Ke Kalahea Presents:

daPeppa

A Special Satirical Issue

Monday, March 18, 2013Issue 6

THE STUDENT RUN & WRITTEN PUBLICATION OF THE UNIVERSITY OF HAWAI’I, HILO AND HAWAI’ I COMMUNITY COLLEGE

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Letter from the editor

Ke Kalahea Mission Statement Ke Kalahea is the student news publication for the University of Hawai’i at Hilo and Hawai’i Community College. We express the voice of the student body using our rights to the freedom of speech and press. The mission of Ke Kalahea is to provide coverage of news and events affecting the university and our community. We offer a forum for communication and the exchange of ideas and provide educational training and experience for students in all areas of the newspaper’s operation. Ke Kalahea operates a fiscally responsible organization, which ensures our ability to serve the university well.Through Ke Kalahea’s publication, we encourage students to take advantage of academic and personal opportunities – ones that will deepen their knowledge, enhance their experiences and broaden their perspectives.

3 | Student Quiz4 | Pluto’s Not a Planet!?5 | The Library: The coolest place in the world6 | Spy vs. Spy7 | Student Health and Wellness7 | The Cat massacre8 | Five-Year-Old Discovers Summit9 | Kitty Dating Profiles10 | Top Ten Reasons to go to the Gym12 | Shark Attack!13 | Catch the Cat14 | The Rogue Rooster15 | The Academic Trap15 | Interview with a Dog16 | UHH to Erect a Cat Sculpture17 | A Mermaid Among Us18 | Kitty Word Search19 | Rants and Raves

CONTENTS Cover graphic by Avery Berido

EDITOR-IN-CHIEFDorothy Fukushima

COPY CHIEFKellie Wilson

NEWS EDITORSarah Kekauoha

ARTS & COMMUNITY EDITORJenna Burns

SPORTS EDITORKeane Carlin

LAYOUT DESIGNERSDenarose FukushimaAnthony Hruza

STAFF WRITERSBritney CareyJoie ColobongDennis FukushimaElizabeth JohnsonCiera LambMaria Karin Walczuk

WEBMASTERAlya Azman

AD MANAGERHeather Bailey

CIRCULATION MANAGERMeghann Decker

GRAPHIC DESIGNERSAvery BeridoNainoa Kalaukoa

PHOTOGRAPHERSYuta MomokiJaysen NiedermeyerKarly Watts

STAFF ADVISORTiffany Edwards Hunt

BUSINESS MANAGERKaryle Saiki

DISCLAIMER!!!! Thank you for picking up our special edition of Ke Kalahea. This time around we’ve decided to dabble in the satirical style of Harvard’s The Onion. The content of these articles are not to be taken seriously. They were written in good fun and are fabrications of our imaginations. We hope you have as much fun reading this issue as we did writing it. Enjoy Da Peppa.

Dorothy FukushimaEditor in Chief P.S. Cats are awesome and we thank them for being good sports.

March 18, 2013 We should have known that they would come for us. We knew too much and there was no way that they were going to let us print these stories. If the world knew of their perfect deceit and diabolical scheming, years of careful preparation would be for naught. Dena and Tony managed to make it out, and I can only hope that they managed to send off the paper. It’s been four days since the siege began. I’ve been a prisoner in this office, unable to make contact with the outside world. Food has been scarce, but I have managed to sustain myself with the stray ketchup packets and old candy canes that were left behind. Before they cut the water lines, I was fortunate enough to fill an old vase with the precious liquid. I have never been one to drink a lot of water, but now that my supply is limited I’ve found that my thirst is insatiable. I’ve barricaded myself in the old dark room, only braving the outer office when I need to scavenge for more ketchup. These trips also allow me to mark the passage of time as either the sunlight or darkness filter through the broken windows. The enemy has taken to psychological warfare. The power is shut off for long periods of time and then returned for an hour at most. The Internet connection is not reliable, so instead I find myself taking comfort in the meager photo album I’ve compiled on my laptop. Memories of happier times…

In the beginning, the power was cut and for roughly the first day and a half there was only night. The sting from the luminescent lamps was a welcome sensation. At that moment I had never been more certain of rescue and so filled with hope. And in the next moment, I had never been proven so wrong, or had been so devastated. It was not the familiar faces of the staff that greeted me, but the snarling masks of those deadly assassins. I had been momentarily paralyzed by both the sheer ridiculousness of the attackers and their undeniable cuteness. Ninja cats of tabby, calico and tiger striped lunged at me. Their sharpened claws quickly reminded me that they were not to be taken lightly. By some miracle I made it back to the room and have since only ventured out when absolutely necessary. One can only speculate as to why the cat statue was erected at the university. Perhaps it was a form of appeasement because someone knew what was to come. It matters not; we know what the cats are up to. They’re stealing our cars and using their feline charms to dupe us into looking the other way. Well not anymore. Now we can combat claws with catnip and downright adorableness with indifference. I hear them scratching against the door. There’s not much time left.

Story on page nine. Graphic by Maria Walczuk

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Which Student Are You?Who cares about all the extra-curricular work you did in school? Or the time devoted to studying or participating in class? All that matters in the end is the grade. Take this quiz to find out what kind of student you are!

When a teacher gives you an assignment, you..

crumple it up and throw it under the bed. Who said you need to do homework? finish it an hour before its due. get started right away. You have other homework to do and you need to get this out of the way ASAP. put it on your desk and figure you’ll get to it after the due date. There are more important things at the moment. get started with it as soon as you can.

When it’s the end of the week and you have a midterm to take on Monday, your friends invite you to spend the weekend with them, you...

say “Heck yah!” and don’t even bother to study for the midterm.spend a day and a half out of the weekend with your friends.say, “Sorry, I need to study.” and study as much as you can the entire weekend.say, “Okay!” and then cram in studying right before the midterm on Monday.spend half the day with your friends and then study the remainder of the weekend.

When you see a scholarship application, you...

assume that you don’t even have a chance to receive any scholarship award so you don’t even apply. think you have a chance but wait until the last minute to apply for the scholarship.instantly apply for the scholarship award and feel pretty confident you’ll receive it.figure that maybe you have a chance but don’t submit your application in time and hope they won’t notice it’s late.think about applying for it and then submit your application hoping it’s good enough.

When you forget homework that is due for class, you...

decide that it’s too late anyways so why bother?try to see if there’s another way you can do the homework after it’s due.don’t even forget your homework in the first place because you’re a very responsible person.ask another student to look at their homework and cheat.do the homework during class and turn it in at the end saying you forgot to

turn it in at the beginning.

When a classmate asks you to copy your homework, you...

didn’t even do the homework so you don’t have anything to offer them.figure only this once but never again can your classmate copy your homework.never allow anyone to copy your homework because you will report them to the teacher.allow your classmate to copy your homework and make a deal that they will let you copy their homework next time.tell your classmate it makes you feel uncomfortable to copy your homework answers so you don’t allow it.

When it comes to learning, you...

hate learning and don’t even see the point of school.only like learning if the topic interests you.love learning everything you can because you understand how important it is to learn everything you can.learn only because you have to since you’re paying for your education.don’t mind learning but don’t always enjoy everything you learn because sometimes it’s hard.

When you have an 8-10 page research report to submit for class, you...

don’t even do the research report because all the work it takes to research and type that many pages overwhelms you!wait until the last minute to do your research report and submit it hoping for the best!get right to work on your research report and go the extra mile to do 10 pages.wait until last minute and plagiarize work from online and submit it feeling thankful you finished in time.do the research paper with the minimum number of pages and figure it is enough.

