Malignant Self Love

8/13/2019 Malignant Self Love

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Malignant

Self LoveNarcissism Revisited

1stEDITION

5thRevised Impression

EXCERPTS

Sam Vaknin, Ph.D.The Author is NOT a Mental Health Professional.

The Author is certified in Counselling Techniques.

Editing and Design:

Lidija Rangelovska

A Narcissus Publications Imprint

Prague & Skopje 2003


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! " N # $ N # S

%ore&ord

Introd'(tion ) #*e +a,it'al Identit

#*e Nar(issisti( Personalit .isorder

A Pri-er on Narcissis-

i,liogra%h&

"vervie&

Chapter I: The 4oul of a Narcissist / The 4tate of the Art

Chapter II: eing 4%ecial

Chapter III: ;niqueness and 3nti-ac&

Chapter IV: The 5or+ings of a Narcissist / A Pheno-enolog&

Chapter V: The Tortured 4elf

FAQ # 3: The Energ& of 4elfFAQ # 4: 4elf7'o*e and Narcissis-

FAQ # 5: 4elf7Defeating and 4elf7Destructi*e eha*iours

FAQ # 6: 3deas of )eference

FAQ # 7: ?randiose antasies

FAQ # 8: ?randiosit& Hango*er and Narcissist aiting

FAQ # 9: De%ression and the Narcissist

FAQ # 10: Narcissistic )age


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FAQ # 14: Cons%icuous E@istence

FAQ # 15: The Narcissist9s )eaction to Deficient Narcissistic

4u%%l&

FAQ # 16: The Delusional 5a& Out

FAQ # 17: The Co-%ulsi*e Acts of the Narcissist

FAQ # 18: Narcissistic )outines

FAQ # 19: The ;nsta,le Narcissist

FAQ # 20: Do Narcissists Ha*e E-otions>

FAQ # 21: The 3na%%ro%riate Affect

FAQ # 22: The C&nical Narcissist

FAQ # 23: The Narcissist as a 4adist

FAQ # 24: Other Peo%le9s Pain

FAQ # 25: The Ps&cholog& of Torture

FAQ # 26: Multi%le ?randiosit&FAQ # 27: alse Modest&

FAQ # 28: 5ar%ed )ealit& and )etroacti*e E-otional Content

FAQ # 29: Narcissistic 4ignal! 4ti-ulus and Hi,ernation Mini7

C&cles

FAQ # 30: The Narcissistic Pendulu- and the Pathological

Narcissistic 4%ace

FAQ # 31: The 3nani-ate as a 4ource of Narcissistic 4u%%l&


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FAQ # 53: M&ths a,out Narcissis-

FAQ # 54: The 4elfish ?ene


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Narcissists and Family

FAQ # 90: Ho to Co%e ith a Narcissist>

FAQ # 91: Narcissists and 5o-en

FAQ # 92: The 4%ouse6Mate6Partner of the Narcissist

FAQ # 93: 3n*esting in a Narcissist

FAQ # 94: The Dou,le )eflection


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% " R $ " R .

Hello. )ecognise -e> No> 5ell! &ou see -e all the ti-e. Gou read

-& ,oo+s! atch -e on the ,ig screen! feast on -& art! cheer at

-& ga-es! use -& in*entions! *ote -e into office! follo -e into,attle! ta+e notes at -& lectures! laugh at -& (o+es! -ar*el at -&

successes! ad-ire -& a%%earance! listen to -& stories! discuss -&

%olitics! en(o& -& -usic! e@cuse -& faults! en*& -e -& ,lessings.

No> 4till doesn9t ring a ,ell> 5ell! &ou ha*e seen -e. Of that 3 a-

%ositi*e. 3n fact! if there is one thing 3 a- a,solutel& sure of! it is

that. Gou ha*e seen -e.

Perha%s our %aths crossed -ore %ri*atel&. Perha%s 3 a- the one

ho ca-e along and ,uilt &ou u% hen &ou ere don! e-%lo&ed

&ou hen &ou ere out of a (o,! shoed the a& hen &ou ere

lost! offered confidence hen &ou ere dou,ting! -ade &ou laugh

hen &ou ere ,lue! s%ar+ed &our interest hen &ou ere ,ored!

listened to &ou and understood! sa &ou for hat &ou reall& are!

felt &our %ain and found the ansers! -ade &ou ant to ,e ali*e.

Of course &ou recognise -e. 3 a- &our ins%iration! &our role

-odel! &our sa*iour! &our leader! &our ,est friend! the one &ou

as%ire to e-ulate! the one hose fa*our -a+es &ou glo.

ut 3 can also ,e &our orst night-are. irst 3 ,uild &ou u%,ecause that9s hat &ou need. Gour s+ies are ,lue. Then! out of

the ,lue! 3 start tearing &ou don. Gou let -e do it ,ecause that9s

hat &ou are used to and &ou are du-founded. 3 as rong to

ta+e %it& on &ou. Gou reall& are inco-%etent! disres%ectful!

untrustorth&! i--oral! ignorant! ine%t! egotistical! constrained!

disgusting. Gou are a social e-,arrass-ent! an una%%reciati*e

%artner! an inadequate %arent! a disa%%oint-ent! a se@ual flo%! a

financial lia,ilit&. 3 tell &ou this to &our face. 3 -ust. 3t is -& right!

,ecause it is. 3 ,eha*e! at ho-e and aa&! an& a& 3 ant to! ithtotal disregard for con*entions! -ores! or the feelings of others. 3t

is -& right! ,ecause it is.


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3 lie to &our face! ithout a titch or a titter! and there is

a,solutel& nothing &ou can do a,out it. 3n fact! -& lies are not lies

at all. The& are the truth! -& truth. And &ou ,elie*e the-!

,ecause &ou do! ,ecause the& do not sound or feel li+e lies!

,ecause to do otherise ould -a+e &ou question &our on

sanit&! hich &ou ha*e a tendenc& to do an&a&! ,ecause fro- the

*er& ,eginning of our relationshi% &ou %laced &our trust and ho%es

in -e! deri*ed &our energ& fro- -e! ga*e -e %oer o*er &ou.

)un to our friends. ?o. 4ee hat that ill get &ou. )idicule. 3 a-

to the- hat 3 originall& as to &ou. The& ,elie*e hat the& see

and that9s hat the& see! and the& also see the *er& -i@ed u%

%erson that &ou o,*iousl& ha*e ,eco-e. The -ore &ou %lead for

understanding! the -ore con*inced the& ill ,e that &ou are

cra&! the -ore isolated &ou ill feel! and the harder &ou ill tr&to -a+e things right again! ,& acce%ting -& criticis-s and ,&

stri*ing to i-%ro*e &ourself. Could it ,e that &ou ere rong

a,out -e in the ,eginning> 4o rong as that> Not an eas& %ill to

sallo! is it> Ho do &ou thin+ our friends ill react if &ou tr& to

cra- it don their throats> After all! it reall& is &ou ho ha*e

tharted -& %rogress! tainted -& re%utation! thron -e off

course. There is an esca%e fro- the frustrations &ou cause -e

and! fortunatel&! -& re%utation %ro*ides enough insulation fro-

the outside orld so 3 can indulge in this esca%e ith i-%unit&.5hat esca%e> Those eru%tions of anger &ou dread and fear! -&

rages. Ah! it feels so good to rage. 3t is the e@%ression of and the

confir-ation of -& %oer o*er &ou. '&ing feels good too! for the

sa-e reason! ,ut nothing co-%ares to the %leasure of e@%loding

for no -aterial reason and *enting -& anger li+e a lunatic! all the

ti-e a s%ectator at -& on sho and seeing &our hel%lessness!

%ain! fear! frustration! and de%endence. ?o ahead. Tell our

friends a,out it. 4ee if the& can i-agine it! let alone ,elie*e it.

The -ore outrageous &our account of hat ha%%ened! the -ore

con*inced the& ill ,e that the cra& one is &ou. And don9t e@%ect

-uch -ore fro- &our thera%ist either. 4urel& it is easier to li*e -&

lie and see here that ta+es &ou. Gou -ight e*en acquire so-e of

the ,eha*iour &ou find so o,(ectiona,le in -e.

ut &ou +no hat> This -a& co-e as a sur%rise! ,ut 3 can also

,e -& on orst night-are. 3 can and 3 a-. Gou see! at heart -&

life is nothing -ore than illusion7clad confusion. 3 ha*e no idea

h& 3 do hat 3 do! nor do 3 care to find out. 3n fact! the -erenotion of as+ing the question is so re%ulsi*e to -e that 3 e-%lo&

all of -& resources to re%el it.


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3 reconstruct facts! fa,ricate illusions! act the- out! and thus

create -& on realit&. 3t is a %recarious state of e@istence indeed!

so 3 a- careful to include enough de-onstra,le truth in -&

illusions to ensure their credi,ilit&. And 3 a- fore*er testing that

credi,ilit& against the reactions of others. ortunatel& -& real

attri,utes and acco-%lish-ents are in sufficient a,undance to

fuel -& illusions see-ingl& fore*er. And -odern societ&!

,lessed6cursed -odern societ&! *alues -ost hat 3 do ,est and

thus ser*es as -& acco-%lice. E*en 3 get lost in -& on illusions!

se%t aa& ,& their -agic.

4o! not to orr& if &ou still do not recognise -e. 3 don9t

recognise -e either. 3n fact! 3 regard -&self as li+e e*er&one else!

onl& %erha%s a little ,etter. Put another a&! 3 end u% thin+ing

that e*er&one else is li+e -e! onl& not quite as good. After all!that9s hat the uni*erse is telling -e.

Ah! there9s the ru,. THE uni*erse or MG uni*erse> As long as the

-agic of -& illusions or+s on -e too! the distinction is

i--aterial. Hence -& need for a fan clu,. And 3 a- constantl&

ta+ing fan clu, in*entor&! testing the lo&alt& of %resent -e-,ers

ith challenges of a,use! riting off defectors ith total

indifference! and scouting the landsca%e for ne recruits. Do &ou

see -& dile--a> 3 use %eo%le ho are de%endent on -e to +ee%

-& illusions ali*e. 3n actualit& it is 3 ho a- de%endent on the-.E*en the rage! that orgas-ic release of %ain and anger! doesn9t

or+ ithout an audience. On so-e le*el 3 a- aare of -&

illusions! ,ut to ad-it that ould s%oil the -agic. And that 3

couldn9t ,ear. 4o 3 %roclai- that hat 3 do is of no consequence

and no different fro- hat others do! and thus 3 create an illusion

a,out -& creating illusions. 4o! no! 3 don9t recognise -e an& ,etter

than &ou do. 3 ouldn9t dare. 3 need the -agic. or the sa-e

reason 3 also fail to recognise others ho ,eha*e as 3 do. 3n fact!

the& so-eti-es recruit -e into their fan clu,s. As long as e feed

off of each other! ho9s the orse for ear> 3t onl& confir-s -&

illusion a,out -& illusions: that 3 a- no different fro- -ost other

%eo%le! (ust a ,it ,etter.

ut 3 AM different and e ,oth +no it. Therein lies the root of

-& hostilit&. 3 tear &ou don ,ecause in realit& 3 a- en*ious of &ou

ECA;4E 3 a- different. At that haunting le*el here 3 see -&

illusions for hat the& are! the illusion that &ou too create

illusions colla%ses! lea*ing -e in a state of des%air! confusion!%anic! isolation! and en*&. Gou! and others! accuse -e of all sorts

of horri,le things.


