FORGIVENESS - NIEAPA · •workplace anger & revenge •mezzo & macro interventions •the nature...
Transcript of FORGIVENESS - NIEAPA · •workplace anger & revenge •mezzo & macro interventions •the nature...
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FORGIVENESSAT WORK, AT HOME, & IN THE CLINIC
CHET TARANOWSKI PH.D. CEAPJUNE 4, 2019
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WHO AM I?
• PH.D. UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS AT CHICAGO
• JANE ADDAMS COLLEGE OF SOCIAL WORK
• FORMER EAP MANAGER AT AON CORPORATION
• PRESENTER ON TOPICS RELATED TO
• ENGAGEMENT AT WORK
• WELL-BEING
• CERTIFICATION COMMISSION FOR EMPLOYEE ASSISTANCE PROFESSIONALS
• ADJUNCT ASSISTANT PROFESSOR OF SOCIAL WORK
• UNIVERSITY OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
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Virtual Academic Center
University of Southern California
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WHY FORGIVENESS?
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CIVILITY & COMPASSION
IN THE WORKPLACE
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VANAPRASTHA
THE HERMIT IN RETREAT
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP7
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AGING EAP WORK FORCE
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 8
Taranowski, & Tewksbury, 2016
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REFLECT ON YOUR OWN RESENTMENTS
& FORGIVENESSISSUES
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MACRO LEVEL EFFORTS
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TOPICS FOR TODAY
• WORKPLACE ANGER & REVENGE
• MEZZO & MACRO INTERVENTIONS
• THE NATURE OF FORGIVENESS
• WHY SHOULD I FORGIVE?
• THE PROCESS OF FORGIVENESS
• FORGIVENESS OUTCOMES
• PERSONAL REFLECTIONS
• RESOURCES FOR FORGIVENESS
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CULTURAL ATTITUDES TOWARD FORGIVENESS
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We are turning away from
forgiveness & compassion
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FORGIVENESS AND RELIGION
• RELIGION’S MISSION TO HELP US
LIVE TOGETHER
• SEE FORGIVENESS AS AN
IMPORTANT PART OF THEIR
THEOLOGY
• FORGIVENESS FOSTERS THE
FEELING OF UNITY,
• A COSMIC TRANSCENDENT EXPERIENCE
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP14
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RELIGION &
FORGIVENESS
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Jessica Kingsley Publishers
Sep 21, 2018
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HUMILITY MAY BE IMPORTANT IN THE PROCESS OF
FORGIVENESS
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ARE SOME THINGS THAT
SHOULDN’T (OR CAN’T)
BE FORGIVEN?
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Pham Thi Kim Phuc
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“WE MUST DEVELOP AND MAINTAIN
THE CAPACITY TO FORGIVE. HE
WHO IS DEVOID OF THE POWER TO
FORGIVE IS DEVOID OF THE POWER
TO LOVE…. THERE IS SOME GOOD
IN THE WORST OF US AND SOME
EVIL IN THE BEST OF US. WHEN WE
DISCOVER THIS, WE ARE LESS
PRONE TO HATE OUR ENEMIES.”
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“TO FORGIVE IS TO SET A PRISONER FREE &
DISCOVER THAT THE PRISONER WAS YOU.”
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ANGER, RESENTMENT & REVENGE
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EXAMPLE OF “MINOR” REVENGE
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Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP
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REVENGE:
MARVIN HEEMEYER
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WORKPLACE VIOLENCE
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WHY ANGER & REVENGE AT WORK?
• A RESPONSE TO SOME PERCEIVED HARM OR
WRONGDOING BY ANOTHER PARTY WHICH IS
INTENDED TO INFLICT DAMAGE, INJURY,
DISCOMFORT, OR PUNISHMENT ON THE PARTY
DEEMED RESPONSIBLE.
