KYM Sample Chapter

8/3/2019 KYM Sample Chapter

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Sample Chapter Keep Your Marriage:

What to Do When Your Spouse Says

I dont love you anymore!

By Nancy Wasson, Ph.D. and Lee Hefner

Copyright 2011 Adesso Media All Rights Reserved

www.KeepYourMarriage.com


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Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says I dont love youanymore! -- Sample Chapter

Copyright 2011 Adesso Media, All Rights ReservedTo Purchase the Entire Book go to www.KeepYourMarriage.com

1

We hope that you will find this information helpful in taking the first steps to

save your marriage.

Your goals boil down to doing two things: keeping your marriage together and

improving it. You wont have the first thing without the other for very long.

The very fact that your spouse made an announcement has upset the status

quo. The statement, I dont love you anymore has challenged you to do

something differently in your marriage. Otherwise you risk losing it.

What you have before you is a great opportunity to become the bridge to a

new marriage. Its also an opportunity to discover inner strength you may nothave known you had and to deepen your faith and commitment to your marriage.

If theres one idea wed like you to take away with you today, its the idea that

small steps lead to great progress. And if you can take small steps toward

improvement in yourself, that just might be enough to change the dynamics

between you and your spouse.

May the spirit of love bless your life in every way.

With Compassion and Love,

Nancy Wasson and Lee Hefner

Greetings

Were glad to meet you. Thank you for

downloading this sample chapter of our book,

Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When

Your Spouse Says I dont love you

anymore! Feel free to share this with your

friends and famil , also.


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Introduction

Please help us, Dr. Wasson , pleaded Tony, the man sitting across from meduring a counseling session. M y wife Julie says she doesnt know if she really

loves me or not .

His voice cracked as he continued, She says that she loves me like a friend,

but that she doesnt love me romantically anymore. She loves me, but she isnt

IN love with me. That doesnt even make sense. I dont understand .

Tony paused for a moment to wipe away the tears. I dont know how to

handle this. Julie wants to move out for awhile until she can figure out how she

feels. What should I do ?

._______________________________________________________.

This anecdote is typical of Nancys experience with numerous couples in

counseling through the years. Its a situation that drives many a spouse to misery

and despair.

Like Tony and Julie and so many others, are you a spouse who has been

blindsided by an unhappy partner who suddenly announces, I dont love you

anymore or Im leaving? Are you now wondering if you can save your

marriage?

With the words I dont love you anymore, a marriage can be split wide open,

along with the heart of the mate who may not have suspected that anything was

wrong. If this has just happened to you, you know the kind of heartbreak and

devastating pain that were talking about. And since youre reading this book, our

guess is that youre asking yourself Can my marriage be saved?In the midst of profound confusion, disbelief, and shock, spouses in this

situation find that its impossible to think clearly. You may find that endless

questions haunt you during every waking hour. What should you do next? What


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Survive the current crisis and buy time

Eliminate behaviors that can drive your partner away

Define what it is that you really want with and for your spouse.

Lay the groundwork with your spouse so that you can connect better. Develop skills that will help you deepen the intimacy in your marriage.

The actions that you choose to take now in relating to and communicating with

your spouse can directly affect whether or not she heads straight to divorce court

or slows down enough to reconsider. Appendix A in the back of the book gives a

summary of the ten action steps to take to keep your marriage.

Even if you are dissatisfied and disheartened about your current relationship

with your spouse, there is always hope. There are specific things we share in this

book that you can do right now to impact the quality of your bond with your mate.

By keeping positive and by taking constructive action, you are putting yourself in

the best possible place for good things to happen for you and your husband or

wife.


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SECTION I: Understand What Youre Dealing With

It is our desire to be happy, to be loved, and to have fulfilling lives. We all have

high hopes at the beginning of our marriage. Didnt you? You probably gotthrough the honeymoon phase of your marriage in relative bliss, and then life

happened.

People get caught up in work, conflicts, and fatigue. Couples drift apart for a

multitude of reasons. And now, youve gotten some disturbing news from your

spouse that lets you know your marriage is in jeopardy. Youre probably in shock.

