I'm Cat by A.A.
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Transcript of I'm Cat by A.A.
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Im Cat.
We are born alone, we live alone and we die
alone. Everything else is just an illusion.
Alison Alejandro
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Hi, Im Cat, Im Annie, Im Deb, Im Mia but I wish Id be Annaand Im Sue
I want to be beautiful, the type of beautiful that takes your
breath away, is it being skinny so much to ask for? Is it being
accepted by this society as good as they promised it would be?
As I self-harm Im called Cat, as I am an anxious girl Im called
Annie, as I am depressed my name would be Deb, as I am a
bulimic Im named Mia.
As I want to suicide, I shall be called Sue.
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Index
Prologue .
1.
My daily life(Deb) .
2. My first time with
Cat.
3. My first time with
Mia
4. My first time with
Annie
5. This aint real!
.
6.
Wish Id never grown
up.
7. Death at my
door
8. Sue
9. Epilogue
Prologue
The first time that I knew something about my best
friend from elementary school -years after we hadlost touch - was to hear that she was actually in the
networks of self-harming. This totally shocked me, I
already had heard about other girls from my school
doing it, but the thought of the little girl in school
being so depressed just turned me down.
I started to investigate about this with the girls who
self-harmed and where close to me. Luckily, they
opened their hearts to me and I realized those words
should actually be heard by everyone to raise
awareness on this social problem that has become
like a virus on teenagers.
Within my investigations I discovered that these boys
and girls parents where the only ones who could
make a real change in these peoples lives. It is
important to make also parents raise awareness
about how important they are to their child, and how
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they can damage his or her life just by not taking
enough care of their offspring.
When I had the task to make a mini book about
whatever we wanted, it just came out, it just totally
came to my mind this was the opportunity that I had
to make this important theme be heard. My intention
over here is not to make a full analysis of the book,
because thats something the reader should discover
by himself/herself.
But it is important to emphasize that the purpose of
writing this book is not to make people feel
compassion about girls who self-harm, who are
bulimic or have any other problems that the girl of
our book has. The purpose is to make people reflect
about the importance of this delicate issue. They are
not crazy, they are just not feeling ok. By taking their
own words and experiences I want to present the
book Im Cat based in real facts and as crude as
reality is.
Additional Information:
Catmeans self-harming
Anaand Miaare anorexia and bulimia
Debmeans depression
Anniemeans anxiety
Suemeans suicidal
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Im Cat.
Chapter 1
My Daily Life
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I dont think that people actually understand how self-hate
works, you just cant stop. Its even worse when you are hiding
it with a smile. Its like people always are seeing you without
actually looking at you, hearing at you without listening.
Anxiety has become into a thin scream of fear trickling through
my mind, it encouraged cuts, a channel into which all other
thoughts are drained.
It isnthard to imagine how my daily life is.
Today I woke up, and it was like I had been dead for a long
time, for my whole messy life. Dead inside of this alive awful
body, I wish Id be actually dead.
I dont eat in the morning, I just take a shower while watching
yesterday scars, it wasnt a good night, my mother and I
fought. Shes never at home in the morning so I can get a rest
of her strong personality. After all these years with her, I have
learned that we live alone and we die alone, everything else,
love, friendship, family those things are just a freaking
illusion. And just when you think everything is going to be fine,
which means you are safe to trust and love again l ife will hit
you like a ton of concrete.
Everyone will be broken at some point of life, and so often, it
will hurt like hell.
I am a quiet girl, a shy one, but Im going insane. I am anything
but simple. I wanted to love myself, but how could you love a
monster? How cold you actually even look at someone like
me?
I walk to school everyday, though I could take the school bus, I
prefer to walk and get lost in my thoughts. I actually get a
strange route to get there. Everyday I see the same old man
exercising since her wife died, the same officer walking like if
theres nothing else more important than being early at work
and the same street dog looking for food in the trash, I used to
feed that dog when my mother took me to school when I was
about five, when my father died she said What are you
waiting for? Dont youhave legs? Im not taking you.
Nobody does. Nobody looks at me. Nobody cares about me. If
I die, nobody would actually cry.
My mom used to be happy once, but when I was turning 13,
my daddy died. My mommyas I used to call hergot broken,
she got very mad at me, like if I was just a huge, hard rock in
the way of her life. I did not understand what the hell was
going on between us, we used to love each other.
She used to love me.
