CVS4U

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WRITTEN FOR STUDENTS, BY STUDENTS

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CHEW VALLEY’S FIRST AND

BEST SCHOOL NEWSPAPER

10 WEIRDEST SPORTS AND WHERE TO FIND THEM

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You may have noticed a terrible new trend coming, or should we say “waddling”, over the horizon of the Chew Valley (you know, that bit of landscape you can see from high rooms). You may at first have enjoyed this new occurrence, only to later have been struck down by the curse of the ignorant-eater… The Sugar Crash.

That’s right. We’re talking about the influx of sugared snacks in our school canteen. From the sickening sucrose of the Squares Bars to the malevolent morbid mobesity** of the muffins.

If we’re not careful, the epidemic of nutritionally-non-existent snacks will take over the school. I mean, we’re already full of carbohydrate kids (potato, potato, pasta, pasta and beans?! Really?!***), but this is one step too far.

Being the cutting-edge, investigative journalists that we are, we undertook the challenge of sampling each of these abominable amuse-bouche[s] in one lunch time****. Here, for your benefit, is a compilation of what you should and shouldn’t waste your daily quota on.

This issue, we’re focusing on fizzy drinks. Enjoy!

*This refers to no one in particular. **mobesity- a blend word of obesity and muffins- don’cha know.***Yes, we actually saw this during our research programme. **** Remember kids, we do this stuff so you don’t have to.

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CHEW FAT LADIES: THE CHEWBESITY CRISIS*

Although Mr Sinclair has left Chew Valley, his legacy lives on in the following 3 part story. It tells the tale of Ryan, a mildly OCD kid in a messy world. Enjoy.

Writing the note was Ryan’s first mistake. But that was in the morning. His second mistake, running with scissors, proved to be far more dangerous. Never run with scissors.

He awakes early, ready for lectures. When you are paying £0000 a year in University fees, you attend your lectures. He walks down the dusty stairs to the tiny kitchen. Ryan reaches for the kettle, flicks the switch, and goes for the cupboard. Not a clean mug in sight. Those animals. Mugs, plates, ashtrays adorn the surfaces. He sighs, resigned, glad he got up early, and begins to wash up. Ryan is just that little bit OCD; he likes to clean. Which means, he ends up doing a lot of the cleaning. It’s OK, almost therapeutic.

Episode 1: Uni Years

Barcelona, 1990

London, 2012

Beijing, 2008

Athens, 2004

Sydney, 2000

Atlanta, 1996Moscow, 1980

Montreal, 1976

Munich, 1972

Mexico City, 1968

Tokyo, 1964

Rome, 1960 Los Angels, 1984

Seoul, 1988

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GET YOUR SUMMER LOOK INTERVIEW WITH AN INTERNATIONAL BALLET DANCER

Barcelona, 1992

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12 THE CHEWBESITY CRISIS

So if you really need a fizzy drink (which in itself isn’t a good thing, by the way) then we suggest the Suso Orange Fizz, but why not swap this habit for the more refreshing fruit smoothie or the humble bottle of water?

SUSO ORANGE FIZZ JUICE DRINK

Initial reaction: good, tango smell.

Taste: Adequate. Watery, but reasonably refreshing. 6/10.

Healthiness: 1 of your 5 a day, but 11% of your sugar.

Summary: Taste wise, we have a winner, but if you like your teeth where they are, get some water.

RADNOR FRUIT COLA

Initial reaction: We couldn’t put our finger on what’s wrong with this, but something definitely is.

Taste: Tangy rather than fizzy. And weird. Really, really weird. Seriously, what is that flavour? 4/10

Healthiness: Again, 1 of your 5 a day, but why waste 7.5g of your sugar intake on something that tastes like that?

Summary: seriously, what is that flavour?

FIZZY FRUITS- PEACH FLAVOUR

Initial reaction: Never trust a drink with packaging so purposefully opaque. What are they hiding?

Taste: Cloying with a gassy aftertaste. 5/10

Healthiness: To be honest, something that claims to be 1 of your 5 a day shouldn’t taste like metal.

Summary: Made our gums hurt

MESSAGE FROM THE TEAM

We think our hardcore fans deserve an explanation. You will have noticed that we've only published two editions of CVS4U. This is down to our GCSEs and a soaring number of party invites.

Of The TermJOKE: What did Sushi A say to Sushi B? “Wassabi!”

WORD/PHRASE: YOLO (that means You Only Live Once for all you non-streetwise folk! Don’t worry, we had to use the good ‘ol Urban Dictionary too!)

BOOK: The Fault In Our Stars by John Green- a great book that might just make you cry, but will stay with you forever with moving and complex characters and a humorous yet sinister undertone.

SONG: We Are Young by Fun.

MOVIE: The Amazing Spiderman with British actor Andrew Garfield in the lead role is released on 3rd July. It promises to be a great film, receiving several stars from critics.