27From: Tripp and Bies, Getting Even
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP
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TRIGGERS OF ANGER & REVENGE AT WORK
• GOAL OBSTRUCTION
• BREAKING RULES AND NORMS
• BROKEN PROMISES
• LYING
• STEALING IDEAS
• DISCLOSURE OF PRIVATE CONFIDENCES
• DAMAGE TO REPUTATION
• DESTRUCTIVE CRITICISM
• EMBARRASSMENT
• HYPERCRITICAL BOSSES
• ATTACKS ON STATUS
• JOB SECURITY
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TO HEIGHTEN THE LIKELIHOOD REVENGE
• BAD THINGS ARE A SURPRISE
• THE EVENTS ARE INTENSE
• PEOPLE MORALIZE• NOT JUST HURT. MORAL LAW VIOLATED.
• PEOPLE BECOME FEARFUL,• BACKED INTO A CORNER
• THEY RUMINATE THE INJUSTICE
• THE MORE ANGRY THE WORSE RESPONSE
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ANGER IN THE WORKPLACE
IS OFTEN ABOUTPERCEPTIONS OF
INJUSTICE.
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ORGANIZATIONAL JUSTICE
•PROCEDURAL JUSTICE,
•INTERACTIONAL JUSTICE,
•DISTRIBUTIVE JUSTICE,
•INFORMATIONAL JUSTICE
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POOR, DISRESPECTFUL, OR UNFAIR PROBLEM SOLVING SYSTEMS
LEADS TO VIGILANTE JUSTICE
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PROBLEM SOLVING MECHANISMS
• IN SOME ORGANIZATIONS IN CAN BE RATHER CAPRICIOUS
• THE POWERFUL OFTEN HAVE THE ADVANTAGE
• IF THERE IS A PROCESS, IT IS NOT WELL KNOWN
• PEOPLE HAVE SEEN IT BACKFIRE
• AND ONLY MERELY SYMBOLIC
• DO WE ULTIMATELY PUNISH THE BULLY OR THE VICTIM?
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REMOVE AS MANY
TRIGGERS AS IS POSSIBLE.
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Practical considerations
EAP as an Organizational Consultant
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MANAGER STRATEGY
• TRAINING & POLICIES TO ESTABLISH VALUES & CULTURE
• DON’T DISRESPECT EMPLOYEES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC
• KEEP YOUR PROMISES WHENEVER YOU CAN.
• FOLLOW THE RULES FAIRLY
• GO OUT OF YOUR WAY TO MAKE SURE EMPLOYEES ALSO
PERCEIVE YOUR DECISIONS AS FAIR.
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SYSTEMS TO MINIMIZE ANGER & REVENGE
1. APPLY RULES CONSISTENTLY
2. GIVE EMPLOYEES A VOICE
3. MAKE SURE INFORMATION IS ACCURATE
5. MAKE DECISIONS CORRECTABLE
I.E. HAVE AN APPEAL PROCESS
6. MAKES THINGS SO TRANSPARENT
THAT PEOPLE WILL NOT EVEN ASK.
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DOES ANYONE KNOW OF MODEL
ORGANIZATIONS WHO DO THIS WELL?
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PERPETRATORS
• THE INJUSTICE CAN BE
PERPETRATED BY ANYONE.
• THEY MAY BE PERCEIVED
ACCURATELY
• THE PERCEPTIONS MAY BE VERY
DISTORTED
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ATTRIBUTIONS OF BLAME
• WHY DID THEY DO IT?
• WAS IT INTENTIONAL?
• AS OPPOSED TO NEGLIGENCE
• IF INTENTIONAL –
• HOW MUCH RETRIBUTION DOES
THE PERPETRATOR DESERVE?
• WHAT PUNISHMENT FITS THIS “CRIME?”
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PREVENT RETALIATINGQUESTIONS FOR THE WOULD-BE AVENGER:
1. ARE YOU SURE THE OFFENDER DESERVES IT?
2. WILL THE PUNISHMENT FIT THE CRIME?
3. CAN YOU GET AWAY WITH IT?
4. WILL YOU REGRET IT?
5. IS IT ETHICAL?
6. CAN YOU TALK TO THE OFFENDER?
7. CAN YOU TALK TO THE BOSS?
8. CAN YOU FORGIVE THE OFFENDER?
9. WILL THE OFFENDER REALLY BE TAUGHT A LESSON?
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SOME THEORIES OF THE
FORGIVENESS PROCESS
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Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 43
Fredrick Luskin Ph.D.
