effrey E Young Es Janet S Klosko Reinventing Your Life

8/11/2019 effrey E Young Es Janet S Klosko Reinventing Your Life

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viii ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

1 would like to extend my personl t!nks to se"erl ot!er people w!o !"e plyed

importnt roles in my de"elopment# To $net Klosko% &or mkin' t!is (oll)ortion

so stimultin' nd &ruit&ul# * (ould not !"e +rein"ented+ nyone )etter to work

wit!, to Will Swi&t% w!o% like my &t!er% !s lwys -id supreme (on&iden(e in me%

e"en w!en * ws not so sure.t!nk you &or !elpin' me 'et my ides on tpe% nd

&or pro"idin' (ru(il &eed)(k o"er t!e pst ei'!t yers, to Aron /Tim0 e(k% w!o%

t!rou'! !is (lini(l wisdom% penetrtin' intelli'en(e% nd empiri(l ppro(! to

personl nd pro&essionl pro)lems% !s ser"ed s my mentor# To 2eter Kurilo&& nd

Art!ur Dole% ry 'rdute s(!ool d"isors% &or t!eir &riends!ip% &or !"in'

(on&iden(e in me% nd &or )ein' open enou'! to 'i"e me t!e &reedom to pursue

(o'niti"e t!erpy )e&ore it ws widely ((epted, to Lnd i(e% &or puttin' up wit! me

nd &or !er de"otion in s!oulderin' mu(! o& t!e responsi)ility * (nnot !ndle, to

3i(!rd nd Dine Wttenmker% o) Spit4er# $net Willims5 Gene D6A7uili% nd

mny ot!ers w!o !"e (on /ri)86 uted in wys t!ey pro))ly do not reli4e#

* !"e )een &ortunte t!rou'!out my li&e to !"e &mily t!t * (n lwys

rely on &or prise% ressurn(e% nd ((eptn(e% re'rdless o& w!t 1 !"e 'one

t!rou'! personlly# 9or ((eptin' ll my 7uirks% * would like to t!nk my prents%

'rndprents% )rot!er Step!en% sister De)r% nd t!e ot!er mem)ers o& my extended

&mily# : !"e lerned t!rou'! workin' wit! ptients less &ortunte t!n * not to t ke

su(! support &or 'rnted#

8$;

* would like to t!nk ll t!e ot!er people w!o !elped me )e(ome t!e psy(!olo'ist

t!t * m# * would like to strt )y t!nkin' $e&& ;oun'% &or )ein' su(! n exemplry

model% nd &or 'i"in' me t!e )est &orm o& t!erpy * !"e e"er known# * would like

to t!nk my mentor% D"id rlow% &or te(!in' me t!e menin' o& t!e word

+pro&essionl%+ nd &or en(our'in' me to &ul&ill my tlents% * would like to t!nk

my super"isor in New ;ork City% Will Swi&t, Ann De Ln(ey# Mike urk!rdt% nd

my &ellow interns nd e6!er d"isors &rom rown <ni"ersity, nd &rom S<N; tAl)ny. $erry Cery% 3i(k =eim)er'% $o!n Wpner% Glen Conrd% 3o)in Tssinri%

$im Mn(uso# 3o)ert oioe% ill Simmons% Aln Co!en% my wrm supporti"e

(lssmtes% nd ot!ers# 9inlly% * would like to t!nk t!e ot!er mem)ers o& my

&mily nd (lose &riends% &or e"eryt!in' t!ey !"e 'i"en me%

8$K



CONTENTS

9O3EWO3D ; AA3ON ECK % M#D# >$ 23E9ACE

xm

1 LlFETflAPS 1

? W=*C= <9ET3A2S DO ;O< =A@E 1B

< NDE3STAND*NG <9ET3A2S ?

B S<33ENDE3 % ESCA2E% AND CO<NTE3ATTACK

=ow <9ET3A2S C=ANGE B?

+2LEASE DON6T LEA@E ME-+F T=E AANDONMENT <9ET3A2

H " I CAN6T T3<ST ;OC*+F T=E M*ST3<ST AND A<SE *$9ET3A2

+*6LL NE@E3 GET T=E LO@E $ NEED+F T=E EMOT*ONAL DE23*@AT*ON <9ET3A2 1IJ

J +* DON6T 9*T * N+, T=E SOC*AL E>CL<S*ON <9ET3A2 1 ?J

1I +* CAN6T MAKE *T O= M; OWN+F T=E DE2ENDENCE L*9ET3A2 1

11 +CATAST3O2=E is AO<T TO ST3*KE+F T=E @<\ M E3A$<T@ <9ET3A2 1 B



+I D

EL L*KE S<C= A 9A*L<3E+F T=E 9A*L<3E L*9ET3A2 ?J

*WA@S Do *T Y OUR WA;-+F T=E S<$<GAT*ON L*9ET3A2 ?

NE@E3 <*TE GOOD E NO<G=+F T=E < N3ELENT*NG STANDA3DS =A2 ?JB

*M =A@E W=ATE@E3 WANT+F T=E E NT*TLEMENT L*9ET3A2 1B LOSO2=@ O9

C=ANGE B1 ZE S



FOREWORD

; AA3ON ECK% M#D#

* m deli'!ted t!t $e&&rey ;oun' nd $net Klosko !"e t(kled t!e di&&i(ult issue

o& personlity pro)lems% drwin' upon t!e te(!ni7ues nd prin(iples o& (o'niti"e

t!erpy# T!e ut!ors !"e done pioneerin' work in de"elopin' nd mkin'

"il)le to t!e pu)li( power&ul set o& tools &or mkin' si'ni&i(nt li&e (!n'es in

reltions!ips nd t work#

2ersonlity disorders re sel&8destru(ti"e% li&elon' ptterns t!t )rin' ptients

tremendous un!ppiness# 2eople wit! personlity disorders !"e lon'8term

pro)lems wit! li"in'% in ddition to spe(i&i( symptoms like depression nd nxiety#

T!ey re o&ten un!ppy in t!eir intimte reltions!ips or (!roni(lly under(!ie"e

in t!eir (reers# T!eir o"erll 7ulity o& li&e is usully lower t!n t!ey desire#

Co'niti"e t!erpy !s )een expndin' to meet t!e (!llen'e o& tretin' t!ese

di&&i(ult% (!roni( ptterns# *n tretin' personlity pro)lems% we ddress not only sets

o& symptoms.depression% nxiety% pni( tt(ks% ddi(tions% etin' disorders%

sexul pro)lems% nd insomni.)ut lso underlyin' schemas, or (ontrollin'

)elie&s# /T!e ut!ors re&er to s(!ems s Sfetraps.) Most ptients (ome to t!erpy

wit! (ertin (ore s(!ems t!t re re&le(ted in mny symptom res# Addressin'

t!ese (ore s(!ems in tretment (n !"e )ene&i(il e&&e(ts t!t re"er)erte

t!rou'!out mny res o& t!e ptient6s li&e#

Co'niti"e t!erpists !"e &ound t!t (ertin si'ns point to t!e likeli8

xl



titXU&I1LE 6d)'i)r L IklVC dlWdJi<CC11LlilS way,1 i&(l;Cajw<ajo uau una

lem#+ T!e pro)lem &eels +nturl+ to t!e ptient Se(ondly% t!e ptient ns

un)le to (rry out !omework ssi'nments t!t t!e t!erpist nd ent !"e

'reed upon durin' sessions# T!ere is sense o& )ein' (k#+ T!e ptient )ot!

wnts to (!n'e nd resists (!n'in'# T!irdly% ptient seems unwre o& !is or

!er e&&e(ts on ot!er people# T!ere my (k o& insi'!t )out sel&8ddetin'

)e!"iors#

S(!ems re !rd to (!n'e# T!ey re supported )y (o'niti"e% )e!"8*% nd

emotionl elements nd t!erpy must ddressaU o& t!ese ele8ts# C!n'e in

only one or two relms will not work#

Reinventing Your Life ddresses ele"en o& t!ese (!roni(% sel&8de&etin' onlity ptterns% known in t!e )ook sUfetraps. T!is )ook tkes "ery pli(ted mteri-

nd mkes it simple nd understnd)le# 3eders esily 'rsp t!e ide o&

li&etrps% nd 7ui(kly )e )le to identi&y t!eir -# A welt! o& (se mteril%

drwn &rom (tul (lini(l experien(e% will$ reders relte to t!e li&etrps in

personl wy# 9urt!ermore% t!e ni7ues t!e ut!ors present re power&ul in

produ(in' (!n'e# T!eir ro(! is inte'rti"eF it drws on (o'niti"e% )e!"iorl%

psy(!onlyti(% experientil t!erpies% w!ile mintinin' t!e pr(ti(l%

pro)lem8sol"8&o(us o& (o'niti"e t!erpy#

Reinventing Your Life presents pr(ti(l te(!ni7ues &or o"er(omin' most

pin&ul% li&elon' pro)lems% T!e )ook re&le(ts t!e tremendous liti"ity%

(ompssion% nd dini(l insi'!t o& its ut!ors#



PREFACE

W!y not!er sel&8!elp )ook

We )elie"e t!t Reinventing Your Life &ills n importnt 'p in t!e )ooks

(urrently "il)le &or sel&8impro"ement# T!ere re mny ex(ellent sel&8!elp )ooks%

ust s t!ere re mny &ine t!erpy ppro(!es# =owe"er% most o& t!ese re limited#

Some )ooks only del wit! one spe(i&i( pro)lem% like (odependen(y% depression%

l(k o& sserti"eness% or mkin' poor prtner (!oi(es# Some del 8wit! mny

pro)lems% )ut only use one mens o& (!n'e% like inner8(!ild work% (ouples

exer(ises% or (o'niti"e8)e!"iorl met!ods# Ot!er )ooks re inspirtionl or doa'ret o) o& des(ri)in' uni"ersl pro)lem like loss% )ut t!e solutions t!ey o&&er re

so "'ue t!t we don6t know !ow to 'o )out (!n'in' on(e we !"e t!e

inspirtion#

*n Reinventing Your Life, $net Klosko nd * s!re wit! you new t!erpy &or

(!n'in' mor li&e ptterns# Li&etrp t!erpy ddresses eleven o& t!e most

destru(ti"e pro)lems we en(ounter e"ery dy in our pr(ti(es# To !elp you (!n'e

t!ese li&etrps% we (om)ine te(!ni7ues &rom se"erl di&&erent t!erpies# Asa result%

we t!ink t!is )ook will pro"ide you wit! a &r more t!orou'! nd (ompre!ensi"e

ppro(! to a "riety o& li&elon' pro)lems t!n most )ooks you !"e red so &r#Sin(e t!is )ook is )out personl 'rowt! nd (!n'e% *6d like to des(ri)e t!e

pt! * &ollowed ledin' to t!e de"elopment o& li&etrps t!erpy#

xiii



spe(ts my de"elopment s Liuaapiii *L<*<*F W $<<*ME ui ery we outline

&or you in t!is )ook#

n in 1JH w!en * ws 'rdute student t t!e <ni"ersity o& ni# *

remem)er my &irst experien(e doin' t!erpy s n intern nunity mentl8

!elt! (enter in 2!ildelp!i# * ws lernin' erpy% nondire(ti"e

ppro(!# * remem)er &eelin' stymied ie time# 2tients would (ome tome wit! serious li&e pro)lems% , power&ul emotions% nd * ws tu'!t to

listen% to prp!rse% i&y so ptients (ould rri"e t t!eiron solutions#

T!e pro)lem% ws t!t o&ten t!ey didn6t# Or% i& t!ey did (ome to t!eir

own it took so lon' t!t * )e(me terri)ly &rustrted )y t!e time Ps

o"er# 3o'erin t!erpy did not &it my temperment my !otations.

2er!ps 1 m too imptient% )ut * like to see (!n'e +ess relti"ely

7ui(kly# 1 )e(ome esily &rustrted in (ir(um8!ere t!ere is serious

pro)lem nd1 !"e to sit )y !elplessly un)le to (orre(t it%

in s!ort time% * )e'n redin' )out )e!"ior t!erpy% n t!t stresses

rpid% (on(rete )e!"ior (!n'e# * &elt n enormous mid )e (ti"e nd

o&&er d"i(e to ptients insted o& )ein' so e!"iortheTapy o&&ered

well lid out &rmework t!t explinednts !d spe(i&i( pro)lems nd

ex(tly w!i(! te(!ni7ues to use# lostlike (ook)ook or te(!ni(l

mnul# *n (omprison wit! t!e ro(! * !d ori'inlly lerned% t!e

)e!"iorl model ws "ery # *t ws 'ered towrd &st% s!ort8term

(!n'e# F (ouple o& yers% * )e(me disillusioned wit! )e!"ior t!erpy

n &o(usin' so nrrowly on w!t people !o, * )e'n to &eel t!t t!erpy

!d 'one too &r in ignoring our thoughts nd feelings. * in' t!e ri(!ness

o& ptients6 internl worlds# At t!is point 1 read i e(k6s )ook# ognitive

#herap$ an! tlie Emotional %isor!ers, ne ex(ited 'in# e(kwas

(om)inin' t!e pr(ti(lity nd dire(t8!"ior t!erpy wit! t!e ri(!ness o&

ptients6 t!ou'!ts nd )elie&s% r 'rdute s(!ool in 1JHJ81 )e'n

studyin' (o'niti"e t!erpy wit! * lo"ed demonstrtin' to ptients !ow

their t!ou'!ts were dis8d s!owin' t!em rtionl lternti"es# * lso liked

pinpointin' Dehaviors nd re!ersin' new wys o& !ndlin' e"erydy

situ8ients )e'n to (!n'e in drmti( wysF t!eir depression li&ted%

ymptoms went wy# 1 lso &ound t!t t!e te(!ni7ues o& (o'niti"e rere

extremely "lu)le to me in my personl li&e * )e'n spred8ford )out

(o'niti"e t!erpy to ot!er pro&essionls t!rou'! le(8, works!ops in t!e

<nited Sttes nd Europe#

* (ontinued to !"e drmti( results wit! mny ptients% espe(illy t!ose

wit! spe(i&i( symptoms like depression nd nxiety# <n&ortuntely% s

time went on% * )uilt up )(klo' o& ptients w!o were not respondin'

t ll or w!o s!owed only sli'!t impro"ement# * de(ided to sit down

nd &i'ure out w!t t!ese ptients !d in (ommon# * lso sked

(olle'ues o& mine w!o were (o'niti"e t!erpists to des(ri)e t!eir

resistnt ptients# * wnted to see w!et!er t!eir t!erpy &ilures were

similr to my own#

W!t * &ound in tryin' to distin'uis! di&&i(ult ptients &rom t!e

ones w!o responded 7ui(kly ws re"eltion to me# T!e most di&&i(ult

ptients tended to !"e &ss se"ere symptoms, in 'enerl% t!ey were lessdepressed nd nxious# Mny o& t!eir pro)lems (on(erned intim(y,

t!ese ptients !d ptterns o& unstis&(tory reltions!ips# 9urt!ermore%

most o& t!ese resistnt ptients !d experien(ed t!eir pro)lems &or most

o& t!eir li"es# T!ey were not (omin' to t!erpy )e(use o& sin'le li&e

(risis% like di"or(e or t!e det! o& prent# T!ese ptients ll !d self'

!estructive li&e ptterns#

Next * de(ided to mke list o& t!e most (ommon t!emes or

ptterns in t!ese di&&i(ult ptients# T!is )e(me my &irst list o& s(!ems%

or li&etrps# *t only !d &ew o& t!e ele"en ptterns des(ri)ed in

Reinventing Your Life, su(! s deep &eelin's o& de&e(ti"eness% sense o&

pro&ound isoltion nd loneliness% tenden(y to s(ri&i(e t!eir needs &or

t!ose o& ot!er people% nd n un!elt!y dependen(e or relin(e on

ot!ers# T!ese li&etrps pro"ed in"lu)le to me in workin' wit! ptients

w!o pre"iously !d )een unresponsi"e to tretment# * &ound t!t )y

de"elopin' list o& li&etrps% * (ould )rek down ptients6 pro)lems into

mn'e)le prts# * (ould lso de"elop di&&erent strte'ies &or sol"in'

e(! pro)lem or pttern#

*n retrospe(t my ser(! &or )rod t!emes nd ptterns ws lso

"ery (onsistent wit! my own personlity# *6"e lwys lon'ed to see

"rious spe(ts o& my li&e s prt o& n or'ni4ed w!ole% wit! somesense o& order nd predi(t)ility# *6"e lwys &elt t!t * (ould 'in (ontrol

o"er my own li&e )y extr(tin' t!ese 'enerl t!emes or ptterns# 1

remem)er s (olle'e student tryin' to (lssi&y my roommtes into

"rious (te'ories o& &riends!ip% dependin' on !ow mu(! * &elt t!ey

(ould )e relied upon#

Anot!er t!red in my own de"elopment s t!erpist !s )een my

in(resin' desire to inte'rte nd )lend% rt!er t!n eliminte or (riti(i4e#

Mny t!erpists &eel t!ey must (!oose one ppro(! to t!erpy nd

&ollow it wit! de"otion# T!t is w!y we !"e stri(t Gestlt t!erpists%

&mily t!erpists% 9reudin t!erpists% nd )e!"ior t!erpists# * !"e

(ome to )elie"e t!t inte'rtin' t!e )est (omponents o& se"erl t!erpies

is &r more e&&e(ti"e t!n ny one lone# T!ere is mu(! o& "lue in

psy(!on



8

mm *% uugiuuve, piumiituui!"iuu, duu uiiavwioi o##pi uouuu#,

si'ni&i(nt limittions w!en used lone% ot!er !nd% * m lso

opposed to (om)inin' mny di&&erent p!4rdly wit!out iini&yin'

&rmework# * )elie"e t!t t!e ips pro"ide t!t uni&yin' &rmework%

nd t!t te(!ni7ues se"erl ppro(!es (n )e (om)ined% like n

rsenl o& wep8t!ese li&etrps# 9urt!ermore% s des(ri)ed in t!e

(!pters t!t li&etrps (n pro"ide you wit! sense o& (ontinuity

o"er t!e ir li&e, t!e pst nd present (n )e seen s prt o&

(onsistent <&etrp !s n understnd)le ori'in in (!ild!ood t!t

intui8'!t to us# We (n understnd% &or exmple% w!y we re drwn

irtners% nd w!y we &eel so )dly )out oursel"es w!en we ke% on(ewe 'rsp !ow demndin' nd puniti"e our own

!t Reinventing Your Life &ills t!e need &or )ook t!t dels "ely

wit! )rod rn'e o& deeply &elt% li&elon' pro)lems we ll wpe t!t it

pro"ides you wit! use&ul &rmework &or under8v t!ese ptterns

de"eloped% lon' wit! power&ul solutions &or % drwn &rom mny

di&&erent psy(!olo'i(l ppro(!es t!t ork &or you#

$E993E; ;O<NG

Septem(er **+



LlFET$APS

Q Are you repetedly drwn into reltions!ips wit! people w!o re (old to

you Do you &eel t!t e"en t!e people (losest to you do not (re or understnd

enou'! )out you

Q Do you &eel t!t you re t your (ore some!ow de&e(ti"e% t!t no one

w!o truly knows you (ould possi)ly lo"e nd ((ept you

Q Do you put t!e needs o& ot!ers )o"e your own% so your needs ne"er 'et

met.nd so you do not e"en know w!t your rel needs re

Q Do you &er t!t somet!in' )d will !ppen to you% so t!t e"en a mild

sore t!rot sets o&& dred o& more dire disese

Q Do you &ind t!t% re'rdless o& !ow mu(! pu)li( ((lim or so(il p8

pro"l you re(ei"e% you still &eel un!ppy% un&ul&illed% or undeser"in'

We (ll ptterns like t!ese lifetraps. *n t!is )ook% we will des(ri)e t!e ele"en most

(ommon li&etrps nd will s!ow you !ow to recognie t!em% !ow to understnd

t!eir origins, nd !ow to change t!em#

A li&etrp is a pttern t!t strts in (!ild!ood nd re"er)ertes t!rou'!out li&e#*t )e'n wit! somet!in' t!t ws !one to us )y our &milies or )y ot!er (!ildren#

We were )ndoned% (riti(i4ed% o"erprote(ted% )used% ex(luded% or depri"ed.we

were dm'ed in some wy# E"entully t!e li&etrp )e(omes prt o& us# Lon' &ter

we le"e t!e !ome we 'rew up in% we (ontinue to (rete situtions in w!i(! we re

mistreted%

1



10

=*% put %&'Tl,Ui!uuuu#iu C*%< m ---------------------

(d 'ols#

Li&etrps determine !ow we t!ink% &eel% (t% nd relte to ot!ers# T!ey er stron'

&eelin's su(! s n'er% sdness% nd nxiety# E"en w!en we ir to !"e

e"eryt!in'.so(il sttus% n idel mrri'e% t!e respe(t o& le (lose to us% (reer su((ess.we re o&ten un)le to s"or li&e or "e in our ((omp!s!ments#

$EDF A T=*3T;8 N*NE8;EA3 8OLD STOCK3OKE3 W=O *S E>T3EMEL; S<CCESS9<L # =E

CON<E3S WOMEN1% <T NE@E3 3EALL; CONNECTS W*T= T=EM# $ED *S CA<G=T *N T=E

EMOTIONAL %EPRIVATION L*9ET3A2 #

,n we were &irst de"elopin' t!e li&etrps ppro(!% we )e'n tretin' ntri'uin'

ptient nmed $ed# $ed per&e(tly illustrtes t!e sel&8de&etin' ire o& li& etrps#

$ed 'oes &rom one womn to not!er% insistin' t!t none o& t!e women neets ( n

stis&y !im E(! one e"entully disppoints !im# T!e (losest (omes to intimte

reltions!ips is in&tution wit! women w!o sexu8ex(ite !im# T!e pro)lem is

t!t t!ese reltions!ips ne"er lst $ed does not connect wit! women# =e

con-uers t!em# T!e point t (! !e loses interest is ex(tly t!e point t w!i(! !e

!s +won#+ T!e nn !s strted to &ll in lo"e wit! !im#

/ It realt$ turns me offhen a oman is !ing$. 0hen she starts hanging aS

over me, especiall$ in pu(lic, I 1ust ant to run,

stru''les wit! loneliness# =e &eels empty nd )ored T!ere is n empty e inside

.nd !e restlessly ser(!es &or t!e womn w!o will &ill !im up#

)elie"es !e will ne"er &ind t!is womn# =e &eels t!t !e !s lwys )een ne nd

lwys will )e lone#

As (!ild% $ed &elt t!is sme (!in' loneliness# =e ne"er knew !is !er% nd

!is mot!er ws (old nd unemotionl# Neit!er one o& t!em met

emotional needs# =e 'rew up emotionlly depri"ed% nd (ontinues to rete t!is

stte o& det(!ment s n dult#

9or yers $ed ind"ertently repeted t!is pttern wit! t!erpists% &tin' &rom

one to not!er# E(! t!erpist initilly '"e !im !ope% yet imtely disppointed

!im# =e ne"er relly ( onne(ted wit! !is t!erpists,

t!erpy# E(! t!erpy experien(e (on&irmed t!t !is li&e !d not (!n'ed% nd

!e &elt e"en more lone#

Mny o& $ed6s t!erpists were wrm nd empt!i(# T!is ws not t!e

pro)lem# T!e pro)lem ws t!t $ed lwys &ound some ex(use to "oid t!e

intim(y wit! w!i(! !e ws so un&milir nd un(om&ort)le# Emotionl

support &rom t!erpist ws essentil% )ut not enou'!# =is t!erpists did not

confront !is sel&8destru(ti"e ptterns o&ten or &or(e&ully enou'!# 9or $ed to

es(pe !is Emotionl Depri"tion li&etrp% !e !d to stop &indin' &ult wit! t!e

women !e met nd )e'in to tke responsi)ility &or &i'!tin' !is own dis(om&ort

)out 'ettin' (lose to people nd ((eptin' t!eir nurturn(e#

W!en $ed &inlly (me to us &or tretment% we (!llen'ed !im o"er nd

o"er 'in% tryin' to (!ip wy t !is li&etrp e(! time it resserted itsel&# *t ws

importnt to s!ow !im t!t we were 'enuinely sympt!eti( wit! !ow

un(om&ort)le it &elt &or !im to 'et (lose to nyone% in li'!t o& !is extremely i(y

prents# Ne"ert!eless% w!ene"er !e insisted t!t Wendy ws not )euti&ul

enou'!% *s)el ws not )rillint enou'!% or Meliss ws ust not ri'!t &or !im%

we pus!ed !im to see t!t !e ws &llin' into !is li&etrp 'in% &indin' &ult

wit! ot!ers to "oid &eelin' wrmt!# A&ter yer o& t!is empathic confrontation,

)ln(in' emotionl support nd (on&ronttion% we were &inlly )le to see

si'ni&i(nt (!n'e# =e is now en''ed to Ni(ole% wrm nd lo"in' womnF

$EDF 2$ previous therapists mere reall$ un!erstan!ing, an! 3got a lot of insight

into m$ grim chil!hoo!, (ut none of them reaS$ pushe! me to change. It

as 1ust too eas$ to faE (ac& into m$ ol! famiSar patterns. #his approach

as !ifferent.

I finall$ too& some responsi(ilit$ for ma&ing a reia4onship or&. I

!i!n5t ant m$ relationship ith 6icole to (e another failure, an! I feit ti&e

this as it for me. 7lthough I coul! see that 6icole asn5t perfect, I finall$

!eci!e! that either I oul! have to c onnect ith someone or resign m$self

to (eing alone forever.

T!e li&etrp ppro(! in"ol"es continuall$ confronting oursel"es# We will te(!

you !ow to tr(k your li&etrps s t!ey ply t!emsel"es out in your li&e% nd !ow

to (ounter t!em repetedly until t!ese ptterns loosen t!eir 'rip on you



*EAT=E#3 F A 9O3T@8TWO8;EA3 8OLD WOMAN W*T= T3EMEN80O<S 2OTENT*AL% T3A22ED *M

=E3 OWN =OME ECA<SE =E3 FEA3S A3E SO C3$22L1 N% ALT=O<G= S=E TAKES T=E T3AN8

<*L*RE3 AT*@AN TO T3EAT =E3 AN>*ET;% S=E ES ST*LL ST<CK @ T=E @<LNE3A*L*T;

<9ET3A2 #

UniuL<$$C< w(u wiui srressrui situtions% s!e ttri)uted ll

!er su((ess to t!e medi(tion# S!e ws not )uildin' sense o& mstery. t!e

sense t!t s!e (ould !ndle t!in's on !er own% /T!is is w!y% prti(ulrly wit!

nxiety tretments% ptients tend to relpse w!en t!e medi(tion is wit!drwn#0

=et!er mde relti"ely rpid pro'ress in li&etrp t!erpy# Wit!in yer%!er li&e ws si'ni&i(ntly )etter# S!e 'rdully strted enterin' more nxiety8

pro"okin' situtions# S!e (ould tr"el% see &riends% 'o to mo"ies% nd s!e

e"entully de(ided to tke on prt8time o) t!t re7uired (ommutin'#

As prt o& !er tretment% we !elped =et!er )e(ome )etter t estimtin'

t!e odds o& )d t!in's !ppenin'# We (ontinully demonstrted !ow s!e

ex''erted t!e risk o& (tstrop!e in !rmless situtions, nd we s!owed !er

t!t s!e o"erestimted !er own "ulner)ility nd wekness outside !er !ome

S!e lerned to tke reasona(le pre(utions# S!e stopped skin' !er !us)nd nd

&riends &or ressurn(e =er mrri'e impro"ed# And s!e 'ot more plesure &rom

!er li&e

T=E *3ON; O9 3E2ET*T*ON

$ed nd =et!er illustrte two o& t!e ele"en li&etrpsF Emotionl Depri"tion nd

@ulner)ility# As we dis(uss ot!er ptients% you will red )out t!e ot!er

li&etrpsF Su)u'tion% Mistrust nd A)use% A)ndonment% De&e(ti"eness%

Entitlement% Dependen(e% 9ilure% <nrelentin' Stndrds% nd So(il Ex(lusion#

;ou will pro))ly re(o'ni4e elements o& yoursel& in se"erl o& t!ese#

T!t we keep repetin' t!e pin o& our (!ild!ood is one o& t!e (oreinsi'!ts o& psy(!onlyti( psy(!ot!erpy# 9reud (lled t!is t!e repetition

compulsion. T!e (!ild o& n l(o!oli( 'rows up to mrry n l(o!oli( T!e

)used (!ild 'rows up to mrry n )user% or )e(omes n )user !imsel&# T!e

sexully molested (!ild 'rows up to )e prostitute# T!e o"erly (ontrolled (!ild

llows ot!ers to (ontrol !er#

T!is is )&&lin' p!enomenon# W!y do we do t!is W!y do we reen(t

our pin% prolon'in' our su&&erin' W!y don6t we )uild )etter li"es nd es(pe

t!e pttern Almost e"eryone repets ne'ti"e ptterns &rom (!ild!ood in sel&8

de&etin' wys# T!is is t!e strn'e trut! wit! w!i(! t!erpists (ontend#

Some!ow we mn'e to (rete% in dult li&e% (onditions remrk)ly similr to

t!ose t!t were so destru(ti"e in (!ild!ood# A li&etrp is ll t!e wys in w!i(!

we re(rete t!ese ptterns#

T!e te(!ni(l term &or li&etrp is schema. T!e (on(ept o& s(!em it

oursel"es nd t!e world% lerned erly in li&e# T!ese s(!ems re l to our sense

o& self. To 'i"e up our )elie& in s(!em would )e to mder t!e se(urity6 o&

knowin' w!o we re nd w!t t!e world is like, F&ore we (lin' to it% e"en w!en

it !urts us# T!ese erly )elie&s pro"ide 6it! sense o& predi(t)ility nd (ertinty,

t!ey re (om&ort)le nd lir# *n n odd sense% t!ey mke us &ee- t !ome# T!is

is w!y (o'niti"e !olo'ists )elie"e s(!ems% or li&etrps% re so di&&i(ult to

(!n'e# Let us now look t !ow li&etrps &&e(t t!echemistr$ we &eel in mti(

reltions!ips#

sense% =et!er !s no li&e, s!e is too &rid to donyt!in'# Li&e is it wit! dn'er# S!e pre&ers to sty!ome w!ere it is +s&e#+

=E3, V &no there5s lots of great stuff to !o in the cit$. I li&e the heater, I

E&e rae restaurants, I li&e seeing frien!s. 8ut it5s 1ust too nttch for me. I

!on5t have fun. I5m too orrie! aS the time that omet2ng horri(le is going

to happen.

er worries )out (r (rs!es% (ollpsin' )rid'es% 'ettin' mu''ed% n'

disese su(! s#A*DS% nd spendin' too mu(! money# *t (er8is not surprisin'

t!t trip to t!e (ity is no &un &or !er# let!er6s !us)nd Wlt is "ery n'ry

wit! !er# =e wnts to 'o out i t!in's# Wlt sys.nd ri'!tly so.t!t it is

not &ir &or !im to )e 6ed# More nd more% !e 'oes !ed nd does t!in's

wit!out !er# let!er6s prents were ex(eptionlly o"erprote(ti"e o& !er# =er

pr8rere $ewis! =olo(ust sur"i"ors w!o spent mu(! o& t!eir (!ild!oods

(entrtion (mps# T!ey treted !er like (!in doll% s s!e put it# (ontinully

wrned !er )out possi)le /)ut unlikely0 t!rets to !er e, s!e mi'!t (t(!

pneumoni% )e trpped in t!e su)wy% drown% or i'!t in &ire# *t is no

wonder t!t s!e spends most o& !er time in stte o& nxiety% tryin' tomke sure t!t !er world is s&e# Men8lmost e"eryt!in' t!t is plesur)le

is drinin' out o& !er li&e% te&ore (omin' to us% =et!er tried se"erl nti8

nxiety medi(tions L t!ree8yer period# /Medi(tion is t!e most (ommon

tretment &or y#0 Most re(ently% s!e went to psy(!itrist w!o pres(ri)ed

Ati"n% ok t!e pills e"ery dy% nd t!e medi(tion did pro"ide some relie&# It

)etter% less nxious# Li&e )e(me more plesnt Knowin' s!e !d xli(tion

mde !er &eel more )le to (ope wit! t!in's# E"en so% s!e ued to "oid

le"in' t!e !ouse# =er !us)nd (omplined t!t t!e tion ust mde !er

!ppier to sit round t !ome% mot!er serious pro)lem ws t!t =et!er &elt

dependent on t!e Ati"nF

"4ER/ I feel 4&e I5m going to have to sta$ on tins for the rest of m$ &. #he

i!ea of giving it up terrifies me. I !on5t an t to go (ac& to (eing /are! of

ever$thing aS the time.



12

2AT3*CK F AT=*3T@89 * @E8;EA=8 OLD <$LO*NG CONT3ACTO3 # T=E MO3E =*S W*9E# 93ANC

*N E% =AS A99A*3S W*T= OT=E3 MEN% T=E MO3E =E DES*3ES =E3 # 2AT3*CK LS CA<G=T *N

T=E AANDONMENT <9ET3A2#

----------.^ii^, <*LT8$ L^inv^li ^LfUUUl£ dllU IdgC TIf TI

OIL'

(ine &inlly (omes !ome% t!ere is s(ene# A &ew times !e !s !it !er% &terwrd

lwys )e''in' !er &or'i"eness# =e wnts to 'et o&& die roller (oster# =e sys

!e wnts some st)ility nd pe(e# ;et t!is is t!e irony o& t!e A)ndonment

li&etrpF t!e more unpredi(t)le 9rn(ine is% t!e more !e is drwn to !er t

deep emotionl le"el# =e &eels morechemistr$ w!en s!e t!retens to le"e#

2tri(k6s (!ild!ood ws &ru'!t wit! loss nd unpredi(t)ility# =is &t!er

)ndoned t!e &mily w!en 2tri(k ws only two yers old# =e nd !is two

sisters were rised )y t!eir mot!er% n l(o!oli( w!o ne'le(ted t!em w!en s!e

ws drunk# T!ese &eelin's re &milir to !im% nd !e !s mn'ed to re(rete

t!em )y mrryin' 9rn(ine nd tolertin' !er in&idelity#

2tri(k ws in psy(!onlysis /9reudin t!erpy0 &or t!ree yers# =e sw

!is nlyst t!ree times week &or &i&ty minutes e(! time.t (onsider)le

expense#

2AT3*CKF V oul! go in an! 4e !oom on the couch an! tal& a(out hatever came into m$ min!. It as ver$ lonel$ for me. 2$ anal$st sai! ver$ 4ttle

in the hole three $ears. Even if I as cr$ing or $elling at him he usuall$

oul!n5t sa$ an$thing. I felt li&e lie. asn5t reall$ there.

=e tlked iot )out !is (!ild!ood% nd )out w!t it &elt like to lie t!ere on t!e

(ou(!#

=e )e(me &rustrted wit! nlysis# =e &ound !is pro'ress "ery slow# =e

un!erstoo! !is pro)lems )etter% )ut !e still !d t!em# /T!is is (ommon

(omplint )out psy(!onlysisF *nsi'!t is not enou'!#0 =e wnted t!erpy

t!t ws 7ui(ker nd more dire(ti"e# =e wnted more 'uidn(e#

T!e li&etrp ppro(! o&&ered 2tri(k t!e 'uidn(e !e needed# *nsted o&

)ein' distnt nd neutrl wit! 2tri(k% we colla(orate! wit! !im# We !elped

!im see ex(tly w!t !is pttern ws nd !ow !e (ould )rek it# We tu'!t !im

!ow to )e(ome more sele(ti"e in !is reltions!ips wit! women# We wrned !im

o& t!e dn'er in romnti( reltions!ips o& )ein' drwn to destru(ti"e prtners

w!o 'enerte lot o& sexul (!emistry8 =e ws (on&ronted wit! t!e pin&ul

relity t!t !e% like mny o& us% !d &llen in lo"e wit! prtner w!o rein&or(ed

!is li&etrp%

A&ter yer nd !l& o& li&etrp t!erpy% 2tri(k de(ided to end !is

mrri'e to 9rn(ine# *n t!t time !e !d 'i"en !er e"ery (!n(e# =e !d tried to(orre(t !is )e!"iors t!t were destru(ti"e to t!e reltions!ip.nd t!t were

ind"ertently dri"in' !er wy# =e !d stopped tryin' to (ontroi !im )dly# ut

t!rou'! it ll 9rn(ine !d not (!n'ed# *n &(t% !d 'rown worse#

)en we &irst sked i& !e !d (onsidered le"in' 9rn(ine% 2tri(k i t!t !e ws

too &rid !e would &ll prt ut w!en !e &inlly le&t 1 ended !is mrri'e% !e

did not &ll prt# *nsted% !e )e(me (lmer ore sel&8(on&ident =e sw t!t !e

(ould !"e li&e prt &rom ie# We t!ink !e ws ri'!t to le"e t!e sU-&

destru(ti"e rektions!ip# itri(k slowly strted seein' ot!er women# At &irst% !e

dted women ere ust like !is wi&e.unst)le nd un)le to support !im# *t ws

'! !e were runnin' t!rou'! t!e w!ole (y(le 'in in &st motion% dully

!elped !im to mke !elt!ier (!oi(es% e"en t!ou'! t!e itry !e &elt ws not 7uite

s !i'!# =e !s )een li"in' &ox six mont!s yl"i% "ery st)le nd reli)le

womn w!o seems de"oted to !im# s!e is less 'lmorous t!n 9rn(ine% &or t!e

&irst time in !is li&e L is lernin' to )e (ontent in (onsistent% nurturin'

en"ironment% !e li&etrp ppro(! s!ows you ex(tly w!t types o& reltions!ips

dt!y &or you to pursue% nd w!t types to "oid% 'i"en your prti(u8trps# O&ten%

t!is is not esy# Like 2tri(k% you my !"e to mke s t!t re pin&ul in t!e

s!ort run nd e"en 'o 'inst your 'ut s in order to es(pe rut t!t you !"e

)een mired in t!rou'!out &e#

+A3LTOMF T=S3T@ @EA3S OLD# WO3KS 9O3 =*S 9AT=E3 *N A

AM*L; TE>T*LE <S*NESS # =E *S MOT @E3; GOOD AT MAMAG8P1G OT=E3 2EO2LE AND

WO<LD M<C= 3AT=E3 E DO$NS OMET=*NS ELSE# CA3LTON 1 CA<G=T *N T=E

SUBJUGATION *9ET3A2 #

i(k is (utely un!ppy# =is wi&e keeps !"in' &&irswit! ot!er men Fne"er s!e !s n &&ir% !e )e(omesdesperte%

+3*CKF It5s li&e I5ll !o an$thing to get her (ac&. I can5t stan! it. I &no if I

lose her I5ll fall apart. I can5t un!erstan! h$ I put up ith this9 it5s

asiflhveher more hen I &no she5s not there for me. I start thin&ing, "If onl$ I

coul! (e (etter, she oul!n5t nee! to !o this. If onf$ I ere (etter, sfie oul!

sta$ ith me." I can5t stan! the un(ertinrr #

i(ine keeps promisin' to )e &it!&ul% nd e(! time 2tri(k )elie"es !er# 1 e(!

time !is !opes re ds!ed

T3*CKF I can5t (elieve she5s !oing tins to me again. I can5t (elieve she5! put

me through it. 7fter last time I as sure she oul! stop. I mean, she sa hat

she !i! to me. I as almost suici!al. I can5t (elieve she oul! !o it 'in#

i(k6s mrri'e is roller (oster# =e rides% out o& (ontrol% &rom wild e to

despir% risin' nd (rs!in' 'in nd 'in%

r$)*+ #he har!est part for me is the aiting. :noing hat she is !oing

an! aiting for her to come home. #here have (een times hen ; have aile!

dys# <ust sat there an! aite! for her to come home.



n is people8pleser# =e puts e"eryone6s needs )e&ore !is own# =e is e w!o

lwys sys% "I don6t (re% you de(ide%+ w!en ot!er people sk V!t !e wnts#

Crlton tries to plese !is wi&e )y syin' +yes+ to e"eryt!in' s!e sysrants. =e

tries to plese !is (!ildren )y ne"er syin' +no#+ =e tries se !is &t!er )y 'oin'

into t!e &mily )usiness% e"en t!ou'! it mens o) !e does not like#

roni(lly% despite t!e &(t t!t !e tries so !rd to plese% ot!er people &eel

irritted wit! Crlton# =e is so sel&8s(ri&i(in'# =is wi&e is n'ry le !s no

)(k)one% Alt!ou'! t!e (!ildren tke d"nt'e o& !is ssi"eness% t some le"el

t!ey re n'ry t!t !e &ils to set limits# =is si"eness t work% prti(ulrlyin

delin' wit! employees#

Alt!ou'! Crlton does not know it% !e is n'ry% too# Deep inside !e is

n'ry )out !"in' denied !is own needs &or so lon'# T!is is prtem !e

lerned erly in li&e# =is &t!er is (onsidered tyrnt, !e t!ri"es )y domineerin'

nd (ontrollin' ot!ers# E"eryt!in' !s to )e !is wy# As (!ild% i& Crlton

dis'reed or r'ued% !is &t!er spnked nd )elittled !im# =is mot!er dopted

(ompletely pssi"e role# S!e ws depressed mu(! o& t!e time% nd Crlton o&ten

&ound !imsel& in t!e role o& (retker% tryin' to mke !er &eel )etter# T!ere ws

no pl(e !e (ould 'o to 'et ias needs met

e&ore (omin' to us% Crlton ws in n experientil tretment (lled

Gestlt t!erpy &or two yers# =is t!erpist en(our'ed !im to sty in t!e

present nd 'et in tou(! wit! !is &eelin's# 9or exmple% t!e t!erpist !d !im try

im'ery exer(ises in w!i(! !e would pi(ture !is &t!er nd pr(ti(e tlkin' )(k

to !im# T!is ppro(! ws !elp&ul# =e strted to &eel !ow #n'ry !e ws#

T!e pro)lem ws t!t t!e t!erpy l(ked dire(tion# *t did not !"e

(onsistent &o(us# Crlton dri&ted &rom session to session% explorin' w!te"er

&eelin's were most prominent t t!e moment# Nturlly% !is n'er t !is lo"edones kept sur&(in'% )ut !e did not act on !is &eelin's nd !e did not understnd

w!y# T!e t!erpist did not drw ll t!e (omponents o& !is pro)lem to'et!er &or

!im nd t!en te(! !im spe(i&i( (!n'e te(!ni7ues to o"er(ome !is su)u'tion#

<&etrp t!erpy pro"ided Crlton wit! simple% stri'!t&orwrd con'

ceptual frameor& t!t llowed !im to see t!t su)u'tion ws primry

t!eme runnin' t!rou'! !is li&e% nd !e lerned wys to (!n'e it# =e mde rpid

pro'ress# We o&ten &ind t!t t!e Su)u'tion li&etrp tkes t!e lest mount o&

time to )rek#

Crlton de"eloped stron'er sense o& self. =e )e(me more wre o& !is

own desires nd &eelin's% w!i(! !e !d lerned to suppress# =e strted

de"elopin' opinions nd pre&eren(es# =e lso )e(me more sserti"e wit! !is

&t!er% employees% nd !is wi&e nd (!ildren# 2rti(ulrly% !e worked on

expressin' n'er, !e lerned to stte !is needs in (lm nd (ontrolled mnner#

Alt!ou'! !is wi&e nd (!ildren put up some minor resistn(e t t!e )e'innin'%

on(e t!ey re(o'ni4ed t!ey were losin' power% t!ey soon settled down# *n trut!%

t!ey liked !im )etter# T!ey wnted !im to )e stron'#

=e !d more di&&i(ult )ttle wit! !is &t!er# Alt!ou'! !is &t!er tried to

s7uel(! Crlton6s re)ellion nd ressert !is dominnt position% Crlton

dis(o"ered t!t !e !d more le"er'e wit! !is &t!er t!n !e reli4ed# W!en !e

t!retened to le"e t!e )usiness i& !is &t!er would not let !im



ssume more e7ul role% !is &t!er )(ked down# Crlton is now )e'innin' to tke

o"er mny o& !is &t!er6s responsi)ilities s !is &t!er prepres &or retirement# =e

!s lso dis(o"ered t!t !is &t!er !s new&ound respe(t &or !im#

T!is (se illustrtes t!e importn(e o& 'oin' )eyond 'ettin' in tou(! wit! our

&eelin's# Mny so8(lled experientil t!erpies% su(! s inner8(!ild work% pro"ide

"lu)le role in !elpin' us feel t!e links )etween w!t we experien(e in our dily

li"es tody nd w!t we &elt s (!ildren# ut t!ese ppro(!es rrely 'o &r enou'!#

2rti(ipnts o&ten &eel mu(! )etter &ter t!erpy sessions or works!ops% )ut t!ey

usully dri&t )(k to t!eir old ptterns 7ui(kly# T!e li&etrp ppro(! pro"ides

stru(tured )e!"iorl !omework ssi'nments nd (ontinul ron&ronttion to !elp

you mintin pro'ress#

T=E COGN*T*@E T=E3A2; 3E@OL<T*ON

Li&etrp t!erpy is n out'rowt! o& n ppro(! (lled (o'niti"e t!erpy% de"eloped

)y Dr# Aron e(k in t!e 1JIs# We !"e in(orported mny spe(ts o& t!is

tretment into t!e li&etrp ppro(!#

T!e )si( premise o& (o'niti"e t!erpy is t!t t!e wy wethin& )out e"ents in

our li"es /(o'nition0 determines !ow we fee; )out t!em /emotions0# 2eople wit!

emotionl pro)lems tend to distort relity# 9or exmple% =et!er ws tu'!t )y !er

mot!er to "iew e"erydy tsks su(! s ridin' su)wy s dn'erous# Li&etrps led

us to "iew (ertin kinds o& situtions in n in((urte mnner# T!ey pus! our

(o'niti"e )uttons#

Co'niti"e t!erpists )elie"e t!t i& we (n te(! ptients to )e(ome more

((urte )out t!e wy t!ey interpret situtions% we (n !elp t!em &eel )etter# *& we

(n s!ow =et!er t!t s!e (n tr"el on !er own wit!out mu(! dn'er% t!en s!e will

)e less &ri'!tened nd (n )e'in li"in' 'in#

Dr# e(k su''ests t!t we exmine our t!ou'!ts lo'i(lly# W!en we re upset%

re we ex''ertin'% personli4in'% (tstrop!i4in'% et( Do our t!ou'!ts relly

mke sense Are t!ere ot!er wys to look t t!e sitution 9urt!er% e(k sys we

s!ould test our ne'ti"e t!ou'!ts )y per&ormin' little experiments# 9or exmple% we

sked =et!er to wlk round t!e )lo(k lone durin' t!e winter to see t!t not!in'

!rm&ul would !ppen to !er% e"en t!ou'! s!e ws (on"in(ed s!e would 'et si(k or

)e mu''ed#

Co'niti"e t!erpy !s 'ined wide respe(t A lr'e% 'rowin' )ody o& reser(!

supports its e&&e(ti"eness wit! su(! disorders s nxiety nd

L*9ET3A2S 1 1

depression# *t is n (ti"e ppro(! t!t te(!es ptients to (ontrol t!eir own moods

)y (ontrollin' t!eir t!ou'!ts#Co'niti"e t!erpists usully (om)ine (o'niti"e met!ods wit! )e!"iorl

te(!ni7ues% w!i(! re desi'ned to te(! ptients pr(ti(l skills t!ey my ne"er

!"e lerned su(! s relxtion% sserr$"eness% nxiety mn'ement% pro)lem

sol"in'% time mn'ement% nd so(il skills#

=owe"er% we !"e &ound o"er t!e yers t!t (o'niti"e nd )e!"iorl

met!ods% w!ile in"lu)le% re not su&&i(ient to (!n'e li&elon' ptterns# T!us we

de"eloped t!e Li&etrp ppro(!% w!i(! (om)ines (o'niti"e nd )e!"iorl

te(!ni7ues wit! psy(!onlyti( nd experientil te(!ni7ues# Mdeline% t!e &inl

ptient we will dis(uss in t!is (!pter% demonstrtes )ot! t!e "lue nd limittion o&

usin' only (o'niti"e )e!"iorl met!ods#



1 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

MADEL*NE , A TWENT@8 N*=E8;EA3 8OLD ACT3ESS AND S*NGE3 # S=E WAS SE><ALL;

A<SED ; =E3 STE29AT=E3 % AND CON8TTNL*ES TO S<99E3 T=E E99ECTS# MADEL*NE *S

ST3LL 2LA;*NG O<T T=E M ISTRUST AND A<SE L*9ET3A2 #

T!e experien(e o& sexul )use )y !er step&t!er dm'ed !er sexulity nd

(p(ity &or intim(y wit! men# 9or !er% sex nd )use re inextri()ly mixed#

Now% Mdeline is )(k to "oidin' men# S!e !s not dted in mny yers nd

is worried t!t s!e will ne"er )e )le to mrry nd !"e (!ildren#

T!e &irst tretment Mdeline tried ws (on"entionl (o'niti"e t!erpy# =er

t!erpist &o(used on t!e present.on Mdeline6s (urrent "oidn(e o& men# *t ws

rre% &or exmple% &or Mdeline to dis(uss !er (!ild!ood in t!erpy# *nsted% s!e

nd !er t!erpist desi'ned !omework &or !er to do )etween sessions% su(! s

strikin' up (on"erstions wit! men or 'oin' to prties# T!e t!erpist !elped !er

&i'!t !er distorted t!ou'!ts% su(! s +Men re only out &or sex%+ )y skin' !er &or

exmples o& men s!e knew w!o were (rin' nd wnted intim(y#

T!erpy went on &or se"erl mont!s# Mdeline )e'n to dte 'in% )ut s!e

ws drwn to )usi"e men# Alt!ou'! s!e re(o'ni4ed t!t mny men were

(onsiderte% !er experien(e wit! )oy&riends did not )er t!is out# Mdeline reli4ed

s!e needed somet!in' more to (!n'e !er deeply in'rined pttern#

MADEL*NEF V felt 4&e m$ therapist as as&ing me to change ithout

un!erstan!ing h$ I tvas the a$ as. 3mean, I &no I have to change in

the a$s that she sai!, I have to start trusting men an! stop avoi!ing

c(seness. 8ut there are resons h$ I avoi! men. I nee! to un!erstan! hat

the$ are.

Mdeline )e(me n'ry t ny mn w!o seemed to ppro(! !er romnti8(liy# S!e

(ould see t!t t!e n'er ws t!e result o& distorted t!ou'!ts% )ut s!e still &elt it#

Mdeline needed to dire(t !er n'er towrd its true o)e(t. !er step&t!er# S!e

needed to express !er n'er nd !"e it "lidted#

Durin' t!e &irst yer nd !l& o& li&etrp t!erpy% we !elped Mdeline to

un(o"er !er memories o& )use t!rou'! im'ery# We pus!ed !er to "entilte !er

n'er t !er step&t!er nd to (on&ront !im wit! !er ((ustions# We en(our'ed

!er to oin support 'roup &or sur"i"ors o& in(est We lso s!owed !er !ow s!e

mintined !er pttern o& )use )y sele(tin' )usi"e )oy&riends#

Mdeline slowly resumed dtin'# Alt!ou'! s!e ws still ttr(ted to )usi"e

men% s!e styed wy &rom t!em t our insisten(e% &o(usin' insted on men w!o

treted !er respe(t&ully% e"en t!ou'! t!e (!emistry ws less intense# S!e worked on

!eman!ing respe(t% rt!er t!n le"in' it to t!e mn to 'i"e it to !er# S!e lerned to

sy +no#+

Mdeline !s ne"er !d lon'8term reltions!ip wit! mn# *nsted% s!e !s 'one &rom one extreme to t!eot!er eit!er s!e !s "oided men lto'et!er or s!e !s )een promis(uous#

<ntil s!e went to (olle'e% Mdeline "oided )oys#S!e ne"er dted or !d )oy&riend#

MADEL*NEF V never let a gu$ near me. I remem(er the first time a (o$

&isse! me. I ran aa$. 0hen I sense! that a (o$ 4&e! me, I acte! reaS$ col!

until he ent aa$.

in !er &irst two yers o& (olle'e% Mdeline strted drinkin' nd doin' dru's# Durin'

t!is period% s!e !d sex wit! more t!n t!irty men# +None o& t!em ment nyt!in'

to me%+ s!e sys#

MADEL*NEF I ent il! in college. I slept aroun!, #here as one fraternit$ here

ever$ gu$ in there ha! slept ith me. I teas misera(le. I felt cheap an! !irt$. I felt used# V 1ust coul!n5t sa$ no. Ioul! go out ith a gu$ an! en! up sleeping

ith him even though I ha! promise! m$self I oul!n5t. I figure! it as the

onl$ reason gu$s oul! go out ith me. I realt$ !on5t &no h$ I !i! it. #hat

hole lime as 1ust U&e running out of control.



<9ET3A2S 1

A)out yer lter s!e &ell in lo"e wit! en% 'entle% sensiti"e mn# E"en

wit! !im% !owe"er% s!e experien(ed serious sexul in!i)ition# en ws willin' to

work wit! !er to o"er(ome !er sexul di&&i(ulties# S!e is now (onsiderin'

mrri'e#

*n C!pter 1% we will pro"ide mny su''estions &or (!n'in' t!e Mistrust

nd A)use li&etrp# =owe"er% we wnt to emp!si4e t!t mny li&etrps% Mistrust

nd A)use in prti(ulr% rke lon' time to (!n'e nd s!ould )e ppro(!ed wit!

t!e !elp o& t!erpist or support 'roup#

Mdeline6s tretment illustrtes !ow li&etrp t!erpy retins t!e pr(ti(l &o(us

o& (o'niti"e nd )e!"iorl t!erpiesF it )uilds skills nd mkes (!n'es# ut we

re interested in more t!n s!ort8term )e!"ior modi&i(tion# We lso wnt to

ddress li&elon' issues% espe(illy di&&i(ulties in reltions!ips% sel&8esteem% nd

(reer pro)lems# We wnt to ddress )e!"ior% )ut we lso wnt to ddress t!e

wys t!t people feel nd relate.

T!e next (!pter )e'ins wit! 7uestionnire to !elp you dis(o"er w!i(!

li&etrps pply to you#



2 WHICH LIFETRAPS Do

-ouH AVE?

*n t!is (!pter% we will !elp you identi&y w!i(! li&etrps seem most pertinent to

$our li&e83te e(! o& t!e next twenty two sttements in terms o& !ow true e(! is

o& you on t!is six8point s(le#

SCO3*NG K E;

1 Completely untrue o& me

? Mostly untrue o& me

Sli'!tly more true t!n untrue o& me

B Modertely true o& me

Mostly true o& me

Des(ri)es me per&e(tly

9irst% rte !ow true t!e sttement ws o& you s chil!. *& your nswer would

)e di&&erent &or "rious times in your (!ild!ood% (!oose t!e rtin' t!t )est &its t!e

wy you &elt in 'enerl up until t!e 'e o& twel"e# T!en% rte !ow true e(! item is

o& you now% s n a!ult. *& your nswer would )e di&&erent &or "rious periods o&

your dult li&e% (!oose t!e rtin' t!t )est pplies to you in t!e pst six mont!s#

1 H



W=*C= L*9ET3A2S DO ;O< =A@E 1 1

1H# * &eel t!t * !"e no (!oi(e )ut to 'i"e in to ot!er people6s

wis!es, ot!erwise t!ey will retlite or ree(t me in some

wy#

1 1# 2eople see me s doin' too mu(! &or ot!ers nd not enou'!

&or mysel&#

1J# * try to do my )est# ) (n6t settle &or 'ood enou'!# * like to )e

num)er one t w!t * do#

?I# * !"e so mu(! to ((omplis! t!t t!ere is lmost no time to

relx nd relly enoy mysel&#

- ?1# * &eel t!t * s!ouldn6t !"e to &ollow t!e norml rules nd

(on"entions ot!er people do#

??# * (n6t seem to dis(ipline mysel& to (omplete routine% )orin'

tsks or to (ontrol my emotions#. -&!$ T&TAL S&*)AL E/*L!S)&0 S*&$E

/Add your s(ores to'et!er &or 7uestions 181G0

<S*NG T=E SCO3E S=EET

Now you re redy to trns&er your s(ores &rom t!e 7uestioiinire to t!e s(ore s!eet

T!e smple 7uestionnire nd smple s(ore s!eet )elow s!ow you !ow to do t!isF

s (!ildnowdes(riptionr

lVi V P6 , w1#* &ind mysel& (lin'in' to people *6m (lose to )e(use*6m &rid t!ey6ll le"e me#i ,V

/?#* worry lot t!t t!e people

* lo"e will &ind someone else t!ey pre&er nd le"e me#86A#* m usully on t!e lookout &or people6s ulterior moti"es,* don6t trust people esily#8# iB#* &ee: * (nnot let my 'urddown round ot!er people or t!ey will !urt me# P

li1##* worry more t!n t!e "er'e person )out dn'er . t!tlwill'etsi(kort!tsome!rmwill(ometorne#i#1 worry

t!t * /or my &mily0 will lose money nd )e(ome destituteor dependent on ot!ers#H#* do not &eel * (n (ope well )ymysel&% so * &eel * need ot!er people to !elp me 'et

)y#i&L##My prents nd * tend to )e o"erin"ol"ed in e(!ot!er6s li"es nd pro)lems#18$8J#* !"e not !d someone tonurture me% s!re !imV !ersel& wit! me% or (re deeply)out w!t !ppens to mei1I# 2eople !"e not )een t!ere tomeet my emotionl needs &or understndin'% empt!y%'uidn(e% d"i(e% nd support#11# * &eel like * do not )elon'#* m di&&erent# * do not relly &it in#11?# *6m dull nd )orin'F* don6t know w!t to sy so(illy#1# No one * desire w!oknew t!e rel me.wit! ll my de&e(ts exposed.(ouldlo"e me#X1B#* m s!med o& mysel&, * m unwort!y o& t!elo"e% ttention% nd respe(t o& ot!ers#11#* m not sintelli'ent or (p)le s most people w!en it (omes to work/or s(!ool0#1# * o&ten &eel inde7ute )e(use * do notmesure up to ot!ers in terms o& tlent% intelli'en(e% ndsu((ess# Y

T=E <9ET3A2

<EST*ONNA*3E



W=*C= L*9ET3A2S DO ;O< =A@E 1 1J

SAMPLE QUESTIONNAIRE ITEMSAS A C=*LD NOW DESC3*2T*ON

3 1 1#1 &ind mysel& (lin'in' to people *6m (lose to )e(use

*6m &rid t!ey6ll le"e me#

5 4- ?#1 worry lot t!t t!e people * lo"e will &ind someone

else t!ey pre&er nd le"e me#

SAM2LE O9 MATC=*NG SCO3E S=EET

1 <9ET3A2 C=$LD NOW C=*LD NOW =*G=EST SCO3E

A)ndonme nt 12 ( 1 t ?2 3 ?2 4 =

uestions 1 nd ? re )ot! prt o& t!e A)ndonment li&etrp# Let+ s strt wit!

uestion 1# Tke your s(ore &or t!is item s chil! nd trns&er it to t!e )ox ust to

t!e ri'!t o& t!e word AANDONMENT on t!e s(ore s!eet% next to t!e num)er 1

/under t!e hil! (olumn0# Now tke your s(ore &or t!is item no /s n dult0 nd

trns&er it to t!e next )ox 1 /under t!e 6o (olumn0#

Next% look t your s(ore &or 7uestion 5 s chil!. Trns&er it to )ox 5, under t!e C!ild (olumn# T!en tke your s(ore &or 7uestion5 no nd trns&er it to t!e next

)ox ?% under t!e Now (olumn#

Look t ll &our o& your s(ores &or t!e A)ndonment li&etrp# W!i(! one is

!i'!est Trns&er your !i'!est s(ore /1%?%% B%% or 0 into t!e lst )ox on t!e

A)ndonment row# *& your !i'!est s(ore is B%% or % put (!e(k mrk in t!e &irst

(olumn# T!is V mens t!t A)ndonment is pro))ly one o& your s(!ems# *& your

!i'!est s(ore is 1%?% or % le"e t!e )ox )lnk# T!is mens A)ndonment is pro))ly

not one o& your s(!ems#

Now 'o !ed nd &ill in t!e rest o& t!e s(ore s!eet in t!e sme wy#

L*9ET3A2S CO3E S=EET

t @

<9ET3A2 C=*LD NOW C=*LD NOW =*G=EST SCO3E

A)ndonment 1# 1# P ?# ?# P

Mistrust nd )use # F # 1 B# % B#

@ulner)ility # # + # #

/ ' Dependen(e H# H# # PP

i- Emotionl depri"tion J# J# 1I# 1I#

So(il ex(lusion 11# <# # 1?# 1?#

De&e(ti"eness 1# 1# 1B# 8, 1B#

9ilure 61# 1# 1# 1#

Su)u'tion 1H# 1H# 1# 1#

<nrelentin' stndrds 1J# 1J# ?I# ?I#

Entitlement ?1# ?1# ??# ??# s

*NTE323ET*NG ;O<3 SCO3ES

We will now des(ri)e e(! o& t!e ele"en li&etrps )rie&ly% ust enou'! to (7uint

you wit! e(! one# 3e&er to your s(ore s!eetF e(! li&etrp wit! V next to it is likely

to pply to you# Nturlly% t!e !i'!er your s(ores &or e(! ii&etrp% t!e more

power&ul it pro))ly is &or you% nd t!e more imp(t it pro))ly !s !d on your

li&e# ;ou will wnt to red more )out e(! o& t!e rele"nt li&etrps lter% &ter you

!"e &inis!ed t!e introdu(tory (!pters#

*& you re unsure )out w!et!er li&etrp pplies to you or someone (lose to

you% do not worry )out tryin' to )e sure now# W!en you 'et to t!e (!pter de"oted

to e(! li&etrp% we will 'i"e you mu(! more detiled test you (n tke to )e sure

t!t it &its#

T=E ELE@EN L*9ET3A2S% 3*E9L;



W=*C= L*9ET3A2S DO ;O< =A@E 1 ?I

Two li&etrps relte to l(k o& s&ety or se(urity in your (!ild!ood &mily# T!ese

re 7(an!onment nd 2istrust.

Q AANDONMENT Q

T!e 7 (an!omnent li&etrp is t!e &eelin' t!t t!e people you lo"e will le"e you%

nd you will end up emotionlly isolted &ore"er# W!et!er you &eel people (lose to

you will die% le"e !ome &ore"er% or )ndon you )e(use t!ey pre&er someone else%

some!ow you &eel t!t you will )e le&t lone# e(use o& t!is )elie&% you my (lin'

to people (lose to you too mu(!# *roni(lly% you end up pus!in' t!em wy# ;ou

my 'et "ery upset or n'ry )out e"en norml seprtions#

5 M*ST3<ST AN A<SE Q

T!e 2istrust an! 7(use li&etrp is t!e expe(ttion t!t people will !urt or )use you

in some wy.t!t t!ey will (!et% lie to% mnipulte% !umilite% p!ysi(lly !rm% or

ot!erwise tke d"nt'e o& you# *& you !"e t!is li&etrp% you !ide )e!ind wll o&

mistrust to prote(t yoursel&# ;ou ne"er let people 'et too (lose# ;ou re suspi(ious

o& ot!er people6s intentions% nd tend to ssume t!e worst ;ou expe(t t!t t!e people

you lo"e will )etry you# Eit!er you "oid reltions!ips lto'et!er% &orm super&i(il

reltions!ips in w!i(! you do not relly open up to ot!ers% or you &orm reltions!ips

wit! people w!o tret you )dly nd t!en &eel n'ry nd "en'e&ul towrd t!em#

Two li&etrps relte to your )ility to &un(tion independently in t!e world# T!ese

li&etrps re %epen!ence nd >ulnera(ilit$.

Q DE2ENDENCE Q

t& you re (u'!t in t!e %epen!ence li&etrp% you &eel un)le to !ndle e"erydy li&e

in (ompetent mnner wit!out (onsider)le !elp &rom ot! ers# ;ou depend on ot!ers

to (t s (rut(! nd need (onstnt support As (!ild you were mde to &eel

in(ompetent w!en you tried to ssert your independen(e# As n dult% you seek out

stron' &i'ures upon w!om to )e(ome dependent nd llow t!em to rule your li&e# At

work% you s!rink &rom (tin' on your own# Needless to sy% t!is !olds you )(k#

Q @ui6)E$A"n7T- 8

Wit! >ulnera(ilit$, you li"e in &er t!t disster is )out to strike. w!et!er nturl%

(riminl% medi(l% or &inn(il# ;ou do not &eel safe in t!e world# *& you !"e t!isli&etrp% s (!ild you were mde to &eel t!t t!e world is dn'erous pl(e# ;ou

were pro))ly o"erprote(ted )y your prents% w!o worried too mu(! )out your

s&ety# ;our &ers re e?cessive nd unrealistic, yet you let t!em (ontrol your li&e%

nd pour your ener'y into mkin' sure t!t you re s&e# ;our &ers my re"ol"e

round illnessF !"in' n nxiety tt(k% 'ettin' A*DS% or 'oin'cra$. T!ey my )e

&o(used round &inn(il "ulner)ilityF 'oin' )roke nd endin' up on t!e streets#

;our "ulner)ility my re"ol"e round ot!er p!o)i( situtions% su(! s &er o&

&lyin'% )ein' mu''ed% or ert!7ukes#

Two li&etrps relte to t!e stren't! o& your emotionl (onne(tions to ot!ersF

Emotional %eprivation nd Social E?clusion.

Q EMOT*ONAL DE23*@AT*ON Q

Emotional %eprivation is t!e )elie& t!t your need &or lo"e will ne"er )e met

de7utely )y ot!er people# ;ou &eel t!t no one truly (res &or you or understnds

!ow you &eel ;ou &ind yoursel& ttr(ted to (old nd un'i"in' people% or you re

(old nd un'i"in' yoursel&% ledin' you to &orm reltions!ips t!t ine"it)ly pro"e

unstis&yin'# ;ou &eel cheate!, nd you lternte )etween )ein' n'ry )out it nd

&eelin' !urt nd lone# *roni(lly% your n'er ust dri"es people &urt!er wy%ensurin' your (ontinued depri"tion#

W!en ptients wit! emotionl depri"tion (ome to see us &or t!erpy sessions%

t!ere is loneliness )out t!em t!t stys wit! us e"en &ter t!ey !"e le&t t!e

o&&i(e# *t is 7ulity o& emptiness% o& emotionl dis(onne(tion# T!ese re people

w!o do not know w!t lo"e is#



W=*C= L*9ET3A2S DO ;O< =A@E 1 ?1

Q SOC*AL E>CL<S*ON Q

Social E?clusion in"ol"es your (onne(tion to &riends nd 'roups# )t !s to do wit!

&eelin' isolted &rom t!e rest o& t!e world% wit! &eelin'!ifferent. U you !"e t!is

li&etrp% s (!ild you &elt ex(luded )y peers# ;ou did not )elon' to 'roup o&

&riends# 2er!ps you !d some unusul (!r(teristi( t!t mde you &ed di&&erent in

some wy# As n dult% you mintin your li&etrp minly t!rou'! "oidn(e ;ou

"oid so(ili4in' in 'roups nd mkin' &riends#

;ou my !"e &elt ex(luded )e(use t!ere ws somet!in' )out you t!t ot!er

(!ildren ree(ted# =en(e you &elt so(illyun!esira(le. As n dult you my &eel t!t

you re u'ly% sexully undesir)le% low in sttus% poor in ( on"erstionl skills%

)orin'% or ot!erwise de&i(ient ;ou reen(t your (!ild!ood ree(tion.you &eel nd

(t in&erior in so(il situtions# 8

*t is not lwys pprent t!t someone !s So(il Ex(lusion li&etrp# Mny

people wit! t!is li&etrp re 7uite (om&ort)le in intimte settin's nd re 7uite

so(illy skilled# T!eir li&etrp my not sho in one8to8one reltions!ips# *t

sometimes surprises us to reli4e !ow nxious nd loo& t!ey my &eel t prties% in

(lsses% t meetin's% or t work# T!ey !"e restless 7ulity% 7ulity o& lookin' &or

pl(e to )elon'#

T!e two li&etrps t!t relte to your sel&8esteem re %efectiveness nd @ailure.

5 DE9ECT*@ENESS Q

Wit! %efectiveness, you &eel inar!l$ &lwed nd de&e(ti"e# ;ou )elie"e t!t you

would )e &undmentlly unlo")le to nyone w!o 'ot (lose enou'! to relly know

you# ;our de&e(ti"eness would )e exposed# As (!ild% you did not &eel respe(ted &or

w!o you were in your &mily# *nsted% you were (riti(i4ed &or your +&lws#+ ;ou

)lmed yoursel&.you &elt unwort!y o& lo"e# As n dult% you re &rid o& lo"e#

;ou &ind it di&&i(ult to )elie"e t!t people dose to you "lue you% so you expe(t

ree(tion# 6

Q 9A*L<3E Q

@ailure is t!e )elie& t!t you re inde7ute in res o& (!ie"ement% su(! s s(!ool%

work% nd sports# ;ou )elie"e you !"e &iled relti"e to your peers# As (!ild% you

were mde to &eel in&erior in terms o& (!ie"ement# ;ou my !"e !d lernin'

dis)ility% or you my ne"er !"e lerned enou'! dis(ipline to mster importnt

skills% su(! s redin'# Ot!er (!ildren were lwys )etter t!n you# ;ou were (lled

+stupid%+ +untlented%+ or +l4y#+ As n dult% you mintin your li&etrp )y

ex''ertin' t!e de'ree o& your &ilure nd )y (tin' in wys t!t ensure your

(ontinued &ilure#

Two li&etrps del wit! Sel&8Expression.your )ility to express w!t you wnt nd

'et your true needs metF Su(1ugation nd Unrelenting Stan!ar!s.

Q S<$<GAT*ON Q

Wit! Su(1ugation, you s(ri&i(e your own needs nd desires &or t!e ske o& plesin'

ot!ers or meetin' t!eir needs# ;ou llow ot!ers to (ontrol you# ;ou do t!is eit!er out

o& guiltA t!t you !urt ot!er people )y puttin' yoursel& &irst.or fear t!t you will

)e punis!ed or )ndoned i& you diso)ey# As (!ild% someone (lose to you%

pro))ly prent% su)u'ted you# As n dult% you repetedly enter reltions!ips

wit! dominnt (ontrollin' people nd su)u'te yoursel& to t!em or you enter

reltions!ips wit! needy people w!o re too dm'ed to 'i"e )(k to you in return#

Q < N3ELENT*NG STANDA3DS Q

*& you re in t!e Unrelenting Stan!ar!s li&etrp% you stri"e relentlessly to meet

extremely !i'! expe(ttions o& yoursel&# ;ou pl(e ex(essi"e emp!sis on sttus%

money% (!ie"ement )euty% order% or re(o'nition t t!e expense o& !ppiness%

plesure% !elt!% sense o& ((omplis!ment% nd stis&yin' reltions!ips# ;ou

pro))ly pply your ri'id stndrds to ot!er people s well nd re "ery ud'mentl#



W=*C= L*9ET3A2S DO ;O< =A@E 1 ??

W!en you were (!ild% you were e xpe(ted to )e t!e )est% nd you were tu'!t t!t

nyt!in' else ws &ilure# ;ou lerned t!t not!in' you did ws 7uite 'ood enou'!#

Q E NT*TLEMENT Q

T!e &inl li&etrp% Entitlement, is sso(ited wit! t!e )ility to ((ept relisti( limits

in li&e# 2eople w!o !"e t!is li&etrp &eel special. T!ey insist

t!t t!ey )e )le to do% sy% or !"e w!te"er t!ey wnt immeditely# T!ey

disre'rd w!t ot!ers (onsider reson)le% w!t is (tully &esi)le% t!e time or

ptien(e usully re7uired% nd t!e (ost to ot!ers# T!ey !"e di&&i (ulty wit! sel&8

dis(ipline#

Mny o& t!e people wit! t!is li&etrp were spoiled s (!ildren# T!ey were not

re7uired to s!ow sel&8(ontrol or to ((ept t!e restri(tions pl(ed on ot!er (!ildren#

As dults% t!ey still 'et "ery n'ry w!en t!ey do not 'et w!t t!ey wnt#

Now you !"e n ide o& w!i(! li&etrps pply to you# T!e next (!pter will tell

you )out w!ere li&etrps (ome &rom.!ow we de"elop t!em s (!ildren#

3

UNDERSTANDING LIFETRAPS

Li&etrps !"e t!ree (entrl &etures t!t llow us to re(o'ni4e t!em#

3ECSN TR*NG Lr9ET3A2S

1#T!ey re li&elon' patterns or themes.

?#T!ey re self'!estructive.

#T!ey struggle for survival.

As we sid in t!e &irst (!pter% li&etrp is pttern or t!eme t!t strts in

(!ild!ood nd repets t!rou'!out li&e# T!e t!eme mi'!t )e A)ndonment or

Mistrust or Emotionl Depri"tion or ny o& t!e ot!ers we des(ri)ed# T!e end

result is t!t% s n dult% e manage to recreate the con!itions of cur chil!hoo!

thai ere most harmful to us.

7 li&etrp is sel&8destru(ti"e# T!is sel&8de&etin' 7ulity is w!t mkes

li&etrps so poi'nnt &or us s t!erpists to wt(!# We see someone like 2tri(k 'et

)ndoned again, or someone like Mdeline 'et )used# 2tients re drwn to

situtions t!t tri''er t!eir li&etrps% like mot!s to &lme# A li&etrp dm'es our

sense o& sel&% our !elt!% our reltions!ips wit! ot!ers% our work% our !ppiness% our

moods.it tou(!es e"ery spe(t o& our li"es#

A li&etrp stru''les !rd &or sur"i"l# We &eel stron' pus! to mintin it T!is

is prt o& t!e !umn dri"e &or (onsisten(y# T!e li&etrp is w!t we know# Alt!ou'! it

is pin&ul% it is (om&ort)le nd &milir# *t is t!ere&ore "ery di&&i(ult to (!n'e#

9urt!ermore% our li&etrps were usully de"eloped w!en we were (!ildren s

pproprite a!aptations to t!e &mily we li"ed in# T!ese ptterns were relisti(

w!en we were (!ildren, t!e pro)lem is t!t we (ontinue to repet t!em w!en t!ey

no lon'er ser"e use&ul purpose#

=OW L*9ET3A2S DE@ELO2

A num)er o& &(tors (ontri)ute to t!e de"elopment o& li&etrps# T!e &irst is

temperment Temperment is in)orn# *t is our emotionl mkeup% t!e wy we re

ire! to respond to e"ents#



W=*C= L*9ET3A2S DO ;O< =A@E 1 ?

Like ot!er in)orn trits% temperment "ries# *t lso (o"ers rn'e o&

emotions# =ere re some exmples o& trits we )elie"e my )e lr'ely in!erited#

2OSS*LE D*MENS*ONS O9 TEM2E9WMENT

S!y Out'oin'

2ssi"e U8Z A''ressi"e

Emotionlly 9lt Emotionlly *ntense

Anxious 9erless

Sensiti"e *n"ulner)le

;ou mi'!t t!ink o& your temperment s t!e (om)intion o& your lo(tions on ll o&

t!ese dimensions% nd ot!ers we do not yet know o& or understnd#

O& (ourse% )e!"ior is in&luen(ed )y en"ironment s well# A s&e nd nurturin'

m"ironment my mke e"en s!y (!ild relti"ely out'oin', nd% i& t!in's 'et )denou'!% e"en relti"ely in"ulner)le (!ild (n )e )eten down#

=eredity nd en"ironment s!pe nd in&luen(e us# T!is is true /lt!ou'! to

lesser de'ree0 e"en o& trits t!t seem purely p!ysi(l% su(! s !ei'!t We re )orn

wit! potentil &or (ertin !ei'!t% nd w!et!er we re(! t!t potentil depends in

prt on our en"ironment.w!et!er we re well &ed% !"e !elt!y en"ironment% et(

T!e roost importnt erly in&luen(e in our en"ironment is our &mily# To

lr'e extent% t!e dynmi(s o& our &mily were t!e dynmi(s o& our erly world#

W!en we reen(t li&etrp% w!t we re reen(tin' is lmost lwys drm &rom

our (!ild!ood &mily# 9or exmple% 2tri(k reen(ts w!t !ppened to !im% !is

)ndonment )y !is mot!er% nd Mdeline reen(ts )ein' )used#

*n most (ses t!e in&luen(e o& &mily is stron'est t )irt! nd pro'ressi"ely

de(lines s t!e (!ild 'rows up# Ot!er in&luen(es )e(ome importnt. peers% s(!ool%

et#.)ut t!e &mily remins t!e priml sitution# Li&etrps de"elop w!en erly

(!ild!ood en"ironments re destru(ti"e =ere re some exmplesF

E>AM2LES O9 DEST3<CT*@E EA3L; E N@*3ONMENTS

P 1# One o& your prents ws )usi"e% nd t!e ot!er ws pssi"e nd !elpless#

?# ;our prents were emotionlly distnt nd !d !i'! expe(ttions

&or (!ie"ement

#;our prents &ou'!t ll t!e time# ;ou were (u'!t in t!e middle#

B#One prent ws si(k or depressed nd t!e ot!er ws )sent# ;ou

)e(me t!e (retker#

# ;ou )e(me enmes!ed wit! prent# ;ou were expe(ted to (t s

su)stitute spouse#

# A prent ws p!o)i( nd o"erprote(ted you% T!is prent ws

&rid to )e lone nd (lun' to you#

H#;our prents (riti(i4ed you# Not!in' ws e"er 'ood enou'!

