MakeHimBEGForYourAttention75CommunicationSecretsFor

CaptivatingMenToGetTheLoveAndCommitmentYouDeserve

ByBruceBryanswww.BruceBryans.com

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Although the information in this bookmay be very useful, it is soldwith theunderstandingthatneithertheauthornorthepublisherisengagedinpresentingspecificpsychological,emotional,orsexualadvice.Norisanythinginthisbookintended to be a diagnosis, prescription, recommendation, or cure for anyspecific kindof psychological, emotional, or sexual problem.Eachpersonhasuniqueneedsandthisbookcannottaketheseindividualdifferencesintoaccount.

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Inthisfreeguideyou’llnotonlylearnwhattheseredflagslookliketomen,butalsohow to best avoid them in order to get the guyyouwant andKEEPhiminterested.

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TableOfContentsIntroduction

TheSecretsofDealingwithConflict

MakeHimOpenUpHisHearttoYou

HowtoTalk,BeHeard,andGetResults

UnderstandingtheMasculineMind

OnBuildingaBetterRelationship

FinalThoughts

Introduction

Awoman’sphysicalbeautymightbeenoughtocaptivateaman’sattention…butit isnotenoughtokeep it.Beautyfades…fast.Andnomatterhowgorgeousawomanmayappear toamanat first, ifherunderlyingattitudeanddispositionarenotequallyasbeautifulormoreso,shewon’tholdhisattentionforlong.Awoman’scharmcanalsobemisleading.Charmisdeceptive;itchanges,andforthemostpart it isself-serving.Thebetter theman, the lessawoman’scharmsworks on him. Therefore charm, like physical beauty, loses its potency if theverynatureofthewomanisoflessquality.

Sowhat has the power to captivate aman andKEEPhim captivated over thelongyears of a committed relationship?What power do somewomenpossessthatmakesthemsuchaprizeforhigh-qualitymen?Whatseparatesthemillionsofgorgeous,perpetuallysinglewomenfromthosewhomaynotlooklikesuper-modelsbuthavetheabilitytohypnotizethebestofmen?

Theanswer issimple:It’showawomancommunicateswithamanthatdrawshimclosetoherandKEEPShimthere.Thewayyouhandleaman’semotionswilldictatejusthowsuccessfulyouareatgettinghimtoopenhisheart.BecauselikeIsayinmybook,101ThingsYourDadNeverToldYouAboutMen,inordertogiveyoutheloveandcommitmentyoudeserve,amanhastoopenhishearttoyou.Andthekeytothosedoorsliesinhowyoucommunicatewithhim.Inshort,themore attractive your communication is to aman themore desirable beingintimatewithyou(onalllevels)isforhim.Readthatlastsentenceagain.

Thereare two typesofwomen in thisworldwhen it comes tocommunicating

withmen.TherearethosewomenwhoareEASYtocommunicatewithandthentherearethosewomenthatarearidiculouslyDIFFICULTtocommunicatewith.It’sthatsimple.Somewomenjust“getit”andthey’vematured(readthatwordagain)inthewaytheycommunicatewithmen,especiallythemantheylove.

I’vehadconversationswithwomenwithwhomIhadnoromanticinterestinandinshortorderIalsohadnootherkindof interest in themeither.Somewomenturnmenoffjustbyopeningtheirmouthsbecauseeverythingthatcomesoutofitseemscruelandevencallous.Ontheotherhand,I’vehadconversationswithwomenwithwhom,onceagain,Ihadnoromanticinterest inbut theystillhadsomethingmesmerizing about them that captivatedmy undivided attention. Ithad nothing to dowith how thesewomen looked or smelled, but it was theirinteractionswithmethatmadethebigdifference.

AssertivenessVs.AggressivenessLetmebeassimpleandstraightforwardasIcanhere.It’squitepossibletobeassertivewithamanwithouthavingtobeaggressive.Toahigh-qualityman,anassertivewomanisVERYattractivebecausesheknowswhatshewantsandiscomfortablecommunicatingherneeds inahealthywaythatdoesn’t jeopardizethe relationship. In other words, assertiveness usually equates to high self-esteem,whichissexy.

On the other hand, aggressiveness is quite unattractive. Excessive nagging,bossiness, andother forcefulwaysofcommunicating indicate that awoman ismore concerned about getting her way than reaching win-win solutions.Aggressionisn’ta“bad”thing;itjusthasitsplace.Andhigh-qualitymen,thosewhoassert theirboundaries, leadwell,andrespectothers,rarelyfallheadoverheelsinlovewithmoreaggressivetypesofwomen.

AsIstatedearlier,agoodmandoesn’twantadoormat,buthedoesn’twantanoverly demandingdevil-in-a-skirt either.When it comes to relationships,most

womenwouldadmit that theypreferamanwhoknowswhathewants,speakshismind,andassertshimselfoverasuperaggressive,self-absorbedalphamaleorapassive-aggressiveMr.Walk-All-Over-MeNiceGuy.Thesameapplies tomen, as we prefer being in a relationship with a self-confident, tender, anddignifiedwomanoverthesuperaggressive,hell-on-high-heelstypesortheMrs.I’ll-Do-Whatever-You-SayNiceGirls.Onegroupmaybea lotof fun,at first,butwaytoostressfultodealwithinalong-termrelationship,andtheothergroupiseasytohandle,but…boring.Thepointis,youcanbesoftandtenderandstillbeaforcetobereckonedwithifyourboundariesarecrossed.Youdon’thavetobeoneortheotherwhenitcomestodatingandrelatingwithmen.

WhySingle,Dating,andMarriedWomenNEEDThisBookThisbookisforwomenwhohavedifficultycommunicatingwithmen.Whetheryou’reasinglewomantryingtofindMr.Rightinaseaofmediocresuitorsoramarried woman who wants to improve the quality of her marriage, this littlebookcanhelp.Chancesare,you’vereadjustabouteverythingyoucanonhowtokeepamaninterestedinyou.Women’smagazinesoftengiveadvicelike“beyourbestself”,“focusonyou”,or“putonthatmini-skirtheloves.”Whilethesethingsdowork tokeepaman interested, they’resurface level tactics thatonlyworktemporarily.

Ifyou’veeverhadamanshutyououtorshutdownonyouduringanargument,it’s becauseyou failed to communicate respectfully. If youwant to be able tocommunicateyourneedsandwants toamanwithouthimlosinghis temperorignoringyoucompletely,youmust learnhowto talk toaman,gracefully. Ifamandoesn’t feel respectedwhenyoucommunicatewithhimit’s impossible toconnect with him on an intimate level. Andwithout that intimate connection,there’s nothing you can do to keep him captivated by you. Men give theirundividedattentiontothosewhorespectthem.

Thewomanwhoknowshowtocommunicatewithmencan influence themanshe wants without resorting to “that mini-skirt he loves.” A man craves theattentionofagracefulwomanwhoknowsexactlywhattosaytohim,whentosay it, andmost importantly,how to say it to getwhat SHEwants.Men lovebeinggracefullyinfluencedbythewomantheyadore.

So ifyou’re interested in learninghowto talk toamanso thatheopensup toyou, listens toyou,andwillinglygivesyouwhatyouwantwithoutafuss, thisbookwillhelpyoutocommunicatewithmenmoreeffectively.

What this book proposes are various tips and ideas to help you improve yourcommunication skills with your husband, boyfriend, or even a potential Mr.Right.Asyou read through thisbook,keep inmind that I’mnot trying togetwomentocommunicate likemen.No.Where’s thefun in that?Themasculinedesiresthefeminine;thereforemyjobisn’ttomakeyourwayofcommunicatingmoremasculine.Infact,theaimofthisbookisthecompleteopposite.I’mgoingto show you how the masculine mind translates incoming femalecommunication.Youcanuseyourfemininewaystoinfluencehiminapositiveway. I’m also not going to showyouhow to be a doormat.High-qualitymenwantwomenwhopresentahealthychallenge.However,thereisanartformtocommunicatingyourboundarieswiththemanyoulovewithoutsoundinglikeanaggingmother.

Asyoureadthroughthisbookmakesurethatyouhighlightanyimportantpointsthat resonate with you. Don’t treat this book like a novel by just whizzingthrough it.You’ll retainmore of these paradigm-shifting principles if you usethisbooklikeacommunicationguidetohelpyouunderstandhowmentranslatethewordsthatcomeoutofawoman’smouth(aswellasherbodylanguage)andwhattodotoensurethatyourmanrespondsthewayyouwanthimto.Andaslong as you intend to apply even just a few of these seventy-five strategies,you’llgetfarmoreoutofthisbookthanyouexpected.

Onelastthingbeforewegetstarted.

Thisbookwillgivesomewomenatonof“aha!”momentsanditwillgiveothersarudeawakening.Truthis,youmightdisagreewithsomeofwhatyoureadinthis book…at first. The reason for that is because most of this advice iscounterintuitive towhat’sconsideredtypicalbehavior.InthebooksIwriteformen,Ialwaystellguystothinkcounterintuitivelywhenitcomestodatingandrelatingwithwomenbecause results comeonlyafter theyadjust theirmaps tothe territory. Iadvise themtoactbasedonhowwomenactuallyare insteadofhowtheythinkorwishwomenwere.Thesameconceptapplieshere.

Alotofwomenareusingincorrectmapswhentryingtonavigatethetreacherousterritory of relatingwithmen.Whatwomen often think orwishwill get themresultsusuallydoesn’tsimplybecausementhinkandactverycontrary.Sowiththatsaid,Iwantustopromiseeachothersomething.I’llpromisetotellyoutheugly truth about what men need and how we communicate and you mustpromise to keep an openmind and applywhat you learn in this book to yoursituation…consistently.Letyourguarddownandthinkofmeasatrustedfriendasyoureadthesepages.I’myour“maninthefield”andbelieveme,IWANTyoutogetbetterresultsasyoucommunicatewiththemeninyourlife.So,dowehaveadeal?Good.Ithinkwe’rereadytogetstarted.

Let’sbegin,shallwe?

TheSecretsofDealingwithConflict

1

Ifyoumustcriticize,doitconstructively,gracefully,andhardlyatall.

Ifyouintendoncriticizingaman,ensurethatyoudosoconstructively.Amanwithahealthyamountofself-esteemcanusuallyhandlecriticism,especiallyifhe’s in some type of leadership position.But that doesn’tmean he’s going toalwaysenjoybeingcriticizedbyhiswoman.Infact,he’llprobablyneverenjoyitforthemostpart.Constantcriticismwillputyourhusbandorboyfriendonthedefensiveandhe’lldevelop thehabitofNOTsharinghis innermost thoughts,feelings, desires, and ambitions with you. The long-term product of yourcriticismandhis“shuttingyouout”isarelationshipfilledwithresentmentandalossof emotional connection.Youcan still expressyour feelingsandgetyourneedsmetwithoutchastisingamanwithyourwords.Remember,don’ttreathimlikeachild,treathimlikeamanyourespect…YOURman.

2

Makehimacriticismsandwich.

Now the time may come when constructive criticism is a necessity. In thosetimesyoumakehimacriticismsandwich.Insteadoftellingyourmanhowmuchhe sucks, give him some praise and appreciation first, state exactly what you

thinkcouldusesomeimprovement(dothiswithgraceandtact),andthenlavishhim with more praise and appreciation. For example, if your man sucks athelping you with the dishes and you’d like for him to help out more, trysomething like this: “Honey, I love how thorough you are when you do thedishes,it’sgreathowyoupayspecialattentiontomakingsurethateverything’sspotless. It would be wonderful if you could help me with the dishes at leasttwiceaweekbecauseitmakesmefeellikeyouenjoyhelpingmeout.Ithinkwemakeagreat team,and I love itwhenyou’reso thoughtfulofme.”Now,youcanpickmyexampleapartifyouwant,butthesciencebehinditissound.Anyreasonablemanwill bemore thanhappy to acquiesce toyour request becauseyoutookthetimetoapproachhiminanattractive,non-criticalmanner.

3

Ifyouneedtohaveaseriousconversation,givehimanon-threateningheadsup.

Telling aman, “weneed to talk”might causehim toputuphisdefenseswaybeforetheconversationevenbegins.Evenifyou’reupset,there’sagoodchancehe might already know that. So try not to make him feel as if he’s in “bigtrouble”beforeaseriousconversation.I’venevermetamanwhosaysheenjoyshearing“weneedtotalk”fromhiswoman.Formen,thissortofphrasestirsupmemories of emotional freak outs, lover’s quarrels, or a simple reminder thathe’snotmakingyouhappyand thatyourmomwasprobably right abouthim.Okay,I’mexaggerating,butyougetthepicture.Menfeartheworstwhentheyhearthisphrase.

4

Don’tbringupapastfaultunlessit’sextremely

relevant.

Bringingupsomethinghedidwrongin thepast isarecipeforcommunicationdisaster.Remember,don’tcomplain,condemn,orcriticize.Bringingupolddirttohelpyou“win”theargumentwillonlymakehimfeellikecrap;eithercausinghimtoshutdownorgetonthedefensivebybringingupyourolddirtaswell.This isagameyoudon’twant toplaywithyourman ifyouvalueyoursanity(andhisemotionalwell-being).Keepitcleanandfocusonthepresent.

5

Don’tbruisehisegotomakeapoint.

Neverattackaman’sego,nomatterhowpivotalyourpointmayseem. Ifyoudesireamore favorable responseduringanargument,avoidattackinghis self-image. What I mean is, if you know he has a particular insecurity aboutsomething,don’tuseitagainsthim.Ifyoudo,hewillblindlydefendhimself(orshutyouout)regardlessifyour“point”isreasonableornot.

6

Avoidhostilefacialexpressions.

Nothingcausesamantothrowuphisdefensesfasterthanawomanwithascowlonher face.Yourbody language is extremely importantwhencommunicatingwithaman,becausenastylookswillturnhimoffbeforeheevenknowswhat’shappening.Thinkaboutit.MostmenhavehadYEARSofconditioningbecauseofgoodoldmom.Whenmomgetsupset,shescowls.Whenmomscowls,boyknowshe’s in trouble.Whenboyknowshe’s in trouble,heknowspunishmentand/orpainusuallyfollows.Boydoesnot like/wantpunishmentorpain.Don’tmakeahabitofshowingyourmanjusthowdisgusted,angry,orfrustratedyou

are with him before you even begin talking. If you do, he’ll want to avoidcommunicatingwithyoualtogetherjusttoavoid“punishment.”

7

Bereasonable.

