FRIAR & GRIMSTONE

Written by

Toby Ross

toby.ross@outlook.com

INT. CHURCH - DAY 1

Packed pews - the contents of that coffin were widely-loved. The ORGAN’S DRONE comes to a close.

MINISTERGod of us all, your love never ends. All you have given us is yours. At first you gave us Kenneth, so now we give Kenneth back to you.

We see the shoes of four smartly-trousered men standing at the back. The first pair shine immaculately; the second strive to be as flawless; the third are scuffed and scruffy; the fourth, Converse trainers.

MINISTER (CONT’D)Grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

We get a proper look at these guys... the funeral directors:

GLEN GRIMSTONE (57, earnest, painfully professional).BARRY GRIMSTONE (22, a dopey clot, but trying his best).TED FRIAR (57, paunch, jaded, checked out long ago).BRUCE JELLYMAN (25, League 2 footballer’s haircut, chewing).

MINISTER (CONT’D)Kenneth’s passing was as sudden as it was tragic, is a stark reminder that the dangers inherent in badger-baiting apply not only to the animals involved.

A MOBILE RINGTONE pierces the calm - Rain Over Me by Pitbull ft. Marc Anthony, or something equally rubbish. The frustrated minister scans around for the culprit.

Glen almost has a seizure upon realising it’s Bruce.

GLEN(whispering)

Bruce! Good grief!

Mouthing along to the lyrics, Bruce silences the phone.

The rear door CREAKS open. High heels ECHO. VIOLET GRIMSTONE (50, dressed half that) slips in and places a pile of pamphlets near the door: Friar & Grimstone Funeral Directors, est. 1981

The door SLAMS shut, distracting the minister again.

Glen, mortified, stares straight ahead.

INT. CHURCH - LATER - DAY 1

MINISTER... The family welcomes everyone to then join them for refreshments at the Cross Keys Hotel.

BARRY(to himself)

The Keys? Lucky swines.

MINISTERAn invite they extend to the kind staff of Friar & Grimstone, today’s funeral directors.

BARRY(to himself)

Yeah! Free food.

TED(to himself)

Free drinks.

BRUCE(to himself)

Sad, vulnerable girls!

GLEN(whispering)

Absolutely not. We are not going.

INT. HOTEL FUNCTION ROOM - LATER - DAY 1

Ted takes a bottle from an ice bucket. Mourners mill around, talking quietly among themselves.

Glen’s by the door, incapable of switching to off-duty mode. Barry and Bruce admire a girl at the buffet table.

BRUCEIf there’s one thing I know about women -- I know way more than one thing -- it’s that they love a man in uniform.

BARRY Nice.

BRUCEI’m going in.

BARRYMe too.

BRUCEHey, I saw her fi-

2.

Barry walks right past the girl and tears into the buffet.

BRUCE (CONT’D)Idiot.

He rolls his shoulders and ‘smoothly’ strolls over.

BRUCE (CONT’D)Guess what this is.

BUFFET GIRLWhat what is?

BRUCE(re: his jacket sleeve)

Feel that.

She brushes it reluctantly.

BRUCE (CONT’D)New boyfriend.

BUFFET GIRL... Sorry?

BRUCEMaterial. Wait, boyfriend material. It’s... here, do it again.

BUFFET GIRLI’m going back over there to my fiancé -- he’s just buried his dad.

BRUCEHe’s a lucky man.

Nearby, Glen struggles to remain cordial to a DRUNK MAN.

DRUNK MAN... Or a corpse that was dead but then turned out to actually not be dead?

GLENOf course not -- we carry out a rigorous initial checking process. And to answer your next question, yes that does produce an independently-audited paper trail.

DRUNK MANOkay.

GLENThat’s how seriously we take it.

3.

DRUNK MANEver buried the wrong body by mistake?

GLEN(glancing at Barry)

Absolutely not. If someone’s told you otherwise then I’d like their name.

