How to Deal With Chronic Complainers

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to Deal with Chronic Complainers http://lifehacker.com/how-to-deal-with-chronic-complainers-166

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It's hard to be positive and productive when you have someone complaining in your ear all day. Chronic


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complainers believe the world is out to get them, but the truth is that they may not even know that they

complain so much. Here are some helpful tips for handling those that have a penchant for informing everyone

about their hardships.

When somebody is constantly complaining, it's easy to think that they just have a negative outlook on life in th

same way that a pessimist might. The truth is, chronic complainers are a whole different breed. They may not

have a negative outlook on life at all, but they still want you to know that nothing is ever quite good enough. Gu

Winch, Ph.D. at Psychology Today explains the difference (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-

squeaky-wheel/201107/how-deal-chronic-complainers) perfectly:

Optimists see: A glass half full.

Pessimists see: A glass half empty.

Chronic complainers see: A glass that is slightly chipped holding water that isn't cold enough,

probably because it's tap water when I asked for bottled water and wait, there's a smudge on the rim,

too, which means the glass wasn't cleaned properly and now I'll probably end up with some kind of

virus. Why do these things always happen to me?!

Negative people in general are notoriously difficult to deal with (http://lifehacker.com/5988560/how-to-

deal-with-negative-people), but the chronic complainer requires a separate approach. In fact, as Winch further

explains, theydon't even see themselves as negative people. In their mind, the world is what's negative, and th

only know one way to respond to it. Chronic complainers may even be relatively positive people who don't

actually know how to express themselves in a positive light, so it's important you approach them the right way.


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We all have to deal with these people every day, unfortunately. This section is about ways to get through the

conversation at hand, and we'll cover the long term later on. If you're forced to work with a chronic complainer

(http://lifehacker.com/how-to-handle-a-toxic-work-environment-1627385030)or have a family member youjust can't shut out, these tips are the next best thing to getting them to stop. If possible, you never want to

enable this kind of behavior if you can help it, but sometimes you just have to make it through a conversation

alive.

(http://lifehacker.com/5988560/how-to-deal-with-negative-people)

We all have negative type of people in our lives who manage to bring us down on a perfectly good

(http://lifehacker.com/how-to-handle-a-toxic-work-environment-1627385030)

It's one thing to dislike your job, but it's another to feel physically ill walking in to


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Because validation is the key to shutting down a complainer initially, you need to show that you care about wha

they're saying. As grating as it might be, do your best to show that you're actually hearing what they're saying.Geoffrey James at Inc. breaks it down into a simple display (http://www.inc.com/geoffrey-james/get-

complainers-off-your-back-5-tricks.html) everyone is capable of:

Even if the complaints seem ridiculous and pointless, do not roll your eyes, fidget, or check your email.

Instead, nod your head and say things like, "I hear you," or, "That must be really tough." In most

cases, complainers wear themselves out in five minutes or less, unless you're stupid enough to add fuel

to the fire by suggesting a solution. Don't: At this point, you'll always get a response like, "But that

won't work because ..." and the complaining will last that much longer.

A lot of the time, chronic complainers are the way they are because they don't have anyone to vent to.

Sometimes a good venting session is enough for them to get it all out and move on. They want to be heard

andeven if it doesn't matterthey want to be treated like a real person. You don't have to say a single thing

that actually helps or goes against them. Just listen, nod, and show that you're validating their issues.

Now that you've shown them you're listening, you're ready to deploy the ultimate weapons for shutting chronic


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complainers down. Validation is the number one priority, but once you've done that, it's time to sympathize.

Express sympathy as best you can and try to make it as authentic as possible. People can tell when sympathy is

fake, and with complainers that can lead to an "oh great, you think I'm just whining" attitude. It's also

imperative you avoid any kind of sarcasm. You might think their complaint is stupidand maybe even a little

funnybut sarcasm will be noticed and create more problems.

Most of the time, validation and sympathy are enough to soothe any chronic complainer, but there are still som

things you can do for the really tough cases. Deflection is a way for you to respond to them without shutting

them down or telling them they're wrong. Sue Shellenbarger at The Wall Street Journal recommends these

deflection examples (http://online.wsj.com/articles/SB10000872396390444017504577645481036510356),

courtesy of author and speaker Will Bowen (http://www.willbowen.com/):

If they're complaining about a specific person:"It sounds like you and he have something to talk

about."

