Funny Gilmore Girls Quotes
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Transcript of Funny Gilmore Girls Quotes
Funny Gilmore Girls quotes [Lorelai's having Rory]
Young Lorelai: Okay, this is a big pain and I'd really like it to go
away, please.
Nurse: Just breathe deep, honey.
Young Lorelai: Breathing doesn't help, can I hit you instead?
Nurse: What?
Young Lorelai: Or pinch you really hard, 'cause that might make
me feel better.
Nurse: No, you cannot hit me.
Young Lorelai: Can I bite you or pull your hair or use the Epilady
on you 'cause I really need to do something.
Rory : Do something to make me hate you!
Lorelai: Um, go Hitler?
[turns to Rory and says sarcastically]
Jess: So Courtney, what about you?
Sookie : [petrified] Uncle Ernie hugged me too long!
Paris : Fine, if you guys wanna sit around for an hour after school
swapping makeover horror stories, then count me in. Hey, did I
ever tell you about the time I plucked outside of my designated
brow line? Man, was my face red.
Madline: I've done that, too. Ooh, it's bad.
Louise: She was being sarcastic.
Madline: Well, I wasn't. I looked surprised for a month.
Michel : [about Paris] She's back! She's coming back!
Lorelai: What? Why?
Michel: I don't know - maybe she forgot her phone, or her spell
book, or something.
Zach : [sings] "A mighty fortress is our God, a bulwark never
failing." Dude, what's a bulwark?
Brian: What?
Zach: It says, a bulwark never failing.
Brian: I think it's a wall.
Zach: Then why don't they just say that? Bulwark sounds totally
gay.
Brian: I don't think you're supposed to call a hymn gay. It's like a
sin or something.
Zach: Whatever, man. I'm not saying bulwark.
Zach : [singing] I once was lost, but now am found, was blind, but
now I see.
Mrs. Kim: Very nice. You may now take a fifteen-minute break
while we finish our tea. Also, good time to retune.
Brian: Was she looking at me?
Zach: She wasn't looking at me, dude.
Dave : You're drunk.
Lane: No, I'm... am I?
Dave: We're going on in five minutes. Can you even play?
Lane: Oh, I can hit the sticks on those brums.
Dave: Great, great, but what about the drums?
[Lorelai has to model in a charity event for Booster Club that her
mother made her get involved in]
Lorelai: Ugh, they totally just snuck that modeling thing in.
Rory: Hmm, my mom's a model. Maybe you'll get to date
Leonardo DiCaprio now.
Lorelai: Plus, now I have to plan the whole stupid thing.
Rory: Lorelai Gilmore. Nope, doesn't sound model-y enough. You
need something that stands out more. How about Waffle. We
could call you Waffle and say you're from Belgium.
Lorelai: [dialing on her cell phone] Okay, I'm crabby, I need to
do something about it.
[on phone]
Lorelai: Hey Mom!
Emily: Well, hello.
Lorelai: So I went to my first Booster meeting last night, did
Bitty tell you?
Emily: No, she did not.
Lorelai: Oh, well, maybe she's still stuck under that desk. You
might want to send someone out there to look.
Emily: Well, it's certainly nice to hear you finally getting
involved.
Lorelai: Yes, in fact we're planning a charity fashion show next
weekend, and I volunteered to organize it.
Emily: Well, good for you.
Lorelai: Yes, and since I know how concerned you are about how
Rory's perceived at Chilton, I knew you'd want to be involved
somehow, so you're gonna be one of the models.
Emily: Excuse me?
Lorelai: Yeah, so it's next Saturday, be there at four, and we'll
provide hair and makeup.
Emily: Lorelai, you can't be serious.
Lorelai: Oh, and we'll need your measurements also.
Emily: This is ridiculous.
Lorelai: Mom. You said you wanted me to be involved. Well, I'm
involved, now don't you want to do your part to ensure Rory's
future?
Emily: All right.
Lorelai: Start measuring.
[hangs up]
Rory: You feel better now?
Lorelai: Waffle's very happy.
Lorelai : I love ranting Luke. (In extension, Lorelai loves Luke!)
Michel : Well, you know what happens when you assume.
Lorelai: What?
Michel: I don't know. Something about a donkey. It is a stupid
American phrase.
