Thoroughly Modern Millie - Script

114
CHARACTERS MILLIE DILLMOUNT RODNEY JIM,'vl), SMITH KENNETH RUTH DISHWASHERS C1.0RIA MUZZY'S BOYS RITA DAPHNE ALlCE DEXTER CORA MATHILDE LUCILLE NEW MODERN ETHEL PEAS MAMA MRS. MEERS ENSEMBLE MISS DOROTHY BROWN CHING HO BUNFaa MISS FLANNERY MR. TREVOR GRAYDON SPEED TAPPISTS l.mr THE PEARL LADY THE LETCH I, I. POLICEMAN MUZZY VAN HOSSMERE GEORGE GERSHWIN DOROTHY PARKER I

Transcript of Thoroughly Modern Millie - Script

CHARACTERS

MILLIE DILLMOUNTRODNEY

JIM,'vl), SMITHKENNETH

RUTH DISHWASHERS

C1.0RIA MUZZY'S BOYS

RITA DAPHNE

ALlCE DEXTER

CORA MATHILDE

LUCILLE NEW MODERN

ETHEL PEAS MAMA

MRS. MEERS ENSEMBLE

MISS DOROTHY BROWN

CHING HO

BUNFaa

MISS FLANNERY

MR. TREVOR GRAYDON

SPEED TAPPISTSl.mr

THE PEARL LADY

THE LETCHI,I.

POLICEMAN

MUZZY VAN HOSSMERE

GEORGE GERSHWIN

DOROTHY PARKER

I

'NGS BY

IARACTER

.IE

c. Not for tin' L~f;'of Me I

,. Thol'OlIgh~yModall Millie 2

f. Not for the L~fe l~fMe Jag 7

5. How the Other Half U,'es . . . . . . .14

5tl. How the Otha Hlllf Livl's Tag. . .1.9

8. The Speed Test. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .27

10. The Nutty Cracker Suite. . . . . . .41

13. ]imln)1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .61

15. Forget About the Boy .65

17. I filrned the Corna . . . . . . . . . .80

18. FaLlillgill Love Reprise. . . . . . . .82

20. Long liS I'm Here with You 87

2 I. Cimlnl' Cimme .92

23. The Speed fi'st Reprise 103

26. Bows. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I 10

1MY

10. The Nutty Cmclw' Suite. . . . . . .41

11. What Do I Need with Love . . . . .4.5

17. I himI'd the Corner . . . . . . . . . .80

18. FaLlillg ill LlJlleReprisl' . . . . . . . .82

23. TIn' Speed Test Rl'prise 103

25. FilialI' . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .108

26. Rows . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11 ()

JZZY

I 2. Ol/~y in New York 52

20. Long as I'm Here with }'(J/I .87

23. 11)('Speed7i'stReprise 10326. Bows. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11()

RS. MEERS

9. They Don't KI/ow . . . . . . . . . . . . .38

19. Muqill 84

19a. Muqill 7ilg .86

26. Bows . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .11 ()

MR. GRAYDON

8. The ,<'pet'd7i'st . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .27

16. AM Sweet Mystery of Lift/

I;n FaLliug in I,ove with Someol/e ...73

18. Ftllling ill LOllI'Reprise. . . . . . . .82

2111. Gimme Gimmt' Tag .93

23. The Speed Test Rep,;se .103

26. Bows. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I 10

MISS DOROTHY

5. How the Otha Half Lives. . . . . . .14

5a. How the Other Ha(f Lives Tag . . .19

10. The Nutty Cracker Suite. . . . . . .41

16. Ah! Sweet Mystery of L*/

I'm Falling in Love with Someolle ...73

18. Fallillg ill Love Reprise. . . . . . . .82

24. AM Sweet Mystery Reprise . . . . .104

25. Fillllie . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .108

26. Bows. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 110

iI~.

BUN FOa

6. Not for the Lift of Me Reprise I . .23

19. Muqin .84

26. Bows. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .1 I ()

CHING HO

6. Not.fOr the !.ife (~fMe Reprise 1 . .23

19. Muqin .84

24. AM Sweet M.YStl'~YReprise. . . . . lO4

26. Bows. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 110

MISS FLANNERY

8. The Speed Test. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .27

1.5. Forget Ahout the /Joy .6526. Bows. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .I I ()

CHARACTERS BY SONG

ACT 1

2. Not fOr the Lift, of Me M ILLIE M

3. Thoroughly Modern Millie... ..MILLIE. MODERNS

4. Not/or the Life (!(Me Tag MILLIE. LUCILLE, RITA. ALICE. CORA, GLORIA, RUTH

5. HolV the Other Half Lives MILLIE. MISS DOROTHY

5a. HolV the Other Half Litm Tag MILLIE, MISS DOROTHY

6. Not/or the Life ({Me Reprise 1 CHING HO. BUN FOO

8. The Speed Test MR. GRAYDON, NJfLLIE, MISS FLANNERY, ENSEMBLE

9. They Dor/t Know... ..MRS. MEERS

/0. The Nutty Cracker Suite JIMMY, MILLIE, MISS DOROTHY, ENSEMBLE

1/. \'(IhatDo I Need \'(lithLove .JIMMY

/2. Gnly in New york .MUZZY

/3. jimmy .MI LLIE

ACT 2

15. Forget About the Boy MILLIE, MISS FLANNERY, ENSEMBLE.

/6. Ah! Siveet Mystery of Lift/I'm Falling in Love with Someone MR. GRAYDON, MISS DOROTHY

17. I Turned the Corner jIMMY, MILLIE

18. Falling in LOlle Reprise MILLIE. JIMMY, MR. GRAYDON. MISS DOROTHY

19. Muqin MRS. MEERS, BUN FOO. CHING HO

/9(/. Muqin Tag MRS. MEERS

20. Long as I'm Here with You : :...MUZZY, MILLIE, MUZZY'S BOYS

20a. Long as !in Here Pl{lJo./J ..MUZZY'S BOYS

21. Gimme Gimme M ILLI E

21 a. Gimmi' Gimmi' Tag ..MR. GRA YDON

23. Thi' Speed Test Reprise MILLIE. MR. GRAYDON, MUZZY, JIMMY

24. Ah.' Sweet MpterJI Reprise MISS DOROTHY, CHING HO

25. Finale.. ...JIMMY, MISS DOROTHY, MODERNS

26. Bows ..ALL

US/CAL NUMBERS

Acr 1

1. Overtun' 1

2. Notfor the Lift ofMt, 1

3. Thorough~),Modern Millie... ..2

3a. /.1il/il' Gets Mugged 5

4. Notfi}r thl' Lifi' of Me Tag 7

4a. Little Orphan Ethel .12

5. How the Other Ha((Lives 14

5a. HoUJthe Other Ha(fl.iI1es Tag 19

5h. Into the Laundry .20

6. Not for the l.ift of Me Reprise 1 23

7. Offiel' Crossover .24

7a. Front and Center .26

8. The Speed Test... .27

8a. The Speed Test1'Ia)loff ..33

8h. How Sweet... .33

Be. California Applt' No. 1 35

Bd. California Apple No. 2 36

9. The)' Don't K/low ..38

9a. The}' DO/l't Know Playoff 39

10. The Nutty Cracker Suitt, 41

lOa. TeI/ it to the Judgt, 45

II. What Do I Need With LOlle 45

II a. Ivlor/li1/gMusic... 46

II b. I.ove at First Sight 47

II c. I.augh-I/I .48

12. On!;, ill New Yt}r!t 52

12a. Muzzy's !"lr~J'Pa/.t I .53

12h. Muzz)'J' Par~v Part 2 .56

13. Jimm}' 61

Acr2

f. Ent/' 'acre 64

fa. Back at W/IJ.k. 64

). filrget Ahout the BO)I 65

'Sa. Forget About the Ho)' Tag 68

S. AM Sweet M,ystery of Life/fin Fallillg ill LOlle with Someone 73

)11. On the Fat Side 77

7. I 7itrrll,d the COr/ter.. 80

~. Fallillg ill LOlle Reprise 82

~a. Love and Peril 83

9. A1uqin 84

9a. Muqin 'fag 86

'). Long tTSlin Hen' with you 87

'Ja. Long as I'm Here Playoff 90

I. Gimme Gimme 92

I a. Gimmi' Gimme 'fng 93

I b. Something's ~'e,:yWrong. 95

2. The Chase 97

2a. Green Tea 99

2b. Double Meers 99

2c. 7.azu Ros)' ShmellTltell 101

3. The Speed Test Reprise 103

4. AM Sweet Mystery Rt,prise 104

5. Finalt, lOR

6. Bows 110

7. Exit Music ...11 ()

- ---

LY MODERN MILLIE - I -

el'tlll'e

T1

ENE1

The curtain rises on 1922 Manhattan, a platinum version of theEmerald City. Center stage, we see the silhouette of MILLIE in herSunday best, a suitcase in each hand, her back to us. Slowly, SHE turnsaround. SHE is appealing and attractive, but more importantly, SHEhas guts, pluck, charisma, moxie... call it what you will, SHE is apragmatist who dreams big. MILLIE surveys the towering skyline thatsurrounds her. SHE's either verv scared or very excited, or perhaps both,.

MILLIEI STUDIED ALLTHE PICTURESIN MAGAZINESAND BOOKS.I MEMORIZED THE SUBWAYMAP, TOO.IT'S ONE BLOCK NORTH TO MACY'S,AND TWO TO BROTHERS BROOKS.MANHATTAN, I PREPARED FOR YOU.

YOU CERTAINLYARE DIFF'RENTFROM WHAT THEY HAVE BACKHOME,WHERE NOTHIN'S OVER THREE STORIES HIGH.AND NO ONE'S IN A HURRY,OR WANTS TO ROAM.BUT I DO! THOUGH THEY WONDER WHY.

THEY SAID I WOULD SOON BE GOOD AND LONELY.THEY SAID I WOULD SING THE HOMESICK BLUES.SO I ALWAYSHAVE THIS TICKET IN MY POCKET,

(Removes a train ticket from her pocket.)A TICKET HOME IN MY POCKETTO DO WITH AS I CHOOSE....

(Studies the ticket, then te(lrs it in two.)BURN THE BRIDGE. BET THE STORE.BABY'SCOMIN' HOME NO MORE.NOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME.BREAKTHE LOCK. POST MY BAIL.DONE MYTIME, I'M OUTTAJAIL.NOT FOR THE LIFE OF MEA LIFETHAT'S GOTTA BEMORE THAN A ONE-LIGHT TOWNWHERE THE LIGHT ISALWAYSRED.GOTTA BEMORE THAN AN OLD GHOST TOWNWHERE THE GHOST AIN'T EVEN DEAD.CLAP-A-YOURHANDS, JUST-A-BECAUSEDON'CHA KNOW THAT WHERE I AM AIN'T WHERE I WAS.NOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME.

. -

- 2 - THOROUGHL Y MODERN MILLIE

MILLIE (CONT'D)YOU SEE I GOTTA BEMORE THAN A COUNTRY WIFEMAKIN' BABIESTILL I CROAK.GOTTA BE MORE THAN THE LEADING ROLEIN A FARMER'S DAUGHTER JOKE.DAYSOF YORE, KIND AND GENTLE,ASKME IF I'M SENTIMENTAL.NOT FOR THE UFE OF MEBOH-DOH-DEE-OH.NOT FOR THE UFE OF,NOT FOR THE UFE OF,NOT FOR THE UFE OF ME!

#3 - Tbol"oltgb~vModem Millie ____

(New York City comes to life around her as stylishly dressed MALEMODERNS enter S.L. and S.R.)

MALE MODERNS GROUP 1THERE ARE THOSE,

MALE MODERNS GROUP 2THERE ARE THOSE,

MALE MODERNS GROUP 1I SUPPOSE,

MALE MODERNS GROUP 2I SUPPOSE,

MALE MODERNS GROUP 1THINK WE'RE MAD.

MALE MODERNS GROUP 2THINK WE'RE MAD.

MALE MODERNS GROUP 1HEAVEN KNOWS,

MALE MODERNS GROUP 2HEAVEN KNOWS,

MALE MODERNS GROUP 3HEAVEN KNOWS,

ALL MALE MODERNSTHE WORLD HAS GONE TO RACKAND TO RUIN.

(FEMALE MODERNS enter through a revolving door U.S. center,each one dressed more sensationally than the next.)

THOR:---

RAISE~BOBYC

GilLY MODERN MILLIE - 3 -

FEMALE MODERN 1WHAT WE THINK IS CHIC,

FEMALE MODERN 2UNIQUE,

FEMALE MODERN 3 AND FEMALE MODERN 4AND QUITE ADORABLE,

ALL FEMALE MODERNSTHEY THINK IS ODD AND "SODOM AND GOMORRAH"-BLE!

MILLIE(Determinedtofit in.)

BUT THE FACT IS,EVERYTHING TODAY IS THOROUGHLY MODERN.

MODERNS GROUP 1(To MILLIE.)

CHECK YOUR PERSONALITY.

MILLIEEVERYTHING TODAY MAKESYESTERDAYSLOW.

MODERNS GROUP 2(To MILLIE.)

BETTER FACE REALITY.

MILLIEIT'S NOT INSANITY,SAYSVANITY FAIR.IN FACT, IT'S STYLISHTO

MILLIE FEMALE MODERNS FEMALE MODERNS GROUPGROUPl 2

IUR SKIRTS ANDJR HAIR! RAISE YOUR SKIRTS AND

BOB YOUR HAIR. RAISE YOUR SKIRTS ANDBOB YOUR HAIR! BOB YOUR HAIR!

MILLIEHAVE YOU SEENTHE WAYTHEY KISSIN THE MOVIES?

ISN'T IT DELECTABLE?MALEMODERNS

MILLIE AND FEMALE MODERNSPAINTING LIPSAND PENCIL LINING YOUR BROW,NOW IS QUITE RESPECTABLE.

-4- THOROlJUHl Y MODERN MilLIE

MILLIE(With resolve.)

GOOD-BYE, GOOD GOODY GIRL,I'M CHANGING, AND HOW!

(MILLIE exits through the revolving door, suitcases in hand.)

ALLSO BEATTHE DRUMS, 'CAUSE HERE COMESTHOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE NOW!WHAT WE THINK IS CHIC, UNIQUE, AND QUITE ADORABLE,THEY THINK IS ODD AND "SODOM AND GOMORRAH"- BLE!BUT THE FACT IS,EVERYTHINGTODAY IS THOROUGHLY MODERN.

. ALL MALE MODERNSBANDSARE GETTING JAZZIER.

ALLEVERYTHING TODAY IS STARTING TO GO.

ALL FEMALE MODERNSCARSARE GETTING SNAZZIER.

(MILLIE exits the revolving door u.s. center.)

ALLMEN SAYIT'S CRIMINAL WHAT WOMEN'LL DO.WHAT THEY'RE FORGETTING IS

(MILLIE crosses D.S. center. SHE is now afull-fledged, head-to-toemodern: bobbed hair and short skirt.)

MILLIETHIS IS 1922!

(MILLIE and MODERNS dance. Don't think cute: think determined,dynamic, drunk with thefreedom to change.)

ALLGOOD-BYE, GOOD GOODY GIRL.I'M CHANGING, AND HOW!

MILLIEI'M CHANGING, AND HOW!

ALLSO BEATTHE DRUMS, 'CAUSE HERE COMES THOROUGHLY-HOT OFF THE PRESS!ONE STEP AHEAD! JAZZ AGE!WHOOPEE BABY!WE'RE SO THOROUGHLY MODERN-

MILLIEMILLIE!

- 5 -

ALLNOW!

#3a -Millie Gets MUI 'ed

(Aflock o/MODERNS swarms MILLIE. When they clear,SHE is in .. . . .

the exact same position, minus her scarf, her hat and one shoe. MILLIEand MUGGER are playing tug-ofwar with her purse.)

TIIOROUGHL y MODERN MILLIE

MILLIEGimme back my purse!

(MUGGER wins, exiting with her purse. MODERNS exit paying noattention to the crime THEYjust witnessed.)

Help! Police! Somebody...!(MILLIE seeks help fom a MALE MODERN crossing S.R.)

Excuse me, sir. My purse was--(MALE MODERN exits S.R. without even having heard MILLIE, soMILLIE approaches a FEMALE MODERN, who is crossing S.L.,engrossed in the latest issue of Vanity Fair.)

Miss, some man grabbed my purse, and he--(FEMALE MODERN exits s.L., ignoring MILLIE.)

Miss? Miss?!

(From S.L., enter JIMMY SMITH, a brash city slicker with anirrepressible, buoyant personality. In a moment of desperation, MILLIEtrips him. JIMMY lands hard on his butt.)

JIMMYOwwwwww!

(MILLIE and JIMMY start talking simultaneously. Their duelingdialogue quickly becomes a competition to see who will shut whom up.Note that throughout the following exchange, MILLIE is not abrupt forabruptness s sake: SHE wants to get her purse back, and every second thatpasses decreases the likelihood of her doing so.)

JIMMYWatch where you're going, why don'cha? Youdon't own the sidewalk, lady--

UIMMY silencesMILLIE, pleased at his victory.)

MILLIEThat man, he stole my purse! That man, hesrole my purse!

JIMMY-learn to share it with the rest of us.

MILLIEOh, I meant to trip you.

JIMMYOf all rhe dirty, rotten-

MILLIEMy purse is gone!

-6- THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE

JIMMY(As in "What do you want me to do about it?';

And?

MILLIEMy hat, my scarf,

(Indicating her bare foot.)

my shoe!

JIMMYThey stole your shoe?

MILLIE

I While I waswearing it. Ten minutes in this town, and I havemy New York horror story.

JIMMYHoney, you're my New York horror story.

OIMMY starts to exit S.R.}

MILLIEBut it's every penny I have!

JIMMY(HE stops.)

Hey, I feel for you. I'll cross the street the next time I see you, but I feel for you. Girls likeyou arrive here everyday, so full of dreams you may as well be sleepwalking. Well, now thatyou're awake, why not ask yourself, "Do I belong here?" 'Cause New York is great, but thecost ofliving is high, and I'm not talkin' cash. And I can't help thinking if! were in your

(Indicating MILLIE's footwear predicament.)shoe, I'd make a beeline back to Keokuck or Gopherville or-

MILLIE(Defiantly.)

Salina,Kansas.OIMMYexits S.R., laughing at the small-town sound of Salina.

MILLIE calls after him.)And who are you, the un-welcome wagon?

(SHE starts to exit S.L. to continue her searchfor help. To her surprise,JIMMY reenters S.R., clearly annoyed.)

JIMMYLet me get this straight. You knock me flat on my back and make me late for a date with asweet little blonde, but still and all, I take a minute to give you some sound advice-mygood deed for the decade-

MILLIE

If this is your good deed, I'd hate to see a bad one, 'cause you're really not helping!

~OROUGHL Y MODERN MILLIE- 7 -

JIMMYI'm trying to, by telling you the way it is!- Look, you got a place to stay?

MILLIENo, but-

JIMMYAny friends or family nearby?

MILLIENo, but-

JIMMYAnd you don't have a job?

MILLIENo, but-

JIMMYNo buts. You ain't got nothin'.

(This takes the wind out of MILLIE's sails. JIMMY reachesfor herhand, and SHE recoils.)

Listen, I said I was doing you a good deed.UIMMY removesapen from hispocket and writes on MILLIE's hand.)

MILLIE(Reads what HE wrote.)

The "Hotel Priscilla"?

JIMMYA rooming house for actresses. They're used to girls who can't pay. Check yourself in, get agood night's sleep, then first thing tomorrow, wire home for train fare. Your folks will beonly too glad to send it, and you may not believe me now, but once you return to... uh...

(All those Western states sound alike.)Kansas, was it?

(MILLIE nods "yes.'j

You'll say to yourself,. (An exaggerated imitation of a hick.)"Well, I had my big adventure, but it sure is good to be back in my own bed."

UIMMYexits S.R., leavinf[ MILLIE alone and dispirited.)

MILLIETHEY SAID I WOULD SING THE HOMESICK BLUES....GRANNY, DEAR,MOTHER MINE,OLDAND GRAYATTWENTY-NINE.CALLOUSED HANDS, BROKEN HEART,DREAMSTHAT DIE BEFOREYOU START.

(Spoken.)I ain't got nothin'...

--- --

- 8 - THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE

MILLIE (CONT'D)(Gathering strength and determination with each word.)

so I ain't got nothin' to lose! Who needs a hat? Who needs a purse?(Calling O.S.R., regardingjIMMY.)

And who needs you, mister whoever-you-are?!(Crossing center.)

'Cause I'm a pioneerwoman, pal! The Woolworth Building! The Met LifeTower! There'sgold in them there hills,and I'm gonna get it or die trying!

(Sings.)DAYSOF YORE, KIND AND GENTLE,ASKME IF I'M SENTIMENTAL.NOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME!BOH-DOH-DEE-OH.NOT FOR THE LIFE OF,NOT FOR THE LIFE OF,NOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME!

(MILLIE exitsdefiantlyS.L.)

SCENE 2The lobby of the Hotel Priscilla, Residence for Young Ladies, a modestestablishment, but by no means dirty or rundown. The entrance isUS.R. On US.L. is a front desk, and behind it, a curtain which leadsto MRS. MEERS' office. Above the desk is a rack with keys, and a sign:"No tapping in lobby." There is a tiny elevator in the center, shaped likea birdcage and barely big enough for two. GLORIA, ALICE, RITA,RUTH, CORA and LUCILLE, are poring over the pages of Variety.

ALLBURN THE BRIDGE. BET THE STORE.BABY'SCOMING HOME NO MORE.NOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME

LUCILLE AND RITA ALICE AND CORA GLORIA AND RUT»

A LIFETHAT'S GOTTA BEMORE THAN A ONE-LIGHT TOWNWHERE THE LIGHT ISALWAYSRED.

GOTTA BEMORE THAN AONE-LIGHT TOWNWHERE THE LIGHT IS-

GODA BE MORE THAtONE-LIGHT TOWN.

ALLGOTTA BEMORE THAN AN OLD GHOST TOWNWHERE THE GHOST AIN'T EVEN DEAD.CLAPYOUR HANDS, JUST BECAUSEWHERE I AM AIN'T WHERE I WAS!NOT FOR THE LIFE OF

LUCILLE

THOROUGHL Y MODERN MILLIE - 9 -

CORAME.

ALICEME.

RUTHME.

GLO RIAME.

RITABOH-DOH-DEE-OH.

ALLNOT FOR THE LIFE OF,NOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME!

RUTH(In a nasal, abrasive, decidedly un-Juilliard School speaking voice.)

Can you believe old man Harris wouldn't even audition me for the latest Kaufman play?

GLORIA(The old-timer: SHE's been there almost a month!)

Ir's all about the office boy. Read him right, and you read for the role.

RITAOh, Gloria, I long to be like you.

ALICEMe, too. A little lived in.