Ladies, I thinkwe can all agree thatmen are just a bitmore reasonablewhenhaving an argument or disagreement with the opposite sex. The reason isbecausemostmenarenaturallymuchmorepragmaticinhowtheyseeconflict.It’sextremelyfrustratingasamanwhenyou’re tryingtogetyourpointacrossbut she’s just nothearingwhat you’re saying. She hears thewords that leaveyour mouth, but because women process information differently it meanssomethingelsetothem.Ifamanistryingtocommunicatewithyoutogetyoutounderstand his point of view, try to be more reasonable. In truth, there arevaryingdegreesof reasonability, and I think it’s a communicationquality thatcanbedeveloped.I’vemetunreasonablemenandunreasonablewomen,andletme tell you, communicating with all who fall into this category is nearlyimpossible. If your husband, boyfriend, or potential beau is taking his time tohelp you understand his point of view, take a step back, take note of youremotions,andensurethatthey’renothinderingyourabilitytounderstandwhathe’ssaying.Bethewomanthatcanlistentoreason.Itisararefemininequality,andthereforeHIGHLYattractivetoaman.

8

Don’texpecthimtoarguewithyouonYOURemotionallevel.

I’m often stupefied at howwomen can outthinkmen on their feet evenwhen

they’reemotionallycompromised.Whenamanisemotionallycompromisedheeithershutsdown,shutsup,or…shouts.Awomanontheotherhandcanattack,counterattack,andverballyreactwithamazingspeed.Smartmenknowthis.Andbecauseweknowthis(yes,Iconsidermyselfa“smartman”),we’renotgoingtotrytoarguewithyouonyouremotionallevel.Whenweloseourcool,wecan’tthink straight.There’s only one of twoways aman can gowhenhe loses hiscool,heeithergetsreallyangryorhegetsreallyanxious.Sojustbecausehe’snotflyingoffthehandleatyou,crying,orembracingyoupassionatelywhenyouflareupdoesnotmeanhedoesn’tcare.There’sagoodchance thathe’s reallylistening, but he either doesn’twant to sayor do something to hurt youor hehasn’ttheslightestclueofwhattodonexttobringyoubackto“normal.”Trustmeonthis.Theminuteyouloseyourtemperorstarttobreakdown(especiallyifhe’s the reason for it) he immediately begins searching hismind for the rightwordstobringyoubacktonormal.

Somemenhavenever been trained to utilize their own emotional intelligencewhenawomanexpressescertainintenseemotions.Insteadofembracingher,hemay sit there overthinking her everyword in his head trying to find the rightthingtosay.Hedoesn’tknowthatsometimes(mosttimes)it’sbettertoactthanto speak. The solution? Next time let him know that you expressing yourselfemotionallymightbeanindicationthatyouneedhimtoshowyouthathecaresin someway.Hemaynot realize that sometimesyouremotionaloutbursts arejust subconscious testsofhis resolve to see ifhe’ll always standbyyou,evenwhenyou’renotatyourbest.Ifyoudon’ttellhimwhatyouneedwhenyouneedit(andmayberemindhimeverysooftenbeforeyouloseit)hemayneverknow.Thatis,ofcourse,unlesshereadsabooklikethisone.

9

Understandhiscommunicationhabitsduringconflict.

Weallhandlerelationshipconflictsdifferently.Somepeoplehavebeenbroughtup toconfront relationship issuesboldlywhileotherswere trained to justburytheir feelings or blow up the relationship entirely. You and your man’scommunication habits for resolving conflict will determine how effective youwill be at dealing with your disagreements. If he’s a quiet, stoic thinker andyou’reaquick-to-act,emotionallivewire,you’regoingtohavesomechallenges.Ibelievethatit’shealthiertogetthingsoutintheopentoresolveyourissuesasbestaspossible,butevenIknowthatthisisn’taseasyasitsounds.

Ifyoucanfirstacceptyourman’scommunicationhabits(therealityofhowheis) you can be more understanding with him as he tries to understand you.Trying to change a man’s way of handling relationship conflicts DURING arelationshipconflict isboth impracticaland impossible.Theseareactually twoseparate issues. It’s one thing if he never remembers your anniversary (orbirthday), but it’s another thing if he completely mishandles your emotionaldiscontentment.

10

Duringanargument,don’tcreateanaudience.

Icansay thiswithconfidence thatmostmen- reasonable,qualitymen-don’tlikedrama.Nomatterhowangryorfrustratedyouget,don’tgivehimreasontoignoreorresentyoubecauseoftheaudienceyou’vecreated.Argumentsarebestreservedforprivacyorforarelationshipcounselor’soffice,notforthepublictosee.RaisingyourvoiceandthrowingyourhandsupintheairwhileflailingthemaboutlikeoneofJimHenson’sMuppetsisgoingtomakeitdifficultforhimtocommunicatewith you in a rationalmanner, especially if he has to reprimandyourbehaviorpublicly.Nomaninhisrightmindwantstohavetotreathiswifeor girlfriend like a misbehaving teenage daughter throwing a public tempertantrum.Sodon’tgivehima reason to. Icouldgoonandonabout this,but I

thinkyougetthemessage.Don’tmakeaspectacleofyourrelationshipproblemsin public. Save your arguments for the privacy of your own home, car, orwherever.

11

Disagreerespectfully.

Mendon’tmindbeingcorrectedordisagreedwithonceawomandoessowithrespectandpoliteness.Actually,letmecorrectthat.Reasonablemendon’tmindbeing corrected or disagreed with, especially when communicating with thewoman they love. The problem arises when a woman’s way of correcting ordisagreeingwithamanisdisrespectfulorrude.Whatthismeansisobservingtheway you communicate with your man to ensure that you’re not sending thewrongmessageacross.It’sthemessagebehindwhatyousaythathereallyhears.Forinstance,ifhewantstostarthisownbusinessthisyearbutyouthinkit’sastupididea,forheaven’ssake,don’ttellhimthatyouthinkit’sastupididea.Hewantsyoursupportandadmirationmore thananything,so themessagebehindwhatyousaytohimmattersthemost.

If you strugglewith this, try talking to himas if he’s your co-worker or evenboss.Youwouldn’tinsult,belittle,orignoreyourco-worker(hopefully)evenifyoudisagreewiththem.Inahealthyworkingrelationshipyou’llensurethatyouspeak your mind but in a respectful manner to effortlessly reach a win-winsolution.Remember,don’tbeanobstaclethatyourhusbandorboyfriendhastofightagainstjusttoreachasensibleresolutiontoyourconflict.It’stoughenoughthatyouhaveopposingviewsonasubject,don’tmakeitevenmoredifficultbymakingyourselfahindrancetohisreasonability.

12

Ifyouseethathe’sgettingupsetorangry…backoff.

Ifyouseethathe’sgettingupsetorangry…backoff.

Ifyouandyourhusbandorboyfriendhavegottenintoatenseargumentandyousee thathe’sbeginning toget really, reallyangry…backoff.This isespeciallythe case if you know yourman has a temper problem and doesn’t handle hisangerverywell.Insteadofpushingtheissue,givehimsometimetocooldownandcomebacktohissenses.Whenamanexternalizeshisanger, theemotionsare made manifest through action. This action is expressed when he yells atsomething, breaks something, hits something, or slams something. When aman’s emotions have been compromised (especially his patience), all reasongoes out of thewindow.Don’t be the kind ofwoman that gets a kick out ofarousing her man’s anger. Just because you know how to “push his buttons”doesn’tmeanthatyoushould.Nomanwantstosayordosomethingtoharmthewomanhe loves because of his anger.Respect his emotions and give him thetimeandspaceheneedstothinkandactwithreasonratherthananger.

13

Don’tplaytheblamegame.

As I’ve touched alreadyon an earlier point,we tend to either blameothersorourselves when we have disagreements or experience unhappiness in ourrelationship.It’sextremelyimportantthatyoudon’tgetintothehabitofplayingtheblamegamewithyourboyfriendorhusband,becausedoingsowillonlyleadtoself-pityingor resentmentofand fromtheotherperson.Mostmenare fullyawareoftheirresponsibilitiesinsocietyandtotheirsignificantothers.Theytakeitprettyhardwhentheirrelationshipfailsorwhentheirwivesorgirlfriendsareunhappy.Blaminghimforallofyourproblemswon’tsolvethem,doingsowillonly exacerbate them instead. Blaming yourself helps to perpetuate a victimmentality and cripples your ability to enact positive changes. So what’s thelessonhere?Simple,takeresponsibilityforyourownhappinessinarelationship

and refuse topass thebuckontoyourhusbandorboyfriend.He’snot there to“fill inyourmissingpieces”,he’s there tocomplementyou,notcompleteyou.AndlikeIsaid,don’tbesohardonyourself.Peoplewhojudgethemselvestooharshlytendtodothesametotheirlovedones.Rememberthat.

14

Keepyourreproofssuccinct.

Ifyoumust speakyourmindabout somethinghedoes that reallyannoysyou,insults you, or crosses a personal boundary, be quick and concise.Don’t givehimalectureanddon’ttalktohimlikeachild.Mindyourtoneandbeconcisewithhim.Forexample,ifyourboyfriend’sajokestertypeandhemakesupafunnicknameforyouthatremindsyouofsomegirlwhostoleyourfirstboyfriend,tell him that you don’t like the name and you’d be happier if he called yousomethingelse.“Baby, I reallydon’t like thatname. It remindsmeofagirl Ineverlikedinhighschool.I’dbemuchhappierifyoucalledmesomethingelse,thanks.”This is amuchbetter response than,“IHATEbeing called that.DONOT…EVER…CALLMETHATAGAIN!It’sastupidnameandyou’reanidiotifyouthinkI’llanswertothat.Whatwouldpossessyoutocallmethat?”Yes,Idramatized thatexampleforeffect,butbelieve itornot, therearewomenwhowouldrespondthisway.Don’tletthatbeyou.Whileareasonablemanprefersawomanwho’shonestwithwhatsheacceptsanddoesn’taccept, it’sevenmorepreferablewhenshecancommunicateherdislikesinatastefulandbriefmanner.Trynot togetemotionalandbelaboryourdislikeofsomethinghesaidordid,especiallyifit’safirstoffence.

15

Avoid“you”statements.

Anysortofcriticismthatstartsoffwitha“you”statementisusuallyfollowedbya comment thatmaybe perceived as an attack. Starting things offwith “you”will incite aman’s defensiveness as opposed to his empathy. If youwant hisempathy, take responsibility for how you feel. For example, instead of saying“You never take me out anywhere anymore” you should try, “I don’t feelimportanttoyouanymorebecausewedon’tgooutlikeweusedto.”Insteadof“Youalwaysignoremewhenwe’reoutwithfriends”youcouldsay,“Ifeellikeyou’re ignoring me whenever we hang out with our friends.” And instead ofsaying, “You don’t understand me” you could try, “I don’t feel like youunderstand me sometimes.” In every example you’re saying the exact samething.Thedifferenceisthatonestatementwillcauseamantobecomedefensiveandshutdown,theotherwillhelphimtoempathizewithhowyou’refeelingsothathecangettotheheartofthematter.Ifyouwantamantorespondfavorablyto how you feel, youMUST get to his heart. If he throws up defenses, he’llneverreallyunderstandwhatyou’resaying.Hemayhearyou,but itwon’tstirup his compassion; andwithout compassion his desire tochange his behaviorwillbelimited.

16

Whenyoufeeloutofcontrol–createspace.

When he says or does something that causes you to lose control emotionally,createsomedistance.Sometimesyou’rejustgoingtohavetocreatesomespacefor you to think and grab hold of your emotions so that you don’t say or dosomethingyoumightregretlateron.It’sassimpleastellinghimhowyoufeel,walkingaway,andcountinginyourheadtoahighnumberuntilyoucalmdown.For example, if he does something particularly enraging you can respectfullysay,“Honey,please.Rightnowyou’remakingmeveryupsetandIneedsometimetomyself.”Ifhe’sreasonable,heshouldbefinewiththisandthenyoucan

walkawayanddosomethingtobringyouremotionsbackdowntoequilibrium.

17

Don’texaggerateorover-generalizeyourargument.

Doyouknowthosepeoplewhoexaggerateandevenover-generalizetheirpointwhenthey’rehavingadisputewithsomeone?Don’tbeoneofthosepeople.Yes,Iunderstandthattellingyourhusbandthathe“always”ignoresyouisastrategyto get his attention and explain how you feel, but there’s a good chance he’staking that literally.Somemen take things literallywhenyou’reupsetoroveremotional.Why?Well,mostofushavebeentrainedtodosofrombirth.Whenourmothersgotupsetatusweknewthingsjustgotserious.We’dpayattentionand take her seriously, exaggerations and all. Let’s translate that to our adultlives and how we might relate with a woman. If she’s upset, things just gotserious.So,wetakeyouquiteseriously.Andwhenyousaysomethinglike,“Younevertakemeintoconsideration”or“I’malwaystheonewho…”,wetakeyouatyourwordandbelievethat’sexactlywhatyouthink.

Theproblemwithexaggerationsandover-generalizationsisthattheyareunfair,unlessthey’reabsolutelytrue.Whenamanhearssomethinglikethis,hethinksto himself,“So…I guess she doesn’t care about the time I did __________.”When you exaggerate or over-generalize something he does or doesn’t do,you’retellinghim,inessence,thatyoudon’treallynoticeorappreciatewhathedoesright.Inallhonestythough,themoretimeamanspendsinarelationshipwith a woman he’ll eventually (hopefully) realize that this is just her way ofcommunicating something that she desperately needs more of. A smart andreasonablemanwon’tholditagainstyou,andhewilllearntoreadbetweenthelines. Of course, that’s not an excuse to be abusive with it. Many of thecommunication techniques in this book can be used as better substitutes forgettingyourpointacrosswithoutalwaysresortingtodramatictactics.

18

There’sarighttimeandawrongtimeforsarcasm.

Onceagain,ifyouwanttobeheardandarriveatawin-winsolutionduringanargument with your beloved, avoid any form of communication that comesacross as disrespect. This means that you must avoid all forms of sarcasm.Granted,thisshouldbecommonsensetoanyonetryingtoresolveconflict;butduring those times when our emotions are out of control we tend to use ourwordstomocktheotherpersonbyinsultingtheirintelligence.

Whilesarcasmcanbeafunandharmlesswayofcommunicatingwhenyouwanttoplayfullyteaseyourboyfriendorhusband,likeeverythingelsethereisatimeandplaceforit.Theproblemwithsarcasmisthatusingitatthewrongtimewithyourmancouldbedisastrous.Forinstance,tellingyourman,“Onceagain,thegeniusgetsit”inaplayfulmannerduringalaid-backconversationinwhichhetakes forever to remember something is quite different from saying the exactsamewords in amore snideway during a quarrel.As another example, if hewants tomake amends and says to you,“Honey, I’m sorry…” and you replywith, “It’s about time you realized what you are”, you’re obviously notinterestedinhearinghimapologizetoyoueveragain.

During an argument few things are more irritating than having to endure awoman’s biting sarcasm.Mostmen simply aren’t quick (or stupid) enough toevenattempttohashitoutwithyouinthisway.Soifyoudidn’tknowbefore,I’ll lay it out simple and plain for you…sarcastic remarks will make itexceedinglydifficultforamantohearwhatyou’resayingandcooperate.Ifyouwant to be nasty and show him just how clever you are, go right ahead andsarcasmaway.Ontheotherhand,ifyouwanthimtolistentoyouandbemoreopen to your point of view, avoid it altogether. Remember,when it comes tosarcasmthere’salwaysarighttimeandawrongtimeforit.