Stanford Forgiveness
Project
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SUBJECT MATTER EXPERT - FORGIVENESS
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Robert Enright Ph.D.University of Wisconsin
• Forgiveness inventory
• International Forgiveness Institute
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EVERETT WORTHINGTON PH.D.
PROFESSOR OF PSYCHOLOGY
VIRGINIA COMMONWEALTH UNIVERSITY
COMMUNITY FORGIVENESS &
FORGIVENESS PROJECT FOR AFRICA
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MICHAEL MCCULLOUGH
DEPARTMENT OF PSYCHOLOGY
UNIVERSITY OF MIAMI
BOOKS AND ARTICLES ON
FORGIVENESS & FOCUS
EVOLUTIONAL PSYCHOLOGY
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ACCEPTING THE
ADVANTAGES
OF
FORGIVENESS
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WHAT DO WE KNOW ABOUT
FORGIVENESS?
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WE FORGIVE WHEN WE:
• OVERCOME THE RESENTMENT TOWARD THE OFFENDER
• NOT BY DENYING OUR RIGHT TO THE RESENTMENT
• OFFERING THE WRONGDOER COMPASSION, BENEVOLENCE & LOVE,
• THE OFFENDER MAY NOT HAVE A RIGHT TO SUCH GIFTS
• AS WE GIVE THESE, WE ARE FORGIVERS
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WHAT DO WE MEAN BY FORGIVENESS?ENRIGHT
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DIFFERENT FROM:
• CONDONING
• EXCUSING
• RECONCILING
• FORGETTING
• DENYING
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DEVELOPMENTAL STAGES FORGIVENESS
1. REVENGE FORGIVENESS
2. RESTITUTION FORGIVENESS
3. EXPECTATIONAL & LAWFUL FORGIVENESS
• BECAUSE CHURCH & LAW TELLS US TO
4. FORGIVENESS FOR SOCIAL HARMONY
5. FORGIVENESS AS LOVE
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AGE & WILLINGNESS TO FORGIVE
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Willingness to forgive others
Age
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RESENT VS. FORGIVE: RESULTS
• UNFORGIVING THOUGHTS
• AVERSIVE EMOTION,
• INCREASED HEART RATE,
• INCREASED BLOOD PRESSURE
• PERSISTED AFTER-IMAGERY
INTO THE RECOVERY PERIODS.
• BLAMING ASSOCIATED WITH
HEART DISEASE
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP
53 53
• FORGIVENESS
• INCREASED MENTAL HEALTH
• FEWER PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS,
• FEWER MEDICATIONS USED,
• BETTER SLEEP QUALITY,
• LESS FATIGUE,
• FEWER SOMATIC COMPLAINTS
• BETTER RELATIONSHIPS
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HOW ARE GRIEVANCES FORMED?
1. WE TAKE OFFENSE PERSONALLY
2. WE BLAME: WHOSE FAULT IS THIS?
3. A GRIEVANCE STORY: TO EXPLAIN
THE PAIN.
4. UN-ENFORCEABLE RULES. CBT/RET
5. THE MAGNITUDE GAP
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 54
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COMMON UNENFORCEABLE RULES
• MY PARTNER MUST ALWAYS DO WHAT I WANT.
• PEOPLE SHOULD TREAT ME EXACTLY THE WAY I WANT TO BE TREATED.
• LIFE SHOULD BE FAIR.
• PEOPLE ALWAYS MUST TREAT ME WITH KINDNESS.
• LIFE MUST BE EASY.
• MY PAST SHOULD BE DIFFERENT.