When you have a really hard teacher, you...

disrespect the teacher and tell everyone how bad the teacher is so don’t take the class next semester.try to have kind feelings for the teacher but sometimes that’s even hard.confront the teacher with your feelings and ask if there’s some way you can understand the teacher better.dislike the teacher and glare at them every class session.ask your fellow classmates what’s helped them accept the teacher or not.So what kind of student are you??? And the answer is...

If you answered mostly 1, then...sorry folks! But you are an F student. You can’t stand going to school and you hate studying, hate the teacher, and hate class. You will do anything and everything you can to not study and to skip class. You don’t care about class assignments and deadlines. You are the most stress-free student because you make lots of time to spend time with friends, go on vacation, surf, sleep, eat, and enjoy everything fun about life. You think life is too grand and full of fun to be sitting inside a building all day--let alone, pay for it. If you answered mostly 2, then you are an average C student. You are in school because you know you should be in school since it’ll help you get a better job and it looks better on your resume. You do things just to get by and may or may not skip classes half the time and yet manage passing the class. You love spending time with friends, eating, cruising and enjoying life as well but you also know you have to study. So life is bittersweet as you manage to dedicate some time to studying. You pass exams luckily by reasoning with educated guesses and just trying your best with all you’ve got. If you answered mostly 3, then...A for AWESOME because you are an A student! You know how to manage time well and are very responsible and understand the importance of your education. You are dedicated to studying, taking notes, listening attentively and you enjoy learning even when it gets hard. You are an over achiever as you seek to finish assignments as quickly and efficiently as possible. You go out of your way to apply and receive scholarships, make a difference in the world and open doors of opportunities for yourself and possibly others. If you answered mostly 4, then you are a D student. You don’t really see the point of school but you go anyways because you know you should. You put in just a little bit of effort into your education so as to just barely pass. You don’t even bother to buy your own textbooks because you know you can borrow from other classmates or make copies from theirs. When that’s not available, then you have an excuse not to study and can just do whatever you want! You don’t mind going late to class and you sleep in a lot. You do everything last minute, after deadlines or perhaps sometimes not at all. You don’t have the strongest motivation but you do what you can to barely pass and manage in school and it’s enough to satisfy even you. If you answered mostly 5, then bravo! You are at least a B student. You really don’t mind that your B isn’t the highest grade but it’s better than the average C and not too far from that A so you are content. You do your best to make time for studying and playing with friends, socializing, eating, and sleeping. You know you have assignments to complete and you do it when you can and submit everything accordingly. You take some pride in your work but still depend on just giving it your best and expect everything to be okay.

The life of a student is reflected by a letterElizabeth Johnson | Staff Writer

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It is well known that since 2006, Pluto has been reclassified as a dwarf planet, much to the tragic dismay of the global community. Pluto fans have been subdued and kept quiet, possibly out of shock and trauma. Now catching like wildfire, public outcry is hailing the streets in cities such as La Serena, Chile, home to Hawai’i’s sister Observatory Gemini and Orlando, Florida, near Walt Disney World. Protestors blaze on posters, “We have been silent for too long!” “Reclassify true Planets!” and “Pluto never hurt YOU!” Having been officially denounced as a dwarf for seven years, Pluto followers are finally speaking up about the damage done, “I grew up singing the full planet song...that’s the only way

I remember the order of the planets.” Indeed, how can we remain silent as new generations are learning that the solar system is no longer what it use to be? According to Universe Today, astronomer Clyde Tombaugh discovered Pluto on Feb. 18, 1930, in the search for Planet X. In 1997 Las Cruces, New Mexico became the death place of Tombaugh, and to this day the city still fights back. What with the many claimed sightings of unidentified flying objects, and since the Roswell Incident of 1947, New Mexico has been a hub of unusual reports. Las Cruces citizens aren’t the only ones voicing their opinions. The astrology community, who utilizes Pluto in chart readings, are very much upset themselves. However, they don’t seem to pay much heed to this scientific update. For now, the main question that perhaps needs to be reexamined is what differentiates planets from their munchkin counterparts. NASA scientist Anita Bath defined that they are practically identical, expect for one special variable, “property orbit.” Apparently, the planets have to earn their gravitational territories; otherwise imposters will be kicked out, as in Pluto’s ultimate fate. For now, our global community may have more important issues to focus on, such as, just what kind of cheese does the moon contain?

Global Outrage Against Astronomy Community

Maria Karin Walczuk | Staff WriterAnthony Hruza | Photographer

“I grew up singing the full planet song...that’s the only way I remember the order of the planets.”

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The UH Hilo library is really quite the “hang out” place for students, making it a favorite spot to be while on campus. It has couches avail-able for a short nap in between classes, tables to study and eat on,

computers to log on to and watch videos, books to draw and write in, rooms to escape to for privacy--it seems like the library can’t get any better than this. But it does!

The library is open to the students at the most convenient of times. It opens really late, at 8a.m. since everyone likes to sleep in and start the day off by lunchtime. It’s not like anyone has classes before 8a.m. and it’s totally acceptable for a student to come to class late or not at all because students might need to print a paper for their 8a.m. class or complete a quick assign-ment on the computers.

The library closes early too, especially on Friday in order to help students realize the nostalgic feelings they have when they’re not at the library. Closing early fosters feelings of anxiety so that students may wait in anticipation for Monday to return to their hang out at the library. Also, since all UH Hilo students on campus are A+ students and don’t have to study, it’s not like the library has to be open at other times or during the weekends.

The UH Hilo library acts as a gathering place to socialize in a variety of ways. It’s full of tables, desks, chairs, couches, corners, floors and rooms. It’s even a three story building so the floor levels of gathering to so-cialize are many! When you first enter the library, you are greeted by a range of noise, from the librarians demanding money from students for late book fees, to the echoes of students laughing, talking and using all sorts of colorful profanity. As you look around, you meet the bustling noise of chitter chatter by the students gathered together in their posses.

One table in the library displays a table full of nerds who sit to-gether and discuss the physics of romantic chemistry. Another table displays the athletic jocks, wolfing down protein shakes and sneaking bites of sand-wiches behind librarians’ backs, so as not to create any big scenes about their stardom. You may see another table full of pretty, high-maintenance girls, discussing the latest fads. It makes you feel like you’re in high school all over again.

And if this isn’t welcoming enough, think again! You can schedule rooms for a certain amount of time to socialize privately. Now, these aren’t just your ordinary rooms in which to socialize. These rooms hold nothing but chairs around one table and the rule is that you can’t go alone after certain hours. You may only use the private rooms if you have two or more indi-viduals. Wow! As if that’s not an invitation enough to grab your boyfriend or girlfriend to schedule a private room for a make-out session, we can’t think of anything more encouraging than that for UH Hilo students!

So we all know that the life of a student gets extremely hectic and even overwhelming. After a long day full of melancholy voiced professors droning on for hours, one may retreat to the library to sprawl out on an open couch and just crash. Talk about power napping! When students can no longer stand staring at their studies, they can search the DVD section of the library and pop that DVD into any computer--free of charge!?! It becomes free enter-tainment!

The library is a clean and helpful place for any student looking to hang out. When students need to use the computer, they find an open com-puter station and meet a keyboard full of germs to collect and share with other students throughout the day. Thus the chain of cleanliness continues!

If students need help, the librarians are right there to hold your hand every step of the way. For example, if a student needs to find a book, all a student has to do is speak to a librarian. The librarian then explains the simple process of finding the book by going online to the UH Hilo library website, typing in the book title, and pressing search! Then the student memorizes the

25 letter call number and goes on a detective hunt to find the hidden book, which happens to be lost amongst floor levels, shelves and thousands of books in the library.