Mamma started to smoke after my daddys death. See?
Everything is just an illusion. Nothing good exists in this
nonsense of life.
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Being alone is the best selfish thing you can do in this stupid
life, in that way you will never hurt anybody, and nobody will
hurt you. It is been proven for all these years.
Just look at me, Ive totally messed up my mothers perfect
life, I wish instead of my dad I was the one whos dead. I
understand why she hates me, daddy wouldve never died if it
wasnt for me, daddy saved my life.
Why did he? Maybe he never thought that my life would be so
miserable without him.
Hes the only thing I miss about love. With him I was happy,
but happiness is just an illusion.
Chapter 2
My first time withCat
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I remember once I was crying while cooking dinner. I really
wished her to come and say: Baby its okay, everything will be
fine, were gonna get over this But what Ive got wasnt
exactly like that.
Are you crying?she said tenderly with a voice that made me
happy, that calmed me down. I turned around with tears in my
eyes, so wet. Now that I think it more carefully, I must have
been so ugly at that moment, so stupid, so ridiculous.
What the hell are you crying for?!she yelled and got me
scared, so miserable.
Mommy, I just - I said crying louder, so freacking broken.
No! I couldnt care less about you crying! How could you
actually be sad? The only thing you have to do in your life is to
study! You dont know what pain is! she turned around
furiously and left me behind.
In that moment I realized that mommys girl was already gone,
instead I felt like theres a part of me that didnt grow up, that
is hidden inside of me. Shes just depressed I thought - I
have to be strong for her. Even though she yelled at me everyday I resisted crying, holding everything deep in my heart. Like
if I was spending a lifetime stuck in silence, afraid I would say
something wrong. I held it in like for a month.
Until one day I couldnt keep doing it anymore.
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- Die! Thats what you should do! Why do you do this to
me? Get away!
- Mommy please just this time dont hate me
I felt it coming, I saw it coming and suddenly I have to tell it
to myself that mamma is gone , I m alone, Im alone, Im
alone. Im alone I am alone
And its the only thing I have for sure.
I got desperate , I got into my room, closed the door
furiously while listening to my mother yelling at me, and I
stayed in front of the mirror, my face looked so haggard with
the tears all around massaging my face with fire. I am mad atme, I hate me, I have to punish myself because it is what I
deserve.
I break the face in the mirror looking at me by throwing it to
the floor, theres a lot of mes now looking at me, with that
awful look of a crying sad girl, all I want to do is to hurt myself,
I feel I need to I feel I need to Cut.
I slowly pass one of the pieces to my right hand, Ive heard
about this before, Ive seen girls who self-harm I know itswrong but they should have done it with a good reason,
right?
I take the piece of mirror to my right leg, and I take the
sleeping dress out and then without looking I make my first
cut I look at it, Its just like a hole in my skin, and then its
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getting full of blood, I sadically smile to the unstoppable
bleeding, I smile a lot, like I hadnt done it a long time ago I
feel free, like everything is going through that blood,
everything is going out from my body and out of my mind,nothing else matters than this moment of peace, and I want it
to last, so I make my second cut above the first one, but this
time I look at my leg while cutting, God, it feels so nice, it feels
so free.
I feel free.
I am calmed down by now, Its hard to remember Ive been
sad about such an stupidity like that. Mamma yelling its not
going to be something strange for the rest of my life. I got into
the shower, still bleeding out, When I turn it on, a lot of water
with blood starts to flow all around me, and I feel nothing
about that, I just stay there looking at my blood painting the
pure water, just like as my fathers death did to me, it painted
my pure heart with dark black.
I deserve this, I really do, and nobodys gonna stop me from
punishing my body.
I get out of the shower totally cleaned up, I do not feel guilty
about cutting my leg, I feel guilty about my birth.
Theres another freacking mirror in my room, its a nice room.
For a 10 year old happy little girl.
In the other mirror I can see myself as I was born, naked,
totally naked. And I hate it, I start to notice that I have no good
shape. My legs are too fat, like if they do not even have
enough space between them, my arms, God I hate them, andmy face is so rounded.
And of course there it is, my stomach I hate it, I really do, I
am such a horrible girl.
Tears come out of my eyes. And I feel I actually need to do it
once more, I need to cut my other leg to stop crying, because I
have to be strong.
I hate myself now.
I cut so deep that blood is all around my floor and I have to
clean it up and throw it to the garbage like if I was just having
my period or who knows what the hell else.