19

Don’tusehiswordsagainsthimjustto“win.”

A classic technique used by political candidateswhen debating is to use theiropponent’s words against them. Trapping your opponent in his or her owncreationisamasterful tacticforwinninganargumentordiscussion,but thingswork a bit differently if you want a healthy relationship. First of all, yourboyfriendorhusbandisnotyour“opponent.”Thinkingofhimthatwayduringadiscussion will compel you to treat him accordingly. If all you’re trying toaccomplishistogetyourpointacrossandwintheargument,youbothlose.Thisisespeciallythecaseifyou’reabettercommunicatorthanheis.

Ifyouarenaturallyquickonyourfeetwhenspeaking,youmightbetemptedtooutwithimandtwisthiswordsorusethemoutofcontextjustsoyoucangettheupperhand.Afteryoutwisthiswordsandtanglehiminyourwebofconfusion,thewhole affairwill becomedistasteful tohim, andhe’ll bequite reluctant tospeakhismind in the future.Thewhole idea is toallowhim to save faceandmakemistakesasyousmoothoutthebumpsinyourcommunication.Aslongashe’s not outright lying to you about something, there’s no reason to twist hiswordsandusethemasweaponsinyourverbalarsenal.

20

Don’tusenegative,emotionallychargedlanguagelike“Ihate”or“Thisisn’tworking.”

SimilartoalaterpointImakeaboutcontrollingyourinternalself-talk,itisveryimportantthatyoutakeintoaccounttheverywordsthat leaveyourlips.Don’tbroadcasttoamanthatcommunicatingwithhimcausesyoupain.Thelastthing

yourhusbandorboyfriendwantsinthebackofhismindisthethoughtofhimbeing a major source of stress and unhappiness. Using emotionally chargedlanguagethatfocusesonthenegativetendstoreinforcenotonlyyourpersonalbeliefsaboutasituation,butthepersonalbeliefsofyourbelovedaswell.

Insteadoflosingitandcryingoutinanguishsomethinglike,“IHATEitwhenyou say things like that”, try saying something like, “I feel very hurt andmisunderstoodwhenyousaythingslikethat”oreven,“Sayingthingslikethatmakes it difficult forme to communicatewith you.” Spoken in the right tone,usingoneofthelatterphrasesmakesiteasierforhimtounderstandhowyoufeelwithout him internalizing your anguish as “his fault.”Being vocal about yournegativefeelingsmoreoftenthannotisakintoalwaysplayingthevictim.Catchyourselfintheactofplayingthevictimroleanddecidethatyouarenotgoingtosayanythingthatcommunicateshopelessnessordisaster.Optimismandpatienceare a powerful combination for getting through to those we’re trying tocommunicate with. Exercise both of them whenever you feel the need toexaggeratenegativeemotions.

21

Don’tgetdefensivewhenyou’reonthereceivingend.

Whenthesearchlightgetsturnedonyouandthemanyoulovebeginstocriticizeor question your behavior, don’t become defensive and belligerent. It’s afascinatingthingtowatchhumannaturesometimes.Observehumannatureforyourownandyou’ll arriveat somevery interestingconclusions.Forexample,have you ever realized that people who dish out the most negative criticismusually have difficulty accepting it themselves?Overly critical people tend tostruggle with some serious inner issues that cause them to project their self-dissatisfactionontoothers.Sowhentheattentionisreallyfocusedonthem,theybecomeunreasonablydefensive.

I remember watching an episode of Hell’s Kitchen hosted by British chef,GordonRamsay.Theepisodefocusedarounda restaurantownedbyamarriedcouple and letme tell you…itwas spectacular!ChefRamsay (inhisusual in-your-facestyle)asked theowners somedifficult,probingquestions inorder todowhathedoesbest…critiquethechaostodestroyandrebuildabettereatery.Theownerscouldn’thandle it...atall.Unfortunately, thewifecouldnothandlecriticism to any degree. Her husband definitely seemed to have some seriousproblemsacceptingcriticismfrombothRamsayandcustomersaswell,buthisoutburstspaledincomparisontothatofhishystericalwife.Now,I’mnotheretojudge because I have no idea what these people went through to make theirdreams a reality, but Iwill use this unfortunate event tomake a simple point:Don’tbecomehostilewhenotherscriticizeyou.

Learn to accept constructive criticism with grace and dignity. Don’t lash outeverytimeyourhusbandorboyfriendisdispleasedwithsomethingyousaidordid,especiallyifheapproachesyouinalovingmanner.Bethekindofwomanthattakescriticisminstride.Thekindofwomanwhoknowswhentotakeitintoaccountorwhentoshrugitoffas“hisproblem,notmine.”

MakeHimOpenUpHisHearttoYou

22

Don’ttrytocontroltheconversation.

Ifyou’venevermetaconversationcontroller,consideryourselflucky.Menandwomen who dominate the conversation THINK they’re fascinating, witty, orbetter communicators, but in reality, they really aren’t. No one wants to bedominated in a conversation, especially if you’re trying to communicate withyourspouseorsignificantother.Now,Iwilladmitthatsomemenjustdon’ttalkenoughandsowomenfeeltheneedtofillthedeadspacewithanendlesssupplyof words and verbal strongholds. Don’t do this. Trust me, there are bettertechniquesforgettingamantotalk.Theymaytakemoretimeandpatience(seethatwordagain)butthey’remuchmoreeffectiveoverthelong-term.Somemenare chatterboxes around their friends and even other women, but when theycommunicate with their wives or girlfriends they tend to clam right up.Sometimes theproblemisn’t theguy.If thepoorguycannevergetaword in,he’sgoingtoeventuallystoptryingaltogether.Youcanleadaconversation,butthatdoesn’tmeanyouhavetodominateit.

23

Watchhisfacialexpressionsandrecalibrate.

I’mgoingtogiveyousomeadvicethatshoulddynamicallychangethewayyou

communicatewithaman.Ready?Here it is:Paycarefulattention tohisbodylanguage,specificallyhisfacialexpressions.Onethingthatmywifehaslearnedaboutmeismyfacialexpressionsandhowtouseit tonavigateaconversation(to get her way of course). When we first started out together, being herpassionate self, shewouldn’t pay close attention to howwhat shewas sayingwasaffectingme.Ifshehitonasensitiveissueformebymistakeshewouldn’tnotice it because she’d be too caught up in her own emotions, trying to saywhat’sonhermindnomatterwhat.Asshebegantofigureoutwhatmakesmetick(andwhatturnedmeoff),she’dknowifshetouchedonasensitiveissuejustbywatchingmy body language, specificallymy facial expressions. If she didtouchonasensitiveissue,she’dknowwhetherornottotreadcarefully,droptheissue,changethesubject,orapologize.OvertimeInoticedthatherwillingnessto“notgothere”madehermuchmoreattractivetome.Andshewouldn’thavebeen able to do so if she hadn’t trained herself to take note of my facialexpressions.That’sthebeautifulthingaboutlovingyourman.Overtime,you’llfigureoutwhatmakeshimticksothatyoucancommunicatewithhiminamorecompassionateway.Thebenefittothissortofcommunicationisthathe’llnevershutyououtbecauseheknowsthatyoualwayshavehisbestinterestatheart.

24

Beanactivelistener.

Oneof themostpowerful communication techniques I’ve ever comeacross iscalledactivelistening.Ifirstheardaboutitinaphenomenalbookbybest-sellingauthor,thelateStephenCoveycalled,The7HabitsofHighlyEffectivePeople.Applied tocommunicatingwithaman, theskillofactive listening isallaboutempathizingwith yourman and getting him to realize that you do empathizewithhim. It’s themeaningbehind the slang term, “Doyou feelme?”When amanfeelsthatyouunderstandhim,hedropsallhisdefensesandcommunication

flows effortlessly.Most people communicate by “waiting to speak.” They filltheirmindwithwhat theywant to say to the other person instead of clearingtheirmindoftheirownthoughtstoleaveroomtotrulylistentowhattheotherperson is saying. The act of active listening requires you to listen attentively,thenparaphraseandreflectonwhathesayswhileacknowledginghowhefeelswithoutjudgmentoradvice.Readthatlastsentenceagain.

Here’s an exampleof this in action.Let’s sayhe comeshome fromwork andsays,“Youknow,Ireallyhatemyjob.Ifeellikeauselesscoginamachine,andit’sstartingtogettome.”Don’tsay,“Maybeyoushouldlookforanotherjob”;that’syougivingcommonsenseadvicehecouldhavegotten fromhis friends.Don’tevensaysomething like,“Well,nousecomplainingabout it. I toldyouthat moving here was a waste of time.” That’s being judgmental, and quiteannoyingtoadd.Instead,followupwithsomethinglike,“Yourjobstressesyououtandyoudon’t feel likeyou’reutilizingyour truepotential.”This responsewillgethimtoagreewithyoubecauseyouunderstandhowhefeels.He’llkeeptalkinguntil:1.Hechooses to talkaboutasolution,or2.Herealizes thathe’sjust having a bad week, etc. and feels relieved to talk about it. It’s a simpleexample, but it should get you started on the right path. I’d advise reallystudying this form of communication because it can improve EVERY area ofyourlife.

25

Tostartconversationsdon’taskhim“copout”questions.

If your guy isn’t a big talker, this little trick could get him started or at leastinterested in what you have to say. It sounds silly, but it’s based on simplepsychology.Askhimquestionshehas to thinkabout toanswer.Askinghima

“yes”or“no”questiongiveshimaneasyescape.It’sevenworseifyouaskhimaquestionabouthisemotions.Forexample,askinghim,“whatareyouthinking”willlikelygetyouthisanswer:“Nothing.”Ifyouaskhim“howdoyoufeel?”hemaylookatyouwithoneeyebrowraisedandsay,“fine.”Askinghimquestionslike thesewill ruinyourgeniusplan toget him talking.He’ll seeyou comingfromamile away.Tryaskinghim thingsabouthis interestsor abouthispast.For example, askinghim“Whydo you like theMiamiHeat somuch?”mightpiquehis interestandgethimgoinga lot faster than“Howwaswork today?”especiallyifhehateshisjob.

26

Whenhereveals,helphimheal.

Menhavefeelingsand insecurities just likewomendo.Nomatterhowstrong,confident,orstoicamanmayappear,hehashisissues,it’sjustthatsomeguysare just better at hiding and/or managing their negative emotions. As youcultivatearelationshipwithamanyouwillexperiencealotofthegood,thebad,andthedownrightugly.Chancesare,you’vealreadywitnessedalotofthegoodandyou’vemadeyourpeacewith thebad.But the relationshipmagichappenswhenyoulearnabouthis“ugly”andyoucanaccepthimasheisandevenhelphimtoheal.

Menhaveagiganticfearwhenitcomesto their innerstruggles.Wethinkthatwhen thewomanwe love finds out about them, she’ll either see us as weak,repulsive,damaged,orunworthy.Amanmayfearrevealingthedeeperpartsofhimselftoyousimplyoutoffearthatyou’lltakeadvantageofthatknowledgeinthefuture.Inshort,it’satrustissue,andamanneedstofeelthathecantrustyouwithhisallbeforeherevealshimselftoyou.Sowhat’sawomantodotogethimtoopenupovertime?Simple,whenhedoes“gothere”andrevealalittlemorethanyoumighthavebargained for,helphim toheal.Don’t judge,criticize,or

condemn him. Instead, be a source of strength and encouragement, a healingbalmtohismasculinesoul.Inthesamewayheacceptsyoujustthewayyouare,withallofyourpastandpresentinnerissues,youshoulddothesame.

Formen,the“ugly”innerstrugglesareoftentiedtoextremeemotionsofguilt,shame,andanxiety.Knowingthis,theworsethingyoucandotohimwhenheopensuptoyouistojudge,revile,orchastisehim.Doingsowillonlyenhancethesenegativeemotionsandhewillbegintoattachthosefeelingstoyou.Whenheneeds toopenupaboutsomething,youmightbe the lastpersonhegoes tobecause hemight say to himself,“I can’t tell her that. She’ll despiseme andthink I’m a loser/pervert/weakling/monster/etc. She doesn’t understand me.”Whenyourhusbandorboyfriendopensuptoyou,lovehimunconditionallyandhelphimtohealemotionally.

27

Don’tforcehimtotalkabouthisproblems.

Forheaven’ssake,ifamandoesn’twanttotalkaboutapersonalproblemhe’shaving,don’ttrytoforcehimtoopenup.Somemensimplyprefertodealwithcertain issues alone or in the company of other men. If he doesn’t want todiscussaproblemwithyouatthemomenthemayjustneedmoretimealonetomull over the issue. If this is the case, give him some space. Forcefulcommunicationdoesthecompleteoppositeinthiscase.Ifyoutrytoforcehimto“openup”,he’lljustclamupevenmoreandwhat’sworseisthatovertime,thewholeexperienceofcommunicatingwithyouwillleaveabadtasteinhismouth.

28

Acknowledgehisfeelings.

If you think men are impervious to feeling hurt, sad, lonely, misunderstood,confused, or anyother vulnerable emotion, think again.When it comes toourrelationships there’sa lotbubblingunderneath thesurface.Agreatstrategyforgetting the understanding that you want from him is to show him that youempathizewithhim.It’seasytofocusonhowyou’refeelingatthemomentandcommunicatethosefeelingstohim,butitrequiresalotmoreefforttoempathize.

Acknowledginghisfeelingshelpstokeephisdefensesloweredbecauseyou’recommunicating thatyou’reonhisside.Subconsciously,heneeds toknow thatyou’reforhimandnotagainsthim.Ifhefeelslikehisemotionsmattertoyou,he’llfeelrespectedandunconditionallyloved.Forexample,ifyoubegintohaveone of those relationship talks and you notice a change in his body language,acknowledge it.You should learnwhat signals yourman gives offwhen he’sbeginningtoputuphisdefenses.Sowhenyounoticethem,saysomethinglike,“Iknowyou’refeelingcriticizedrightnow,butI’mnottryingtoupsetyou.”Ifhe’s trying to explain something to you and you notice his frustration, saysomething like,“I knowyou’re feeling frustrated right now, and I understandhowyoufeel.”Ifyouacknowledgehisfeelingstherewon’tbeanydoubtinhismindastoyourintentions.It’smucheasiertoshowcompassionandchangeforawomanwhenshecaresaboutyouremotionalwell-being.

29

Avoidstatementsthatexposehisinsecurities.

If you decide to say to your husband or boyfriend, “You’re just like you’refather”, Ihopeyou’redoing itbecausehisoldmanwasaphenomenalguy. Ifyoutellhim,“Ishould’velistenedtomymother”,itbetterbebecauseshegaveyousomegoodadviceaboutanythingNOTrelatedtoyourman.Thesekindsofstatementsareusuallysaidintheheatofthemomentandwiththesolepurposeof hurting aman’s ego. Statements like these can tear down yourman’s self-

image because it shows him exactly how negatively you think of him.Avoidthese volcanic statements IF you’remore interested in resolving conflict thanmakinghimfeellikecrap.

