Gita YogaGita Yoga

How to ForgiveHow to Forgive

byby

Andre GrayAndre Gray

How to ForgiveHow to Forgive

The Forgiveness TestThe Forgiveness Test What is Forgiveness?What is Forgiveness? The 3 Dangers of the ApologyThe 3 Dangers of the Apology The 4 Tools of ForgivenessThe 4 Tools of Forgiveness The Results of ForgivenessThe Results of Forgiveness

The Forgiveness TestThe Forgiveness Test

Take the following test with a particular person in Take the following test with a particular person in mind and answer the questions in relation to that mind and answer the questions in relation to that person.person.

Use the scale below to answer the questions.Use the scale below to answer the questions.

1 – No/Never1 – No/Never 2 – Rarely2 – Rarely 3 – Somewhat/Occasionally3 – Somewhat/Occasionally 4 – More often than not4 – More often than not 5 – Yes/Inevitably5 – Yes/Inevitably

The Forgiveness TestThe Forgiveness Test

Does being angry/resentful give you a feeling Does being angry/resentful give you a feeling of being more powerful, more in control?of being more powerful, more in control?

1 – No/Never1 – No/Never 2 – Rarely2 – Rarely 3 – Somewhat/Occasionally3 – Somewhat/Occasionally 4 – More often than not4 – More often than not 5 – Yes/Inevitably5 – Yes/Inevitably

The Forgiveness TestThe Forgiveness Test

Do you use anger/resentment as the impetus Do you use anger/resentment as the impetus and fuel to get things done?and fuel to get things done?

1 – No/Never1 – No/Never 2 – Rarely2 – Rarely 3 – Somewhat/Occasionally3 – Somewhat/Occasionally 4 – More often than not4 – More often than not 5 – Yes/Inevitably5 – Yes/Inevitably

The Forgiveness TestThe Forgiveness Test

Do you use anger/resentment to control Do you use anger/resentment to control others?others?

1 – No/Never1 – No/Never 2 – Rarely2 – Rarely 3 – Somewhat/Occasionally3 – Somewhat/Occasionally 4 – More often than not4 – More often than not 5 – Yes/Inevitably5 – Yes/Inevitably

The Forgiveness TestThe Forgiveness Test

Do you use anger/resentment to avoid Do you use anger/resentment to avoid communication?communication?

1 – No/Never1 – No/Never 2 – Rarely2 – Rarely 3 – Somewhat/Occasionally3 – Somewhat/Occasionally 4 – More often than not4 – More often than not 5 – Yes/Inevitably5 – Yes/Inevitably

The Forgiveness TestThe Forgiveness Test

Do you use anger/resentment to help you feel Do you use anger/resentment to help you feel safe? Does it seem to serve as a protection?safe? Does it seem to serve as a protection?

1 – No/Never1 – No/Never 2 – Rarely2 – Rarely 3 – Somewhat/Occasionally3 – Somewhat/Occasionally 4 – More often than not4 – More often than not 5 – Yes/Inevitably5 – Yes/Inevitably

The Forgiveness TestThe Forgiveness Test

Do you use anger/resentment as a way of Do you use anger/resentment as a way of asserting you are right?asserting you are right?

1 – No/Never1 – No/Never 2 – Rarely2 – Rarely 3 – Somewhat/Occasionally3 – Somewhat/Occasionally 4 – More often than not4 – More often than not 5 – Yes/Inevitably5 – Yes/Inevitably

The Forgiveness TestThe Forgiveness Test

Do you hold on to anger/resentment to make Do you hold on to anger/resentment to make others feel guilt?others feel guilt?

1 – No/Never1 – No/Never 2 – Rarely2 – Rarely 3 – Somewhat/Occasionally3 – Somewhat/Occasionally 4 – More often than not4 – More often than not 5 – Yes/Inevitably5 – Yes/Inevitably

The Forgiveness TestThe Forgiveness Test

Do you use anger/resentment to hold onto the Do you use anger/resentment to hold onto the relationship?relationship?

1 – No/Never1 – No/Never 2 – Rarely2 – Rarely 3 – Somewhat/Occasionally3 – Somewhat/Occasionally 4 – More often than not4 – More often than not 5 – Yes/Inevitably5 – Yes/Inevitably

The Forgiveness TestThe Forgiveness Test

Do you use anger/resentment to absolve Do you use anger/resentment to absolve yourself of responsibility and taking control of yourself of responsibility and taking control of your life?your life?

1 – No/Never1 – No/Never 2 – Rarely2 – Rarely 3 – Somewhat/Occasionally3 – Somewhat/Occasionally 4 – More often than not4 – More often than not 5 – Yes/Inevitably5 – Yes/Inevitably

The Forgiveness TestThe Forgiveness Test

Does your anger/resentment keep you in the Does your anger/resentment keep you in the role of victim?role of victim?