I wait until the blood stops going out, and all I have in my skin
is a big and deep scratch. I went to my bed to sleep, Im so
calmed down by now, that I can sleep after a long time.
.
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Chapter 3
My first time with Mia
Two months have passed since I adopted Cat in my life, and shes
still here, shes still being me and shes everything I have by now.
Today we changed classes, and at lab class something very exiting
happened.
I met a boy today, a cute one, the one that takes your breath away
and lifts your feet off the ground. Hes my partner for lab practices
and I will be with him two hours per week, the most exciting hours
of my life. He has brown deep eyes and blond curly hair, hes very
tall and has a beautiful voice, Im pretty sure hesa singer.
We were assigned our seats by the teacher, and when I saw him Im
pretty sure my heart stopped for a second.
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Hihe said with a smile, OMG! Is killing me!
- HeyI replied
The teacher started to explain the class. And we were supposed to
start working.
- Can you do that for me? I dont feel like working today he
said with his cute face and with a wink. Those two gestures
totally made my day.
- Yeah, sureI said with a smile, a real smile. Like the ones I
used to have when my daddy lived.- Thank you darlinghe said, touching my chin softly.
- SureI said again with a smile.
I worked almost everything, and when the class finished he touched
my head and said thank you.
His name is Xavier Brown, he is very popular because of being at the
football team and for being with most of the cute girls of school.
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As good moments never last forever his girlfriends appeared when
we changed classes, they are all cute and popular, and of course,
they all love Xavier.
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Hey Chiara, I saw you talking with Xaviersaid the queenbee. As Im not used to socialize with anyone, I turn around
and start walking awayhold on hottie! We dont want to
be mean!
Wait, they dont want to be mean? And Im Superman? Yeah
sure, keep talking. I stare at her. This is so creepy I cant believe
it.
- Weve seen youre cute and since today Xavier talked with
you maybe you could spend some time with us, come to myhouse todayshe said giving me a paper with an address.
- Thank you. And my name is Andrea.
I turned around. Is this actually happening? I am not the kind of
girl whos noticed. As I said, its just a waste of time being like
that. Should I actually go? No. Im definitely not going with the
popular girls.
I have all my classes, and I walk to my house, I need to think, so I
get the longer way to get there. I was lost in my thoughts until I
heard the thunderous beep of a pink Jeep with some girls and
two boys, one them is Xavier the other one is a popular boy
called Matt and the girls are the ones I saw in the morning.
-Hey hottie!the queen bee saysget in here! Lets go to my
house.
- No, thank youI keep walking until that voice inside my mind
makes me stop.
- Come on, Andrea! Its Xavier, and hes asking you to go with
him in the same car.
Then I think -My mother is going to kill me if I go out without
asking for permission, but well even if I ask Im pretty sure she
wont give it to me. Wait Am I actually considering this?-
Xavier gives me his hand, and I stop thinking and just get into
the car.
Strangely it feels like if they were taking me to my house.
I spent the trip right by Xaviers side, listening to the blondie
conversations everyone has here. And they are actually all
blond, Im the only one with brown straight hair, everyone e lse
has blond-curly-perfect hair. I feel out of tune in here, but I have
Xavier here. When did I start to care so much for him? I just met
him this morning! Im so stupid.
When we got into the huge house of the queen bee Sandy, the
servants welcomed us like if we were from the family, everyone
smiles, I just feel weird. All these servants are actually smiling at
me, and they are not dressed as servants would be dressed,
their clothes are like if its too cold inside. And actually it is, it is
as cold as it would be in the park that is close to my house, Im
freezing.
The queen bee walks us all to her living room, the way to get
there is illogically longer than someone could imagine it should be,
but all the walls are perfectly painted, all the walls are perfectly
decorated, I touch them, and electricity goes through my body while
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I blink and as I close my eyes I see my own house, but when I open
them again, Im in hers. I cant stop touching the walls, they all feel
familiar, horridly familiar.
What am I doing here? Why did they invite me? Why is Sandy sorich and perfect? Why do I care about this whole thing?
- Do you drink?a voice interrupted me, its Xavier extending
a beer to me with a cute smile, hes actually being kind with
me. But why? Is this real? This was just so fast that I cant
believe it I have to leave I have to leave. I stand up and
say No, thanks. I have to leave to
- Wait!Xavier said standing up tooIf you dont want the
beer just say it, but stay pleaseeverybody stopped talking,
and I feel like I have to drink that freaking beer.- No, dont worry I say sitting peacefully by his side, smiling
Give me that beerI say taking the beer and starting to
drink, it tastes like nothing.