Finally, the library instills in students a sense of time management through panic and fear when its time to close the library. Even though the library says they do not close until 10:30 p.m., librarians ring the closing bell fifteen minutes before closing time. To enforce that, they start flickering lights on and off, thus stirring within students the fear of being left all alone in the dark with the boogie man. It’s no wonder a student has a panic attack as they rush to throw their studies into their bags, zip it up as fast as they can, and dash out of the library. Now if that still doesn’t cut it, the security guard turns into a sort of dragon species who will stand there right behind you, glaring, caressing the bat or pepper spray in his belt and breathing down the neck of your shirt to threaten you to hurry up and get out of the library that instant, or else!

With a place like the library on campus offering so many wonderful and enriching experiences, students have plenty of reasons to gather there. It really is a place where students may socialize, study, eat, play, read, watch movies, sleep, learn and enjoy. And when all is said and done, the UH Hilo li-brary really does have everything to offer students, thus making it the favorite place to hang out at on campus.

The Favorite ‘Hang Out’ Place On UH Hilo CampusWhen all is said and done, the Mo’okini library has everything to offer studentsElizabeth Johnson | Staff Writer

Tony knows some of those words.

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If you’ve ever wondered what exactly a Linguistics student studies, or what a graduate does with a degree in Linguistics, here is a chance to get your answer. Thanks to an anonymous UH H Linguistics student we now have the opportunity to know what Linguistics students are really training for. “We are all going to be spies. That’s really the main purpose behind studying Linguistics: training to become an agent for the CIA.” According to the UH Hilo Course Catalogue there are several core classes required to graduate with a BA in Linguistics. Some of these classes include Ling 102, Phonetics and Phonology, and Morphology and Syntax. Our informant, however, claims that the descriptions in the catalogue aren’t entirely accurate. “Phonetics and Phonology? Sure we study the sound systems of languages, but really it’s more of a way for us to develop and perfect different

accents. A flawless foreign accent is crucial to being a spy; we need to blend into potentially hostile environments.” “Morphology and Syntax is essentially how it sounds—we need to be able to assimilate into any cultural environment so we study morphology: the ability to ‘morph’ into any world culture. And when we are out in the field having a firm knowledge of syntax is necessary as well. We need to be able to analyze and know the underlying structures of any situation effectively in order to determine the actions we may need to take.” The Linguistics 102 course, according to the UH catalogue, is the course where students get a brief overview of what Linguistics is all about and what to expect if you pursue it as a major. Our informant claims there is more to this class as well. “Ling 102 is where the screening process takes place. If you do well and express interest in joining the program then one of the Professors will extend to you the choice to take the LIBB oath. Once you take the oath there is really no going back, but I mean, why would you want to? Linguistics is the bomb, baby! Once you get through the obstacle course and pass the psych test you are golden.” Linguistics students are also required to study a minimum of two different languages in order to graduate. “They can’t be just any languages either, they want us to be well rounded. In order to be ready for the field we need to be proficient in at least one Indo-European and one Non-Indo European language.” “People ask us what we are going to do when we graduate, and we are trained to give certain answers. They don’t want us blowing our covers.” Some of the answers include: Speech Language Pathology (training field agents to speak with flawless accents)Professors (training future agents)Recording Endangered Languages (gathering and recording enemy Intel)Teaching English as a Second Language (undercover international projects of various kinds—gets agents deeply rooted within foreign communities) When questioned about the Linguistics Program, one of the Linguistic professors here at Hilo merely suggested that anyone interested in the department should look into a Ling 102 course. Our informant merely shook their head when asked further questions, stating, “I don’t want to compromise the program any more than I have. I just felt like people needed to know what Linguistics is really all about—becoming a spy.” At this point we would like to invite members from other departments here at UH Hilo to come forward with any inside information they may have concerning their own majors.

Anonymous Student Comes Forward: “UH Hilo Linguistics Department Trains Future Spies”

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Fueling your body: Making healthy choicesAisha-Rae Kobayashi | Student Health and Wellness Programs (SHWP)Please join us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/UhHiloStudentHealthWellnessPrograms

We have all heard the saying, “you are what you eat”, but we often fail to take into consideration how big of an impact our dietary habits actually play. By practicing healthy habits, it can impact how you eat for life. By starting now, and making good choices, this will lead you to a more healthy lifestyle; where you can be and feel the best possible you. One of the first things you can do to start your day off right is to eat breakfast. By not consuming breakfast you may have a harder time focusing in class and feel weak---you’re body is like a car, you need fuel. Also for those of you who think skipping the meal will help you lose weight, it will actually make you gain weight overtime. When you don’t eat breakfast, your metabolism slows down and when your body enters this starvation mode, it holds onto your stored fat for energy (Fortunato, 2013). By the time you do eat, you will probably overeat and pick poorer food choices; you’ll begin to have cravings or binge out on unhealthy junk foods thus leading to weight gain (Fortunato, 2013). When it comes to choosing what you eat, choose wisely. Don’t overlook the salad bar. At the salad bar you can get some fresh healthy veggies to fill you up but remember to skip the creamy fatty salad dressing, and have only a light serving of cheese and crouton toppings. Incorporating fruits with your meals are also a good idea, as they’re filled with nutrients that ultimately have long-term benefits. The key with everything is moderation, know your body and know your limit. Another thing to remember is your beverages. Studies have shown that dehydration can lead to poor visual-motor tracking, short-term memory loss, and decreased attention span (USDA, 2009). As a college student we tend to skip the water and choose the energy drinks or other highly caffeinated beverages. These drinks can be a cause of dehydration. Also excess caffeine is shown to also cause restlessness, anxiety, irritability, headaches, abnormal heart rhythms, and problems with sleeping. Not to mention that these beverages have empty calories that can also lead to weight gain. The best choice for a beverage is, of course, water. According to the Mayo Clinic website, the Institute of Medicine determined that an adequate intake for men is roughly about 13 cups and about 9 cups for women. Water has an

abundance of health benefits, so it’s a great drinking habit to pick up. Just like with your studies, if you put in good work you will get good out; so treat your body right with healthy choices. By having the awareness and control to skip over oily french fries and pick up a fresh fruit; you will start living a lifestyle which is more balanced with physical wellness.

Up and coming! Be on the lookout as Sodexo will be placing healthy indicators in the dining hall. They will have an easy to read sign addressing which is the healthy choice to make it simple for you to see which is the best nutritional choice. Also for more health tips, check out the Sodexo website at sodexousa.com. March 18, 5:00pm, at Campus Center Room 306: Men Can Stop Rape will be coming to UH Hilo to share in a national campaign that poses the question, “Where do you stand?”. This bystander intervention training will be hosted by UH Hilo’s Student Health & Wellness Program’s Men of Strength. Men Can Stop Rape is sponsored by UH Hilo’s Student Health & Wellness Programs, the Diversity and Equity Initiative, and the Hawaii County Office of the Prosecuting Attorney.April 8, 5:00pm, at Campus Center Plaza: UH Hilo’s Student Health & Wellness Program’s Men of Strength will be hosting “Slam against Violence”. An evening of slam poetry; it is sure to provide you with entertainment while you participate in the crusade to stop violence.

References“Dehydration Affects Mood, Not Just Motor Skills.” United States

Department of Agriculture, n.d. Web. 2009.Fortunato, Kait. “Nutrition for the College Student.” Timi Gustafson RD:

How to Eat Right and Still Have Fun. N.p., n.d. 2013.Staff, Mayo Clinic. “Water: How Much Should You Drink Every Day?” Mayo

Clinic. Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research, n.d. Web.

“Water: Meeting Your Daily Fluid Needs.” Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, n.d. Web.

