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INSPIRING MORE MARRIAGESTHAN ANY OTHER SITE

BROUGHT TO YOU BY

HOW TO FINDRIGHT PERSON

the

IN 90 DAYSA STEP-BY-STEP GUIDE IN 90 DAYS

HOW TO FINDRIGHT PERSON

the

YEARS & MILLIONSOF MATCHES

10BASED ON

A STEP-BY-STEP GUIDE

INSPIRING MORE MARRIAGESTHAN ANY OTHER SITE

BYDAWN YANEK

BYDAWN YANEK

here is someone wonderful out there right now, just hoping tofind you. Yes, you. We know that may be difficult to believe,especially if you’ve been searching for a while with little luck—orif you agree with the 52 percent of single people recentlysurveyed who think they’ll never find The One.

Well, at Match.com we know better. You can meet the perfect person foryou sooner than you ever imagined with our 90-day guide to datingsuccess. That’s what our ten years of experience as the industry leader—and the force behind millions of happy matches and many marriages—hastaught us. And now it’s time for us to share our knowledge, insights andadvice with you.

This three-month plan isn’t just for a narrowly defined set of single people.It’s for anyone who’s looking to get back in the game with a distinctadvantage—whether you’re never married, newly divorced, a single parent,straight (or gay), or over 50 and starting over—whatever your situationmay be. We know that the process may seem daunting, but don’t worry—you won’t be alone. We’ll be with you every step of the way. We’ll helpyou figure out what’s been holding you back and show you how to takecharge of your love life. From learning the lessons past relationships holdand boosting your self-confidence to the actual ins and outs of dating,we’ll give you the advice and support you need. Plus, you’ll be able togain great insights from our trove of Match.com success stories.

You may be asking yourself if now is the right time, and the answer isabsolutely, undeniably “yes.” Achieving a happy relationship may be themost important thing you ever do, but it doesn’t have to be a long, painfulprocess. We have the secrets for you to get exactly what you want quicklyand effectively, and it’s all broken down for your ease of use—month bymonth, week by week. With this guide, you can unlock the door to yourfuture happiness (in fact, you may want to think of this as your master keyto love).

So what are you waiting for? Click on Month 1 to start making it happenfor you!

INTRODUCTION

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Dawn Yanek, author of Women’s Best-Kept Secrets and the former sex-and-relationshipscolumnist for Stuff magazine, currently works as a freelance writer and TV personality inNew York City. Like Match.com, Dawn firmly believes there is someone for everyone -finding 'the one' is just a matter of expanding your possibilities.

efore you get out there and start searching for The One, take astep back and think about an even more important person: you.So many of us think that finding our soul mate is about locatingthat elusive special someone or saying the right thing at the righttime. But, as we’ve found at Match.com, the true first step toward

relationship success is focusing on you. After all, you’re pretty darnamazing, and you can lose sight of that when you’re worrying about whatto say on a big date.

So this dating guide is going to start out in an unusual way: with a breakfrom dating altogether. By using this time to do some quick but revealingsoul-searching, it’s possible to change your entire approach to dating inthe next 30 days. Devote this time to analyzing your past and gettingexcited about your future, and, for once, make it all about you. Trust us—this alone time is what worked for the most successful Match.commembers—and it’s just what you need.

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THE FIRST STEP TODATING SUCCESS: SELF-KNOWLEDGE!

efore you decide where you want to go with your love life, you first

have to analyze where you’ve been. According to Jane Greer, Ph. D.,

author of How Could You Do This to Me? Learning to Trust After

Betrayal, “By arming yourself with an understanding of your past

relationships, you’re equipped to protect yourself against repeating negative

behavior and, most importantly, to ensure a different result.” That new result?

Long-term happiness. The next three steps will lay the groundwork for

achieving that goal.

TAKE INVENTORY OF YOURPAST RELATIONSHIPS

Remember when wementioned the good, thebad and the ugly a fewseconds ago? Well, it’s timeto take a little trip downmemory lane with all ofthem. By writing downobservations about yourprevious relationships,you’ll get a sense of thebigger picture and beable to map out how toachieve the relationshipyou really want.