Now, Iknowsomewomenmayonlyuse thesekindsof statements toshock aman into changinghis behavior.While thismaywork in some extreme cases,saying these sorts of things only causes resentment. A perfect example is astatementlike,“Youknowwhat?Forgetit.I’lljustdoitmyself.”Fromoneadultto another, a statement like this communicates that he’s not meeting yourstandardsinonewayoranotherandthatyoudon’tknowwhyyoubotheredwithhim in the first place. If you do this enough, he’ll start to doubt his ability tomakeyouhappy.Statementsliketheseareinsultingandwilleithercausehimtolosehistemperorsufferinquietresentmentifhedoesn’tspeakupaboutit.

30

Askhimquestionsorgiveindirectsuggestions.

Areallygracefulwaytohandleamanwhodespisesbeingtoldwhattodoistoaskhimquestionsorgiveindirectsuggestionsinstead.Whenyoumakeleadingsuggestions in the formofquestionsyougivehimtheopportunity to feelself-directed, in charge, and respected. If he hates being told what to do, hemaybecomefarmorecooperativebecauseyou’representinghimwithanopportunitytomakethedecisiononhisown.Forexample,insteadoftellinghim“Youknow,youshouldcallmymothertoday,it’sherbirthday.Don’tforget”trysomethinglike,“Hey honey, I know you rememberedmymother’s birthday today.Whattime did you plan on calling her?” or even,“Hey sweetie, today is mother’sbirthday. I’m going to call her.Would you like towish her a happy birthdaybeforeorafterme?”Doyouseethedifference?

Now, let’ssay thatyouneedhimtodosomethingoryou’d likeforhimtore-

consider a decision he’smade.You can always pose an indirect suggestion athim.For example, instead of“Dear, I’mpretty sureMr.Tyler is asleep.Callhimtomorrow” try,“Honey,don’tyouthinkit’salittlelatetocallMr.Tyler?Hegoestobedprettyearly,maybeweshouldtryinthemorning.”It’sasubtlechangebutitletshimmakethefinalcallanditmakesyoulooklikethecaring,supportivefirstmateofhisship.Remember,respectthecaptain’sauthorityandhe’llbemoreapttolistentowhatyouhavetosay.Yourmileageonthispointmayvarybecausesomemenaren’tassensitivetobeinggivendirectcommands.Butifyourguylikestothinkeverydecisionwasmadeinthecrucibleofhisownbrain,acommunicationtechniquelikethiswillcomeinhandy.

31

Decodehisunlovingbehaviortofeedhisdeepestneed.

Nomatterhowoffensivehiswordsorbehaviormayseem,trytodecipherwhatisithereallywantsfromyou.Actually,whenitcomestocommunication,whata man really wants from you is respect. The trick for you is to see past hisdisgusting, unloving behavior and figure out in what way he needs to berevitalizedwithrespect.Mencraverespectandadmirationthewaywomencraveloveandattention.Andinorderforhimtogiveyoutheunconditionalloveyouwanthe’sgoingtoneedyourunconditionalrespect.Yes,unconditionalrespect.Not,“Iwillrespecthimwhenhe…”or“Iwillrespecthimonlyifhe…”That’sconditional respect andmanywomen fail togetwhat theywant from themantheylovebecausetheirrespectforthatmanisconditional.

If his behavior is unlovingdon’t reinforce itwith a disrespectful response.Begracefulwithhim.Chancesarethathe’slookingforalittlerespectinsomeformorfashion.Sowhenhecommunicatesinanunlovingway(asheoftenwill),youhavethechoicetoeitherrespondrespectfullyinspiteofhisunlovingbehaviororgivehimwhathedeserves,whichisapieceofyourmind.Bygivinghimwhat

hedeserves,you’reperpetuatingthecycleofinsanityandfeedinghisstupidity.Don’t feed his stupidity. Instead, give him the unconditional respect that hedoesn’t deserve and stophismadnessbefore it spreads toyou.Rise abovehispettinesswhenitrearsitsuglyheadandrespondrespectfully.You’llbeabetterwomanforit,andassumingheseestheerrorinhisways,you’llhelphimtobeabettermanintheprocess.

HowtoTalk,BeHeard,andGetResults

32

Don’ttrytocompetewithhisdistractions.

If he’s obviously distracted by something very important to HIM (not you),don’t try tocompetewith it. Ifyou try tocompetewithhispresentdistractionyouWILLloseandyouWILLbeupsetaboutit.Ontheotherhand,ifyoutrytoforce him to focus on youwhile he’s alreadymentally engaged in somethingelse,he’llfeellikeyou’rebossinghimaround,causinghimtoshutdownortuneyou out completely. Instead, look at the situation forwhat it is andwait untilhe’s not so focused on something else so that you can have his undividedattention.Areasonablemanwillappreciateyourpatience.

If your guy is particularly stubborn, tell him that you’ll give him the time heneedsbutaskhimwhenwillhebereadyandopentotalk.Askforadefinitetimelike “after the game”, “at dinner”, or a specific time frame like “in tenminutes.”Vagueresponseslike“later”or“inashortwhile”willonlyfrustrateyouandmake iteasier forhimto lose trackof time.Respecthis timebutalsoensurethatherespectsyoursaswell.

33

Bebriefanddon’tbeataroundthebush.

As you probably already know, men tend to focus on solving problems. It’s

nature’s design to have our brains wired this way in order for us to quicklyresolveconflictandhandlesuddendangers.Ifyourmanisaspragmaticastheycome, a lack of brevity may make conversing with him extremely difficult.Being briefwill help you to get your point acrosswithout losing him. If youhaveapointtomake,pleasemakeitasquicklyasyoucan.Now,I’mnotsayingthatamanwon’tenjoyagoodstoryhereandthere,butitcangetquiteannoyingwhenyourwoman isobviously trying to tellyousomethingbutyou justcan’tfigureoutwhatshe’stryingtosay.Don’tlosehisattentionbysayingmorethanisnecessary.Keepyourcommunicationsimpleandstraighttothepoint.

34

Tellhimwhatkindofresponseyou’rehopingfor.

Ifyourguy(likemostguys)isapttoprovideyouwithfastsolutionstoproblemsevenwhenallyoureallywantedwasforhimtolisten,trytellinghimthatyou’djust likeforhimto listen.Seriously.Yes, I realize it’ssosimple that itsoundsdownright silly doesn’t it? Just tell him, in a graceful way, that you’re notlooking for answers, only his attention, and that you’d appreciate it if he justlistenedtoyouwithouttryingtofixyourlife.Smilewhenyoutellhim.

35

Endonaworthwhilepoint.

Ifyoureallywanttogetyourideaacrossandmakeitstickinhismind,endonaworthwhile point. If he says he understands, believe him. If he looks like heunderstands, leave it at that. Belaboring your pointmight provide youwith adeep sense of security in which you tell yourself, “Yeah, now I KNOW heunderstands”,butbydoingsoyouruntheriskofdoingthecompleteopposite.

Too little informationandhe’s likely tomisunderstand.Toomuch informationand the same thing might happen because he’s either: 1. Lost interest, or 2.Doesn’tknowwhatthepointofyourdiscussion/argumentwasinthefirstplace.

36

Watchyourvolume.

Oneofmybiggest turnoffswhen it comes to awomancommunicatingwith aman is volume. Most guys won’t say it, and even less will voice theirdissatisfaction, but I’m here to tell you the truth. Shouting, screaming, andyelling togetyourpointacrosswillnotmakehimthinkyou’reangry,serious,and desperate to be heard. You won’t get the response you’re looking for(assuming you’re looking for a loving response) because chances are he’sfeelingdisrespectedand/oraccused. Inasocial setting, shoutingandyellingatyour man will make him feel even worse, especially if he’s not the type toconfrontyououtrightinpublic.

Gentlenessandpatienceiskeywhencommunicatingwithaman.Thisisthewaythatahigh-qualitywomancommunicateswithherman,andsheshouldexpectthesamesortofrespectandcivilityfromhimaswell.Ifyourmanhasapersonaldistaste for loudness, respect his personal boundaries and bemindful of yourvolume.BelievemewhenIsaythatharshtonesandabrasivelanguagewillmakesome men tune you out faster than you can shout “I HATE IT WHEN YOUDON’TLISTENTOME!”

37

Whendiscussingyourfeelings,remindhimthatit’snothisfault.

Ifhe seemsdisheartenedandbegins shuttingdownasyou try to tell himhowyoufeel,remindhimthatit’snothisfaultandthatyou’renotblaminghim.Takeownershipofyour insecurities,whether they’re impracticalor reasonable,ownthemandtellhimthatit’sthewayYOUfeelandthatwhenhedoes_________ithasthepotentialtoenhancethoseinsecurities.Butforheaven’ssake,don’ttellhim that it’s his fault.Why?Because he already thinks it’s his fault and he’sshuttingdownbecausehefeelslikeafailure.LikeIsaidbefore,iftheonlyhigh-emotionhegetsfromyouiswhenyou’reunhappywithhim,thosearetheonesthatwillregisteronhis“IsMyWifeHappy?”meter.

38

Don’tinterrupthimwhenhe’sspeaking.

Acommoncomplaintamongstusguysishowmuchwedislikebeinginterruptedwhilewe’re speaking. I’mnot surehowannoying this is for awomanwhenaguyinterruptsher,butforguys,beingconstantlyinterruptedimmenselyretardsourability tocommunicateeffectively.Somemenwouldratherkeepquietandsay next to nothing than to be constantly interrupted. In other words, somewomenactually train theirmento talkas littleaspossible. Ifyouwanthimtospeakfreelyandunhindered,don’tinterrupthimjustbecausesomethingpoppedintoyourhead.IshouldnotethatIsayallofthiswiththehopesthatyourmanisagentlemananddoesnotinterruptyouwhileyou’respeakingaswell.

39

Ifit’surgentandhe’sbusy,simplify.

Sometimeshe’sgoingtobebusyornotinterestedinwhatyouhavetosay,evenifyouthinkit’surgent.Forinstance,ifyouwanttoknowwhathewantstoeat

fordinnerlateronintheeveningbuthisattentioniselsewhere,givehimoptionsrather than make him think. Asking him, “Honey, what would you like fordinner?” while he’s trying to focus or unwind might get you an aggravatingresponselike,“Geez,Idon’tknow,whateveryoufeellikemaking.”Ofcourse,ifyou’d like your knight-in-shining-armor to lead and make these types ofdecisionsmore often instead of leaving it up to you, you’re going to have tothink of him as your very own caveman. In other words, make the choiceridiculously simple for him. Instead, try asking him,“Honey, I’m thinking ofmaking baked chicken and rice or home-made hamburgers for dinner tonight.Whichonewouldyou likebest?”Aquestion like thisdumbs itdownforyourcavemansothathedoesn’thavetothinktoomuch.Morethanlikely,he’llgiveyou amuchmore favorable response. So remember tomake things so simplethatevenacavemancandoit–yourcaveman.

40

Dumbitdown.

Whenindoubt,“dumbitdown.”Ifyourguyisn’tabigtalkerandhisattentionspan is ridiculously short, you might want to try breaking down complexsubjectsintobite-sizedpiecesofeasilydigestibleinformation.Avoidtalkingtoyourman likehe’soneofyourgirlfriends,because ifyoudo,he’llhavesomedifficultyfollowingyou.AsI’vementionedbefore,hisbrainisdesignedtosolveproblems,soifyourcomplexconversationisn’tgivinghimsomethingtosolve,hismindmightwonderoffelsewheretoputitselftosomegooduse.Andwhenitcomestoaman’smemory,keepingyourmessageshortandsimplewillmakeiteasierforhimtorememberthethingsthatyouneedhimto.

41

Timingiskey.

Timingiskey.

Trying to discuss your vacation plans with your football loving husband orboyfriendduringanintensefootballgameisanactofinsanity.Tryingtodiscusstheissuesyouhavewithyourmotherwithhimwhilehe’stryingtounwindafterwork is futile.Aswitheverythingelse in life, timing is everything.When I’mwriting,mywifeknows that it’sbestnot to interruptmewithmatters thatcanwait.She’sthoughtfulenoughtoknowthatwhenI’mengagedwiththewrittenwordI’mnotgoingtobeabletorespondtohereffectively.Youshouldconsidertaking the same approach with your husband or boyfriend as well. Learningwhen to discuss certain matters is pivotal to ensuring high-qualitycommunicationbetweenyouandyourman.

42

Ensurethathedoesn’tfeel“blamed”or“criticized”bystartingwithadisclaimer.

How do you make a man listen to you when you want to talk about therelationshipwithout shuttingdown?Easy (sort of), you ensure that he doesn’tfeel like he failed you or failed himself. If your guy struggles to listen to youwhenyouhavearelationshipissuewithhim,theproblemisusuallybecausehe’sbeen internalizing your unhappiness by taking personal responsibility for it.Chancesare,he’sbeenfeelingblamedandcriticizedeventhoughyoumightnotbeblamingorcriticizinghimatall.Youmaybethinkingthatyou’rebeingclearwith him and that you’re just letting him knowwhat’s important to you, butthat’s not theway he’s processing that information.While all youwant is forhim to understand you as a woman and make you feel more secure in therelationship, he’s busy battling his own insecurities. In his head he may bethinking,“I’ve failedagain”,“WhatdidIdowrongthis time”,“She’salwayscomplaining”,“I’mabadhusband/boyfriend”,“I’mmakingherunhappy”,etc.

Allofthesenegativeinternalizationsamounttothesetwosentencesinhishead:“It’smyfaultthatshe’sunhappy.I’mtoblame.”Readthatlastsentenceagain.

Itgetsevenworsebecausethemorehedoesn’trespondthewayyouneedhimto,themoreyouexpressyourselfemotionallyhopingthathe’dfinallygetit,butheonlyshutsdownevenmore.Sowhat’sagirltodowhenhermanhasthissortof negative self-talk going on inside of his own head?Well, you canmake iteasier for him by using a simple little disclaimerwhenever you communicateyourrelationshipwantsandneedstoyourman.Saysomethinglike:“Honey,I’mnotblamingyouforanythingandIjustwantyoutoknowthatit’snotyourfault.You’vebeengoodtome,andIloveyoujustthewayyouare.ButbecauseI’vebeen feeling__________________, I thought Ishould letyouknowthat….” Itsoundssimple,butthislittlestatementcanliterallydisarmhis“I’vebeenabad,badboy”defensesandhelphim to realize thatyou’re taking responsibility foryouremotions(insecurities)andthatallyoureallywantisforhimtohelpyoufeelmoresecure(loved,appreciated,adored,needed,etc.)intherelationship.Ihonestlybelieve ifwomenusedmoredisclaimer statements like thisone,menwould spend a lot less time trying to understand what they “did wrong” andspendmore timemaking their wives and girlfriends feel more secure in theirrelationships.