(ETHEL PEAS entersin a panic, waving a tabloid newspaper thatboastsa huge headline: "White Slavery." SHE speaks with a southerndrawl.)

ETHELGirls, have y'all seen the Dai~y Graphic?

ALICE

(Zeroing in on a tiny item at the top cornerof thefront page.)"Manhattan's Most Eligible Bachelors!"

ETHEL(As the GIRLS "Oooh"and "Aaah" regardingthe bacheloritem.)

No, y'all. The headline! "White Slavery!"

- 10- THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE

RITA(Readingfrom the newspaper.)

"Innocent girls forced into lives oflicentiousness and degradation!"

GLO RIASo they're actresses?

ETHELIt's no joke. They're shipped to the Orient where they're sold as streetwalkers!

ALICE

That's one way to meet a man!

ETHEL

(A Southern expression,as in "Goodgrief")Good night!

CORA

Ethel's right. This is creepy. Listen:(Readingfrom the newspaper.)

"Dozens are believed to be missing, mostly orphans, whose sudden disappearance often goesunnoticed. "

(MRS. MEERS entersfrom her office, carrying a stack of mail. A formeractress-turned-criminal, SHE utilizes her acting skills by adopting thedisguise of a kindly Chinese proprietress of the hotel to mask her realprofession: White Slavery. Her disguise extends to her clothes, her wig, hermake-up, even her dialect. It's not important that MRS. MEERS'"Chinese" act be good, but it's essential that SHE think it brilliant. Theactressportraying MRS. MEERS should be encouraged to embrace theoffensiveness of her politically incorrect rendering of Asian, confident in theknowledge that, when contrasted with the actual Asian characters we meetlater on, her depiction of a hatefULstereotype will be busted as inauthenticand absurd.)

(Note that, for the sake of clarity, whenever MRS. MEERS' dialogue isintended to be spoken in a "Chinese" accent, it will appear in bold print.Thus her first line might sound something like "Sad to be awe arone inda whirld. Dough none of you need wolly, not with your beeg, warm,famiries." The foregoing example is intended as a suggestion only: therehave been as many MRS. MEERS' "Chinese" dialects as there have beenactresses who have played MRS. MEERS. A word of caution: no matterhow extreme her "Chinese" accent, it must be easily intelligible to theaudience.)

MRS. MEERSSad to be all alone in the world. Though none of you need worry, what with your big,warm families.

THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE - II -

ETHEL(Indicating the newspaper.)

3ut Mrs. Meers, you gotta read this.

MRS. MEERS

(Snatching the newspaperawayfrom ETHEL.)~o! You gotta read this: it's a telegram. For you, Ethel! Maybe you landed a role!

(ETHEL crossesto thefront desk as GIRLS "Oooh"and "Aaah"regardingher telegram. MRS. MEERS distributes mail to GIRLS.)

Ruwe, emergency fund from home. Alice, Gloria, Rita, Cora, Lucille, Millie... MillieOillmount? Where is she?

ALl CE

Pounding the pavement.

RITA

With her head, poor kid.

RUTHWho knewan officejob washarder to land than a part in a show?

GLORIA

She'splayedthe earlybird everyday this week.

LUCILLEBut no worm to show for it.

MRS. MEERS

And the rest of you? Why, I still recall how a then unknown Helen Hayes rose with therooster--

(THEY've heard it before.)

LUCILLE

That's our cue, girls.

RITA

(As GIRLS, minus ETHEL, crossto the door.)Don't fuss, Meersie. We'll make you proud.

GLORIA

If we're not shanghaied to Hong Kong!(GIRLS, minus ETHEL, exit U.S.R., giggling, ETHEL remains at the

front desk, seemingly in a state of shock.)

MRS. MEERSWhat is it Ethel? Not bad news?

----

- 12- THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE

ETHEL(Barely able to speak.)

Good night! My uncle.....(SHE hands MRS. MEERS the telegram. MR5. MEERS readsit.)

MRS. MEERS

"Miss Ethel Peas. Hotel Priscilla. Regret to inform you. Stop. Great uncle Cyruskilled. Stop. In freak threshing accident-" Stop!

(Picturing the image of bloody Uncle Cy.)What a way to go!

(Offering mere lip serviceas SHE starts to exit into her office,)Well, my condolences to your family.

ETHELWhat family? My parents diedwhen I wasa baby.

#4a - Little 01 hall Ethel i

MRS. MEERS

(Stops in her tracks.)I had no idea.

ETHELNo brothers, no sisters.

MRS. MEERSCousins? Aunts? Anyone to keep tab on you?

ETHELJust Uncle Cy and me, on a farm in the middle of nowhere.

I

MRS. MEERS(Barelycontaining her excitement.)

Sad to be all alone in the world. But step into my office and enjoy a soothing cup ofgreen tea. One of the mysteries of the Orient! By the time you Hnish, you be calm andquiet and ready for a very long nap.

(ETHEL exits into MR5. MEERS' office. MRS. MEERS grabs thephone and dials. SHE drops the "Chinese"accent, revealinga toughbusinesswomanwith an unmistakably American accent.)

Hello, Buddha? Butterfly here. I got one for you. A southern belle your customers willwanna ring! Four hundred bucks, cash only. What's there to think abour? This offer goodfor a limited time only, so order now! 'Attaboy, Buddha!

Meersie?

ETHEL

(From inside MRS. MEERS' office as MR5. MEERS hangs up.)

-

HOROUGHL Y MODERN MILLIE - 13-

MRS. MEERS(To ETHEL, back to the "Chinese" accent.)

Iming, dear.(MRS. MEERS hits the key rack, which flips around to reveal an

enormous switch-think electric chair. SHE throws the switch and the

"VACANCY" sign outside the front door lights up. SHE flips the rackagain to reveal the keys, and exits into her office. MILLIE enters U.S.R.and crossesto front desk. SHE rings the bell.)

MILLIE:eersie... hello?

(SHE rings again.)'s me... it's Millie.

(Impatient, MILLIE crossesto MR5. MEERS' office.)[eersie!?

MRS. MEERS(Enteringjust in time to bar MILLIE's entrance to her office.)

.uthorized persOlUlel only! Now where my rent?

MILLIEdon't have it yet--

MRS. MEERSXIe say today at noon!

MILLIEaut I finallyfound a job that meetsall my requirements,and they said they'd call by-

(The phone rings).[ bet it's them!

MRS. MEERS

(Answers phone.)

Hotel Priscilla. How may I help you? What's that? Millie Dillmount? Job?!(Sounds like good news!)

Mmmm. Aha. Oh, I see! Yes, I'd be delighted to give her message. Bye.(Hangs up' the phone and turns nasty on a dime. Real dragon lady.)

You didn't get it. I give you two minutes to pack your things or you find them on thestreet.

MILLIEBut Meersie-

MRS. MEERSMrs. Meers to you.

The other girls call you Meersie.MILLIE

- - - - -

- 14- TIIOROUGHL Y MODERN MILLIE

. MRS. MEERSThe other girls are paid in full. You had one week on credit and time run out!

(MRS. MEERS exits into her office. MISS DOROTHY BROWN entersU.S.R. SHE is expensively dressed. and carries Louis Vuitton suitcases.An old-fashioned beauty. MISS DOROTHY has clearly lived in a glassbubble of extreme wealth her entire life. but her c/uelessness in the ways ofthe real world is in no way haughty; in fact. it is her charm.)

MISS DOROTHYExcuseme, I'd like to inquire after the room for rent.

MILLIE

(Thinking MISS DOROTHY means MILLIE's room.)What are you, listening at the door? Even an ambulance chaser waits for a siren!

MISS DOROTHY

The sign says "vacancy."

MILLIEDon't believe everything you read.

MISS DOROTHYMay I please see the concierge?

MILLIEI don't know what that is, but I know this hotel hasn't got it.

MISS DOROTHYHeavens!

MILLIETrust me, you don't want to stay here. The manager's mean, the rooms are hot, and thewater always cold.

#5 - How the Other Hal Lives

. MISS DOROTHYTHIS IS LIVING! THIS IS WHAT I CALLLIVING!I'VE HUNGERED FOR THIS DAYSINCE HEAVEN KNOWS WHEN,YEARAFTER YEARWITH A SECRETYEN!ALLOF MY PRAYERS,ALLMYDESIRE,EV'RYWAKING MOMENT WITH MY HEART AFIRE!

MILLIE(Spoken.)

Well, you're out of luck. There's one room available,and it's mine. So unlessyou want aroommate-

rllOROUGHL y MODERN MILLIE - 15 -

MISS DOROTHY(Sings.)

NOW I'M LIVING! TELL ONE-AND-ALL I'M LIVING-

MILLIE(Spoken.)

ut a sock in it, sister!

(Formulating a plan.)'ou need a room, I need the rent... I guess we could room together-for a night or two,1at is. It's a single bed, so you take the floor.

MISS DOROTHY'erfect!

(MISS DOROTHY sings without a trace of irony. This is her heart'sdesire, despite how odd it may seem to the rest of us.)

GIVE ME THE MEAT WITHOUT THE GRAVY.I'LL TAKETHE OYSTERSANSTHE PEARL.PINCHING PENNIES, CLIPPING COUPONS,SEEA BRAND NEW WORLD UNFURL!LET ME BROWN BAGALL MY LUNCHES,TRYMYHAND AT CANNED CUISINE.A BERLITZCLASSI LONG TO PASS!HOW THE OTHER HALF,HOW THE OTHER HALF LIVES!

NO FOURTEEN-KARATCRONIES, PHONIES,FAIR-WEATHERFRIENDS.I WANT AN "ON-THE-DOLE" MATE, SOUL MATE,STORMY-WEATHERFRIENDS.

MILLIE(Spoken.)

~ut if you can afford the Ritz-

MISS DOROTHY(Sings.)

POUR ME THE MILK BUT HOLD THE HONEY.BRING ON THOSE FUNNY MONEY WOES.PAYINGPAULBYROBBING PETER.LAYAWAYTO BUYMYCLOTHES.SUMMER ON THE ISLEOF CONEY,WINTER IN HELL'S KITCHENETTE.I'LL TURN MY DIALTO RANK AND FILE.HOW THE OTHER HALF-

MILLIEHOW THE OTHER HALF LIVES!POOR? NOT ME, HONEY.I DON'T WANT THOSE MONEY WOES.I'LL MARRYPAULOR DAVE OR RGB OR PETER,

- 16- TtIOROUGHL Y MODERN MILLIE."'.:

MILLIE (CONT'D)SO I CAN BUYMY CLOTHES AT SAKSFIFTH AVENUE,BERGDORFGOODMAN,TOO. .THE PRIVILEGEDFEW, PLUSYOU-KNOW-WHO.HOW THE OTHER HALF,

BOTHHOW THE OTHER HALF LIVES!

MILLIE

(Spoken.)We could be very good for each other. I'll show you how to eat on a nickel. I

MISS DOROTHYAnd I'll show you which fork to use.

MILLIEI'll teach you how to stretch a dollar.

MISS DOROTHYAnd I'll teach you how to invest one.

MILLIE

I'm on the way up!

MISS DOROTHYI'm on the way down!

MILLIEIt's a good thing we met in the middle!

MISS DOROTHY(Sings.)

POUR ME THE MILKBUT HOLD THE HONEY.BRING ON THOSE FUNNY

MONEY WOES.PAYINGPAULBYROBBING

PETER.LAYAWAYTOBUYMY CLOTHES.SUMMER ON THE ISLE OF

CONEY,WINTER IN HELL'S

KITCHENETTE!

MILLIE(Sings.)

POOR?NOT ME, HONEY.I DON'T WANT THOSE

MONEY WOES.I'LL MARRYPAULOR DAOR ROB OR PETER,SO I CANBUYMY CLOTHESAT SAKSFIFTH AVENUE,

BERGDORF GOODMAN, 1'1

MISS DOROTHYA WILD SOJOURN,

JROUGIR Y MODERN MILLIE - 17-

MILLIESO I CAN LEARN,

BOTHLIVIN' LIKETHE OTHER HALF!

MISS DOROTHYvery first poor person!

MILLIE(Her feathers ruffled.)

{, I'm broke, not poor.

::re'sa difference? MISS DOROTHY 118 :!

MILLIEd how! Poor sounds permanent, brokecan be fixed. I havea plan so far ahead of its time,almost toobold, toodaring, toonewwoman!

MILLIE

MISS DOROTHYu're frightening me!

MILLIEah? Then this'llstraighten your curls:I'm going to marry my boss!

MISS DOROTHYhen?

lon't know. I haven't got one yet!

MISS DOROTHY.rely you believe that love-

MILLIE

as nothing to do with it! Don't you read Vogue? This month's issue clearly states thatodem marriage is a business arrangement. Love comes later, occasionally with the manlu're actually married to.

MISS DOROTHY

'here will you find him?

MILLIEhe classifieds.I've been interviewingbossafter boss, but so far, married, married,engaged,tarried,single-and-I-can-see-why-

MISS DOROTHYlon't you read the tabloids?

- 18- THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE

MISS DOROTHY (CONT'D)(Removesa newspaperfrom herpurse and shows it to MILLIE.)

I find they really caprure the flavor of the huddled masses.

MILLIE"Manhattan's Most Eligible Bachelors."

MISS DOROTHY"The moversand shakersthat makeManhattan tick!" All of whom needwives....

MILLIEAnd one of whom must need a stenog!

(MRS. MEERS entersfromher office,still enragedat MILLIE.)

MRS. MEERS(In "Chinese" accent.)

Millie-?

MILLIEMrs. Meers, before you bite my head off-

MRS. MEERS(Instantly sweet when SHEseesMISS DOROTHY.)

Silly Millie, Meersie doesn't bite. But who's your friend?

MILLIEWe haven't met. Millie Dillmount.

MISS DOROTHYAnd I'm Miss Dorothy Brown, from Californ.ia.

MRS. MEERSAn actress, are you?

MISS DOROTHYHow did you guess?

MRS. MEERS(Sizing up her White Slaverypotential: SHE likes what SHE sees!)

I've a keen eye for talent. Now, what can I do for you, Dorothy?

MISS DOROTHYMiss Dorothy.

MILLIEShe's gonna bunk with me, and pay the rent till I find a suitable boss.

MRS. MEERSNo need for you to double up. I float you ano~er week.

WROUGHL Y MODERN MILLIE - 19-

MISS DOROTHYnere does that leave me?

MRS. MEERS

luck would have it, a nice, sunny room just become available, right next door toillie.

MILLIE)u mean, 1208? But Ethel Peas-

MRS. MEERS(Shut up. Millie.)

thel Peas just check out.

MILLIEhe only just checked in.

MRS. MEERS(Shut up, Millie!)

~thel joined an all-girl repertory company for their Mongolian tour.

MILLIEBurshe chewedmy ear offnot two hours ago about her nonexistentcareer.

MRS. MEERS

MILLIE(Helping MISS DOROTHY with her luggage as THEY enter the

,'. elevator.)

}'~s way, Miss Dorothy. And "other half' lesson number one: some of the girls practice>(heIrroutines in here on account of the hardwood floor. I think it did something to the:~~achinery. Now you have to tap dance to get this thing going.

~~f,.1 .,~

(SHUT UP, MILLIEJ)That's show biz! .

(All sweetness again with a geisha giggle.)

Now if you'd register Dorothy. I mean, Miss Dorothy. Mail's in, Millie. Always somefor you. Millie has such a big, warm family... do you have such a big, warm family,Miss Doroth~

MISS DOROTHYI'm an orphan.

. MRS. MEERS(Too good to be true, but tries to cover it.)

Are you? Sad to be all alone in the world.t.... (Handing MISS DOROTHYa key.)Twelfth floor, dear.- ,.2~,II._ 11" __

(MRS. MEERS exits into her office.)

r!

.:...- 20- nlOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE

MILLIE (CONT'D)(MILLIE showsMISS .DOROTHY how to start the elevator with a tap

step and togetherthey tap dance their way towards the twelfth floor.MILLIE continues to instruct MISS DOROTHY)

And kick. Kick, kick!

~

I! I-

I

BOTH(Sing.)

LIVIN' LIKETHE OTHER HALF!(As the elevator ascends, MILLIE and MISS DOROTHYad lib lines,

e.g. '1'll introduce you to the girls, Miss Dorothy." "Perfect!" "They're atough bunch, but you 'ilfit right in. " etc. Note that the Broadwayproduction employed afunctioning elevator, but there are othtr ways torender it, e.g., a square of light on the floor with a floor indicatoroverhead. The Authors welcome thinking outside the box, but in noevent should the conceit of the tap dancing elevator be eliminated.)

I

#5b - II/to tbe Laundry

SCENE 3

The laundry room of the Hotel Priscilla. CHING HO and BUN FOOarefolding towels at a laundry table. MRS. MEERS enters S.L.,wheeling a laundry cart. Note that the actressportraying MRS. MEERSmust be specific about when SHE does and does not adopt her "Chinese"accent. It should only be used when MRS. MEERS is talking to thosewho don't know about her criminal activities, e.g. MILLIE, MISSDOROTHY, the PRISCILLA GIRLS. Thus, in the following scene,when SHE's addressing her henchmen, SHE doesn't use the accent.

MRS. MEERS(Triumphantly waving the Dailv Graphic.)

Boys, here's one for the scrapbook: front page! And look,(Opening the newspaper and pointing.)

there I am!

(CHING HO and BUN FOO study the photo, then study her.)Okay, so it's an old picture. With numbers across my chest. But those days are over! All ofNew York may be searching for Daisy Crumpler, but no one pays a whit of attention to

("Chinese" accent.)"Mrs. Meers."

(Dropping the accent.)Of course, I can't take all the credit. Mter all, I studied acting with Stanislavsky andelocution with Mrs. Fiske, but I still say, just give me the right wig, and I can play anything!

(Back to business, barking out orders.)Bun Foo, take Ethel to Buddha, four hundred bucks, C.O.D., A.S.A.P. A5 for you, ChingHo, our new arrival is used to the finer things... so let's give her room service, a little snackwith enough chloroform to knock her our all the way to Hong Kong!

(MRS. MEERS startsto exit SL)

)ROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE - 21-

CHING HO AND BUN Faa(In unison.)

(MRS. MEERS stops in her tracks, clearly annoyed. SHE removes adreaded Chinese/English dictionary from her pocket. SHE crossestoBUN Faa as SHE flips through the dictionary.)

MRS. MEERS1Foo...

(SHE finds the word, and painstakingly sounds it out. Note that thetranslation below isfor the actors' use only. It should not be translatedfor the audience until so indicated in the script.)

MRS. MEERS TRANSLATION

2g Ethel. Take Ethel.

(BUN Faa indicates that HE understands, soMRS. MEERS flipsthrough the dictionary until SHE finds the next word.)

MRS. MEERS TRANSLATION'ui Buddha. To Buddha.

(BUN FOO can't decipherwhat SHE's trying to say, soMRS. MEERStries a more extreme pronunciation.)

MRS. MEERS TRANSLATION

MRS. MEERSeui iiiiiiiiiiii ii?

(HE still can't decipher the word, so SHE tries another pronunciation.}eUl?

lddha!(BUN FOO nods. SHE got it right, and SHE loves to be right!)

(SHE flips through the dictionary until SHE finds the next word.)

~ibaak. Four hundred.

:ash?

MRS. MEERS(The one English word SHE thinks HE'll recognize.)

(HE nods "yes." SHE crossesto CHING HO.)

rs for you, Ching Ho....(Flipping through dictionary.)

loom service... room service...

. (SHEfinds it.)loom service!

~ (SHE tries to sound it out.)!..f-f-f-f-ffffffT. .. Famayayayayayayay....~ (Turns to CHING HO for help. and SHE hatesaskingfor help. SHE

~I shows him the dictionary, and HE coachesher through it.)

itI "L-.

- 22- THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE TH-.--

II

\ ,"

; .

CHING HO

MRS. MEERSMouh. K

hCHING HO

Yiihn.

MRS. MEERSFongmouhyuhn for Miss Dorothy!

TRANSLATIONRoom servicefor Miss Dorothy.

MRS. MEERS(Crossesto laundry cart and addressesETHEL inside it.)

Dear Ethel. "Parting is such sweet sorrow that I shall say-(Imitating ETHEL s southern drawl.)

'Good night!'(Dropping the southern drawl.)

till it be morrow."

(CHING HO and BUN FOO don't know their Shakespeare, so the jokeis lost on them. MRS. MEERS exits S.L. in a pique offtustration.)

(Note that throughout the play, CHING HO and BUN FOO speak inCantonese and sing in Mandarin, Do not attempt to decipher theirdialogue and/or lyricsphonetically. In the interest of accuracy - which isunequivocally the Author's intent - an audio instructional guide to thecorrect pronunciation is available through MTI. In addition the Englishtranslation of the Chinese must be translated for the audience. TheBroadway production emplo..yedsupertitles on a screen hung over thestage. There are other ways to handle the translation, from high-tech tohandheld signs, but in the script, the term "supertitle" will be used toindicate that the Chinese being spoken or sung must somehow betranslated for the audience. Whatever device is used, the pacing of thisfirst scene between CHING HO and BUN FOa should give theaudience time to adjust to watching the action while reading thetranslation.)

Fong.

Fong.

MRS. MEERS

CHING HO

i N

M6iih. 10

-...---

OUGHL Y MODERN MILLIE

CHING HO(RegardingMRS. MEERS.)

I gok daak keuih h6u tou ylm.

BUN FOOm hilih keuih h6u slk mim.

CHING HO

.ih haak sam. Yuh gw6 Meih gw6k muhngI gam ge, mat yuhn j6 sIn gIu seng ngoh.

BUN FOO

.g mou dlla, sai 16u.Leih sl hah heui gungSngwan yah iflhman?

CHING HO

1een! Cheen! -Sehngyaht dou gong cheen.

BUN FOO

ang haih la, faai di wan dou cheen, jauh faai di'aai ah ma gwo leih a ma.

- 23 -

SUPERTITLE

I don't like that woman.

SUPER TITLEShe's got a good head for business.

SUPERTITLEAnd a heart of steel. If that's the AmericanDream, wake me when it's over.

SUPERTITLE

Grow up, baby brother. You think we couldhave saved $25 working in a sweat shop?

SUPERTITLEMoney! That's allyou care about.

SUPERTITLE

Damn right, because the faster we earn it,the sooner we bring Mama over fromHong Kong.

CHING HO SUPERTITLEJam keuihjauh gau wai la. "Tai hah ngoh Won't she be proud? "My sons, theleuhnggo jai ah, jyun jouh gwaai daai yahn ge." kidnappers."

BUN FOO

Daahnhaih keuih wuih hai ngoh deih nl d6uh.~h tung leih seung ngoh deih faan Heung gong,yauhm6uh cheen, yauh m6uh chlhn touh.

SUPERTITLE

At least she'll be here, with us. Unless you'drather we return to Hong Kong, to nomoney, to no future!

(A short be'!t, then CHING HO makes a decision.)

CHING HOQfao shao diao.

SUPERTITLEBurn the bridge.