DRUNK MANI’m amazed you don’t get depressed, doing this job.

GLEN(eye-to-eye)

Sir, we take the utmost pride and satisfaction in providing a special service to every family. Each detail is precious, each ceremony unique.

Nearby, Barry talks to another mourner.

BARRY(memorised, barely)

... A special, er, service to every and each family. Urm, and every detail is precious and unique, as are every ceremony.

Bruce talks to an unimpressed elderly lady.

BRUCE... We’re like the Special Service. We keep it precious. Unique. Do have a son or daughter here I can speak to?

Nearby, Ted talks to a SUITED MOURNER.

TED... And they all just blend into one big chore, frankly. Dig a hole, sad music, drop ‘em in, who’s next?

SUITED MOURNER Isn’t there a-

TEDCosts a fortune, too. You’re better doing it yourself, to be honest.

(‘off the record’)Or save your lawn and just drive them out to a forest, or wherever.

4.

SUITED MOURNERWell, hopefully we won’t need to think about it anytime soon.

TEDYeah, why not postpone planning for something that’s 100% definitely going to happen? Great idea.

Ted returns to the buffet. Glen scurries over.

GLENHonest to goodness, this is disgusting.

TEDThe canapés aren’t bad.

GLENNo, our being here. It should be the deceased’s friends and family only.

TEDAch well. What’s he going to do, complain to the regulator?

GLENObviously that’s impossible, Ted... the industry has no regulator.

Ted slips a bottle of wine into his inside pocket. A PREGNANT LADY at the buffet makes polite conversation.

PREGNANT LADYThe service was very nice. Thanks.

TEDLooks like congratulations are in order for you too. It is good news, right?

PREGNANT LADYSix weeks to go. Even in the scan she’s adorable.

TEDYou know, for the first couple of years they all look identical. She’ll be unremarkably average, by definition, rather than special. Unless she comes out especially ugly.

She stares at Ted. He heads for the door.

TED (CONT’D)Try the venison. Almost edible.

5.

INT. FRIAR & GRIMSTONE OFFICE - LATER - DAY 1

Glen reclines in an office chair, tie loosened.

GLENA baby’s laughter. Friends embracing. Mother and daughter reconciling. We’ve had many things rudely interrupt services, but that took the biscuit. Bruce’s own cellular smartphone -- thrice!

Violet sits behind the desk, focusing on her nails.

VIOLETHe’s useless. We should bin him.

GLEN We can’t do that.

VIOLETWhy not?

GLEN We’ve been over this several times, Violet.

VIOLETHe’s your step-son. So what? He’s a terrible influence on Barry.

GLEN True -- have you seen that poster in his bedroom? A Jamaican man... smoking a cigarette?

VIOLETWhy don’t we get rid of Barry then?

GLENBecause he’s my son! Our son!

Violet’s desk nameplate: Violet Grimstone. We pull back to see the full, shoddily-extended thing: Violet Grimstone-Vásquez: General Manager. Glen frowns at it.

GLEN (CONT’D)Did you ask Alejandro about helping us out tomorrow? We need extra manpower for Mr Russell’s coffin.

VIOLETMr Russell? Oh, yeah.

(consulting her notepad)The massive fat bastard.

GLENQuite.

6.

VIOLETVery.

Violet grins at a photo on her desk of a Latino dreamboat.

VIOLET (CONT’D)He’s got a few job interviews, but he should be free to help.

GLENHe still hasn’t found anything?

VIOLETJust goes to show how racist some people are, against guys with amazing bodies.

REVEAL: Many, many other photos of Alejandro on the wall behind Violet’s desk, including some of the pair of them in somewhat x-rated poses.

GLENIf he had any transferable skills-

VIOLETHe has skills Glen, mark my words. Don’t get jealous.

GLEN Jealous? Codswallop.

VIOLETI’m having an Indian summer, physically...

