Feb. 1, 2011

theScribeFebruary 1 to February 7, 2011 [Volume 35. Issue 17]

These Books

Your Money

pages 6 & 7

The official sTudenT newspaper of The universiTy of colorado

aT colorado springs

the scribe

editorial February 1 to February 7, 2011

Heeeeeeeeere’s Brucey!

Editor-in-ChiefAvalon Manly

The Scribe

UC 106

(719) 255-3658 | (719) 255-3469 | (719) 255-3600

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InformatIon

Letters to the EditorThe Scribe strongly encourages letters to the editor. Letters intended for pub-lication must not exceed 350 words, must be legible and include the writer’s name and contact information. Letters must be submitted to The Scribe via email at [email protected] by 5:00 p.m. on Thursdays before publication. The Scribe reserves the right to reject letters to the editor that are libelous, obscene or anonymous and has the right to edit as necessary due to space limitations, spelling or other grammatical errors and AP style guidelines.

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EdItor-In-ChIEf.........................................avalon manly

managIng EdItor........................................JEssICa lynCh

BusInEss managEr..........................................matt Baatz

advErtIsIng/salEs managEr..........................luIs hIdalgo

nEws EdItor.............................................JoEsph ruffInI

CulturE EdItor.........................................BroCk kIlgorE

athlEtICs EdItor......................................matt Crandall

opInIon/sCrIBBlE EdItor...........................ChErIsE fantus

photograhy EdItor.................................arIEl lattImorE

Copy EdItor.............................................ChErIsE fantus

wEB mastEr.............................................dorIan rogErs

layout dEsIgnErs..........................................J.d. osorIo

..................................................................EmIly olson

rEportErs...................................................alEx CramEr

............................................................ryan pIEChowskI

.................................................................sara horton

photographEr.........................................mIChEllE wood

JunIor rEportErs..........................................ryan adams

..............................................................JErEmy lEngElE

....................................................................matt sIdor

JunIor photographEr...................................BrEtt owEns

ContrIButors...........................................stEvEn farrEll

CartoonIst............................................................arno

dIstrIButor...........................................donald truJIllo

advIsor.....................................................laura EurICh

--------------CovEr IllustratIon avalon manly----------------

Let me tell you, dear read-ers, a little story ‘bout a boy named Bruce. Bruce was born in Los Angeles. He graduated high school at sixteen and took two bachelor’s de-grees from Pomona Col-lege; with his graduation from the Gould School of Law in 1973, he began work as Deputy District Attorney. For six years he worked there, until 1979, when he resigned, accord-ing to him, because the judicial system in south-ern California was in dire need of renovations from without. To many others, it just appeared as though he was utterly frustrated with the courts. The next year, Bruce ran for California State Assembly on a democrat-ic platform. He lost by a relatively narrow margin, but that turned out to be a good thing, because it gave him plenty of time to deal with the collection of tax disputes that came his was in the early ’80s. In the late ’70s, he had purchased several rental properties in LA, and the IRS had issues with some of his bookkeeping. In 1986, Bruce bought up properties in Denver, Pueblo and Colorado Springs. Just before mov-ing to Colorado to man-age them, he changed his party affiliation to repub-lican. The maintenance and upkeep of these prop-erties plagued him from the start and resulted in a number of citations and complaints levied against him, many of which were eventually overturned. Though Bruce an-nounced in 2003 that he was going to sell all his properties in order to dedicate more time to his political aspirations, legal difficulties have pursued him all the way through into last year, when the city of Colorado Springs warned Bruce that it would cost him $40,000 to return water to seven of his properties.

Throughout all of this, Bruce has maintained that his legal troubles are the result of his “Ronald Regan Republican” stanc-es, and that the city has a personal vendetta against him, that it is acting out through specialized and pointed attacks against Bruce himself. Bruce divided his time in Colorado between man-aging his properties and working in the political sphere. In 1988, he wrote the Taxpayer’s Bill of Rights (TABOR), It took three attempts to pass the initiative, but in 1991, it passed with just over 60 percent approval. TABOR was intended as a safeguard against sur-prise tax initiative, “giv-ing voters dominion over tax increases and govern-ment spending,” wrote J. Adrian Staley in The Independent last April. The trouble with TABOR, though, is that it also low-ered property taxes and instated what is called a “ratchet-down effect” on our city’s budget. “TABOR ‘caps’ city spending at whatever was spent last year,” wrote Staley, “plus inflation and city growth (actually defined as net new con-struction). That seems fair enough, but appear-ances can be deceptive, and that’s especially true with TABOR. During a recession, the city spends much less than normal — its budget shrinks because people are spending less and, therefore, tax rev-enues are lower. Under TABOR’s rule, that lower spending punishes the budget of every year that comes after it.” Basically, whatever money we spent on our infrastructure last year, is, when adjusted for inflation and population growth, as much as we can spend this year. That means that our enduring struggles with streetlights, parks, public services and transporta-tion and cultural heritage sites will continue, be-cause we can’t spend any additional money to fix them. Had Colorado Springs retained a healthy econo-my since 1991, TABOR would have been a pretty great thing for Colorado Springs, since we would have made more money and been able to spend more money. Clearly, however, that’s just not how the world works, and now our streets are dark-

ening, our buses travel shorter routes and our playgrounds rust. Despite considerable and valiant efforts to “de-Bruce” Colorado Springs from TABOR’s tighten-ing grip, Bruce maintains that his initiative is still the best thing for our city. But hey, if I’d spent much of my adult life nurtur-ing legislation powerful enough to destroy a city, I probably wouldn’t give it up easily, either. Bruce has served as El Paso County Commis-sioner in 2004, where he was regularly on the losing side of four-to-one votes. Throughout his political career, his uninhibited passion for government is apparent: it was once ruled at a county commis-sion meeting in 2004 that he was no longer permit-ted to discuss the politics of Colorado Springs. In 2007, Bruce moved on to the Colorado House of Representatives. Dur-ing the opening prayer at his swearing-in ceremony, he kicked a Rocky Moun-tain News photographer who was attempted to take his picture. He refused to apologize, and for it be-came the first representa-tive in Colorado history to be formally censured by the state house – a ruling that was decided almost unanimously. Innumerable such an-ecdotes pepper Bruce’s career, from his refusal to recognize the service of American veterans (which resulted in his re-moval from the House, State, Veterans and Mili-tary Affairs Committee) to the eight days he spent in jail in 1995 on a con-tempt of court charge, to his tactless reference to il-legal Mexican immigrants as “illiterate peasants” (which got him barred from further debate on the topic, and made other leg-islators threaten to start ignoring him whenever he spoke – which, to me, sounds like a rather bril-liant idea). Last week, Doug Bruce announced that he’s run-ning for an at-large posi-tion on City Council. Now, I know the elec-tion’s not until April, but that means we only have two short months to re-mind our fellow Colorado Springs denizens how Bruce has already man-aged to hurt us. I don’t really think we should give him another chance. S

NOW HIRINGInterested in photography or business administration? The Scribe is seeking photojournalists and an Assistant Advertising Manager. Inquire at [email protected].

student lifeFebruary 1 to February 7, 2011

the failboat

all aboard

FTW

Let her spirit live on

On Jan. 26, a woman set her house on fire in Ekaterinburg, Russia. The elderly woman, who had been dealing with the grief of a lost loved one, had once again attempted to reanimate her long-dead sister. The alleged arsonist’s sister died last year at age 73 of natural causes; however, instead of conducting a proper burial service, the sister used gasoline to preserve her sister’s body. She did this in hopes of later bringing her back to life. Tuesday was the woman’s last attempt and her effort to “jump start” the corpse by connecting wires to the hands and neck was only successful in burning her house down. Her mental state is in obvious question.

Deadlines to Remember

Feb. 2 is the deadline to apply for spring and summer health insurance through the Student

Health Center. Visit eciservices.com to register online.

Feb. 2 is also the deadline for payment of spring tuition.

I’m feeling optimistic

Music is directly tied to our emotions. Songs can link us to particular moments in time and change our current emotional state. The beauty of music is in its versatility. Online music sites, like Pandora, have attempted to capitalize on this notion. One site, Stereo Mood, takes this idea a step further. Instead of typing an artist’s name, the site lets you pick a mood. Not only are different emotions available, but activities like, “asleep on my feet” or “spring cleaning” are feasible options. From there, the site creates your individualized playlist. While there are other sites of its kind, Stereo Mood is both the most aesthetically pleasing and user friendly.

Fill out the sudoku puzzle below so that each row and col-umn contain the numbers 1 through 9 with none repeat-ed. Return it to the Scribe office when finished, along with the adjacent crossword; if you’re the first one done (and they’re done right), you’ll be awarded with a Scribe T-shirt.

“We need to make books cool again. If you go home with someone and they don’t have books, don’t fuck them.”

--John Waters

1 5 8 3

7 9 1 5

9 1 2

6 3

7 3 8 9 5

1 9

1 2 3

9 8 3 5

2 1 8 7

Puzzle 1 (Very hard, difficulty rating 0.75)

Generated by http://www.opensky.ca/~jdhildeb/software/sudokugen/ on Mon Jan 31 02:15:58 2011 GMT. Enjoy!

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

11

12

ACROSS 2 The main event and what most women

are looking forward to. 6 Will scream, yell profanities and act

idiotic. 8 It wouldn't be a Super Bowl without it,

so expect a broken nose. 10 As painful to the rear end as bad Indian

food. 12 Won the Super Bowl in 2009.