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3 a- totall& ,affled! clueless. 3 ha*e done nothing rong. The

in(ustice is too -uch. 3t onl& -a+es the confusion orse. Or is this

too -erel& another illusion>

Ho -an& others li+e -e are there> More than &ou -ight thin+!

and our nu-,ers are increasing. Ta+e tent& %eo%le off the street

and &ou ill find one hose -ind tic+s so -uch li+e -ine that &ou

could consider us clones. 3-%ossi,le! &ou sa&. 3t is si-%l& not

%ossi,le for that -an& %eo%le / highl& acco-%lished! res%ected!

and *isi,le %eo%le / to ,e out there re%lacing realit& ith illusions!

each in the sa-e a& and for reasons the& +no not h&. 3t is

si-%l& not %ossi,le for so -an& ro,ots of ha*oc and chaos! as 3

descri,e the-! to function dail& -idst other educated! intelligent!

and e@%erienced indi*iduals! and %ass for nor-al. 3t is si-%l& not

%ossi,le for such an a,erration of hu-an cognition and ,eha*iourto infiltrate and infect the %o%ulation in such nu-,ers! *irtuall&

undetected ,& the radar of -ental health %rofessionals. 3t is

si-%l& not %ossi,le for so -uch *isi,le %ositi*e to contain so -uch

concealed negati*e. 3t is si-%l& not %ossi,le.

ut it is. That is the enlighten-ent of Narcissis- )e*isited ,&

4a- 8a+nin. 4a- is hi-self one such clone. 5hat distinguishes hi-

is his uncharacteristic courage to confront! and his uncann&

understanding of! that hich -a+es us tic+! hi-self included. Not

onl& does 4a- dare as+ and then anser the question e clonesa*oid li+e the %lague! he does so ith relentless! laser7li+e

%recision. )ead his ,oo+. Ta+e &our seat at the dou,le7headed

-icrosco%e and let 4a- guide &ou through the dissection. 'i+e a

,rain surgeon o%erating on hi-self! 4a- e@%lores and e@%oses the

alien a-ong us! ho%ing ,e&ond ho%e for a res%ecta,le tu-our ,ut

finding instead each and e*er& cell tea-ing ith the sa-e

resistant *irus. The o%eration is long and tedious! and at ti-es

frightening and hard to ,elie*e. )ead on. The %arts e@%osed are as

the& are! des%ite hat -a& see- h&%er,olic or far7fetched. Their

*alidit& -ight not hit ho-e until later! hen cou%led ith

-e-ories of %ast e*ents and e@%eriences.


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3 a-! as 3 said! -& on orst night-are. True! the orld is

re%lete ith -& contri,utions! and 3 a- lots of fun to ,e around.

And true! -ost contri,utions li+e -ine are not the result of

trou,led souls. ut -an& -ore than &ou -ight ant to ,elie*e

are. And if ,& chance &ou get caught in -& 5e,! 3 can -a+e &our

life a li*ing hell. ut re-e-,er this. 3 a- in that 5e, too. The

difference ,eteen &ou and -e is that &ou can get out.

7en +eil,r'nn .

Seattle as*ington ;S

)eturn


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I N # R " . ; ! # I " N

#*e +a,it'al Identit

Warning and Disclaimer

The contents of ths !oo" are not eant to s$!stt$te for professona%

he%p an& co$nse%%n'( The rea&ers are &sco$ra'e& fro $sn' t for

&a'nostc or therape$tc en&s( The &a'noss an& treatent of the

)arcssstc *ersona%t+ ,sor&er can on%+ !e &one !+ professona%s

specfca%%+ trane& an& -$a%fe& to &o so . /hch the a$thor s not( The

a$thor s )T a enta% hea%th professona% tho$'h he s certfe& n

enta% ea%th Co$nse%%n' Techn-$es(

3n a fa-ous e@%eri-ent! students ere as+ed to ta+e a le-on

ho-e and to gro used to it. Three da&s later! the& ere a,le to

single out their le-on fro- a %ile of rather si-ilar ones. The&

see-ed to ha*e ,onded. 3s this the true -eaning of lo*e! ,onding!

cou%ling> Do e si-%l& get used to other hu-an ,eings! %ets! or

o,(ects>

Ha,it for-ing in hu-ans is refle@i*e. 5e change oursel*es and

our en*iron-ent in order to attain -a@i-u- co-fort and ell7

,eing. 3t is the effort that goes into these ada%ti*e %rocesses that

for-s a ha,it. Ha,its are intended to %re*ent us fro- constant

e@%eri-entation and ris+ ta+ing. The greater our ell7,eing! the

,etter e function and the longer e sur*i*e.

Actuall&! hen e get used to so-ething or to so-eone / e

reall& get used to oursel*es. 3n our ha,its e see our histor&! all

the ti-e and effort in*ested. Ha,its are enca%sulated *ersions of

our acts! intentions! e-otions and reactions. The& are -irrorsreflecting ,ac+ that %art in us that for-ed the ha,it.


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Hence! the feeling of co-fort: e reall& feel co-forta,le ith

our on sel*es hen e feel co-forta,le ith our ha,its.

ecause of this! e tend to confuse ha,its ith identit&. 5hen

as+ed 5HO the& are! -ost %eo%le resort to descri,ing their ha,its.

The& relate to us their or+! their lo*ed ones! their %ets! their

ho,,ies! or their -aterial %ossessions. Get! all of these do not

constitute an identit&. Their re-o*al does not change one9s

identit&. The& are ha,its and the& -a+e the res%ondent

co-forta,le and rela@ed. ut the& are not %art of his identit& in

the truest! dee%est sense.

4till! it is this si-%le -echanis- of dece%tion that ,inds %eo%le

together. A -other feels that her offs%ring are %art of her identit&

,ecause she is so used to the- that her ell7,eing de%ends on

their e@istence and a*aila,ilit&. Thus! an& threat to her children isinter%reted ,& a -other as a threat to her %erson. Her reaction is!

therefore! strong and enduring and can ,e recurrentl& elicited.

The truth! of course! is that children A)E a %art of their

-other9s identit& in a su%erficial -anner. )e-o*ing the- ould

-a+e her a different %erson! ,ut onl& in the shallo!

%heno-enological sense of the ord. Her dee%7set! true identit& is

unli+el& to change as a result.

ut hat is this +ernel of identit& that 3 a- referring to> This

i--uta,le entit& hich is the definition of ho e are and hate are and hich! ostensi,l&! is not influenced ,& the death of our

lo*ed ones> 5hat is so strong as to resist the ,rea+ing of ha,its

that die7hard>

3t is our %ersonalit&. This elusi*e! loosel& interconnected!

interacting! %attern of reactions to our changing en*iron-ent.

'i+e the -ind! it is difficult to define or to ca%ture. 'i+e the soul!

-an& ,elie*e that it does not e@ist! that it is a fictitious

con*ention. Get! e +no that e do ha*e a %ersonalit&. 5e feel

it! e e@%erience it. 3t so-eti-es encourages us to do things / or

%re*ents us fro- doing the-. 3t can ,e su%%le or rigid! ,enign or

-alignant! o%en or closed. 3ts %oer lies in its looseness. 3t is a,le

to co-,ine! reco-,ine and %er-utate in hundreds of

unforeseea,le a&s. 3t -eta-or%hoses and the constanc& of its

rate and +ind of change is hat gi*es us a sense of identit&.

Actuall&! hen the %ersonalit& is rigid to the %oint of ,eing

una,le to change in reaction to changing circu-stances / e sa&

that it is disordered. A %ersonalit& disorder is the ulti-ate-isidentification.


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The indi*idual -ista+es his ha,its for his identit&. He identifies

hi-self ith his en*iron-ent! ta+ing ,eha*ioural! e-otional! and

cogniti*e cues e@clusi*el& fro- it. His inner orld is! so to s%ea+!

*acated! inha,ited! as it ere! ,& the a%%arition of his True 4elf.

4uch a %erson is inca%a,le of lo*ing and of li*ing. The

%ersonalit& disordered sees no distinction ,eteen his self and his

ha,its. He 34 his ha,its and! therefore! ,& definition! can onl&

rarel& and ith an incredi,le a-ount of e@ertion! change the-.

And! in the long7ter-! he is inca%a,le of li*ing ,ecause life is a

struggle TO5A)D4! a stri*ing! a dri*e AT so-ething. 3n other

ords: life is change. He ho cannot change is not reall& ali*e.

Malignant 4elf7'o*e / Narcissis- )e*isited as ritten under

e@tre-e conditions of duress. 3t as co-%osed in (ail as 3 as

tr&ing to understand hat had hit -e. M& nine &ears old -arriagedissol*ed! -& finances ere in a shoc+ing condition! -& fa-il&

estranged! -& re%utation ruined! -& %ersonal freedo- se*erel&

curtailed. 4lol&! the realisation that it as all -& fault! that 3

as sic+ and needed hel% %enetrated the decades old defences

that 3 erected around -e. This ,oo+ is the docu-entation of a

road of self7disco*er&. 3t as a %ainful %rocess! hich led to

nohere. 3 a- no different / and no healthier / toda& than 3 as

hen 3 rote this ,oo+. M& disorder is here to sta&! the %rognosis

is %oor and alar-ing.The narcissist is an actor in a -onodra-a! &et forced to re-ain

,ehind the scenes. The scenes ta+e centre stage! instead. The

narcissist does not cater at all to his on needs. Contrar& to his

re%utation! the narcissist does not lo*e hi-self in an& true sense

of this loaded ord.

He feeds off other %eo%le! ho hurl ,ac+ at hi- an i-age that

he %ro(ects to the-. This is their sole function in his orld: to

reflect! to ad-ire! to a%%laud! to detest / in a ord! to assure hi-

that he e@ists.

Otherise! the& ha*e no right to ta@ his ti-e! energ&! or

e-otions / so he feels.

To ,orro reud9s trilateral -odel! the narcissist9s Ego is ea+!

disorganised and lac+s clear ,oundaries. Man& of the Ego functions

are %ro(ected. The 4u%erego is sadistic and %unishing. The 3d is

unrestrained.