WEEK 1:UNDERSTANDING YOUR PAST:THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY

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BSTEP 1:

Once you’ve filled out this relationship scorecard, look for recurringthemes and patterns. Then code each pattern with a different coloredhighlighter to make it pop out even more. For example, make “involvedwith someone who was emotionally unavailable” one color and “hungaround too long after the spark was gone” another. Some patterns willprobably be good and others bad, but the important thing is to get it alldown on paper so you can review it—and learn from it.

Next, to make sure that learning really happens, show this chart to atrusted friend. Sometimes we’re so tangled in the web of the past, it’sdifficult to see things clearly. Someone who knows you well can provideadditional perspective and help you uncover truths about your past thatyou didn’t even know existed.

ASK YOURSELF WHAT YOU LEARNED ABOUT L IFE, LOVE AND YOURSELF

Your brain is probably awash in all sorts of memories right now, and theyserve an essential function: to help you decide what parts of your pastyou’d like to re-create and what parts you’d like to banish to a galaxy far,far away. “Figuring out what you like and dislike makes you reevaluateyour priorities,” says Greer. “It can make you more open-minded whensearching for someone or more willing to work at a relationship becauseyou know what’s important.” So let’s try a self-discovery exercise that willhelp you reach a new level of understanding about your past and help yousucceed at romance in the months ahead. With that in mind, complete thesentences on the folllowing page

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Use the above template to chart your relationships.

STEP 2:

This exercise is designed to help you view your past in a focused,knowledge-driven way. This perspective will give you a sense ofperspective on what makes you tick when it comes to relationships. Maybeone of your previous partners turned you on to football or Italian wines,and you’ll see that you like being with someone who can teach you abouthis or her passions. Or perhaps you’ll uncover that you tend to change—and not necessarily for the better—during relationships. Here’s what Sue, a

29-year-old librarian from Weymouth, Massachusetts, learned from thisexercise: She became aware that she dropped all of her own interests atthe first tingling of love. When analyzing her past, she found that she“became this guy’s shadow and ended up driving him away. He actuallytold me to get a hobby! Now I know that it’s important to not give up toomuch of myself in a relationship.”

Don’t think that every personal-growth experience needs to be painful. AtMatch.com we know that’s definitely not the case. Look at Catherine, forinstance. A born-and-bred New Yorker who’s now a researcher in SanFrancisco, she describes herself as a city person who found herself datingan outdoorsman. “I learned a lot about myself in that relationshipbecause, as it turns out, I love to camp and ski and hike!” she says. “Eventhough we broke up, I still have that knowledge, which I am so gratefulfor.” It’s these types of wonderful surprises that you need to recognize,embrace and bring along for the ride of your next relationship.

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“I became this guy’s shadow and ended up drivinghim away. He actually told me to get a hobby!”

MOVING PAST YOUR PAST

Sometimes it’s hard to regroup and move ahead in a new relationshipwhen you’re still thinking about the last one. These tried-and-trueMatch.com tips will get you back on track—and ready to go out there andmeet The One.

If you were dumped…Remind yourself why you’re a great catch. “Make a list of your bestqualities and what you bring to a relationship,” Greer advises, “andlook at it whenever you’re feeling down.”

Work out your woes—literally. Exercising distracts your mind, and all ofthe feel-good endorphins it generates can banish a bad mood. Greerhas seen the benefits of taking action firsthand: “One client was goingthrough a bad divorce, and every time she started beating herself upabout it, she’d put on her running shoes. She wasn’t running away fromher marriage; she was running in a new direction. She actually wentdown three sizes and ran a marathon!”

Repeat positive affirmations to yourself, such as “I believe in myselfand all that I can be” and “I’m living my best day, and each day is onlygoing to get better.” Greer believes that “by envisioning the positivecoming your way, you can manifest it.”

If you were the one who did the dumping…Call a friend to remind you why it was a good idea to end therelationship. This also works wonders when you have a burning desireto call your ex at 3 a.m.