DOWN 1 Number of times the Packers have won

the Super Bowl. 3 Glee makes patriotic transition with

expected performer. 4 The best part about watching the game

from home. 5 1967 was the first time they won the

Super Bowl. 7

If it weren't for Big Ben, this would be a fairly lucky number of Super Bowl wins.

9 Super Bowl makes this state a little more desirable.

11 Enhances enjoyment of game and those around you.

news February 1 to February 7, 2011

Stereotypes a lasting dilemma

The news in brief

CU system pushes for unity

Decemberists to serenade UCCS this April

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On Feb. 2 at 6 p.m., the UCCS Matrix Center and Green-berg Center for Learning and Tolerance are combining to present UCCS students a dynamic hip-hop theater solo show. The show, which was written by nationally acclaimed Ariel Luckey and directed by Margo Hall, “follows a young white man’s search for his roots as it takes him from the streets of Oakland to the prairies of Wyoming on an unforgettable journey into the heart of American history.” Free land hopes to weave spoken word, poetry, acting and dance music into a compel-ling performance that not only challenges who we are but who we think we are. The show will take place in Berger Hall, is free of charge and will include a dessert reception. -JL

Free Land dances in the crossroads

Last semester, the Office of Student Activities pre-sented the student body with the opportunity to vote to choose what musicians would perform at UCCS’ spring concert, and the results are in: The Decemberists were chosen from a host of well-known bands, and will be in the Gallogly Events Center on April 16 at 7 p.m. Tick-ets go on sale March 1; students can get them for $15, while regular admission will be $20. The December-ists, a band comprised of songwriter and vocalist Colin Meloy and instrumentalists Chris Funk, Jenny Conlee, John Moen and Nate Query, have released 19 CDs, the latest of which, “The King is Dead,” came out last month. Their music ranges from English folk to country rock and back again. -AM

Over the next several months, maybe even years, UCCS will undergo a shift in branding efforts, explained Chancellor Pam Shockley-Zalabak, in a recent memo to the campus community. These changes, as dictated by President Benson, “will be a process, not an event.” His goal, he explained, “is to present CU in coordinated, consistent ways to convey how our collective strength advances the economy culture and health of Colorado and the nation.” The need to unify, he furthered, stems from the multitude of different, competing messages present in the CU system. As reiterated by the chan-cellor, it is important to focus on consistent branding efforts as the campus prepares to enter a capital fund-raising campaign. A forum will be held on Feb. 16 at 11 a.m. in theCentennial Hall auditorium to discuss meth-ods of change. -JL

In hopes of decreasing student reliance on stereotypes and increasing inclusiveness, this year’s CU Diversity Summit keynote speaker will be Claude M. Steele. He is the provost at Columbia University and an author dealing specifically with the power of stereotypes. The Diversity Summit will last from 9:30 a.m. to 3 p.m. in Berger Hall. While the event is designed for faculty and staff, Steele’s methods, if implemented, will positively affect the students at UCCS. Steele believes that stereotypes can be counteracted and overcome in the academic environment and that only by ending stereotypes based on social identity can performance in the classroom improve. With Steele’s background in social psychology, he is an anticipated speaker. -JL

Cisco Systems announced that UCCS is the first uni-versity to successfully enact their new learning program. The program will use the latest Cisco Video Teleconferencing tech-nologies to connect the university with Otero Junior College and La-mar Community College. UCCS recently completed its first pilot program, of-

fering classes on robotics and EKG reading to stu-dents at the other univer-sities. The device that allows for this to be possible, located in the El Pomar Center, is similar to a large LCD TV. It makes possible real-time face-to-face communications between instructors at the university, and students miles away. This means questions and comments will be addressed imme-diately, rather than with the delay of a traditional

correspondence or online course. Cisco stated the ad-vantages of their new program in a recent press release. “Remote education facilitated by Cisco col-laborative technologies provides UCCS, Otero Junior College and Lamar Community College stu-dents in the nursing and engineering programs with an education expe-rience nearly identical to that of an in-person classroom session, al-

lowing them to complete coursework essential to achieving degrees and continued education re-gardless of distance or location. Additionally, by bridging a gap between facilities that spans more than one hundred miles, student commute times are reduced or eliminated, promoting environmental sustainability.” Cisco and the Universi-ty hope that the success of this new technology will spread to other universi-ties across the country.

Cisco Systems offers remote education opportunities at UCCSJoseph [email protected]

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Photo by Joseph RuffiniUCCS professors have an opportunity to connect with students from miles away using the new Cisco technology.

Visit the Scribe online at uccsscribe.com.

It’s epic. We promise.

The University’s outdoor program, Student Outdoor Leadership Expe-ditions (S.O.L.E.), was created by Daniel Bowan, a person wanting nothing more than to share the out-doors with local college students. As their mission statement reads, “Programs will emphasize skill acquisition, leadership develop-ment, team building, environmen-tal awareness, safety and fun.” With activities such as skiing, snowshoeing, whitewater raft-ing, ice climbing, fly fishing, rock climbing and their annual hut trip, students will always be satisfied. These trips are also very afford-able – even for the poor unfortu-nate college students – and the

prices are all below $100. Not only do they plan trekking excursions, but they also have free tuning workshops. Rather than make an appointment at an expen-sive bike shop, SOLE provides students with basic knowledge and maintenance assistance. Equipped with professionals, students can expect reliability and effective help when needed. Although, for activities such as kayaking and rock climbing, you may have to visit the Recreation Center for information about re-quired preps before your trip, but they require nothing too strenu-ous. If you’re worried these trips are too intense for your beginner level, never fear, because they accommodate all levels of experi-ence to ensure everyone is enjoy-ing themselves. For those without

proper gear, these items can be rented at day, weekend or weekly rates. According to the website, the Outdoor Center is open from 2 to 6 p.m., Monday through Friday. Students can rent essentials from backpacks, sleeping bags and tents (2- and 4-person), to things such as stoves and backcountry pack-ages. Depending on available space, students can usually invite a guest. This group offers students an op-portunity to not just go to school in Colorado, but to experience the elements of Colorado that make living here so desirable. So go snowshoeing sober, have a Carpe Diem moment in the thick brush of a national forest and scream yourself silly white water rafting.

SOLE Club gears up for new yearAmanda [email protected]

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newsFebruary 1 to February 7, 2011

It’s your last semester of college; you’ve already spent years of studying in-stead of sleeping, and partying instead of studying. You’re more than ready to be done. But before you can stroll out of here with your diploma in hand, you need to put your severe case of senioritis to the side. Resisting another Tuesday night binge and staying organized and on top of the essential items is key to decreasing stress, increasing reassurance and re-ducing brain cell loss. A checklist can do wonders for the average student who struggles to look more than a day down the road.

Credits: They are important. Frequently check the My UCCS 1. Portal and your DARSweb Degree Audit Request to ensure a May graduation.

Writing Competency Portfolio: This is supposed to be done 2. within 30 hours of completing one’s degree. (Although this is rarely the case.)

Senior Audit: If you haven’t already, make an appointment. 3. Don’t be the senior who doesn’t get to graduate because you forgot to take a freshman-level course. That’s just embarrass-ing and you’ll probably lose friends.

Senior Comprehensive Exam: Don’t sweat, it’s not hard and 4. there’s no studying involved. An exit exam is required of all graduating students and should be taken in March or April. Reminder emails will be sent out in advance.

Graduation cap and gown: Only purchase if you’re certain 5. you will actually graduate. Wearing it around the house rath-er than at the official ceremony doesn’t count and won’t get you a real diploma.

If making your way to the collegiate finish line and graduating seemed like a turbulent wave, the next chapter will feel like a full blown hurricane. Fine tuning and honing in on what we have learned throughout our four (or more) years at UCCS is never an easy task. There are several ways to ensure a suc-cessful departure from the college life and consequential success in the work-ing world. Start applying for jobs that interest you now. Don’t wait until you’ve got-ten a sore from sitting for two straight months on your parents’ sofa. Focus on important factors such as location, pay scale, hours and potential for advance-ment when searching. The Career Center, located in Main Hall, has a won-derful staff that is eager and able to help find an internship or job that works perfectly with your degree.

Ryan [email protected]

Jessica [email protected]

Graduation Checklist

The Scribe isHIRING!

Are you interested in photography or business administration? The Scribe is seeking photojournal-

ists and an Assistant Advertising Manager.

The Scribe provides a learning workplace where students can obtain skills that transfer readily and

well into the working world.

If you’re interested, please send a cover letter and resume to [email protected].