• MY PARENTS SHOULD HAVE TREATED ME BETTER
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 55
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MAGNITUDE GAP
• A SELF-SERVING DISTORTION ON THE PART OF BOTH VICTIMS AND
PERPETRATORS
• VICTIMS WERE MORE LIKELY TO EXAGGERATE THE SEVERITY OF THE
EVENT.
• PERPETRATORS EMPHASIZED DETAILS THAT MINIMIZE THEIR
TRANSGRESSIONS.
• MAY EVEN SEE THEMSELVES AS THE TRUE VICTIMS RESPONDING TO
PROVOCATIONS OF THE ACTUAL VICTIM.
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 5656
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MAGNITUDE GAP
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP
57
Perpetrator
“I didn’t do
anything
Wrong.”
Victim
“He
maliciously
hurt me.”
Gap
Severity
57
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SOURCES OF GRIEVANCES
• FOR OLDER ADULTS, THE DEEPEST HURT OCCURRED WITHIN THE FAMILY
• SPOUSE CHILDREN PARENTS & CLOSE RELATIVES
• FOR YOUNG ADULTS: BOYFRIENDS OR GIRLFRIENDS
• THOSE WHO WERE DEEPLY HURT BY LOVED ONES, VS. THOSE HURT BY
ACQUAINTANCES OR STRANGERS, MORE LIKELY TO EXPERIENCE:
• HEIGHTENED ANXIETY
• PSYCHOLOGICAL DIFFICULTIES
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 58
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WHY DO PEOPLE HOLD ON TO ANGER?
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 59
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WHAT YOU MIGHT HEAR/SAY
• FORGIVENESS MEANS:
• “HE GOT AWAY WITH IT.”
• “I MIGHT BE HURT AGAIN.”
• “I JUST DON’T THINK IT IS
POSSIBLE TO FORGIVE ”
• “I CAN’T BELIEVE MY FEELINGS
WILL EVER CHANGE”
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 60
Delia Brown
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CHALLENGE THE BARRIERS
• JUSTICE WILL NOT BE SERVED.
• NO CONTROL OF A PERPETRATOR,
• GUILT VS. SHAME.
• SAVE FACE
• FORGIVENESS: CANCELLATION OF DEBT
• RELINQUISH POWER
• FEAR OF CONDONING UNKIND ACTIONS.
• WILL I BE HURT AGAIN
• WILL OTHERS BE HURT
• “I WOULD HAVE TO FORGET”
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP61
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TO FORGIVE & LET GO
• ACKNOWLEDGING: PEOPLE HAVE A RIGHT TO BE
TREATED WITH RESPECT
• ADMIT THAT WE HAVE BEEN HURT & WE HAVE A
RIGHT TO FEEL HURT
• FACING OUR FEELINGS.
• WE DON’T HAVE TO FORGET. WE MUST REMEMBER.
• THIS IS NO TIME FOR FALSE BRAVADO
• “HE CAN’T REALLY HURT ME”
• THIS PREVENTS US FROM REALLY FACING OUR FEELINGS.
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 62
Jaco Sieberhagen (b 1961)
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Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 63
MAKING THE CASE
FOR FORGIVENESS
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WHY DO PEOPLE FORGIVE? SURVEY - ENRIGHT
1. TO QUIET ANGRY FEELINGS
2. TO CHANGE DESTRUCTIVE THOUGHTS INTO QUIETER MORE HEALTHY THOUGHTS
3. AS YOU FORGIVE, YOU ACT MORE CIVILITY TOWARD THE ONE WHO HURT YOU
4. FORGIVENESS OF ONE HELPS YOU INTERACT BETTER WITH OTHERS
5. FORGIVENESS TO IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THE ONE WHO HURT YOU
6. TO HELP THE ONE WHO HURT YOU SEE HIS UNFAIRNESS AND TAKE STEPS TO STOP IT.
• YOUR FORGIVING MAY ENHANCE THE CHARACTER OF THE OFFENDER
7. FOR RELIGIOUS REASONS
8. FORGIVENESS IS AN ACT OF KINDNESS & LOVE TOWARD THE ONE WHO HURT YOU.
• IT IS A MORAL GOOD REGARDLESS OF THE OTHER’S RESPONSE
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 64
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Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 65
RESENTMENT CAN FEEL LIKE CLUTCHING
A BURNING STICK, WHILE COMPLAINING THAT IT’S BURNING.