- Do you smoke?After a while, he asks me.
- No I ve never.
- Try it - Said the queen bee defiantly.
- No If she doesnt want to its okay right, Matt?says
Xavier appearing like the good guy.
- Yeah, sureSays Matt without giving importance to all of
this.
- OkI sayIll do it.
I take a deep sip of the cigarette and I start coughing like if I was
dying. Everybody laughs and I look at them ashamed.
- Dont worry, its always like that the first timeSays Xavier
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I give a smile when I hear this, and everybody laughs again. After a
while boys have to go to a practice, and now its just the girls and I.
Dinner is served. I eat everything, and also the girls do, but they eat
even more and more how can they be fit if they eat so much?
After we finish Sandy asks: Okay whos gonna be the first? We only
have twenty minutes before its too late
Everybody except for me put their hands up.
- Youre not doing it? Then how can you be so thin? Jennifer
asks surprisingly, but Im even more surprised because she
thinks Im thin.
- Im not that thin I say.
-
So, you are not a bulimic?Sandra asks.- No, Im not I say in surprise.
- Dont you feel guilty with all that food inside of you? Well, I
do, Im going Sandy says.
It never occurred to my mind these girls puked to have
those cute bodies . They all get up and go to the restroom.
Maybe just because of curiosity, I would go with them to the
restroom.
They all start to take their toothbrushes as it was something
natural and first it goes Jennifer, she pukes a lot, itsdisgusting. Then it goes Sandra, disgusting. Now the queen
bee also does it, her friends holding her hair.
- You should do it also, you know? It aint that hard, you will
feel freesays Sandy.
- Youre gonna tell me that you actually like all your body?
Jennifer says while she brushes her mouth.
I actually dont like my body, I do not feel good with it.
- I gotta goI say.
- We chose you because he likes you, but hes just too stupid
to say anythingSandy says before Im already too far awayto listen to her voice.
Xavier likes me? Im not caring about all this Im leaving I
dont want to be with people, that is what I have chose.
When Im home I receive my mothersslaps in the face, also
some hits that leave my skin marked, I dont really care about
what she says and I just get into the restroom of my room.
Youre gonna tell me that you actually like all your body?Those
words stay in my mind killing me. I actually feel uncomfortable
with my body. But I want to eat I really want to eat because
Im sad. So I get into my kitchen and start eating almost
everything in my refrigerator. I eat a lot. I get into my room
again and watch myself at the mirror, I get naked and I watch it
again, its awful, its disgusting. I feel I have to do it. I feel I need
to do it.
But I just need so much strength to do it that I must google it
first, automatically flytoperfection.blogspot.com appears in my
screen, and I get into it. Its just so depressive to watch such a
website like that one. But I keep reading and I find a comment
with recommendations.
Take your toothbrush and touch the bell of your mouth for
about three times, your body will react with that.
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I turn off the lights of my room, my mother would hear nothing,
shes downstairs as always with her cellphone, I suspectshe has
got a new boyfriend or something like that.
I put my hands on the board of the toilet, its cold, very cold andIm shacking, I look at the tooth brush and I slowly put it into my
mouth. I cry, I cant do this, Im not strong enough to do it, but I
have to be. Im still shacking and everything gets colder in here.
I put the toothbrush deeper at my throat and accidentally touch
the bell and I feel my eyes getting red, my eyes should be very
red by now, like when you accidentally do this while washing
your teeth.
I want to be beautiful, the type of beautiful that takes yourbreath away, is being skinny so much to ask for?
- Remember those words?A voice in my mind tells me.
Now, I have enough courage to do it. It has to be like getting a
vaccine, right? The fastest the easiest.
I do it fast. I put the toothbrush deep into my throat and touch
the bell about three times. My eyes get very red and I start to
throw up, the first t ime just a little part of my meal gets out, like
if my body rejected to take it all out. But as I repeat the processeverything gets out, and my bell hurts. It hurts a lot, I actually
start coughing, and I cough some blood.
Now Im also Mia.
Today I woke up with a good mood thinking about Xavier. But When
I stood up and felt the emptiness in my stomach I started to get
depressed. Was it a mistake to do what I did yesterday? Am I doing
it again today? Am I doing it again for the rest of my adolescence?