GLENDon’t start this. Not again.

VIOLET... And Alejandro’s helping me grasp it. In every sense.

(beat)By the way, when I said ‘skills’ I was referring to sexual technique.

GLENI don’t need to hear about your sordid escapades in the privacy of what was once also my bedroom.

VIOLETCalm down.

GLENIf you’re going to keep working here, you must remain professional.

7.

VIOLETThis place would fall apart if I left.

(realising)You could say that I know where all the bodies are buried!

GLENI should hope so -- maintaining the burial records is your responsibility.

VIOLET... Is it?

GLENIf you’ll excuse me, I need to go and speak with my wife.

VIOLETYeuch. Rather you than me.

REVEAL: KIM GRIMSTONE (54, gentle and quiet) works diligently at a desk across the room, politely pretending not to be well within earshot. Glen strides over and sits.

GLENHello darling.

KIMOh! I didn’t see you come in.

Her desk is right next to the door.

GLENWe need to have a chat about Bruce.

KIMI knew it -- he’s fitting right in, isn’t he?

GLENActually, there’s a pr-

KIMWonderful! I told you!

Violet walks towards the door, putting on her jacket.

VIOLETI love that dress, Kim.

KIM... Really? Thank you.

VIOLETWhen you wear it, I look a good deal younger.

8.

GLENViolet!

VIOLETI’m off to check with Ted about that delivery.

KIMOh, I’ve sorted it already.

VIOLETI’ll check with him anyway.

KIMI confirmed the details with him, then placed the order.

‘I told you so’ says Glen to Violet, using his face.

KIM (CONT’D)Even negotiated a discount.

VIOLETYou seem awfully confident in your knowledge of embalming fluids... remind me, what’s the main ratio we use in the workshop?

Kim maintains eye contact, confidence peeking through.

KIMEight-to-five.

GLENYes!

He takes great pleasure in mouthing along with her...

KIM40% ethanol, 25% formaldehyde.

GLENSounds about right to me, Violet.

VIOLETRight, well, fine. I’m off take Alejandro out for dinner, then.

KIMLucky him. But remember, I can’t process that as a business expense.

Violet exits in high dudgeon.

GLENYou’re running that ledger with an iron fist.

9.

(MORE)

(gazing warmly)I love you very, very much.

INT. WORKSHOP - SIMULTANEOUS - DAY 1

Bruce and Ted polish a large coffin. Barry arranges a floral tribute on the table.

TEDYou need to take the hearse in for new tyres tomorrow, Bruce. I can’t do it, because I don’t want to.

BARRYI could take it?

TEDI’m not letting you out in something of that size and value.

BARRYBut it’s an automatic -- a monkey could drive it.

TEDAnd I’d be happy to let him.

(re: flowers)Oh, come on.

Barry’s made the name JACK with the letters facing backwards.

TED (CONT’D)We talked about how windows aren’t mirrors, remember?

BARRYYeah, but you put them in face down, which solves the problem. Didn’t consider that, did you?

He turns over one of the letters - the back is just stalks.

BARRY (CONT’D)Hmm.

BRUCEIs it a sad service tomorrow, or an ‘it’s a celebration’ one where the girls all come in short skirts?

TEDShort? I think you mean colourful.

BARRYStatistics have shown they go short too, given the option.

10.

GLEN (CONT'D)

TEDWhat statistics?

BARRYThe ones I pull from my spreadsheet.

TED(sighing)

I expect it’ll be fairly sad.

BRUCEBut he was an old guy... old guys die all the time, people shouldn’t be that upset.

TEDYou know, you do occasionally speak sense sometimes.

BRUCE(to Ted)

Thanks, old guy!

BARRYTed -- is this right?

The letters are now in the right order, but upside down.

TEDSpot on, Barry. Excellent stuff.

INT. FRIAR & GRIMSTONE OFFICE - MINUTES LATER - DAY 1

Glen’s moved his chair round from opposite Kim to the side of her desk, the crafty old flirt.