TV PROGRAMME: The Killing- The Swedish version’s better (buy it on DVD- so worth it!). The American version on Channel 4 is juvenile in comparison.

WEBSITE: www.tumblr.com – No one quite knows what it really is, but we love it!

FACT: The common misconception that we only use 10% of our brains IS NONSENSE! We use most of our brains 24 hours a day so that’s that! Besides, if this was true, we’d surely have evolved to have smaller brains and a more streamlined head useful for... flying? Well, it’s not true... so there.

PLACE AROUND SCHOOL: Apparently the area between the library and Lower School Block is the place to be with an estimated 60 pupils at the area’s peak volume!

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With the Olympics just around the corner, it’s important to remember that you don’t just have to enjoy Olympic sports this summer. Whilst the majority of people’s attention with be centred around the 100 metres or who’s the best ball hurdler, it’s worth doing something slightly different in order to truly appreciate worldwide sports.

I call them ‘bizarre’, that doesn’t mean to say they don’t deserve any of your attention, it just means they’ll add a bit of flavour to your everyday sporting life. I’ve also included where to find them; some will be from far away, whilst others are right on our doorstep. And so the countdown begins:

10) It started to catch on last year, very close to home. Featuring hordes of people pushing each other around in disguised beds. It’s sure to excite anybody who doesn’t mind putting their self-respect on the line. Bed Racing from Bishop Sutton is all about racing around the lake in dressed up beds. You’ll be sure to see pirate ships to operating theatres hurtling around the quiet country lanes, which is a sight not to be missed. If you’re brave enough to take part, then I salute you, just watch out for the flying eggs and flour. And this year we have a home team. Several sixth-formers will be attempting to lug around a pub themed bed in aid of cancer research. This clever design ensures they have celebratory liqueur at the ready. Good luck guys.

9) If you’re going ‘down under’ to the land of Oz this year, then be sure to stop by in Tasmania. Not only known as the home of the cartoon star, the Tasmanian Devil, it’s also known to be the home of Apple Racing. A little like ‘Pooh Sticks’, it features throwing apples in the 300m Huon River, and seeing whose apple crosses the line first. It might not sound as thrilling as the table tennis finals in London 2012, but this weird

event gathers a lot of press attention, making it a popular tourist attraction every year.

8) After you’ve headed back from Australia, be sure to stop by in the Cotswolds to take part in their local ancient games. The ‘Cotswolds Olympicks’ (not a typo), feature sports such as Shin Kicking, tug-of-war, obstacle races, five mile races, some top secret rural sports, all of which are topped off with the marathon at

the end. You might now be thinking that it’s just a big laugh, but if y o u a t t e n d the torchlight p r o c e s s i o n a n d M o r r i s dancing then you might just

change your mind. So if you want the honour of being crowned king of the… hill, then this is definitely the solution for your summer.

7) If you’re looking for a sport which really has been participated in for hundreds of years, then why not try your hand at the World Gurning Championship. These sports originated in 1297 at the Egremont Crab Fair in the UK. England’s gurning champion is Peter

Jackman (who won it 4 times) with a face called “Bella Lugosi”.

6) For those who can’t remember the offside rule, or perhaps find championship football deadly dull, consider visiting Ashbourne in D e r b y s h i re . To t h e untrained eye the Royal Shrovetide Football

might just look like a street riot, when in fact it’s a game of football with no rules (apart from the condition that players don’t kill each other) and a 3 mile long pitch. The ball is thrown into the centre of the town and then the two teams (the ‘Downards’ and the ‘Uppards’) battle it out to get them into the goals, three miles apart.

10 WEIRDEST SPORTS AND WHERE TO FIND THEM

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Shin Kicking Contest

The 2012 female winner who collapsed and was carted off

to hospital soon after her winning performance. She’s

fine now.

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this one. Could you think of anything better than to travel to a remote location in order to take part in Extreme Ironing? Well, the ‘ironists’ seem to think so – there’s no fixed place to do this, all that’s needed is for you to travel to an extreme location and take a photo of you ironing. This place could be anywhere at all, but I’m not sure what could be more extreme than ironing whilst bungee-jumping.

4) Whilst Harry Potter made it to the top of the box office, unfortunately it doesn’t quite make it to number 1 here. Everybody knows that the magical sport of Quidditch belongs worldwide, usually played by college students, with the whole campus as the pitch. Basically, it involves one person running around with a ball in a sock (somehow resembling the snitch), and the other players trying to find them. I

was about to write that the University of Bristol is the closest playing field, but then I noticed Chew Valley School on the unofficial teams list (on the Quidditch associat ion websi te )… anybody fancy a game?

3) For those intellectuals who loathe their combat lessons, I give you Chess Boxing. This sport combines the traditional 4 minutes of chess with 2 minues of boxing, for eleven rounds, testing intellectual calibre as well as physical stamina. This being an official sport, the World Chess Boxing Organisation have their own motto: “Fighting is done

in the ring and wars are waged on the board”.