If your New Year’s resolution involved finding a job, the first place to look is UCCS’ SEAN’s Place. SEAN’s Place, also known as the Student Employment Assistance Network, is a handy on-line resource designed to assist UCCS students who are seeking part-time or full-time employment. UCCS students currently enrolled in classes can access SEAN’s Place by visiting its website, seans.uccs.edu, and logging in with his/her student username and password. “As long as a student is enrolled in the current term, the student should be able to access available jobs. There is always a good volume of on-campus and off-campus jobs,” assured Shannon Cable from the Student Employment Office. “If students keep checking back, they should find something that interests them.” UCCS has signed a contract with more than seventy off-campus agencies that offer students jobs. Some of these agencies include YMCA, the Urban League, and even some governmental organizations such as El Paso County and the City of Colorado Springs. SEAN’s Place lists both work study and non-work study jobs. Work study is a part-time employment program that offers about 12 to 20 hours per week of work to eligible UCCS students. There are two types of work study jobs: need-based and non-need based. Students must apply annually for need-based work study by filling out a FAFSA, or Free Application for Federal Student Aid, which can be found at http://www.fafsa.ed.gov. A student must have finan-cial need in order to qualify for need-based work study jobs and may only have one work study job per semester. If students do not qualify for need-based work study, they may fill out non-need work study applications, which were available at the Student Employ-ment Office one week before fall classes started. Non-need work study applica-

tions are accepted for a period of two weeks, and then a random computerized drawing is done to determine the recipi-ents of non-need work study awards. The awards are only given out once a year. A student without work study can still find a job through SEAN’s Place, though. Students who do not qualify for either type of work study can apply for non-work study jobs. To qualify for non-work study, a student must be an undergraduate and resident of Colorado. UCCS estimates about 700 students work part-time, non-work study posi-tions on campus, and over 1,000 local employers have used the Student Em-ployment Office to help fill off-campus positions. Local employers post both part-time and full-time positions, and past job listings have called for every-thing from childcare to general labor. Fall, spring and summer jobs are typi-cally posted on SEAN’s Place a month before the semester. Though many jobs for the Spring 2011 semester were post-ed Dec. 1, 2010, students are encouraged to keep checking SEAN’s Place. “There is a misconception that SEAN’s Place has non-continuous postings,” said Ca-ble. She explained that new postings are added to SEAN’s Place almost daily and taken positions are regularly removed to keep the site as current as possible. Spring job listings will continue to be posted on SEAN’s Place throughout the semester, and summer job listings will likely be posted on May 1. If students want to be among the first to apply for positions, the Student Employment Of-fice advises frequent visits to SEAN’s Place. Students with questions about SEAN’s Place or student employment are encouraged to visit the Student Em-ployment Office, which is located in the Financial Aid Office at Cragmor 201. The Student Employment Office may also be reached at 255-3454, and further information about student employment is available on their website at uccs.edu/~stuemp.

SEAN’s Place provides students with easier job-huntingSara [email protected]

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Communication Professor Constance Staley took six years to perfect her text-book, “FOCUS on College Success,” and now that it’s finished and published in a second edition, Staley is pleased at the prospect of what it might be able to accomplish. “‘FOCUS’ is student-centered, about students and academic lives and things that can derail them and help them suc-ceed,” summarized Staley. Chapters in “FOCUS on College Success” revolve around character case studies based on students Staley has met. The characters from each case study have relatable problems; some lack motivation and others struggle to

find a healthy balance between course-work and excessive partying. “FOCUS on College Success” offers over four hundred pages of helpful techniques, exercises and advice for confronting these issues. “FOCUS on College Success” is de-signed to help college students achieve both academic and personal success. In the past, Staley’s primary audience did not include students, but rather faculty members. It was Staley’s publisher, Wadsworth Cengage Learning, who suggested she write books for students. Although “FOCUS on College Success” was in-tended to be a learning device for col-lege students, writing the book was also a personal learning process. “It taught

me so much about students,” said Sta-ley. In the second edition of “FOCUS on College Success,” Staley updated several chapters with recent research findings, creative formatting and new material. One chapter is now dedicated to proper academic writing and speaking skills. Staley continues to update “FOCUS on College Success” because she wants college students to thrive both in and out of the classroom. When Staley consid-ers the college students who share simi-lar difficulties with the characters in her textbook, Staley says there’s “nothing quite like it.” When those students overcome their

challenges and succeed, Staley expained, she feels like she, too, has succeeded. Although writing “FOCUS on College Success” took her years to complete be-cause of the extensive research needed, Staley loved writing the textbook. She also looks forward to publishing more editions in the future. For now, Staley hopes the second edi-tion of “FOCUS on College Success” will be a valuable guide to college fresh-men in particular. The textbook was used this past fall in her freshman seminar, “Metaminds.” “I really, really love freshmen,” con-fessed Staley. “That’s what it all boils down to,” she furthered.

Celebrities have become a corner-stone of American society. At some point, many of us have probably flipped through a tabloid or watched a reality television show and said to ourselves, “Why are these people celebrities?” Dr. Chris Bell, communication profes-sor and director of the Oral Communi-cation Center, shared many of the same questions. “Almost 29 million people watched each ‘American Idol’ episode last season,” claimed Bell. “Don’t you think somebody ought to ask the ques-tion, ‘Why?’” To discover how certain shows or people become popular, Bell explored the subject of celebritology. “Celebritol-ogy is a very small corner of the Media Studies universe that deals with popular culture,” defined Bell. In essence, celeb-ritology seeks to understand how certain aspects of culture become popular. “Why this product and not this one?” asked Bell. “Why this TV show and not this one? Why is this person a superstar and this person not? What are the societal mechanisms by which we decide what becomes culturally iconic?” His findings on celebritology can be found in his book, “American Idolatry: Celebrity, Commodity and Reality Tele-vision,” which was published in Feb-ruary of last year. Bell is currently not using the book to teach any classes, al-though he admitted he is not completely opposed to the idea. “Maybe some day,” he contemplated, “but not right now.” By using the first seven seasons of the popular reality television show, “Ameri-can Idol,” Bell demonstrates in “Ameri-

can Idolatry” how a celebrity is created in today’s society. “American Idolatry” also examines a timeline, which illus-trates how people once became celebri-ties for heroic acts, and it discusses how celebrity status works in society now. Bell believes many of today’s celebrities are simply “famous for being famous,” whereas past celebrities tended to ac-complish something for fame. Fame and celebrity are not inter-changeable, however. “There is a huge difference between celebrity and fame,” said Bell. Celebrity has to do with the

promotion of oneself, whereas fame is achieved by accomplishment, he continued. “You get fame. You create celebrity. There’s a difference.” He re-ferred to NFL quarterback Peyton Man-ning as someone who is both famous and a celebrity. “His fame comes from Super Bowl rings and NFL record,” ex-plained Bell. “His celebrity comes from hosting ‘Saturday Night Live’ and being in Oreo commercials.” While famous celebrities like Manning exist, many of today’s celebrities are not necessarily famous under Bell’s definition. Celebrities have fascinated people for years. Bell asserted that histori-cal figures such as George Washington and Julius Caesar functioned as forms of celebri-ties in the past, and he believes celebrities con-tinue to fascinate con t empora ry America because the overwhelm-ing idea in Amer-ican culture is to grow up and “be somebody.” While mak-ing something of oneself is not necessarily a bad goal, Bell recog-nized a lack of logic surrounding celebrity culture. “We are each

filled with this kind of ridiculous myth that ‘anyone’ can be rich or powerful or successful if he or she just works ‘hard enough.’” Bell also claimed there are “multiple systems in place” that work to ensure a different result. Despite this reality, Bell said celebri-ties continue to “keep alive the myth” that anyone can become a superstar. “Because they keep alive the myth that any one of us can ‘make it,’ celebrities are important touchstones in the very fabric of Western society,” Bell con-cluded.

news February 1 to February 7, 2011

Celebrity education

Photos courtesy of uccs.edu and Constance Staley

Left: Dr. Chris Bell’s new book, ‘American Idoltry,’ examines the idea of celebrity, and how normal people become sensations.Above: Dr. Constance Staley discusses how to excel as a college student in her recent text, ‘FOCUS.’

Two UCCS professors show students that their job doesn’t end in the classroom

by Sara Horton [email protected]

VISIT UCCSSCRIBE.COMFOR THE AWESOME THAT IS THE SCRIBE ONLINE

One of the great difficulties of starting a new semester is purchasing all the required texts without exhaust-ing an already dwindling bank account; students that survive on Ramen and Red Bull are often reluctant or even downright resentful of having to spend an aver-age of $900 every year on textbooks alone. The retail prices presented by the UCCS Bookstore, therefore, are often perceived as exorbitant, and many students skip the campus prices altogether by purchasing new or used books online, or from other students who no longer re-quire them. Sharon Coddington, the textbook sales manager at the UCCS Bookstore, has fielded a great deal of stu-dent complaints regarding on-campus pricing. A lot of them, she explained, stem from a misunderstanding of the bookstore’s profit margins. The bookstore is an auxiliary service provided to the student body, and because of this, no university funds are provided for its operation. Even though textbook prices seem high, Coddington explained that the book-store’s profits still usually fall short of their operating costs, and any shortages are covered by the bookstore’s own reserves – last year, the bookstore’s gross revenue for fiscal year 2010 was $4,124,317; out of this, their net profit was only $1,184. In order to maintain an operational budget, profit margins on the various products in the bookstore are adjusted to help the store stay afloat. Textbooks have an average margin of 22 percent; in other words, if the bookstore bought a textbook from their supplier for $100, students will be charged $122 for the book. Software items have an average margin of eight per-cent, and clothing items have the highest margin at 50 percent. These profits are used to pay for all the book-

store’s operating costs, like rent, electricity, payroll, shipping textbooks from the publishers and a variety of other essential services. Professor involvement is largely responsible for text-book prices. The bookstore requires each professor’s required book list months in advance; this gives the bookstore adequate time to scour the used book markets for the lowest-priced books. However, if a professor waits until the last minute to provide the bookstore with their titles, finding cheap books becomes increasingly difficult. On top of the required book list, course material packets are an added cost for students. These docu-ments are sent directly from the professor to the UCCS Print Shop. They are then sold to the UCCS Bookstore at a 20 percent margin. Professors are allowed, howev-er, to add an additional markup which they collect from the bookstore as a profit. A few professors have been known to add their own markup, but the large majority of Course Materials are sold without one. Fortunately for students and their money, the increased reliance on online systems like eCompanion and Blackboard means that fewer packets are being sold. The nuances of the publishing industry are another factor in the textbook-pricing game. Many small pub-lishing companies have stopped the presses in recent years, providing larger corporations a monopoly on textbook publishing; these publishers, in turn, tend to mark up textbook costs by 30 or 40 percent in order to turn a profit. In lieu of purchasing books al-together, students can utilize open-sourced digital versions, such as MIT’s OpenCourseWare at ocw.mit.edu. These materials are pub-lished free of charge and available to anyone with an Internet connec-tion. Digital textbooks are also be-

coming increasingly popular as traditional textbook prices con-tinue to rise. More and more publishers are providing their materials in e-book form, which can be downloaded to a student’s computer or e-book reader. These versions tend to be much cheaper – not to mention easier to carry around campus. Several textbooks are available in e-book form from the UCCS Bookstore. The overwhelming method for textbook-purchase, though, is the Internet. The online marketplace for textbooks has boomed in recent years; online retailers

are able to charge considerably less due to their much lower operating costs than they would normally have in a physical store. “I buy a mix of textbooks from the campus book-store and online,” said Jessica Briscoe, a senior English major. “Sometimes you can get a better deal online, but

sometimes it ends up being the same price or even less expensive in the bookstore because some websites add an additional shipping charge,” she added. Many professors are be-coming increasingly cogni-zant of the costs of textbooks, and are adjusting classes in order to help students better afford their educations. Pro-fessor Rex Welshon, dean of LAS, is in the process of writ-ing a textbook on logic, and until it’s published, allows his classes to access parts of the text online. Some other pro-fessors encourage students to purchase less expensive previous editions of a text, and make allowances for the variations between printings by Xeroxing or scanning the differing sections.