KIMI have a surprise for you.

GLENTell me it isn’t a-

KIMNo, not a gift -- something you’ll actually like.

She pulls out a wad of paper - on the front page is the crest of the National Association of Funeral Directors.

KIM (CONT’D)Renewal forms. Done.

GLENDone?

11.

KIMAll filled in. I clarified the existing information and double-checked the new stipulations.

GLENAnd in doing so have freed up my Saturday evening.

(sad)Oh well.

KIMFurthermore...

She hands him more paper from the drawer.

KIM (CONT’D)... I went through the updated Code of Practice and summarised it.

GLENWow, Kim -- now this is helpful.

KIMOn 100gsm cream presentation paper, coil-bound. Your favourite combo.

GLENYou’re a wonderful administrator and a fantastic wife.

(eyes misting up)Wildest dreams can come true.

He leans in for a kiss. She’s ready. A millisecond before it happens, his eye catches the CCTV camera and he pauses.

KIMYou’re the only one with access to that thing’s footage, remember.

GLENI just find it... disconcerting.

KIMTurn it off then. Or wipe the tape later.

GLENThat might render the insurance void when I report myself.

KIMYou come in here wearing your good Hush Puppies and expect me to keep calm? You know how I like you in those... and out of them.

12.

GLEN(camera-conscious)

Shhh!

KIMIt doesn’t record sound, Glen.

He covers the camera side of his mouth.

GLEN(whispering)

What if someone finds out?

KIMWe’re married -- this isn’t a sordid affair! Give me my peck!

Her DESK PHONE RINGS. She plunges back to reality.

KIM (CONT’D)(on phone)

Friar & Grimstone? Yes, he’s here. (listening)

I will. Don’t keep calling me ‘step-mum’, Barry. Okay, bye.

(hangs up)He says a wasp flew into his mouth and he dropped an urn, which is now smashed on the floor.

GLENI didn’t believe that excuse the first time. Ted can deal with it, I’m off for a nice, relaxing bath.

Kim smiles a knowing smile.

GLEN (CONT’D)And I’ll remember to lock the door this time -- imagine you walked in by mistake again... that was embarrassing!

Kim deflates and gets back to the admin.

INT. WORKSHOP - SIMULTANEOUS - DAY 1

Barry places broken china and a pile of ash from a pan into a bin. He spots a full ashtray and empties it into a new urn.

INT. CHURCH - MORNING - DAY 2

Glen counts seats and checks his clipboard; Violet clears another company’s leaflets from a shelf into a bin; Barry descends a stepladder from a ledge on which sits a speaker.

13.

GLENWill this definitely work?

BARRYBetter acoustics from up there, and all controlled by remote.

He demonstrates, several times. My Humps by Black Eyes Peas.

BARRY (CONT’D)On. And off. On and off. On and off. On. And off.

(the music stays on)And... on.

(the music goes off)On. Wait, off.

GLENI take back what I said -- you should keep practising that.

(from clipboard)Fields of Gold by Gordon Sumner as they come in, then Songbird by Fleetwood Mac as they exit.

BARRYGot them on a playlist.

He plays snippets of both.

GLENGood.

(puzzled)Fleetwood Mac? Singers have the strangest names nowadays.

Violet’s filled the entire shelf with F&G leaflets.

VIOLETShouldn’t Bruce be back with the hearse by now?

GLENI’m worried he’s scratched it, or dented it, or damaged the engine. Or scratched and dented and damaged the engine, somehow.

VIOLETI’m sure it’s okay. Maybe there’s a delay at the garage, or traffic? For all we know he might have been arrested or taken to hospital.

GLENGod, I hope so.

Glen leaves. Violet whips out her mobile.

14.

VIOLET(on phone)

Where the hell’s your boy?