Remembering the Great Cat MassacreA look at one of the worst tragedies in feline history

Joie Colobong | Staff Writer

The Great Cat Massacre, as its name suggests, was a mass murder of cats committed by two disgruntled apprentice printers which took place in Paris, France in the 1730s. It is widely regarded as one of the worst tragedies in cat history. According to American historian Robert Darnton, the Great Cat Massacre began after a young printer’s apprentice named Jerome became fed up with his master’s disrespectful ways and complete lack of concern toward him. For years, Jerome suffered from neglect at his master’s hand. The master forced Jerome to wake up before sunrise every morning and spend all day running errands, fed him little more than slop and rotting meat scraps, and housed him in cold and unsanitary living quarters. When he was not busy berating and mistreating Jerome, the master spent a great deal of his time doting on his cats, which he and his wife adored very much. The master’s wife was especially fond of one cat in particular, known as La Grise (the Grey). Darnton notes in his book The Great Cat Massacre and Other Episodes in French Cultural History that cats were highly popular among the bourgeoisie (elites) of Paris during the 18th century. Some bourgeoisie went so far as to have portraits of the cats painted and hung on the walls of their estates.

Printer’s apprentices like Jerome, however, loathed cats, considering them nuisances. Alley cats thrived in Paris’ printing district and wreaked havoc on apprentices’ lives. They often made so much noise at night that Jerome, as well as other apprentices who had to wake up very early every day, had trouble getting a good night’s sleep, which led to many of them starting their days feeling exhausted. This, in turn, affected the quality of their work. Masters like the master did not suffer from this problem since they had the luxuries of sleeping far from the alley cats and being able to sleep in until late morning. Considering their positions, the masters were not subject to the same workload their apprentices carried. Jerome resented the fact that his master treated his cats with more respect than he did himself. As a result, in an act of revenge, Jerome and Leveille, a fellow apprentice, planned to murder not only their master’s beloved feline friends, but every last cat in the city. The first step in Jerome and Leveille’s plot was to convert the love their master and his wife had for their cats into hatred. The pair accomplished this by mimicking the alley cats’ bothersome meowing and howling near the windows of their masters’ bedrooms. The duo repeated this for several nights until the master and his wife concluded they were being bewitched. They then ordered Jerome and Leveille to get rid of the cats.

With the blessing of the master’s wife, and with help from the journeymen of Paris’ printing district, Jerome and Leveille got to work eradicating Paris of its cat population. Some were bludgeoned to death with broom handles and metal bars, while others were trapped in strategically-placed sacks. The men went after every cat they found. No cats, including La Grise, were safe. After murdering all the cats they could find, the men piled hundreds of dead cat bodies into the district courtyard and staged a mock trial, “complete with guards, confessor, and a public executioner,” as Darnton wrote. During their “trial,” the men found the cats guilty of disturbing the peace, and after administering last rites, the men hung their bodies in makeshift gallows. Hearing the men’s laughter, the master’s wife made her way to the scene, only to scream in horror as she saw her beloved La Grise, along with all the other bloody cats, hanging from nooses. The men denied it was La Grise, since they assured her they had too much respect for their master to do such a thing. The master suddenly appeared and was outraged by his apprentices’ slacking off. As cat lovers, we here at Ke Kalahea solemnly pay our respects to the innocent felines who lost all their nine lives. We firmly believe that no cat should ever have to suffer such a twisted fate.

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Lōʻihi Summit Recently Discovered by Five-Year-OldMaria Karin Walczuk | Staff Writer

Lōʻihi Seamount located off of the south coast of the Big Island, is believed by volcanologists to eventually rise to the surface in the next 10, 000 -100,000 years. Geologists from all over the world were flabbergasted as thousands of sudden volcanic swarms were identified last Wednesday, March 13, indicating unusual seismic activity near the southern region of the Big Island. Evidence demonstrates quite a puzzling story. A young boy named Lee Pierrot, 5, said, “I was looking for humpbucker whales with my daddy’s binoculars...then I saw somefing bigger, moving.” Pierrot’s parents couldn’t quite behold the marvel before their eyes. Lōʻihi, an active submarine volcano, has risen 975 m (3, 000 ft) to the surface. This is a confounding shock for Chief of Operations, Ugo Miles Satanino at Hawaii Volcano Observatory (HVO): “According to our calculations, Lōʻihi has bolted forward millions of years in geological time, surpassing phenomenal velocity, and emerging as a new land mass above sea level.” The actual facts do not coincide with the historical continuity of Hawai’i’s island formation. With the pacific plate acting as a sort of conveyor belt over Hawai’i’s hot spot, the island chain has grown through such volcanic stages over millions of years, but at a much slower pace. As questions continue to escalate, interviews were conducted with leading researchers in the field near the coast and town of Pāhala. “I’ve never seen this rapid exponential land growth before,” exclaimed volcanologist Toto Schrute by phone, of the U.S. Geological Survey (USGS), “it’s very disturbing, but we have yet to determine major risks for residents of Hawai’i.” As Shrute continued to describe the rising island and it’s summit, he paused and hesitated to say what he was seeing. After a loud groan, Shrute muttered.“Oh @&#*!. Get the #%$^ out of here!” The connection broke out momentarily before Shrute concluded, “A huge pyroclastic eruption is heading straight for the...!” Unfortunately Shrute did not survive, having been annihilated by gargantuan hot ash clouds and a fountain of lava within a matter of seconds. Fellow researcher Peter Chopra agreed to be interviewed in person, stating his position as new leading geologist in the field, “[USGS] is forcing me to go nearby and gather lava samples... How the heck is that going to help?” questioned Chopra, “I said, ‘Not over my dead body!’” Chopra appeared to run the opposite direction, sporadically screaming and crying like a little girl. Tavee Ting, visiting from Las Vegas, Arizona mentioned diving out along the coast, curious to “check what all the fuss is about.” She spoke of how Hawai’i is the safest place in the world; even the sharks are cute and friendly when you go off the coast. “The ocean doesn’t get angry here, there is too much aloha,” Ting casually noted. Apparently a rescue mission is underway, as Ting was last spotted near Punalu’u black sand beach, playfully feeding a large unidentified animal in the water before trying to swim farther out. Further investigation is underway to determine precisely how much of a hazard this new land mass holds. Those living close to the town of Pāhala are advised to seek more protective terrain. “We are not certain of the potential damage, so it’s best to stay put for now” urged Santanino of HVO. Suggestions include barricading windows and doors and ensuring that no air, light or water is let in. If you own a bunker, now is the time to take advantage. Contact the Emergency Hotline: 1(808)-AINOCAREor the local animal shelter if you want to hug a puppy: 1(808)-GETALIFE

A Proposal to Solve the Parking ProblemA solution to the parking crisis is foundDennis Fukushima | Staff Writer

Tired of circling the parking lot hour upon hour, searching for a parking space? Well, join the club. Many students are upset over having to pay for parking with no guarantee that they’ll have a space to park in throughout the semester. Toseewhatkindofideasstudentshadtoremedythisproblem,KeKalahealetstudentsanonymouslysubmitideastotheoffice.Whilesomesuggestions weren’t workable, others were pure genius. For example, one student suggested that parking should be free to all students. This is illogical, seeing as there would be no way to tell if a car parked on campus belonged to a student or a random stranger on campus. Besides, students only spend a few thousand dollars on tuition and books. It’s a drop in the bucket compared to other campus tuition, so tacking on an extra fee for parking doesn’t truly matter. There were a few good suggestions, however. A student thought that the UH Hilo Auxiliary Services could hold a Charlie in the Chocolate factory competition, where a select few individuals would get a “golden parking pass” that allowed free parking for the semester. The best idea submitted to Ke Kalahea was a parking lot derby. In each parking lot, a game of real life bumper cars would be held at the beginning of each semester. All cars would bang each other up until a single car is left; the last car standing owns that parking lot for the semester. Throughout the semester, students would be able to challenge the king of the lot for his territory rights. Should the challenger win, they win the right to the parking lot. Some of you may be wondering how this could be an effective solution, but the answer is quite simple. First off, this would be a community event. For a small fee, people could watch the derby. Hours of entertainment for one low price is a great deal. Secondly, this would end the parking crisis. As only one car, the king, can occupy a lot at a time, there would be ample parking for the king. He or she would neverhavetoworryaboutfindingparkingwhencomingtoschool.Allothercarswouldbetotaled;therefore,theycouldn’tbedriventoschooltomaketheparking problem.