Pri-ar& O,(ects in the narcissist9s childhood ere ,adl&

idealised and internalised.His o,(ect relations are distraught and destro&ed.


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The first cha%ters offer a detailed! first hand account of hat it

is li+e to ha*e a Narcissistic Personalit& Disorder


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Malignant


The Narcissistic Personality Disorder


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Prin sing?

A %attern of traits and ,eha*iours hich signif& infatuation and

o,session ith one9s self to the e@clusion of all others and theegotistic and ruthless %ursuit of one9s gratification! do-inance and

a-,ition.

Narcissis- is na-ed after the ancient ?ree+ -&th of Narcissus! a

handso-e ?ree+ &outh ho re(ected the des%erate ad*ances of

the n&-%h Echo. 3n %unish-ent of his cruelt&! he as doo-ed to

fall in lo*e ith his on reflection in a %ool of ater. ;na,le to

consu--ate his autoerotic lo*e! he %ined aa& and changed into

the floer that ,ears his na-e to this *er& da&.

*at is NP. >Nar(issisti( Personalit .isorder?@

The A-erican Ps&chiatric Association! ,ased in 5ashington D.C.!

;4A! %u,lishes the Diagnostic and 4tatistical Manual of Mental

Disorders! fourth edition! Te@t )e*ision


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The D4M defines NPD as an a%%perase pattern of 'ran&ost+

n fantas+ or !ehao$r nee& for a&raton or a&$%aton an&

%ac" of epath+ $s$a%%+ !e'nnn' !+ ear%+ a&$%thoo& an&

present n aro$s contets(

The 3CD regards NPD as a persona%t+ &sor&er that fts none of

the specfc r$!rcs. 3t relegates it to the categor& Other 4%ecific

Personalit& Disorders together ith the eccentric! haltlose!

i--ature! %assi*e7aggressi*e! and %s&choneurotic %ersonalit&

disorders and t&%es.

The D4M s%ecifies nine diagnostic criteria. or NPD to ,e

diagnosed! fi*e


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K The classic narcissist is self7confident! the co-%ensator&

narcissist co*ers u% in his or her haught& ,eha*iour for a dee%7

seated deficit in self7estee-! and the in*erted t&%e is a

code%endent ho caters to the e-otional needs of a classic

narcissist.

K NPD is treated ,& tal+ thera%&


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Bi,liogra*

1. Alford! C. red. Narcissis-: 4ocrates! the ran+furt 4chool and

Ps&choanal&tic Theor&. Ne Ha*en and 'ondon! Gale ;ni*ersit&

Press! 1

". De*ereu@! ?eorge. asic Pro,le-s of Ethno7Ps&chiatr&.;ni*ersit& of Chicago Press! 1#

$. air,airn! 5. ). D. An O,(ect )elations Theor& of the

Personalit&. Ne Gor+! asic oo+s! 1

. reud 4. Three Essa&s on the Theor& of 4e@ualit&


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1.Fern,erg O. orderline Conditions and Pathological Narcissis-.

Ne Gor+! 2ason Aronson! 1

1Q. Flein! Melanie. The 5ritings of Melanie Flein. )oger Mone&7

F&rle


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Malignant


Overview

#*is se(tion (ontains roAessional ter


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CHAPTE) 3

#*e So'l oA a Nar(issist

#*e State oA t*e rt

5e all lo*e oursel*es. That see-s to ,e such an instincti*el& true

state-ent that e do not ,other to e@a-ine it -ore thoroughl&.

3n our dail& li*es / in lo*e! in ,usiness! in other areas of life / e

act on this %re-ise. Get! u%on closer ins%ection! it loo+s sha+ier.

4o-e %eo%le e@%licitl& state that the& do not lo*e the-sel*es at

all. Others confine their lac+ of self7lo*e to certain traits! to their

%ersonal histor&! or to so-e of their ,eha*iour %atterns. Get

others feel content ith ho the& are and ith hat the& aredoing.

ut one grou% of %eo%le see-s distinct in its -ental constitution

/ narcissists.

According to the legend of Narcissus! this ?ree+ ,o& fell in lo*e

ith his on reflection in a %ond. 3n a a&! this a-%l& su-s u% the

nature of his na-esa+es: narcissists. The -&thological Narcissus

re(ected the ad*ances of the n&-%h Echo and as %unished ,&

Ne-esis. Consigned to %ine aa& as he fell in lo*e ith his on

reflection / e@actl& as Echo had %ined aa& for hi-. Ho a%t.Narcissists are %unished ,& echoes and reflections of their

%ro,le-atic %ersonalities u% to this *er& da&.

The& are said to ,e in lo*e ith the-sel*es.

ut this is a fallac&. Narcissus is not in lo*e ith H3M4E'. He is

in lo*e ith his )E'ECT3ON.

There is a -a(or difference ,eteen one9s True 4elf and

reflected7self.

'o*ing &our True 4elf is health&! ada%ti*e and functional.

'o*ing a reflection has to -a(or dra,ac+s:

1. One de%ends on the e@istence and a*aila,ilit& of a reflection

to %roduce the e-otion of self7lo*e.


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". The a,sence of a co-%ass! an o,(ecti*e and realistic

&ardstic+! ,& hich to (udge the authenticit& of the

reflection. 3n other ords! it is i-%ossi,le to tell hether the

reflection is true to realit& / and! if so! to hat e@tent.

The %o%ular -isconce%tion is that narcissists lo*e the-sel*es. 3n

realit&! the& direct their lo*e to other %eo%le9s i-%ressions of

the-. He ho lo*es onl& i-%ressions is inca%a,le of lo*ing

hu-ans! hi-self included.

ut the narcissist does %ossess the in7,red desire to lo*e and to

,e lo*ed. 3f he cannot lo*e hi-self / he -ust lo*e his reflection.

ut to lo*e his reflection / it -ust ,e lo*ea,le. Thus! dri*en ,& the

insatia,le urge to lo*e


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The narcissist drains hi-self of -ental energ& in this %rocess.

This is h& he has no energ& left to dedicate to others. This fact

as ell as his ina,ilit& to lo*e hu-an ,eings in their -an&

di-ensions and facets / transfor- hi- into a -ental recluse. His

soul is fortified and in the solace of this fortification he guards its

territor& (ealousl& and fiercel&. He %rotects hat he %ercei*es to

constitute his inde%endence.

5h& should %eo%le indulge the narcissist> And hat is the

e*olutionar&! sur*i*al *alue of %referring one +ind of lo*e

The narcissist9sanser is si-%le: ,ecause he is entitled to it. He feels that he

deser*es hate*er he succeeds to e@tract fro- others and -uch

-ore. Actuall&! he feels ,etra&ed! discri-inated against and

under%ri*ileged ,ecause he ,elie*es that he is not ,eing treated

fairl&! that he should get -ore than he does.

There is a discre%anc& ,eteen his infinite certaint& that his is a

s%ecial status orth& of recurrent %raise and adoration! re%lete

ith s%ecial ,enefits and %rerogati*es / and the actual state of his

affairs. To the narcissist! this status of uniqueness is ,estoedu%on hi- not ,& *irtue of his achie*e-ents! ,ut -erel& ,ecause

he e@ists. His -ere e@istence is sufficientl& unique to arrant the

+ind of treat-ent that he e@%ects to get fro- the orld. Herein

lies a %arado@! hich haunts the narcissist: he deri*es his sense of

uniqueness fro- the *er& fact that he e@ists and he deri*es his

sense of e@istence fro- his ,elief that he is unique.

Clinical data sho that there is rarel& an& realistic ,asis for

these grandiose notions of greatness and uniqueness.

4o-e narcissists are high achie*ers ith %ro*en trac+ records.

4o-e of the- are %illars of their co--unities. Mostl&! the& are

d&na-ic and successful. 4till! the& are ridiculousl& %o-%ous and

inflated %ersonalities! ,ordering on the farcical and %ro*o+ing

resent-ent.

The narcissist is forced to use other %eo%le in order to feel that

he e@ists. 3t is trough their e&es and through their ,eha*iour that

he o,tains %roof of his uniqueness and grandeur. He is a ha,itual

%eo%le7(un+ie. 5ith ti-e! he co-es to regard those around hi-as -ere instru-ents of gratification! as to7di-ensional cartoon

figures ith negligi,le lines in the scri%t of his -agnificent life.


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He ,eco-es unscru%ulous! ne*er ,othered ,& the constant use

he -a+es of his -ilieu! indifferent to the consequences of his

actions! the da-age and the %ain that he inflicts on others and

e*en the social conde-nation and sanctions that he often has to

endure.

5hen a %erson %ersists in a d&sfunctional! -alada%ti*e or %lain

useless ,eha*iour des%ite gra*e re%ercussions to hi-self and to his

surroundings / e sa& that his acts are co-%ulsi*e. The narcissist

is co-%ulsi*e in his %ursuit of Narcissistic 4u%%l&. This lin+age

,eteen narcissis- and o,sessi*e7co-%ulsi*e disorders sheds light

on the -echanis-s of the narcissistic %s&che.

The narcissist does not suffer fro- a fault& sense of causation.

He is not o,li*ious to the li+el& outco-es of his actions and to the

%rice he -a& ha*e to %a&. ut he doesn9t care.A %ersonalit& hose *er& e@istence is a deri*ati*e of its

reflection in other %eo%le9s -inds / is %erilousl& de%endent on

these %eo%le9s %erce%tions. The& are the source of its Narcissistic

4u%%l&


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the& should ,e %unished for their -is,eha*iour. A%ologies /

unless acco-%anied ,& *er,al or other hu-iliation / are not

enough. The fuel of the narcissist9s rage is s%ent -ainl& on *itriolic

*er,al send7offs directed at the


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K Dis%la&s su%ercilious i-%ertur,a,ilit&


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As children! all of us go through this %hase of dis,elief. 5e all

%ut %eo%le around us


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ithout ,eing defensi*e and that the feed,ac+ that he is getting is

o%en and un,iased. The onl& ,ias acce%ta,le


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of attention! a%%ro*al and ad-iration. He ,eco-es de%endent.

Then! at the first sign of disa%%ro*al


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co-%rehensi*e e@%lanation concerning the for-ation of

%athological narcissis- e-erges.

Fern,erg9s conce%t of 4elf is closel& related to reud9s conce%t

of Ego. The self is de%endent u%on the unconscious! hich e@erts

a constant influence on all -ental functions. Pathological

narcissis-! therefore! reflects a li,idinal in*est-ent in a

%athologicall& structured self and not in a nor-al! integrati*e

structure of the self.