2) I couldn’t decide whether this sport would class as bizarre or not, but seeing as there’s a world championships in it, I had to include Rock-Paper-Scissors. The championships, set in Toronto, offer cash prizes of $7000, $1500 and $500 for the top three. But it’s not a walk in the park, as on average there are more than 500 participants from 8 countries and 27 U.S. states.

1) We all know that Rugby’s popular down under, however this sport is just crazy. Underwater Rugby is taking off, and it won’t be over purely on how it ridicules convention in such a serious way. Whilst it’s unbelievable that there are chess boxing tournaments, I don’t think anything trumps this. Usually this sport takes place in the deep end of a swimming pool with snorke ls , however there have been instances where professional divers have taken part with wetsuits and oxygen cylinders, in the freezing Arctic seas. If you want crazy, then that’s as good as you’ll get, for now at least.

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AFRICAN ADVENTURES: NEWS FROM ZAMBIA

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As the year draws to a close, some of our year 11 students are preparing for an expedition for World Challenge, heading to Zambia and Malawi for a month. We spoke to two year 11 students, intrepid explorers Emily Haberfield and Sian Berkley, about their preparation for the trip.

For two years now the two have been raising the £3300 that is needed for their trip across Africa. Sian and Emily have raised their money by taking part in a number of fundraising activities including bag packing, washing teachers’ cars and school discos. All of this as well as maintaining individual jobs.

And fundraising isn’t the only work they had to do- “physical preparation” for those lengthy mountain treks up Mount Mulanje, the tallest mountain in

south-central Africa. The students also had to endure injections for seven different diseases including rabies, hepatitis A and B as well as taking coin size malaria tablets. This posed a particularly difficult challenge for Emily who usually sticks to Calpol!

So why sign up? “Because of the physical challenge of climbing mountains and experiencing a new culture and different people.” However they did say that raising the money was daunting and slow going at first but they have now scraped together the funds for this ‘trip of a lifetime’ – if you’ll pardon the cliché!

During this trip, the group will experience different ways of life whilst working on a

project which will help the local community. The team will be visiting a number of tourist attractions, but will remain submerged in Zambian culture, which is something the average tourist doesn’t get to experience.

During the trip they will be visiting a school which is twinned to our own,

hoping to build on the work done by previous expeditions.

Clearly this isn’t a commitment to be undertaken lightly, but we’re sure the girls are going to see all of their hard work pay off once they touch down in Zambia!

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�0(� -.For all our hard-core fans this is a sweet sight- the return of our much loved numbers column. We’ve already told you how many gas taps there are in the science block, and the number of windows in Humanities but this issue we aim to impress you further with some crazy olympic calculations...

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Fundraising Team

“We couldn’t be more grateful that you have chosen to support people affected by stroke with your recent Non-Uniform day”

“Thank you so much for your generous donation!”

It’s always nice to feel one’s efforts are appreciated, and the number of Thank You letters arriving in the Fundraising Team’s pigeon hole is testament to the efforts to raise money for local and national causes. £95 was raised for the Secret World Wildlife Rescue centre, which you can follow on Facebook and Twitter, whilst the recent non-uniform day raised a whopping £380 for both the Stroke Association and a Pancreatic Cancer charity. It goes to show, that with a little bit of organisation, a lot of good things are happening at Chew Valley!

Amnesty Team

Many of the Amnesty Team will be flying the nest in the coming months, heading to universities around the country to c o n t i n u e t h e i r studies and good, charitable work. T h e t e a m i s a success fu l and l i ve ly one, and could do with a few more younger students, so please join the team on a Tuesday lunchtime if you’d like to do y o u r b i t . T h e Amnesty Quiz has been rescheduled to take place on 29th June in the hall

– get a team together and celebrate the summer term with some sparkling banter f r o m M r B r o w n a s Quizmaster…. You never know, you might prove yourself to be the sharpest tool in the Chew Valley Tool Box…

W h o l e E d u c a t i o n Conferences

Sometimes the routine of school is broken by a weird or wonderful event, and if you are in the School Community Council, it seems like these events come thick and fast! Before the Easter hols, two groups of council members delivered speeches at education conferences – one at Warwick University and one in Taunton. Demonstrating an incredible display of confidence, conviction and charisma, the students, Alicia Showering, Dan Showering, Lewis Horseman, Olivia Bartlett, Tom Stone, Phoebe Hutton and Alex Walter wowed their respective audiences of teachers, educational specialists and policy makers. Each group spoke for twenty minutes to their audiences about the impact of the Community Council on Chew Valley School and the s tuden ts i nvo l ved . The audience at both conferences were amazed at how articulately our students explained the Learning to Lead programme at CVS, and how happy it seemed to make them.

Excellent, excellent work!