INT. FRIAR & GRIMSTONE OFFICE - CONTINUOUS - DAY 2

KIM(on phone)

Hold please, Violet(presses phone buttons)

Sweetie, it’s me. Where are you? Right. Okay. Okay, bye.

She puts the handset on the desk and gets back to her typing.

CUT TO:

INT. FRIAR & GRIMSTONE OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER - DAY 2

Kim comes back into the office with a mug of coffee.

CUT TO:

INT. FRIAR & GRIMSTONE OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER - DAY 2

KIM(on her mobile)

... Bikram yoga’s the one in a hot room. Why don’t we try it next week? Not an actual sauna, no.

CUT TO:

INT. FRIAR & GRIMSTONE OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER - DAY 2

Kim feeds a cat.

BACK TO:

INT. FRIAR & GRIMSTONE OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER - DAY 2

Kim picks the handset back up.

KIM(on phone)

He’s en route. Hold please.

She hangs up.

15.

INT. CHURCH - CONTINUOUS - DAY 2

VIOLET(hanging up)

What a dick. And he’s just as bad.

The music from the speakers goes on and off, on and off again. Barry’s up in the pulpit.

BARRYHey, mum! The church is a nightclub and the sound is being controlled by the ministry!

VIOLETOh, I see -- ‘Ministry of Sound’.

BARRYWhat?

VIOLET(under her breath)

Spare me.

She looks at the poster on a noticeboard - ‘Learning support sessions - every Tuesday’ - and rips it down.

VIOLET (CONT’D)Too much clutter in this world.

EXT. CHURCH - A LITTLE LATER - DAY 2

Bruce pulls up in the mud-splattered hearse. Glen’s waiting.

BRUCEDon’t start. I couldn’t find the tyre place.

GLENDid you use the Global Positioning System we splashed out on?

Glen reaches in and picks up the sat-nav unit.

GLEN (CONT’D)Type in where you want to go and the Irish man directs y-... why are these forest car parks in the ‘recent destinations’ section?

Bruce snatches it back.

BRUCEThey’re probably pre-loaded.

16.

GLENAnyway, we need to re-plan for later. My council contact says the hearse can’t be left out the front here anymore.

BRUCEBloody jobsworth, making up rules to justify his existence.

GLENI agree, he’s terrific value for taxpayers’ money. Right, back to base and clean her up.

(peering inside)Inside and out. What’s that on the back seat?

It’s an adult magazine.

BRUCEIt’s... a brochure for, um, graveside tarpaulins.

GLENReally? That’s not due out until next month. Leave it on my desk.

Bruce puts on a pair of aviator shades and wheelspins away. Glen notices Ted on a nearby bench and joins him.

GLEN (CONT’D)That boy is a buffoon.

TEDYou should tell Kim that.

GLENAnd risk discord? That’s a station to which I do not wish to steer the marital train, Ted.

TEDTrains aren’t steered.

GLENYou know what I mean.

TEDFamily dramas shouldn’t affect business performance. Your words.

GLENYes, but he’s Kim’s son. Ipsofacto, he’s... unsackable.

17.

TEDHe’s a liability, and frankly so is Barry. You again, verbatim.

GLENI said that after a third rum, which I shouldn’t have had -- even if it was my wedding day. Barry can seem stupid, but he’ll learn. Undertaking’s like riding a bike: it can take years to master the basics.

TEDYou’re right -- he is stupid.

GLENTed!

TEDNot stupid, that’s harsh. He’s... dim. A dolt. He’s doltish.

(thinking)A bumbling, moronic, butterfingered simpleton. But not stupid.

A long but not uncomfortable silence. It’s happened a thousand times before between these old pals.

GLENPersonal talk isn’t my forte Ted, but is everything... well? With you? Personally speaking?

TED(into the distance)

Terrific.

GLENI find it isn’t ideal to ponder private matters to the point they become a hindrance.

TEDEver think about how we deal with death every day in our job, yet before you know it we’ll die too?