Dave : What we need is a name.
Brian: I made my suggestion.
Zach: Yeah, and we vetoed "The Harry Potters." Next.
Brian: So yours is better?
Zach: "Follow Them to the Edge of the Dessert" is memorable
and classy.
Brian: I run out of breath every time I say it.
Zach: You've got asthma, dude. You run out of breath saying
your name.
Dave: Yeah, Brian, we can't work our name around your
respiratory illnesses.
Brian: Even without an inhaler, "Follow Them to the Edge of the
Dessert" is too long.
Zach: Yeah, but when we get famous, our fans will shorten it to
F-T-T-T-E-O-T-D.
Luke : [Jess' beeper goes off when Luke visits him in his run-
down apartment] What, are you a drug dealer now?
Rory : I have to perform Act Five of "Romeo and Juliet" with Paris,
Madeline and Louise.
Lorelai: Really?
Rory: Paris has appointed herself as director.
Lorelai: Nice. What part are you playing?
Rory: I don't know yet. She's still mulling over the screen tests
right now. We're gonna find out tomorrow.
Lorelai: Screen tests?
Rory: 24 takes.
Lorelai: Ah, I so want a copy.
Rory: Forget it.
Lorelai: Sell it on the Internet, make a fortune. 'First we brought
you Pamela and Tommy Lee, now prepare yourselves for the
crazy antics of Rory and the Bard.'
Rory: Oh, and I told Paris that you would make all of our
costumes so she wants to have a concept meeting with you
tomorrow at three.
Lorelai: What?
Rory: Yeah, she needs a resume and samples of your previous
work and, uh, referrals.
Lorelai: And my bare butt to kiss?
Rory: If you think that will set you apart from the other
applicants, yes.
Luke : [Luke is buying self-help books but doesn't want Andrew
to see them] What are you doing?
Andrew: I have to ring them up.
Luke: I ' ll just tell you the prices. This one is... $24.99.
Andrew: That high?
Luke: They're your prices!
Andrew: Can I just see the book?
Luke: I'm reading you the book. It says right here.
[looks at the price again]
Luke: Oh, wait - that's the Canadian price. $14.99.
Andrew: Will you just let me scan the book?
Luke: When you scan the book, do you see the title?
Andrew: Yes.
Luke: Then no.
Andrew: Luke, come on! What do you got there, porn?
Luke: You sell porn?
Andrew: No!
Luke: You think I brought my own porn in here to buy?
Andrew: I don't know what you're doing. I just need to scan the
books.
Luke: [hands Andrew some money] This should cover it.
Andrew: A hundred bucks? That's way too much!
Luke: Take it.
[he leaves, then comes back in]
Luke: Bag.
[Andrew hands him one, he leaves again]
Tobin : Michel, did you get a bagel?
Michel: I don't want a bagel.
Tobin: Are you sure? They're kosher.
Michel: I don't eat bagels. Bagels are like glue in your intestines
and ensure that everything that enters your body will remain
there until you die.
Sookie: Ew! Shut up!
Lorelai : Luke, will you marry me?
Luke: What?
[Luke has hired a new waiter]
Rory: Oh, my god.
Lorelai: What?
Rory: He hired Brennon Lewis.
Lorelai: And?
Rory: Ew!
Lorelai: He doesn't look that bad.
Rory: He's the boy who dissected a frog, did not wash his hands,
and then ate a sandwich.
Lorelai: Ew!
Rory: He's like the lost Farrelly brother. He's so stupid. He
watched 'The Breakfast Club' and decided to tape his own butt
cheeks together.
[Lorelai wants Luke to fire the annoying new guy he hired]
Lorelai: He doesn't write the orders down, he never brings you
food that's hot or yours, he can't distinguish bagels from
doughnuts, he hands out butt napkins, and he has worn that
Foreigner t-shirt every single day since he started working here
and he doesn't know who they are. I asked him.
Luke: What are butt napkins?
Lorelai: Kirk needed a napkin, and he pulled one out of his back
pocket.
Luke: Hey, Bren?
Brennon Lewis: Yeah, boss?
Luke: Did you give Kirk a napkin out of your back pocket?
Brennon Lewis: Yeah.
Luke: Don't.
Brennon Lewis: Okay.
Michel : [Sookie wants Michel to choose a cookie] I don't care.