Lee Pierrot with binoculars. Photo Courtesy of Wikimedia.org

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Name: EdwinaAge: 11Hometown: Hilo, Hawai‘iQ: Where do you like to relax?A: There’s nothing quite as comfortable as a pile of freshly laundered clothes, especially if they’re black.Q: What’s something you hate?A: I absolutely hate the vacuum! I’m pretty sure its only mission in life is to suck me up along with my hairballs…Q: What’s the most important lesson you’ve learned? A: Make friends with the dog. That way, when you’re ready to put your plan of world domination into action, he won’t see it coming.

Name: MomoAge: 4Hometown: Hilo, Hawai‘iQ: What are some of your favorite hobbies?A:Ilovewatchingspecksofdustfloatthroughtheairandstaringoutofwindowsforhours on end. Q: What’s something you can’t live without?A: After Christmas this year, there was a gift bow that somehow didn’t make it into the trash.Well,Ilovethatthing!It’salittleflattenedanddirtyasit’sbeensteppedonandkicked around so much, but I still play with it every day!Q: What’s the hardest decision you’ve ever had to make?A: My owner once tried to make me choose between staying inside and going outside. It was so hard! I went outside, but I came back in a few minutes later.

Name: TrooperAge: 8Hometown: Hilo, Hawai‘iQ: What’s the best gift you’ve ever gotten?A:ForChristmasoneyearIgotabox!Therewassomeweirdthingwithfeathersintheboxatfirst,butonce that came out it was really great! I would spring out any time someone walked past. I scared the dog a few times, which is something I’m especially proud of.Q: What’s your idea of the purrfect date?A:Ireallylovetocuddle,soaneveningspentcurledupinalapbythefirewouldbeideal.Theownerofthat lap has to be okay with being kneaded, though. Otherwise, that’s a deal breaker.Q: What was your bravest moment?A: I once tried to attack a turkey. No, not a frozen one, but a live 3-foot-tall turkey. We stared each other down for a few minutes before it turned tail. I guess I was just too intimidating.

Name: DylanAge: 11Hometown: Hilo, Hawai‘iQ: What was your most embarrassing moment?A: When I was a kitten, my owners thought I was a boy, so they named me “Dylan.” That was pretty embarrassing.Q:Wheredoyouseeyourselfinfiveyears?Probably doing the same things I do now: eat, sleep, poop, repeat.Q: In your opinion, what’s the best way to get someone’s attention?A: Meow incessantly at them until they give you whatever it is you want. If that doesn’t work, try pawing them in the face. This last part works particularly well if the person is sleeping.

Name: SnoopyAge: 5Hometown: Pa‘auilo, Hawai‘iQ: What’s something you’re afraid of?A: Any sort of loud noises or quick movements, really. I’m a little cross-eyed so I don’t see very well. For that reason, I tend to assume anything that ventures in my direction is trying to kill me.Q: What’s one thing that drives you crazy?A: You know that red dot that just appears? I hate that thing! Where does it come from and why can’t I catch it?!Q: What’s something you love to do?A: I love to sleep. If I don’t get at least 18 hours a day, I’m completely useless.

Kitty ProfilesInterviewed by Britney Carey | Staff Writer Nainoa Kalaukoa | Graphic ArtistDennis Fukushima | Contributing Graphic Artist

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What better reason to workout at UH Hilo’s Student Life Center than to get healthy? In a survey conducted between January through February 2013, Ke Kalahea staff members surveyed a total of 1000 UH Hilo students, 500 female students and 500 male students, and asked

them to list the top ten reasons they go to the gym. With ten being the lowest reason and one being the highest reason students go to the SLC, the surveys ultimately prove that students have other important reasons to workout, besides the typical “to get healthier” one.

10. Show my student IDStudents expressed enthusiasm in the fact that they can practice showing IDs at the door. Some even noted they enjoyed the awkwardness with the student workers at the front desk who don’t say “hello” or “thank you” when students show their IDs. “It’s really cool when the workers don’t acknowledge me,” wrote a student. “It must make them feel really good.” “It’s great to practice showing my ID,” another student wrote on the survey, “because I’ll have to show my ID at the bars when I turn 21.” Another student said that he has friends who work behind the front desk, so getting into the SLC never presented any problems. “I just walk right through,” he said, “and nobody says anything.”

9. Go to free classes and (maybe) run enough miles to get a free shirtThe SLC offers a variety of free classes to students, ranging from Zumba to Tahitian and Brazilian Jump. Though 50% of the surveys confirmed that more females listed the free classes as the reason to workout at the SLC, most of the males noted that they go to the gym to get the free shirt associated

with the Kûkini Run. “The classes are great,” a female sophomore majoring in Biology said. “I get to show up half an hour early to make sure I get a trampoline for the Brazilian Jump Class or a mat for the Yoga class.” Another female, a junior majoring in Linguistics, said, “I love the enthusiasm shown by everyone [in the classes] and the possibility I get a body as amazing as the instructor’s body—just by attending a class once or twice a week.” A male student answered that although he doesn’t go to the gym for free classes, he makes sure to log his miles each time he jogs on the treadmill or elliptical. He wrote, “It’s great knowing I’m getting something accomplished when I go to the gym.”

8. Wait in line at 6:00 a.m. to sign up for edVenture “I get to wake up early and start my week right,” one student wrote, “while at the same time waiting in the SLC hallways to get a place for the weekend activities.” The SLC hosts a series of Outdoor edVenture, or extracurricular activities that “provide a wide range of outdoor activities and programs at a variety of skill levels for the UH Hilo community.” At discounted prices, these popular tours sell fast and students make sure they’re in line early. “It’s really fun,” another student wrote. “You get to sit or stand by dry-eyed people, who still have morning voices, while at the same time listen to the loud water-polo girls in the women’s locker room.”

7. Watch TV Why stare outside at the boring scenery when you can watch TV? Many of the students wrote that the amount of TVs in the SLC allows them to study, exercise, or rest with the distraction of the television. “The TVs are great because it’s so boring to stare at nothing when I’m running,” one student wrote. Another wrote that the TVs allow him to get closer to prospects. “I can stand close to people running or talk to others about what’s going on the TV screen,” he wrote. “It also distracts me from the body aches.” Another wrote, “I like to keep myself updated with the latest entertainment and it’s good that the SLC provides that.”

6. Take a shower“I get so hot and dirty at school,” wrote one female student, a freshman majoring in marine science. “It’s nice to take a quick shower between classes.” Students have the unique opportunity to use the SLC for showering before, between, during, or after classes. “It’s great to have the showers so close,” answered a student majoring in mathematics. “I live far, so it’s nice to be clean on the long drive home.”

5. Promote male bonding “Hang out with the guys,” “share different workout exercises,” and “spot my friend” turned out as the three top male-bonding phrases that popped up throughout the survey. The majority of female students coded male bonding under phrases such as “guys can be gay,” “guys can congregate and stare at girls butts,” or “guys can stand over each other and whisper words of

I go to the gym to...

Sarah Kekauoha | News Editor Yuta Momoki | Photographer

There are more reasons to go to the gym than just “getting healthier”

The Top Reasons To Go To the SLC10

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Why I Don’t go to the gym...

encouragement.” The gym definitely allows guys to be a lot more intimate. “We can talk about girls, different workouts, and we can help each other out,” wrote a sophomore majoring in computer science. Another male student, a freshman majoring in nursing, wrote that he and his friends do eight hour workouts. “The workouts are long but they’re way worth it because we take turns doing each machine and encourage each other every step of the way.” Other male students wrote that they get to share their ideas with each other on the latest protein shakes, diets, sports and celebrity workouts. “It’s the best part of the day,” wrote another male student. Hooray for hypermasculinity!