newsFebruary 1 to February 7, 2011

Cost of Goods Sold ($2,855,566)

Freight ($97,847)

<pera?ng Expenses ($89,386)

Rent ($80,684)

Credit Card Fees ($63,329)

Student Aid ($10,000)

General Administra?Je ReKharge ($90,146)

Auxillary Centralized Support ($69,251)

Salaries and Benefits for Staff and Student

Employees ($766,924)

College students spend an average of $988 every year on textbooks alone, according to the College Board on MSN Money. For stu-dents, this translates into a surplus of missed

experiences and pricy items you couldn’t afford or might not have realized you needed. Sadly,

instead of spending nearly $1,000 on books, you could have purchased:

A plane ticket to nearly anywhere in Europe.

A trip to Las Vegas to shoot your own version of “The Hangover.”

A season pass. And you’ll probably have enough left over to buy a lunch rather than eat ketchup

and pickles from the salad bar, too.

A Samsung Plasma TV.

Your first trip to the dentist in three years. Cavi-ties are expensive.

A couple of epic tattoos. Or one super epic tattoo that covers your entire back and part of

your butt.

New tires for the car that really doesn’t belong in Colorado anyway.

A full STD screening because that really doesn’t look like a bug bite.

Groceries from Whole Foods. Because Ramen and Red Bull get old fast.

A lifetime supply of Costco alcohol. To combat the healthiness of Whole Foods.

Photos by Brett Owens

Above and right: Students wait in line at the UCCS Bookstore to buy this semester’s textbooks, some of which may cost as much as $120.

CO$TLY ENTERPRI$EThe rising costs of textbooks send many students on a

quest for cheaper alternativesMatt [email protected]

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The Green Bay Packers and the Pittsburgh Steelers are two tough, hard-working teams from two tough, hard-working cities. In fact, meat-cutters and steel-makers are the only two mascots in the league that portray the American indus-trial labor force. So it is no wonder that both cities’ most representa-tive foods would be working-class fare. Green Bay loves bratwurst – a raw, linked sausage made from pork and milk that is slow-cooked in beer and onions and served in a bun with mustard, onions and sau-erkraut. Pittsburgh is a pierogies town – small, boiled dumplings that are usually filled with potatoes and some combination of sauer-kraut, cheese, ground meats or hot peppers. They are served sautéed with buttered onions. The most representative foods of each city may be simple, but the teams themselves and the regional cuisines are both quite complex. Pittsburgh is extreme. They have the cool and mellow hit man Troy Polamalu at safety, and the lamest, crybaby sexual assault special-ist Ben Roethlisberger at quarter-back. Steel City food is also extreme. Bologna is called “jumbo,” a Pittsburgh-style steak is burnt on the outside and raw in the middle, city chicken isn’t made of chicken, and their most famous restaurant, Primanti Bros., serves every pos-sible lunchmeat from knockwurst

to imported sardines with cheese, French fries, coleslaw and toma-toes – all on the inside of the bun. Pittsburgh is the birthplace of the Big Mac, which is about as good for your bum as a trip to the bathroom with Ben Roethlisberger; and their most popular drink is an “Imp an Ahrn,” or a shot of Impe-rial Whiskey literally dropped into a glass of Iron City Beer. How ex-treme. Green Bay represents Wisconsin as a whole, and the cheese state is, well, woodsy. The unofficial Packer color is hunter orange. Their team is a long-haired, unshaven bunch led by quarterback Aaron Rodgers’ arm, and backed by perhaps the best defense in the league. Wisconsin food is rural, but so-phisticated. Expect to see a cheese selection, wider than most French markets, in the local bait-shop sold alongside freshly picked Morel mushrooms (sometimes $30/lb).

Fish is always fried on Friday and burgers come slathered in butter. Wisconsin is home to beers includ-ing: PBR, Old Milwaukee, Huber, Leinenkugel’s, Point, Lacrosse, Lost Lake, Capital City and too many others to mention. Regardless of whom you might be rooting for, the attached reci-pes for bratwurst and pierogies are cheap, incredibly simple, crowd-pleasing and paper plate-friendly – perfect for a college Super Bowl party. Choose quality bratwurst when they are on sale, and try the milk-dipping, grill-finishing trick in the included recipe for an au-thentic, crispy exterior. Look for pierogies in the fro-zen specialty section in the super market. Try sautéing all the butter and onions from both recipes at the same time, then separate out the onions for the bratwurst. Pair everything with PBR and Rolling Rock and enjoy the game.

culture February 1 to February 7, 2011

Top 10 things to do instead of watch the Super

BowlIf you, like me, are bored out of your skull at the mere mention of football and have eyes that glaze over like those of a dead fish at the pros-pect of another four hellish hours of Super Bowl, then this list of things to do instead of watching the game may help you loathe this coming Sun-day just a little bit less.

10. Read a book or watch a movie – You know how you started “Crime and Punishment” and swore to yourself you’d finish it someday, just to see what the hullabaloo was? Well, here’s your chance. Or, hell, just go watch “Hot Tub Time Machine” for the fourteenth time.

9. Take a nap – Sleep is always a viable, worth-while pastime. I’ve never heard a college student say, “My one regret is that I slept too much.”

8. Reconnect with an old friend – This only works if they also would rather be hit across the face with a frying pan than watch the Super Bowl, of course. Meet up at one of the city’s deserted coffee shops, or chat on the phone – or, if you haven’t any friends that loathe hulky men in tights chasing a small casement made of pig, write a letter.

7. File your taxes – No one likes doing their taxes, no matter when it happens. Why not seize the chance to be alone and crank them out ahead of schedule? Throw on some tunes, grab some wings and try to ignore the shouting coming from the next room.

6. Learn a new skill – Tired of being boring at parties? With four hours, plenty of bandages and a little willingness to nut up, you can learn to ride a unicycle. Or a pogo stick. Or paint like Jackson Pollock. Or, if you want to be super in-teresting, to the point of missing a few fingers, juggle chainsaws.

5. Study – You’re already 300 pages behind. You should probably get on that.

4. Be civilly attentive – For those four hours, you can cuddle an abandoned puppy or help package relief supplies for children in Ethio-pia. That way, next time you see one of those heart-wrenching commercials set to a Sarah McLachlan song, you can feel like a slightly less awful person.

3. Throw an anti-Super Bowl party – Barricade yourself in a cozy room with delicious snacks and cheesy movies, order a pizza and let the awesome that is not football wash over you.

2. Remember those resolutions you made last month and already forgot about? Hit the gym, fatty. Remember your headphones, though, be-cause the game will probably be on the TVs above the treadmills.

1. Seek a soul mate – Anyone you meet out and about on Super Bowl day is a potential love of your life. Go shopping, hit the zoo, or just wan-der about aimlessly downtown, seeking that one true love who, like you, hates football.

-Avalon Manly

Green Bay Bratwurst

1 package (18 oz., or 6 or 7 individual) bratwurst3 12oz. cans cheap beer1 onion (roughly sliced)2 tbs butter1 cup milk in a medium bowl

Bring the bratwurst, beer and ½ of the onion to a boil in a large pot, reduce heat to low, cover, and sim-mer 35 to 45 minutes. Meanwhile, sauté the other ½ onion in the butter. To finish the brats, preheat a gas grill to medium-high, then remove the brats from the beer one at a time, dipping each into the bowl of milk and placing on the grill. Rotate each brat ½ turn on each side, dipping into the milk each time. Serve with buns, the sautéed onions, mustard and sauerkraut.

Image courtesy of perrylakes.com

Pittsburgh Pierogies

1 16oz. box frozen Pierogies3 tbs Butter½ onion, roughly slicedSalt and pepper1 cup sour cream

Follow the directions on the box of pierogies, which involves boiling 2 qts water and cooking the piero-gies for about 5 to 8 minutes, then drain. Meanwhile, melt the butter over medium heat, add the onions and cook 6 to 8 minutes. Increase the heat under the onions to medium-high, add the drained pierogies, season with salt and pepper and sauté until golden brown. Serve topped with sour cream.

Image courtesy of ornamentdesigns.com

Super Bowl XLV: Bratwurst v. Pierogies?Brock [email protected]

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The passing of The Rocket Room means that Colorado Springs is again down to only a few music venues. But don’t let the pre-spring blues get you down, be-cause our little-big town will host a few worthwhile shows in February – and remember, there’s always Denver.