Sookie: I just need a quick opinion!
Michel: It took me two seconds to tell you I don't care, that's as
quick as I get.
Marty : Okay. I actually snagged us some caviar. They were all
out of toast points, but I think we can use Doritos and achieve a
very similar result.
[notices Anna]
Marty: Hey.
Rory: This is Anna.
Marty: [gasps excitedly] Did Paris move?
Paris: [from behind] I'm right here, Marty.
Marty: I know, Paris.
Rory : Asher Flemming is dead.
Marty: In bed?
Rory: No
Marty: Damn, I lost the pool.
Marty : So, I just bartended this crazy brunch, with chocolate
fountains and floating ice sculptures and I snagged us all kinds of
hors d'oeuvres
Paris: Nice going, bucko.
Marty: Okay, so she didn't really mean nice going, right? 'Cause
there's sort of a devil eye thing going on
Sookie : Okay, here we go. Low fat, whole wheat blueberry
pancakes.
Michel: Are there 12?
Sookie: 12 what?
Michel: Blueberries. I can only have 12 blueberries for breakfast.
Sookie: Or what?
Michel: What do you mean, or what?
Sookie: What happens if you eat 13 blueberries?
Michel: This is a silly conversation.
Sookie: Would you die?
Michel: Just hand me the plate.
Sookie: Only if you don't count.
Michel: I won't count.
Sookie: Swear. Raise your right hand and say, 'May Destiny's
Child break up if I count these blueberries.'
Michel: [raises his hand] ... Pick another group.
Sookie: Nope.
Michel: [slams hand down] I hate you! Hate you!
Anna : [after Rory shooed away two college guys, whining] Rory!
Rory: Anna!
Anna: Well that's not fair. You get to talk to boys!
Rory: What?
Anna: You were over there, talking to Marty.
Rory: [laughs] That's different. Marty's just a friend. Which is
another great thing about college. You learn to have guy friends.
Nothing romantic, just a good pal.
[Marty looks pained]
Rory: Those boys are not interested in your friendship, unless
the word "friendship" is tattooed on your butt. Now drink your
coffee.
[they take a sip]
Rory: It's good, huh?
[Lorelai has had to throw Emily an impromptu bachelorette party
and invited all the women from Stars Hollow. Emily is now drunk]
Miss Patty: So, Emily, tell us about this party of yours
tomorrow.
Emily: It's going to be fabulous. Isn't it, Lorelai?
Lorelai: Ab fab, sweetie darling.
Emily: Isn't she hilarious? I never have any idea what she's
talking about, but she's so entertaining! Like a chimp. Isn't she
like a chimp, Gypsy?
Gypsy: Please make your mother stop talking to me.
Lorelai: If only I had that power.
[At Richard and Emily's vow-renewal ceremony]
Lorelai: Oh, Marilyn, this is Luke. Luke, this is my cousin Marilyn.
Luke: Nice to meet you.
Marilyn: You, too.
[pulls Lorelai aside]
Marilyn: Is he a gardener?
Lorelai: Um, no, he owns a diner.
Marilyn: Oh, I've always wanted to have an affair with a
gardener. Apparently that's very 'in' now. (Remember, desperate
housewives pilot?)
[Jess is eating a sandwich at the dance marathon and Mrs. Kim
walks up to him]
Mrs. Kim: Who are you?
Jess: I'm Jess... ma'am. (Mrs. Kim even scares Jess!!!)
Lorelai : [at the town meeting, when everyone is talking about
the bad things that Jess has done] I hear he controls the weather
and wrote the screenplay to Glitter!
Taylor : [Luke won't give out free coffee at the dance marathon]
You would knock the crutch out from under Tiny Tim, wouldn't
you?
Luke: If he asked for a free cup of coffee, Gimpy's goin' down.
Madeline : Paris has gone bye-bye.
Luke : It's the kind of lock burglars look for.
Lorelai: Why do burglars look for that lock?
Luke: Because it's easy to break into. I proved that.
Lorelai: You proved that by...?
Luke: Breaking in through the back door.
Richard : Now, did anyone ever to tell you to picture the
audience in their underwear? Well, don't do it. I did it once and I
had nightmares for a week. Bulgarians in Speedos
Lorelai : [walking into Luke's diner] Give me a burger, onion
rings, and a list of people who killed their parents and got away
with it. I need some heroes.