In other news…

Ralph the Rooster has had to be rehoused after he was getting a little feisty with poor Pewie. After much deliberation it was decided by the team to relocate our beloved, but noisy, cockerel to a local farm.

Have you seen the gardens?! Whilst we were away on our Easter hols, the landscapers were in, chopping down trees, clearing pathways and generally tidying up the grounds of our beautiful school. The Gardening Team are now involved in planting around the school, to make sure that we really make the most of our wonderful site. How lucky we are to be surrounded by greenery – and thanks to the team for contributing so marvellously to this major project.

The wildlife team have researched and designed wildlife signs for the woodland walk. We hope to hold an ‘open day’ during term 6 to share with the school the developments beyond the Memorial Garden.

Make-up Team have done well this term and are looking to recruit more members, raise some funds, and really launch into their hobby. If you fancy coming along, head to E6 at 1pm on Wednesdays.

School CouncilHaving an impact, locally and further afield

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Come along and get involved in School Community Council.

All meetings begin at 1pmFundraising Team (Monday E1) Amnesty team (Tuesday H6) The Green Team (Wednesday H6) Gardening Team (Wednesday S8) Cartoon Team (Friday A5) Chicken Team (Tuesday E3)

A farm similar to where

Ralph the Rooster is living

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Dear Agony Uncle, 

I’ve always been a fan of athletics, but when I was young, I had a tragic accident whilst watching the Olympics with my dad. Ever since then, seeing the five rings has always made me feel sick. Now, the Olympics are here, but I don’t want to reveal my embarrassing secret to my friends, what should I do? 

Past experiences can haunt us all, even the most confident people we know try to eliminate these terrible accidents from their memories. However, whilst this is not possible (except from in ‘Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind’), you can try and make these memories less prominent in day to day life. 

I can’t begin to image the difficulty you’re now going through, with the Olympics having such a high profile. It’s difficult to avoid these thoughts, especially if you’re not confident with sharing them. I think it’s important to ask yourself why you’re uncomfortable with telling people about this accident and why you’re still scarred by these events. Perhaps it’s unreasonable, perhaps you need further help. All I can say is that you should confront your problems before the main Olympic games this Summer, as this is going to be a very difficult time for you otherwise. 

If it’s the secret that’s getting you down, then how about trying some symbolic methods of getting rid of it. People are often helped by just writing things down, or saying them aloud, perhaps even confiding in a close friend or family member. How about you talk to your dad about that day, to try and establish a pathway along this rocky road. 

You should start to see the positive connotations that these five rings bare. They don’t just have to remind you of this terrible event, they can also be about the joy, happiness and unity that’s brought to the world. 

I hope you get through this and have a very enjoyable Summer, perhaps you’ll even face up to watching some of the games on TV.Best Wishes, Agony Uncle.

AGONY UNCLE

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WHEN DID YOU BECOME INTERESTED IN BALLET?

Ballet, I’m not really sure. But dance, I was always interested in dance. I didn’t start dancing in classes until I was around 6 or 7 but before that I was always dancing everywhere.AFTER ONLY FIVE YEARS, AT AGE 11 YOU WENT TO THE ROYAL BALLET SCHOOL IN LONDON. HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE THAT EXPERIENCE?

It was a very special experience, it’s such a special institution and anyone that is famous within the Ballet world, especially in England today, has been to the Royal Ballet School. It was also really hard work, and you were never sure how long your place there is going to last because they’re constantly looking for other talent - you’re always kept on edge.HAVE YOU EVER FELT THAT YOU’VE BEEN MISJUDGED FOR DOING BALLET?

Yes, constantly. Even as a professional dancer you meet people that ask you what you do for a living and you say you’re a ballet dancer, then they ask you what your real job is. Often people don’t understand that being a dancer is really a full-time job; sometimes people see it as just a hobby. Even people that you’re close to still don’t really understand what this job

entails.SO, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY THE PROS AND CONS OF BEING A PROFESSIONAL DANCER ARE?

First of all, it’s a really demanding job. It’s very hard work and you’re generally unappreciated as a dancer, you work silly hours, you’re constantly thinking about dancing… Even when you’re on holiday you have to think about staying in shape - ‘Oh my God, what am I eating?!’ On the upside the performances are amazing, you get to meet crazy people and you get paid to dance, travel and see the world. So from that perspective it’s amazing!

AFTER ALL THAT TRAVELLING YOU’RE NOW AT MODELLING FOR JOY MODEL MANAGEMENT, HOW DID YOU GET INTO THAT?

(Laughs) I was in Milan dancing and I had a free day, so I went into a modelling agency and introduced myself and then stayed and modelled. The winner of the program ‘Italy’s next top model’ wins a contract with Joy Models which is the agency I’m with. I never would have won the program but I still got the job. You mustn't fear that you can’t achieve things because I think that anyone can achieve anything if they put their mind to it.