,

#6 - 'Not 01'the Ii e 0 lV/e'Re rise 1

Dian d5 duo

CHING HO(Spoken.)

SUPERTITLE

Bet the store.

- 24- THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE 1-..--

CHING HO(Sings.)

GUAI GVAI BU zAI HUEI nALIAO.

ZHE SHENG HUO WO BU YAG.

BUN FOOSHENG HUO YAG BI YI-DENGXIAO ZHEN GENG FAN RONGER QIE DENG SHI YONG YUAN

HONG.

BOTH- , " "SHENG HUO YAO BI GUICHENG GENG RE NAG,

, v - , -LIAN GUI GUAI DOU HUO ZHE.

(Spoken.)JIa yo! JIa yo! JIa yo!

(Sing.)pAl pAl SHOU, ZHI DAG MA,WO DE JlN TIAN BU SHI GUO

QU yf YANG LA.ZHE SHENG HUO WO BU YAG.BOH-DOH-DEE-OH.ZHE SHENG HUO WO BU YAG!

SUPERTITLE y(

Baby's coming home no more.Not for the life of me. M

SUPERTITLE S<

A life that's gotta be more than a one-lightwhere the light is always red.

SUPERTITLEGotta be more than an old ghost town, whthe ghost ain't even dead.

s

1-Go team! Go team! Go team!

Clap your hands, just because,Don't you kno'\n.that where I am ain't whe'was.Not for the life of me.Boh-doh-dee-o'" . .Not for the life of me!

I:

(THEY exit S.R. with the cart containing ETHEL.)

1f

SCENE 4

#7 - 0 lce Crossover . .. ....

I

MILLIE enters D.S.L. SHE crossesnames offher list ofba,.,I,elors, thencircles a name and exits D.S.R. FILE CLERKS at the Sincere Trust

Insurance Company enter U.S.R., wheeling desks in a D.S. arc, then exitU.S.L. Seated at the desks are fast-typing STENOGS. FILE CLERKSand STENOGS tap dance to simulate the sound of an office: FILECLERKS and STENOGS reenter, forming a line D.S. MISSFLANNERYenters D.S.I., seated at a desk and wheeled on by twoSPEED TAPPISTS. STENOGS and FILE CLERKS stand at attentionuntil MISS FLANNERY is situated D.S.R., then start to exit U.S.L. as

MILLIE reenters D.S.I. MILLIE works her way through the maze ofdesks until all FILE CLERKS, STENOGS and SPEED TAPPISTShave exited, and MILLIE has reached MISS FLANNERY's desk.

I'm looking for a Miss Flannery?

MILLIE

THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE

- 25-

MISS FLANNERY

You'relookingat a Miss Flannery. Youare?

tI

MILLIE

MillieOillmount, to seeMr. Trevor Graydon.

MISS FLANNERY

igh''1~~.iI

Senior, Junior or the Third?

MILLIE

(A slip.)Whichever's single.

MISS FLANNERY

, wherd* Single?!

MILLIE

(A quick recovery.)Handed! In need of a typist. Shorthand, too.

MISS FLANNERY

N umber Three.where I

MILLIE

Is he hiring?

MISS FLANNERY

Theoretically. Meanwhile, he's looked at every stenog in the tri-state area. Not a one of 'emfast enough.

MILLIE

I'm fast.- MISS FLANNERY

So I gathered.

MILLIE

I meant on my machine.

MISS FLANNERY

I didn't.(Inspecting MILLIE's face.)

Is that rouge?

MILLIE

You don't like me.

MISS FLANNERY

I don't likemoderns, missy,and you're as up-to-dat~ as theycome.

j

.-:......-.- 26- THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE

MILLIE(The nicest thing anyone s ever said to her.)

Thank you!

MISS FLANNERY

It wasn't a compliment! And you'd better be fast, if you want the job.(Into the intercom, her voicedripping with honey.)

Mr. Graydon? A Miss Dillmount here to see you, sir.(To MILLIE.)

(; -I

Move it!

#7a - Front and Center !

(MILLIE exitsS.R. MISS FLANNERY wheelsherselfoffS.L. Three . ,-

SPEED TAPPISTS tap on S.R., exchangingpapersas they cross. THEYexit S.L. asMR. TREVOR GRAYDON entersS.L., seatedat an

imposing desk and eyeing hispocket watch. MILLIE enters.)

MR. GRAYDON

Congratulations, Miss Dillmount. It takes the average applicant seven seconds to walk fromFlannery's perch to my way station. I clocked you at six-point-four. That's swell, just swell!The early bird and all that. -.

iI

~

I

I

I

I

MILLIE(Regarding his movie star looks.)

Beautiful.

MR. GRAYDONHow's that?

MILLIE iUh...

II

(Spots a trophy on his desk.)

your beautiful trophy. I love baseball.

MR. GRAYDON(Completely unaware of MILLIEs attraction to him.)

Golf. I won it for golf. May I see your references?

MILLIEI don't have any, but I'm a hard worker and a fast learner-

MR. GRAYDONNo references?How about previousemployers?

MILLIEI don't have any of those, either.

MR. GRAYDONYou don't?

TI-IOROUGHL Y MODERN MILLIE - 27-

MR. GRAYDON (CONT'D)(A beat.)

I like that!

MILLIEYou do?

MR. GRAYDON

Absolutely. Isn't this the land of opportunity, Miss Dillmount, a place where the rightcombination of aptitude and enthusiasm can take a girl from nowhere straight to the top?So let's do this the American way:

(Removing hisjacket.)Bolt the door, take off your things, let's have a taste.

'.,

'YMILLIE

t Excuse me?MR. GRAYDON

valk fromiust swell!

Take a letter.

(MR. GRA YDON hands MILLIE a steno pad and pen, then gestures forher to sit.)

MR. GRAYDONTo Mr.John Hudson, Hudson's FloorWax. You'll find an invoicein the file for theaddress."Dear Mr. Hudson." Colon.

(Sings.)MY EYESARE FULLYOPEN TO MYAWFUL SITUATION,SO I'M WRITING YOU A LETTER TO DEMAND AN EXPLANATION.WHEN THE FLOOR WAXTHAT WE BOUGHT FROM YOU ARRIVED

HERE MONDAY MORNING,WE DISCOVERED UPON USAGETHAT THE FUME SHOULD HAVEA

WARNING.SINCE THE ONLY POSSIBILITYISTHAT YOUR WAXIS RANCID,I REQUEST A FULLREFUND OF ALLTHE MONEY WE

(An elaborate vocal flourish.)ADVAN-CED.

(Back to business.)AND UNLESSYOU CAN CONVINCE ME YOU'VE IMPROVED THE

FLOOR WAXBATTER,WE WILL TAKE OUR BUSINESSELSEWHERE,SO I HOPE YOU SOLVE

i;~ii, THIS MATTER.

~'-;~~ko (Spoken.)

I:r~'~;z~t w's my speed, Miss Dillmount?

1

.,.

,~ MILLIE

'Jlw/_?,1~1' (Seductive~ycrossingher legs.)~~""~f ; atde slow. nerha ps,m,!;". t .

- - -.. - .- . - - .-- . .. .... ... .- - ... . . -

- Z!!- Tl-IOROUGHL Y MODERN MILLIE...........-

MR. GRAYDON

II

(Sings at faster tempo.)ENCLOSED YOU'LL FIND A SMALLCONTAINER OF THE STUFF I

TALKABOUT.JUST CAREFULLYREMOVE THE LID AND TAKEA WHIFF IF

YOU'VEA DOUBT.I'M SUREYOU WOULDN'T WANT ME TO ALERTTHE DAILY

PAPERSWITH THE NEWS OF HOW OUR OFFICE WASAFFECTED BYYOUR

VAPORS,WHICH IS WHY I CHOOSE TO WRITE TO YOU A CONFIDENTIAL

LEITERFULL OF STRONG RECOMMENDATIONS THAT YOU MAKEYOUR

FLOOR WAX BEITER.I JUST HOPE IT WON'T REQUIRE US TO HAVE OUR FLOOR

RELAID,ANDIF IT DOES YOU MAYEXPECTA BILL. SINCERELY,TREVOR

GRAYDON.(Spoken.)

Read that back to me, please.

MILLIEt ~Certainly. "Dear Mr. Hudson." Colon.

(Sings atfaster tempo.)MY EYES ARE FULLY OPEN TO MY AWFUL SITUATION,SO I'M WRITING YOU A LEITER TO DEMAND AN EXPLANATION. t yWHEN THE FLOOR WAX THAT WE BOUGHT FROM YOU ARRIVED

HERE MONDAY MORNING,WE DISCOVERED UPON USAGETHAT THE FUME SHOULD HAVEA J

WARNING.SINCE THE ONLY POSSIBILITY IS THAT YOUR WAX IS RANCID,I REQUEST A FULL REFUND OF ALL THE MONEY WE

(Imitating his elaboratevocalflourish.)ADVAN-CEO.

MR. GRAYDON(Spoken.)

Nice!

MILLIE(Sings.)

AND UNLESSYOU CAN CONVINCE ME YOU'VE IMPROVED THEFLOOR WAX BAITER,

WE WILL TAKE OUR BUSINESSELSEWHERE,SO I HOPE YOU SOLVETHIS MATIER.

MR. GRAYDON(Spoken.)

Not half bad. Please continue.

WROUGHL Y MODERN MILLIE - 29-

MILLIE(Singsatfaster tempo.) .

ENCLOSED YOU'LL FIND A SMALLCONTAINER OF THE STUFF ITALKABOUT.

JUST CAREFULLYREMOVE THE LID AND TAKE A WHIFF IFYOU'VE A DOUBT.

I'M SUREYOU WOULDN'T WANT ME TO ALERT THE DAILYPAPERS

WITH THE NEWS OF HOW OUR OFFICE WASAFFECTED BYYOURVAPORS,

WHICH IS WHY I CHOOSE TO WRITE TO YOU A CONFIDENTIALLETTER

FULL OF STRONG RECOMMENDATIONS THAT YOU MAKEYOURFLOOR WAX BETTER.

I JUST HOPE IT WON'T REQUIRE US TO HAVE OUR FLOORRELAID,AND

IF IT DOES YOU MAYEXPECTA BILL. SINCERELY,TREVORGRAYDON.

MR. GRAYDON(Spoken asHE crossesD.S.I.)

s Dillmount, may I speak frankly?

MILLIE

Uoining MR. GRAYDON D.S.I.)

(MR. GRAYDON leadsMILLIE S.R. asSTENOGS reenterfrom U.S.center. MISS FLANNERY entersS.R. with an empty desk.}

MR. GRAYDONIF I COULD BESO LUCKYASTO HAVEA GOOD STENOGRAPHER,TO KEEPTHIS PLACEAS UP-TO-DATE ASHER SHORT SKIRTAND

BOBBED COIFFURE,I WOULDN'T HAVE TO WORRY 'BOUT OUR SOURED OFFICE

PLANKING,AND COULD CONCENTRATE ON GENERATING PROFITS RIPE FOR

BANKING.THAT IS WHY I'M TESTING YOU WITH THIS OUTRAGEOUS

CORRESPONDENCE,WHICH I DON'T INTEND TO ACTUALLYMAILTO THE

RESPONDENTS.(Spoken.)

(Sings.)IF YOU CAN MAKE SENSEOF MY UNINTELLIGIBLE PATTER,THEN THE JOB IS YOURS AND HUDSON'S FLOOR WAX REALLY

DOESN'T MATTER.

MILLIEHUDSON'S FLOOR WAX DOESN'T MATTER?

II,I

~ ')f.~:'.''l

--:.........

.It

- 30- THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIEr

MILLIEMATTER, MATTER,MATTER, MATTER.HUDSON'S FLOOR WAXDOESN'T MATTER!MATTER, MATTER,MATTER, MATTER.

MR. GRAYDONHUDSON'S FLOOR WAXDOESN'T MATTER!MATTER, MATTER,MATTER, MATTER.HUDSON'S FLOOR WAXDOESN'T MATTER!

MISS FLANNER\AND STENOGS\

ii,

HUDSON'S FLOOR WJDOESN'TMATTER! 1

MATTER, MATTER, IMATTER, MATTER.i

II

MR. GRAYDON(Spoken to MILLIE.)

I want that letter on my desk in tWo minutes flat. Man your machine! Go!

(MR. GRAYDON exits S.L. and MISS FLANNERY exits U.S.R.,

MILLIE sits at desk S.R. and types twice asfast as STENOGS, who areclearly impressed. FILE CLERKS and SPEED TAPPISTS enter U.S.R.SPEED TAPPISTS challenge MILLIE with tap steps, which she executesflawlessly while continuing to type. Soon, STENOGS, FILE CLERKSand SPEED TAPPISTS are dancing, but MILLIE remains seated, herfingers flying over those keys. ALL freeze as MR. GRA YDON enters S.L.,pocket watch in hand, flllowf.1. by MISS FLANNERY)

MR. GRAYDONThirty seconds,Miss Dillmont. Flannery?!

(MR. GRAYDON exitsS.R.,followedbyMISS FLANNERY ALLresumedancinguntil MR. GRAYDON reentersS.R.,followedbyMISSFLANNERY)

Time!(MR. GRAYDON yanks the letter from MILLIE's typewriter as MISS

FLANNERY, STENOGS, FILE CLERKS and SPEED TAPPISTS

gather round him. HE reads the letter.)"Dear Mr. Hudson." .

MISS FLANNERY AND OFFICE WORKERSColon.

j

- - -.- - - --+ -

THOROUGHLY tytODERN MILLIE

~ I!;,I ..

'IIJ.~

MR. GRAYDON

MY EYESARE FULLY OPEN TO

MY AWFUL SITUATION,

SO I'M WRITING YOU ALETTER

TO DEMAND ANEXPLANATION.

WHEN THE FLOOR WAX THATWE BOUGHT FROMYOU

ARRIVED HERE MONDAYMORNING,

WE DISCOVERED UPONUSAGE

THAT THE FUME SHOULDHAVE A WARNING.

SINCE THE ONLY POSSIBILITYIS THAT YOUR WAX IS

RANCID,I REQUEST A FULL REFUND OF

ALL THE MONEY WEADVANCED.

AND UNLESSYOU CANCONVINCE MEYOU'VE IMPROVEDTHE FLOOR WAXBATTER,

WE WILL TAKE OUR BUSINESSELSEWHERE, SO I.HOPE YOU SOLVETHIS MATTER.

MISS FLANNERY AND"" STENOGS~"fflOPE YOU SOLVE THIS MAITER.

. 'RR, MAITER, MATTER,R.

OPEYOU SOLVE THIS MA ITER.R, MAITER,.MA ITER,

, -,';t;R.

- - -- -------

- 31 -

MISS FLANNERY AND OFFICEWORKERS

MATTER MA ITER MATTERMA ITER

MATTER MATTER MATTERMATTER.

MATTER MATTER MATTERMATTER

MATTER MATTER MATTERMATTER.

MATTER MATTER MATTERMATTER

MATTER MATTER MATTERMATTER.

MATTER MATTER MATTERMATTER

MATTER MATTER MATTER.

(Gasp)MATTER MATTER MATTER

MATTERMATTER MATTER MATTER

MATTER.MATTER MATTER MATTER

MATTER

MATTER MATTER MATTERMATTER.

MATTER MATTER MATTERMATTER

MATTER MATTER MATTERMATTER.

MATTER MATTER MATTERMATTER

MATTER MATTER.

FILE CLERKS AND SPEEDT APPISTS

SO I HOPE YOU SOLVETHIS MATTER.MATTER,MATTER,MATTER,MATTER.SO I HOPE YOU SOLVETHIS MATTER.

MISS FLANNERY AND OFFICE WORKERSSO I HOPE YOU SOLVETHIS MATTER.SO I HOPE YOU SOLVETHIS MATTER.SO I HOPE YOU SOLVETHIS MATTER.

- 32- THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE

MISS FLANNERY AND OFFICE WORKERS (CONT'D)~TTER,~TTER,~TTER,~TTER!

MR. GRAYDON(Spoken.)

Going on!(Continues reading letter. HE Sings asfast aspossible while clearly

enunciating every word.)ENCLOSED YOU'LL FIND A S~LL CONTAINER OF THE STUFF I

TALKABOUT.JUST CAREFULLYREMOVE THE LID AND TAKE A WHIFF IF

YOU'VE A DOUBT.I'M SUREYOU WOULDN'T WANT ME TO ALERT THE DAILY

PAPERSWITH THE NEWS OF HOW OUR OFFICE WASAFFECTED BYYOUR

VAPORS,WHICH ISWHY I CHOOSE TO WRITE TO YOU A CONFIDENTIAL

LETTERFULL OF STRONG RECOMMENDATIONS THAT YOU ~E YOUR

FLOOR WAX BETTER.I JUST HOPE IT WON'T REQUIRE US TO HAVE OUR FLOOR

RELAID,ANDIF IT DOES YOU ~Y EXPECT A BILL. SINCERELY,TREVOR

GRAYDON.(A dramatic pause, then to MILLIE.)

YOU HAVE MADE THE TEAM, MISS DILLMOUNT!

MISS FLANNERY AND OFFICE WORKERSYOU HAVE ~DE THE TEAM, MISS DILLMOUNT!

MILLIE(To OFFICEWORKERS.)

TELL ME WHERE MY DESK IS, WHEN WE EAT LUNCH,HOW MUCH I'LL BE PAID, AND NICE TO MEET YOU,I KNOW WE'LL BE FRIENDS, JUST CALLME MILLIE GRAYDON.

ALL MINUS MILLIEMILLIE GRAYDON?

MILLIE(Spoken.)

I mean Dillmount!

ALL MINUS MILLIE(Sing.)

MILLIE DILLMOUNT?

MILLIE(Spoken to herself)

Someday Graydon.

"

CHING HO

- 33 -

ALL MINUS MILLIE(Sing.)

GRAYDON? DILLMOUNT?DILLMOUNT? GRAYDON?GRAYDON? DILLMOUNT?

MILLIE I

I

(Spoken.)raydon!

ALL

(Sing.)AAAAAAH.!

#8a - 'S eed Test' Playa

The twelfth floor hallway of the Hotel Priscilla, a row offive doors.MRS. MEERS enters S.L., followed by CHING HO, who is carrying atray that holds a covered dish and a rose in a vase. MRS. MEERSuncovers the dish, revealing an apple, which SHE injects with a large

hypodermic needle. SHE knocks on MISS DOROTHY's door and exitsS.R.

MISS DOROTHY(From inside her room.)

:es?

~HOROUGHL Y MODERN MILLIE

SUPERTITLE

:Congmouh yuhn. Room service.

MISS DOROTHY(From inside her room.)

Beg pardon?

CHING HO SUPERTITLE

Pongmouh yuhn! Room service.

(MISS DOROTHY exits her room as CHING HO inspects the tray.)

MISS DOROTHYDear me. I didn't order anything.

#8b - How sweet .

(CHING HO looks up from the tray and, seeing MISS DOROTHY for

the first time, is instantly smitten with her.)

- 34- nlOROUGHL y MODERN MILLIE THOROUGHLY

MISS DOROTHYI said I didn't-

(CHING HO presentsher with the rose.)How sweet! I never could refuse a rose.

. Mai juh, Lotdim di fo bat

CHING HONgoh chuhng meih gIn gwo h6u chfh leih gamleng ge, SIUje.

Heavens!

SUPERTITLE

II think you're the most beautiful girl I've ever ...seen. r

,",s.~r£I

)

MISS DOROTHY(A guess at what he's saying.)

All right, if you insist.(MISS DOROTHY takes the tray, but CHING HO snatches the

covered dish off the tray, startling MISS DOROTHY) You gentlemt

CHING HO SUP ERTITLEAnd thank y(

Mrs. Maiyisi-? Mrs. Meers-

MISS DOROTHYWho? Must I do ev

CHING HO SUPERTITLE Bun Foo, tabMrs. Maiyisi-?! Mrs. Meers-

CHING HO(MISS DOROTHY shakes her head "no. "CHING HO does his best

MRS. MEERS imitation, a Chinese person's take on a fake Chineseaccent. The result is incomprehensible yet oddly familiar to MISSDOROTHY and us.)

"Sad to be awe arone in da whirld."

Good afternl

Hello, littleMISS DOROTHY

#8c - CMrs. Meers!

(When CHING HO nods "yes.")What about her?

CHING HO SUPERTITLEKeuih h6u y6ung hIm a! She'svery dangerous.

(BUN FOO entersS.R. wheelinga laundrycart.)

A California

For the CaUTake a bite.

An apple a c

- - --

THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE - 35-

BUN FOOv

. M5ijuh, Lohmatngaau. ChInkeihmh h6udim di fo ban.

SUPERTITLEHold on, Romeo. Don't flirt with themerchandise.

've everCHING HO

Mat h~ihgam mouh 15ihmaauh ga!

SUPERTITLEDon't be rude!

BUN FOO

Mat leih gam cheun ga!

SUPERTITLEDon't be stupid!

MISS DOROTHY

(Caught in the middle of a quarrel SHE doesn't understand.)You gentlemen clearly have pressing matters to discuss, so I'll leave you to it.

(To CHING HO.)And thank you. I so appreciate the rose.

(SHE exits into her room asMRS. MEERS entersS.R.)

MRS. MEERS(No "Chinese" accent.)

Must I do everything myself?(To BUN FOO, indicating CHING HO.)

Bun Foo, take.care of your brother. And I'll take care of Miss Dorothy.(MRS. MEERS knockson MISS DOROTHY's door. MISS

DOROTHYexits her room. )

MISS DOROTHYGood afternoon, Mrs. Meers.

MRS. MEERS("Chinese" accent.)

Hello, little lady. I have something for you, my way of saying welcome to the Priscilla!

#8c - Cali onzia A Ie No. 1 ~-.;.

(MRS. MEERS lifts the coveroff the dish. )

MISS DOROTHYE A California apple!

MRS. MEERSFor the California orphan. Sad to be all alone in the world. But don't look back.Take a bite.

IU' I

J-t

MISS DOROTHYAn apple a day!

(As MISS DOROTHY's hand reaches the apple, RUTH enters S.R.,speaking at such a clip that MISS DOROTHY can't get a word inedgewise.)

. -_..

- 36- THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE

. RUTHWell, hello! You're new. You an actress? I'm an actress, but we couldn't be more diso we'll never be up for the same part, which is a good thing, don' cha think? RuthDevereaux-my stage name, anyway. My real name's Dombrowsky, but imagine th:marquee! Nice chattin' with 'ya. Bye!

(RUTH exits into her room with apiercing giggle.)

MRS. MEERS

I Now where were we? Ah, yes.

#8d -Sajij'rJrniaApple No.2 _

(MRS. MEERS againpresents the apple.)

MISS DOROTHYMmmm, it smells very ripe.

MRS. MEERSII That's because it's juicy. Go on, have a taste.

(As MISS DOROTHY's hand reaches the apple, ALICE exits her room

ALICESay, where'd you get that? I'm starved!