#;our prents o"erindul'ed you# T!ey did not set limits#

J#;ou were ree(ted )y peers% or &elt di&&erent#

=eredity nd en"ironment inter(t T!e destru(ti"e in&luen(es o& our (!ild!ood

inter(ted wit! our spe(i&i( temperment in t!e &ormtion o& our li&etrps# Our

temperment my prtilly determine !ow we were treted )y our prents# 9or

exmple% o&ten only one (!ild in &mily is sin'led out &or )use# And our

temperment prtilly determines !ow we responded to t!t tretment# Gi"en t!e

sme en"ironment% two (!ildren (n re(t "ery di&&erently# ot! mi'!t )e )used%

)ut one )e(omes pssi"e nd t!e ot!er &i'!ts )(k#

W=AT A C=*LD NEEDS TO T=3*@E

Our (!ild!ood does not !"e to )e per&e(t &or us to )e reson)ly well8dusted

dults# *t ust !s to )e% s D# W# Winni(ott sid% +'ood enou'!#+ A (!ild !s (ertin

(ore needs &or )si( s&ety% (onne(tion to ot!ers% utonomy% sel&8esteem% sel&8



W=*C= L*9ET3A2S DO ;O< =A@E 1 ?B

expression% nd relisti( limits# *& t!ese re met% t!en t!e (!ild will usully t!ri"e

psy(!olo'i(lly# *t is w!en t!ere re serious s!ort&lls in meetin' t!e (!ild6s needs

t!t pro)lems de"elop# T!ese s!ort&lls re w!t we men )y li&etrps#

W=AT WE NEED TO T==L@E

1# si( S&ety

?# Conne(tion to Ot!ers

# Autonomy

B# Sel&8Esteem

# Sel&8Expression

# 3elisti( Limits

Q AS*C SA9ET; /L*9ET3A2SF 7 874%O62S B# AND 2 IS#RUS# 76% 7 8USE ) C

Some li&etrps re more (ore t!n ot!ers# si( S&ety li&etrps re t!e most (ore#

T!ey )e'in erly# E"en n in&nt (n !"e t!em# To n in&nt% &eelin' s&e is)solutely (entrl *t is mtter o& li&e nd det!#

si( S&ety li&etrps in"ol"e (!ild6s tretment )yhis or her on famil$. T!e

t!ret o& )ndonment or )use (omes &rom t!ose w!o re most intimte.&rom

t!ose w!o re supposed to lo"e us% tke (re o& us% nd prote(t us#

2eople w!o were )used or )ndoned s (!ildren re t!e most dm'ed#

T!ere is now!ere t!ey &eel s&e# T!ey &eel t!t t ny moment somet!in' terri)le

mi'!t !ppen.someone t!ey lo"e mi'!t !urt t!em or le"e t!em# T!ey &eel

"ulner)le nd &r'ile# *t tkes "ery little to disrupt t!eir e7uili)rium% T!eir moods

re intense nd errti(% nd t!ey re impulsi"e nd sel&8destru(ti"e#

A (!ild needs se(ure% st)le &mily en"ironment *n s&e !ome% prents re

predi(t)ly "il)le# T!ey re p!ysi(lly nd emotionlly t!ere &or t!e (!ild# No

one is )ein' mistreted# 9i'!tin' is wit!in normi )ounds# No one dies or le"es t!e

(!ild lone &or lon' periods#

2tri(k% t!e mn w!ose wi&e kept !"in' &&irs% did not !"e st)le !ome s

(!ild# =is mot!er ws n l(o!oli(

2AT3*CKF Some nights she !i!n5t even come home. She 1ust oul!n5t sho up. 7n!

e5! all &no here she ivas, though no one oul! tal& a(out it. 7n! hen

site ws home, it !i!n5t matter. She as either !run&, hung over, or getting

!run&.

i& you !d prent w!o ws se"ere l(o!oli(% t!en your need &or s&ety ws

lmost (ertinly not &ully met#

We mi'!t sy t!t 2tri(k% s n dult% is a!!icte! to inst)ility# <nst)le

situtions drw !im like m'net# 2rti(ulrly% !e &eels lot o& ttr(tion to

unst)le women# =e &eels lot o& chemistr$. T!ese re t!e women wit! w!om !e

&lls in lo"e#

A (!ild w!o &eels s&e (n relx nd trust A (ore &eelin' o& s&ety underlies

e"eryt!in'# Wit!out t!t &eelin'% little else is possi)le# We (nnot pro(eed to ot!er

de"elopmentl tsks# So mu(! ener'y is tken up wit! worryin' )out s&ety issues

t!t t!ere is little le&t#

<ns&e (!ild!ood situtions re t!e most dn'erous to repet ;ou end up

rus!in' !edlon' &rom one sel&8destru(ti"e reltions!ip to not!er# Or you "oid

reltions!ips lto'et!er% like Mdeline did in !er post8(olle'e yers#

Q CONNECT*ON TO OT=E3S /L*9ET3A2SF E 2O#IO67L % ED:I>7##O: AND

S OI7L E LUSIO6 ) C

To de"elop sense o& (onne(tion% we need lo"e% ttention% empt!y% respe(t%

&&e(tion% understndin'% nd 'uidn(e We need t!ese t!in's &rom )ot! our &milynd our peers#

T!ere re two &orms o& (onne(tion to ot!ers# T!e &irst in"ol"es intimac$.

<sully intimte reltions!ips re t!ose wit! &mily% lo"ers% nd "ery 'ood &riends#

T!ey re our (losest emotionl ties# *n our most intimte reltions!ips% we &eel t!e

kind o& (onne(tion t!t one &eels wit! mot!er or &t!er# T!e se(ond &orm in"ol"es

our social (onne(tions# T!is is sense o& (elonging, o& &ittin' into t!e lr'er so(il



W=*C= L*9ET3A2S DO ;O< =A@E 1 ?

world# So(il reltions!ips re t!ose wit! (ir(les o& &riends nd wit! 'roups in t!e

(ommunity#

Conne(tion pro)lems (n )e su)tle# ;ou (n look like you &it in per&e(tly well#

;ou mi'!t !"e &mily% lo"ed ones% or )e prt o& t!e ( ommunity# ;et% deep down

you &eel dis(onne(ted# ;ou &eel lone% nd lon' &or kind o& reltions!ip t!t you

do not !"e# Only someone stute would noti(e t!t you re not relly (onne(tin'

wit! t!e people round you# ;ou keep people t little )it o& distn(e# ;ou do not

let nyone (ome too



? 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L $ 9 E

(lose# Or your pro)lems my )e more extreme# ;ou my )e loner. person w!o

!s lwys )een lone#

$ed% t!e mn des(ri)ed in t!e &irst (!pter w!o is disstis&ied wit! one womn

&ter not!er% !s serious intim(y pro)lems# =erecoils &rom intim(y# =e keeps

e"en !is (losest reltions!ips super&i(il# W!en !e &irst strted t!erpy% !e (ould not

nme sin'le person to w!om !e &elt (lose#

$ed 'rew up in n emotionl "(uum# =e )rely knew !is &t!er% nd !is

mot!er ws (old nd distnt T!ere ws no (ommuni(tion o& &eelin's nd no

p!ysi(l &&e(tion# We sy t!ere re t!ree types o& (!ild!ood depri"tion,

nurturn(e% empt!y% nd 'uidn(e# $ed ws depri"ed o& ll t!ree#

*& you !"e (onne(tion pro)lems% t!en loneliness is n issue &or you# ;ou my

&eel t!t no one relly knows you deeply nd (res )out you [t!e Emotionl

Depri"tion li&etrp0# Or you my &eel isolted &rom t!e world% t!t you do not &it in

nyw!ere /t!e So(il Ex(lusion li&etrp0# *t is &eelin' o& emptiness. !un'er &or

(onne(tion#

Q A<TONOM;F * NDE2ENDENT 9<NCT*ON*NG /L$9ETKA2SF % EDE6%E6E AND

>>U0I78SU#Y ) C

Autonomy is t!e )ility to seprte &rom our prents nd &un(tion independently in

t!e world% (ompr)le to ot!er people our own 'e# *t is t!e )ility to le"e t!e

!ouse% !"e li&e% n identity% nd 'ols nd dire(tions o& our own t!t re not

solely dependent on t!e support or dire(tion o& our prents# *t is t!e )ility to (t s

n indi"idul.to !"e self.

*& you 'rew up in &mily t!t &ostered utonomy% t!en your prents tu'!t

you sel&8su&&i(ien(y skills% en(our'ed you to ((ept responsi)ility% nd tu'!t you

to exer(ise 'ood ud'ment T!ey en(our'ed you to "enture into t!e outside world

nd inter(t wit! peers# 3t!er t!n o"er8prote(tin' you% t!ey tu'!t you t!t t!e

world is s&e nd !ow to keep yoursel& s&e in it T!ey en(our'ed you to de"elop seprte identity#

=owe"er% you my !"e !d more un!elt!y (!ild!ood en"ironment% one

t!t &ostered dependen(e nd &usion# ;our prents my not !"e tu'!t you sel&8

relin(e skills# *nsted% t!ey my !"e done e"eryt!in' &or you% nd undermined

your ttempts to do t!in's on your own# T!ey my !"e tu'!t you t!t t!e world is

dn'erous% nd (onstntly wrned you )out dn'er nd possi)le illness# T!ey my

!"e kept you &rom pursuin' your nturl in(lintions# T!ey my !"e tu'!t you

t!t you (nnot rely on your own ud'ment or de(isions to 'et )y in t!e world#

=et!er% t!e womn in C!pter 1 wit! numerous p!o)is% ws o"erprote(ted s

(!ild# =er prents (onstntly wrned !er )out dn'er )e(use t!ey were (onstntly

worried )out dn'er t!emsel"es# T!ey tu'!t !er to &eelvulnera(le in t!e world#

=et!er6s prents were not ill8intentioned# 3t!er% t!ey were &er&ul t!emsel"es

nd were tryin' to prote(t !er# T!is is o&ten t!e (se# 2rentsho o"erprote(t t!eir

(!ildren (n )e 7uite lo"in'# =et!er !s t!e @ulner)ility li&etrp# =er )ility to )e

utonomous in t!e world is impired )e(use s!e is too &rid to 'o out into t!e

world nd do t!in's#

9eelin' safe enou'! to "enture into t!e world is one spe(t o& utonomy#

9eelin' competent to (ope wit! e"erydy tsks nd !"in' seprte sense o& self

re ot!er spe(ts# T!ese lst two !"e more to do wit! t!e Dependen(e li&etrp#

Wit! Dependen(e% you &il to de"elop sense o& (ompeten(e )out your )ilityto &un(tion in t!e world# 2er!ps your prents were o"erpro8te(trreF t!ey mde your

de(isions &or you% nd !ndled your responsi)ilities# T!ey my e"en !"e su)tly

undermined you% (riti(i4in' you w!ene"er you stru(k out on your own# As

(onse7uen(e% s n dult you &eel un)le to (ope e&&e(ti"ely on your own wit!out

t!e 'uidn(e% d"i(e% nd &inn(il support o& people w!o you &eel re stron'er nd

wiser t!n you# E"en i& you le"e your prents.ndman$ ne"er le"e t!eir prents

.you ust 'et into reltions!ip wit! not!er prentl &i'ure ;ou &ind prtner or

)oss w!o (n ser"e s prent su)stitute#

Dependent people o&ten !"e nun!evelope! or enmeshe! sense o& sel&# T!eir

identities mer'e wit! t!e identities o& t!eir prents or spouses# T!e stereotype is t!e

wi&e w!o )e(omes (ompletely )sor)ed in !er !us)nd6s li&e nd loses t!e sense o&

!er own identity# S!e does e"eryt!in' !er !us)nd wnts !er to do# S!e does not

!"e &riends o& !er own% interests o& !er own% or opinions o& !er own# W!en s!e

tlks% s!e tlks )out !er !us)nd6s li&e#

9eelin' s&e enou'! to "enture into t!e world% &eelin' (ompetent% de"elopin'

stron' sense o& sel&.t!ese re t!e (omponents o& utonomy#

Q SELK 8ESTEEM /L*9ET3A2S, % E@E#I>E6ESS AND @ 7ILURE ) C

Sel&8esteem is t!e &eelin' t!t we re wort!w!ile in our personl% so(il% nd work

li"es# *t (omes &rom &eelin' lo"ed nd respe(ted s (!ild in our &mily% )y &riends%

nd t s(!ool#

*delly we would ll !"e !d (!ild!oods t!t support our sel&8esteem# We

would !"e &elt lo"ed nd ppre(ited )y our &mily% ((epted )y peers% nd



?H 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L $ 9 E

su((ess&ul t s(!ool We would !"e re(ei"ed prise nd en(our'ement wit!out

ex(essi"e (riti(ism or ree(tion#

ut t!is my not !"e )een w!t !ppened to you# 2er!ps you !d prent

or si)lin' w!o (onstntly (riti(i4ed you% so t!t not!in' you did ws ((ept)le#

;ou &elt un(va(&. 2er!ps you were ree(ted )y peers# T!ey mde you &eel

undesir)le# Or my)e you &elt like &ilure in s(!ool or sports#

As n dult% you my &eel inse(ure )out (ertin spe(ts o& your li&e# ;ou l(k

sel&8(on&iden(e in t!e res w!ere you &eel "ulner)le.intimte reltions!ips%

so(il situtions% or work# Wit!in your "ulner)le res% you &eel in&erior to ot!er

people# ;ou re !ypersensiti"e to (riti(ism nd ree(tion# C!llen'es mke you "ery

nxious# ;ou eit!er "oid (!llen'es or !ndle t!em poorly#

T!e two li&etrps in t!e Sel& Esteem relm re De&e(ti"eness nd 9ilure# T!ey

(orrespond to &eelin's o& unwort!iness in t!e personl nd work relms# T!e 9ilure

li&etrp in"ol"es &eelin' o& inde7u(y in t!e relm o& (!ie"ement nd work *t is

t!e sense t!t you re less su((ess&ul% tlented% or intelli'ent t!n your peers#

T!e De&e(ti"eness li&etrp in"ol"es t!e sense t!t you re in!erently &lwed.

t!t t!e more deeply someone knows you% t!e less lo")le you re# T!e

De&e(ti"eness li&etrp o&ten ((ompnies ot!er li&etrps# O& t!e &i"e ptients we

listed in t!e &irst (!pter% t!ree.Mdeline% $ed% nd Crlton. !d t!e

De&e(ti"eness li&etrp in ddition to t!eir prirnry li&etrps#

Mdeline is t!e ptient w!o ws sexully )used )y !er step&t!er# *t is "ery

(ommon &or Mistrust nd A)use nd De&e(ti"eness to 'o !nd in !nd# C!ildren

lmost lwys )lme t!emsel"es &or )use% &eelin' t!t t!ey must )e "ery )d% or

unwort!y o& lo"e% to deser"e t!e )use#

$ed% t!e mn w!o )e(omes in"ol"ed wit! one womn &ter not!er% !s

pro&ound &eelin's o& de&e(ti"eness# =e (o"ers up t!ese &eelin's )y doptin'

superior% loo& ttitude# And Crlton% t!e people8pleser% &eels de&e(ti"e s well# 2rt

o& t!e reson Crlton denies !is own needs is t!t !e &eels !e is not wort! more#

*nuries to our sel&8esteem (use us to &eelSHAME . S!me is t!e predominntemotion in t!is relm# *& you !"e t!e De&e(ti"eness or 9ilure li&etrp% t!en you

li"e li&e &illed wit! s!me )out w!o you re

Q SEL98E>9EESS*OK /L*9ET3A2SF S U8<UF7#IO6 AND U :RELE6#8 G F

S #76%7R%S ) C

Sel&8expression is t!e &reedom to express oursel"es.our needs% &eelin's /in(ludin'

n'er0% nd nturl in(lintions# *t implies t!e )elie& t!t our needs (ount s mu(! s

ot!er people6s needs# We re &ree to (t spontneously wit!out inordinte in!i)ition#

We &eel &ree to pursue (ti"ities nd interests t!t mke us !ppy% not ust t!ose

round us# We re llowed time to !"e &un nd ply% not ust en(our'ed to work

nd (ompete nonstop#

*n n erly en"ironment t!t en(our'es sel&8expression% we re en(our'ed to

dis(o"er our own nturl interests nd pre&eren(es# Our needs nd desires re tken

into ((ount in mkin' de(isions# We re permitted to express emotions% su(! s

sdness nd n'er% s lon' s t!ey do not seriously !rm ot!er people# We re

re'ulrly llowed to )e ply&ul% unin!i)ited% nd ent!usisti(# We re en(our'ed to

)ln(e ply nd work# Stndrds re reson)le#

*& you 'row up in &mily t!t dis(our'es sel&8expression% you re punis!ed

or mde to &eel 'uilty w!en you express your needs% pre&eren(es% or &eelin's# ;our prents6 needs nd &eelin's tke pre(eden(e o"er yours# ;ou re mde to &eel

powerless# ;ou re s!med w!en you (t in ply&ul or unin!i)ited mnner# Work

nd (!ie"ement re o"eremp!si4ed t t!e expense o& &un nd plesure# ;our

prents re not stis&ied unless you per&orm per&e(tly#

Crlton% t!e people8pleser% 'rew up in n en"ironment t!t dm'ed !is sel&8

expression# =is &t!er ws (riti(l nd (ontrollin'% nd !is mot!er ws &re7uently

depressed nd ilL

CA3LTON, 2$ father as never happ$ ith ho I as. 4e teas ala$s tr$ing to

change me, to tell me hat I shoul! (e. 2$ mother as in (e! a lot. She as

ala$s sic& an! in (e!. I trie! to ta&e care of iter as (est I coul!.

Crlton6s identity did not mtter mu(!# =is prents used !im &or t!eir own ends# =e

lerned to pus! !is own needs )(k lest !e mke prent n'ry or depressed# =is

(!ild!ood ws 'rim nd sel&less% +* &eel like * ne"er ws (!ild%+ !e sys#

T!ere re t!ree si'ns t!t your sel&8expression is restri(ted# T!e &irst is t!t

you re extremely accommo!ating to ot!er people# ;ou re lwys plesin'

e"ery)ody else% lws6s tkin' (re o& e"ery)ody# ;ou re sel&8e&&(in'% lmost like

mrtyr# ;ou do not seem (on(erned wit! your own needs# ;ou (nnot stnd to see

t!ose round you in pin nd will repetedly s(ri&i(e your own desires to !elp

t!em# ;ou my do so mu(! &or people t!t it mkes t!em &eel 'uilty to )e wit! you#

*nside% you my &eel wek nd pssi"e% or resent&ul w!en il your 'i"in' is not

ppre(ited# ;ou re too mu(! t t!e mer(y o& ot!er people6s needs#

A se(ond si'n t!t you !"e pro)lems in t!is relm is t!t you re

o"erly inhi(ite! an! controlle! ;ou my )e work!oli(.your w!ole li&e

re"ol"es round your work# ;our work my )e (reer or it my )e ot!er t!in's#

;ou my

work to

look per&e(tly )euti&ul t ll times% or to keep e"eryt!in' per&e(tly net nd

(len% or to lwys do t!in's in t!e per&e(tly proper% (orre(t wy#



? 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L $ 9 E

;ou my )e emotionlly flat T!ere is no spontneity in your li&e# ;ou

suppress your nturl re(tions to e"ents# W!et!er it is )e(use you &eel you !"e

to do w!t ot!er people wnt /t!e Su)u'tion li&etrp0 or )e(use you !"e to li"e

up to some impossi)ly !i'! stndrd /t!e <nrelentin' Stndrds li&etrp0% you !"e

t!e sense t!t you re not relly enoyin' your li&e# ;our li&e is som)er nd oyless#

;ou some!ow ro) yoursel& o& &un% relxtion% nd plesure#

A t!ird indi(tion o& pro)lems in Sel&8Expression is !"in' 'ret del o&

une?presse! anger. C!roni( resentment my simmer undernet!% o((sionlly

eruptin' unexpe(tedly% lmost out o& your (ontrol# And you my &eel depressed#

;ou re trpped in n unrewrdin' routine# ;our li&e seems empty# ;ou re doin'

e"eryt!in' you s!ould% yet t!ere is no plesure in it#

Q 3 EAL*ST*C L*M*TS /L*9ET3A2F E 6#I#LE2E6# ) C

3elisti( Limits pro)lems re% in mny respe(ts% t!e opposite o& Sel&8Expression

pro)lems# W!en you re not permitted Sel&8Expression% you re o"erly (ontrolled#

;ou suppress your own needs nd ttend to t!e needs o& ot!ers# Wit! Limits

pro)lems% you ttend so mu(! to your own needs t!t you !isregar! other people.

;ou my do so to su(! n extent t!t ot!ers see you s sel&is!% demndin'%

(ontrollin'% sel&8(entered% nd nr(issisti(# And you my !"e pro)lems wit! sel&8

(ontrol ;ou re so impulsi"e or emotionl t!t you !"e di&&i(ulty meetin' your

lon'8term 'ols# ;ou lwys 'o &or immedite 'rti&i(tion# ;ou (nnot tolerte

routine or )orin' tsks# ;ou lern t!t you re spe(il% entitled to do e"eryt!in'

your own wy#

To !"e relisti( limits mens to accept realistic internal an! e?ternal limits

on our on (ehavior. T!is in(ludes t!e (p(ity to understnd nd tke t!e needs o&

ot!ers into ((ount in our (tions.to )ln(e &irly our own needs wit! t!ose o&

ot!ers# *t is lso t!e (p(ity to exer(ise enou'! sel&8(ontrol nd sel&8dis(ipline to

re(! our 'ols nd to "oid punis!ment &rom so(iety#W!en we re rised in (!ild!ood en"ironment t!t sets relisti( limits% our

prents set up (onse7uen(es &or our )e!"ior t!t rewrd

I

I

relisti( sel&8(ontrol nd sel&8dis(ipline# We re note?cessivel$ indul'ed or

permitted ex(essi"e &reedom# We re tu'!t to )e responsi)le# We !"e to do

s(!oolwork nd (rry t!rou'! on (!ores# Our prents !elp us lern to tke t!e

perspe(ti"e o& ot!ers nd to )e sensiti"e to ot!er people6s needs# We re tu'!t

not to !urt people unne(essrily# We iern to respe(t ot!er people6s ri'!ts nd

&reedom#

ut per!ps your (!ild!ood did not &oster relisti( limits# ;our pr8ents

my !"e )een o"erly indul'ent nd permissi"e# T!ey '"e you w!te"er you

wnted# T!ey rewrded you &or mnipulti"e )e!"ior. w!ene"er you t!rew

temper tntrum you 'ot your wy# T!ey did not de7utely super"ise you#

T!ey permitted you to express n'er wit!out restri(tion# ;ou ne"er lerned t!e

notion o& reciprocit$. ;ou were not en(our'ed to understnd t!e &eelin's o&

ot!ers% nor to tke t!e &eelin's o& ot!ers into ((ount# ;ou were not tu'!t sel&8

dis(ipline nd sel&8(ontrol# All o& t!ese errors (n led to n Entitlement

li&etrp#

*n n lternti"e s(enrio% per!ps your prents were emotionlly (old

nd depri"in'# ;ou were (onstntly (riti(i4ed nd de"lued# ;ou de"eloped P

sense o& Entitlement lter in li&e to mke up &or% or es(pe% t!e depri"tion

nd de"lution#

Entitlement (n )e dm'in' to your li&e# E"entully people 'et &ed up

wit! you# T!ey eit!er le"e you or retlite ;our prtner )reks up wit! you%

your &riends stop spendin' time wit! you% you re &ired &rom your o)# *& your

Limits pro)lems in(lude di&&i(ulty wit! sel&8dis(ipline nd el&8ontrol% e"en

your !elt! (n )e &&e(ted# ;ou mi'!t smoke too mu(!% )e(ome ddi(ted to

dru's% 'et too little exer(ise% o"eret# ;ou mi'!t e"en (ommit (riminl (ts%

su(! s losin' your temper nd ssultin' someone w 'ettin' rrested &or

drunken dri"in'# Sel&8dis(ipline pro)lems my lso (use you to &il to re(!

your 'ols in li&e# ;ou my !"e too mu(! trou)le dis(iplinin' yoursel& to do

t!e ne(essry work#2eople wit! Limits pro)lems tend to )e "ery (laming. *nsted o&

re(o'ni4in' t!emsel"es s t!e sour(e o& t!eir pro)lems% t!ey )lme ot!ers#

T!ere&ore it is unlikely t!t someone wit! Limits pro)lems would )e redin'

t!is )ook# T!ey )elie"e t!t other people !"e pro)lems% not t!em# =owe"er%

it is likely t!t mny people redin' t!is )ook re involve! wit! someone w!o

!s Limits pro)lems# None o& t!e &i"e ptients in C!pter 1 !d Limits

pro)lems# =owe"er% mny were in sel&8destru(ti"e reltions!ips wit! people

w!o !d Limits issues#



?J 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

S<MMA3;

To summri4e% !ere is (!rt o& ll t!e li&etrps in t!eir pproprite (te'ories#6

T=E ELE@EN L9ET3A2S

L si( S&ety

1#A)ndonment

?#Mistrust \ A)use

**# Conne(tion to Ot!ers

#Emotionl Depri"tion

B#So(il Ex(lusion

*D# Autonomy

#Dependen(e

#@ulner)ility

*@# Sel&8Esteem

H#De&e(ti"eness

#9ilure

@# Sel&8Expression

J# Su)u'tion

1I# <nrelentin' Stndrds

@T 3elisti( Limits

11# Entitlement

*n t!e next (!pter% we explin !ow li&etrps work% nd !ow di&&erent6

people (ope wit! t!eir li&etrps#

$

4SURRENDER, ESCAPE,

AND COUNTERATTACK

Y&etrpsaciivef$ or'ni4e our experien(e T!ey operte in o"ert nd su)tle ''ys to

in&luen(e !ow we t!ink% &eel% nd (t

Di&&erent people (ope wit! li&etrps in di&&erent wys# T!is explins Y5ly (!ildren

rised in t!e sme en"ironment (n pper to )e so di&&erent 9o exmple% two

(!ildren wit! )usi"e prents my respond to )use "ery tly# One )e(omes

pssi"e% &ri'!tened "i(tim nd remins t!t wy YYErou'!out li&e T!e ot!er (!ild

)e(omes openly re)ellious nd de&int nd Q e"en le"e !ome erly to sur"i"e s

teen'er on t!e streets# T!is is prtly )e(use we !"e di&&erent temperments t

)irt!.we to )e more &ri'!tened% (ti"e% out'oin'% or s!y# Our temperments #us in

(ertin dire(tions# And it is prtly )e(use we my (!oose lit prents to (opy or

model oursel"es &ter# Sin(e n )user o&ten ies "i(tim% t!eir (!ildren !"e )ot!

ser"in' s models# T!e (!ild (n py t!e )usi"e prentor t!e "i(timi4ed prent



I 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

3 E * N @ E N T * N ; O < 3 L * 9 E

T=3EE LL9ET3A2 CO2*NG ST;LESF S<33ENDE3% ESCA2E% AND

CO<NTE3ATTACK5

Let us look t t!ree di&&erent indi"idulsF Alex% rndon% nd Mx# E(! one !s t!e

De&e(ti"eness li&etrp# Deep down% ll t!ree &eel &lwed% unlo")le% nd s!med#

;et t!ey cope wit! t!eir &eelin's o& de&e(ti"eness in entirely di&&erent wys# We (ll

t!ese t!ree styles Surren!er, Escape, an! ounterattac&.

ALE>F =E S<33ENDE3S TO =*S SENSE O9 DE9ECT*@ENESS #

Alex is nineteen8yer8old (olle'e student# W!en you meet !im% !e does not look

you in t!e eye# =e keeps !is !ed down# W!en !e speks% you (n )rely !er !im#

=e )lus!es nd stmmers% puts !imsel& down in &ront o& ot!er people% nd is

(onstntly polo'i4in'# =e lwys tkes t!e )lme &or t!in's t!t 'o wron'% e"en i&

t!ey re not relly !is &ult#

Alex lwys &eels +one down+.in&erior to ot!ers% nd !e (onstntly (ompres

!imsel& to ot!ers un&"or)ly# =e &eels t!t ot!er people re some!ow )etter# So(il

e"ents re in"ri)ly pin&ul &or t!is reson# *n !is &irst yer o& (olle'e% !e went to

prties )ut ws too nxious to tlk to nyone# +* (ouldn6t t!ink o& nyt!in' to sy%+

!e explins# So &r% in !is se(ond yer% !e !s not ttended sin'le ( olle'e prty#

Alex !s )e'un dtin' womn w!o li"es in !is dorm# S!e (riti(i4es !im ll

t!e time =is )est &riend is "ery (riti(l o& !im s well# =is expe(ttion t!t people

re 'oin' to )e (riti(l is o&ten )orne out

T=E\A2*STF 0h$ !o $ou criticie $ourself so muchH

ALE>F I guess I ant to !o it first, (efore other people !o it for me.

Alex !s lot o& &eelin's o& s!me# =e )lus!es nd wlks round wit! !is !ed

down )e(use !e &eels s!med o& !imsel&# =e interprets e"ents in !is li&e s

(ontinul proo& o& !is de&e(ti"eness% unlo")ility% nd wort!lessness%

ALE>F V feel h&e suc& a social re1ect. 0e5re halfa$ through the semester an! I still

!on5t &no an$one in an$ of m$ classes. Other people sit aroun! an! tal&, (ut

I 1ust sit there li&e a (ump on a log. 6o one tal&s to me.

8)n shema tfierapy,these ofrespand to the tping styks i maintenane, avoidane,and ooipensa2tioo9



S<33ENDE3 % ESCA2E% AND CO<NTE3ATTACK 1

T=E3A2*STF %o $ou ever tal& to an$oneH ALE>F

6a&. 0ho moul! ant to tal& to meH

Alex thin&s, feels, nd acts s t!ou'! !e were de&e(ti"e# T!e li&etrp permetes !is

experien(e o& li&e# T!is is !ow it is wit! Surrender s (opin' style# T!e li&etrp is

"ery mu(! wit! us# Alex is well wre o& !is &eelin's o& de&e(ti"eness#

W!en we Surrender% we !istort our "iew o& situtions to (on&irm our li&etrp#

We re(t wit! stron' &eelin's w!ene"er our li&etrp is (ti"ted# We sele(t prtners

nd enter situtions t!t rein&or(e our li&etrp#0e &eep the lifetrap going.

Alex (onsistently distorts or misper(ei"es situtions so t!t t!ey rein&or(e !is

li&etrp# =is "iew o& situtions is in((urteF !e &eels people re tt(kin' nd

!urnilitin' !im e"en w!en t!ey re not =e !s stron' )is to interpret e"ents s

pro"in' !e is de&e(ti"e% ex''ertin' t!e ne' ti"e nd minimi4in' t!e positi"e# =e

is illo'i(l W!en we surrender% we (ontinully misinterpret nd mis(onstrue people

nd e"ents in wys t!t mintin our li&etrps#

We 'row up ((ustomed to (ertin roles nd (ertin wys o& )ein' per(ei"ed#

*& we 'row up in &mily in w!i(! we re )used% ne'le(ted% yelled t% (onstntly

(riti(i4ed% or dominted% t!en t!t is t!e en"ironment t!t &eels most (om&ort)le to

us# <n!elt!y s it my )e% most people seek nd (rete en"ironments t!t &eel

&milir nd similr to t!e ones w!ere t!ey 'rew up# T!e w!ole essen(e o&

surrenderin' is some!ow mn'in' to rrn'e your li&e so t!t you (ontinue to

repet t!e ptterns o& your (!ild!ood#

Alex 'rew up in &mily t!t (riti(i4ed nd demened !im% typi(l ori'in &or

t!e De&e(ti"eness li&etrp# As n dult% !e )e!"es in wys t!t ensure !e will endup )ein' (riti(i4ed nd demened# =e (!ooses prtners nd &riends w!o re "ery

(riti(l o& !im# =e (ts s!med nd polo'eti(# =e (riti(i4es !imsel& in &ront o&

ot!ers# W!en people re ni(e to !im% !e distn(es or some!ow undermines t!e

reltions!ip# Alex tries to mintin the status -uo. W!en t!e en"ironment )e(omes

too supporti"e% !e lters t!e sitution so !e (n 'o )(k to t!t (om&ort)le stte o&

s!me nd dee(tion# *& !e &eels superior or e7ul &or moment% !e some!ow

mn'es to return to lesser position#

Surrender in(ludes ll t!e sel&8destru(ti"e ptterns we keep repetin' o"er nd

o"er# *t is ll t!e wys we repli(te our (!ild!ood li"es# We re still t!t (!ild% 'oin'

t!rou'! t!t sme old pin# Surrender e?ten!s our (!ild!ood sitution into our dult

li&e# 9or t!is reson it o&ten leds us to &eel !opeless )out (!n'in'# All we know is

t!e li&etrp% w!i(! we ne"er es(pe# *t is sel&8perpetutin' loop#

3ANDONF =E ESCA2ES =*S 9EEL*NGS O9 DE9ECT*@ENESS #

rndon is &orty yers old nd !s ne"er !d (lose reltions!ip# =e spends most o&

!is spre time ykkin' wit! !is )uddies t t!e nei'!)or!ood )r# rndon is most

(om&ort)le wit! (sul% &riendly reltions!ips w!ere not!in' "ery personl is

dis(ussed#

rndon is mrried to womn w!o is out o& tou(! wit! !er &eelin's# S!e is"ery (on(erned wit! keepin' up ppern(es# S!e is more interested in )ein'

mrried t!n in )ein' mrried to rndon prti(ulrly# S!e !s (lose &emle &riends%

)ut does not expe(t (loseness &rom rndon# S!e wnts mn ust so s!e (n &ul&il:

t!e (on"entionl role o& wi&e# T!eir reltions!ip is )sed on trditionl roles% not on

rel intim(y6# T!ey rrely (on&ide in e(! ot!er#

rndon !s )een n l(o!oli( !is entire dult li&e# Alt!ou'! !is &mily nd

&riends !"e su''ested Al(o!oli(s Anonymous% !e i'nores t!em# =e insists t!t !e

is not n l(o!oli(.!e sys !e only drinks &or re(retion% nd t!t !e !s (ontrol

o"er !is drinkin'# esides drinkin' in !is nei'!)or!ood )r% !e tends to drink in

so(il settin's w!en !e is round people !e &eels re )etter t!n !e is#

rndon )e(me depressed% w!i(! is w!t ori'inlly )rou'!t !im to t!erpy#

ut in (ontrst to Alex% !e ws not in tou(! wit! !is li&etrp# =e spent mu(! o& !is

li&e mkin' sure t!t !e wsnot in tou(!# W!en !e &irst strted t!erpy% !e ws only

dimly wre o& !is &eelin's o& de&e(ti"eness# W!en we sked !im !ow !e &elt )out

!imsel&% !e denied !"in' &eelin's o& low sel&8esteem or s!me /Lter in tretment

t!ese &eelin's (me out "ery stron'ly#0

We !d to )ttle !is Es(pe on e"ery &ront W!en we sked !im to write down

!is ne'ti"e t!ou'!ts &or !omework% !e did not do it# =e (limed% +W!y t!ink )out

t!in's T!ey only mke me &eel worse#+ W!en we sked !im to (lose !is eyes nd

pi(ture !imsel& s (!ild% !e sid% +* (n6t see nyt!in'# My mind is )lnk#+ Or !e

sw n im'e o& p!oto'rp! o& !imsel& s (!ild% de"oid o& emotion# W!en we

sked !im !ow !e &elt )out !is )usi"e &t!er% !e insisted t!t !e &elt no n'er# +My

&t!er ws 'ood mn%+ !e sid#

rndon tries to es(pe !is &eelin's o& de&e(ti"eness# Wit! Es(pe% we "oid

thin&ing )out our li&etrp# We pus! it out o& our minds# We lso es(pe feeling our

li&etrp# W!en &eelin's re 'enerted% we dmpen t!em down# We tke dru's% or



S<33ENDE3 % ESCA2E% AND CO<NTE3ATTACK ?

o"eret or (ompulsi"ely (len% or )e(ome work!oli( And we "oid enterin'

situtions t!t mi'!t (ti"te our li&etrp# *n &(t% our t!ou'!ts% &eelin's% nd

)e!"iors work s i& t!e li&etrp ne"er existed#

Mny people es(pe w!ole res o& li&e w!ere t!ey &eel "ulner)le or sensiti"e#

L& you !"e t!e De&e(ti"eness li&etrp% like rndon you my "oid intimte

reltions!ips lto'et!er% ne"er lettin' ny)ody 'et too (lose# *& you !"e t!e 9ilure

li&etrp% you my "oid work% s(!ool tsks% promotions% or tkin' on new proe(ts#

*& you !"e t!e So(il Ex(lusion li&etrp% you my "oid 'roups% prties% meetin's%

(on"entions# *& you !"e t!e Dependen(e li&etrp% you my "oid ll situtions t!t

re7uire you to )e independent ;ou my )e p!o)i( )out 'oin' into pu)li( pl(es

lone

*t is nturl t!t Es(pe )e(omes one o& t!e wys we (ope wit! li&etrps# W!en

li&etrp is tri''ered% we re &looded wit! ne'ti"e &eel in's.sdness% s!me%

nxiety% nd n'er# We re mo"ed to es(pe from t!t pin# We do not wnt to &(e

w!t we relly &eel )e(use it is too upsettin' to &eel it#

T!e disd"nt'e o& Es(pe is t!t we ne"er o"er(ome t!e li&etrp# Sin(e we

ne"er (on&ront t!e trut!% we re stu(k# We (nnot (!n'e t!in's t!t we do not

dmit re pro)lems# *nsted% we (ontinue t!e sme sel&8de&etin' )e!"iors% t!e

sme destru(ti"e reltions!ips# *n tryin' to (ost t!rou'! li&e wit!out &eelin' pin%

we ro) oursel"es o& t!e (!n(e to (!n'e t!e t!in's t!t re (usin' us pin#

W!en we es(pe% we strike )r'inwith oursel"es# We will not &eel pin in

t!e s!ort run% )ut in t!e lon' run we will su&&er t!e (onse7uen(es o& !"in' "oided

t!e issue yer &ter yer# As lon' s !e es(pes% rndon will ne"er 'et w!t !e

wnts most.to lo"e nd )e lo"ed )y not!er !umn )ein' who relly knows !im#Lo"e is w!t rndon ws denied in (!ild!ood#

Wit! Es(pe we 'i"e up our emotionl li&e# We do not feel. We wlk round

num).un)le to experien(e rel plesure nd pin# e(use we "oid (on&rontin'

pro)lems% we o&ten end up !urtin' t!ose round us# We re lso prone to t!e

tErri:le (onse7uen(es o& ddi(tions like l(o!ol nd dru's#

MA>F =E CO<NTE3ATTACKS TO CO2E W*T= =*S 9EEL*NGS O9 DE9ECT*@ENESS #

Mx is t!irty8two8yer8old sto(k)roker# On t!e sur&(e !e is sel&8(on&ident nd

ssured# *n &(t% !e is sno)# =e !s n ir o& superiority# =e is "ery (riti(l o&

ot!ers w!ile rrely (knowled'in' ny &ults in !imsel&#



3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

Mx (me to t!erpy )e(use !is wi&e ws t!retenin' to le"e !im# =e

insisted t!eir pro)lems were ll !er &ult#

T=E3A2*STF So $our ife is prett$ angr$ ith $ouH

MA>F If $ou as& me, she5s the one ho5s causing all the pro(lems. She (los

things out of proportion, an! she !eman!s too much from me. S!e6s

the one ho nee!s to (e in therap$.

*n &(t% Mx (!ose "ery pssi"e% sel&8s(ri&i(in' wi&e w!o wors!iped !im#

T!rou'! t!e yers% !e !d )e(ome so "er)lly )usi"e nd sel&is! t!t s!e !d

&inlly insisted t!t eit!er t!ey strt t!erpy or s!e would le"e#

Mx (retes situtions w!ere !e is one up# =e (!ooses &riends nd employees

w!o will ntter !im% rt!er t!n (!llen'e nd (on&ront !im# =e enoys &eelin'

superior# =e de"otes most o& !is ener'y to 'inin' presti'e nd sttus# =e

mnipultes nd uses people in ny wy ne(essry to (!ie"e t!ese ends#

=e tried to sty one up in t!erpy s well =e 7uestioned our (redentils%

ppro(!% (ompeten(e% le"el o& su((ess% nd 'e# And !e kept remindin' us !ow

su((ess&ul !e ws# W!en we told !im we t!ou'!t !e ws tretin' !is wi&e )dly% !e

)e(me in&urited# =e insisted we did not understnd !is &eelin's# =e insisted t!t

we s!ould )e willin' to 'i"e !im ppointments w!ene"er !e wnted t!em )e(use

!e is n importnt person# W!en we re&used% !e 'in )e(me n'ry# =e &elt !e ws

not 'ettin' t!e spe(il tretment !e deser"ed#

Mx is not in tou(! wit! !is li&etrp yet it is "ery mu(! wit! !im# *n &eelin'

superior% Mx experien(es t!e opposite o& w!t !e &elt s (!<d# =e is tryin' to )e

s di&&erent s possi)le &rom t!e wort!less (!ild t!t !is prents mde !im &eel !e

ws# We mi'!t sy !e spends !is w!ole li&e tryin' to keep t!t (!ild t )y nd to

&i'!t off t!e tt(ks of t!ose !e expe(ts to (riti(i4e nd )use !im#

W!en we Countertt(k% we try to mke up &or t!e li&etrp )y (on"in(in'

oursel"es nd ot!ers t!t t!e opposite is true# We &eel% (t% nd t!ink s i& we re special, superior, perfect, infa2(&. We (lin' to t!is person despertely#

Countertt(k de"elops )e(use it o&&ers n lternti"e to )ein' de"lued%

(riti(i4ed% nd !umilited# *t is wy out o& t!t terri)le "ulner)ility# Our

(ountertt(ks !elp us (ope# ut w!en t!ese (ountertt(ks )e(ome too extreme%

t!ey o&ten )(k&ire nd end up !urtin' us#

Countertt(kers (nappear !elt!y# *n &(t% some o& t!e people we dmire

most in so(iety re (ountertt(kers.some mo"ie strs% ro(k strs% nd politi(l

leders# ut lt!ou'! t!ey &it in well wit! so(iety nd re su((ess&ul in t!e eyes o&

ot!er people% t!ey re usully not t pe(e wit! t!emsel"es# T!ey &re7uently &eel

de&e(ti"e undernet!#

T!ey del wit! t!ese &eelin's o& inde7u(y )y puttin' t!emsel"es in

situtions w!ere t!ey will 'et t!e ppluse o& n udien(e# Winnin' t!is ppluse is

(tully n ttempt to (ompenste &or deep sense t!t t!ey re wort!less# T!ey

(n (ountertt(k )y mskin' t!eir &lws wit! su((ess )e&ore t!ey re dis(o"ered

nd put down#

Our (ountertt(ks isolte us# We )e(ome so in"ested in pperin' to )e

per&e(t t!t we stop (rin' w!o 'ets !urt in t!e pro(ess# We (ontinue to

(ountertt(k% no mtter !ow mu(! it (osts ot!er people# T!ere re )ound to )e

some ne'ti"e e&&e(ts# E"entully people le"e us or retlite in some wy#

Our (ountertt(ks lso 'et in t!e wy o& rel intim(y# We lose t!e )ility to

trust% )e(ome "ulner)le% nd (onne(t t deeper le"el# We !"e met some ptients

w!o would rt!er lose e"eryt!in'.in(ludin' t!eir mrri'e% reltions!ip wit!

someone t!ey lo"e.t!n risk )e(omin' "ulner)le#

E"entully% no mtter !ow per&e(t we try to )e% we re 'oin' to &il t

somet!in'# Counterstt(kers ne"er relly lern to (ope wit! de&et T!ey do not tke

responsi)ility &or t!eir &ilures or (knowled'e t!eir $imit tions# =owe"er% w!en

t!ere is ma1or set)(k% t!e (ountertt(k (ollpses# W!en t!is !ppens% t!ey o&ten

&ll prt nd )e(ome "ery depressed%

<ndernet!% (ountertt(kers re usully "ery fragile. T!eir superiority is

esily de&lted# E"entully t!ere is (r(k in t!e rmor% nd t!e w!ole world &eels

s i& it is (ollpsin'# At t!ese times% t!e li&etrp resserts itsel& wit! enormous

stren't!% nd t!e ori'inl &eelin's o& de&e(ti"eness% depri"tion% ex(lusion% or )use

return#

All t!ree men.Alex% rndon% nd Mx.!"e De&e(ti"eness s (ore

li&etrp# Deep down% ll t!ree &eel wort!less% unlo")le% nd de&e(ti"e ;et t!eycope

wit! t!eir &eelin's o& de&e(ti"eness in (ompletely di&&erent wys#

Alex% rndon% nd Mx re relti"ely pure types# E(! one uses one primry

(opin' style# *n &(t su(! pure types re rre# Most o& us use (om)intion o&

Surrender% Es(pe% nd Countertt(k# We must lern to (!n'e t!ese (opin' styles

in order to o"er(ome our li&etrps nd )e(ome !elt!y 'in#

T!e next (!pter s!ows you !ow to (on&ront your li&etrps e&&e(ti"ely wit!outsurrender% wit!out es(pe% nd wit!out (ountertt(k#



B 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

5;owLIFETRAPS CHANGE

Li&etrps re lon'8terr ptterns# T!ey re deeply in'rined% nd like ddi(tions or

)d !)its% t!ey re !rd to (!n'e# C!n'e re7uires willin'ness to experien(e

pin# ;ou !"e to &(e t!e li&etrp !ed8on ndun!erstan! it# C!n'e lso re7uires

dis(ipline# ;ou !"e to systemti(lly o)ser"e nd (!n'e )e!"iors e"ery dy#

C!n'e (nnot )e !it8or8miss# *t re7uires (onstnt pr(ti(e#

GENE3AL STE2S *N L*9ET3A2 C=ANGE

We will wlk you t!rou'! t!e steps o& (!n'e usin' Dnielle s n exmple#

Dnielle !s t!e A)ndonment li&etrp# S!e is t!irty8one yers old# S!e is in

reltions!ip wit! mn% 3o)ert% w!o will not mke (ommitment to !er# T!ey

!"e )een to'et!er &or ele"en yers% nd% lt!ou'! s!e !s sked !im mny times%

!e will not mrry !er#

E"ery on(e in w!ile% 3o)ert )reks up wit! !er# W!en t!t !ppens%

Dnielle is de"stted# S!e strted t!erpy durin' one su(! )rekup#

DAN*ELLEF V 1ust ant to stop feeUng this a$. I can5t ta&e it an$more. 7S I can

thin& a(out is Ro(ert. I5m o(sesse! ith him. I5ve got to get him (ac&.



;ow L*9ET3A2S C=ANGE

T!is o)sessi"eness is (!r(teristi( o& t!e A)ndonment li&etrp# Durin' )rekups%

Dnielle o((sionlly dtes ot!er men% )ut s!e ne"er )e(omes interested in nyone

ot!er t!n 3o)ert T!e st)le% stedy t ypes )ore !er#

T!ese re t!e steps Dnielle &ollowed in order to (!n'e !er pttern% nd t!t

we re(ommend &or our ptientsF

8 .9 LAEL AND *DENT*9; ;O<3 L*9ET3A2S# Q

T!e &irst step is to re(o'ni4e w!t your li&etrps re# T!is (n )e ((omplis!ed )y

tkin' t!e Li&etrp uestionnire in C!pter ?# On(e you (n identi&y li&etrp nd

see !ow it &&e(ts your li&e% you will )e in a )etter position to (!n'e it y !"in'aname &or your li&etrp% like De&e(ti"eness or Dependen(e% nd redin' )out it in t!e

se(ond !l& o& t!is )ook% you will understnd yoursel& )etter# ;ou will 'in (lrity

)out your li&e# T!is insight is t!e &irst step#

Dnielle re(o'ni4ed !er A)ndonment li&etrp in num)er o& di&&erent wys#

W!en s!e strted t!erpy% we '"e !er t!e Li&etrp uestionnire# S!e s(ored !i'!

on items in t!e A)ndonment se(tion#

DAN*ELLEF V guess on some &eel I5ve ala$s (een aare that I have an issue a(out

people a(an!oning me. I5ve ala$s (een afrai! of it, I5ve ala$s (een orrie!

it5s (oun! to happen.

2tients o&ten !"e t!is senstion w!en t!ey identi&y li&etrp# *t is sense o&

)e(omin' (ler )out somet!in' t!ey !"e "'uely known il lon'#

Dnielle (ould esily see !ow t!e t!eme o& )ndonment plyed itsel& out in

!er (urrent li&e# S!e ws in lon'8term reltions!ip in w!i(! )ndonment ws t!e

min t!eme# S!e lso lerned )out !er li&etrp t!rou'! im'ery o& t!e pst# W!en

we sked !er to (lose !er eyes nd let im'es (ome o& !er (!ild!ood% t!e

predominnt t!eme ws )ndonment#

DAN*ELLEF V see m$self. I5m stan!ing ($ the living room couch. I5m tr$ing to get

m$ mother to pa$ attention to me, (ut she5s !run&. I can5t get her to pa$

attention to me.

Dnielle6s mot!er ws n l(o!oli( s &r )(k s s!e (ould remem)er# W!en

Dnielle ws se"en% !er &t!er le&t t!e &mily to mrry not!er womn# =e 'rdully

dri&ted &urt!er wy &rom t!e &mily s !e !d (!ildren wit! !is new wi&e# =e le&t

Dnielle nd !er sister wit! mot!er w!o (lerly (ould not tke (re o& t!em

de7utely#

Dnielle ws )ndoned )y )ot! prents# =er mot!er )ndoned !er t!rou'!l(o!olism% nd !er &t!er )ndoned !er literlly.)y le"in' t!e &mily# T!eir

)ndonment o& !er ws t!e (entrl trut! o& !er (!ild!ood#

E"entully Dnielle (me to see t!e t!eme o& )ndonment we"in' t!rou'!

!er li&e &rom t!e pst to t!e present# T!e ide o& t!e li&etrp organie! her

e?perience for her in a a$ she coul! clearl$ un!erstan!.

;our li&etrp is your enemy# We wnt you to know your enemy#

Q ?# < NDE3STAND T=E C=*LD=OOD O3*G*NS O9 ;O<3 L*9ET3A2# @ EEL T=E

WO<N=ED C=*LD * NS*DE ;ou% U

T!e se(ond step is to feel your li&etrp# We !"e &ound t!t it is "ery di&&i(ult to

(!n'e deep pin wit!out &irst reli"in' it We ll !"e some me(!nisms &or )lo(kin'

t!is pin# <n&ortuntely% )y )lo(kin' t!e pin% we (nnot 'et &ully in tou(! wit! our

li&etrps#

To &eel your li&etrp% you will need to remem)er your (!ild!ood# We will sk

you to (lose your eyes nd let t!e im'es (ome# Do not &or(e t!e im'es.ust let

one rise to t!e top o& your mind# Get into e(! one s deeply s you (n# Try to

pi(ture t!ese erly memories s "i"idly s possi)le# *& you do t!is &ew times% you

will )e'in to remem)er w!t you &elt s (!ild# ;ou will &eel t!e pain or emotions

(onne(ted wit! your li&etrp#T!is kind o& im'ery is pin&ul *& you &eel (ompletely o"erw!elmed or

&ri'!tened )y t!e experien(e% t!t is si'n you need t!erpy# ;our (!ild!ood ws so

pin&ul t!t you s!ould not remem)er it lone# ;ou need 'uide% n lly# A t!erpist

(n )e t!is &or you#



;ow L*9ET3A2S C=ANGE

On(e you !"e re(onne(ted wit! your (!ild!ood sel&% we will sk you to open

dilo'ue wit! t!is (!ild# T!is inner (!ild is &ro4en# We wnt to )rin' it )(k to li&e%

w!ere 'rowt! nd (!n'e re possi)le We wnt t!is (!ild to !el#

We will sk you to tlk to your inner (!ild# ;ou (n do t!is )y (tully tlkin'

loud% or you (n do it t!rou'! writin'# ;ou (n write letter to t!is (!ild in your

dominnt !nd /t!e !nd you usully write wit!0% nd !"e t!e (!ild write

response in your non8dominnt !nd# We !"e &ound t!t your (!ild8sel& (n (ome

out in t!e !ndwritin' o& your non8dominnt !nd#

T!e ide o& tlkin' to your inner (!ild my sound strn'e t &irst

;ou will understnd more )out it s t!e )ook pro(eeds# =ere is n exmple o&

Dnielle tlkin' to !er inner (!ild# *t is durin' t!e sme s(ene we des(ri)ed )o"e%

w!en s!e is tryin' to 'et !er drunk mot!er to py ttention to !er#

T=E3A2*STF I ant $ou to tal& to $our inner chil!. 4elp her.

DA&(TELLEF 0ell. . . Gpause) I come into the image an! ta&e little %anielle onto m$

lap. I sa$, "I5m so sorr$ this is happening to $ou. Your parents aren5t a(le to (e

there for $ou the a$ $ou nee! 8ut I ill (e here for $ou. I ill help $ou get

through this an! ma&e sure $ou come out aU right"

Gi"in' (om&ort to your inner (!ild% o&&erin' 'uidn(e nd d"i(e% nd empt!i4in'

wit! !ow t!e (!ild &eels re some o& t!e t!in's we will sk you to do# E"en t!ou'!

t!ese exer(ises my seem silly or un(om&ort)le to you t &irst% we !"e &ound t!tmost people )ene&it e normously &rom t!em#

Q # T=E T=*3D STE2 *S TO <*LD A CASE AGA*NST ;O<3 L*9ET3A2#

D*S23O@E *TS @AL*D*T; AT A 3 AT*ONAL LE@EL# Q

;our li&e !s utterly (on"in(ed you o& t!e trut! o& your li&etrp# Dnielle )elie"es

wit! !er w!ole )ein' t!t nyone s!e lo"es will )ndon !er# S!e ((epts !er

li&etrp emotionall$ nd intellectuall$.

T!is (!n'e step in"ol"es tt(kin' your li&etrp on n intelle(tul le"el# *n

order to do t!is% you must pro"e t!t it is not true% or t lest t!t it (n )e (!n'ed#

;ou must (st dou)t on t!e "lidity o& your li&etrp# As lon' s you )elie"e t!t your

li&etrp is "lid% you will not )e )le to (!n'e it#

To dispro"e your li&etrp% you will &irst list all the evi!ence pro an! con

re'rdin' t!e li&etrp t!rou'!out your li&e# 9or exmple% i& you &eel Sociall$

Un!esira(le, &irst you will list ll t!e e"iden(e t!t supports your li&etrp. t!t you

re undesir)le# T!en you will mke seprte list o& ll t!e e"iden(e 'inst your

li&etrp.t!t you re so(illy desir)le#

*n most (ses% t!e e"iden(e will s!ow t!t your li&etrp is &lse# ;ou re not% in

&(t% de&e(ti"e% in(ompetent% &ilure% doomed to )e )used% et( ut sometimes t!e

li&etrp is true# 9or exmple% you my !"e )een so ree(ted nd s!unned ll your

li&e t!t you !"e &iled to de"elop so(il skills% nd t!us relly re so(illy

undesir)le in (ertin wys# Or you my !"e "oided so mny s(!ool nd (reer

(!llen'es t!t you !"e &iled in your (!osen &ield#

Look t your list o& pros% is ny e"iden(e supportin' t!e li&etrp inherenB$

true o& you% or were you )rinws!ed into t!inkin' t!is wy )y your &mily or peers

durin' (!ild!ood 9or exmple% were you (orn in(ompetent% or ws your

in(ompeten(e so drummed into you )y (riti(l prent t!t you (me to )elie"e it

ws true /Dependen(e] Were youreall$ spe(il s ( !ild% or did your prents spoil

nd pmper you% nd te(! you to &eel entitled to more t!n e"eryone else

/Entitlement0 And sk yoursel&% is ny e"iden(e supportin' t!e li&etrp sfill true o&

you Or ws it only true in your (!ild!ood

*&% &ter ll t!is nlysis% you still &eel t!e li&etrp is true% t!en sk yoursel&%

+=ow (ould * (!n'e t!is spe(t o& mysel&+ Explore w!t you (ould do to remedy

t!e sitution#

=ere is smple &rom Dnielle6s list o& e"iden(e supportin' !er A)ndonment

li&etrpF

E@*DENCE T=AT E@E3;ONE ) LO@E 'ru9 AANDON ME

1# <nless * (lin' to

3o)ert% !e will le"e

me#



;ow L*9ET3A2S C=ANGE H

IS T HI S *N=E3ENTL;

T3<E O3 WAS

3A*NWAS=ED

T!is isn6t true# T!e

trut! is% w!en * (lin'

to 3o)ert% it turns !im

o&&# =e 'ets md t me

nd wnts to 'et wy

&rom me# * t!ink t!is

wy )e(use * (ouldn6t

mke my &t!er sty

wit! me s (!ild% no

mtter !ow * !ied#

MOW COULD I

CHANGE ?

* (ould stop (lin'in' to

3o)ert nd 'i"e !im

some sp(e * (ould

lern to relx w!ile *6m

lone nd not dwell on

t!e possi)ility o&

)ndonment#

;ow L*9ET3A2S C=ANGE BH =ere is

prt o& Dnielle6s list o& e"iden(e t!t !er li&etrp is &lseF

E@$DENCE T=AT NOT E@E3;ONE AANDONS ME

1#My sister nd ) !"e )een (lose il my li&e

?#)6"e !d se"erl )oy&riends w!o wnted to )e wit! me% )ut *6"e

)een so o)sessed wit! 3o)ert t!t) ne"er '"e ny o& t!em (!n(e#

# My t!erpist is t!ere &or me#

B#1 !"e n unt w!o !s lwys tken n interest in me nd tried to !elp#

#* !"e &riends w!o !"e )een round &or yers nd yers#

#3o)ert nd * have stu(k to'et!er &or ele"en yers% e"en i& i&s )een

up nd down#

A&ter mkin' your list% summri4e t!e (se 'inst your li&etrp on &ls!(rd#

T!is is smple &ls! (rd Dnielle wroteF

AANDONMENT 9LAS=CA3D

E"en t!ou'! * feel t!t e"eryone * 'et (lose to will )ndon me% it isn6t true * &eel

t!is wy )e(use w!en * ws (!ild )ot! my prents )ndoned me#

E"en t!ou'! * !"e experien(ed lot o& )ndonment in my li&e% in lot o&

wys t!is is )e(use *6"e )een most ttr(ted to men nd &riends w!o !"e trou)le

mkin' (ommitments#

ut t!e people +in my li&e don6t !"e to )e like t!t# * ( n eliminte t!e peoplew!o relly re like t!t &rom my li&e# And * (n (!oose to sso(ite wit! people

w!o re )le to )e t!ere &or me nd mke (ommitment#

A lot o& times w!en * &eel )ndoned )y someone% * s!ould sk mysel& i& *6m

ust )ein' o"ersensiti"e# E"en t!ou'! * &eel like t!e person6s )ndonin' me% it my

ust )e my A)ndonment li&etrp )ein' tri''ered# Somet!in' is remindin' me o&

w!t !ppened w!en * ws (!ild# 2eople !"e ri'!t to some sp(e# * !"e to

llow people some sp(e#



3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L $ 9 E

3ed t!is &is!(rd e"ery dy# Crry it wit! you# Keep (opy ner your )ed or

some ot!er pl(e w!ere you will see it e"ery dy#

Q B# W3*TE LETTEKS TO T=E 2A3ENT% S*L*NG% O3 2EE3 W=O =EL2ED

CA<SE ;O<3 L*9ET3A2# Q

*t is importnt to "entilte your n'er nd sdness )out w!t !ppened tu you#

One t!in' t!t keeps your inner (!ild &ro4en is ll your strn'led &eelin's# We wnt

you to 'i"e your inner (!ild "oi(e.to llow your inner (!ild to express !is or !er

pin#

We will sk you to write letters to il t!e people w!o !urt you# We reli4e you

will pro))ly !"e to o"er(ome lot o& 'uilt to do t!is% prti(ulrly in re'rd to

your prents% &t is not esy to tt(k our prents# T!ey my not !"e )een

mli(ious# T!ey my !"e !d 'ood intentions# ut we wnt you to put side su(!

(onsidertions &or tune% nd ust tell t!e trut!#

Express your &eelin's in t!e letter# Tell t!em w!t t!ey did t!t ws !urt&ul%

nd !ow it mde you feel. Tell t!em t!ey were wron' to )e!"e s t!ey did# Tell

t!em !ow you wis!ed it (ould !"e )een insted#

;ou will pro))ly de(ide not to send t!e letter# *t is t!eriting nd e?pressing

o& your &eelin's t!t is most importnt# *t is o&ten not possi)le to (!n'e t!e

&eelin's or )e!"ior o& your prents% nywy# ;ou s!ould know t!is &rom t!e strt

T!e purpose o& t!e letter is not to (!n'e your prents# *t is to mke you w!ole

person 'in#=ere is t!e letter Dnielle wrote to !er mot!er#

%ear 2om,

You have (een an alcoholic for all m$ life. I nee! to tell $ou hat it5s

!one to me.

< feel 2&e I never got to (e a chil! Instea!, I ha! to teorr$ all the time

a(out stuff other &i!s never even !ream of. I coul!n5t (e sure that e oul!

have foo! on the ta(le. I ha! to !o ever$thing m$self. 0hi& other &i!s en out

pla$ing an! having fun, I as coo&ing !inner an! cleaning the house.

You !on5t &no ho much humiliation I ent through (ecause of $ou.

remem(er learning to iron hen I as si? so the other &i!s oul!n5t laugh at

m$ rin&le! clothes. 7n! I coul! never (ring an$(o!$ to the house.

7n! $ou ere never aroun! li&e the other mothers. You never came to

veaieh me at school I coul!n5t tal& to $ou a(out m$ pro(lems. Instea!$ou la$

on thecouch, !rin&ing $ourself senseless.

I oul! tr$ so har! to get $ou to get up an! he m$ mother. 8ut $ou never !i!.

I fe! so sa! a(out hat I misse!. #here ere a fe times thai $ou ere

there for me, an! those ere special. Li&e the time I as upset a(out m$ high

school (o$frien!, an! $ou got up an! tal&e! to me. I ish e coul! have ha!

more of those times.

8ut instea! I ha! to gro up iih a (ig hole here there shoul! have

(een a mother. 7n! I5m stiS living ith that (ig hole insi!e me. It asn5t right

for $ou to !o this to me. 0hat $ou !i! as rong.

A letter like t!is (n set t!e re(ord stri'!t# *t (n tell your story loud% per!ps &or

t!e &irst time#

Q # E>AM*NE ;O<3 L*9ET3A2 2ATTE3N *N CA3E9<L DETA*L# Q

We wnt you to mke expli(it !ow your li&etrp plys itsel& out in your (urrent li&e#

T!e (!pters on indi"idul li&etrps will !elp you identi&y t!e sel&8de&etin' !)its

t!t rein&or(e your li&etrp#

We will sk you to write down t!e wys you surrender to your li&etrp% nd

!ow you (n (!n'e t!em# On p'e I is smple &rom one o& Dnielle6s t)les#

Q # T=E NE>T STE2 *S D 7##ER6 ' 8RE7:I6F. C

A&ter you !"e tken t!e Li&etrp uestionnire in C!pter ? nd !"e identi&ied

your li&etrps% we wnt you to (!oose one li&etrp to work on &irst# C!oose t!e one

t!t !s t!e most imp(t on your li&e now# *& t!t seems too di&&i(ult% (!oose one

t!t seems more mn'e)le# We lwys wnt you to tke mn'e)le steps#

Dnielle !d more t!n one li&etrp# *n ddition to A)ndonment% s!e !d

De&e(ti"eness# S!e t!ou'!t it ws !er &ult t!t s!e (ould not mke !er &t!er sty

nd did not !"e )etter mot!er# As we mentioned erlier% it is "ery (ommon &or

(!ildren to )lme t!emsel"es w!en t!ey re )used or ne'le(ted#



J 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L $ 9 E

ut A)ndonment ws Dnielle6s (ore li&etrp# *t ws t!e one s!e (!ose to

work on &irst S!e &elt s!e needed st)le )se &rom w!i(! to (!llen'e !er ot!er

li&etrps# We 'reed#<sin' t!e (!rts you &illed out in Step % sele(t two or t!ree wys you

WA;S * 3E*N9O3CE M;

AANDONMENT <9ET3A2

DA;8TO8DA;

1#1 (lin' to 3o)ert nd try to

(ontrol !im#

?#1 'et relly n'ry w!en one o&

my &riends doesn6t return (ll

ri'!t wy#

#1 'et o)sessed wit! 3o)ert6s li&e

nd &or'et )out my own%

=OW CAN C=ANGE

i (ould 'i"e 3o)ert more &ree time

wit!out skin' !im million

7uestions )out w!ere !e6s 'oin' nd

w!t !e6s 'oin' to do# * (ould let !im

tell me w!en !e6s un!ppy or n'ry

)out somet!in' in our reltions!ip%

insted o& &llin' prt or r'uin'

wit! !im# 1 (ould stop skin' !im

e"en%6 &i"e minutes i& !e lo"es me

nd wnts to sty wit! me# * (n stop

'ettin' so n'ry w!en !e wnts

some sp(e# * (n stop &eelin' so

t!retened w!en somet!in' 'ood

!ppens in his li&e#

* (n 'i"e my &riends more sp(ewit!out 'ettin' so t!retened w!en

t!ey6re )usy wit! t!eir own li"es# *

(n turn my ttention &rom !is li&e to

my own% nd do t!e t!in's t!t re

importnt to me# 1 (n see my

&riends% nd pint% red% write letters#

* (n 'o do somet!in' &un# 1 (n

tret mysel& to somet!in'#

rein&or(e your li&etrp# Try to (rry out t!e wys you (n (!n'e# Sele(t steps you

&eel )le to do# We wnt you to !"e su((ess&ul experien(es#

Dnielle strted )y tryin' to ( !n'e !er )e!"ior towrd !er &riends# S!e tried

to stop lterntin' )etween (lin'in' nd n'er wit! t!em# *& t!ey &iled to return

(ll or in"ittion% s!e wited &or period nd (lled 'in insted o& (llin' t!em

ri'!t wy nd 'ettin' n'ry% or 'ettin' ex(essi"ely upset# S!e lso worked on

en!n(in' !er reltions!ips wit! !er more (ommitted &riends nd downplyin' !er

reltions!ips wit! !er less (ommitted ones# S!e de(ided to drop some &riends w!o

were prti(ulrly unstedy /nd usully l(o!oli(0 &rom !er li&e# T!is ws loss%

)ut t lest it ws she w!o ws doin' t!e de(idin'#<se t!e te(!ni7ues we des(ri)e in su)se7uent (!pters to !elp you (!n'e

your prti(ulr li&etrp# Work your wy down your list o& rein&or(in' )e!"iors#

On(e you !"e reson)le de'ree o& mstery wit! li&etrp% mo"e to t!e next

one#

Q H# K EE2 T3;*NG# Q

Do not 'i"e up or 'et dis(our'ed esily# Li&etrpscan (!n'e% )ut it tkes lon'

time nd lot o& work# 2erse"ere#onfront $ourself over an! over again.

Dnielle !s )een in t!erpy wit! us &or more t!n yer# O((sion8iry%

e"ents in !er li&e still tri''er !er A)ndonment li&etrp% )ut it !ppens less

&re7uently% !er &eelin's re less intense% nd t!e w!ole t!in' is o"er more 7ui(kly#

*n ddition% t!e tri''erin' e"ent !s to )e mu(! more serious% su(! s t!e )rekup

o& reltions!ip# =er li&e !s (!n'ed#

T!e most drmti( (!n'es !"e )een in !er reltions!ip wit! 3o)ert S!e !s

lerned to llow 3o)ert more norml mount o& seprtio =e !d )een &eelin'

smot!ered )y !er% nd spent lot o& time tryin' to 'et wy &rom !er# Some o& !is

l(k o& (ommitment ws n ttempt to resist !er (lin'in'# *n ddition% w!en s!e is

n'ry% s!e tells !im% )ut in (lm rt!er t!n r'e&ui wy# S!e tries to listen w!en

!e tells !er )out !is n'er or !is li&e S!e tries to let !im mke !is own de(isions#A &ew mont!s 'o% Dnielle told 3o)ert t!t eit!er !e !d to mrry !er or s!e

ws 'oin' to end t!e reltions!ip# =e (!ose to mrry !er# O& (ourse% t!in's do not

lwys work out t!is wy# Sometimes reltions!ips end# ut we )elie"e it is )etter

to end truly !opeless reltions!ip t!n to sty (u'!tin t!e A)ndonment li&etrp#



BI 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L $ 9 E

Q # 9O3G*@*NG ;O<3 2A3ENTS# Q

9or'i"in' your prents is not re7uired# 2rti(ulrly i& t!ere ws se"ere )use or

ne'le(t% you my ne"er )e )le to &or'i"e t!em# T!is is totlly your (!oi(e# ut we

!"e &ound t!t% in most (ses% &or'i"in' one6s prents is somet!in' t!t !ppens

nturlly% s t!e !elin' pro(ess pro'resses#

2tients 'rdully (ome to see t!eir prents less nd less s 'int% ne'ti"e &i'ures

in t!eir mind% nd more nd more s ust people wit! pro)lems nd (on(erns o&

t!eir own# T!ey see t!t t!eir prents were (u'!t wit!in t!eir own li&etrps% nd

were in &(t more like (!ildren t!n 'ints# T!ey )e(ome )le to &or'i"e t!em#

A'in% t!is does not lwys !ppen# *t my or my not !ppen to you#

Dependin' upon w!t !ppened in your (!ild!ood% you my de(ide ne"er to

&or'i"e t!em# *n &(t% you my e"en de(ide t!e opposite.to (ut o&& ll (ont(t# At

t!e end o& your pt! t!ere my or my not lie &or'i"eness% )ut you !"e to do w!t

is ri'!t &or you# We will support you eit!er wy#

OSTACLES TO C=ANGE

A&ter workin' wit! mny ptients% we !"e mde list o& t!e most (ommon

o)st(les to (!n'e# We !"e lso listed some possi)le solutions#

Q OSTACLE ^1F ;ou A3E CO<KTEKATTACK*NG * NSTEAD O9ACKNOWLEDG*NG AND TAK*NG 3 ES2ONS**L*T; 9O3 T=E L*9ET3A2# Q

*& you re !"in' trou)le (!n'in'% you my still )e )lmin' ot!ers &or your

pro)lems or your l(k o& pro'ress# ;ou my still )e !"in' trou)le dmittin' your

mistkes or tkin' responsi)ility &or (!n'in'# Or you my still )e

o"er(ompenstin' )y workin' !rder% impressin' people more% mkin' more

money% plesin' people more% nd so on# /9or more )out Countertt(kin'% see

C!pter B#0

$ed% t!e mn w!o mo"ed &rom womn to womn% !d to stru''le !rd to stop

Countertt(kin'# =is (riti(lness o& women% !is demnd t!t t!ey meet !is

impossi)ly !i'! stndrds &or )euty nd sttus% nd !is need &or (onstnt

ex(itement were wys !e mde !imsel& &eel )etter )out !is loneliness# =e !d to

'et )eyond !is Countertt(ks to (onne(t t !umn le"el wit! womn wit!out

(riti(i4in' !er or tryin' to impress !er# =e !d to 'et (lose enou'! to see )eyond

t!e li&etrp#

=ere re some solutions to t!is o)st(leF

Solution / Do n experiment# Mke list o& ll t!e (!oi(es you !"e re'retted in

your li&e# W!t i& t!ey teen your &ult =ow would you &eel W!t i& t!e (riti(isms

ot!ers !"e o& you have some "lidity W!t would t!t men )out you

Try to &eel t!e pin o& your &lws# Try to (knowled'e t!e pin o& your (!ild!ood+.w!t you wnted )ut did not 'et

Solution +/ Grdully strt workin' less or mkin' little less money# Try to

re&rin &rom deli)ertely impressin' ot!ers# 9eel w!t it is like to )e t!e sme s

e"eryone else rt!er t!n spe(il or superior# <nless you (n llow t!ese &eelin's

in% you will not mke yoursel& "ulner)le enou'! to (!n'e#

Q OSTACLE ^?F ;ou ESCA2E 93OM E>2E3*ENC*NG ;O<3 L*9ET3A2# Q

Es(pe is (ommon pro)lem# Mny ptients !"e trou)le 'i"in' up t!eir es(pe

routes# ;ou my &ind t!t you !"e similr di&&i(ulty# ;ou do not llow yoursel&

to t!ink )out your pro)lems% your pst% your &mily% or your li&e ptterns# ;ou

keep (uttin' o&& &eelin's or dullin' t!em )y drinkin' or tkin' dru's#

We understnd w!y you wnt to Es(pe To stop "oidin' mens to ly

yoursel& open to intense nxiety nd pin# All &i"e o& t!e ptients in C!pter 1 !d

to stru''le wit! t!is issue# 2tri(k !d to stop "oidin' t!e pro)lems in !is li&e )y

o)sessin' )out 9rn(ine# Mdeline !d to stop es(pin' t!e pin t!t sexul

intim(y e"oked &or !er# =et!er !d to stop "oidin' (ti"ities t!t s!e (onsidered

dn'erous# $ed !d to stop es(pin' &rom emotionl (loseness# And Crlton !d to

stop runnin' wy &rom !is own needs nd pre&eren(es#*t tkes moti"tion to o"er(ome Es(pe sa (opin' style ;ou !"e to see t!e

rest o& your li&e )e&ore you.eit!er stu(k in t!e li&etrp or &inlly &ree o& it#

Solution / ;ou must llow yoursel& to t!ink t!rou'! your pro)lems nd &ee: your

(!ild!ood pin )e&ore you (n (!n'e#



B1 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L $ 9 E

9or(e yoursel& to try some o& t!e (!ild!ood memory exer(ises we des(ri)e in

your li&etrp (!pter# Write down some (riti(isms o& your prents or some o& your

&lws nd "ulner)ilities#Keep doin' t!is e"ery dy#

Solution +/ Mke a list o& t!e d"nt'es nd disd"nt'es o& "oidin' your

&eelin's# 3ered t!e list e"ery dy to remind yoursel& o& w!y you re doin' t!is#

Solution J/ Stop es(pin' t!rou'! drinkin'% o"eretin'% usin' dru's% o"erworkin'%

et(% &or a &ew dys# Keep a diry in w!i(! you write down w!t you &eel# Try

some o& t!e im'ery exer(ises in your li&etrp (!pter durin' t!ese dys# Go to

twel"e8step pro'rm#



=ow L*9ET3A2S C=ANGE B?

3 A 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

Q OSTACLE ^F ;ou =A@E NOT D*S23O@ED T=E L*9ET3A2 TO ;O<3SEL9#

;ou ST*LL ACCE2T *T OK A 3 AT*ONAL LE@EL# Q

Anot!er o)st(le is (ontiriuin' to )elie"e t!e li&etrp is true# *& you ((ept your

li&etrp on a rtionl le"el% you re not 'oin' to try to (!n'e it9 ;ou !"e to (st

enou'! dou)t on t!e "lidity of your li&etrp &or you to do some of t!e experiments

to (!n'e#9or exmple% &or lon' time =et!er &elt extremely nxious in t!e situtions

s!e ws enterin'# T!is ws )e(use s!e still (elieve! t!e situtions were dn'erous

nd t!t (tstrop!e (ould strike t ny moment S!e mintined !yper"i'ilnt

stte% e"er lert &or possi)le !rm

=et!er still )elie"ed !er li&etrp# S!e )elie"ed t!t s!e ws ex(essi"ely

"ulner)le to !rm# S!e !d to (!n'e !er )elie&s# S!e did t!is in num)er o&

di&&erent wys, s!e edu(ted !ersel& )out relisti( pprisls o& dn'er% worked

(ontinully to lower t!e odds s!e ssi'ned to dn'er% nd took reson)le

pre(utions# S!e lerned to relx !er )ody in t!ese situtions# =er )elie&s 'rdully

yielded#

A li&etrp does not 'i"e wy ll at on(e# 3t!er% you must (ontinully (!ip

wy t it, )it )y )it% 'rdully wekenin' its pull#

Solution / 3eturn to t!e exer(ises in your li&etrp (!pter on dispro"in' your

li&etrp# Go t!rou'! t!em 'in# Mke (ommitment to &i'!tin' your )elie&s#

;ou my &ind it !elp&ul to sk someone you trust to !elp you wit! t!e

exer(ises# T!is person (n pro"ide more o)e(ti"e point o& "iew#

Solution +/ Look "ery (re&ully t!rou'! your li&e for ny e"iden(e t!t (!llen'es

your li&etrp# Look &or ny possi)le "enues o& (!n'e# Were t!ere extenutin'

(ir(umstn(es t!t in"lidte t!e li&etrp Were you )used Did you "oid tryin'

!rder )e(use you were &rid o& ree(tion nd &ilure Did you (!oose &riends%

lo"ers% )osses% et(#% w!o (on&irmed your li&etrp Try to play de"il6s d"o(te in

r'uin' 'inst your li&etrp#

Solution J/ Write your &ls!(rd nd Tead it se"erl times dy#

5 OSTACLE ^BF ;ou STA3TED W*T= A L*9ET3A2 O3 TASK T=AT WAS Too

D*99*C<LT# Q

2er!ps you !"e se"erl li&etrps% nd you strted wit! t!e one t!t is most

upsettin' &or you9 *& t!is li&etrp is too o"erw!elmin'% you my not )e )le to mke

pro'ress#



Or% per!ps you !"e (!osen n pproprite li&etrp% )ut your pln is too

m)itious# ;ou my !"e strted wit! (!n'e strte'y t!t is too di&&i(ult Crlton%

t!e people8pleser% is n exmple o& t!is# W!en Crlton &irst strted doin'

sserti"eness exer(ises% !e )e'n )y ttemptin' to )e sserti"e wit! !is &t!er# T!is

ws mistkeF it ws too !rd# Crlton would )e(ome "ery &er&ul nd un)le to

express !imsel&# Tryin' to (on&ront !is &t!er ri'!t o&& t!e )t ws settin' !imsel& up

&or &ilure

Crlton e"entully mstered sserti"eness wit! !is &t!er# ut !e !d to

s!rpen !is skills nd !is (on&iden(e on less t!retenin' people &irst =e strted wit!

strn'ers% su(! s slespeople nd witresses% 'rdully mo"ed up to (7uintn(es

nd (oworkers% nd then )e'n &o(usin' on more intimte reltions!ips#

T!is is one o& t!e most importnt rulesF 7la$s attempt managea(le tas&s.