SO, HAVE YOU GOT ANYTHING PLANNED FOR WHEN YOU RETIRE FROM DANCE?

I have, we are opening Bath Dance College (BDC) which is a full-time performing arts course for people in the South-West of England. It’s aimed at people who are 16 and older who want to pursue a career in performing arts. I feel strongly about this because there is nothing in the South-West of England that really prepares people for the performing arts world. When actually there’s a lot of talent that could and should be nurtured that isn’t, just because they don’t have the money to go to London and train. LASTLY, HAVE YOU GOT ANY ADVICE FOR SOMEONE LOOKING TO PURSUE A CAREER IN PERFORMING ARTS?

! Have a thick skin, be brave and just go for it!

H&M Strapless Bandeau Bikini - £20.98

This two piece matching bikini set is very supporting and has a fastener at the back. The metal clasp adds decoration to the top and will look great on anybody.

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Summer Look

As the summer approaches we decided to entrust you with some valuable fashion advice to ensure you avoid disasters on land or at sea.

Summer Bikinis

It’s time to hunt out the beachwear from the loft and decide whether you need something new. England may not have the best weather but it’s important to stay prepared!

Don’t leave choosing swimwear to the last minute as you will inevitably end up using a cheap, old and often poorly made swimsuit which is likely to rip in the water. I’m here to offer advice on how you can avoid this last minute panic and tell you which bikinis are best to buy, which are fashionable and which bargains are in your local high street stores, as well as suggesting some essential fashion accessories to compliment your swimwear.

Topshop - £32

Colourblock Swimsuit – the use of mismatching vibrant colours is very in this year, so this swimsuit is perfect for those who want to cover up, throw in a splash of colour, and be fashionable.

Asos Palm Print halter neck Bikini Top - £16

The bold summery ‘Palm Print’ top is perfect for this season. Halter necks are very supportive, reliable (providing you tie them tight enough), and they never go out of fashion!

River Island Playsuit - £18

This is a coral Aztec cut out P laysu i t wh ich may not be swimwear, but it is perfect for covering up in something light and thin when you have had a swim in the sea or are simply lounging on the beach.

Festival Wear

So, it’s officially summer and as always the British weather has lived up to it’s reputation. Never mind, it’s finally festival time! Glastonbury may not be on this year, however there are plenty of chances to get your fair share of music. T4 On The Beach, Chester Rocks, The Isle Of Wight Festival and many others including the oddly named ‘My Dad’s Bigger Than your Dad Festival’ will be happening. You’ll want to bring both your wellies and your summer dress, big and brightly coloured accessories are a must too!

ASOS Boyfriend vest - £10.00

Yes, sometimes us Brits do get the hot summer sun. And when we do, we don’t want to be stuck in our coats and jumpers with 5000 other people around you at a festival. A definite must is a loose vest or t-shirt. These don’t cost much at all, and you can find them anywhere.

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New Look Daisy Headband - £3.99

We’ve all seen the daisy hairband in all of the classic festival looks. Most clothing stores will have them at a really good price, if you want a cute look, this should be your choice!

ASOS AJ Morgan Heat Throb Sunglasses - £15.00

We all need some shades for the off chance of summer weather. The floral heart shaped ones will go with most of the tops already in your wardrobe.

New Look Tan Sandals - £7.99

Strappy Sandals are more fashionable than ever this summer. If you don’t want to haul last season’s out the wardrobe then treat yourself and buy some more. There’s no need to spend a fortune either, New Look and Topshop are selling them at very reasonable prices.

Urban Outfitters MinkPink Denim Zappo Shorts - £58.00

Yes these particular shorts are expensive – But this is just an example of the brightly coloured shorts you’ll need for this summer. You can find many similar ones in New Look and Topshop.

Huntress Metallic Wellingtons- £85.00

The famous Hunter Wellies, are some of the comfiest you’ll ever own.

Another plus – They’ll never go out of fashion!

Say what you like about shared living, but washing up has always been alright for Ryan - besides, BBC6 Music helps him along. The digital radio perches precariously on the side. An electrical appliance balanced above the basin - what could go wrong? It sits with the cooking oil and condiments. Ryan’s Father’s parting gift, brand new. It is more than a radio, it is the life and soul of the kitchen; it is an embodiment of his Father’s love. As a middle child, he's not had many new things in his lifetime. He glances at the cooker - filthy, ancient, accusing, but now is not the time for deep cleaning. Ryan rinses the last dirty dishes, radio rumbles, gutter gargles, and he is ready for breakfast.

Open the fridge. No cheese. OMG. Oh My God OHMYGODOHMYGOD WHERE IS THE CHEESE?! Ryan knows he shouldn't have bought “Taste the Difference”. It was bound to be eaten. But still, the whole block? God dammit! Has the whole world gone crazy?! Doesn’t anyone give a hoot about the rules

anymore? Again, he sighs. Trudges upstairs. There will be no breakfast this morning for Ryan Moloney.