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THE PROMISE OF FORGIVENESS
• A FEELING OF PEACE EMERGES AS YOU TAKE HURT LESS PERSONALLY.
• A HERO INSTEAD A VICTIM IN YOUR STORY.
• IT DOESN’T CHANGE THE PAST, BUT PROVIDES PEACE NOW
• GOOD FOR US & OUR COMMUNITY.
• HELPS US UNLEARN DYSFUNCTIONAL RULES ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS
• FORGIVENESS HELPS US TO HELP OTHERS.
• IT FREES UP ENERGY FOR TREATING OTHERS BETTER.
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP66
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THE PARADOX OF FORGIVING:
AS WE LET GO, OR REACH OUT
TO THE ONES WHO HURT US
WE ARE THE ONES WHO HEAL.
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 67
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HOW DOES ONE BEGIN TO FORGIVE?
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 68
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AMBIVALENCE
INEVITABLE
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP69
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WHY SHOULD ONE BEGIN THE PROCESS?
1. “I AM TIRED OF FEELING THIS PAIN AND I WANT IT TO STOP”
2. “I DON’T WANT TO GO ON LETTING THIS PERSON HURT ME”
3. “IF I FORGIVE I WILL L FEEL BETTER”
4. “IF I FORGIVE, MAYBE I WILL BECOME PHYSICALLY OR
PSYCHOLOGICALLY HEALTHIER”
5. “I DON’T WANT TO GIVE THIS PERSON THE SATISFACTION OF
HURTING ME.”
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 70
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BEGINNING THE PROCESS
• PREPARATION
• EDUCATE
• DISCUSS WHAT WE KNOW ABOUT FORGIVENESS
• ARE YOU READY TO GO ON THIS JOURNEY?
• START WITH A SINGLE OFFENSE
• ASK, WHO HURT YOU?
• SOMETIMES IT IS A GROUP, BUT USUALLY IT IS SOME INDIVIDUAL
• IT IS USUALLY BEST TO START WITH THE PERSON WHOM THEY ARE THE ANGRIEST
• ALTHOUGH WORTHINGTON SAYS START WITH A MINOR HURT
• HOW DEEP IS THE HURT?
• OR, START WITH CHILDHOOD INJURIES & WORK TOWARD THE PRESENT
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 71
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HEAL & REACH(LUSKIN) (WORTHINGTON)
• HOPE
• EDUCATE
• AFFIRM
• LONG-TERM
COMMITMENT
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 72
• RECALL
• EMPATHIZE
• ALTRUISM
• COMMIT
• HOLD
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THE PHASES OF FORGIVENESS ENRIGHT
1. UNCOVERING YOUR ANGER
2. DECIDING TO FORGIVE
3. WORKING ON FORGIVENESS
4. DISCOVERY & RELEASE
FROM EMOTIONAL PRISON
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP73
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REMEMBER THE EVENT IN DETAIL
• THE FACT THAT YOU FELT HURT, DOESN’T MEAN YOU HAVE BEEN THE VICTIM OF INJUSTICE
• COULD YOU BE MISUNDERSTANDING SOMETHING IN THE RELATIONSHIP?
• ARE YOUR EXPECTATIONS TOO HIGH?
• IS IT POSSIBLE YOU CONTRIBUTED TO THE SITUATION?
• WERE YOU BOTH GUILTY OF INSENSITIVITY?
• IS THERE A REASON THE PERSON ACTED AS HE OR SHE DID?
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 74
Question initial perceptions
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PHASES OF FORGIVENESS
1. UNCOVERING YOUR ANGER
• HAVE YOU AVOIDED DEALING WITH ANGER?
• ARE YOU AFRAID TO EXPOSE SHAME OR GUILT?
• HAS YOUR ANGER AFFECTED YOUR HEALTH?