Solution / rek your pln into smller steps#

Solution +/ Strt wit! t!e esier steps# Slowly )uild sense o& mstery# Work your

wy up to t!e di&&i(ult steps#

Q OSTACLE ^F ;ou 3 EAL*RE ;O<3 L*9E8T3A2 *S W3ONG ON A 3 AT*ONAL

LE@EL% <T EMOT*ONALL; ;O< ST*LL 9EEL *T *S @AL*D# Q

T!is !ppens lot# Most ptients tell us t!t &or mny mont!s t!ey still feel deep

down t!t t!e li&etrp is true% re'rdless o& w!t lo'i( nd e"iden(e tell t!em#

2tri(k.t!e mn w!ose wi&e kept !"in' &&irs.would sy t!is# E"en w!en

!e ws in !elt!y reltions!ip wit! st)le womn w!o (ould )e t!ere &or !im% !e

would still feel like s!e ws 'oin' to )ndon !im# *& s!e seemed momentrily

preo((upied or wit!drwn% !e )e(me lrmed nd )e'n despertely tryin' to 'et

!er )(k# =e would not llow t!e womn ny sp(e#

2tri(k &inlly !d to experiment )y lettin' 'o# =e !d to lern to 'i"e !er

some sp(e# =e ws not 'oin' to lose !er# =e !d to lern t!t it ws s&e to let !er

'o#

Solution / 3emind yoursel& t!t insight (omes 7ui(kly% )ut change (omes slowly#

;our !elt!y side will )e(ome stron'er nd stron'er% nd your li&etrp side will

)e(ome weker# e ptient# ;our &eelin'sUl (!n'e#



;ow L*9ET3A2S C=ANGE BB

_ OSTACLE ^F ;ou =A@E NOT D*S23O@ED T=E L*9ET3A2 TO ;O<3SEL9#

;ou ST*LL ACCE2T *T ON A 3 AT*ONAL LE@EL# Q

Anot!er o)st(le is (ontinuin' to )elie"e t!e li&etrp is true# *& you ((ept your

li&etrp on rtionl le"el% you re not 'oin' to try to (!n'e it ;ou !"e to (st

enou'! dou)t on t!e "lidity o& your li&etrp &or you to do some o& t!e experiments

to (!n'e#

9or exmple% &or lon' time =et!er &elt extremely nxious in t!e situtions

s!e ws enterin'# T!is ws )e(use s!e still (elieve! t!e situtions were dn'erous

nd t!t (tstrop!e (ould strike t ny moment# S!e mintined !yper"i'ilntstte% e"er lert &or possi)le !rm#

=et!er still )elie"ed !er li&etrp# S!e )elie"ed t!t s!e ws ex(essi"ely

"ulner)le to !rm# S!e !d to (!n'e !er )elie&s# S!e did t!is in num)er o&

di&&erent wys, s!e edu(ted !ersel& )out relisti( pprisls o& dn'er% worked

(ontinully to lower t!e odds s!e ssi'ned to dn'er% nd took reson)le

pre(utions# S!e lerned to relx !er )ody in t!ese situtions# =er )elie&s 'rdully

yielded#

A li&etrp does not 'i"e wy ll t on(e# 3t!er% you must (ontinully (!ip

wy t it% )it )y )it% 'rdully wekenin' its pull#

Solution / 3eturn to t!e exer(ises in your li&etrp (!pter on dispro"in' your

li&etrp# Go t!rou'! t!em 'in# Mke (ommitment to &i'!tin' your )elie&s#

;ou my &ind it !elp&ul to sk someone you trust to !elp you wit! t!e

exer(ises# T!is person (n pro"ide more o)e(ti"e point o& "iew#

Solution +/ Look "ery (re&ully t!rou'! your li&e &or ny e"iden(e t!t (!llen'es

your li&etrp# Look &or ny possi)le "enues o& (!n'e Were t!ere extenutin'

(ir(umstn(es t!t in"lidte t!e li&etrp Were you )used Did you "oid tryin'

!rder )e(use you were &rid o& ree(tion nd &ilure Did you (!oose &riends%

lo"ers% )osses% et(#% w!o (on&irmed your li&etrp Try to ply de"il6s d"o(te in

r'uin' 'inst your li&etrp#

Solution J/ Write your &ls!(rd nd red it se"erl times dy#

Q OSTACLE ^BF ;ou STA3TED W*T= A L*9ET3A2 O3 TASK T=AT WAS TOO

D*99*C<LT# Q

2er!ps you !"e se"erl li&etrps% nd you strted wit! t!e one t!t is most

upsettin' &or you# *& t!is li&etrp is too o"erw!elmin'% you my not )e )le to mke

pro'ress#

Or% per!ps you !"e (!osen n pproprite li&etrp% )ut your pln is too

m)itious# ;ou my !"e strted wit! (!n'e strte'y t!t is too di&&i(ult#

Crlton% t!e people8pleser% is n exmple o& t!is# W!en Crlton &irst strted doin'

sserti"eness exer(ises% !e )e'n )y ttemptin' to )e sserti"e wit! !is &t!er# T!is

ws mistke% it ws too !rd# Crlton would )e(ome "ery &er&ul nd un)le to

express !imsel&# Tryin' to (on&ront !is &t!er ri'!t o&& t!e )t ws settin' !imsel&

up &or &ilure#

Crlton e"entully mstered sserti"eness wit! !is &t!er# ut !e !d to

s!rpen !is skills nd !is (on&iden(e on less t!retenin' people &irst =e strted wit!

strn'ers% su(! s slespeople nd witresses% 'rdully mo"ed up to (7uintn(es

nd (oworkers% nd then )e'n &o(usin' on more intimte reltions!ips#T!is is one o& t!e most importnt rulesF 7la$s attempt managea(le tas&s.

Solution / rek your pln into smller steps#

Solution +/ Strt wit! t!e esier steps# Slowly )uild sense o& mstery# Work your

wy up to t!e di&&i(ult steps#

Q OSTACLE ^F ;ou 3 EAL*RE ;O<3 L*9ET3A2 *S W3ONG ON A 3 AT*ONAL

LE@EL% <T EMOT*ONALL; ;O< ST*LL 9EEL *T *s @AL*D# Q

T!is !ppens lot# Most ptients tell us t!t &or mny mont!s t!ey still fe! deep

down t!t t!e li&etrp is true% re'rdless o& w!t lo'i( nd e"iden(e tell t!em#

2tri(k.t!e mn w!ose wi&e kept !"in' &&irs.would sy t!is# E"en w!en

!e ws in !elt!y reltions!ip wit! st)le womn w!o (ould )e t!ere &or !im%

!e would still feel like s!e ws 'oin' to )ndon !im# *& s!e seemed momentrily

preo((upied or wit!drwn% !e )e(me lrmed nd )e'n despertely tryin' to 'et

!er )(k# =e would not llow t!e womn ny sp(e#

2tri(k &inlly !d to experiment )y lettin' 'o# =e !d to lern to 'i"e !er

some sp(e =e ws not 'oin' to lose !er# =e !d to lern t!t it ws s&e to let !er

'o%

Solution / 3emind yoursel& t!t insight (omes 7ui(kly% )ut change (omes slowly#

;our !elt!y side will )e(ome stron'er nd stron'er% nd your li&etrp side will

)e(ome weker# e ptient# ;our &eelin'siU (!n'e#



B 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

Solution +/ ;ou (n speed up t!e pro(ess somew!t )y doin' more experientil

exer(ises# Write dilo'ues )etween your !elt!y side nd your li&e8trp# Get n'ry

t your li&etrp# Cry )out t!e wy you were treted s (!ild# Let yoursel& &eel t!e

inusti(e#

9 9 9 9 9 9 6 6 < i=lut # iu> <ii (ouli(ii(Ls your literrp# T!is new e"iden(e will

!"e power&ul e&&e(t on t!e wy t!t you &eel#

Solution K/ 9inlly% sk &riends &or !elp nd support ;our &riends (n !elp you see

t!t your li&etrp is in"lid#

POSTACLE ^F ;ou =A@E NOT EEN S;STEMAT*C AND D*SC*2L*NED

AO<T C=ANG*NG# `

;ou my ppro(! (!n'e ina !itor8miss &s!ion# 2er!ps you only work on it

on(e in a w!ile# ;ou miss steps# ;ou skip &rom li&etrp to li&etrp# ;ou resist doin'

ll t!e writin' t!t is re7uired#

*n t!is we re d"o(tes o& t!e (li(!e% +Slow nd stedy wins t!e r(e#+ ;our

li&etrp is like ro(k w!i(! you must (!ip wy wit! a !mmer# *& you only

!mmer it spordi(lly% sometimes on one prt nd sometimes on not!er% wit!

!l&8!erted tps% t!e ro(k is 'oin' to )e t!ere &or a lon' time# *t is mu(! more

e&&i(ient nd e&&e(ti"e to !mmer wy systemti(lly wit! !rd% de(isi"e tps#

Solution I/ Go )(k t!rou'! t!e (!pter on t!e li&etrp nd mke sure you !"e

(ompleted ll t!e exer(ises# Did you do im'ery Did you list t!e e"iden(e pro nd

(on Did you write &ls!esrd Write letter to your prents Mke pln &or

)e!"ior (!n'e Do ll t!e exer(ises in writin'% not ust in your !ed

Solution +/ Set side &ew minutes e"ery dy to re"iew your pro'ress# 3ered your

&ls!(rds# Ws your li&etrp (ti"ted tody Did you do nyt!in' to surrender to

your pttern 2us! yoursel& to t!ink% &eeL or (t di&&erentlyeach !a$.

P OSTACLE ^HF ;O<3 2LAN *S M*SS*NG AN *M2O3TANT ELEMENT# Q

2er!ps you do not &ully understnd ll t!e t!ou'!ts% &eelin's% nd )e!"iors t!t

rein&or(e your li&etrp# ;ou re missin' (!n'e step t!t is ne(essry to mkin'

pro'ress#

Crlton illustrtes t!is# Despite )e(omin' more sserti"e wit! !is wi&e nd

(!ildren% !e remined 7uite n'ry nd un!ppy# =e would (lmly tell t!em w!en !e

ws n'ry% !e would sy +no+ to unreson)+6F raa5++6 r.

uu, ubiiu #uiiukiiiy VSIWLL M wnted.nis opinions nd pre&eren(es# =e ws not tellin'

ot!er people w!t !e wnted &rom t!em% nd t!en ws n'ry !e ws not 'ettin' it#

Cormnuni(tin' !is needs ws n importnt element &or Crlton#

Solution / Ask someone you trust to re"iew your li&etrp nd pln wit! you#

2er!ps t!is person will noti(e somet!in' in your li&e pttern t!t you !"e missed#

Solution +/ 3e"iew t!e list o& )e!"iors t!t re typi(l o& your li&etrp Pmore

(re&ully# /See t!e (!pter de"oted to your li&etrp to &ind t!is list#0 Did you

o"erlook prt o& t!e pttern t!t relly!oes pply to you

Q OSTACLE ^F ;O<3 23OLEM *S TOO E NT3ENC=ED O3 DEE283OOTED TO

CO33ECT ON ;O<3 OWN1# Q

e&ore t!ey (ome to us% mny ptients try "ery !rd to (!n'e on t!eir own# *t is

w!en t!ey !"e little su((ess t sel&8!elp t!t t!ey strt t!erpy#

T!is my !ppen to you# E"en i& you &ollow ll t!e steps outlined in t!is )ook%

you my still )e un)le to (!n'e# Despite ll your e&&orts% t!e li&etrp still rules

your li&e#

*t my )e t!t you (nnot (!n'e lone# *& t!is !ppens% seek out t!erpy# A

(lose rektions!ipwit! someone you trust my well )e w!t you need# A t!erpist

(n reprent you% or (on&ront you% or )e more o)e(ti"e in pointin' out pro)lems#

Solution/ Seek pro&essionl !elp &rom t!erpist or 'roup#

Now mt you !"e n ide o& our 'enerl pln o& (tion% let us turn to t!e (!pterson indi"idul li&etrps# *n t!is wy% t!e (!n'e pro(ess (n )e'in#



;ow L*9ET3A2S C=ANGE B

6"PLEASE DON' T LEAVE ME!" THE

ABANDONMENT LIFETRAP

A;F TWENT;8E*CS=T ;EA3S OLD# S=E L*@ES * N 9EA3 T=AT S=E *S COTN TO LOSE

=E3 =<SAND#

T!e "ery &irst t!in' A))y told me )out !ersel& ws t!t !er &t!er !d died w!en

s!e ws (!ild#

A;F V as seven $ears ol! hen it happene! 4e ha! a heart attac& at or&.

It realt$ hurts me to a!mit this, (ut I have onl$ vague memories of him

left. 7n! pictures, of course. 4e as (ig an! arm. 4e hugge! me a lot

7fter he as gone, I use! to stan! ($ the in!o an! ait for him to

come home. Starts to a$) I guess I 1ust coul!n5t accept that it ha! happene!

I5ll never forget the feeling I ha! aiting for him ($ the in!o. T=E3A2*STF

Is that feeling ith $ou an$here in $our life noH A;F Yes, it5s a feeling that5s

ttu6t&e me no. It5s the a$ I feel hen m$ hus(an! goes aa$.

A))y nd Kurt% !er !us)nd% re !"in' pro)lems )out Kurt6s &re7uent )usiness

trips# E(! time !e le"es on trip% A))y )e(omes "ery upset#



T=E AANDONMENT <9ET3A2 BH

A;F #here is ala$s a scene, I start to cr$, an! he tries to reassure me, (ut it

!oesn5t or&. 0hile he 5M aa$, hat$ the time I5m terrifie! an! half the time I5m

cr$ing. I feel so lone#

0hen he gets (ac& I5m so angr$ at &irn for hat he put me through,

#hat5s the iron$ of the hole thing. 0hen he finall$ gets home, I5m so ma! that

I !on5t even ant to see him.

Kurt !s )e'un to dred (omin' !ome# A))y lso (lls !im on t!e telep!one too

o&ten w!en !e is wy# S!e on(e !d !im p'ed wy &rom n importnt )usiness

meetin' ust )e(use s!e wnted to !er !is "oi(e#

2AT3*CK F T=*3T;89*@E ;EA3S OLD# = E * S MA33$ED TO A WOMAN W=O =AS A99A*3S

WET= OT=E3 MEN#

2tri(k did not &(e su(! drmti( losses in !is li&e# =is story ws more one o&

(onstnt loss% dy )y dy# <ntil 2tri(k ws ei'!t yers old% !is mot!er ws n

l(o!oli(

2AT3*CKF 7t her orst, she ent on (inges. She5! (egone for to or three !a$s.

as never sure if she as coming (ac&. Even at her (est, hen she as !rin&ing at home, she asn5t there for

me. 0hether she as gone or home, if she as !rin&ing, I as alone.

2tri(k is mrried to 9rn(ine% womn w!o !s !d series o& &&irs wit! ot!er

men# S!e keeps promisin' t!t s!e will stop nd )e &it!&ul to 2tri(k% )ut s!e does

not stop# S!e le"es t!e !ouse% wit! one o& numerous explntions nd protesttions

o& inno(en(e% nd 2tri(k knows s!e is lyin'#

E"en )e&ore !e strted t!erpy% 2tri(k !d )een stru(k )y t!e similrity

)etween !ow !e &eels now% witin' &or !is wi&e to (ome !ome% nd !ow !e &elt s

(!ild witin' &or !is mot!er#

2AT3*CKF V on!er a(out it. Even though @rancine !oesn5t !rin&, I5m going

through the hole thing ith m$ mother again. I !on5t un!erstan! it. I ail for

@rancine to come home, an! it5s that same lonel$ feeling.

L*NDSA;F T=*3T;8TWO ;EA3S OLD# S=E =AS O N E 3Eib"Trow8

S=*2 A9TE3 ANOT=E3 AND NE@E3 SETTLES DOWN#

Our &irst impression o& Lindsy ws t!t s!e ws lik)le nd intense# Most people

tke w!ile to wrm up to us% )ut not Lindsy# S!e "ery 7ui(kly )e(me

emotionlly in"ol"ed wit! us# Wit!in &ew sessions we &elt like we !d )een !er t!erpists &or yers#

*n t!e &irst session% Lindsy told us w!y s!e !d (omeF

L*NDSA;F V ish I coul!fin! that right man, the one ho ill marr$ me an!

e5ll sta$ together forever, (ut it never seems to happen. T=E3A2*STF 0hat

happens instea!H L*NDSA;F I go from one man to another.

Lindsy6s reltions!ips re tur)ulent S!e 'ets in"ol"ed "ery intensely% "ery &st S!e

&eels &ri'!tened )ut swept wy# Sometimes e"en in t!e &irst weeks o& reltions!ip%

s!e is syin' +* lo"e you%+ wntin' to )e wit! t!e mn e"ery minute% nd tlkin'

)out )ein' to'et!er &ore"er# *n &(t% s!e s(res most men wy )e(use s!e is too

mu(! too soon#

Lindsy is pssionte# S!e !s lwys !d more intense &eelin's t!n t!e

"er'e person# *n romnti( reltions!ips% s!e seems to lose ll sense o& reson nd

to 'et lost in !er emotions# As soon s t!e mn pulls wy sli'!tly% s!e )e'ins

((usin' !im o& wntin' to le"e !er# And s!e tests !im% seein' !ow &r s!e (n 'o

)e&ore !e will le"e !er% sometimes doin' outlndis! t!in's# 9or exmple s!e on(e

ttended !er )oy&riend6s )irt!dy prty nd le&t wit! not!er mn#

W!en reltions!ip ends nd s!e is lone% s!e &eels )ored nd empty# Ne'ti"e

&eelin's strt to o"erw!elm !er% nd s!e rus!es into not!er reltions!ip# =er

reltions!ips re s!ort% nd t!ey lwys end wit! t!e mn )ndonin' !er# *n t!e end%

ll !er )oy&riends !"e le&t !er#



T=E AANDONMENT <9ET3A2 B

T=E AANDONMENT <EST*ONNA*3E

T!is 7uestionnire will mesure t!e stren't! o& your A)ndonment li&e8trp# Answer

t!e items usin' t!e s(le )elow# 3te e(! item )sed on t!e wy you !"e &elt or

)e!"ed in general !uring $our a!ult hfe. *& t!ere !s )een lot o& "rition durin'

di&&erent periods o& your dult yers% &o(us more on the most recent $ear or to in

rtin' n item

T=E AANDONMENT L*9ET3A2 & 1 S(o3iN

K E;





Mostly true o& me


*& you !"e ny 6s or 6s on t!is 7uestionnire% t!is li&etrp my still pply to

you% e"en i& your s(ore is in t!e low rn'e#

SCO3E DESC3*2T*ON

1# * worry lot t!t t!e people * lo"e will die or le"e me#

?# ) (lin' to people )e(use * m &rid t!ey will le"e me

# * do not !"e st)le )se o& support

B# * keep &llin' in lo"e wit! people w!o (nnot )e t!ere &or me

in (ommitted wy#

# 2eople !"e lwys (ome nd 'one in my li&e#

# ) 'et desperte w!en someone * lo"e pulls wy#

H# ) 'et so o)sessed wit! t!e ide t!t my lo"ers wiil le"e me

t!t * dri"e t!em wy#

# T!e people (losest to me re unpredi(t)le# One minute t!eyre t!ere &or me nd t!e next minute t!ey re 'one#

J# * need ot!er people too mu(!#

1I# *n t!e end% ) will )e lone#

-&!$ T&TAL S*&$E

/Add your s(ores to'et!er &or 7uestions 181I0



* NTE323ET*NG ;O<3 AANDONMENT SCO3E

1I81J @ery low# T!is li&etrp pro))ly does not pply to you# ?I8?J 9irly low#

T!is li&etrp my only pply occasionall$.I8J Moderte# T!is li&etrp is n

issue in your li&e# BI8BJ =i'!# T!is is de&initely n important li&etrp &or you#

I8I @ery !i'!# T!is is de&initely one o& your core li&etrps#

T=E 9EEL*NG O9 AANDONMENT

;ou !"e &undmentl )elie& t!t you will lose t!e people you lo"e nd )e le&t

emotionlly isolted &ore"er# W!et!er people will die% send you wy% or le"e you%

some!ow you &eel t!t you will )e le&t alone. ;ou expe(t to )e )ndoned% nd you

expe(t it to lst &ore"er# ;ou )elie"e you will ne"er re'in t!e person you !"e lost#

*n your !ert% you &eel it is your destiny to li"e your li&e (ompletely lone#

2AT3*CKF #here are times, hen I5m !riving or something, tvhe? it comes to me. I

&no @rancme5s eventuall$ going to leave me. She5U fall in love ith one of

these gu$s, an! that5ll (e it. 7n! aS I5ll have left is missing her.

T!e li&etrp 'i"es you sense o& despir )out lo"e# ;ou )elie"e t!t no mtter !ow

'ood t!in's seem% in t!e end your reltions!ips re doomed#

*t is di&&i(ult &or you to )elie"e t!t people will )e t!ere &or you.nd t!t

t!ey re still t!ere &or you in some wy e"en w!en t!ey re )sent Most people re

not upset )y s!ort seprtions &rom t!eir lo"ed ones# T!ey know t!e reltions!ip

wili sur"i"e t!e seprtion int(t# ut wit! t!e A)ndonment li&etrp t!ere is no

su(! se(urity# As A))y sys% +W!ene"er * see Kurt wlkin' out t!e door% * &eel like

!e is ne"er (omin' )(k#+ ;ou wnt to (lin' to people too mu(!% nd you )e(ome

inppropritely n'ry or &ri'!tened t t!e possi)ility o& ny seprtion% no mtter

!ow sli'!t# 2rti(ulrly in romnti( reltions!ips% you &eel emotionlly 6dependent

on t!e ot!er person% nd you &er t!e loss o& t!t intimte (onne(tion#

A)ndonment is usully prever(al li&etrpF it )e'ins in t!e &irst yers o& li&e%

)e&ore t!e (!ild knows ln'u'e# /A))y is n ex(eption# =er li&etrp )e'n lter% t

se"en% w!en !er &t!er died# Correspondin'ly% !er li& errp is sli'!tly less se"ere

t!n it mi'!t )e ot!erwise#0 *n most (ses% t!e )ndonment strts erly% )e&ore t!e

(!ild !s words to des(ri)e w!t is !ppenin'# 9or t!is reson% e"en in dult!ood

t!ere my )e no t!ou'!ts (onne(ted to t!e experien(e o& t!e li&etrp# =owe"er% i&

you try to tlk )out t!e experien(e% t!e words re somet!in' like% +*6m ll lone%+

+No one is t!ere &or me#+ e(use t!e li&etrp )e'ins so erly% it !s tremendous

emotionl &or(e A person wit! se"ere A)ndonment li&etrp responds to e"en )rie&

seprtions wit! t!e &eelin's o& smll (!ild w!o !s )een )ndoned#

T!e A)ndonment li&etrp is tri''ered primrily )y intimate reltions!ips# *t

my not )e pprent in 'roups or in (sul reltions!ips# Seprtions &rom lo"edone re t!e most power&ul tri''ers# =owe"er% seprtions do not !"e to )e rel to

tri''er t!e li&etrp% nor do t!ey !"e to o((ur on p!ysi(l le"el# *& you !"e t!e

li&etrp% you re o"erly sensiti"e nd o&ten red t!e intent to )ndon you into

inno(ent remrks# T!e most power&ul tri''ers re rel loss or seprtion.di"or(e%

someone mo"in' or 'oin' wy% det!.)ut o&ten tri''ers re mu(! more su)tle

e"ents#

;ou o&ten &eel emotionall$ )ndoned# 2er!ps your spouse or lo"er (ts

)ored% distnt% momentrily distr(ted% or more ttenti"e to not!er person# Or

per!ps your spouse or lo"er su''ests pln t!t in"ol"es spendin' )rie& time

prt# Anyt!in' t!t &eels dis(onne(ted (n tri''er t!e li&etrp% e"en i& it !s not!in'

to do wit! rel loss or )ndonment#

Lindsy% &or exmple% on(e )ruptly le&t dinner prty )e(use !er )oy&riend

i'nored remrk s!e !d mde

L*NDSA;F Freg an! I ere at a !inner part$, an! he as tal&ing to the

oman sitting ne?t to &irn, an! he !i!n5t hear liat I as sa$ing to him.

I got up an! left. I felt totall$ crushe!. 0hen he calle! me the ne?t !a$.

I fle into a rage a(out it. T=E3A2*STF 0hat as it that upset $ou so muchH

L*NDSA;F I ha! seen him loo&ing at tins oman earlier. I as sure he as

attracte! to her.

Gre'% w!o !d not e"en !erd !er remrk% ws nturlly (on&used )y !er extreme

re(tion# T!is episode &urt!er (on"in(ed !im t!t Lindsy ws not t!e ri'!t person

&or !im# *n t!e end /s Lindsy !d lwys known !e would0% !e le&t !er#



T=E C;CLE O9 AANDONMENT

On(e t!e li&etrp is tri''ered% pro"ided t!e seprtion lsts lon' enou'!% t!e

experien(e pro'resses t!rou'! (y(le o& ne'ti"e emotionsF &er% 'rie&%

BA 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

nd n'er# T!is is t!e (y(le o& )ndonment# *& you !"e t!e li&etrp% you will

re(o'ni4e it#

9irst% you !"e pni(ky &eelin'% s t!ou'! you re smll (!ild le&t lone%

per!ps in supermrket% nd you (nnot &ind your mot!er temporrily# ;ou !"e

&rnti(% +W!ere is s!e% *6m il lone% 9m lost%+ kind o& &eelin'# ;our nxiety (n

)uild to t!e le"el o& pni(% nd (n lst &or !ours% e"en dys# ut i& t!e nxiety 'oes

on lon' enou'!% it psses# E"entully it su)sides% nd yields to ((eptn(e t!t t!e

person is 'one# T!en you experien(e 'rie& )out your loneliness% s t!ou'! you

ne"er will re(o"er t!e lost person# T!is 'rie& (n e"ol"e into depression# And

&inlly% prti(ulrly w!en t!e person returns% you experien(e n'er t t!e person &or

le"in' you nd t yoursel& &or needin' so mu(!#

Q Two T;2ES O9 AANDONMENT Q

T!ere re two types o& )ndonment% nd t!ey (ome &rom two types o& erly

(!ild!ood en"ironments# T!e &irst type (omes &rom n en"ironment t!t is toose(ure nd o"erprote(ted# T!is type represents (om)intion o& t!e A)ndonment

nd Dependen(e li&etrps# T!e se(ond type (omes &rom n en"ironment t!t is

emotionlly unst)le No one is (onsistently t!ere &or t!e (!ild#

Two T;2ES O9 AANDONMENT

1#A)ndonment )sed upon dependen(e

?#A)ndonment )sed upon inst)ility or loss

Mny people w!o !"e t!e Dependen(e li&etrp lso !"e t!e A)ndonment

li&etrp# *n &(t% it is di&&i(ult to im'ine person !"in' t!e Dependen(e li&etrp

nd not !"in' t!e A)ndonment li&etrp# 2eople w!o !"e t!e Dependen(e li&etrp

)elie"e t!t t!ey (nnot survive lone# T!ey need stron' &i'ure to 'uide nd dire(t

t!em t!rou'! t!e (ti"ities o& dy8to8dy Me% T!ey needhelp. A))y is n exmple

o& person w!o !s )ot! li&etrps#

T=E3A2*STF 0hat !o $ou imagine oul!happen to $ou if $ou actuall$ lost :urtH

A;F V !on5t &no, 31ust cot!!n5t (ope ithout him. I coul!n5t li"e# V can5t imagine m$ 4fe ithout him. T=E3A2*STF 0oul! $ou (e a(le to surviveAto

eat, clothe $ourself, &eep

$ourself sheltere!H

A;F 6o. I can5t function in the orl! alone. Dause.) I guess I (elieve I oul!

!ie ithout him.

*& you )elie"e your li&e depends on not!er person% t!en t!e possi)ility o& Losin'

t!t person is terri&yin'# Certinly% nyone w!o !s stron' Dependen(e li&etrp

will lso !"e n issue wit! )ndonment

=owe"er% t!e re"erse is not true# Mny people !"e stron' A)ndonment

li&etrp nd do not !"e n issue wit! dependen(e# T!ey )elon' to t!e se(ond type%

w!ose li&etrp rose &rom t!e inst)ility o& t!e (!ild6s emotionl (onne(tions to t!e

people w!o re most intimte.t!e mot!er% t!e &t!er% sisters nd )rot!ers% nd

(lose &riends# ot! 2tri(k nd Lindsy re &rid o& )ein' )ndoned )y t!e people

t!ey lo"e% )ut t!ey (n &un(tion independently# T!ey !"e dependen(e o& sorts on

t!eir prtners% )ut it is n emotional, rt!er t!n functional, dependen(e

*& your li&etrp rose &rom inst)ility% t!en w!t !ppened ws you

experien(ed n emotionl (onne(tion% nd t!en it ws lost ;ou (nnot )er to )e

prt &rom t!e people you lo"e )e(use o& t!e wy you feel wit!out t!em# *t is

mtter o& &eelin' (onne(ted to t!e rest o& !umnity8 W!en t!e (onne(tion is lost youre t!rown into not!in'ness#

L*NDSA;F 7fter Freg left me, I as totall$ alone. I coul! feel it aroun! me, 4&e an

ache. #here as 1ust nothing at all.



;ou need ot!er people to &eel soot!ed# T!is di&&ers &rom )ndonment )sed upon

dependen(e% in w!i(! you need someone to tke (re o& you s (!ild needs prent *n one (se% you re lookin' &or 'uidn(e% dire(tion% nd !elp, nd in t!e

ot!er (se% you re lookin' &or nurturn(e% lo"e% nd sense o& emotionl

(onne(tion#

T!ere is not!er di&&eren(eF Dependent people o&ten !"e num)er o& people

lined up s )(kups in (se t!eir min person le"es# T!ey !"e someone

immeditely "il)le to tke t!e person6s pl(e% or t!ey &ind someone new% nd

7ui(kly &orm not!er dependent reltions!ip# 9ew lonely people !"e dependen(e

undernet!# Dependent people do not tolerte t!e loneliness# Most dependent

people re 7uite tlented t &indin' someone to tke (re o& t!em# T!ey 'o &rom one

person to not!er% wit! rrely more t!n mont! )etween#

T!is is not ne(essrily true o& people w!o &eremotional )ndonment# T!ey

(n )e lone &or lon' periods o& time# T!ey mi'!t wit!drw &rom (lose reltions!ips

out o& !urt nd out o& &er o& )ein' !urt 'in# T!ey !"e lredy &(ed t!e

loneliness s (!ildren% nd t!ey know t!ey (n sur"i"e# T!t is not t!e issue# *t is

t!e pro(ess o& loss t!t is de"sttin'#



T=E AANDONMENT L*9ET3A2 ?

*E is !"in' t!t (onne(tion% nd t!en losin' it% nd )ein' t!rown )(k into t!e

loneliness one more time#

T=E O3*G*NS O9 T=E AANL>0NMENT L*9ET3A2

W!en we tlk )out t!e ori'ins o& li&etrps% we &o(us primrily on &etures o& t!e

(!ild6s environment We know 7uite )it )out t!e dys&un(tionl &mily

en"ironments.su(! s )use% ne'le(t% nd l(o!olism.t!t seem to promote

indi"idul li&etrps# We downply t!e (ontri)ution o& here!it$, in prt )e(use

reser(!ers know so little )out t!e role o& )iolo'y in determinin' our lon'8term

personlity ptterns# We ssume t!t !eredity must mke its mrk in terms o& our

temperment% w!i(! in turn in&luen(es !ow we re treted s (!ildren nd !ow we

respond to t!t tretment# ut we rrely !"e ny wy o& 'uessin' !ow (!ild6s

temperment in&luen(es t!e de"elopment o& spe(i&i( li&etrps#

A)ndonment is n ex(eption to t!is 'enerl rule# 3eser(!ers w!o study

in&nts !"e o)ser"ed t!t some ))ies re(t &r more intensely to seprtion t!n

do ot!ers# T!is su''ests t!t some people my )e )iolo'i(lly predisposed to

de"elop t!e A)ndonment li&etrp#

T!e wy we respond to seprtion &rom person w!o tkes (re o& us seems

t lest prtly innte# Seprtion &rom t!e mot!er is "itl issue in new)orn6s li&e#

T!rou'!out t!e niml world% in&nts re totlly dependent on t!eir mot!ers &or

sur"i"l% nd i& n in&nt loses its mot!er% it usully dies% *n&nts re )om prepred

to )e!"e in wys desi'ned to end seprtions &rom t!eir mot!ers# T!ey (ry nd

s!ow si'ns o& distress# T!ey +protest%+ s $o!n ow$)y (lled it in !is ( lssi( )ook%

Separation.

owl)y wrote )out in&nts nd youn' (!ildren w!o were temporrily

seprted &rom t!eir mot!ers# T!e ))ies were pl(ed in nurseries bm' wit! ot!er (!ildren# O)ser"tion o& t!ese (!ildren re"eled t!ree p!ses o& t!e seprtion

pro(ess% displyed )y ll t!e ))ies#

OWL;6S T=3EE 2=ASES O9 SE2A3AT*ON

1#Anxiety

?#Despir

#Det(!ment

9irst t!e ))ies +protested%+ s we !"e noted% nd ex!i)ited 'ret nxiety#

T!ey ser(!ed &or t!eir mot!ers# *& not!er person tried to (om&ort



3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

t!em% t!ey were in(onsol)le% T!ey s!owed &ls!es o& n'er t t!eir mot! ers# ut s

time pssed nd t!eir mot!ers did not (ome% t!ey 'rew resi'ned nd settled into

period o& depression# *n t!is p!se t!ey were pt!eti( nd wit!drwn# T!ey were

indi&&erent to ttempts to (onne(t wit! t!em emotionlly )y t!e st&&# *& enou'! rime

pssed% !owe"er% t!e ))ies (me out o& t!is depression nd &ormed ot!er

tt(!ments#

*& t!e mot!er t!en returned% ))y entered t!e t!ird p!se% det(!ment T!e

))y ws (oid to t!e mot!er nd did not ppro(! or s!ow interest in !er# As time

pssed% !owe"er% t!e ))y6s det(!ment )roke% nd t!e ))y )e(me tt(!ed to t!e

mot!er on(e 'in# T!is ))y ws likely to )e (lin'y nd nxious w!en t!e mot!er

ws out o& si'!t.to !"e w!t owl)y (lls +nxious tt(!ment+ to t!e mot!er#

owl)y sys t!is pttern o& nxiety% despir% nd det(!ment is uni"ersl# *t is

t!e response t!t ll youn' (!ildren !"e to seprtion &rom t!eir mot!ers#

9urt!ermore% t!e response o((urs (ross t!e niml kin'dom# Not only !umn

in&nts )ut in&nts o& ll niml spe(ies 'enerlly disply t!e sme pttern# Su(!

uni"erslity o& )e!"ior stron'ly su''ests +)iolo'i(l predisposition#

;ou mi'!t re(o'ni4e t!e similrity )etween owl)y6s seprtion pro(ess nd

w!t we !"e (lled t!e (y(le o& )ndonment% nxiety% 'rie&% nd n'er# Some

people like Lindsy% seem )orn wit! t!e (p(ity to experien(e t!is (y(le o&

emotions to n un(ommonly stron' de'ree# W!en seprtion o((urs% t!e nxiety%'rie&% nd n'er t!t t!ey &eel re so intense t!t t!ey re un)le to soot!e

t!emsel"es% nd t!ey &eel totlly dis(onne(ted nd desperte# T!ey (n distr(t

t!emsel"es &rom t!e &eelin' &or only s!ort time# Wit!out t!e person t!ere t!ey

(nnot mke t!emsel"es &eel (lm nd se(ure# Su(! people re extremely sensiti"e

to losin' t!e ones t!ey lo"e T!ey (onne(t deeply to ot!er people.t!is is one o& t!eir

'i&ts. )ut t!ey (nnot tolerte )ein' lone#

2eople w!o re )om wit! tenden(y to respond to seprtion so intensely nd

w!o re un)le to soot!e t!emsel"es in t!e )sen(e o& lo"ed person re pro))ly

more likely to de"elop t!e A)ndonment li&etrp% ut t!is does not men t!t

e"eryone w!o !s t!e )iolo'i(l predisposition de"elops t!e li&etrp# *t depends in

prt on t!e erly (!ild!ood en"ironment#

*& you !d st)le emotionl (onne(tions s n in&nt prti(ulrly to your

mot!er )ut lso to ot!er importnt people% t!en e"en i& you re )iolo'i(lly

predisposed you my not de"elop t!e li&etrp# And (ertin en"ironments re so

unst)le or &illed wit! su(! loss t!t e"en i& you re not t ll predisposed you my

de"elop t!e li&etrp#

Ne"ert!eless% it is likely t!t t!e more person !s t!e )iolo'i(l predisposition% t!e

less trum is needed to (ti"te t!e li&etrp% nd we mi'!t look in "in t!rou'! t!e

pst &or t!e resons t!t usti&y its intensity#

T=E O3*G*NS O9 T = E AANDONMENT L$9ET3A2

.9 ;ou my !"e )iolo'i(l predisposition to seprtion nxiety8.

di&&i(ulty )ein' lone#

?#A prent died or le&t !ome w!en you were youn'#

#;our mot!er ws !ospitli4ed or seprted &rom you &or pro8

lon'ed period o& time w!en you were (!ild#

B# ;ou were rised )y nnnies or in n institution )y su((ession o&

mot!er &i'ures% or you were sent wy to )ordin' s(!ool t "ery

youn' 'e

=. ;our mot!er ws unst)le# S!e )e(me depressed% n'ry% drunk%

or in some ot!er wy wit!drew &rom you on re'ulr )sis%

# ;our prents di"or(ed w!en you were youn' or &ou'!t so mu(!

t!t you worried t!e &mily would &ll prt#

H# ;ou lost t!e ttention o& prent in si'ni&i(nt wy# 9or exmple%

)rot!er or sister ws )om or your prent remrried#

# ;our &mily ws ex(essi"ely (lose nd you were o"erprote(ted#

;ou ne"er lerned to del wit! li&e6s di&&i(ulties s (!ild#

Certinly% loss o& prent t n erly 'e is t!e most drmti( ori'in o& t!e li&etrp#

T!is ws t!e ori'in &or A))y# 2er!ps prent )e(me ill nd !d to )e wy &rom

you &or lon' time# 2er!ps your prents di"or(ed% nd one prent mo"ed wy nd

'rdully &or'ot you# Det! o& prent% illness% seprtion% nd di"or(e re ll in t!e

sme (te'ory o& importnt reltions!ips t!t end in seprtion# Loss o& prent is



T=E AANDONMENT L*9ET3A2 B

prti(ulrly de"sttin' in t!e &irst yers o& li&e# Generlly% t!e erlier t!e loss% t!e

more "ulner)le t!e (!ild% nd t!e more potent t!e li&etrp is 'oin' to )e#

=ow deeply t!e loss o& prent &&e(ts you depends upon num)er o& ot!er

&(tors# O& (ourse% t!e 7ulity o& your ot!er intimte (onne(tions is importnt A))y%

&or exmple% !d lo"in' nd st)le reltions!ip wit! !er mot!er t!t !elped sustin

!er nd worked 'inst t!e stren't! o& !er li&etrp# =er li&etrp is (ir(ums(ri)ed# S!e

reen(ts it only in !er romnti( reltions!ips wit! men# *& you re )le to est)lis!

(onne(tion wit! su)stitute &or t!e lost prent% su(! s wit! stepprent% t!t (n

!elp s well# And it (n !elp i& t!e lost prent is restored to you in some wy% su(! s

w!en n ill prent re(o"ers nd (omes !eme% or seprted prents reunite% or n

l(o!oli( prent )e(omes so)er# Mny kinds o& experien(es (n !elp !el your

li&etrp# =owe"er% t!e memory o& )ein' )ndoned still remins# *& you !"e !d

lr'e mount o& !elin' experien(e% it mi'!t re7uire drmti( e"ents to tri''er your

li&etrp% su(! s t!e (tul loss o&a lo"ed person# *& you lost prent t youn' 'e%

you re (utely wre o& w!t it (n men to su&&er loss% nd t!e prospe(t o& )ein'

t!rown )(k into t!t pin is &ri'!tenin'#

T!is is t!e (rux o& t!e di&&eren(e )etween t!e A)ndonment li&etrp nd t!e

Emotionl Depri"tion li&etrp# Wit! Emotionl Depri"tion% t!e prent ws lwys

ph$sicall$ t!ere% )ut t!e 7ulity o& t!e emotionl reltions!ip ws (onsistently

inde7ute# T!e prents did not know !ow to lo"e% nurture% nd empt!i4e well

enou'!# T!e (onne(tion wit! prents ws sta(le, (ut not close enough. Wit!

A)ndonment% t!e (onne(tion on(e existed nd it ws lost. Or t!e prent would

(ome nd 'o unpre!icta(l$. <n&ortuntely% &or some (!ildren% t!eir prents were

(oth emotionlly inde7ute nd unpredi(t)le *n t!is en"ironment% w!i(! is 7uite

(ommon% (!ildren will usully de"elop )ot! t!e Emotionl Depri"tionan! A)n8

donment li&etrps#

Aside &rom t!e $oss o& a prent% not!er ori'in &or A)ndonment is t!e )sen(e

o& one person w!o (onsistently ser"es s mternl &i'ure &or t!e (!ild# C!ildren

w!ose prents !"e no time &or t!em% w!o re rised )y su((ession o& nnnies or in

su((ession o& das68(re (enters% or w!o re rised in institutions w!ere t!e st&&

(onstntly (!n'es re exmples o& t!is ori'in# 2rti(ulrly durin' t!e &irst yers% t!e

(!ild needs t!e st)le presen(e o& one (retker# T!e (retker does not ne(essrily

!"e to )e t!e prent# =owe"er% i& t!ere is (onstnt turno"er in w!o ser"es s t!t

person% it(retesdisruprion To t!e(!ild% it (n seem like li"in' in world o&

strn'ers#

T!e next ori'in is more su)tle# ;ou my !"e st)le mot!er &i'ure% )ut t!ere

my )e inst)ility in t!e wy s!e relates to you# 9or exmple% 2tri(k6s l(o!oli(

mot!er (ould )e "ery lo"in' nd (onne(ted one moment% nd t!en totlly indi&&erent

wit!in mtter o& &ew !ours# And Lindsy6s mot!er% per!ps re&le(tin' t!e sme

)iolo'i(l predisposition s Lindsy !ersel&% ws su)e(t to intense mood swin's#S!e ws p!ysi(lly t!ere )ut t!e wy s!e relted to Lindsy ws unpredi(t)le#

L*NDSA;F 2$ mother as ihere for me, or I shoul! sa$ she as present Sometimes

she as happ$ an! e?cite! an! intereste! in me. Other times she as !eep in

!epression, la$ing in (e! all !a$ an! not respon!ing, no matter hat I !i!.

T!is ori'in re&le(ts t!e moment to8rnoment inter(tions t!t pss )etween mot!er

nd (!ild# *& t!ese inter(tions re unst)le% t!en t!e (!ild (n de"elop t!e

A)ndonment li&etrp%

2tri(k6s mot!er ws not )usi"e w!en s!e drnk# S!e ws indi&&erent# *t is not

ne(essrily )usi"e prents w!o 'i"e rise to t!e A)ndonment li&etrp# *& you !"e

prent w!o% )e(use o& dru' )use or temper pro)lems% ws lterntely lo"in' nd

)usi"e% you my or my not !"e de"eloped t!e A)ndonment li&etrp# *t depends

on w!et!er you experien(ed t!e )use s loss o& emotionl (onne(tion# To (!ild

w!o (n 'et little else &rom prent% e"en punis!ment (n )e experien(edas

(onne(tion# A)usi"e prents (n )e eit!er (onne(ted or wit!drwn# T!is explins

w!y A)use nd A)ndonment re not ne(essrily t!e sme issue#

T!ere re ot!er (!ild!ood situtions t!t &oster t!e de"elopment o& t!e

A)ndonment u&etrp# 2er!ps your prents were (ontinully &i'!tin'% nd you &elt

t!e &mily ws unst)le nd mi'!t dissol"e# Or per!ps your prents di"or(ed nd

one or )ot! remrried into &milies wit! ot!er (!ildren ;ou my !"e experien(edyour prent6s in"ol"ement wit! t!e new &mily mem)ers s n )ndonment Or

per!ps your prent wit!drew ttention nd nurturin' &rom you to 'i"e it to

youn'er si)lin'# O& (ourse% not ll new )irt!s in a &mily re trumti( &or t!e older

(!iid# T!ese e"ents do not ala$s (rete t!e li&etrp# *t depends upon t!e de'ree o&

dis(onne(tion# To (rete t!e li&etrp% t!e e"ents must tri''er power&ul &eelin's o&

)ndonment



3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

O&ten% a (!ild w!o &eels )ndoned )y prent will &ollow t!t prent round#

T!e (!ild wilt s!dow t!e prent% wt(! t!e prent% sty ner t!e prent t ll times#

To n outside o)ser"er% it mi'!t seem s t!ou'! t!e prent nd (!ild !"e stron'

(onne(tion# *n &(t% t!e (onne(tion is not stron' enou'!% so t!e (!ild must lwys

keep t!e prent in "iew to mke sure t!e (onne(tion is still t!ere# Mintinin' t!e

(onne(tion wit! t!e prent (n )e(ome t!e most importnt t!in' in t!e (!ild6s li&e

nd (n sp t!e ttention t!e (!ild !s &or ot!er people in t!e world%

9inlly% s we noted )e&ore% t!e A)ndonment li&etrp (n rise &rom n

werprote(ti"e en"ironment nd )e(ome mixed wit! Dependen(e# T!e dependent

(!ild &ers )ndonment# T!is is w!t !ppened to A))y wit! !er mot!er#

A;F 7fter m$ father !ie!, m$5mother !i!n5t ant me to leave her si!e. She as

afrai! something oul! happen to me, that she oul! lose me, too. I ala$s

ante! to (e near m$ mother. I remem(er I !i!n5t ant to go to school, an! I5!

rather (e home than out pla$ing ith frien!s.

A))y6s need to )e dose to !er mot!er undermined !er utonomy# S!e ws not &ree to

explore t!e world nd de"elop (on&iden(e in !er )ility to tke (re o& !ersel&# S!e

styed dependent on !er mot!er &or 'uidn(e nd dire(tion# *n trut!% t!is ws

pro))ly w!t !er mot!er wnted s well# =er mot!er (ould not &(e not!er loss#

Ot!er (!ildren respond to t!e loss o& prent )y )e(omin' more utonomous#

Sin(e no one is tkin' (re o& t!em% t!ey lern !ow to tke (re o& t!emsel"es#

AANDONMENT AND *NT*MATE 3ELAT*ONS=*2S

*& you !"e t!e A)ndonment li&etrp% your romnti( reltions!ips re seldom (lm

nd stedy# 3t!er% t!ey o&ten &eel like roller (oster rides# T!is is )e(use you

experien(e t!e reltions!ip s perpetully on t!e )rink o& (tstrop!e Lindsy

expressed w!t it ws like &or !er in n im'e in t!erpy# S!e ws tlkin' )out

&i'!t s!e !d !d wit! Gre'% w!i(! !d ended in typi(l &s!ion.wit! !er pledin'

nd !im )ein' (old nd loo&#

T=E3A2*STF !ose $our e$es an! give me an image of ho $ou feel L*NDSA;F V see

m$self failing (ac&ar!s. It5s 4&e falling (ac&ar!s into this !ar& cellar, here I5ll

(e all alone forever. Freg is pushing me (ac&ar!s into the cellar, an! the !oor is

going to shut, an! I5m going to (e all alone.

T=E3A2*STF 0hat are $ou feehngH

L*NDSA;F #errifie!.

*& your li&etrp is se"ere% t!is is !ow you experien(e e"en minor disruptions in your

intimte reltions!ip# ;ou &eel t!t i& your (onne(tion to t!e lo"ed person were lost%

you would )e plun'ed into utter loneness#

Some people w!o !"e t!e A)ndonment ii&etrp (ope )y "oidin' intimte

reltions!ips lto'et!er# T!ey would rt!er remin lone t!n 'o t!rou'! t!e pro(ess

o& loss 'in# 2tri(k ws t!is wy &or mny yers )e&ore !e mrried 9rn(ine

T=E3A2*STF You ere alone a long time.

K<3TF l1ust coul!n5t &eep going through it It as too painful. I coul! never fin!

someone ho oul! (e there for me. I as (etter offa(ne. 7t least I ha! some

peace.



T=E AANDONMENT L*9ET3A2 H 1

*& you re willin' to en''e in intimte reltions!ips% t!en you pro))ly do not !"e

pe(e# ;our reltions!ips &eel unst)le# T!e sense t!t you mi'!t lose t!em is

lwys t!ere#

;ou !"e di&&i(ulty tolertin' ny wit!drwl in reltions!ip# ;ou worry

)out e"en relti"ely smll (!n'es% ex''ertin' t!e pro))ility t!e reltions!ip

will end# Lindsy interprets t!e sli'!test si'n o& disstis&(tion &rom !er )oy&riends

s e"iden(e t!t t!ey wnt to end t!e reltions!ip# Anytime )oy&riend is n'ry

wit! !er% upset wit! !er% &eelin' dis(onne(ted.nyt!in' rele"nt to t!e possi)ility

t!t !e mi'!t )ndon !er.s!e &eels (ertin it is t!e end# $elousy nd

possessi"eness re (ommon t!emes# S!e perpetully accuses !er )oy&riends o&

wntin' to le"e !er% !)it t!t (n )e(ome 7uite irrittin'# *n sel&8&ul&illin'

prop!e(y% !er reltions!ips re mrked )y &re7uent )rekups nd tumultuous

re(on(ilitions#

Similrly% e"ery time !er !us)nd le"es on )usiness trip% A))y worries

o)sessi"ely t!t !is plne will (rs! nd !e will die# Ot!er times s!e 'ets (u'!t up

in worryin' t!t !er mot!er will )e(ome si(k nd die or t!t !er (!ildren will die#

S!e 'oes t!rou'! periods o& t!inkin' only )out det! nd )out !ow s!e will not

)e )le to mn'e lone#

Erly in your reltions!ips% you )e(ome ex(essi"ely (lin'y# Clin'in'

rein&or(es your li&etrp )e(use it rein&or(es t!e ide t!t you re 'oin' to lose t!e

person# *t keeps t!e possi)ility o& )ndonmenta&ve in t!e reltions!ip#

;our (lin'in' !s desperte 7ulity# Lindsy illustrtes t!is well# As wit! !er

mot!er% !er (onne(tion wit! !er )oy&riend ne"er &eels stron' enou'!# S!e &eels

lonely nd lost% so s!e pours !er w!ole li&e into t!e reltions!ip# =er )sorption is

totl As s!e sys% s!e )e(omes o)sessed% &or'ettin' )out t!e outside world# All !er

ener'y )e(omes in"ested in keepin' t!e (onne(tion )e(use it is so importnt#

DANGE3 S*GNALS LN T=E EA3L; STAGES O9 DAT*NG

;ou pro))ly &eel drwn to lo"ers w!o !old some potentil &or )ndonin' you#

=ere re some erly wrnin' si'ns# T!ey re si'ns t!t your reltions!ip istri''erin' your A)ndonment li&etrp#



T=E AANDONMENT L*9ET3A2 H

DANGE3 S*GNALS *N 2OTENT*AL 2A3TNE3S

1# ;our prtner is unlikely to mke lon'8tem (ommitment )e(use

!eVs!e is mrried or in"ol"ed in not!er reltions!ip%

+. ;our prtner is not (onsistently "il)le &or you to spend time

to'et!er /e'#% !eVs!e tr"els tot% li"es &r wy% is work!oli(0#

# ;our prtner is emotionlly unst)le /e#'#% !eVs!e drinks% uses

dru's% is depressed% (nnot !old down re'ulr o)0 nd (nnot )e t!ere

&or you emotionlly on ( onsistent )sis#

B# ;our prtner is 2eter 2n% w!o insists on !isV!er &reedom to (ome

nd 'o% does not wnt to settle down% or wnts t!e &reedom to !"e mny

lo"ers#

# ;our prtner is m)i"lent )out you.!eVs!e wnts you )ut

!olds )(k emotionlly, or one moment (ts deeply in lo"e wit! you nd

t!e next moment (ts s t!ou'! you do not exist#

;ou re not lookin' &or prtners w!o present no !ope o& st)le reltions!ip% rt!er you re ttr(ted to prtners w!o present some !ope &or st)ility% )ut not (omplete

!ope.w!o present mixture o& !ope nd dou)t# ;ou &eel s i& t!ere is possi(ilit$

t!t you mi'!t win t!e person permnently% or t lest 'et t!e person to relte to you

in more st)le &s!ion#

;ou re ttr(ted most to prtners w!o s!ow some de'ree o& (ommitment nd

(onne(tion% )ut not so mu(! t!t you re )solutely sure t!t t!ey will sty# Li"in' in

n unst)le lo"e reltions!ip &eels (om&ort)le nd &milir to you# *t is w!t you

!"e lwys known# And t!e inst)ility keeps (ti"tin' your li&etrp% 'enertin'

stedy &low o& (!emistry# ;ou sty pssiontely in lo"e# C!oosin' prtners w!o re

not relly t!ere &or you ensures t!t you will (ontinue to reen(t your (!ild!ood

)ndonment

<NDE3M*N*NG GOOD 3ELAT*ONS=*2S

E"en i& you (!oose prtner w!o is st)le% t!ere re still pit&lls to "oid# T!ere re

still wys &or you to rein&or(e your A)ndonment li&etrp#



5 8 3 E $ N @ E * M T * N ; O < 3 L * 9 E

AANDONMENT L*9ET3A2S *N A 3 ELAT*ONS=*2

1# ;ou "oid intimte reltions!ips e"en wit! pproprite prtners

)e(use you re &rid o& losin' t!e person or'ettin'too(lose nd )ein'

!urt

?# ;ou worry ex(essi"ely )out t!e possi)ility t!t your prtner will

die or ot!erwise )e lost% nd w!t you would do# P

# ;ou o"erre(t to minor t!in's your prtner sys or does% nd

interpret t!em s si'ns t!t !eVs!e wnts to le"e you#

B#;ou re ex(essi"ely elous nd possessi"e#

#;ou (lin' to your prtner# ;our w!ole li&e )e(omes o)sessed wit!

keepin' !imV!er#

# ;ou (nnot stnd to )e wy &rom your prtner% e"en &or &ew

dys#

H# ;ou re ne"er &ully (on"in(ed t!t your prtner will sty wit! you#

\ ;ou 'et n'ry nd ((use your prtner o& not )ein' loyl or

&it!&ul#

*. ;ou sometimes det(!% le"e% or wit!drw to punis! your prtner &or le"in'

you lone#

*t is possi)le t!t you re in st)le% !elt!y reltions!ip% yet (ontinue to feel

t!t t!e reltions!ip is unst)le T!is is t!e (se wit! A))y# We !"e met wit! Kurt

se"erl times% nd )elie"e !e is &ully (ommitted to t!e mrri'e# O)e(ti"ely% t!ere

is no e"iden(e t!t !e intends to le"e A))y# On t!e (ontrry% !e seems "ery mu(!

in lo"e# ut A))y some!ow (n ne"er )e ressured o& t!is# T!is &rustrtes Kurt% )e(use !e (nnot win !er trust#

K<3TF 6o matter hat I !o she !ou(ts me. She !rives me cra$. She is especiall$

suspicious a(out m$ (usiness trips. @or a(solutel$ no reason, she thin&s I5m

having affairs ith other omen. Sometimes I on!er if s!e6s the one ho

ants to (e ith other men. 0h$ !oes she tal& a(out it so muchH

;ou mi'!t lso &ll into not!er A)ndonment li&etrp.)e!"in' in wys t!t tend

to dri"e your prtner wy# Lindsy% &or exmple% )lows up e"en minor r'uments

to su(! proportions t!t t!ey t!reten to end t!e reltions!ip# S!e ex''ertes t!e

menin' o& &i'!ts ust s A))y ex''ertes t!e menin' o& seprtions &rom !er

!us)nd durin' !is )usiness trips#

Lindsy nd A))y (onstntly sy su(! t!in's to t!eir prtners sF +;ou don6t

relly io"e me%+ +* know you re 'oin' to le"e me%+ +;ou don6t miss me%+ +;ou re

'ld t!t we !"e to )e prt#+ We know t!t Lindsy nd A))y sy t!ese t!in's to

t!eir prtners% )e(use t!ey lso sy t!em to us, t!ey keep witin' &or us to t!row

t!em out o& tretment or mo"e wy# T!eir ((ustions (onstntly su''est to t!eir

prtners t!t t!ey do not (re% t!t t!ey e"entully le"e# Lindsy nd A))y pus!

t!e people t!ey lo"e wy wit! one !nd% w!ile (lin'in' despertely to t!em wit!t!e ot!er#

W!ene"er t!e reltions!ip &eels t!retened in ny wy% you !"e stron'

emotionl re(tion# *t (ould )e nyt!in' t!t )reks t!e (onne(tion wit! your

prtner. momentry seprtion% t!e mention o& someone w!o in(ites your

elousy% n r'ument% or (!n'e in your prtner6s mood# ;our prtner lmost

in"ri)ly &eels you re o"erre(tin'% nd mi'!t well express )ewilderment# *t

seems like su(! drsti( response to minor disruption# Kurt des(ri)ed w!t it is

like+

K<3TF 0e get to the airport an! su!!enl$ 7(($ is aS upset. She5s cr$ing li&e

someone has !ie! or something. I feel so confuse! ($ it aS. 4ere I am, going

on a to'!a$ trip, an! she5s acting h&e our marriage is over.

*t &eels like tremendous o"erre(tion to prtner w!o does not s!re t!e li&etrp#

;ou usully do not &eel 'ood w!en you re loneF you pro))ly &eel nxious%

depressed% or det(!ed# ;ou need t!e &eelin' o& (onne(tion to your prtner# As soon

s your prtner le"es% you &eel dis(onne(ted# <sully t!is &eelin' o& )ndonment

does not 'o wy until your prtner returns# ;ou (n distr(t yoursel& &rom it% )ut

t!e &eelin' o& )ein' dis(onne(ted is lwys t!ere# *t lurks in t!e )(k'round witin'

to en'ul& you# Almost e"eryone w!o !s t!e li&etrp !s limit to t!e mount o&

time t!ey (n distr(t t!emsel"es% nd t!en t!ey (nnot do it nymore#

T!e )etter you re t distr(tion% t!e lon'er you (n )e lone# T!e worse you

re t distr(tion% t!e 7ui(ker you experien(e t!e wntin'% t!e sense o& loss% nd t!e

need to re(onne(t#



5 9 3 E $ N @ E * M T * N ; O < 3 L * 9 E

A;F V as gar!ening, tr$ing to forget a(out :urt (eing gone, an! m$ neigh(or

came ($. #al&ing to her, it occurre! to me that from the outsi!e, it loo&e! as

though I as en1o$ing m$self, h&e I as a person

ho as reall$ en1o$ing m$ solitu!e. 8ut G asn5t en1o$ing m$self. I felt more

h&e someone ho as running an! running, an! hen I as too tire! to run

an$more, the (a! feehngs oul! catch up ith me ogam.

Det(!ment is t!e Countertt(k &or A)ndonment W!en you re det(!ed% you re

denyin' t!e need &or (onne(tion# *t is de&int% +* don6t need you#+ T!ere is usully

some n'er mixed in wit! your det(!ment% nd it is prtly puniti"e# ;ou punis!

your prtner &or wit!drwin' &rom you% &or not 'i"in' you w!t you need Alt!ou'!

t!is !elps you (ope wit! your &eelin's o& )ndonment% you py pri(e% you 'i"e

up your &eelin's nd exist in (!illy emotionl num)ness#

A rel loss% su(! s t!e )rekup o& reltions!ip% is de"sttin' to you# *t

(on&irms your sense t!t no mtter w!ere you turn% you will ne"er &ind st)le

(onne(tion# ;ou mi'!t &eel m)i"lent )out strtin' new reltions!ips# 2rt o& you

wnts to (onne(t% nd not!er prt nti(iptes )ndonment# 2rt o& you wnts t!e

(loseness% nd not!er prt is n'ry% usully )e&ore nyt!in' !s !ppened to

wrrnt it# T!e reltions!ip my )e ust )e'innin'% nd t times you &eel like t!e

person is lredy 'one#

93*ENDS

*& your A)ndonment li&etrp is stron'% it pro))ly &&e(ts ot!er intimte

reltions!ips su(! s (lose &riends!ips# T!e sme issues (ome up in (lose

&riends!ip s in romnti( reltions!ip% lt!ou'! not s intensely#

;ou !"e n underlyin' "iew o& &riends!ips s unst)le# ;ou (nnot (ount on

t!em to lst 2eople (ome nd 'o in your li&e ;ou re !ypersensiti"e to nyt!in' t!t

mi'!t t!reten t!e (onne(tion wit! &riend.t!e person mo"in' wy% seprtions%

t!e person not returnin' p!one (lls or in"ittions% dis'reements% or t!e person

de"elopin' ot!er interests or pre&errin' someone else#

L*NDSA;F I5m reall$ ma! at m$ frien! >alerie. I calle! her 2on!a$, an! it5s

0e!nes!a$, an! she still hasn5t calle! me (ac&. I5m thin&ing of calling her an!

telling her off. She has no right to treat me this a$;

C=ANG*NG ;O<3 AANDONMENT L*9ET3A2 =ere re t!e steps

to (!n'in' your A)ndonment li&etrpF



C=ANG*NG AANDONMENT

1#<nderstnd your (!ild!ood )ndonment#

?#Monitor your &eelin's o& )ndonment# *denti&y your !ypersen8

siti"ity to losin' (lose people, your desperte &ers o& )ein' lone, your

need to (lin' to people#

# 3e"iew pst reltions!ips% nd (lri&y t!e ptterns t!t re(ur# List

t!e pit&lls o& )ndonment#

B# A"oid un(ommitted% unst)le% or m)i"lent prtners e"en t!ou'!

t!ey 'enerte !i'! (!emistry#

# W!en you &ind prtner w!ois st)le nd (ommitted% trust !tmV

!er# elie"e t!t !eVs!e is t!ere &or you &ore"er% nd will not le"e#

# Do not (lin'% )e(ome elous% or o"erre(t to t!e norml sepr8

tions o& !elt!y reltions!ip#

. Un!erstan! Your hil!hoo! 7(an!onment. 9irst% (onsider w!et!er you !"e

)iolo'i(l predisposition to de"elop t!e li&etrp# ="e you lwys )een n

emotionl person Did you !"e di&&i(ulty s (!ild seprtin' &rom t!e people youlo"e Ws it !rd &or you to strt s(!ool or sleep t &riend6s !ouse Did you

)e(ome o"erly upset w!en your prents went out &or t!e e"enin' or wy &or s!ort

trips Did you (lin' to your mot!er in new pl(es more t!n t!e ot!er (!ildren Do

you still !"e lot o& trou)le (opin' wit! t!e intensity o& your &eelin's

*& you nswered +yes+ to mny o& t!ese 7uestions% it my )e t!t you (n )e

!elped )y medi(tion% We !"e seen mny ptients !elped to (ontin t!eir &eelin's

t!rou'! t!e use o& medi(tion# *& you !"e t!erpist% you mi'!t spek to !im or

!er )out t!is possi)ility% or mke n ppointment wit! psy(rutrist to )e

e"luted#

W!et!er or not you !"e )iolo'i(l predisposition% it is importnt to

understnd t!e situtions in your (!ild!ood t!t (ontri)uted to your li&e8trp# W!en

you !"e some 7uiet% pe(e&ul time% let im'es o& your (!ild!ood &lot to t!e top o&

your mind# W!en you &irst strt% do not &or(e your im'es in ny dire(tion# Let

im'es emer'e undistur)ed#

T!e )est pl(e to strt is wit! &eelin' o& )ndonment in your (urrent li&e#

W!en somet!in' !ppens now in your li&e t!t tri''ers your &eelin's o&

)ndonment% (lose your eyes nd remem)er w!en you &elt t!t wy )e&ore#



1 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L T 9 E

L*NDSA;F Ever since Freg tol! me he as t2n&ing of (rea&ing up, I5ve (een so

upset I can5t thin& a(out an$thing else. I5ve (een snapping at people, even at

or&. I5m so angr$. I can @ (elieve he5s !oing this to me. 7n! I &eep calSng

him. I can5t help it. 4e5s starling to get reaS$ ma! at me, (ut I can5t help it.

T=E3A2*STF lose $our e$es an! get an image of Freg. 0hat !o $ou seeH

L*NDSA;F I see his face, loo&ing atmeU&e he5s !isguste!, 4&e he thin&s I5m so

pathetic for tr$ing to hol! on to him.

T=E3A2*STF 0hat are $ou feelingH

L*NDSA;F Li&e I hate 2m an! I ant him at the same time.

T=E3A2*STF Five me an image of hen $ou felt this a$ (efore, as far (ac& as $ou can.

L*NDSA;F Dause.) 0hat comes is visiting m$ mother in the hospital. I am eight

$ears ol!, an! m$ father is ta&ing me to visit m$ mother in the hospital. 2$

father tells me she too& too man$ pills ($ mista&e. 8ut I &no something more

is going on. 7n! al& in the room an! I see m$ mother, an! I hate her so

much, (ut at the same time ant her to come home so (a!l$.

9or'e t!ese links )etween t!e present nd t!e pst wit! im'ery# Try to remem)er

t!e )e'innin's o& your &eelin's o& )ndonment#

+. 2onitor Your @eelings of 7(an!onment. e(ome wre o& your &eelin's o&

)ndonment now in your li&e =one your )ility to re(o'ni4e w!en your li&etrp is

tri''ered# 2er!ps you re under'oin' loss somew!ere in your li&e# ;ou my !"e

prent w!o is ill% spouse w!o is 'oin' wy% reltions!ip t!t is endin'% lo"er

w!o is unstedy.w!o keeps erkin' you round.or you my )e so seled o&& &rom

t!e possi)ility o& loss t!t you re totlly lone#

See i& you (n re(o'ni4e t!e (y(le o& )ndonment in your li&e# A))y% 2tri(k%

nd Lindsy ll sw t!is (y(le (lerly on(e t!ey looked &or it#

2AT3*CKF It reaU$ is the same thing ever$ time. @irst, I realie @rancine isn5t coming home an! I5m frantic. One minute, I5m terrifie! that something has

happene! to her, that she5s ha! a car acci!ent. #he ne?t minute, I5m so angr$

at her for !oing this to me again that Ifeell coul! &iS her hen she al&s in

the !oor.

Igo on 4&e this for hours until I5m too tire! to &eep !oing it. #hen I he

!on, an! I feel so !epresse!. I 1ust tr$ to sleep.

0hen she finall$ gets home, most of the time I 1ust !on5t care. 8ut

sometimes I get angr$ again hen I see her, an! it5s har! for me not to

&it her.

Allow yoursel& to experien(e ll t!e &eelin's in t!e (y(le# e(ome wre o& t!e

(y(le w!ene"er you ride it

*t is importnt &or you to strt spendin' time lone i& you re not doin' so#

hoose to spend time lone insted o& runnin' wy# T!is ws somet!in' A))y

lerned to do# W!en A))y &irst (me to t!erpy% s!e spent mu(! o& !er time in

&rnti( e&&ort to "oid )ein' lone# S!e lwys !d someone stndin' )y% in person

or )y p!one% w!o (ould tke (re o& !er i& s!e needed it A))y !d to lem to

tolerte )ein' lone# Lter s!e lerned to ppre(ite solitude

A;F It feels goo! to stop schem(tg aU the time a(out ho to &eep people near

me. It too& a lot out of me. I tell m$self that I can function on m$ on, that I

can ta&e care of m$self, that I can (e o&a$ alone.

;ou (n strt little t time Spend time lone# Mke it spe(il# Do t!in's you

enoy# ;our &ers will pss# *& you do it o&ten enou'!% you (n pss t!rou'! t!e &ers

)to sp(e o& pe(e#

J. Revie Dast Romantic Relationships an! larif$ the Datterns #hat Recur.

List the Ditfalls of 7(an!onment. Mke list o& t!e romnti( reltions!ips

in your li&e# W!t went wron' wit! e(! one Ws t!e person o"erprote(8

ti"e% nd did you !old on t ll (osts Ws t!e person unst)le Did you

le"e e(! person )e(use you were too &rid t!e person would le"e you

Do you keep pi(kin' people w!o re likely to le"e you Were you so

elous nd possessi"e t!t you dro"e t!e person wy W!t pttern

emer'es W!t re t!e pit&lls &or you to "oid

W!en Lindsy mde !er list% s!e sw t!t s!e !d )een t!rou'! one unst)le

reltions!ip &ter not!er# *n &(t% !er reltions!ip wit! us ws t!e &irst time t!t

someone ws t!ere &or !er on (onsistent )sis w!o would not 'o wy# And we

&elt t!t our reltions!ip st)ili4ed Lindsy# *t s!owed us on(e 'in !ow importnt

solid reltions!ip (n )e% !ow t!e person (n relly settle down% )e(ome (entered%

more )le to &o(us on li"in' li&e

K. 7voi! Uncommitte!, Unsta(le, or 7m(ivalent Dartners Even #hough

#he$ Fenerate 4igh hemistr$. Try to &orm reltions!ips wit! st)le

people# A"oid people w!o re 'oin' to tke you on roller (oster ride%



? 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L T 9 E

even though these are the e?act people to hom $ou are most attracte!. 3emem)er

t!t we xe not syin' t!t you s!ould 'o out wit! people you &ind unttr(ti"e% )ut

n intense sexul ttr(tion ma$ )e si'n t!t your prtner is tri''erin' your

A)ndonment li&etrp# *& t!is is so% t!e reltions!ip mens trou)le% nd you s!ould

pro))ly t!ink twi(e )out pursuin' it

*n t!e middle o& !er se(ond yer o& t!erpy% Lindsy strted 'oin' out wit!

mn s!e met t work /s!e is !i'! s(!ool rt te(!er0# =is nme ws 3i(!rd% nd

!e ws not!er te(!er t !er s(!ool Wit! 3i(!rd% Lindsy !d !er &irst st)le

reltions!ip wit! mn# 3i(!rd ws (ler )out !is (ommitment to Lindsy# Ner t!e end o& our se(ond yer o& t!erpy% !e sked !er to mrry !im# =e ws n

l(o!oli(% )ut !e !d )een in re(o"ery &or twel"e yers# =e ws (onsistently t!ere

&or Lindsy emotionlly# *n &(t% !e ws t!e unru&&led type w!o seldom )e(me

moody or lost !is (ool Emotionl people nd (lm% rtionl people o&ten &orm

reltions!ips wit! one not!er# 3i(!rd6s stedy lo"e &or Lindsy !elped (ontin !er

intense emotions% ust s !er reltions!ip wit! us did#

W!en Lindsy )e'n t!e reltions!ip wit! 3i(!rd% s!e only &elt modertely

ttr(ted to !im% )ut !er ttr(tion 'rew# <nlike most o& !er ot!er reltions!ips wit!

men% Lindsy styed &riends wit! 3i(!rd &or se"erl mont!s )e&ore t!ey )e(me

lo"ers# T!is !d t!e e&&e(t o& st)ili4in' t!e reltions!ip s well# Lindsy &elt less

"ulner)le% nd s!e did not (lin' s mu(! nor mke !er usul ((ustions o&

in&idelity#

2tri(k ended !is mrri'e to 9rn(ine# =e &inlly understood t!t s!e ws

ne"er 'oin' to (!n'e% no mtter !ow mu(! !e tried to impro"e !imsel& &or !er#

Alt!ou'! !e predi(ted !e would ne"er )e(ome interested in ny ot!er women% !e is

dtin' ot!er women now# =e is lernin' )out !imsel& in reltions!ips# More

importntly% !e is lernin' to &eep !imsel& in reltions!ips# 2tri(k !s lwys 'i"en

!imsel& entirely wy% so t!t !e !d not!in' nd t!e ot!er person !d e"eryt!in'# *&

you 'i"e e"eryt!in' to t!e ot!er person% it is (tstrop!e to lose t!t person#

2tri(k is lernin' to !old on to !is power in reltions!ips#

2AT3*CKF V ala$s thought the hole point of a relationship as to hol! on to the

other person. I oul! !o an$thing to &eep her. 8ut no I see that I can let

people go an! survive. I can lei people go an! al& aa$, an! eventuall$ I5ll

(e fine.

=. 0hen You @in! a Dartner 0ho is Sta(le an! ommitte!, #rust 4imG4er. 8elieve

#hat 4e;She is #here for You @orever, an! 0ill 6ot Leave. A&ter so mu(!

experien(e wit! )ndonment% it is !rd to lern to trust# ut t!is is t!e only wy to

&inlly step out o& t!e (y(le nd &ind &ul&illment in lo"e Get o&& t!e roller (oster#

Gi"e up t!e wild% unst)le lo"e in &"or o& t!e stron' nd stedy#

All t!ree o& our ptients !d to lern to trust A))y !d to lern t!t Kurt ws

relly t!ere &or !er% e"en w!en !e ws wy#

A;F ft5s funn$, (ut feel 4&e the en! of the Wi4rd o& O4# 0hat I as loo&ing

for the hole time as in m$ on (ac&$ar!. I alrea!$ have ith :urt hat I

have ala$s ante! most, someone ho is there for me (ut ho ants me to

stan! on m$ on.

Similrly% 2tri(k nd Lindsy !d to lern to trust t!eir prtners in !elt!y%

(ommitted reltions!ips#

N. %o 6ot ling, 8ecome 1ealous, or Overreact to the 6ormal Separations of a

4ealth$ Relationship. *& you re in 'ood reltions!ip wit! st)le% (ommitted

prtner% lern to (ontrol your tenden(y to o"erre(t to emotionl sli'!ts# T!e )est

wy is )y workin' on yoursel&# Explore your own re sour(es% nd lern t!t you (n

)e lone nd &louris!# To 'et )y dy8to8dy% remem)er t!t you (n mke

&ls!(rds# <sin' &ls!(rd e(! time your li&etrp is tri''ered (!ips wy t t!e

li&etrp% wekenin' it#

We !elped Lindsy write &ls!(rd /see t!e next p'e0 to del )etter wit! !er

reltions!ip wit! 3i(!rd# S!e used it to stop ( lin'in' nd mkin' ((ustions% nd

to re&&irm !er trust in !im nd in !ersel& w!ene"er t!t trust &elt s!ken#



A N AANDONMENT 9LAS=CA3D

3i'!t now * &eel de"stted )e(use 3i(!rd is wit!drwin' &rom me% nd * m

)out to )e(ome n'ry nd needy#

=owe"er% * know t!t t!is is my A)ndonment u&etrp% nd t!t my

li&etrp is tri''ered )y ust t!e sli'!test e"iden(e o& wit!drwl# * need to

remem)er t!t people in goo! reltions!ips wit!drw% nd t!t wit!drwl is

prt o& t!e nturl iZiyt!m o& 'ood reltions!ips#

*& * strt )e!"in' in n n'ry nd (lin'y wy% * will pus! 3i(!rd e"en

&urt!er wy# 3i(!rd !s ri'!t to pull wy t times#

W!t * s!ould do insted is work wit! my t!ou'!ts to try to tke lon'er

"iew o& t!e reltions!ip s w!ole# My &eelin's re wy out o& proportion to

relity# * (n tolerte my &eelin's nd remem)er t!t in t!e )i' pi(ture 3i(!rd

nd * re still (onne(ted% nd t!e reltions!ip is 'ood#

To )est !elp mysel&% * s!ould turn my ttention to my own li&e% nd wyso& de"elopin' mysel&# T!e )etter )le * m to )e on my own% t!e )etter * will )e

in reltions!ips#

*& your li&etrp is se"ere% nd you (nnot seem to &orm 'ood reltions!ip% (onsider

t!erpy# A t!erpy reltions!ip (n !elp 'et you to t!e pl(e w!ere you (n )rin'

'ood reltions!ips into your li&e#



3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

93ANK, You &no, I as at or& $ester!a$, tal&ing to m$ (oss. 7n! he starte!

telling me that I come across too strong ith customers. I !on5t ant to soun!

paranoi! or an$thing, (ut it soun!e! an aful lot 4&e hat e ere tal&ing

a(out in our last session.