The bathroom is a whole different world. Damp, fetid, alive. In the top corner of the doorway, there lives a spider. A huge spider. Boris the spider. Normally squeamish, Ryan is comfortable with Boris, he has grown to love him. Boris started off as a normal size spider, but due to housemate Harry’s tendency to eat his toast whilst sitting on the loo, Boris has always had crumbs to feed on. Unbeknownst to Ryan, his housemate Phil has even taken to leaving Boris tiny pieces of steak. Steak! On the way to the bathroom, Ryan’s OCD manifests itself in a physical tic, a ritual he must perform. He must nod to the top corner of the ceiling, pause, and acknowledge the arachnid. Ryan nods, “Boris”, and looks about him at the chaos.

Festering towels are strewn across the damp floor. His wash bag is wide open (which Ryan never does) and his razor is tossed casually into the sink. Someone

Episode 1: Uni Years

has thrown Ryan’s towel across the damp tiles, but this is not what provokes the note. Strangely, Ryan

is not even angered by the towel, nor the fact his

razor has clearly been borrowed. It is The

Hair which is the fi n a l s t r a w .

Stepping into the shower cubic le,

Ryan is careful to avoid the initial cold. He washes the scum,

the stains, the stray bubbles down the sink. Holding the shower head down he heaves his hulk into the far corner. And there it is. The Hair. Not short, not curly,

thank God, but huge. A long, orange hair staring him right in the face. At eye level for God’s sake! It must be two foot long. He knows who it is. Only one ginger in the house. And that’s when he writes the note:

Dear Housemates, Not ONLY do you eat my cheese,Not ONLY do you leave the kitchen in a state,but now there’s a freakin ginger hair staring at me in the shower.CLEAN UP. I AM NOT YOUR SLAVE.Love Ryan

He blue-tacks the note to the bathroom door, so that the others will see it when they get up. It will be a long time after he’s gone before the housemates arise...

11

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In the interest of preparing those amongst our year 13s who are beginning to ready themselves to head off to university, we asked staff to recall their tales of youthful antics. The results were amusing, shocking and, in some cases, harrowing. You may regret your life choice as you read what waits for you on campus…

Miss Mackenzie regaled to us the tale of her less-than-satisfactory living arrangements in her second year: “my mum, on the rare occasions she actually entered the house, refused to sit down and would spend her time tentatively scrubbing the dried food from the kitchen surfaces with an old toothbrush.” This grime was accompanied by a feature that intrigues and repulses us in equal measure- a “kitchen/bathroom” Well, there’s nothing wrong with a bit of multitasking, right?

A story of equally unappealing housing came from CVS4U’s own Mr Loynton. During his time in halls, the previous tenants ensured that they were kept on their toes: “They kept a key, and so we’d come home and they’d have come in. They’d take all our food. One time, they even filled the rooms with road signs.” This was a frequent occurrence, too- “Every Wednesday this was, we’d go out and come back to chaos” Whilst we have to applaud the creative genius of these miscreants, Mr Loynton ensures us that it was deeply unpleasant- “I hated it”.

We were told further tales of misdemeanours by an abashed Mr Gaynor, who was nearly expelled in his first year. “Myself and a

group of mates got a bit worse for wear. We sat on the university goalpost and it collapsed beneath us. We got brought in front of the board of governors” Shame on you, Sir, shame on you.

Mr Blower had equally inappropriate shenanigans to tell of: “Me and my housemates went out dressed as choir boys for RAG Week and ended up with half of the Welsh rugby team bowing down to us in prayer in a club at 2am” We even have a picture of said event for your enjoyment.

And which senior member of the Sixth-form staff crashed the May Ball during his Cambridge days? Keep on guessing!

So are you prepared for what university may throw at you? Will you relish similar anecdote-worthy events? And, the real question here, will you ever look at any of

this lot in the same way again?

AN EDUCATION?

12

Lonyton’s MenageriesHappy summer term nature nuts! I hope you enjoyed

the last instalment and since then have furthered

your lives as enthusiasts of everything and anything

ecological! The unmistakeable hum drum of the

spectacle that is the Olympic Games is gathering

momentum now, and you may well be attending one

or two of the events. It is such a shame that our own

Mr Gaynor did not quite qualify for the 10 metre

high dive after it was found that he was wearing an

illegal, performance enhancing nose plug. I think it

is fantastic that we are collectively celebrating the

many talents and skills of the talented athletes, but

some of my menagerie is greatly unimpressed by the

feeble efforts of us humans; I thought I would

compare some of their feats of strength, speed,

agility and endurance with human Olympic records.

Read it and weep Usain Bolt, read it and weep!

Sprinting

So, Bolt is the fastest human on the planet according

to the record books. In fact his current World Record

time of 9.58 seconds means he ran that 100m race at

an average speed of 10.58 metres per second. How

does that compare to

some of my furry and

feathered friends I

wonder? Take the

classic example of the

cheetah; a top speed

o f 7 0 m p h ( 3 1 . 3

metres per second!).