Clara : Is Jess your real name?
Jess: Yes.
Clara: Do you like it?
Jess: It's fine.
Clara: Would you rather be named Bill?
Jess: No.
Clara: Frank?
Jess: No.
Clara: Mike?
Jess: No.
Clara: Bob?
Jess: No.
Clara: Ed?
Jess: Does this belong to you?
Dean: Clara, you want a snowcone?
Clara: Yes, will you get me a snowcone?
Jess: Absolutely. Go stand in the middle of the street and wait
for me, I'll be right back.
Emily : You were on the phone?
Richard: Long distance.
Lorelai: God?
Richard: London.
Lorelai: God lives in London?
Richard: My mother lives in London.
Lorelai: Your mother is God?
Richard: Lorelai...
Lorelai: So, God *is* a woman.
Richard: Lorelai.
Lorelai: *And* a relative. That's so cool. I'm gonna totally ask for
favors.
Richard: Make her stop.
Rory: Oh, that I could.
Luke : Rory's not here yet.
Lorelai: Then you'll have to entertain me until she arrives. Okay
Burger boy, dance.
Luke: Will you marry me?
[Lorelai is taken aback]
Luke: Just looking for something to shut you up.
Sookie : What's going on?
Lorelai: Michel's gonna live forever.
Sookie: Like the kids from 'Fame'?
Lorelai: That's what I said.
Lorelai : Hey, you didn't wake me up.
Rory: I set the clock.
Lorelai: Yes, but see, the clock stops ringing once I throw it
against the wall giving me ample time to fall back to sleep. You,
however, never stop yapping no matter how hard I throw you,
thus insuring the wake up process.
Lorelai : Heh, you know what I just realized? "Oy" is the funniest
word in the entire world.
Rory: Hmm.
Lorelai: I mean think about it, you never hear the word "oy" and
not smile. Impossible. Funny, funny word.
Emily: Oh dear God.
Lorelai: "Poodle" is another funny word.
Emily: Please drink your drink, Lorelai.
Lorelai: In fact, if you put "oy" and "poodle" together, in the
same sentence, you'd have a great new catchphrase, you know?
Like, "Oy with the poodles already."
Rory: Hehe.
Lorelai: So from now on, when the perfect circumstances arise,
we will use our favorite new catchphrase:
Rory: Oy with the poodles already.
Lorelai: I'm telling you, it's knocking "Whatchu talkin' 'bout,
Willis?" right out of first place.
Lorelai : That's the *last* time I buy anything just because it's
furry.
Jess : Yeah women right, can't live with 'em can't stop them from
jumping in closets... go figure.
Jackson : I think we should get married.
Sookie: But - uh, but...
Jackson: Soon.
Sookie: Are you pregnant?
Jess : Hey, if you're going to get all Ward Cleaver on me, I'm
gonna have to call Eddie and Lumpy and tell I'm gonna be late.
Luke: Shut up for a minute, will ya?
Luke : Taylor, no, no, no, no, and every day from now on 'til the
end of my life, I am gonna come in here and say, "Taylor, no."
And when I die, I'm gonna have them freeze me next to Ted
Williams, and when they find the cure to what I died of and they
unfreeze me, my first words are gonna be, "How's Ted?" followed
closely by, "Taylor, no."
Jess : Why are you running so fast?
Rory: Well our president says to exercise and I'm very patriotic.
Lorelai : Okay, so, don't wait up and remember only 2 or 3 crack
heads at the most, they eat all the good cereal.
Lorelai : What, did you break into our house, you got all dressed
in black and pulled a Mission: Impossible?
Jess: Actually, I came down the chimney and pulled a Santa
Claus.
Lorelai: Very funny.
Jess: Thought a ridiculous accusation deserved a ridiculous
response.
Jackson : The rate I have children is between me and Sookie.
Luke: And the lord,
[Lorelai gives him a look]
Luke: still not helping?
Luke : Red meat kills, enjoy.
Tristan : He likes me.
Rory: He's drunk.
Lorelai : Oh, but I got here early and there was nothing to do
except feed gummy bears to the bomb-sniffing dogs which,
apparently, the United States government frowns upon.