I starte! on!ering, "Is there an$ a$ $ou coul! &no m$ (ossH Is there

an$ a$ $ou coul! have !iscusse! me ith himH"

T=E3A2*STF 0e !on5t &no $our (oss. 7n! $ou &no e oul! never spea& to

an$one a(out $ou ithout $our ritten permission.

93ANKF VV 1ust seeme! 4&e such a coinci!ence. It seeme! li&e m$ (oss &ne a(out

our !iscussion hen he as tal&ing to me.

T=E3A2*STF 0e oul! never !o that to $ou. 0e5re on $our si!e, remem(erH

9rnk nd Adrieruie !"e two (!ildren# *n t!t &irst session we sk i& !e !s ny

pro)lem (ontrollin' !is n'er wit! !is (!ildren# +No%+ t!ey )ot! tell us# 9rnk is

wonder&ul wit! t!e (!ildren#

93ANKF 6o. #hat5s one thing. ha! a reall$ (us$ chil!hoo!. 2$ father use! to

(eat me. I5ve ala$s voe! that m$ chil!ren oul! have it (etter, I5ve never

lai! a han! on m$ chil!ren, an! I never ill

*n &(t% sin(e !e )e(me n dult% 9rnk !s only lost !is temper on(e% nd t!t ws

w!ile !e ws drinkin' &our yers 'o# =e !s not !d drink sin(e#

We &eel immeditely sympt!eti( towrd 9rnk# =e is stru''lin' !rd to )e

&iner person t!n !is (!ild!ood set !im up to )e#

MADEL*NEF TWENT;8 N*NE ;EA3S OLD# S=E =AS NE@E3 =AD A LONG8TE3M 3OMANT*C

3ELAT*ONS=*2 #

Mdeline tells us t!t s!e lwys t!inks men re out to use !er or tke d"nt'e o&

!er#

T=E3A2*STF 0hen !i! these feelings a(out men (eginH

MADEL*NEF Oh, I &no here the$ (egan. 0hen I as nine an! m$ mother

marrie! m$ stepfather. 4e se?uall$ a(use! me for the entire three $ears the$

ere marrie!. Starts to cr$.) I5m sorr$. #his is something I !on5t usuall$ tal&

a(out.

T=E3A2*STF 0here as $our motherH

MADEL*NEF O&, she as too one! out on tran-uiliers to &no w!t as going

on.

Mdeline wnts to mrry nd !"e (!ildren% )ut s!e is &rid t!t s!e will ne"er let

mn 'et (lose enou'! to mke t!t !ppen#

T=E M*ST3<ST AND A<SE <EST*ONNA*3E

T!is 7uestionnire will mesure t!e stren't! o& your Mistrust nd A)use li&etrp#

Answer t!e items usin' t!e &ollowin' s(leF

SCO3*NG K E;




Mdeline (omes to t!erpy )e(use o& pro)lems wit!

men#

MADEL*NEF I guess I5m here (ecause I5m orrie! if III ever have a

normal relationship ith a gu$.

In m$ earf$ tenties I use! to !rin& a hi an! have se? ith gu$s I (arel$

&ne. I as reaS$ promiscuous. 8ut to $ears ago I stoppe! !rin&ing.

haven5t ha! a (o$frien! since.

#lie other night I as at a part$. I as tal&ing to this gu$. 4e seeme!

reall$ nice. 8ut later e ere !ancing, an! he gra((e! me an! gave me a

Utile &iss, I got reall$ angr$ at him an! left the part$. #hat as the night I



T=E M*ST3<ST AND A<SE L*9ET3A2


Mostly true o& me


*& you !"e ny s or 6s on t!is 7uestionnire% t!is li&etrp my still pply to you%

e"en i& your s(ore is in t!e low rn'e#

SCO3E DESC3*2T*ON

1# * expe(t people to !urt or use me#

?# T!rou'!out my li&e people (lose to me !"e )used me#

% *t is only mtter o& time )e&ore t!e people * lo"e will )etry

me

1I81J @ery low# T!is li&etrp pro))ly doesnot pply to you#

?I8?J 9irly low# T!is li&etrp my only pplyoccasionall$.

I8J Moderte# T!is li&etrp is nissue in your li&e#

BI8BJ =i'!# T!is is de&initely n important li&etrp &or you#

I8I @ery !i'!# T!is is de&initely one o& yourcore li&etrps#

T=E E>2E3*ENCE O9 A<SE

A)use is (omplex mixture o& &eelin's.pin% &er% r'e% nd 'rie&# T!e &eelin's

re intense% nd t!ey simmer ner t!e sur&(e# W!en we re wit! ptients w!o !"e

)een )used% we re (ons(ious o& t!ese stron' &eelin's# E"en i& t!ey pper ( lm%

we (n &eel t!em in t!e room# T!ey seem )out to )urst like wter t!rou'! dm#

;ou my !"e "oltile moods# ;ou suddenly )e(ome "ery upset. eit!er

(ryin' or enr'ed# *t o&ten surprises ot!er people 9rnk6s &its o& r'e t !is wi&e nd

Mdeline6s sudden )urstin' into ters re exmples o& t!is#

At ot!er times you my )e sp(ed out.w!t we (ll disso(ited# ;ou seem to

)e somew!ere else# T!in's seem unrel to you# ;our emotions re num)# T!is is

!)it you de"eloped s kind o& psy(!olo'i(l es(pe &rom t!e )use#

AD3*ENNEF 0hen @ran& !oesn5t ant to tal& a(out something, it5s li&e he can

clic& off. Li&e snap, he5s gone. I !on5t even e?ist.

93ANKF V &no hat she means. I &no I !o that. I !on5t reaU$ mean to, it 1ust happens. It5s li&e I1ust !on5t ant to !eal ith something an! m$ feelings shut

off.

;our experien(e o& reltions!ips is pin&ul one# 3eltions!ips re not pl(es to

relx nd )e(ome "ulner)le# 3t!er% t!ey re dn'erous nd unpredi(t)le# 2eople

B# * !"e to prote(t mysel& nd sty on my 'urd## *&* m not (re&ul% people will tke d"nt'e o& me##* set up tests &or people to see i& t!ey re relly on myside#H# * try to !urt people )e&ore t!ey !urt me## *m &rid to let people 'et (lose to me )e(use *expe(t t!em to !urt me#J# * m n'ry )out w!t

people !"e done to me#1I# * !"e )een p!ysi(lly%"er)lly% or sexully )used )y people 1 s!ould !"e )een )le to trust#;O<3 TOTAL M*ST3<ST ANDA<SE SCO3E/Add your s(ores to'et!er &or 7uestions 181I0

*nterpretin' ;our Mistrust nd A)use

S(ore



T=E M*ST3<ST AND A<SE L*9ET3A2

1#Someone ) your &mily p!ysi(lly )used you s (!ild#

?#Someone ) your &mily sexully )used you s (!ild% or repet8

edly tou(!ed you ) sexully pro"o(ti"e wy#

# Someone in your &mily repetedly !umilited you% tesed you% or

put you down /"er)l )use0#

B# 2eople in your &mily (ould not )e trusted# /T!ey )etryed (on&i8

den(es% exploited your weknesses to t!eir d"nt'e% mnipulted

you% mde promises t!ey !d no )tenrion o& keepin'% or lied to you#0

# Someone ) your &mily seemed to 'et plesure &rom seein' you

su&&er#

# ;ou were mde to do t!in's s (!ild )y t!e t!ret o& se"ere

punis!ment or retlition#

H# One o& your prents repetedly wrned you not to trust people

outside of t!e &mily#

#T!e people ) your &mily were 'inst you#

J#One o& your prents turned to you &or p!ysi(l &&e(tion s (!ild%

) wy t!t ws inpproprite or mde you un(om&ort)le# 1I# 2eople

used to (ll you nmes t!t relly !urt#

A= &orms o& )use re "ioltions o& your )oundries# ;our p!ysi(l% sexul% or

psy(!olo'i(l )oundries were not respe(ted# Someone in your &mily w!o ws

supposed to prote(t you will&ully strted to !urt you# And% )ein' (!ild% you were

lr'ely de&enseless#

Wit! Mdeline it ws !er sexul )oundries# =er mot!er nd !er step&t!er

!d )e(ome estrn'ed% nd !er mot!er ws )usin' trn7uili4ers# /Dru's nd

l(o!ol re o&ten impli(ted somew!ere ) t!e )use sitution#0 =er step&t!er

turned to !er s sour(e o& &&e(tion#

MADEL*NEF It starte! as 1ust normal stuff, hugging an! &issing. 7t first reaU$

B&e! m$ stepfather. 4e seeme! to reall$ care a(out me. 7t first I h&e! it hen

he hugge! an! &isse! me.

T!is is (ommon s(enrio# T!e prents !"e (on&li(ts or dri&t prt% nd prent

uses t!e (!ild s repl(ement# T!e (!ild my wel(ome t!e ttention.w!i(! (n

)e(ome sour(e o& 'uilt lter on#

=er step&t!er6s &&e(tion pro'ressed to sexul )use# At &irst Mdeline ws

not sure t!t )use ws o((urrin'#

MADEL*NEF 8ut there came a time hen I &ne it as rong. I remem(er he starte! falling asleep on the couch ith me. 4e5! have his arms aroun! me,

an! he5! start acciaentf$ touching me or ru((ing against me.

*t is importnt to note t!t t!e extent o& )use (n rn'e widely# Wit! some people

t!ere is intensi"e sexul )use% nd wit! ot!ers it is limited to tou(!in' or &ondlin'#

T!e most importnt point is !ow you &elt )out it *& you &elt "ery un(om&ort)le

)out t!e tou(!in'% t!en it ws lmost (ertinly sexul )use#

Anot!er sour(e o& 'uilt lter is t!t t!e (!ild (elieves t!t !e or s!e llowed%

en(our'ed% or e"en enoyed t!e )use# Mdeline let !er step&t!er tou(! !er#

MADEL*NEF V oul! 1ust tie there. Li&e I coul!n5t move. T=E3A2*STF You ha! no

sense of (eing a(le to protect $ourself, an! that as ver$ frightening.

T!e )use lso stirred sexul &eelin's in Mdeline# T!is (on&used !er% nd mde !er

&eel )d nd s!med#

*t is importnt to understnd t!t you )er none o& t!e responsi)ility# T!e &(t

t!t you my !"e llowed t!e )use or e"en responded sexully to it in no wy

implies your 'uilt T!e &(t t!t you were (!ild )sol"es you# *& t!ere re people in

your &mily w!o re )i''er nd stron'er t!n you% nd t!ey wnt to "iolte your

)oundries% t!ere is little you (n do# T!e sitution is too (omplex# ;ou were not

expe(ted to prote(t yoursel&# 3t!er% your &mily ws supposed to )e prote(tin'

you#

T!e &(t t!t no one prote(ted !er is one o& t!e 'retest sour(es o& pin &or

Mdeline#



J 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

MADEL*NEF #he$ !i!n5t care enough hat happene! to me. 6either one of them.

#he$ ere m$ mother an! m$ stepfather, an! the$ !i!n5t care hat happene!

to me.

Sexul )use is "ioltion o& your spirit s well s your )ody# No mtter !ow you

&eel% you were inno(ent ;our inno(en(e nd your trust were )etryed#

T!e se(re(y ws not!er sour(e o& 'uilt nd s!me# =er step&t!er would tell

!er it ws t!eir little se(ret#

T=E3A2*STF 0h$ !i!n5t $ou teU$our motherH

MADEL*NEF 0ell, first, (ecause he tol! me not to. 8ut I as also too ashame! to

teU her. I mean, to this !a$, $ou5re the first person I5ve ever reaU$ tal&e!

a(out it ith. I coul!n5t tal& a(out it ith her. 7n! also I as orrie! that it

oul! (rea& up the famil$.

I oul! fr$ to get her to ta&e feer puis, though. 4e use! to !o it most

hen she as passe! out on pills. I use! to (eg her not to ta&e those pills. She

shoul! have seen that something as rong. 8ut she coul!n5t stop ta&ing

those pills.

T!e &eelin' o& not )ein' prote(ted is prt o& most &orms o& )use# One prent

)used you% nd t!e ot!er &iled to pre"ent or stop it T!ey )ot! let you down#

We ll know w!t we s!ould do w!en strn'er ttempts to )use us# We

s!ould &i'!t )(k% we s!ould 'et !elp% we s!ould es(pe# All o& t!ese options

)e(ome pro)lemti( w!en you re (!ild nd t!e )user is someone you lo"e At

)ottom% you tolerted t!e )use )e(use you needed t!e (onne(tion wit! t!e person

*t ws your prent or )rot!er or sister# *ndeed% it my !"e )een t!eonl$ (onne(tion

you were )le to 'et# Wit!out it you would !"e )een lone To most (!ildren% some

(onne(tion% e"en n )usi"e one% is )etter t!n no (onne(tion t ll#

*n terms o& t!e t!ree types o& )use.p!ysi(l% sexul% nd "er)l. t!e

similrities re more importnt t!n t!e di&&eren(es# T!ey ll in"ol"e t!t sme

strn'e mixture o& lo"e nd !urt# 9rnk6s psy(!olo'i(l experien(e o& )use ws

similr to Mdeline6s# ut )e(use it ws !is nturl &t!er w!o )used !im &rom n

erlier 'e% nd )e(use it ws more prolon'ed% 9rnk6s li&etrp is more se"ere

9rnk remem)ers li"in' in (onstnt stte o& &er# =is &t!er6s r'es were

unpredi(t)le

93ANKF You never &ne hen he5! go off. One minute e5! (e having a normal

conversation, an! the ne?t he5! (e shouting at the top of his lungs, or

singing his fists. Sometimes he5! $ell at m$ (rother an! sometimes at me. It as li&e living in the house ith a c ra$ giant.

Even hen things seeme! o&a$, the$ eren5t. #here ere no real safet$

ones.

To t!is dy% it is !rd &or 9rnk to &eel s&e# S&ety issues )sor) !is ttention nd

keep !im &rom (on(entrtin' on ot!er t!in's# T!ere is lwys prt o& !im ser(!in'

&or t!t t!ret#

*t is !rd to (on"ey !ow (!oti( nd dn'erous t!e world seems w!en you re

(!ild nd someone (lose to you (n in"de you nd !urt you# A )si( sense o&

se(urity t!t most people tke &or 'rnted is simplynot there.

*n e"ery instn(e o& )use we !"e en(ountered s t!erpists% t!e )user

mkes t!e (!ild &eel wort!less# T!e )user(lames t!e (!ild% nd t!e (!ild ((epts

t!t )lme#

93ANKF 7t the time I thought it as happening (ecause I as so )d# I as

clums$ an! oul! get into trou(le. 2$ father use! to tell me I oul! rot in

hell, I (elieve! him. I <ust thought it as happening (ecause I as suc& a

lous$ person.

A)use (retes power&ul &eelin's o& de&e(ti"eness# *t mkes you s!med o& w!o

you re# ;ou re unwort!y# ;ou re not entitled to !"e ny ri'!ts or to stnd up &or yoursel&# ;ou !"e to let t!e person use you nd tke d"nt'e o& you# *t &eels to

you s i& )use is all $ou !eserve.

T!e lst de&ense (!ild !s is psy(!olo'i(l W!en relity is too terri)le% t!ere

is t!e possi)ility o& psy(!olo'i(l es(pe8 Dependin' upon t!e se"erity o& your

)use% you my !"e spent portions o& your (!ild!ood in disso(ited stte#



T=E M*ST3<ST AND A<SE L*9ET3A2 HI

2rti(ulrly w!ile t!e )use ws !ppenin'% you my !"e lerned to disso(ite#

T!is ws n dpti"e response% s (!ild#

MADEL*NEF 0hile he as !oing it I oul! preten! I as this orange (alloon,

floating up into space. 6othing ims real an! nothing coul! (other me.

Disso(itin' my !"e )een wy &or you to remo"e yoursel& &rom t!e sitution

emotionlly nd ust 'et t!rou'! it

Disso(itin' lso 'i"es n ir o& seprteness to n e"ent.it seems to )e

!ppenin' seprtely &rom t!e rest o& your li&e# T!us you my !"e )een )le to

relte to your )user relti"ely normlly in ot!er situtions#

MADEL*NEF It as so strange, although I !i!n5t thin& a(out it at the' time. I

oul! have se? ith him at night, then get up an!go !onstairs an! chat ith

him an!m$ mother over (rea&fast. It as li&e the night (efore ha! happene!

in another orl!.



*n situtions w!ere t!e )use is extreme% disso(itin' (n led to t!e &ormtion o&

multiple personlities#

9rnk6s out)ursts o& n'er re Countertt(ks to (ope wit! !is expe(ttions o&

)use Sometimes !e )e(omes it&e !is &t!er# T!e (!ild imittes t!e )e!"ior o& t!e

)user# T!is is wy &or t!e (!ild to &eel more power&ul#

93ANKF V use! to (eat up on m$ $ounger (rother. 2an, I feel so (a! a(out it no. I

oul! (eat up on him 1ust li&e, m$ father (eat up on me.

One o& t!e most (ommon Countertt(ks &or t!e Mistrust nd A)use li&etrp is to

)use some)ody else T!is is w!t perpetutes t!e (!in o& )use# T!e )used

sometimes )e(ome t!e )users# *n &(t% most (!ild )users were )used t!emsel"es

s (!ildren# 9rnk6s &t!er is (se in point

93ANKF V &no h$ m$ !a! !i! it to me. 4e as an a(use! chil! himself. 4is on

!a! use! to (eat up on him.

*t is importnt to reli4e t!t t!e re"erse is not ne(essrily true Most "i(tims o& (!ild

)use !o not 'row up to )e(ome (!ild )users# Alt!ou'! !e !s out)ursts o& n'er%

9rnk !imsel& is not (!ild )user# =e !s )roken t!e (!in#

Mny "i(tims o& )use w!o do not (tully (ehave )usi"ely do !"e

fantasies o& )usin' or !urtin' people#

93ANKF I remem(er hen I as a &i!, I ha! this teacher ho as giving me a har!

time. 4e oul!putme !on in frontoflhe hole c lass.2an, I hate! him. I use!

tositin&is class an! !a$!ream a(out t$ing him up an! hitting him in the

stomach again an! again until he )e''ed for merc$.

;ou my ls! out t ot!er people spordi(lly# ;ou my enoy seein' ot!er people

!urt ;ou my )e mnipulti"e or insultin'# W!t we re des(ri)in' is sa!istic prt

o& you# *t is prt you my &ind ppllin'.t!e prt t!t Countertt(ks )y

)e(omin' like t!e one w!o !urt you#

9rnk6s &t!er ws lso "er)lly )usi"e# T!e (riti(lness t!t 'i"es rise to t!e

De&e(ti"eness li&etrp s!des into "er)l )use w!en t!ere is nintent to hurt. T!e

person deli)ertely !umilites you nd )ets you down#

93ANKF 4e love! to ma&e me cr$. 4e thought it as funn$. I oul! tr$ so

har! not to cr$, (ut he5! &eep at me.

T=E3A2*STF 0hat oul! he sa$ to $ouH



T=E M*ST3<ST AND A<SE L*9ET3A2 H ?

J B 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

93ANKF 4e5! call me names, caUmea imp, spastic, a loser. 4e5! !oilm front of

m$ (rothers an! in front of m$ frien!s. 4e reall$ en1o$e! ma&ing me s-uirm. I

sear, he reaS$ !i!.

9rnk6s father seemed to hate him. It is !rd to un!erstan! ho a parent coul! hate a

chil! in t!is wy# 9rnk6s "u&ner)iliry ws someho un)er)le to him. 4e nee!e! to

destroy t!t "ulner)ility% &o stmp it out 9rnk6s &t!er ws under t!e swy of his on

Mistrust nd A)use li&etrp# =e !d lerned to (ompenste for his on chil!hoo! )use

)y De(ernin' t!e ''ressor#

A (!ild w!o !s sdisti( prent is in serious trou)le# *t is di&&i(ult to emer'e &rom

t!is sitution wit!out si'ni&i(nt s(rs# T!ere re prents w!o (n (oldly use nd !urt

t!eir (!ildren# Su(! prent will lmost lwys strike w!en t!e (!ild is "ery youn'.

)elow &i"e% &or exmple T!e prent does not !"e to worry s mu(! t!t t!e (!ild willtell or t!t ot!er people ill fin! out

Alt!ou'! it is not s se"ere &orm o& t!e li&etrp% it is possi)le to lern to )e

)usi"e nd mistrust&ul )y exmple ;ou my !"e !d prent w!o ws unet!i(l nd

mnipulti"e in delin's wit! &riends or in )usiness# Or your prent my !"e

mnipulted you or )etryed your (on&iden(es# ;ou lerned t!t t!is is !ow people re%

nd t!ere&ore expe(t most people to )e t!is wy#

DANGE3 S*GNALS *N 3ELAT*ONS=*2S

T!e dn'er is t!t you will )e ttr(ted to )usi"e prtnersor to prtners w!o do not deser"e to )e trusted# T!ese ret!e si'ns#

DANGE3 S*GNALS * N 2A3TNE3S

1#=eVS!e !s n explosi"e temper t!t s(res you#

?#=eVS!e loses (ontrol w!en !eVs!e drinks too mu(!#

#=eVS!e puts you down in &ront o& your &riends nd &mily#

B#=eVS!e repetedly demens you% (riti(i4es you% nd mkes you

&eel wort!less##=eVS!e !s no respe(t &or your needs#

#=eVS!e will do ny t!in'.lie or mnipulte.to 'et !isV!er wy#

H#=eVS!e is somew!t o& (on rtist in )usiness delin's#

#=eVS!e is sdisti( or (ruel.seems to 'et plesure w!en you or

ot!er people su&&er#



J# =eVS!e !its you or t!retens you w!en you donot do s !eVs!e wnts#

1I# =eVS!e &or(es you to !"e sex% e"en w!enyou do not wnt to#

11# =eVS!e exploits your weknesses to !isV!erd"nt'e#1?# =eVS!e (!ets on you /!s ot!er lo"ers )e!ind your )(k0#1# =eVS!e is "ery unreli)le% nd tkesd"nt'e o& your 'eneros8

ity#

<9ET3A2S * N 3 ELAT*ONS=*2S

1# ;ou o&ten &eel people re tkin' d"nt'e o& you% e"en w!en

t!ere is little (on(rete proo&#

?# ;ou llow ot!er people to mistret $ou )e(use you re &rid o&

t!em or )e(use you &ee- it is ll you deser"e#

# ;ou re 7ui(k to tt(k ot!er people )e(use you expe(t t!em to

!urt you or put you down#

B# ;ou !"e "ery !rd time enoyin' sex.it &eels like n o)li'8

tion or you (nnot deri"e plesure#

# ;ou re relu(tnt to re"el personl in&ormtion )e(use you

worry t!t people will use it 'inst you#

# ;ou re relu(tnt to s!ow your weknesses )e(use you expe(t

people to tke d"nt'e o& t!em#

. ;ou &eel ner"ous round people )e(use you worry t!t t!ey will

!umilite you#

# ;ou 'i"e in too esily to ot!er people )e(use you re &rid o&

t!em#

J# ;ou &eel t!t ot!er people seem to enoy your su&&erin'#

1I# ;ou !"e de&inite sdisti( or (ruel side% e"en t!ou'! you mynot s!ow it

11# ;ou llow ot!er people to tke d"nt'e o& you )e(use +it is

)etter t!n )ein' lone#+

1?# ;ou &eel t!t menVwomen (nnot )e trusted#

1# ;ou do not remem)er lr'e portions o& your (!ild!ood#

1B# W!en you re &ri'!tened o& someone% you +tune out%+ s i& prt o&

it is one o& t!e most pu44lin' &(ts o& li&e t!t we seemto keep repetin' t!e sme sel&8destru(ti"e ptterns o"er nd o"er# T!is is w!t 9reud (lled t!e repetition(ompulsion# W!y would someone w!o ws )used s (!ild willin'ly )e(ome in"ol"ed in another )usi"e reltions!ip

*t does not mke sense# ;et t!t is w!t !ppens#

;ou my &ind t!t you re most ttr(ted to )usi"e prtners# 2eople w!o use%

!it% rpe% or insult nd demen you.re t!e lo"ers w!o 'enerte t!e most

(!emistry# T!is is one o& t!e most de"sttin' (onse7uen(es o& your (!ild!ood

)use *t turned you into person w!o is drwn to )usi"e reltions!ips in dult!ood

.so you (n ne"er es(pe% e"en w!en you 'row up.unless you 'et tretment#

Mdeline6s reltions!ips wit! men in !er erly twenties were exmples# Sin(e

s!e ws tkin' lot o& dru's !ersel&% se"erl o& !er )oy&riends were dru' ddi(ts#

MADEL*NEF 2$ longest relations2p as ith Richie. I still see him from time to

time. 4e as hoo&e! on co&e an! reall$ strung out. 4e use! to steal mone$

from me, an! once he trie! to get me to sleep ith this gu$ so he coul! get

some co&e.

T!ere re &ew people more likely t!n dru' ddi(t to use you nd tke d"nt'e

o& you# ut e"en !er stri'!t )oy&riends were sexully )usi"e in some wy# T!e

most (ommon s(enrio ws t!t +t!ey used me &or sex nd t!en dumped me#+ 9or

period o& yers% Mdeline )e(me in"ol"ed in one )usi"e reltions!ip &ter

not!er#

W!en we sked Mdeline w!y s!e llowed t!is to !ppen% s!e sid% +T!ese

were t!e 'uys * &ell in lo"e wit!# esides% it ws )etter t!n )ein' lone+ ut we do

not 'ree t!t it is )etter t!n )ein' lone% At lest lone you !"e t!e (!n(e to

!el nd re)uild your sense o& sel&8esteem% to &ind prtner w!o will tret you

di&&erently#

T!e (!rt on t!e next p'e lists your li&etrps in lon'8term intimte

reltions!ips# T!ere re lot o& t!em )e(use )use is su(! serious pro)lemF



T=E M*ST3<ST AND A<SE L*9ET3A2 H B

you is not relly t!ere#

1# ;ou o&ten &eel people !"e !idden moti"es or )d intentions% e"en

w!en you !"e little proo&#

1# ;ou o&ten !"e sdo8mso(!isti( &ntsies#

1H#;ou "oid 'ettin' (lose to menVwomen )e(use you (nnot trust

t!em#

1# ;ou &eel &ri'!tened round menVwomen nd you do not under8

stnd w!y#

1J# ;ou !"e sometimes )een )usi"e or (ruel to ot!er people% espe8

(illy t!e ones to w!om you re (losest#

?I# ;ou o&ten &eel !elpless in reltion to ot!er people#

E"en w!en you re in 'ood reltions!ip% you my do t!in's to turn it into

n )usi"e one ;ou my )e(ome t!e )user or t!e )used# Eit!er wy you

reen(t your (!ild!ood )use

T!ere re lot o& t!in's you (n do to mke 'ood prtners seem like

)users# ;ou (n twist t!e t!in's t!ey sy% so inno(ent remrks tke on t!e

(st o& (uts nd insults# ;ou (n set up tests t!t &il to (on"in(e you% e"en

w!en your prtner psses# ;ou (n ((use t!em o& tryin' to !urt you w!en

t!ey re not# ;ou (n m'ni&y t!eir disloylties nd minimi4e t!eir (ts o&

lo"e E"en w!en t!ey truly tret you well% you (n feel s t!ou'! you re

)ein' )used#

9rnk6s ttitude towrd !is wi&e is per&e(t illustrtion# 9rom e"ery8

t!in' we (ould 't!er% Adrienne ws wort!y o& !is trust#

T=E3A2*STF an $ou name times she !ea(eratef$ set out to hurt $ouH93ANKF Right (efore e got marrie! she ent out ith this gu$ foe (ehin!

m$ (ac&.

AD3*ENNEF Oh, this gets me so ma! 0e5ve gone through this a thousan!

times.5 8efore e got marrie! m$ e?'(o$frien! <oe calle! me an! as&e!

me to meet him for lunch. 4e sai! it as important. I sai! I oul! go,

an! I !i!n5t teS @ran& (ecause I &ne he oul!n f t un!erstan!. @t

mean t nothing to me;

T=E3A2*STF 0hat !i! foe antH

AD3*ENNEF 4e ante! to &no if there as an$ chance e coul! get (ac&

together. #here asn 5ton$ chance at aU an! I tol! him so. 7n! that

as it; I !i!n5t !o an$thing; I as 1ust tr$ing to let <oe !on eas$. I

(ve! @ran& an! I still !o.

T=E3A2*STF So this is an inci!ent $ou to have !iscusse! man$ times.

AD3*ENNEF You can5t (elieve ho man$ times he5s (rought it up an!

thron it in m$ face.

T=E3A2*STF to @ran&) an $ou name an$ other times she set out to hurt

$ouH

93ANKF 6ah. I mean, I &no she5s right. 8ut stilt I can5t ta&e that chance. I

can5t trust her. I can5t (elieve she on5t let me !on.

2er!ps it !urt 9rnk too mu(! s ( !ild to !ope nd )e disppointed# *t ws

lon' time )e&ore !e ws willin' to tke t!t risk 'in#

Dependin' upon t!e per"si"eness o& your )use% your w!ole world

"iew my )e )sed upon t!e ide t!t people (nnot )e trusted# ;our )si(

sense o& people is t!t t!ey re out to !urt you nd se(retly enoy your



J 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L $ 9 E

su&&erin'# *t is t!e emotionl tone o& your reltions!ips.t!e &eelin' t!t surrounds

you w!en some)ody 'ets (lose#

;ou my lso do t!in's t!t en(our'e prtners w!o mi'!t ot!erwise )e 'ood

to tret you )dly# ;ou do t!is )y loering $our value in t!e reltions!ipF you 'i"e

in too esily to w!te"er t!e person wnts% put yoursel& down% llow your prtner to

tke d"nt'e o& you% send out mess'es t!t you re not wort! tretin' well#

MADEL*NEF 7 lot of times ith gu$s, the$ moul! sleep ith me an! then feel too

goo! for me. I remem(er there as this one gu$, 7lan, that I reall$ li&e! a lot.

In that hole perio! here I as reall$ sleeping aroun!, he as the one gu$ I

reall$ care! a(out.

I use! to ahua$s teS him, "You <ust thin& $ou5re too goo! for me (ecause

I slept ith $ou the first night e met." Or I oul! teU 2m, "You thin& $ou5re

too goo! for me (ecause I5ve slept aroun!."

T=E3A2*STF 0hat happene!H

MADEL*NEF I guess eventuall$ he starte! to (eheve it (ecause he en!e! up

leaving me.

*t ws not only t!t Mdeline put !ersel& down% )ut s!e lso &elt !elpless to de&end

!ersel&# W!en men )e!"ed sdisti(lly towrd !er% s!e !d t!t old (!ild!ood

&eelin' o& not )ein' )le to mo"e# S!e ws not )le to stnd up &or !ersel&# As s!e

sys% +No mtter w!t t!ey did% 1 (ouldn6t sy#no."

;ou my swin' to t!e opposite end nd !"e pro)lem wit! ''ressi"eness#

T!is is n exmple o& Countertt(k s (opin' style# T!is is w!en you )elie"e t!e

syin'% +T!e )est de&ense is 'ood o&&ense#+ Sin(e you expe(t t!e ot!er person to

tt(k% you mke sure you tt(k &irst# ;ou do not noti(e t!t time psses nd you

re t!e only one tt(kin'#

AD3*ENNEF 4e5s ala$s accusing me, (ut meanhile he5s the one ho5s ala$s

on me. 4e sa$s I put him !on, an! I5m not, I5m rea!$ careful not to put him

!on. I &no it rea!$ upsets him.

#he other night he trippe! on the ice an! almost feU !on. 0hen I as&e! him

if he as all right, he $elle! at me. 4e thought I as ma&ing fun of him. I

sear, I asn >I <ust ante! to &no if he as all right. I get so frustrate! 4e

acts ti&e I5m &is enem$.

Sometimes w!en you re ''ressi"e% t!e ot!er person retlites nd )e(omes

''ressi"e )(k# ;our out)ursts o& n'er prdoxi(lly )rin' )out t!e "ery

sitution you &er# Or t!ey slowly dri"e t!e ot!er person wy# ;ou !"e lot o&

n'er t people &or t!e wy t!ey !"e treted you#

E"en in 'ood reltions!ips% t!is n'er is )ound to )e(ome n issue# ;our n'er

(omes out in destru(ti"e wys# *t my )e t!t you !"e )een )usi"e or (ruel to t!e

people you lo"e T!is is t!e &irst t!in' t!t !s to stop# *t dm'es you lmost s

mu(! s it dm'es t!em#

*& you were sexully )used% t!e dm'e to your sexulity is )ound to )e n

issue in romnti( reltions!ips# ;ou re prone to &eelin' n'ry or emotionlly ded

durin' sex#

MADEL*NEF Sometimes I thin& I oul!n5t min! if se? eren t a part ofhfe, I !on

5tioo& forar! to sleeping ith men ogam. I1ust fee l so shut'!on !uring se? it

ma&es me upset.

Mdeline lso !d sdo8mso(!isti( sexul &ntsies t!t distur)ed !er# T!e w!ole

issue o& sex ws &ru'!t wit! ne'ti"e emotions#

C=ANG*NG ;O<3 M*ST3<ST AND A<SE L*9ET3A2 T!ese re t!e steps to

(!n'in' your Mistrust nd A)use li&etrp

C=AN*NS ;O<3 M*ST3<ST AND A<SE L*9ET3A2

1# *& t il possi)le% see t!erpist to !elp you wit! t!is li&etrp%

prti(ulrly i& you !"e )een sexully or p!ysi(lly )used#

+. 9ind &riend you trust /or your t!erpist0# Do im'ery# Try to

re(ll memories o& )use# 3eli"e e(! in(ident in detil

# W!ile doin' im'ery% "ent your n'er t your )users0# Stop&eelin' !elpless in t!e im'e#

B#Stop )lmin' yoursel&# ;ou did not deser"e t!e )use

#Consider redu(in' or stoppin' (ont(t wit! your )users0 w!ile

you work on t!is li&etrp#

# *& it is possi)le% w!en you re redy% (on&ront your )user &(e8to8



&(e% or send letter#

H# Stop tolertin' )use in your (urrent reltions!ips#

\ Try to trust nd 'et (loser to people w!o deser"e it

J# Try to )e(ome in"ol"ed wit! prtner w!o respe(ts your ri'!ts

nd does not wnt to !urt you# 1I# Do not

)use t!e people (lose to you#

. If 7t 7U Dossi(le, See a #herapist to 4elp You ith #his lifetrap,

Darticularl$ if You 4ave 8een Se?uall$ or Dh$sicall$ 7(use!. *& your li&etrp

is se"ere% we do not wnt you to t(kle it lone# Mistrust nd A)use is one

o& t!e most power&ul li&etrps# *t leds to extreme symptoms nd pro)lems

in reltions!ips# *t is lso one o& t!e most di&&i(ult to (!n'e#

An ttempt to (!n'e t!rou'! sel&8!elp )ook will pro))ly not )e enou'!#

2er!ps i& you !"e milder strin o& t!e li&etrp% you (n mke !edwy ust )y

redin' t!is (!pter# ut i& you were seriously )used s (!ild% you s!ould seek

!elp &rom t!erpist#

*n ddition% i& possi)le% oin sel&8!elp 'roup &or dult sur"i"ors o& in(est or

)use# T!ere re 'roups like t!is ll o"er t!e (ountry# T!ere re lso some ex(ellent

)ooks t!t re tilored spe(i&i(lly &or sur"i"ors o& )use One well8known )ook is

ourage #o 4eal, )y Ellen ss nd Lur D"is#

;ou need s&e pl(e to remem)er# A t!erpist (n 'i"e you t!t s&e pl(e#

+. @in! a @rien! You #rust Or Your #herapistP. %o Imager$. #r$ to Recall

2emories of 7(use. Relive Each Inci!ent in %etail 3emem)erin' is t!e

most pin&ul prt# *t is t!e prt &or w!i(! you prti(ulrly need t!e support

o& t!erpist or someone you trust T!e im'es o& )ein' p!ysi(lly%

"er)lly% nd sexully )used re &ri'!tenin'# T!e &eelin's t!t (ome up

(n )e o"erw!elmin'# A t!erpist or &riend (n (ontin your &eelin's nd

!elp mke t!e experien(e !elin' one#

;ou !"e power&ul resons &or not wntin' to remem)er# One is w!t it will

men )out your prent

93ANKF It5s so har! for me to accept that m$ !a! as such a lous$ parent.

I ala$s figure! he ha! reasons for hat he !i! 4e as overor&e!,

m$ mother as a nag, I &ept getting into trou(le. T=E3A2*STF Your !esire to

(elieve $ou ha! a goo! father is ver$ strong. 93ANKF Yeah. I mean, if I thought he

!i! all this to me for no reason, ho

coul! I have an$thing more to !o ith himH

\

9or 9rnk to dmit !e !d )d prent ws "ery upsettin'# @iewin' !is &t!er s

'ood llowed !im to mintin t!e reltions!ip nd ws one o& t!e t!in's t!t

en)led !im to tolerte t!e )use in t!e &irst pl(e

Anot!er reson you do not wnt to remem)er is t!t t!e &eelin's re so

pin&ul# ;ou my !"e 'one to enormous len't!s to tune out nd num) yoursel& to

r our memories# *t ws emotionl prote(tion to keep yoursel& sne# To let t!t 'o is

"ery s(ry#

*t took 9rnk mont!s o& t!erpy to 'et to t!e point w!ere !e ws willin' to

explore !is )use t!rou'! im'ery# ut on(e !e ws willin'% t!e im'es (me ri'!t

wy#

T=E3A2*STF lose $our e$es an! give us an image from $our chil!hoo!. 93ANKF3see m$self an! m$ father. 2$ father loo&s huge. I5m a(out seven

$ears ol!. I5m stan!ing there sha&ing. 2$ father is $elling at me.

Imitates father5s voice) "I5ll teach $ou, $ou Utile (rat;" 4e5s got the (elt

out, an! I5m so scare! that Ipse in m$ pants.

At &irst 9rnk (ould not )elie"e ll !is memories# +My)e * mde it up%+ !e

would sy% or +My)e t!ey6re ust &ntsies#+ *t ws )ttle to 'et !im to ((ept t!t

!is memories were true

;ou will &ind t!t% on(e you &eel s&e% t!e im'es will (ome# ;ou will

remem)er it ll% nd experien(e t!t pin# And in experien(in' t!e pin% you will

strt to !el#

J. 0hile %oing Imager$, >ent Your 7nger at Your 7(users). Stop @eeUng 4elpless

in the Image. Strike )(k t your )user# *m'ine yoursel& stron'er% older% or well8

rmed% so you (n express your n'er# Stop )ein' t!t !elpless (!ild# n' on

pillow or telep!one )ooks w!ile you do t!is#

T=E3A2*STF 0hat !o $ou see in the imageH

93ANKF 0e5re in the &itchen. 2$ father is (eating up on m$ $ounger (rother. 4e5s

reall$ out of control. 2$ mother is stan!ing in the comer screaming.

T=E3A2*STF V ant $ou to freee the image for a moment. 93ANK O&a$.

T=E3A2*STF 6o turn to $our father an! teU him hat he5s !oing that5s rong.

93ANK V can5t. It5s too !angerous. Seems to collapse into his chair.)

T=E3A2*STF V un!erstan!. You5re not poerful enough. Let5s !o something to help

$ou. I ant $ou to gro up in the image, until $ou are as (ig as $ou are no.

93ANKF O&a$.



T=E3A2*STF 6o teU 2m. #eU 2m hat he5s !oing rong. You can hit

the couch ith $our fists as $ou tal&. 93ANKF O&a$. I step (eteen him an!

m$ little (rother, an! shove him (ac&

against the all I loo& !on into his face. 4e loo&s nervous. Dunches

the couch.)

I teU2m, "4e$, (ig man, (eating up a five'$ear'ol!. You must (e



1I? 3 E J N V E N T I N G ;O U R LI F E

a orm insi!e to get $our hic&s ti&e this. 7 slea$ orm. You5re vile. I hate

$ou. Dunches the couch) If $ou ever touch m$ (rother again I5S (eat $ou

ithin an inch of $our life."

T=E3A2*STF 4o !i! that feeD

93ANKF smiles) Freat.

T!is exer(ise is one o& empowerin' yoursel&# *t will !elp &ree you &rom t!edomintion o& your )user# At some le"el you re still opertin' in t!e world s

&ri'!tened (!ild# We wnt you to (lim t!e power o& n dult ;ou no lon'er !"e to

su)mit to your )user#

K. Stop 8laming Yourself. You %i! 6ot %eserve the 7(use. Stop ma&ing

e?cuses for $our a(user. ;ou were not t &ult ;ou were !elpless (!ild#

;ou did t!e )est you (ould under t!e (ir(umstn(es# *t is importnt to )e

(rystl8(ler on t!is issue# 6o chil! !eserves to (e a(use!.

MADEL*NEF I &no Ishoul!n5t sleep ith gu$s right aa$. It ma&es me feel !irt$.

8ut Ifeel !irt$ an$a$, h&e I5m !amage! goo!s. 0ho coul! realt$ ant me,

e?cept for a onenig&t stan!H

T=E3A2*STF It upsets us to see $ou (lame $ourself this a$. It as $our stepfather

ho as !irt$, not $ou.

No mtter w!t you were mde to &eel% t!e )use did not !ppen )e(use you were

)d# T!t ws ust (on"enient ex(use# @i(timi4ers lwys de"lue t!eir "i(tims#

Awke &rom your &eelin's o& de&e(ti"eness# 9ind t!e 'ood (!ild wit!in you# 9ee-

sympt!y &or t!is wounded (!ild#

T=E3A2*STF V ant $ou to (ring $ourself into the image as an a!ult, an! help the

chil!.

MADEL*NEF sighs) I (ring m$self in. #he chil! 2a!eline is l$ing on the couch

ith him. 4er e$es loo& !ea! I pic& her up an! carr$ her out of the room. I

ta&e her outsi!e, far aa$. I sit !on ith her in m$ arms, an! I 1ust roc& her.

Get n'ry t t!e prent w!o did not prote(t you# T!is is prt o& t!e pi(ture too#

Dire(t t!e n'er wy &rom yoursel&# Stop delin' wit! your n'er in sel&8

destru(ti"e wys.)y etin'% or )e(omin' ddi(ted% or )y &eelin' depressed nd

empty# <se your n'er to mke you stron'er#

=. onsi!er Re!ucing or Stopping ontact ith Your 7(users) 0hile You

0or& on #his Lifetrap. We &ind t!t ptients 'enerlly mke )etter pro'8



T=E M*ST3<ST AND A<SE L*9ET3A2 i I

ress w!en t!ey (ut o&& (ont(t wit! t!eir )users# Some ptients (ut (ont(t o&&

temporrily% nd ot!ers (ut it o&& &ore"er# T!e e"entul reltions!ip you wnt wit!

your )user is w!olly your de(ision# *t is lso your de(ision w!et!er you tell your

)user w!y you re stoppin' (ont(t#

ut% t lest &or w!ile% in t!e )e'innin' st'es o& !elin'% it is o&ten )est to

se"er (ont(t# ;our )user is power&ul rein&or(er o& your li&etrp# =e or s!e 'i"es

you ll t!e wron' mess'es.t!t you re !elpless% "i(tim% de&e(ti"e% t &ult#

93ANK 0hen 7!rienne an! I ha! !inner ith m$ parents, I felt li&e suc& a 1er&.

Right assa$. 0e sat !on at i&e ta(le, an! I imme!iatel$ &noc&e! over m$ glass

of ater. 2$ pants got soa&e!. 2$ father starte! ca2ng me spastic an!

laughing at me. I felt h&e a orm.

T=E3A2*STF 0hat !i! $ou !o hen he sai! thaiH

93ANKF 6othing. I got &in! of -uiet. I as -uiet for the rest of i&e meal.

*t is !rd to !el in t!t toxi( en"ironment#

N. If his Dossi(le, 0hen You 7re Rea!$, onfront Your 7(user @aceKoQ @ace, or

Sen! a Letter. T!is exer(ise is lso )out empowerin' yoursel&# <ntil you (on&ront

your )user% some prt o& you will remin !elpless (!ild.un)le to prote(t

yoursel& in world o& mle"olent dults# 2rt o& you will still )e &rid# ut you re

not !elpless (!ild nymore ;ou can stnd up to your )user#

93ANKF V !i! it Satur!a$. I invite! m$ father over to m$ apartment. I figure! it

oul! go (etter on m$ turf. 7s soon as he got there, I starte! in.

I tol! him that he ha! a(use! me an! m$ (rother, an! that his (ehavior

shoe! him to (e a (ull$ an! a coar!. I tol! him that I hate! him for hat he

ha! !one, an! !i! not ant to spea& to him again until * sai! so, ma$(e never.

I tol! him he as a selfish, infantile, ea& man. I tol! him it as a 4e that I in

an$ a$ !eserve! his a(use. I tol! him ever$thing.

T=E3A2*STF 4o !i! it feelH

93ANKF V never felt (etter in m$ life.

Stte w!t t!e )user did to you# rin' it out in t!e open# ;ou will &eel relie&# Stnd

up nd sy% +;ou did t!is to me%+ +* won6t permit it nymore%+ nd +*6m &urious t

you#+

Mdeline ws no lon'er in (ont(t wit! !er step&t!er% )ut s!e wrote !im

letter

%a!,

0hen I as a chil! $ou too& a!vantage of m$ normal nee! for love an!

affection. I as especiall$ vulnera(le. 2$ on father ha! !ie! an! m$ mother

as hoo&e! on !rugs. #here as no one to protect me.

#he thing that hurts me i&e most is that I rea!$ love! $ou. 7t first $ou

ere so on!erful to me. You gave me love an! I as thirst$ for love.

It as so har! for me to (elieve that it as allfa&e, (ut it as. You ere

using me. If $ou care! a(out me, $ou coul! never have !one hat $ou !i!.

6o I hate $ou. You ham !amage! m$ a(ilit$ to love an! ro((e! me of

the 1o$ of m$ se?ualit$. #hese are things that ere rightfull$ mine an! $ou too&

them. You ma!e me hate m$self.

I !on5t ever ant $ou to contact me ogam.

2a!eline

W!et!er you intend to send it or not writin' su(! letter is 'ood exer(ise# *t (n )e

(lensin' pro(ess# 9or one t!in'% it sttes your "ision o& t!e trut!# T!is is n

importnt "lidtion o& yoursel&# *t (n lso )e re!ersl &or lter &(e8to8&(e

(on&ronttion# *n t!e letter% tell t!e person w!t t!ey did t!t ws wron'# Tell !ow it

mde you &eel% nd !ow you wis!ed it (ould !"e )een insted#

Mdeline (on&ronted !er mot!er in person# =er mot!er ws still ddi(ted todru's#

MADEL*NEF V tol! her I consi!ere! her use of !rugs a selfish act that ha!

hurt me !eepl$. It ha! left me ithout a mother. I tol! her she ha!

a(an!one! me hen I as too $oung to ta&e care of m$self. 7n!




(ecause of this I ha! (een se?uall$ a(use! ($ one of her hus(an!s for

man$ $ears.

T=E3A2*STF 4o !i! it fe!H

MADEL*NE, It as upsetting (ut it as goo!. If ma!e me feel (etter.

Of course she 1ust starte! ma&ing her usual e?cuses an! !enials. 8ut I

asn 5i going to let her get to me. I 1ust turne! aroun! an! left the room.

I !on5t &no hen I5ll caS her again.

Get support &rom someone you (n trust s you do t!is# T!is is most importnt% sin(e

in ll likeli!ood your )user will deny responsi)ility# *n our experien(e% most o& t!e

time w!en t!ere !s )een serious )use% t!e prent denies itYou must (e prepare!

for this possi(ilit$.

T!e importnt t!in' is t!t you re sttin' t!e trut!# T!e su((ess o& t!e

ri&ronttion does not depend on !ow your )user responds# 3t!er% t!e su((ess is

in w!t t!e (on&ronttion does &or you.!ow it mkes you &eel stron' nd 'ood

)out yoursel&#

7. Stop #olerating 7(use in Your urrent Relationships. We !"e to (om)t

your &tl ttr(tion to )usi"e prtners#

MADEL*NEF V spent m$ hole earl$ tenties going out ith ps$chopaths, creeps,

!rug a!!icts, an! Oars.

Look t your (urrent reltions!ips# Write down t!e wys in w!i(! you still permit

yoursel& to )e )used.!it mnipulted% put down% !umilited% rped# T!is ll must

stop# ;ou (nnot !el w!ile your li&etrp is )ein' rein&or(ed# Strtin' t!is moment%

we do not wnt you to llow nyone to )use you e"er 'in#

*& your )user is prtner or &riend% t!ere is smll (!n(e !e or s!e (n

(!n'e# ;ou (n 'i"e t!e person one (!n(e# Stnd up &or your ri'!ts# 2rote(t

yoursel&# Stop )lo(kin' your n'er.express it Con&ront t!e person# Do not )e(ome

''ressi"e yoursel&# Sty sserti"e nd (ontrolled#

ut do not 'et su(ked into denil# *& your )user will not (!n'e% you !"e to

le"e t!e reltions!ip# We know t!is my )e di&&i(ult &or you% nd 'in we

emp!si4e t!t you s!ould )e in t!erpy# ;ou need support &or t!e !rd de(isions t!t

lie !ed#

. #r$ to #rust an! Fet loser to Deople 0ho %eserve It ;ou my !"e

di&&i(ulty trustin' people% e"en w!en t!ey re well8intentioned# T!is is one

o& t!e min wys you mintin t!e li&etrp# Tke n o)e(ti"e look t your

reltions!ips# 9o(us on mtimte ones.&mily% (lose &riends% lo"ers%

spouses% (!ildren#

9or e(! person in your li&e t!t is not o)"iously )usi"e% write down ll t!e

e"iden(e t!t !eVs!e can )e trusted# Next write down ll t!e e "iden(e t!t !eVs!e

cannot )e trusted# *& you do not relly !"e mu(! e"iden(e o& )d tretment% try

trustin' more# Let down your 'urd 'rdully# Try to 'et (loser% nd trust people w!o

deser"e it#

2tients re o&ten surprised t !ow little o)e(ti"e e"iden(e t!ey !"e t!t

"rious people re wort!y o& mistrust T!is ws (ertinly t!e (se wit! 9rnk#

93ANKF Seeing as ho the onl$ evi!ence I reall$ have is that ol!'(o$frien! episo!e

$ears ago, I5ve !eci!e! to tr$ to give 7!rierine the (enefit of the !ou(t. I5ve

stoppe! chec&ing up on her herever she goes. I5ve stoppe! accusing her of

cheating on me. pause) I5m 1ust so frightene! to (e rong. It5s frightening to

me, (ut I5m !oing it.

T=E3A2*STF 0hat5s the effect (een on $our relationshipH

93ANKF It5s !efinitel$ (etter. @or one thing I !on 5i feel on the verge of losing it all

the time an$more. I5m not getting as angr$. 7n! 7!rienne5s !efinitel$ happier.

She5s getting more rela?e!.

I mean I still get flare'ups. Li&e the other !a$, she got this callfrom this gu$ 8UI, hom she or&s ith. I coul! hear her laughing on the phone, an! it

reall$ starte! to (other me. I got into anting to snea& an! listen on the

e?tension. I starte! getting aU or&e! up, thin&ing I oul! hear some !ue that

7!rienne5s messing aroun! ith him. 8ut I stoppe! m$self from !oing it. 7n!

once I !eci!e! not to !o it, I felt much (etter.

In the ol! !a$s that oul! have (een a fight for sure.




<nless you !"e surrounded yoursel& (ompletely wit! )usi"e people% t!ere re

)ound to )e some people in your li&e t!t you (n trust#

A t!erpy reltions!ip my )e t!e )est pl(e &or you to )e'in# ;ou (n lern to

trust in s&e pl(e#

*. #r$ to 8ecome Involve! ith a Dartner 0ho Respects Your Rights an! %oes 6ot

0ant to 4urt You. Exmine your intimte prtners% pst nd present% &or e"iden(e o&

)use *& you re in n )usi"e reltions!ip% 'et !elp to stop t!e )use or end t!e

reltions!ip# *t is most de"sttin' o& ll to remin wit! n )usi"e romnti( prtner#

Try to re(o'ni4e t!e dn'er si'nls in (!oosin' &uture prtners# Knowin' t!e

dn'er si'nls (n !elp you &eel (on&ident t!t you (n pi(k trustwort!y prtner#

E"en i& t!e (!emistry is weker% 'et in"ol"ed wit! menVwomen w!o respe(t your

ri'!ts nd do not wnt to !urt you#

T!e 'retest stum)lin' )lo(k &or Mdeline ws o"er(omin' !er "oidn(e o&

romnti( reltions!ips# =er (on"i(tion t!t men re untrustwort!y ws pro&ound#

MADEL*NEF I5! rather (e alone than go through another (a! relationship.

T=E3A2*STF So $ou !on5t (elieve a relationship ith a man can (e goo!

MADEL*NEF 6o. It5s ho men are. %eep insi!e the$ aS ant to use $ou

an! then thro $ou aa$. #he$ 1ust preten! to care to get hat the$

ant.

T=E3A2*STF You soun! ver$ angr$.

MADEL*NEF Yeah, I5m angr$. I5m angr$, I5m stuc&, an! I5m angr$ a(out (eing stuc&

Mdeline )elie"ed t!t t!e )est s!e (ould !ope &or ws not!er pin&ul reltions!ip#

Wit! t!t lo'i(% it mde sense to "oid reltions!ips lto'et!er# T!is is n exmple o&

Es(pe s (opin' style

=owe"er% t!e trut! is t!t t!ere re mny people in t!e world w!o re kinder

t!n t!e people in your &mily# ;ou expe(t t!e w!ole world to )e like your &mily%

nd you re wron'# ;ou re o"er8'enerli4in'#

Go t!rou'! period o& ust dtin' &irst# Work your wy into reltions!ips

slowly# Keep &eelin' o& (ontrol# As you 'et into reltions!ips% mke sure you stnd

up &or your ri'!ts# 2rote(t yoursel&# @lue yoursel& !i'!ly# *t will en(our'e your

prtner to do t!e sme

T. %o 6ot 7(use the Deople lose to You. Do not (t out t!e )usi"e )e!"ior you

experien(ed s (!ild on your prtner% (!ildren% &riends% or employees# T!ere is no

ex(use &or )use#

93ANKF #he thing that ma!e me change toar! 7!rienne most of aU as realiing

that even though I !on5t ever hit 7!rienne or an$thing, m$ constant haranguing

of her an! out(ursts reall$ ere a form of a(use.

*& you !"e )een )usin' someone you lo"e% slop right no. *& you (nnot stop% 'et

!elp ri'!t wy# More t!n 'ettin' (u'!t up in 'uilt nd (ontinuin' t!e (y(le%

stoppin' will !elp you#

We wnt you to mke mends to t!e people you !"e !urt# Tell t!em you

reli4e you !"e )een wron'% nd sk t!eir &or'i"eness# Outline spe(i&i( wys you

re 'oin' to (!n'e#

3emem)er your own inner (!ild# *t is t!e )est wy to keep yoursel& &rom

)e(omin' n )user#



SOME 9*NAL WO3DS

T!e rod out o& t!e Mistrust nd A)use Li&etrp is lon' nd di&&i(ult ut &or t!t

reson it (n )e one o& t!e most rewrdin'# T!e rod (n )rin' you to w!t you!"e lwys wnted.to lo"e nd )e lo"ed# Do not li"e your w!ole li&e (u'!t in

t!e li&etrp# Get !elp to 'et out# T!e Li&etrp rises &rom (!ild )use# ;ou s!ould

!"e no s!me )out needin' !elp# 3e(lim t!e t!in's t!t% s Mdeline sys% re

ri'!t&ully yours.il t!e oys t!t re possi)le in supporti"e !umn reltions!ips#

@ 5



Eli4)et! nd $os! !"e )een mrried &or &i"e yers# T!ey !"e ))y )oy%

Eli4)et! is wrm nd nurturnt mot!er# *n &(t% s!e tends to spoil !er son% S!e

&inds it pin&ul to !er t!e sound o& !is (ryin'% nd rus!es to &ill e"en !is sli'!test

demnds#

EL*RAET=F 8efore the (a($ as (om, I or&e! as a social or&er. 8ut I gave it

up to sta$ home ith %ann$. 2$ Ufe revolves aroun! that (a($. 2$ time itit

him is (lissful.

8ut lam so unhapp$ ith fosh. 4e is so (old# @t is 4&e tr$ing to get

afer from a stone. I &ne he as li&e this hen e got marrie!, (ut I Ipe! he oul! change. 8ut reall$ it lias 1ust gotten orse.

$os! is n exe(uti"e in lr'e (orportion# =e works lon' !ours nd tr"els ll o"er

t!e world# Eli4)et! spends mny ni'!ts nd weekends !ome lone wit! t!e ))y,

+E"en w!en $os! is !ome% it is not mu(! )etter# =e6s preo((upied wit! !is work nd

seems uninterested in spendin' time wit! me#+ Eli4)et! suspe(ts t!t !e is

un&it!&ul to !er on !is )usiness trips# S!e is in (onstnt stte o& n'er# On t!e rre

o((sions t!t t!ey re to'et!er% s!e spends most o& t!e time (omplinin' nd

repro(!in' !im# *roni(lly% !er n'er ust ser"es to pus! $os! &urt!er wy#

$ed% Dustin% nd Eli4)et! ll !"e t!e Emotionl Depri"tion li&etrp# *& you

!"e t!is li&etrp% you !"e deep nd &ixed )elie& t!t your needs &or lo"e will

ne"er )e met#

T=E EMOT*ONAL DE23*@AT*ON <EST*ONNA*3E

T!e 7uestionnire )elow will !elp you de(ide !ow stron'ly you !"e t!is li&etrp#

3te e(! item usin' t!e &ollowin' s(leF

SCO3*NG K E;





Mostly true o& me


*& you !"e ny 6s or 6s on t!is 7uestionnire% t!is li&etrp my Still pply to

you e"en i& your s(ore is in t!e low rn'e#

SCO3E DESC3*2T*ON

1# ) need more lo"e t!n ) 'et#

?# No one relly understnds me#

# * m o&ten ttr(ted to (old prtners w!o (n6t meet my needs#

B# * &eel dis(onne(ted% e"en &rom t!e people w!o re (losest to

me#

# ) !"e not !d one spe(il person) lo"e w!o wnts to s!re

!imV!ersel& wit! me nd (res deeply )out w!t !ppens to me## No one is t!ere to 'i"e me wrmt!% !oldin'% nd &&e(tion#

H# * do not !"e someone w!o relly listens nd is tuned into my

true needs nd &eelin's#

# *t is !rd &or me to let people 'uide or prote(t me% e"en

t!ou'! it is w!t ) wnt inside#

J# &t is !rd &or me to let people lo"e me#

1I# * m lonery lot o& t!e time#

-&!$ T&TAL E&T)&0AL DEP$)1AT)&0 S*&$E


* NTE323ET*NG ;O<3 EMOT*ONAL DE23*@AT*ON SCO3E

1I81J @ery low# T!is li&etrp pro))ly does not pply to you# ?I8?J 9irly )w# T!is

li&etrp my only pply occasional. I8J Moderte# T!is li&etrp is n issue in

your li&e# BI8BJ =i'!# T!is is de&initely ! important li&etrp &or you# I8I @ery

!i'!# T!is is de&initely one o& your care li&et8ps#T=E E>2E3*ENCE O9 EMOT*ONAL DE23*@AT*ON

T!e experien(e o& emotionl depri"tion is !rder to de&ine t!n some o& t!e ot!er

li&etrps# O&ten it is not (rystlli4ed into t!ou'!ts# T!is is )e(use t!e ori'inl

depri"tion )e'n so erly% )e&ore you !d t!e words to des(ri)e it# ;our experien(e

o& emotionl depri"tion is mu(! more t!e sense t!t you re 'oin' to )e lonely

@ 4



3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

&ore"er% t!t (ertin t!in's re ne"er 'oin' to )e &ul&illed &or you% t!t you will

ne"er )e !erd% ne"er )e understood#

Emotionl depri"tion &eels like somet!in' is missin'# *t is &eelin' o&

emptiness. 2er!ps t!e im'e t!t most (ptures its menin' is t!t o& neglecte!

(!ild# Emotionl depri"tion is w!t ne'le(ted (!ild &eels# *t is &eelin' o&

loneness% o& no)ody t!ere# *t is sd nd !e"y sense o& knowled'e t!t you re

destined to )e lone#

W!en $ed &irst (me into t!erpy% !e (ould not relly tell us w!t ws

distur)in' !im# At &irst !e sid t!in's like% +* &eel lone%+ +* &eel det(!ed#+ lter !e

told us t!t !e !s experien(ed su(! intense &eelin's o& loneliness nddis(onne(tion t!t !e !s (onsidered sui(ide#

$EDF V am emotionall$ !ea!. 2$ lac& of intimac$ ith omen applies to all m$

relationships. I5m not !ose to an$one, not to an$ famil$ mem(ers, not to

frien!s.

9or $ed t!e world is n emotionl desert =is only respite &rom isoltion is in t!e

"ery erly st'es o& !is reltions!ips wit! women# And% s we !"e noted% t!ese re

s!ort8li"ed

Some people wit! t!is li&etrp s!ow tenden(y to )e !eman!ing in

reltions!ips# T!ere is n insatia(le 7ulity to t!e li&etrp# No mtter !ow mu(!

people 'i"e you% it ne"er &eels like enou'!# Ask yoursel&% +Do people keep tellin'

me t!t * m too needy% or t!t * sk &or too mu(!+

$ed is n exmple Eline rrn'ed n el)orte )irt!dy prty &or !im t 'ret

e&&ort nd expense# Ne"ert!eless% w!en !e opened !er present t t!e prty% $ed &elt

s!rp pn' o& disppointment +T!e one * '"e !er wsmuch more expensi"e+ *t is

t!is persistent &eelin' o& depri"tion in t!e &(e o& (ler e"iden(e o& etin' t!t

mrks t!e person wit! n Emotionl Depri"tion li&etrp#

One wy Eli4)et! expressed !er li&etrp ws )y (!oosin' &ield o& work t!t

in"ol"ed meetin' t!e needs o& ot!er people# S!e )e(me so(il worker# 2er!ps

you re in one o& t!e !elin' or !elpin' pro&essions# Gi"in' nurturance to ot!ers

my )e wy &or you to (ompenste &or your own &eelin's o& unmet emotionl

needs# Similrly% you mi'!t exert 'ret e&&ort towrd meetin' t!e needs o& your

&riends# Eli4)et! sidF

EL*RAET=, V am ala$s the listener. Other people tell me their pro(lems, an! I

&elp them as (est I can, (ut I !on5t teS an$one m$ pro(lems. I guess that5s h$

I came to see $ou. I un!erstan! people (etter than the$ un!erstan! me, or

care to un!erstan!

9inlly% it is si'n o& t!e Emotionl Depri"tion li&etrp to &eel (!roni(lly

!isappointe! in ot!er people# 2eople let you down# We re not spekin' )out

sin'le (se o& disppointment )ut rt!er pttern o& experien(es o"er lon' period

o& time# *& your (on(lusion s result o& ll your reltions!ips is t!t you (nnot

(ount on people to )e t!ere &or you emotionlly.t!t is si'n t!t you !"e t!e

li&etrp#

T=E O3*G*NS O9 EMOT*ONAL DE23*@AT*ON

T!e ori'ins o& emotionl depri"tion lie in t!e person w!o ser"es s t!e mternl

&i'ure &or t!e (!ile-.t!e person w!o is (!ie&ly responsi)le &or 'i"in' t!e (!ild

emotionl nurturn(e# *n some &milies t!is &i'ure is mn% )ut in our (ulture it is

usully womn# T!e &t!er &i'ure is importnt lso% )ut in t!e &irst yers o& li&e% it

is usully t!e mot!er w!o &orms t!e (enter o& t!e (!ild6s world# T!t &irst

reltions!ip )e(omes t!e prototype &or t!ose t!t &ollow# 9or t!e rest o& t!e

indi"idul6s li&e% most (lose reltions!ips will )er t!e stmp o& t!t &irst experien(e

wit! mot!er#

Wit! emotionl depri"tion% t!e (!ild re(ei"ed less t!n "er'e mount o& mternl nurturn(e# T!eterm nurturance !s num)er o& dimensions% s you (n see &rom t!e t)le

)elow outlinin' t!e ori'ins o& t!is li&etrp# We use t!e word mother to re&er to t!e

mternl &i'ure#

# Mot!er does not soot!e t!e (!ild de7utely# T!e (!ild% t!en% my

not lern to soot!e !imV!ersel& or to ((ept soot!in' &rom ot!ers#

# T!e prents do not de7utely 'uide t!e (!ild or pro"ide

T=E O3*G*NS O9 EMOT*ONAL DE23*@AT*ON

1# Mot!er is (old nd un&&e(tionte S!e does not !old nd ro(k t!e

(!ild enou'!#

?# T!e (!ild does not !"e sense o& )ein' lo"ed nd "lued.o&

)ein' someone w!o is pre(ious nd special.

#Mot!er does not 'i"e t!e (!ild enou'! time nd ttention#

B#T!e mot!er is not relly tuned into t!e (!ild6s needs# S!e !s

di&&i(ulty empt!i4in' wit! t!e (!ild6s world# S!e does not relly

connect wit! t!e (!ild#



sense o& dire(tion# T!ere is no one solid &or t!e (!ild to rely upon#

As we know% Eli4)et! 'rew up to &ul&ill !er mot!er6s wis!es# S!e mrried ri(!

mn# Now s!e is t!e exe(uti"e6s wi&e# =e expe(ts !er to )e pretty nd (!rmin' &or

(ompny# W!en t!e (ompny is 'one% !e i'nores !er#

Dustin% t!e mn w!o keeps &llin' in lo"e wit! un"il)le women%

seemin'ly !d 'ood mot!er# S!e did ll t!e ri'!t t!in's# S!e '"e Dustin t!e )est

toys% t!e )est (lot!es% t!e )est s(!ools% t!e )est "(tions# ;et t!ere ws sense o&

(oldness# Dustin6s mot!er ws su((ess&ul lwyer# S!e !d )uilt ( reer t time

w!en it ws rrity to &ind women workin' in t!e pro&essions# S!e &o(used !er

ttention lmost ex(lusi"ely on !er work# At !ome s!e ws sel&8)sor)ed nd

wit!drwn#

Alt!ou'! s!e did not dmit it to !ersel&% in !er !ert s!e re'rded Dustin s

nuisn(e% s demndin' (!ild w!o distr(ted !er &rom mtters o& true importn(e#

And s!e ws simply not wrm womn# S!e !d di&&i(ulty s!owin' &&e(tion% e"ento people w!om s!e ppre(ited more t!n Dustin# Se(redy% s!e )lmed Dustin &or

t!e low intensity o& !er &eelin's towrd !im *t ws not her &ult t!t !e roused so

little lo"e#

Dustin 'rew up wit! (ore o& 'rie& o"er t!e )sen(e o& nurturin' mot!er#

=e (o"ered !is 'rie& wit! !rd s!ell o& n'er# T!is is n exmple o& t!e

Countertt(kin' (opin' style we dis(ussed in C!pter B# On t!e sur&(e% !e

seemed "ery mu(! t!e spoiled% petulnt )oy#

Now% s n dult Dustin reen(ts !is Emotionl Depri"tion li&etrp in !is

numerous romnti( reltions!ips wit! un"il)le women# =e pursues one doomed

reltions!ip &ter not!er# *ne"it)ly% e(! womn &rustrtes !im nd !e )e(omes

in(resin'ly demndin'# *t lwys ends wit! t!e womn )rekin' !is !ert#

D<ST*NF 8efore I starte! therap$ IreaS$ ha! no i!ea I as caught in this process.

Each time I thought I 1ust !ppened to fall in love ith a otnan ho 1ust

!ppened to (e unavaila(le,

Alt!ou'! !is mot!er ws emotionlly depri"in'% Dustin ws &ortunte in one

respe(t# =e !d lo"in' &t!er# *& not &or t!e reltions!ip wit! !is &t!er% Dustin

mi'!t !"e seled !imsel& o&& &ore"er &rom intimte !umn (ont(t% T!e lo"e

Dustin6s &t!er '"e !im prtly !eled t!e dm'e done )y !is mot!er% so t!t t!e

li&etrp de"eloped in more limited wy# =e ws )le to &orm ot!er !elt!y

reltions!ips outside t!e &mily#

Dustin6s li&etrp !s restri(ted rn'e in !is dult li&e =e does not "iew

everyones depri"in'.only t!e women wit! w!om !e &lls in lo"e# Dustin !s

stis&yin' reltions!ips wit! mny people% =e !s mny 'ood &riends% )ot! mle

nd &emle% to w!om !e pours out t!e misery o& !is stormy lo"e &&irs#

@ B

ed6s depri"tion ws se"ere# =e ws lmost totllyne'le(ted# $ed6s mot!er ws se"enteen w!en s!e )e(me pre'nnt# =is &t!er ws mu(! older ndmrried% nd re&used to (knowled'e ed s !is son# =ismot!er !d !oped t!t on(e $ed ws )orn% !is &t!er

would relent nd ssume !is pl(e )eside !er# T!is isnot w!t !ppened% !owe"er#

$EDF 2$ father sfe! no more interest m tierafter I as (om than he ha!

shon (efore. 7s soon as she realie! I as useless as (ait to in him ' (ac&, she

lost all interest in me. She e?pecte! her life to return imme!iatel$ to normal, so she

coul! resume !ating rich ol!er men. She reall$ never shoul! have ha! me.

We o&ten !er p!rses like t!ese &rom ptients wit! Emotionl Depri"tionF +* don6t

know w!y s!e !d me%+ or +T!ey ne"er s!ould !"e !d me#+ $ed remem)ers &rom

t!e time !e ws "ery youn'% !"in' no one to tke (re o& !im#

$EDF 2ost of the time she asn 5I aroun!. 8ut even hen she as ith me it as no

!ifferent 0henever I ante! something from her, she oul! sa$, "8e -uiet, go

to sleep, $ou nee! a nap," an! go on ith hat she as !oing as if I asn5t

there.

9or Eli4)et!% t!e depri"tion ws more su)tle# =er mot!er ws responsi)le

person nd would not neglect !er (!ild# =owe"er% like $ed6s mot!er% s!e ws

narcissistic. *nsted o& "iewin' !er (!ild s seprte person wit! needs o& !er own%

s!e "iewed !er (!ild s n extension o& !ersel&# S!e sw Eli4)et! s no(1ect, to

)e used &or !er own 'rti&i(tion#

W!t Eli4)et!6s mot!er wnted% w!t s!e !d &iled to (!ie"e in !er own

li&e% ws to )e ri(!# S!e wnted Eli4)et! to mrry ri(! mn#

EL*RAET=F She taught me to (e prett$ an! charming. It as the price of her love.

She taught me to perform for compan$. She too& me shopping. She !resse! me

up li&e a !oll. 8ut hen e ere !one shopping an! the compan$ as gone,

she ignore! me. 1ust asn5t relevant an$more.