GLENIt’s not just a job, it’s a ca-

TEDOne day out of the blue. Dropping down without warning. And that’s you -- gone. Each of us is a stopwatch, counting down.

18.

(MORE)

Then some guy lumps you into a coffin, not giving a shit, rushing because the sooner he’s done the sooner he’s home to watch Pointless.

GLENI wonder if the minister can still park his car out the front?

TEDMakes you wonder what the purpose of anything is.

GLENPerhaps he’s getting a special permit. That’d be fair enough.

TEDWe’re all eventually shovelled into the ground next to other nobodies who made absolutely no impression on the world.

A battered car pulls up, LATINO DANCE MUSIC blasting.

GLEN(jumping up)

Alejandro’s here!

ALEJANDRO (29, tight t-shirt, white jeans very few could pull off) wipes lipstick from his neck and zips up his fly as he gets out. Violet skips from the church.

VIOLET¡Hola!, baby!

He recoils as she goes in for a hug.

ALEJANDRONo, I, uh, sweat very much from running between job interviews. Better you not touch!

GLENGood morning, Alejandro.

ALEJANDROGlen, my friend.

He goes in for a fist bump.

GLENNo.

Alejandro offers a rapper-style handshake instead.

19.

TED (CONT'D)

GLEN (CONT’D)No. Remember what your induction booklet says?

ALEJANDROOf course.

They share a formal handshake.

GLENThank you. Can you be here at 2pm, in uniform? Remember, it’ll be very sombre. Understand, sombre?

ALEJANDRO(no)

Yes.

GLENIf you do well I can be your character reference when you get a job offer somewhere.

ALEJANDROHey, thanks.

GLENSubject to an acceptable response to my Home Office enquiry.

ALEJANDROFirst, I must go to meet another person with job prospect for me.

VIOLETSounds promising. Who is he?

ALEJANDROHe? Oh, uh, I tell you the informations later if it goes well.

VIOLETGood luck, my brave matador!

Alejandro gets into the car and makes a call as he heads off.

ALEJANDRO(into mobile)

... Hey, bebe!...

TED(to Violet)

Does he always wear your clothes?

20.

INT. CHURCH - LATER - DAY 2

The big coffin’s in place. Fields of Gold plays as mourners enter.

EXT. CHURCH REAR CAR PARK - SIMULTANEOUS - DAY 2

In the hearse’s long side window is the floral tribute: JACK

BRUCE(solemn)

Looking good.

He’s actually checking his own reflection.

BRUCE (CONT’D)(’raising the roof’)

Looking great!

EXT. CHURCH - MOMENTS LATER - DAY 2

Bruce approaches, speaking into his cuff FBI agent-style:

BRUCEVehicle offload complete, over.

He puts his cuff up to his ear.

BRUCE (CONT’D)I repeat, Vehicle offload compl-

He pulls his phone out from inside his cuff.

BRUCE (CONT’D)(on phone)

I said, vehicle offload complete, over!

REVEAL: Glen stands a few yards away, on his phone.

GLEN(hanging up)

Why can’t you just tell me these things in person? Or use the universal hand signal, like any normal person would.

He demonstrates a hand signal which means ‘I have parked the hearse behind the church as per recently-implemented council stipulations’.

BRUCEJeez, just trying to build a bit of excitement... ever seen a Bond film? Actually, I bet you haven’t.

21.

GLENThe service is about to start, what more excitement do you need? And of course I have, I enjoy anything featuring Dame Judi Dench.

Glen walks off. Nearby, two kids kick around a football.

BRUCEHey!

One passes him the ball - he makes a woeful attempt at keepy-ups, then launches it clean over the roof of the church.

BRUCE (CONT’D)Clear off, this is a funeral -- have some respect!

He spits his gum out onto the church path.