Rory: You got in trouble with the government while you were
waiting for me?
Lorelai: Just a little.
Rory: How much is a little?
Lorelai: Learn Russian.
Lorelai : Okay, I'm lying in bed and I'm sleeping and I'm wearing
this fabulous nightgown, and like thirty alarm clocks go off, and
so I get out of bed and I walk downstairs, and there, standing is
the kitchen, is Luke.
Rory: Was he naked?
Lorelai: No. He was making breakfast.
Rory: Naked?
Lorelai: Ok, you have been in Washington for way too long.
Rory : [to Logan as they enter his house for dinner] Remind me
to tell you about the time my mom wore her rhinestone penis T-
shirt to dinner and Grandma had her car towed.
Jess's New Girfriend: Hi.
Jess: Hi.
[they kiss]
Jess's New Girfriend: So?
Jess: One sec.
Jess's New Girfriend: Jess!
Jess: Relax!
[closes his book, turns to Luke]
Jess: I'm out!
Lorelai: Ladies and gentlemen, an entire conversation in one
word sentences.
Dean: [walks into Luke's] OK, don't hate me, but I already ate
breakfast.
Rory: See, nice, full sentences.
Dean: What?
Lorelai: Don't ruin it.
Dean: OK...
Lorelai : I think I have gangrene.
Rory: You do not.
Lorelai: And vertigo.
Rory: Oh boy.
Lorelai: And one leg suddenly feels shorter than the other.
Rory: This is gonna be the Vanity Fair paper cut incident all over
again, isn't it?
Luke : Ow.
Lorelai: Luke, are you okay?
Luke: Stupid box. Stupid lamp.
Lorelai: Hey Luke, are you being attacked by your possessions
again?
Rory : I can't even open my eyes.
Lorelai: That's okay, there's nothing to see. Kirk's in a Speedo,
Taylor's in a skirt, Al's in assless chaps.
Rory: Oh my God, stop. I'm never gonna be able to close my
eyes again.
Jess : Hi.
Rory: Hey.
Jess: Hi.
Lorelai: Hi.
Jess: Hi.
Luke: Hi.
Rory: I have to get to school.
Jess: Yeah, me too.
Rory: Bye
Jess: Bye. Bye.
Lorelai: Bye.
Rory: Bye.
Lorelai: Bye.
Rory: Bye.
Luke: Bye.
[Jess and Rory leave]
Luke: What the hell was that?
Lorelai: That was episode one of Rory and Jess: The Early Years.
Lorelai : Rory, we're home.
Richard: Lorelai, you really should think about...
Lorelai: Rory, for the love of God be home.
Luke : This is Liz's kid, Jess. Jess, this is Mia, Lorelai's boss, she
owns the Independence Inn.
Mia: Hello.
Jess: Hmmph.
Luke: That's "Hello, nice to meet you." in slacker.
Principal: ...And five hundred baseballs have suddenly come up
missing.
Luke: Jess, didn't take them, I swear. He has no use for
baseballs.
Principal: [gives Luke the look]
Luke: I'll check when I get home.
Lorelai: yes, it’s jess?
Rory: mom!
Lorelai: It's not my fault that yes and Jess rhyme.
Lorelai : My life stinks. Hey, let's look into each other's eyes and
say "I wish I were you" at exactly the same time - maybe we'll
pull a Freaky Friday.
Rory: Or we can just pretend that we did and you can go around
acting really immature. Oh, wait...
Lorelai: I can't believe you won't switch bodies with me.
Rory: Forget it. Then I'd have to date Kirk.
Paris: what about him? What about that guy over there?
Luke: who, reverend Nickels?
Paris: what is that, like Dr. feel good?
Luke: Rory, how much do you like this person?
Rory: do what you have to, Luke.
Lane : I guess I kind of overreacted.
Rory: Kind of? You did everything but tie a string with you at one
end and the Statue of Liberty at the other.
Lorelai : Luke, um, that's not a bed, that's a raft, which is fine if
you're gonna build a moat around the diner but...
Luke: It's fine.
Lorelai: Luke, the kid needs a bed. If you want to get him
something inflatable, make it a blonde.
Lorelai : Can I ask you stupid questions?
Luke: There's no such thing.
Lorelai: How does ink come out of pens?