How do we know that? Since youre reading this page, youre probably like

millions of troubled spouses every year who have been blindsided by a similar

emotional ambush. And so youre asking yourself, How did my marriage get to

this point?

Perhaps theres something in your relationship that got off track that you cant

quite put your finger on. Thats the aim of this section it starts out helping you

deal with managing your confused emotions. Then well give you essential

information thatll get you started getting a firm grasp of what to do to save your

marriage. This is the first step toward relighting the flame of passion thats

missing right now. And thats what you really want, isnt it? For now, just hang on,have faith, and keep on reading. Help is on the way.


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CHAPTER 1: How Will You Handle This Challenge?

Why Acceptance of the Situation Is Critical to Restoring Your Marriage

Security. In a marriage, the word connotes the emotional rewards of closeness

and intimacy. It means not having to be alone. It can also represent freedom from

financial crisis.

You can feel secure from having a partner to be with, to do things with, and to

share life with. And in contrast, when your marriage is threatened, it feels like

your security is jeopardized in every area of your life.

It can seem like the end of the world when a spouse says I dont love you

anymore or Im leaving. Especially if you didnt see it coming. Youve probably

found that the shock waves affect every aspect of your life, and now you may be

wondering if you can keep your footing.

Does it seem like your marriage is falling apart in front of your eyes, and there

doesnt seem to be anything you can do to stop it?

This and other reactions are common. There are many others like you whove

experienced these same feelings. Their responses to the crisis vary from

resignation, to despair, to anger, or to a desire to do anything to save themarriage. And their success in keeping their relationship is greatly influenced by

the attitude they bring to the task.

One of the most common difficulties that the surprised spouse has is to accept

the partners feelings. You may say to your spouse, I cant believe you feel that

way. After all Ive done for you! What about that vacation we just got back from?

What about your favorite dinner I just treated you to?

Often the blindsided partner will try to talk his mate out of having the feelings

that have finally bubbled to the surface and now threaten the marriage. Such

efforts to change the mind of the partner are futile and are destined to fail. Why?

Because there is a history of unhappiness behind the words. And any argument,

no matter how convincing, cannot change history.


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What Is Acceptance?

There was a tennis player on a college team whose coach had told her that

her serve needed practice. But she refused to accept and act on the coachsfeedback. Again, her coach implored her to work on her technique after she

spiraled into a losing streak. Clearly, her career on the court would be short-lived

unless she took her coachs advice to heart. Finally after losing another match to

an archrival in a tournament, the coach issued an ultimatum. The player would

either have to do what it took to improve or leave the team.

This athlete finally came to accept what her problem was poor technique on

her serves. Before that, shed been unwilling to do the necessary work to

enhance her performance. But once she had accepted the situation as it was,

she was able to move forward and improve her game.

A marriage is much the same way. Sometimes one partner may ignore or

minimize the feedback from the other for a time. This time may often stretch into

years. And the frustration builds like pressure in a pressure cooker. Until finally a

limit is passed and an ultimatum is issued. The offending spouse must change

behavior or else the frustrated partner will leave the marriage.

At this point, a history of dissatisfaction has built up on the side of the spousethreatening to leave. Whether the surprised partner considers the reasons given

to be valid or not doesnt alter the fact that the unhappiness exists.

Accept the Situation for What It Is

The first thing the surprised spouse must do is accept the situation as a given.

This doesnt mean he has to agree with his mates reasons. Nor does it

necessarily mean accepting the partner at her word if she says that shes

leaving.


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It does mean that he needs to accept the fact that his spouse is unhappy and

has been unhappy for some time. If you can buy this description as fitting your

situation, youve just made a positive step forward. Because you have to

understand the dynamics of your present relationship before you can improve it.It means that emotional communication between you and your spouse has

been faulty and she believes that you havent been meeting some of her basic

needs.