If they're complaining about a something else:"That's terrible. I don't know how you deal with

that."

When all else fails, give them a different kind of attention:"What's going well for you?"

Similar to deflection is the method of redirection. Essentially, you're changing the subject of the conversation

without making it obvious that you don't want to hear their problem for the millionth time. Guy Winch writes i

Psychology Today that using the task at hand as the focus for redirection is simple, yet effective:

For example, "The printer jammed on you again? Gee, that's incredibly annoying! I know it's hard to

shrug off those kinds of things but I hope you can be a trooper because we really have to get back to the

Penske file..."

Many chronic complainers will snap out of it and get back to what they're doing. They have no intention of

actually doing anything about their problemcomplaining is a habitso a simple redirect is all it takes to shift

their mindset back on to something else.


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Many chronic complainers are wrapped up in the notion that hardship is just a part of their life. They aren'tusually looking for advice despite the fact that they want to share their problems all the time. Even if you gave

them a good way to solve their problem, they would probably not be very happy to hear it. If they ask for advice

it's best to keep it short and sweet.

It's also possible that they'll reject your help after they ask for it, insisting that your advice is useless or "not

relevant" to their problem. This can be extremely annoying, but if you can recognize it, it's easy to keep from

wearing yourself out looking for options. When you recognize a help-rejecting complainer, ask them how they

intend to fix their problem (http://lifehacker.com/handle-complainers-by-asking-them-how-they-intend-to-fi

1651470426). They'll either start thinking of ways to address the issue or leave it alone because they realize tha

nothing can be done.

(http://lifehacker.com/handle-complainers-by-asking-them-how-they-intend-to-fi-

1651470426)

Of all the different types of negative people, complainers can be the most frustrating. One way to


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Most the time it's ill-advised to disagree with a chronic complainer. Disagreement removes any sentiment of

validation you may have been trying to convey and can lead to an argument. Still, sometimes a chronic

complainer is so completely out of bounds (http://lifehacker.com/5991919/top-10-ways-to-deal-with-lifes-

most-annoying-people) that someone needs to blow the whistle.

If you want to be the brave one to do it, there's a safe-ish method you can use. Chrissy Scivicque at Forbes

recommends asking this simple question (http://www.forbes.com/sites/work-in-progress/2012/11/20/how-to-deal-with-chronic-complainers/):

"Do you want my opinion?"

Human nature makes most people inquisitive enough to say, "Yes" to this question. And then, the

person has given permission. They're in control of the conversation. They have asked to hear your

thoughts on the subject. At that point, let the person know that you have a different point of view, but

don't try to convince them. Make it short and sweet: "I hear what you're saying but I see it differently."

Now you can disagree without feeding the fire. They've asked for your opinion and you've given them exactly

what they asked for. Express how you feel and stay true to it. It might be uncomfortable at first, but eventually

they'll move to complaining to someone else when they realize you aren't an ally on the subject.

It's important to consider the fact that you can't change somebody's behavior on your own. The chronic

(http://lifehacker.com/5991919/top-10-ways-to-deal-with-lifes-most-annoying-people)

Let's level for a second: there are some people in the world that are just plain annoying.


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complainers are the only ones that have that power. What you can control, however, is how you handle them

over time. Here are some ways to save some of your sanity and patience down the road.

Chronic complainers are seeking validation in their complaints, not someone telling them they're wrong. Tryin

to cheer them up with a half-baked pep talk won't help them see what can be done or make things better.

Alexander Kjerulf at The Chief Happiness Officer Blog recommends avoiding any kind of cheer up strategy

(http://positivesharing.com/2006/08/a-devious-trick-to-handle-chronic-complainers/):

As in "Oh, it can't be that bad", "Come on, cheer up" or the perennial favorite "Time heals all wounds".

Saying things like this shows the complainer that you're not taking their pain seriously. When you tell

a complainer "it's not that bad", he will often complain even harder to convince you (and himself) that

his problems are very serious indeed.