Luke: All right, there is such a thing.
Rory : Before I knew it, Grandma was telling me how important it
is for a person to be properly presented to society.
Lorelai: Ugh.
Rory: And how every young girl dreams of this day.
Lorelai: Agh.
Rory: And how there are flowers.
Lorelai: Oh Lord.
Rory: And music.
Lorelai: Please.
Rory: And cake.
Lorelai: Oh yeah, the cake's actually good.
Lorelai : I want to welcome you to the first annual and probably
never ever to be held again because Sookie's on the verge of a
nervous breakdown Bracebridge Dinner.
Lorelai : Why are we standing here?
Rory: Because the sign says 'wait to be seated'.
Lorelai: Yeah, but we're not automatons, we are rule breakers,
and there are like fifty open tables.
Rory: You're exaggerating.
Lorelai: One, two, three, four, fifty - no I'm not.
Emily and Richard have split up]
Emily: At some point you have to face facts, and the facts are,
he's moved on. And therefore I should move on also.
Lorelai: Absolutely. MoveOn.org.
Emily: [pause] I think it's time for me to date.
Lorelai: [chokes on her drink] Oh, my God.
Emily: I want to go on a date.
Lorelai: With - a *man*?
Emily: No, a weasel. Of course, a man!
Lorelai: I'm not hearing this.
Emily: Well, why shouldn't I date? I'm still a viable commodity.
Lorelai: I need a paper towel and a Valium, please.
Emily: There are plenty of men at the club who, in the past,
have made their interest in me known, I just need to figure out
how to reciprocate their feelings. You have a lot of experience
with men. How do you let them know that you're available?
Lorelai: Well, one of those bench ads usually does the trick.
Emily: Lorelai, stop it. I need help here. It's been years since I
did this, and I don't remember the proper procedure! Now take
me through this step-by-step. You see a man, you walk up to him
and you say...
Lorelai: ...Hello.
Emily: Is that too forward?
Lorelai: No, it's the appropriate way to indicate you're open to a
social engagement. Unless, however, you are approaching a
weasel. Then I believe the proper signal is just to offer him your
hindquarters.
[Emily glares]
Emily : When a woman gives birth to a crack baby you do not
buy her a puppy.
[Luke and Lorelai arrive at Emily and Richard's vow renewal.
Luke is already in his suit and complains that his pants are
wrinkled]
Lorelai: Hey, stop being such a nancy-boy about the pants.
Think Hemingway ever gave a crap what his pants looked like?
Luke: Hemingway blew his brains out, also. How much of a role
model do you want me to make this guy?
Lorelai : Aren't baby shower balloons supposed to reflect the sex
of the baby? Blue for boys, pink for girls.
Rory: You would think.
Lorelai: What's green for, aliens?
Tourist: Excuse me, I'm so sorry to bother you. Which way is
44th?
Rory: Oh, um, that way.
Tourist: Great, thanks.
Rory: I got asked directions.
Jess: I saw.
Rory: He took me for a native. That's so cool.
Jess: That's very impressive. 44th's the other way.
Lorelai : Hey, is Jackson in the house? Let me here you say unh.
Jackson: Unh.
Lorelai: A new toy.
Rory: Shameless.
Emily : You're having a baby - do you know that, Lorelai?
Lorelai: Well, that explains the stomachache.
[after Michel has begged Lorelai to take him to an auction run by
her mother]
Lorelai: Michel, if you wanna go to this auction, you have to be
in the lobby at six o'clock Friday morning. You have to hand out
towels and water bottles, you have to show them the hiking
trails, and you have to let them give you a nature name.
Michel: Fine, I will let them give me a nature name.
Lorelai: All right, then, you can come.
Michel: Thank you.
Lorelai: Buttercup.
Michel: You cannot give them suggestions.
Luke : You tuck a bed in on both sides?
Lorelai: Yeah, and then I slip in, like it's a straightjacket.
Luke: Oh, you must feel at home there.
Zach : Hey, you guys are not gonna believe this.
Liza: You're Mr. Announcement Guy today.
Zach: What, are you going to pipe in every time I talk?
Liza: Can it.
Zach: Stuff it.
Lorelai: They're in love.
Sookie: Clearly.