Find an activity you love, and do it now. Maybe it’s writing a children’sbook, cultivating your culinary talents or building model airplanes. Byrefocusing your energies on something proactive and productive, you’llput the brakes on feeling guilty or second-guessing your decision.

Envision your ideal partner. Take out a pen and paper, and paint apicture with positive words and phrases. For example, suggests Greer,instead of writing that you don’t want to be with someone who’s late allthe time, write that you want to be with someone who’s punctual. Foran added pick-me-up, peruse the profiles at Match.com to see whomight fit your bill. (Hint: There will be more matches than you thoughtpossible!)

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STEP 3:

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o you keep dating the same type of person—with the same less-than-perfect results? There’s no reason to feel like you’re stuck in

your own personal version of Groundhog Day. Here’s how one 20-something completely changed her love life by drawing up two simplelists. Read on—her technique might work for you, too.

“After coming out of my last relationship, I was totally drained, so Idecided to stay single for a while and think about what went wrong. Iread lots of relationship books and started looking for behaviors in guysthat indicated he wasn’t a good match for me.

“I used my learnings to make a list titled ‘Why It’s Good I Split Up WithMr. X,’ which made me feel better whenever I felt sad about thebreakup, and another titled ‘What I Want in My Next Guy’ in which Ilisted important relationship qualities such as kindness, thoughtfulness,

emotional availability, and so on. Duringthis period I met a lot of guys who wereinterested in me, but they always hadgirlfriends, which was the big problem withmy last boyfriend. With my lists in hand—orat least in my head—I was immediatelyreminded of the problems that dating an

unavailable guy would cause. Then I’d just walk away. That was new forme. I sure can’t say it felt good at first. I started to think that I’d staysingle for the rest of my life—and I became OK with that. I knew itwould give me the freedom to travel the world and to live wherever Iwanted.

“And what happened? I met someone I really like. It was because Istarted to enjoy my life and realized that I was in control of my owndestiny. The lists guided me away from repeating past mistakes. And thistime the relationship is totally different. The right questions have beenasked, and I’m taking it slow. If it works, great; if it doesn’t, I know I cansurvive on my own.

“Taking the time to understand what went wrong in my previousrelationships and working out what I really want in future ones was thebest recipe for actually achieving a good relationship.”

—Cherry, 29, scientist, Boston

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“I started to think thatI’d stay single for therest of my life—and Ibecame OK with that.”

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BREAKING BAD DATING BEHAVIOR: A CASE STUDY

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3 Steps to Success

Here’s how you can follow Cherry’s three-step process to breaking badpatterns and embarking on the road to dating success:

1. Make two lists: “Why I’m Glad My Last Relationship Ended” and“What I Want in My Next Partner.” Review them often to encodethis message into your consciousness.

2. Love your life! Eat at new restaurants, take that vacation solo andtreat yourself well. Your zest for all things wonderful will attractmore admirers than you know what to do with.

3. When you do meet someone you like, compare his or herqualities to the ones on your list. If they don’t mesh, say good-bye. It’s the only way to open the door to someone else whocould be The One.

WHAT YOU LEARNED THIS WEEK:

To analyze past relationships

To understand what worked

To see what didn't work

To learn how to break out of any badrelationship habits and move aheadtoward success!

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WEEK 2:

FIGURING OUT WHO—AND WHAT—YOU WANT

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e’re always so worried about

whether or not someone

wants us that we often forget

to ask the most important

question of all: What do I really want? Maybe

for you, intelligence is more important than

humor or Mr. Fix-It is sexier than Mr.

Personality. “The more specific you can be

about what you want, the easier it will be to

find what you’re looking for,” says Laura

Berman Fortgang, a life-satisfaction expert and author of Now What? 90Days to a New Life Direction. “After all, the older you get, the less timeyou want to spend on the rehearsal.” The following quiz will help youarticulate what you’re looking for in a partner and in a relationship.

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IDENTIFY WHAT YOU WANT

1. When choosing a mate, it’s most important that he or she is…

A good conversationalist.

Sexy and attractive.

Devoted to family.

Intelligent and clever.

Successful and motivated.