40oz to Freedom (Sub-lime cover band)Tuesday, Feb. 1 Black Sheep 2106 E. Platte, Colorado Springs$10, 8 p.m., all agesWednesday, Feb. 2 - Fly Me to the Moon Saloon, TellurideThursday, Feb. 3 - Bluebird Theatre, DenverFriday, Feb. 4 - Ghost Ranch Saloon, Steamboat SpringsSaturday, Feb. 5 - Agave, AvonSunday, Feb. 6 - The Belly Up, Aspen

How could anyone not like a Sublime cover band? The Long Beach band’s enduring popularity is due, in part, to the wide spec-trum of genres and people, with punk and reggae on each end, which their mu-sic spans. Unfortunately, they are also remembered because guitarist and lead singer Bradley Nowell drugged himself to death, and dead rock stars sell re-cords. 40oz likes to make a Colorado ski town tour ev-ery winter. Ski and snow-board/Sublime road trip anyone?

George Clinton & Parlia-

ment Funkadelic (Funk)Friday, Feb. 4Fillmore Auditorium1510 Clarkson, Denver$25, 7:30 p.m., all ages

The best way I can de-scribe a P-Funk show is like a trip in a time machine. First, you get to experience an authentic funked-up shakedown straight outta the ’60s, complete with free love, loud costumes and sometimes artificially active imaginations, ya dig? But most importantly, Mr. Clinton is the conduc-tor of the original rock ‘n’ roll Cirque du Soleil. They played the club I managed in Madison once and we fed about 52 performers; they wouldn’t stop at bar time, and nobody, the cops included, asked them to stop.

Michael Reese (Acoustic Guitar)Friday, Feb. 11Kinfolks950 Manitou Ave., Down-town Manitou Springs$5, 8 to11:30 p.m., all ages

Kinfolks is a strange outdoor gear, bicycle, cof-fee, craft beer and live mu-sic shop combination that fits perfectly in Manitou Springs. They host quite a lot of music with open mic. night on Thursdays and live shows on Fridays and Sat-urdays from 8 to 10 p.m. $5 is a small price to pay to see one of the best pure guitar players with national expe-rience right here in Colo-rado Springs.

The Toasters (Ska)Saturday, Feb. 12Black Sheep$12, 7:30 p.m., all ages

Hailing from New York City in 1981, The Toast-ers are one of the original American ska acts. If you are unfamiliar with ska, try to imagine upbeat reggae with a small brass section in 1950s style suits, jam-ming out in choreographed punk rock unison. You will skank (dance) like crazy. The Knightbeats!, an ex-perimental reggae band from Colorado Springs open up the show.

Symphonie Fantastique (Classical)Performed by the Colorado Springs PhilharmonicSaturday, Feb. 19The Pikes Peak Center, 190 S. Cascade Ave.$10 with student discount (see below), 8 p.m.

Classical music is not for everyone, but Hector Berlioz’s 1830 symphony about a scorned lover who gets too high on opium is a swirling classic that can be appreciated by anyone, especially college students. Student discounts are avail-able only in person at the Pikes Peak Center Box Of-fice.

Karl Denson’s Tiny Uni-verse and Public Enemy (Groovy Experimental Jazz and Oldest School Hip-Hop)Saturday, Feb. 19Ogden Theatre, 935 E. Col-fax, Denver $ 25, 8 p.m., ages 16+

I only recently found out about Karl Denson’s crazy music, but he has been trip-ping out listeners with his mini-electric chamber or-chestra for over a decade now. Public Enemy started rapping about politics and

social frustration in Long Island in 1982 and haven’t missed a beat since. I saw Public Enemy with An-thrax and Primus at the Ar-nold Hall Theatre on the Air Force Academy in 1991; it was an eye-opening experi-ence to watch Chuck D and Flavor Flav talking trash about the government in a military installation while

surrounded by their own private militia.

Sanguine AddictionSaturday, Feb. 26Black Sheep$7, $5 in advance, 7:30 p.m., all ages

Colorado Springs has a long history of hard rock bands, and Sanguine Ad-

diction is a polished and professional version of that lineage. Expect to hear them on KILO, if they aren’t there already. Their music consists of a pulsating wall of well-synchronized gui-tars, driving bass and thun-derous drums with melodic vocals, as well as System of a Down-like screams and sudden breaks.

cultureFebruary 1 to February 7, 2011

Hawaiian Sunburst: Eggs, Chicken, Pineapple, Yellow Onion, Fresh Tomatoes, Orange Bell Pepper, Montery and Cheddar Cheese, Bernaise Sauce

Lava Flow: Egg, Green Chilies, Onion, Black Olives, Green Pepper, Chorizo, Jalapeno Jack Cheese, Mild Salsa

Also featuring omeltes, hasbrowns, biscuits, pancakes, sandwiches, fruit cups, and more.

UCCS Students and Faculty: Enjoy $3 off any large, $2 off any medium, and $1 off any small pizza plus free delivery in campus!Free soda with any purchase (w/ Student id, Take out

Paradise Pizza719-264-1600.

3609-15 Austin Bluffs Parkway, Austin Bluffs Shopping Center.

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“Paradise Pizza is the place to head if you want a pizza made without a

wheat based crust” -The Gazette

Paradise Pizza is your speciality breakfast pizza! We feature ingredi-ents such as eggs, bacon, hamburger, chicken, ham, cheese, salsa and so much more all placed upon a golden

hash brown crust!

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LocalEscapes

II. February’s Music Scene

a series of

Brock [email protected]

Photo Courtesy of pisgahbrewing.com

culture February 1 to February 7, 2011

For every comedian that revels in clever wordplay or politically-conscious humor, there exists a co-median that smashes fruit with a sledgehammer or slips on a banana peel for laughs. Comedy, then, is a re-flection of wildly differ-ent tastes. Despite these varia-tions, there exist one commonality among all forms of comedy: The comedy club. Within the bounds of Colorado Springs and Denver, there exists a number of comedy clubs that provide this service to Coloradoans. The comedy venue, Loonees, is located at 1305 N. Academy Blvd. The club serves as a simple social gathering for stand-up comedy and features little more than a bar, tables and a stage to feature the comedian per-

Comedy lacks in Colorado Springs; Denver home to new humorforming that night. To maintain its stock presence as a combina-tion comedy club and bar, there is a two-drink minimum for attendees. The acts are also ardently adult in nature. Though it rarely features any ma-jor headliner comedians, Loonees remains an inter-esting diversion for those in Colorado Springs look-ing for a live stand-up performance. The Impulse Theater in Denver, located at 1634 18th St., showcases a completely different form of comedy. The place is known for an improvisa-tional comedy troupe last-ing 90 minutes. It consists of roughly a dozen dif-ferent scenes and is pre-sented with unique rules that the performers must follow to create each comedy scene. Audience participation is encour-aged because scenes are improvised from situa-tions or rules provided by audience members. This ensures that each per-

formance of the Impulse Theater remains unique and fully improvisation-al. With two locations at 1226 15th St. in Den-ver and 5345 Landmark Place in Greenwood Vil-lage, Comedy Works is the true king of com-edy venues in the Denver area. Comedy Works is much like Loonees and stands as a performer’s stage for stand-up come-dians in a relaxed social environment of tables and two-drink minimums. Established in 1981, this location has featured per-formances from many juggernauts of comedy such as Jerry Seinfeld, Lewis Black and Dave Chappelle. Comedy Works has embraced the stand-up comedian; because of this, it also exists as a venue for aspiring per-formers. This is exempli-fied in Comedy Central’s “Last Comic Standing” winner Josh Blue. To that end, Comedy

Works features a “New Talent Night” at its down-town location every Tues-day at 8 p.m. Performers range from professionals working on new material, established locals working on making a bigger name for themselves, as well as

first-time performers at-tempting to evoke a few laughs. New performers are allotted two minutes and those who perform well enough are then given a slot at Comedy Works’ Sunday showing. For those stu-

dents interested in trying to make an audience howl with laughter, Comedy Works maintains a new talent hotline at (303) 477-7844. Comedy Works may also be contacted at [email protected].

10 S. TEJON ST.719.227.SUBS

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jimmy john’s,you stole my heart,

now you and iwill never part!

“The Way Back” is, on the surface, an interesting interpretation of the nor-mally-dark Soviet gulag story. Instead of working as a condemnation of the gulag system as a whole or presenting the prison as a fate equally bleak as the Siberian tundra that surrounds it, “The Way Back” is a tale of a group of prisoners who embark on a 4000-mile odyssey across frozen tundra, blis-tering deserts and dank bogs. It is a fantastic tale

loosely based upon a true story. The group is diverse, ranging from a Russian gangster named Valka (Colin Farrell) to an un-fortunate Polish victim of Stalin and Hitler’s politi-cal machinations, Janusz (Jim Sturgess). Ed Harris rounds out the well-known actors in the cast as Mr. Smith, an American im-prisoned in this Soviet gu-lag. The film presents the horrendous conditions of the gulag without flinch-ing, showing scenes of deprivation and violence around every turn within the gulag’s fences.