Perhaps youre thinking, But it doesnt make sense! I thought everything

between us was at least O.K. And then she drops this bombshell on me. I dont

understand. Of course you dont. But dont worry. In this book well help you get

a grip on how to maximize your chances of saving your marriage and what steps

to take to do it.

And you need to accept your spouses discontent if you want to positively

influence the disastrous turn your marriage is taking. Dont worry if you disagree

with the reasons she gives you for being unhappy. Whatever you do, dont fall

into the trap of arguing or telling her shes wrong. Her perception is her reality

and is the basis for her feelings and the decisions she makes. So your first job is

to understand what her perception of your relationship is.

Marriage partners continuously give each other feedback on a variety of issues. But the success of the relationship will depend on the quality of the

feedback and on the response to it. Communication between the two people

must first be honest. But honest feedback that elicits an inadequate reply leads to

frustration.

At this point you may be thinking, Now you tell me this! But its too late. Hes

about to walk out on me any day now, and youre lecturing me on

communicating.

We understand. One step at a time. Your job right now is to survive this initial

emotional shock youve just experienced. Dont worry about tomorrow now. Well

tell you how to get through today first.


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Feel Your Feelings

The first thing youll have to do is to manage your emotions. Dont try to blockor medicate them out. Some spouses resort to alcohol or drugs to numb

themselves to the emotional pain. They dont want to feel the intense emotions of

anger, despair or rejection that came with their partners announcement.

Accept your feelings. Realize also that in spite of your spouses present

unhappiness with your marriage, there very well could be a great opportunity not

only to save the marriage but to make it better. You may not believe it now, but

even painful and negative emotions can have a positive benefit if they lead to

changes that improve your marriage and your life.

Intense emotions can wash over you like a tidal wave. First the crest of the

wave hits you and you are smashed by the tremendous pressure and weight of

water above you. Eventually the wave subsides, but you have to survive the

immediate impact first.

You might feel nauseated, dizzy, helpless, and overwhelmed. Either you cant

sleep or you find yourself sleeping more than usual. You might not be able to eat

at all or you might gorge on everything in sight.The situation can feel unreal and disorienting. People who have sudden

emotional shocks like this know what is happening on a literal level, but on

another level it can seem that its happening to someone else. If you feel numb

and too paralyzed to take action, dont worry about it for now. The crest of the

wave is passing over you now and the worst of it will pass. Have faith that youll

be O.K.


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Blowing Up Wont Save Your Marriage

Nancy has seen clients throw a fit when they got the news from the unhappyspouse. But just as a raging bull can destroy a china shop, unleashed fury can

irreparably ruin any chance of patching things up.

Try to contain your reaction within bounds. Yes, thats easier said than done,

but try not to blow up. Explosions never hold anything together. Especially in a

marriage.

And in spite of the intensity of your feelings, dont jump to any conclusion

about what the future holds for your marriage. Its too soon to know. One thing is

certain though. At this point nothing is etched in stone. Your spouses declaration

of unhappiness is serious but it doesnt have to be the end of your relationship. It

is, however, a wakeup call to you. It means that you have to take positive action

if you dont want him to walk out the door.

Sure, your emotions may run the gamut from anger to resignation. You might

feel confused, anxious, fearful, sad, or despairing. Or you may find yourself

consumed with rage and feel that your spouse has betrayed you. You may feel

like a basket case with fluctuating emotions and wide swings in mood. You canfeel all this. But know that theres still hope for you and dont give up now.


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Whatever your unique reaction is, know that its normal to feel overwhelmed

by a bevy of emotions. To take care of yourself, draw an imaginary circle around

yourself and decide who you want to let into your intimate circle at this time. Put

everything that you can on hold and pull in emotionally. Youll need all your

strength and energy to focus on the crisis at hand.

What To Do When Youre Feeling Overwhelmed.