2. The sexiest thing that a member of the opposite sex can do is…

Be sexually aggressive and unable to keep his/her hands off me.

Make me laugh.

Teach me something I don’t know.

Do something domestic/a household project with me.

Be slightly unavailable.

3. Finish the following sentence: I am open to finding someone who(choose as many as apply)…

Is divorced.

Has kids from a previous marriage.

Is 10 years older than I am.

Is 10 years younger than I am.

Lives more than 100 miles away.

4. In my relationships, I tend to take on the following role:

The one who fixes problems.

The one who creates problems.

The one who always seems to need something.

The one who’s happy with the way things are.

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STEP 1:

5. When I’m in a relationship, I most often feel…

Relieved that I’m not alone and don’t have to date.

Anxious that something will go wrong.

Disappointed that it isn’t as exciting as it was in the beginning.

Confined and slightly suffocated.

Happy and content. If not, I wouldn’t be in the relationship.

6. I most enjoy being in a relationship because…

I enjoy sharing things with someone I care about.

I feel loved and secure.

I don’t ever have to be alone or tackle things by myself.

I like taking care of someone else.

7. I am most afraid of…

Re-creating my parents’ relationship.

Never finding someone who will love me for who I am.

Not being able to sustain interest in one person for the long haul.

Setting a bad example for my children.

Settling for someone who’s not my ideal match.

8.My friends have this theory as to why I’m still single:

I’m not the type to be satisfied with just one person.

I’m too focused on my job.

I’m always attracted to people who aren’t good for me.

I haven’t found the right person yet.

I prefer doing my own thing instead of having to answer to anotherperson.

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Understanding your answersThere are no right or wrong answers, but what did you learn and can youidentify any recurring themes? Do you prefer to be intellectually challengedor spontaneously sexual? Do you like someone who’s a little dangerous orcompletely stable? How important is it that a mate fit into your existingfamily structure? Are you as open-minded as you think? What’s motivatingyou to seek a relationship at this point in your life? These answers create arudimentary profile of what you want—and that profile may look quite a bitdifferent than you originally thought.

FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU REALLY NEED

There’s a big difference between what you want and what you absolutelycannot stand to be without. According to Fortgang, “Needs are critical.They’re the things you have to have versus the things that would be lovelyto have but that you wouldn’t shrivel up and die without.” Whether youneed to be cherished, mentally stimulated or incessantly groped, theseexercises, created with the help of Fortgang, will further help you figure outwho your special someone will be.

Your needsWhat drives you? What’s the one thing you absolutely have to have in life? In a relationship? What’s the biggest source of frustration for you? In a relationship?What type of relationship do you want right now?What type of relationship do you want in five years?

Your valuesWhat makes you feel happiest?What are the most meaningful accomplishments in your life?What are the things that you loved to do as a kid that you’ve gottenaway from? Which of the following things are you naturally drawn to? And out of those, which are the most compelling to you?(Choose as many as apply.)

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STEP 2:

Risk

Discovery

Spirituality

Winning

Teaching

Inspiring

Power

Beauty

Pleasure

Communicating

Understanding your answersDid you surprise yourself? Maybe you’ve found that you’re guided bypassion and pleasure or that you’re ruled by a need for stability. As long asthese desires aren’t extreme and unchecked (for example, you need to havean unhealthy amount of danger in your life), it’s important to find a partnerwho can fulfill them. “For example, if you need a lot of recognition,someone who never gives a compliment willfrustrate you,” explains Fortgang, “and thenit will become critical to your happiness thatthe person does it.” While values are morenegotiable, compatibility and shared beliefscan help you navigate your way through arelationship more smoothly.