EXT. CHURCH - MINUTES LATER - DAY 2

Glen checks his watch. Alejandro’s car screeches up and he gets out wearing, in addition to his suit, a sombrero.

ALEJANDROMy meeting took more time and energies than I thought.

GLENGood grief, Alejandro -- ‘sombre’. Take that off. We struggled to get the coffin in, and it’s vital you help us getting it out. Comprende?

ALEJANDROAh, because the dead man is a big boy! Violet call him, what was... a fat hunt? Hunt, yes?

GLENUm, yes. Now, inside -- ¡andale!

INT. CHURCH - CONTINUOUS - DAY 2

Alejandro passes Violet and the minister as they hand out order of service booklets to incoming mourners. He ducks away as Violet leans in to kiss him.

ALEJANDROI still sweat very much, from the hot car. Later.

VIOLETAww. So considerate.

22.

The minister smiles politely.

VIOLET (CONT’D)(to an entering mourner)

Here’s the order of service. (to the minister, quietly)

It’s a grim one today.(to a mourner)

Good afternoon. Welcome.(to the minister)

Dead for five weeks before someone found him.

(to a mourner)Hello. The order of service.

(to the minister)I mean, five weeks! Poor bugger had just about turned to mush.

(to a mourner)Hello there. Order of service.

(to the minister)Still weighs a frigging tonne, mind you.

(to a mourner)Here’s the order of service.

(to the minister)Five weeks, nobody notices, then they rock up here supposedly inconsolable? Bit fishy, I’d say.

MINISTERViolet, that is quite enough.

VIOLETNo, look -- still plenty standing space at the back.

Face like thunder, the minister walks off. Ted approaches.

VIOLET (CONT’D)Break a leg, Geoff!

(to Ted re: a FAT MOURNER)Looks like being so-called ‘big-boned’ runs in the family.

TEDShhh. They’re in mourning.

FAT MOURNER Any of those wafer things in here?

TEDNo.

FAT MOURNERWhy not? This is a church, right?

23.

TEDNo shit, Hetty Wainthropp. Go and sit down.

Fields of Gold finishes. Several mourners sob.

GLEN(quietly thrilled)

All going very well so far.

EXT. CHURCH - SIMULTANEOUS - DAY 2

Barry stands at the entrance. Two mourners approach.

BARRYStanding room only, I’m afraid.

Two more mourners approach.

BARRY (CONT’D)Standing room only, I’m afraid.

A man in a wheelchair approaches. Don’t, Barry, don’t say-

BARRY (CONT’D)Standing room only, I’m afraid.

INT. CHURCH - LATER - DAY 2

MINISTER... and the cortege will travel to Yarrow Cemetery for the burial at 3:30pm. Thank you.

Mourners begin to gather their things and stand up. Alejandro lights a suspiciously small cigarette.

GLENYou can’t do that now!

ALEJANDROIt’s time for the huge death box?

(stepping forward, clapping)

Right boys, let’s lift this bitch!

BARRYNo Alejandro, everyone leaves first.

Barry presses play and Songbird begins. Ted halts some mourners preparing to exit.

TEDWait please. Family first.

24.

At the front, the family faff about, talking to one another.

INT. CHURCH - THREE MINUTES LATER - DAY 2

The family gab to people on their way up the aisle. Violet dishes out pamphlets to the back row.

BRUCE(under breath)

Sometime today, you chumps.

Songbird ends. The opening riff to Angel of Death by Slayer blasts out. Barry jabs at the remote, all fingers and thumbs, succeeding only in increasing the volume.

GLENGood grief! No!

Glen commandeers the remote and locates the pause button.

GLEN (CONT’D)(to everyone)

Apologies for that malfunction. If I can ask you to make your way to-

Motioning to the door with the remote, he inadvertently unpauses the song. Barry grapples for the remote.

BARRYJust press the-

The song squeals, fast-forwarding along to the chorus: ‘Angel of Death! Monarch to the kingdom of the dead!’