Realizing that their chances of survival within the gulag are increasingly less likely, a handful of the prisoners decide to take their chances with an escape plan to reach Mongolia. Thus, they set out across one of the most inhospitable wastelands in the world in the hopes of being delivered from the brutal Soviet regime that has imprisoned them. However, the escape itself is the least of their wor-ries, as nature becomes more of a hindrance to ultimate escape than steel bars. Director Peter Weir,

whose last contribution to cinema was 2003’s “Mas-ter and Commander: The Far Side of the World,” is up to the task of crafting beautiful cinematography. He successfully created a wonderful sense of isola-tion and the struggle of the group against the hos-tile elements along their journey. This leads to an endless litany of suffering as the camera follows the starvation of the charac-ters and other terrible ef-fects of an insanely long trek across the wasteland. There is obvious ten-sion and suspense in this type of story. And who

will survive is a constant question as the movie pro-gresses. Weir also treats the deaths of any mem-ber of the group with a grounded realism of a slow expiration that is almost-silent rather than thunder-ous to the characters, as well as to the audience. However, a critical aspect to any survival story is the human drama and group psychology, and in that regard “The Way Back” is sorely lacking. Characters are only thinly sketched and hardly given an opportunity to give any sort of effec-tive performance. What

results from this lack of characterization is that the film seemed unbear-ably long. Perhaps, Weir wanted the audience’s re-action to parallel the tri-als and tribulations of the film’s characters. Even so, this only made the film terribly boring. A joke of this film being “two hours of walking” would be fairly accurate, as we’re not given any other rea-son to be engaged in the proceedings outside of being shown some starkly beautiful vistas of a harsh wilderness. A story about endless walking simply is not overly exciting.

Jeremy [email protected]

“The Way Back”: not worth going back for

Photo by Brock Kilgore“Loonee’s Comedy Club.” is the place to go if you want to laugh your ass off in Colo-rado Springs, no pun intended.

Jeremy [email protected]

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athleticsFebruary 1 to February 7, 2011

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AFTERSCHOOL UNIVERSITYAfter-school classes and math tutoring for elementary, middle and high school students

www.afterschooluniversity.com 719-659-5979 7689 N. Union Blvd (Gold’s Gym Plaza)

In front of a raucous Blackout inspired crowd of 1,133, the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs dropped a tough home game in the waning seconds against Western New Mexico at the Gal-logly Event Center on Jan. 28 Trailing 85-82 in the re-maining seconds, UCCS failed to get a 3-pointer off before the buzzer. In the end, shooting proved to be the real difference in the game as the West-ern New Mexico Mus-tangs shot a sweltering 15 of 27 from behind the arc. In comparison, UCCS managed to shoot well from long range at a 40.7 percent clip, but it was not enough as the Mountain Lions dropped to 6-13 (4-11 RMAC) on the season. “Their shooting per-centages were off the

charts, and the only people we can blame are ourselves for not trying to take that away,” said UCCS coach Russ Caton. “Tonight we put up 82 points, so we obviously did enough offensively; defensively, that’s the other side of it.” Leading the way for the Mountain Lions was Brent Jones who had a ca-reer night with 30 points to go along with a team-high eight rebounds. “My mentality coming into the game was to be aggressive right off the bat,” said Jones. Jones has been in dou-ble figures scoring the past four games, averag-ing 20 points per contest over the stretch. Coach Caton has taken note of Jones’ improved play as well and said, “He’s stepped up his game, we called him out a couple weeks ago, and he’s re-sponded the past few games very well.” Ben Feilmeier chipped

in 18 points that came on six 3-pointers while Damar Hill showed up big defensively with four steals. Andy Sohlich paced the visiting Mustangs with 23 points while teammate Jeron McIntosh added 16 points. Beyond the box score was the support the UCCS team received from a standing room only stu-dent section. This night was largely publicized around campus for weeks and didn’t disappoint off the court. “I think the event was a huge success. Events like this bring an identity to our young university,” said F.I.G.H.T. Club pres-ident Benjamin Jourdan. “This event is not about if we win or lose the bas-ketball games. This event is about student unity. No matter who you are or what you represent, if you are a Mountain Lion, Blackout Night welcomes you.”

Alex [email protected]

Blackout Night huge success; UCCS Men not as fortunate

A wave of darkness came over the Gallogly Events Center Jan. 28 as the women’s basketball team cruised to a 67-53 win over the traveling Mus-tangs of Western New Mexico University. With students packed in tightly, the Black-out Night crowd of 933 people provided a much needed boost to the lady Mountain Lions, which allowed the team to put an end to a four game skid by combining impressive teamwork and hustle. Blackout Night was a great success as both sides of the Gallogly Events Center were filled with black attire, face paint and signs. This spe-cial evening, which has quickly become an annu-al main event throughout UCCS athletics, began with a jam packed tail-gate party providing food and fun for students in at-tendance. Senior Carlos Verdugo mentioned, “Blackout

Night is my favorite night of the year. The food and games are great and the students really get amped for it all.” Amped does not even be-gin to describe the level of excitement and sup-port students displayed as the women took the court. With sponsored Monster Energy drinks flowing through their veins, those in attendance were loud and on their feet from the opening tip to the final buzzer. The level of effort UCCS played with showcased just how much they fed off the incredible energy in the arena and made all of the necessary hus-tle plays to secure their eighth victory of the sea-son; active defense led to steals; blocks resulted in a low overall shooting percentage from Western New Mexico. The poor field-goal per-centage by WNU in-creased rebounding op-portunities for UCCS. Freshman forward Sammi Gentile, went above and beyond the call of duty

by grabbing a career high 17 rebounds, to go along with 18 points. Gentile’s 17 game-high rebounds tied the UCCS record for third most rebounds re-corded in a single game. She credited the crowd for her performance, saying, “The energy of the fans and students helped me out a lot as well as work-ing on things in practice.” UCCS out-rebounded the Mustangs 53-33 for the game. Sophomore guard Lau-ren Wolfinger, the team’s leading scorer of the night with 20 points, talked about her squad’s impressive effort on the boards and on the defen-sive end. “We’re trying to make [defense] what we’re about,” she said, “We’re not always going to have good shooting nights so we’re focused on rebounding and team defense, since those are things we can control.”UCCS will be on the road for the next couple of weeks until returning home Feb. 18 to take on Chadron State.


‘Black and Yellow’ prevail on Blackout Night, Gentile ties record

Photo by Ariel LattimorePlayer #22 Jessica Brown tries to get the ball into the net.

Photo by Ariel Lattimore Robert Howe leaps for the jump ball in the game’s beginnign seconds.

Photo by Ariel LattimoreThe optimistic crowd went into shock when Western New Mexico pulled through with a couple last minutes buckets to cinch the victory.

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athletics February 1 to February 7, 2011

“Coaches who can out-line plays on a black-board are a dime a dozen. The ones who win get inside their player and motivate.” The infamous Vince Lombardi believed that only through intimate motivation could success be achieved. While Lombardi is correct, and motivation is indeed an integral aspect of coaching, there are others who have attained success through differ-ent means. For instance, Rex Ryan, Bill Belicheck and UCCS’ Corey Last-er, utilize three distinct coaching styles. In the end, however, the best coaches are those that have achieved the highest level of excellence. Rex Ryan, coach of the NFL’s New York Jets, chalks it up to confidence. “I never came here to kiss Bill Belichick’s rings. I came here to win, let’s put it that way. I’m cer-tainly not intimidated by New England or anybody else.” This was one of the many quotes used by Ryan to fire up his team this past season. And from his AFC Champi-onship appearance, it


Different methods; similar resultsseemed to work. Then there’s Bill Belichick. And unlike Ryan, he wears three Su-per Bowl rings. Belichick doesn’t talk trash and doesn’t boast his talent to the media; he simply lets his team per-form. In a big win over the Jets, Belichick explained, “You always try to know what you need, try to manage the game given the game situation, and I think that’s one of the things that Tom [Brady] does best.” Belichick doesn’t brag, but speaks in plain and simple facts about his players and the outcome of any given game. At the beginning of the season, Belichick was asked what he thought his playoff chances were. He explained, “I’m not really worried about the other 31 playoff teams. It’s as simple as that.” Well put coach, well put. The UCCS women’s basketball coach offered an alternate coaching phi-losophy and said, “What makes coaches successful is how they know their team. As a coach, you have to instruct according to what your personal-ity is and how you know

your players.” Laster said that he tries to do a lot of goal setting for the team and hold them accountable for the healthy goals they make throughout the season. “My job is to make all roles on the team impor-tant. From my experience in women’s college bas-ketball, fulfilling certain roles on the team is more important to the players than personal goals like getting the most points in one game.” When asked if his coach-ing style was more likes Ryan’s or Belichick’s, Laster responded, “Well, I am most certainly not a trash talker. I respect ev-eryone we play against, and I feel like my coach-ing style is more ‘demo-cratic’ than anything. I feel everyone has a role to play, and I motivate the players in practice. We have awards and compe-titions in practice a lot of the times to keep things competitive and to give them confidence.” Despite differences in coaching styles, all three coaches continually strive for success. And in the end, regardless of individualized methods, excellence is measured in wins and losses.

Photo by Ariel LattimorePlayer # 15 Alan Paul slams the ball into the net, adding another point to UCCS’s side of the scoreboard.