This is not to say that you should dateyourself—just someone who respects whatyou need and helps you in your quest to behappy and satisfied. In fact, as we’ve seen atMatch.com, it can work out very well if youmeet someone with whom you share your core beliefs but have enoughdifferences to expand each other’s horizons. Take, for example, thiscomment from a member of Match.com’s success files, which shows how onewoman won over a supposedly confirmed bachelor: “Peter was looking forsomeone who would ‘keep his attention,’ and here I am, keeping him on histoes and dragging him to visit new places. I was looking for someone whowould question my beliefs, and here he is, challenging things I say andwrite. In short, we are two strangely shaped pieces of a jigsaw puzzle thatsomehow found each other.” We couldn’t have said it better ourselves.

t’s essential to know what you want, but it’s equally important tounderstand why you want it. In addition to the impact of your adult

relationships (which we reviewed above), your upbringing and earlyexperiences are enormous factors—and your current dating behavior maydirectly reflect that. “We’re often drawn to what’s familiar in our past,regardless of merit,” explains Pat Love, Ed. D., co-author of How to Ruin aPerfectly Good Relationship. In other words, even if you didn’t like your

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“If you need a lot ofrecognition, someone whonever gives a complimentwill frustrate you, and thenit will become critical toyour happiness that theperson does it.”

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TAKING A CLOSER LOOK:THE SECRETS HIDDEN IN YOUR CHILDHOOD

father’s temper or the way you interacted with kids in grade school, thosebehaviors are familiar and you may be subconsciously repeating them.

Love suggests the following free-association exercise to get some perspectiveon your past and learn from it:

Understanding your answersHere’s why this exercise is so helpful: “When you look at your answers, youbegin to see what you’re imprinted with and how that affects your behavior,”Love explains. “Either you’re going to be attracted to it, you’re going to re-create it or you’re going to have a reaction formation and do a complete180.”

If the motives behind your needs seem confusing or otherwise suspicious toyou, take a closer look at those relationships you listed in the Week 1exercise. Then, advises Love, add another column to the list and ask thefollowing question:

In this relationship, did I repeat a negative behavior by picking, provokingor projecting?

In laymen’s terms, did you pick someone who exhibited the behavior; provokeyour partner unnecessarily until he or she acted out; or project your ownissues and see a problem where there was none? By knowing where you’recoming from—and writing it down to remind yourself—you’ll have a betteridea of how to stop repeating negative patterns and get to the healthy placeyou want to be.

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Complete the following sentances as you would have before the age of 21.

all, dark and handsome. Blonde with an hourglass figure and a lust foradventure. There’s nothing wrong with fantasizing, as long as your

expectations don’t derail you from finding your true match. Here’s what we atMatch.com want you to know about when it’s OK to hold out—and when youshould analyze your behavior so you don’t automatically take your soul mateout of the running.

You may be too picky if you only want to datesomeone who…

Meets very specific height, weight and appearance requirements.

Makes a certain amount of money.

Lives nearby.

Has the same interests as you.

Opens up to you immediately.

Your expectations aren’t excessive if you wantsomeone who…

You have some sort of spark with, whether it stems from physical ormental attraction.

Finds you utterly fascinating and amusing.

Has basic life views similar to yours.

Shares your relationship goals.

Will be honest with you but still remain a bit of a mystery.

As life coach Laura Berman Fortgang explains, “It’s good to know what youwant, but you can’t be too married to a list. Otherwise you could miss out onthe best thing that could ever happen to you.” That’s what one womandiscovered when she looked for love outside of her hometown on Match.com:“I really didn’t want a long-distance relationship, but John seemed nice andwas good-looking from his profile and our e-mails, so I decided to give it a

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TAKING A CLOSER LOOK:ARE YOU TOO PICKY?

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shot. We met for lunch and got along wonderfully, but he was beingdeployed for three months to the Middle East! We spent the next threemonths getting to know each other over e-mail, and the key to our wholerelationship is that he listened to me. He gave me what I needed, and,amazingly, the whole relationship shifted right into place, just like it wasmeant to be.” But remember: It never would have had she not reconsideredher initial distance requirement.

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WHAT YOU LEARNED THIS WEEK:

To identify what you want in a partner

To understand your needs and values ina relationship

To recognize the lessons that lie in yourchildhood

To understand if you're too picky...andhow to move past that.

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emember: The person you choose to date will be lucky to have you.

And when you find that person, your life will be enhanced, not

completed. By embracing these simple facts, you can change

everything, including the type of people you attract. That’s what

changed the dating luck of Match.com members time and time again.

