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April 7, 2021 Readers are Leaders. . . Volume 15, Issue 14

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Great Vacation Spot A vacationer e-mailed a seaside hotel to ask its location. "It's only a stone's throw away from the beach," he was told. "But how will I recognize it?" asked the man. Back came the reply: "It's the one with all the broken windows."

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At the Race Track

A stock analyst and a Wall Street broker went to the race- track. The broker suggested betting $12,000 on a certain horse. The analyst was skeptical; he had never been to the races before and wanted to understand the rules and look over all the horses before placing a wager. "You're too cautious and detail-oriented," the broker criticized as he placed his large bet. His horse won and he raked in a bundle of money. "What's your secret?" the analyst asked. "It's simple," the broker explained. "I have two kids ... ages two and six ... so I add their ages together and bet on number nine." "But two and six equals eight, not nine!" protested the analyst. "See!" the broker replied, "I told you you're too cautious and detail-oriented."




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There is No Help A young woman calls a nearby mechanic. “Please, Please help! I’m having a problem with my car. I think the transmission is messed up. My car works fine during the daytime, but won’t drive at night at all. I put it in “D” for daytime and I can go where I need to but at night time when I put it in “N” for night, it won’t move. To top it all off, the other day I was sitting at a red light and this guy next to me wanted to race. The light turned green, I slammed it into “R” for race, stomped on the gas and slammed into the car behind me. Any help with this situation would be greatly appreciated... Thank you.”

Late For Class

A little girl, dressed in her "Sunday best" was late and running to her Sunday school class. As she ran, she prayed, "Dear God, please don't let me be late. Dear God, please don't let me be late." Then she fell. She got up, dusted her self off and saw that her dress was now dirty and had a little tear. She started running again, still praying, "Dear God, please don't let me be late." But this time she added, "But please don't push me, either!"

Antiques The owner of a priceless antiques collection allowed a museum to exhibit his treasures. The movers packed the vases while the collector hovered over them. "Do be careful," he cautioned one burly mover. "That vase is nearly two thousand years old." "Don't worry," the guy replied. "I'll treat it like it was brand new."

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A Lot of Good..... Coming out of church, Mrs. Smith asked her husband, "Do you think that Johnson girl is tinting her hair?" "I didn't even see her," admitted Mr. Smith. "And that dress Mrs. Davis was wearing," continued Mrs. Smith, "Really, don't tell me you think that's the proper outfit for a mother of two." "I'm afraid I didn't notice that either," said Mr. Smith. "Oh, for heaven's sake," snapped Mrs. Smith. "A lot of good it does you to go to church."

Adopted? Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny, since my son is a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin. The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally, he asked. "Those your kids?" "Yes, they are!" I answered proudly. "They adopted?" he asked. "Yes," I replied. "I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."

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Brick Counters While a friend and I were visiting Annapolis, we noticed many students on their hands and knees in the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand. "What are they doing?" I asked our tour guide. "Each year," he replied with a grin, "The upperclass-men ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard." When we were out of earshot of the freshmen, my friend asked our guide: "So what's the answer?" The guide replied: "One."

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Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created 10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions. 9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote. 8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him. 7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor, dentist or haircut appointment for himself. 6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb. 5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing. 4. As the Keeper of the Garden, since he didn't have metal sheds or greenhouses, Adam would never remember where he left his tools. 3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden. 2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!" And the #1 reason why God created Eve: 1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that!"

Urges and Feelings

A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk my son. Soon you will have urges and feelings you've never had before. Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else." He added, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal ... it's called golf."

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ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE Call Today! (815)751-1286


Opee Gazette says: Let’s Play! Who Wants To Be A Zillionaire?

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Dining Out The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television. The harried waitress took our order, but more than half an hour passed with no sign of her return. I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when suddenly shouts of victory came from the bar. "Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds as if someone just got his food."

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Chronic Pain The junior executive had been complaining to his wife of aches and pains. Neither one could account for his trouble. Arriving home from work one night, he informed her. "I finally discovered why I've been feeling so miserable. We got some ultra-modern office furniture two weeks ago, and I just learned today that I've been sitting in the wastebasket." Of course I talk to myself.

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Favorite Animal Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right because everyone else in the class laughed. My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it any more. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now.......


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Accepting Applications FT/PT ice cream truck

drivers, Aurora, IL Slammin’ Ice Creamz, Inc

Chofer para manajar troca de helado 630-977-6409

________________HOUSE CLEANING


OPG - CLASSIFIED ADS & BUSINESS DIRECTORY $16.50 FOR 4 LINES (2 ISSUE MINIMUM) • CALL MICHELLE AT (815)751-1286 • PAGE 11

Information gathered herein is from sources considered reliable. Accuracy however cannot be guaranteed. All humorous stories

and jokes appearing here are intended for entertainment purposes only and are not meant to disrespect or harm any group or

individuals. Ads appearing in this paper are not to be considered as an endorsement or validation by Orange Peel Gazette for

products or services offered.

Next Issue Next Issue Ad Deadline April 21 April 9

Welcome Home provides people who have moved with useful community information and FREE gifts from local merchants: all to help you become familiar with the area.

Call or Text For a Visit - Batavia • North Aurora • Batavia/Mill Creek Jennifer Zack • 630-229-2001

Moved Recently? We would enjoy meeting you!