The narcissist suffers ,ecause his self is de*alued or fi@ated on

aggression. All o,(ect relations of such a self are distorted: it

detaches fro- real o,(ects


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through the Oedi%al %eriod


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MalignantSelf LoveNarcissism Revisited

Frequently Asked Questions


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)EB;ENT'G A4FED B;E4T3ON "

Pat*ologi(al Nar(issis 4hould 3 ,e orried>

ns!er: The stud& of narcissis- is a centur& old and the to

scholarl& de,ates central to its conce%tion are still undecided. 3s

there such a thing as HEA'THG adult narcissis-


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s+ills! %erse*erance and goal7orientation! not to -ention the

a,ilit& to %ost%one gratification and to or+ hard to achie*e it /

are all lac+ing or -issing altogether. The child turned adult sees

no reason to in*est in his s+ills and education! con*inced that his

inherent genius should suffice. He feels entitled for -erel& ,eing!

rather than for actuall& doing


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distortions! half7truths and outlandish inter%retations of e*ents

around hi-. These solutions can ,e classified thus:

#*e .el'sional Narrative Sol'tions

The narcissist constructs a narrati*e in hich he figures as the

hero / ,rilliant! %erfect! irresisti,l& handso-e! destined for greatthings! entitled! %oerful! ealth&! the centre of attention! etc.

The ,igger the strain on this delusional charade / the greater the

ga% ,eteen fantas& and realit& / the -ore the delusion coalesces

and solidifies.

inall&! if it is sufficientl& %rotracted! it re%laces realit& and the

narcissist9s realit& test deteriorates. He ithdras his ,ridges and

-a& ,eco-e 4chiot&%al! catatonic! or schioid.

#*e Realit Reno'n(ing Sol'tionsThe narcissist renounces realit&. To his -ind! those ho

%usillani-ousl& fail to recognise his un,ound talents! innate

su%eriorit&! o*erarching ,rilliance! ,ene*olent nature!

entitle-ent! cos-icall& i-%ortant -ission! %erfection! etc. / do

not deser*e consideration. The narcissist9s natural affinit& ith the

cri-inal / his lac+ of e-%ath& and co-%assion! his deficient social

s+ills! his disregard for social las and -orals / no eru%ts and

,losso-s. He ,eco-es a full fledged antisocial


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4o-e narcissists ithdra co-%letel& fro- a orld %o%ulated

ith such -inacious and o-inous o,(ects $5losive? Sol'tion

Other narcissists ho de*elo% %ersecutor& delusions! resort to an

aggressi*e stance! a -ore *iolent resolution of their internal

conflict. The& ,eco-e *er,all&! %s&chologicall&! situationall&


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influential and for-ida,le. The& are after his unique %ossessions!

out to e@%loit his e@%ertise and s%ecial traits! or to force hi- to

a,stain and refrain fro- certain actions. The narcissist feels that

he is at the centre of intrigues and cons%iracies of colossal

-agnitudes.

Alternati*el&! the narcissist feels *icti-ised ,& -ediocre

,ureaucrats and intellectual dar*es ho consistentl& fail to

a%%reciate his outstanding / reall&! un%aralleled / talents! s+ills!

and acco-%lish-ents. eing haunted ,& his challenged inferiors

su,stantiates the narcissist9s co-%arati*e su%eriorit&. Dri*en ,&

%athological en*&! these %&g-ies collude to defraud hi-! ,adger

hi-! den& hi- his due! denigrate! isolate! and ignore hi-.

The narcissist %ro(ects onto this second class of lesser

%ersecutors his on deleterious e-otions and transfor-edaggression: hatred! rage! and seething (ealous&.

The narcissist9s %aranoid strea+ is li+eliest to eru%t hen he

lac+s Narcissistic 4u%%l&. The regulation of his la,ile sense of self7

orth is de%endent u%on e@ternal sti-uli / adoration! adulation!

affir-ation! a%%lause! notoriet&! fa-e! infa-&! and! in general!

attention of an& +ind.

5hen such attention is deficient! the narcissist co-%ensates ,&

confa,ulating. He constructs ungrounded narrati*es in hich he is

the %rotagonist and uses the- to force his hu-an en*iron-entinto co-%licit&.

Put si-%l&! he %ro*o+es %eo%le to %a& attention to hi- ,&

-is,eha*ing or ,eha*ing oddl&.

Inti


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The %aranoid narcissist ends life as an odd,all recluse / derided!

feared! and loathed in equal -easures. His %aranoia / e@acer,ated

,& re%eated re(ections and ageing / %er*ades his entire life and

di-inishes his creati*it&! ada%ta,ilit&! and functioning. The

narcissist %ersonalit&! ,uffeted ,& %aranoia! turns ossified and

,rittle. inall&! ato-ised and useless! it succu-,s and gi*es a&

to a great *oid. The narcissist is consu-ed.

Frst p$!%she& on the


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)EB;ENT'G A4FED B;E4T3ON 1

#*e ;nsta,le Nar(issist

Question:3s the narcissist characterised ,& insta,ilities in all the

i-%ortant as%ects of his life at the sa-e ti-e>ns!er: A narcissist is a %erson ho deri*es his Ego


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e@%eriences. ro- the outside! this -ight ,e %ercei*ed as

insta,ilit&. ut thin+ a,out it this a&: the narcissist is constantl&

%re%aring for life9s e@a-s and feels that he is on a %er-anent

trial. To forget -aterial studied onl& in %re%aration for an

e@a-ination or for a court a%%earance is nor-al. 4hort -e-or&

storage is a %erfectl& co--on ,eha*iour. 5hat sets the narcissist

a%art fro- others is the fact that for hi- this is a CON4TANT state

of affairs and that it affects A'' his functions! not onl& those

directl& related to learning! or to e-otions! or to e@%erience! or

to an& single di-ension of his life. Thus! the narcissist learns!

re-e-,ers and forgets not in line ith his real interests or

ho,,ies! he lo*es and hates not the real su,(ects of his e-otions

,ut one di-ensional! utilitarian! cartoons constructed ,& hi-. He

(udges! %raises and conde-ns / all fro- the narroest %ossi,le%oint of *ie: that of the %otential a-ount of Narcissistic 4u%%l&.

He as+s not hat he can do ith the orld and in it / ,ut hat can

the orld do for hi- as far as Narcissistic 4u%%l& goes. He falls in

and out of lo*e ith %eo%le! or+%laces! residences! *ocations!

ho,,ies! interests / ,ecause the& see- to ,e a,le to %ro*ide -ore

or less Narcissistic 4u%%l& and onl& ,ecause of that.

4till! narcissists ,elong to to ,road categories: the

co-%ensator& sta,ilit& and the enhancing insta,ilit& t&%es.

"# Com$ensatory Sta%ility &'Classic'( Narcissists

These narcissists isolate one or -ore


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de*astated to learn of his ife9s estrange-ent! infidelit&! or

di*orce intentions. Possessed of no e-otional de%th! ,eing

co-%letel& one trac+ -inded / he cannot fatho- the needs of

others. 3n other ords! he cannot e-%athise.

Another / e*en -ore co--on / case is the career narcissist.

This narcissist -arries! di*orces and re-arries ith di&ing

s%eed. E*er&thing in his life is in constant flu@: friends! e-otions!

(udge-ents! *alues! ,eliefs! %lace of residence! affiliations!

ho,,ies. E*er&thing! that is! e@ce%t his or+. His career is the

island of co-%ensating sta,ilit& in his *olatile e@istence. This +ind

of narcissist doggedl& %ursues it ith un-itigated a-,ition and

de*otion. He %erse*eres in one or+%lace or one (o,! %atientl&!

%ersistentl& and ,lindl& cli-,ing u% the ladder or treading the

career %ath. 3n his %ursuit of (o, fulfil-ent and achie*e-ents! thenarcissist is ruthless and unscru%ulous / and! *er& often! -ost

successful.

""# Enhancing "nsta%ility &')orderline'( Narcissist

The other +ind of narcissist enhances insta,ilit& in one as%ect or

di-ension of his life / ,& introducing insta,ilit& in others. Thus! if

such a narcissist resigns


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The narcissist feels entitled to -ore. He feels it is his right / due

to his intellectual su%eriorit& / to lead a thrilling! rearding!

+aleidosco%ic life. He feels entitled to force life itself! or! at

least! %eo%le around hi-! to &ield to his ishes and needs!

su%re-e a-ong the- the need for sti-ulating *ariet&.

This re(ection of ha,it is %art of a larger %attern of aggressi*e

entitle-ent. The narcissist feels that the *er& e@istence of a

su,li-e intellect


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%recise locus of the %atholog& de%ends on the narcissist9s sta,ilit&

or insta,ilit& in different %arts of his life.

5e are! therefore! faced ith to %athological for-s of

narcissistic lo*e.

One t&%e of narcissist lo*es others as one ould attach to

o,(ects. He lo*es his s%ouse! for instance! si-%l& ,ecause she

e@ists and is a*aila,le to %ro*ide hi- ith Narcissistic 4u%%l&. He

lo*es his children ,ecause the& are %art of his self7i-age as a

successful hus,and and father. He lo*es his friends ,ecause /

and onl& as long as / he can e@%loit the-.

4uch a narcissist reacts ith alar- and rage to an& sign of

inde%endence and autono-& in his charges. He tries to freee

e*er&one around hi- in their allocated %ositions and assigned

roles. His orld is rigid and i--o*a,le! %redicta,le and static!full& under his control. He %unishes for transgressions against this

ordained order. He thus stifles life as a d&na-ic %rocess of

co-%ro-ising and groing / rendering it instead a -ere theatre! a

ta,leau *i*ant.

The other t&%e of narcissist a,hors -onoton& and constanc&!

equating the-! in his -ind! ith death. He see+s u%hea*al!

dra-a! and change / ,ut onl& hen the& confor- to his %lans!

designs! and *ies of the orld and of hi-self. Thus! he does not

encourage groth in his nearest and dearest. & -ono%olisingtheir li*es! he! li+e the other +ind of narcissist! also reduces the-

to -ere o,(ects! %ro%s in the e@citing dra-a of his life.

This narcissist li+eise rages at an& sign of re,ellion and

disagree-ent. ut! as o%%osed to the first su,7s%ecies! he see+s to

ani-ate others ith his de-ented energ&! grandiose %lans! and

-egalo-aniacal self7%erce%tion. Anadrenaline (un+ie! his orld is

a hirlind of co-ings and goings! reunions and se%arations! lo*es

and hates! *ocations ado%ted and discarded! sche-es erected and

dis-antled! ene-ies turned friends and *ice *ersa. His ;ni*erse is

equall& a theatre! ,ut a -ore ferocious and chaotic one.