Now,Ihavetoaddthatyoushouldn’tusethisdisclaimerandthenstillgoaheadandblamehim.Whatyoumustgetinthehabitofdoingistotakeresponsibilityforyourownemotionsandhowyou’refeeling.That’salsonotaninvitationtoblameyourself.Don’tdothateither.Takingresponsibilitymeansthatyouacceptthewayyoufeelandthatyouhavethepowertodosomethingaboutit.Blamingyourselfmeansyouthinksomethingiswrongwithyouandzapsyourabilitytodo something about it. One path empowers while the other disempowers. Sodon’tblamehimanddon’tblameyourself,butalwaysbegenuineinlettinghimknowwhyyoufeelthewayyoufeel.

43

43

Appealtohisdesiretobeahigh-qualityman.

Akeycommunication techniqueusedbyhigh-ranking leaders is to impute thequalitiesthattheywouldliketheirsubordinatestodisplay.Whatthismeansforyouisthatyoucaninfluenceyourmantoactacertainwaybyappealingtohismore noblemotives.High-quality, reasonablemenwant to be admired by thewomantheyloveandrespectedbyothers.Ifyouimplytohimthathe’sabetterman by taking a certain course of action, assuming that he subconsciouslyaspirestobeagoodman,there’sagoodchancethathe’llfollowthroughonyoursuggestion.Forexample,ifyourhusbandpromisedyou(andthekids)thathe’lltakethekidsouttotheparkandinsteadhecomeshomeandgetsbitbythelazy-dad-bug and wants to relax in front of the TV, you can appeal to his noblermotivesbysaying,“Honey,rememberyoupromisedthekidsatriptotheparkthisevening.Iknowyou’reamanofyourwordandthekindofmanthatputshisfamilyfirst.Besides,thekidslovespendingtimewiththeirone-and-onlyfather.”

Asawomanyoumaybethinkingthathe’llsurelyseethroughthisassomesortof manipulation. Honestly, even if he does see through it, as long as you’resincerehe’llrealizethatyou’reright.Yourappealingtothe“Iwanttobeagreatdadandamanof integrity”whispers thatgoeson inhishead.Appealing toaman’snoblermotivesisallaboutusingnon-forceful,persuasiveimputationstoget him toagree with you. Think of it like those cartoons that have the littleangelononeshoulderandthelittleimpontheother.Useyourfemininepowersofpersuasiontomakethevoiceofthelittleangelonhisshouldermuchlouderthanthevoiceofthelittleimp.Imputethequalityyouneedhimtodisplayinagracefulway, thenwalk away and let him arrive at his own conclusion.Trustme, this isamuchbetterway togethim tobeabetterman thannagginghimincessantly.

44

44

Discussyourmistakesfirstbeforetalkingabouthis.

Anexcellent communication strategy forpointingout amistakehemade is tomakereferencetoyourownmistakesfirst.Bydoingso,you’recommunicatingtruehumilitybylettinghimknowthatyou’renotperfecteither.Thissetsabetterfoundationforamantoatleasthearyououtwithouttryingtodefendhimselforignoring you completely. Remember,men tend to be ego driven and think intermsof“respectful”and“disrespectful.”Ifyoujumprightoutofthegateandtell him about hismistakes and howmuchhe needs to change, etc., etc., he’sgoingtohaveamuchmoredifficulttimedigestingwhatyouhavetosay.Butifyouillustratehumilitybyshowcasingyourownerrors,hewon’tfeelthreatened.The act of admitting your own mistakes gives you an opportunity to bevulnerablewithhim.Whenyou’revulnerableyouhaveanopportunitytobond(developintimacy)withhim,andoncethatbondisestablishedhe’llseeyouasatrustedfriendwho’s lookingout forhimasopposed toanaggingharpywho’sneversatisfied.

Interestingly, ifyoucanturnthemistakeyoumadeintoafunnystory,he’llbeevenmoreateasetohearyourcriticism.Also,themorehonestyouarethemorerelaxedhe’ll be. If you tell himabout somegigantic blunder youmade and itgetshimlaughing, imaginehowmucheasier itwillbeforhimtolistentoyoucriticizesomethingsimpleabouthim.

45

Don’tresorttogivinghimthe“silenttreatment.”

The silent treatment has one “good” use. It alerts the unsuspecting malespecimenofaterrifyingtruth:“Thewomanisupsetwithme.”Believeitornot,

thereisabetteralternativetogettingaman’sattentionwhenyouhappentobeupsetand/orangrywithhim. I’mparticularlyproudof thissuggestionbecauseI’mprettysurenomanorwomanhaseverthoughtofitbefore.Areyoureadyforit?Hereitis:Tellhimwhat’sbotheringyou.(Yes,Iamagenius.)

Tellingyourmanhowyoufeelandconfrontingtheissueisamuchmorematureway of communicating your emotions. The silent treatment is a passive-aggressive communication strategy that children (and immature adults) use toget their way. By using this mediocre tactic, you communicate that you’reuninterested in problem solving andmore interested in self-righteous grudgesandplaying theroleof thevictim. Ifanything, thesilent treatmentonlymakesthingsworsebecausesnubbingyourhusbandorboyfriendwillonlyresult inaveryhurtor confusedman.He’ll eitherdoeverything inhispower togetyoutalkingagain(hegivesupandjustwantsitoverwith)orhe’llendupangryandjustgiveyouatasteofyourownmedicine(heignoresyouindefinitely).Inshort,allyouendupwitharetwopeoplewhoaren’tcommunicatingwithoneanother.

I should also add that there is a cleardifferencebetweengivingyourman thesilent treatment and taking some personal quiet time to cool down after anargument.Gettingthespaceyouneedtothinkproperlyorgivingyourmansomespace todo the same is perfectlyokay.But using the silent treatment to forcehimtopayattentiontoyouisaformofemotionalabusethatwillonlybackfirein the end. Give yourself some space, get a hold of your emotions, and thenaddresstheissuerationallyandgracefully.

46

Don’tbeanag.

Youshouldhaveknownthiswascoming.Amanwouldprefertolivealoneinarundownapartmentthantoshareastatelymansionwithanaggingwoman.Ifeel

thatGodhasaunique senseofhumorandgavewomen thepowerofnaggingandgaveusmennonaturaldefenses against it.Yes, if youwant aman todosomethingsoonerthanlater there’safairchancethatnaggingmightwork.Buttrustme,youwon’twinanypopularitycontestswithhim.Somemengetsousedto a naggingwoman that over time they actually become immune to it.Othermenmaybemoreavoidantandnon-confrontationalwithanaggingwoman,sothey’ll resort to white lies, half-truths, and coward-like evasion tactics (likestayingoutlateortakingthelongwayhome)justtoavoidhavingtodealwithbeing nagged about something. Yes, you read that right. Nagging a manhabituallyactuallyforceshimtocensorhimselfsothathedoesn’tsayanythingtostartyouup.

Therearebetteralternativesthannaggingamanintosubmission;manyofthemhave already been mentioned in this book. But if you need a few focusedreminders,I’llgiveyoutwoideastohelpyouchangeyournagginghabit(ifyouhaveone).Firstof all,you’vegot to letgoof control.Sometimeswomennagbecausetheyhaveanincessantneedtobeincontrol.Forwhateverreason,theydon’ttrusttheirhusbandsorboyfriendsandfeelcompelledtoharponthemuntiltheyfollowthroughonsomething.Fearoflosingcontrolofanoutcomewillfuelyour need to nag. Sowhat if he forgets tomow the lawn before your parentscomeover?It’snottheendoftheworld.Learntoletgoandyou’llfindyourselflessapt tonag themanwhodoes somuchmore tomakeyouhappy thanyouprobably realize.Secondly, talk about your needs. If youhaveneeds that he’sneglecting,gracefullycommunicatewithhiminordertoarriveatacompromise.Men do forget and sometimes neglect what’s already in their possession. Ifsomething is important to you but not quite as important to him, use thecommunication strategies in this book to get through to him.There is nothingwrongwith giving him a little reminder now and then once it’s donewith anattitudeofgentleness.

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Don’tflauntyourintelligenceifyou’renaturallysmarterthanheis.

Justbecauseyoumightbesmarterthanamandoesn’tmeanyoualwayshavetoflauntiteverychanceyouget.I’mnotsinglingoutall intelligentwomenmindyou,only theones that like to showoff.Whenaguydoes it to awoman, theeffect is thesame. It’sannoying.Likewise, ifawomanuseseveryopportunityshe gets to broadcast her storehouse of knowledge, it doesn’t impress anyoneexcept her. This sort of behavior tells a man that you’re insecure since yourequireanattentiveaudiencetoapproveofyourintelligence.Ahigh-qualitymanprefers to discover a woman’s intelligence on his own. Your brevity anddiscretionwillstirhiscuriosityanddrawhimintoyoubecauseinallhonesty,aquality man loves learning from and being in the company of an intelligentwoman.Andbelieveme,asawoman,oneofthemostseductivethingsyoucandotoamanistogivehimthegiftofunravelingthebeautyofyourmindonhisown.

48

Understandandcommunicateincontext.

Sometimesit’snotwhatyousayorevenhowyousayitthatmatters,butit’salsowhenyousayit.Oneofthemostpowerfulhabitsyoucandotogreatlyenhancethe way you communicate with men is to understand context. A gracefulcommunicator understands the importance context plays in communicating,whethershe’sonthegivingendorthereceivingend.

For example, in an earlier point I mentioned that you should learn when toacceptcriticismgracefullyandwhentoshrugitoff.ThereasonImentionedthis

is because just like you, amanmaynot be in his “rightmind” at the timehecriticizes you. He could have just had a bad day at work, found out somefrustratingnews,or losthis iPhone inDunkinDonuts (ithappens). Ifhehasamomentarylapseinjudgmentandtakeshisfrustrationoutonyoubycriticizingyou,shrug itoffgracefully,givehimsometime tocometohissenses,andgoaboutyourbusinessasifyourlifecouldn’tbebetter.Inthiscontext(situation),hecriticizedorcomplainedbecauseofhisownfrustrations.Youjusthappenedto be the nearest victim in his vicinity. If he’s conscious of his behavior,eventuallyhe’llapologize,thankyou,andshoweryouwithaffectionbecausehesaw how well you handled him in that situation. If he’s not so behaviorconscious and you begin to notice a bad habit forming, do what I’ve beenrepeating throughout this book: Approach him respectfully, and talk to himabout it.As you can see, understanding context is key, not only for resolvingconflictbutalsoforavoidingunnecessaryargumentsaltogether.

UnderstandingtheMasculineMind

49

Ifhe’shadaroughday,treadcarefully.

Afteraroughdayatworkallaguywantstodoiscomehometohiscastleandrelaxforabitinhisfortressofsolitude(homeoffice,lounge,TVroom,etc.).Ifthe first thinghehearsafterheenters thedoor isdemands forhis timeso thatyou can talk, you’re going to end up in a very one-sided, unproductiveconversation.Giveamansome time tounwindbeforeyou jumpright intohispersonalspace.Sure,youmayneedtoknowwhathewantsfordinnerorupdatehim on bills that need paying or kids that need disciplining, but chances aresomeofthatstuffcanwaituntilafterthepoorguyrelaxeshismindabit.Thismayseem likecommonsenseadvice,but somewomenneed tohear it: Ifyouwantaproductive,engagingconversationwithyourman,givehimsometimetounwindwhenhegetshome.

50

Don’tlosehimbychangingtopics.

Idon’tknowwhoinventedtheterm“gooffonatangent”butI’mprettysureitwas a guy referencing his conversation with a woman. I’m kidding! Butseriously, if youhavehis undivided attention, don’t lose it by losingyourself.Keephimengagedbyhavingapointinfocus.Ontheotherhand,ifyou’reprone

to going off topic, try letting him knowWHEN you’re going off topic. Forexample, ifyou’re talking toyourhusbandorboyfriendandyou findyourselfwantingtogooffonanothertangent,quicklysay,“NEWTOPIC!”andcarryon.You’re doing this for his sake because, 1. It will help him to shut off hisproblem-solvingdeviceforthefirsttopic,and2.Itwillallowhimtofollowtheconversationwithoutgettingannoyed,bored,oroverwhelmedwithinformation.

51

Donotinsultorbelittlehim.

Here’sthefastestwaytomakeamanignoreeverywordthatcomesoutofyourmouth:insulthim.Name-calling,belittling,andotherformsofverbalputdownswon’twinyouanyawardswiththemanyou’retryingtotalkto.Thebiggertheego,themoreobstinatehe’llgetwhenyouinsulthim.Ipersonallyadviseguysto not tolerate any form of name-calling and belittlingwhen arguingwith thewoman they love.Why?Well, because I expect them to keep things clean aswell. Yes, it’s difficult to keep hold of your emotions sometimes, but thatdoesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. A high-quality man won’t make a habit ofverbally abusing you during an argument, therefore you should grant him thesamecourtesy.

52

Avoidaskinghimforhelpifyouhavezerointentionsoffollowingthrough.

OneofthemostannoyingthingsyoucandotoamanisaskhimforhisadviceandthenNOTfollowthatadvice.It’skindoflikethestoryoftheboywhocriedwolf.Youcryforhelpandwanthisinput,butyourepeatedlychoosetogointhe

oppositedirection.Thissortofbehaviorwillcausehimtonottakeyouseriouslywhenyouwanttocommunicate.Remember,menhaveadesperateneedtofeelrespected. If he sees that youhabitually choose not to followhis advice, yourcriesforhelpwillfallondeafears.

53

Don’tattackthethingshe’spassionateabout.

Here’s the thing. If aman has a hobby or pastime that he truly enjoys, avoidmakinghisintereststheenemy.Now,Iknowasawomanyoumayhavetosetaboundarywhenyourmanbegins to takehiseyesoffofwhat’smost important(you,family,health,etc.),butyoucanhelphimtoreassesshisprioritieswithoutdemonizing his passions (assuming they’re not illegal or unethical of course).Forexample,ifhe’sspendingtoomuchtimeplayinggolfonSundays,tellhimthat you’d like for him to spendmore time with you on Sundays because of__________.Don’t tellhimthatheshouldn’tbeplayinggolfandforheaven’ssakedon’ttellhimsomethingthatinsultshistasteslike,“golfisforlosers”,etc.,etc.Alwayscommunicatewhatyouneedfromhimwithoutmakingitseemasifyouwanttotakehisfunawayfromhim.Inshort,don’tactlikehismother.

54

Don’tassumeheknows.