- www.welcomehomebatavia.com -

To appear in the next issue of the ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE

contact Michelle at (815)751-1286 www.OrangePeelGazetteKaneCo.com

TREE SERVICE

WANTEDBand Instruments: Cellos

Open Hole Flutes, Trumpets Double French Horns,

Saxophones (847)951-7098 _______________

A Really Bad Pun A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor. "Is Fred home?" he asked the woman who answered the door. "Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton." The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?" "No, sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton." When he returned the third day he sarcastically said, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again,?" "No," the woman answered solemnly, "Fred died yesterday." Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription: ...

Gone, But Not for Cotton.

Tree Pruning & Removal Call ISA Certified Arborist

Joe (224) 789 - 8773 Northern Kane & Dupage Co

www.ArborJoe.com

Painted Shut?

Weights Dropped?

(847) 697-1974

Call Mark

WINDOW ROPER R

opes Torn?

Pulle

y’s S

tuck

?

With a minimum purchase of $10

(before taxes) receive $1 OFF* $15 $5 OFF* $40 $2 OFF* $25 $10 OFF* $55

*Not to be used with any other offer.

1700 S. Douglas Rd

Montgomery • 630-892-1100

$5 Match Play Gaming Coupon

(1) per customer, per visit Not to be used with any other offer.

GAME ROOM OPEN

6AM - 1AM

Family RestaurantFeel better the natural way! Acupuncture by Linda

663300--448888--66224433 132 N. Main St • Elburn acupuncturebylinda.com

Linda A. Oster Licensed Acupuncturist

Oriental Medicine

BATTERIES FOR: Cars • Trucks • Boats • Motorcycles

Commercial • Industrial • UPS Wheelchair • any many, many more

1102 Ridgeway Ave • Aurora • 630-897-1226Visit our Website: staabbattery.com

We Buy Old Batteries! W E K N O W B AT T E R I E SW E K N O W B AT T E R I E S

Battery Specialists - - Since 1928

BATTERY MFG CO, INC

www.ChicagoInstrumentExchange.com

24 years in business

We Sell Refurbished Band InstrumentsBand Instruments

Buy • Sell • Trade Expect Affordable Prices on quality Instruments

including Trumpets, Trombones, Clarinets and Flutes.

17 North River St • Batavia, IL

(847)951-7098 Instrument Exchange

AGUAS REMODELING All Kinds of Repairs;

Electrical - Walls Bathrooms - Kitchens

Painting Habla Espanol

(847)809-1102 Jesus ________________

ROOM FOR RENT

Sleeping Room $100/weekly Clean/Quiet, Non-smoking

Refrigerator access Aurora 630-247-1031

_______________

REMODELING

LOOK FOR THE NEXT ISSUE OF THE ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE ON APRIL 21, 2021


Dear Neighbor: I have great news for your wallet if your furnace is over 12 years old. Allow me to explain...Every year, the months of January, February, & March can be slow for my business. I employ great people and want to keep them working during these long, slow months. That is why I’ve come up with a Win Win Situation for both of us. Every year, the big manufacturers of furnaces & air conditioners guess how many to build to meet the demand. Of course, they’re never exactly right. So, they always have some inventory that they must hold over until the next summer season. I went to one of these companies and contracted for the purchase of twenty-two Deluxe furnaces and air conditioners in the four most popular sizes used in Kane County. And, because of the quantity and time of year, I was able to buy them at drastically reduced prices. They are brand-new Deluxe Models. They are NOT the seconds or “blems” or standard “builder” models. They are factory-fresh furnaces and air conditioners and have a full 10-year factory warranty. How To Get A Furnace For Peanuts If you are interested in a new heating/cooling system (but only if one of the four sizes I have will fit your house, of course), I am “giving” you the furnace and all I ask for is the $941 in labor & material costs for installation. Perfect Fit For Your Home I will come out and measure your home (and determine the availability of the proper size). Don’t forget, I only have

22 matched Deluxe Systems in four sizes. When they are gone, this remarkable offer ends also. Just call 630-262-8484. Absolutely No Obligation After I completely explain the installation, there is absolutely no obligation. If you decide you don’t want to take advantage of the spectacular savings... That’s OK. You Can Buy With NO Cash* You don’t even have to pay me right away. I have set up a terrific 0%* payment plan. Fuel Efficiency Guarantee** I’m so confident that you will save at least 25% on your heating and cooling bills (I’m projecting more like 30%), that I will pay you the difference for a year if you don’t! I’ll show you exactly how this works. If these heating and air conditioning systems were not among the best on the market, I couldn’t afford to make such a promise. Why This Offer Can’t Last I only have a few of each of the four sizes. When all of the air conditioners are sold and all the furnaces are “given” away, that’s it. There are no more at this price. Call Bre now at (630)262-8484 to set up an appointment for your no-obligation survey.

SS ee rr vv ii cc ee NN oo ww HH ee aa tt ii nn gg HHeellpp iinngg 2222 HHoommeeoowwnneerrss bbyy

““GGIIVVIINNGG AAWWAAYY”” FFuurrnnaacceess FFoorr $$994411

Warmly,

*With approved credit. Ask for Details. **With high efficiency upgrade. 630-262-8484630-262-8484

If you qualify, local utilities may offer up to $650 in rebates towards your new system.

WITH OFF-SEASON AIR CONDITIONING

Elite-Pro Wealth Advisors Email: Investing today for Tomorrow

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