4. It’s free...kind of... At least 60% wrote that they go to the gym because it’s free. “I might as well go,” answered a senior majoring in women’s studies. “It’s pretty much free anyways.” Others completely glazed over the fact that the SLC services actually comes from the $78 fee included in student fees. “It’s really cool that the gym is open to all the students,” wrote a junior majoring in accounting. “It’s great to know we get services for the price of tuition we pay.”

3. Avoid class What better way to efficiently use hooky time than by working out or taking a nice nap on the SLC’s smashed-pillow couches? “I go to the SLC and sleep during some of my classes,” wrote a senior majoring in psychology. “It’s the best kind of escape.” One student wrote that the SLC helps him avoid class while he can still be productive in things that matter more, like working out. “It’s better than class,” he wrote, adding, “Enough said.”

2. Check other people out Look at your reflection, look around, look at the machines, look around again... The concept of “looking at other people” won dominance for the second reason students go to the gym. “I like to check out the girls,” wrote a student. “It’s a great place to make eye contact.” Another student answered its his chance to examine other people, their workouts and check out the different foods people eat. “It’s cool to sit in the foyer and just watch people come and go,” wrote a male sophomore majoring in sociology.

1. Check yourself outWith more than 75% of the surveys listing this as the number one reason to go to the gym, students really can check themselves out. The SLC provides large mirrored walls, so what better way to do a full-body evaluation? “There’s mirrors in the gym itself and in the locker room,” said a student. “I really like that I can check myself out.” Another student noted he enjoys watching himself lift weights while another student wrote she enjoys watching herself run. “It’s so much more effective than looking outside or at other people,” a student answered, “because if you know you look good, what’s better to look at than yourself?”

Students should go to the gym to stay healthy, but the survey shows ulterior motives definitely exist. The SLC’s goal, according to their website, is to “provide an open, safe environment for recreation, learning, and social interaction while meeting user demands.” Does the SLC complete its goal? Maybe through

reading your fellow student’s reasons to SLC attendance, you can agree or disagree if the SLC is meeting its goal and if students have sound reasoning. Or, very admirably, maybe you have better reasons of your own to go to the SLC.

In addition to the survey asking students to list the top ten reasons they go to the SLC, some students went as far as adding reasons they don’t go to the gym. Ke Kalahea lists the top six reasons students don’t got to the gym.

6. They cut your lock and you just put it on that morning...

5. Exercising makes you sweaty, causing body odor. People don’t like body odor, therefore, people don’t like you if you go to the gym.

4. The SLC is far, far, far away. By the time you walk there, you would have completed your workout/exercise for the day. (But then again you can take a free shower...)

3. You forgot your headphones, so now you’ll have to read the subtitles on the TVs. That makes you really nauseated so you decide to skip out on the workout for the day.

2. You can’t stand the music.

1. Guy: All your friends are in class right now, so you can’t go by yourself. Who will be there to spot and encourage you to do more reps?Girl: You think all your friends are up there right now, so there won’t be any elliptical machines open. Plus, you didn’t eat anything this morning so you might pass out.

The Top Reasons To Go To the SLC

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As Matthew Miranda was bobbing in bloody, fish chum-filled ocean water a few hundred yards off shore, he had no fears or ill doubts. Little did he know, several hammerhead sharks were headed to the

buffet he had unknowingly provided. “Hawaii is such a beautiful place,” said the 42-year-old tourist from Alabama. “As soon as I landed and caught

the shuttle to the hotel, I got to see the real Hawaii,” said Miranda. He had no idea

that his vacation would end in a hospital bed.

“The concierge was so nice, I could tell she liked me, she gave me a

lei and even a kiss on the cheek,” Miranda said with a smile on his face. The

concierge then gave Miranda directions to nearby popular beach destination Hapuna Beach Park. “I got to the Hapuna,

and was having a lovely time. Then a very kind man approached me,”

said Miranda recalling the moments leading up to the shark attack. The man questioned Miranda on where he was from and

after some small talk,

Miranda asked the unidentified man where he could see some dolphins. “He told me that it was simple, all I had to do was buy five pounds of fish chum, rent a kayak and paddle offshore 300 yards, then dump the chum and jump in,” said Miranda. Immediately after hearing this information, Miranda went and got what he thought he needed to see some real dolphins. Miranda, a health insurance salesman from small town Dothan, AL had never been to the ocean. Now he says that he will never go back in, no matter what.

Miranda waded in the bloody water for 15 minutes before dorsal fins emerged around him. Unfortunately, he thought that these fins belonged to happy dolphins. As Miranda swam towards what he thought were fellow mammal friends, he was bumped from behind by what he described as, “a massive heavy piece of sandpaper.” What happened next, he will never forget. “After I was bumped, I felt an intense pain in my left leg,” said Miranda pointing where his leg used to be. Luckily for Miranda, his cholesterol was so high that the hammerhead shark immediately vomited out the remains of his leg and left with the other four to five sharks that were in the vicinity.

A paddle boarder had seen the sharks headed towards Miranda’s kayak and then minutes later heard the screams of the injured out-of-towner. The paddle boarder rescued Miranda, towing him to the shore safely. The unidentified paddle boarder left the scene before authorities could take his information. “I will always be thankful for that man saving me,” said Miranda, “I’m just kind of angry that he refused to grab my leg and take it in with us, they could have sewn it back on.” Miranda has filed a lawsuit against the State of Hawaii, the unknown paddle boarder and the lifeguards who he called “shark-loving sadomasochists.”

Horror At The Hapuna42-year-old tourist gets left leg bitten off by shark, is all right

Keane Carlin | Sports Editor

All characters and incidents contained in this article are completely fictitous and any likeness thereof is completely coincidental.

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A recent increase in car thefts at UH Hilo has left students and faculty members scratching their heads in disbelief. To date, six vehicles have been stolen from the parking lot behind the theater. A dead mouse has been left behind in each case, leading some to speculate the culprits behind the acts may be the many feral cats on campus. The best evidence for the case against the cats is an eye-witness account given by UH Hilo senior Kellie Wilson. The English major was able to ward off a would-be thief as she was attempting to leave campus earlier this semester. “I opened the car door to get in and next thing I

know I’m looking at the cat who is inside my car on the floor mat,” said Wilson. “I just stood there with no idea what to do. I told it a couple times to leave and it just looked at me.” According to Wilson, the cat then jumped out of the car and ran away, presumably to find another vehicle to steal.

Rattled by the incidents, many students have begun to experiment with ways of preventing the thievery. One student, who spoke on the condition of anonymity for fear of retaliation from the felines, has been rubbing his 2-year-old dachshund all over his truck in the morning before coming to campus. “It’s really helped, I think. I haven’t seen any cats near my truck since I started doing it,” he said. Others, like Yvonne Silva, are afraid to come to campus at all. “I don’t want to drive my car to school!” the UH Hilo junior said. “Maybe they’re stealing the cards for the parking passes,” she speculated. Police have not offered an explanation of exactly how the cats are managing to steal the vehicles. In a press conference held on March 8, a spokesperson said detectives are working to uncover the manner of the thefts as well as any possible motives. There has been some speculation that the felines are involved in a vehicle-stripping ring, and have been selling the stolen automobiles to junkyard dogs. It is not clear what the cats hope to do with the profits they gain, although it can be safely assumed it has something to do with world domination. Professor Seri Luangphinith has seen a number of the felonious felines lurking around the janitor’s cottage on campus. “One of them, Buttons, will steal your lunch if you’re not careful,” she said. Buttons, who may or may not be the ringleader of the operation, could not be reached for comment. University officials are urging students to steer clear of the cats’ known hangouts, including the portable buildings, areas around the dormitories and the dumpsters behind the Sodexo dining hall. Authorities say the felines should be considered clawed and dangerous, and should not be approached, unless students happen to have a can of tuna handy.