Neverassumethatheknowsexactlywhatitisyou’retryingtocommunicatetohim.LasttimeIchecked,menhaven’tlearnedhowtoreadthefemalemind.Wehave some committed scientistsworking on it I’m sure, but right now it’d bebest if you didn’t assumeweknowwhat you’re talking about.Have you everseen a man and woman get into a white-hot argument and the guy has this

puzzledlookonhisfacewithopenhandsandoutstretchedarms?Heusuallyhasoneorbotheyebrowsraisedwith thatclueless“What inDavyJones’ locker isthiswomantalkingabout?”face.Soonerorlater,you’llhearhimoutburstwith,“What are you TALKING ABOUT?” This is the sad scenario of a guy whohonestlydoesn’thaveacluewhatshe’stalkingabout,andusuallyshefeelshurtor insulted because she thinks he’s either playing dumb or being insensitive.Ladies,Isaythiswithnothingbutloveandhopethatyou’llhearmeout:Don’tassumeheknowswhatyou’re talkingabout, especiallyduringanargumentordisagreement. Chances are, if he has that dumb look on his face…he reallydoesn’tknowwhat’sgoingon.

55

Turnoff“mom-mode”andtalktohimlikeamanyouRESPECT,notachildyoutolerate.

If you’re married with kids this may be a potential issue for you in yourmarriage. I’veobserved that somewomen talk to and treat theirhusbands likeone of the children, particularlywhen hemakes amistake or has a bad habit.Some women just seem to forget that men aren’t particularly fond of beingreprimandedbytheirwives.Yourhusbanddoesn’tenjoyfailingyou.Hewantsyou toseehimasacapableandcompetent,protector,provider,and lover.Butwhenyoutreathimlikeachildafterhedoessomethingyoudon’tlike,itmakeshimfeeldisrespected.

Let’ssayhehasthehabitofwalkingaroundwithhisplatewhileeatingandheaccidentlydropsit.Doyoulaughitoffwithhim,say“nosweat”,andhelphimcleanthemessup?Ordoyoutellhimhowclumsyheisandremindhimthatyoujust cleaned the floors?Or evenworse, doyouyell at him likehe’s abad sixyear old? Learn to turn off “mom-mode” and don’t sweat the small stuff.

Chancesarethatifhehasthe“bad”habitofwalkingaroundwithhisplatewhileeating,he’sbeendoing that formostofhis life.Habitsdon’tbreakovernight.That’snot tosaythatheshouldn’t trytochangesomeofthethingsthatannoyyou,but let’skeep things inperspective.Youmarriedhim thewayhe is so itobviously wasn’t a deal breaker while you were dating. So how should yourespond tohis less-than-ideal idiosyncrasies?Respondas ifyou justmet somewonderful newneighbors andyou reallywanted them to feel at home. If theycameoverfordinnerandaccidentlybrokethedish,whatwouldyoudo?Thinkaboutit.

56

Userespectfulbodylanguage.

Bodylanguageplaysahugeroleingettingamantohearandunderstandwhatyou’retryingtosay.Itplaysanevenbiggerroleininfluencinghim.Thingslikelooking away, fiddling with your iPhone, or tapping your fingers onlycommunicates your impatience or lack of interest in what he has to say. Ofcourse,I’mnoEmilyPostwhenitcomestothevariousrulesoffemaleetiquette,butI’msurewecanagreethat therearecertainthings(likesmackingongum)that distract and discourage effective communication. For aman, female bodylanguage falls into twocategories:1. Isherbody languageattractive?Or2. Isherbodylanguagerespectful?SinceI’mnottryingtohelpyoupickupguys,I’mnotgoingtosaymuchaboutattractivebodylanguage,butIcansayawordortwoaboutrespectfulbodylanguage.

Respectfulbodylanguagewillmakeamantakeyouseriouslywhilenotfeelingthreatened.Forinstance,havingyourbackturnedtohimwhilehe’sspeakingorwalking away while he’s in mid-sentence is extremely disrespectful. Anotherexample: folded arms, pursed lips, and a frowning face indicate your disgustand/ordispleasure.Ifyouwanttokeephisegointact,hisdefenseslowered,and

hisheartopen toyour influence,yourbody languagemustbe respectfulwhenyou communicate with him. Now, I’ll admit that some guys have a highertolerancefordisrespectfulbodylanguage.Yourbestbet is toactuallyaskyourhusbandorboyfriendifyourbodylanguageisgenerallyappealingoraturn-offduringconversation.Ifyouallowhimtobehonestwithyouwithoutyoutakingoffence,youmightbesurprisedtohearwhathehastosay.

57

Don’tattackthosehelovesdearly.

If he’s particularly fond of hismother, father, brothers, sisters, etc., don’t badmouthorinsulttheminconversation.Evenifhismotherisacompletewitch-of-a-womanwhomakes your life a living hell, don’t attack her.There are betterways to communicate your dislike of someone he’s fond ofwithout soundinglikeyou’reattacking them. Ifyoucriticize thepeoplehe lovesandadmireshewilltakeitasapersonalinsult.Thetrickhereistorespecthischoiceswithoutjudgment.It’sokaytotellhimthathismotherisoverbearinganddifficulttodealwithorthathisfriendscausehimtospendtoomuchtimeawayfromhome.Justdon’tdemonizehisrelationships.Asalways,it’snotwhatyousay,buthowyousayit.

58

Givehimspacetothinktomakeadecisionorcometoaconclusion.

It takes men a much longer time to process certain types of information,especiallywhenemotionsareinvolved.Insteadofharpingyourguytogiveyouananswerright thenandthere,givehimsometimetoprocessyourdiscussion

andcometoarationalandhonestconclusion.Ifyourushhim,hisdecisionmaybebasedonhimtryingtopleaseyouinordertoavoidconflictatthemoment.Ifyou give him the space he needs he’ll have a better chance at arriving to asensible,andoftenmoresinceresolution.

59

Don’tcomparehimtoanotherman.

Thispointisself-explanatory.Ifyouwanttoseeamanshutdownfasterthanagovernmentagencyatquittingtime,juststartcomparinghimtoanothermanthatyou admire. As you should have realized by now, men filter out just abouteverything you say as either respectful or disrespectful. Being compared toanothermanthatpossessescertainqualitiesyoufindattractivethatwemaylackisakissofdeath.It’sinsultingandmakesiteasierforseedsofbitterresentmenttosprout.Inallhonesty,Idon’tknowalotofwomenwhohabituallydothistotheirmen,nomatterhowupsetoruninformed theymaybe.But itcanhappenfromtimetotime,albeitinaverysubtleway,sobemindful.

60

Don’tbegandwhineassoonashedisagrees.

Ifyourmandisagreeswithyouandstandsfirmonadecisionhe’smadeaboutsomething,don’tmake thingsevenmoredifficultbywhiningabout it. It’snotlady-likeandveryunattractive.Whenhe’smadeafirmdecision,assumingit’salegalonethatdoesn’tchallengeyourmorals,standbyhimandwithdraw.Whilemen and women are equal we are inherently different, and our roles in arelationship reflect those differences. As I said before, let him lead. A high-qualitymanwillwanttoleadyouthebesthecan,andhe’sathisbestwhenhis

woman ishighlysupportiveofhis finaldecisions.Thinkofhimas thecaptainandyou’rehisfirstmate.Ifthefirstmateisalwaysbeggingtohaveherownwayandwhinesbehindthecaptain’sback,thatcouldcausealotofproblemsforthejourney(relationship)ahead.It’sevenworsewhenyouhavekids.Yoursonanddaughterdon’tenjoyhearingabouthowDaddy’sdecision todoso-and-sowasstupid.Thissortofbehaviorisadisplayofdisrespect,andwhenyourchildrenwitness it, theirrespectfor the“Captain”goesdownlittlebylittle. I thinkyouknowwhathappenswhenchildrenloserespectfortheirfather.

61

Nevertellhim,“You’rewrong.”

Best-sellingauthor,DaleCarnegie,wroteabookcalledHowtoWinFriendsandInfluencePeople. In it he discusses a very powerful technique for influencingsomeone to yourway of thinking.Carnegiementioned that the fastestway tomakeanenemyistotellsomeonethatthey’rewrongandthenproveittothem.

Whencommunicatingwithaman, theprinciple isverymuch thesame.Nevertell him, “You’re wrong”, at least not in this way. Telling a man (or evenanother woman for that matter) that he’s wrong will make him defend hisposition all themore, especially if you’re having an argument. Even during aregular,non-confrontationalconversation,saying,“you’rewrong”tosomemenisadirectblowtotheirintelligence,judgment,andpride.Thisisespeciallythecaseifyousayitharshlyandwithanairofsuperiorityinyourvoice.Abetterthingtosaywouldbe,“Honey,listen.IknowIcouldbewronghere,butdon’tyou think __________?” or even, “Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t__________?” Once again, by focusing on your own humanity (proneness toerror), you disarm his defense mechanisms and appeal to his reason. And byposing your appeal to the truth as a question, you’re allowing him theopportunity to think it over and correct himself. If he doesn’t correct himself,

moveon.It’susuallynotworthfightingover.

Also,trytoavoidsayingthingslike,“I’mgoingtoprovethis-and-thattoyou”becausetoaman,phraseslikethistranslateinto“You’redumbandI’mgoingtoshowyouhowwithmysuperiorfemalebrain.”Okay,maybeIexaggeratedjustalittle,buthopefullyyougetthepicture.Unlessyouandyourbelovedarehavinga little teasing fun, avoid provoking him with statements that insult hisintelligence.Showalittlegrace-likediplomacyinstead.

62

Besilent.

It is often said that silence is golden. If this is true, then women whocommunicategracefullymustbeworth theirweight ingold.Myone fearwiththisbookisthatatalkativewifeorgirlfriendmaythinkthatshecanchangeherless than talkative husband or boyfriend using some of these techniques.Yes,youmaybeabletogetafewmorehonest,caringwordsoutofhimforsure,butdon’texpectamantochangedramatically,atleastnotrightaway.Believeitornot,silencemaybethebestcommunicationstrategyifyou’refarmoretalkativethan your beloved. For a lot of women, their idea of keeping a relationshiphealthymeanstotalktotheirmanabouteverythingandanythingasoftenastheycan. Usually, a woman like this is never satisfied with her man’s level ofcommunication. She assumes that themore she talks to him about things themorehe’llunderstandhowshefeels,resultinginhimchangingtoloveherevenbetter.Asshetriestoincreasetalkingwithhimsheonlyendsuptalkingathim,which, as you probably realize by now, frustrates him and causes him to shutdown.

Doesthismeanyoushouldn’ttalktoyourmoresilentpartner?Well,ofcoursenot.Ifyou’refartooaddictedto“relationshiptalks”andfindyourselftornapart

becauseyourhusbandorboyfrienddoesn’ttalkasmuchasyouwant,youmaybetryingtoforcetheissue.Forcingtheissue(conversation)willcomeacrossasdisrespectfultoaquieter,stoicman.Inmanyways,developingaquieter,gentlerattitude in addition tousingmore respectfulwaysof addressingyour issues ismorethanenoughtogetaquietmantoopenup.Ifyoucommunicatewithhimathispaceyouhaveabetterchanceatinfluencinghimtoopenupthanbyforcinganonslaughtofwordsuponhim.

Idounderstandthatinthispost-feministworldwelivein,womenaretaughttobe as vocal as possible about their wants and needs. Because of this notion,women are misled to believe that by remaining quiet and gentle, soft andunassuming,theylosetheirfemininepowerandsenseofself.Sadlythereverseis true, ESPECIALLY when dealing with high-quality, assertive, masculinemen.Knowingwhentobesilentisaveryattractivequalitytomenofstatusandambition. Any woman with enough brass can get what she wants using hermouth,butonlytherarestjewelsamongwomenknowhowtousetactfulsilencetoinfluencetheheartofaman.

OnBuildingaBetterRelationship

63

PickyourbattlesVERYcarefully.

Youdonothavetocriticizeorsecond-guesseverydecisionyourmanmakes.Ifyoudevelopthehabitofalwayssecond-guessinghisdecisionshewilleitherdooneof two things.First, because second-guessing aman’s decision signifies alack of trust he may choose to ignore you in the future when it comes todecision-making.Thereasonforthisisbecausehefeelsasifyoudon’ttrusthimastheteamcaptain.I’msureyoucanimaginehowfrustratingitcouldbecomeifamanhabituallykeepsyououtofthedecision-makingloopinyourrelationship.

Alternatively, instead of taking you out of the decision-making processcompletely, amanmay take the passive-aggressive route and allowyou to dowhatyouwant (tohis regret). Ifhe takes thepassive-aggressive routeand letsyouhandle things, you’ll endup resentinghim forbeing apushover andhe’llendupresentingyouforbeingsuchabigbully.

Most of the time, it’s the small battles that add up that causesmen themostirritation.Arguingwithhimover small everydaydecisionswill either frustratehim or make him indifferent when you do need his input. For example,sometimesamanwillmakeadecisionaboutsomethingsimplybecausehewantsto. Ifyourmanenjoys taking the longwayhomebecause it’s themore scenicroute,whyarguewithhimabout takingashorter, innercityroutehome?Ifheenjoystheview,lethimbe.Ifyou’reatthefoodstoreandabottleofgrapejuice

costs$1.50more thanorange juice,whymakea fuss justbecause it’s slightlymoreexpensive?Ifhereallylikesgrapejuice,lethimhavehisgrapejuice.Yes,theseareallsimpleillustrations,butyou’llbesurprisedathowwomenmakeafussoverthesimplestdecisionsmenmake.Whenitcomestothesmallstuff,ifhewantstodosomethinganditdoesn’tcostyouyourhappiness,lethimdoit.

The first thing is to know your man. If he’s the strong alpha type, he won’ttolerate alwaysbeing second-guessedandwill eventuallyputhis footdown toyourchagrin. Ifhe’s laid-backandnon-confrontationalhe’ll soonhatehimself(and you) for always letting you have your way all the time. His passive-aggressivewayofdealingwithyouwill show itself inotherways throughhissilentactsof“revenge.”Sowhat’sthemoralofthestory?Simple,lethimbeaman by respecting (there’s that word again) his leadership and trusting hisdecision-making.

64

Bepatient.

Patienceisthevirtuethatmakesbothyoungandolderwomenoverwhelminglyattractive.I’mnottalkingaboutthepatiencetotakeabusefromamanorbeingpatientinsufferingbecauseofhisthoughtlessbehavior.WhatI’mtalkingaboutis patience in thewayyou communicate. Ifmen are themore stubbornof thesexes,developingpatienceisgoingtobeimperativeindatingandrelatingwithmen.Agoodmental trickforbeingpatientwithmenistokeepthisthoughtinmind:Thisman is far fromperfect,but I lovehimanyway.Thepoor soul justdoesn’tknowanybetter.Now,IwanttojuststateherethatI’mnottryingtohelpyougiveamananexcuseforbeingirresponsible,butIdowantyoutokeepinmindthatwe’reallperfectlyflawedhumanbeingsjusttryingtogetalongintheeasiestwaypossible.Letmeexplain(asIgooffonatangent).Cultivatingandmaintainingarelationshiprequireswork,atonofwork.Weallwanttobehappy

inourrelationshipswithoutthestressofchange,sowekeepourold,annoying,badhabitsnotbecausewedon’tcare,butbecausechangeisenormouslydifficultand uncomfortable. If aman truly knewon a subconscious level how to keepyou happy, he would do it. But chances are, he doesn’t know, at least notentirely, and thereforehewillmakemistakes,getonyourbad side, andmakeyouwanttoriphisbeadyeyesout.Butwhenyourealizethathe’stryinghisbestandthatyoucanseeprogress,youcanlearntobemuchmorepatientwithhim.