Am I doing it for the rest of my whole life?
I dont want to eat any breakfast today, but I feel like Im about to
faint so I went to the kitchen and took some milk and bread.
At the instant that I swallow the food my body starts to deny it and
making it go back disgustingly, but I swallow it again and it feels
heavier than normally it should feel.
Luckily it is too late and I have to go, I turn around and I do not look
at Mia in the mirror.
When I get downstairs I see a note on the fridgerator I had to travel
for work.
- Shes traveling a lot for work now, huh?I think loudly.
As I was about to open the door I hear the beep of the pink jeep.
- Hey hon! We came to see you!Sandy says.
This is so creepy, they might not have good intentions.
I just get in there without saying a word and they are all laughing,
are they always together? Even in the mornings? Its too early for
them, I have always known that they get to school kind of late, didthey get here early just for me? This is so strange
Sandy is actually taking a route that looks like the one that I always
take. I can see it, there is the old man running, but hes running
with his wife. She actually never died? I got some wrong news?
Maybe all this time she was just sick, or perhaps he got another old
woman to love. And theres also the officer, but hes walking , and
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hes not dressed for work, did he get the day off? Wait hes
walking to his family, he has actually got a family, huh? And the
street dog? Maybe Im about to see the street dog. Maybe hes
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So, Andrea how you doing? Jennifer interrupts mythoughts, and as Im about to answer I hear the jeep and I
see that we have got to school.
- Ok, baby. It was nice to see you, bye! Sandy says and I
open the door. This is strange.
As I get out of the car I notice I never said a word while I was there.
- Thank youI say with a smile. Maybe they are not that bad,
right? Maybe its safe to trust them
By the way, I wonder how they got my address.
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Chapter 4
My first time with Annie
My address.
How did they get it? They searched for it? I think about that all day
long. I mean If they searched for my address they might not be
bad, right? I never listened to what the teacher said, its like if I wasfalling asleep And then I open my eyes as the teacher yells at me.
- Mrs. Johnson, go to the restroom please, and wash your
face, you look like a dead girl, youre getting me sad
everyone laughs, they always laugh at me.
I want to skip this class, so I get in the toilet and after a while I hear
high heel steps getting into the bathroom and some voices start to
talk. I recognize them as the queen bee and her slaves.
-
Oh, I hate her!Sandy starts- Yeah, I also doSandra saysshes a bitch, because of her I
will have to attend summer school!
- Just like that?Jennifer asks. I dont want to get out of the
bathroom.
- Yeah!Sandra repliesWell, not like that She said that If I
get a sixty in the finals she will let me go, but do you think
Im actually gonna make it?
- Yeah, sure you will, darlingSandy says laughing.
I hear their steps getting off the bathroom, and I slowly andsuspiciously open the door of where I was.
- Oh honey, you where in there?I hear Sandys voice and I
turn around.
- Oh, you were still here? Maybe other people went out the
restroom.
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- YeahSandra says laughingWe were talking about the
bitchy teacher of math, I hate her.
- Yeah, Im sorry I heard that I say.
- Doesnt matter says Sandra.
- But wait, Im good at math, I can help you if you want, at the
end of the next period which is near the recessI say.
Maybe its good to open my heart again.
- Really, you would do that for her?Sandy says.
- You are so kind!says Jennifer.
- Thanks darling, I though my vacation would be ruined just
because of this chicken mind over here.
- Well, I have to goI say smiling and Sandra hugs me, its
actually something I havent got in years, one hug.
They are so nice.
I pay attention for the rest of this hour, and at the next one I see
Sandy, Sandra and Jennifer walking to the classroom, and I smile at
them, they do not smile me back. Maybe they didnt noticeme.
Yeah, its just that. I pay full attention to this hour and as the bell
rings I get to Sandras sit.
- So, hey girls! Here I am ready to helpI say with a smile
- What?Sandra says putting a face of disgust.
-
I mean, you said you had bad grades in math at therestroom, dont you remember?
- Are you nuts?Says Jennifer hugging Sandra like if she was
protecting her.
- I dont know how the hell you heard that, I thought we were
alone thereSandy says mad at me.
- But I talked with you!I say in a loud voice. Now everyone
notices we are talking, and they all start to watch.