Dustin6s (se illustrtes t!e importnt role t!e &t!er plys in t!e (!ild6s erly

li&e# *& (!ild !s n emotionlly depri"in' mot!er% )ut &t!er w!o is not

depri"in'% t!e &t!er (n )e(ome )ri'!t spot in t!e (!ild6s ot!erwise drk psy(!i(

li&e# T!e &t!er6s lo"e (n ser"e s prtil remedition o& t!e (!ild6s emotionl

depri"tion *& t!e (!ild is lu(ky% t!e &t!er will sense t!e inde7u(y o& t!e mot!er

nd ssume 'reter portion o& responsi)ility &or pro"idin' nurturn(e# As Dustin

sid% +My &t!er !elped me keep !ope in t!e world#+ Similrly% (!ildren w!o !"e

depri"in' &t!er )ut mot!er w!o is not depri"in'% my reen(t t!eir emotionl

depri"tion s dults in (ertin reltions!ips )ut not in ot!ers# 9or exmple% 'irls

wit! depri"in' &t!ers my reen(t t!is li&etrp in lo"e &&irs wit! men% )ut not so

mu(! in ot!er types o& reltions!ips#

*t sometimes tkes us w!ile to reli4e t!t ptient !s t!e Emotionl

Depri"tion li&etrp# <nlike most o& t!e ot!er li&etrps% w!ere t!e prent does

somet!in' active t!t dm'es t!e (!ild% emotionl depri"tion results &rom t!e

a(sence o& (ertin mot!erin' )e!"iors# e!"iors o& t!e prent su(! s t!e

(ntiplness t!t 'i"es rise to t!e De&e(ti"eness li&etrp% or t!e domintion t!t 'i"es

rise to Su)u'tion% re !i'!ly "isi)le T!e prent (ommits (tions t!e (!ild (n

remem)er# ut emotionl depri"tion is not lwys !ke t!is# Emotionl depri"tion

is somet!in' missing, somet!in' t!e (!ild ne"er knew#

Emotionl depri"tion% t!ere&ore% (n )e di&&i(ult li&etrp &or you to

re(o'ni4e <nless you experien(ed extreme ne'le(t% it mi'!t tke some explortion

to determine w!et!er you were depri"ed s (!ild# ;ou mi'!t re(o'ni4e t!e li&etrp

in yoursel& only &ter you !"e sked yoursel& spe(i&i( 7uestionsF +Did * &eel (lose tomy mot!er% did 1 &eel s!e understood me% did * &eel lo"ed% did * lo"e !er% ws s!e

wrm nd &&e(tionte% (ould * tell !er w!t * &elt% (ould s!e 'i"e me w!t *

needed+

*n t!erpy% mny people wit! t!e Emotionl Depri"tion li&etrp t &irst sy

t!in's like +O!% * !d norm- (!ild!ood# My mot!er ws lwys t!ere#16 Dustin

)e'n t!erpy syin'% +My mot!er '"e me e"eryt!in'# * !d e"eryt!in' * wnted#+

=owe"er% w!en people wit! t!is li&etrp des(ri)e t!eir pst nd (urrent

reltions!ips% somet!in' is wron'# A distur)in' pttern emer'es# T!ere is &eelin'

o& dis(onne(tion# 2er!ps t!e person is !ypersensiti"e to )ein' depri"ed or is

(!roni(lly n'ry# *t is only w!en we work our wy )(kwrds t!t we understnd

t!e ori'in# Alt!ou'! Emotionl Depri"tion is one o& t!e most (ommon li&etrps% it

is o&ten one o& t!e !rdest to dete(t#

3OMANT*C 3ELAT*ONS=*2S

*n our (ulture% it is romnti( reltions!ips t!t re usully t!e most intimte# 9or

t!is reson% some people w!o !"e t!e Emotionl Depri"tion li&etrp "oid

romnti( reltions!ips lto'et!er% or only 'et into t!em &or s!ort time# T!is istypi(l o& t!e Es(pe (opin' style =owe"er% i& you re willin' to )e(ome in"ol"ed

in romnti( reltions!ips nd do not simply remin lone% it is pro))ly in t!ese

reltions!ips t!t your li&etrp is most "isi)le

2er!ps you% like $ed% !"e !istory o& )rekin' o&& reltions!ips w!en t!e

person strts to 'et too (lose# ;ou (on"eniently &ind resons to end t!e reltions!ip#

Or% like Dustin% you prote(t yoursel& &rom (loseness )y (!oosin' prtners w!o re

un"il)le# Or% like Eli4)et!% you (!oose someone w!o is t!ere% )ut is (old nd

un'i"in'# No mtter w!t pt! you tke% t!e &inl out(ome is t!e sme ;ou wind up

in sitution t!t is emotionlly depri"in'% t!us repli(tin' your (!ild!ood

depri"tion

T!e next t)le lists some o& t!e dn'er si'nls to "oid in t!e erly st'es o&

dtin'# T!ey re si'nls t!t you re )out to repet t!e pttern 'in nd )e(ome

in"ol"ed wit! someone w!o is emotionlly depri"in'#

DANGE3 S*GNALS EN T=E EA3L; STAES O9 DAT*NG

1#=eVS!e doesn6t listen to me%

?#=eVS!e does ll t!e tlkin'#

#=eVS!e is not (om&ort)le tou(!in' or kissin' me#

B#=eVS!e is only spordi(lly "il)le#

#=eVS!e is (old nd loo&#

#;ou re mu(! more interested in 'ettin' (lose t!n !eVs!e is#

H#T!e person is not t!ere &or you w!en you &eel "ulner)le#

#T!e less "il)le !eVs!e is% t!e moreobsesse you )e(ome#

J#=eVS!e does not understnd your &eelin's#



.C9 ;ou re 'i"in' mu(! more t!n you re 'ettin'#

W!en se"erl o& t!ese si'nls re o((urrin' t on(e% run .prti(ulrly i& t!e

(!emistry is "ery stron'# ;our li&etrp !s )een tri''ered &ull &or(e#

We know it will )e !rd &or you to tke t!is d"i(e# All your yernin' will )e

dire(ted towrd styin' in t!e reltions!ip# T!is is w!t !ppened to Dustin Dustin

)e'n dtin' C!ristine in t!e (ourse o& t!erpy% C!ristine ws )euti&ul, s!e ws

su((ess&ul model in New ;ork City# Dustin ws ust one o& t!ron' o& men w!o

pursued !er# Alt!ou'! !e knew t!e &&ir ws doomed% !e (ould not stop !imsel&#

=is li&etrp &ou'!t &or t!e reltions!ip6s sur"i"l# We wt(!ed t!e w!ole pro(ess

spin itsel& out% &rom t!e !ei'!t o& C!ristine spendin' t!e weekend wit! !im t !is

(ountry !ouse% to t!e dept! o& !er &inl re&usl to see !im or to return !is

in(resin'ly desperte p!one (lls#

E"en i& you (!oose n pproprite prtner w!o is emotionlly 'i"in'% t!ere

re still pit&lls to "oid s your reltions!ip pro'resses#

EMOT*ONAL DE23*@AT*ON L*9ET3A2S * N A 3 ELAT*ONS=*2

1# ;ou don6t tell your prtner w!t you need% t!en &eel disppointed

w!en your needs re not met

?# ;ou don6t tell your prtner !ow you &eet% nd t!en &eel disppointedw!en you re not understood#

# ;ou don6t llow yoursel& to )e "ulner)le% so t!t your prtner (n

prote(t or 'uide you#

B# ;ou &eel depri"ed% )ut you don6t sy nyt!in'# ;ou !r)or resent8

ment

#;ou )e(ome n'ry nd demndin'#

#;ou (onstntly ((use your prtner o& not (rin' enou'! )out

you9

H# ;ou )e(ome distnt nd unre(!)le#

;ou mi'!t rein&or(e your depri"tion )y sa(otaging t!e reltions!ip# ;ou mi'!t

)e(ome !ypersensiti"e to si'ns o& ne'le(t# ;ou mi'!t expe(t your lo"er to red

your mind nd lmost m'i(lly to &ill your needs# Alt!ou'!% s we will dis(uss

next% some people w!o !"e t!e li&etrp Countertt(k )y )e(omin' demndin' in

reltions!ips% most do not sk &or w!t t!ey wnt# *t pro))ly does not o((ur to you

to spell out your needs# Most likely you do not sk &or w!t you wnt% nd t!en

)e(ome "ery !urt% wit!drwn% or n'ry w!en your emotionl needs re not met#

DEMAND*NGNESS *N 3ELAT*ONS=*2S

Some people wit! t!e Emotionl Depri"tion li&etrp counterattac&9 t!ey

(ompenste &or t!eir &eelin's o& depri"tion )y )e(omin' !ostile nd de8

I

mndin'# T!ese people renarcissistic. T!ey (t s i& t!ey re entitle! 'et ll t!eir

needs met T!ey demnd lot% nd o&ten 'et lot &rom people w!o )e(ome t!eir

lo"ers#

$ed is like t!is# 3e'rdless o& !ow mu(! nurturin' !e re(ei"es &roni womn%

!e still &eels t!t !is needs re not )ein' met =owe"er% insted (tin' !urt or

ree(ted )out not 'ettin' enou'!% !e )e(omesangr$. is "ery di&&erent &rom

Eli4)et!% w!o is lso !ypersensiti"e to emi sli'!ts% )ut insted remins siient )out

!er needs# $ed nd Eli4l illustrte two di&&erent styles o& (opin' wit! Emotionl

Depri"tionF $& n'er nd demndin'ness re typi(lof t!e Countertt(k (opin'

w!ile Eli4)et!6s silen(e is (!r(teristi(ofSurrender s wy o& rpids-:

W!y do some people re(t to Emotionl Depri"tion )y nr(issisti( T!e

nswer lies in (om)intion o& t!e Emotionl Depri" tion li&etrp nd t!e

Entitlement li&etrp# Alt!ou'! s (!ildren t!eir tional needs were not met in

importnt wys% nr(issists !"e lerned &i'!t t!e &eelin's o& depri"tion )y

)e(omin' "ery demndin' )out etn: more superficial needs#9or exmple% you mi'!t )e "ery demndin' )out w!t you et !ow you

dress% or w!om you re wit!% or w!ere you 'o# ;ou mi'!t )e demndin' )out

material t!in's# ;ou mi'!t )e demndin' )out n' t!in' ex(ept t!e true o)e(t o&

your (r"in'% w!i(! is emotionl tiurtuin(t#6 <n&ortuntely% t!ese mteril demnds

re ultimtely poor su)stitute9O3* lo"e nd understndin'% nd so you re not

stis&ied# ;ou 'o on (r"in' tn'i)le rewrds% ne"er ddressin' t!e underlyin'



issue% nd

re

stis&ied#As

(!ild% you

were not

llowed to

)e

demndin'

)out

emotionl

needs#

;our mot!er /pro))ly0 did not respond ut i& s!e llowed you )e demndin' )out

ot!er needs% it ws t lest wy &or you to [ sometfting. T!is is w!t !ppened to

Dustin# Alt!ou'! Dustin6s mt ws (old% s!e ws ex(ellent t &illin' ot!er types o& needs# S!e ws wit! mteril 'i&ts% so Dustin de"eloped a sense o& entitlement al

mteril t!in'sb <nlike Dustin% some (!ildren re ne'le(ted in )ot! mins%

emotionlly nd mterilly# No mtter w!ere t!ey rum% t!ey (ounter depri"tion#

T!ese (!ildren usully ust 'i"e up nd lern to expe(t, not!in' /t!e Surrender

(opin' style0#

T!ere is n inauthentic 7ulity to reltions!ip wit! a nr(issist *ntimte

en(ounters% e"en wit! t!e people t!ey re (losest to% remin super&i(il# *& t!is is

you% t some le"el you &eel sense o& despir t tt&eY s!llowness o& your

reltions!ips# *t is )e(use you re so seldom demndb in' )out t!e needs t!t re

most pressin'% t!e primry emotionl t!t your en(ounters strike note o& &lseness#

)0)fs6T!e &ollowin' list outlines t!e steps to (!n'e t!e Emotionl Depri"8pt li&etrpF

Q## C=ANG*NG EMOT*ONAL DE23*@AT*ON

YYYL, <nderstnd your (!ild!ood depri"tio 9eel t!e depri"ed (!ild inside o& you#

&( Monitor your reelin's o& depri"tion in your (urrent reltions!ips% 'ii% P Get

in tou(! wit! your needs &or nurturn(e% empt!y% nd YYr 'uidn(e#

(2 3e"iew pst reltions!ips% nd (lri&y t!e ptterns t!t re(ur# List997i2 P#

pit&lls to "oid &rom now on# YM8,A"oid (old prtners w!o 'enerte !i'! (!emistry%

p3#%W!en you &ind prtner w!o is emotionlly 'enerous% 'i"e t!e % %

reltions!ip (!n(e to work# 7s& &or w!t you wnt S!re # # your vulnera(iit$

wit! your prtner# Y\ Stop )lmin' your prtner nd demndin' t!t your needs )e

met

iris explore e(! step in more detil#

0lm!erslan! Your hil!hoo! %eprivation. @e! the %eprive! 2! Insi!e st&;m

<nderstndin' is lwys t!e &irst step# ;ou must (ome to terms t!e trut! o& w!t

!ppened to you s (!ild# As we !"e noted% wit! onl Depri"tion t!is (n )e

more di&&i(ult t!n wit! some o& t!e r li&etrps# ;ou my not e"en know t!t you

were depri"ed# YYYb&ed knew w!en !e (me to t!erpy t!t !e !d )een depri"ed#

Su(! +tnt depri"tion is esily re(o'ni4ed# E"en erly in t!erpy $ed ws )le

i'enerte im'es o& !is ne'le(t.o& )ein' t!e only (!ild wit!out mot!er YiYse!t t

(ountless o((sions% &rom re(ei"in' Cu) S(out medl ll t!e Ywyto !is !i'!

s(!ool nd (olle'e 'rdutions =e remem)ered &or'in' !is cn&(dier6s si'nture on

!is report (rds )e(use s!e (ould not )ot!er to si'n $lt!em#

i8F#@ $ed (ould esily ((ess !is n'er )out t!e depri"tion% )ut !e !d &d&&i(ulty

((essin' t!e pin /typi(l o& Countertt(kers0# Eli4)et!% on t!e &b!&r!nrl ws in

tou(! wit! t!e pin% wit! !ow lonely s!e &elt s (!ild & /typi(l o& Surrenderers0# *t

ws !rder &or !er to ((ess t!e n'er# ;ou '!ye)ot! n'er nd 'rie& )out your

depri"tion# As we s!ll see% it is !ponnt to try to &eel )ot!#

9or Dustin nd Eli4)et!% understndin' t!e pst ws more di&&i(ult# T!ey

were un(o"erin' more su)tle pro(ess# A(tully% we )elie"e t!t t!ere re t!ree

distin(t types o& emotionl depri"tion# rekin' it down t!is wy my !elp you to

(lri&y ex(tly w!t it ws t!t !ppened to you s (!ild# ;ou my !"e )een

depri"ed in one or two o& t!ese res )ut not t!e ot!ers#

T=3EE K *NDS O 9 EMOT*ONAL DE23*@AT*ON

I _____ :____________________________________________l

E(! kind o& depri"tion re&ers to di&&erent spe(t o& $o"e# 6urturance re&ers to

armth, ttention% nd p!ysi(l &&e(tion# Did your prents !old nd ro(k you Did

t!ey (om&ort nd soot!e you Did t!ey spend time wit! you Do t!ey !u' nd kiss

you w!en you see t!em now



Empath$ re&ers to !"in' someone w!o un!erstan!s your world nd vali!ates

your &eelin's# Did your prents understnd you Were t!ey in syn( wit! your

&eelin's Could you (on&ide in t!em w!en you !d pro)lems Were t!ey interestedin listenin' to w!t you !d to sy Would t!ey dis(uss Their own &eelin's wit!

you i& you sked t!em to Could t!ey (ommuni(tewith you

9inlly% Drotection re&ers to pro"idin' strength !irection, nd gui!ance. Did

you !"e someone you (ould 'o to s (!ild w!en you needed d"i(e% nd w!o ws

sour(e o& re&u'e nd stren't! Ws t!ere someone w!o looked out &or you% w!o

mde you &eel safeH

ed experien(ed se"ere depri"tion in ll t!ree res# =e ws so dm'ed t!t%

s n dult% !e (ould neit!er 'i"e nor re(ei"e ny o& t!e t!ree. nurturn(e%

empt!y% or prote(tion# 9or Eli4)et! nd Dustin% t!e sitution ws more (omplex#

Dustin &elt protecte! )y !is mot!er% nd s!e ws 'ood person to 'o to w!en

!e needed sensi)le% unemotionl d"i(e# And Dustin !d n lmost m'i(l )elie&

t!t !is &mily6s nme nd welt! (ould s!elter !im &rom ll d"ersity# ut Dustin6s

mot!er ws neit!er nurturin' nor empt!i(# =owe"er% !e !d nurturin' nd

empt!i( &t!er w!o !eled some o& t!e dm'e done )y !is mot!er nd (ted to

weken !is li&etrp#

Eli4)et! seemin'ly 'ot lot o& lo"e nd &&e(tion s (!ild# S!e 'enerted

num)er o& im'es o& !er mot!er !u''in' nd kissin' !er# =ere is typi(l memory,

+* m sittin' on my mot!er6s lp# We re t prti6# *6m werin' pretty dress# * &eel

pretty nd spe(il+ As t!e super&i(ility o& t!is im'e su''ests% !er mot!ers lo"e ws

&lse lo"e# *t !ppened only w!en (ompny ws t!ere to witness it At )ottom%Eli4)et! !d depri"tion o& nurturn(e# ut% lite Dustin% s!e did &eel prote(ted s

(!ild, in &(t% s!e pro))ly took too mu(! d"i(e nd 'uidn(e &rom !er mot!er#

=owe"er% Eli4)et! (lerly experien(ed depri"tion o& empt!y# 9or exmple% s!e

'enerted t!is im'e in t!erpyF

. . . . . . . i. . . „ a , < / . . : » - j J j tats oiiis$ itiiie gut. I ieu m$

mother I !on5t li&e that litBe girl. 8ut m$ mother ants me to li&e her, an! she

sa$s to me, "#hat5s nonsense, of course $ou li&e her."

T=E3A2*STF 4oar !o $ou feels

EL*RAET=F Invisi(le.

+=er mot!er did not mirror Eli4)et!6s &eelin's )(k to !er# =er mot!er neit!er

knew nor seemed to (re !ow s!e &elt#

T!e &irst step towrd understndin' your (!ild!ood depri"tion is to (rete

im'es# Go to 7uiet% pri"te pl(e nd llow im'es o& your (!ild!ood to &lot to

t!e top o& your mind# Experien(e t!e memories &ully% wit! ll t!e emotions t!t you

&elt t t!e time# Experien(e t!e im'es% t!en study t!em# Generte im'es &or e(!

prent As wit! Dustin% one prent (n o&&set t!e dm'e done )y t!e ot!er# And

in(lude ll ot!er (lose mem)ers o& your &mily to 'et &ull pi(ture#

+. 2onitor Your @eelings of %eprivation 6o. Fet in #ouch ith Your 6ee!s for

6urturance, Empath$, an! Fui!attce. e(ome more wre o& your &eelin's o&

depri"tion in your (urrent li&e Te(! yoursel& to notice w!en your li&etrp is

tri''ered# *t mi'!t )e time t!t you &eel sli'!ted% lonely% or empty% or t!t no one

understnds !ow you &eel# ;ou mi'!t &eel sd t!t your lo"er is un"il)le% or (old

nd un'i"in'# ;ou mi'!t &eel n'ry t!t you lwys !"e to )e t!e stron' one% t!t

you re lwys t!e one w!o tkes (re o& your prtner% nd it is ne"er t!e ot!er wy

round# Any stron' &eelin' o& depri"tion (n ser"e s (ue t!t your li&etrp is

tri''ered nd t!t you s!ould py ttention to w!t is 'oin' on#

*t is importnt t!t you llow yoursel& to &eel ll t!e emotions t!t 'et tri''ered

lon' wit! your li&etrp# Try not to )lo(k ny &eelin's# Explore t!e w!ole spe(trum

o& emotions% s &ully s you (n#

;ou (n use im'ery6 to (onne(t e"en &urt!er wit! your &eelin's# W!en some e"ent

in your (urrent li&e pro"okes stron' &eelin's o& depri"tion% reli"e t!e e xperien(e

'in t!rou'! im'ery# Allow ll your &eelin's to emer'e# Get in tou(! wit! your

needs &or nurturn(e% empt!y% nd prote(tion# T!en (onne(t t!e im'e to n im'e

in t!e pst w!en you were (!ild nd &elt t!e sme wy# *& you repetedly lternte

)etween t!e present nd t!e pst in t!is mnner% you will )e )le to deepen your

wreness o& t!e wys you reen(t your (!ild!ood depri"tion in your (urrentreltions!ips#

Dustin did t!is im'ery exer(ise in t!erpy session wit! us# =e ws

des(ri)in' n in(ident wit! C!ristine t!t !d upset !im 'retly# T!ey !d

vibbebb")rb1+b1 pT bl)b+1bs?? f +tbaab,<̂*r̂—■ i Ta 3 b # , 1 8 T b # % # 5 *



LTLtoi us", j see hristine. She5s there in the mi!!le of the image, !resse! in hiteA li&e she as in that magaine a!. She loo&s froen an! perfect. She5s

surroun!e! ($ glass.

T=E3A2*STF 0here are $ouH

D<ST*NF I5m outsi!e the glass. I5m tr$ing to teU her something, (utshecan5t (ear

me through the glass. I can5t get her to loo& at me. I5m aving m$ arms an!

I5m $elling, (ut she can5t hear me through the glass.

T=E3A2*STF #ell me hat $ou5re feeling.

D<ST*KF I5m alone.

We t!en sked Dustin to 'et n im'e o& w!en !e &elt t!is wy )e&ore% s (!ild#

T!e memory t!t (me ws o& !is mot!erF +* see !er sittin' on t!e (ou(! redin'%

nd *6m wlkin' on t!e ot!er side o& t!e room "ery 7uietly )e(use * know s!e6d )e

nnoyed i& * distur)ed !er w!iie s!e ws redin' !er )ook#+

J. Revie Your Dast Relationships. larif$ the Datterns #hat :eep Repeating. List

the Ditfalls to 7voi! from 6o m. Mke list o& t!e most importnt reltions!ips

in your li&e# ;ou my wnt to &o(us on romnti( reltions!ips% or you my wnt to

&o(us on &mily or (lose &riends# T!ink )out w!t went wron' wit! e(!

reltions!ip# Ws t!e person un)le or unwillin' to meet your needs Did you dri"e

!imV!er wy wit! your in(essnt demnds% w!i(!% w!en &illed% ne"er mde di&&eren(e nywy Did you 'row )ored wit! someone w!o ws tretin' you well

Were you in &(t 'ettin' more &rom t!e reltions!ip t!n you (knowled'ed t t!e

time

*t ws in mkin' t!is list t!t Dustin6s pttern )e(me 'lrin'ly o)"ious to !im# =e

(lerly sw t!t% wit! e(! womn t!t !e !d )een ttr(ted to% t!ere were (lues

from the (eginning t!t s!e ws emotionlly un"il)le in some importnt wy# O&

(ourse% in e(! (se% !e !d i'nored t!ese erly wrnin' si'ns# *t ws pin&ul &or

!im to re(o'ni4e in t!erpy t!t !is most power&ul lo"e reltions!ips !d )een

doomed &rom t!e strt T!e pttern t!t emer'ed &rom t!e list Eli4)et! mde ws

t!t s!e '"e lot to e(! person% )ut 'ot little in return# And &or $ed% it ws t!t !e

!d )een disstis&ied wit! e"ery womn% re'rdless o& w!t s!e '"e !im# *n !is

(!r(te risti( =WinUr wy% rbid% 61&p $lt o& "VX""X+X

K.G5 UI T I% ^.n. i ui'inuj 2IO venerate iisgn Uiemisir$. T!is is t!t simple rule t!t is so

!rd to &ollow# %o not get involve! ith !epriving partners. T!e rule is so !rd to

&ollow )e(use t!ese re precisel$ t!e prtners w!o ttr(t you t!e most We o&ten

'i"e ptients t!is rule8o&8t!um)F *& you meet someone &or w!om you &eel !i'!

de'ree o& (!emistry% rte !ow mu(! (!emistry on I to 1I s(le# L& you rte t!e

person or .C, t!en thin& tice a(out (ecoming involve! ith tins person.

O((sionlly% su(! reltions!ips work (ut% &ter 'ret del o& turmoil# ut% more

o&ten% t!e stron' (!emistry you &eel will )e )sed on li&etrps t!t t!ey tri''er in

you% rt!er t!n positi"e 7ulities t!t will mke t!e reltions!ip lst

We re not syin' t!t you !"e to settle &or spendin' t!e rest o& your Me wit!

prtner w!o only 'enertes response o& I8 in you# We &eel t!t t!ere !s to )e

some (!emistry &or t!e reltions!ip to work ut% i& t!ere is onl$ romnti( ( !emistry%

it lmost (ertinly will not work in t!e lon' run# T!ere re plenty o& 5s% #s, nd 6s

out t!ere# One o& t!em mi'!t )rin' you t!e deep &ul&illment o& n intimte% lo"in'

reltions!ip% per!ps &or t!e &irst time in your li&e#

=. 0hen You @in! a Dartner 0ho is Emotionall$ Fenerous, Five the Relationship a

hance to 0or&. 7s& for 0hat You 0ant. Share Your >ulnera(ilit$ ith Your

Dartner. W!en you 'et into !elt!y reltions!ip% 'i"e it (!n(e# Mny times

people wit! t!is li&etrp &eel )ored nd disstis&ied in !elt!y reltions!ips% nd t!ey

wnt to wlk wy# Do not wlk wy so &st% e"en i& t!e reltions!ip seems

unex(itin'# My)e you ust need to 'et used to t!e strn'e senstion o& !"in' your

emotionl needs met#

A&ter t!e &is(o wit! C!ristine% Dustin )e(me in"ol"ed wit! womn nmed

Mi(!elle% w!o ws wrm nd (rin'# Dustin wsver$ ttr(ted to

6 !er t &irst% )ut t!is (!n'ed# As t!ey 'ot deeper into t!e reltions!ip% t!e (!emistry

!e &elt &or !er &ded# =e )e'n (omin' to sessions syin' !e ws )ored wit!

Mi(!elle% t!t !e ws not ttr(ted to !er nymore% nd t!t my)e t!e reltions!ip

ws )i' mistke# =owe"er% we were still !ope&ul# Good t!in's were !ppenin'

)etween t!em t t!e sme time# Dustin ws llowin' Mi(!elle to (re &or !im#



Despite Dustin6s &eelin's t!t !e mi'!t wnt to end t!e reltions!ip% we t!ou'!t it

ws possi)le t!t it still mi'!t work out#

T!ere were mny 'ood si'ns )out Dustin6s reltions!ip wit! Mi(!elle t!tkept us !ope&ul# 9irst o& ll% !e ws once ttr(ted to !er# We do not )elie"e t!t you

(n (rete (!emistry w!en t!ere ws ne"er ny t!ere# ut% i& t!ere is t lest

moderte de'ree o& (!emistry t t!e strt% it is wort! n ttempt to re(pture it i& it

&des# *t is wort! tryin' to ddress your pro)lems in t!e reltions!ip in t!e !ope t!t

you (n 'et some o& t!e (!emistry )(k# *t my )e more mtter o& llowin'

yoursel& to (onne(t wit! t!e person% o& your mkin' yoursel& "ulner)le nd skin'

&or w!t you wnt

As we tlked in our sessions% Dustin reli4ed t!t most o& t!e time% in &(t% !e

ws not relly )ored wit! Mi(!elle )ut irritted# =e ws n'ry t!t s!e ws not

'i"in' !im w!t !e needed# O& (ourse% Dustin ws not telling Mi(!elle w!t !e

needed# T!is is (ommon pttern wit! Emotionl Depri"tion# ;ou keep w!t you

wnt se(ret% t!en 'et n'ry w!en you do not 'et it# Keepin' your needs se(ret is

wy o& surrenderin' to your li&etrp# ;ou mke sure t!t e"en t!ou'! your prtner is

wrm person% your needs still will not 'et met# *& you re wit! lo"in' prtner% tell

t!e person w!t you need% Allow your prtner to tke (re o& you% prote(t you% nd

understnd you#

We reli4e t!t t!is (n )e &ri'!tenin'# *t mens mkin' yoursel&vulnera(le to

your prtner# ;ou !"e )e(ome "ery in"ested in doin' t!e opposite% keepin' yoursel&

in"ulner)le to prote(t yoursel& &rom disppointment As (!ild you !d 'ood

reson &or t!is# ;ou !"e pro))ly !d 'ood reson to keep up t!is wll in mnyreltions!ips sin(e (!ild!ood# ut sk yoursel&% +T!is time% is it di&&erent Cn *

trust t!is person+ *& t!e nswer is +yes%+ per!ps you s!ould tke (!n(e#

N. Stop 8laming Your Dartner an! %eman!ing #hat Your 6ee!s 8e 2et. As Dustin

sidF +My n'er )uilds% * 'et to t!e point t!t aS * &eel is resentment% nd ll *6m

doin' is tellin' Mi(!elle o&&#+ Do net !r)or resentment Express your needs dire(tly

to your prtner# W!en you re n'ry% tell your prtner !ow you &eel# Do it (lmly%

wit!out )lme elow t!e n'er is &eelin' o& !urt% o& "ulner)ility# S!re t!t wit!

your prtner# *& you s!ow only t!e n'ry% demndin' sur&(e% you will dri"e your

prtner wy nd mke it less likely t!t !e or s!e (n meet your needs# e(omin'

n'ry nd demndin' is sel&8de&etin'# *t rrely works# ;ou lmost never end up

&eelin' )etter.t!in's ust 'et worse nd worse#

Mu(! o& w!t we re syin' (omes down to (ommuni(tion# *& you wnt

reltions!ip to work% you !"e to )e willin' to (ommuni(te your t!ou'!ts nd

&eelin's to your prtner# ;ou !"e to s!re yoursel&# ;ou !"e to (onne(t

T=E O<TLOOK 9OE C=ANGE

*t is not esy to (!n'e# As we !"e sid )e&ore% it is in your !nds# To lr'e

extent% !ow mu(! you (!n'e is &un(tion o& !ow !rd you work nd persist ;our

Emotionl Depri"tion li&etrp will not &ll wy suddenly# *t is mtter o& slowly

(!ippin' wy t t!e li&etrp.o& (ounterin' t!e li&etrp e(! time it is tri''ered#

;ou must t!row your w!ole )ein' 'inst t!e li&etrp.your t!ou'!ts% &eelin's% nd

)e!"ior#

*t is sd t!t t!e more you were dm'ed s (!ild% t!e !rder you will !"e to

work# T!is is one more un&irness in t!e strin' o& un&irnesses 'inst you# *& you

were seriously dm'ed s (!ild% you my need pro&essionl !elp# T!e lst (!pter

in t!is )ook tells you !ow to )e'in to &ind t!e !elp you need#

*t took lon' time &or $ed to )e'in to (!n'e in t!erpy# =e !d 'ret del o&

di&n(ulty mkin' !imsel& vulnera(le to t!e people in !is li&e nd to us# =is stn(e

!d lwys )een t!t !e would rt!er lose e"eryt!in' t!n tke t!t risk# T!e rmor

t!t8prote(ted !im )est in (!ild!ood s n dult !d )e(ome !is enemy% selin' !im

o&& &rom (onne(tion nd intim(y#

$ed (ould esily ((ess !is n'er )out !is pst% )ut it ws "ery di&&i(ult &or

!im to &eel t!e pin# =e &elt n'er rt!er t!n pin% nd n'er ws w!t !e

expressed# $ed ne"er sw !imsel& s responsi)le &or creating reltions!ips# =e

lwys &o(used on !ow t!e ot!er person ws disppointin' 2m, !ow t!e ot!er

person ws lettin' !im down#

At &irst t!is ws t!e t!eme o& t!erpy# We dis(ussed !ow we were lettin' !imdown% we were not !elpin' !im% !ow t!ere must )e ot!er kinds o& t!erpy t!t re

)etter# ut somet!in' kept !im in t!erpy# At some le"el !e knew t!t% i& !e le&t% !e

would ust mo"e on to not!er empty% s!ort8li"ed reltions!ip# =e strted to express

t!e pin o& !is loneliness#



J 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L $ 9 E

$EDF V as having a cup of coffee in a si!eal& cafe, an! this couple al&e! ($.

#he man ha! his arm aroun! the oman an! as loo&ing at her. It5s har! to

!escri(e, (ut aS of a su!!en I remem(ere! a time m$ mother pic&e! me up

an! hugge! me, an! I felt li&e cr$ing.

$ed )e'n to s!re !is "ulner)ility nd pin wit! ot!ers# 3e(ently% &or die &irst time

!e pssed t!e six8mont! mrk in romnti( reltions!ip# =e is en''ed to mrry

womn nmed Ni(ole#

Eli4)et! le&t !er !us)nd $os! in t!e (ourse o& our t!erpy# Alt!ou'! we did

not ttempt to swy !er de(ision% we supported !er in t!is# We )elie"e person

s!ould le"e !opelessly unstis&yin' reltions!ip# Eli4)et! tried "ery !rd &or

lon' time to impro"e t!e reltions!ip wit! $os!% )ut to no "il# *& s!e styed% s!e

would pro))ly !"e remined &rustrted nd disstis&ied &or t!e rest o& !er li&e

$os! did not lo"e !er enou'! to (!n'e#

On(e di"or(ed% Eli4)et! immeditely repeted t!e pttern twi(e more% wit!

two ot!er (old% un'i"in' men# +*ts lmost s t!ou'! * !d to li"e t!e pttern 'in

in order to re(o'ni4e it%+ s!e sid# S!e still &inds !ersel& ttr(ted to nr(issisti( men

)ut now s!e resists t!em# 3e(ently Eli4)et! !s )e(ome in"ol"ed wit! Mrk# *t is

t!e &irst time in reltions!ip wit! mn t!t s!e not only 'i"es lo"e% )ut 'ets lo"e

in return# As s!e sysF 61 let Mrk tke (re o& me# * 'uess it seems &unny t!t *

would !"e to lern !ow to ta&e, )ut t!& s ex(tly w!t5s !ppenin'# 9m lernin'

!ow to tke+

Dustin styed wit! Mi(!elle% T!ey 'ot mrried nd !"e (!ild# =e des(ri)ed

!is li&e in one o& our lst sessionsF

D<ST*NF I still have times hen I feel !iscontent, 4&e if isn5t enough. 8ut more of

the time I feel connecte! It5s 4&e I loo& up, an! 2ichelle an! the (a($ are

there, an! I su!!enl$ remem(er thai I5m not alone an$more.



"1 DON' T FIT IN" THE SOCIAL

EXCLUSION LIFETRAP

DE3AF TWENT;89L@E ;EA3S OLD# S=E 9EELS AN>*O<S AND *N9E3*O3 * N SOC*AL

S*T<AT*ONS#

*n our &irst session% De)r tells us t!t s!e is un!ppy wit! !er so(il li&e# E"er

sin(e (olle'e ended% s!e !s !d trou)le meetin' people#

DE3AF V haven5t ha! a !ate in seven months. I haven5t realt$ met an$(o!$

ho ants to !ate me. T=E3A2*STF 0here !o $ou usuall$ meet peopleH

DE3AF #hat5s part of the pro(lem, reaS$ hate going to a lot of the places

to meet people. I5m realt$ sh$. I can5t tal& to people, I !on5t e?pect them

to 4&e me.

*t surprises us t!t De)r &eels t!is wy% )e(use we &ind !er "ery person)le# On(e

'in we re reminded t!t person is not ne(essrily t!e sme wit! us s t!ey re

in so(il situtions# 2eople (n )e iri&initely more s!y nd wkwrd in 'roup#

As we explore &urt!er% it turns out t!t De)r "oids most so(il situtions,

6T!ey mke me too nxious#+ W!en s!e is so nxious% s!e +(n6t t!ink o& w!t to

sy+ nd sys +stupid t!in's%+ S!e (onsiders !ersel& unttr(ti"e nd does not

expe(t men to )e sexully ttr(ted to !er# /On(e 'in we re surprised% )e(use

De)r is 7uite pretty#0

J B



1 I 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

Wit! ters sprin'in' to !er eyes% De)r tells us t!t sometimes s!e &eels +like

&ilure in dult so(ili4in'#+

ADAMF T=*3T;89E@E ;EA3S OLD# = E =AS 23OLEMS W*T= * + 2 G 2 2rr H

.. . --------------------̂u iiiaiUJeOlH io sy 'tl;)

is wron'% )ut !is pro)lem% too% is loneliness#

Adm &eels !ifferent &rom ot!er people# +* don6t seem to &it in nyw!ere%+ !e

tells me# =e !s &ew (lose &riends !e sees o((sionlly% )ut less &re7uently

t!rou'! t!e yers#

ADAMF 3 am afrai! I am going to en! up entirel$ alone. I !on5t reall$ fit in teith

the people at mar&, an! m$ personal Ufe is getting sparser an! sparser. I 1ust

!on5t feel li&e I )elon' an$liere. I5m ala$s on the outsi!e, loo&ing in.

Adm is )le to (onne(t on n intimte le"el# *n t!e pst !e !s !d intimte

reltions!ips wit! lo"ers nd &riends# =owe"er% !e !s stopped meetin' people% nd%

side &rom work% is not tt(!ed to ny or'ni4tion# Like De)r% !e "oids most

so(il nd 'roup situtions#

T=E SOC*AL E>CL<S*ON <EST*ONNA*3E

T!is 7uestionnire will mesure your So(il Ex(lusion li&etrp# Answer t!e

7uestions usin' t!e &ollowin' s(leF

SCO3*NG K E;


? Mosdy untrue o& me

Sli'!tly more true t!n untrue o& meB Modertely true o& me

Mostly true o& me


*& you !"e ny s or 6s on t!is 7uestionnire% t!is li&etrp my still pply to

you% e"en i& your s(ore is in t!e low rn'e#S*&$E DESC3*2T*ON#

1# * &eel "ery sel&8(ons(ious in so(il situtions#

ivtiy iuuiis, pu&iiiiiii% welt!% sttus% edu(tion% (reer0#

49 * would rt!er "oid t!n ttend most so(il &un(tions#

# * &eel unttr(ti"e.too &t% t!in% tll% s!ort% u'ly% et(#

B9 * &eel &undmentlly di&&erent &rom ot!er people

I9 * do not )elon' nyw!ere * m loner#

% * lwys &eel on t!e outside o& 'roups#

J# My &mily ws di&&erent &rom t!e &milies round us#

1I# 1 &eel dis(onne(ted &rom t!e (ommunity t lr'e#

;O<3 TOTAL SOC*AL E>CL<S*ON SCO3E/Add your s(ores to'et!er &or 7uestions181I0

1I81J ?I8

?J I8J

4C8BJ I8

I

* NTE323ET*NG ;O<3 SOC*AL E>CL<S*ON SCO3E

@ery low# T!is li&etrp pro))ly does not pply to you# 9irly

low# T!is li&etrp my only pplyoccasionall$.Moderte#

T!is li&etrp is n issue in your li&e# =i'!# T!is is de&initely

n important li&etrp &or you# @ery !i'!# T!is is de&initely

one o& your core li&etrps#

T=E E>2E3*ENCE O9 SOC*AL E>CL<S*ON

T!e primry &eelin' is loneliness% ;ou &eel ex(luded% &rom t!e rest o& t!e world

)e(use you &eel eit!er un!esira(le or !ifferent. T!ese re t!e two types o& so(il

ex(lusion# O& (ourse% t!ey o&ten (ome mixed to'et!er% nd you my well !"e )ot!#

De)r is t!e &irst type# S!e &eels in&erior in so(il situtions% nd (onse7uentlyexperien(es 'ret del o& so(ilan?iet$.

DE3AF V as invite! to a part$ last Satur!a$ night, an! I !rea!e! it all ee&.

0hat is it ith meH Other people loo& forar! to a part$, (at all ee& Icot!!n

5tget it off m$ min!, I coul!n5t rela?. teas ala$s on the verge of tears.

T=E3A2*STF 0hat ere $ou imagining oul! happenH



DE3AF Oh, $ou &no, I oul! get there an! (e so nervous, an! not &no hat to

sa$. I oul! act 4&e a erk# 7n! ever$one oul! seem (etter than me, (etter

loo&ing or smarter or more successful, an! I5! have nothing to offer.

7n! $ou &no, that5s e?actl$ hat happene!. #he part$ as 4&e a

nightmare. I coul!n5t ait to leave, an! hen I got home, I crie! an! crie!.

De)r &eels ex(luded )e(use o& sur&(e 7ulities# Somet!in' )out t!e wy s!e

presents !ersel& does not &eel 'ood enou'!# =owe"er% De)r does not !"e t!e

De&e(ti"eness li&etrp# On(e s!e )reks t!rou'!% meets people% nd )e'ins to 'et

(lose% s!e is &ine# S!e is (om&ort)le in mtimte reltions!ips% nd lt!ou'! s!e !s

no )oy&riend s!e !s mny (lose &riends# De)r6s &riends!ips o&&er !er some relie&

&rom !er &eelin's o& in&eriority nd loneliness# So(il Ex(lusion is )outoutar!,

or externl% 7ulities, De&e(ti"eness is )outinner, or internl% 7ulities#

*t my )e t!t you !"e )ot! So(il Ex(lusion nd De&e(ti"eness% wit!De&e(ti"eness t!e more (ore li&etrp# *& t!is is so% t!in's re more di&&i(ult &or you#

;ou my !"e no (onne(tions t ll# 3i'!t down t!e line% you re lone# As di&&i(ult

s So(il Ex(lusion is% So(il Ex(lusion plus De&e(ti"eness is mu(! worse#

*n (ir(ulr wy% prime (!r(teristi( t!t mkes De)r &eel in&erior is !er

nxiety itsel&#

DE3AF V &no hen I al& in that I5m going to (e an?ious. It5s em(arrass'ing to

(e so an?ious. I5m uncomforta(le, an! I ma&e other people feel

uncomforta(le. 7s soon as I get in, I &no I5m going to scre up someho. @u

sa$ the rong thing or !o the rong thing. I 1ust ant to cral into a hole.

De)r (onstntly (ompres !ersel& to ot!er people# T!is one is )etter lookin'% t!t

one is smrter nd more interestin'# One lr'e &o(us o& !er nxiety is !er in)ility

to (rry on (on"erstion S!e wnts to respond ppropritely.to spek &reely%

smile% lu'!% nd sk 7uestions# ut s!e is too in!i)ited to do so#

DE3AF It5s so frustrating, (ecause as soon as I &no the person, I can carr$ on

normal conversations. 8ut hen I meet a stranger, I can5t !o it. freee up.

T=E3A2*STF It5s almost h&e stage fright.

T!is kind o& per&ormn(e nxiety is &undmentl prt o& your experien(e ;ou &er

)ein' s(rutini4ed% e"luted% ud'ed ne'ti"ely# ;ou re o)sessed wit! w!t ot!er

people t!ink o& you# Dependin' upon w!ere your sensiti"ity lies.your looks%

(reer% sttus% intelli'en(e% or (on"erstionl )ility. you &er )ein' exposed s

inde7ute#

De)r6s nxiety mkes !er so(illy wkwrd# Alt!ou'! s!e !s 'ood so(il

skills w!en s!e is (om&ort)le% in most so(il situtions s!e is too ner"ous to use

t!em# S!e loses !er poise S!e )e(omes s!y nd wit!drwn# *t is not t!t s!e &eels

prti(ulrly di&&erent &rom ot!er people# *t is t!t s!e &eels so(illy inept#

*n (ontrst% Adm6s pro)lems re not relted to so(il skills# *n &(t% !e (n

!"e "ery 'ood so(il skills# Adm &eels &undmentlly di&&erent &rom ot!er people#

=is primry &eelin' is one o& det(!ment# =e (omes (ross s loo& rt!er t!n

nxious# =e !s n ur o& )ein' +untou(!)le#+

ADAMF It5s 4&e I5m alone even hen I5m in a cro!. In fact, I feel most

alone hen I5m in a cro!. T=E3A2*STF Your

loneliness (ecomes more glaring.

Adm experien(es !is li&e s t!ou'! !e were wlkin' t!rou'! (rowd o& strn'ers#

T!ere is no pl(e w!ere !e )elon's#

9or most people t!is &eelin' o& )ein' di&&erent is pin&ul Alt!ou'! some see

t!emsel"es s )etter% or &eel 'ood )out )ein' di&&erent% most see it s sour(e o&

un!ppiness# Most o& us wnt to &it in% nd we &eel pin% !urt% nd loneliness w!en

we do not#

<nlike De)r% w!o &eels re1ecte! in so(il situtions% Adm &eels kind o&

not!in'ness% dis(onne(tion# 9or !im% so(il situtions tri''er &eelin' o&

isolation.

T=E3A2*STF So if $ou !i!n5t reall$ tal& to people at the part$, hat !i! $ou !oH

ADAM8 I 1ust ent off into m$ on Utile orl!,

Adm is not n'ry t t!e world &or ree(tin' !im 3t!er% !e ust &eels like n

outsider# =e is di&&erent# =e does not &it in#

So(il ex(lusion !s mny &(es# ;ou my )e t!e person e"eryone teses or

)ullies# Or you my )e t!e one w!o is n outsider.t!e loner or so(il out(st# ;ou

sty on t!e sidelines% not 7uite mem)er o& ny (lu) or 'roup# Or you my )e

someone w!ose li&etrp is lr'ely in"isi)le# *t is !rd to spot# ;ou 'o t!rou'! t!e

motions o& so(il inter(!n'e% )ut inside you &eel lone

W!te"er your type% you re pro))ly prone to w!ole rn'e o&

psy(!osomti( symptoms# *xirbliness is o&ten linked to !ert nd stom(!

pro)lems% sleep pro)lems% !ed(!es% nd depression#

T!ese re some o& t!e resons you my !"e &elt undesir)le or di&&erent s

(!ildF

T=E O3*G*NS O9 SOC*AL E>CL<S*ON



1# ;ou &elt in&erior to ot!er (!ildren% )e(use o& some o)ser")le

7ulity /e#'#% looks% !ei'!t% smrterin'0# ;ou were tesed% ree(ted% or

!umilited )y ot!er (!ildren#

?# ;our &mily ws di&&erent &rom nei'!)ors nd people round you%

# ;ou &elt di&&erent &rom ot!er (!ildren% e"en wit!in your own &mily#

B# ;ou were pssi"e s (!ild, you did w!t ws expe(ted% )ut you

ne"er de"eloped stron' interests or pre&eren(es o& your own# Now you

&eel you !"e not!in' to o&&er in (on"erstion

One ori'in is 'rowin' up in &mily t!t is di&&erent &rom ot!er people# ;our &mily

my !"e )een di&&erent in mny wys.r(e% et!ni( )(k'round% reli'ion% so(il

sttus% edu(tionl le"el% mteril possessions# 2er!ps your &mily6s dily !)its

were di&&erent% t!eir mnners nd (ustoms# Or per!ps t!ere ws ln'u'e )rrier#Or t!ere my !"e )een mentl illness in your &mily% su(! s l(o!olism or

s(!i4op!reni# ;our &mily my !"e mo"ed &rom pl(e to pl(e% ne"er styin'

lon' enou'! to &orm toots% su(! s wit! militry +)rts +

Anot!er ori'in my !"e )een somet!in' )out $ou t!t my !"e set you

prt% so t!t you &elt di&&erent e"en &rom t!e (!ildren in your own &mily# Gi&ted

(!ildren sometimes experien(e t!is# T!eir interests re di&&erent &rom ot!er (!ildren

t!eir 'e T!ey enoy redin' or listenin' to musi( more t!n plyin' wit! ot!er

(!ildren# ;ou lso my !"e !d interests t!t were typi(l &or your 'ender% su(!

s )oy w!o likes to ply wit! dolls% or 'irl w!o likes rou'!er% )oy 'mes# ;our

sexul identity my !"e isolted you.'y men nd women o&ten !"e t!e So(il

Ex(lusion li&etrp# ;our personlity my !"e )een di&&erent.s!y% emotionl%

introspe(ti"e% intelle(tul% or in!i)ited# Or you my !"e de"eloped &ster or slower

t!n ot!er (!ildren% p!ysi(lly% sexully% or in your le"el o& independen(e%

intelli'en(e% or so(il skills#

Somet!in' )out you my !"e (used you to &eel in&erior to ot!er (!ildren#

;ou my !"e )een tesed or !umilited# 2tients !"e told us mny resons t!ey

)e(me t!e tr'ets o& su(! tt(ksF

SO<3CES O9 C=*LD=OOD AND ADOLESCENT < NOES*3A*L*T@ Dh$sical 9t% t!in% s!ort% tll% wek% u'ly% (ne% p!ysi(l !ndi(p% smll )rests% )i'

)rests% lte pu)erty% poor t sports% un(oordinted% not sexy#

Me!#$

Slow t s(!ool% lernin' dis)ilities% )ookworm% smtterin'% emotionl

pro)lems#

Social

Awkwrd% so(illy inpproprite% immture% un)le to (rry on

(on"erstions% weird% dull% un(ooL

As result o& pperin' di&&erent or undesir)le% ot!er (!ildren ex(luded you &rom

t!eir 'roups# T!ey would not ply wit! you# T!ey tesed nd !umilited you# ;ou

wit!drew into t!e )(k'round to "oid )ein' tesed# W!ene"er you went into

so(il sitution% you &elt sel&8(ons(ious# ;ou



T=E SOC*AL E>CL<S*ON L*9ET3A2 1 H

stopped tryin' to mke &riends in order to "oid ree(tion# ;ou my !"e sso(ited

wit! ot!er (!ildren w!o were di&&erent% )ut lon'ed to )e prt o& t!e in 'roup# ;ou

)e(me in(resin'ly lonely nd isolted# ;ou de"eloped solitry interests% su(! s

redin' or (omputer 'mes# ;ou my !"e de"eloped expertise in non8so(il rens

to (ompenste &or your &eelin's o& in&eriority#

Any nd ll o& t!ese t!in's my !"e !ppened to you# Most o& t!em

!ppened to De)r#

DE3AF V as fat as a chil!. I as !isgusting. In the pla$groun! other &i!s ma!e

fun of me. #he$ oul! chase me an! tr$ to get me to faU !on. 0hen I got

ol!er, none of the (o$s ante! to go out ith me. It asn5t tiU I lost eight

(efore college that I ha! m$ first !ate.

De)r6s so(il ex(lusion in"ol"ed lot o& s!me# =er s!me )out !er wei'!t kept

!er &rom wntin' to )e ner ot!er (!ildren# S!e &elt t!t s s(on s t!ey sw t!t

s!me&ul prt o& !er% t!ey would ex(lude !er#

To (ompenste &or !er l(k o& so(il su((ess% De)r ex(elled t s(!ool *n &(t%

s!e de"eloped <nrelentin' Stndrds in re'rd to !er s(!ool per&ormn(e# *t is

&irly (ommon &or (!ildren w!o &eel so(illy undesir)le to de"elop <nrelentin'

Stndrds s (ompenstion# 2rt o& De)r6s pro)lem is t!t s!e !s su(! !i'!

stndrds &or !ow s!e must (ome (ross in so(il sitution.!ow poised% !ow

intelli'ent !ow ttr(ti"e.t!t s!e &eels t!t nyt!in' less is 'oin' to )e

un((ept)le to ot!er people# S!e nti(iptes (riti(ism# T!is is one reson s!e &eels

so nxious#

As we noted )o"e% you my !"e de"eloped So(il Ex(lusion s prt o&

more (ore De&e(ti"eness li&etrp# ;ou !d su(! 'lo)l sense o& )ein' unlo")le in

your own &mily t!t it nturlly trns&erred to your so(il li&e# ;ou were

un(om&ort)le in intimte situtions nd so(il situtions# Now% w!ene"er you

inter(t wit! not!er person% you expe(t your personl un(oept)ility to )e(ome

n issue% nd you eit!er &eel nxious or "oid t!e sitution# ;ou do not expe(t to )e

lo"ed or "lued# ;our li&etrp is prt o& more &undmentl sense o& )ein'

de&e(ti"e#

Adm 'rew up in n l(o!oli( !ouse!old# ot! prents drnk# =e ws t!e

oldest son% nd took o"er mn'ement o& t!e !ouse# y t!e 'e o& twel"e !e ws

e&&e(ti"ely &un(tionin' s )ot! &t!er nd mot!er to !is &our youn'er )rot!ers nd

sisters#

ADAMF 2$ home Sfe ma!e m$ life at school seem unreal. Other &i!s oul! (e

orr$ing a(out hat to ear to a part$, or ma&ing some team, or ho to as&

to the prom, an! I5! (e orr$ing a(out pa$ing the monthl$ (ills an! &eeping

us off the street.

Alt!ou'! Adm (red norml t s(!ool% !e &elt &r &rom norml inside. "1&elt like

not!er spe(ies o& li&e entirely#+ =e ne"er &elt !e (ould )rin' &riends to !is !ouse%

nd )e(me "ery nxious w!ene"er &riend !d (ont(t wit! eit!er o& !is prents#

=e tried to keep !is s(!ool nd !ome li"es seprte =is &mily ws like se(ret !e

kept &rom t!e ot!er (!ildren#

T!rou'!out Adm6s (!ild!ood% t!e &inn(il sttus o& t!e &mily pro'ressi"ely

de(lined# T!is mde mtters worse &or Adm# Not only did t!ey mo"e lot% )utt!ey lso li"ed in nei'!)or!oods w!ere t!ey &elt t!ey did not &it in#

6 ADAM, 2$ parents ala$s consi!ere! us a(ove ever$one aroun! us. #he$ acte!

as though e ere reaS$ !ifferentAas though e still (elonge! in a fanc$

house in a fanc$ neigh(orhoo! In fact the$ oul! ma&e it seem She our

neigh(ors ere &in! of (a! to (e aroun! a (a! influence, so Ias encourage!

to (e &in! of !ifferent an! to sta$ aa$ from the other &i!s.

Adm6s prents mde !im relu(tnt to 'et in"ol"ed wit! t!e people round t!em#

Sometimes o"erly (riti(l prents (n &oster so(il ex(lusion We !d one

ptient w!ose prents (onstntly (riti(i4ed !im &or so(il imper&e(tions.t!e wy

!e looked% t!e wy !e tlked% t!e wy !e (rried !imsel&# T!ey led !im to &eel !e

ws so(illy inde7ute# =e )e(me in!i)ited in so(il situtions# =e ws &rid o&

)ein' (riti(i4ed% nd t!ere&ore "oided (onne(tin' wit! ot!er people#

Anot!er ori'in o& So(il Ex(lusion is relted to t!e Dependen(e nd

Su)u'tion li&etrps# An +importnt spe(t o& lernin' to so(ili4e is de"elopin'

sense o& oursel"es s (ti"e nd sel&8dire(tedF we re en(our'ed )y our prents to

de"elop our own uni7ue identity% interests% nd pre&eren(es# We !"e uni7ue

personalit$. T!is personlity pro"ides us wit! t!e ener'y nd ides to (rry on

(on"erstions wit! ot!er peopleSome (!ildren re eit!er pssi"e )y nture or t!eir prents dis(our'e t!e

de"elopment o& t!eir (!ildren6s indi"idulity# W!en your uni7ueness is s7us!ed%

you do w!t is expe(ted )y ot!er people# ;ou tke t!eir led nd )e(ome

(on"entionl &ollower# ut you &il to de"elop ides% interests% or pre&eren(es o&

your own# W!en you re in (on"erstion% you t!en &eel t!t you !"e not!in' to

sy# ;our pssi"ity mkes you &eel s i& you !"e not!in' o& your own to o&&er ot!er



J J 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

people# Crryin' on (on"erstions )e(omes )urden# ;ou re "ery (om&ort)le

listenin'% )ut you (nnot initite topi(# ;ou (nnot ( ontri)ute your own opinions#

;ou do not !"e su''estions )out w!t to do or w!ere to 'o# A&ter w!ile% you

my de(ide to "oid so(ili4in' lto'et!er rt!er t!n )e wit! ot!ers nd !"e

not!in' to (ontri)ute# T!is pttern% like t!e ot!er ori'ins we !"e lredy dis(ussed%

leds you to &eel so(illy nxious nd isolted#

Almost e"eryone !s (ertin de'ree o& t!e So(il Ex(lusion li&etrp# We

!"e (ertin prt o& oursel"es t!t is inse(ure% unsure o& )ein' ((epted# W!o !s

not experien(ed some so(il ree(tion *t is 7uestion o& !ow per"si"e it ws% nd

!ow trumti(# Similrly% t!e erlier t!e so(il ex(lusion strted% t!e more power&ul

t!e li&etrp#

Mny people de"elop t!e li&etrp durin' t!e doles(ent yers# Adoles(en(e is

t!e time w!en peer pressure is t its !ei'!t *t is esynot to &it into peer 'roup#

Mny teen'ers &eel di&&erent% isolted% liented# *n &(t% it is so (ommon% it is

lmost norml# =owe"er% most o& us (ome out o& t!is liention w!en we re(!

(olle'e nd t!ere&ter# We &ind reltions!ip% or 'roup o& &riends w!o re more

like us% or we ust )e(ome less (on(erned )out )ein' prt o& t!e most populr

'roup#

ut% &or some people% t!e sense o& So(il Ex(lusion (ontinues t!rou'! t!e rest

o& t!eir ii"es# T!ese re usully t!e people w!ose li&etrp ori'inted erlier% in

(!ild!ood# As &r )(k s t!e person remem)ers% t!ere ws lwys sense o& )ein'

ex(luded )y peers#

L*9ET3A2S *N WO3K AND LO@E T!ese re t!e wys you

mintin your So(il Ex(lusion li&etrp#

SOC*AL E>CL<S*ON <9ET3A2S

1# ;ou &eel di&&erent or in&erior to t!e people round you# ;ou ex'8

'erte di&&eren(es nd minimi4e similrities# ;ou &eel lonely% e"en

w!en you re wit! people#

?# At work you re on t!e perip!ery# ;ou keep to yoursel&# ;ou do

not 'et promoted or in(luded in proe(ts )e(use you do not &it in#

# ;ou re ner"ous nd sel&8(ons(ious round 'roups o& people# ;ou

(nnot ust relx nd )e yoursel&% ;ou worry )out doin' or syin' t!e

wron' t!in'# ;ou try to pln w!t to sy next#

;ou re "ery un(om&(rt)le tlkin' to strn'ers# ;ou &ee& you !"e

not!in' uni7ue to o&&er ot!er people

B# So(illy% you "oid oinin' 'roups or )ein' prt o& t!e (ommu8

nity# ;ou only spend time wit! your immedite &mily or wit! one or

two (lose &riends#

# ;ou &eel em)rrssed i& people meet your &mily or know lot

)out t!em# ;ou keep se(rets )out your &mily &rom ot!er people#

B9 ;ou pretend to )e like ot!er people ust to &it in# ;ou do not let

most people see t!e un(on"entionl prts o& yoursel&# ;ou !"e

se(ret li&e or &eelin's t!t you )elie"e would led ot!er people to

!umilite you or ree(t you#

H# ;ou put lot o& emp!sis on o"er(omin' your own &mily6s1 de&i(ien(iesF to 'in sttus% !"e mteril possessions% sound !i'!ly

edu(ted% o)s(ure et!ni( di&&eren(es% et(#

# ;ou !"e ne"er ((epted (ertin prts o& your nture )e(use you

)elie"e ot!er people would t!ink less o& you &or t!em /e#'#% you re

s!y% intelle(tul% emotionl% too &eminine% wek% dependent0#

J# ;ou re "ery sel&8(ons(ious )out your p!ysi(l ppern(e# ;ou

feel less ttr(ti"e t!n ot!er people sy you re# ;ou my work

inordintely !rd to )e p!ysi(lly ttr(ti"e% nd re espe(illy

sensiti"e to your p!ysi(l &lws /e#'#% wei'!t% p!ysi7ue% &i'ure% !ei'!t%

(omplexion% &etures0#

1I# ;ou "oid situtions w!ere you mi'!t seem dum)% slow% or wk8

wrd /e#'#% 'oin' to (olle'e% pu)li( spekin'0#

11# ;ou (ompre yoursel& lot to ot!er people w!o !"e t!e !ll8

mrks o& populrity t!t you l(k /e#'% looks% money% t!leti( )ility%

su((ess% (lot!in'0#

1?# ;ou put too mu(! emp!sis oncompensating &or w!t you &eel

re your so(il inde7u(iesF tryin' to pro"e your populrity or so(il

skills% win people o"er% )e prt o& t!e ri'!t so(il 'roup% !"e su((essin your (reer% or rise (!ildren w!o re populr#

;ou my &eel lot o& romnti( (!emistry wit! mny types o& people# ;ou my )e

drwn to people w!o re t!e opposite o& you.w!o !"e t!e outwrd si'ns o&



T=E SOC*AL E>CL<S*ON L*9ET3A2 1 H

)elon'in' t!t you l(k# Dependin' on w!t your prtillr So(il Ex(lusion issues

re% you my pursue prtners w!o re 'ood8lookin'% !i'! sttus% populr or prt o&

t!e in8'roup% (om&ort)le in so(il Situations, or norml nd (on"entionl% *n t!is

wy% you (n &eel s t!ou'! you )elon'#

T!ere re d"nt'es nd disd"nt'es to (!oosin' so(i)le prtner# *t

mi'!t (t s &or(e t!t keeps you so(ili4in'# E"entully you mi'!t lern to &eel

more (om&ort)le nd (onne(ted# On t!e ot!er !nd% t!ere is dn'er t!t you

mi'!t )e(ome ex(essi"ely dependent on su(! prtner to smoot! t!e wy &or youin so(il situtions# ;ou my e"en )e(ome more s!y t!n )e&ore% nd rely totlly on

your prtner to (rry on (on"erstions nd to (ondu(t so(il en(ounters# *n mis wy

sele(tin' su(! prtner (n rein&or(e your "iew o& yoursel& s so(illy in(ompetent

;ou mi'!t lso &eel ttr(ted to ot!er outsiders# ;ou mi'!t &eel spe(il )ond

wit! ot!er so(illy ex(luded people# ;ou (n )olster one not!er in &eelin'

di&&erent#

ADAMF 2$ girlfrien! Sttsan as an outcast also. She as this art$ t$pe ho

ala$s ore (lac& an! painte! these eir! pictures. 0hen ere together,

e ma!e fun of ever$one else. 0e felt sorr$ for ever$one else for (eing so

patheticall$ an! (oringi$ normal.

T!is kind o& prtner (n (om&ort you )out &eelin' di&&erent nd mke you "lue

your uni7ueness more# *nsted o& &eelin' alone nd di&&erent% you (n &eel together

nd di&&erent.t!t you re )ot! )etter t!n people w!o re (on"entionl

2eople w!o &eel di&&erent o&ten )nd to'et!er in 'roups, t!e rty types% t!e

nerds% t!e punks% t!e greasers9 *n unity t!ere is stren't!# A 'roup o& outasts (n

o&ten elevate t!eir sttus nd &eel 7uite superior nd spe(il Cult 'roups disply t!is

p!enomenon# T!e mem)ers (onsider t!emsel"es s !"in' se(ret% w!i(! only

t!ey possess# T!is &(t puts t!em a:ove outsiders# #he$ re now t!e insiders% nd

t!e rest o& t!e world re t!e ones le&t out

=owe"er% some people wit! t!is li&etrp do not e"en &eel prt o& si'ni&i(nt

su)(ulture# ;ou my )e liented &rom ll 'roups#

ADAMF V !on5t fit in an$here. I5m athletic, (ut I5m not a 1oc&. 8ut I5m not an

intellectual either. I5m not a (o&emian, (ut I5m not a $uppie. I5m torn (eteen

ail these orl!s, an! I !on5t reall$ i!entif$ ith an$ of them.

E"en i& you o"er(ome your So(il Ex(lusion in dult!ood% you my t times still

feel undesir)le or di&&erent# T!e old &eelin's persist ;ou m'ni&y t!e di&&eren(es

)etween yoursel& nd ot!ers% mkin' it !rd &or you to (onne(t T!ese di&&eren(es

set up )rrier# As soon s you strt to 'et (lose% you )e(ome !i'!ly sensiti"e to

res o& dissimilrity#

T!e li&etrp (n !"e pro&ound e&&e(t on your (!oi(e o& (reer# ;ou re

pro))ly drwn to (ti"ities t!t do not in"ol"e mu(! meiiin'&ul so(il interply#

*n &(t )e(omin' 'ood t some solitry (ti"ity t!t (n )e lter turned into (reer

is o&ten side8)ene&it o& t!e li&etrp# ;ou mi'!t )e n rtist# ;ou mi'!t )e

s(ientist or &reeln(e writer# ;ou mi'!t )e reporter# ;ou mi'!t (!oose o) t!t

in"ol"es lot o& tr"el% or llows you to work t !ome# Computers is (ommon

&ield &or people wit! t!is li&etrp# ;ou mi'!t e"en strt your own (ompny% so t!t

you (n !"e reltions!ips on your own terms# ;ou do not !"e to worry )outot!er people ((eptin' you# ut t!e lst t!in' you re likely to (!oose is o) in

w!i(! your upwrd mo)ility depends on !"in' to mke (ont(ts nd (onne(tions

wit! ot!er people# ;ou re not t!e (orporte type w!o works your wy up t!e ldder

t!rou'! politi(l expertise#

*& you !o work wit!in (orportion or ot!er or'ni4tion% you pro))ly &eel

in&erior% or t!t you do not &it in# ;ou my )e ex(ellent t your work% )ut your

li&etrp !olds you )(k#

DE3AF V have the &in! of or& here I5m suppose! to (e entertaining clients,

ta&ing them out to !inner an! for coc&tails, (ut I avoi! it It5s reall$ hurting

me. I !on5t &eep m$ clients.

;ou mi'!t e"en present yoursel& s odd% e((entri(% or loo&#

Es(pe is your primry mens &or (opin' wit! your li&etrp# *t is t!e ro(k

upon w!i(! your So(il Ex(lusion is )uilt# ;our "oidn(e o& so(il situtions

ensures t!t not!in' (n (!n'e &or you# ;our skills (nnot impro"e# ;our )elie&s

(nnot )e dis(rn&irmed# ;ou re more (om&ort)le% )ut you re stu(k# C!n'in'

re7uires )si( s!i&t &rom stn(e o& Es(pe to one o& (on&ronttion nd mstery#

T!e people w!o o"er(ome so(il ex(lusion re t!e ones w!o mke t!is s!i&t

On t!e &ollowin' p'e re t!e steps to o"er(omin' so(il ex(lusion#



3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

C=ANG*NG SOC*AL E>CL<S*ON

1# <nderstnd your (!ild!ood so(il ex(lusion# 9eel t!e isolted or

in&erior (!ild inside o& you#

?# List e"erydy so(il situtions in w!i(! you &eel nxious or un8

(om&ort)le#

# List 'roup situtions t!t you avoi!.

i. List wys t!t you ounterattac&, or overcompensats,&or &eelin' di&&erent or

in&erior#

# Drwin' on steps 18B% )o"e% list t!e 7ulities in yoursel& t!t

mke you &eel liented% "ulner)le% or in&erior#

# *& you re (on"in(ed t!t 8 &lw isreal write down steps you

(ould tke to overcome it# 9ollow t!rou'! 'rdully wit! your plns

o& (!n'e

H#3ee"lute t!e importn(e o& &lws t!t you (nnot (!n'e

#Mke &ls!(rd &or e(! &lw#

J#Mke !ierr(!y o& so(il nd work 'roups you !"e )een

"oidin'# Grdully mo"e up t!e !ierr(!y#

1I# W!en you re in 'roups% mke (on(erted e&&ort to initite (on8

"erstions#

11# e yoursel& in 'roups#1?# Stop tryin' so !rd to compensate &or your per(ei"ed res o&

undesir)ility#

. Un!erstan! Your hil!hoo! Social E?clusion. @eel the Isolate! or Inferior

&U! Insi!e of You. T!e &irst t!in' to do is to remem)er# Let t!e memories (ome o&

yoursel& s ( !ild% &eelin' di&&erent or ex(luded )y ot!er (!ildren# W!en you !"e

some time lone% drken t!e room nd sit )(k in (om&ort)le pl(e# 3emem)er

not to &or(e t!e im'es# $ust (lose your eyes nd let t!em (ome# 3emem)er w!en

you &elt di&&erent or in&erior# ;ou (n strt wit! n im'e o& current sitution t!t

tri''ers &eelin's o& So(il Ex(lusion#

O&ten t!e memories t!t (ome re o& )ein' lu'!ed t !umilited% tesed% or

)ullied% or o& )ein' lone% prt &rom t!e ot!ers% not &ittin' in =ere is n illustrtion

o& De)r6s im'ery# *n one session s!e ws tellin' us )out not!er miser)le prty#

We sked !er to (lose !er eyes nd 'et n im'e o& it#

DE3AF I5m stan!ing ne?t to this gu$, ho5s tal&ing to me. I5m so relieve! that

someone is tal&ing to me, that I !on5t have to stan! there alone, (ut I5m so

nervous I can5t tal& to the gu$. I5m tal&ing reall$ fast, an! I &no m$ e$es loo&

reall$ an?ious. I 1ust feel reaS$ pressure!. 4e starts to loo& uncomforta(le,

an! then he finishes the conversation an! al&s aa$. I left right after that. I haven5t gone to a part$ since. T=E3A2*STF Sta$ ith

it, an! let an image come of hen $ou felt the same a$ as a chil!

DE3AF O&a$. I5m at m$ frien! Fina5s house. #here are a (unch of &i!s there. 0e

5re pic&ing si!es for a game of &tc&(aS, an! no one is pic&ing me. I5m the last

&i! to (e pic&e!, an!, hen the team gets me, the$ all .. start to groan.

Adm6s im'es &o(used more on )ein' on t!e outside o& 'roups# One session !e

told us )out (mpin' trip !e took s (!ild# T!ey swm in wter&ll#

ADAMF #here ere a(out <ive of us simming right near the falls. 7t one Doint I

!ove into the falls an! stoo! there, letting them fall right on top of me. I coul!

see the other &i!s sort of (lurr$, an! I coul! hear them muffle! through the

roar of the falls 7ll of a su!!en Ifelt so alone. I ha! the thought that it as

ala$s h&e this, ith ever$one coming at me from far aa$. 7n! I5m

atching, 4&e through a in!o. Ever$one else is out there pla$ing an!

(eing normal ith each other, an! I5m outsi!e loo&ing in.

Memories o& so(il ex(lusion re pin&uL We wnt you to (om&ort t!t ex(luded

(!ild# *m'ine yoursel& s n dult% (om&ortin' t!e (!ild you were# So(il

ex(lusion is (old% lonely &eelin'# Do not le"e your inner (!ild in t!t (old pl(ee&ore you le"e t!e im'e% )rin' yoursel& in s n dult% nd 'i"e support to your

inner (!ild#

ADAMF V (ring m$self in, an! I !ive into the falls lre m$ chil!hoo! self is

stan!ing, an! I tell him that he is not alone an$more. am here, an! I ill

&elp him connect ith other people.

1 I 1



3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

+. List Ever$!a$ Social Situations in 0hich You @eel 7n?ious or Uncomforta(le.Write down t!e situtions t!t mke you un(om&ort)le% )ut w!i(! you do not

"oid# ;our list mi'!t in(lude prties% meetin's% etin' in pu)li(% tlkin' in &ront o&

'roup% dating, tlkin' to people in ut!ority% )ein' sserti"e% or !"in'

(on"erstion# =ere is De)r6s list

SOC*AL S*T<AT*ONS T=AT MAKE M E A N>*O<S <T T=AT I Do NOT ESCA2E 93OM

1#Greetin' my doormn%

?#Cllin' prospe(ti"e (lients#

#Lun(! t t!e (&eteri t work#

B#T!e (o&&ee8!our t (!ur(!#

#Meetin's wit! (oworkers#

#Tlkin' to people * don6t know well#

H#Gettin' to know t!e people in my prtment )uildin'#

Now mke two more (olumns on t!e (!rt *n t!e se(ond (olumn% &or e(!

sitution% write down t!e wys you &eel undesir)le% di&&erent% or in&erior# 9or

exmple% &or prties% De)r wrote% +not 'ood8lookin'% )d (on"erstionlist% look

nxious#+ 9or meetin's t work% s!e wrote% +sy stupid t!in's w!en put on t!e spot%(n6t relx nd (!t )e&ore nd &ter% don6t !"e t!e pro&essionl look o& t!e ot!ers#+

9inlly% in t!e lst (olumn% write down your worst8(se s(enrio o& w!t

(ould 'o wron'# Let yoursel& 'et "i"id im'e# W!t is t!e (tstrop!e you &er

Will people lu'! t you% or ree(t you Will you )e exposed s in&erior Or will

you &il to &it in% 'in

J. List Social Situations #hat You 7voi!. =ere list t!e situtions t!t you avoi!.

T!ese re t!e (ti"ities t!t you would rt!er% nd usully do% "oid# =ere is

De)r6s list#

SOC*AL S*T<AT*ONS I A@O*D

1#Most prties#

?#Tkin' (lients out to dinner#

#Dtes#

B#Askin' my )oss &or &"ors#

#*n"itin' people * don6t know well to 'et to'et!er wit! me#

#Goin' out &ter work wit! (oworkers#

H#Gi"in' presenttions t work#W!en you !"e (ompleted your list% mke two more (olumns nd 'o t!rou'! t!e

sme steps s in % &or e(! sitution# *n t!e se(ond (olumn% write down t!e wys

you &eel di&&erent or in&erior# *n t!e ist (olumn% write your worst8(se s(enrio#

K. List 0a$s #hat You Overcompensate for @eeling %ifferent or Inferior. T!ese re t!e

wys you try to pro"e t!t t!e opposite o& t!e li&etrp is true# T!is is &orm o&

Countertt(k# ;ou try to (om)t t!e li&etrp )y doin' e"eryt!in' possi)le to s!ow

t!t you re not di&&erent# ;ou re not undesir)le# =ere is Adm6s list

WA;S * O@E3COM2ENSATE 9O3 9EEL*NG D*99E3ENT

1#. pretend to )e like w!oe"er *6m wit!% ust to &it in# * keep my

t!ou'!ts to mysel&# ?#1 don6t let people see t!e strn'e prts o& me

/likin' &orei'n &ilms%

my s!ort stories% my &mily0# # W!en * !"e 'irl&riend% * don6t let my

&riends or &mily spend

time wit! !er# * try to keep my worlds seprte# B 1

dress more (onser"ti"ely t!n * would like to# # * try toimpress people wit! !ow populr * m# #1 try to !"e &riends

w!o re populr#

1 I ?



3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

Similrly% you mi'!t o"er(ompenste &or &eelin's o& in&eriority )y )e(omin'inordintely &o(used on your ppern(e% or )e(omin' su((ess&ul in your (reer% or

stru''lin' to#)e in% or !idin' your &lws#

O"er(ompenstions like t!ese re &r'ile# T!ey esily (ollpse# We wnt you

to )uild more solid )se# We wnt you to )e(ome open to experien(in' so(il

situtions new# ;ou will &ind t!ey (n )e 7uite di&&erent &rom t!e ni'!tmre

experien(es o& your (!ild!ood# Adults re 'enerlly more ((eptin' o& di&&eren(es

t!n (!ildren nd doles(ents# T!ey re mu(! less likely to !umilite or ree(t you#

=. %raing on Steps 'K, 7(ove, List the ualities in Yourself #hat 2a&e You @eel

7lienate!, >ulnera(le, or Inferior. Tke one s!eet o& pper &or e(! 7ulity# Mke up

title &or e(! s!eet /e'#% +T!e 9t C!ild%+ 6T!e Dum) C!ild+0# T!en% on e(! s!eet

do t!e &ollowin'F

1#De&ine t!e 7ulity in spe(i&i( terms /e#'#% &t o"er ?II pounds0#

?# List ll t!e e"iden(e in your a!ult li&e t!t su(stantiates your &eelin'

t!t t!is is rel &lw#

#List ny e"iden(e t!trefutes your &eelin'#

B# Ask &riends nd &mily &or t!eir opinions )out !ow you &re on e(!

7ulity#

# Write pr'rp! summri4in' t!e o(1ective e"iden(e# =ow "lid is

your sel&8(riti(ism

T!e 7ulities Mr'ret listed in(luded +not 'ood8lookin'%+ +(n6t (rry on n

interestin' (on"erstion t prties + +not su((ess&ul enou'!%+ +nxious t so(il

o((sions%+ ?) 'et &lippnt nd sy stupid t!in's%+ nd +* mke terri)le &irst

impression#+ =ere is t!e s!eet s!e drew up &or?) mke terri)le &irst impression#+

"I MAKE A TE33*LE 9*3ST *M23ESS*ON+

. %efinition

2eople don6t like me w!en t!ey &irst meet me#

+. Evi!ence in 2$ 7!ult Life #hat #his is a Real @la

) ne"er meet 'uys t prties# 2eople w!o don6t know me lose interest in

tlkin' to me &st t prties# * don6t do well t o) inter"iews# 2eople !"e

mde &un o& t!e &irst impression * mde on t!em /&or exmple% Ellen% ill0#

* !"e lot o& trou)le meetin' new people# 2eople in my prtment

)uildin' don6t seem to like me# T!ey re mu(! &riendlier to ot!er people#

J. Evi!ence from 2$ 7!ult Life #hat Refutes the @eeling

* !"e mde some new &riends sin(e *6"e )een n dult# *n &(t * !"e lot

o& 'ood &riends# W!en * ws in (olle'e% t!e mot!ers o& my )oy&riends

seemed to like me#

K. 7s& 2$ @rien!s an! @amil$

* sked my sister% mot!er% nd two &riends# All o& t!em pretty mu(! 'reed

ex(ept my mot!er# My sister sid t!t * (ome o&& s upti'!t t &irst# My

&riends sid pretty mu(! t!e sme t!in'#

=. Summar$ of the O(1ective Evi!ence

Alt!ou'! t!ere is e"iden(e t!t * (n sometimes mke 'ood &irst

impression% t!e mority o& t!e e"iden(e is t!t t!is is rel &lw#

Doin' t!is &or !er ot!er 7ulities% Mr'ret dmitted t!t s!e ws pro))ly 'ood8

lookin' nd su((ess&ul enou'!% )ut t!t t!e ot!er &lws were rel# T!e 7ulities

Adm listed in(ludedF

WA;S * AM D*99E3ENT 93OM MOST 2EO2LE

l#6l don6t tlk )out t!e sme t!in's ot!er people tlk )out#

?#*6m strn'e#

#2eople don6t wnt to 'et to know me#

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3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

B#*6m too serious# * (n6t seem to li'!ten up# #1dress di&&erently &rom ot!er people#

#1 !"e unusul interests t!t ot!er people don6t seem to !"e H#1 (t so loo&

t!t it puts people o&&#

A&ter doin' !is s!eets% !e de(ided t!t +1 don6t tlk )out t!e sme t!in's t!t ot!er

people tlk )out%+ +*6m too serious# * (n6t seem to li'!ten up%+ nd +* (t so loo&

t!t it puts people o&&%+ were rel &lws#

One t!in' )e(me (ler s we e"luted w!et!er Adm6s &lws were rel or

im'ined# T!is ws t!t Adm e?aggerate! di&&eren(es )etween !imsel& nd ot!er

people# T!is ws one importnt wy !e rein&or(ed !is li&etrp# =e (onstntly

mximi4ed di&&eren(es nd minimi4ed similrities#

T=E3A2*STF 0h$ !i!n5t $ou feel $ou coul! tal& to that ne manager at or&H

ADAMF V 1ust felt h&e e ha! nothing in common. T=E3A2*STF 8ui $ou are in the

same fiel!. #hat is something alrea!$. ADAM 8ut e5re !ifferent in so man$ other

important a$s. T=E3A2*STF Li&e hatH

ADAMF Oh, he !resses !ifferent an! !rives an e?pensive car. T=E3A2*STF 8ut

!i!n5t $ou hear that he5s a foreign fi(n (uff tooH ADAMF Yeah. 8ut that car of his

reall$ put me off. I 1ustfigure! he5s a realt$ materialistic person. 7n! I5m not li&ethat.

T!e "ery wy !e sw t!e world.in terms o& di&&eren(es rt!er t!n similrities.

rein&or(ed Adm6s li&etrp#

N. If You 7re onvince! #hat a @la or %ifference Is 3el% 0rite %on Steps You

oul! #a&e to O"er(ome It. @ollo #hrough Fra!uall$ ith Your Dlan of hange.

;ou mi'!t write t!in's like workin' to impro"e your so(il skills% )e(omin'

wnner nd more &riendly to people% losin' or 'inin' wei'!t% tkin' (lss in

pu)li( spekin'% 'oin' )(k to s(!ool% lernin' to look your )est% or ny num)er o&

ot!er sel&8impro"ement strte'ies# Grdully do t!ese t!in's# Sometimes w!en we

!"e &lw% we s!rink &rom o"er(omin' it# We &eel so s!med t!t we do not

e"en wnt to t!ink )out it 3esist &llin' into t!is trp# Att(k your de&i(ien(ies

!ed8on#

De)r de"eloped pln to del wit! !er +terri)ie &irst impression#+ 9irst s!e

tried to 'et dire(t &eed)(k )out w!t spe(ts o& !ex )e!"ior were pro)lemti(#

S!e did t!is )y o)ser"in' !ersel& w!en meetin' people skin' &riends nd &mily%

nd doin' role8plys o& &irst meetin's wit! us in sessions#

T=E3A2*STF So hat can e conclu!e from aS thisH

DE3AF I guess I have to main pro(lems ith ma&ing a goo! first impression.#he first is that, (ecause I5m so an?ious, I ma&e flippant comments that the

other person !oesn 5i &no are meant as 1o&es. 7n! the secon! is that, hen

people as& me a(out m$self, I !on5t &no hat to sa$.

On(e De)r identi&ied !er tenden(y to )e &lippnt% it ws &irly esy &or !er to stop

doin' it# S!e stopped !ersel& &rom mkin' okes% t lest until s!e knew t!e person

little )etter# *n terms o& t!e se(ond pro)lem% knowin' w!t to sy w!en sked

)out !ersel&% we pr(ti(ed t!is in sessions# We prepare! De)r to tlk )out

!ersel& in "rious res.!er work% !er &mily% !er interests# Mny so(il skills (n

)e lerned t!rou'! preprtion# 2lnnin' in d"n(e !ow to !ndle "rious

s(enrios will redu(e your nxiety#

*m'ery (n lso ply lr'e role in your preprtion# *nsted o& spendin'

time )e&ore n e"ent im'inin' (tstrop!i( situtions nd mkin' yoursel& e"en

more &rid.spend time im'inin' yoursel& per&ormin' well# *m'ine yoursel&

per&ormin' ex(tly s you wis!# ="e dress re!ersls o& su((ess rt!er t!n

&ilure

DE3AF 8efore I ent to the compan$ hristmas part$, I la$ !on an! rela?e!

m$self, an! I imagine! the part$ going ver$ ei. I picture! m$self al&ing in

an! loo&ing aroun!, smiling, an! pic&ing one person to go up to an! fol& to. I

imagine! al&ing up an! sa$ing, "hi," an! feehng compose!. I imagine!

starting to tal&, the things I oul! sa$.

