, I’ve been training Ira

for a while on these. We’re doing

the show tomorrow. Ira’s an

unstoppable force on game shows.

DAISY

Really?

PAULIE

Check us out. Tomorrow at 10.

Paulie hands Daisy his business card.

DAISY

Thanks. See ya later guys.

PAULIE

Tomorrow Morning at ten.

Daisy nods and exits.

INT. MURRAY’S CONDO- SUNRISE

Ira sits frozen at a barstool in the kitchen, eyes glued

open. He’s wearing a tye-dyed tshirt that says "Drew you

love me?"

Paulie saunters in, wearing the same tye dyed shirt and a

hoodie. His mission is to the fridge, and downs a jug of

orange juice.

PAULIE

How you doin, I? Getting ready for

today? Gonna be a big crowd. Need

to get your energy up. Producers

want to see that energy.

Paulie goes to check on Ira. He shakes him alive.

IRA

Hey, whoa. Didn’t need to do that.

PAULIE

Yes I did. Get up.

Paulie puts a towel around Ira’s neck and massages his

shoulders.

24.

PAULIE

Come on. Twenty. Now.

Ira does jumping jacks.

Casey walks in, more awake then the other two, wearing the

same shirt.

CASEY

Is the contender ready?

PAULIE

I don’t know yet. He looks spooked.

CASEY

I would be too if I was the one

trying to climb Everest again.

PAULIE

Alright, buddy. That’s enough.

Paulie dabs his forehead with the towel. Reaching under the

sink, Paulie produces a bottle of Jack Daniels.

PAULIE

Sure you don’t want one to take the

edge off?

IRA

Yes. I’m sure. Gotta be sharp.

CASEY

There is a thing as being too

sharp. You have to look like your

having fun.

PAULIE

In the immortal words of Kesha:

before we leave, brush our teeth

with a bottle of Jack.

Paulie takes a shot. He passes it to Casey. Casey takes a

shot. Casey passes it to Ira.

IRA

I’m not much of a drinker.

PAULIE

Come on, everyones more fun when

they’ve had a couple.

25.

IRA

You sure about this, Coach?

PAULIE

This is like your golden paper

thingy. It’s gonna get you a ride

on the chocolate river. Only this

river will be money.

Ira takes a shot.

PAULIE

Alright everybody, let’s get this

show on the road!

They exit, leaving the bottle on the counter.

INT. PRICE IS RIGHT STUDIO AUDIENCE- FIVE TILL SHOWTIME

Ira, Paulie, and Casey sit in a sea of brightly colored

college students and retirees.

IRA

This feels wonderful.

Ira takes a swig of a flask.

CUT TO:

EXT. MURRAY’S CONDO- SAME TIME

Lawrence strolls through the complex, whistling, swinging

his keys around a loop. He spies in the windows for a beat

as he passes.

He gets to Daisy’s door. She opens the door while he’s

looking into her window. She’s wearing a sweater and

pajamas. The Price is Right theme is playing on the TV in

the background.

DAISY

Larry, what are you doing?

Lawrence is startled by her.

LAWRENCE

Hello, Ms. Martin. I was just doing

safety checks for our residents.

You know I had to fire Manny last

week, and it’s been Hell trying to

find a suitable replacement. So

I’ve taken the job up myself.

26.

DAISY

Manny never went peeking in the

resident’s windows.

LAWRENCE

I am thorough.

Lawrence peeks into the guys’ window. It’s dark. He searches

his keys for the right one.

DAISY

(under her breath)

Thoroughly wacko.

Daisy turns back to look at the TV in her apartment.

LAWRENCE

Did the new residents mention they

would be out?

DAISY

Why do you think I know?

LAWRENCE

It’s no secret here that you’ve

slept with everyone who’s entered

this place.

DAISY

That’s not true... not anymore.

LAWRENCE

Oh my, are they that ugly? That’s

never stopped you before.

DAISY

No. One of them’s actually kind

of... I’m starting this new Life

fufillment plan. No sex.

LAWRENCE

I relish your attempt.

Lawrence opens the door to Murray’s condo. Daisy sees the

games still set up with the place and her eyes go wide.

DAISY

(louder than she needs to be)

You don’t think I can do it, huh?

LAWRENCE

Ms. Martin, listen--

Lawrence walks away from the door.