- What the hell is going on with you freak? We dont know
you, you are someone very unimportant to talk, why in the
world we would speak with you?!?!?Sandy says.
- But girls...I say about crying. I feel broken hearted.
- Shut up and get a life! We are not your friends! Dont you
dare heading back a word to us!Sandy yells at me and I run
away as everybody looks at me scared.
I run a lot until I get out of school. In the back of the whole
building, nobody except for the ants and the frogs are in here. I
just sit in the grass and start crying. I trusted them and they did
this to me?
I take my legs and start to tremble. Everything is coming to my
mind now like a dark rain. My dad, my mom, when I used to
have friends and this year of crap... Every single word is in my
mind, rolling and poking me.
I have been dead for a lot of time, for my whole messy life.
Everyone will be broken at some point of life, and so often, it
will hurt like hell.
I wanted to love myself, but how could you love a monster?
How could you actually even look at someone like me?
I sadically smile to the unstoppable bleeding.
Anxiety has become into a thin scream of fear trickling through
my mind, it encouraged cuts, a channel into which all other
thoughts are drained.
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I feel free.
When I turn it on, a lot of water with blood starts to flow all
around me, and I feel nothing about that. I just stay there looking at
my blood painting the pure water, just like as my fathers death did,it painted my pure heart with dark black.
I deserve this, I really do, and nobody is gonna stop me from
punishing my body.
Can you do that for me? I dont feel like working today.
Ok baby. It was nice to see you, bye.
Sandra hugs me.
I tremble even more, I feel I want to cut myself, but I have
nothing around me to do it, so I just scratch my skin as hard as I
can, taking out a lot of skin, watching blood coming, and then I
just tremble even more, I think about everything, and I scream
while I pluck my hairs out of my head. I cry a lot until I fall asleep
there in the grass.
Im Annie now, huh?
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Chapter 5
This aint real!
When I open my eyes again I hear the bell ringing and my stomach
hurts of hunger, its getting dark, and the bell is not for students, its
just the bell that rings all day long.
Ocean Side High School is empty by now, and I have to get inside ofit to get my stuff.
Every single step I take echoes in my sense of hearing. Its cold in
here and I breathe humidity between the walls, food grime on the
floor, and boys transpiration in the showers.
I get my purse and I get out of my classroom walking again outside.
Everything is calmed down here, and its getting darker and darker.
-
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!I hear a loud feminine laughbehind me. I turn around scared, its like someone just
laughed in my ears.
Theres nobody in here, I look everywhere, and theres nota single
soul in this place. It might have been my imagination. I keep walking.
- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!Its frenetic. Now I actually
hear it like it was in my back. I dont want to turn around, I
really dont, but I do it by instinct. I slowly turn around.
And there she was.
Thats my best friend I think.
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And there she is. A thin girl, a very thin girl smiling at me. She could
have been very pretty, she has long legs, dark hair and blue
translucent eyes. Shes smiling a lot, she has dark circles above her
eyes, I can see her bones perfectly, she has a perfect body. People
might think she is too skinny, but shes not, she looks perfect,
amazing.
- Who are you?I ask loud like if theres a lot of noise around
me.
- Somebody who knows youShe says.
- Whats your name? I ask.
- My name is Andrea, just as youShe says smiling even
more.
- Why are you here? You are from my school?
-
No, I am not. I am somebody who knows you. Im your best
friendShe says like if I couldnt remember her.
- I have no best friend, and I have never got oneAs I say
this, its like if I was fixing myselfwith a knife in the heart.
- How can you not remember me, Andrea?She says
walking two steps closer to me.
- I have never seen you beforeBy now, shes getting to the
light, and her hair looks a little bit like mine.
- I know what you didshe says radically with a face of
disgust stepping back to the darkness.- You know nothing about me, I dont know you and you dont
know meI say trying to explain myself, now my head is
hurting.
- Yes, I do know, I was there with you Andreashe says
opening her eyesToday, all those scratches you did in your
arms, all that blood, all those thoughts. I understand you
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How does this girl know that? Nobody was there with me, I was
alone.
- No, I never did thatI say denying it.
-
Dont try to lie to me Andrea! She yells closing her eyes,smiling, she walks about four steps closer to me.
- But I was alone! Its impossible you know something like
that!I also yelled so scared. How does she know all of
that?
- Because I know everything about you, I told you, I
understand you. Its okay. I also know what you did to him
She says walking even closer to me, getting to the light. She
looks like me, but very thin.