MISS DOROTHYI'll share it with you.

ALl CE(Grabbing the apple.)

Gee, thanks.

MRS. MEERS(As ALICE is about to take a bite.)

Alice! You remember that delivery boy you had your eye on? Well, any minuthat iceman cometh.

ALl CEIceman?!

(ALICE tosses the apple in the air and rushes offS.R. MRS. MEERScatches the apple and hands it to MISS DOROTHY)

MRS. MEERS(Drops the "Chinese" accent in her frustration.)

Eat it!

(As MISS DOROTHY is about to take a bite, MILLIE enters S.L.)

MILLIE.MissDorothy, I did it! I did it! Gloria! Ruth! Alice!

THOROUGHL y MODERN MILLIE - 37 -

nt,(MISS DOROTHY hands the apple to MRS. MEERS. RUTH and

GLORIA exit their rooms..ALICE reentersS.R.)

I a MISSDOROTHY

Did what, Millie?

RUTH ALICE GLO RIA

Spill,Dillmount. Out with it, Millie. Tell all, sister.

MILLIE

You're lookingat the future Mrs. Trevor Graydon!

)W,

MISSDOROTHY

Perfect!

RUTH ALICE GLORIA

Congrats, kid. Honey, that's swell. You're on yourway.

MILLIEAnd he advancedme my firstpaycheck,so we're all painting the town red to celebrate. Onme, to thank each and everyone of you.

RUTHThank us?

GLORIAFor what?

MILLIE(Returning articles of clothing one-by-one to GIRLS.)

The purse. The hat. . The dress-well, in a minute.

MRS. MEERSWhat about the rent?

(MILLIE producesa wad of cash.)

MILLIETwo weeks' worth.

MRS. MEERS

(Snatching the cashfrom MILLIE.)I take that.

ALl CE(Reachingfor the apple.)

And I'll take that.

MRS. MEERS

(Slamming the coverback over the apple.)Kitchen closed!

,.

ill

- 38- THOROUGIIL Y MODERN MILLIE

MRS. MEERS (CONT'D)(To BUN FOO and CHING HO, as SHE tosses the apple, plate and

all into the cart. No "Chinese" accent.)Beat it!

CHING HO SUPERTITLE(To MISS DOROTHY.)

o lafola,daaling! Au revoir,my darling.(BUN FOO and CHING HO exitS.L. with the laundrycart.)

ALICE(Regarding CHING HO's outburst.)

What's he going on about?

MISS DOROTHYI think he's dear.

RUTH(Meaning booze).

I think I'm thirsty, so c'mon girls. Don't wait up Meersie!(GIRLS exit into their rooms asMRS. MEERS turns U.S. in attempt to

get MISS DOROTHY's attention. In rapid succession,five C orsslam inMRS. MEERS' ace.)

I,(MRS. MEERS turns D.S. and addressesthe audience.)

MRS. MEERSTHEY DON'T KNOW MY FLAIRFOR THE DRAMATIC.NOT A CLUE, THE TALENT I POSSESS.PRETIY GIRLS, BUT NOT MUCH IN THE ATTIC.FACE-TO-FACEWITH GENIUS, AND THEY NEVER GUESS.THEY NEVER GUESS!THEY DON'T KNOW THEY'RE STARING AT AN ARTIST,HIGHLY TRAINED TO TAKE ON ANY ROLE.SKILLFULMIME, AND BRILLIANTLAUNDRYCART-1ST,SEEKING RETRIBUTION FOR THE LIFETHEY STOLE!I ALMOST ACTED CHEKHOV! IBSEN! SHAW! MOLIERE!I ALMOST STARREDAS PETER PAN; IMAGINE Mal MIDAIR!I ALMOST TACKLED SHAKESPEARE,A BLUSHINGJULIET,AND IF THE HOUSE WERE BIG ENOUGH, I STILLCOULD PLAYI

YET!THEY DON'T KNOW I'M HOTTER NEWS THAN DUSE,HELEN HAYESAND BERNHARDT ALLIN ONE.THEY'RE ON TOP, AND I LOOK LIKEA LOS-UH.WAIT AND SEE WHO'S STANDING WHEN MY PLAYIS DONE.SO WELCOME ALLYE BRIGHT, YOUNG LADIES,YOU'RE CHECKING INTO HOTEL HADES.I WON'T STAND BYWHILE CRITICS PRAISE'YA,YOU'RE GETTING SHIPPED TO SOUTHEAST ASIA.BUT THEY DON'T KNOW. THEY DON'T KNOW

- - - -- - - --

THOROUGI-IL Y MODERN MILLIE - 39-."''''-.~.

MRS. MEERS (CONT'D)("Chinese" accent.)

SAD TO BE ALLALONE IN THE WORLD!(No "Chinese" accent.)

BUT THEY DON'T KNOW!

#9a - 'Tb I DOll 't Kllow' Plavo

SCENE 6

A New York City street, where a brick wall sportsan enormouspaintedArrow Collarad of a man wearing a tie. MILLIE, MISS DOROTHY.GLORIA, RUTH and ALICE enter S.L.

ALl CEMillie,we've traipsedup and down Broadway-

RUTH

IIII I

I,

For almost two hours-

GLORIA

And the strongest hooch we\ e samp:ed is root beer.

MILLIE

I don't get it. They say the city's teemingwith juice joints.

I

! ~.

RUTH

I All those in favor of heading back to the hotel-

MILLIE AND MISS DOROTHYNo!

MISS DOROTHY

i. LikeEveand the apple, I havemy heart set on tasting the forbiddenfruit.Q;"

GLORIA, '"You a first-timer?

MISS DOROTHYw'lenjoy a festive sip of champagne, but spirits? Never!

lK4e,neither. Salina's dry as a bone.

MILLIE

~t1't no booze in Amish country.

ALl CE

~!~enever even played a drunk scene.

RUTH

- 40- THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE T

Gloria? MILLIE. i A

GLORIAWell... my grandmother's fruitcake has a helluva kick to it! I TI

MILLIE

That settles it. I don't care if it's an undercover copper, we stop and ask the next person we I ~see.

(JIMMY entersS.L.)Make that the next next person.

JIMMY(Startled to seeMILLIE, and clearlya little bit pleased.)

Kansas?!

MISS DOROTHYMillie, you know this man?

MILLIEIt's a short story.

JIMMY(Impressed that SHE stayed.)

With a surprise ending. What are you doing here? You were gonna make a V-turn.

MILLIEGood idea.

(Rallying her troops to leave.)

C'mon, girls!

ALICEWait a minute! He looks like he knowswhere a girl can get a drink around here.

JIMMYIt just so happensyou're staring at the hottest speak-oin town, but unlessyou cream puffshook the right clothespin, that Judas hole ain't nevergonna open.

MISS DOROTHY

Excuse me, but I'm from California. I don't speak New York yet.(JIMMY starts to respond, but MILLIE beatshim to it.)

MILLIEHe sayswe're inchesawayfrom quenching our thirst, but theywon't let us in.

JIMMY(Meaning ''Lookat you," and HE likes what HE sees.)

Listen to you. You've come a long way.

IF

1

I11

TIIOROUGIIL Y MODERN MILLIE - 41 -

MILLIEA lot can happen in sevendays. Just read the Bible

JIMMY~ The Biblewon't help you here. Youhave to be escorredby a member.~

~ Well....MILLIE

JIMMYWhaddaya,nuts? I got a girl waiting there for me.

(MISS DOROTHY, RUTH, ALICE and GLORIAswarmJIMMY.MILLIE hangsback.)

MISSDOROTHY

I beg you, kind sir.For me?

RUTH ALICE GLORIA

Tell her we're your kidsisters.

C'mon, introduce usto some boys!

Be a sparr andwalk us in.

MILLIEThink of it as next decade's good deed.

MISS DOROTHY, GLORIA, RUTH AND ALICEPlease?

JIMMYAll right. But the moment we're in, you're on your own.

(JIMMY knocks three times on the #eofthefJrrow Collar '!Ii.)

(The tie clip opens and shuts, a well-disguised judas Hole. The door, cutinto the tie in the ad, opens U.S. center. GLORIA exits through thedoor, then RUTH and ALICE, holding hands, then MISS DOROTHY.MILLIE and JIMMY are left alone on stage. Their eyes meet, a contestof wills but a definite connection. MILLIE exits, followed byJIMMY.)

(The brick wall flies out to reveal a crowded speakeasy. A real dive, butcrowded, sexy, smoky, and exactly the kind of place the PRISCILLAGIRLS were hoping tofind. PEARL LADY, the sexiest woman in theclub, turns out to beJIMMY's date, whisking him away from theGIRLS, who stand frozen and intimidated amidst the mayhem of aProhibition-era saloon.)

I

IJIMMY AND SPEAKASY DENIZENS

ZA DA DA DA DA DOO DA BADOODLEA DADA BWAH DA DA DA.ZA BA BA BWAH BWAH BWAH BWAH BWAH BWAH DOO DAT.

(MILLIE and PRISICILLA GIRLS try tofit in, tentatively mimickingthe sexydance steps THEY seearound them.)

---.-..---.---..

;-j

,.ft!i;"

'TI

rIlli

'I

- 42- THOROUGlll Y MODERN MilLIE

ALLNOBBY NEED A NOBBY NEED A NOBBY NEED A NA NA.NOBBLE-EE NEED A NOBBY NEED A NOBBLE-EE NEED A NA NSHOUGADI BAH, SHOUGADI BAH,SHOUGADI BAH, SHOUGADI BAH.

(MILLIE spots the flask in JIMMY's hand. SHE gestures for it, but HEhands the flask to MISS DOROTHY instead. MISS DOROTHY takesa swig and dances fUll out. SHE passes the flask to GLORIA, who takesIl swig and dances. SHE passes it to ALICE and RUTH, who share aswig and join GLORIA and MISS DOROTHY in dance. Finally, it'sMILLIE's turn: a quick nip and her knees buckle. SHE hands the flaskback to JIMMY as her attempts to balance herself turn into a giddydance, which amuses JIMMY. JIMMY taunts MILLIE with the flask,until PEARL LADY reclaims him in a sexy dance.)

(MILLIE tries to impress JIMMY by dancing with the most dangerouslooking man she can find. He turns out to be THE LETCH, and hishands are all over MILLIE. JIMMY notices her predicament, andmanages to swap partners so that PEARL LADYand THE LETCH endup dancing together, as do JIMMY and MILLIE. By now, JIMMY isclearly intrigued by MILLIE's verve and confidence.)

(The WOMEN dance in a clump as the MEN form a circle aroundthem. JIMMY hangs back, D.S.R., admiring MILLIE as SHE dances.The dance builds, and JIMMY and MILLIE dance together again. ALL

form a line D.S., passing a flask like the ceremonial cup, until it reachesMILLIE, who is last in line S.R. SHE takes a swig and passes it S.R.,just in time to hand it to an entering POLICEMAN)

SCENE 7

The speakeasy denizens turn into a line-up of PRISONERS holdingprisoner numbers across their chests. MILLIE and JIMMY are centerstage. As the sceneprogresses, PRISONERS have their mug shots takenone-by-one D.S.I., then exit. A flash of light and an accompanyingsound effect indicates each mug shot. As THEY speak, MILLIE andJIMMY work their way towards mug shot position D.S.I.

(Flash; mug shot #1.)

JIMMYDon't be scared.

MILLIEWho says I'm scared?

JIMMY(Referring to her dress.)

Your fringe. It's shaking. -

....... ~--

r

1

1

ttI

tJ

It

I.

l

------..----..--.

HJOROUGIILY MODERN MILLIE - 43-

f (Flash;mug shot #2.)

MILLIE

Do you blame it? Where I'm from, the only personyou find behind bars is the rown drunk.

JIMMYh's no different here. There's just more of us.

(Flash;mug shot #3.)

MILLIEHow long you think they'll keep us?

JIMMYOvernight. Unlessyou got a hairpin. I've a knack for breakingand entering.

MILLIEMisspent youth?

JIMMYEighteen years on Long Island. If that ain't misspent, I don't know what is.

(Flash;mug shot #4.)

MILLIEIt's closer than Kansas.

JIMMYHey, when you're stuck on the other side, the East River's wide as an ocean.

MILLIE

You think the East River's wide? Kansas might as well be the moon, and I fell from it.

JIMMYAnd landed on your feet.

MILLIEI landed in jail.

(Flash;mug shot #5.)I hope you're serious about that hairpin. I've got to be at work in a few hours.

JIMMYWhat do you do?

MILLIEStenog. For now. You?

JIMMYDepends.

(Flash;mug shot #6.)

,

'~.-.- - 44- THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE

JIMMY (CONT'D)When I want to see a show, I'm an usher for a night. When the Yankees play at home, it's"Popcorn! Peanuts! Cracker Jack!" And when the open seas are calling... well, the CircleLine's always in need of a knowledgeable guide.

MILLIEAnd you make a living?

JIMMYI make a life.

(Flash; mug shot #7. JIMMY steps into mug shot position D.S.I.)It sure beats sitting at a desk eight hours a day, fretting over the price of steel.

MILLIESteel?

UIMMY revealed more than he intended. HE quickly covers.)

JIMMYMyoid job. Steel... equipment for offices.

Oh (SHEalfi

MILLIE

. Paperclips, like. most eelssorryfor him.)

JIMMYYep. Paper clips, like.

(Flash;JIMMY's mug shot. MILLIE stepsinto mug shotpositionD.S.L.)

MILLIEI'd haveneverpeggedyou for a paper clip man. Bootleggin, maybe. Or ladies' lingerie.

JIMMY(His version of an apology.)

I -'-toughtyou pegged me for a jerk.

MILLIEI did.

(Flash; MILLIE's mug shot.)But I still think you deserve better than paper clips.

JIMMYSo do you.

MILLIEHow do you like that? We havesomething in common.

JIMMYCan I ask you a personal question,

- - - -

I

tt.I

1-.

II i

II ,

-.- -.-...

THOROUGIIL Y MODERN MILLIE - 45-

,. 7395

.. (Readinuh . JIMMY

(CON.

_ aught" -16? . erpmoner number.) T' D)

MILLIEWha t?

JIMMYYour name.

MILLIEMillie Dillmount.

JIMMYJimmy Smith.

POLICEMAN

(POLICEMAN grabs MILLIE andJIMMYand shoves them offS.L. Ina series of five jLtshes, the remaining PRISONERS have their mug shotstaken before exiting S.L. RUTH and ALICE get the final mug shot,posing with their arms around each other like schoolgirls in fl photo boothon the Boardwalk befnre exiting S.L.)

II Lli1

~

1/

I;

SCENE 8

Side-/;y-side 'ail cells, WOMEN in a cellS.L. and MEN in a cellS.R.'I.I

(JIMMY paces, then sits and watches MILLIE, who is asleep.)

JIMMYOH, THE PLACESI WOULD LIKETO SHOW YOU,ALTHOUGH I HARDLYKNOW YOU.I'VE A FUNNY FEELING WE MAKEA PERFECT PAIR.FAMOUS SIGHTS I WANT TO SEEYOU SEEING,THEN NIGHTS OF YOU-AND-ME-ING.ME. YOU. WE-

. (As ifwakingftom a nightmare. Spoken.)Wait a minute! Just a minute! No, no, no, no!

(Sings.)I'M AJOE WITH JUST ONE AIM:EV'RYNIGHT TO DATE A DIFF'RENT DAME.CALLEACH ONE OF 'EM THE SAMEPET NAME,"HEY, BABY."IN A ROW, I HAVE MY DUCKS.LOADS OF GALSTO GIVE ME LOADS OF YUKS.LEAVETHE COOING TO THE OTHER CLUCKS.I DON'T MEAN MAYBE.

1

1

- - ----

.- -- ... -.

\~'L~.w.","" __~~..-=- ~. ,,., ~~."~..= ~ ~=-----

1

I

.>.......

... ....

.

J

-46- THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE

. JIMMY (CONT'D)GOT ITGOOD. WHAT IDO NEED WITH LOVE?ALWAYS PRACTICE WHAT IPREACH:KEEP TEMPTATION OUT OF EASY REACH,STICK TO DOLLS WHO WASH THEIR HAIR IN BLEACH.I'M HAPPY.

COME AND GO THE WAY ICHOOSE.NEVER GONNA SING THE TIED-DOWN BLUES.OTHER GUYS WOULD KILLTO FILLMY SHOES.NO WING-CLIPPED SAPPY.GOT ITGOOD. WHAT DO INEED WITH LOVE?THAT WAS A NEAR MISS.TALK ABOUT A CLOSE SHAVE.FLIRTED WITH DISASTER.

(Spotting a tie-clip on a sleepinginmate.)THERE MUST BE SOMEONE UP THERE W ATCHIN' OVER ME.TALK ABOUT A FOUR-LEAF-CLOVER-ME.

(Removing the tie-clip without waking its owner.)PETER RABBIT'SMISSING FOOTSIEMEANSI ROLL WITHOUT A TOOTSIE.GOT ITGOOD. WHAT DO INEED WITH LOVE?I GOT IT GOOD. WHAT DO I NEED WITH LOVE~

(By now, JIMMY has picked the lock with the tie-clip. He flings openthe prison door and steps out of the cell.)

SKIPTHE VOWS AND ALLTHAT ROT.TELL THE MINISTER THAT "I DO" NOT.BRIGHT AND BREEZYIS THE-BIRDSAND BEES-YISTHE-

(Startsto exit u.s. center.)FREEAND EASYIS THE LIFE I GOT-

(Stops in his tracks.)WITHOUT HER.

OIMMY Crosses to MILLIE, who is asleep in her cell.)ALTHOUGH I HARDLYKNOW YOU....

(One last attempt to break free.)WHAT DO I NEED WITH LOVE?

(Starting to exit U.S. center then stops in his tracks.)I GOT IT GOOD. .

(Starting to exit U.S. center then stops in his tracks.)GOT IT GOOD.

(Giving in to the truth.)BUT NOW I GOT IT BAD!

ljIMMY reenters his cell, slamming the door and returning the tie clip toits slee1Jin~owner, then sittinJ[ to J[azeat MILLIE.)

I

II

:/11

if

L

~.........

(POLICEMAN entersS.L.)

POLICEMAN(Opening the WOMEN's cell, then the MEN's cell.)

C'mon, all of youse, up and at 'em.

I'

I

TIIOROUGIIL Y MODERN MILLIE - 47-

(The PRISONERS and POLICEMAN exit. MILLIE and JIMMY areleaving their respective cells.)

JIMMYHeyMillie,wait up. Wanna grab a cup of coffee?

MILLIEI can't. I barelyhave time to swing by the Priscilla,change, then run to the office.

JIMMYA quick cup of joe.

MILLIEI'm newon the job, so I doubt they'll overlookmy being late.

JIMMYTheywill if they knowwhat's good for them. They're lucky to haveyou, MillieDillmount.

MILLIE(Means a lot, comingfrom Mr. "You ain't got nothin: 'j

Thank you. And may I say, Jimmy Smith, the Circle Line's lucky to have you. You're notso hot with new arrivals, but underneath it all, I've a hunch you're a really great

(Stretching the vowel e.g. "guy." then over pronouncing the "d. ")guide.

(MILLIE starts to exit S.R.) /1

JIMMYSay, you a Yankees fan?

MILLIEYou need help with the Cracker Jack?

JIMMYActually, I have tickets to tonight's double header. In fact, why not play hooky, and we'llmake a day of it!

MILLIENo can do. You don't know my fiance.

JIMMYFiance?!

MILLIEBoss. And fiance. I'm going to marry him.

JIMMYWow. Love at first sight?

--------

---

- 48- TIIOROUGIIL Y IVIVu..".. ....__--....

I' , '''"...

MILLIENot for the modern. She takes charge of her destiny. No more waiting at port for my shipto come in. I went out and found him! .

OIMMY is utterly deflated.)

,II

JIMMY.,. So I guess the ball game's out.

MILLIE

I

I

Why?(Suddenly dawns on her.)

Oh! You weren't thinking we'd go as a... you know, on a-

JIMMYUs?! No. No!

(A big, forced laugh.)

Of course not. Matter of fact, I have a third ticket. I was about to suggest you bring yourfriend along. You know, "California"?

MILLIEMiss Dorothy? But why-

(A clock chimes eight.)

I gotta go.

JIMMYTill tonight, Kansas?

MILLIETill tonight, Long Island.

#11 c - Lfill 11-111

(MILLIE exits S.R. and JIMMY exits S.L.)

SCENE 9

The twelfth floor of the Hotel Priscilla. CHING HO and BUN FOaenter, wheeling a laundry cart. THEYopen it, and MRS. MEERSemerges, suited up in rubber gloves, surgical mask and scrubs. SHE holdsa rag and a bottle. SHE steps out of the cart and crossesto MISSDOROTHY's door, pressing her ear against it. MISS DOROTHY canbe heard inside, rehearsing a monologue.

I.MISS DOROTHY

(From inside her room.)uOh, woe is me! Oh, lackaday...

(Another line reading.)Oh,lackaday...

(Another line reading.)Oh,lackaday..."

TIIOROlJGlII.Y MODERN MIL.LlE - 49-

MRS. MEERS(No "Chinese" accent.)

Oh, lack 'a talent.(To CHING HO and BUN FOO.)

Catch her when she falls.

CHING HO

Aiya, ngoh mh seung tai yah!

SUPERTITLEI can't bear to watch!

MRS. MEERS

What, Ching Ho, lost your heart to Miss Dorothy? How sweet. Never mind that I'm theone who feeds you, I'm the one who clothes you, I'm the one you better be nice to if youwant to see your elderly, ailing mother anytime soon.

(When CHING HO doesn't understand.)No mama!

BUN FOO

Ngoh deih gong h6u j6 ga.

SUPERTITLEWe made a deal.

MRS. MEERS(Using gestures to communicate.)

One mama. In exchange.(Misinterpreting her gesture, CHING HO and BUN FOO "exchange"

plai.l1s. MRS. MEERS seethes.)For services rendered. So places, please.

(1.1~LLIE exits her room. MR5. MEERS drops to her knees, next to thelali .dry cart, and tries to crawloffS.L.)

MILLIE(Modeling her new outfit.)

Girls, girls, what do you think?(MISS DOROTHY, GLORIA, RUTH andALICE exit their rooms.)

MISSDOROTHY

Haute couture!

RUTH GLORIAALICE

Oh, it's darling!Fancy threads. Deluxe, sister.

MILLIE

(SpottingMRS. MEERS onherhandsand knees,with ragand bottle.)Mrs. Meers,what areyou doing?

MRS. MEERS("Chinese" accent.)

I... ah ah...I...(On the spot, desperately searchingfor an explanation.)

I ... ah... just have to do something with this nasty spot on carpet.(The GIRLS swarm MRS. MEERS as SHE furiously scrubs.)

Yon girls, always spilling.

- ---

THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIEr

- 50-GLORIA

But Meersie, I can't see a thing.ALICE

Neither can 1.MILLIE

Say, what kind of deaner is that?MRS. MEERS

(Hiding the bottle, once again on the spot.)

It' ssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.. .soy sauce.MILLIE

Soy sauce?MRS. MEERS

(A beelinefor the exit S.R.)

One of the mysteries of the Orient! Polishes door knob, remove birthmark.(Indicating RUTH's hair.)

a homemade henna for otherwise moUSYhair.MILLIE

Wait a minute, soysauce?!And it kayes no stain?MRS. MEERS

(Dropsthe accent in herfrustration.)

Not if you reaUyrub it in! Bun Foo! Ching Ho!(MRS. MEERSexits S.R. MISS DOROTHY wavesgood-byetoCHING HO, as HE and BUN FOO exit S.R. with the cart.)

RUTH

So Millie, why all dolled up?ALl CE

First date with Mr. Graydon?GLORIA

Finally!MILLIE

Hey, I'ye onlybeen there a week. And it's nor easywirh warchdogFlannerysniffmgaroun,but 1'm makingprogress.

ALICE

Where's he taking you?MILLIE

He's not. Jimmy Smith-

TIIOROUGIILY MODERN MILLIE - 51 -

jr,. RUTH

Again?

GLO RIAWhere to this time, Coney Island?

RUTH

\It.,'II

ALICEOne of the wateringholes he frequents from here to New Jersey?

I

I

Central Park?

MISS DOROTHYIt's true. Me. Smith has friendsin low places!

MILLIEAndhigh.

ALl CEII I ~

I

I

t.~

What are you talking about?

GLORIAWhere are you going?

MILLIENo placespecial. Just the glamorouspenthouse of MuzzyVan Hossmere!

.~

RUTH

The singer?!

MILLIEBackfrom a world tour, and somehow,Jimmy wrangled an invite to her "welcomehome"party.

. MISS DOROTHYSpeaking of which, come along Millie.

MILLIEDon't wait up, ladies. These show biz parties go to all hours.

GLORIA, ALICE AND RUTH(ImitatingMILLIE.)

Showbiz parties!

~',

MILLIE

But lest you worry, we'll have the finest of chaperones.

GLORIAWe know, we know.

- -- ----------

- -- - .. --.-

- 52-

GLORIA, ALICE AND RUTHMuzzy!

l' .

(MILLIE and MISS DOROTHY exit S.L. as GLORIA, ALICE andRUTH exit S.R.)

SCENE 10

rI

f~

:1' I

11II fit'l

J

I

't:'

.

jl.~,j

:11

The penthouse of MUZZY VAN HOSSMERE. At the rear of the stageare large windows, through which we see a terrace, and the glitteringskyline of Manhattan beyond. U.S. center is MUZZY, a glamorous andwise African-American woman, Pearl Bailey crossed with JosephineBaker, and a bigger star than either of them. SHE stands among herluggage, draped in fur, quietly and honestly expressing her feelings aboutNew York City. .

#12 - Qllfv ill New York

MUZZYTHE WONDERS OF THE WORLDARE SAIDTO STOP AT SEVEN,BUT TRUTH TO TELL,MY FIGURES DON'T AGREE.I NUMBER THEM AT EIGHT,WITH ONE SO CLOSE TO HEAVEN,THE OTHERS PALE,THEIR MAGIC STALE,JUST TAKEA LOOK AND SEE.STEP RIGHT UP TO TREASUREISLE,EV'RYINCH OF IT, A SKY-HIGH MILE.FAIRYTALELAND. ONLY IN NEW YORK.HEY CASTLE-BUILDER,WANT THE MOON, AND NOTHIN' LESS?WORK FOR YEARS,THEN OVERNIGHT SUCCESS!I KNOW FIRSTHAND. ONLY IN NEW YORK.EACH DAYIT'S FREEADMISSION TO THOSE WHO DREAM.YOU SET YOUR SIGHTS ALLTHE WAYUPSTREAM.OFF YOU GO, FOR YOU KNOW THAT CREAM WILL RISE.

(KENNETH, the butler, crossesfrom S.R., exiting S.L. with MUZZY'sluggage. MUZZY lets her fur drop to her shoulders, and her maid,MATHILDE, enters S.L. and removes it, exiting S.R MUZZY is D.S.center in a stunning cocktail dress.)

MAKETHAT WISH, AND SEEKTHAT THRILL.COME AND GET IT, 'CAUSEYOU ALWAYSWILL.STRIKEUP THE BAND! ONLY IN NEW YORK.

(As the song continues, MUZZY's performance shifts from personalreverie to diva doing her big number.)

EACH DAYIT'S FREEADMISSION TO THOSE WHO DREAM.YOU SET YOUR SIGHTS ALLTHE WAYUPSTREAM.

I

I

!

- '- - . -. _ h _ __

- 53 -

MUZZY (CONT'D)OFF YOU GO, FOR YOU KNOW THAT CREAM WILL RISE. RISE!

(A party forms around MUZZY. The GUESTS, enteringfrom U.S.I.and U.S.R., are the stars of the day: F. SCOTT and ZELDAFITZGERALD, GEORGEand IRA GERSHWIN, DOROTHYPARKER. MILLIE, JIMMY and MISS DOROTHY areamongtheGUESTS.)

NEW, IMPROVED AND REARRANGED.EVER CHANGING, YET IT'S NEVER CHANGED.LIFE ON COMMAND!HEAR WHAT I'M SAYING:OH, BUT IT'S GRAND!THAT'S WHY I'M STAYINGRIGHT HERE AS PLANNED,ONLY IN NEW YORK. ONLY IN NEW YORK. ONLY IN NEW YORK!

- --- - -

I

I

MUZZY

Mais oui, tour Ie monde. I left the South Pole to the penguins, the North to Mr. Claus, buteverywhere else, I came, I sang, I conquered.

(DOROTHY PARKER rejoinsthe dance as GUESTS #1,2 and 3approachMUZZY.)

-.---

TIIOROUGUL Y MODERN MILLIE

(The party's in full swing, MUZZY surrounded by her GUESTS.)Hello, darlings!

(GUESTS ad lib "Welcome back!", "We missed you!" etc.)How I missed my adorable friends!

(ALL dance U.S. of MUZZY. The dance should be smallandcontained, so as not to pull focus from MUZZY. Whenever MUZZYaddresses a GUEST, s/he stops dancing and crossesD.S. to MUZZY,

rejoining the dance when the exchange with MUZZY is over.)

MUZZY(To IRA and GEORGEGERSHWIN)

Hello, Ira! GeorgieGershwin,how's that symphonycoming?

GEORGE GERSHWINIt isn't. I'm stUck,frozen,blocked-

MUZZY

Don't worry! Inspiration comes when you least expect it.(IRA and GEORGE GERSHWIN rejoin the dance as MUZZY

approachesDOROTHY PARKER.)Why, Dorothy Parker, what a divine dress. You're just a...rhapsody in blue!

(Suddenly inspired, GEORGE GERSHWIN exits S.R. in a dash.)

DOROTHY PARKERMuzzy, Varietysaysyou broke box officerecords.

GUEST #1

Muzzy at the Palace.

TIIOROUGHL Y MODERN M\LLlE \1

\\;f

\\

\,\t

\

- S4- MUZZY

Buckingham.GUEST #2

Muzzy at the Great Wall. MUZZY

And they ain't kidding. It's fabulous!GUEST #3

Muzzy at the Vatican.(A beat.)

MUZZY

(GUESTS #1, 2 and 3 rejoin the danceasMUZZY approachesJIMMY. MILLIE and MISS DOROTHY.)

Jimmy! The rosesneed pruning.

Tough house.

MILLIE

Roses?JIMMY

My fathe, usedto he ,he ga,dene, a' he, Long Island manse.MUZZY

I stillsay] immy's the only onewho can trim a hedge likehis daddy used to.JIMMY

Millie Dillmount, MissDo,othy BtOwn,mayI pteSCntMuzzyVan Hossmete.MISS DOROTHY

Charmed.MILLIE

What an honor, Mrs. Van-MUZZY

Muzzy, Millie. Muzzy. MILLIE

Muzzy.(RODNEY approaches.)

RODNEY

Muzzy! MUZZY

Rodney!

TIIOROUGIIL Y MODERN MILLIE

MISS DOROTHY(To MILLIE, trying to be inconspicuous.}

. Millie, I've an audition for David Belasco, bright and early, so I'm calling it a night.

RODNEYDorothy?

MISS DOROTHY(A forced smile.)

Rodney!

MILLIEYou tWo know each other?!

MISS DOROTHYFrom the orphanage!

JIMMYMissDorothy, w~ren't you about to leave? I'll showyou out.

MISS DOROTHYCome, Rodney, and tell me, were you everadopted?

(JIMMY, MISS DOROTHY and RODNEY exitS.R.)

MUZZYMillie,how abour a spot of gin? A bit of bubbly? Anyrhing? Our home isyour home.

MILLIEWill Mr. Van Hossmere be joining Ii':?

MUZZYThat depends. You planning a seance? He passedawayyearsago.

MILLIE(Mortified.)

I'm sorry, I didn't know. You said our home-(JIMMY reentersU.S.R., crossingS.L. and watching MILLIE from adistance before rejoining the dance.)

- 55-

MUZZY

That's what Mr. Van H. called it. Mind you, I came to all this as the second Mrs. VanHossmere-practically a child-and Millie, you could have knocked me over the first rime Isaw this place! I felt like a crow's feather in Queen Mary's bonnet, but that husband ofmine, he just swatted me on the bottom, and he said, "Baby Van Hossmere, this is ourhome. Not my home, not your home, but our home. And don't you ever forget it." And Inever have! Unfortunately, I enjoyed his companionship for a brief, but very, very ecstaticperiod.

-

'~''''''' '''--''

II

,

- 56- TIIOROUGHL Y MODI:KN IVIILLII:

MILLIESad.

MUZZYYes,and Mr. Van H. hated sad stories. He wanted all our homes to be filledwith nothingbut good fun and good friends. So heck, let's get kissyright ofF.

(Air kisses on both cheeks.)

Millie Dillmount, I want to know all about you. You were born and then what happened?

MILLIEWell, I was born and then I moved here.

MUZZYWe haveso much in common! Meet Baltimore'sown Mabel Ida Walker.

MILLIEBaltimore?!

MUZZY

Not even. Cockeysville, Maryland, and proud of it. Tweedums, anyone can be born here,but to travel here on nothing but nerve and imagination-

MILLIELike a Mabel Ida Walker?

MUZZYLike a Millie Dillmount!

. #12b - Muzzy's Party Part 2

MUZZYLet's dance!

(MILLIE and MUZZY start dancing. MUZZY demonstratesthe latestdance crazes, which MILLIE quickly picks up. Soon, all the GUESTS,not to mention KENNETH and MA THILDE, arefollowing A1UZZYand MILLIE. MILLIE is the belle of the ball-until herflung hand hitsKENNETH's tray, knocking champagne all over DOROTHYPARKER's dress. DOROTHY PARKER screams.)

DOROTHY PARKER(To MILLIE, as the party comesto a halt. ALL stare at MILLIE.)

You! You spilled champagne all over my Paul Poiret!

I-MILLIE

I'm so sorry.

DOROTHY PARKERWill you look at that nasty spot?

I

I

1--<.

<.

JI

II

!

TIIOROUGIIL y MODERN MILLIE - 57-

MILLIE

Spor...?(Remembering MR5. MEERS' householdhint.)

Don't worry, Mrs. Parker, I know something that cleans so you can't see a thing!mysteries of the Orienr. Muzzy, which way to the kitchen?

One of the

MUZZYSnookums, I have no idea.

I

IKENNETH

I

This way, Miss Dillmount.(KENNETH and MATHILDE lead MILLIE and DOROTHY

PARKER off D.S.L. Many GUESTS exit, leaving a small group ofGUESTS dancing U.S. THEY are in no way privy to the followingexchange.)

a1

JIMMYYouthink Millie'sokayone-on-one with Mrs. Parker?

MUZZY I I

I "'I

I

I

a

,~

'II'm not speaking to you.

JIMMYWhat did I do?

MUZZYOnce a weekyou wrote me dishing the parties, the shows,eventhe weather. But not a peepabour the biggestnewsof all.

JIMMYI don't know what you're talking about.

(The musicstops, and GUESTS freeze U.S.)

MUZZY

Little Millie. Oh Jimmy, you can't fool me: you're in love with her. What are you going todo about it?

DOROTHY PARKER(From O.S.)

Soy Sauce?! Aaaaaaaah!(MILLIE enters D.S.L. in a panic. She crosses U.S. and exits onto the

terrace. MUZZY gives JIMMY a shove in MILLIE's direction, thenexits D.S.R. JIMMY follows MILLIE onto the terrace as DOROTHYPARKER crossesS.L. to S.R., bewailing the prominent soy sauce stain onher dress.)

-------- --- - - ..

~ -".;.......

I

JrI'

[1.

THOROUGIIL Y MODERN MILLIE

-58 -

SCENE11

The terraceof MUZZY's apartment, whereJIMMY and MILLIE are inmid-conversation. JIMMY is trying to consoleMILLIE.

JIMMY

Aw,c'mon, Millie,you can't go back to Kansas. You'te an ex-con, remember?MILLIE

I can't stayhere! Not after pouring soysauceallover Dorothy Parker's dress.JIMMY

Explain to me again why-MILLIE

(For the umpteenth time.)

I thought it would clean it! That creepy Mrs. Meers swears by the stUff.

JIMMY

(The voiceof gloom and doom.)

You'll be the talk of the tOwn tOmorroW.MILLIE

Don't say that!

\\

JIMMY

(A quick recovery.)

In a good way. Tbink of all the people wbo'd kill to smotber Dorothy Parker in soy sauce.But they can't, for fear of her poison pen.

MILLIE

That's what I'm afraid of.

JIMMY

Relax. She's so plastered,she'll neverrememberyour name.MILLIE

You think?OIMMY nodsyes.)

Really? What a relief!(MILLIE throws her arms around JIMMY.)

A scandal could cost me my job.OIMMY is about to reciprocateMILLIE's embrace.)

Mr. Graydon-JIMMY

(RecoilingfromMILLIE, his moodsouringona dime.)Is a stiff. Isn't he?

TJlOROUGJlL y MODERN MILLIE - 59-

MILLIE(Trying to convinceherselfas much as him.)

Some would say so, but I see a side of him that few people are lucky enough to see.

(Defensive.)

While you're sitting on his lap?

No.

(The third degree.)Has he kissed you yet?

MILLIE(Disappointed.)

No.

JIMMYDoes he have a pet name for you?

MILLIEYes!

JIMMYWhat?

MILLIEJohn!

JIMMYJohn? That's not very romantic.

MILLIEBut it's modern. He caUsme John because I'm so efficient: "Johnny-on-the-spot.". (WhenJIMMY seemsdubious.)

. I'Ulet you in on a little secret: this morning, he came this close to popping the question.

JIMMY(Concerned.)

He did?

MILLIE"John," he said, "Don't everleaveSincereTrust InsuranceCompany!"

JIMMYSweet. Maybeyou couldwork it into the vows.

---

JIMMY

MILLIE I

I

JIMMY

!j-f.;;, ".

~

MILLIE

(An observation, not an attack.)

Another crack. EveryrimeI menrion Mr. Graydon-JIMMY

(V cry sarcastic.)

Can I ask a favor-a reallybig one, 'cause I know how hard ir'1lbe for you--can you oortalk about your plan for once? MILLIE

Why not? JIMMY

'Cause I'm sick of hearing abour ir. You wanr ro marry a man who thinks of you as a

typewriteron legs, be my guest. MILLIE

Th "ok yOU,I will. The new woman chooses reason over romance any day of rhe week.(Proudly.)

And 1'm a neWwoman!

.

\JIMMY

Sowhy seryour sighrson rheworld's oldesrprofession?

1

tMILLIE

(A shockedgasp,thena counter-offensive.)

In were yOU,I'd keep my uap shut about other people's professions, Mister "I used to be in

pappr dips.". JIMMY

W,1l maybe we shouldn't speak at all. Maybe our nightly excursions are taking up tOOmuchroom on my dance card. MILLIE

(RubbingGRAYDONin]IMMY'sface.)

What do I care? Anyday noW,my time will be consumedby my boss-slash-fiand,Mr.Trevor Graydon, the Third! JIMMY

I'm warningyou, Millie, I've had it up to herewirh you and Graydon.MILLIE

Then I don't know what to tell you, 'cause I'm going to be his wife. What will yoUbe,butterflyboy? Flower to flower to flowed JIMMY

You got a problem with that?

TIIOROUGHL y MODERN MILLIE- 61 -

MILLIEI'm merely suggesting that you grow up, skirr chaser!

JIMMYGolddigger!

MILLIEWomanizer!

JIMMYJezebel!

MILLIECasanova!

(They are nose-to-nose. JIMMY grabs MILLIE and kissesherpassionately. SHE struggles at first, then responds, until it is impossible todiscern who is kissing whom. JIMMY breaks away from MILLIE andexits in a panic S.R., leavin${MILLIE in utter c.onfusior.z.)

MILLIEAM I DRUNK? OR MAYBEI'M DREAMING?I OUGHT A BE SCREAMING! HE SUDDENLY-

(Stick to your plan, Millie!)EVERYTHING TODAY IS THOROUGHLY-

(ConfUsion.)

JUST LIKETHAT, WITHOUT ANYWARNING,AT TWO IN THE MORNING, HE SUDDENLY-

(Stick to your plan, Millie!)EVERYTHING TODAY IS THOROUGHLY-

(ConfUsion.)WERE THERE SIGNS,AND I DIDN'T SEETHEM?THE RANDOM REMARK,OCCASIONAL SIGH,THAT DAYIN THE PARK,THE GLEAMIN HIS EYE!

(MILLIE's final attempts to stick to her plan.)EVERYTHING TODAY IS THOROUGHLY-EVERYTHING TODAY IS THOROUGHLY-JIMMY.

(Spoken.)Oh, Jimmy.

(Discovering her feelings as SHE sings.)SILLYBOY,GEE, WHAT A REALSWELLGUY.JIMMY, OH JIMMY, OH, WHAT JOY.HE MAKESMYTROUBLES FLY.HIS GLANCE HAD FIREWORKS IN IT.WE KISSED,MY HEART DID A WHIZ-BANG, FLIP-FLOP,HEAVEN FOR A MINUTE. .

JIMMY, OH JIMMY, DON'T YOU KNOW

THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE- 62-

ii-:"-.._.....--

tt

MILLIE (CONT'D)

WHAT I CAN'T QUITE CONFESS?SO COAX ME. IMPLORE ME.I PROMISE YOU WC1\I'T BORE ME.

JIMMY, I MIGHT SAYYES.(As MILLIE sustains the word "yes,"her tendernessturns tojoy. Sheexits the terrace and crossesD.S. center.)

HE MAKESMYTROUBLES FLY!HIS GLANCEHAD FIREWORKS IN IT.WE KISSED,MYHEART DID A WHIZ-BANG, FLIP-FLOP,HEAVEN FORA MINUTE.SO JIMMY, OH JIMMY, DON'T YOU KNOWWHAT I CAN'T QUITE CONFESS?

(As MILLIE sings, the set becomes:

SCENE 12

The twelfth floor of the Hotel Priscilla.)

MILLIE

SO COAX ME. IMPLORE ME.I PROMISE YOU WON'T BORE ME.OH, JIMMY, I MIGHT SAY-

JIMMY

(From O.S.)

Now remember-

MISS DOROTHY

(From O.S.)

Shhh!(MILLIE dashes into her room, just into time to avoid JIMMY. who

exits MISS DOROTHY's room. MISS DOROTHY can be seen in the

doorway, in a robe. MILLIE keeps her door open a crack so SHE canwatch the following whispered exchange.)

JIMMY

It's our little secret.

MISS DOROTHY

But she's my best friend!

JIMMY

No, Dorothy.

MISS DOROTHY

(Teasing, not flirting.)

MissDorothy.

TIIOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE - 63 -

JIMMYNot to me.

OIMMY gives MISS DOROTHY a quick kiss and exits S.L. MISSDOROTHYexits into her room. MILLIE steps out of her room and intothe hallway, clearly in shock as the curtain falls.)

END OF ACT 1II

SCENE 1

- 64- THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE

#14 - Entr'acte

ACT 2

I

n 'I

I

I Im I Ii

{II

f~-----,

# 14a - Back at \Vork

The Sincere Trust Insurance Company. STENOGS frantically answer .

the phones, in contrast to MILLIE, who works as if under water.

STENOGSSincere Trust... Sincere Trust... Sincere Trust... Sincere Trust....

(STENOGS ad lib businesstelephone callsuntil interrupted by MISSFLANNERY, who entersS.L with a stack ofpapers.)

. II IMISS FLANNERY

Dillmount! I demand an explanation!

illMILLIE

(As if wakingfrom a dream.)Excuse me?

I

I

MISS FLANNERY(Readingfrom first letter.)

"Your prompt attention to this matter is insincerely appreciated...,". (Readingfrom secondletter.)"Please accept our insincerest apology...,"

(Readingfrom third letter.)"y.. I ~"

ours msmcerery.....

MILLIEI'm sorry, Miss Flannery.

MISS FLANNERYIf you're not, you will be: I'm docking you one dollar.

MILLIEA dollar?!

(MISS FLANNERY starts to exit S.L. MILLIE's phone rings,and SHEanswersit.)

Insincere Trust.

MISS FLANNERYMake it two.

MILLIEJimmy, leave me alone.

TIIOROUGHL Y MODERN MILLIE - 65-

(MILLIE hangs up. MISS FLANNERY crossesto her, seeminglyconcerru:u.j .

MISS FLANNERYPersonal matter?

(Turns on a dime when MILLIE nods "yes.")

Not on company time!

MILLIEI

INot another dollar!

(MISS FLANNERY starts to exit S.L., and MILLIE's phone rings.SHE answersit, and MISS FLANNERY stops.)

SinceTe Trust.

(MISS FLANNERY starts to exit S.L.)Jimmy, we have nothing more to say to each other.

(/!1lSS FLANNERY stops. MILLIE slamsdown the phone.)

MISS FLANNERY

MISS FLANNERY

Good. Forget m-.:boys, Dillmount. Get yourself a canary!(Jt1ISSFLANNERY exits S.L. Thephone rings. MILLIE picks up the

receiverand immediately slams it down aJ{ain.)

Dillmount-!

MILLIEI didn't askhim to call! I don't want him to call! I neverwant to seeJimmy Smith again!

MILLIENO CANARYIN A CAGE FOR ME.THIS CANARY'SREADYTO FLYFREE!

CUT THE CORD.IS THAT A MAN I ONCE ADORED?

. HE'SNOTHING BUTANALBATROSS,NO GREAT tOSS, DOUBLECROSSER.FORGET ABOUT THE BOY.PULL THE PLUG.AIN'T HE THE ONE WHO PULLED THE RUG?HE'S LOWER THAN AN ALLEYCAT,DIRTY RAT,AND I FLATTER.FORGET ABOUT THE BOY.FORGET ABOUT THE BOY.