27.

DAISY

No, you listen. I’m tired of you

guys thinking all I am is a piece

of ass.

She corners him near her door. The TV show is louder there

and we just hear the announcer.

ANNOUNCER (O.S.)

Ira Daniels! Come on down! You’re

the next contestant on The--

Daisy grabs her door handle and shuts it. She panicks.

LAWRENCE

I do not look to any of my

residents as a piece of ass, unless

you fancy me imagining the lower

half of Hamilton and Benjamin. Now

if you will excuse me, I must

inspect our neighbor’s apartment.

Lawrence walks back across the hall to Murray’s condo, Daisy

runs ahead of him. She slips in the door and pulls the plug

on the lighted portrait. The alarm goes off.

DAISY (O.S.)

Oh my, clumsy me. Wait here while I

fix the alarm.

She peeks out from the door as she closes it. Lawrence

stands there exasperated.

DAISY

Sorry, gotta lock the door again to

shut it off.

INT. PRICE IS RIGHT STUDIO AUDIENCE- SAME TIME

The audience is going wild, buzzers and bells galore. Ira,

Paulie, and Casey wave at the camera.

ANNOUNCER (O.S.)

Ira Daniels, Come on down!

Ira is giddy but motionless. Paulie shoves him up.

PAULIE

Get going man!

Ira stumbles more than he should on his way down the aisle.

Paulie and Casey look worriedly at one another.

28.

PAULIE

I think he maybe overdid it.

CASEY

Ya think?

PAULIE

At least this is going to make good

TV.

ANNOUNCER (O.S.)

How about a beautiful at home

Sauna!

PAULIE

He better not get that one.

IRA (O.S.)

(mild slur)

Fourty, fourty six, Drew.

EXT. MURRAY’S CONDO- SAME TIME

The alarm system is still ringing, and Lawrence grows

impatient.

DAISY (O.S.)

Sorry, this is taking longer than

usual. You might want to come back

later.

LAWRENCE

No, I intend to find out what you

are hiding in there.

A TEENAGER runs down the hall with an out of place bellhop

uniform on.

TEENAGER

Mr. Oliver!

He grabs Lawrence’s shoulders and breaths hard.

TEENAGER

Mr. Oliver! He’s on the phone.

LAWRENCE

Are you sure?

The teenager nods furiously. Lawrence sighs.

29.

LAWRENCE

Oh, confound it all.

Lawrence guides the teenager away.

EXT. PARKING LOT- LATER

Paulie has his arm around Ira as they walk to the car, Casey

follows behind.

IRA

I don’t want to talk about this

anymore. I need a two day mourning

period.

Ira shoves off Paulie.

PAULIE

You made it on stage this time.

IRA

So much that did me.

CASEY

It was entertaining.

IRA

It was mortifying.

PAULIE

You’ll certainly make it on the

news tonight.

CASEY

You answered the question at every

little old ladies lips. He’s

definetly a briefs guy.

IRA

I pantsed Drew Carey. I pantsed the

host of America’s Game Show.

CASEY

You shouldn’t blame yourself.

PAULIE

He’s been losing a lot of weight.

CASEY

It was bound to happen to somebody.

30.

PAULIE

Drew was a great sport about it.

CASEY

It wasn’t a total loss.

IRA

But what the hell am I suppoused to

do with a snowmobile.

At their car, a car sized box with a glossy picture of a

bikini clad woman riding a snowmobile.

END OF ACT III

TAG

INT. MURRAY’S CONDO- DAY

Casey, Paulie, and Daisy relax on the couch drinking beers

and laughing.

PAULIE

Poor Ira, man. He tried his

darndest to fix them but they

wouldn’t stay up. He ripped the

pants free of the belt.

DAISY

I’m sorry I missed it. Larry

wouldn’t leave your apartment

alone.

CASEY

I don’t know how to thank you,

Daisy.

DAISY

I don’t know what you guys did to

get him all bothered, but you

better do a better job of cleaning

before you leave.

CASEY

Of course. You can’t save our asses

everytime.

31.

DAISY

This time it was worth it.

Daisy goes to the front window and looks out.

EXT. CONDO- SAME TIME

Ira is riding his snowmobile on the grass of the condo, with

a push lawnmower attached to it. He waves up to the condo

window.

THE END