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complaining, it said, “You raise your stress level.” Now, this isn’t anything new; we’re all familiar with the benefits of be-ing positive. With that said, it’s something we all need reminded of from time to time. Some of us on a daily, even momentary basis. It made me think about the ways I handle frustrations in my own life. Typically, I vent in my articles. There are other times when I should practice saying a nice prayer instead of cussing under my breath about how an-noyed I am with someone’s t-shirt. Wishful thinking, I know. Still, there’s something to be said about the infamous soap-box. GET OFF. Wait, am I using The Scribe as a soapbox? Ah, hell, oh well. Anyway, I know I’ve said this before— and I know it was ill received by some—but for goodness sakes, if you feel your life is that difficult, write a book. Maybe someone will want to publish your sob story. It’s not likely, but I believe in miracles, too. And while you might think I’m being negative and com-plaining right now, I’m not. There’s a big difference; you see I’m an incredibly happy person. I just happen to gain happiness from your miserable life. And

if your life wasn’t so miser-able and easy to make fun of I wouldn’t have anything to write about. So really, I’m very grate-ful to you. Now, this isn’t to say that I don’t genuinely care about my friends and people in general, I just don’t care to hear you com-plain about a hard day at work. The thing about complaining is that no one ever stops to think or compare his or her hardships to anyone else’s. Your day wasn’t hard. Now, your grandmother, who had a child at 18 and raised it herself, had a few hard days. So next time you catch yourself mak-ing that little noise of distress or sighing loudly, picture giving birth in the mud, while it’s rain-ing, without any drugs to lessen the pain. Then imagine you’re also in a corral full of farm ani-mals. And they’re staring at you making you feel awkward. I bet your day doesn’t seem so bad now. Complaining is an incred-ibly selfish activity; and it’s also one of the reasons we all enjoy it so much. There’s something immensely gratifying about the act. At the same time, there is also something incredibly hurt-ful about it, too. The complaining website suggested snapping yourself

with a rubber band every time you had a negative thought so you would be more conscious of your thinking patterns. I think a more drastic ap-proach should be taken. Anyone heard complaining will receive 20 lashings. Or maybe an In-dian rug burn. Those really hurt

when I was seven and I bet they still do. The moral of this story, of course, is to take my advice. Oh, and that girl, her response to the website was to laugh and call the guy a knucklehead. Should she receive an Indian rug burn? I think so.

opinionFebruary 1 to February 7, 2011

Featuring Unmentionable’s Store and Lingerie Fashion Show

Valentine’s Ladies Night Romance

Remember the night with TIP’s Photography

Unmentionable’s will be presenting a lingerie fashion show, as well as an “adult store” with products available on-site. Bring a friend and join us for the night and be pampered.

When: Saturday February 5 from 6-10 p.m.Where: Crowne Plaza-Pikes Peak Room (2800 S Circle Dr. located conveniently off of I-25 & exit 138) o 18+ (please bring I.D.)o $5 admissiono All sales are cash only!!

Hosted by LCD

Unmentionable’s Store (no ordering from books)

Complimentary glass of wine and chocolate-covered strawberry

Multiple raffles valuing over $500 in gifts

Silent Auction valuing over $500 in certificates

Spa Booth

Taste Testing Booth

Cash Bar

Complain less; do more

The other day, a “friend” of mine posted a status about repeatedly being let down in life. Because I’m a wonderfully caring person I immediately told her to lower her standards and this would never happen again. I, of course, was kidding. She responded with, “Good motto to live by.” If I could have shaken her and slammed her laptop down on her fingers breaking a few, I would have. Luckily, right before I map quested her address another friend linked a website called, “How to stop complaining,” on her status. He had literally stuck it to her. And I was jealous I hadn’t thought of it first. The site talked about the in-credibly unhealthy nature of think-ing and speaking negatively. By

Jessica [email protected]

Comic by Arno

Ever had a class with some-one you knew for a fact shouldn’t be there? You’ve seen them, you know, that one student who comes to class blazed or hung over just to break out the laptop and start Facebooking it up. Hey, they might even go so far as to start sexting Sally in the middle of that anthro-pology lecture. Now you’re probably saying “What’s wrong with sexting Sally in anthropol-ogy?” Alright fine, I’ll level with you on that one, but only because I’ve never had anthropology class. And I’m not sure how I’d man-age to stay awake, either. So with this understand-able exception aside, the argument has been made by American economists and educators alike, that college has been made too accessible for people in our country. Is this true? Why should this concern you? Well, if you’re reading this you’re either bored in class or you’re genuinely interested in what I have to say. Charles Murray, a re-nowned social scientist and co-author of the “The

Bell Curve” said in an in-terview with USA Today, “The B.A., which has be-come a requirement to get a job interview, often has absolutely nothing to do with what the job requires. [But] the reality in today’s world is that having the B.A. makes the difference. We have to change the real-ity.” When asked about the reaction to these ideas, Mr. Murray furthered, “Profes-sors and teachers were say-ing, ‘Thank God someone is finally saying this.’” So what does this mean? Well for starters, I think students who lack the drive or will to succeed in college academia should seriously consider alternative routes. Many times these students are only attending because of pressure from parents and an overarching belief that success is only granted to college graduates. Though most of the peo-ple I know here at UCCS are excellent academic achievers, I have met a few who simply do not care and seem more fixated on drinking and smoking than anything else. I think I’m being fair when I say that these particular students are harming themselves more than anything else. I mean really, when these

same students go into a job interview someday, what will happen when they tell the employer they have a degree and the employer says “Great! So how was your GPA?” I’m willing to bet that at this point said student will realize they wasted $40-50 thousand on a degree that taught them very little. Col-lege is obviously not for ev-eryone. So do yourself a fa-vor, if you’re not invested, try something different. So what are the alterna-tives? Renowned economist Peter Schiff is just one of many advocates encourag-ing trade schools for those who find that college is not for them. According to Schiff, those earning trade certifications such as elec-tricians, plumbers and so forth can go on to average anywhere from $50-100 thousand a year. I dare say, not a bad chunk of change by most standards. With the onset of the new semester, challenge yourself to ask the difficult questions. “Is this really what I want? Do I really want to be sitting through boring lectures all day?” If the answer to these ques-tion is “no,” then it’s high time to reassess your life. Think about it.

College isn’t for everyoneStephen [email protected]

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Dear Sticky Situation,

So, uh…that’s a pretty serious question you’ve asked the Duo. And from the sound of it, you’re in quite the pickle. My advice, however, revolves around the answer to one simple query: were you happy? Obviously the affair complicates things, as well as the kids, the drug prob-lem, the divorce…okay, maybe it’s not the simplest question to answer. But take all of that away. Think back and ask yourself if you enjoyed your time. And if you did, then I think you’ve already answered your own question. Because here’s the thing: if the obstacles that existed in the past are no longer a factor, and you’re still interested and genuinely excited to see this woman again, then where’s the problem? You obviously care, because otherwise you wouldn’t be look-ing for advice. She obviously cares because she called you at an unholy hour. Or she was drunk. I’m not discriminating between the two. Maybe you can make sex a casual thing and avoid the hassles of a relationship. Or maybe you want to get involved and see where things take you. But, remember those complications we were talking about earlier? Yeah, make sure you’re not forgetting about those. If this woman still has a drug problem, you’re looking to add a little more stress to your life. Is sex worth that to you? Some would say absolutely, some would say not in the least. And her kids? Look, I’m thinking you don’t want to be the babysitter…at least I hope not. You don’t want to get roped into playing “baby-daddy” if you don’t have to. You mentioned, “starting the cycle all over again” but I don’t think that’s a healthy way to approach the situation. If she is divorced, then you’re playing a totally dif-ferent game this time around. Have an open mind, and be honest. Tell her what you want out of the situation and tell her what you’re willing to give. Or the next time she calls, you can tell her it’s a wrong number. As you said, life will go on.

-JD Osorio

DEAR

DU DEVI US

Have a question about relationships, love or...sex? Email your query to the Devious Duo at [email protected].

Dear Devious Duo,

When I was 20 years old, I made a mistake. And a few nights ago, this mis-take decided to call me at 2 o’clock in the morning, six and a half years later. The mistake I made was sleeping with a rich, attractive woman, who at the time, was nearly twice my age. On the surface, this sounds like a dream, but, did I mention she was married with a couple of kids and had a drug problem? I ended the affair. I figured she would fix her marriage, save her family and rid herself of the drugs. When she called, she told me she’s now divorced and wanted to meet up, or as I interpreted it, hook up and start the cycle all over again. My question is, what should I do?

opinion February 1 to February 7, 2011

Dear Ashamed Lover,

While your question is undoubtedly serious, I can’t help but want to thump you on the back in congratulations. Not because you banged a woman close to my mother’s age, or because she was married with kids, but because she still remembers you. You must have been an incredible lover. With that said, perhaps, the best way to handle this is to take it as a compli-ment. In this way, you are acknowledging it happened, but you are also letting yourself off the hook. You were 20; men that age typically struggle to think with the correct head. The beauty of your situation, then, is that you learned from it. Rather than con-tinue dating the cougar, or involving yourself in another similar situation, you ended things like a man. You did the admirable thing and while it will probably always haunt you in one way or another, it isn’t necessarily something you need to feel ashamed about. The problem, of course, is whether she will take a hint and move on with her life or continue pursuing you. If she calls again, please, do yourself a favor and ask her to stop calling and remind her that you are not the same person. You have grown and learned and she is not something you need in your life right now. Plus, I mean, she’s now six and a half years older. And that’s kinda gross. Maybe you said all these things the other night, but chances are, because she called so late in the night you probably didn’t. Forming coherent sentences when you’re awoken from utter shock is nothing short of a miracle. In the end though, make sure you have forgiven yourself; it is the most im-portant thing you can do. Also, on a side note, she sounds crazy and should probably be locked up. But that’s just me.