FORGET ABOUT THE BOY.AND IN THE MOONLIGHT,DON'CHA THINK ABOUT HIM.SISTER,YOU'RE MUCH BEITER OFF WITHOUT HIM.YOU CAN BLOW THE BLUESA KISSGOOD-BYE,

TEDDY MU~'-='1U' --MORGAN.

STENOG 1

HORACE.

III ,"

\

.:jh

:J;

TIIOROU<iIII.Y MODERN MII.LlE-- --,PERCY.

EDGAR.

DANNY.

TIMOTHY.

MILTON.

ALFRED.

(MISS FLANNERYenters D.S.I., interrupting the cacophony.)

MISS FLANNERYBARNEYSCHREIBER, c.P.A.!

MILLIEJIMMY, OH JIMMY,SILLY BOY,

GEE, WHAT A REALSWELLGUY.FORGET ABOUT THE BOY.JIMMY, OH JIMMY,OH, WHAT JOY!HE MAKESMY TROUBLESFLY!

MISS FLANNERY AND STENOGSCUT THE CORD.IS THAT A MAN I ONCE ADORED?HE'S NOTHING BUT AN

ALBATROSS,NO GREAT LOSS, DOUBLECROSSER!FORGET ABOUT THE BOY.PULL THE PLUG.AIN'T HE THE ONE WHO PULLEDTHERUG?HE'S LOWER THAN AN ALLEYCAT,DIRTY RAT, AND I FLATTER.

ALLFORGET ABOUT THE BOY.FORGET ABOUT THE BOY.FORGET ABOUT THE BOY!

(In a collective,murderous rage,ALL defiantly tap dance, building to atap breakfor MISS FLANNERY)

ALLSHOUT HOORAYAND HALLELUH!NOW ME AND MISTER WRONG ARE THROUGH.I'LL FIND MYSELFANOTHER BEAUWHO I KNOW IS NO ROVER.FORGET ABOUT THE BOY.FORGET ABOUT THE BOY.

-----

III

\

- 67- ,-

STENOG 4

STENOG 5

STENOG 2I

I

STENOG 61

.IIi'"

STENOG 3 I:;';1

;

STENOG 7

- 68- THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE.......-..-

J

MILLIEFORGET ABOUT THE

BOY!AND IN THE

MOONLIGHT,DON'T YOU THINK

ABOUT HIM.

MISS FLANNERY AND STENOGSI

FORGET ABOUT THE BOY!

AAH-AAH. j

JAAH-AAH.SISTER,YOU'RE MUCH BETTER OFF

WITHOUT HIM.I

I

I

YOU CAN BLOW THEBLUESA KISSGOOD-BYE,AND PUT THESUN BACKIN THE SKY,

BLUES A KISS GOOD-BYE,

SUN BACK IN THE SKY,

II I

MISS FLANNERY AND STENOGSFOR WHEN HE COMES CRAWLIN',

MILLIEI'M NOT FALLIN'!

ALLHALLELUJAH!FORGET ABOUT THE BOY.FORGET ABOUT THE BOY.FORGET ABOUT THE BOY!

(MR. GRAYDON enters. MISS FLANNERY ducks behindSTENOGS.)

I

I

MR. GRAYDON

Ladies! The phone rang eleven times before I finally answered it mysel£ Not pleased, not atall pleased. Where's Flannery?

(MISS FLANNERY revealsherself MR. GRAYDON addressesMISSFLANNERYand MISS FLANNERY addressesthe STENOGS.)

MR. GRAYDON AND MISS FLANNERYBack to work!

(STENOGS wheel their desks off MISS FLANNERY sheepishlyapproaches MR. GRA YDON but he brushes her aside. SHE exits S.L.MILLIE is about to exit D.S.R. when MR. GRAYDON grabs the backof her desk.)

MR. GRAYDONNot so fast, John.

(Wheeling her desk D.S. center.)I want a word with you. Alone.

"'

\

\

OFF\

\

\

~,

- 69-

TIIOROUGIIL y MODERN MILLIEMILLIE

(There's at least one a day.)

Another crisis, Mr. Graydon?MR. GRAYDON

A.big one! John. that lastbatch of carbon paper was nor up ro snuff. Wrire a memo ro rheheadof supply. Read his beads.

\\

MILLIE

(Making a note on her steno pad.)

Read beads.MR. GRAYDON

Pin his ears back.MILLIE

Pin ears. ,

\\\

MR. GRAYDON

Really go after him!MILLIE

Reallygo...(To herself,regardingMR. GRAYDON.)

(MR. GRAYDON starn to exit U.S.L. when MILLIE wheeb her deskU.S.I?,. and tUrns aggressively seductive.)

III~

after him!

Oh Mr. G.?MR. GRAYDON

(Stops.)Who?

MILLIE

(Walking her desk S.L. as ifstalking MR. GRAYDON.)

.Do you have a 'mo?

You.

MR. GRAYDON

A what?MILLIE

A moment. I would love to get a man's opinion of RudolphValentino.MR. GRAYDON

Okay.

L

... -

\\

\

THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE

-70 - <:MILLIE

I mean, in The Sheik, he takes Agnes Ayres by brute force, and she enjoys it. She enjoys it alot.

(Trying ro strike a seductivepose,MILLIE slipsoff her chair and onto theflnor. SHE triesto coverwith a wanton laugh, but her attemPt to getback on her chair is anything but gracefuL Once SHE does,SHEresumesthe seduction. Though HE ispuzzled by MILLIEs behavior.MR. GRAYDON is unaware that SHEs coming on to him.)

So, Mr. Graydon,what is your opinion of brute force?MR. GRAYDON

I'm not for it. Not for it at all. That is not what women really want today. Give them a

young man they can trust. Tom Sawyerat tWenty.MILLIE

1 never read Tom Sawyer. Was he sexy?MR. GRAYDON

He was tWelve.MILLIE

Well, if you got it, you got it.(A phone rings; MR. GRAYDON is saved by the bell.)

MR. GRAYDON

1 got id (MR. GRA YDON exitS U.S.L. MILLIE wheeh her desk centerasJIMMY enters u.S.R.)

\\

JIMMY

Millie, we have to talk about last night.MILLIE

In case you didn't get the message by my slamming the phone in your ear, \ct'S forget last

night ever happened.JIMMY

You can't be serious!(MISS FLANNERY entersS.L.)

\ I

!,\

MISS FLANNERY

Leave her alone!JIMMY

(Not accustomed to being yelled at.)

What-?!(Stopping himselfin an attempt w win overMISS FLANNERY.)

lovely...(Looking MISS FLANNERY up and down.)

TIIOROUGlIl Y MODERN MilLIE

JIMMY (CONT'D)

elbows you've got, Miss Flannery.

MISS FLANNERY

(A beat, then melts.)

From my mother's side of the family. The Boggs girls were nored for rheir elbows.

JIMMY

I can see why.(MISS FLANNERY flashes her elbows at JIMMY. HE fans himself)

MISS FLANNERY

(Flirtatious.)

My Barney was always partial to them. But then, you and he are so much alike....(SHE turns on a dime, grabbing him by the throat.)

Get out! She never wants to see you again!

JIMMY

(As MISS FLANNERY dragshim towards the exit U.S.R.)That can't be true!

MISS FLANNERY

You better believe it, Mister Man!(SHE liftsJIMMY by the collarand hurls him offS.R.)

JIMMY(From O.S.) .

Millie!

MILLIE

Thank you, Miss Flannery.(MISS FLANNERY crossesto MILLIE. THEY're sistersnow.)

MISS FLANNERY

Peg. .

MILLIE

Peg.(MISS FLANNERYand MILLIE raisefists in the air: Girl Power!

MISS FLANNERY swaggersoffU.S.R. MISS DOROTHY entersD.S.R.)

MISS DOROTHY

Millie, I hate to bother you at the office-

MILLIE

(With acid.)More researchon how the other half lives? I got a taste of it myselflast night.

- 7\ -

II

I

I

I

\

-72 - THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE'-~."V_.... ---

MISS DOROTHYAt Muzzy's party, you mean. Wasn't1t heaven? Who knew how soon I'd be plungedintothe depths of Hades!

MILLIEFunny thing about remorse.

MILLIEI most certainlyam! Oh Miss Dorothy, promiseme that no man will evercome betweenus!

MISS DOROTHY

As if anyone could take the place of my best friend!(THEY squeal, then hug. MISS DOROTHY is somewhat conftsed.)

But what has this got to do with my audition for David Belasco?

MILLIEOh! That was this morning. How did it go?

MISS DOROTHY(Haven't you been listening, Millie?)

Fine. Until he.. .he... pounced.

MISS DOROTHY

Oh, Millie, I feel so dirty! He had this peculiar grin on his face as he went to shake my

I

hand... only it wasn't my hand he wanted to shake. He... he....

IMILLIE

I

He pounced!

MISS DOROTHYI couldn't breathe!

II

I

MILLIE

,He takes your breath away!

MISS DOROTHY,\ I felt-;

IMILLIE !,

In the pi t of your stomach?!iIi

MISS DOROTHYi,

My knees buckled! I

I

i

I

I

MILLIE

No wonder you couldn't stop him! And as far as you knew, I was going to marry my boss.

IMISS DOROTHY

IYou mean you're not?

-t- ,

TIIOROUGIIL Y .MODERN MILLIE - 73---MILLIE

Him too?! Boy,you've reallybeen rhrough ir!

MISS DOROTHYDo I look like rhe sorr of girlwho would allowa man to rakeliberries?

MILLIE

You look helpless, which is even berrer, as far as men are concerned. They rhink rhey can geraway wirh ir. Well, rake a page from my book, Miss Dororhy: callous up! Higher heels,shorrer skirrs... and you're nor going like rhis-cur your hair!

I

I

MISS DOROTHYCur my hair?!

MILLIENo more lirrle-girl-losrin rhe lion's den. Whar I'm offeringyou is rhe fashionequivalenrtoa whip and a chair!

MILLIE

I

I

I

\

MISS DOROTHY(A savage growl.)

Tame rhe beast!

No time like the present, Miss Dorothy!(MILLIE and MISS DOROTHY start to exit US.R.)

. MR. GRAYDON(From O.S.)

John, be a good old scour and ring up my handball courr. Reserve a courr for six-fifteen, willyou?

ss.MILLIE

(Calling O.S.)Yes, sir.

(MILLIE gestures "That's him!" to MISS DOROTHY, then sits at herdesk and picks up the phone. MR. GRAYDON enters US.L.)

:n us!MR. GRAYDON

Got to work up a good sweat. Edgy in the gut, tight in me-

#16 - AM Sweet Mister 0 Li e/J'm Falli1l hI Love witb Someo1le

(MR. GRAYDON's and MISS DOROTHY's eyes meet, and they areboth dumbstruck. Their reaction to each other is expressed only infantasy, meaning MILLIE can't hear a word of it.)

MR. GRAYDONAH! SWEET MYSTERYOF LIFE,AT LASTI'VE FOUND THEE!

THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE

-74 -MILLIE

(Spoken into the phone.)

A handbaU court for six.-fifteen.MR. GRAYDON

(Sings.)AH! I KNOW AT LASTTHE SECRET OF IT ALL!

MILLIE

(Spoken into the phone.)

\\

\

HandbalL

'"

(Sings.)

ALLTHE LONGING, SEEKING, STRIVING, WAlTING, yEARNING.THE BURNING HOPES, THE JOY AND IDLE TEARSTHAT FALL.

MILLIE

MISS DOROTHY

"

\\

, \~.

:1~

,

(Spokeninto the phone.)

Can't you do better than that? I'U hold.(MILLIE freezes for the duration of the song.)

MR. GRAYDON

(Sings.)I'VE AVERYSTRANGE FEEUNG I NE'ER FELT BEFORE.'TIS A KlND OF A GRIND OF DEPRESSION.

MISS DOROTHY

MYHEART'S ACTING STRANGELY,IT FEELS RATHER SORE.AT LEASTIT GIVES ME THAT IMPRESSION.

MR. GRAYDON

MYPULSESLEAPMADLYWITHOUT ANYCAUSE.BEUEVE ME, I'M TELUNG YOU TRULY.

MISS DOROTHY

I'M GAYWITHOUT PAUSE,THEN SADWITHOUT CAUSE.MR. GRAYDON

MY SPIRITSARETRULYUNRULY.FOR I'M FALUNG IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE, SOME ONE GIRL.'I'M FALUNG IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE, HEAD AWHIRL!

\\

\\

BOTH

YES! I'M FALUNG IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE, pLAINTO SEE.MR. GRAYDON

I'M SUREI COULD LOVE SOMEONE MADLY,IF SOMEONE WOULD ONLY LOVE ME.

TJlOROUGIIL Y MODERN MILLIE- - 75-

(MISS DOROTHYand MR. GRA YDON dancepassionatelyaroundthe office. Because this is a fanta~y sequence, the choreography can be

heightened.)

BOTHYES! I'M FALLINGIN LOVE WITH SOMEONE, PLAINTO SEE.I'M SURE I COULD LOVE SOMEONE MADLY,IF SOMEONE WOULD ONLY LOVE ME.

(MR. GRAYDON and MISS DOROTHY endthe numberbackwherethey started. MILLIE unfreezes.)

I

I

MILLIE(Into the phone.)

Thank you.(Hangs up the phone. Then to MR. GRAYDON and MISS

DOROTHY, oblivious to their attraction to one another.)Did you rwo meet?

(MISS DOROTHY and MR. GRAYDON shake their heads "no.'JMr. Graydon, this is my friend, Miss Dorothy Brown, from the Priscilla Hotel. We'respending my lunch hour at the Mad Cap Beauty Spot. Miss Dorothy's going to have herhair smartly bobbed.

Bobbed?! W' h (As if HE's been stabb d)MR. GRAYDON

it your beauty? e, . ..MISS DOROTHY

Mr. Graydon, behave.

MR. GRAYDONI'll bet you could make the moon and the stars behave.

MILLIE

Miss Dorothy's an actress, and I thought with the way the theater is today, so rotten-

MR. GRAYDON(To MISS DOROTHY) .

You wouldn't rob some lucky stiff of playing with those adorable curls, would you?

IMILLIE

I only thought if she cut her hair-

MR. GRAYDON(Shut up, Millie.)

Chuck it, John, just chuck it.

MILLIE(To MISS DOROTHY)

Mr. Graydon calls me John, you see, because-

THOf

THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE

- 76-MR. GRAYDON

Miss Dorothy, I'm goingro rakeyou ro dinner and rry ro ralkyou out of doing mankindsuch a disservice. May I take the liberty of askingyou to dine?

Dane

MISS DOROTHYSay,

You may.MR. GRAYDON

And afrerWards a bir of vaudeville ar rhe Hippodrome. Thar is, if rhe eomics are not on.Their humor can get altogether toO ribald for a lady's ear.

MISS DOROTHY

Perfect. Millie, I think I'll keep my curls, ar leasruntil tonight. Instead, I'm going to find asuitable frock for this evening.

Yes.for

\\

MR. GRAYDON1;0

Th

!\\ \

'Twill be gilding the lily.MISS DOROTHY TI

Hush, Mr. Graydon.MR. GRAYDON

TTrevor!

MISS DOROTHY

(Echoes of that savage growl.)1

Trevor!(To MR. GRAYDON, as SHE crossesS.L.)

\\

Till tonight.MR. GRAYDON

Seven-fifteen?MISS DOROTHY

Sharp!(MISS DOROTHY exits S.L. MILLIE sits at her desk.)

MR. GRAYDON

That Miss Dorothy! Great Scorr,that Miss Dorothy! Pretty as a peach and skin ro heat theband. Perfect little pippin.

MILLIE

(Fighting tears.)

Perfect.MR. GRAYDON

What a dandy little bundle for a fellowto cuddle.

TIIOROUGIIL Y MODERN MILLIE- - - 77-

MILLIEDandy.

MR. GRAYDON(Man-to-man.)

Say,imagine all that sweet softness in your arms....

MR. GRAYDON(Regaining his professional composure.)

Yes,well, make dinner reservations at the Plaza. The Candlenook Room. Quiet corner tablefor two. I think Miss Dorothy's for the Plaza, don't you?

(When MILLIE dejectedly nods "yes.'jAnd John? Flowers.

~-..,,'

MILLIEThere's a florist around the corner from the hotel. I'll order from them.

MILLIE

(A knife in her heart as SHE scribbleson herpad.)

I

I

I

\

MR. GRAYDONThat's using the old bean! Roses. Pink. Two dozen.

Two dozen.

MR. GRAYDONLong-stemmed.

MILLIE(HE's turning the knife in her heart.)

Long-stemmed.

MR. GRAYDON

Plump.(MR. GRA YDON exits US.L.)

MILLIE(With a tearfUL edge; how much can a girl take?)

On the fat side!

. (The exteriorof the buildingmeetscenterstageto reveal:

SCENE 2

The window ledge outside of MILLIE's office. JIMMY enters S.L.crawling along the ledge until HE reaches MILLIE's window.

JIMMY. Pssst, Millie.

THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE

- 78-

. JIMMY (CONT'D)(WhenMILLIE looksaroundtheoffice.)

Out here. MILLIE

(Spotshim on thekdge. CrossesD.S. eoinsideofwindow.)

For God's sake, Jimmy,what areyou doing?

\JIMMY

How else can 1 get to you? Old Elbnws has evecy door barricaded. Sbe saysyou never wanrto see me again.\

\MILLIE

That's what 1 tOld her.JIMMY

Take it back,(TeasingMILLIE.)

or I'll jump. MILLIE

Jimmy! I'm in no mood for this. It's been a rough day.JIMMY

Can 1 help?

\\

MILLIE

1 don'r knOW;you needa stenog? I'm quitting my job. Mr. Gr>ydonisn't avoilableanymore. He's losthisheart t<>-talk about your tangledweb! He's fallenfor a friend ofours.

JIMMY

Miss Dorothy?

(A guess.)

(MILLIE nods"yes.'j

W ell I'll be- MILLIE

Bitter? No, Jimmy. Don't blame her. 1 don't, 1 really don't. Mr. Graydon, either. Loveswamped 'em. We're tOOyoung to live a life of hate.

JIMMY

(Leansinfor a kiss.)

so let's kiss and makeup.(MILLIE turnsaway.)

Or at least make-up. Maybe our kissing wasn't such a good idea.

1 agree,

THOR

arm:

Wha'

Don

Wh

Ge

T\so

A

J

\\\\

\ji,

- 79-TIIOROUGIILY MODERN MILLIE-

MILLIE

Or maybe you prefer kissing Miss Dororhy.

JIMMY

Whar are you talking about?

MILLIE

Don't deny it, Jimmy. I was a lirtlegiddyfrom champagne,bur I sawyou leavingher room.

JIMMY

What did you think we were doing?!

MILLIE

Gee,I can't imagine. Not that I needto. She told me everything.

JIMMY

Then you got your wirescrossed! Yes,I went to her room last night. I had to talk tosomebody.

JIMMY

As a matter of fact, it was. I've been so confused, Millie, so mixed-up. Ever since you

tripped me, life's been topsy-tUrvy. Like now, for instance... what am I doing on a windowledge hundreds of feet in the air?

I

I

I

\

MILLIE

An intimate conversation,from the looksof it.

MILLIE

Good question. Can you answer it inside,Jimmy? You're makingme nervous.

JIMMY

No thanks. I like the view. The world looksdifferentfrom up here, Millie.

MILLIE

Better or worse?

JIMMY

. You tell me.

MILLIE

Just the same skyline I see every day.

JIMMY

I'm talking tWenty stories beneath us.

----

.~. .......-..-_....

- 80- THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE

#17 - I Tumed the Comer

JIMMY

II I

(Spoken.)Dozensof busses...hundreds of cabs...

(Sings.)THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE,WAYDOWN BELOW,WANDERING TO AND FRO.TIRELESSPEOPLE, NO TIME TO LOSE,CROWDING THE AVENUESAND PARKS.ON THEIR MARKS,RACING FAST, QUITE A CAST.MILLIONS OF PEOPLE, PICK ANYTWO:THEY COULD BEJUST LIKEYOU AND ME USED TO BE,WAYBACKWHEN, STRANGERS,THEN-

I TURNED THE CORNER, AND THERE YOU STOOD,YOUR SMILE LIKEHOME TO ME, YOUR HEART FAMILIAR.NO USE PRETENDING, NOT THAT I COULD.I TURNED THE CORNER WHEN I MET YOU.

I

I

I

!i.1

I

I

I TURNED THE CORNER, STOPPED ON A DIMELIKEI REMEMBERED SOMEONE LONG FORGOTIEN.NO MERE FLIRTATION, NO MARKING TIME.I TURNED THE CORNER WHEN I MET YOU,WHEN I MET YOU.

UIMMY cautiously stands up on the ledge.)WAS OUR ENCOUNTER PLANNED,DESTINYS GUIDING HAND?FORTUNE OR FATE, IT'S GRANDTHE WAY YOU MAKE ME FEEL!

(MILLIE tentatively climbs out on the ledge-literally and figuratively.THEY embrace, then immediately pull apart, terrified to be standing 20storiesabove Manhattan. JIMMY reaches[01"MILLIE's hand, and theystart dancing, tentatively atfirst. then relaxing into a romantic, "Fredand Ginger"pas de deux.)

(Spoken.)

JIMMYHave dinner with me.

MILLIE

All right. A celebration.

JIMMYThen let's do it up right: champagne!

TIIOROUGIILY MODERN MILLIE--Caviar!

Lobsrer!

MILLIE

JIMMY

MILLIEAfour-srarjoinr so swank, rhey don'r pur priceson rhe menu.

JIMMYI'vegor ir. Muzzy'ssingingar Cafe Sociery. We'll go rhere.

Deal. And Durch trear.

Oh,no.

MILLIE

JIMMY

MILLIE

I

I

I

\

MILLIEOh, yes. We'll pool what lirtlemoneywe haveand blow ir all on one memorablemeal. Andifwe don't ear again for a monrh, who cares?

JIMMY(Sings.)

ALLOF THE PASTERASED,GLORIOUS FUTURE FACED.NOW THAT MY LIFEYOU'VEGRACED,I'LL NEVER BETHE SAME!I TURNED THE CORNER,FEET ON THE GROUND.MY SPIRIT SOAREDASYOU APPEAREDBEFOREME!I WASN'T LOOKING.LOOK WHAT I FOUND!

(Sings.)ALL OF THE PASTERASED,GLORIOUS FUTURE FACED.NOW MY LIFE WILL NEVER BETHESAME!

I TURNED THE CORNER,FEET ON THE GROUND.MY SPIRIT SOAREDASYOU APPEAREDBEFORE ME!I DIDN'T LOOK-WHAT I FOUND!

JIMMYI TURNED THE CORNER WHEN I MET YOU.

UIMMYand MILLIE are about to kisswhen THEY are interrupted byMR. GRAYDON's voicefrom 0.5.)