5here is lo*e in all this> 5here is the co--it-ent to the lo*ed

one9s elfare! the disci%line! the e@tension of oneself to

incor%orate the ,elo*ed! the -utual groth>

Nohere to ,e seen. The narcissist9s lo*e is hate and fear

disguised / fear of losing control and hatred of the *er& %eo%le his

%recariousl& ,alanced %ersonalit& so de%ends on. The narcissist is

egotisticall& co--itted onl& to his on ell7,eing. To hi-! theo,(ects of his lo*e are interchangea,le and inferior.

He idealises his nearest and dearest not ,ecause he is s-itten ,&

e-otion / ,ut ,ecause he needs to ca%ti*ate the- and to con*ince


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hi-self that the& are orth& 4ources of 4u%%l&! des%ite their flas

and -ediocrit&. Once he dee-s the- useless! he discards and

de*alues the- si-ilarl& cold7,loodedl&. A %redator! ala&s on the

loo+out! he de,ases the coin of lo*e as he corru%ts e*er&thing

else in hi-self and around hi-.

)eturn


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)EB;ENT'G A4FED B;E4T3ON "

"t*er Peoles Pain

Question: Do the& actuall& en(o& the taunting! the sadistic

,eha*iour! and the %unish-ent that ala&s follos>

ns!er: Most narcissists en(o& an irrational and ,rief ,urst ofrelief after ha*ing suffered e-otionall&


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ants the- to reflect his inner state. 3t is all %art of a -echanis-

called Pro(ecti*e 3dentification.

5hen the narcissist is angr&! unha%%&! disa%%ointed! in(ured! or

hurt / he feels una,le to e@%ress his e-otions sincerel& and o%enl&

since to do so ould ,e to ad-it his frailt&! his neediness! and his

ea+nesses. He de%lores his on hu-anit& / his e-otions! his

*ulnera,ilit&! his susce%ti,ilit&! his gulli,ilit&! his inadequacies!

and his failures. 4o! he -a+es use of other %eo%le to e@%ress his

%ain and his frustration! his %ent u% anger and his aggression. He

achie*es this ,& -entall& torturing other %eo%le to the %oint of

-adness! ,& dri*ing the- to *iolence! ,& reducing the- to scar

tissue in search of outlet! closure! and! so-eti-es! re*enge. He

forces %eo%le to lose their on character traits / and ado%t his

on instead. 3n reaction to his constant and ell7targeted a,use!the& ,eco-e a,usi*e! *engeful! ruthless! lac+ing e-%ath&!

o,sessed! and aggressi*e. The& -irror hi- faithfull& and thus

relie*e hi- of the need to e@%ress hi-self directl&.

Ha*ing constructed this rithing hall of hu-an -irrors! the

narcissist ithdras. The goal achie*ed! he lets go. As o%%osed to

the sadist! he is no in it! indefinitel&! for the %leasure of it. He

a,uses and trau-atises! hu-iliates and a,andons! discards and

ignores! insults and %ro*o+es / onl& for the %ur%ose of %urging his

inner de-ons. & %ossessing others! he %urifies hi-self!catharticall&! and e@orcises his de-ented self.

This acco-%lished! he acts al-ost ith re-orse. An e%isode of

e@tre-e a,use is folloed ,& an act of great care and ,&

-ellifluous a%ologies. The narcissistic %endulu- sings ,eteen

the e@tre-es of torturing others and e-%athicall& soothing the

resulting %ain. This incongruous ,eha*iour! these sudden shifts

,eteen sadis- and altruis-! a,use and lo*e! ignoring and

caring! a,andoning and clinging! *iciousness and re-orse! the

harsh and the tender / are! %erha%s! the -ost difficult to

co-%rehend and to acce%t. These sings %roduce in %eo%le

around the narcissist e-otional insecurit&! an eroded sense of self7

orth! fear! stress! and an@iet&


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)EB;ENT'G A4FED B;E4T3ON #

#o ge &it* ra(e

The peranent teptaton of %fe s to conf$se &reas /th

rea%t+( Then peranent &efeat of %fe coes /hen &reas are

s$rren&ere& to rea%t+(

Da


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allure! and geniuses -iss their touch. The longer the narcissist

li*es / the -ore a*erage he ,eco-es. The ider the gulf ,eteen

his %retensions and his acco-%lish-ents / the -ore he is the

o,(ect of derision and conte-%t.

Get! fe narcissists sa*e for rain& da&s. e ,other to stud& a

trade! or get a degree! %ursue a career! -aintain a ,usiness! +ee%

their (o,s! or raise functioning fa-ilies! nurture their friendshi%s!

or ,roaden their horions. Narcissists are %erenniall& ill7%re%ared.

Those ho succeed in their *ocation! end u% ,itterl& alone ha*ing

squandered the lo*e of s%ouse! off7s%ring! and -ates. The -ore

gregarious and fa-il&7orientated / often flun+ at or+! lea% fro-

one (o, to another! relocate erraticall&! fore*er itinerant and

%eri%atetic.

The contrast ,eteen his &outh and %ri-e and his dila%idated%resent constitutes a %er-anent narcissistic in(ur&. The narcissist

retreats dee%er into hi-self to find solace. He ithdras into the

%enu-,ral uni*erse of his grandiose fantasies. There / al-ost

%s&chotic / he sal*es his ounds and co-forts hi-self ith

tro%hies of his %ast.

A rare -inorit& of narcissists acce%t their fate ith fatalis- or

good hu-our. These %recious fe are healed -&steriousl& ,& the

dee%est offence to their -egalo-ania / old age. The& lose their

narcissis- and confront the outer orld ith the %oise andco-%osure that the& lac+ed hen the& ere ca%ti*es of their on!

distorted! narrati*e.

4uch changed narcissists de*elo% ne! -ore realistic!

e@%ectations and ho%es / co--ensurate ith their talents! s+ills!

acco-%lish-ents and education. 3ronicall&! it is in*aria,l& too

late. The& are a*oided and ignored! rendered trans%arent ,& their

chec+ered %ast. The& are %assed o*er for %ro-otion! ne*er in*ited

to %rofessional or social gatherings! cold7shouldered ,& the -edia.

The& are snu,,ed and disregarded. The& are ne*er the reci%ients

of %er+s! ,enefits! or aards. The& are ,la-ed hen not

,la-eorth& and rarel& %raised hen deser*ing. The& are ,eing

constantl& and consistentl& %unished for ho the& ere. 3t is

%oetic (ustice in -ore than one a&. The& are ,eing treated

narcissisticall& ,& their ersthile *icti-s. The& finall& are tasting

their on -edicine! the ,itter har*est of their rath and

arrogance.



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)EB;ENT'G A4FED B;E4T3ON #

#*e Inverted Nar(issist

=th contr!$tons !+ the e!ers of the )arcsss >st

#+$ !LINI!L PI!#;R$ N. .$=$L"P$N#L R""#S )

"P$NIN R$R7S

#er


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of a De%endent Personalit& Disorder / can &ou ,e safel& la,elled an

in*erted narcissist.

Introd'(tion

The D4M7387T) uses criteria to define the NPD. 3t is sufficient to

%ossess of the- to qualif& as a narcissist. Thus! theoreticall&! itis %ossi,le to ,e NPD 53THO;T ,eing grandiose. Man& researchers


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se%fconf&ence an& h'h se%festee !e'nnn' !+ ear%+

a&$%thoo& an& present n a aret+ of contets as n&cate& !+ s

or ore of the crtera !e%o/(

The !asc trat of the Copensator+ )arcssstc *ersona%t+

T+pe s a pattern of oert%+ narcssstc !ehao$rs that &ere

fro an $n&er%+n' sense of nsec$rt+ an& /ea"ness rather than

fro 'en$ne fee%n's of se%fconf&ence an& h'h se%festee(

The Com$ensatory Narcissistic Personality Ty$e:

K 4ee+s to create an illusion of su%eriorit& and to ,uild u% an

i-age of high self7orth


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K 3s self7conscious! due to a de%endence on a%%ro*al fro- others


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Co-%ensator& Narcissis-! Hein Fohut9s Narcissistic Personalit&

Disorder! and Theodore Millon9s Co-%ensator& Narcissist.

Millon! Theodore! and )oger D. Da*is. Disorders of Personalit&:

D4M738 and e&ond. "nd ed. Ne Gor+: 5ile&! 1Q. 1171".

Co-%are this to the classic t&%e:

Narcissistic Personality Ty$e

The ,asic trait of the Narcissistic Personalit& T&%e is a %attern of

grandiosit&! need for ad-iration! and lac+ of e-%ath&.

The Narcissistic Personalit& T&%e:

K )eacts to criticis- ith feelings of rage! sha-e! or

hu-iliationL

K 3s inter%ersonall& e@%loiti*e: ta+es ad*antage of others to

achie*e his on endsL

K Has a grandiose sense of self7i-%ortanceL

K elie*es that his %ro,le-s are unique and can ,e understood

onl& ,& other s%ecial %eo%leL

K 3s %reoccu%ied ith fantasies of unli-ited success! %oer!

,rilliance! ,eaut&! or ideal lo*eL

K Has a sense of entitle-ent: an unreasona,le e@%ectation of

es%eciall& fa*oura,le treat-entL

K )equires -uch attention and ad-iration of othersL

K 'ac+s e-%ath&: fails to recognise and e@%erience ho othersfeelL

K 3s %reoccu%ied ith feelings of en*&.

This is -ainl& the D4M73337) *ie. Pa& attention to the not so

su,tle changes in the D4M7387T).

IMore a,out %athological narcissis- on:

htt%:66sa-*a+.tri%od.co-6n%dglance.ht-lJ

#*e Inverted Nar(issist

3t is clear that there is! indeed! an hitherto neglected t&%e ofnarcissist. 3t is the self7effacing or intro*erted narcissist. 5e

call it the 3n*erted Narcissist


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defence -echanis- is in*erted and internalised in this unusual

for-.

These narcissists are self7effacing! sensiti*e! e-otionall& fragile!

so-eti-es sociall& %ho,ic. The& deri*e all their self7estee- and

sense of self7orth fro- the outside


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The child! in a a&! ,eco-es the trash ,in of the %arents9

inhi,itions! fears! self7loathing! self7conte-%t! %ercei*ed lac+ of

self7orth! sense of inadequac&! re(ected traits! re%ressed

e-otions! failures and e-otional reticence. Cou%led ith the

%arent9s treat-ent of the child as the %arent9s e@tension! it ser*es

to totall& inhi,it the %s&chological groth and e-otional

-aturation of the child. The child ,eco-es a reflection of the

%arent / a *essel through hich the %arent e@%eriences and

realises hi-self for ,etter


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to ,e treated ,& a narcissist narcissisticall&


66/116


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%otentials ithout a %ri-ar& narcissist to filter the %raise!

adulation or acco-%lish-ents through. The& M;4T ha*e so-eone

to ho- %raise can ,e redirected. The dissonance ,eteen the

3N9s certaint& of self7orthlessness and genuine %raise that cannot

,e deflected is li+el& to e-otionall& derail the in*erted narcissist

e*er& ti-e.