-Jessica Lynch

Smoking can kill you. Cigarettes are addictive. Tobacco smoke can harm your children. Cigarettes cause fatal lung disease. Quitting smoking now greatly reduces serious risks to your health. These are just some of the health warnings the FDA has pro-posed to occupy the top half of the front and rear panels of cigarette pack-ages, along with graphic images of the harmful effects of smoking – im-ages like a cigarette being injected into an arm, like an intravenous drug. It is a step in the right direction for ridding the world of the disgusting, dangerous habit. Most smokers under-stand that there are health risks involved with smok-ing. Unfortunately, many don’t realize the extent

of those health risks. For example, most smokers know that smoking causes respiratory problems, but many don’t realize that it can also cause impotence and stroke. Another mistake smok-ers make is thinking those things will never happen to them. They think that only the other smokers are go-ing to get cancer and die. It’s important to make sure that everyone knows that the risks are very real, and could very likely happen to any and every smoker. With the proposed new labels, anytime a smoker picks up his pack of ciga-rettes, a graphic reminder of just how dangerous they really are is right there in his face. Images of wrin-kled, yellow fingers hold-ing a cigarette, rotting yel-low teeth, or blackened, festering flesh that is rot-ting from disease would certainly encourage me to quit. Though it does not

produce immediate results – not many people would see that and quit instantly – it does give smokers a constant reminder of the dangers. With that kind of encouragement, many will eventually kick the habit for good. Canada has already ad-opted labels of this sort. In a phone survey conducted in Canada, one-fifth of the participants reported cut-ting back on their smoking as a result of the labels. Those who reported hav-ing greater negative emo-tions to the labels, such as fear or disgust, were more likely to quit smoking. As we are doing more to discourage smoking, we are seeing more and more positive results. Ac-cording to a Gallup poll, 41 percent of poll partici-pants in America reported smoking in 1944. In 2010, that number is down to 20 percent. I’m certain we can attribute those

numbers to advertising. In the 1940s, 1950s and 1960s, smoking was con-sidered sexy. There were advertisements of beauti-ful movie stars smoking. Smoking was common in popular films. It was cool; it was sexy; and it was ev-erywhere. Since the advertisements have gone from sexy to disgusting, the risk factors are being displayed more prevalently, and smoking has been banned in most restaurants and bars, the popularity of smoking has been on the decline. Hopefully the new warning labels will en-courage a further decline in the numbers. More than that, I hope to see more extreme measures taken to discourage the desire to smoke. Not only do we need to make it obvi-ous that it is bad for your health, but we also need to make it harder on the bank account.

Smoking is already a fairly expensive habit, which is a deterring factor for many people. If tobacco taxes were greatly increased, it would make it more diffi-cult for people to afford to continue the habit, there-fore encouraging them to quit. Not only that, but it would, at least temporar-ily, increase revenue for the state and/or national governments.

As more is done to dis-courage smoking, and more people are quitting or choosing never to start smoking, the number of people polluting our air and blowing their disgust-ing smoke in our faces is significantly decreas-ing. I sincerely hope that in my lifetime I will see that number drop to zero. Maybe then I can breathe easy.

New tobacco warning labels make U.S. less disgustingCherise [email protected]

Photo courtesy of fda.govThis is one of the many side effects of smoking cigarettes.

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As the mid-November blockbuster vid-eogame release, “Call of Duty,” progress-es toward its third month of main-stream mayhem across the globe, the battle con-tinues as gamers strive to obtain the best rankings worldwide. Unfortunately for UCCS student Tristan Gotnalife, the quest for ultimate bragging rights among immature teenag-ers everywhere nearly cost him his career, and, most importantly, his lightning-fast hand-eye coordination. “The last thing I remember was finish-ing an online match with 93 kills and zero deaths,” said Gotnalife, trying valiantly to hold back tears, clutching the hand of longtime girlfriend, Regina Falangee. “I stood up to shout violently into my head-set and let my teammates know about the headshot I just pulled off on the final kill, and then everything went black.”

Gotnalife had suffered a moderate, game-induced stroke; and as he lay mo-tionless, unable to signal for help to fel-low roommates due to a five-pound dead-bolt clasping his bedroom door shut, he looked toward his right hand and noticed the controller still intact. Fearing time was running out, Got-nalife exercised every ounce of brain power he had left and managed to relay encoded messages over Xbox LIVE using a distinct language called Noobish, which was previously thought to be extinct since 1997, when “Goldeneye” at last failed to redeem the N64 in the eyes of gamers ev-erywhere. “It was like God himself was sending those messages for me,” expounded Got-nalife. “I heard his voice saying, ‘Hey, I got this one. Let me hit the continue but-ton – on your life.’” Authorities arrived on scene just in time, thanks to his quick hands. Despite numerous health risks and con-cerns of continued, meaningless game-

play, this Colorado Springs native isn’t going to let this experience hinder him from obtaining his collegiate dream: To be the best player in “Call of Duty” his-tory. “You know, some people go to college to get a degree, and either make some-thing of themselves or gain the possibil-ity of increased financial support for their loved ones,” he said. “I’m here to game:

that’s it. I structure my classes around the bare minimum and use all my time to memorize maps, skills-sets, techniques and vantage points. It’s hard work, but it’ll pay off. “Ten years from now I want people asking, ‘Who are the five best gamers of all time?’ And the response I want is, ‘Gotnalife, Gotnalife, Gotnalife, Gotnal-ife and Gotnalife.’ Period.”

theScribble“Still, if a statement cannot reasonably be interpreted to be one of express or implied fact, it cannot be libelous. This means that humor columns, spoofs, cartoons and satire are protected as long as readers understand that the material is not intended to be taken seriously.”

-Student Press Law Center

The news in brief

-Scribe Staff

TOPTEN

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Reasons not to hide a cat in your room

You will never be rid of the cat hair.

Cats can’t live without sunlight.

The purring won’t drown out the sound of your parents’ sex noises.

That taste in your mouth in the morning might actually be cat poop.

Cats aren’t understanding of drunken grop-ing.

Claws hurt.

Both your boyfriend and the cat like the bed - where does that leave you?

Your boyfriend touches the cat more than you.

They have rough tongues - be careful where you put the peanut butter.

Your mom. She’s allergic to cats.

-Scribe Staff

A student has been asked to leave the University this week after snorting bath salts. Freshman Michael Idiote snorted the bath salts after hearing a rumor that there was a narcotic drug being marketed as bath salts. Putting his mother’s lavender scented bath salts up his nose, however, sent him to the emergency room. Upon hearing of the incident, school officials thought it was best to remove the student from his studies. “He’s really just too stupid,” commented Chancellor Pat Shocker-Zanzabar, “We cannot justify wasting our time on a moron like that.”

Fashionistas everywhere were shocked to discover that the new hot color for this spring will be jonquil. Getting caught in periwinkle, rose pink, fuchsia or aquamarine in the upcoming season could cause some serious social ramifications. “I wouldn’t be caught dead in my favorite persimmon dress from last year. I would be completely ostrichized. I’m not an idiot,” said junior Emily Snobkins. Some are completely incensed with the trend. Senior Ashley Narcissus said, “Yellow like totally washes me out! I won’t even be able to leave my house all spring. There goes my social life!” Maybe next year we can hope for a more pleasant wisteria or indigo.

A recent study showed that texting actually makes people stupider. The study conducted by the Case Eastern Reserve School of Medicine showed that each use of Textese, including shortened words, numbers used in place of letters, or acronyms, reduces the IQ by 0.0025 percent. On average, young people use Textese and average of four times per text message, which equals an IQ drop of 0.01 percent per text message. As hypertexting teens send about 120 texts per day, that is an IQ drop of 1.2 percent per day. The study explains why high school and college students are no longer able to perform simple tasks like tying their shoes or counting their toes.

Student snorts bath salts; Loses his education

Jonquil is the new persimmon

Texting makes you stupid

Nancy Grace and Glenn Beck met for a friendly conversation over coffee at a Starbucks location that was equally convenient for each of them. Bystanders witnessed the pair sipping nonfat lattes while talking simultaneously. Their voices gradually escalated while they continually tried to talk over one another. “It was a little scary. It looked like her eyes were on fire, and she was basically screaming. Then her head just exploded. It was disgusting,” said John Horn. Starbucks gift cards were given to those struck by the brain matter.

Nancy Grace argues with Glenn Beck; Head explodes

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Cherise [email protected]

Matt [email protected]

Student seizes while becoming No. 1 in ‘Call of Duty’

Photo Courtesy of myamazingfact.blogspot.comThis photo of Gotnalife was taken shortly after he was killed by a “dirty noobtoober.”

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Super Bowl officials have announced this week that the country’s most popular and most watched sport-ing event will have to be cancelled this year. The cause of the cancellation is Texas’ sudden secession from the United States on Monday. After talking about it, dreaming about it, and threatening to secede for de-cades, the state of Texas finally fol-lowed through. “I never thought they’d actually do it,” said President Obama, “It’s like politicians saying we will change things. We say we will, but we never, ever fol-low through. I thought Texas was one of us.” According to NFL reg-ulations, the Super Bowl has to be played on Amer-ican soil. Since Texas no longer falls under that category, holding Super Bowl XLV in Arlington would be unacceptable, not to mention downright offensive. With Super Bowl Sun-day less than a week away, officials have decided that there is not enough time to find a new venue for the event. NFL Commissioner

Roger Goodell said, “We thought about moving it to another venue. Miami was discussed, but it was there last year, so we nixed that. We considered Detroit, but it’s way too frickin’ cold. Eventually we de-cided that it would just be easier to cancel it.” Players and fans are understandably outraged. The NFL is doing every-thing they can to calm the situation. Super Bowl

tickets are being refunded. More hilarious commer-cials are being made to fill the airtime when the game would have been on. Each of the players will be giv-en an extra $100,000 and a puppy. While all of America is desperately trying to find a way to overcome the tragic loss of our most beloved holiday, there has been no mention of trying to get Texas to reconsider their decision.

Super Bowl cancelled; America mourns

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CANCELLED

Feb. 1, 2011

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