John!

MR. GRAYDON

JIMMYYou better gerback to work beforeyour ex-lovermissesyou.

- 82- TBOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE..-"--

MILLIE

II Pick me up at seven?

JIMMYPick you up at seven.

(MILLIE returns to her deskasJIMMY remains on the ledge.)

BOTHI TURNED THE CORNER

I

I

I

JIMMYWHEN I MET YOU.

#18 - 'Fallin hi Love' Re rise

II I

CHING HO(A struggleto sound out the wordsphonetically.)

I love you, Miss Dorothy.

ALL(Minus CHING HO, who remains on the ledge.)

IF SOMEONE WOULD ONLY LOVE ME!

TrlOI

Ot

OJ

o(JIMMY is seated on the S.R. section of the ledge as it splits apart. MR.GRAYDON enters S.L. and MISS DOROTHY enters S.R. Each ofthem is in his/her own world, which is indicated by four separate pools oflight.)

MILLIE JIMMY MR. GRAYDON MISS DOROTHYr (}.

::FOR I'M FALLING FORI AM

1 I

IN LOVE WITH FALLING IN LOVESOMEONE, WITH SOME ONE FALLING IN LOVE

.1 SOMEONE. GIRL. WITH SOMEONE, SOMEONE,y! I'M FALLINGIN lAM FALLINGSO SOME GIRL. SOME ONE GIRL.

LOVE WITH IN LOVE,

ISOMEONE, A FEELING I HAVEHEAD AWHIRL. NEVER FELT. PULSES

IPULSES LEAPING MADLY, HEAD AWHIRL.LEAPING MADLY. HEAD AWHIRL.

:1

YES, I'M FALLING YES, I'M FALLING YES, I'M FALLING YES, I'M FALLINGIN LOVE WITH IN LOVE WITH IN LOVE WITH IN LOVE WITH

I SOMEONE, PLAIN . SOMEONE, PLAIN SOMEONE, PLAIN SOMEONE, PLAINTO SEE, TO SEE, TO SEE, TO SEE,I'M SURE I COULD I'M SURE I COULD I'M SURE. I'M SUREI COULDLOVE SOMEONE LOVE SOMEONE. LOVE SOMEONE,MADLY,

(CHING HO enters on the ledgeS.L., in his own pool of light. HE isstudying the Chinese/Englishdictionary.)

)

I

TIlOROlJGIILY MODERN MILLIE- - 83 -

#18a - Love and PeriL

SCENE 3

The twelfth floor of the HoteL PrisciLla. MRS. MEERS enters with abundLe ofpink roses. SHE isfoLLowed ~y BUN FOO, who drags areLuctant CHING HO on with him. SHE tiptoes to MISS DOROTHY'sdoor and presses her ear against it. MISS DOROTHY can be heardinside, rehearsing a monoLogue.

MISS DOROTHY(From inside her room.)

Oh, woe is me!

(Another Line reading.)Oh, woe is me!

{Another Line reading.}Oh, woe is me!

MRS. MEERS

I

(No "Chinese" accent.)

Oh, give it up. Give it up.(The joke is Loston BUN FOO and CHING HO, so it's back to

business, MRS. MEERS removes two pesticide spray guns from inside thebundLe of roses. SHE hands one to BUN FOO.)

He loves me.

(SHE hands the other spray gun to CHING HO.)He loves me not.

CHING HO

Mh dak, Mrs. Maiyisi.SUPERTITLE

No, Mrs. Meers.

MRS. MEERSNo what, Ching Ho?

CHING HONgoh mh jeun leih seung hOlh Dolohkdai S'iuje.

SUPERTITLEI won't let you do this to Miss Dorothy.

BUN FOOv

Mh h6u sehng yaht mlmjyfih keuih hou fihh6u?!

SUPERTITLEWould you forgetaboUther?!

I

IIIII

CHING HOLeih d6u mh ming baahk ng6i chIng haih mat!

SUPERTITLEYou don't knowwhat loveis!

BUN FOO

Ni go sai gaai jauh haih gam yeung ga la. Yauhyahn syu, yauh yahn yehng, ngoh ne, jauh yehnggang ga la, bIn go dou jo mh dou ngoh ge!

SUPERTITLE

Welcome to the world. Somebody loses,somebody wins, and I'm going to win, sodon't get in my way!

.......

- 84- THOROUGHL Y MODERN MILLIE THe

II(CHING HO's next line overlaps BUN FOO's line to create the feelingof an escalating argument. It is not translated for the audience, and istranslated below only for the actors' benefit.)

CHING HOLeih tai hfileih bIn chfng mat yfn yang!

TRANSLATIONLookat what you've become!

MRS. MEERS(Quieting them.)

I

I

rI

And curtain!(Pushes them D.S. center.)

Soare me the familv feud. It boils down to this: who's it

MRS. MEERS

or Mama?(Spoken.)

(Sings.)EVERYTHING SEEMSLOVELYWHEN YOU START TO ROAM.THE BIRDSARE SINGING THE DAYTHAT YOU STRAY,BUT WAIT UNTIL YOU ARE FARTHER AWAY.THINGS WON'T BE SO LOVELYWHEN YOU'RE ALLALONE.HERE'S WHAT YOU'LL KEEP SAYINGWHEN YOU'RE FARFROM

HOME.

(MRS. MEERS removes a photograph from her pocket which she danglesin front of CHING HO and BUN FOO: it's their mother.)

I

I

BUN FOO(From the heart.)

MU QIN.

SUPERTITLE

Mammy.

MRS. MEERS(Spoken.)

That's right.

CHING HO(Sings.)

MU QIN.

SUPERTITLE

Mammy.

MRS. MEERS(Spoken.)

Now you're talking.

TIIOROUGIILY MODERN MILLIE

BUN Faa SUPERTITLE(Sings.)

TAl YANGZHAODONGFANG. The sunshineseast.

CHING HO SUPERTITLETAl YANG ZHAO Xl FANG. The sun shineswest.

MRS. MEERS

BUTYOU KNOW WHERE "TAIYANGZHAO" BEST.SUPERTITLE

BUN FaaZHAO DAO, ZHAO DAOMU QlN TA SHEN SHANG.

On Mammy.

SUPERTITLECHING HO

ZHAO w6, ZHAO w6v - - - ....

MU QIN TA SHEN SHANG.

MRS. MEERS

My mammy.

(Spoken.)Yeah!

SUPERTITLEBOTH

(Sing.)~ _ v V

WODE XINYONGYUANWANGnA XIANG.

My heart strings are tangled around Siam-yo

MRS. MEERS

(Spoken.)You can taste her cooking!

SUPERTITLEII

\

\

\

CHING HO(Sings.)

w6 LL\1LL~O. I

BU REN YAO NIN DUO DENGDAl.

I'm coming.Sorrythat I madeyouwait.

MRS. MEERS

(Spoken.)Take her home!

- 86-

II BUN Faa(Sings 'a la folson.)

WOLAIuAo. I I

WAN LE KONG pA NIN BU zAI.

THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE 1

SUPERTITLE

r m coming.I hope and pray r m not too late.

MRS. MEERS(Spoken.)

It's never too late for:

I

I

I

ALL(Sing.)

MAMMY. MAMMY.

CHING HO AND BUN Faav v v V

WO YUEN ZOU BAI WAN Uv --KAN NI XIAO MI MI.

rf,-~.

ALLMY MAMMY.

SUP ERTITLE(

''M, M.

"ammy. ammy.

spelled vertically inMandarin characters.)

I

I

t,!SUPERTITLE

We'd walk a million miles for one of thosesmiles.

SUPERTITLE("My Mammy. " spelledvertically in Mandarincharacters.)

(ALL dance a soft shoe, CHING HO and BUN FOO motivated byfilialdevotion, MRS. MEERS motivated by having gotten them back underher thumb.)

CHING HOv ... v v ... V

WO YUEN ZOU BAI WAN U... v ... --

KAN NI XIAO MI MI.

BUN FOOv I ... , v I ...

WO YI BEl FANZUI YEBU HAlpA.

SUPERTITLEr d walk a million miles for one of those smiles.

SUPERTITLEWe'll lead a lifeof crime to buy us sometime.

MRS. MEERSTHEY'LL WORK FOR MRS. MEERSTHE REST OF THEIR YEARS!

ALLMYMAMMY!

SUPERTITLEYou know the word.

II

(MRS.MEERS opensMISS DOROTHY's door. CHING HO andBUN FOO exit into her room, armed with the spray guns.)

TIIOROUGIILY MODERN MILLIE - 87 -; --

MRS. MEERSw6 YUENz6u BAIWANL1KANN"I xlAo MIMI.

(exiting in tl slow strut S.L.)MY MAMMY!

SCENE 4

hose

MUZZY'S BOYSWE'VE BEEN SADAND LONESOME,HERE AT CAFE SOCIETY.BUT TONIGHT THE WORLD IS RIGHT.A DREAMCOME TRUE:MISS "YOU-KNOW-WHO" IS BACKWHERE SHE BELONGS.BADA DA DA DA,BADA DA DA DA DA,BAROT OAT DA DA,BADA DA DA DA,BADA DA DA DA DA.

(MUZZY entersD.L.)

1

MUZZY

I

I

I

\

d

lose smiles.

LIFE ISA HOLIDAY.I'M TALKING JUNE THROUGH MAY.A NIGHTLY SELL-OUT SHOW,AND BABY,I'M FRONT ROW.BYE-BYETO LONELYNIGHTS,ONLY NIGHTS WHEN THE TWO OF US CAN COO.SKIESARE SUNNYAND CLEAR,LONG ASI'M HERE WITH YOU.

orne tIme.

MUZZYTHE WORLD'S A SUGAR

BOWL.IT'S SEVENSEV'RYROLL.SNEAKPEEKAT

PARADISE.THE VIEW IS MIGHTY

NICE.I GOT NO BLUESTO

SING,CHOOSE TO SING A

MELODY FORTWO.

MUZZY'S BOYSBOO-DY-I DAH.BOO-DY-IDAH.BADA DA DA DA DA BR -BOO-DY-I DAH.BOO-DY-IDAH.BADA DA DA DA DA BR -

OOH.

OOH.

.MUZZY

HAPPYENDING IS NEAR,LONG ASI'M HERE WITH YOU.

THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE

-- 88-

(MILLIE, JIMMY and DISHWASHERS are revealed U.S. center.THEY roll kitchen sinks D.S. center. Meanwhile, MUZZY andMUZZY'S BOYS dance U.S., their backs to the audience, while the

following scene takes place. MILLIE washes dishes while JIMMY dries.)

\ \

MILLIE

(Spoken.)Well, you saidwe'd hear Muzzy sing,but you didn't saywe'd hear het from the kitchen.

JIMMY

\\

\

Hey, we both came up short.MILLIE

True. Now we know why they don't put pticeson the menu' they'te ashamed!JIMMY

This is not how I intended this evening to end.

JIMMY

\

\

MILLIE

You sure about that?

What's that supposed to mean?MILLIE

When you want to see a show, you're an usher fot a night. Is this how you get yout fisheggs?

JIMMY

\\

I said 1'd ask Muzzy to front us the dough.MILLIE

She'sbusy. And it's not likewe could pay het back. It'll be macaroni in my tOomuntil mynextpaycheck.Andyou-never mind.

JIMMY

What? Go on.DISHW ASHER

(To JIMMY. indicating a plate.)

Missed a spot.

JIMMY

(To MILLIE, a dig.)

Where's the soy sauce?MILLIE

I'll stick with vinegar. My grandmotherswearsit'll clean anything.

I _TIIOROUGIIL Y MODERN MILLIE - 89-

MILLIE (CONT'D)(The lights change, and JIMMY and DISHWASHERS continue in slowmotion as MILLIE sings an inner monologue.)

GRANNY, DEAR. MOTHER MINE....(Studying her suds-covered hands.)

NOT FOR THE LIFEOF ME!(MUZZYand MUZZY'S BOYS face the audience and crossD.S.MILLIE and JIMMY are back in real time, and she speaks to him.)

MILLIE(Spoken.)

I'm sorry,Jimmy. This wasa mistake. We'renot right for each other!

MUZZY'S BOYS(Sing.)

LIFE ISA HOLIDAY.I'M TALKINGJUNE THROUGH MAY.A NIGHTLY SELL-OUT SHOW,AND BABY,I'M FRONT ROW.

(MILLIE exits S.L. asJIMMY and DISHWASHERS roll kitchen sinks

offS.R. MUZZY and MUZZY'S BOYS dance D.S. center.)

MUZZYI

II

\

(Sings.)I GOT NO BLUESTO SING,CHOOSE TO SING A MELODY FOR TWO.HAPPYENDING IS NEAR,LONG AS I'M HERE WITH YOU.WHO CARESIF THERE'S NO BOOZE,OR THAT THE YANKEESLOSE?CAN'T PAYMY INCOME TAX,BUT IN SPITE OF THE FACTS,NO ONE COULD ASKFOR MORE.

MUZZY'S BOYSDOO-OO.

MUZZYKID IN A CANDY STORE.

MUZZY'S BOYSDOO-OO.

MUZZYTHE JACKPOT HASBEEN HIT.

MUZZY'S BOYSDOO-OO.

MUZZYI'M LIVIN' PROOF OF IT.

- - -- .

- 90- THOROUGIIL Y MODERN MILLIE -MUZZY'S BOYS

II000-00.

MUZZYAND AS FOR ALLTHAT

PASSED,CALLTHAT PAST!I FOUND A HEART

THAT'S TRUE.

MUZZY'S BOYSOOH.

OOH.

I

I

I

MUZZYWHAT A RED-LETTER YEAR,LONG AS I'M HERE WITH YOU.

(To MUZZY'S BOYS.)AND YOU. AND YOU. AND YOU. AND YOU. AND YOU.

(To audience.)AND YEAH,YOU TOO!SO HAPPY,DEAR,LONG AS I'M HERE WITH,LONG ASI'M HERE WITH YOU!

MUZZY'S BOYSAND YOU. AND YOU. AND YOU. AND YOU. AND YOU.GOOD-BYE TO YOU!

(MUZZY'S BOYS exit S.R. as MUZZY takes a bow and blowsthemkisses.)

I

I

SCENE 5

MUZZY'S dressingroom. MATHILDE enters, helping MUZZY withher robe. MA THILDE hands her aflask, and MUZZY takes a swig.

MUZZYThanks, Mathilde.

MATHILIDEAnd Mrs. Van H., you got yourselfa visitor.

MUZZYBetween sets?

MATHILDEThis one you'll want to see.

MUZZYOh, all right.

(MA THILDE exits S.R. MUZZY spots MILLIE, seated on a poujfe,center.)

(As if excited.)

Jimmy told me your plan! To marry your boss?

rIlOROUGI-IL y MODERN MILLIE - 9\ -

MUZZY (CONT'D)Millie? What are you doing here?

(MILLIE stands.)

MILLIEIi was supposed to be dinner for two. Now it's dishes for two hundred.

MUZZY

[.ct me guess: Jimmy?

MILLIEAnd I'm so crazy about him, it almost seemed fun. But not a lifetime of it, not for me! Imay be a working girl, but I'm no boob.

MUZZYWho said there's anythingwrong with being a workinggirl? I was a workinggirl myselfinthe chorus. And by the by, I wasno boob, either.

MILLIENo. You married well. That's my plan, and I've got to stick to it!

MUZZY

MILLIEYes.

MUZZY(Even more excited.)

Love has nothing to do with it?!

MILLIENo ma'am! I'm a modern.

MUZZY

. (Telling it like it is.)You're a boob.

MILLIEBut Muzzy-

MUZZY(Indicates the pouffe.)

Sit down, Millie. Sit down. Now, I know you're not going to believe me, but when I firstmer Mr. Van H., I had no idea he was a real multi-millionaire. I really hadn't. He was justanother one of those darling daddies hanging around rhe stage door. True, cross my heart.And he drank beer. Facts be known, I truly prefer beer. Oh, he was a great and wonderfulman. Affection, that's what he had. Affection. Well, we became engaged, and Mr. Van H.,

-

--. -'..

-. -. --.

-92- TI-IOROUGIIL Y MODERN MILLIE --II

MUZZY (CONT'D)he gave me this great big old green glass brooch. And I lent it to my girlfriend one night soshe could impress a new beau. Well, as fate would have it, the new beau turned out to be ajeweler! And the green glass brooch turned our to be emeralds! I've got to admit, in thiscase, I truly do prefer emeralds. But I was heartsick. I thought Mr. Van H. had stolen it, soI begged him to take it back and go straight. Well, he just laughed and laughed and laughed,and then he told me that he reallywas a real multi-millionaire, even ifhe didn't look like oneto a girl. And we became married right away. Bur tweedums, like I say, while I truly preferemeralds, we could have made it on green glass.

(Moved at the memory o/her late husband.)We could have made it on green glass.I

I

I

MILLIE(HugsMUZZY)

Oh, Muzzy, you're soworthwhile.

II I

MUZZYot in mind, love has eve

MUZZY

(Spoken, regarding the music.)

They're starting my number.(MUZZY startsto exit S.L. SHE stopswhen she reachesthe exit.)

Follow your heart.(MUZZY exitsS.L.)

MILLIEI

I

(Sings.)A SIMPLECHOICE, NOTHING MORE.THIS ORTHAT,EITHER/OR. .

MARRYWELL, SOCIAL WHIRL, BUSINESSMAN,CLEVERGIRL,OR PIN MY FUTURE ON A GREEN GLASSLOVE?WHAT KIND OF LIFE AM I DREAMING OF?I SAY:GIMME GIMME... GIMME GIMME...GIMME GIMME THAT THING CALLEDLOVE.I WANT IT.GIMME GIMME THAT THING CALLEDLOVE.I NEED IT.HIGHS AND LOWS, TEARSAND LAUGHTER.GIMME HAPPYEVERAFTER.GIMME GIMME THAT THING CALLEDLOVE.GIMME GIMME THAT THING CALLEDLOVE.I CRAVEIT.GIMME GIMME THAT THING CALLEDLOVE.I'LL BRAVEIT.THICK 'N THIN, RICH-OR-POOR TIME.GIMME YEARS,AND I'LL WANT MORE TIME.GIMME GIMME THAT THING CALLEDLOVE.GIMME GIMME THAT THING CALLEDLOVE.

,I.

1

- ---- --- -

--

TIIOROUGIIL Y ,MODERN MILLIE - 93-

MILLIE (CONT'D)I'M FREENOW.GIMME GIMME THAT THING CALLED LOYE.I SEE NOW.FLY,DOYE! SING, SPARROW!GIMME CUPID'S FAMOUSARROW.GIMME GIMME THAT THING CALLED LOYE.I DON'T CARE IF HE'S A NOBODY.IN MY HEART, HE'LL BEA SOMEBODY.SOMEBODY TO LOVE ME!I NEED IT.GIMME THAT THING CALLEDLOYE.I WANNIT!HERE I AM, ST. YALENTINE,MY BAGSARE PACKED,I'M FIRST IN LINE!APHRODITE, DON'T FORGET ME.ROMEO AND JULIET ME!FLY,DOYE! SING, SPARROW!GIMME FAT BOY'SFAMOUSARROW!GIMME GIMME THAT THING C;:ALLEDLOYE!

SCENE 6

The dining room of Cafe Society. MR. GRAYDON, drunk and anddisheveled, is slumped over his table. At the next table are DAPHNE, awealthy, if nouveau riche, woman, and DEXTER, her beleagueredhusband.

.;':-~iJ

'IMR. GRAYDON

(Sings like a drunken moose.)AH! SWEET MYSTERYOF LIFE,AT LASTI'YE FOUND THEE.

'DAPHNE

(Spoken to MR. GRAYDON.)Pardon me, but my husband and I are trying to enjoy a romantic dinner. It's ouranmversary.

DEXTER'. ,.-

I

Eight. Teen. Years.

MR. GRAYDONS'beautiful. S'cuse me.

(Sings another outburst.)AH! I KNOW AT LASTTHE SECRET OF IT-

f)I\PHNE

(Spoken.)Sir! I really must insist that you-

THOR

THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE

- 94-MR. GRAYDON

(Fora moment,HE'sa meandrunk.)Chuck it, ma'am, just chuck it!

I'll ex

DAPHNE. I wer.

Well, 1 never...!(DAPHNE startsto exit S.R., orderingDEXTER like a dog.)

Dexter, come!(DAPHNE ex;tsS.R. foUow~dby DEXTER. MILLIE entersS.R. MR.GRAYDON mistakesherfor a waiter.)

Mrs.

\!

Oh, helloJohn.(MR. GRAYDON handsMILLIE hiscoffeecup.)

More coffee.MILLIE

(When the fumes hit her.) Yo

Strong coffee!MR. GRAYDON Sh

(His words slurred.)

Not strong enough. Could not never be strong enough!MILLIE

Could not never? Double negative... Oh. Mr. Graydon. wha' s happened to you?

EIar

MR. GRAYDON

She stOod me up.MILLIE

Miss Dorothy stOodyou up? How very strange.OIMMYentersS.L. and spotsMILLIE.)

(

JIMMY

Millie! You didn't leave!MILLIE

I started to, but-MR. GRAYDON

(To JIMMY.)

Say-

MR. GRAYDON

Set me up, tapster.

D1 -sa

MILLIE

, Johr

Mr. Graydon?!"I

,'I;

MR. GRAYDON

+,I do:

TIIOROlJGIIl.Y MODERN MIl.LlE.~

~

- 95 -

MILLIE(To JIMMY.)

I'll explain later. Go on, Mr. Graydon.

MR. GRAYDON(Still very drunk.}

I went to the Hotel Priscilla to call on Miss Dorothy, and the lady at the fronr desk-

MILLIE

C\! I Mrs. Meers.i/j

MR. GRAYDON

-said that she had checked out. No note, no forwarding address...(HE's on the vergeof becominga weepydrunk.)

II John,where isshe?

MILLIEI don't know.

JIMMY

You suspect foul(I nlstant!y stone cold sob ~R. G RAYD 0 N

pay, son? er./'"

JIMMYShe wouldn't check out without telling anyone.

MILLIEEthel Peasdid. And another girlwhen I first moved in. Both of them were here one dayand gone the next,without a word to anyone, exceptMrs. Meers.

MR. GRAYDONWhat did the young ladieshave in common? Wocidlypossessions?

MILLIEGosh, no. Ethel Peas didn't have a dime. And what's-her-name was flat broke. And anorphan, poor thing.

(In aflash, a perfect imitation of MRS. MEERS as the orchestraplays atrem/o.)

"Sad to be awe arone in da whirld."(chord)

MR. GRAYDONhow s (!lat.

THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE

-96-MILLIE

\\ Mrs. Meers is always saying that.(chord)

JIMMY

Mrs. Meers again.MILLIE

You don't think-?!(chord)

JIMMY

I do.MILLIE

You don't mean-?!(chord)

(Starting to exit.)

Not ifl can help it. I'm calling the police!