- To who?I say walking two steps towards her.
-
I know what you did to your fathershe says laughingits
just so fun!I fell into my kneesI know what you did, and
its okay sweetie it sounds like my mothers voice.
- I did nothing to him! I swear! It wasnt my fault! I yell at
her, crying!
- Yes, you did babyshe says with a low voicesh, sh, its
okay, I know what you didshes getting even closer to me.
Shes standing in front of me, she has my face, she has my
eyes, she has my mouth and she has my smile.
-
I did nothing to himI say crying lowerI swear I didnt.She tenderly takes my face in her cold hands, her cold hands
like death. Smiling at me, always smiling at me, she looks so
happy, like shes about to say something grateful.
- You killed your papa.
I gasp and I push her away. As I touch her, my body trembles and I
get cold. I run away again to my house, in the shortest way I have. I
feel like shes following me.
I feel like shes looking at me.
I hear her laughing.
And now I hear my mother laughing.
I have to hide somewhere and I open the door of my house as I see
her smiling at me in the street in some cool clothes I could never use
because Im too fat for them.
I lock the door as better as I can, and my house is empty and dark. I
get upstairs very fast.
And I open the door of my room. Xavier is in there talking with my
daddy.
I get inside and close the door.
- Shes following me I say to them, they both turn around
Shes following me and you are not real.
- What are you talking about my sweetheart?My dad says
and I start to cry, I thought Id never hear his voice again,
even if its my imagination, Im happy to hear him.- Nothing daddy, its nothing, I just
- Oh my God, whats going on baby? why are you crying?he
says standing, I cry even more, even if its my imagination, it
feels just so real. And I want to cry as much as I can with him
-
-
-
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- Daddy, its just that Ive missed you so muchI hug him and
I feel the same heat of his body, its just so familiar. If this
aint real, I want to alucinate for the rest of my life.
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Chapter 6
Wish Id never grown up
Im not alone. Daddy is here, and I feel happy about it. Xavier is
looking at the window. Ill talk to that girl, everything is going to be
fine, he said.
I feel happy. The only thing that is making me worry is that I fallasleep and my hallucination is over. I know this is not real, I know I
have to wake up, but I dont want to.
- Do you know that girl?Daddy says.
- No papa, I dont, I found her and she started to say awful
things.
- What did she say?
- She said that I - I look downshe said that I killed you
there you know, in the accident we had.
-
Oh God! That is such a lie, you know that, honey? She justwants to provoke youThats what he always said
whenever I fought with someone at school.
- Daddy, why did you do that to me?
- What baby?
- Why did you not live for me?I start crying again.
- Because I love you baby, and you are my treasurehe says
touching my face, he starts to feel cold, but I dont care.
- But my mom got so mean when you died, she makes my life
miserable by nowI say mad.
-
Imagine that I never saved your life over there, that I didnt
push you off that street and you died. My life would have
been so miserable, too.
- You could have got other kids with my momI say.
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- No, I dont think we actually could have done that, I would
have never been happyhe says looking at me - Im sorry
about what has happened to you these years, Im sorry I
cant helpyou.
-
I just wish Id never grown up.
- Its something we all have to do baby, Im sorry I also cant
help with that.
- I know daddy, you are not real nowI say slowing down
This aint real!
I close my eyes and they both disappear. But I feel happy that
hes fresh in my brain, Im happy I could hear his voice, even if
that wasnt real. I know that also Andrea, the girl from school
wasnt real. Also the queen bee and her slaves were not real
when I saw them talking at me, I understand it now.
I start to laugh.
I laugh so much that I close my eyes. Xavier wasnt real! Nothing
was! Im laughing so much!
And when I slow down and open my eyes shes there sitting by
my side, and she gasps and then laughs, I also laugh.
- I also wish Id never grown up! she says.
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Chapter 7
Death at my door
She said her name was Andrea but her first name is Ana.
She says I have to exercise a lot to be like her.
She says I have to be strong and stop eating so much.
When I met this girl named Ana it was strange.
But now she always tells me Im fat and shows off her perfect body.
I met this girl named Ana and shes my friend.
The first time I saw her I got scared.
But I dont have to be scared anymore because shes my friend.
Ana is not real, no, shes not. But I trust her.
Im not alone anymore because Ana is always with me.
Ana Andrea is taking me to death.