That would mean the

cheetah would hold a 100m record of 3.2 seconds. No

amount of chicken nuggets will get Usain across the

line that quickly. We know that the cheetah runs

that fast to catch its food or prey; one of its favourite

meals is the Pronghorn Antelope. Incredibly this

antelope can also top out at 70mph and perform at

40mph over extended distances (there goes Bolt’s

200m record too then!). However, there is another

creature that would leave all mentioned trailing in its

dust: the Peregrine Falcon. Most sources suggest that

this bird can dive from the sky to catch prey at a jaw

dropping 150mph (67.0 metres per second!); the

100m race would be over in less than 1.5 seconds.

Jumping

The men’s long jump world record is 8.95 metres,

with British hopeful Chris Tomlinson landing an

8.35m leap last year to hold the national record. It

does sound pretty impressive as if you measure that

out it is a significant distance. Pahh, my critters and

creatures find this number offensively low! Enter the

Kangaroo; a jumping distance of 10 metres easily.

Bring on the little Southern Cricket Frog; this inch

long amphibian can cover 60 times its own body

length, now I know that is only 60 inches, or 1.5

metres, but put that in perspective for a minute. It

would mean that a human would have to jump sixty

times its body length to match this feat, and if the

average long jumper was 6 foot tall, he or she would

have to jump 108 metres (further than Usain Bolt

runs his race!).

Just a quick mention about high jump; the men’s

world record is currently 2.45 metres, women’s is

2.09 metres. That is quite fantastic as it is like

jumping well over the height of a standard classroom

door. But once again Nature totally dominates this

figure; take the wonderfully named Spittlebug (after

the foamy spit like substance it produces to protect

its young), it can jump up to 0.7 metres straight

upwards which is about 115 times its own body

height. In other words a 6ft tall human would have

to jump to a nose-bleed inducing 207 metres

vertically, to achieve this same level of ability. The

high dive board that Tom Daly jumps off is a mere

10 metres from the water and the London Eye is

about 120 metres tall.

Weight Lifting

One of my favourite

Olympic disciplines to

watch is weight lifting

(nothing to do with the

shared love of protein

shakes, honestly). Men

and women are grouped

in different body weight

c l a s s e s t o t r y and

complete some of the

most famous Olympic

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lifts including the clean and jerk, and the snatch.

The greater the weight above their own body weight

they lift the more likely they are to make it to the

podium and scoop a coveted London 2012 medal.

Great Britain’s Zoe Smith will compete in the

women’s 58 kg body weight category. At only 17

years old, she recently came fourth in the European

championships in Turkey (her two lifts added up to

208kg), which were on TV during the Easter

holidays. So what does the zoological world have to

offer this time? To the stage we call upon the African

Elephant; this heavyweight competitor can lift up

to one-ton (around 1000kg!) with

its trunk. The numbers

sound amazing, but

actually Zoe Smith

would beat the Elephant if

we were taking into account

h ow much mor e

weight they l ift

compared to their

own body weight

like in

the Olympics. Oh no…are you telling me that nature

has lost an event? Surely not!? DEFINITELY NOT!

The saviour is the mighty Rhinoceros Beetle. This

mini beast can heave a massive 850 times its own

bodyweight above its impressively horned head. The

same as Zoe Smith pressing 49,300Kg above her head

on an Olympic powerlifting bar. That is over eight

large African Elephants! Small but mighty indeed!

So remember, do not underestimate the

wonders of my menagerie and the

amaz ing ab i l i t i e s they

possess. Enjoy the Olympics

all the same folks. I just

hope that the (two hundred-

times-body length-jumping) fleas

that reside on London’s brown

rats don’t enter the long jump

event otherwise we will need

to find smaller medals!

Favourite colour: Green

Song: Servant to a cuckoo

Film: One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest

Food: Not really British food! Chinese food is nice and the stuffed tomato my grandma makes.

Book: Cóarto Maltese

Birthday: Birthdays are quite sad now because they used to be mine and my twin’s birthday, but now it is just my birthday because I’m far away from him.

How did you end up in China: I applied for a job in China and got it in May or June time. I taught unofficial French to 20 and 21 year olds.

Why did you come to England? At school I was quite bad at languages, I was more interested in sciences, but I felt that sciences were quite a cold subject and had a lack of humanity in them. I wasn’t sure what to do- my parents wanted me to go to university. I like travelling so I thought I’d go in at the deep end in China. That was when I realised how bad my English was! I lived with an American but I wanted to learn in England to get better. I also wanted to be close to France for my family. I like it here a lot but I’ve only really seen Bristol, Bath, London and Cornwall. I haven’t really been anywhere north- I think Scotland would be nice.