One of the most challenging attitudes to maintain in time of crisis is also

the most rewarding. It is captured in the Serenity Prayer as used by 12-step

recovery groups:

God, grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change

the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

This prayer reminds us of the extent and limits of personal control. Dont

sweat the things you cant change. Instead practice acceptance. Youll be

amazed at the reward you get back in serenity. And then, focus on thethings that are in your power to truly influence. This includes yourself your

attitude about your marriage and your life and your motivation to take risks

and get out of your comfort zone.

The lesson for you is that you have some control over yourself and your

reaction to events in your life. But you have no direct control over the

thoughts and emotions of your spouse. And if you can accept things as they

are now, youll be in a better position to change them for the better.


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How Are You Handling Your Marriage Crisis Right Now?

How do you act when something very valuable to you is threatened? If you

dont know if you can save it, what do you do? Do you give up? Get angry? Get

stuck in anxiety? We all react to shock and stress in different ways, depending on

our unique personalities.

Our actual reaction depends not on what happens to us. Rather we react

based on our interpretation of what happens to us and what we believe it means.

One mans wife might announce that she wants a divorce. His unconscious

belief is that his wife is leaving him because he is inadequate and this means that

hes not a good person. And therefore, hes not lovable or attractive. So he reacts

with rage, because he feels threatened.

Another husband might react with sympathy and concern for his wife. He

might believe that the wife is under stress and needs emotional support. He asks

himself if his excessive hours at the office have driven a wedge between them.

He reaches out to her to try to reestablish a connection.

These are two very different reactions. And each response will produce itsown outcome in a marriage.

Dont Hasten a Result You Dont Want

Its important to realize that an extreme emotional reaction from you could

push your spouse to leave the marriage. Dont blast him with questions. Dont

overpower him with rage. Yes, you may feel justified to act in these ways. But be

careful with behaviors that could shatter your chances for marital recovery.

Chapter 4 has a more complete list of things you should never do if you want to

keep your marriage. For now, just repeat to yourself Go slow and take it easy.


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Later in this book well cover ways you can be proactive if you want to keep

your relationship with your spouse. For now, dont give up hope. Instead summon

up the courage to face the situation and your fears. Confide in a counselor or a

minister for emotional support. If you want to save your relationship, theres oftena way. But meanwhile, make sure you dont blow your chances.

Take comfort in the fact that well offer you many tools and techniques that will

help you get through this difficult period.

Four Different Reactions to a Crisis Situation.

As you read this section, consider what the consequences of each of the

following four reactions are. Doing so will help you decide which course to follow

to give you the result that you want. If the choice you made initially is not helping

your situation, its not too late to make a change.

1. Throw in the Towel

Your initial response may be to look at your marriage as being like the broken

Humpty Dumpty egg that splattered on the ground. In the nursery rhyme, nobodycould put Humpty Dumpty back together again, and you may think this is the

case with your marriage.

A key question to ask yourself at this point is if, in your heart of hearts, you

really feel that there are redeeming qualities in your relationship that, in spite of

everything, are worth saving. If your answer is yes, then you have something to

fight for.

Maybe your spouse has betrayed you. Perhaps your pride is hurt, or you

assume that your spouses mind is made up. Maybe youre upset, and in your

anger or fear, you feel like cutting off the relationship.

But if this is your response, you may be judging prematurely and missing the

creative potential of the situation. Remember that while initial emotions often


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subside, a marriage ending in divorce usually has consequences that last a

lifetime. This is especially true if children are involved. If there is anything good

about your relationship with your spouse, wouldnt it make sense to explore ways

to save it?Often pride is at stake when a husband or wife rushes to end the relationship,

especially if the spouse has cheated. A sense of shame and embarrassment

becomes a factor and clouds judgement. The wronged partner may especially

feel pressured when friends or family find out what has happened and start giving

advice.

Yet, many times what appears broken or ruined can be transformed into

something even better. And the situation can even be a catalyst for transforming

yourself for the better as well.

Dont give in to discouragement and despair too soon. If you do youll never

know how things might have turned out. The what ifsWhat if we had really

tried to make it work? or What if we had gone for counseling?will haunt you.