1 – No/Never1 – No/Never 2 – Rarely2 – Rarely 3 – Somewhat/Occasionally3 – Somewhat/Occasionally 4 – More often than not4 – More often than not 5 – Yes/Inevitably5 – Yes/Inevitably

The Forgiveness TestThe Forgiveness Test

If you scored 20 or less you are extremely If you scored 20 or less you are extremely well-adjusted, mature and can close this well-adjusted, mature and can close this presentation. If you scored between 20 and 30, presentation. If you scored between 20 and 30, where most people generally fall, you need to where most people generally fall, you need to watch your reactions and work with the watch your reactions and work with the principles outlined here. Anything over 30 principles outlined here. Anything over 30 your ability to experience happiness in life is your ability to experience happiness in life is substantially, even severely curtailed. substantially, even severely curtailed.

What is Forgiveness?What is Forgiveness? Forgiveness is the understanding that, given the other person’s character, Forgiveness is the understanding that, given the other person’s character,

knowledge, values, insecurities, fears and past experiences, that person knowledge, values, insecurities, fears and past experiences, that person could not have behaved differently. The proclivities, nature, instincts and could not have behaved differently. The proclivities, nature, instincts and fears of a tiger cause it to maul a farmer. Forgiveness is the understanding fears of a tiger cause it to maul a farmer. Forgiveness is the understanding that a tiger is, in the final analysis, an animal and cannot behave otherwise. that a tiger is, in the final analysis, an animal and cannot behave otherwise.

However, while we can forgive we do not forget. We do whatever is However, while we can forgive we do not forget. We do whatever is necessary to protect ourselves, our family and loved ones and even resort necessary to protect ourselves, our family and loved ones and even resort to the use of force if necessary. When we operate on the level of to the use of force if necessary. When we operate on the level of forgiveness we understand the impulses and influences to which the tiger is forgiveness we understand the impulses and influences to which the tiger is susceptible. While we may have to put the tiger down, we do not exact susceptible. While we may have to put the tiger down, we do not exact revenge on the entire species. One can still be forgiving and act strongly, revenge on the entire species. One can still be forgiving and act strongly, even forcefully. even forcefully.

Forgiveness is not synonymous with weakness. It is when we forgive AND Forgiveness is not synonymous with weakness. It is when we forgive AND forget that we encounter problems. When we are naïve, foolish and forget that we encounter problems. When we are naïve, foolish and governed by sentimentality we go back into the forest to pet the cute little governed by sentimentality we go back into the forest to pet the cute little kitty cat thinking that our goodwill will bring about a different result! kitty cat thinking that our goodwill will bring about a different result!

What is Forgiveness?What is Forgiveness? A weak person will remain with an abusive spouse thinking A weak person will remain with an abusive spouse thinking

that they should show “kindness”, “compassion”, and “love”. that they should show “kindness”, “compassion”, and “love”. The forgiving person will understand the influences at work The forgiving person will understand the influences at work all the while recognizing that their spouse needs professional all the while recognizing that their spouse needs professional help. This forgiving person will remove him or herself from help. This forgiving person will remove him or herself from the situation and contact the authorities so that the person does the situation and contact the authorities so that the person does not victimize others. not victimize others.

The advantage here is that the forgiving person is no longer The advantage here is that the forgiving person is no longer being abused and subjected to harm and in addition can move being abused and subjected to harm and in addition can move forward with their own life better suited to prevent past forward with their own life better suited to prevent past resentments from entering into and hampering future resentments from entering into and hampering future relationships. relationships.

The 3 Dangers of the ApologyThe 3 Dangers of the Apology

1) It does not require courage1) It does not require courage

2) It can be based on ulterior motives2) It can be based on ulterior motives

3) It can be short term3) It can be short term

The 3 Dangers of the ApologyThe 3 Dangers of the Apology Apologies do not require courage or strength of character, forgiveness Apologies do not require courage or strength of character, forgiveness

does. Listen to the terminology. You “give” an apology whereas you does. Listen to the terminology. You “give” an apology whereas you “seek” forgiveness. When you give an apology you are still closed to “seek” forgiveness. When you give an apology you are still closed to understanding, closed to truth, closed to change and influence. In understanding, closed to truth, closed to change and influence. In forgiveness you are open to the others’ influence because you come from a forgiveness you are open to the others’ influence because you come from a position of personal strength and security. position of personal strength and security.

An apology differs from forgiveness in that an apology is self-centered, An apology differs from forgiveness in that an apology is self-centered, self-involved and self -concerned. We may apologize for moral, political or self-involved and self -concerned. We may apologize for moral, political or social reasons. Sometimes we apologize just to get what we want and at social reasons. Sometimes we apologize just to get what we want and at other times to appear like the better person, to “claim the moral high other times to appear like the better person, to “claim the moral high ground” as it were. An apology is the mentality that “I am giving this ground” as it were. An apology is the mentality that “I am giving this apology because if I do not I will in some way be hurt, disadvantaged or apology because if I do not I will in some way be hurt, disadvantaged or lose something I want.” lose something I want.”