. Reevaluate the Importance of @las #hat You annot hange. Al(o!oli(s

Anonymous !s syin'F +God 'rnt me t!e serenity to ((ept t!e t!in's * ( nnot

(!n'e% (our'e to (!n'e t!e t!in's * (n% nd wisdom to know t!e di&&eren(e#+

1 I B



3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

T!ere re some t!in's you (n (!n'e )out yoursel&% nd some t!in's you (nnot#eyond sel&8impro"ement lies ((eptn(e o& yoursel&#

;ou my !"e &lws t!t you (n ne"er (!n'e% or ne"er (!n'e enou'!# ;ou

will lwys )e too s!ort or tll% you my lwys )e too &t% you my ne"er )e

su((ess&ul enou'!% or tell 'ret stories t prties# =owe"er% people wit! t!is li&etrp

lmost lwys e?aggerate t!e importn(e o& t!eir &lws# Consider t!is# =ow

si'ni&i(nt relly re your &lws relti"e to your ot!er 'ood 7ulities

List your 'ood 7ulities nd your &lws# Do t!e sme &or people you know#

Are you relly t!t mu(! worse% or di&&erent% o"erll Try to put your &lws in

perspective. De)r my )e wkwrd in so(il situtions% )ut s!e is lso n

intelli'ent% sensiti"e% nd sweet !umn )ein'# T!e sme &or Adm% =e is &unny%

interestin' person w!ose di&&eren(es o&ten mke !im 7uite (!rismti(# Our

experien(e o& ptients wit! t!is li&etrp is o"erw!elmin'ly t!t t!eir &lws ple

'inst t!e )(kdrop o& t!e person s w!ole#

;ou pro))ly )elie"e t!t ot!er dults re'rd your &lws in t!e sme li'!t s

t!e (!ildren w!o mde &un o& you in (!ild!ood# ut you re wron'# Adults re

usully mu(! more tolernt o& di&&eren(es t!n (!ildren# Adults ppre(ite

di&&eren(es more# *t is only (!ildren.or immture dults.w!o &eel t!t pressure

to )e ex(tly t!e sme#

DE3AF 0hen I5m at a part$ I feel the same as (ac& on the pla$groun! at school.

I feel h&e it5s recess, an! ever$(o!$5s ma&ing fun of me. I half e?pect people

to start ganging up on me an! start chanting songs a(out ho fat I am.

9inlly% you my !"e &lws t!t you do not ant to (!n'e# Some o& your soolled

&lws my )e "lued prts o& yoursel&# T!is is !ow Adm &inlly &elt )out t!e wy

!e dressed# =e enoyed )uyin' (lot!es nd (retin' out&its# =e ws not )out to

'i"e it up# T!e wy !e dressed ws distin(ti"e )ut not outr'eous# De)r !d

similr issue )out mkeup# S!e ws not willin' to wer it% e"en i& it would

en!n(e !er (!n(es o& meetin' mn#

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1 O 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

=ow mu(! you re willin' to (!n'e yoursel& is ultimtely your de(ision# ut

you must )e wre o& t!e (onse7uen(es o& w!t you do# *& &ittin' in is your 'ol%

t!en flaunting your uni7ueness is not 'oin' to !elp you re(! it# One o& t!e most

(!llen'in' tsks in li&e is &indin' )ln(e )etween &ittin' in or )ein' norml% nd

expressin' our uni7ue% indi"idul ntures# *& we 'o too &r towrd (on&ormity% we

lose sense o& w!o we relly re, i& we 'o to t!e extreme o& indi"idul expression

nd uni7ueness% we (nnot &it in wit! t!e rest o& t!e (ommunity#

. 2a&e a @lashcar! for Each @la. Mke &ls!(rds to (rry round wit! you#

3ed t!em e(! time your li&etrp is tri''ered# *n t!is wy you (n (!ip wy t

t!e li&etrp#

W!en you re writin' &ls!(rd% emp!si4e wys you re ex''ert in' t!e

&lw# Mention your 'ood 7ulities# *n(lude wys you (n impro"e#

We will 'i"e you some exmples# =ere is t!e (rd De)r wrote &or t!e &lw%

+* m nxious t so(il o((sions#+

SOC*AL E>C<3S*ON 9LAS=CA3D ^ 1

* know t!t ri'!t now * &eel nxious% s i& e"eryone is lookin' t me# * &eel like *

(n6t tlk to nyone# ut it is ust my li&etrp )ein' tri''ered# *& * look round% *

will see t!t people re not lookin' t me# And e"en i& someone is% it is pro))ly

&riendly look# *& * strt mikin' to people% in little w!ile my nxiety will 'row less#

2eople (n6t relly tell *6m nxious# esides% ot!er people re nxious too# E"ery8

one is little nxious in so(il situtions# * (n strt )y relxin' my )ody% lookin'

round t!e room% nd &indin' one person to tlk to#

=ere is t!e (rd Adm wrote &or t!e &lw% 61 (t so loo& t!t it puts people o&&%+

SOC*AL E>CL<S*ON 9LAS=CA3D 8^+?

*6m strtin' to &eel di&&erent &rom t!e6 people *6m wit!# *6m &eelin' like n outsider%

lone in t!e (rowd# * m !oldin' mysel& )(k% )e(omin' loo&# ut t!is is my

li&etrp ki(kin' in# *n &(t *6m ex''ertin' !ow di&&erent * m# *& * )e(ome

&riendlier% * will &ind t!t we !"e t!in's in (ommon# * ust !"e to 'i"e mysel&

(!n(e to (onne(t#

A &ls!(rd (n !elp )rek t!e spell o& t!e li&etrp% nd 'et you )(k on ore ri'!t

tr(k#

*. 2a&e a 4ierarch$ of Social an! 0or& Froups You 4ave 8een Escaping.

Fra!uall$ 2ove Up the 4ierarch$. T!is is t!e most (ru(il step# Stop es(pin'- O&

ll t!e &(tors t!t mintin your li&etrp% "oidn(e is t!e most importnt# As lon'

s you keep runnin' wy% your li&etrp (nnot (!n'e#

y t!e time we re(! dult!ood% t!e likeli!ood o& people ree(tin' us is lower

t!n it ws in (!ild!ood# As most people 'et older% t!ey )e(ome more tolernt nd

((eptin'# ut you do not see t!is# ;ou re &ro4en in (!ild!ood% unwre t!t t!eworld !s (!n'ed round you% ;ou s(ri)e t!e mentlity o& (!ild to t!e dults

round you# So you "oid situtions% w!ere6you mi'!t 'et e x(tly t!e positi"e

&eed)(k t!t you need# ;ou ne"er &ind out t!t you mi'!t (tully )e ((epted#

We reli4e t!is step will )e di&&i(ult &or you We will mke it s esy#s we

(n# T!e reson you try to es(pe is t!t you experien(e su(! !i'! nxiety in so(il

situtions# ;ou will do lmost nyt!in' to "oid experien(in' t!is nxiety# And

w!t is more% wit! t!e So(il Ex(lusion li&etrp% it is possi(le to li"e your li&e

"oidin' lmost ll so(il situtions# ;ou (n still 'et )y% e"en t!ou'! your li&e

l(ks n importnt dimension o& 'rti&i(tion#

Tke t!e list you mde in step % o& 'roup situtions t!t you "oid# 3te !ow

di&&i(ult it would )e to (omplete e(! item% usin' t!e &ollowin' s(le /<se ny

num)er &rom I to #0

SCALE O9 D*99*C<LT;

I @ery Esy

? Mildly Di&&i(ult

B Modertely Di&&i(ult

@ery Di&&i(ult

9eels Almost *mpossi)le

9or exmple% De)r rted t!e items on !er list s s!own on t!e &ollowin' p'e#



1 I H 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

SOC*AL STT<AT&OKS * A@O*D D*99*C<LT;

3AT*NG

1# Most prties%

?# Tkin' (lients out to dinner#

# Dtes#

B# Askin' ry )oss &or &"ors# B

# *n"itin' people * don6t know well to 'et to'et!er wit!

me H

# Goin' out &ter work wit! (oworkers#

H# Gi"in' presenttions t work#

Strt wit! t!e least di&&i(ult item /Mke sure you !"e in(luded some relti"ely

esy items.some l6s% +s, nd 6s#0 Do t!is item o"er nd o"er until you !"e

(!ie"ed sense o& mstery o"er t!t le"el o& di&&i(ulty# De)r6s esiest item ws

+'oin' out &ter work wit! (oworkers#+ S!e did t!is se"erl times mont! &or &i"e

mont!s )e&ore s!e mo"ed up to !er next !ierr(!y item#

De)r mde up ot!er items t le"el di&&i(ulty% nd did t!ose too# S!e (!tted

wit! people s!e knew in pssin'% su(! s doormen nd store (lerks# S!e stru(k up

(on"erstions wit! men s!e &ound modertely ttr(ti"e# y t!e time s!e 'ot to

le"el B% s!e &elt redy# We wnt you to do t!e sme# At e(! le"el o& di&&i(ulty%

mke up ot!er items nd do t!ose# And pln (re&ully !ow you will (omplete e(!item# T!ink e"eryt!in' t!rou'! in d"n(e Work out solutions to mny possi)le

e"entulities# <se positi"e im'ery to pr(ti(e per&ormin' well#

Grdully mo"e up your !ierr(!y# ;our su((esses will sustin you s you 'o#

T!e !rdest prt is 'ettin' strted# Tke (!n(e nd strt 'rowin' so(illy 'in#

;ou mi'!t e"en &ind t!t you enoy it#

T. 0hen You 7re in Froups, 2a&e a oncerte! Effort to Initiate onversations.

W!en you ttend so(il e"ent set yoursel& 'ol o& strtin' (ertin num)er o&

(on"erstions to initite% t!en try to meet your tr'et Orient yoursel& towrd t!e

outside world# 2eople wit! t!is li&etrp spend too mu(! so(il time styin' in t!eir

own !ed# T!ey do not (onne(t# E"en t!ou'! t!ey !"e entered t!e so(il sitution%

t!ey re still es(pin' rel (ont(t# T!ey re t!ere% yet not relly t!ere# ;ou !"e to

o"er(ome t!is more su)tle &orm o& Es(pe s well#

W!en De)r nd Adm pr(ti(ed t!eir !ierr(!y items% t!ey would 'ree to

tlk to spe(i&i( num)er o& people# Goin' to prty% t!ey would sy somet!in'

like% 6Til tlk to t lest two people t!t . don6t know#+ T!is is w!t we wnt you to

do# ;ou will )e surprised to &ind out t!t settin' spe(i&i( 'ol will o&ten re!uce

your nxiety rt!er t!n in(rese it# On(e t!e nti(iptory nxiety !s pssed% you

will pro))ly &ind t!t wlkin' up nd tlkin' to people 'retly de(reses your

nxiety# T!is is !ow it usully works wit! "oidn(e# ;ou predi(t t!t you will )e

mu(! more nxious t!n you (tully re

DE3AF It realt$ asn5t (a! at all. I tal&e! to to people !uring the coffee (rea&,

an! it asn5t that (a!. 7n! next time I go, it ill (e muc& (etter, (ecause no

I have some people I can tal& to.

Try to mke &riends wit! one person in t!e 'roup% t!en expnd to ot!er 'roup

mem)ers 'rdully# T!is is strte'y w!i(! we !"e &ound !elp&ul# 9o(usin' on

t!e 'roup s w!ole is too o"erw!elmin'# ;ou &eel t!e 'roup6s eyes on you# rek

t!e 'roup down into mn'e)le units# Con7uer it one or two people t time

. 8e Yourself in Froups. T!ere is not!er more su)tle &orm o& "oidn(e

T!is is to !ide prts o& yoursel&# ;ou tlk to people )ut you re se(reti"e

or (re&ul to "oid (ertin topi(s% so t!t your de&e(t or di&&eren(e will not

)e exposed# 2er!ps it is t!t you re 'y% or unsu((ess&ul% or &rom

(ertin &mily )(k'round# Or my)e it is p!ysi(l (!r(teristi( or

some spe(t o& your sttus.su(! s e du(tion or in(ome#

;ou py too !i'! pri(e &or keepin' t!ese se(rets# Meetin' people )e(omes

&ru'!t wit! tension nd loneliness# As one o& our ptients on(e sid% +="in'

se(ret is isoltin'#+ Try% s mu(! s possi)le% not to !ide your &lws or per(ei"ed

di&&eren(es# We re not syin' to )e outrageousl$ di&&erent# We re simply syin' to )e yoursel&# Let people know t!t you re 'y or &rom (ertin &mily )(k'round#

Stop !idin' it As you 'et to know people )etter% s!re some o& your "ulner)ilities

nd inse(urities# *t is t!e only wy &or you to &ind out t!t you re ((ept)le

ne"ert!eless#



T=E SOC*AL E>CL<S*ON L*9ET3A2 1

+, Stop #r$ing So 4ar! to Overcompensate for Your Derceive! 7reas of

Un!esira2it$. Allow yoursel& to see t!t most people will ((ept you &or w!o you re.not &or tryin' to impress t!em wit! your ((omplis!ments

or possessions# 3esist t!t pressure ;ou will &ind t!t it is relie& to 'i"e

up t!is pressure

ADAMF 4aving to prove al the time that I as a popular gu$ as a (ur!en. I as

ala$s l$ing a(out ho I as. I reall$ !on5t ant to have to !o it an$more.



1 I J 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

De)r !d similr issue )out !er l(k o& su((ess# e(use s!e ws s!med o&

!er work sitution% s!e (onstntly tried to pro"e to people !ow smrt s!e ws# *& t!e

su)e(t o& work (me up t ll% !er (on"erstion would 'row strined nd rti&i(il#

DE3AF V oul! almost start (ragging reall$. 6o matter hat e ere tal&ing

a(out, I5! manage to !rop in some comment a(out hour I on an aar! in

college or something. 2a$(e start tal&ing a(out some complicate! theor$. Or

all of a su!!en (ecome realt$ (ondes(endin'# It oul! soun! reall$ hollo. I

mean the other person oul! &no e?actl$ ho I reaS$ felt.

Not only is (ountertt(kin' like t!is )urden% )ut your )e!"ior is trnsprent s

well# Ot!er people see ri'!t t!rou'! you# T!ey know you &eel s!med inside T!e

s!owin' o&& is &lse ;ou know it% nd t!ey know it too# 3epl(e t!e person t!t you

pretend to )e wit! t!e person you relly re# 2eople will like you )etter% nd you

will like yoursel& )etter s well#

We re not syin' t!t you s!ould strt tlkin' yoursel& down# 3t!er% we re

syin' to (lm down% to stop tryin' so !rd to impress people#

SOME 9*NAL WO3DS

T!e ourney out o& So(il Ex(lusion is ourney &rom loneliness to (onne(tion# Try

to see it in t!is positi"e li'!t# *& you re willin' to pply t!ese (!n'e strte'ies%

you will &ind t!t t!ere re mny rewrds% De)r is now drin'% enoyin' !ersel& t

prties% 'oin' out se"erl ni'!ts week# S!e (omes to !er sessions !ppy# Adm

!s mde some new (lose &riends wit! w!om !e s!res t!e trut! )out !imsel&# T!e

ultimte rewrd is stis&yin' so(il li&e# ;ou (n &eel prt o& 'roup or t!e

(ommunity# T!is is "itl prt o& li&e% o& w!i(! you re now depri"ed# W!y miss

out in t!is wy



"I C AN' T M AKE I T ON M Y O WN" THE

DEPENDENCE LIFETRAP

MA3GOETF TWENT;8E*G=T @EA3S OLD# 9EELS T3A22ED iri

=E3 MA33*AGE TO AN A<S*@E =<SAND#

W!en Mr'ret &irst wlks into our o&&i(e t!ere is &ri'!tened look in !er eyes% it

rises prote(ti"e impulse in us nd we mo"e to tke (re o& !er# W!en we tell !er

s!e seems &ri'!tened% s!e tells us t!t s!e does not e"en like to t!ink )out !er

pro)lems% let lone tlk )out t!em#

Mr'ret &eels trpped in reltions!ip t!t s!e is too &rid to le"e S!e is

&rid to )e lone# Ant!ony% !er !us)nd% is "er)lly )usi"e =e !s )een

unemployed &or two yers nd )lmes !er# *n &(t% !e )lmes !er &or ll !is

pro)lems# Mr'ret is 'orp!o)i( s!e !s pni( tt(ks nd "oids mny situtions

&or &er t!t s!e will !"e n tt(k.trins% resturnts% 'ro(ery stores% s!oppin'

mlls% (rowds% mo"ie t!eters# On some dys s!e is so nxious t!t s!e is &rid tole"e !er !ome S!e !s (ome to t!erpy )e(use (opin' wit! !er mrri'e nd !er

p!o)is !s )e(ome too mu(! &or !er#

As you mi'!t im'ine% side &rom mkin' dy8to8dy &un(tionin' di&&i(ult

Mr'ret6s 'orp!o)i s!rply de(reses !er plesure &rom !er leisure time

A(ti"ities t!t ot!er people &ind enoy)le% s!e experien(es s onerous tsks#

11I



111 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

MA3GA3ETF 7ntlton$ is ma! at me.. 4e ants me to meet 2m at the restaurant

tomorro night. 4e !oesn5t ant to ham to come home first an! get me. 8ut I

1ust can5t !oit. I can5t get on the train.

T=E3A2*STF 0hat are $ou afrai! ofH

MA3GA3ETF 0hat if something happens to me an! there is no one to ta&e

care of meH T=E3A2*STF 0hat might

happen to $ouH

MA3GA3ETF 0hat might happen to meH 2$ panic might get so (a! thai I5!

collapse on the street.

W!en Mr'ret is !ome% i& Ant!ony !s to Le"e &or some reson% s!e% too% &inds

!ersel& rus!in' out o& t!e !ouse Or s!e strts to mke telep!one (llsF +My

telep!one is my li&eline to t!e world#+ Alt!ou'! Ant!ony (omplins n'rily )out

t!e (ost to !im o& ))y8sittin' !er% w!ene"er s!e strikes out on !er own% !e seems

to dis(our'e !er# *n strn'e wy% Mr'ret &eels !eants to keep !er dependent#

W*LL*AMF T=*3T;89O<3 ;EA3S OLD% *S ST*LL DE2ENDENT ON =* S 2A3ENTS TO TAKE

CA3E O9 =*M#

Willim% too% !s &ri'!tened look w!en !e wlks into our o&&i(e =e seems to )e

s!y% 7uiet mn# =e !s n ir o& timidity# And !e lso mo"es us to tke (re o& !im%

to try to mke !im (om&ort)le# We &ind we!sBgentle wit! !im#

Willim is still li"in' wit! !is prents# =e !d le&t !ome &or n extended

period o& time only on(e% w!en !e went to (olle'e *t lsted one yerF &ter t!t% !e

trns&erred to smll s(!ool (lose enou'! t!t !e (ould li"e t !ome nd (ommute

Willim )e(me n ((ountnt like !is &t!er% nd !e works in !is &t!er6s &irm# =e

is extremely nxious )out !is work# =e !s )een dtin' womn nmed Crol &or

lon' time% )ut some!ow &inds it !rd to mke (ommitment# =e (nnot de(ide i&

s!e is t!e ri'!t person &or !im#

W*LL*AMF I &eep thin&ing, "0hat if I5m ma&ing a mista&e, hat if she5s not the

oneH 0hat if there5s someone (etterH 4o !o I &no if she5s the right one, or

if I5m 1ust settling for lessH"

0e get along, (ut there 1ust aren5t fireor&s. 7n! hat if I can5t support

herH She ants to have a lot of &i!s. 4o !o I &no that I can support a ife

an! &i!sH I can (arel$ support m$self. Sometimes I thin& I shoul! 1ust (rea&

up ith her no, an! get it over ith.

Willim !s )een tryin' to mke up !is mind )out Crol &or two yers# =e !s

(ome to t!erpy )e(use s!e !s &inlly 'i"en !im n ultirntum. eit!er mrry !er

or end t!e reltions!ip# Willim &eels prly4ed#

C=3*ST*NEF TWENT;89O<3 ;EA3S OLD# *S SO *NDE2ENDENT T=AT S=E CANNOT ACCE2T

=EL2% E@EN W=EN S=E WEEDS LT#

C!ristine does not look &ri'!tened w!en s!e wlks into our o&&i(e# On t!e (ontrry%

s!e looks "ery (p)le o& tkin' (re o& !ersel&# =er mnner is ssured nd

(ompetent#

C!ristine prides !ersel& on !er independen(e# S!e is sel&8relintF?) do not

need nyone%+ s!e tells us# S!e !s )een supportin' !ersel& nd li"in' on !er own

sin(e s!e strted (olle'e# 9or t!e pst yer s!e !s worked s so(il worker in

dru' tretment (enter# S!e wlks t!rou'! t!e most dn'erous (ity nei'!)or!oods

wit!out &er#

Ei'!t mont!s )e&ore s!e (me to see us% C!ristine )roke !er le' in skiin'

((ident# S!e is still usin' (ne to wlk# 3i'!t &ter t!e ((ident% s!e !d to return

temporrily to !er prents5 !ome# =er prents nd two youn'er sisters !d to )rin'

!er mels% !elp !er ws!% nd dress !er# T!ey !d to tke (re o& !er# T!e stress o&

!"in' people tke (re o& !er% prti(ulrly &mily mem)ers% ws so intense t!t s!e

entered t!erpy#

C=3*ST*NEF I5m 1ust not the &in! of person ho &&es to (e ta&en care of. I 1ust

!on5t h&e it. I foun! m$self getting reall$ !epresse! an! upset a(out it.



11? 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

I guess I reaSe! that I s!ouldn6t get so upset a(out it. 7n! no I5m (ac&

in m$ apartment, an! I5m having a har! time letting m$ frien!s !o the things I

nee! to have !one for me. 7n! the funn$ thing is, I &no I oul! !o the same

for them in a flash, ithout even thin&ing a(out it.

0h$ can5t I accept help from peopleH

T=E DE2ENDENCE <EST*ONNA*3E Tke t!is test% rtin' e(! item usin' t!e

s(le on t!e &ollowin' p'e#

SCO3*NS Key


? Mostly untrue o& ine



Mostly true o& me


*& you !"e ny S6s or 6s on t!is 7uestionnire% t!is li&etrp my still pply to


SCO3E DESC3*2T*ON

1# * &eel more like (!ild t!n n dult w!en it (omes to

!ndlin' t!e responsi)ilities o& dily li&e#

?% * m not (p)le o& 'ettin' )y on my own#

# * (nnot (ope well )y mysel&#

B# Ot!er people (n tke (re o& me )etter t!n * (n tke (re o&

mysel&#

#1 !"e trou)le t(klin' new tsks unless * !"e someone to

'uide me## * (n6t do nyt!in' ri'!t

H# * m inept#

# * l(k (ommon sense#

J# 1 (nnot trust my own ud'ment#

1I# * &ind e"erydy li&e o"erw!elmin'#

;O<3 TOTAL DE2ENDENCE SCOKE/Add your s(ores to'et!er &or 7uestions 181I0

* NTE323ET*NG ;O<3 DE2ENDENCE SCO3E


T!is li&etrp my only pply occasionalV. I8J Moderte# T!is li&etrp is n issue

in your li&e#

BI8BJ =i'!# T!is is de&initely n important li&etrp &or you# I8I @ery !i'!#

T!is is de&initely one o& your core li&etrps#

T=E E>2E3*ENCE O9 DE2ENDENCE

*& you !"e t!e Dependen(e li&etrp% li&e itsel& seems o"erw!elmin'# ;ou &eel t!t

you (nnot (ope# ;ou )elie"e t!t you re in(p)le o& tkin' (re o& yoursel& in

t!e world% nd t!t t!ere&ore you !"e to turn to ot!er people &or !elp# *t is only

wit! su(! !elp t!t you (n possi)ly sur"i"e# At t!e (ore o& your experien(e o&



11 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

dependen(e is t!e sense t!t it is (onstnt stru''le to &ul&ill t!e norml

responsi)ilities o& dult li"in'# ;ou simply do not !"e w!t it tkes# *t is &eelin'

o& somet!in' lac&ing, o& ina!e-uac$. An im'e t!t (ptures t!e essen(e o&

dependen(e is t!t o& smll (!ild w!o &eels t!t suddenly t!e world is too mu(!

nd strts (ryin' &or mommy# *t is &eelin' o& )ein' smll (!ild in world o&

dults# Wit!out n dult to tke (re o& you% you &eel lest#

;our typi(l t!ou'!ts re&le(t your sense o& in(ompeten(eF 6T!is is too mu(!

&or me%+ +1 (n6t !ndle t!is%+ +*6m 'oin' to &ll prt%+ Tm not 'oin' to )e )le to

!ndle my responsi)ilities#+ Ot!er typi(l t!ou'!ts re&le(t your &er o&

)ndonment.your &er t!t you will lose t!e people upon w!om you re most

dependent +W!t would * do wit!out t!is person%+ +=ow will * 'et )y on my

own+ T!ese t!ou'!ts re usully ((ompnied )y sense o& despertion nd

pni(# As Mr'ret sys% +T!ere re so mny t!in's * (n6t do# * !"e to !"e

someone t!ere to do t!em &or me+ ;ou dwell on t!is ne(essity# *t drins 'ret del

o& your mentl ener'y# ;ou plot nd s(!eme to )e sure someone will )e t!ere# Le&t

on your own% you !"e 'lo)l sense o& e"eryt!in' )ein' o"erw!elmin'#

;ou o&ten )etry (omplete l(k o& trust in your own ud'ment ;ou !"e

little sense o& your )ility to mke 'ood ud'ments# Di&&i(ulty trustin' your

ud'ment is (ore &eture o& dependen(e# ;ou rein!ecisive.

W*LL*AMF V ish I coul! ma&e up m$ min! a(out arol. I !on5t &no h$ aver

(ac& an! forth so much. It5s 4&e I (elieve that I c an5t possi(l$ ma&e the right

choice.

W!en you !"e de(ision to mke% you soli(it t!e opinions o& ot!ers# *n &(t% you

pro))ly rus! &rom person to person seekin' d"i(e# ;ou (!n'e your mind

!undred times# T!e w!ole pro(ess ust le"es you (on&used nd ex!usted# *& you

&inlly mn'e to mke de(ision% you !"e to keep skin' &or ressurn(e t!t

your de(ision ws ri'!t#

Alterntely% you mi'!t seek t!e d"i(e o& one person in w!om you !"e 'ret

(on&iden(e% nd rely solely on t!t# T!t person is o&ten t!erpist# *n t!e )e'innin'

o& t!erpy% our dependent ptients lwys try to 'et us to mke t!eir de(isions &or

t!em T!is is not lwys esy to resist# e(use it (n )e so pin&ul &or us to wt(!

ptient "(illtin' endlessly% it is temptin' to ump in nd mke t!e de(ision# We

!"e to try !rd to resist t!is tempttion )e(use it relly does not !elp t!ese

ptients# *t in(reses t!eir dependen(e on us% w!en t!e 'ol o& t!erpy is t!eir

e"entul independen(e#

Dependent people do not like (!n'e# T!ey like e"eryt!in' to sty t!e sme

MA3GA3ETF 0hen I first met 7nthon$ at school, < use! to teU him that I ishe!

e coul! sta$ in school forever, that it never ha! to en! 4e coul!n5t ait to

get out, for school to en!, (ut; ante! if to go on an! on.

T=E3A2*STF 0hat as it that $ou ere going to loseH

MA3GA3ETF I guess it as that I felt so safe there. I &ne hat to e?pect.

*t is your l(k o& &it! in your ud'ment t!t mkes you so &rid o& (!n'e# ;our

(on&iden(e is low in new situtions% )e(use you !"e to rely on your own ud'ment

*n situtions t!t re &milir to you% you !"e lredy 'otten t!e ud'ments o& ot!er

people nd you !"e lredy est)lis!ed some knowled'e o& t!e )est ppro(! to

tke# ut w!en you (on&ront new sitution% unless you !"e someone to d"ise

you% you !"e to rely on your own opinions% nd you do not trust t!ose#

We would like to sy t!t your sense o& in(ompeten(e is more im'ined t!n

rel% )ut un&ortuntely t!is is o&ten not t!e (se# O&ten dependent people l(k

(ompeten(e ex(tly )e(use t!ey !"e so su((ess&ully "oided t!e tsks o&

dult!ood# T!ey !"e 'otten ot!er people to do t!ese tsks &or t!em T!is "oidn(e

leds to some relisti( de&i(its in skills nd ud'ment% =owe"er% most dependent ptients e?aggerate t!eir in(ompeten(e# T!ey dou)t t!emsel"es more t!n t!e

sitution wrrnts#

W!en you (onsistently (t in wys desi'ned to keep people doin' t!in's &or

you% you re surren!ering to your li&etrp# ="in' people do t!in's &or you

rein&or(es t!e ide t!t you re not (p)le o& doin' t!ese t!in's on your own nd

keeps you &rom de"elopin' sense o& (ompeten(e# =owe"er% it is lmost (ertinly



11B 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

true t!t% i& you were li"in' on your own% you would e"entully )e )le to lern t!e

t!in's t!t re re7uired &or (ompeten(e in dily li"in'# ;our dependen(e is one lr'e

untested !ypot!esis# ;ou !"e ne"er &ound out t!t you (tully (n &un(tion lone

Escape is not!er wy o& rein&or(in' your li&etrp# ;ou "oid t!e tsks yoti

)elie"e re too di&&i(ult &or you# T!ere re (ertin tsks dependent people (ommonly

"oid# T!ese in(lude dri"in'% ttendin' to &inn(il mtters% mkin' de(isions%

tkin' on new responsi)ilities% nd lernin' new res o& expertise ;ou "oid

)rekin' prt &rom prent or prtner# ;ou rrely li"e lone or tr"el lone ;ou

rrely 'o to mo"ie lone or out to et lone y (ontinully runnin' wy &rom

t!ese tsks% you (on&irm your sense t!t you (nnot ((omplis! t!em on your own#

Mr'ret sys% +Ant!ony tkes (re o& ll t!e money# * (ould ne"er keep our

(!e(k)ook )ln(ed#+ Willim sys% 61 (ould ne"er 'et o) wit! not!er &irm#

W!t i& * ws miser)le &ilure Ot!er )osses wouldn6t )e s lenient wit! me s

my dd#+

DE2ENDENCE AND ANGE3

Alt!ou'! you &ind (!n'e &ri'!tenin' nd resist it% you o&ten &eel trpped e"en s

you &eel se(ure# T!is is t!e ne'ti"e side o& t!e Dependen(e li&etrp# T!is is t!e

pri(e you py# Dependent people o&ten llow t!emsel"es to )e )used% su)u'ted%

or depri"ed in order to mintin t!e dependen(e T!ey will do lmost nyt!in' to

keep t!e person wit! t!em#

;ou pro))ly ((ept su)ordinte role in your reltions!ips wit! &mily

mem)ers% lo"ers% nd &riends# <ndou)tedly t!is 'i"es rise to n'er /lt!ou'! you

my not )e wre o& it0# ;ou like t!e se(urity o& t!ese reltions!ips% )ut you &eel

n'ry towrd t!e people w!o pro"ide it# And usully you do not dre express your

n'er openly# T!t mi'!t dri"e people wy% nd you need t!em too mu(!# T!e drk

side o& t!is li&etrp is t!t you &eel trpped in your dependent role#

T=E3A2*STF lose $our e$es an! give me an image of $our marriage.

MA3GA3ETF I5m in a !ar& place that I can5t get out of, an! there is no air, an! I

can5t (reathe. It5s claustropho(ic. 7nthon$ is $elling at me a(out something. I

hear &irn going on an! on, an! I hate him so much that I feel 4&e I5m going to

e?plo!e.

T=E3A2*STF 0hat !o $ou !oH

MA3GA3ETF I polo'i4e to him, an! I promise I5ll never !o it again.

Mny o& Mr'ret6s pni( tt(ks o((ur w!en s!e is n'ry t Ant!ony nd tryin' to

keep it inside# Dependen(e ex(ts !i'! pri(e in terms o& &reedom nd sel&8

expressto

Some dependent people do express t!eir n'er more openly# T!ese re people

w!o !"e w!t we (ll +dependent entitlement+ Some dependent people &ee-

entitle! to !"e t!eir dependen(e needs met Crol expressed t!is )out Willim in

one o& our sessions /t Willim6s re7uest% Crol ttended some o& our sessions0#

CA3OLF Yester!a$, 0illiam as reall$ nast$ an! critical 4e gets tltat

attitu!e. I as coo&ing !inner, an! he starts hovering over me an!

(orre(tin'me. It5s h&e I can5t !o an$thing right. T=E3A2*ST to 0illiam)/

0hat as happening ith $ouH W*LL*AMF It reall$ starte! after I got home from

the !octor. I as realt$

ma! that sl !i!n5t ant to go to the !octor ith me for m$ allerg$

shots. She ma!e me go ($ m$self. CA3OLF V ha!

an economics test; W*LL*AM, You coul! have ma!e it

up later.

*t my )e t!t you !"e (om)intion o& t!e Dependen(e nd Entitlement li&etrps#

*n6t!is (se you 'et n'ry w!en people do not meet your needs# ;ou punish t!em )ysulkin'% (tin' irritted% or 'ettin' o"ertly n'ry#

DE2ENDENCE AND AN>*ET;



11 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

2ni( tt(ks nd 'orp!o)i re (ommon# *n mny wys 'orp!o)i is drm

o& dependen(e# T!e (ore &eture o& utonomy is t!e )ility to "enture into t!e world

nd !"e t!e resour(es to &un(tion independently# A'orp!o)i is t!e ex(t

opposite# Mr'ret &eels helpless. W!en s!e "entures into t!e world% s!e !s no

(on&iden(e t!t s!e (n !ndle w!t !ppens# S!e would rt!er "oid t!e world

lto'et!er# S!e wnts to sty !ome w!ere s!e &eels s&e#

Mr'ret &eels like (!ild in t!e world.s i& s!e (n no more sur"i"e lone

t!n (!ild# =er only !ope is to lt(! onto someone w!o will rke (re o& !er#

<ltimtely w!t s!e &ers is det!% insnity% po"erty% !omeless8ness.t!e extremes

o& !elplessness# E(! time s!e !s pni( tt(k% s!e )e(omes (on"in(ed t!t s!e is

!"in' !ert tt(k or losin' !er mind# Like most 'orp!o)i(s% s!e lso !s

@ulner)ility% t!e ot!er li&etrp in t!e Autonomy relm#

E"en i& you do not !"e pni( tt(ks% you undou)tedly !"e tremendous

nxiety# All t!e nturl (!n'es o& li&e seem o"erw!elmin'% e"en t!e positi"e

(!n'es# A promotion t work% t!e )irt! o& (!ild% 'rdution% mrri'e.ny new

responsi)ility (n tri''er nxiety# O((sions most people re'rd s (uses &or

(ele)rtion t!row you into stte o& dred#

;ou my lso &eel (!roni( sense o& depression lon' wit! t!e nxiety# At

!ert you my despise yoursel& &or your dependen(e on ot!ers# As Willim sys% +*

&eel like n inde7ute person#+ Low sel&8esteem is n inte'rl nd pin&ul prt o&

t!e Dependen(e li&etrp#

CO<NTE3DE2ENDENCE

C!ristine% t!e so(il worker w!o )roke !er le'% is n exmple o& (ountert8t(ker#

S!e (opes wit! !er Dependen(e li&etrp )y puttin' ll !er ener'y into (!ie"in' t

!i'! le"el nd )ein' completel$ independent# S!e o"er8(ompenstes )y (onstntly

&i'!tin' 'inst !er (ore &eelin's o& in(ompeten(e# S!e mustcontinuall$ pro"e to

!ersel& nd to ot!ers t!t s!e (n 'et )y on !er own# S!e su&&ers &rom !idden

dependen(e

C!ristine is (ompetent =er (ompeten(e is one o& !er most slient &etures# ut

undernet! s!e &eels tremendous mount o& nxiety# S!e is (onstntly &rid t!t

s!e will not per&orm de7utely# E(! time s!e 'ets promotion% w!i(! is o&ten% s!e

&ers s!e will )e un)le to !ndle t!e o)# W!en !er &riends put !er into leders!ip

positions% w!i(! t!ey o&ten do% s!e &ills t!e role (ompetently )ut wit! 'ret

trepidtion# C!ristine6s &ers pressure !er to e"er !i'!er le"els o& (ompeten(e% s s!edri"es !ersel& to mster e"ery tsk# ut s!e ne"er 'i"es !ersel& (redit# S!e )elie"es

s!e is &oolin' people S!e lwys dis(ounts !er ((omplis!ments nd m'ni&ies !er

errors or de&i(ien(ies#

C!ristine o"er(ompenstes &or !er &eelin's o& dependen(e )y )e!"in' s

t!ou'! s!e does not need !elp &rom ny)ody# C!ristine is loo independent No

mtter !ow nxious s!e &eels% s!e &or(es !ersel& to &(e t!in's lone# T!is tenden(y

to 'o to t!e ot!er extreme.to (t s t!ou'! s!e does not need ny)ody &or

n1!in'.is (lled (ounterdependen(e% nd is stron' indi(tion o& t!e presen(e

o& t!e Dependen(e li&etrp# Counter8dependent people re&use to turn to ot!ers &or

!elp% e"en w!en it is reson)le to do so# T!ey re&use to sk &or d"i(e% ssistn(e%

or 'uidn(e T!ey (nnot llow t!emsel"es to 'et norml mount o& !elp &rom

ot!er people% )e(use it mkes t!em &eel too "ulner)le#

C=3*ST*NEF It is 4&e if I turn to an$one at all I might (ecame totall$ !epen!ent.

Right after the acci!ent, hen I as at home, it reall$ scare! me to (ecome

!epen!ent on m$ parents again.

*& you re (ounterdependent% e"en t!ou'! you do not (knowled'e your &eelin's o&

dependen(e% t yourcore you &eel t!e sme s ot!er dependent



1 1 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L $ 9 E

people# ;ou my pper to )e &un(tionin' well% )ut you do so t !i'! le"el o&

nxiety# *t is t!e &eelin' undernet! t!t 'i"es you wy#

T=E O3*G*NS O9 T=E DE2ENDENCE L*9ET3A2

T!e Dependen(e li&etrp (n ori'inte eit!er in prents w!o re o"er8prote(ti"e or

prents w!o re underprote(ti"e#

O"erprote(ti"e prents keep t!eir (!ildren dependent T!ey rein&or(e

dependent )e!"iors nd dis(our'e independent )e!"iors% smother t!eir (!ildren%

nd do not 'i"e t!eir (!ildren t!e &reedom or support to lern to )e sel&8su&S(ient#<nderprote(ti"e prents &il to tke (re o& t!eir (!ildren# 9rom "ery youn'

'e% t!eir (!ildren re on t!eir own in t!e world nd !"e to &un(tion t le"el

)eyond t!eir yers# Su(! (!ildren (n 'i"e t!e illusion o& )ein' utonomous% )ut in

&(t !"e stron' dependen(e needs#

We re )orn totlly dependent upon our prents# W!en our prents meet our

p!ysi(l needs.w!en t!ey &eed us% (lot!e us% nd keep us wrm.t!ey est)lis!

s&e )se &rom w!i(! we (n "enture into t!e world# T!ere is (ler de"elopmentl

pro(ess wit! two steps#

T=E STE2S TOWA3D * NDE2ENDENCE

1# Est)lis!in' s&e )se#

?% Mo"in' wy &rom t!is )se to )e(ome utonomous#

*& eit!er o& t!ese two steps is missin'% t!e person my de"elop Dependen(e

li&etrp#

*& you ne"er !d s&e )se% i& you ne"er were llowed to rest se(urely in t!t

dependent stte% t!en it is !rd &or you to mo"e towrd independen(e# ;ou lwyslon' &or t!t dependent stte# As C!ristine sys% T &eel like (!ild w!o is (tin' s

if * m n dult+ ;our (ompeten(e nd independen(e do not &eel rel to you.you

re witin' &or t!e )se to (ollpse#

Aside &rom pro"idin' s&e )se% our prents must 'rdully llow us to

mo"e wy &rom t!em towrd independen(e# T!ey must pro"ide us wit! ust

enou'! !elp# *t is deli(te )ln(e, t!ere (nnot )e too little or too mu(!#

9ortuntely% most prents &ll somew!ere in t!e middle% nd most (!ildren de"elop

norml de'ree o& utonomy# ut prents on eit!er extreme o&ten produ(e (!ildren

w!o de"elop Dependen(e li&etrps#

*n t!e )est o& ll possi)le worlds% our prents 'i"e us t!e &reedom to explore

t!e world% (ommuni(te t!t t!ey re t!ere i& we need t!em% pro"ide !elp w!en we

truly need it nd (on"ey trust in our )ility to su((eed on our own# T!ey 'i"e us t!e

s&ety nd prote(tion to &eel se(ure% nd t!e &reedom nd en(our'ement to 'o out

on our own#

T!e Dependen(e li&etrp is &ormed erly# 2rents w!o &il to meet t!e (!ild6s

dependen(e needs or w!o suppress t!e (!ild6s independen(e will pro))ly strt

doin' so erly in t!e (!ild6s li&e.usully )y t!e time t!e (!ild )e'ins to wlk# y

t!e time (!ild strts s(!ool% t!e li&etrp is pro))ly &irmly in pl(e# W!t we see

lter% &or exmple in doles(en(e% is simply t!e (ontinution o& pro(ess t!t

strted lon' )e&ore#

O3*G*NS *N O@E323OTECT*@ENESS

T!e most (ommon ori'in o& Dependen(e is prents w!o re o"erprote(ti"e T!is

ws t!e ori'in &or )ot! Mr'ret nd Willim#

T=E O3*G*NS O9 DE2ENDENCE *N O@E323OTECT*@ENESS

1# ;our prents re o"erprote(ti"e nd tret you s i& you r(

youn'er t!n you re#

?#;our prents mke your de(isions &or you#

#;our prents tke (re o& ll t!e detils o& your li&e so you ne"er

lern !ow to tke (re o& t!em yoursel&#

B#;our prents do your s(!oolwork &or you#

#;ou re 'i"en little or no responsi)ility#

#;ou re rrely prt &rom your prents nd !"e little sense o&

yoursel& s seprte person#

I9 ;our prents (riti(i4e your opinions nd (ompeten(e in e"erydy

tsks## W!en you undertke new tsks% your prents inter&ere )y 'i"in'

ex(essi"e d"i(e nd instru(tions#

J# ;our prents mke you &eel so s&e t!t you ne"er !"e serious

ree(tion or &ilure until you le"e !ome# 1I# ;our prents !"e mny

&ers nd lwys wrn you o& dn'ers#



1 1 H 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L $ 9 E

O"erprote(ti"eness usully in"ol"es two dimensions# T!e &irst is intrusive'ness.

T!e prent umps in nd does t!in's &or t!e (!ild )e&ore t!e (!ild !s (!n(e to

try lone# T!e prent mi'!t well !"e 'ood intentions, !e or s!e my wnt to mke

li&e esier &or t!e (!ild or spre t!e ( !ild t!e pin o& mkin' mistkes% ut w!en t!e

prent does e"eryt!in'% t!e (!ild ne"er !s t!e (!n(e to lern to &un(tion

(ompetently# W!en we try nd &il nd try 'in% we lern to mster spe(ts o& our

world# T!is is lernin'% nd% wit!out &irst!nd experien(e% little lernin' o((urs# All

we lern is t!t we must !"e our prent t!ere#

Willim6s (!ild!ood pro"ides typi(l exmple# =is &t!er ws o"er in"ol"ed#

W*LL*AMF VV as ver$ important to m$ fatfter that !o eU in school. 0henever I

ha! trou(le ith a pro(lem or assignment, he oul! !o it for me. 4e rote m$

papers an! !i! m$ science pro1ects.

You &no, I can5t remem(er a single aspect of m$ schoolor& that I

han!le! alone. Over an! over again, m$ father !i! the (ul& of m$ or&.

Despite ll !is &t!er6s ttention% )y t!e time !e entered unior !i'! s(!ool% Willim

ws only n "er'e student# =e did well on work done t !ome% su(! s ppers nd

proe(ts% )ut !e did not do well on tests# =e !d tremendous test nxiety# Teste were

t!e one t!in' t!t !e !d to &(e lone% E"en t!ou'! !is &t!er spent !ours wit! !im

t!e ni'!t )e&ore% (o(!in' !im% nd e"en t!ou'! !e ws intelli'ent% !e did poorly

on tests# =is poor test8tkin' )ility ws pro))ly t!e result o& )ein' so an?ious. As

time went on% !is 'rdes su&&ered# Willim de"eloped "iew o& !imsel& s poor

student w!o only did s well s !e did )e(use o& !is &t!er6s !elp#

W*LL*AMF V secretl$ thought of m$self as la$. 0h$ else oul!; let m$ father !o so

much of m$ or&H

=is &t!er ws deeply in"ol"ed in &r more t!n !is s(!oolwork# =e ws in"ol"ed in

Willim6s so(il li&e% t!leti(s% leisure rime% nd dy8to8dy (ti"ities# =is &t!er6s

presen(e permeate! Willim6s li&e# =e mde Willim6s de(isions# =e '"e 'uidn(e

nd dire(tion# *n lmost e"ery re o& li&e% Willim6s )ility to &un(tion on !is own

ws impired#

T!e se(ond dimension o& o"erprote(ti"eness o((urs w!en t!e prent

un!ermines t!e (!ild6s e&&orts to (t independently# T!e prent is (riti(l o& t!e

(!ild6s ud'ment nd )elittles t!e de(isions t!e (!ild mkes#

MA3GA3ETF #he statement < hear! most often from m$ mother as, "If onl$ $ou

ha! listene! tome." She as reaU$ into, "I tol! $ou so5s." #o this !a$ I still

feel that if I !on5t ta&e her a!vice, I5m going to fail.

Willim remem)ers tellin' !is &ttier on(e t!t !e wnted to write !istory essy

lone# =is &t!er pus!ed !is (!ir )(k )ruptly &rom t!e t)le nd sid% +9ine# $ust

don6t (ome (ryin' to me w!en you (n6t t!ink o& nyt!in' 'ood to sy#+

Willim6s &t!er )ltntly undermined !im# T!is ws pin&ul &or Willim, e"en

tody% !e is !ypersensiti"e to ny !int o& (riti(ism% prti(ulrly &rom ut!ority

&i'ures# =owe"er% wit! most prents w!o &oster dependen(e% t!e underminin'

pro(ess is more su)tle# Mr'ret6s mot!er rrely (riti(i4ed !er# On t!e (ontrry% s!e

ws supporti"e nd lo"in'# ut s!e !ersel& ws &er&ul womn nd )e(me

nxious w!ene"er Mr'ret le&t !er side# Mr'ret would sense !er mot!er6s

nxiety nd )e(ome nxious !ersel&# Like !er mot!er% s!e )e(me &rid o& t!e

world#

Mny o& our dependent ptients "iew t!e world s uns&e )e(use prent

ws ex(essi"ely worried )out dn'er# *n &ormin' !er du'!ter6s dependen(e%

Mr'ret6s mot!er lso pssed down !er @ulner)ility li&e8trp# +Don6t 'o-+ s!e

would sy# +Don6t 'o out% i& s too (old# ;ou6ll 'et si(k# Don6t 'o out% i& s too

dn'erous# Don6t 'o out% i& s too drk#+

As Mr'ret6s mot!er illustrtes% prents w!o &oster dependen(e in t!eir

(!ildren re not usully emotionlly depri"in'# T!eir pro)lem is not pro"idin' too

little lo"e or &&e(tion# uite t!e opposite% o"erprote(ti"e prents re o&ten "ery

lo"in' nd &&e(tionte# ut typi(lly t!ey re lso &ri'!tened% ner"ous% nxious% or

'orp!o)i(# T!ey my keep t!e (!ild ner t!em s prote(tion &rom t!eir own &ers

o& )ndonment, in doin' so% t!ey undermine t!e (!ild6s utonomy# T!ey re

&re7uently too inse(ure to 'i"e t!eir (!ildren sense o& se(urity# T!ey o&ten 'i"e

lo"e% )ut not t!e spe(i&i( kind o& support nd &reedom t!t is ne(essry6 &or (!ild

to )e(ome independent#

We !"e &ound t!t Dependen(e di&&ers &rom ot!er li&etrps in n interestin'

wy w!en t!e ori'in is o"erprote(ti"eness# Generlly% o"er8prote(ted ptients do not

!"e pin&ul memories# O&ten% t!eir im'es re o& n extremely s&e% se(ure &mily

en"ironment Mny dependent people were &ine s (!ildren% until t!ey !d to le"e

t!t se(ure &mily en"ironment nd del wit! t!e d"ersity% ree(tion% nd loneliness

o& t!e rel world#

Sometimes t!ese ptients6 erly memories re o& )ein' !eld )(k% prti(ulrlyi& t!e Dependen(e ws (om)ined wit! t!e @ulner)ility li&e8trp#



1 1 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L $ 9 E

MA3GA3ETF V remem(er once going to the (each at Ocean it$, an! I ante! to

sta$ out an! sim, I as simming in the ocean in ater over m$ hea!, an!

su!!enl$ m$ mother as there, loo&ing reall$ scare! an! sa$ing, "ome on

(ac&, it5s too !eep."

I remem(er telling her, "6o, I5m having fun, let me sim," (ut she &ept

insisting, "You5re going to !ron, it5s too !eep," until finall$ I got scare! too

en! sam (ac& in. 7fterar!s, I remem(er I felt !epresse!.

T!is memory (on"eys t!e sense o& w!t Mr'ret &elt s (!ild# S!e &elt

(onstri(ted% wit! !er mot!er lwys loomin' to prote(t !en +T!ere were so mny

times t!t * wnted to do somet!in' on my own% )ut my mom wouldn6t let me% so *'"e up nd &elt depressed &terwrds#+

W!en ptients w!o were o"erprote(ted s (!ildren 'enerte im'es in t!erpy%

o&ten t!ey re im'es o& smll (!ild in )i' world o& dults# Mr'ret sw n

im'e o& !ersel& s +little% surrounded )y ll t!ese tll people% ll t!ese 'rown8ups#+

Willim 'enerted n im'e o& !imsel& s (!ild% +sittin' on tiny (!ir% wit! my

&t!er p(in' )(k nd &ort! wit! 'int steps#+

O&ten t!e im'es (on"ey sense o& pssi"ity# *n Willim6s im'e o& !imsel& in

t!e (!ir% !e is writin' down w!t !is &t!er is syin'# Anot!er prominent t!eme is

t!e nxiety o& tryin' new t!in's# T!ese im'es (on"ey more pin% s e(! time t!e

person strts somet!in' new% !e or s!e &eels dependent nd in(ompetent#

O&ten t!e Dependen(e nd Su)u'tion li&etrps 'o to'et!er# Su)u'tion is n

e&&e(ti"e wy to keep person dependent# Willim6s &t!er su)u'ted !im# T!e

prent w!o is o"erprote(ti"e is o&ten o"er(ontrol!n'#

W*LL*AMF Sometimes I feel h&e I never shoul! ham (een an accountant. It as m$

father ho ante! it, not me. 4e ante! me to (e 4&e him.

Willim6s &t!er &or(ed !is own im'e onto !is (!ild% nd &or(ed Willim to &it it% no

mtter w!t !is nturl in(lintions mi'!t !"e )een# W!t Willim wnted ws o&

no importn(e% nd !e 'rdully lost !is sense o& sel&# =e on(e des(ri)ed !imsel& s

n empty !ole inside# *& you !"e no sense o& sel&% you re totlly dependent# T!ere

is n emptiness inside% nd t!e only wy to &ill it is to rely on someone else%

someone w!o !s sense o& sel&#

Enmes!ment o&ten ((ompnies o"erprote(ti"eness# +Enmes!ment+ nd

+&usion+ re&er to t!e sense t!t you nd not!er person !"e )e(ome like one *t is

!rd to tell w!ere your identity strts nd t!e ot!er person6s )e'ins# ot! Willim

nd Mr'ret re enmes!ed in t!eir &milies o& ori'in% wit! Willim t!e more

drmti( exmple# e(use Willim )elie"esthat he (nnot &un(tion in t!e world%

!e !s trou)le seprtin' &rom !is &mily &or e "en s!ort periods o& time# =e (nnot

'row up nd le"e !ome# =e !s &used sel&#

T!ere re mny dependent people% most in t!eir twenties% w!o re t t!e point

in t!eir li"es w!en t!ey s!ould )e )rekin' wy &rom !ome ut t!ey re still too

enmes!ed nd dependent on t!eir mot!er nd &t!er to le"e T!eir &riends !"e ll

'one o&& into seprte li"es% nd t!ey re still t !ome# T!eir sitution is usully

more di&&i(ult )e(use t!eir prents (ontinue to en(our'e t!eir dependen(e# T!eir

prents still 'i"e d"i(e )out e"eryt!in'% still impro"e upon ll t!eir de(isions% still

undermine t!eir ud'ment One mi'!t expe(t more women t!n men to !"e t!is

kind o& dependen(e# *n our (ulture% women aTe prote(ted more s (!ildren# ut% in

our experien(es wit! ptients% t!is !s not )een true# We see s mny dependent

men s women#

O3*G*NS *N <NDE323OTECTOTLNESS

<nderprote(ri"eness is t!e ot!er ori'in o& t!e li&etrp# T!is is t!e ori'in o& t!e

Counterdependent person# e(use t!ese prents re so wek nd ine&&e(tul% )eset

wit! t!eir own pro)lems% or simply )sent nd ne'le(t&ul% t!ey &il to pro"ide

de7ute 'uidn(e or prote(tion &or t!eir (!ildren# T!ese ptients !"e

(om)intion o& t!e Dependen(e nd Emotionl Depri"tion li&etrps# 9rom "ery

erly% t!e (!ild senses t!e l(k o& prote(tion nd &eels uns&e# T!e (!ild ne"er stops

lon'in' &or t!t dependent role#

T=E O3*G*NS O9 DE2ENDENCE *N < NDE323D* t(L*@ENESS

1# ;ou do not 'et enou'! pr(ti(l 'uidn(e or dire(tion &rom your

prents%

?#;ou !"e to mke de(isions lone )eyond your yers#

#;ou !"e to )e like n dult in your &mily% e"en w!en undernet!

you still &eel like (!ild#B# ;ou re expe(ted to do t!in's nd know t!in's t!t re o"er your

!ed#



1HI 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E T!is ws t!e

ori'in &or C!ristine#

C=3*ST*NEF 2$ mother as a!!icte! to alcohol an! prescription tren-uiU ers.

She coul! not ta&e care of herself, let alone ta&e care of me. 7n! m$ father

as never aroun!. 4e ha! his (u!!ies, his !u(s.

T!ere ws no one to 'i"e C!ristine t!e sense o& 'uidn(e nd prote(tion t!t s!e

needed# =er mot!er ws not stron' enou'! to tke (re o& !er% nd !er &t!er did

not (re enou'!#

C!ristine6s mot!er ws nxious% l(ked (on&iden(e% nd ws "ery dependent

!ersel&# S!e mde !er (!ild into !er prent% C!ristine ws +prenti&ied (!ild+ S!e

!d to )e(ome sel&8su&&i(ient to tke (re o& !ersel&an! !er mot!er% so s!e )e(me

(ompetent nd independent ut undernet! s!e did not &eel se(ure nd wis!ed &or

t!e norml dependen(e o& (!ild#

C!ristine 'rew up mkin' de(isions t!t were too mu(! &or (!ild to !ndle

S!e did not !"e t!e ud'ment or experien(e t!t were ne(essry#

C=3*ST*NEF V ala$s ha! the feehng that I as simming out of m$ !epth. I

ala$s ha! the feeling that m$ !ecisions eren5t goo! ones, that I ishe!

there as someone I coul! as&.

C!ildren su(! s t!is lon' &or someone upon w!om t!ey (n depend% to relie"e t!e

wei'!t o& responsi)ility# T!ey 7uestion t!eir de(isions% &eel lot o& nxiety )out

t!eir (ompeten(e% nd yet !"e no (!oi(e )ut to (ontinue mkin' t!em#

O&ten t!is yernin' is totlly out o& wreness# T!e (!ild is only wre o&

(!roni( nxiety% pressure% or &ti'ue.w!en t!e num)er o& responsi)ilities 'ets too

'ret or w!en t!e (!ild &eels &rudulent w!ile undertkin' di&&i(ult new tsk#

DE2ENDENCE AND *NT*MATE 3ELAT*ONS=*2S

T!e people upon w!om you depend (n in(lude prents% )rot!ers% sisters% &riends%

lo"ers% spouses% mentors% )osses% t!erpists% or ot!ers# T!e person upon w!om you

depend mi'!t e"en )e (!ild# ;ou mi'!t )e t!e dependent prent w!o mkes your

(!ild into your prent# Mr'ret is t!is wy wit! !er &i"e8yer8old du'!ter% $ill%

MA3GA3ET, V &no it soun!s strange, (ut m$ !aughter is one of m$ safe people. I can !o a lot of things ith <ill that I can5t !o alone, 4&e go to



T=E DE2ENDENCE L*9ET3A2 1 ? I

the supermar&et. I !m5t &no hat it is I thin& <iS coul! !o if something

happene!, (ut I stiU feel safer ith her tliere.

One reson Mr'ret strted t!erpy is t!t $ill strted kinder'rten% le"in'

Mr'ret strnded t !ome

DANGE3 S*GNALS *N T=E EA3L; STAGES O9 DAT*NG

;our Dependen(e li&etrp is )ound to pper in your romnti( reltion s!ips# ;ou re

drwn to lo"ers w!o &oster your dependen(e# T!is ensures t!t you will (ontinue

reen(tin' your (!ild!ood sitution% =ere re some wrnin' si'ns t!t your prtner

is tri''erin' your Dependen(e li&etrpF

DANGE3 S*GNALS * N 2OTENT*AL 2A3TNE3S

1# ;our prtner is like &t!erVmot!er &i'ure% w!o seems stron' nd

prote(ti"e#

?# =eVS!e seems to eno" tkin' (re o& you nd trets you like

(!ild#

# ;ou trust !isV!er ud'ment mu(! more t!n your own =eVS!e

mkes most o& t!e de(isions#

B# ;ou &ind t!t you lose your sense o& sel& round !im V!er.nd t!t

your li&e 'oes on !old w!en !eVs!e is not round## =eVS!e pys &or lmost e"eryt!in'% nd tkes (re o& most &inn8

(il re(ords#

B9 =eVS!e (riti(i4es your opinions% tste nd ( ompeten(e in e"erydy

tsks#

H# W!en you !"e new tsk to undertke% you lmost lwys sk

!isV!er d"i(e%+e"en i& !eVs!e !s no spe(il expertise in t!t relm#

# =eVS!e does lmost e"eryt!in' &or you.you !"e lmost no re8

sponsi)ility#

J# =eVS!e lmost ne"er seems &ri'!tened% inse(ure% or "ulner)le

)out !imV!ersel&#

*& t!is list des(ri)es your reltions!ip% t!en you re still li"in' in t!e dependent stte

o& your (!ild!ood# ;ou mi'!t note t!t ll t!e (!r(teristi(s o& your prtner% listed

)o"e% re (!r(teristi(s o& your prents lso#

Not!in' !s (!n'ed &or you# ;ou !"e mn'ed to prolon' your dependen(e into

your dult li&e# ;ou !"e &ew responsi)ilities% &ew worries% &ew (!llen'es# Alt!ou'!

t!is my seem to )e stis&(tory rrn'ement &or you% it is time &or you to (onsider

t!e pri(e you py to mintin your dependen(e# *t (osts you your will% your &reedom%

nd your pride# *t (osts you your "ery self.

S<33ENDE3*NG TO ;O<3 DE2ENDENCE L*9ET3A2

E"en i& you &ind prtner w!o would like to support your utonomy% t!ere re

pit&lls to "oid# ;ou (n twist !elt!y prtner until !e or s!e &its t!e s!pe o& your

Dependen(e li&etrp#

*n &(t% you tend to twist lmost ll your reltions!ips to &it your li&etrp# To

lesser extent% re you not lso dependent on your &riends Do you not mke yoursel&

dependent on strangers in (ertin situtions% w!ere strn'ers re ll t!t re

"il)le

T=E3A2*ST, #eU me hat happene! once $ou got to the grocer$ store.

MA3GA3ETF 0ell, the first thing I !i! as loo& for someone I coul! turn

to if I nee!e! help. #here as this oman shopping a little ahea! of me,

an! I thought she loo&e! nice, an! oul! ma$(e ta&e care of me if

things got reall$ (a!. T=E3A2*STF Is that usuall$ the first thing $ou !o,

loo&for someone to ta&e

care of $ouH

MA3GA3ETF Yes. I ma&e sure someone is there ho might help me, T=E3A2*STF

4ave $ou ever use! such a person to help $ouH MA3GA3ETF 6o. 6ever. have

never ha! to $et. 8ut $ou never &no.

T!e Dependen(e li&etrp (n lso in&luen(e t!e wy you ppro(! your o)# *t leds

you to "oid tkin' t!e responsi)ility nd inititi"e you need to 'et !ed#



=ere re t!e wys you mintin your Dependen(e li&etrp in work nd in lo"e#



T=E DE2ENDENCE <9ET3A2 1 H

DE2ENDENCE L*9ET3A2S

.9 ;ou turn to wiser or stron'er people ll t!e time &or d"i(e nd

'uidn(e#

?#;ou minimi4e your su((esses nd m'ni&y your s!ort(omin's#

#;ou "oid new (!llen'es on your own#

B#;ou do not mke your own de(isions#

#;ou do not tke (re o& your own &inn(il re(ords or de(isions#

#;ou li"e t!rou'! your prentsVprtner#

H#;ou re mu(! more dependent on your prents t!n most people

your 'e#

#;ou "oid )ein' lone or tr"elin' lone#

J#;ou !"e &ers nd p!o)is t!t you do not (on&ront#

1I# ;ou re 7uite i'nornt w!en it (omes to mny res o& pr(ti(l

&un(tionin' nd dily sur"i"l skills#

11# ;ou !"e not li"ed on your own &or ny si'ni&i(nt period o& rime#

*& you re counter!epen!ent, like C!ristine% you rein&or(e your li&etrp in ot!er

wys# ;ou s!pe t!in's so t!t you re lwys swimmin' out o& your dept!#

T=E S*GNS O9 CO<NTE3DE2ENDENCE

.9 ;ou ne"er seem to )e )le to turn to nyone &or 'uidn(e or d"i(e#

;ou !"e to do e"eryt!in' on your own#

?# ;ou re lwys tkin' on new (!llen'es nd (on&rontin' your

&ers% )ut you &eel under (onstnt pressure w!ile doin' it#

# ;our prtner is "ery dependent on you% nd you end up doin'

e"eryt!in' nd mkin' ll t!e de(isions#

;ou i'nore t!e prt o& you t!t wnts little health$ !epen!ence, t!t ust wnts to

stop (opin' &or w!ile nd rest# C!ristine6s im'ery expresses t!is yexru!' &or

norml dependen(eF

T=E3A2*STF 0hat image !o $ou seeH

C=3*ST*NEF I see m$self as a chil!. 2$ mother5s sitting on the couch, an!



1 ? 3 E * T M @ E N T $ N X ; O < 3 L * 9 E

aS I ant to !o is go across the room, sit !on, an! la$ m$ hea! in m$

mother5s lap.

C=ANG*NG ;O<3 DE2ENDENCE L*9ET3A2 =ere re t!e steps

to (!n'in' your li&etrpF

C=AwerNG DE2ENDENCE

1# <nderstnd your (!ild!ood dependen(e# 9eel t!e in(ompetentV dependent (!ild

inside o& you# J ?# List e"erydy situtions% tsks% responsi)ilities% nd

de(isions &or

w!i(! you depend on ot!er people 6 # List (!llen'es% (!n'es% or p!o)is t!t you

!"e "oided )e(use you re &rid o& t!em#

B# Systemti(lly &or(e yoursel& to t(kle e"erydy tsks nd de(i8

sions wit!out skin' &or !elp# Tke on (!llen'es or mke (!n'es you

!"e )een "oidin'# Strt wit! t!e esy tsks &irst

# W!en you su((eed t tsk on your own% tke (redit &or it Do not

minimi4e it# W!en you &il% do not 'i"e up# Keep tryin' until you mster

t!e tsk#

# 3e"iew pst reltions!ips nd (lri&y t!e ptterns o& dependen(e

t!t re(ur# List t!e li&etrps to "oid#

I9 A"oid stron'% o"erprote(ti"e prtners w!o 'enerte !i'! (!emis8 Jby.

. W!en you &ind prtner w!o will tret you s n e7ul% 'i"e t!eIreltions!ip (!n(e to work# Tke on your s!re o& resp)n8 Isi)ilties nd de(ision8mkin'% Y

J# Do not (omplin w!en your prtnerV)oss re&uses to !elp youIenou'!# Do not turn to !imV!er &or (onstnt d"i(e nd ressurn(e#

1I# Tke on new (!llen'es nd responsi)ilities t work% )ut do it

'rdully#

11# *& you re eounterdependent% (knowled'e your need &or 'uid8

n(e Ask ot!ers &or !elp# Do not tke on more (!llen'es t!n you (n

!ndle# <se your nxiety le"el s 'u'e o& !ow mu(! you re

(om&ort)le tkin' on#

. Un!erstan! Your hil!hoo! %epen!ence, @eel the IncompetentG%epen!ent

hil! Insi!e of You. ;ou must &irst understnd !ow you 'ot t!is wy# W!o

&ostered your dependen(e in (!ild!ood Ws it your mot!er% w!o ws &rid to

let you try t!in's on your own Ws it your &t!er% w!o (riti(i4ed t!e t!in's you

did wit!out !im Or per!ps you were t!e youn'est in t!e &mily nd were

))ied )y t!e rest# W!t ws it t!t !ppened to you

Explore your im'es o& (!ild!ood# 3emem)er% 'ood pl(e to strt is wit!

&eelin' o& dependen(e# Any time t!t you &eel your Dependen(e li&etrp in

your (urrent li&e (n ser"e s n opportunity &or n im'ery exer(ise# 9ind

7uiet pl(e to summon t!t &eelin' )(k#

MA3GA3ETF V ent to the mall ith 7nthon$ to practice controEng m$

. panic, an! he left me. 0e ere sitting on a (ench, an! I ante! to practice al&ing

aroun! the mall alone, an! I tol! him to ait at the (ench. I al&e! across to

i&e !rug store an! came (ac&, an! lie as gone. Right aa$ I starte! to panic,

an! I as running aroun! loo&ing for him. 0hen I foun! him, he as stan!ing

(ehin! a column, laughing at me. 4e as atching me the hole time an!

laughing. 4e thought it as funn$, 1ust a 1o&e. I coul! have &ille! him.

T=E3A2*STF lose $our e$es an! (ring that moment (ac& ith imager$.

MA3GA3ETF O&a$ Wcloses e$es). O&a$, I can see 2m, (e2n! the column, loo&ing

at me.

T=E3A2*STF 0hat are $ou feelingH

MA3GA3ETF Li&e I ala$s !o. Li&e I hate him, (ut at the same time I5m

so relieve! he5s there. T=E3A2*STF 6o give me an image of hen $ou felt

this a$ (efore, as

a chil!.

MA3GA3ETF Dause.) O&a$. I can remem(er stan!ing at the !oor of m$ house. 2$

mother an! father are a(out to go out for the night, an! the$ are leaving me

ith Lisa, the (a($'sitter. I5m atching them leave, cr$ing, an! (egging them

not to go. Lisa is tr$ing to pull me (ac& into the house, an! m$ parents are

going out the front !oor an! !on the steps. 2$ mother turns (ac& an! gives

me this orrie! loo&.

T!is im'e re&le(ts !ow t!e Dependen(e nd A)ndonment li&etrps work to'et!er#

Ot!er e"ents (n ser"e s sour(es o& im'ery# Willim told us )out drem !e

!d t!t (ptured t!e dependen(e o& !is (!ild!ood# =e ws tlkin' )out !ow



1 ? B 3 E * T M @ E N T $ N X ; O < 3 L * 9 E

&ri'!tened it mde !im to t!ink o& )rekin' up wit! Crol% nd !e remem)ered t!is

drem#



1? 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

W*LL*AMF V as al&ing up the stairs ith m$ parents. 2$ parents ere al&ing,

hol!ing m$ han! on either si!e of me. I as a little (o$. 8ut then the$ ere

letting go of m$ han! an! moving am$, an! the stairs starte! getting steeper

an! steeper, an! tos having trou(le clim(ing them alone.

W!en you !"e n im'e% try to remem)er w!t you &elt s (!ild# T!t (!ild is

still li"e in you# *t is &ri'!tened (!ild# Try to (om&ort t!t (!ild# En(our'e t!t

(!ild# Support t!t (!ild6s e&&orts to t(kle t!in's lone T!e dependent (!ild wit!in

you needs (ertin type o& !elp t!t you can 'i"e# Lern to support your own

e&&orts to mo"e towrd independen(e#

+. List Ever$!a$ Situations, #as&s, Responsi(ilities, an! %ecisions for 0hich You

%epen! on Other Deople. Mke expli(it t!e extent o& your dependen(e# T!is will

'i"e you more o)e(ti"e "iew# 9or exmple% !ere is list Willim mde in

re&eren(e to !is dependen(e on !is prents#

WA@S * DE2END ON M @ 2A3ENTS

1#2ro"ide me wit! pl(e to li"e#

?#2ro"ide me wit! o)#

#Get my (r &ixed#

B#Mels#

#Lundry#

#*n"estin' my money#

H#2lnnin' "(tions#

#2lnnin' !olidys#

;our list is )lueprint o& w!t you !"e to mster# T!ese re t!e tsks o& li&e% ndlmost e"eryone (n do t!em#

J. List hallenges, hanges, or Dho(ias #hat You 4ave 7voi!e! 8ecause You 7re

7frai! of #hem. List (!llen'es you !"e "oided# Some will )e relti"ely esy%

w!ile ot!ers will )e di&&i(ult# =ere is list Mr'ret (omposed wit! us#



T=E DE2ENDENCE L9ET3A2 1 HH

TASKS * =A@E A@O*DED

1#ein' more sserti"e wit! Ant!ony#

?#3idin' t!e su)wy#

#Goin' s!oppin' lone

B#Styin' !ome lone#

#Dri"in' on t!e !i'!wy#

#Goin' to mo"ie wit! Ant!ony#

H#Goin' out dn(in' wit! Ant!ony#

#Goin' out to lun(! wit! 'irl&riends#

J# Goin' to see lwyer )out options &or endin' t!e mrri'e# 1I# Tlkin' to

Ant!ony )out mrri'e (ounselin'#

Try to in(lude items &rom ll sp!eres o& your li&e Mr'ret did not !"e o) w!en

s!e &irst (me into t!erpy.t!is ws somet!in' s!e t(kled mu(! lter# ut your

list s!ould in(lude items )out work# 9or exmple% one spe(t o& Willim6s o) t!t

we ddressed in t!erpy ws !is tenden(y to run to !is &t!er w!ene"er !e !d e"en

t!e sli'!test 7uestion or dou)t )out !ow to do somet!in'# /As you will remem)er%

!is &t!er is !is )oss t t!e ((ountin' &irm#0 Willim !d to lern to tolerte t!enxiety nd sol"e pro)lems !imsel&# =e mde mistkes t &irst )ut !e impro"ed nd

'rdully took on more responsi)ility# A&ter )out yer% !e le&t !is &t!er6s &irm nd

took o) elsew!ere T!is ws &ter (onsider)le stru''le nd e&&ort on !is prt t!t

slowly )uilt !is (on&iden(e

K. S$stematicall$ @orce Yourself to #ac&le Ever$!a$ #as&s an! %ecisions 0ithout

7s&ing for 4elp. #a&e on hallenges or 2a&e hanges You 4ave 8een 7voi!ing.

Start ith the Eas$ #as&s @irst, <se t!e two lists you !"e ust (onstru(ted to mp

out pln &or yoursel&# Sit down nd rte !ow di&&i(ult e(! item would )e &or you

to (omplete% usin' t!e &ollowin' s(le

SCALE O9 D*99*C<LT;

I @ery Esy

? Mildly Di&&i(ult

4 Modertely Di&&i(ult

@ery Di&&i(ult

9eels Almost *mpossi)le



e'in wit! t!e esy items# Mke sure t!t you !"e in(luded items t!t will )e

relti"ely esy &or you to (omplete# *n ddition% it is importnt to do lot o&

plnnin' )e&ore you (tully ttempt n item% e"en n esy one# We wnt you to )e

redy#

T!e &irst item Mr'ret (!ose ws 'oin' s!oppin' lone# S!e de(ided to 'o to

t!e 'ro(ery store# We spent lon' time tlkin' )out !ow s!e would !ndle

di&&erent s(enrios# *& s!e strted to pni(% s!e would do deep8)ret!in' exer(ises to

(ontrol !er p!ysi(l symptoms# *& s!e strted !"in' (tstrop!i( t!ou'!ts% s!e

would (!llen'e nd (orre(t t!em# *& s!e wnted to run out% s!e would tell !ersel&

t!t s!e (ould !ndle t!e sitution wit!out runnin'% nd s!e would sty# Exminee"ery possi)ility% nd pln w!t you would do i& it o((urred#

;ou mi'!t wnt to do se"erl items t t!e sme le"el o& di&&i(ulty )e&ore you

mo"e on to more di&&i(ult item# *& you need to% dd to your list Mr'ret dded

num)er o& le"el ( items to !er list )e&ore mo"in' to le"el 4J 'oin' to n

un(rowded deprtment store lone% exer(isin'% )ln(in' t!e (!e(k)ook# We wnt

you to &eel t!t you !"e ttined le"el o& mstery )e&ore 'oin' onto more

di&&i(ult tsks# We wnt you to &eel t!t you re )uildin' mstery nd (ompeten(e in

systemti( &s!ion# We wnt you to &eel sense o&contra;.

=. 0iien You Succee! at a #as& on Your On, #a&e re!it for It. %o 6ot 2inimie

It. 0hen You @ail, %o 6ot Five Up. :eep #r$ing Until You

tsks i "oiddi&&i(ultyle"el1# ein' more sserti"e wit!

Ant!ony#?# 3idin' t!e su)wy## Goin' s!oppin'

lone#B# Styin' !ome lone## Dri"in' on t!e

!i'!wy#B# Goin' to mo"ie wit! Ant!ony#H# Goin'out dn(in' wit! Ant!ony#H# Goin' out to lun(! wit!

'irl&riends#J# Goin' to see lwyer )out options &or

endin' t!emrri'e#H1I# Tlkin' to Ant!ony )out

mrri'e (ounselin'#

1H 3ein "en tin' ;our Li&e 9or

exmple% Mr'ret rted t!e items on !er list

s &ollows#8



T=E DE2ENDENCE L*9ET3A2 1?

2aster the #as&. *t is importnt to 'i"e yoursel& (redit w!en you !"e erned it# ;ou

my !"e tenden(y to &eel t!t you do not deser"e (redit )e(use you shoul! )e)le to do t!ese t!in's lredy# W!en Mr'ret su((ess&ully (ompleted !er &irst

item% 'oin' to t!e 'ro(ery store lone% s!e expressed t!is &eelin'F

MA3GA3ETF V !i!n5t feel too goo! a(out it reall$. 7fter a;L e"eryone goes

to the grocer$ store. 0hat5s the (ig !eal reall$H T=E3A2*STF 8ut to someone

ith panic attac&s, going to the grocer$ store

is a (ig !eal.

e relisti( w!en you pprise !ow (ompetently you (ompleted n item# T!ere will

)e some t!in's you did well%#nd some t!in's you did not do well# Try to re(o'ni4e

your (!ie"ements nd lem &rom your mistkes#

;ou my !"e t!e tenden(y to (riti(i4e yoursel& i& you !d (riti(l prent# *&

you strt to dispr'e yoursel&% stop# Support yoursel& insted# T!is is prt o& t!e

nurturin' o& yoursel& t!t you must lern to do# *t en)les you to mo"e on% e"en i&

you re not per&e(t% to keep stren't!enin' yoursel& nd to )uild your (ompeten(e#

N. Revie Dast Relationships an! larif$ tfie Datterns of %epen!ence #hat Recur.

List the Lifetraps to 7voi! Mke list o& t!e people w!o !"e )een most importnt

in your li&e# *n(lude your &mily% &riends% lo"ers% te(!ers% )osses% nd (oworkers#

Look t e(! reltions!ip in turn# Look t your dependen(e W!t ws it )out t!t

person% nd w!t ws it in your )e!"ior% t!t &ostered your dependen(e W!t ret!e li&etrps &or you to "oid

=ere is t!e list t!t Mr'ret mdeF

DE2ENDENCE L*9ET3A2S

1#A(tin' like (!ild insted o& n dult#

?#Styin' wit! people no mtter !ow t!ey tret me#

#A(tin' (lin'y#

B#2i(kin' people w!o like to tke o"er my li&e nd tke (re o& me#

#Gi"in' up my old li&e to )e wit! some)ody# Li"in' t!eir li&e insted

o& my own#

# Not mkin' my own de(isions#

H# Not mkin' my own money#

# Not pus!in' mysel& to see w!t * (n (!ie"e#

T!is is list o& w!t my !"e 'one wron' in your reltions!ips# y )ein' wre o&

your li&etrps% you (n strt to (orre(t t!em#

Mr'ret did t!is in !er reltions!ip wit! us# Wit! our support% s!e ws )le to

)e(ome stron'er in our reltions!ip nd ssert !ersel&# *t s!owed us on(e 'in !ow

one reltions!ip (n !elp !el person# Assertin' !ersel& wit! us mo)ili4edMr'ret to ssert !ersel& wit! Ant!ony# On(e s!e sw w!t it ws like to )e

utonomous in reltions!ip% s!e did not wnt to 'o )(k# ;ou will not wnt to 'o

)(k eit!er# *t is relie& nd plesure to 'i"e up t!e despertion o& dependen(e &or

t!e (lm nd stren't! o& independent &un(tionin'# As Mr'ret sid% +*t &eels 'ood

not to need !im so )dly#+

H# 7voi! Strong, Overprotective Dartners 0ho Fenerate 4igh hemistr$.