“Becoming a love magnet means learning to love and accept yourself,” saysLynda Field, a self-help expert and author of Weekend Life Coach. “When youdo that, the vibe you give off is very different than if you’re being needy.” That’swhere confidence comes in. These seven exercises will give you a shot of self-esteem now and whenever you need it most.

DO ONE COMPLETELY SELFISH THING EVERY WEEK.

“People with confidence take time out for themselves and make it a priority,”says Field. Set aside at least one hour a week—and don’t ever forgoit, no matter how crazy-busy you get—to do something thatdoesn’t involve anyone else. For example, take a long hotbath with the newest best-seller in hand, or treatyourself to a sushi lunch instead of a brown-bagged ham sandwich.

SILENCE YOUR INNER CRIT IC.

We all have that nagging voice in our headthat tells us we’ve said something stupid orwe’ll never achieve our goals. Well, it’s timeto get that inner critic to shut its big mouth.Field uses this quick visualization technique:“Imagine the inner critic on a holiday. Put itin a nice lounge chair, on a picturesquebeach, sipping a cold drink.” Every time acoulda/woulda/shoulda thought pops up, recallthis image. The image of a horned devil with asharp tongue loses its edge when he’s sipping abright-pink frozen drink with a little umbrella in it.

WEEK 3:BOOSTING YOUR CONFIDENCE IN SEVEN DAYS OR LESS

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RBOOST #1:

BOOST #2:

GO TO THE COFFEE SHOP WHERE THE WAITRESSES—OR THE OLDREGULARS—ALWAYS FLIRT WITH YOU.

A little harmless attention can work wonders on any ego. Plus, flexing yourown flirting muscles in a safe environment lets you test what works foryou—and builds your confidence to do so when there’s more at stake.

REPEAT AN EMPOWERING MANTRA TO YOURSELF, SUCH AS “ I AMLOVABLE” OR “ I AM CONFIDENT THAT I WILL F IND A SUCCESSFULRELATIONSHIP.”

Field suggests writing down your personal mantra on a Post-it and stickingit near your phone or on your computer. By framing these words in thepresent tense and seeing and saying them regularly, you are willingyourself to feel lovable, confident and successful. And that, in turn, cancreate a self-fulfilling prophecy.

DRESS IT UP A NOTCH.

“I wear my best pair of sexy jeans—the ones that people always say makeme look thin,” says Jennifer, 38, a Los Angeles producer. “If I pair thosejeans with heels, I feel pretty good about myself.” Try this trick on anordinary day, not just when you’re going somewhere special. And men,you’re not exempt from this boost. A few guys who preferred to remainanonymous admitted that a pair of ultra-flattering pants can work self-esteem miracles as can investing in a pair of cool shoes.

GO AHEAD—TREAT YOURSELF TO SOMETHING NICE.

Whether it’s a massage at a local spa or an iPod, you’ll smile and walk alittle taller whenever you think about how you’ve spoiled yourself.

PAT YOURSELF ON THE BACK.

Write down your achievements as you travel down the path to datingsuccess—there’s nothing like progress to put a smile on your face. And tohelp you with this, we’ve even devised a mid-month checklist to get youstarted. Congratulations from us in advance!

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BOOST #3:

BOOST #4

BOOST #5

BOOST #6

BOOST #7

SO FAR I HAVE…

Evaluated my past relationships

Figured out what I want in a partner

Realized what my needs and values are—and where they come from

Boosted my confidence at least twice this week (hopefully, more!)

Good for you! You’re doing great, and you’re more than halfway throughthe month’s plan. So take a few hours to celebrate tonight: Go out for anice dinner with friends, watch your favorite old movie or go get amassage. Think of it as your reward for a job well done.

icking yourself up after a divorce and starting over again can bedaunting—but, as we’ve seen again and again at Match.com, it can also

be an amazing chance for you to reinvent yourself. Here, William Merkel,Ph. D., and Lisa Cohn, authors of One Family, Two Family, New Family:Stories and Advice for Stepfamilies who also happen to be married to eachother, provide some guidelines on how to get excited about thepossibilities that await you.