Funny story: My twin brother pretended to be me and came into a French class once, the students were all very shocked when I came in and there were two of us!

What’s it like having an identical twin? It’s really been to my advantage: at school we did everything together and could always tell each other everything and helped each other improve as people. We also have a lot to talk about because we had the same references for 20 years. People say that twins read each other’s minds but it’s not that- we just think about the same things!

INTER UPIERRE

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In our midst is a British champion judoka- Pete Miles in year 11. Many may be unaware of his sporting talents, but Pete has won the British judo championships twice and won the bronze medal at the Dutch open in the under 50kg division. We spoke to Pete to find out the method behind the madness.

“I started judo 9 years ago, when I was 7, at a taster session and I really enjoyed it. I think that was the time I fell in love with the sport. No one else in my family does judo, but my dad especially is very supportive.” “Judo is an Olympic sport similar to wrestling but a little more technical. You can learn different techniques and methods and I think it’s more skilled than similar sports like wrestling. Your aim is to throw them on to the floor and pin them for 25 seconds to win. It’s important to have a large repertoire to trick the opposition. You can do this by using a headlock, throwing them but no punching or kicking. It sounds dangerous.”

“Not yet. I once broke someone’s collarbone in a competition. I felt bad but didn’t have the chance to say sorry as it was identified after the competition.”

“I’ve never had a serious injury although I hurt some ligaments in my hand. Training is hard but you learn to break a fall .”

“I train 3 times a week with strength training 6 times a week as well. I train in Bradley Stoke Judo club twice a week and Bath University once a week for England Excel training. It doesn’t really interfere with my school or social life, I manage to balance it all out.”“Last year I kept messing up in competitions but since then I have improved and I’m in the best position of my life. My best achievements have been winning the British Championships twice and bronze at the Dutch open .”

“ I want to get to the Olympics and world championships. I’m in the England squad and, back in March, I went to Ukraine to represent the GB squad and I got to the quarter finals before unfortunately losing against a boy from Azerbijan who looked like a fully grown man! It is very expensive and I’m always looking for sponsors (hint hint)!! I went to France once and am planning to go to America next year so the cost really adds up.”

If I wasn’t a judoka I think I’d play football or do boxing. . I’ll be doing judo for a long time yet and hopefully train others in the future as a coach.” Pete’s clearly a very modest and mature sportsman with a successful judo career ahead of him. We’ll be looking forward to seeing how he does in the future and we wish him the best of luck in all his endeavours.

PETE MILES- JUDOKA

15

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A WORD FROM MR MALLETT

Another CVS4U, another school year gone...and what a time we’ve had of it! In this Olympics year, the school has won 3 golds! We are a Learning to Lead Gold school as of this month. Last month we were confirmed as Artsmark Gold for the second time. But the greatest accolade of all, Ofsted Outstanding has made the whole community smile with pride in this amazing school.

Following on from the article about weird sports, don’t miss the school fête on July 7th when our very own tribute to the Much Wenlock games will be contested. Come and “Medal” for Britain!

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58%42%

Yes No

We a s ke d a n u m b e r o f students and teachers

whether they like the Olympics being in Britain. Surprisingly the majority of people said no.

CVS4

U Su

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er 20

12

16

Dear CVS4U

I’ve heard rumours that you are planning to release an

Olympic special issue this summer. I’d like to give you

my take on the games.

First of all, it’s said that the Olympics will be a boost

to Britain’s failing economy. How could it not be,

with all those overpriced tickets and tourists with

bulging wallets hanging around? Well, what with the

construction of the stadiums, associated facilities

and other expenses, it’s estimated that the Olympics

are going to cost Britain almost 2.4 billion pounds to

stage. The government aren’t thinking ‘let’s sit back

and rake in the cash’, so much as ‘let’s indulge our

desire to be liked by all the other international kids

for a while and hope we’ll be able to get most of the

money back’. When the taxman is stealing money

from the elderly, we’re all pumping money into the

Olympics, whether we realise it or not.

Many people also like to say that people in the

poorest areas of London are being given jobs that

they need so much. To this, everyone sighs

contentedly and says, ‘Well isn’t that nice! We’re

helping the poor too…’ Well… for now. This is the

equivalent of a summer job. Yes, lots of people

who need jobs have them, but they only have them

for the duration of the games. After the

Olympics, these areas will be just as poor as

usual, and, come to think of it, we’ll also have a

rather large number of expensive, entirely unused

sports facilities around the place.

Maybe I won’t be able to persuade any of you, but I’d

like to think some people might realise the cons of the

games.Yours Sincerely,A Concerned Reader

JOURNALISTS

Abigail Horsey Claire Hammett Danielle RadfordDuncan SalkovskisGeorge MerriottJulia Lawson-Johns Natalie EliasSophie Cotterill

CONTRIBUTORS

Mr LoyntonMiss MakenziePierreMr MallettPete MilesEmily Haberfield

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