Im so thin now that you could get scared.
Ana Andrea says its okay.
But people is taking me to the hospital like if they care.
I say no! As Ana Andrea says Im okay!
And they say but you faint!
I have nothing else to say.
I can see its very sunny today.
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Your mom is coming, they tell me.
I say its impossible, she might be overseas.
Hey, baby my mother says.
It looks like she cares, I guess.
Shes dying, they tell her.
I know, she answers with tears in her eyes.
But not yet, we are saying goodbye.Chapter 8
Sue
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After everything that happened, my episodes of schizophrenia
because of my mothers mistreats, me self-harming almost every
day because Ana mistreated me and my malnutrition, my mother
got scared. And she and her boyfriend came every day to see me
and stayed with me a lot of time. My mother asked for forgiveness
and I said she wouldnt have to worry, that everything would be
fine. But my heart is still hurt.
I got some treatment to stop seeing Ana, and they always ask me if I
still see her. I always say that I dont because Ana says that ifI say
the truth bad things are going to happen, my mom is gonna be mad
at me again and my dad is going to die.
I still see my dad sometimes. I know my Ana and my dad are not
real, but I want to see them, so I dont take my medicines.
It might sound bad, but I prefer to hallucinate all my life than loosing
my dad again.
And the thing is that I can see him everytime I want now, and my
best friend Ana is always with us, I do not feel alone, and whenever
they are not with me, Im with my mom and her new husb and Harry.
Shes behaving pretty well. I feel happy about my life now.
Yesterday I heard my mom was pregnant. Yesterday I remembered
all thats been written in this book. Yesterday I wrote this bookbecause Ana said its important that people know.
Yesterday I realized I have nothing to worry about. My life is perfect,
I can see my mom, dad and Harry, and they are all happy. I am not
alone because Ana is with me and she promised not showing off her
perfect body when shes with me.
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Yesterday I realized it was time to leave.
Yesterday I knew it was my time to die.
The thing is that I got so tired of living that I just want to stop doing
it.
Today I bought 30 amphetamines, 30 sleeping pills and a good
bottle of vodka.
Im suiciding today, and I feel happy about it.
I just feel my life is already done.
Im becoming Sue tonight, I think.
By now its about twelve oclock and everybody in my house issleeping. I slowly open the door and get outside with Ana and my
Daddy, they both say Im making the right decision, so they are
coming with me. I walk a lot, until I get to a cheap hotel. I rent a
room in the highest part of the old building. Its about ten floors.
Im nervous, but luckily Im leaving this diary to my mom and Harry.
Im just gonna drink the 30 amphetamines and the thirty sleeping
pills with the vodka while standing at the window.
The pills are making the rest.
Epilogue
When I heard Andrea suicided it was about three a.m. and my heart
just stopped.
I couldnt believe it, I just simply couldnt. My husband and I drove
as fast as we could to the Nightingale hotel that was located in a low
place where we could have been robbed, but of course, we never
cared about that.
There were a lot of policemen and a yellow tape was around part of
the area.
I knew she was going to be there since the first moment. I knew it
would hurt me to see her lying there on the floor, but I walked to
her.
- My baby!I said with a gasp with tears running down from
my eyes.
- Its probable that shedied before crashing to the floora
policeman said.
I felt broken for about a year, and of course I lost my baby.
They gave me Andreas diary but I didnt havethe courage to read it
until today. It was my fault, I know that.
When Andreas daddy died I fell into depression, it was when I
traveled and my current husband discovered I was sick that I got
healed.
But I never noticed how bad Andrea was until she got so thin and
they sent her to the hospital.
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She seemed to be so defenseless, lying there in the bed of a hospital
with a lot of wires and about to die.
Then, I promised myself I would fix this and Andrea would never die.
I promised myself to give her a happy life. And I took her to all thedoctors I could and loved her as much as I could.
But now I see that it was useless. I never took enough care of her,
and she still hallucinated.
Doctors said that if I would have noticed before that she was
depressed, she would have never got to that point.
I made so many mistakes that I regret now.
My mistakes cost Andreas life.
The End.
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How much can you damage
your kid?The book shows how a girl got in the
networks of self-harming as her
mother never payed attention to her.
The question is, how much can you
damage your kid by not paying
attention to him or her?
Andrea is a girl who has lived a live in
depression and has no attention from
her mother who got traumatized
since her husband died in an accident
saving Andrea.