2. Ride and Rope em Cowboy

Another initial response is to try to control the situation. You may try to lasso

your partner by figuratively throwing a rope around her neck to keep her fromleaving. You may see this as a contest of asserting your strength and control

over your partner in order to win.

But in this scenario, if one partner wins, the other must lose. And the loser will

carry resentment that will come back to haunt the relationship. Instead a healthy,

loving marriage has to be a win-win situation, instead of win-lose. One of the

problems in your marriage if you think in terms of win-lose could be that your

spouse feels like shes on the losing end too often.

Out of the hundreds of couples who have sought marriage counseling from

Nancy, control issues are one of the leading causes of conflict in a marriage.

When this happens, one of the partners habitually tries to dictate how the other


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negatives, is the feeling you have that he has betrayed you in a deeply personal

way. You feel that you dont deserve such treatment and that he is nothing but

an ungrateful jerk.

As a counselor, Nancy has observed numerous situations that escalated intoopen warfare in a relationship. When this happens, the outraged spouse

badmouths her partner to anyone who will listen. She makes a concentrated

effort to share his faults with as many family members, friends, neighbors, co-

workers, and other acquaintances as possible. She may call her spouse every

horrible name in the book as she continues on her mission to ruin his life.

If you have chosen this reaction, you are in the process of killing any chance

that your marriage can be repaired. You are also choosing to focus on your

spouses shortcomings while you are unaware of your own. In addition, if you

have children, you are creating emotional pain and suffering for them.

And yet, if you are starting to understand that creating an enemy is

counterproductive to wooing a lover, and if you have a sincere desire to change,

there are steps you can take.

The first step is to find an experienced counselor or psychologist and enter

intensive therapy so that you can rein in your anger before you cause more

devastation. The second step is to change your focus from dwelling on your spouses faults to carefully examining your own. Then, when you are in a

calmer, more balanced and humble state, you can offer your sincere apologies to

your spouse and to those you talked to about him.

Can you repair the damage? It wont be easy, but theres no way to know for

sure unless you try. One thing is for sure, though. If you dont change your

destructive mentality, youre likely to repeat the same behavior in a future

relationship. And this is a recipe for a string of failed relationships. Do you really

want that?


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4. Bounce Back Like a Rubber Ball

This fourth response involves hardiness and resiliencethe ability to bounce

back from adversity. In this scenario, at first you are thrown off balance likeeverybody else. Your emotions rage like a storm.

But before long, you let the tempest subside. You are regrouping and putting

resources in place that will help you make it through this unfamiliar, scary

territory. You are frightened because youre facing the unknown. This is where

you call up your hidden resources of courage. You feel fear but you muster the

internal fortitude to face it.

Its much easier to find that internal strength if you can reach out and find help

that will make facing the situation easier. Resilient individuals dont hesitate to let

others know when they need extra support. They accept assistance gracefully

and gratefully, from whatever direction that support comes.

Help can come in many forms. These resources may include supportive

family members and friends, helpful neighbors, an understanding boss, kind co-

workers, a trusted minister or therapist, inspirational books, comforting music, or

even a neighborhood gym. Assistance often comes from unexpected directions if

you are open to receiving it.If you decide to react to your marriage crisis by becoming more resilient, then

youll want to avoid people who are pessimistic, or at least limit the time you

spend with them. Instead, you need to surround yourself with positive people

who encourage and energize you. The last thing you need in your life right now is

people who are predicting gloom and doom outcomes or who fan the fires of

resentment and blame.

A hallmark feature of resilient individuals is that if something doesnt work out

the way they expect it to, theyre flexible and will come up with another plan.

They know that there are always different avenues to take.


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To develop a more resilient attitude, adopt as your motto, If theres a way to

do this, Ill find it. Start thinking of yourself as an emotionally hardy person who

can rebound from lifes unexpected blows, no matter what happens.

How You Choose to React Is Up to You.

Its up to you to decide which of these approaches you want to follow. If youve

chosen a response but youre not happy with the results youre getting, you can

choose to change your situation. You dont have to stay stuck in a way of

reacting that isnt working for you or helping your marriage.