In the same vein, you never want to suggest that they're overreacting to what's troubling them. Doing so could

lead to them finding other things to complain about in order to convince you things really are as bad as they'resaying. Now, instead of hearing one complaint, you have five more qualifying complaints inbound to back up

their case.


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It's also a very bad idea to complain about them. It can be hard not to when somebody is really bad, but at a

certain point you become a complainer yourself. This can be especially damaging if you get caught in the act or

they hear about it through the grapevine. You'll have a chronic complainer that also dislikes you, and that is no

a good mix.

At the same time, joining in and complaining along with them isn't as helpful as it would seem. You might thin

that you're validating their complaint by chiming in, but it can also increase the likeliness that their problem w

never be solved. They'll think that they're problem isn't just theirs to deal with and assume that someone else

might fix it. On top of that, you're encouraging them to continue complaining through your own example. No

type of complaining is the answer to complaining.

It gets frustrating hearing the same complains over and over while they reject your advice, so it's important to

set your boundaries with chronic complainers. Ultimately, you are not responsible for the happiness or well

being of others. Dr. Rick Brinkman at Self Growth suggests you draw the line (http://www.selfgrowth.com


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/articles/silencing-the-chronic-complainer) when things go too far. He uses a fictional woman named Cathy fo

his example:

Tell her you like her, you want to support her, and that what you are about to share is because you

care about her. Then tell her that you will no longer listen to how bad things are. If she wants to

complain or be negative, that's her choice - but you will not be around for the ride. If you hold that line

(and if your complainer enjoys your company), she may be inclined to talk about something that is not

complaining or negative. Be sure to reward her change of behavior by thanking and appreciating her

when she is positive.

Be strict while enforcing this change and keep a positive attitude. They'll know that you're not upset and they

might see that their complaining really has gone too far. Also, if you have the ability, avoid talking to known

chronic complainers. There is no reason for you to waste your time with someone who is constantly making you

unhappy. People like that can turn a great day into a downer in a matter of minutes, so be strong, and do not

engagerepeat, do not engage.

Chronic complainers are not inherently bad people by any means, but they do need guidance. They can be annoying,

disruptive, and rude, but it's possible to keep your cool and help them along the way. Remember that even chronic

complainers sometimes expose real problems and other legitimate issues, so you should always give them the chance to

explain. Follow up by validating, sympathizing, deflecting, and redirecting, and you'll be all set.

Photos by Elena Nayashkova (http://www.shutterstock.com/pic.mhtml?id=173136380&src=id) (Shutterstock), Arti

Fongfung (http://www.shutterstock.com/pic.mhtml?id=187976666&src=id) (Shutterstock), Paul De Los Reyes

(https://www.flickr.com/photos/noizephotography/3966888703), Eugene Kim (https://www.flickr.com/photos/eekim/13407614425), Kate Haskell (https://www.flickr.com/photos/fuzzcat/35196832), Tech Cocktail

(https://www.flickr.com/photos/techcocktail/14500599575), Christopher (https://www.flickr.com/photos/exalthim

/3928210506), Sigfrid Lundberg (https://www.flickr.com/photos/sigfridlundberg/6087814665), Haifeez

(https://www.flickr.com/photos/belakangtabir/5986714703), Gideon Tsang (https://www.flickr.com/photos/gideo

/6582069).

I came here to learn how people deal with me, to be quite honest.


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Hahaha, now you know their tricks :P

I'm hoping to use some of this info to try and change things internally. I'm fully aware of my bitching, bu

it's like the only sentences I can form 8 out of every 10 times are complaints.

I have a good friend that, at times, is sucha complainer. I truly think that it's a habit by now. I'm sure my

response of "have you looked around lately? Other's have it waaaay worse. It's really not as bad as you

think" is totally wrong. I'm going to try some of these. It's just so borrrring by now.