[Jimmy's girlfriend's daughter, Lily, likes to read under tables and
in closets]
Jess: She do that a lot?
Jimmy: All the time.
Jess: You ever find it a little weird?
Jimmy: All the time.
Rory : I need you, I need you here, I need you now. I cannot do
this alone. I need my Mommy, and dammit, I don't care who
knows it.
Lorelai and Rory arrive late to the town meeting]
Taylor: Late again, are we?
Lorelai: Ooh, yes, I hope I'm not pregnant.
Taylor: What?
Lorelai: Are these seats taken?
Luke: don’t drag me into this.
[Luke's deceased Uncle Louie is being buried with his prized
possessions]
Luke: Taylor and the guys were right. I was cutting Louie slack
out of respect for my dad, but the man was rotten and mean and
selfish all his life. For God's sake, he's even selfish in death.
Other people would've loved to have had those baseball cards. I
would've loved to have those baseball cards. He's got Lou
Gehrig's rookie card, Joe DiMaggio, Willie Mays, tons of others -
but no. My uncle, King Tut, has to take all of them to the afterlife
with him.
Luke : What was wrong with that place?
Jess: It was pink.
Luke: We can paint it.
Jess: You mean I can paint it.
Luke: *We* can paint it *together*
Jess: Great, and afterwards we can hold hands and skip around.
Lorelai : [walking into Luke's diner] Give me a burger, onion
rings, cheese fries, and a list of people who killed their parents
and got away with it. I'm lookin' for some heroes.
Jason : You're still mad about that.
Lorelai: I was fully dressed.
Jason: I remember. Green T-shirt, no bra.
Lorelai: What?
Jason: Trust me. I was the hero of Cabin 5 for the rest of the
summer.
Babette: I just hit F4, and the numlock key and the one with the
little apple on it and its FREAKING OUT like its on acid or
something!!
Who are you?
Why do you call Lane?
How do you know Lane?
Do you date her?
Did you try to?
Then why are you here?
Empty your pockets.
Obsessive...
Lorelai : Jason, my mother is a corporate wife. Her job is putting
these parties on. And you put her out of work. You know that;
your mother does the same thing. Imagine if you took these
functions away from her. What would she have left?
Jason: More time with the pool boy?
Lorelai : My mother - she was here. I can feel it.
Rory: Grandma hasn't been here.
Lorelai: Smell that?
Rory: Smell what?
Lorelai: The room - it smells like guilt and Chanel No. 5
Luke : Okay, if I give you my lawyer's name, will you leave?
Russell: I will leave.
Luke: Okay, you ready?
Russell: Yes.
Luke : His name is Don Dewey. He works at the firm of Dewey...
Russell: Dewey.
Luke: Cheatham...
Russell: Cheatham.
Luke: And Howe.
Russell: Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe. That was very immature.
Emily : I *just* found out that Sookie is pregnant.
Lorelai: Uh huh...
[Emily stares in disbelief]
Lorelai: Don't look at me, I had nothing to do with it.
Kirk : What time is it?
Luke: I'm not going to tell you.
Kirk: Why not?
Luke: Because I just told you 30 seconds ago.
Kirk: *45* seconds, if you count all the bickering.
[Luke is shoveling Lorelai's walk after they had a fight]
Lorelai: Ooh, this is great. Can we fight again, 'cause I need my
roof gutters cleaned.
[Kirk's planning the annual Stars Hollow Firelight Festival]
Kirk: After we light the bonfire, the dancers should come
through.
Miss Patty: Okay, Kirk.
Kirk: They'll circle the gazebo. Jazz hands, jazz hands, jazz
hands. Then out come the flaming batons.
Miss Patty: That sounds good, Kirk.
Kirk: Are you ignoring me?
Miss Patty: Since you were old enough to walk, Kirk.
[Lorelai is buying collector's stamps while Luke is signing for his
divorce]
Lorelai: Do you have any Lucille Balls left?
Kirk: Yes, I have some Balls.
[Luke stares at him]
Lorelai : The freaking Blue Man Group is outside our house!
Rory: I was sleeping through it!
Lorelai: It had to have woken you up.
Rory: No, my insane mother Margot Kidder Gilmore woke me up.
Rory : Taylor thinks I'm casing the place. Like I would ever
shoplift there.
Lane: You have shoplifted there.