65

Givethemanyoulovethebenefitofthedoubt,andavoidprejudginghim.

If you’re going to attack or criticize everything your man says he’s going tolearn the art of not-saying-anything-to-you-at-all. To a man, prejudging hisresponsesislikebeingaccusedofmurderandgoingtocourtjustasaformality.It doesn’t make any sense to argue or testify if your verdict, no matter howunjust,isalreadyguilty.

Here’sascenario.Let’ssayyouaskedyourhusbandtocleanthedishesbecauseyou’llbegettingofffromworklateandneedahand.Yougethomelate, tiredandwornoutandwalkintothekitchenandseeaheapoffilthinthesink.Youglanceatthecouchandseeyourknight-in-shining-armorfastasleepinfrontoftheTV,stilldressedinworkattire.Whatdoyoudonext?Doyouwakehimupandtellhimthathe’salazy,inconsideratebastardofamanordoyouactwithGod-likepatienceandgivehimthebenefitofthedoubt?Remember,onepathisthepathoflove;theotheristhepathofself-interest.

Thetruthis,hefellasleeponthecouchaftercomingstraighthomefromworkand spending the entire evening helping one of the kidswith a school projectthat’sdue thefollowingday. Ifyousnapathim,hemight feel likenothinghe

doesmatters toyouanditcould leadtoresentmentandbitterness. Ifyougavehimthebenefitofthedoubt,hewouldhavethechancetoexplainandyouwouldseejusthowfabulousofafatherheistoyourchildren.Youwouldthenbeabletoappreciatehimevenmoreandhewouldbemorethanhappytofollowthroughon hisword. It’s the same situation butwith two different results, all becauseyoudidn’tjudgethesituationinyourmindbeforegivinghimachance.I’mnotsayingeverysituationwillbelikethisone,butchoosingtorespondinaloving,non-judgmentalwayisalwaysthebetterchoice.

66

Changeyournegativeself-talk.

Negative self-talk can CRIPPLE your ability to communicate effectivelywithyourman.Ifyoustruggletocommunicatewithmenandyouhaveahistoryofbrokenrelationshipsorfrustratingfights,youmightbesufferingfromnegativeself-talkwhenitcomestocommunicatingwithmen.

The things you tell yourself regularly, whether audibly or silently create thebeliefsthatdriveyoureveryaction.Yourthoughtshelptoshapeyourbehavior,and ifyoualwaysenforcenegative self-talkwhen trying tocommunicatewithmenyou’ll continue toget frustrating results.For instance, affirming things toyourselflike,“I’mnevergoingtogetthroughtohim”or“Heneverunderstandsme” or even, “Talking to him frustrates me” won’t help your cause to beunderstood one bit. Instead, replace these kinds of phraseswithmore positiveoneslike,“Icommunicatewithmenwithease”or“IameasilyunderstoodwhenI communicate” or even “I enjoy working through conflicts with myhusband/boyfriend.”

Nowbeforeyou jumpupandsay thatyou’renotanegative self-talker, ifyoumonitor your thoughts long enough you may start to notice certain thinking

patternsthathavecreatedneuralpathwaysinyourbrainthatreinforceunhealthycommunication habits. Behavioral researcher and best-selling author, ShadHelmstetter,discussesthisconceptin-depthinhisbook,WhatToSayWhenYouTalkToYourself.It’saphenomenalself-improvementtoolifyouoftenstrugglewithnegativethoughts.Ihighlyrecommendit.

67

Subvertself-interesttolovehimjustthewayheis.

We all want something. Themoment you interact with another human being,you’re trying to get something. Even if you compliment someone expectingnothing in return, you’re still trying to gain the feeling of benevolence thatcomesfrombeingkind.Whenwecommunicatewithoursignificantotherstogetwhat we want and we don’t get what we want, we get frustrated. We feelmisunderstood and can go as far as feeling unloved when we communicatewithoutgettingtheresultswewanted.Here’ssomesageadvice: trysubvertingyourself-interesttocommunicatewithyourmanasheis.Okay,thismaysounda littlevagueat first so I’ll explain. Ifyou try tocommunicatewithyourmanwith theexpectation thathe’llbeable tounderstandyouperfectly,youwillbefrustrated. Ifyou try tocommunicatewithyourmanexpectinghim tobe fullyreasonableall the time,youwillbe frustrated. Ifyou try tocommunicatewithyourmanexpectinghimtojust“getyou”,youwillbefrustrated.

Thefirststeptoeffectivecommunicationwithamanstartsbyacceptinghimtheway he is now, in the present, and this includes accepting the way hecommunicates at the moment. If you get into a heated argument or conflictexpecting and wishing he communicated better, you’re already setting up abarriertoyourownhappinessandmakingitevenmoredifficulttolovehimjustthewayheis.Iknowitsoundstough,butbelieveme;youcannotsolveconflictby resisting reality. Accepting how he communicates means that you’re not

relyingonhis ability tounderstandyou foryourownhappiness.Whenyou’renotreliantonhisunderstandingyou’refreetolovehimasheis,flawsandall,whileworkingthroughtheissuestoreachasensibleconclusion.

68

Speakyourmindandupholdyourboundarieslikeawell-refinedqueen,notanuncouthcommoner.

Oneofthesexiestthingsintheworldisawomanwhoknowshowtospeakhermindanddefendherpersonalboundaries in a firm,but respectfulway. It is ararequalityamongwomen,andmenrecognizethiskindoffemininegraceandadoreit.Whenamanstepsoutoflinewithyouorsimplyisn’trespectingyou,whether it isyourco-worker,boyfriend,husband,etc.,youhave threeoptions.First,youcandonothing,whichisperhapstheworstthingyoucando.Secondchoiceis,youcanactlikeanuncivilizedruffianandriskruiningarelationship.Third choice is, you can respond like awomanwho’s above pettiness and sethimstraightwithtactanddiplomacy.Thethirdchoiceis themostdifficultbutmostworthit.

Men,eventhemanyoulove,willsometimesneedtoberemindedofwhereyoustand and what you’re capable of. No one’s perfect, and he’s going to makemistakesduetoprideand/orignorance.Whenthishappens,respectyourselfandrespect him by handling himwith grace. For example, let’s say you and yourmanarevisitingyourhometownandheinsiststhatheknowswherehe’sgoingeventhoughyou’reprettysurehe’slost.Thekidsareinthebackgettingrestlessandeveryone’shungryandtired.Ifyourfirstattemptsathelpinghimfailduetohispride,stubbornness,orignorance,sethimstraightbytellinghimsomethinglike:“Honey,thekidsarehungry,we’reburningunnecessaryfuel,andIknowyou’re tired.This ismyhometownandIknow itverywell. I think itwouldbe

wiseforyoutotakeadvantageofwhatIknowinthisinstance.”That’samuchmoreattractiveandevenmoredignifiedresponsethen,“Dave,you’reanidiot.You’relostandyouknowit.YoushouldjustlistentowhatIhavetosayinsteadofbeingsostubbornall thetime.”Onceagain,it’sthesamesituationbutwithtwocompletelydifferentresponsesthatwillgetyoucompletelydifferentresultsassumingyouhaveareasonableman.

69

UnderstandyourmanFIRST.

Don’t worry; I’m not one of those guys that believe a woman should doeverythinginherpowertopleaseherman.WhateverIsaytoyouIsaythesamethingtoguys,justintheirownlanguage.JustlikeIadvisementhattheyshouldfirstseektounderstandbeforeseekingtobeunderstoodI’madvisingthatyoudotheexactsamething.Byfirstseekingtounderstandthemanthatyouloveandwant, you’ll be in a much better position to respond favorably to him. Yourcommunicationwillbemuchmoreeffectivewhenyouknowhowtomanagehisemotions.Yes,Isaidmanagehisemotions.

As I said inmybook,101ThingsYourDadNeverToldYouAboutMen,menactuallywanttobeinfluencedbythewomentheylove.Butinordertodosoyoumustfirstunderstandhowhethinksandwhatmakeshimtick.So,seekfirst tounderstandbeforedesiringtobeunderstood.Itwillrelievealotofthefrustrationthat’sattachedtotryingtogetyourwaywhencommunicatingwithhim.

70

Don’thesitatewhenyouneedtoapologizetohim.

I’venoticedaninterestingthingaboutsomewomen,especiallytheDaddy’sgirl

types. They are extremely reluctant or even indifferent when it comes toapologizingtothemantheyapparentlylove.Theyseemtohavethisattitudethatsays,“Ifhe’snotawarethatI’mwrong,thenIwon’tsayanythingtohim,andIcertainly won’t give an apology if he doesn’t ask for one.” Are you serious?Please,ladies,ifyouareinthewrongandknowyou’reinthewrong,don’twaitforhimtoapproachyouforanapology.Itcommunicatesthatyou’reindifferenttohisemotionalwell-being,especiallyifhe’sbeenbeatinghimselfupabouttheissue.Yourman doesn’twant to hear your swift and sincere apologies just tobolsterhisegoortojustifyhisinnerneedtodancearoundtheroomandshout,“I’mright, I’mright, I’m finallyRIGHT!”While the latter is admittedlyquitefun,yourswiftandsincereapologyhasahigherpurpose.Weneedtoknowthatyouhaveourbestinterestatheart,andthatifyou’reatfaultyou’rethekindofwomanwho can readily admit it. Don’t wait for him to approach you for anapology.Menloveitwhenawomanisswiftandsincerewithherapologies.Itdisplaysgrace,class,andtheirresistiblebeautyofawomanwho’sabovepetty-mindedness.

71

Givehimhonestandsincereappreciation.

Wheneveryoucan,belavishinyourpraiseandgenerouswithyourappreciation.IsayittowomenallthetimeandI’llsayitagain…mendon’tgetnearlyenoughappreciationthattheydeserve.Comparefather’sdaytomother’sdayandyou’llseeexactlywhatImean.Westerncultureseemstoaccepttheideathatbecauseit’s an honor to be a man, a leader, a provider of the family, etc., we don’trequire lotsofappreciation.Here’s the thing,menwantandcraveappreciationjustasmuchaswomendo,sometimesevenmore.Thedifferenceis,mosttimeswe’renotgoingtocomerightoutandaskforit.Why?Well,becauseitcomesoffasbeingneedy,whichisquiteunattractive.We’dlikeforthewomanwelove

toshoweruswithhonestandsincereappreciationwithoutushavingtoaskforit.

Ofcourse,whenIsay“shower”himwithpraiseIdon’tmeanvaguegeneralitieslike “Honey, you’re so great!” I mean specific appreciation that complimentssomethinguniqueabouthim.Forexample,saying“Thankyoufortakingmeouttonight.You’resucha thoughtfulboyfriend. Iknowyou’vebeenverybusy thismonth,butIreallyappreciatethis”ismuchmorespecific,honest,andsincere.Whenyouverballyexpressyourappreciation, try to recognizehis sacrifice.Agoodmandoesn’tgoaroundcountingthesacrificeshemakesforthosearoundhim,butthatdoesn’tmeanhe’saversetohavingatleastsomeofthosesacrificesrecognized,especiallybythewomanheloves.Womenwhoexudegratitudearehighly attractive because they’re easier to please and find contentment in thesmallest of gestures. Men adore women that verbally express their gratitudebecauseitmakesthemfeelvalued.Themoreamanfeelsappreciatedtheeasieritisforhimtowanttocontinuemakingyouhappy.Heknowsthatyou’llnever(or rarely) takehimforgrantedand thatnomatterhow imperfecthe is,you’llalwaystreasurethelittlethingshedoestomakeyouhappy.

72

Lethimlead.

Whenagoodwomanisangrywithherhusbandorboyfriend,chancesarehe’snot leading the way he’s supposed to. I hold the traditional view that a manshouldlovehiswomanwithpassionandleadherwithcompassion.It’sanobleidealthatmanyguyswanttofollow,butthey’rebeingmetwithstrongresistancefromwomenwhoeitherrefusethisviewoftheworldorwhojustdon’trealizethat they’resabotagingtheirman’sefforts. Icanonlyspeakonbehalfofhigh-qualitymenhere,andbelievemewhenIsaythatmenlikethisprefertobewitha woman who lets them lead.When I say “let him lead” I mean don’t be ahindrancetohisinnatedesiretolead.Ifanything,communicateyoursupportof

his leadership. And when he fails to do so (as he will at times), use yourfemininegracetoinfluencehimtobeabetterman.

Becausesomewomengrewup inbrokenhomesorhad less-than-noble fathersthey’re not used to seeing examples of women helping their men to leadeffectively.Andwhile feminismmayhavedonesomegood insociety, theby-products of the movement have left many women confused or even flat outrebellioustothethoughtof lettingamanlead,especiallyinarelationship.I’mnothere toconvinceyouotherwise,but Iwill tellyouexactlyhowmen think.Thefactremains;high-qualitymenwon’tfightawomanforleadership.They’lleither move on to a woman who’s more supportive of them, or they’ll leadwithoutyoursupport.

73

Maintainatenderheart.

Bequicktoforgiveanddon’tholdgrudgesagainstthemanyoulove.That’sit.Whilethisdoesn’tseemlikeacommunicationstrategyitmaybethesinglemostimportantpoint to remember in thisbookasyoucommunicatewithyourman.The grudges you hold against your husband or boyfriend WILL becommunicated in oneway or another. Snide remarks, undermining comments,and cold body language are all signs of an unforgiving attitude. If you’remarried,keepthesoftestspotinyourheartforyourhusband.I’mnotsayingtoletthemgetawaywithmurder,butIamsayingthatyoumustbewillingtolovethemwithoutfear.

Whensomeonedoesorsayssomething tohurtus, it’snatural forus toputupourdefenses.Justlikehowacallusformstoprotectasensitiveareaoftheskin,wecanformcallusesoftheheart(cueinthecheesymusic).Insteadofformingemotionalcalluses trynot tocount thewrongsyourhusbanddoesagainstyou.

Evenifyou’redating,solongasyourboyfriendtreatsyouwithloveandrespectmoreoftenthannot,learntoforgivethethingshedoeswrong.Learningtodosoistoughbusiness,andit’spivotaltoablissfulrelationship.Aperfectlovecountsnowrongsdoneagainstitandthereforehasnothingtofear.

74

Keepanunshakablesenseofhumor.