Criterion T.REE

;e%ees that he s a!so%$te%+ $n$n-$e an& $nspeca% (e(

/orth%ess an& not /orth+ of er'er /th the fantasse& &ea%

an& that no one at a%% co$%& $n&erstan& h !eca$se he s

nnate%+ $n/orth+ of !en' $n&erstoo&( The I) !ecoes er+

a'tate& the ore one tres to $n&erstan& h !eca$se that a%so

offen&s a'anst hs r'hteo$s sense of !en' proper%+ ec%$&e&

fro the h$an race(

A sense of orthlessness is t&%ical of -an& other PDs


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4o-e narcissists ,eha*e the sa-e a& ,ut onl& as a -eans to

o,tain Narcissistic 4u%%l& ac"s epath+( Is ntense%+ att$ne& to others nee&s !$t on%+ n

so far as t re%ates to hs o/n nee& to perfor the re-$re& se%f

sacrfce /hch n t$rn s necessar+ n or&er for the I) to o!tan

hs )arcssstc


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acco-%lished! a reard! a co-%li-ent! a %ro%osition! a se@ual

ad*ance=.

S5hen thin+ing a,out the %ast! hen e-otions and -e-ories

are e*o+ed


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hich in*ol*e e@%osure! co-%etition! stage fright and social

friction. The setting can *ar& fro- the li-ited


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The in*ert cannot! or is %re*ented fro- de*elo%ing full7,lon

secondar& narcissis-. The in*ert is so hea*il& %reoccu%ied in his or

her %re7school &ears in satisf&ing the narcissistic %arent! that the

traits of grandiosit& and self7lo*e! need for adoration and

Narcissistic 4u%%l& fro- ANG *ia,le source re-ain dor-ant or

re%ressed.

The in*ert si-%l& +nos that onl& the narcissistic %arent can

%ro*ide the requisite a-ount of Narcissistic 4u%%l&. The

narcissistic %arent is so controlling that an& atte-%t to garner

%raise or adulation fro- an& other source


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K e a,solutel& e-otionall& and financiall& inde%endent of the

narcissist. Ta+e hat &ou need: the e@cite-ent and

engulf-ent


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Don9t e@%ect that &ou ill cogniti*el& ,e a,le to reason ith

the narcissist to change ho the& are. Gou -a& ha*e so-e

li-ited success in getting &our narcissist to tone don on the

reall& har-ful ,eha*iours THAT AECT GO;! hich e-anate

fro- the unchangea,le 5HAT the narcissist is. This can onl&

,e acco-%lished in a *er& trusting! fran+ and o%en

relationshi%.

5e fir-l& ,elie*e that it is onl& the in*erted narcissist ho can

ha*e a reasona,l& good! long lasting relationshi% ith the

narcissist. Gou -ust ,e %re%ared to gi*e &our narcissist a 'OT of

s%ace and leea&.

Gou don9t reall& e@ist for the- as a full& realised %erson / no one

does. The& are not full& realised %eo%le so the& cannot %ossi,l&

ha*e the s+ills! no -atter ho s-art or se@&! to ,e a co-%lete%erson in the sense that -ost adults are co-%lete.

So


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narcissist -ate ould in*ol*e a so-atic narcissist and a so-atic 3N

/ or a cere,ral narcissist and a cere,ral 3N.

!oing &it* Nar(issists and Non-Nar(issists

The in*erted narcissist is a %erson ho gre u% enthralled ,& the

narcissistic %arent. This %arent engulfed and su,su-ed the child9s,eing to such an o*er7,earing e@tent that the child9s %ersonalit&

as irre*oca,l& sha%ed ,& this engulf-ent! da-aged ,e&ond ho%e

of re%air. The child as not e*en a,le to de*elo% defence

-echanis-s such as narcissis-.

The end result is an in*erted narcissistic %ersonalit&. The traits

of this %ersonalit& are %ri-aril& e*ident in relationshi% conte@ts.

The child as conditioned ,& the narcissistic %arent to onl& ,e

entitled to feel hole! useful! %roducti*e! co-%lete hen the

child aug-ented or -irrored to the %arent their on sought after

narcissistic i-age. As a result the child is sha%ed ,& this

engulf-ent and cannot feel co-%lete in an& significant adult

relationshi% unless the& are ith a narcissist.

The "n*erted Narcissist in

Relationshi$ !ith the Narcissist

The in*erted narcissist is dran to significant relationshi%s ith

other narcissists in his adulthood. These relationshi%s are usuall&

s%ousal %ri-ar& relationshi%s ,ut can also ,e friendshi%s ith

narcissists outside of the %ri-ar& lo*e relationshi%.

3n a %ri-ar& relationshi%! the in*erted narcissist atte-%ts to re7

create the %arent7child relationshi%. The in*ert thri*es on

-irroring to the narcissist his on grandiosit& and in so doing the

in*ert o,tains his O5N Narcissistic 4u%%l&


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in*ert is loth to a,andon his relationshi%s ith narcissists. The

relationshi% onl& ends hen the narcissist ithdras co-%letel&

fro- the s&-,iosis. Once the narcissist has deter-ined that the

in*ert is of no further use! and ithholds all Narcissistic 4u%%l&

fro- the in*ert! onl& then does the in*ert reluctantl& -o*e on to

another relationshi%. The in*ert is -ost li+el& to equate se@ual

inti-ac& ith engulf-ent. This can ,e easil& -isread to -ean that

the in*ert is hi-self or herself a so-atic narcissist! ,ut it ould ,e

incorrect. The in*ert can endure &ears of -ini-al se@ual contact

ith their narcissist and still ,e a,le to -aintain the self7delusion

of inti-ac& and engulf-ent. The in*ert finds a -&riad of other

a&s to -erge ith the narcissist! ,eco-ing inti-atel&! though

onl& in su%%ort roles! in*ol*ed ith the narcissist9s ,usiness!

career! or an& other acti*it& here the in*ert can feel that the&are needed ,& the narcissist and indis%ensa,le. The in*ert is an

e@%ert at doling out Narcissistic 4u%%l& and e*en goes as far as

%rocuring Pri-ar& Narcissistic 4u%%l& for their narcissist


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outside of this %ri-ar& relationshi%. The in*ert -a& ha*e a

narcissistic friend! to ho- he %a&s e@traordinar& attention!

ignoring the real needs of the non7narcissistic %artner.

Consequentl&! the onl& se-i7sta,le %ri-ar& relationshi%

,eteen the in*ert and the non7narcissist occurs here the non7

narcissist is *er& eas& going! e-otionall& secure and not needing

-uch fro- the in*ert at all ,& a& of ti-e! energ& or co--it-ent

to acti*ities requiring the in*ol*e-ent of ,oth %arties. 3n a

relationshi% ith this +ind of narcissist! the in*ert -a& ,eco-e a

or+aholic or *er& in*ol*ed in outside acti*ities that e@clude the

non7narcissist s%ouse.

3t a%%ears that the in*erted narcissist in a relationshi% ith a

non7narcissist is ,eha*iourall& indistinguisha,le fro- a true

narcissist. The onl& i-%ortant e@ce%tion is that the in*ert does notrage at his non7narcissist %artner / he instead ithdras fro- the

relationshi% e*en further. This %assi*e7aggressi*e reaction has

,een noted! though! ith narcissists as ell.

IN=$R#$. N. "#+$R #PI!L E PR#IL >N"S? NR!ISSIS#S

Inverted Nar(issists #alk a,o't #*e


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fren&s or %oersGpartners(


78/116

nee& to p$t a%% hs ne'ate se%fa'e onto e . to see n e

/hat he hate& n hse%f(


79/116

etc( An& one thn' I hate s /hen peop%e are $&'eenta% of e

a!o$t ho/ I fee% as tho$'h I can he%p t( Its %"e Jo$ sho$%&nt

!e so se%fsh +o$ sho$%& fee% happ+ for her that shes s$ccessf$%

etc( The+ &ont $n&erstan& that I /o$%& %oe to fee% those thn's

!$t I cant( I cant stop the ncre&!%e pan that ep%o&es n e

/hen these fee%n's 'et tr''ere& an& I often cant een I,E the

fee%n's( Its $st so oer/he%n'( I fee% so &aa'e& soetes(

Theres ore !$t thats the cr$ of t for e an+/a+(

1etting Com$liments

I %oe 'ettn' cop%ents an& re/ar&s an& &o not react

ne'ate%+ to the( In soe oo&s /hen + se%fhate has 'otten

tr''ere& I can soetes 'et to p%aces /here I nconso%a!%e

!eca$se I 'et st$c" n !tterness an& se%fpt+ an& so I &o$!t the

sncert+ or the re%a!%t+ of the 'oo& thn' that soeone s

sa+n' to e to tr+ to cheer e $p or /hateer( ;$t f I n a

reasona!%e oo& an& soeone offers e soethn' 'oo& I a%%

too happ+ to accept tL I &ont hae a sta"e n sta+n' sera!%e(

The Partiality o+ the Condition

I &o a'ree that ts at+pca% or nerte& narcsss not I>,E(

;$t ho/ I see t s that ts *ATIA>( The part thats there s $st

as &estr$cte as t s n the t+pca% narcssst( ;$t there are parts

ssn' fro that tota% f$%%!%o/n &sor&er . an& I see that as

hea%th+ act$a%%+( I see t as parts of +se%f that =EE)T

nfecte& !+ the patho%o'+ that are st%% ntact(

In + case I && not &ee%op the oer/eenn' E'o part of the

&sor&er(


80/116

person often e that the thn' the+re fee%n' 'oo& a!o$t snt

rea% or snt /orth/h%e or s soeho/ !a& etc( e co$%& &o ths

!eca$se the nf%ate& E'o &efence /as f$%%+ fore& an& operatn'

/th h(

=hen J patho%o'ca% en+ 'ets tr''ere& I /%% !e !%$nt%+

honest a!o$t t( I%% sa+ soethn' se%fpt+n' s$ch as: Jo$

a%/a+s 'et the 'oo& st$ff an& I 'et nothn' Jo$re so $ch

!etter than I *eop%e %"e +o$ !etter . +o$ hae 'oo& soca% s"%%s

an& I a er" an& so on( r I 'ht een 'et host%e an&

sarcastc: =e%% t $st !e nce to hae so an+ peop%e

/orshppn' +o$ snt tH I &ont tr+ to connce +se%f that the

other persons s$ccess snt rea% or /orth/h%e etc( Instea& I

tota%%+ f%oo&e& /th the pan of fee%n' $tter%+ nferor an&

/orth%ess . an& theres no /a+ for e to connce +se%f oran+one e%se other/se( I not sa+n' that the thn's I sa+ are

p%easant to hear . an& t s st%% anp$%ate of e to sa+ the

!eca$se the other persons attenton s &ra/n a/a+ fro ther o+

an& onto + pan an& host%t+( An& nstea& of &o$!tn' ther

s$ccesss /orth or rea%t+ the+ fee% '$%t+ a!o$t t or a!o$t

ta%"n' a!o$t t !eca$se t h$rts e so $ch(


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+o$ cant see ns&e( Ther !$%&n' s a fortress an& ts a%ost

poss!%e to !rn' t &o/n( + &efences arent as stron' ? /hch

a"es + %fe ore &ffc$%t n soe /a+s !eca$se I EA>>J fee%

+ pan( ;$t t a%so eans that the ho$se can !e !ro$'ht &o/n

ore eas%+ an& the $n" ns&e c%eane& o$t?