• HAVE YOU BEEN OBSESSED ABOUT THE INJURY OR OFFENDER?
• DO YOU COMPARE YOUR SITUATION WITH THE OFFENDER?
• HAS THE INJURY CAUSED A PERMANENT CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE?
• HAD THE INJURY CHANGED YOUR WORLDVIEW?
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 75
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GUILT & SHAME
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP76
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ENRIGHT
2. DECIDING TO FORGIVE
• WHAT YOU HAVE DONE BEFORE
HASN’T WORKED
• WILLING TO BEGIN THE FORGIVENESS
PROCESS
• EXPLAIN TO YOURSELF WHY YOU ARE
MAKING THE DECISION TO FORGIVE
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP77
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FORGIVING ISN’T EASY
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 78
It is a difficult choice & an ongoing process
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ENRIGHT
3. WORKING ON FORGIVENESS
• WORK TOWARD UNDERSTANDING
• WORK TOWARD COMPASSION
• ACCEPT THE PAIN
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 79
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WORKING ON FORGIVENESS
• “WALK IN THE SHOES” OF THE PERPETRATOR▪ CONSIDER THAT PERSON’S VULNERABILITIES.
• MAKE A COMMITMENT TO NOT PASS ALONG MORE PAIN▪ EVEN TO THE PERSON WHO HURT YOU
• DECIDE INSTEAD TO OFFER THE WORLD MERCY & GOODWILL.▪ YOU MAY WISH TO RECONCILE WITH THE PERSON
▪ BUT THAT’S NOT ESSENTIAL
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 80
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OFFENDERS ACT FOR REASONSMAYBE NOT GOOD ONES
• WHAT WAS LIFE LIKE FOR HIM/HER GROWING
UP?
• WHAT WAS LIFE LIKE FOR HIM/HER AT THE
TIME OF THE OFFENSE?
• WHAT WAS YOUR RELATIONSHIP LIKE?
• NONE OF THESE ARE EXCUSES
• BUT THEY MAY BE UNDERSTANDABLE
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 81
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FORGIVING IS A CHOICE YOU ARE FREE TO MAKE OR TO REJECT
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 82
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TAKING A GLOBAL PERSPECTIVE
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 83
Sometimes actions can seem so evil
• Do we see them as less than human?
They may deserve punishment, but not a denial of humanity
Is it better for us collectively to see others this way
• If there is a God or higher power, Would he/she want this?
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FORGIVENESS IS RELATED TO, BUT NOT THE SAME AS,
RECONCILIATION.
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 84
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FORGIVING & RECONCILING
• WHEN PEOPLE RECONCILE THEY COME
TOGETHER IN TRUST,
• BOTH MUST WANT THIS.
• FORGIVENESS COMES FIRST;
• OTHERWISE REMAINS OF THE RESENTMENT
WILL INTERFERE.
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 85
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MUST THE FORGIVER TRUST THE OFFENDER?
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 86
Trust is part of reconciliation;
its absence can make coming together difficult.
Are there areas this person should not be trusted?
Trust comes in small doses
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ENRIGHT
4. DISCOVERY & RELEASE FROM EMOTIONAL PRISON
• DISCOVER YOU ARE NOT ALONE
• DISCOVER THE MEANING OF SUFFERING
• CONSIDER THE PURPOSE OF YOUR LIFE
• DISCOVER YOUR NEED FOR FORGIVENESS
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 87
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ACCEPTING &TRANSCENDING
EMOTIONAL PAIN
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP
88
Scy Caroselli
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THERE CAN BE MEANING THROUGH SUFFERING
POST TRAUMATIC GROWTH
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 89
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Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP90
CHANGE THE NARRATIVE
FROM
VICTIM TO HERO
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WHAT DOES IMPROVEMENT LOOK LIKE?