When communicating with your man starts to tax your sanity, remember toexerciseyoursenseofhumor.You’llmakemistakes,he’llmakemistakes,andsometimesnobodyisgoingtogetthroughtoanybody.Whenthathappens,laughwith him or with yourself. If he’s a reasonable guy, chances are he’ll catchhimself in the act of losing control and hemay burst out laughing at his ownidiocy. Laugh with him. If he’s having a jolly old laugh at how stupid theargument is,don’t lookathimallangry-likewithoneeyebrowraisedandsay,“Oh,soyouthinkthisisfunnyhuh?”Chancesare,mostoftheminorstuffisjustthat…minorstuff.Don’tsweatthesmallstuffanddon’tbesoserious.Afterall,we’reallonlyhuman.

75

Adoptan“I’mresponsibleformyownhappiness”approachtorelatingwithmen.

IsavedthiscommunicationsecretforlastbecauseIreallywantthisconcepttosinkinandtransformyourentireapproachtolovingaman.Thethingis,there’ssomethingveryinterestingInoticeaboutrelationships.Theyaredesignedmoreforgivingratherthanreceiving,andthecoupleswho“makeit”andwhoflourishblissfully as the years go by are thosewho live by that principle.Yes,we all

know on a conscious level that we should focusmore on the giving than thereceiving,butletmeshowyoujusthowtaintedoursubconsciousattitudesmaybetowardslivingthisprinciple.

IfIgaveyousomethingthatmadeyouhappywithoutneedinganythinginreturnfrom you at that moment, what happens? You feel happy because you gotsomething free (you feel special), and I feelhappierbecause Igaveoutof thegoodnessofmyheart. I grow in intrinsic, spiritual value (high-character), yougrowfonderofmebecauseImadeyoufeelspecial,andnowmyvalue toyouhasincreased,i.e.Bruceisareallygenerousguy.

Think of how this applies to relationships. The more you can give to yourbeloved without needing anything in return, the higher your intrinsic valuebecomesandthelessattachedyouaretoneedingsomethinginreturn.Yougrowinspiritualstrengthasyourpeaceofmindgrowslessdependentonthebehaviorofotherpeople.

ItappearsthatGoddesignedusinsuchawaythatwebecomemorevaluableandevendesirabletoothersasourspiritualstrengthincreases.Thereforetogrowinspiritualvalue(grace,generosity,patience,etc.)themostimportantrelationshipsforawomantohaveare theoneswithherCreatorandalsohowsherelates toherself (self-respect/esteem). When the foundations of your happiness are nolonger linked tohowaman treatsyou, itbecomesa thousand timeseasier foryoutocommunicatewithhiminalovingway.

If you refuse to suffer (be unhappy) when your husband or boyfriend doessomethingthatdispleasesyou,whathappens?Youacceptthemforwhotheyareand you’re less apt to become unhappywhen he says or does something thatfrustratesyou.Butisn’tmymansupposedtomakemehappy?Yesandno.Yes,yourman should be addingmore happiness to your life, but no,his behaviorshould not dictate the quality of your peace of mind. The moment a man’sbehavior either makes or breaks your day, you’re in problems. If just about

everythinghedoesintherelationshipdictatesyourhappiness,youwon’tbeabletolovehimunconditionally.

To love a man, flaws and all, is to accept him as he is, without any hiddenagenda or strings attached.With full acceptance of who and what he is, youimmediately improve your ability to communicatewith him because now youcanrespondtohisdispleasingbehaviorswithunconditionallove.THISiswhatmakesawomangraceful.Themomentawomandoesn’tneedamantobeonhisbestbehaviorjustsoshecanbehappy,shebecomesFARmoreattractivetohim.Why?Wellforone,hesubconsciouslyrealizesthatthepressureisoffofhim,sohefeelsmoredecisiveaboutpleasingyou.Andtwo,healsorealizesthathemustnowprovehisvaluetoyou.Readthatlastparagraphagain.

Awomanwho is content regardless ofwhat’s going on around her is ofhighvaluebecauseshe’snotneedy.Menwantwomenofhighvalue,andmenknowthatOTHERmenwantwomenofhighvalue.Whenyouhavehighvalue asawoman,nomanwantstoloseyou,andallofasuddentheverythingsheusedtodo(ornotdo)tomakeyouunhappyhe’llwanttochangeinordertoprovehisworthtoyou.Ifyoulearnhowtoberesponsibleforyourownhappiness,amanwilleitherrespondfavorablybybecomingabetterman(toprovehisworth),oryou’ll attract a betterman (who recognizes yourworth). In short, you cannotlose.Trustme,Icanhonestlysaythatasaman...weloveprovingourworthtoawomanwho’sworthit.

FinalThoughts

Iwon’tlietoyou,changingthewayyoucommunicateishardwork.Butinallhonesty, it isn’t supposed to be an overnight change. As you apply thesecommunication techniques to your relationships with men, over time you’llbegintoseefavorablechangesinhowmenrespondtoyou.Ishouldalsopointoutthatmenaren’tlookingforperfectwomen.Wedon’texpectyoutoalwayscommunicateperfectly.Wedon’texpectyoutoalwayssaytherightthingtousattherighttimeandintherightway.Youwillmakemistakes,andregardlessofhowmanymistakesyoumake,agoodmanwill loveyouregardless.Buteventhesmallestimprovementsinhowyoucommunicatehavethepotentialtoelicitradicalchangesinthemanyoudateorrelatewith.

Communicating gracefully with men is something that you get better at overtimeanditmakesyoufarmoreirresistibletheolderyouget.MaturebeautyandinnergracearetremendouslyattractiveandRAREinawoman.Youngerwomenwho learn how to apply these communication secrets earlier onwill find theirrelationshipswithmenmuchmorefavorable(andsuperior)thantheirpeers.Andolderwomenwhomastertheseprincipleswilloftenfindthatthey’reabletograbtheattentionofmenofALLages.

At the end of the day, all aman reallywants is to be understood and shownrespect.But I also realize that it’s a twoway street, and nowoman can standbeingrespectfultoamanthatactsunlovingindefinitely.Therealityis,ifyou’redatingamanwhomoreoften thannot,actsunloving towardsyou, I’dsuggestthatyoutryoutthetechniquesinthisbookforaboutthreemonths,consistently.

Ifafterthreemonthsyoudon’tseeanypositivechangesinthewayhetreatsyou,get rid of him and move on. While you’re still unmarried you have a greatopportunitytofindamanworthyofunconditionalrespect.Ontheotherhand,ifyou’re already married, I suggest something similar except with one smallchange. Try out these communication techniqueswith your husband for threemonthsstraight,consistently,andmaintainapositiveattitudeasyouhopeforachange. If after three months you don’t see ANY positive improvements, I’dsuggestyoubothattendmarriagecounseling.Anythingworthcommitting to isworthsaving.

I wrote this book because I honestly feel that open communication isridiculously important to the well-being of any relationship. It’s whencommunicationbreaksdownbetweenamanandawomanthat thingsbegin togo downhill. If you can’t get through to him and vice versa, no one willunderstand anyone and feelings of discontentwill slowly fill your heartswithresentment.Butyoucanavoidthataltogetherbyharnessingyournaturalabilityto influencemen. If you can overcomeyour own insecurities, hesitations, andnegativebeliefsaboutunconditionallyrespectingaman,you’lltapintoasourceoffemininepowerthatthemasculinecannotresist.Mencravemoretenderness,patience, and queen-like assertiveness in thewomen they love, and they’ll dowhatevertheycantokeepawomanlikethisalltothemselves.Rememberthat.

Bytheway…Asawayofsaying“thanks”foryourpurchase,I’mofferingafreedatingguidethat’sexclusivetomybookreaders.Thebookiscalled,DatingDealBreakersThatDriveMenAway,andinityou’lldiscoverthemostcommondeal-breaking“redflags”high-qualitymenwatchforwhendatingawoman.

Youcangetithereat:http://www.brucebryans.com/her-free/

Inthisfreeguideyou’llnotonlylearnwhattheseredflagslookliketomen,butalsohow to best avoid them in order to get the guyyouwant andKEEPhiminterested.

Again,here’sthelinktogetitfree:http://www.brucebryans.com/her-free/

AboutBruceBryans

Bruce Bryans is a successful author who has written numerous best-sellingbooks for men and women who want to improve the quality of theirrelationships. After writing for various online publications on the topics ofdatingandrelationships,heranasuccessfulromanceadvicewebsitewherehisinsightful articles and newsletters helped improve people’s love lives one-by-one.

Years later, Bruce decided to focus his time and efforts on writing andpublishing books with easy-to-implement, practical information that had thepotential to reach, and therefore helpmore people.While he doesn’t considerhimself the all-knowing “Yoda” of relationships, he still enjoys sharing thetriumphs(andfailures)ofhislovelifewithanyonewhoenjoysagoodlaughoralifelesson.

Whenheisn’ttuckedawayinsomecornerwritingaliterarymasterpiece(orsohethinks),Brucespendsmostofhistimeengagedinmanlyhobbiesorbeingaromanticnuisancetotheloveofhislife.

Youcanlearnmoreabouthiswritingsandreceiveupdates(andfuturediscounts)onhisbooksbyvisitinghiswebsiteat:www.BruceBryans.com

MostRecommendedBooksbyBruceBryans:

The7IrresistibleQualitiesMenWantInAWoman:WhatHigh-QualityMenSecretlyLookForWhen

Choosing“TheOne”

In The 7 Irresistible Qualities Men Want In A Woman, you’ll find out thefeminine qualities that commitment ready, high-quality men look for whenchoosingalong-termmate.

ClickheretocheckitoutonKindle:http://amzn.to/1aj29LA

101ThingsYourDadNeverToldYouAboutMen:TheGood,Bad,AndUglyThingsMenWantAndThink

AboutWomenAndRelationships

In101 Things YourDadNever Told YouAboutMen, you’ll learnwhat high-quality men want from women and what they think about love, sex, andromance.You’lllearnhowtoseducethemanyouwantorcaptivatethemanyoulovebecauseyou'llknowexactlywhatmakeshimtick.

ClickheretocheckitoutonKindle:http://amzn.to/Xb0Eej

MakeHimBEGForYourAttention:75CommunicationSecretsForCaptivatingMenAndGettingTheLoveAndCommitmentYouDeserve

InMakeHimBEGForYourAttention,you’lldiscoverhowtotalktoamanso

thathelistenstoyou,opensuptoyou,andgivesyouwhatyouwantwithoutafuss.

ClickheretocheckitoutonKindle:http://amzn.to/18RvTlj

101ReasonsWhyHeWon’tCommitToYou:TheSecretFears,Doubts,AndInsecuritiesThatPrevent

MostMenFromGettingMarried

In 101 Reasons Why He Won’t Commit To You, you’ll learn about the mostcommonfears,doubts,andinsecuritiesthatparalyzemenandpreventthemfrommakingtheleapfromboyfriendtohusband.

ClickheretocheckitoutonKindle:http://amzn.to/13YsISI

NeverChaseMenAgain:38DatingSecretsToGetTheGuy,KeepHimInterested,AndAvoidDead-End

Relationships

InNeverChaseMenAgain,you’lllearnhowtogettheguyyouwant,trainhimto pursue you, and avoid dead-end or even “dead-on-arrival” relationships bybeingmoreassertiveandcommunicatinghigh-valuetothemenyoudate.

ClickheretocheckitoutonKindle:http://amzn.to/1LpXk52

He’sNotThatInterested,He’sJustPassingTime:40UnmistakableBehaviorsOfMenWhoAvoidCommitmentAndPlayGamesWithWomen

InHe’sNotThatInterested,He’sJustPassingTime,you’lllearnhowtoreadaman’sbehaviorinordertotellifheREALLYwantstohavearelationshipwith

youorifhe’sjustleadingyouonandcompletelywastingyourtime.

ClickheretocheckitoutonKindle:http://amzn.to/1j7NzjP

SendHimASignal:61SecretsForIndicatingInterestAndAttractingTheAttentionOfHigherQualityMen

InSendHimASignal,you’lllearnthesubtlesignsoffemaleinterestthatenticesmen to pursue awoman and also how to becomemore approachable to high-qualityguys.

ClickheretocheckitoutonKindle:http://amzn.to/1saYkPh

MoreGreatBooksbyBruceBryans:

Ifyouhaveaspecialguyinyourlifethatcoulduseabitmorewisdomwhenitcomes to dating and relatingwithwomen, you should sweetly suggest that hecheckoutsomeofmybooks.Actually,evenifYOUwant to learnaboutwhatguysarelearningaboutwhenitcomestounderstandingwomen,perusethroughmyotherbookslistedbelow.

AttractTheRightGirl:TheOfficialGuideForFindingYourDreamGirlAndBeingTheManSheCan’tResist

InAttract TheRightGirl, you'll discover how to find and choose an amazinggirlfriend(who’sperfectforyou)andhowtosparkthekindofattractionthat’llleadtoalong-termrelationshipwithher.

ClickheretocheckitoutonKindle:http://amzn.to/REfCVS

FindYourPath:AShortGuideToLivingWithPurposeAndBeingYourOwnMan…NoMatterWhatPeople

Think

InFindYourPath,you'lldiscoverhowtofindyourmissioninlifeandhowtobecomeamuchmoreself-assuredmanofpurposeandinnerconviction.

ClickheretocheckitoutonKindle:http://amzn.to/14EZzwr

HowToBeABetterBoyfriend:TheRelationshipManualForBecomingMr.RightAndMakingA

WomanHappy

InHowToBeABetterBoyfriend,you'lldiscoverhowtocultivatearock-solid,mind-blowing, romantic relationship with your dream girl, and what to do toavoidallthedrama,badgirlfriendbehavior,andgameplayingthatmany“niceguys”oftenfallpreytoinrelationships.

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HowToGetYourWifeInTheMood:QuickAndEasyTipsForSeducingYourWifeAndMakingHerBEG

YouForSex

InHowToGetYourWifeInTheMood,you’lldiscovertherelationshipsecretsusedbysomeofthemostblissfulcouplesintheworldaswellasromantichacksthat’llhelpyoutogetallthesexyouwantfromyourwifeandmakeitseemlikeitwasallHERidea.

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MeetHerToKeepHer:The10BiggestMistakesThatPreventMostGuysFromAttractingAndKEEPINGAn

AmazingGirlfriend

InMeetHer ToKeepHer, you'll learn the ten datingmistakes that stopmostguys fromattractingandkeepinga ‘Total10girlfriend’ andhow toovercomethem.

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WhatWomenWantInAMan:HowToBecomeTheAlphaMaleWomenRespect,Desire,AndWantTo

SubmitTo

InWhatWomenWantInAMan,you’lllearnhowtobecomeahigh-quality,self-confident man that can naturally attract a good woman, maintain her sexualattractiontoyou,andkeepherhappy(andrespectful)inarelationship.

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ThankYou

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Iknowyoucouldhavepickedfromdozensofbooksonunderstandingmen,butyou tookachanceonmyguideandfor that I’mextremelygrateful.So thanksagainfordownloadingthisbookandreadingallthewaytotheend.

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OneLastThing…

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BruceBryans

KindleStore:http://www.amazon.com/author/brucebryans