Thin3ing a%out the Past and the World

I &ont $s$a%%+ 'et ra'ef$% a!o$t the past( I fee% sort of

eotona%%+ c$toff fro the past act$a%%+( I ree!er eents

er+ c%ear%+ !$t $s$a%%+ cant ree!er the fee%n's( =hen I &o

ree!er the fee%n's + reacton s $s$a%%+ one of sa&ness an&

soetes of re%ef that I can 'et !ac" n to$ch /th + past( ;$t

not ra'e( A%% + ra'e sees to 'et &sp%ace& on the c$rrent

peop%e n + %fe(

?=hen I see soeone !en' rea%%+ soca%%+ a/"/ar& an& 'ee"+

passea''resse n&rect an& ct%"e t &oes tr''er an'er

n e !eca$se I &entf+ /th that person an& I &ont /ant to( I tr+

to p$t + ne'ate fee%n's onto the to see that person as the

er" not e . thats /hat a narcssst &oes after a%%( ;$t for e

t &oesnt cop%ete%+ /or" !eca$se I "no/ consco$s%+ /hat I

tr+n' to &o( An& $%tate%+ I not "&&n' an+one %east of a%%

+se%f(

Sel+2Pity and De$ression

ore se%fpt+ an& &epresson here . not so $ch ra'e( ne of

the thn's that tr''ers + ra'e ore than an+thn' e%se s the

na!%t+ to contro% another person the na!%t+ to &onate

the an& force + rea%t+ on the( I fee% potent h$%ate&

force& !ac" on + ept+ se%f( *art of /hat I fee%n' here s

en+: that person /ho cant !e contro%%e& c%ear%+ has a se%f an& I

&ont an& I $st hate the for t( ;$t ts a%so a po/er str$''%e . I

/ant to 'et )arcssstc


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. I can on%+ see + proecton onto that person as a h$'e threat

to e soeone /ho $st !e &eo%she&( ;$t /hen + hea&

c%ears I see that persons pan h$rt fear . an& I fee% terr!%e( I

/ant to a"e t $p to the( An& that fee%n' s tota%%+ sncere .

ts not an act( I 'en$ne%+ sorr+ for the pan Ie ca$se& the

other person(

Rage

I /o$%&nt sa+ that + ra'e coes fro represse& se%fcontept

ne s not represse& . I tota%%+ a/are of t( An& ts not

ssn' atoneent ether snce I &o atone( The ra'e coes fro

fee%n' h$%ate& fro fee%n' that the other person has

soeho/ sa&stca%%+ an& '%eef$%%+ a&e e fee% nferor that

the+re 'ettn' off on !en' s$peror that the+re oc"n' e an&

r&c$%n' e that the+ hae scorn an& contept for e an& fn&

t a%% er+ a$sn'( That . /hether rea% or a'ne& $s$a%%+

a'ne& . s /hat ca$ses + ra'e(

Pursuing Relationshi$s !ith Narcissists

There are soe er+ fe/ of $s /ho act$a%%+ see" o$t

re%atonshps /th narcsssts( =e &o ths /th the f$%% "no/%e&'e

that /e are not /ante& &espse& een( =e persst an& p$rs$e no

atter the conse-$ences no atter the cost(

I a an nerte& narcssst( It s !eca$se as a ch%& I /as

prnte&Gfate& /th a partc$%ar pattern no%n'

re%atonshps( I /as en'$%fe& so cop%ete%+ !+ + fathers

persona%t+ an& represse& so seere%+ !+ aro$s other factors n

+ ch%&hoo& that I sp%+ &&nt &ee%op a reco'nsa!%e

persona%t+( I este& p$re%+ as an etenson of + father( I /as

hs 'en$s =$n&er"n&( e 'nore& + other an& po$re& a%% hs

ener'+ an& effort nto e( I && not &ee%op f$%%!%o/n secon&ar+

narcsss? I &ee%ope& nto the perfect other ha%f of thenarcsssts o$%&n' e( I !ecae the perfect ea'er

co&epen&ent( An& ths s an prnt a pattern n + ps+che a

/a+ of not re%atn' to the /or%& of re%atonshps !+ on%+ !en'

a!%e to tr$%+ re%ate to one person + father an& then one "n&

of person . the narcssst(

e s + perfect %oer + perfect ate a ft that s so s%c"

an& sooth so coforta!%e an& effort%ess so f%%e& /th eann'

an& act$a% fee%n's . thats the other thn'( I cannot fee% on +

o/n( I a ncop%ete( I can on%+ fee% /hen I a en'$%fe& !+another frst t /as + father an& no/ . /e%% no/ t has to !e a

narcssst( )ot $st an+ narcssst ether( e $st !e ecee&n'%+


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sart 'oo& %oo"n' hae a&e-$ate repro&$cte e-$pent an&

soe "no/%e&'e on ho/ to $se t an& thats a!o$t t(

=hen I a en'$%fe& !+ soeone %"e ths I fee% cop%ete& I can

act$a%%+ FEE>( I a /ho%e a'an( I f$ncton as a s!+% an orac%e

an etenson of the narcssst( s fercest protector hs

p$re+orGproc$rer of )


84/116

sho/ t etc( . an& /e%% 'o !ac" an& forth %"e that(


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epect an+ peop%e to attept to &o ths to a"e these%es

nto ths "n& of person( I &ont thn" an+one co$%& f the+ tre&(

It s + nee& to !e en'$%fe& an& er'e& that &res e to

these re%atonshps an& /hen I 'et those nee&s et I fee% ore

nora% !etter a!o$t +se%f( I a the o$ter etenson of the

narcssst( In an+ /a+s I a a an'$ar& a p$!%c t/o/a+

/arnn' s+ste ferce%+ &efen&n' + narcssst fro har an&

ferce%+ %o+a% to h catern' to hs eer+ nee& n or&er to

protect hs fra'%e estence( These are the &+nacs of +

partc$%ar erson of en'$%fent( I &ont nee& an+one to ta"e care

of e( I nee& on%+ to !e nee&e& n ths er+ partc$%ar /a+ !+ a

narcssst /ho neta!%+ possesses the a!%t+ to en'$%f n a /a+

that nora% f$%%+ rea%se& a&$%ts cannot( It s soe/hat

para&oca% . I fee% freer an& ore n&epen&ent /th a narcssstthan /tho$t one( I achee ore n + %fe /hen I a n ths

for of re%atonshp( I tr+ har&er /or" har&er a ore

create thn" !etter of +se%f ece% n ost eer+ aspect of +

%fe(

?I 'o ahea& an& cater to h an& preten& that hs /or&s &ont

h$rt an& %ater I en'a'e n an nterna% f'ht /th +se%f for !en'

so &ane& s$!sse( Its a constant !att%e an& I cant see to

&ec&e /hch oce n + hea& I sho$%& %sten to? I fee% %"e a

foo% +et I /o$%& rather !e a foo% /th h than a %one%+ /e%%ro$n&e& /oan /tho$t h( Ie often sa& that the on%+ /a+

that /e can sta+ to'ether s !eca$se /e fee& off of each other( I

'e h eer+thn' he nee&s an& he ta"es t(


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those peop%e hae a $ch %o/er chance of recoer+ . ho/ can

the+ recoer f the+ &ont ac"no/%e&'e an+thn' s /ron'H

=hereas ts prett+ c%ear to e I hae pro!%es an& Ie spent +

%fe /or"n' on the an& tr+n' to chan'e +se%f an& hea%(

Narcissist2Non Narcissistnd Narcissist2"n*erted Narcissist Cou$les

Can a ) an& a non) eer antan a %on' %astn' arra'eH It

/o$%& see that a non) /o$%& hae too $ch se%festee to

%en& hse%f to a %fete of catern' an& pan&ern' to an )s

$nen&n' nee& for $nearne& a&oraton an& '%or+( I as a non)?

'ot tre& of these peop%e an& ther $nrettn' attepts to &ran

+ ps+che /thn a re%ate%+ short pero& of te an& a!an&one&

the as soon as I rea%se& /hat I /as &ea%n' /th to presere +

o/n sant+(

It &epen&s on the nonnarcssst rea%%+( )arcsss s a IOI,

s+stec pattern of responses( It s so a%%perase an& a%%

encopassn' that t s a *EITJ &sor&er( If the non

narcssst s co&epen&ent for nstance then the narcssst s a

perfect atch for h an& the $non /%% %ast?