Catch that cat!Recent car thefts linked to UH Hilo’s feral cat population

Britney Carey | Staff Writer

Surprised by the vehicle’s occupant, this would-be car thief fled the scene shortly after this photo was taken. Phot

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Rogue RoosterCiera Lamb | Staff WriterDenarose Fukushima | Contributing Graphic Designer

We’ve all heard it—that awful head-splitting cry of the Rogue Rooster. After 15 minutes of your professor’s rhythmic monotone, just as your eyes begin to close, it rudely screams

through the windows and violently jerks you back awake. We students here at UH Hilo are begrudgingly starting to realize that our regular classroom nap sessions may just be nearing an unfortunate end.

A UH senior fondly reminisces, “There was a time when students could safely nap through class without fearing the cacophonous crowing, but I think that time is gone. I’ve come to accept the fact that I probably won’t be able to nap through another class again until grad school. Seriously, where did this frustrating fowl come from?”

The answer to that question comes in the form of many different theories, a few more plausible than others:

Some say the rooster is a genetically engineered specimen placed on campus by University administrators to keep students awake during class in an attempt to raise test scores. UH Housing staff believes the rooster is an act of revenge: after evicting a student for running underground cock-fights in Hale Kehau, the enraged student released one of his/her roosters on campus to sabotage other

students’ studies and general peace of mind. Others claim the rooster is actually a robot built by the computer science students to keep them awake during

long hours in the lab. Eventually it developed a mind of its own and snuck away to try and live its life as a real rooster. Many students believe the poor rooster simply grew up in a rough family; with its mother working in the egg packing plant and its father always at the fights, the Rogue Rooster was never given the opportunity to pursue higher education. While many teachers consider the rooster a blessing, most people on campus have quite the opposite attitude regarding this annoying animal:

“The only time I get to sleep is when I’m in class. The dorms are too loud, but class is nice and quiet, and the teacher’s lectures are soothing. That rooster just sucks. No one wants to wake up to that.” -- Seriously Studious Science Student

“My class periods are a time for serious studying. This rooster needs to go. I am receiving constant complaints from my students that they are having trouble focusing after I break them into their study groups. Mostly though, I’m sick of it waking me up from my 50 minute nap periods on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays,” -- Purely Practical Pragmatics Professor.

“My class periods are a time for serious studying. This rooster needs to go. I am receiving constant complaints from my students that they are having trouble focusing after I break them into their study groups. Mostly though, I’m sick of it waking me up from my 50 minute nap periods on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays,” --Purely Practical Pragmatics Professor.

Our staff tried unsuccessfully to obtain a one-on-one interview with the Rogue Rooster, but found it to be incredibly shy, flying into the large Banyan tree on campus to avoid confrontation.

“The rooster? I love it! As an engineering student I truly appreciate its sporadic and completely random crowing; it keeps me awake so I can complete all of my studies. I hope the computer science guys make a few more and spread them out all over campus. One isn’t enough!” --Extremely Ecstatic Engineering Enthusiast.

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A Modest Proposal UH Hilo’s Academic Services propose a four-year ‘academic trap’

Sarah Kekauoha | News Editor Denarose Fukushima | Contributing Graphic Artist

Students love school so much, they don’t ever want to leave. With the Academic Services proposing a four-year ‘academic trap’ system, students can do just that and stay even longer! They can either graduate within the appropriate four years and obtain their first degree along with severe symptoms of insanity and dysfunctional behavioral problems caused by unaccommodating school administration, or, with the academic trap system, they can decide to stay a semester or two longer. Before the trap, students found themselves plowing through the rigorous college courses, finding that on the last semester they either missed a pre-requisite or general ed class, some credits didn’t transfer or they took classes they didn’t need (and these became known as “electives”). The Academic Services explained that by deliberately crafting the four-year academic traps, UH Hilo students can stress in their last semesters of school as they realize they need one or two more classes to graduate. “The trap is simple,” said a UH Hilo administrator. “Students feel stressed at their last semester when they don’t have the classes they need. If we don’t give them the signatures and if we make the process as difficult as possible for them, they’ll give up and stay another semester.” “I think the trap is a great idea,” said a faculty member. “The students get to stay here longer and lose all their money on schooling.” Students who don’t fall into the trap get to experience the stress associated with adding or dropping classes, within the first week of school, to make sure they have enough credits/classes to graduate. “I have to run up and down campus to get signatures to add a class late,” a senior majoring in Kinesiology said. “It’s really stressful. I have so much anxiety, especially when waiting for the dean’s signature, even though she was standing in the office when I needed her to sign.” Some students realize they’ve been attending school longer than needed because the Admissions Office didn’t transfer credits in a timely manner. “I’m so glad I get to stay here longer,” a senior majoring in English said. “I love stressing out over classes I don’t really need to graduate and paying for housing, tuition and transportation when I could’ve saved that money for my career.” Other students realized they needed an extra writing-intensive course and couldn’t get a signature for it. “I went to an administrator to get

a waiver for a WI class signed, but she looked at me and made me explain why I needed the course,” said a senior majoring in Biology. “When I told her, completely flustered, that I needed to graduate, she gave me a lecture on getting my classes straight and told me to type up an explanation. At that point I just didn’t even want to deal with getting the stupid signature.” With the four-year ‘academic trap,’ students don’t have to graduate in four years! They can be trapped in the system even longer and graduate in four and a half or five years! “It’s really beneficial to the students,” says a faculty member. “Students can either choose to stress on that last minute bustle of running around, begging for signatures and paying late-add fees, or just choose to go another semester.” Students realize the proposal allows them to keep out of contact with administration. The administration themselves sigh in relief at not having to make time for students. “It saves me a lot of trouble,” says one UH Hilo administrator. “With the students being trapped a little longer in the system to finish up, I don’t have to talk to them about classes or signatures and they don’t have to talk to me. It’s a win-win situation.” For more information on the four-year academic trap proposal, visit nevergraduate.org.

Interview with a DogJenna Burns | Arts and Community Editor

This Thursday, I met up with one of the few dogs on the UHH campus. He appeared to be distraught because a gang of cats was following him and threatening him. I managed to exchange a few words with him before he ran away frantically, a cat behind him in hot pursuit. This particular dog’s name was Henry. I found it strange that he had a human name, so my first question to him became “Why is your name Henry and not Scruffy or Noodles? Henry seems like such a boring name for a dog.” Henry responded by saying, “Wow. You humans sure are hypocrites. Why isn’t your name Noodles?” To this, I had no response. My next question for Henry was, “What exactly is happening behind you?”“Well, here we can see a classic case of bored cats who don’t seem to like being stirred from their naps,” he said. We laughed, but he still looked alarmed, looking over his shoulder a couple times at a few leering cats. The cats looked fairly menacing, staring at Henry with a steadfast gaze. “How do you feel about the ratio of cats to dogs on campus- do you think there are too many cats in relation to dogs?” He paused for a second to

think, probably contemplating the unfairness of the issue. “Well, being a dog, I definitely think there are too many cats on campus. However, I am not sure if adding an equal amount of dogs to the campus would be a good idea or not. There would probably be a lot of running and chasing- essentially, a ‘Cat vs. Dog’ war.” “So, are there any stress coping methods you use to deal with the amount of cats on campus?” Henry looked at me blankly, probably because he’s a dog and doesn’t know of the current severity of stress related issues in the workplace and schools. I wrapped up our interview by thanking him for his time and asking about his hopes for the future regarding inter-species communication. He just laughed, shaking his head and wagging his tail violently. It appeared to me that he had no hope for it ever happening. With that, I gave him a big hug, and he licked my face. A nice reward for my hard work- nothing is better than a kiss from a dog, and that is something that cats can’t give you with their scratchy tongues. Editor’s Note: Henry managed to escape from the cats. The war between cats and dogs continues.