T!is is t!t tri(ky prin(iple."oid t!e "ery prtners to w!om you re

most ttr(ted# 3emem)er% t!e (!emistry is usully !i'!est wit! prtners

w!o tri''er your li&etrp# ;ou re undou)tedly prone to &llin' &or prtners

w!o like to dominte nd prote(t you# ;ou re pro))ly most ttr(ted to

prtners w!o en(our'e you to (ollpse into your dependent role#

T!ere ws !i'! de'ree o& (!emistry in t!e reltions!ip )etween Mr'ret

nd Ant!ony# T!ey were per&e(tly mt(!ed &or tri''erin' li&e8trps# T!rou'!

t!erpy% Mr'ret dred to )e(ome more sserti"e in t!e reltions!ip# S!e )e(me

more )le to stnd on !er own% nd so no lon'er &ered losin' !im more t!n

nyt!in' else#

MA3GA3ETF #he onl$ a$ DS sta$ ith 7nthon$ no is if he changes. I can5t 1ust

allo him to treat me (a!f$. I5! rather (e alone than continue (eing a(use! ($

2m.

W!en Ant!ony sw t!t !e relly mi'!t lose Mr'ret% !e 'reed to enter t!erpy#

As is typi(l o& most nr(issists% t!e t!ret o& )ndonment moti"ted !im to

(!n'e# As o& t!is writin'% t!ey re workin' in t!erpy to (rete t!eir reltions!ip



T=E DE2ENDENCE L*9ET3A2 1?J

new in wy t!t stis&ies )ot! o& t!em# W!et!er or not t!ey re su((ess&ul s

(ouple% Mr'ret !s (!osen to 'i"e up t!e trp o& Dependen(e#

. 0hen You @in! a Dartner 0ho 0ill #reat You as an E-ual, Five the

Relationship a hance to 0or&. #a&e on Your Share of Responsi(ilities an!

%ecision'2a&ing. ;ou my &ind t!ere is little (!emistry wit! prtners w!o

&oster independen(e nd utonomy% or t!t t!e (!emistry &des wit! time#

We were (on"in(ed t!t t!e reson Willim &elt so &ew &ireworks in !is

reltions!ip wit! Crol ws t!t s!e (!llen'ed !is dependen(e# ;ou mi'!t &ind t!t

it is wort! tryin' to 'i"e su(! reltions!ips (!n(e# *& you on(e &elt (!emistry wit!

t!is prtner.i& t!ere ws some period% my)e t t!e )e'innin'% w!en you were

ttr(ted.t!e (!emistry mi'!t (ome )(k s you 'row more (on&ident

W!en you &ind prtner w!o wnts you to stnd on your own% try to mke t!e

reltions!ip work# 3esist underminin' t!e reltions!ip# W!en Willim &irst strted

dtin' Crol% !e ws ttr(ted to !er# ut it soon )e(me pprent t!t Crol ws

resistin' Willim6s e&&orts to turn !imsel& into (!ild in t!e reltions!ip% nd to turn

!er into prent# S!e wnted !im to )e stron'# S!e wnted peer% (ompnion# S!e

re&used to tke o"er !is li&e# As time went on% Willim6s ttr(tion &ded# =e )e'n

tellin' us t!t s!e ust ws not ri'!t &or !im% t!t !e ws not in lo"e wit! !er nd

ws more interested in ot!er women#

Wit! our en(our'ement Willim styed wit! Crol =e 'rdully took on more

responsi)ility &or !is li&e# =e mo"ed into !is own prtment took o) t not!er

&irm% strted mn'in' !is own money% )uyin' !is mels% nd plnnin' !is time# As

!e 'rew more (om&ort)le wit! t!ese new8roles% !is ttr(tion to Crol returned# =e

ws )le to restore mu(! o& t!e (!emistry !e !d lost#

*. %o 6ot omplain 0hen Your Dartner 18oss Refuses to 4elp You, Enough. %o 6ot

#urn to 4imG4er for onstant 7!vice an! Reassurance. T!is d"i(e is &or entitled

Dependents# ;ou must reli4e t!t people do not owe it to you to tke (re o& you#

2eople !"e ri'!t to expe(t you to tke (re o& yoursel&# 3i'!t now% your &irst

impulse t work w!en you &(e pro)lem is to run &or !elp# ;ou pro))ly do not

e"en try to sol"e t!e pro)lem yoursel&# We wnt your response to )e to try it on your

own &irst# *& you try !rd% i& you truly do your )est to sol"e t!e pro)lem% nd you

still (nnot do it% then sk &or !elp#

W*LL*AMF 0hen as learning the computer s$stem that han!le! our accounts, I

oul! go to m$ father ever$ time I ha! a -uestion. 4e oul! get ma! at me,

(ut he oul! tell me the anser. I never even trie! to use the manual.

8ut once I starte! tr$ing to learn it, once I starte! tr$ing to un!erstan!

the manual, I foun! I coul! !o it. I rarel$ go to him ith -uestions an$more,

an! hen I !o, he often has trou(le ansering them himself

W!en you )y t!in's on your own% you will !"e t!e ur'e to seek ressurn(e t!t

your ppro(! is ri'!t# Seekin' ressurn(e is like dru' &or you.it trn7uili4es

your nxiety )out &un(tionin' lone# ;ou need to wit!drw &rom t!is dru'# ;ou

need to tolerte t!e nxiety o& &un(tionin' lone# T!e nxiety will pss# ="e &it!.

t!ere will (ome time w!en you will &un(tion lone wit! miniml nxiety#

T. #a&e On 6e hallenges an! Responsi(ilities at 0or&, (ut %o It Fra!u'

all$. Expnd your skills t work s$stematicall$' Do not set yoursel& up to

&il.do not tke on too mu(! t on(e# Sty in (ontrol o& t!e pro(ess o& your

'rowt!#

;ou (n use n ppro(! tike t!e one we des(ri)ed )o"e% w!i(! Mr'ret

used to o"er(ome !er &ers# Mke list o& t!e responsi)ilities t work t!t you !"e

)een "oidin'# *n(lude )ot! solitry tsks nd inter8personlly oriented items%

rn'in' &rom esy to di&&i(ult# 3te t!e di&&i(ulty o& e(! tsk on I to s(le% wit!

I )ein' not t ll di&&i(ult% nd )ein' s di&&i(ult s you (n im'ine# Strt wit! t!e

tsks you rted lowest# Do t!ese tsks 'in nd 'in until you re (om&ort)le

wit! t!t le"el o& di&&i(ulty# Attin sense o& mstery )e&ore you mo"e to !i'!er

items on t!e list#

*& you &ind t!t you (nnot (omplete e"en t!e items you rted lowest% it is

)e(use e"en t!e lowest items re too !rd# Come up wit! esier items# We !"e

&ound t!t e"en t!e most dependent people (n (ome up wit! some items t!ey &eelt!ey (n (omplete esily%

. If You 7re ounter!epen!ettt, 7c&nole!ge Your 6ee! for Fui!ance.

7s& Others for 4elp. %o 6ot #a&e On 2ore hallenges #han You an

4an!le. Use Your 7n?iet$ Level as a Fauge of 4o 2uch You 7re omfort'

a(le #a&ing On. T!ere is syin' in psy(!ot!erpyF +*t is t!e reltions!ip



T=E DE2ENDENCE L*9ET3A2 1I

t!t !els#+ Wit! C!ristine% t!is seemed to )e t!e (se# Our reltions!ip

!elped !el !er# We )e(me t!e &irst people &rom w!om s!e ((epted !elp#S!e llowed !ersel& to )e "ulner)le wit! us# S!e s!red t!e prt o& !ersel&

t!t is wek nd un(ertin% t!e dm'ed nd o"ertxed (!ild wit!in# T!is

mde !er extremely nxious t &irst# ut &ter ssessin' t!t s!e (ould

trust us% s!e took risk nd mde !ersel& dependent# We nurtured nd

supported t!t !elt!y% dependent prt o& !er% nd C!ristine lerned to

nurture t!t prt o& !ersel& wit! im'ery exer(ises#

T=E3A2*STF 0hat image !o $ou seeH

C=3*ST*NEF I see m$self as a chil!, ma$(e eight $ears ol!. I5m in m$ tiving room.

2$ mother is l$ing on the couch, half passe! out atching soaps.

I5m fr$ing to iron the clothes I5m earing to school (ecause one of the

&i!s ma!e fun of me (ecause m$ clothes ere rin&le! T=E3A2*STF V ant

$ou to (ring $ourself info the image as an a!ult an!

interce!e to &elp that chil!. C=3*ST*NEF #hat5s har! for me to !o. I !on5t

&no hat to sa$. I guess I

oul! sa$, "4ere, III sho $ou ho to iron, it5s not so har!. I5m sorr$

that $ou have to !o ever$thing $ourself. I &no it5s too much for $ou.

8ut I5m here for $ou hen the going gets tough. You can come to me

hen $ou nee! help."

C!ristine 'rdully llowed !ersel& to turn to ot!er people &or !elp# *& t!ere is

someone in your li&e t!t you would like to trust in t!is wy% mke sure it is

persoryw!o is wort!y o& your trust Do not pi(k your prtners &oolis!ly# Do not pi(k

people unless you re (on&ident t!ey will )e t!ere &or you w!en you need t!em#

C!ristine !d to (!n'e t!e type o& mn s!e typi(lly pursued# S!e !d )een drwn

to wek% &r'ile men w!o o&ten were su)stn(e )users# C!n'in' your Dependen(e

li&etrp my re7uire P pro&ound s!i&t in t!e wy you (!oose romnti( prtners#

T!e ot!er spe(t o& (!n'in' your li&etrp is 'inin' (ontrol o"er !ow mu(!

you tke on in li&e We wnt you to regulate !ow mu(! you tke on t !ome% t work%

in t!e (ommunity% nd wit! &riends# <se your nxiety le"el s 'u'e W!en your

nxiety (lim)s )o"e (om&ort)le le"els% you !"e tken on too mu(!% nd you must

let 'o o& some responsi)ilities# 9or exmple% w!en C!ristine &eels o"erly nxious

wit! &riend or (oworker% s!e "iews it s si'n t!t s!e is too in"ol"ed in tryin' to

!elp nd 'i"e d"i(e to t!t person# S!e steps )(k nd &o(uses on !er own li&e#

C!ristine expressed w!t s!e 'ined &rom tretment

C=3*ST*NEF I feel h&e it as a matter of (ringing some (alance into m$ life, so

that I ta&e care of other people an! the$ ta&e care of me, I never ha! that

(efore. Ifeel calmer no, li&e I5m not ala$s struggling out of m$ !epth,

SOME 9*NAL WO3DS

T!e ourney out o& t!e Dependen(e li&etrp is mo"ement &rom (!ild!ood to

dult!ood# *t is trdin' o& &er nd "oidn(e &or sense o& mstery. &or t!e sense

you (n &un(tion independently in t!e world# Gi"e up t!e ex!ustin' stru''le to 'et

people to tke (re o& you# Lern to tke (re o& yoursel&# Lern to )elie"e in your

on )ility to (ope )y msterin' t!e tsks o& li&e#

11"C ATASTROPHE IS ABOUT TO S TRIKE"

THE VULNERABILITY LIFETRAP



T=E DE2ENDENCE L*9ET3A2 11

3 OE3TF T=*3T;8ONE ;EA3S OLD# S<99E3S 93OM 2AN*C ATTACKS#

3o)ert is "isi)ly upset w!en !e wlks into our o&&i(e# =e (n )rely sit still to tell

us w!t is wron'#

3OE3TF Vreall$ !on5t &no if this is here I (elong, (ut I5ve (een fol! to come here. I5ve

(een going from !octor to !octor, an! no one can fin! hat5s rong ith me. #he$

&eep telling me it5s an?iet$, that I nee! to see a shrin&.

T=E3A2*STF 0hat !o $ou thin&H

3OE3TF V thin& there reall$ is something ph$sicall$ rong ith me. #he$ 1ust haven5t

foun! it $et.

3o)ert !s )een !"in' pni( tt(ks#

3OE3TF Usuall$ ho it goes is that all of a su!!en, out of the (lue, this feeling comes

over me. It5s li&e a feeling of !oom. I get !i$ an! light'hea!e! an!feel 4&e I can5t

(reathe. 2$ heart starts poun!ing. 7n! ever$thing feels unreal

T=E3A2*STF 0hat !oes it feel h&e to $ouH 0hat !o$ou thin& ishappemngH

3OE3TF VV feels li&e I5m having a nervous (rea&!on. Li&e I5m going to go cra$

on the spot.

Ot!er tiroes 3o)ert )elie"es t!t !e !s )rin tumor or !ert pro)lem#

3OE3TF @or a long time I oul! run to the emergenc$ room ever$ time it

happene!. I thought I as having a heart attac& or (rain aneur$sm or

something. #hose ere the orst ones. I reaU$ thought I as !$ing.

T=E3A2*STF So $ou !on5t thin& that an$moreH

3OE3TF 0ei, sometimes I still !o. Sometimes I get tins funn$ pressure in m$ hea!

an! I get scare! that it5s an aneur$sm. 8ut I5ve prett$ much learne! that I5m

going to (e all right, that I5m not going to !ie. I mean, it5s happene! so man$

times. It has to (e a reall$ (a! one no for me to (elieve I5m !$ing. 2ostl$ I

orr$ no a(out losing m$ min!.

T=E3A2*STF 0hat !o $ou mean ($ "losing m$ min!"H

3OE3TF Su!!enl$ #i start screaming or raving or hearing voices, an! it ill

never stop.

W!en we sk 3o)ert i& ny o& t!ese t!in's !"e e"er !ppened% !e tells us +no#+ =e

is ust &rid t!t t!ey re going to !ppen#

=EAT=E3 F 9O3T;8TWO ;EA3S OLD# =E3 9EA3S A3E CA<S*NG =E3 MA3*TAL 23OLEMS #

=et!er (omes to t!erpy wit! !er !us)nd% Wlt W!en we sk t!em w!t t!e

pro)lem is% t!ey tell us =et!er !s p!o)is#

WALTF She on5t do an$thing. 0e can5t go on vacation (ecause she won6t get on

the plane, an! she won6t go in the ater, an! she won6t get in the elevator. 0e

can5t go info the cit$ on a ee&en! night (ecause it5s too !angerous. 7n!

(esi!es, e can5t spen! the mone$ (ecause e have to save ever$ cent. Living

ith her is li&e Uving tn prison. If5s !riving me cra$;

=et!er 'rees t!t !er p!o)is pl(e lot o& restri(tions on t!eir (ti"ities# ut s!e

resents )ein' pus!ed to do t!in's#

=EAT=E3F I prefer to spen! m$ time aroun! the house. It on5t (e fun for me to !o

the things he ants. 0hat &in! of vacation oul! it (e for me if I ha! to spen!

the hole time orr$ing a(out the plane trip (ac& or the trips up in theelevatorH Or if I ha! to spen! the hole evening in the cit$ orr$ing a(out

getting mugge!H I oul! rather not go;

O"er t!e yers =et!er6s &ers !"e 'rown worse% nd t!ey !"e )e(ome n

in(resin' sour(e o& (on&li(t in !er mrri'e#



T=E DE2ENDENCE L*9ET3A2 1?

T=E @<LNE3A*L*T; <EST*ONNA*3E

T!is 7uestionnire will mesure t!e stren't! o& your @ulner)ility li&etrp# Answer

t!e items usin' t!e &ollowin' s(leF

SCO3*NG K E;





Mostly true o& me


*& you !"e ny 6s or s on t!is 7uestionnire% t!is li&etrp my still pply to

you% e"en i& your s(ore is in t!e low rn'e

S*&$E DESC3*2T*ON

1# * (nnot es(pe t!e &eelin' t!t somet!in' )d is )out to

!ppen

?# * &eel t!t (tstrop!e (n strike t ny moment

# * worry )out )e(omin' street person or "'rnt

B# * worry lot )out )ein' tt(ked )y (riminl% mu''er%t!ie&% et(#

# * worry )out 'ettin' serious illness% e"en t!ou'! rot!in'

!s )een di'nosed )y p!ysi(in#

#1 m too nxious to tr"el lone on plnes% trins% et(

H#1 !"e nxiety tt(ks#

# * m "ery wre o& p!ysi(l senstions in my )ody% nd *

worry )out w!t t!ey men#

1I81J @ery6 low# T!is li&etrp pro))ly does not pply to you# ?I8?J 9irly low#




T=E E>2E3*ENCE O9 T$LNE3A*L*T;

T!e primry &eelin' sso(ited wit! t!e @ulner)ility li&etrp isan?iet$. Ctstrop!e

is )out to strike% nd you l(k t!e resour(es to del wit! it# T!is li&etrp is two8

pron'edF ;ou )ot! ex''erte t!e risk o& dn'er nd minimi4e your own (p(ity to

(ope#

0hat you &er "ries dependin' upon t!e type o& t!e li&etrp# T!ere re &our

types o& @ulner)ility# ;ou (n )e more t!n one type#

T;2ES O9 @<LNE3A*L*T;

1#=elt! nd *llness?#Dn'er

#2o"erty

B#Losin' Control

J# * worry * will lose (ontrol o& mysel& in pu)li( or 'o(r4y#1I# * worry lot )out losin' ll my money or'oin' )roke#;O<3 TOTAL @<LNE3#6@*L*T;SCO3E /Add your s(ores to'et!er &or 7uestions 181I0

interpretw7 your

@<LNE3A*L*T; s(ore

http://tjlnerability/

http://tjlnerability/




5 =EALT= AND *LLNESS Q

*& you )elon' to t!e =elt! nd illness type o& @ulner)ility you my )e

!ypo(!ondri(# ;ou worry o)sessi"ely )out your !elt!# Despite t!e &(t t!t

p!ysi(ins keep tellin' you not!in' is seriously wron'% you re (on"in(ed you re

ill% t!t you !"e A*DS% (n(er% multiple s(lerosis% or some ot!er dred disese#

Most people w!o !"e pni( tt(ks )elon' to t!is type# ;ou (onstntly s(n

your )ody &or si'ns t!t somet!in' is wron'# ;ou re sensi tie! to your )ody# Any

strn'e senstion% no mtter !ow nturlly (used% (n tri''er pni(# =ot wet!er%

(old wet!er% exer(ise% n'er% ex(itement (&&eine% l(o!ol% medi(tion% sex% !ei'!ts%

motion.ll (n (use senstions t!t tri''er pni( tt(k#

3OE3TF V ha! a (a! panic $ester!a$, out of the (lue. as on the train,

fust sitting there rea!ing a magaine.

T=E3A2*STF 0hat ere $ou rea!ing a(outH

3OE3TF <ust this article. I !on5t remem(er.

T=E3A2*STF 0hat e?actl$ ere $ou thin&ing a(out hen the attac& (eganH

3OE3TF 7ctuall$ I as thin&ing a(out Dar&inson5s !isease. I as noticing

that m$ han! as trem(ling hol!ing the magaine, an! I as thin&ing,

"0hat if I ha! Dar&inson5s !iseaseH"

T!ese re t!e &mous words o& pni(kerF"0hat if."

;ou re !yper"i'ilnt to nyt!in' in your en"ironment t!t is rele"nt to t!e

possi)ility o& illness# ;ou my red e"eryt!in' you (n 'et on t!e su)e(t% or you

my "oid ny mention o& illness entirely# Similrly% you my run to t!e do(tor

(ontinuously% or you my "oid do(tors lto'et!er )e(use you re &rid o& &indin'

out t!t somet!in' is wron'# Eit!er wy% you re (onstntly preo((upied wit!

t!ou'!ts o& illnessF

;ou my "oid (ti"ities t!t 'i"e rise to pni(# 3o)ert ws "oidin' ll &orms

o& exer(ise% in(ludin' sex% w!en !e &irst (me to t!erpy# T!e senstions mde !im

too nxious.t!ey were too similr to pni(# =e !d 'i"en up plyin' tennis% w!i(!

!e lo"es# y tryin' to Es(pe !is @ulner)ility li&etrp% 3o)ert ws puttin' serious

dent in !is li&estyle#

*t is possi)le t!t you !"e t!is li&etrp )e(use you (tully re p!ysi(lly

&ril# 2er!ps you were si(k lot s (!ild% so now you !"e n ex''erted &er o&

si(kness# Or per!ps you !d prent w!o ws si(k# =owe"er% in order to 7uli&y6

&or t!is li&etrp% your &ers must )e ex(essi"e nd unrelisti(in the present.

Q DANGE3 U

*& you &it t!is type% you !"e n ex''erted (on(ern &or your personl s&ety nd

t!e s&ety o& your lo"ed ones# ;ou see t!e world s &ru'!t wit! dn'er t e"ery turn

WALT, She sits home at night rea!ing all the crime stories in the nespaper. She

on5t even go out onto our on !rivea$ at night.=EAT=E3, It5s realt$ !ar& on our !rivea$. I !on5t 4&e to go out at night.

WALTF 0e have i&is reall$ e?pensive (urglar alarm s$stem, hich she ma!e me get,

(ut she still orries a(out people (rea&ing in.

=EAT=E3F Deople ho &no hat the$5re !oing can get ($ (urglar alarms. I &eep

telling him to put in!o (ars on all the !onstairs in!os (ut he on5t

listen to me.

WALTF It5s ri!iculous; 0e live in a safe neigh(orhoo!. 0e !on5t nee! in!o (ars5

;ou !"e 'enerl &eelin' o& uns&ely w!en you re out in t!e world t!t is out o&

proportion to t!e rel le"el o& dn'er# ;ou re lert to nyone w!o looks suspi(ious

or dn'erous# At ny moment you &eel t!t someone mi'!t tt(k you#

;ou re lso &rid o& dissters su(! s (r ((idents nd plne (rs!es# T!ese

re t!in's )eyond your (ontrol t!t (n !ppen suddenly# =en(e% like =et!er% you

my "oid tr"elin'# ;ou re &rid o& nturl (tstrop!es su(! s &loods nd

ert!7ukes# Despite ll reson)le odds% you )elie"e somet!in' will !ppento $ou.

WALTF %uring the Fulf 0ar she oul!n5t even go into the cit$ !uring the

!a$ (ecause she as afrai! of a terrorist attac&. =EAT=E3F #he$ sai! 6e

Yor& as a prime target; WALT, Right. So, of all the millions %& places an! times,

the$ ere going tohit us.

T!is li&etrp is "ery drinin'% ;ou re (ontinully tense nd "i'ilnt# ;ou )elie"e

t!t i& you relx your 'urd% somet!in' )d will !ppen#



T=E DE2ENDENCE L*9ET3A2 1B

5 2O@E3T; P

T!is is t!e so8(lled depression mentlity% nmed &or people w!o were (!ildrendurin' t!e Gret Depression o& t!e 1JIs# ;ou re lwys worried )out money#

;ou re unre!6sti(lly &rid you will 'o )roke nd end up on t!e street#

=EAT=E3F V &no I orr$ a lot a(out mone$. It5s fust that I can see us getting

ol!er an! losing ever$thing. Sometimes I orr$ that I5S en! up U&e some (ag

la!$.

No mtter !ow &inn(illy se(ure you )e(ome% it still seems like smll step &rom

your (urrent &inn(il sitution to utter ruin#

;ou o&ten t!ink in terms o& s&ety (us!ions# ;ou &eel t!t you !"e to !"e

(ertin mount o& money to )e s&e# T!is 'i"es you t!e ssurn(e t!t you re not

'oin' to (ollpse )elow (ertin point# ;ou re likely to s"e (ertin mount% nd

to )e(ome extremely nxious i& it drops )elow t!t mount#

;ou &ind it di&&i(ult to spend money nd you 'o to extreme len't!s to s"e

e"en &ew dollrs#

=EAT=E3# V have to tough at m$self. #he other !a$ I ent all the a$ out on Long

Islan! to (u$ pants (ecause I ha! a coupon for ten !ollars off. Of course I got

there an! the$ !i!n5t have m$ sie. 2eanhile, I ha! ta&en a (us an! a ca( to

get there, costing four !ollars each a$.

;ou worry needlessly )out !"in' enou'! money to py your )ills /e"en w!en you

!"e more t!n enou'! money "il)le0# ;ou nxiously s(n t!e news &or si'ns o&

e(onomi( re(ession /e"en w!en t!e e(onomi( (limte is ex(ellent0# T!ese si'ns

ser"e s e"iden(e t!t you re ri'!t to &eel s you do# ;ou worry )out people in

your &mily losin' t!eir o)s /e"en w!en t!ere is no lo'i(l reson0# 2er!ps you

)uy ex(essi"e mounts o& dis)ility nd ot!er insurn(e#

ontrolling money is )i' issue &or you# ;ou )elie"e t!t i& you relx your

'rip you will lose (ontrol nd spend e"eryt!in'# ;our &inn(il pr(ti(es re "ery

(onser"ti"e# ;ou do not like )uyin' t!in's on (redit# ;ou re unwillin' to tkean$

risks wit! money )e(use you re &rid o& losin' it

;ou need t!e money in case something Ippens. Some (tstrop!e mi'!t wipe

out e"eryt!in' you !"e nd le"e you wit! not!in'# ;ou !"e to :e prepred#

5 LOS*NG CONT3OL Q

T!is type &ers (tstrop!e o& more psy(!olo'i(l nture.!"in' ner"ous

)rekdown# ;ou &er 'oin' (r4y or losin' ( ontrol# *t lso in(ludes mny pni(

tt(ks#

3OE3TF 0lien get that unreal feeling, I get afrai! that I5! 1ust &eep !rifting

further an! further aa$, that I5ll never come (ac&, an! I5ll turn into one of those people ho tal& to themselves an! hear voices. It terrifies me. 7n! I feel

totall$ out of control. I might !o an$thing. might start running, screaming

through the streets, or something.

2er!ps you &er losin' (ontrol o& your )ody in some wy.&intin' or 'ettin' si(k#

W!te"er you &er% t!e me(!nism is )si(lly t!e sme s in ll pni( tt(ks# ;ou

sei4e upon n internl senstion nd interpret it in (tstrop!i( wy#

Ctstrop!i( t!inkin' is t t!e (ore o& ll types o& t!e @ulner)ility li&etrp# ;ou

immeditely ump to t!e worst possi)le (se% nd you &eel s powerless to (ope s

wek% !elpless (!ild#

9or t!ose o& you w!o su&&er &rom pni( disorder% (tstrop!i( t!inkin' !rives

your pni( tt(ks# A pni( tt(k in itsel& s!ould only lst one or two minutes# ;our

(tstrop!i( t!inkin' mkes it lst mu(! lon'er# +W!t i& * m dyin'% 'oin' (r4y%

losin' (ontrol+. an$one w!o t!inks t!t t!ese t!in's re !ppenin' is 'oin' to

!"e pni( tt(k#

Es(pe is o& (ru(il importn(e in rein&or(in' t!is li&etrp# Almost e"eryone

wit! t!e @ulner)ility li&etrp "oids mny situtions# Most likely% your "oidn(e

ro)s you o& mny o& li&e6s most enoy)le (ti"ities#

T!ese re t!e possi)le ori'ins o& t!e li&etrpF

O3*G*NS O9 @<LNE3A*L*T;

.9 ;ou lerned your sense o& "ulner)ility &rom o)ser"in' nd li"in'




wit! prents wit! t!e sme li&etrp# ;our prent ws p!o)i( or &ri'!tened

)out spe(i&i( res o& "ulner)ility /su(! s losin' (ontrol% 'ettin' si(k%'oin' )roke% et(#0%

?# ;our prent ws o"erprote(ti"e o& you% prti(ulrly round issues

o& dn'er or illness# ;our prent (ontinuously wrned you o& spe(i&i(

dn'ers# ;ou were mde to &eel t!t you were too &r'ile or in(ompetent

to !ndle t!ese e"erydy issues# /T!is is usully (om)ined wit!

Dependen(e#0

# ;our prent did not de7utely prote(t you# ;our (!ild!ood en"i8

ronment did not seem s&e p!ysi(lly% emotionlly% or &inn(illy# /T!is is

usully (om)ined wit! Emotionl Depri"tion or wit! Mistrust nd

A)use#0

B# ;ou were si(k s (!ild or experien(ed serious trumti( e"ent

/e'%% (r (rs!0 t!t led you to &eel "ulner)le#

# One o& your prents experien(ed serious trumti( e"ent nd

per!ps died# ;ou (me to "iew t!e world s dn'erous#

T!e most (ommon ori'in is !"in' a prent wit! t!e sme li&etrp# ;ou lem

t!rou'! modelin'#

3OE3TF 2$ mother as a h$pochon!riac herself. She as ala$s running to the

!octor ith this complaint or that complaint. I thin& she ha! panic attac&s

also. #here ere a hi of times she ante! to leave places su!!enl$, an! thereere a lot of times she oul!n5t go. I &no she !i!n5t li&e cro!s. She as

ala$s arning me a(out ever$thing/ "It5s col!, put a seater on, !on5t go

out, $ou5ll catch $our !eath." She as ala$s chec&ing me, chec&ing m$

temperature, loo&ing at m$ throat. 7n! she as ala$s !ragging us to the

!octor.

T=E3A2*STF 0hat a(out the "going cra$" stuffH %i! $ou learn that from her

alsoH

3OE3TF I guess so in the sense that she as ver$ superstitious. She use! to tal&

a(out evil e$es an! that &in! of stuff. I remem(er hen I as a teenager, I as

going to the planetarium. You &no, to the laser light sho. 7n! she tol! me

not to go, that she ha! hear! a(out a girl ho ent into a h$pnotic trance at

the 4g&t sho an! never came out of it. I remem(er I en!e! up not going. She

frea&e! me out.

T!is is kind o& dire(t trnsmission o& t!e li&etrp# ;ou lern to &eel "ulner)le &rom

prent w!o &eels t!t wy#

A relted ori'in is prentl o"erprote(ti"eness# 2rents w!o !"e t!e

@ulner)ility li&etrp re likely to )e o"erprote(ti"e s welL T!ey see dn'er

e"eryw!ere# T!ey 'i"e t!e (!ild t!e mess'e t!t t!e world isa dn'erous pl(e#

3OE3TF 2$ mother thought that the orl! as teeming ith germs. She as

ala$s cleaning an! !isinfecting. She oul! give me !ire arnings a(out

sharing foo! ith m$ frien!s. Once she foun! me an! m$ frien! 2i&e$ a(out

to (ecome (loo! (rothers. She realt$ flippe! out; You oul! have thought

2i&e$ ha! i&e (u(onic plague.

T!is mess'e ws (ompounded )y t!e ide t!t 3o)ert ws not e7uipped to !ndle

t!e dn'er# =e ws too &r'ile nd !e needed !is mot!er to prote(t !im# Wit!out !er

t!ere to 'uide !im% !e ws (on"in(ed t!t somet!in' )d would !ppen# =e (ould

(t(! some dred disese or ((identlly 'o into trn(e &rom w!i(! !e would

ne"er return#

=et!er !d more unusul pt!wy to !er li&etrp# ot! !er prents were

=olo(ust sur"i"ors# *n t!eir te ens% t!ey !d )een in (on(entrtion (mp to'et!er#

=EAT=E3F I gre up in a orl! in hich the 4olocaust as a possi)ility% $ou

&no hat I meanH It coul! ala$s happen again. I use! to lie aa&e in m$

(e! an! orr$ that the 6ais ere going to (rea& into the house.

7lmost ever$one in (oth m$ parents5famiUes as &4Se!. #he$ ha! an

al(um of pictures, an! almost ever$one in it as !ea!. I use! to loo& at the

pictures. #here ere pictures in it of chil!ren 1ust m$ age.

As you mi'!t im'ine% =et!er6s prents were "ery prote(ti"e o& !er# T!ey tu'!t

!er to &er people% prti(ulrly non8$ews#

=EAT=E3F #he$ oul! ala$s tell me not to trust people ho eren5t <eish, even

frien!s an! neigh(ors. I remem(er hen I as in si?th gra!e, m$ (est frien!




asn5t <eish. 2$ mother use! to tei me not to trust her, not to get too close.

She tol! me that hen she as a girl in Ferman$, she sa neigh(ors turnagainst her famil$ an! su!!enl$ (ecome enemies.

=et!er is un)le to &eel safe. T!e world is too dn'erous% people re too

dn'erous# S!e wlks t!rou'! t!e world !yper"i'ilnt to dn'er#

@ulner)ility (n tt(! to num)er o& ot!er li&etrps# *& your prents )used

you% depri"ed you% or )ndoned you% (ertinly you &elt "ulner)le# T!ese e"ents

were n ssult on your )si( sense o& s&ety# <ndernet!% you re lwys worried

)out t!e )d t!in' !ppenin' 'in#

DANGE3 S*GNALS *N 3ELAT*ONS=*2S

;ou re most ttr(ted to people w!o (n tke (re o& you# y sele(tin' prtner

w!o prote(ts you% you Surrender to your @ulner)ility li&etrp nd t!us rein&or(e it#

On t!e &ollowin' p'e re t!e si'ns t!t your (!oi(e o& prtner is li&etrp8dri"enF

DANGE3 S*GNALS *N 3 ELAT*ONS=*2S

1# ;ou tend to sele(t prtners w!o re willin' nd e'er to prote(t

you &rom dn'er or illness# ;our prtner is stron'% nd you re wek nd

needy#

?# ;our prime (on(ern is t!t your prtner is &erless% p!ysi(lly

stron'% "ery su((ess&ul &inn(illy% do(tor% or ot!erwise spe(i&i(lly

e7uipped to prote(t you &rom your &ers#

(9 ;ou seek people w!o re willin' to listen to your &ers nd ressure

you.

;ou wnt someone stron' w!o is soli(itous o& your pro)lems# ;ou wnt someone

w!o will pmper nd o"erprote(t you# ;ou wnt someone w!o will mke you &eel

s&e#

@<LNE3A*L*T; <9ET3A2S

1# ;ou &eel nxious mu(! o& t!e time s you 'o )out dily li&e

)e(use o& your ex''erted &ers ;ou my !"e 'enerli4ed nxiety#

?# ;ou worry so mu(! )out your !elt! nd possi)le illnesses t!t

youF /0 'et unne(essry medi(l e"lutions%K: )e(ome )urden to

your &mily wit! your (onstnt need &or ressurn(e% nd /(0 (nnot

enoy ot!er spe(ts o& li&e%

(9 ;ou experien(e pni( tt(ks s result o& your preo((uption

wit! )odily senstions nd possi)le illness#

B# ;ou re unrelisti(lly worried )out 'oin' )roke# T!is leds you

to )e unne(essrily ti'!t wit! money nd unwillin' to mke ny

&inn(il or (reer (!n'es# ;ou re preo((upied wit! keepin' w!t you

!"e t t!e expense o& new in"estments or proe(ts# You cannot ta&e

ris&s.

# ;ou 'o to# exor)itnt len't!s to "oid (riminl dn'er# 9or exm8

ple% you "oid 'oin' out t ni'!t% "isitin' lr'e (ities% tr"elin' on

pu)li( trnsporttion# #herefore, $our 4fe is ver$ restricte!.

# ;ou "oid e"erydy situtions t!t entil e"en sli'!t de'ree o&

risk# 9or exmple% you "oid ele"tors% su)wys% or li"in' in (ity

w!ere t!ere (ould )e n ert!7uke#

H# ;ou llow your prtner to prote(t you &rom your &ers# ;ou need

lot o& ressurn(e# ;our prtner !elps you "oid &ered situtions#

;ou )e(ome o"erly dependent on your prtner# ;ou my e"en resent

t!is dependen(e#

# ;our (!roni( nxiety my% in &(t% mke you more prone to some

kinds o& psy(!osomti( illnesses /e#'#% e(4em% st!m% (oli tis% ul(ers%

&lu0#

J# ;ou limit your so(il li&e )e(use% s result o& your &ers% you(nnot do mny o& t!e t!in's ot!er people do#

1I# ;ou restri(t t!e li"es o& your prtner nd &mily% w!o !"e to

dpt to your &ers#

11# ;ou re likely to pss on your &ers to your own (!ildren#

1?# ;ou my use "riety o& (opin' me(!nisms to n ex''erted



T=E DE2ENDENCE L*9ET3A2 1H

de'ree to wrd o&& dn'er# ;ou my !"e o)sessi"e8(ompulsi"e

symptoms or superstitious t!inkin'#1# ;ou my rely ex(essi"ely on medi(tion% l(o!ol% &ood% et(#% to

redu(e your (!roni( nxiety#

Es(pe &rom @ulner)ility is one o& t!e 'retest dn'ers# ;ou "oid so mny

(ti"ities t!t it dm'es t!e 7ulity o& your li&e.nd t!e li"es o& your prtner nd

&mily# T!e li&etrp limits nd restri(ts you#

=EAT=E3, Sometimes I feel 4&e I5m living insi!e of this !ar& clou!, an! outsi!e

the orl! is going on (right an! sunn$. 7n! I5m missing it all.

;ou experien(e so mu(! nxiety t!t it is !rd &or you to &eel ot!er t!in's#

=EAT=E3F V as at m$ son Ro(($5s school concert, an! there as one moment

hen I as sitting there ith 0alt an! loo&ing at Ro(($ pla$, an! I 1ust fell so

happ$. It51ust struc& me that I am so sel!om happ$. If as 1ust a moment hen

the happiness (ro&e through an! the an?iet$ as (lesse!l$ gone.

;ou (n )e in su(! prote(ti"e mode t!t you )e(ome (losed to li&e#

3o)ert &elt trpped in o) !e did not like )e(use !e ws &rid to tke risks#

=e worked s (omputer pro'rmmer#

3OE3TF 2$ 1o( is reall$ !ull an! (oring, a$ (elo m$ level I reall$ coul! (e an

anal$st. It5s reall$ !epressing for me to go to or&. 7ll !a$, I sit there an! !o

the same repetitive things.

T=E3A2*STF 0h$ !on5t $ou loo& for another 1o(H

3OE3TF I &no. I thin& a(out that m$self. It5s 1ust that the mone$5s goo! an! the

1o( is reall$ secure. I mean, the$5re not a(out to fire me.

W!en you wei'! t!e (osts nd )ene&its o& tkin' risk% t!e o"em!elm$n' &(tors

you (onsider re s&ety nd se(urity# T!ey re more importnt t!n ny possi)le

'in# Li&e &or you is not pro(ess o& seekin' &ul&illment nd oy# 3t!er% li&e is

pro(ess o& tryin' to (ontin dn'er#

T!e @ulner)ility li&etrp dm'es you so(illy s welL ;our (onstnt need

&or ressurn(e is drin on t!e people you lo"e# Tryin' to ressure you is

ex!ustin'# /We know9 e&ore we lerned )etter% we went t!is route wit! num)er

o& @ulner)ility ptients#0 ;ou (n ne"er )e ressuredenough. *t is )ottomless pit

T!e @ulner)ility li&etrp lso drins you o& time nd ener'y you mi'!t

ot!erwise de"ote to so(il (ti"ities# *nsted o& so(ili4in'% you re runnin' to t!e

do(tor or instllin' )ur'lr lrms# ;ou re )eset wit! symptoms% su(! s pni(

tt(ks nd psy(!osomti( disorders% t!t &urt!er distr(t nd de)ilitte you# And% o&

(ourse% t!ere re mny pl(es so(illy t!t you ust (nnot 'o# ;ou mi'!t 'ettt(ked or spend too mu(! money# And you re7uire t!e people you lo"e to restri(t

their li"es s well#

Dependen(e o&ten 'oes lon' wit! @ulner)ility# *& you del wit! t!e

@ulner)ility li&etrp )y pi(kin' stron' prtner nd (onstntly skin' &or

ressurn(e you ne"er lern t!t you (n (ope on your own# Alone% you &eel

(ompletely exposed to t!t &eelin' o& "ulner)ility# ;ou need your prtner t!ere#

O)"iously% t!is sitution (n (rete n'er on )ot! sides#

WALTF She gets angr$ at me hen I on5t go places ith her. 7ngr$ at me# It

(oggles m$ min!. Li&e I5m suppose! to go trotting after her herever she goes.

;ou re prone to superstitious t!inkin'# ;ou my use m'i( rituls to wrd o&&

per(ei"ed dn'ers#

=EAT=E3F 8efore I go to sleep I have to go aroun! the house an! chec&

ever$thing five times. I chec& the iron, the stove, the microave, the toaster

oven, the hair !r$er, the chil!ren5s room, the car, an! the garage.

T=E3A2*STF #hat soun!s prett$ te!ious. 0h$ five timesH =EAT=E3F It5s hat I

have to !o to (e a(le to rela? an! go to sleep. T=E3A2*STF 0hat happens if $ou

!on5t !o the chec&ingH =EAT=E3F I lie in (e! an! orr$. I 1ust can5t go to sleep

until I5ve chec&e! ever$thing five times.Countin'% (!e(kin'% ws!in'% (lenin'.t!ese re il exmples o& o)sessi"e8

(ompulsi"e rituls you my en''e in to mke li&e m'i(lly s&e# Su(! rituls re

&urt!er drin on your li&e ener'y#

All o& t!ese ptterns rein&or(e your ex''erted sense o& t!e world s

dn'erous# ;ou ne"er lern t!t wit! reasona(le pre(utions% t!e world (n )e

s&e pl(e#




T!ese re t!e steps to (!n'in' your li&etrpF

C=ANG*NG ;O<3 @<LNE3A*L*T; <9ET3A2

1#Try to understnd t!e ori'ins o& your li&etrp#

?#Mke list o& your spe(i&i( &ers#

#De"elop !ierr(!y o& &ered situtions%

B#Meet wit! t!e people you lo"e.your spouse% lo"er% &mily%

&riends.nd enlist t!eir support in !elpin' you &(e your &ers#

#Exmine t!e pro))ility o& your &ered e"ents o((urrin'%

#Write &ls!(rd &or e(! &er#

H#Tlk to your inner (!ild# e stron'% )r"e prent to 6our (!ild#

#2r(ti(e te(!ni7ues &or relxtion#

J#e'in to t(kle e(! o& your &ers in imager$.

1I# T(kle e(! &er in rel li&e#

11# 3ewrd yoursel& &or e(! step you tke

. #r$ to Un!erstan! the Origins of Your Lifetrap. Were your prents

p!o)i( O"erprote(ti"e <nderprote(ti"e *n w!t res did you lern to

&eel "ulner)le Ws it illness Tr"elin' Money Dn'ers in your en"i8

ronment Losin' (ontrol

T!e ori'in o& t!e li&etrp is usully o)"ious# ;ou my know it lredy# *nsi'!t

into t!e ori'in is importnt =owe"er% it does not usully !"e s power&ul n e&&e(t

on t!is li&etrp s it does on some ot!ers% &t is 'ood pl(e to strt% )ut it will not 'et

you &r in terms o& (!n'

+. 2a&e a List of Your Specific @ears. We wnt you to tke n o)e(ti"e look

t your &ers# Look t t!e wys you Surrender to your @ulner)ility /)y

o"erprote(tin' yoursel&0 nd t!e wys t!t you Es(pe /t!rou'! "oidin'

situtions0#

<se t!e &ollowin' (!rt# List t!e situtions t!t you &er.t!e su)wy%



1J 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

t!e streets t ni'!t% spendin' money% pl(es w!ere t!ere re 'erms% et( Now rte

e(! &er lon' num)er o& dimensions# <se s(le &rom I to 1II% wit!C menin'

+not t ll+ nd 1II menin' +s mu(! s you (n im'ine#+ =ow stron' is t!e &er

=ow mu(! do you Es(pe% or "oid% t!e sitution 9inlly% !ow do you nd your

&mily o"erprote(t yoursel&

=ere is t!e (!rt% &illed out )y 3o)ert% &or +ein' lone in my !ouse t ni'!t#+

3o)ert &ered t!is )e(use +somet!in' )d mi'!t !ppen# *6ll )e lone wit!out

distr(tions% nd my mind will strt 'oin' o&& on tr(k#+ <ltimtely% w!t 3o)ert

&ered ws !"in' pni( tt(k nd losin' !is mind#

=OW ALLOW

now i M; 9AM*L@ TO

9EA=ED LE@EL O9 DEG3EE O9 OVERPROTECT O@E323OTECT

9EA3 A@O*DANCE M;SEL9 ME

ein' lone in

my

prtment t

ni'!t#

H I *n"ite

&riends o"er%

(ll &riends% 'o

out t ni'!t ll

t!e time% work

lte% 'et

'irl&riends to

sty o"er#

Tlk on t!e p!one

wit! me

(onstntly#

Do t!is &or ll your &ered situtions# e(ome wreo& !ow t!e @ulner)ility li&etrp mni&ests itsel& in your li&e#

J. %evelop a 4ierarch$ of @eare! Situations, We wnt you to de"elop !ierr(!y&or e(! &ered sitution on your (!rt# rek e(! &er into smll steps you (ould

tke to o"er(ome it# Next% rte t!e steps &rom 1 to 1II in terms o& !ow nxious you

re )out e(! one 9inlly% rrn'e t!e steps in order% listin' t!e esiest step &irst

nd workin' your wy up to t!e most di&&i(ult step# 9or exmple% !ere is =et!er6s

list o& !ierr(!iesFFEARED SITUATrOH ANXIETY RATING

)9 SW*MM*NG

1# Swimmin' in s!llow wter ?I

?# Swimmin' in wter o"er my !ed 59 ELE@ATO3

1# Goin' on ele"tor &i"e &loors or lessith

someone

?

?# Goin' on ele"tor &i"e &loors or lessalone BI

# Goin' on ele"tor more t!n &i"e &loorsith

someone

I

K. Goin' on ele"tor more t!n &i"e &loors alone I

GO*NG TO T=E *)T-

1# Goin' to t!e dry &or dy (ti"ity ith someone I

?# Goin' to t!e (ity &or dy (ti"ity alone I# Goin' to t!e (ity &or ni'!t (ti"ity ith

someone

H

B# Goin' to t!e (ity &or ni'!t (ti"ity alone 1II

49 ALONE *N T=E =O<SE

1# Alone in t!e !ouse durin' t!e dy ith phone

caSs

I

?# Alone in t!e !ouse durin' t!e dy% no phone

calling

B

# Goin' onto t!e dri"ewy t ni'!t lone I

B# Alone in t!e !ouse durin' erly e"enin'

9EA3ED S*T<AT*ON AN>*ET; 3AT*NG

% Alone in t!e !ouse t ni'!t() phone caSs I

# Alone in t!e !ouse t ni'!t%no phone atSing J

# S2END*NG =ONE;

1# Spendin' some money &rom s"in's on &un(ti"ity

?% Lookin' &or )i''er !ouse

# Sellin' some insurn(e poli(ies H

B# Spendin' money on &n(y &mily "(tion

GO*NG 2LACES ALONE



T=E @<LNE3A*L*T; L*9ET3A2 1 B I

1# Goin' to t!e supermrket wit!out Wlt or t!e

(!ildren

BI

?# Dri"in' to "isit &riends lone I

# Goin' to t!e mll lone H# T3A@EL*NG

1# 2lnnin' trips I

?# Goin' on dy trip wit! &mily I

# Goin' on dy trip )y trin lone

B# Goin' wy o"erni'!t wit! &mily J# Gettin' on n irplne 1II

List s mny steps &or e(! sitution s you like# T!e (ru(il &(tor is t!t t!e

!ierr(!y )e dip8)le# T!ere s!ould lwys )e n item esy enou'! to do t t!e top

o& your list

T!e !ierr(!ies in"ol"e 'rdully stoppin' )ot! your es(pes /e%'% 'oin'

pl(es you usully "oid0 nd your o"erprote(tions /e'#% tkin' more risks lone0#

e sure to in(lude )ot!# <se t!e &irst (!rt you mde s re&eren(e#

K. 2eet ith the Deople You LoveAYour Spouse, Lover, @amil$, @rien!sA

an! Enlist #heir Support in 4elping You @ace Your @ears. Let t!e people

round you know w!t you re doin'# Te$l t!em you re tryin' to o"er8

(ome your &eelin's o& "ulner)ility# Ask t!em to strt prote(tin' you

less nd ressurin' you less# ;ou (n sk t!em to 'rdully p!se t!ese

t!in's out#

En(our'e people to express more o& t!eir own "ulner)ility to you# Most

likely% t!ey will )e relie"ed#

WALTF It5s nice not to have to (e the strong one aU the time. It as earing on me.

I mean, I have pro(lems too. I5! 4&e to !iscuss them ith 4eather ithout her

faBng apart. I have some pro(lems at or& especiall$ that I reall$ oul! 4&e

to tal& out. i

Most prtners will ump t t!e opportunity to 'i"e up su(! n o"erprote(8ti"e role

<sully prtners re wery o& )ein' so soli(itous# esides% t!ey do not !"e to 'i"e

up t!e role entirely# T!ey ust !"e to redu(e it to norml le"el

;ou !"e (!osen mny o& t!e people round you )e(use t!ey rein&or(e your

li&etrp# ;ou !"e to 'et t!em to stop i& you wnt to o"er(ome your @ulner)ility

li&etrp#

=. E?amine the Dro(a(ilit$ of Your @eare! Events Occurring. Mny people

wit! t!e @ulner)ility li&etrp ex''erte t!e pro))ility t!t &ered

e"ents will o((ur#

T=E3A2*STF 0hat !o $ou thin& the o!!s are of $our airplane crashingH

=EAT=E3F V !on5t &no. I guess a(out one m a thousan!. T=E3A2*STF 7n!

hen $ou are on an airplane, hat !o $ou thin& the o!!s are thenH

=EAT=E3, 0hen I5m on the plane, the o!!s seem higher. 2a$(e si? out of ten.

T=E3A2*STF %o $ou &no that the o!!s reall$ are closer to one in a milhonH

3i'!t now you use intuition to ud'e t!e odds o& &ered e"ents o((urrin'# ;ou feel

t!t t!e likeli!ood o& dn'er is !i'!# T!e pro)lem is t!t your intuition is simply

wron' )e(use it is under t!e swy o& your li&etrp#

We wnt you to (ondu(t more o)e(ti"e ssessment o& t!e odds# Strt

't!erin' in&ormtion# Soli(it t!e opinions o& ot!er people# 3ed )out t!e su)e(t#

Edu(te yoursel&# Greter ((ur(y will de(rese your nxiety#

9or e(! &ered sitution% write down t!e odds o& e(! &er !ppenin' as it

feels to $ou &ett $ou confront it. T!en write down t!e realistic odds o& your &er

!ppenin'% )sed on t!e opinions o& t!e people (lose to you w!o do not s!re your

@ulner)ility li&etrp#

<se t!is (!rt# T!is is smple entry &illed out )y 3o)ert#

9EA3ED S*T<AT*ON MOW L*KEL; $ 9EEL T=*S * S

TO =A22EN W=EN *6M *N T=E

S*T<AT*ON

MO3E 3EAL*ST*C ODDS O9 M;

9EA3 =A22EN*NG /ASED ON

OT=E3 2EO2LE 6S O2*N*ONS

Losin' my mind durin'

pni( tt(k

JJ ?

*n &(t% t!e ? per(ent &i'ure 3o)ert wrote !ere is too !i'!# T!e odds o&

someone losin' t!eir mind w!ile !"in' pni( tt(k re practicall$ ero. T!is is

)e(use% s &r s we know% it !s ne"er !ppened# 2 ni( Disorder is "stly

studied su)e(t% )ut t!ere is not one reported (se o& person 'oin' (r4y durin'

pni( tt(k# T!e sme is true o& dyin' nd losin' (ontrol# T!ese t!in's do not

!ppen durin' pni( tt(ks# ;ou re ustafrai! t!ey will !ppen#



1B1 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

To put it not!er wy% t!e odds t!t you will die% 'o (r4y% or lose (ontrol

durin' pni( tt(k re no !i'!er t!n t!ey re t ny ot!er time% w!en you re not

!"in' pni( tt(k# T!e pni( tt(k does not mke it ny more likely#

Ex''ertin' t!e odds is prt o& your tenden(y to (tstrop!i4e# ;ou ump to

t!e worst possi)le (on(lusion nd (onsider it to )e t!e most likely one *n &rt% t!e

likeli!ood o& most (tstrop!i( e"ents !ppenin' to you is extremely iow#

N. 0rite a @lashcar! for Each @ear. Write &ls!(rd &or e(! one o& your &ers#3emind yoursel& o& !ow t!e li&etrp leds you to (tstrop!i4e# En(our'e yoursel&

to &(e w!t you re es(pin'% nd 'i"e up your o"erprote(ti"eness#

=ere is (rd =et!er wrote &or !er &er% ridin' t!e ele"tor#

A @<LNE3A*L*T; 9LAS=CA3D

* know t!t ri'!t now * m &rid to ride t!e ele"tor# * m &rid o& some

(tstrop!e% like t!e )uildin' (t(!in' &ire% nd t!e ele"tor 'ettin' stu(k * &eel

t!is is "ery likely to !ppen#

ut w!t relly is !ppenin' is t!t my @ulner)ility li&etrp is 'ettin'

tri''ered# *6m pro))ly ex''ertin' t!e de'ree o& risk# T!ere&ore% * will &or(e

mysel& to 'o into t!is sitution nywy% in spite o& my &ers% to see t!t it6s not

relly dn'erous#

* know * wnt to (ount t!e &loors &i"e times )e&ore * 'et on t!e ele"tor# *

&eel t!t t!e (!e(kin' will mke me &eel s&er# ut * don6t need6 to do t!e

(!e(kin'# * m s&e enou'! wit!out it# T!e (!e(kin' is ust superstition#

esides% it6s )urden nd * wnt to 'i"e it up%

<se t!e &ls!(rds w!ene"er your li&etrp is tri''ered# *t (n (ounter your tenden(y

to (tstrop!t4e# Keep ressessin' t!e odds# Enter t!e sitution E"entully% your nxiety will pss nd you will &eel (om&ort)le

. #al& to Your Inner h2 8e a Strong, 8rave Darent to Your hil!. T!e &eelin's

(onne(ted to your li&etrp re chil! &eelin's# T!ey re t!e &eelin's o& your

"ulner)le inner (!ild# ;ou need to de"elop n inner prent to !elp t!is inner (!ild#

;ou (n use im'ery#

T=E3A2*STF Fet an image of a time as a chil! thai $ou felt vulnera(le. %on5t

force it. <ust tell me the first one that comes into $our min!.

=EAT=E3F lam in the &tfchen ith m$ mother an! our ne neigh(or. 4er name is

8lanche an! she5s ver$ nice.

I5m a(out si?. I as almost si? hen 8lanche move! into the

neigh(orhoo!. I5m sitting at the ta(le eating a san!ich, an! I hear 8lanche

as& m$ mother a(out the num(ers on her arm. She has 1ust notice! m$

mother5s tattoo. 2$ mother starts to tell 8lanche that she as in a

concentration camp. "7long time ago," she sa$s, "hen I as a chil!."

#his is the first time I have reall$ hear! of it. I mean, I alrea!$ &no

something terri(le happene!, (ut this is the first time I start to un!erstan!

hat it as.



T=E @<LNE3A*L*T; L*9ET3A2 1B?

?IB 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E T=E3A2*STF

4o !o $ou feelH

=EAT=E3F V feel this chUt rush over me. I5m scare!, ver$ scare!.

On(e you re in tou(! wit! t!e im'e nd t!e &eelin' o& "ulner)ility% )rin' yoursel&

into t!e im'e s n dult to (om&ort your &ri'!tened (!ild# Try to mke t!e

"ulner)le (!ild &eel s&er#

=EAT=E3F I (ring m$self into the image as an a!ult. I sit !on at the ta(le ith

the chil! 4eather. I sa$/ "You !on5t have to (e afrai! You5re safe. You5re in

$our on house an! I am here an! $ou5re safe. 6o one ill hurt $ou. #here are

no 6ais here. If $ou ant to go out an! pla$, I iS come ith $ou. I5ll protect

$ou. I5ll help $ou face hat $ou fear."

We wnt you to )rin' in t!is dult w!ene"er your li&etrp is tri''ered 3essure

yoursel& t!t t!ere is not!in' to &er# =elp your inner (!ild &eel s&e enou'! to

(on&ront t!e sitution#

. Dractice #echni-ues for Rela?ation. 3elxtion te(!ni7ues (n !elp (enter )ot!

your )ody nd your mind# T!ey (n (ontrol t!e p!ysi(l symptoms o& nxiety nd

keep your mind &rom 'llopin' wy into (tstrop!i4in'#

=ere is simple medittion# *t !s two prtsF )ret!in' prt nd medittion

prt# ret!e slowly nd &rom your dip!r'm# T!t is% you s!ould )ret!e no more

t!n ei'!t )ret!s minute% nd w!en you )ret!e% only your stom(! s!ould mo"e#

;our (!est s!ould )e totlly still# ret!in' t!is wy will pre"ent you &rom

!yper"entiltin'% t!e mor (use o& most p!ysi(l nxiety symptoms% prti(ulrly

pni( tt(ks#

T!e medittion prt &ollows t!e r!yt!m o& your )ret!in'# As you )ret!e in%

slowly t!ink t!e word rela?. As you )ret!e out% t!ink t!e word (reathe. $ust keep

mentlly repetin' t!ese words% slowly in time to your )ret!s#

<se t!is relxtion te(!ni7ue w!ene"er your @ulner)ility li&etrp is tri''ered#

;ou will &ind it (n !elp immesur)ly#

3OE3TF 7t first, hen I starte! using the (reathing me!itation, it ma!e

me nervous. It too& me a hile to reall$ get going ith it. I !i!n5t 4&e

focusing on m$ (reathing. T=E3A2*STF V &no, $ou have to get through that

ith this techni-ue. 3OE3TF 8ui I !i! get through it an! no it reall$ &elps.

0henever I start

getting panic&$ I use it an! it calms me !on an! helps me sta$ in the

situation.



*. 8egin to #ac&le Each of Your @ears in Imager$. *m'ery plys mor role in t!e tri''erin' o& t!is li&etrp# *& you py ttention% you will reli4e

t!t you re not only !"in' (tstrop!i( t!ou'!ts% )ut you re lso !"in'

(tstrop!i( im'es# ;ou re "i"idly pi(turin' t!e worst possi)le out(ome#

Nturlly% t!is s(res you#

We wnt you to strt usin' im'ery to mke t!in's )etter% not worse We wnt

you to re!erse goo! out(omes.in w!i(! you 'i"e up your o"erprote(tions% enter

situtions% nd (ope well#

<se t!e !ierr(!ies you de"eloped# Strt wit! t!e esier steps !rst Sit down in

(om&ort)le (!ir% nd relx yoursel& wit! your )ret!in' medittion# On(e you re

relxed% 'et n im'e o& t!e &ered sitution# *m'ine yoursel& 'oin' t!rou'! t!e

sitution ex(tly s you would wis!# V

T=E3A2*STF 0hat are $ou imaginingH

=EAT=E3F I5m stan!ing at the elevator. 0alt is ith me, an! the a!ult 4eather is

there too. It ma&es me feel safe to have them there.

I ant to countail the floors five times, (ut I resist. Once I !eci!e not to

!o the counting, I get this ave of an?iet$, (ut it passes through me an! leaves.

I feel fine. I feel strong an! confi!ent.

#he elevator comes an! the !oors open. 0e get in. Islan! calml$ an! !o

m$ rela?ation. 8efore $ou &no if, I&e elevator stops an! e get out. 0e have

gone five floors an! I feel fine.

Grdully work your wy up your !ierr(!ies# <se im'ery to 'in sense o&

mstery o"er ll your &ers# ;ou !"e !d mny im'ery re!ersls o& )d out(omes#

*t is time to !"e some im'ery re!ersls o& su((ess nd s&ety#

T. #ac&le Each @ear in Real Life. e!"iorl (!n'e is t!e (ulmintion o&

e"eiyt!in' you !"e done so &r# *t is t!e most power&ul wy to (!n'e

your li&etrp# On(e you (tully experiment wit! o"er(omin' "oidn(e

nd strt pro"in' to yoursel& you were distortin'% t!en it )e(omes like

loop# T!e more you enter situtions nd see t!t t!e )d t!in' does not

!ppen% t!e s&er you &eel% nd t!e s&er you &eel% t!e more you enter

situtions#

A'in% use your !ierr(!ies nd strt wit! t!e esier steps# Keep doin' step

until you (n do it (om&ort)ly# Gin sense o& mstery o"er one step )e&ore you

mo"e to t!e next one Grdully work your wy up until you re doin' e"eryt!in'#

<se t!e &ls!(rds% )ret!in' medittion% nd reprentin' te(!ni7ues to !elp you

(on&ront e(! sitution#



1BB 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L $ 9 E

. Rear! Yourself for Each Step You #a&e. 3erneDi)erin' to rewrd yoursel& will

(ement t!e 'ins you !"e mde A&ter you (omplete !ierr(!y step% tke

moment to (on'rtulte yoursel&# Gi"e your inner (!ild (redit &or (on&rontin' t!ese

&ers# ;ou deser"e prise.w!t you did took (our'e *t is not esy &or you to

(on&ront your &ers#

2oint out to yoursel& !ow e(! &er does not (tully (ome true T!is will

rein&or(e t!e sense t!t your &eelin's o& "ulner)ility re 'retly ex''erted#

SOME 9*NAL WO3DS

T!e rel rewrd &or o"er(omin' your @ulner)ility li&etrp is t!e expn sion o& your

li&e# T!ere is so mu(! t!t you miss )e(use o& your &ers# A&ter usin' t!e steps

des(ri)ed !ere% )ot! =et!er nd 3o)ert &ound t!eir li"es "stly impro"ed#

3OE3TF V thin& the thing that reall$ got me moving as realiing ho muc& I as

missing out. I mean, I as realt$ !epriving m$self of so muc&. It as a afe

!evote! to an?iet$.

*& you &ind you (nnot o"er(ome t!e li&etrp lone% (onsider t!erpy## W!y (ontinue

to restri(t your (ti"ities nd deny yoursel& T!e ourney out o& t!e @ulner)ility

li&etrp is ourney )(k to li&e#



12"I'M WORTHLESS" THE

DEFECTIVENESS LIFETRAP

AL*SONF T=*3T; ;EA3S OLD# S=E 9EELS <NWO3T=; O9 LO@E#

Alison looks &ri'!tened w!en s!e wlks into our o&&i(e# *t is o)"ious s!e is

un(om&ort)le tlkin' )out !ersel&# We try to put !er t ese# A&ter w!ile% we sk

!er w!y s!e !s (ome# S!e tells us s!e is depressed#

AL*SONF I guess I get !on on m$self a lot. I5m ala$s thin&ing, "0h$ oul!

an$one ant to (e ith meH"Li&e there5s this gu$ I5ve gone out ith for a fe

months. 7lmost a $ear actuall$. 4is name is 2atthe. #he other !a$ I calle!

him an! left a message on his machine. 0aiting for him to call (ac&, I &ept

thin&ing, "I &no he on5t call, he !oesn5t ant to see me an$more." Li&e he5s

foun! me out or something. It5s h&e I &eep aiting for the moment that he fin!s

me out

7n! even hen he calle! (ac&, the hole time I &ept thin&ing, "4e

!oesn5t ant to tal& to me, he ants to get off the phone."

T=E3A2*STF It5s har! for $ou to (elieve that he reall$ cares.

As we tlk more% we reli4e t!t Alison is (onsiderin' mrryin' Mtt!ewF +=e

sked me to mrry !im &ew weeks 'o# =e6s relly 'ood to me#) know *6d )e (r4y

not to mrry !im+ ut &or some un((ount)le reson s!e &inds !ersel& &ri'!tened t

t!e ide o& mrri'e#

AL*SONF 2a$(e I 1ust haven5t ha! too man$ goo! relationships. #he last gu$ I

thought a(out marr$ing as not e?actl$ the nicest gu$ in the orl!. In fact he

as emotionall$ a(usive. 4e as on m$ (ac& a(out something all the time.

T=E3A2*ST, 8ut it !oesn5t soun! 4&e 2atthe is h&e that. <ust the opposite.

AL*SONF 6o, I &no. It5s something !ifferent. I thin& I5m 1ust afrai! to let an$one

get chose to me, 7n! 2atthe5s a person ho is tr$ing to get !ose tome.

And t!t is w!y Alison !s (ome to t!erpy# S!e is !"in' +(risis o& mtim(y#+

EL*OTF 9O3T;8T=3EE ;EA3S OLD# = E COMES TO T=E3A2; W$T= = * S W*9E 9O3

MA3*TAL 23OLEMS#

Our &irst impression o& Eliot is one o& ti'!t sel&8(ontrol# T!rou'!out t!e session% we

'limpse kind o& (old n'er undernet!# Eliot !s (ome to t!erpy wit! !is wi&e%

Mri% to &o(us on mritl pro)lems#

Eliot nd Mri !"e )een mrried &or se"en yers nd !"e one (!ild# Mri

!s ust &ound out t!t Eliot !s )een !"in' n &&ir# S!e t!retened to le"e t!e

mrri'e unless !e 'reed to (ome to t!erpy# *n t!t &irst session% !e told us% +*

relly don6t t!ink t!t V need to )e !ere%+ nd +*& you sk me% she5s t!e one w!o !s

pro)lems#+ *t is lmost s i& !e expe(ted us to work wit! !im to sol"eher pro)lems#

T!rou'!out t!e session% Eliot is (riti(l o& Mri nd (riti(l o& us# *t is

di&&i(ult to (onne(t wit! !im =e keeps distn(e# A&ter we explin li&etrp t!erpy

to t!em% !e sys% +*t sounds in(redi)ly simple8minded%+ nd +*s t!t ll t!ere is to

t!is t!erpy+ We know !e is testin' us% nd we tell !im so# +;ou wnt to mke sure

1B



we (n !ndle you#+ =e wnts to see i& !e (n put us one8down.i& !e (n mke us

de&ensi"e# W!en !e sees t!t !e (nnot% we 'in some o& !is respe(t

Alt!ou'! we re &eelin' irritted% we remin empt!i(# We know t!t%

undernet!% Eliot is &ri'!tened o& us# =e is &rid we (n see t!rou'! !im#

T=E DE9ECT*@ENESS <EST*ONNA*3E

T!is 7uestionnire will mesure t!e stren't! o& your De&e(ti"eness li&etrp# <se t!is

s(le to nswer e(! o& t!e itemsF

SCO3*NG K E;





Mostly true o& me




MMMMMMMMMMNMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM SCO3E DESC3*2T*ON

.9 No mn or womn (ould lo"e me i& !eVs!e relly knew me

?#. m in!erently &lwed nd de&e(ti"e * m unwort!y o& lo"e#

# * !"e se(rets t!t * do not wnt to s!re% e"en wit! t!e

people (losest to me#

B# *t ws my &ult t!t my prents (ould not lo"e me#

* NTE323ET*NG ;O<3 DE9ECT*@ENESS SCO3E





T=E E>2E3*ENCE O9 DE9ECT*@ENESS

T!e emotion t!t is most (onne(ted to t!e De&e(ti"eness li&etrp is shame. S!me is

w!t you &eel w!en your de&e(ts re exposed# ;ou will do lmost nyt!in' to "oid

t!is &eelin' o& s!me# Conse7uently you 'o to 'ret len't!s to keep your

de&e(ti"eness !idden#

;ou &eel t!t your de&e(ti"eness is insi!e you# *t is not immeditely

o)ser")le# 3t!er% it is somet!in' in t!e essen(e o& your )ein'.you &eel

(ompletely unwort!y o& lo"e# *n (ontrst to t!e So(il Ex(lusion li&etrp% w!i(!

(on(erns super&i(il or o(serva(le (!r(teristi(s- De&e(ti"eness is n inner stte#

W!ile we usully know &irly 7ui(kly w!et!er someone !s So(il Ex(lusion

li&etrp% De&e(ti"eness is not so o)"ious# Certinly it is one o& t!e most (ommon

li&etrps% )ut it is o&ten !rd to dete(t e(use your im'ined de&e(t is internl.

unseen.you su&&er e"en more &rom t!e terror o& )ein' exposed#

1B

# * m o&ten drwn to people.prents% &riends% nd

lo"ers.w!o re (riti(l nd ree(t me#H# * m o&ten

(riti(l nd ree(tin' mysel&% espe(illy o& people

w!o seem to lo"e me## * de"lue my positi"e

7ulities#J# * li"e wit! pet del o& s!me )out

mysel&#1I# One o& my 'retest &ers is t!t my &ults

will )e exposed#;O<3 TOTAL DE9ECT*@ENESSSCO3E

/Add your s(ores to'et!er &or 7uestions 1.1I0

# * !ide t!e rel me# T!e rel me isun((ept)le T!e sel& 1 s!ow is &lsesel&#



Almost !l& our ptients !"e De&e(ti"eness s one o& t!eir primry li&etrps#

=owe"er% on t!e sur&(e% t!ese ptients look "ery di&&erent# E(! (opes wit!

&eelin's o& s!me in di&&erent wys# Some l(k (on&iden(e nd look inse(ure

/Surrender0# Some look norml /Es(pe0# And some look so 'ood you would ne"er

)elie"e t!ey !d t!e li&etrp /Countertt(k0#

Alison is n exmple o& someone w!o surren!ers to !er sense o&

de&e(ti"eness# S!e is in tou(! wit! &eelin's o& )ein' in!erently &lwed#

AL*SONF V have ala$s felt there is something rong ith me, !eep insi!e liere

no one can see. 7n! thai I oul! live m$ hole life ithout an$one loving me.

T=E3A2*STF 0hen $ou thin& of someone loving $ou, ho !oes it feelH AL*SONF &t

ma&es me (rin'e#

Alison &eels t!t t!ere is somet!in' )out !er.some se(ret.w!i(!% i& known%

would mke !er utterly un((ept)le# S!e (nnot sy w!t t!t se(ret is#

T!ere is stron' sense t!t% w!te"er Alison6s se(ret is% s!e )elie"es s!e

(nnot (!n'e it# *t is w!t s!e is% !er "ery )ein'# T!e )est s!e (n do is !ide it% nd

try to postpone t!e ine"it)le moment w!en someone 'ets (lose enou'! to &ind out

Alison )elie"es stron'ly t!t no one (ould possi)ly (re )out !er# S!e

(onstntly dis(ounts e"iden(e t!t people like !er nd wnt to )e wit! !er#

AL*SONF V tol! 2atthe that I !i!n5t ant to go to his (rother5s e!!ing.

T=E3A2*STF 0h$ !i! $ou !o thatH I thought $ou ante! to go. AL*SONF Yes, (ut

I &ne 2atthe !i!n5t reaB$ ant me to go. T=E3A2*STF %i!n5t he as& $ouHAL*SONF Yes, (ut I 1ust &ne he realt$ !i!n5t wnt me there.

S!e lso m'ni&ies e"iden(e t!t people dislike nd ree(t !er% e"en wit! us, s!e

tries to twist w!t we sy to imply we do not relly (re )out !er#

T=E3A2*STF 0e ante! to as& $ou if e coul! sitch $our session time

ne?t ee& to an hour earlier. AL*SONF %o $ou $nean$ou !on5t ant to have

our sessionH If $ou !on5t, it5s

o&a$. I mean, if there5s something $ou have to !o. T=E3A2*STF 6o, not at all

Of course e ant to have our session. 0e 1ust

ant to &no if it5s possi(le for $ou to move it (ac& an hour.

Alison is *e+, sel&8puniti"e At "rious times we !"e !erd !er sy% +*6m no 'ood%+

+*6m erk%+ 6*6m wort!less%+ +*6m 'ood8&or8not!in'%+ +* !"e not!in' to o&&er#+ At

t!e )e'innin' o& t!erpy% !er t!inkin' ws &illed wit! put8downs o& !ersel&# And

t!ere were &ew extremely pin&ul moments in t!erpy w!en !er sel&8(riti(ism rose

to sel&8!tred# At t!ese moments% s!e experien(ed !ersel& s + "ile dis'ustin'

person#+

Alison6s De&e(ti"eness li&etrp mkes !er mu(! too "ulner)le in

reltions!ips# T!e ot!er person !s so mu(! power to !urt !er# S!e does not prote(t

!ersel& or de&end !ersel&# Eliot is t t!e opposite end o& t!e spe(trum# =e !s

7ulity o& invulnera(ilit$. No one (n tou(! !im# =e !s de"eloped t!e

Countertt(kin' style o& (opin' so e&&e(ti"ely t!t most people ne"er suspe(t in

&(t Eliot !imsel& is lr'ely unwre o& !is own deep &eelin's o& s!me#

Eliot is n exmple o& &r'ile nr(issist# A nr(issist is someone w!o l(ks

empt!y% )lmes ot!ers &or pro)lems% nd !s stron' sense o&entitlement. 2eople

like Eliot !"e de"eloped t!is nr(issism to &i'!t )(k 'inst t!eir underlyin'

&eelin's t!t no one will e"er lo"e or respe(t t!em# *t is s i& t!ey re syin' to t!e

worldF +* will )e so demndin'% (t so superior% nd )e(ome so spe(il t!t you will

ne"er )e )le to i'nore or (riti(i4e me 'in#+ /T!is is n exmple o& t!e

Countertt(k (opin' style we des(ri)e in C!pter B# ;ou (n red more )out

nr(issism nd !ow it (n )e (!n'ed% in t!e (!pter on Entitlement0

Nr(issists will !old onto t!eir sel&8(en)eredness t lmost ll (osts# Eliot ws

wt(!in' !is mrri'e to womn !e lo"ed deeply disinte'rte% yet !e ws un)le

to dmit t!t !e !d pro)lems# =e would rt!er lose e"eryt!in' t!n risk mkin'

!imsel& "ulner)le# T!is is o&ten t!e (se# <ntil t!eir )(ks re 'inst t!e wll%

nr(issists will not (!n'e# As wit! Eliot% t!e t!ret o& )ndonment is one t!in'

t!t (n sometimes moti"te nr(issist to (!n'e#

MA3*AF 6o matter ho much he hurt me, no matter ho much pain I as in, it

!i!n5t ma&e an$ !ifference. I coul! cr$ a thousan! tears, an! he oul! &eep

seeing that oman. It as onl$ hen he sa I as reaS$ leaving that he

agree! to stop seeing her.

1BH



Eliot nd Mri (oth !"e t!e De&e(ti"eness li&etrp# =e counterattac&s !is

underlyin' s!me t!rou'! nr(issism% w!ile s!e surren!ers to !er sense o&

wort!lessness# =e ree(ts !er% nd s!e is t!e "i(tim o& ree(tion# To'et!er t!ey

reen(t t!eir ori'inl drm o& ree(tion )y t!e prent,

*& you !"e t!e De&e(ti"eness li&etrp% you pro))ly lie somew!ere )etween

t!e two extremes represented )y Alison nd Eliot 2er!ps you llow yoursel& to )e

7uite "ulner)le in some res )ut not in ot!ers# We !"e mny ptients like t!is#

T!ey (ome in "ery willin' to tlk )out t!eir li"es% )ut w!en (ertin topi(s rise%

t!ey skirt t!e issue# T!ese topi(s mke t!em &eel s!med or de&e(ti"e#

*t is relti"ely unusul &or ptients to (ome in knowin' t!t t!ey &eel

de&e(ti"e# Most ptients msk or "oid t!ese &eelin's in some wy )e(use it is so

pin&ul to experien(e t!e extrordinry sel&8!tred nd s!me (onne(ted wit! t!is

li&etrp# Wit!out reli4in' it people stri"e to keep t!emsel"es unwre o& t!eir

&eelin's o& s!me# T!ey (ome to t!erpy (omplinin' o& ot!er t!in's% o&

reltions!ip pro)lems or depression#

;ou my experien(e (!roni(% "'ue un!ppiness wit!out )ein' )le to

explin w!y# ;ou do not reli4e t!t your depression is &un(tion o& your ne'ti"e

"iew o& yoursel&# 9eelin' unwort!y nd n'ry t yoursel& is lr'e prt o&

depression# ;ou my &eel t!t you !"e )een depressed your w!ole li&e. kind o&

low8le"el depression lurkin' in t!e )(k'round#

*& your primry (opin' style is Es(pe% you my !"e ddi(tions or

(ompulsions# Drinkin'% dru's% o"erworkin'% nd o"eretin' re ll wys o&

num)in' yoursel& to "oid t!e pin o& &eelin' wort!less#

T=E O3*G*NS O9 T=E DE9ECT*@ENESS L*9ET3A2

1# Someone in your &mily ws extremely (riti(l% demenin'% or

puniti"e towrd you# ;ou were repetedly (riti(i4ed or punis!ed &or

!ow you looked% !ow you )e!"ed% or w!t you sid#

?#;ou were mde to &eel Eke disppointment )y prent#

#;ou were ree(ted or unlo"ed )y one or )ot! o& your prents#

B#;ou were sexully% p!ysi(lly% or emotionlly )used )y &mily

mem)er#

# ;ou were )lmed ll t!e time &or t!in's t!t went wron' in your

&mily#

B9 ;our prent told you repetedly t!t you were )d% wort!less% or

'ood8&or8not!in'#

H# ;ou were repetedly (ompred in n un&"or)le wy wit! your

)rot!ers or sisters% or t!ey were pre&erred o"er you#

# One o& your prents le&t !ome nd you )lmed yoursel&#

T!e De&e(ti"eness li&etrp (omes &rom &eelin'unlova(le or not respecte! s

(!ild# ;ou were repetedly ree(ted or (riti(i4ed )y one or )ot! o& your prents#

AL*SONF V once rea! this (ooh that sai! that the purpose of a oman5s 4fe teas to

inspire love. @t ala$s struc& me that that5s hat I5ve (een una(le to !o.