MR. GRAYDON

White slavery!(When MILLIE and JIMMY gasp.)

Cruel, bur true. If a girl is aUalone in the world and she ebecks our, who's ro question herfate?

JIMMY

But Miss Dorothy isn't all alonein the world!MR. GRAYDON

Certainly not!MILLIE

She's got us!JIMMY

When did you last see her, at the priscilla?MILLIE

I knocked on her door when I gorhome &010work, but no aoswer. I figuredshewasnappmg.

MR. GRAYDON

Kidnapping, I'd say!JIMMY

THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE - 97 -

"I

1

J

I

j.,.

1".f

~ ,.I.

MR. GRAYDON .

, (StoppingJIMMY)Steady, boy. Anything that might arouse Mrs. Meers' suspicioncould mean an end to MissDorothy.

MILLIE

You'~eright. What we need is a temporaryorphan,someonewho's willingto put herselfinharm sway.

. JIMMY .I get It! Take the bait, do a sleepingbeauty,and leadus[0MIssDorothy.

MILLIEBingo! I'd do it myself, but she knows me.

MR. GRAYDONAnd she's unlikely to forget the Cain I raisedwhenshetOldme Miss Dorothy was gone.

. JIMMY . .Graydon, I don't think either of us would pass as a neWgifl 10town.

(MILLIE gets an idea.)

MILLIEBut I know someone who would!

(JIMMY seemsto read MILLIE's mind. HE and MILLIE exit S.R.Utterly clueless,MR. GRAYDON follo,,!sthem.)

SCENE 7

The lobby of the Hotel Priscilla. MuZZYenters, disguised in ingenue

apparel and a blonde wig, and carrying a beat-up suitcase. SHE suroeys

, the lobby, clearly unused to less than four-star accommodations. SHEcrosses to the ftont desk and rings the bell.

MRS. MEERS(From inside her office. Drowsily, with no "Chinese" accent.)

Coming!(MUZZY rings again.)

I'm coming.(MUZZY rings again. MRS. MEERS entersfrom her office, her"Chinese" accent kicking in.)

00 vou have any idea what time it is~

- - --- - --- --- --

- 98- THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE Tlfe0.-

II MUZZY(For all her talent, she doesnt play the ingenue well.)

I hope I didn't wake you.

Not

MRS. MEERS

At three a.m.? Why would I be asleep? Now, what can I do for you, miss-(Upon closerinspectionof MUZZY)

Die

madam?Nc

MUZZYThe sign says vacancy.

",,

,i

MRS. MEERS stSo?

MUZZY Ir

So 1'd like to fill it.

Iifl.

" . .

~lMRS. MEERS

JYou sure you come to right place?

MUZZYThis is a hotel, isn't it?

MRS. MEERSVh-huh. The Hotel Priscilla, a residence for young ladies.

MUZZY(Choosing to ignore the dig.)

Precisely. I need a room.

MRS. MEERS(Drops "Chinese" accent in amazement that a woman MUZZY's age

considers herself young.)Suit yourself.

(Covering the dropped accent with a geisha giggle, then back to the"Chinese" accent.)

A nice sunny room just become available.

MUZZY

I can't wait to settle in and start making friends. I don't know a soul in New York. I don'tknow a soul anywhere... except at the orphanage!

MRS. MEERS

(The word "orphan" is like catnip to her.)OM! Sad to be all alone in the world.

(Scrutinizes MUZZY)But surely, that was years ago.

TIiOROUGIII.Y MODERN MIl.LIE - 99-

MUZZY(Forcing herself to ignore the age crack.)

Nor at all. I came straight away from St. Bonaventure's Home for Orphaned Children."

MRS. MEERS(Drops the "Chinese" accent and goes for the jugular.)

Did you walk?(MUZZY fumes silent~y, covering with a forced smile. MRS. MEERS

resumes the "Chinese" accent.)

Now, if you'd register.(Reading overMUZZY's shoulderas MUZZY registers.)

"Zazu... Rosy...(Drops the "Chinese" accent, floored by the last name.)

Shmevmen?!"

MUZZYIr's Swe.dish.

MRS. MEERS(Back to the "Chinese" accent.)

Funny, I think you "Finnish." Now, before I show you to your room, why don't we getacquainted over a freshly brewed cup of green tea?

#22a - Green Tea

MUZZY

(Exiting into MRS. MEERS' office.)Oh, I'm just mad for green tea!

MRS. MEERS

(fUrtively dials the phone, droppi"ng "Chinese" accent.)Hello, Buddha? Butterfly here. I've got one for you, priced to sell at two-sevenry--

(On second thought, slashing the price.)

Two-fifty. A little long in the roath, but in a dark corner on the late, late shift at Big Mary'sTart Shop in Hong Kong-

MUZZY(Peeks her head out of the office.)

You coming?(MUZZY exits, and MRS. MEERS slashes the price again.}

MRS. MEERSMake it one-fifty.

.'

r Q

;J.\,.","

1,.if;>'"

_ __1iii!!III ~ ..

- 100- THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE

II

(MRS. MEERS exits into her office. MILLIE, JIMMY and MR.

GRA YDON enter U.S.R. THEY enter the elevator and begin tapdancing, causing the elevator to ascend.) .

SCENE 8

I

I

A dark hallway of the Hotel Priscilla. CHING HO wheels a laundrycart on stage. HE checks to make sure the coast is clear, then opens it.MISS DOROTHY pops up, her hands tied behind her back, her mouth

gagged. CHING HO removes her gag.

"

MISS DOROTHY(As CHING HO unties her hands.)

What is going on around here? Wheeling me through the lobby in a cart filled with dirtylaundry!?

(As CHING HO rifles through a tabloid newspaper.)Most irregular, I don't care how middle class a place it is!

(When CHING HO spreadsthe open newspaperin front of her.)This is no time for the newspaper. I demand an eXplanation!

(CHING HO points emphatically to an article. MISS DOROTHYreads from the newspaper.)

"Police are on the lookout for Daisy Crumpler "

CHING HOMrs. Maiyisi!

MISS DOROTHY" I~~

Ii

'f, II

~

ft lg:t\'\'~"':.I1:j 1it~ J

l"

Mrs. Meers?!

(J4 closer look at the picture accompanying the article.)

Dear me! She needs a new headshot. But why are the police after her?(CHING HO closespaper to reveal the "White Slavery" headline)"Wh

'

Sl "~lte avery.. ..(In a panic as the horror of it dawns on her.)

No, no... help me! Somebody, help!

CHING HOShhhhhh! .

Part 2 ..-

(CHING HO removes the Chinese/English dictionary from his pocket,finds the word, then struggles to sound it out.)

CHING HOI protect you, Miss Dorothy.

(CHING HO closesthe dictionary and indicates for MISS DOROTHYto duck inside the cart. Instead, SHE reachesfor the dictionary.)

- - ---

Part 3

TtIOROlJGIII.Y MODERN MII.LlE- - 101-

MISS DOROTHY

MayI see rhar, please? .(SHE takes the dictionary and flips through it till SHE finds the word,

then struggles to sound it out.)

MISS DOROTHY

Dwojieh. Mr. Ho.

SUPERTITLEThank you, Mr. Ho.

CHING HOChingHo.

MISS DOROTHYChingHo.

MRS. MEERS(From O.S.R.)

Ching Ho! Bun Foo!

MISS DOROTHYShe's coming!

(MISS DOROTHY ducks inside the cart. CHING HO closesit and

wheels it offS.L. as MRS. MEERS enters S.R. The set shifts to reveal thelaundry room of the hotel. There are three laundry carts in a row S.R.,and st~irs S.L. The walls are adorned with MRS. MEERS' clippings,headli,nes reading "Cash for Cuties, " "Girls Missing, " "Rotten Daisy, ""White Slavery, "etc. Center stage are sheets hanging, as if to dry.)

MRS. MEERS(No "Chinese" accent.)

Bun Foo! Ching H-(Carrying MUZZY's suitcase,BUN FOO entersS.R. and startlesMRS.

MEERS.)Ooooooh!

BUN FOO{Startled that SHE is startled.}

Ooooooh!

MRS. MEERSWhere's your brorher?

(When BUN FOD shakeshis head to indicate that HE doesn'tunderstand, SHE repeats the question, elongating the words as if HE isdeaf and/or stupid. BUN FOO mirrors the contortedfaces SHE makesin an attempt tofigure out what SHE is saying.)

Y OOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuu,-u. ::.. Vv".-' ~ ~ nr",,..,,,,,,,nn' Theeeeeeeeeeeeeeer!

(SHE's had it.)y

l.J

- 102- THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE

MRS. MEERS (CONT'D)Skip it! Been in this country over a month, and you still don't speak a word of English. Youare going nowhere, just like that mother of yours. She will rot in Hong Kong before Iimport her and you're too big a fool to know it!

(Using gestures to convey the meaning.)

Go! Find! Ching Ho!

THOR-

I sonmereAres

#22c - Zazu Rosy Sclmw/J1Jle1l(BUN FOO exits slowly up the stairs S.L.as MRS.MEERS crosses to the

laundry cart closest to center and sits on it, addressing its contents.)Hold tight, Zazu. The boat won't sail without you.

(Amused by the name.)Zazu Rosy Shmevmen...?! You couldn't make that up.

(Maybeyou could make that up!)Or could you?!

I;,.

(Doing the math in her head.)Zazu Rosy Shmevmen...separate the "z"s...Susan Zory Mezhmev...move the "v"...MossyH. Muzzervane.. .carry the "h"... Muzzy Van Hossmere...

(That name she recognizes.)Muzzy Van Hossmere?! .

(Leaps off the cart and opens it.)Or can I still call you Mabel!

(MUZZY sits up inside the cart.)

MUZZYHow do you know my-?

(A flash of recognition.)

Daisy Crumpler! I haven't seen you since they kicked you out of the chorus.

MRS. MEERSI was too good for the chorus.

MUZZY

Well, you're slipping. I'm onto your litt~eoperation.

MRS. MEERSYou can't prove anything.

MUZZYC'mon, you doped me and stashedme in a cart.

MRS. MEERSSo it's a budget hotel. What are you going to do aboUtit? YouWl;>o'ttalk where you'regoing, unlessyou speakChinese.

MUZZYThe disappearanceof MuzzyVan Hossmerewill causequite a stir!

orph;

"COJ

Bur.knm

Rea.

THOROlJGlll.Y MODERN MIIJ.lE - 103-

MRS. MEERS(In her most exaggerated "Chinese" accent yet.)

1'.1sorry, what that name again? Van Hoss-a-mere? No, I don't know a Van Hoss-a-JJ1ere. But I do recall that Zazu Shmevmen check in, then check out of my hotel today.A resdess girl, like coundess others,

(No "Chinese" accent, just one tough broad.)

orphans every one of'em, who no one ever misses when they disappear(In "Chinese" accent, for effect.)

"compretery!"(No "Chinese" accent.)

But then I don't have to tell you. You'll have lots of time to hear their stories as you get toknow them on those summer nights in Hong Kong!

(From inside the S.R. laundry cart, NIR. GRA YDON pops up.)

MR. GRAYDON.~. Read that back to me, please!

#23 - 'The Seed Test'Re rise

(MILLIE pops up from inside the middle cart, steno pad in hand.)

MILLIE(Sings rapid fire.)

VAN HOSSMERE?NO I DON'T KNOW A VAN HOSSMERE.BUT I DO RECALLTHAT ZAZU SHMEVMEN CHECK INTHEN CHECKOUT OF MY HOTEL TODAY.A RESTLESSGIRL, LIKECOUNTLESS OTHERS,ORPHANS EV'RYONE OF 'EM,WHO NO ONE EVERMISSESWHEN THEY DISAPPEAR

"COMPRETERY."BUT THEN I DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOU.YOU'LL HAVE LOTS OF TIME TO HEARTHEIR STORIESASYOU GET TO KNOW THEM ON THOSE SUMMER NIGHTS IN

HONG KONG.

J'!\

MR. GRAYDONEV'RYWORD OF YOUR SUMMATION!

BOTHFASTESTSTENOG IN THE NATION!

OIMMY pops up next to MILLIE in the middle cart.)

ALL(Minus MRS. MEERS.)

AAMAH!

NIK~. lVJ.LLh.J

So, you eavesdropped on me? Hearsay! Inadmissible! Where's the proof? Where's theproof?!

- 104- THOROUGHLY MODERN MIl.LlE

II

(BUN FOO appears at the top of the stairs.)

$,. BUN FOOHong Kong!

MRS. MEERSBun Foo!

BUN FOO(Racing down the stairsand crossingto MRS. MEERS.)

Buddha get girl. Meers get cash. Five, six hundred dollar. Thousand dollar for MissDorothy!

MRS. MEERSIf you want to seeyour mama anytime soon-

BUN FOO

You liar! You no bring ahma over. Me English better than you Chinese!(MR. GRAYDON and JIMMY help MILLIE and MUZZY out of the

carts. THEY form a group around MRS. MEERS.)

JIMMYIt's over,Meers, or Crumpler, or whateveryour aliasdu jour is.

MUZZYNot alias,Jimmy, stagename. But Daisy, is thiswhat you've been reduced to, a characterpart in a sordid taleof villainyand terror?

MRS. MEERSCharacter part.. ..?! Character part?! Try star!

I I

MILLIEWell your show's about to close.

MR. GRAYDONUnless you hand over Miss Dorothy.

MR. GRAYDON, MILLIE, JIMMY AND MUZZYWhere is she?

(From O.S.. MISS DOROTHY's voice is heard. Immediately, allattention is diverted from MRS. MEERS.)

MISS DOROTHYAH! SWEET MYSTERYOF LIFE AT LASTI'VE FOUND THEE.

(ALL scmmble around the stage. searchingfor MISS DOROTHYasMRS. MEERS escapesbehind the stairs.)

i I: "" II it'

b

II

r ./

- 105-

THOROLIGHLY MODERN MILLIE

MR. GRAYDON

(Spoken.)

Miss Dorothy!(MR. GRAYDON takes a breath to sing in response as BUN FOO tears

down the sheets center stage, revealing CHING HO and MISSDOROTHY locked in an embrace.)

CHING HO(Sings.)v I '

AH! WO MING BAISHENG MING DE YI YI LL~O.

SUPERTITLE

Ah! 1know at last the secret of it am

(CHING HO and MISS DOROTHY kisspassionately.)

MR. GRAYDON

But what about me?

MISS DOROTHY

Puppy love, Trevor. I rhoughr i[ was the real rhing, hut rhen Ching Ho rescued me from anunspeakable fate.

CHING HO

1would die for you, Miss Dorothy!

MISS DOROTHY

1love that!

(MILLIE,JIMMY andMUZZY surroundMISS DOROTHY, BUNFOO congratulatesCHING HO, asMR. GRAYDON sulks.)

MILLIE JIMMYMUZZY BUN FOO

Oh, Miss Dorothy,thank God!

T ell us what happened. What you've beenthrough!

Ching Ho!

BUN FOO

(Looking around.)

A'iya! Mrs. Meers!MUZZY

Where is she?

MILLIE

Don't worry, she won't get far.(Calling O.SL)

~ ;o-ht <rirls?

- 106- THOROlJGIIL Y MODERN MILLIE THOR<

(RUTH and GLORIA enter from behind the staircase. They arecarrying pesticide spray guns and arefollowed by MRS. MEERS. ALICEtakes up the rear, spray gun in hand.)

Answe

ALl CEHear that, Meersie?

RUTHThat's right, Millie.

GLORIAYou better believeit.

I'll me

(THEY force MRS. MEERS onto the stairs S.L. RUTH is at the top ofthe stairs, then GLORIA, then MRS. MEERS. ALICE is on the landing.RUTH, GLORIA and ALICE point their pesticide spray guns at MRS.MEERS.)

Poor;

GLORIAWe'd loveto chat, but Meersie'sgot an audition down at policeheadquarters.

Poor

RighI

HalltRUTH

The one gig I'm sure she'll book.Mas.'

ALICE

And there's a reward: the three of us surrounded by a precinct full of men!(GLORIA, ALICE and RUTH squeal with excitement, then start to

exit,forcing MRS. MEERS out with them. MRS. MEERS stopsthem,pushing the sprayguns away as if parting a curtain. SHE clearsherthroat.)

I'mEntc

ALL

" MRS. MEERS~'Thequalityof mercyis not strained. It droppeth as the gentle-"

(Minus MRS. MEERS.)Next!

(MRS. MEERS exits up the stairs. When SHE reaches the top, SHEstopsjust long enough to speak in woefULChinese.)

,o.~ . MRS. MEERS SUPERTITLE

SIgh guy sinung dfin do.ok h6 chaum. Sad to be all alone in the world.(GLORIA, ALICE, RUTH and MRS. MEERS exit.)

MILLIE

.'t

Ii I I

I

JIMMYSo where were we, before we were interrupted by kidnapping, white slave trading and thelike? Oh, yeah .

(Kneelson one knee, then to MILLIE.)Will you marry me?

Jimmy--?!(A short beat. JIMMY holds his breath.)

The

'1>.,

AnIr

'!IIrjf

M)fit

St<

Sc

f

T<:." },

!,ii . 1\

fJ :r.

,j ;Jc if I<

,

.

,

TIIOROUGIILY MODERN MILLIE - 107-

JIMMYWill you marry me?

MILLIE

JIMMY

I'll marry you.

Poor as I am?

MILLIEPooras you are, becauseif it's marriageI have in mind, lovehas everythingto do with it.Right,Muzzy?

MUZZYHallelujah! Now Jimmy, off with the mask.

.,."

MILLIEMask?

JIMMY.~,f..' I'm Herbert J.Van Hossmere, the Third, firstvice presidentof Van HossmereWorldwide

Enterprises.

MUZZYThe "J" is for James.

:~

MILLIE

And Van Hossmere... as in Muzzy?!

JIMMYMy mother!

MUZZYStepmother! I'm not old enough to be your mother.

MILLIESo it wasall a'lie? The CircleLine, the paper clips...?

MISS DOROTHYThat's not far from the truth, Millie. The fortunewas founded in steel.

MILLIEMiss Dorothy, you're in on this, too?!

MISS DOROTHYI'm his sister,Dorothy CarnegieMellonVanderbilt Van Hossmere!

-------- -

:tt .~.

I

.

.

'''''' , ..--~.'. ....

I

I

I II

I I

I I

I

"-'"

- 108- THOROUGHLY MODERN MilLIE

. MUZZYYou see, every fortune hunter in this hemisphere was after Dorothy, and James wassquandering his time and money on the wrong kind of women, so I sent the children out inthe real world with tWenty-fivedollars each, and the high hopes that they'd come back withtruly, truly sweet partners. And they have.

(AsJIMMY embracesMILLIE and MISS DOROTHYembracesCHING HO.)

Oh children, your father would be so proud of you.

MILLIE(To JIMMY.)

SOI guess you already have a stenog.

JIMMYSeveral hundred, actually.

MR. GRAYDON(Crossingto MILLIE.)

You included, John. Van Hossmere Worldwide Enterprises owns the Sincere TrustInsurance Company.

(To JIMMY.)I thought I recognized you last night sir, but, well, John Barleycorn had the better of me.Won't happen again.

(Shaking MILLIE's hand.)Congratulations, John.

(MR. GRAYDON crossesS.R. and stops next to MISS DOROTHY andCHING HO, at a lossfOr words.)

Yyyyyyyyyyyyy-ep.(MR. GRA YDON crossesU.S. center.)

MUZZY(To MILLIE.)

So you see, snookums,

#25 - Finale

you can marry the boss after all.

MILLIEWho cares? I found myselfa greenglasslove.

JIMMYFunny, I found myself an emerald.

(Sings to MILLIE.)HAVEYOU SEEN THE WAYTHEY KISSIN THE MOVIES?

MISS DOROTHY(To CHING HO.)

ISN'T IT DELECTABLE?

"

'~<l~ _~;Wt:~.i:

'~;J:~ ,:;iJ 'I._'~~i...:tv_ w ~.

's

- 109-

(MODERNS are revealed u.s. center. MILLIE and JIMMY kiss.MISS DOROTHY and CHING HO kiss. MUZZY blowsa kiss to her

late husband up above.)

MODERNSAH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH.

(MUZZY exitsS.R. MISS DOROTHYand CHING HO exitS.L.MR. GRAYDON and BUN FOO crossU.S.and disappearbehindtheMODERNS. MILLIE andJIMMY startto exit S.R. butMILLIE grabshis hand and pulls him back for one long, last kiss center stage as theMODERNS slowly crossD.S.)

AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH.(MILLIEandJIMMY exitS.R.)

MODERNS GROUP 1GOOD-BYE, GOOD GOODY

GIRL,I'M CHANGING, AND HOW!

MODERNS GROUP 2OOH.

, ALLI'M CHANGING, AND HOW!I'M CHANGING, AND-

(MR. GRAYDON runsD.S. centerfrom behindthe MODERNS.).:.:.

MR. GRAYDON

I can't live without John! She's the best darn stenog I ever had.

BUN FOO(Runningfrom behind the MODERNS to D.S. center.)

Stenog? I type fifty words a minute!(BUN FOO leapsinto MR. GRAYDON's arms. THEY exit delightedly

S.L.)

MODERNS GROUP 1SO BEATTHE DRUMS, 'CAUSE HERE COMES THOROUGHLY-

MODERNS GROUP 2BEATTHE DRUMS, 'CAUSE HERE COMES THOROUGHLY-

MODERNS GROUP 1HOT OFF THE PRESS! ONE STEP AHEAD! JAZZ AGE!

MODERNS GROUP 2HOT OFF THE PRESS! ONE STEP AHEAD! JAZZ AGE!

ALLWHOOPEE BABY!WE'Kt ~u 11lV:~2~'r"'1.-H V MODERN-

-- I

f.11 f

, IJ

J,II

5

...

"-.."....-.........- 110- THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE

II(The MODERNS part to make way for a NEW MODERN, a young

girl in her Sunday best, who crossesD.S. center carrying the telltalesuitcases.) .

ALL

r I I

(Minus NEW MODERN)NOW!

(As the MODERNS hit their last note, NEW MODERN surveys hersurroundings with awed excitement before turning her back to us andstriking MILLIE's opening pose, another MILLIE about to happen in thenever-ending story that is New York City.)

CURT AIN#26 - BOlUS

ALLSO BEATTHE DRUMS, 'CAUSE HERE COMES THOROUGHLY-HOT OFF THE PRESS! ONE STEP AHEAD! JAZZ AGE!WHOOPEE BABY!WE'RE SO THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE

NOW!(After the final COMPANY bow, MAMA enters U.S. center. ALL part

as MAMA, an elderly Chinese woman, crossesD.S.)

MAMABun Foo.:.? Ching Ho...?

(BUN FOO and CHING HO crossto MAMA.)

CHING HO BUN FOOAlya, MuqIn! Mama!

(BUN FOO and CHING HO hug MAMA in ajoyful family reunion asthefinal curtain falls.)

..

,.

I'i!o.