Jo$ hae to pp for the narcssst nte%%ect$a%%+ an&

se$a%%+( If +o$r narcssst s soatc +o$ are $ch !etter off

%nn' $p the se partners than %ean' t to h( Inte%%ect$a%ppn' s ore are&( Jo$ can thn" of /on&erf$% thn's an&

then s$!t%+ strn' o$t the &ea n the ost &e%cate of pac"a'es

an& /atch the narcssst co'tate ther /a+ to ther !r%%ant

&scoer+ /h%st +o$ !as" n the '%o/ of ther perfecton an&

s$ccess? The pont of ths entre eercse s to ass$re J

s$pp%+ /hch s the narcssst hse%f not to p$nsh +o$rse%f !+

'n' a/a+ a 'reat &ea or a!ase +o$rse%f !eca$se of co$rse

J are not /orth+ of han' s$ch a 'reat &ea on +o$r o/n . !$t

/ho "no/s t a+ see that /a+ to the nerte& narcssst( Itrea%%+ &epen&s on ho/ se%fa/are the nerte& s(

The on%+ reecton +o$ nee& to fear s the poss!%t+ of %osn'

the narcssst an& f one s &on' eer+thn' e%se r'ht ths s er+

$n%"e%+ to happenL


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roantcse& %oefora%fete a%%Aercan re%atonshp

&rea(

I a terr!%+ t$rne& on !+ narcsssts( The ost ectn'

oents of + %fe n eer+ en$e hae !een /th narcsssts( It

s as f %n' an& %on' /th nora% peop%e s a 're+ thn' !+

coparson not f$e%%e& !+ s$ffcent a&rena%ne( I fee% %"e a

$n"e no/ that I no %on'er pert +se%f the '&&+ p%eas$re of

the


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=e hae er+ %tt%e choce n a%% of ths( =e are as acant an&

/arpe& as the narcssst( KKK s /ont to sa+ I &ont AVE a

persona%t+ &sor&er I A a persona%t+ &sor&er( It &efnes /ho

/e are an& ho/ /e /%% respon&( Jo$ /%% a%/a+s an& )>J hae

rea% fee%n's /hen +o$ are /th a narcssst( It s +o$r %oe ap t

s the pro'ran' /thn +o$r ps+che( ,oes t nee& to contro%

+o$r !ehao$rH )ot necessar%+( Nno/n' /hat +o$ are can at

%east 'e +o$ the opport$nt+ to forecast the effect of an acton

!efore +o$ ta"e t(


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nert $st !e or !ecoe eotona%%+ an& fnanca%%+

n&epen&ent f +o$ &ont &o ths he /%% eat +o$ $p an& /hen he

has fnshe& /th +o$ an& +o$ are nothn' !$t a h$s" +o$ /%% !e

epe%%e& fro hs %fe n one !' ot( It s rea%%+ portant for

+o$ to start to ta"e respons!%t+ for +o$r o/n eotona%

/e%%ness /tho$t re'ar& to ho/ he treats +o$( ee!er that

the narcssst has the eotona% at$rt+ of a t/o+ear o%&L ,ont

epect $ch n the /a+ of eotona% &epth or s$pport n +o$r

re%atonshp . he sp%+ s not capa!%e of an+thn' that

sophstcate&(

)eturn


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)EB;ENT'G A4FED B;E4T3ON

#*e SelAis* ene

#*e eneti( ;nderinnings oA Nar(issis

Or! -a&,e it is the confluence of ,oth> 3t is a co--on occurrence!

after all! that! in the sa-e fa-il&! ith the sa-e set of %arents

and an identical e-otional en*iron-ent / so-e si,lings gro to ,e

-alignant narcissists! hile others are %erfectl& nor-al. 4urel&!

this indicates a %redis%osition of so-e %eo%le to de*elo%ing

narcissis-! a %art of one9s genetic heritage.

ns!er:This *igorous de,ate -a& ,e the offshoot of o,fuscating

se-antics.

5hen e are ,orn! e are not -uch -ore than the su- of our

genes and their -anifestations. Our ,rain / a %h&sical o,(ect / is

the residence of -ental health and its disorders. Mental illness

cannot ,e e@%lained ithout resorting to the ,od& and! es%eciall&!

to the ,rain. And our ,rain cannot ,e conte-%lated ithout

considering our genes. Thus! an& e@%lanation of our -ental lifethat lea*es out our hereditar& -a+eu% and our neuro%h&siolog& is

lac+ing. 4uch lac+ing theories are nothing ,ut literar& narrati*es.

Ps&choanal&sis! for instance! is often accused of ,eing di*orced

fro- cor%oreal realit&.

Our genetic ,aggage -a+es us rese-,le a %ersonal co-%uter.

5e are an all7%ur%ose! uni*ersal! -achine. 4u,(ect to the right

%rogra--ing


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do one! and onl& one! thing. 3t has a single %ur%ose and a unitar&

function. 5e! hu-ans! are -ore li+e co-%uters than li+e

tele*ision sets.

True! single genes rarel& account for an& ,eha*iour or trait. An

arra& of coordinated genes is required to e@%lain e*en the

-inutest hu-an %heno-enon. Disco*eries of a ga-,ling gene

here and an aggression gene there are derided ,& the -ore

serious and less %u,licit&7%rone scholars. Get! it ould see- that

e*en co-%le@ ,eha*iours such as ris+ ta+ing! rec+less dri*ing! and

co-%ulsi*e sho%%ing ha*e genetic under%innings.

5hat a,out the Narcissistic Personalit& Disorder>

3t ould see- reasona,le to assu-e / though! at this stage!

there is not a shred of %roof / that the narcissist is ,orn ith a

%ro%ensit& to de*elo% narcissistic defences. These are triggered ,&a,use or trau-a during the for-ati*e &ears in infanc& or during

earl& adolescence Isee AB J. & a,use 3 a- referring to a

s%ectru- of ,eha*iours hich o,(ectifies the child and treats it as

an e@tension of the caregi*er


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an& there s no s$ch thn' as an nfnte set of the r$%es of

nat$re on%+ an as+ptotc approaton of t( The &stncton

!et/een the patent an& the o$ts&e /or%& s s$perf%$o$s an&

/ron'( The patent A), hs enronent are )E an& the sae(

,sease s a pert$r!aton n the operaton an& ana'eent of the

cop%e ecos+ste "no/n as patent/or%&( $ans a!sor! ther

enronent an& fee& t n e-$a% eas$res( Ths on'on'

nteracton I< the patent( =e cannot est /tho$t the nta"e of

/ater ar s$a% st$% an& foo&( $r enronent s &efne& !+

o$r actons an& o$tp$t ph+sca% an& enta%(

Th$s one $st -$eston the c%assca% &fferentaton !et/een

nterna% an& eterna%(


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!o&+ an& the n& A>=AJ< f$ncton( The+ a&apt these%es to

ther enronent an& f the %atter chan'es . the+ chan'e(

*ersona%t+ &sor&ers are the !est poss!%e responses to a!$se(

Cancer a+ !e the !est poss!%e response to carcno'ens( A'n'

an& &eath are &efnte%+ the !est poss!%e response to oer

pop$%aton( *erhaps the pont of e/ of the sn'%e patent s

ncoens$rate /th the pont of e/ of hs speces . !$t ths

sho$%& not sere to o!sc$re the ss$es an& &era% ratona% &e!ate(

As a res$%t t s %o'ca% to ntro&$ce the noton of poste

a!erraton( Certan h+per or h+po f$nctonn' can +e%& poste

res$%ts an& proe to !e a&apte( The &fference !et/een poste

an& ne'ate a!erratons can neer !e o!ecte( )at$re s

ora%%+ne$tra% an& e!o&es no a%$es or preferences( It

sp%+ ests( =E h$ans ntro&$ce o$r a%$e s+stespre$&ces an& prortes nto o$r acttes scence nc%$&e&( It s

!etter to !e hea%th+ /e sa+ !eca$se /e fee% !etter /hen /e are

hea%th+( Crc$%art+ as&e . ths s the on%+ crteron that /e can

reasona!%+ ep%o+( If the patent fee%s 'oo& . t s not a &sease

een f /e a%% thn" t s( If the patent fee%s !a& e'o&+stonc

$na!%e to f$ncton . t s a &sease een /hen /e a%% thn" t

snt( )ee&%ess to sa+ that I a referrn' to that +thca%

creat$re the f$%%+ nfore& patent( If soeone s sc" an& "no/s

no !etter has neer !een hea%th+ . then hs &ecson sho$%& !erespecte& on%+ after he s 'en the chance to eperence hea%th(

A%% the attepts to ntro&$ce o!ecte +ar&stc"s of hea%th

are p%a'$e& an& ph%osophca%%+ contanate& !+ the nserton of

a%$es preferences an& prortes nto the for$%a . or !+

s$!ectn' the for$%a to the a%to'ether( ne s$ch attept s

to &efne hea%th as an ncrease n or&er or effcenc+ of processes

as contraste& /th %%ness /hch s a &ecrease n or&er Pncrease

of entrop+ an& n the effcenc+ of processes( =h%e !en'

fact$a%%+ &sp$ta!%e ths &+a& a%so s$ffers fro a seres of

p%ct a%$e$&'eents( For nstance /h+ sho$%& /e prefer

%fe oer &eathH r&er to entrop+H Effcenc+ to neffcenc+H



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)EB;ENT'G A4FED B;E4T3ON Q

#*e eaon oA Lang'age

Question: M& ife as diagnosed as a narcissist. 4he tistse*er&thing and turns it against -e. 4he distorts e*er&thing 3 e*er

said! ignores the conte@t! and e*en in*ent her on endings. 3t is

i-%ossi,le to ha*e a -eaningful con*ersation ith her ,ecause she

on9t co--it to an&thing she sa&s.

ns!er: 3n the narcissist9s surrealistic orld! e*en language is

%athologised. 3t -utates into a ea%on of self7defence! a *er,al

fortification! a -ediu- ithout a -essage! re%lacing ords ith

du%licitous and a-,iguous *oca,les.

Narcissists


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s%read throughout! strangling ith a,sent -inded %ersistence the

a,ilit& to understand! to feel! to agree! to disagree and to de,ate!

to %resent argu-ents! to co-%are notes! to learn and to teach.

Narcissists! therefore! ne*er tal+ to others / rather! the& tal+ at

others! or lecture the-. The& e@change su,te@ts! ca-ouflage7

ra%%ed ,& ela,orate! florid! te@ts. The& read ,eteen the lines!

s%aning a -ultitude of %ri*ate languages! %re(udices!

su%erstitions! cons%irac& theories! ru-ours! %ho,ias and h&sterias.

Theirs is a soli%sistic orld / here co--unication is %er-itted

onl& ith oneself and the ai- of language is to thro others off

the scent or to o,tain Narcissistic 4u%%l&.

This has %rofound i-%lications. Co--unication through

unequi*ocal! una-,iguous! infor-ation7rich s&-,ol s&ste-s is

such an integral and crucial %art of our orld / that its a,sence isnot %ostulated e*en in the re-otest gala@ies hich grace the s+ies

of science fiction. 3n this sense! narcissists are nothing short of

aliens. 3t is not that the& e-%lo& a different language! a code to

,e deci%hered ,& a ne reud. 3t is also not the outco-e of

u%,ringing or socio7cultural ,ac+ground.

3t is the fact that language is %ut ,& narcissists to a different use

/ not to co--unicate ,ut to o,scure! not to share ,ut to a,stain!

not to learn ,ut to defend and resist! not to teach ,ut to %reser*e

e*er less tena,le -ono%olies! to disagree ithout incurring rath!to criticise ithout co--it-ent! to agree ithout a%%earing to do

so. Thus! an agree-ent ith a narcissist is a *ague e@%ression of

intent at a gi*en -o-ent / rather than the clear listing of long7

ter-! iron7cast and -utual co--it-ents.

The rules that go*ern the narcissist9s uni*erse are loo%holed

inco-%rehensi,les! o%en to an e@egesis so ide and so self7

contradictor& that it renders the- -eaningless. The

narcissist often hangs hi-self ,& his on *er,ose ?ordic +nots!

ha*ing stu-,led through a -inefield of logica

Malignant Self Love

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