Its important to remember that you can choose to change your reaction

anytime you decide to do so. Youre probably familiar with the saying, If you

keep doing what youve always done, youll just get more of the same. You

always have the opportunity to decide how you will react to a situation.

If your first reaction is to give up, you can decide to take a different approach

instead. If a painter doesnt like the colors he has initially picked, he paints over

the canvas and selects different colors. A writer who doesnt like the story shes

writing can decide to start a new story. So can you.

You Create Your Life Every Day

In one sense you are a writer. You are writing the script of your life each and

every day with the decisions and the choices you make. And if you have the

courage to face the truth and admit that what youve been doing has not given

you the results you want, you can change yourself and your own actions.

If youre willing to take responsibility for your behavior, the way will be paved

for positive change in all of your relationships. One of the most powerful

decisions that a spouse can make is to commit to taking responsibility for the

quality of his relationship with his partner.


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We have seen spouses who were successful in developing strong rapport with

their mates even after relations had been very stormy. We asked them how they

kept feelings of hostility and bitterness towards their partners from getting in the

way. The common response is captured in the saying, If its to be, its up to me.These people accepted responsibility for doing whatever it took to improve the

connection with their spouse.

For many partners, it has become too easy to focus on their mates

imperfections. These partners are reluctant to take their share of responsibility for

maintaining a strong connection with their spouse.

You Always Have Options

Viktor Frankl was a Jewish psychiatrist who, during World War II, was placed

in a concentration camp by the Nazis. Frankl later wrote that the main factor that

helped him survive the experience was the recognition that he alone controlled

his attitude. Even when his captors tortured him, Frankl kept his mind focused on

the outcome that he wanted rather than on the experience he was going through

at the time.After the war, in his classic book, Mans Search for Meaning , Frankl described

the basic choice that people have in determining how they react to events in their

lives. The essence of what Frankl said was that no matter what happens, we

always have options in how we choose to respond. So even when it doesnt

seem that you have any options or control, you still have a choice about

somethingthat is, how you react and what your attitude will be.

In facing a marital crisis, most people go through tremendous emotional

stress. When youre stressed, you become hypersensitive to what you perceive

as negative or critical remarks from others, especially a spouse. In a nutshell, its

very easy for your partner to push your buttons at these times. Weve heard

people in this situation say, I try to keep my cool when I talk to her, but she


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makes me lose my temper. In actuality, no one else can make you lose your

temper. That is your choice.

The challenge when youre dealing with the conflict in your marriage, and the

opportunity, is to realize that between the stimulus of your partners criticalremarks and your angry response, theres a gap in which you can make a

decision. You can decide to react defensively, or you can think about your future.

Think about the stakeholders in your relationship yourself, your kids, and your

spouse. Then take responsibility for how you act, and compose your response

accordingly.

The recommendations in this book will assist you in selecting an approach that

will be helpful instead of harmful to your marriage. Keep an open mind as you

read so that you dont automatically reject an idea that might be beneficial. Trust

your intuition and inner wisdom to help you know the best steps for you to take at

this time. And most importantly, keep hope and love alive even in the most

despairing moments.

Quotes for Reflection:

Stand up to your obstacles and do something about them. You will find that

they havent half the strength you think they have. --Norman Vincent Peale

Dont look back in anger, or forward in fear, but around in awareness.

--James Thurber

I dont believe in pessimism.

--Clint Eastwood

I always entertain great hopes.

--Robert Frost


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If You Would Like to Learn More About the Complete Book

And the Seven BonusesKeep Your Marriage:

What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you anymore!" By Nancy Wasson, Ph.D., and Lee Hefner

Don't Waste Your Time On Trial and Error Attempts To Save Your Marriage. Do whatreally works and take action IMMEDIATELY to develop deeper emotional ties with your spouse. Get concrete ideas, valuable insights, and specific suggestions you can usenow.

Click Here to Learn More About the Book and the Seven Free Bonuses:www.KeepYourMarriage.com

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