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UH Hilo will be getting some new art with the installation of a piece titled “Colossus.” Created

by Spanish artist Pablo Picatso and inspired by the Japanese mythical being nekomata, the sculpture will stand near the main entrance gate and is expected to be finished by July 2024. By its completion, the piece, which has been described by the artist as “a creepy fat cat with two tails and flames by its paws,” will stand 50 feet tall and weigh a whopping 3,000 pounds. It will also feature real fire, glowing red eyes and motion-activated speakers that play maniacal laughter at unsuspecting pedestrians. “I am extremely excited to begin erecting this piece,” Picatso said. “It will really help to class up the campus and showcase the plight of the feral feline here at UH Hilo.” Students, however, are not totally sold on the idea. “It’s pretty ridiculous to have a sculpture like that that’s not related to Hawai‘i or our school, except for the fact that we have a million cats on campus,” said senior Allena Ikehara. “I hope it’s a gift to the school, and not actually being paid for by students.” Although the artwork does come with a hefty price tag at $700,001, students will be spared the expense thanks to the government-funded program Art for No Reason at All.

B r i t n e y C a r e y | S t a f f W r i t e r

J a y s e n N e i d e r m e y e r | P h o t o g r a p h e r

Artist pays tribute to cats on campus through pieceUH HILO TO RECEIVE NEW SCULPTURE

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Beauty in the WaterRecent discovery has scientific community reeling

Dennis Fukushima | Staff WriterAvery Berido | Graphic Artist

Marine scientists everywhere are in a frenzy. In the early hours of Mar 8, 2013, the students of a UH Hilo marine science lab spotted a creature believed to only exist in myth: a mermaid. “I couldn’t believe it.” said Jonah Enos. Enos, a sophomore majoring in biology, added “I mean…a mermaid. I’m still in shock.” The mermaid was sighted at Wai’Opae, which is a collection of tide pools located in Kapoho. “She was just sitting there,” another student said. “She had a rusted spoon in one hand, and a satchel made of some kind of sea weed in another. The second she saw us, she frantically dove away. With a few impressive aerial leaps to get back into open water, she was gone.” The mermaid did not look like the monsters Animal Planet presented us with in their mockumentary Mermaid: the Body Found. Rather, this mermaid was more akin to the traditional interpretations of early sailors. With long flowing hair and a blue tail, she was something out of a fairy tale. Unfortunately, no one was able to photograph the creature before she swam off. One student claims that the creature blew a kiss in his direction before diving into the depths. “[The mermaid was] beautiful. That’s all I can really say. It’s not every day you see a half fish, half human hybrid sun bathing.” said Brandy Smith, a freshman majoring in pharmacology. With this amazing find, scientists are clueless as to how they should name the cryptid. Some argue that mermaids are fish, while others claim that they are a distinct species of human. If she is indeed a fish, she may be classified as an actinopterygii neoteleost, which means ray-finned bony fish. Some scientists are proposing to call it an Ichthyo sapien, which roughly translates into “wise fish”. Most are unsure what to call her, as genetic evidence would be required to accurately name it. To explain the existence of Ichthyo sapien, many are turning to the ‘aquatic ape theory’, which suggests that an ancestor of modern humans evolved into an aquatic being. Others believe that this is witchcraft at its finest. “The devil is among us!” One student shouted as the mermaid swam off to open sea. Of course, this isn’t the first time mermaids have been spotted around the Hawaiian islands. “Historically speaking, mermaids were spotted around the islands. When Captain Cook first arrived, he documented various sightings of mermaid hair. He had his crew looking for mermaids based on the hair samples he found.” Jennifer Turner, a marine science professor at UH Hilo, said. “I was a little disappointed that she didn’t sparkle.” Turner added. “Is there a possibility that this was a hoax? No. That mermaid was 100 percent real.” Jordan Dossantos said, a junior majoring in marine science. Mermaids are found throughout various cultures spanning the whole world. Sometimes she is an omen of an approaching storm; other

times, she is sign of good fortune. Mermaids can be either fresh water or marine, and typically feed on the creatures that surround them. According to home.messiah.edu, mermaids are known to eat fish, cephalopods, mussels, crustaceans and various sea weeds. The web page also suggests that mermaids enjoy sun bathing, explaining why the students saw her on the rocks. To fully understand the anatomy and behavior of mer-people, scientists need to contact the merfolk and get a hold of their biological records.

If you are a mermaid, or know anyone who is a mermaid, please send your information to Ke Kalahea. The staff

will ensure your data is given to the proper officials.

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Cat Word Search!Z T Y X P Q I J X

O Z O R F G V T B V G L

D L M R A P Y G W K Z P A N K P H M O F

B C Q M O C N T U Y L K F P Y K S U M H P L

A M Y I M F A U D H C A W C W M K H R X J B

M Y Z Z J B N W C T G U H Q H I H U Y X R G I O B

W X W Y L R L I A T R I A W S B E F A E W L Y Z T

X L P Z V X Q V T H C U K H N E S D S

R P M U C O M K I H B Z D S L I D V S

A V R P Y X T Q W P S I Z P Y M A P Z B P F L G Z

X F I L B H D V E K E N I C Y B W M A N K S A E P

A B I M E O W S E V M S D J M C E R H Q V U R T F

T K F C E S U R O I W H R O A J R W O K B F

A Z Z Y D O S U R G I A G R Y D S E H A A R A L E

E C W W M V S C A T N I P V A F C Y E W E U Z S I

R A J W E J M V I O O F X W R M Y R A T S T A

T W W E L Q D E P C L P R W D I H N T A S

R W Z H D Y W P L A Y F U L N L U E E W F

R X V Z M T N V K E

R Q B O J K P U Y D J J

F J T Q S C O A A M H M G N H I S K E A O

S E M Q M R C N H K Q M W F Y Z X Z X U B

P X E H S R A E I G G Z H X O T I W M

S T G M C L M O Z X G I I I I N V

Y I Z G I R P W P X F U B

H D S X S L A N A

V C F

Words to find:

Feline Catnip Playful Mouse Meow Paw Tail Mischievous Adorable Whiskers EarsFat Kitten Treat Purr Tuna Adventurous

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DISCLAIMER!!! The Rants & Raves allow students to express their opinionsanonymously and appear AS IS. Ke Kalahea does not edit these submissions for grammar, spelling or punctuation. Rants & Raves that are discriminatory toward individuals in regards to race, religion, gender and/or sexual orientation will not be printed. Rants & Raves do NOT represent the views or feelings of the Ke Kalahea Staff.

Aloha for the group putting up political jargon on the free board, please stop. Please leave the free board above the old book store, free of political propaganda, so it can be used for it’s intended purpose.With your new free time you can help the poor, do something constructive for society instead of screaming your propaganda with your political bull. If I still see this up next week I’m calling the administration to put in a formal complaint

PJ you are so handsome. that smile, ooh lawdy that smile.

WTF?! Does Sodexo even wash their vegetables before using them? My lettuce tasted like it were soaked in pesticides!

I think we should have more dance clubs on campus besides INT! or maybe a dance team!!! That would be awesome! And the dance team could perform at home games!!

What is up with Kehau dining hall serving chicked every single day of the week?

Courtesy of Britney Carey & Dennis Fukushima