An apology is short term. When you give an apology you are highly likely An apology is short term. When you give an apology you are highly likely to repeat the offense with a different person at a different time but when to repeat the offense with a different person at a different time but when the same set of circumstances presents themselves. In forgiveness the the same set of circumstances presents themselves. In forgiveness the probability of you repeating the offense is practically nil.probability of you repeating the offense is practically nil.

The 4 Tools of ForgivenessThe 4 Tools of Forgiveness

1) Apologize1) Apologize

2) Write2) Write

3) Visualize3) Visualize

4) Confide4) Confide

The 4 Tools of ForgivenessThe 4 Tools of Forgiveness

1) Apologize1) Apologize

When you trespass upon another apologize, while keeping in When you trespass upon another apologize, while keeping in mind the 3 inherent dangers of course. Look within yourself with mind the 3 inherent dangers of course. Look within yourself with honesty and apologize for your mistake. Recognize, identify and honesty and apologize for your mistake. Recognize, identify and acknowledge the qualities, values, fears and insecurities to which acknowledge the qualities, values, fears and insecurities to which you are susceptible and gives rise your to behavior and actions. you are susceptible and gives rise your to behavior and actions. Make a personal commitment to address those predilections as Make a personal commitment to address those predilections as best you can and apologize. best you can and apologize.

The only time to ask for an apology is when you don’t need one. The only time to ask for an apology is when you don’t need one. The only time to ask for an apology is when you have already The only time to ask for an apology is when you have already forgiven the other their trespass, are happy in yourself and do not forgiven the other their trespass, are happy in yourself and do not require the apology. To ask for an apology when you really require the apology. To ask for an apology when you really “need” it and want it is asking for trouble. But if you don’t need “need” it and want it is asking for trouble. But if you don’t need the apology then why ask for it? Good question!the apology then why ask for it? Good question!

The 4 Tools of ForgivenessThe 4 Tools of Forgiveness

2) Write2) Write

Write a letter to the person who has offended, hurt or Write a letter to the person who has offended, hurt or upset you and don’t mince your words. Write exactly upset you and don’t mince your words. Write exactly what you feel, why you feel that way, and how upset, what you feel, why you feel that way, and how upset, angry and frustrated you are with that person. If you angry and frustrated you are with that person. If you have offended someone write a letter of apology to have offended someone write a letter of apology to him or her. You don’t have to send the letter, you can him or her. You don’t have to send the letter, you can keep it or burn it, be that is it may. However, the act keep it or burn it, be that is it may. However, the act of writing the letter gives acknowledgment and clarity of writing the letter gives acknowledgment and clarity to the reality of the situation.to the reality of the situation.

The 4 Tools of ForgivenessThe 4 Tools of Forgiveness

3) Visualize3) Visualize

Take a few minutes out in the day and visualize either Take a few minutes out in the day and visualize either forgiving that person or seeking their forgiveness, forgiving that person or seeking their forgiveness, whatever is the case. However, don’t visualize the whatever is the case. However, don’t visualize the hurt itself because then you are merely stewing in hurt itself because then you are merely stewing in your own juices like soaking in dirty bath water. your own juices like soaking in dirty bath water. Visualize both the act of forgiving and being forgiven. Visualize both the act of forgiving and being forgiven.

The 4 Tools of ForgivenessThe 4 Tools of Forgiveness

4) Confide4) Confide

When you have transgressed upon another and have When you have transgressed upon another and have feelings of guilt and don’t know how to cope then feelings of guilt and don’t know how to cope then confide in another trusted person. This will bring you confide in another trusted person. This will bring you closer to the courage necessary in seeking closer to the courage necessary in seeking forgiveness. Confiding in another when you feel forgiveness. Confiding in another when you feel someone has transgressed upon you can be extremely someone has transgressed upon you can be extremely helpful in beginning the process of forgiveness. helpful in beginning the process of forgiveness.

The Result of Forgiveness The Result of Forgiveness

Forgiving persons carry knowledge, not Forgiving persons carry knowledge, not grudges into future relationships; forgiving grudges into future relationships; forgiving persons carry strength, not fear into future persons carry strength, not fear into future relationships; forgiving persons carry the self-relationships; forgiving persons carry the self-confidence that they can handle whatever their confidence that they can handle whatever their new relationships hold for them, not feelings new relationships hold for them, not feelings of insecurity, fear and self-doubt. of insecurity, fear and self-doubt.

For more Information:For more Information:

www.GitaYoga.netwww.GitaYoga.net