Ugh, it can be such a drag. They don't care about perspective, only someone listening to them :/

Helpful mostly, but not so much when the chronic complainer is your spouse. Then it's dealing with a

complainer *really* long-term and the spouse often wants you to act on his or her complaints either

because it will show a united front to a human irritant (perfectly nice relative, perfectly capable server) o

because the complainer believes it is feasible albeit stressful and expensive to fix a non-human

irritant ("Let's move out of this frame house because we have to keep repainting it;" "We should change

our child's school because s/he hasn't made any close friends here.").

That can certainly be a much tougher situation, and that's unfortunately one of those things you want to


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catch beforehand. Still, a lot of these tips can help you at least survive those moments. Get ready for a

whole lot of validation!

Here's all you need to know about how to deal with a complainer:

That is fantastic.

Aweome tips but how do the tactics or dynamics change when the complainer is a spouse?


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Mine is one.

I've learned to be very clear about when I've reached my limit. "Honey, I love you, but you used up all my

cares before we'd even sat down for dinner by complaining about work, traffic, some random thing you

read on the Internet, the fact that there wasn't any music you liked during the drive home, the weather

today, the weather tomorrow, and the fact that the children left their backpacks anywhere but the two

square feet of space that you see as the ideal location for them. Complain one more time, and I'm putting

on my headphones and ignoring you for the rest of the evening."

He honestly didn't think he was complaining that much, but all of the above was fit into ONE HOUR of

constant complaining. Once it was laid out, he was a bit chagrined and talked about more neutral topics.

He requires a reminder now and then that I'm not just a sounding board for his gripes.

Tread with as much extra caution as you can muster. If it's bad enough, I'd recommend having a

discussion about it. Hopefully you have an open enough relationship that you're allowed to bring up your

concerns. Be tactful, though:

Hope this helps a little! Remember, if it's bad enough, you're living in a mine field. Slowly and steadily

remove each mine. If you try to rush out of it, you're going to be blown to bits.

Don't say "you complain too much." Say "I'm concerned that you're unhappy because you never

seem to be positive about things."

Emphasize the fact that you're concerned for your relationship, not for yourself. You want them to

know that their complaining is creating a rift between the two of you and you want to be proactive

about fixing it.Ask "What can I do?" instead of suggesting what they should do. You'll likely get "Nothing, but

thanks." Still, it shows you care and sometimes that's all they want.

Bite your lip, listen to what they have to say, and tell them that it "must be hard."

It never hurts to include yourself when something is really touchy. "I've noticed we've been

complaining a lot about things. What can we do about that?" You are a team after all.

If it's super-duper unbelievably bad, stand your ground and explain that you don't want to hear it

anymore. You've tried to be kind, but the complaints have gone too far. Clearly they aren't happy an

now neither are you. Yes, you're married, but no one should have to be miserable for the rest of the

lives because of that. This is my personal opinion anyway, and should be an absolute last resort...


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I'm in the unfortunate position of having to listen to a chronic complainer complain to someone else who

sits next to me. "Stacy, your conversation is making it difficult for me to remain positive and productive"

Is what I'll say next time I feel like telling her to shut the fuck up, and then slowly put my headphones on

while maintaining eye contact. I don't care about this person or my relationship with her so I think this

should be OK.

Totally okay in my book.

Some people see me as negative, and i don't. So i think it makes me a constant complainer. How do I

improve?

The best thing you can do is catch yourself in the act. The next time something seemingly doesn't go your

way, stop yourself for a moment, and try to identify whether there's a real problem or not. You can even

try keeping count of how many times you complain in a day.

One trick I used awhile back was letting out my complaint in this verbal manner: "Normally I would

complain about the fact I can't find a good parking space, but I'm not going to do that right now." I was

able to vent my complaint and 'be heard,' but I also told myself there's no need to complain at the same

time. Eventually, I stopped complaining about finding a parking space.

It's not easy to do, so be sure to give yourself time, and if you're concerned about it hurting your

relationships, bring to the attention of your friends and family "hey, I'm sorry I complain so much, I'm

working to get better. Can you help me?"

It's already awesome that you want to improve, so you've got that already :)

Say what you will, but pessimists can never be disappointed, only pleasantly surprised.


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Right, while what you speak is true, were not talking about pessimists as clarified in the beginning :)

chronic complainers can have positive outlooks, but still manage to nitpick.


How to Deal With Chronic Complainers

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