Acknowledge your fears—and then throw them out the window. You’rea failure because you couldn’t make your relationship work. You might pickthe wrong person again. You don’t know if anyone will be interested inyou. Sound familiar? Many divorcés have the same distressing thoughts, soyou’re in good company. Discuss them with friends and relatives, or see aprofessional if you’d prefer a separate sounding board. Your insecuritieswill sound a lot less frightening when they’re out in the open.

Think less and act more. As you get ready to reenter the dating scene,know this: “A certain amount of social anxiety is normal; too much isparalyzing,” says Merkel. As you begin to date again, don’t overthink it—just do it. Keep in mind that no one knows where things will lead, but theycan’t lead anywhere unless you go along for the ride. And while we’re onthe subject, you’ll want to focus your future on having fun again versus

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CHECKUP TIME:YOUR PROGRESS SO FAR

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DATING AFTER DIVORCE:WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

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single-mindedly thinking about dating again. Instead of going to a singles’bar, take a class or start a social hobby. You’ll meet people with similarinterests, and, adds Merkel, “You’ll feel less pressure to date just to avoidbeing alone.”

Realize that your past experiences have made you a better person. “Insome ways, you’re more interesting than folks who haven’t been through adivorce,” explains Cohn. “You can talk about relationships in a more in-depth way, and you’re smarter about people and the issues that come upin long-term relationships.” See? Your ex was good for something after all.

Keep your expectations in check. As you move forward, know this: “It’sOK to have dreams about a future mate, but don’t go into every datethinking, ‘Would I marry this person?’” says Merkel. “The better questionis: ‘Am I having fun?’ Try to enjoy the moment and avoid worrying aboutthe future.”

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WHAT YOU LEARNED THIS WEEK:

To boost your confidence so you'reready to get out there and get dating

To prep for success if you're datingagain after divorce

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OK, it’s almost time to get back out into the wide world of

dating, but there are a few additional provisions that will get

you where you want to go. The biggie, according to

Match.com case histories? Becoming completely comfortable

with yourself and your life. “You have to have a capital I before you cansay, ‘I love you,’” says Gilda Carle, Ph. D., author of Don’t Bet on thePrince! How to Have the Man You Want by Betting on Yourself. Peopleoften don’t know themselves or believe in themselves enough, and “that’sthe No. 1 reason they don’t get what they want,” says Gilda.

These five final steps will put you on the path to long-term happiness.Now doesn’t that make you happy?

KNOW THAT YOU DESERVE A FABULOUSRELATIONSHIP—BUT THAT IT TAKES TIMEAND ENERGY.

“If you don’t believe you deserve it, you’llnever attract it,” says Carle. In fact, if deepdown you believe that you deserve onlycraziness in your life, that’s exactly what you’regoing to get. So even when you feel awful andthings aren’t happening according to yourgrand plan, it’s important to go back to thisstep.

And speaking of your grand plan,remember that relationships take time, sodon’t get frustrated too quickly. “Theproblem is that we’re all in such a bighurry,” says Carle. “We want a greatrelationship yesterday, and we lookaround and say, ‘Everybody else has it.’

WEEK 4:5 STEPS THAT’LL GET YOU THE RELATIONSHIP YOU WANT

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STEP 1:

No, they don’t. I could tell you a thing or two about the other people youthink have it.” So the next time you’re flustered, close your eyes and takeseven deep breaths—in through your nose and out through your mouth.This works because you’re forced to focus, giving your brain a rest fromthose thoughts and instantly calming you down.

DO ONE SCARY THING THIS WEEK.

So how do you feel about skydiving for the first time ever? Or dancing thetango? “When you do something out of the box in one area of your life, itcarries over elsewhere,” says Carle. “Do things you’re intrigued by butthat you’d ordinarily say no to. It’s different for everyone, so for youmaybe it’s horseback riding, Rollerblading or going to the bookstore byyourself.” In fact, being alone frightens the bejesus out of a lot ofpeople—and that fear of being by ourselves and worrying about whatother people think when we are alone are two big reasons we settle forpeople who aren’t right for us. Change that behavior with the followingexercises:

List five things you’re comfortable doing alone.