1. NEGATIVE FEELING TOWARD THE
OFFENDER
2. NEGATIVE THOUGHTS TOWARD THE
OFFENDER
3. NEGATIVE BEHAVIORS TOWARD THE
OFFENDER
4. RUMINATION ABOUT THE INJUSTICE
1. POSITIVE FEELING TOWARD THE OFFENDER
2. POSITIVE THOUGHTS TOWARD THE
OFFENDER
3. POSITIVE BEHAVIORS TOWARD THE
OFFENDER
4. GREATER WELL-BEING
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 91
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PURPOSE: WHERE DO YOU GO FROM HERE?
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 92
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SELF FORGIVENESS & FORGIVENESS FROM OTHERS
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP93
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DISCOVER YOUR NEED FOR FORGIVENESS
SELF FORGIVENESS
1. I FAILED AT SOME DEVELOPMENTAL TASK – I DIDN’T FINISH SCHOOL
2. I FAILED TO HELP SOMEONE ELSE OR THEMSELVES AT A CRUCIAL TIME
3. I HURT SOMEONE ELSE
4. I DID SELF-DESTRUCTIVE THINGS (ADDICTIONS, ETC.)
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 94
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IS SELF FORGIVENESS EASIER OR HARDER?
• HARDER
• YOU ARE BOTH THE PERPETRATOR AND THE
FORGIVER
• NO ESCAPE – YOU ARE YOU 24/7
• YOU KNOW ABOUT YOUR TRUE MOTIVATION AND
WEAKNESS
• WE HAVE WRONGED SOMEONE ELSE -HARD TO
LIVE WITH THE GUILT
• WE FEEL THE WRONGDOER MUST PAY – JUSTICE
REQUIRES SOME FORM OF SELF-PUNISHMENT
• EASIER
• YOU HAVE MORE CONTROL OVER YOUR OWN
ACTIONS THAN YOU WOULD EVER HAVE OVER
OTHERS.
• YOU CAN MAKE AMENDS FOR YOUR ACTIONS
• THE SAME FORGIVENESS COMPONENTS CAN BE
USED FOR SELF-FORGIVENESS.
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP95
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SUCCESSFULLY ASKING FOR FORGIVENESS
1. YOU CONFESS
2. YOU OFFER NO EXCUSES
3. YOU MAKE A CLEAR APOLOGY
4. YOU EMPATHIZE WITH THE VICTIM
5. IN SPITE OF WHAT HAPPENED: TELL THEM THEY ARE VALUED
6. OFFER RESTITUTION –
• IF POSSIBLE AND IF IT DOESN’T MAKE THE SITUATION WORSE
7. YOU STATE YOU WILL TRY NOT TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS TO
OTHERS
8. EXPLICITLY ASK FOR FORGIVENESS
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 96
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EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED REACTION
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 97
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BROADEN AND BUILD
B. FREDERICKSON.
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 98
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THERE IS GOOD AND EVIL IN ALL OF US
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 99
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WHAT ABOUT JUSTICE?
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 100
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CAN WE FORGIVE THE DEAD?
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 101
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ARE SOME PEOPLE UNFORGIVABLE?
SUPPOSE THEY ARE UNREPENTANT?
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 102
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CAN ONE FORGIVE THE OFFENDER IF THE
OFFENDER DID NOT INTEND THE WRONG?
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 103
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WHO DO YOU NEED TO FORGIVE?
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 104
Personal Thought Experiment
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FORGIVENESS
RESOURCES
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 105
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FORGIVENESS RATING SCALES
• SEE REVIEW
MEASURES OF FORGIVENESS: SELF-REPORT,
PHYSIOLOGICAL, CHEMICAL, AND
BEHAVIORAL ENRIGHT FORGIVENESS INVENTORY
• ENRIGHT FORGIVENESS INVENTORY
• THE FORGIVENESS SCALE
• FORGIVENESS LIKELIHOOD SCALE
Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP
106
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Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 107
Rye (2001)
Rye, (1998)
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Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 108
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Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 109
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Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 110
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Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 111
The Power of ForgivenessEverett Worthington
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Chet Taranowski Ph.D. CEAP 112
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MORE TO READ
113
Tripp & Bies
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