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Helping Couples Heal After Infidelity

All Ohio Counselors ConferenceHilton Columbus at Easton Town Center

Nov. 6, 2015Amita L. Pujara, M.S., LPCC, MFT, NCC

Deidre Prewitt, M.S., LPCElissa Hostetter, MSW, LISW

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Learning Objectives

1. Participants will learn about myths and actual risk factors, and statistics around affairs.

2. Participants will learn how to effectively address grief and PTSD symptoms through counseling interventions to help the couple heal after the affair.

3. Participants will learn to recognize signs of physiological flooding that impedes communication in couples and how to effectively address flooding.

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Handouts and Resources

www.deidrepcounseling.weebly.com

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What is your orientation toward relationships?

• Are most relationships worth saving?• Will life be easier with another partner?• How will any children involved be affected?• Are mental health professionals perpetuating

the cycle of divorce?

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What is a healthy relationship?

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Divorce Rates in America

• First Marriage - 45% to 50% marriages end in divorce

• Second Marriage - 60% to 67% marriages end in divorce

• Third Marriage - 70% to 73% marriages end in divorce

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What is Infidelity?

•Physical •Emotional• Internet •Financial

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Infidelity Risk Factors

• Lack of needs fulfillment• Need for self-expansion• Low conscientiousness and agreeableness• Marital dissatisfaction• Neuroticism• Narcissism• Child-centered families• Family or friends who cheat

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Infidelity Facts

• Men 20% - 40%• Women 20% - 25%• 70% - 80% disapprove of infidelity• 11% of adults married or cohabiting have

been unfaithful• 50% of all couples

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Effect of Infidelity

• Hurt• Betrayal• Rejection• Abandonment• Devastation• Loneliness/Isolation• Shame• Grief• Humiliation

• Jealousy• Anger• Loss of Self Esteem• Loss of Trust• PTSD Symptoms• New Hierarchy• Chronic Stress• STDs• Pregnancy

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Top 6 Myths

1. Possible to prevent affair2. Sexual contact is required3. Cheaters leave clues4. Your partner will be less sexual5. Your partner is sex starved6. Cheating partner is very critical

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Gottman Approaches

• The Sound Relationship House– Created Shared Meaning (Rituals of Connection)– Make Life Dreams Come True– Manage Conflict (NSO, Repair Attempts, Flooding)– The Positive Perspective– Turn Towards Instead of Away (Distance,

Loneliness)– Share Fondness and Admiration– Build Love Maps (Know One Another’s World)

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Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

• Criticism• Defensiveness • Contempt • Stonewalling

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Negative Sentiment Override (NSO)

• Strongest indicator of a dysfunctional relationship is a higher rate of negative to positive interactions

-/+

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Additional Adverse Marital Responses

• Harsh start-up • Failure to repair• Demand-Withdrawal pattern• Spouse is a lost cause

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Gottman Interventions

• Speaker / Listener Mode– Postpone own agenda– Hear and reflect CONTENT of speaker’s

perspective– Hear the feelings (name emotions, feel them)– Validate speaker by completing sentence• “It makes sense to me that you would feel that way

because…….. And you need……..”

– It is OK to ask questions

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Seven Questions after the Affair

1. What suspicions, did you have? / How did you hide the affair?

2. How did you feel when the affair was discovered?3. What do you want your spouse to do?4. What do you want your spouse to know?5. What do you need to help recover?6. Who can you talk with ?7. What do you believe caused the affair?

Not permitted to ask about the specifics of sexual experiences

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Flooding

• Use pulse oximeters• Take a break to self-soothe• Therapist guides couple in relaxation • Preventing and combating fight or flight

response

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Gottman Interventions cont’d

• Aftermath of a Fight or Regrettable Incident– Goal is Greater Understanding

1. Feelings2. Realities3. Triggers4. Responsibility5. Constructive Plans

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Gottman Interventions cont’d

• Dan Wile Intervention– Ask the individual who is using the Four Horseman

(speaker if you can be his/her voice)– Get close to the speaker possible kneel– Talk for the partner as if you are them – Empathize deeply and describe thoughts, feelings,

and match intensity– Use metaphors or imagery

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Gottman “I appreciate…..” Adjective Checklist

Loving InvolvedSensitive Expressive Brave ActiveIntelligent CarefulThoughtful Reserved Generous ReliableLoyal NurturingTruthful VirileStrong KindEnergetic GentleResourceful Lively

Sexy WarmDecisive PracticalCreative GentleImaginative LustyFun WittyAttractive RelaxedInteresting BeautifulSupportive HandsomeConsiderate RichAffectionate SweetOrganized Powerful

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Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy

• Humanistic, Experiential therapy• Systems theory• Theory of adult love based in

attachment theory• Brief therapy 8-20 sessions

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EFCT Approach

• Looks within interactions• Focus on interaction patterns and cycles• Reduce negative and rigidly structured

responses• Increase sensitivity on responsiveness • Based in secure bonds

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EFCT Theory of Change

• Emotion music to the couple’s dance• Emotion organizes key interactions• Focus on empathetic understanding

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Treatment Goals of EFCT

• Reprocess and reorganize interactions to create secure bonds between partners

• Create a secure sense of connectedness• Focus on attachment concerns: on safety,

trust, and contact and obstacles for them• No attempt to teach communication skills (not

likely to use them when couple becomes distressed or vulnerable)

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EFCT Techniques- Heightening

• Heightening– -Intensifies and highlights responses– Teaches the listener the underlying emotion in interaction– Allows the speaker to relay the depth of the motivating

emotion– Begins a new way to organize the experience

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EFCT Techniques-Heightening cont’d

• Repeat to increase impact• Intensify– Lower voice, leaning in– Metaphor– Stay with the intensity of the moment

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EFCT Techniques-Metaphor

• Metaphors– Increases understanding– Creates emotional connection– Draws a picture– Creates an intimate languageEdge or cliffDoorsChildren

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EFCT Techniques-Enactment

• Enactment– Shapes responsive attachment and significant

contact to change interaction patterns– Allowing a speaker to use heightened response

and metaphor.– Allows vulnerability, restructures interactions,

creates bonding eventIf the couple is not ready this WILL damage the

relationship

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EFCT Techniques-Enactment cont’d

• Partners address one another• They repeat or rephrase attachment needs• The clinician’s focus is key – “Can you tell her that? Can you say ‘I can’t let go

of the anger because it protects me from being hurt. I am fearful that I will be hurt again and I cannot risk that.’”

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Importance of Couples Counseling

• Over 40% of clients in therapy cite marital stress as the precipitating event for seeking help

• Over 70% of clients who seek therapy for relationship issues end up divorced

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Steps to Stop Infidelity

• Stop all contact• Volunteer all information• Be accountable• Learn to cope with obsessing and flashbacks• Repairing and building goodwill• Compassionate communicationThe unfaithful partner must become the healer

of PTSD symptoms.

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Important

• Not discussing the affair (41% of therapists) 59% of couples stay married

31% rebuild trust• Discussing the affair

86% of couples stay married72% rebuild trust

75% of unfaithful partners who marry the affair partner end up in divorce

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Your partner may be cheating if:

10.) Text at strange times in weird places9.) Changes passwords on everything8.) Suddenly listens to different music7.) Acting differently6.) Changing appearance significantly5.) Sudden mood changes4.) Begins trying new things3.) Working long hours and hiding finances2.) Forgets things and stories don’t make sense1.) Your gut tells you they are cheating

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Freud stated “We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love”

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ReferencesBarnacle, R., & Abbott, D. (2009). Couple and relationship education update: The development and evaluation of a

Gottman-based premarital education program: A pilot study. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 8: 64-82

Crawley, J., & Grant, J. (2005). Emotionally focused therapy for couples and attachment theory. Australian & New Zealand Journal of Family Therapy, 26: 82-89

Furrow, J., Johnson, S., & Bradley, B. (2011). The emotionally focused casebook: New directions in treating couples. New York, NY: Routledge

Glass, S., & Staeheli, J. (2003). Not "just friends": Protect your relationship from infidelity and heal the trauma of betrayal. New York, NY: Free Press.

Gottman, J. (1999). The marriage clinic: a scienticfically based marital therapy. New York, NY: W. W. Norton & Company Inc..Gottman, J. (Director). (2012). The couples conference [Motion picture on DVD]. United States: CMI Education Institute :.

Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2015). Introduction. In 10 principles for doing effective couples therapy (First ed.). New York, NY: W. W. Norton & Company.

Hardtke, K., Armstrong., M., & Johnson, S. (2010). Emotionally focused couple therapy: A full-treatment model well-suited to the specific needs of lesbian couples. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 9: 312-326

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References (cont’d)

Jacobs, S., Kissil, K., Scott, D., & Davey, M. (2010). Creating synergy in practice: Promoting complementarily between evidence-based and postmodern approaches. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 36: 185-196

Johnson, S.M., Bradley, B., & Furrow, J., Palmer, G., Tilley, D., & Woolley, S. (2005). Becoming an emotionally focused couples therapist: The workbook . New York, NY: .

Johnson, S. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. New York, NY: Little Brown

Johnson, S. (2004). The practice of emotionally focused couple therapy: Creating connection. (2nd ed). New York, NY: Brunner-Routledge.

Karakurt, G., & Keiley, M. (2009). Integration of a cultural lens with emotionally focused therapy. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy. 8: 4-14.