Alejandro hoists himself onto the ledge and rips the cable from the wall. He and the speaker unit crash to the floor.

ALEJANDRO(clutching his shoulder)

Aaahhh!

The family waddle out, glowering at Glen and his merry men.

INT. CHURCH - MINUTES LATER - DAY 2

Barry, Bruce, Glen, Ted and Alejandro stand by the coffin.

BARRYI didn’t know how to make a new playlist, so just added the songs onto an old one.

BRUCEAn old one you did know how to make. That figures.

25.

GLENI don’t know how you can listen to a racket like that. It’s... awful.

TEDAgreed. Maybe their worst album.

(re: coffin)Right gents, just as we practised.

GLENAs we attempted to practise, but the opposite to how it turned out.

BARRYWalk straight back.

TEDNo, walk with your back straight.

BARRYKnees bent.

TEDThat’s when we slide it into the car, idiot.

BRUCEShit, the car -- it’s still round the back!

GLENThunderation! Go and get it. Now!

Bruce sprints off.

GLEN (CONT’D)Okay, we’re back to four. Let’s just take it slow and steady.

They heave the coffin up.

ALEJANDROAhhh, my shoulder!

TEDCome on, you big pansy potter.

BARRYWhich way are we heading out?

GLENThrough the building’s only door, Barry! Think before speaking, for once!

ALEJANDROStop shouting at sweet Barry! Oww!

26.

GLENAlejandro! Be! Quiet!

They lurch and stagger their way down the aisle.

EXT. CHURCH - MOMENTS LATER - DAY 2

The mourners watch on as the coffin shakily emerges. Violet talks to the pregnant lady from the buffet earlier on.

VIOLET... In fact, the only time it’s legal to bury two people together is a mother and child who’ve both died during birth. You could put down a non-refundable deposit, just to be safe?

The pregnant lady bursts into hormonal tears.

VIOLET (CONT’D)Come on, stop attention-seeking -- it’s very unattractive.

(re: coffin)Finally! What took them?

GLEN(gritted teeth)

Where’s the ruddy car?

All eyes are on them. They sway, unsure what do. Ted turns sharply and suddenly.

TEDShift over here, off the road.

ALEJANDROOwww!

Alejandro lets go and the coffin crashes to the ground. Barry flops onto the lid to stop it from falling open.

The crowd are agape. Glen attempts to hide the brouhaha by standing in front of it.

TEDI hate it when this happens.

He produces a hip flask and partakes of a mammoth swig.

GLENCan I have everyone’s attention?

MOURNER #1That’s an unnecessary request...

27.

GLENThe cortege route is via Woodend Road, rather than Hillside Terrace. There’s an interesting reason for this -- in 1993, Ted Friar and I fi-

There are audible GASPS as Bruce pulls up in the hearse. His brain tells him it must be because he’s so darn good-looking.

BRUCEHello there! Hi!

REVEAL: The flowers in the hearse have been rearranged from ‘JACK’ to read ‘FUCK’.

EXT. CHURCH REAR CAR PARK - SIMULTANEOUS - DAY 2

Flower petals blow around on the ground. The two football kids kick the ball back and forth.

EXT. CHURCH - CONTINUOUS - DAY 2

The crowd turns hostile. A couple of crying children and perhaps a fainting elderly aunt might be nice touches here.

MOURNER #2I’ve never been more appalled!

MOURNER #3Outrageous!

MOURNER #4Get off my uncle’s coffin, you gormless gimp!

MOURNER #1For shame!

TEDOh, give us a break, you bunch of morons. I’d like to see any of you lifting this fat prick. Fucking disgusting, letting yourself balloon to that size.

Barry’s phone starts RINGING - he lets go of the coffin to answer it and the lid falls open. Further SCREAMS.

Completely crestfallen, Glen looks to the sky as we pull out amidst a pandemonium of HOWLS and DERISION.

THE END

28.