List five things you’re uncomfortable doing alone.

Now go out and do two of those things by yourself (yes, the onesyou’re uncomfortable with).

Carle even suggests turning one of the uncomfortable activities into aregular one. Once you make it part of your routine, you won’t evenremember why it frightened you in the first place. And as for the nextthing that may scare you? Bring it on. Now you know you can handleanything. And that’s a truly exhilarating confidence-booster that will spillover into your romantic life (we’ve seen it happen again and again atMatch.com).

FOR ONE DAY DO THE OPPOSITE OF EVERYTHING YOU’D NORMALLY DO.

Think of this as the George Costanza rule of opposites. For George, itworked. Something as simple as initiating a conversation with someoneyou wouldn’t normally be interested in could do the trick. “How manytimes have I heard, ‘Oh, I don’t want to go out with him. He’s not mytype,’” says Carle. “I say, ‘Well, if your type works so well for you, howcome you’re still dating?’ If you’re still single and not happy about it,change your whole routine.” Treat it as a social experiment, and see whatworks and what doesn’t. The results may surprise you.

GET YOUR FRIENDS ON BOARD.

Friends can be your greatest source of support, motivation and sanity. Tellthem about your 90-day plan, what you’ve learned about yourself andwhat you’d like them to do to help you get the relationship you want—

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STEP 2:

STEP 3:

STEP 4:

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whether it’s keeping you on task, watching out for self-defeating behavioror whatever else you need. The people you meet on Match.com can alsohelp immensely. As one woman recounts, “I was very ill [at one point], andthe friends I met on Match.com kept me going. So the site’s not just aboutlove stories and romance but the fact that there are people to talk to.”That’s what helped her pull through, stay focused and eventually meet hernow-husband on Match.com.

It’s also a good idea to have a standing date with your buddies every weekor two. This keeps your support network involved, and—if you meet yourpals at a bar, club or other gathering place—it gets you out in thepresence of potential dates. Worth noting: This isn’t just a step forwomen, reminds Carle: “Men are very afraid of being judged, but theyhave to get over the fear of feeling vulnerable. It’s so worth it.”

OPEN YOUR MIND TO THE POSSIBIL IT IES.

Approach dating with a “hey, you never know” mind-set. For example,John, a 32-year-old business developer in Somerville, Massachusetts, hascome to realize that the unlikeliest person could be the yin to his yang.“Dating someone who is not my type has allowed me to realize that it'snot so much about what you share from the get-go but what you can learntogether and how you can grow together. Now I spend less time trying tofind the perfect person,” he says, “and instead try to meet all sorts ofpeople.” After all, your soul mate may look or act differently than you’dimagined—yet still have similar values and be truly compatible underneathit all. The point is to know what’s most important to you and what you’rewilling to compromise, and then go with the flow. “If the person is at leastmildly attractive to you, go out and see what you can learn,” says Carle.“You never know.”

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STEP 5:

WHAT YOU LEARNED THIS WEEK:

To get your support system in place asyou head off in search of The One

To challenge yourself to stretch andgrow--things you'll need to do as youmove forward and find your match!

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Before you graduate to the next step of this dating program, you first haveto make sure that you’ve mastered the skills it takes to find The One orThe One for Right Now. Check off your progress below, and if you’vemissed a step, go back and complete it now.

Have you…

Honestly evaluated your relationship scorecard?

Prioritized your needs and values?

Figured out the underlying motives for your behavior?

Taken at least four steps to boost your self-confidence?

Mastered the art of getting comfortable with the uncomfortable?

Opened your mind to the possibility that love will arise over thenext 60 days?

If so, then you have completed the self-discovery portion of this courseand are now ready to embark on your search. Next month it’s all aboutexpanding your dating options. We'll show you how to:

Get out there in the dating game

Make small talk with ease

Understand the signals that communicate attraction…

and much more!

At Match.com we know without a doubt that there’s someone perfect foryou out there, and we’re going to show you exactly where to find thatperson. (Hey, they may be only a click away!)

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DON’T PASS GO JUST YET