Inspire love.

De&e(ti"eness is 'lo)l &eelin'# *t is t!e sense o& )ein' unwort!y o& lo"e ;ou &elt

so &lwed or inde7ute t!t e"en your prent (ould not lo"e you or "lue you &or

w!o you re#

;ou lmost (ertinly &elt t!t your prent ws right to (riti(i4e you% de"lue

you% ree(t you% or not 'i"e you lo"e ;ou &elt t!t you deser"ed it# As (!ild% you

)lmed yoursel&# E"eryt!in' !ppened )e(use $ou were so wort!less% inde7ute

&lwed% nd de&e(ti"e# 9or t!is reson% you pro))ly did not &eel n'ry )out t!e

wy you were treted# 3t!er% you &elt s!med nd sd#

Alison6s li&etrp is lr'ely t!e result o& !er &t!er6s (riti(lness# =e mde it

(ler "ery erly t!t s!e ws disppointment#

AL*SONF V 1ust asn5t hat he ante! in an$ a$, reall$. I felt that ever$'thing

a(out me as rong. 0e use! to sit at the !inner ta(le, an! hen I as -uiet,

he oul! criticie me for not tal&ing9 hen I tal&e!, he oul! tell me ho

(oring I as.

S!e incorporate! !er &t!er6s (riti(lness# =er &t!er6s "iew o& !er )e(me !er "iew

o& !ersel&#

AL*SONF I 1ust &eep thin&ing, h$ oul! 2atthe ant to marr$ meH I have

nothing to offer. I5m so immature. I 1ust !on 5 have hat it ta&es to &eep a

1B



EL*OTF 2$ pro(lem as that m$ (rother as such a har! act to follo. 4e as

(etter loo&ing, smarter, funnier. 7n! he treate! me 4&e !irt. <ust h&e m$ parents !i!. 4e5! pic& on me an! the$5! laugh. 4e ala$s got the (est of

ever$thing an! I teas left ith han!me !ons. 0eS, he !oesn5t have the (est of

ever$thing no. * have it no, an! he5s nothing.

De&e(ti"eness is o&ten &ormed t!rou'! (omprisons wit! &"ored si)lin'# Older

si)lin's o&ten &oster t!is li&etrp# *t is esy &or t!em to )e )etter t e"eryt!in'

)e(use t!ey re older# T!ey re smrter% &ster% stron'er% or more (ompetent# Older

si)lin's re o&ten (riti(l o& t!eir youn'er% less tlented si)lin's#

=umilition ws prominent t!eme in Elio& s (!ild!ood# A'in nd 'in% !is

s!ort(omin's were t!e o)e(t o& ridi(ule#

EL*OTF I remem(er one time m$ !a! as going to ta&e me an! m$ (rother to a (all

game. #hen m$ (rother got sic& an! coul!n5t go. #he !a$ e ere suppose! to

go, I got !resse! an! as aiting ($ the !oor. I as all e?cite!. 2$ father

came !on an! loo&e!at me, an! as&e! me here I thought < as going. I

sai! the (all game, an! he sai! he5! have to (e cra$ to go all the a$ to the

game 1ust for me.

I never let him &no I ante! an$thing from him again.

Eliot lerned to !ide !is true t!ou'!ts nd &eelin's# =is true sel& )e(me se(ret%

known only to !im# T!is wy% !e &elt less "ulner)le# =e (ould mintin sense o&

pride# *t ws too dn'erous to re"el !imsel&# Anyt!in' !e o&&ered ws met wit!

(riti(l eye# 3e"elin' !imsel& ment riskin' exposure to s!me% nd t!e worst

s!me ws )ein' exposed s wntin' lo"e#

We py !i'! pri(e &or )uryin' our true sel& in t!e wy Eliot did *t is 'ret

loss% like det! Spontneity% oy% trust% nd intim(y re ll lost% nd t!ey re

repl(ed )y 'urded% s!ut8down s!ell T!e person (onstru(ts &lse sel&# T!is &lse

sel& is !rder% less esily wounded# ut no mtter !ow !rd t!e exterior% deep inside

t!ere is pin )out losin' one6s true sel&#

T!e d"nt'e o& )uildin' t!is prote(ti"e s!ell is t!t you o&ten &eel )etter

dy8to8dy# At lest on t!e sur&(e% you seem to )e doin' well# ut it is n illusion#

*nside you still feel de&e(ti"e nd unlo"ed# T!e pro)lem wit! t!e s!ell is t!t you

ne"er relly ddress t!e(ore issue# A true sel& t!t stys !idden (nnot !el# ;ou

!"e to stop settlin' &or illusion nd strt 'oin' &or t!e rel t!in'#

*t is "ery importnt to reli4e t!t t!e De&e(ti"eness li&etrp isnot usuall$

(ase! cm a real !efect. E"en people w!o !"e serious p!ysi(l or mentl !ndi(ps

do not ne(essrily de"elop t!is li&etrp# T!e (ru(il &(tor is not t!e presen(e o&

de&e(t% )ut rt!er !ow you re mde to &eel )out yoursel& )y your prents nd t!e

ot!er mem)ers o& your &mily# *& you re lo"ed% "lued% nd respe(ted )y your

&mily mem)ers.re'rdless o& your (tul stren't!s nd weknesses.you willlmost (ertinly not &eel wort!less% s!med% or de&e(ti"e

DANGE3 S*GNALS W=*LE DAT*NG

1#;ou "oid dtin' lto'et!er#

?#;ou tend to !"e series o& s!ort% intense &&irs% or se"erl &&irs

simultneously#

# ;ou re drwn to prtners w!o re (riti(l o& you nd put you

down ll t!e time

B# ;ou re drwn to prtners w!o re p!ysi(lly or emotionlly

)usi"e towrd you#

# ;ou re most ttr(ted to prtners w!o re not t!t interested in

you% !opin' you (n win t!eir lo"e#

# ;ou re only drwn to t!e most ttr(ti"e nd desir)le prtners%

e"en w!en it is o)"ious t!t you will not )e )le to ttin t!em#

H# ;ou re most (om&ort)le wit! prtners w!o do not wnt to know

you "ery deeply#

# ;ou only dte people you &eel re )elow you% w!om you do not

relly lo"e#

J# ;ou re drwn to prtners w!o re un)le to (ommit to you or

to spend time wit! you on re'ulr )sis# T!ey my )e mrried% insist on

simultneously dtin' ot!er people% tr"el re'ulrly% or li"e in not!er (ity# 1I#

;ou 'et into reltions!ips in w!i(! you put down% )use% or ne'le(t your

prtners#

1I



;ou my (ope wit! your De&e(ti"eness li&etrp )y "oidin' lon'8term% intimte

reltions!ips lto'et!er# ;ou my !"e no reltions!ips t ll#

only s!ort reltions!ips% or multiple reltions!ips# y "oidin' lon'8term(ornmitment% you mke (ertin t!t no one 'ets (lose enou'! to see your inner

&lws#

Anot!er wy you mi'!t "oid intim(y is )y )e(omin' in"ol"ed wit!

someone else w!o does not wnt to )e intimte E"en t!ou'! you re dtin'% you

led prllel li"es w!ere you ne"er 'et too (lose#

Eliot !d series o& &&irs t!rou'!out !is mrri'e, !e ws lwys in"ol"ed

wit! t lest one ot!er womn% sometimes two# =owe"er% only on(e did !e e"er

meet womn t!t !e t!ou'!t !e (ould lo"e# *nterestin'ly% he !i! not as& her out.

Like Eliot% you mi'!t "oid dtin' people w!o relly interest you# ;ou only dte

people you know you (ould ne"er lo"e#

;ou mi'!t !"e reltions!ip wit! person w!o li"es t distn(e% or w!o is

tr"elin' ll t!e time ;ou (n only see t!e person on weekends# T!ere re mny

wys you (n set up reltions!ips to es(pe t!e mtimte (ont(t you &er#

Alison is more willin' t!n Eliot to )e(ome mr$mte, s!e 'ets in"ol"ed wit!

men nd &lls in lo"e# ut s!e is most ttr(ted to men w!o (riti(i4e nd ree(t !er#

=er pre"ious )oy&riend ws t!is wy# S!e styed wit! !im &or yers e"en t!ou'! !e

ws nsty nd insultin' t!e entire time#

Mny people w!o 'et into mso(!isti( reltions!ips.in w!i(! t!ey tolerte

)ein' )dly mistreted.!"e De&e(ti"eness li&etrps# T!ey )si(lly &eel t!t t!is

is ll t!ey deser"e# W!en we sked Alison w!y s!e styed wit! !er pre"ious

)oy&riend &or so lon'% s!e sid% +* &elt * ws lu(ky to !"e someone w!o wnted to

)e wit! me t ll#+

*& you !"e t!e De&e(ti"eness li&etrp% )e (re&ul w!en t!ere is "ery stron'

(!emistry# ;ou pro))ly !"e t!e most rxrwer&ul ttr(tion to prtners w!o (riti(i4e

nd ree(t you# T!ey rein&or(e your &eelin's o& de&e(ti"eness# Criti(l prtners will

&e el famihar )e(use t!ey e(!o your (!ild!ood en"ironment We stron'ly

re(ommend t!t you stop dtin' prtners w!o do not tret you well rt!er t!n try

to win t!em o"er nd 'in t!eir lo"e#

DE9ECT*@ENESS L*9ET3A2S

1# ;ou )e(ome "ery (riti(l o& your prtner on(e you &eel ((epted%

nd your romnti( &eelin's dispper# ;ou t!en (t in demenin' or

(riti(l mnner#

?# ;ou !ide your true sel& so you ne"er relly &eel t!t your prtner

knows you#

#;ou re elous nd possessi"e o& your prtner#

B#;ou (onstntly (ompre yoursel& un&"or)ly wit! ot!er people

nd &eel en"ious nd inde7ute#

# ;ou (onstntly need or demnd ressurn(e t!t your prtner still "lues you#

#;ou put yoursel& down round your prtner#

H#;ou llow your prtner to (riti(i4e you% put you down% or mistret

you%

# ;ou !"e di&&i(ulty ((eptin' "lid (riti(ism, you )e(ome de&en8

si"e or !ostile

J# ;ou re extremely (riti(l o& your (!ildren#

1I# ;ou &eel like n impostor w!en you re su((ess&ul# ;ou &eel

extremely nxious t!t you (nnot mintin your su((ess#

11# ;ou )e(ome despondent or deeply depressed o"er (reer set)(ks

or ree(tions in reltions!ips#

1?# ;ou &eel extremely ner"ous w!en spekin' in pu)li(

*& you do &orm reltions!ip wit! prtner w!o lo"es you nd w!om you (ould

lo"e% t!ere re mny wys you (n rein&or(e your De&e(ti"eness li&etrp wit!in t!e

reltions!ip#

;our (riti(lness (n )e mor pro)lem# *& you re nr(issisti( you my )e

more (om&ort)le wit! prtner you (n see s one8down# T!en you do not !"e to

worry so mu(! )out )ein' &ound out% ud'ed% or ree(ted# Eliot illustrted t!is pttern in !is mrri'e to MriF

MA3*AF Enot pic&s apart ever$thing I !o. 0hen I5m tiith 2m, I feel h&e I5m ala$s

!oing something rong.

11



*n sessions lone wit! us% Eliot would re(ount !is sexul exploits# And% s !e

des(ri)ed e(! womn% t!ere ws lwys somet!in' wron'# T!is one !d t!e wron'

texture o& !ir% t!t one !d le's t!t were too s!ort% t!is one !d too menil o)#*n &(t Eliot !d ex(t spe(i&i(tions &or !is per&e(t womn#

T=E3A2*STF 0hat is it that $ou ant from a relations2pH

EL*OTF 0hat I ant most is a oman ith (lon!e hair, tall (ut not too taS, li&e not

a(ove =5H5, tan s&in. Sam an! athletic. 6ot too (ig (reasts. I ant her to !ress

&in! of prepp$. You &no, that !ean loo&, (ut ith

an art$ e!ge. 7n! I ant her to (e successful, (ut not too successful 6ot

more successful than I am laughsP.

T=E3A2*STF 4ave $ou ever foun! herH

EL*OTF 6ot even !ose.

Eliot (riti(i4es !is prtners &or &ilin' to meet !is spe(i&i(tions# *n t!is wy% !e

keeps !imsel& &rom (rin' too mu(! )out !ow t!ey &eel towrd !im# *& you !"e

t!e De&e(ti"eness li&etrp% you my lso try to de"lue your prtners# ;ou )elie"e

t!t truly desir)le prtner will see your &lws nd mrimtely ree(t you#

T!e person Eliot (riti(i4es most is t!e person !e lo"es most.!is wi&e Mri%

*n &(t% t!e "e!emen(e wit! w!i(! !e (riti(i4es !er is one o& t!e si'ns o& !is lo"e#

W!en Eliot &eels !is lo"e &or !er% it in(reses !er "lue% nd lmost re&lexi"ely !e

ls!es out t !er#

;ou my &eel t!t nyone w!o (ould lo"e ye must )e low in "lue nywy#T!is is t!e old Grou(!o Mrx line% +* ne"er would wnt to )elon' to (lu) t!t

would !"e me s mem)er#+ *t is s i&% in lo"in' you% your prtner does somet!in'

wron'#

EL*OTF Each of m$ relationships is a con-uest for me. IgetaUe?!te!a(out

the pursuit, (ut hen I finall$ in her, I lose interest. T=E3A2*STF 7t hat

point !o $ou in herH EL*OTF Dause) I guess it5s hen she starts to care a(out me.

3omnti( reltions!ips re t!e most intimte% so your &lse sel& mo"es into &ull 'er#

As Alison puts it% 61 lwys &eet like *6m puttin' on n (t wit! Mtt!ew#+ T!e

&ilure to )e 'enuine is (ommon pttern wit! t!is li&etrp# ;ou )elie"e t!t only

your &lse sel& is wort!y o& lo"e y !idin' your true sel&% you ne"er )elie"e t!t

your prtner lo"es t!e rel you# y not )ein' (ompletely open% you rein&or(e your

sense t!t t!e rel sel& is s!me&ul nd unlo")le# ;our 'retest terror my )e o&

)ein' exposedF t!t e"entully your prtner will see t!rou'! your (t to t!e

de&e(ti"e person )enet!#

ALrSONF I 1ust &no that I5ll marr$ 2m an! one !a$ he5ll turn aroun! an! fell me

that it5s aU (een a mista&e, that he !oesn 5f reaS$ love me. I !on5t reall$

un!erstan! h$ he hasn5t !one it $et. 8ut he5s gonna !o it sometime.

T=E3A2*STF 7n! $ou5re 1ust aiting.

AL*SONF Yes. It5s onl$ a matter of time.

;ou my eveD, like Alison% (onsider endin' the reltions!ip# T!e sitution is so

&ru'!t wit! nxiety t!t you &eel t!t you (nnot stnd it nymore#

En"y nd elousy re lmost lwys &(ets o& t!e De&e(ti"eness li&etrp# ;ou

re (onstntly (omprin' yoursel& un&"or)ly to ot!er people#

AL*SONF 0henever e go out, li&e to a (ar or a part$, I ala$s feel U&e &e ants

to (e ith the other omen more than ith me. 4e tells me I5m cra$, an! in a

a$ I thin& I am. I mean he !oesn5t fiirl or an$thing. It5s 1ust that I start

thin&ing that the other omen are prettier or se?ier or more interesting. I

oul! rather (e ith them if I ere 2m. If &e even so much as tal&s to

another oman, I get ver$ upset.

Alison ideli4es ot!er women nd ex''ertes !er own &lws# W!en s!e mkes

(omprisons% it is !rd &or !er to win# S!e spends mu(! o& t!e time &eelin' t!t

ot!er women re more desir)le t!n s!e#

To ressure !ersel& t!t Mtt!ew still (res% Alison )rr'es !im wit!

7uestionsF +;ou wnt to )e wit! !er% don6t you+ +Don6t you t!ink t!t 'irl6s prettier

t!n me+ S!e !n's onto Mtt!ew% &rid to le"e !im lone =er ttempts to

insulte !im &rom !er ri"ls usully )(k&ire# S!e (omes (ross s needy nd

inse(ure% w!i(! dri"es Mtt!ew wy# T!is tends to lower !er "lue in !is eyes#

Mtt!ew des(ri)ed t!is pro(ess in one o& our (ouples sessions#

1?



MATT=EWF #he other night e ent out !ancing ith m$ frien!, :evin, an! his

ne girlfrien!, Et$ssa. 7lison got all sul&$, an! starte! sa$ing that I5! rather

(e ith El$ssa. @or no reason. It as a real !rag. I reall$ love 72son, (ut I !on5t ant to (e ith someone here I can5t

even go to the (athroom for five minutes ithout (eing accuse! of tr$ing to

pla$ aroun!.

;ou my not )e s o)"ious s Alison# Like Eliot% you my !"e lerned to !ide your

&eelin's o& elousy% )ut inside you pro))ly &eel s t!ey doF t!t t!e world is &illed

wit! more desir)le (ompetitors &or your lo"er#

;ou my lso &ind it di&&i(ult to tolerte (riti(ism# ;ou re pro))ly

!ypersensiti"e to it# E"en sli'!t (riti(ism (n led you to &eel enormous s!me#

;ou my "e!emently deny t!t you !"e done nyt!in' wron'% or put down t!e

person w!o is (riti(i4in' you# T!is is )e(use to (knowled'e ny &lw is to let in

&lood o& pin&ul &eelin's relted to De&e(ti"eness# T!us% you prote(t yoursel& )y

denyin' ny &lw% mistke% or error# ;our de&ensi"eness nd in)ility to tke

(riti(ism (n )e serious pro)lem#

As we !"e noted% you re likely to &eel t!e mot (!emistry towrd prtners

w!o tri''er your De&e(ti"eness li&etrp# T!e &lip side is t!t you tend to 'et )ored

wit! people w!o tret you well# T!is is your prdoxF you wnt lo"e so mu(!% )ut

t!e more your prtner 'i"es you lo"e% t!e less ttr(ted you &eel# T!is is ex(tly

w!t !ppened wit! Eliot nd Mri#

EL*OT, 0lien e first met, I as ma!l$ in love ith her. reall$ tliought this as it

for me, I oul! never nee! an$(o!$ else. 8ut, after e got marrie!, ; 1ust lost

it for her. I stoppe! anting to sleep ith her. 0e haven5t slept together in

over a $ear.

@ou !"e t!e most (!emistry6 in situtions t!t rein&or(e your de&e(ti"eness% *t is

(onsistent wit! your sel&8im'e# *t some!ow &eels lien to !"e someone you "lue

"lue you#

T!ese re t!e two sides o& t!e swin' &or you# At one extreme you pursue

someone you desire !i'!ly# ;ou &eel one8down# T!e (!emistry is !i'! nd t!e &er

is !i'!# At t!e ot!er extreme% you pursue someone w!o lo"es nd ((epts you# ;ou

re less &rid% )ut you soon de"lue your prtner nd lose t!e (!emistry#

De&e(ti"eness is present in ot!er (lose reltions!ips s well# One dn'er we

mentioned erlier is t!t you my try to lly your own &eelin's o& s!me )y

)e(omin' (riti(l nd ree(tin' o& your own (!ildren# ;ou do to t!em w!t ws

done to you# ;ou s(pe'ot t!em# T!ey re "ulner)le nd inno(ent nd (nnot stop

you#

MA3LAF E4ot pic&s on the chil!ren aS the time. 4e harps on ever$ possi(le little

fla. Ever$ little tlung. 4e !oesn 5I realie ho much it hurts them.

2uttin' down your (!ildren mkes you &eel )etter )out yoursel&% t lest

temporrily#

Mny people w!o ttin 7ui(k su((ess nd t!en )e(ome sel&8destru(ti"e /&or

exmple% t!rou'! dru's or l(o!ol0 !"e underlyin' De&e(ti"eness li&etrps# T!is is

o&ten true o& (ele)rities% (tors% nd entrepreneursF su((ess is so dis(repnt &rom

w!t t!ey relly &eel t!t t!ey re un)le to mintin it T!e pressure to mintin t!e

su((ess w!en t!ey &eel so )d )out t!emsel"es )e(omes o"erw!elmin'% nd mny

&ll prt

*& you use su((ess in your (reer to mke up or (ompenste &or &eelin's o&

de&e(ti"eness% t!en your sense o& well8)ein' my )e 7uite &r'ile% ;our w!ole sense

o& wort! )e(omes )uilt on your su((ess# Any smll de&ltion or &ilure my )e

enou'! to mke you ner"ous# *& somet!in' serious !ppens.i& you 'et &ired% 'o

)nkrupt% !"e )usiness re"ersl% or 'et snu))ed )y !i'!er8up.it t!rows you

)(k into t!t s!me&ui &eelin'# ;ou my operte only t extremesF eit!er you re

su((ess&ul nd &eel wonder&ul )out yoursel&% or you &il nd (ollpse utterly into

&eelin's o& wort!lessness#

$o)s t!t re7uire pu)li( spekin' my )e prti(ulr pro)lem &or you# ;ou

&eel exposed# 2u)li( spekin' nxiety is prti(ulrly (ommon mon' people wit!

De&e(ti"eness li&etrps# T!e sense is t!t some!ow people will see t!rou'! you#

2er!ps% t!rou'! your nxiety symptoms.swetin'% s!kin'% your "oi(e (r(kin' .t!ey will sense your de&e(ti"eness#

C=ANG*NG ;O<3 DE9ECT*@ENESS L*9ET3A2

.9 <nderstnd your (!ild!ood &eelin's o& de&e(ti"eness nd s!me8

1



9eel t!e wounded (!ild wit!in you#

?# List si'ns t!t you mi'!t )e (opin' wit! De&e(ti"eness t!rou'!

Es(pe or Countertt(k /i#e#% "oidin' or (ompenstin']#

#Try to stop t!ese )e!"iors desi'ned to Es(pe or Countertt(k#

B#Monitor your &eelin's o& de&e(ti"eness nd s!me#

#List t!e menVwomen w!o !"e ttr(ted you most nd t!e ones

w!o !"e ttr(ted you lest#

# List your de&e(ts nd ssets s (!ild nd teen'er# T!en list

your (urrent de&e(ts nd ssets#

H#E"lute t!e seriousness o& your (urrent de&e(ts#

#Strt pro'rm to (!n'e t!e de&e(ts t!t re (!n'e)le#

J#Write letter to your (riti(l prentis0#

1I# Write &ls!(rd &or yoursel&#

11# Try to )e more 'enuine in (lose reltions!ips#

1?# A((ept lo"e &rom t!e people (lose to you#

1# Stop llowin' people to tret you )d&y#

1B# *& you re in reltions!ip w!ere you re t!e (riti(l prtner% try

to stop puttin' your prtner down# Do t!e sme in ot!er dose

reltions!ips#

. Un!erstan! Your ful!hoo!%efectiveness an! Shame. @eel the 0oun!e! hil!

0ittiin You. T!e &irst step is to re8experien(e your erly &eelin's o& de&e(ti"eness

nd s!me# W!ere did t!e li&etrp (ome &rom W!o (riti(i4ed nd s!med you

W!o mde you &eel in"lid nd unlo"ed Ws it your

1B



1 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

mot!er &t!er )rot!er sister T!e nswer lmost (ertinly lies in your erly

&mily li&e

Try to remem)er s mu(! s possi)le )out spe(i&i( e"ents# ;ou (n use

p!oto'rp!s to !elp you# ;ou (n return to &milir pl(es &rom your (!ild!ood% nd

you (n utili4e im'ery#

W!en you !"e some time to yoursel& sit in drkened room in (om&ort)le

(!ir# Close your eyes nd let im'es o& your (!ild!ood (ome# Do not &or(e t!em%

ust let t!em &lot to t!e sur&(e o& your mind# *& you need somew!ere to )e'in% strt

wit! somet!in' in your (urrent li&e t!t tri''ers &eelin' o& de&e(ti"eness#

AL*SONF V remem(er hen I as tittle, ma$(e a(out seven, m$ uncle put a M=T,TTT

(on! in m$ name. Of course, he reall$ !i! it for m$ mother, (ut someho at

the time I as confuse! an! thought he !i! it for me. 8ecause he U&e! me or

something. I remem(er (eing reaS$ em(arrasse! to see him after I foun! out

T=E3A2*STF an $ou get an image of itH

AL*SONF loses e$es.) I see m$self in m$ room. I5m getting !resse!. 2$ mother

has 1ust tol! me that e5re going to m$ uncle5s house. I5m getting !resse!

reall$ carefull$. I ant to loo& goo! for m$ uncle.

0hen I finall$ come out, I as& m$ father ho I loo&. 4e ieSs me might

as ell get un!resse!, I5m not going to m$ uncle5s. 4e an! m$ mother are

going ithout me. 4e sa$s that5s 1ust hat m$ uncle ants, a hining (rat

hanging aroun!

I get ma! an! I tell him m$ uncle !oes so ant to see me, or else h$

oul! he give me so much mone$H

2$ fattier laughs, sa$ing !o I actuall$ thin& the gift has an$thing to !o .ith

me. T=E3A2*STF 4o !o $ou feelH

AL*SONF I feel that same a$. E?pose! Li&e all of a su!!en I realie the gift asn5t

reall$ for me. I5m em(arrasse! that I got all !resse! up, an! the gift asn5t

reall$ for me. I5m stan!ing in the hoS, an! I feel so e?pose! I5m tr$ing reall$

har! not to cr$.

We wnt you to &eel t!t (!ild w!o wnted lo"e )ut insted 'ot disppro"l nd

ree(tion# 2i(ture yoursel& s (!ild wntin' t!ose t!in's# And pi(ture t!e people

you lo"e not 'i"in' t!em to you# Allow yoursel& to reli"e t!t ori'inl pin#

rin' yoursel& in s n dult nd (om&ort t!t (!ild in t!e im'es# Com&ort%

lo"e% prise% nd support (n !el s!me#

AL*SONF (ring m$self into the image. ta&e that Stile girl5s han!, an! lea! her

aa$ from her father. 0e go outsi!e the house an! far aa$. ta&e her on m$

lap an! roc& an! &iss her. I tell her that I love her, that it ill (e o&a$, that if

she ants to a$ she can.

Link t!ese erly &eelin's wit! your De&e(ti"eness li&etrp tody# Cn you &eel t!e

wounded (!ild w!o wnted ppro"l nd "lidtion

+. List Signs #hat You 2ight 8e oping ith %efectiveness #hrough Escape

or ounterattac& i., ($ avoi!ing or overcompensating). Are you !yper(rit8

i(l o& ot!er people Are you de&ensi"e )out (riti(ism Do you de"lue t!e

people you l"e Do you o"eremp!si4e sttus or su((ess Do you try to

impress people Do you sk &or ressurn(e in(essntly T!ese re t!e

wys you Countertt(k or o"er(ompenste#

Do you )use l(o!ol or dru's Do you o"eret or o"erwork Do you "oid

'ettin' (lose to people Are you "ery (losed )out dis(ussin' personl &eelin's Are

you !yper"i'ilnt )out ree(tion T!ese re t!e wys you Es(pe or "oid#

Mke expli(it t!e wys you Es(pe or Countertt(k to ( ope wit! your &eelin's

o& de&e(ti"eness# Wt(! yoursel& nd write t!em down#

J. #r$ to Stop #hese 8ehaviors %esigne! to Escape or ounterattac&. T!is

will llow your &eelin's o& de&e(ti"eness to sur&(e more redily# ;ou

(nnot del wit! your li&etrp until you re in tou(! wit! it#

9or exmple% you my pl(e too mu(! emp!sis on su((ess s wy o&

(ompenstin' &or your &eelin's o& wort!lessness# ;ou try to dispro"e your

de&e(ti"eness )y pro"in' you re o& "lue# ut t!e pro)lem is% you o"erdo it# *t

)e(omes your sole &o(us% nd your li&e strts to re"ol"e round su((ess# Eliot

displyed t!is ptternF

EL*OTF V ala$s maintain that the main reason I !on5t spen! more time ith m$

famil$ is time. I !on5t have the time. I5m at the clu( from eleven in the morning

till three or four in the morning at least five nights a ee&.

MA3*AF 7n! he spen!s the !a$s he is home recovering. 4e reall$ !oesn5t

ant to !o much (ut lie in (e! or atch television.

T=E3A2*STF 7ll $ou !o is or& or recover from or&.



1 H 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

c? 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E =ere is

Alison6s list,

ASSETS AS A C=*LD O3 TEENAGE3

1# * ws smrt#

?# * ws sensiti"e#

#1 ws pretty 'ood to ot!er people

B#1 (ould sin'#

# * )d leders!ip 7ulities# /1 ws !ed (!eerleder nd (lss repre8

sentti"e o& my unior nd senior (lss#0

# * ws 'ood to my youn'er )rot!er nd sister#

H#1 ws populr wit! ot!er 'irls#

DE9ECTS AS A C=*LD O3 TEENAE3

1# *& s !rd &or me to sy w!t my de&e(ts were# ) ust didn6t !"e mu(! to o&&er

nyone No one relly wnted to )e wit! me# * !"e lwys &elt t!t t!ere is

somet!in' )out me t!t people don6t like# * (n6t relly sy w!t it is# *t is

somet!in' )out me t!t ot!er people (n see# oys in prti(ulr didn6t

like me W!en * ws teen'er% )oys didn6t sk me out#

*t ws interestin' &or Alison to see !ow mu(! trou)le s!e !d writin' t!is list#

AL*SONF It5s funn$, (ut riting the positive parts ma!e me upset. It as

har! for me to 1ust sa$ hat as goo! a(out me.

T=E3A2*STF It5s so alien to $ou.

AL*SONF 7n! riting the negative part as har! too. 7t first it surprise! me that I

cot!!n 5i thin& of an$ !efects. 8ut then I realie! it asn5t an$ one thing a(out

me. It as ho I as.

Alison !d similr experien(e writin' t!e list &or !ersel& now# Alt!ou'! it ws not

esy% s!e ws )le to 'enerte mny positi"e 7ulities# ut s!e !d di&&i(ulty listin'

ny si'ni&i(nt de&e(ts# =er only e"iden(e ws t!t s!e felt de&e(ti"e

T!ese lists represent t!e e"iden(e t!t you re de&e(ti"e "ersus t!e e"iden(e

t!t you !"e "lue# Exmine t!e e"iden(e Writin' t!e lists !elped Alison to see

t!t t!ere were positi"e t!in's )out !er t!t s!e tended to dis(ount#

;ou (n lso turn to &mily nd (lose &riends &or !elp de"elopin' your lists#

/O& (ourse% do not sk t!e people in your &mily w!o '"e you t!e li&etrp in t!e

&irst pl(e#0 At &irst Alison (ould not 'enerte ny positi"e 7ulities t ll# S!e ws

ust un((ustomed to minkin' t!t wy#

AL*SONF You &no, each positive -ualit$ thai people tol! me a(out, m$ first

reaction as that I &ne that, (ut I 1ust !i!n5t thin& it as ver$ important. I

mean, I &no I5m a nice person, I &no there ere goo! things a(out me. I

1ust !i!n5t thin& that it maliere!in terms of m$ total orth.

T=E3A2*STF You automaticall$ !evalue ever$thing $ou !o ell.

W!en you t!ink o& 'ood 7ulities% do not minimi4e t!em nd le"e t!em o&& t!e list

*& people 'i"e you positi"e &eed)(k t!t you &ind !rd to )elie"e% in(lude it

nywy# *n(lude e"eryt!in'% wit!out pssin' ud'ment

2ly down 7ulities t!t re su((ess8oriented.ssets t!t my )e prt o& your

&lse sel&# And w!en you sk people w!t t!ey "lue )out you% )e sure to 'et

spe(i&i(s# Do not settle &or 'enerl (omments like +;ou6re 'ret%+ or +* like you#+

<nless t!ey spe(i&y w!t t!ey like% you will ssume t!ey re des(ri)in' only your

&lse sel& nd not t!e rel you#

;ou will )e surprised to &ind t!t people re !ppy to 'i"e you &eed)(k# We

!"e seen m4in' (!n'es in ptients6 &eelin's )out t!emsel"es ust )y )ein'

willin' to sk &or positi"e &eed)(k &rom t!eir &riends nd lo"ed ones%

7. Evaluate the Seriousness of Your urrent %efects. W!en your list is &inis!ed% sk

yoursel& !ow you would &eel )out someone else w!o !d t!ese ssets nd

li)ilities# Keep in mind t!t e"eryone !s &lws# E"eryone !s )ot! 'ood nd )d

7ulities#

AL*SONF V have to a!mit I oul! thin& this as an o&a$ person. 2a$(e someone

ho has pro(lems ith men, (ut an o&a$ person. 8ut I still &eel that I5m not

o&a$. I mean I know I5m o&a$, (ut I still feel 4&e I5m not.



T=E DE9ECT*@ENESS LS9ET3A2 1

Like Alison% you my not &eel )etter t t!is point ut we wnt you to re(o'ni4e%

intelle(tully t lest% t!t you re wort!w!ile person# And we wnt you to )e

)le to sy w!y#

3e"iew your ssets list dily# Try not to dis(ount t!em nymore# C!ip wy t

t!e li&etrp# T!is will !elp you mke t!e 'rdul trnsition &rom intelle(tul

knowled'e to emotionl ((eptn(e#

. Start a Drogram to orrect the @las #hat 7re hangea(le. W!i(! o& your

limittions (ould you (!n'e Mny people &ind t!t t!eir de&e(ts re situtionl or (!n'e)le% not in!erent or immut)le Strt pro'rm to (orre(t t!e limittions

you (n (!n'e#

We o&ten &ind t!t t!e de&e(ts ptients list re t!e result o& t!eir li&etrp% not

t!e (use# T!t is% t!ey re t!e mni&esttions o& t!e li&etrp itsel&# ot! Alison nd

Eliot &ound t!t lot o& t!eir &lws were (tully me(!nisms t!ey !d de"eloped

to (ope wit! t!eir &eelin's o& de&e(ti"eness#

9or exmple% we tried to pie(e to'et!er Alison6s de&e(t% t!t +)oys

didn6t like me+ /w!i(! trnslted into +Men don6t &ind me ttr(ti"e+ on !er

dult list0# S!e sked some o& !er mle &riends% nd t!ey (on&irmed s!e !d

some ttri)utes t!t mi'!t )e unttr(ti"e to men# si(lly% s!e (me

(ross s too e'er nd too inse(ure# We (ould (on&irm t!is s well% )sed

on !er reltions!ip wit! us# ut% all of these (ehaviors are hfetrap'!rvven.

*n &(t% Alison (ould not nme sin'le de&e(t t!t ws independent o& !er

li&etrp# Clerly% !er de&e(ti"eness re&le(ted !ow s!e !d )een treted s

(!ild% nd not nyt!in' )out w!o s!e ws# ba

On(e Alison )e(me wre o& t!ese li&etrp8dri"en )e!"iors% it ws &irly

esy &or !er to stop t!em#

AL*SONF 0hen I5m ith 2atthe, an! I feel all nee!$ an! 1ealous, I teU m$self it

on5t lielp at all to start (uggirig him a(out it tell m$self ii ill 1ust ma&e

me fe! tvorse.

T=E3A2*STF 4o ill ii ma&e $ou feelH

AL*SONF 0ea& an! &in! of orthless. Dlus it gets him ma! at me. It 1ust !oesn5t

help. I !o the same thing hen I5m at or&, an! I get the urge to call lum to

ma&e sure he still cares. I stop m$self. I tell m$self it on5t help at all. I fe!

much (etter since I5ve stoppe! ma&ing those frantic phone calls.

T=E3A2*STF So, if $ou !on5t start acting nee!$, hat !o $ou !o instea!H

AL*SONF V tal& to m$self. I teU. m$self it5s o&a$, he loves me. I teU m$self I5m

orth$ of his love. T=E3A2*STF Foo!.

You comfort $ourself.

Similrly% Eliot6s &lws were mostly &orms o& (ountertt(k or wys !e

o"er(ompenstedF !is (riti(lness% !is need to impress people% !is work8

!olism% !is in&idelity# As we noted )e&ore% Eliot 'reed to stop t!ese )e!"iors &or one

mont!#

EL*OTF #he o!! thing is that I feel more rela?e! an! more in control.

Especiall$ at or&. 6o(o!$5s throing me off at s.

T=E3A2*STF It5s a feeling of (eing more centere!.

W!t ws !rd &or Eliot ws spendin' time wit! !is wi&e nd (!ildren )ein' !imsel&#

Suddenly !e ws &(e8to8&(e wit! t!em% wit! !is msk o&&#

EL*OTF I feel nervous aroun! them. Li&e I !on5t -uite &no hat to tal& a(out. 7n! I

feel ashame! of ho I treate! them. Especiall$ the &i!s.

T=E3A2*STF #fie important thing is that $ou5re treating them eS no.

EL*OTF It5s true. 2aria an! the &i!s seem happier.

T=E3A2*STF 0hat a(out $ouH # EL*OTF Yes. 7t some level I5m happier too. Li&e the

other !a$, m$ $ounger !aughter thre her arms aroun! me an! gave me a &iss. It

startle! me. She ha!n H !one that in a long lime.

*. 0rite a Letter to Your ritical Darentis). We wnt you to write letters to t!e people

in your &mily w!o (riti(i4ed you w!en you were (!iid#You are un!er no pressure

to sen!ihese letters. *n &(t% you pro))ly will not wnt to send t!em T!e importnt

t!in' is &or you &o &eel totlly &ree to express your &eelin's in t!e letters# We wnt you

to "ent t!e n'er nd t!e sdness in response to t!e people w!o treted you )dly# We

wnt you to tal& (ac&.

Tell t!em w!t t!ey did to you w!en you were (!ild# Tell t!em !ow it &elt to

)e (riti(i4ed nd in"lidted# Explin w!y you did not deser"e to )e treted t!is wy#

Stress t!e 'ood 7ulities you !d t!t t!ey o"erlooked or downplyed#

Tell t!em !ow you wis!ed it (ould !"e )een# Tell t!em )out t!e support nd

ppro"l you needed.w!t it would !"e ment to you nd !ow it would !"e

(!n'ed your li&e# And tell t!em w!t you wnt &rom t!em now#

Do not mke ex(uses &or t!ese &mily mem)ers% or rtionli4e t!eir (riti(isms#

;ou (n do t!t later, i& you (!oose# T!e rod to !elin' is lon', t t!e end% you my



1 J 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

&or'i"e t!em% w!en you do not &eel de&e(ti"e nymore# ut &irst you must stnd up

&or yoursel& nd "ent t!e &eelin's you !"e )uried#

We understnd t!t you my !"e stron' impulse to de&end your prents% e"en

i& t!ey were t!e ones w!o !urt you# ;ou wnt to see your



T=E DE9ECT*@ENESS L*9ET3A2 1I

prents s 'ood people# So you sy t!in's like% 6T!ey didn6t know ny )etter%+ or

6T!ey !d pro)lems t!emsel"es%+ or +T!ey were doin' it &or my own 'ood#+ *n t!is

letter% try to stop de&endin' t!em nd ust &o(us on )ein' !onest )out w!t

!ppened nd !ow it mde you &eel =ere is t!e letter Eliot wrote to !is &t!erF

m

m

pm

%ear %a!,

You ere cruel tome hen I as a c hil!. You acte! as though I ha!

nothing orthhile a(out me, nothing special or great. I 1ust !i!n5t matter

to $ou. You !i!n5t care that ha! feelings, that I coul! feel pain or get

hurt. You coul!n5t (e (othere! to give me love.

0hat hurt most as ho $ou ala$s compare! me to Gm$

(rotherRic&. You ma!e me feel 4&e nothing ne?t to him. 0hen $ou ere

aroun! Ric&, $ou5! act all happ$ an! e?cite!. 8ut hen $ou ere aroun!

me, $ou ere mean an! dis'usted# Li&e I as such a disppointment

You criticie! ever$thing a(out me. ha! no part of me Ifelt safe to

sho $ou. 7n$thing I love!, I &ept hi!!en from $ou. 0hen I remem(er m$

chil!hoo!, the thing that stan!s outmost is feeling ashame!.

%espite ho $ou treate! me, I ha! some great -ualities as a &i!

as smart. I coul! heel an! !eal. 8$ the time as si?teen, I ha! a little

(usiness going in (ase(all car!s. ha! m$ on interests not that $oucare!), !ifferent from Ric&5s. 2a$(e asn5t perfect, (ut it as rong to

treat me the a$ $ou !i!

I hate $ou for hat $ou !i! to me. 2$ ife is threatening to leave

me, m$ &i!s are misera(le, an! I5m or&ing m$self sic& tr$ing to 1ust feel

U&e a orthhile person. I5ve shut out the ones I love, an! instea!

spen! all m$ time (oosting m$ ego ith cocaine or tr$ing to pic& up

chic&s I coul!n5t care less a(out. 7n! all these things are happening

(ecause I have such lo self'esteem, (ecause $ou an! the rest of the

famil$ ere so crumm$ to me.

7ll of $ou let me !on. %i!$ou ever thin& hat it oul! have meant

for me to have $ou once seem happ$ a(out me, once seem prou! or

please! ith ho I asH It ma!e me shut !on. It ma!e it so I !i!n5t ant

to sho an$one ho I as.

I am tr$ing no to grope toar!s a more meaningful Ufe. Dart of

this is that it5s no longer accepta(le for $ou to insult me in '



T=E DE9ECT*@ENESS L*9ET9*A2 11

an$ a$. If $ou ant to maintain a relationship, $ou are going to have to

change ho $ou treat me. 7n! if $ou can5t, our relation's&ip is over.

Ehot

*t ws not esy )y ny mens &or Eliot to 'et to t!e point w!ere !e (ould write t!is

letter# *t took (our'e nd stren't! on !is prt ut one t!in' ws (ertin# =e &elt

mrkedly )etter &terwrds#

;ou will &ind t!e sme# Writin' letter like t!is (n )e !elin' pro(ess# *t is

sttement o& w!t !ppened to you# 6;our trut! s!ll set you &ree#+

T. 0rite a @lashcar! for Yourself. Mke &ls!(rd t!t you (n tke out nd red

w!ene"er your De&e(ti"eness li&etrp is tri''ered.w!ene"er% s Alison sys% +t!e

"oi(e o& my &t!er strts ymmerin' in my !ed#+ We wnt you to (!ip wy t t!e

(riti(l prent wit!in you#

AL*SONF V wnt to (e (etter to m$self, (ut getting !on on m$self is a har! ha(it to

(rea&. I &eep !eci!ing not to !o it, (ut then fin! m$self !oing it a minute later.

T=E3A2*STF Yes. 7n!, li&e ever$ ha(it, the a$ to stop is to catch $ourself, an! to

stop $ourself e"ery time#

T!e &ls!(rd is wepon 'inst t!e "oi(e o& t!e li&etrp# *t keeps you wre t!t

t!ere re two sides# T!ere is t!e (riti(l or unlo"in' prent you !"e internli4ed%

w!o is lwys puttin' you down% i'norin' you% nd mkin' you &eel de&e(ti"e nd

s!med# ut t!ere is lso t!e "ulner)le (!ild inside% w!o wnts lo"e ((eptn(e%

ppro"l% nd "lidtion# T!e &ls!(rd !elps you pus! t!e (riti(l prent out% so

your !elt!y side (n 'i"e t!e (!ild w!t !e or s!e wnts# <ltimtely t!is !elin'

pro(ess is )out sel&8lo"e T!e &ls!(rd !elps you remem)er to 'i"e yoursel& lo"e

T!e &ls!(rd s!ould !"e on it ll o& t!e 7ulities in you t!t re 'ood# *ts!ould in"lidte your prents6 (riti(isms.w!y t!e t!in's t!ey sid were eit!er

wron' or less importnt t!n t!ey mde t!em out to )e# <se o)e(ti"e e"iden(e Tell

yoursel& to use constructive tone wit! yoursel&% not punitive tone

?B 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E =ere is t!e (rd

Alison wroteF

A DE9ECT*@ENESS 9LAS=CA3D

3i'!t now * &eel !umilited nd inde7ute * &eel surrounded )y people% espe(illy

women% w!o seem superior to me in e"ery wy. looks% )rins% personlity# * &eel

t!eir presen(e diminis!es me totlly#

ut t!is is not true# W!t is relly 'oin' on is t!t my li&etrp is )ein'

tri''ered# T!e trut! is t!t * m wort!y too# * m sensiti"e% intelli'ent% lo"in'% nd

'ood# T!e trut! is t!t mny people !"e &ound me to )e wort!y o& lo"eF lists t!eir

nmes:# Generlly * !"e not 'i"en people (!n(e to 'et (lose enou'! to relly

know nd ppre(ite me% ut )elie"in' w!t * sy on t!is (rd will !elp me mo"e

in t!is dire(tion#

Crry t!e (rd round# <se it to re"iew your 'ood points# 3e&ute your (onstnt put8

downs o& yoursel&# *t is not!er wy to &i'!t t!e &eelin' o& s!me nd unlo")ility#

, #r$ to 8e 2ore Fenuine in (se Relationships. Alison nd Eliot re t opposite

extremes o& t!e li&etrp# Alison is too "ulner)le% w!ile Eliot is not "ulner)le

enou'!# Alison !d to lern to prote(t !ersel& )etter% nd Eliot !d to lem to re"el

more o& w!o !e ws#

*& you re more like Eliot% try to )e more 'enuine in (lose reltions!ips# Stop

tryin' to 'i"e t!e impression t!t you re per&e(t# e "ulner)le# S!re some o&

your se(rets# A(knowled'e some o& your &lws# Let ot!er people inside more# ;ou

will &ind t!t your se(rets re not s !urni!tin' s t!ey &eel to you# E"eryone !s

&lws#

EL*OTF V !i! something that surprise! me. #he oilier night 2aria an! I ent to a part$. One of her frien!s from college, this gu$ Richar!, as there.

#he$ ere tal&ing an! I got 1ealous. I ala$s get 1ealous hen the$5re

together, (ecause the$ seem so into tal&ing to each other. #he$ loo& so happ$.

Li&e 2aria an! I never are.



T=E DE9ECT*@ENESS L*9ET9*A2 1?

2$ usual maneuver oul! have (een to start hitting on some chic&. 8ut I

!i!n5t !o that. Instea! I tol! 2aria. I tol! her I felt 1ealous. T=E3A2*STF 0hat

happene!H

EL*OTF 4er reaction as, "So $ou careH I !i!n5t thin& $ou care!5"

e(use !e ws so &rid o& lookin' inse(ure% Eliot wit!!eld &rom Mri t!e si'ns

o& !is (rin'# =e ws &rid to s!ow !er !e lo"ed !er# *n t!is (se% s!owin'

norml nd pproprite mount o& elous" ws (tully !elp&ul#

;ou (n p(e !ow mu(! you re"el o& yoursel&# 3e"el yoursel& little )y

little# Keep sense o& (ontrol# *n t!e erly st'es o& reltions!ip% exposin' too

mu(! inse(urity (n% in &(t% turn t!e ot!er prtner o&&# T!ere is n ine"it)le

strte'i( element durin' t!e &irst &ew mont!s# =owe"er% s you )e(ome more

intimte nd you sense t!t your prtner seems 'enu88 inely to (re &or8you% you

(n dis(lose more nd more# *t (n )e risk to expose e"eryt!in' ll t on(e

Sometimes ptients sy% +ut * don6t know w!t norml rte o& s!owin'

"ulner)ility is#+ *& t!is is t!e (se% one solution is to p(e yoursel& ((ordin' to

your prtner# As your prtner s!ows more "ulner)ility% you s!ow more Try to keep

)ln(e in t!e reltions!ip#

*& you !"e se(rets.!umilitin' t!in's t!t !ppened to you% &or exmple.

'rdully tell t!em to people (lose to you# T!ere is n expression% +;ou re only s

si(k s your worst se(ret+ Mny t!in's t!t we !ide &rom people re not s )d s

we trunk# On(e we s!re t!em wit! someone% we see t!t t!ey re not so s!me&ul#

We see t!t t!e person still lo"es us% nd we &eel )etter )out oursel"es%

;ou my !"e so mu(! s!me t!t you !"e lwys !idden yoursel&# ;ou

need to &ind out t!t you (n (tully )e yoursel& nd )e lo"ed &or t!t

+. 7ccept Lo from the Deople lose to You. One o& t!e !rdest t!in's &or you is

to let people lo"e you# ;ou re "ery un(om&ort)le )ein' treted well# *t is so lien#

;ou re mu(! more (om&ort)le )ein' mistreted or i'nored# *t is !rd &or you totolerte situtions w!ere people tke (re o& you% prise you% nd support you# ;ou

try to pus! it wy or dis(ount it

AL*SONF It5s funn$, (ut one of the har!est things for me has (een to let 2atthe

give me compliments, #o 1ust accept them ithout !en$ing them. Li&e the

other night, e ere going out to !inner, an! he tol! me I loo&e! (eautiful. I

starte! to sa$, "6o, I !on5t," an! then I stoppe! m$self.

T=E3A2*STF 0hat !i! $ou sa$H

AL*SONF "#han&$ou."

ot! Alison nd Eliot !d to lern to ((ept lo"e# Surprisin'ly% t!e experien(e

)rou'!t up lot o& 'rie& &or )ot! o& t!em#

MA3*AF Something strange happene! the other night. EUot came home from the

clu( an! he as all upset. 4e ha! ha! a (a! night.

I la$ !on in (e! ith him, hel! him in m$ arms, an! 1ust comforte!

him. I as stro&ing his face.

7B of a su!!en he starte! to cr$. #hese !eep so(s.

T=E3A2*STF It put him in touch ith hat he5! (een missing for so long.

MA3*AF V never felt closer to him or love! him so much. A

We wnt you to ((ept lo"e s well# Stop pus!in' wy t!e people w!o lo"e you#

J. Stop 7lloing Deople to #reat You 8a!l$. As we !"e noted% t!ere is tenden(y

&or yon to (!oose prtners% nd per!ps (lose &riends% w!o re (riti(l or ree(tin'#

Exmine your (lose reltions!ips tody# Do you llow people to put you down or

(riti(i4e you un&irly

AL*SONF 0ell, $ou &no 2atthe isn5t a pro(lem that a$. 8ut there is someone

ho is a pro(lem. #hat5s m$ (est frien! L$nn. She5s (een m$ (est frien! since

e ere little. She live! nest !oor to me.

She as ala$s mean to me hen e ere 4i!e. She oul! sa$ she

!i!n5t ant to pla$ ith me, or she oul! ma&e fun of me.

#o this !a$ she puts me !on. Li&e the other !a$ she sai! to me, "You (elter let

2atthe get $ou that ring (efore he changes his min!." #hai as such a (itch$

thing to sa$. T=E3A2*STF 0hat !i! $ou !o hen she sai! itH AL*SONF 6othing. I

got upset.

Strt stndin' up &or yoursel&# Assert your ri'!ts# Tell t!e person t!t you will no

lon'er tolerte )usi"e (riti(ism# Demnd t!t you )e ((epted s you re#

3emem)er t!e prin(iples o& sserti"eness# Do not tlk to t!e person in n n'ry nd''ressi"e mnner# ;ou will )e mu(! more e&&e(ti"e i& you remin (lm Stnd up

stri'!t nd look t!e person in t!e eye# e dire(t# e spe(i&i(# And )o"e ll% do not

'et into de&endin' yoursel&# $ust keep resttin' your point in (lm nd (ontrolled

mnner#



T=E DE9ECT*@ENESS L*9ET9*A2 1

AL*SONF V iniite! L$nn to !inner an! she came to hours late. 0e ha! finall$

starte! eating, so it meant I ha! to get up an! start getting her courses. 74

the foo! as either col! or overcoo&e!. I as reall$ anno$e! 7tone point e

ere alone at the ta(le. I tol! her that I as angr$ she Ita! come so late, that

it ha! ma!e it har! for me an! ruine! m$ !inner. I tol! her I lia! or&e! har!

on the !inner.

She starte! sa$ing I ha! some nerve to get !on on her hen she as

so upset a(out Lenn$. Lenn$ is her (o$frien!. #he$ ha! ha! a fight an! that

as h$ she as late.

I !i!n5t faS for it. I starte! to !efen! m$self (ut I stoppe! m$self. I 1ust

tol! her again that it asn5t right for her to (e so late for !inner.

e (re&ul not to 'o too &r in t!e ot!er dire(tion# Try to ((eptoccasional (riti(ism

t!t is not demenin'# 3e(o'ni4e t!e di&&eren(e )etween &ir (riti(ism nd

ex(essi"e or unreson)le (riti(ism#

*& your &riend or prtner will not (!n'e &ter w!ile% you must (onsider

endin' t!e reltions!ip# ;ou (n try e"eryt!in', you (n 'i"e t!e person e"ery

opportunity to (!n'e# *& it is romnti( prtner% you mi'!t (onsider (ouples

t!erpy# 2er!ps t!rou'! t!erpy you (n sol"e t!e pro)lem# ut ultimtely you

must stnd up &or yoursel& nd eit!er 'et t!e person to (!n'e or le"e t!e

reltions!ip# *t is 'oin' to )e lmost impossi)le &or you to !el t!e De&e(ti"eness

li&etrp wit!out endin' un!elt!y reltions!ips# *t is too di&&i(ult to &i'!t t!is

li&etrp w!en t!e people (losest to you re (ontinully rein&or(in' it

We !"e &ound t!t t!e mority o& ptients wit! t!is li&etrp re in

reltions!ips t!t can )e s"ed# T!ey (n stnd up to t!eir prtners nd 'et t!eir

prtners to (!n'e# T!e prtners re o&ten )le to stop )ein' so (riti(l# *n &rt%

some prtners wel(ome t!e (!n'e# T!ey pre&er to )e wit! person w!o !s some

)(k)one#O((sionlly we run up 'inst prtners w!o (nnot tolerte )ein' in

reltions!ip on n e7ul )sis# Most o&ten t!is is )e(use t!e prtner6s issue is

De&e(ti"eness s welL+ T!ey put down ot!er people s &orm o& Countertt(k% to

wrd o&& t!eir own &eelin's o& wortKlessness nd s!me# Su(! prtners re not

!elt!y enou'! to work on t!eir own inse(urities nd (!n'e#

Some ptients (ontinue s dults to li"e or work wit! t!e (riti(l or unlo"in'

prents w!o were responsi)le &or t!e li&etrp de"elopin' in t!e &irst pl(e# We !"e

&ound t!is to )e extremely destru(ti"e to t!e (!n'e pro(ess% nd stron'ly d"ise

you not to (ontinue su(! (lose (ont(t wit! (riti(l prent

K. If You 7re in a Relationship 0here You 7re the ritical Dartner, Stop Dutting

Your Dartner %on. %o the Same in Other lose Relationships. Stop (riti(i4in'

your prtner# ;our prtner does not deser"e it# 3emem)er% you (nnot &eel(asicalf$

)etter )out yoursel& )y puttin' ot!ers down#

T!is is e7ully true wit! your (!ildren# T!ey re inno(ent nd "ulner8



? 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

)le% nd you re )etryin' t!em# rek t!e (!in# Do not pss on your own

De&e(ti"eness li&etrp to t!em#

At some le"el you &ee- 'uilty )out w!t you !"e done to your spouse or

(!ildren# 3esist 'ettin' lost in t!t 'uilt# T!e importnt t!in' is to (!n'enote.

EL*OTF 0hen I let m$self thin& a(out it, I get ver$ upset a(out things I5ve sai! to

the chil!ren. 8ut 3&no I !i!n5t (!oose m$ lifetrap9 I &no I !i!n5t (ring it on

m$self. 6o I have to get out of the lifetrap for the sa&e of m$ chil!ren.

T=E3A2*STF If $ou can fight $our on feelings of !efectiveness, $ou on5t have to

&eep venting them on $our chil!ren.

;ou !"e to &(e w!t you !"e done% &or'i"e yoursel&% nd (!n'e% strtin' ri'!t

now#

Try prisin' t!e ones you lo"e# ;ou lo"e t!em &or reson# T!ey !"e

7ulities t!t re "lu)le nd deser"e (redit# Aim &or reltions!ip o& e7uls.

)eyond t!e see8sw o& one8up% one8down#

SOME 9*NAL WO3DS

=ow 7ui(kly you (n (!n'e your De&e(ti"eness li&etrp depends in prt on !ow

puniti"e your prent ws# T!e more punis!in' nd drmti( your prent6s ree(tion

ws% nd t!e more !tred nd "iolen(e t!ere ws (onne(ted to it% t!e !rder it is to

(!n'e# ;ou my need !elp &rom t!erpist# Get !elp i& you need it, t!ere is no

s!me in"ol"ed in 'ettin' !elp to tret your pro)lem#

C!n'in' your li&etrp in"ol"es 'rdully impro"in' !ow you tret yoursel&%

!ow you tret ot!ers% nd !ow you llow ot!ers to tret you# Wit! t!e ex(eption o&

ptients w!o re in truly )usi"e reltions!ips% (!n'in' does not usully in"ol"e

sudden% drmti( s!i&ts# 3t!er it is n in(rementl pro(ess# 2tients 'rdully &eel

)etter )out t!emsel"es# T!ey )e(ome less de&ensi"e nd more )le to tke in lo"e#

T!ey &eel (loser to people# T!ey &eel more "lued nd more lo"ed#

Keep in mind t!t t!is is not s!ort8term issue# ;ou will )e workin' on it &or

yers to (ome )ut t!ere will )e pro'ress ll lon' t!e wy# Grdully you will (ome

to ((ept t!t your de&e(ti"eness ws somet!in' t!t ws tu'!t to you% nd not

somet!in' in!erently true )out you# On(e you (n open yoursel& up to t!e ide

t!t your de&e(ti"eness is not &(t% t!e !elin' pro(ess (n )e'in to work#

13? iFEEL LIKE SUCH A F AILURE" THE

F AILURE LIFETRAP

K AT=LEENF T=*3T;8E*G=T ;EA3S OLD# CONS*DE3S =E3SEL9 A 9A*L<3E * N =E3

23O9ESS*ONAL <9E#

W!en Kt!leen &irst wlks into our o&&i(e% s!e !s tense% (rest&llen ppern(e#

S!e tells us t!t s!e !s (onsidered (omin' to t!erpy &or 7uite some time% )ut !s

put it o&&#

KAT=LEENF Latel$ I5ve (een feeling reall$ !epresse!.

T=E3A2*STF 4o !i! it stare

KAT=LEENF 0eU, I5ve rea!$ (een !epresse! for along time. Sometimes I

thin& I5ve (een !epresse! m$ ichole Ufe.

8ut something happene! a fe ee&s ago that reall$ upset me. 2$

hus(an! an! I ere out to !inner an! e ran into m$ frien! Ronnie.



? 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

0e ent to coiege together. 0e got to tal&ing, $ou &no, an! I foun!

out that she 1ust ha! (een ma!e a partner in her la firm. T=E3A2*STF 7n!

that (othere! $ouH

KAT=LEENF Yeah, if (othere! me. I mean, foo& at me. #hirt$'eight $ears ol! an!

all I have to sho for i f is a 1o( as a pro!uction assistant. mean, I5m

(asicall$ a go'fer, an! have (een for fifteen $ears.

Kt!leen works s produ(tion ssistnt in tele"ision# *t is )si(lly n entry8le"el

o)% w!i(! s!e !s !eld sin(e s!e strted in t!e )usiness &ter

'rdutin' &rom (olle'e# S!e !s mde lmost no pro'ress up t!e rnks# "I &eet

like su(! &ilure%+ s!e sys#

3*ANF 9*9T; ;EA3S OLD# 9EELS L*KE A 9A*L<3E E@EN T=O<G= =E *S

A S<CCESS#



SCO3E DESC3*2T*ON

.9 * &eel * m less (ompetent t!n ot!er people in res o&

(!ie"ement#

?# * &eel t!t * m &ilure w!en it (omes to (!ie"ement#

# Most people my 'e re more su((ess&ul in t!eir work t!n)

m#

49 * ws &ilure s student#

# * &eel ) m not s intelli'ent s most o& t!e people * sso(ite

wit!## ) &eel !umilited )y my &ilures in t!e work sp!ere#

I9 ) &eel em)rrssed round ot!er people )e(use) do not

mesure up in terms o& my ((omplis!ments#

@9 ) o&ten &eel t!t people )elie"e) m more (ompetent t!n )

relly m#

rin !s t!e impostor syndrome# 2eople wit! t!is pro)lem do not &eel t!t t!eir su((esses re usti&ied#T!ey )elie"e t!t t!ey &ool people into seein' t!em smore (ompetent t!n t!ey relly re# Alt!ou'! rin!s 'ood o) s press se(retry &or prominent politi(in% !e still feels like &ilure#

3*ANF I5m not cra$. I &no I have a great 1o(, that people thin& I5m great

Deople thin& Ym !oing ell. 8ut sti2 I feel orrie! constantl$. It5s 4&e

I5m an approval1tm&ie. If m$ (oss teas me I !i! a great 1o(, I5m on clou!

nine, (ut if he ma&es one tin$ correction I start orr$ing that he !oesn5t

4&e me an$more, he5s gonna fire me.

T=E3A2*STF Li&e he5s foun! $ou out. 'Q

3*ANF Yeah, li&e rue 1ust (een fa&ing it all along, an! he5s finall$ foun! me out.

rin6s sense o& su((ess is &r'ile# =e is &rid !e will )e exposed s &rudulent nd

!is entire (reer will (oll se

T=E 9A*L<3E <EST*ONNA*3E

T!is 7uestionnire will mesure t!e stren't! o& your 9ilure li&etrp# <se t!e &ollowin' s(le to nswer t!eitems# 3te w!t you feel more t!n w!t you thin& intelle(tully#

SCO3*NG K E;

1 Completely untrue o& me? Mostly untrue o& me



Mostly true o& me




? 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

9 ) &eel t!t * do not !"e ny spe(il tlents t!t relly (ount in

li&e#

1I% ) m workin' )elow my potentil

-&!$ T&TAL FA)L!$E S*&$E


* NTE323ET*NG ;O<3 9A*L<3E SCO3E

1I81J @ery tow# T!is li&etrp pro))ly does not pply to you# ?I8?J 9irly low#

T!is li&etrp my only pply occasionall$.I8J Moderte T!is li&etrp is n issue

in your li&e# BI8BJ =i'!# T!is is de&initely n important li&etrp &or you# I8I @ery

!i'!# T!is is de&initely one o& yourcore li&etrps#



1H 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

T=E E>2E3*ENCE O9 9A*L<3E

;ou &eel like &ilure relti"e to ot!er people you (onsider your peers# Most o& t!e

rime% you re pro))ly in tou(! wit! your li&etrp% nd your sense o& &ilure is (lose

to t!e sur&(e#

KAT=LEENF I5m 1ust a stupi! person. I !on5t have hat it ta&es to get a&ea!. Over

an! over, I atch $ounger people get 1o(s at m$ level an! then pass ($ me.

; mean, I5m thirt$'eight $ears ol! an! I5m competing for promo 4ons

ith tent$'to an! tent$'t&ree'$ear'ol!s. It5s humiliating. You can5t get

much orse than that.

As 8wit! Kt!leen% your &eelin's o& &ilure re pin&ul#

Most o& t!e people wit! t!is li&etrp re more like Kt!leen t!n rin# T!t

is% t!eir (tul le"el o& (!ie"ement is lower t!n t!eir potentil# T!eir outwrd

sttus 'enerlly mt(!es t!eir inner sense o& &ilure# O((sionlly% we see people

like rin% w!o !"e (!ie"ed 'ret del )ut &eel &rudulent#

3*ANF I feel reall$ out of place here I or&. I fee; 4&e ever$one aroun! me is

top'shelf. I !on5t (elong there. Someho I5ve !eceive! ever$one into tliin&ing I5m more mtelhgent an! competent than I am. 7n! it5s onl$ a matter of time

(efore the$ all !iscover the truth.

*n ny (se% no mtter w!t your (tul sttus or de'ree o& ((omplis!ment% t!e

inner world is t!e sme# W!et!er you appear to )e su((ess or not% most o& t!e

time you experien(e yoursel& s &ilure ot! Kt!leen nd rin &eel t!t )e(use

o& t!eir own s!ort(omin's% t!ey re doomed to &il#

;ou rein&or(e t!e 9ilure li&etrp primrily t!rou'! Es(pe# ;our "oidn(e is

w!t !olds you )(k# ;ou "oid tkin' t!e steps ne(essry to widen your

knowled'e nd d"n(e your (reer# ;ou let opportunities &or su((ess pss you )y#

;ou re &rid t!t i& you try you will &ilT

KAT=LEENF 7 fe ee&s ago I ent an! tal&e! to m$ (oss a(out letting me (e in

charge of scfie!u4ngfor this one pro1ect. It5s reall$ rare for me to ma&e tfuit

&in! of move, (ut I 1ust felt 4&e I ha! to !o it.

7n$a$, m$ (oss tol! me to rite up a proposal. You &no, a plan,

hatever. 0ell, three ee&s have gone ($ an! I still haven5t !one it. #he

pro1ect is starting tomorro an! no it5s reall$ too late.

Wit! t!e 9ilure li&etrp% t!e de'ree to w!i(! you use Es(pe s (opin' style

is o&ten mssi"e# 2eople "oid de"elopin' skills% t(klin' new tsks% tkin' onresponsi)ility.ll t!e (!llen'es t!t mi'!t en)le t!em to su((eed# O&ten t!e

ttitude is%+ W!t+s t!e use+ ;ou &eel t!ere is no point in mkin' t!e e&&ort w!en

you re doomed to &il nywy#

;our "oidn(e my )e su)tle# ;ou my #--e#+ to t(kle your work )ut still

do t!in's to "oid# ;ou pro(rstinte% you 'et distr(ted% you do t!e work

improperly% or you mis!ndle t!e tsks you tke on T!ese re ll &orms o& se$f

s#bo#/e.

3*ANF T)(s $#s -+o0e1 2, boss /#*e 2e o o I'*e bee! so #!4(o5s #bo5 ( )#6

(! '/e$ s#+e 5!($ )(s ee7. I'2 +e#$$, 5!e+ -+ess5+e !o. I 1#!' -oss(b$,

o )e 0ob )e #, ( s)o5$ be o!e # )(s -o(!. T)e )o$e )(!/ )#s /o 2e so

f+#88$e

;our tenden(y to run wy &rom t!e possi)ility o& &ilure undermines your

)ility to do 'ood o)% ;ou my su&&er rel penlties% su(! s 'ettin' demoted or

&ired#

Anot!er wy you surrender to your li&etrp is )y (onstntly twistin' e"ents

nd (ir(umstn(es to rein&or(e your "iew o& yoursel& s &ilure# ;ou ex''erte

t!e ne'ti"e nd minimi4e t!e positi"e#

3*ANF I 7!o I b$o )(!/s o5 of -+o-o+(o!. L(7e ,ese+#, 2, boss /#*e 2e )(s

+e#$$, -os((*e feeb#17 #bo5 # -+ess +e$e#se I )# +(e!. B5 )e 1+((1(8e o!e

(!, e#($ #bo5 (. A! of 1o5+se I e! )o2e #! f+ee #bo5 )# e#($ #$$

!(/).

;ou my lso !"e &eelin's o& depression#



1 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

KAi =LEENF V 05s fee$ U7e I'2 # # 1e+#(! -o(! (! 2, $(fe #! I )#*e!' /oe! o

)e+e I #! o be. A! I fee$ )7e I'2 !e*e+ /o!!# /e )e+e.

;ou &eel depressed )out your &ilures% nd see little !ope &or (!n'e#

T!e 9ilure li&etrp is usully n esy li&etrp to ssess# ;ou re pro))ly well

wre o& your pin&ul &eelin's o& &ilure#

T!e ori'in o& t!is <&etrp lies in &eelin's o& &ilure in (!ild!ood# T!is (n

!ppen num)er o& di&&erent wysF



2AA 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

O3*G*NS O9 T=E 9A*L<3E L*9ET3A2

1# ;ou !d prent /o&ten your &t!er0 w!o ws "ery (riti(l o& your

per&ormn(e in s(!ool, sports% et(# =eVS!e o&ten (lled you stupid%

dum)% inept% &ilure% et(# =eVS!e my !"e)een )usi"e# /;our

li&etrp my )e linked to De&e(ti"eness or A)use#0

?# One or )ot! prents were "ery su((ess&ul% nd you (me to )elie"e

you (ould ne"er li"e up to t!eir !i'! stndrds# So you stopped tryin'#

/;our li&etrp my )e linked to <nrelentin' Stndrds#0

# ;ou sensed t!t one or )ot! o& your prents eit!er did not (re

)out w!et!er you were su((ess&ul% or% worse% &elt t!retened w!en you

did well# ;our prent my !"e )een (ompetiti"e wit! you.or &rid

o& losin' your (ompnions!ip i& you were too su((ess&ul in t!e world#/;our li&etrp my )e linked to Emotionl Depri"tion or Dependen(e#0

49 ;ou were not s 'ood s ot!er (!ildren eit!er in s(!ool or t sports%

nd &elt in&erior# ;ou my !"e !d lernin' dis)ility% poor ttention

spn% or )een "ery un(oordinted# A&ter t!t% you stopped tryin' in

order to "oid !umilition )y t!em# /T!is my )e linked to So(il

Ex(lusion0

# ;ou !d )rot!ers or sisters to w!om you were o&ten (ompred

un&"or)ly# ;ou (me to )elie"e you (ould ne"er mesure up% so you

stopped tryin'#

B9 ;ou (me &rom &orei'n (ountry% your prents were immi'rnts%

or your &mily ws poorer or less edu(ted t!n your s(!oolmtes# ;ou

&elt in&erior to your peers nd ne"er &elt you (ould mesure up#

H# ;our prents did not set enou'! limits &or you# ;ou did not lern

sel&8dis(ipline or responsi)ility# T!ere&ore you &iled to do !omework

re'ulrly or lern study skills# T!is led to &ilure e"entully# /;our

li&etrp my )e linked to Entitlement#0

As you (n see% t!e 9ilure li&etrp my )e sso(ited wit! ot!er li&etrps.

De&e(ti"eness% A)use% <nrelentin' Stndrds% Emotionl Depri"tion%

Dependen(e% So(il Ex(lusion% or Entitlement#

Kt!leen !d num)er o& &or(es propellin' !er towrd &ilure s (!ild#

KAT=LEENF One thing that hurt me as that m$ parents !i!n5t reall$ care a(out

school. It as part of their general not caring a(out me realt$. I mean, other

&i!s oul! (e scare! to !eath to (ring their report car!s home. I never

orrie! a(out it (ecause the$ 1ust !i!n5t care. 2$ pro(lem as getting them

to loo& at it long enough to sign it.

It5s eir!, (ut I use! to (e 1ealous of &i!s ho ere scare! to (ring

their report car!s home. I remem(er once (eing in the girls5 room at school

ith m$ frien! 2eg. She as in the stall cr$ing an! carr$ing on, "I can 5tgo

home, m$ father5s gonna &ill me," on an! on. 7n! as upset as she as, I felt

1ealous of her. Isn5t that eir!H

T=E3A2*STF She ha! someone ho care!.

KAT=LEENF Yeah. 8ut the other thing that happene! as thai I as sic& a lot. I

ha! asthma, i misse! a lot of school in those earl$ $ears. I fell (ehin! an!

1ust never caught up. It5s a miracle, realt$,'that I ever ma!e it through

college.

T!ere ws no one to !elp Kt!leen w!en s!e &ell )e!ind# No)ody pus!ed !er to

(t(! up# *nsted s!e )e'n !er li&elon' prtem o& es(pe#

KAT=LEENF V oul! tr$ to get out ofgoifig to school ($ pla$ing sic&. If there as

a test or a paper !ue, I oul! get sic& that !a$. I 1ust coul!n5t face the

humiliation of failing again.

T=E3A2*STF 0oul! $ou tr$ to learn the stuffH



T=E 9A*L<3E L*9ET3A2 1HI

KAT=LEENF 6ah. I oul! 1ust atch television. I spent m$ chil!hoo! atching

television.

Kt!leen &iled to de"elop t!e skills nd dis(ipline ne(essry to 'et !ed# =er

ppro(! ws to try to do s little s possi)le nd !ide it s )est s s!e (ould#

Kt!leen6s li&etrp ws n out'rowt! o& Emotionl Depri"tion# 9or rin t!e

issue ws more one o& De&e(ti"eness#

3*ANF 2$ father as ala$s criticiing me a(out ever$thing, not 1ust a(out

school 7ctuall$ achievement as the one area here I coul! sort of !o o&a$.

8ui I never truste! it, I never truste! that I reall$ &ne hat I as !oing.

rin !d )een &eelin' &rudulent )out su((ess &or lon' time# As (!ild% !e did

well in s(!ool% )ut !e &elt so de&e(ti"e 'enerlly t!t !e (ould not )elie"e in

!imsel&#

<pon re&le(tion it seemed t!t !is &t!er &elt (ompetiti"e wit! !im# =e put

rin down s wy o& &eelin' )etter )out !imsel&#

3*ANF Darticularl$ after he lost his 1o( an! e ha! to move to a smaller house,

hen I as eight, he oul! reall$ light into me. 4e oul! (oost himself up ($

humiliating me.

=is &t!er ws t!retened )y rin6s su((ess t s(!ool# =e ws &rid t!t rin

would surpss !im% so !e punis!ed rin &or su((eedin'# =is &t!er undermined !is

sel&8(on&iden(e nd dm'ed rin6s )ility to )elie"e in !imsel&#

T!e 9ilure li&etrp &eeds on itsel& in su(! wyt!t t!e entire ren o& work )e(omes disster &or you# ;our expe(ttion ot& &ilure )e(omes sel&8&ul&illin' prop!esy# =ere re mny o& t!e wys yous)ot'e yoursel& nd mke sure t!t you remin

&ilure#

H# ;ou sele(ted (reer in w!i(! it is extrordinrily !rd to su(8

9A*L<3E L*9ET3A2S

1# ;ou do not tke t!e steps ne(essry to de"elop solid skills in your

(reer /e#'#% &inis! s(!oolin'% red ltest de"elopments% p prenti(e to

n exper&# ;ou (ost or try to &ool people#

?# ;ou (!oose (reer )elow your potentil /e'#% you &inis!ed (ol8

le'e nd !"e ex(ellent mt!emti(l )ility% )ut re (urrently

dri"in' txi()0#

# ;ou "oid tkin' t!e steps ne(essry to 'et promotions in your

(!osen (reer, your d"n(ement !s )een unne(essrily !lted /e#'#%

you &il to ((ept promotions or to sk &or t!em, you do not promote

yoursel& or mke your )ilities widely known to t!e people w!o

(ount, you sty in s&e% ded8end o)0#

49 ;ou do not wnt to tolerte workin' &or ot!er people% or workin'

t entry8le"el o)s% so you end up on t!e perip!ery o& your &ield%

&ilin' to work your wy up t!e ldder# /Note t!e o"erlp wit!

Entitlement nd Su)u'tion#0

# ;ou tke o)s )ut repetedly 'et &ired )e(use o& lteness% pro8

(rstintion% poor o) rb(rmn(e% )d ttitude% et(#

# ;ou (nnot (ommit to one (reer% so you &lot &rom o) to o)%

ne"er de"elopin' expertise in one re# ;ou re 'enerlist in o)

world t!t rewrds spe(ilists# ;ou t!ere&ore ne"er pro'ress "ery &r in ny one (reer#



2AA 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

(eed% nd you do not know w!en to 'i"e up /e#'#% (tin'% pro&essionl

sports% musi(0#

# ;ou !"e )een &rid to tke inititi"e or mke de(isions indepen8

dently t work% so you were ne"er promoted to more responsi)le

positions#

J# ;ou feel t!t you re )si(lly stupid or untlented% nd t!ere&ore

&eel &rudulent% e"en t!ou'! o)e(ti"ely you !"e )een 7uite

su((ess&ul#

1I# ;ou minimi4e your )ilities nd ((omplis!ments% nd ex''er8

te your weknesses nd mistkes# ;ou end up fee)!/ like &ilure%

e"en t!ou'! you !"e )een s su((ess&ul s your peers#

11# ;ou !"e (!osen su((ess&ul menVwomen s prtners in reltion8

s!ips# ;ou li"e "i(riously t!rou'! t!eir su((ess w!ile not

((omplis!in' mu(! yoursel&#

1?# ;ou try to (ompenste &or your l(k o& (!ie"ement or work skills

)y &o(usin' on ot!er ssets [e'#% your looks% (!rm% yout!8&ulness%

s(ri&i(in' &or ot!ers0# ut undernet! you still &eel like &ilure#

Mny o& t!ese ptterns )oil down to t!e issue o& Es(peF you "oid tkin' t!e

steps ne(essry to d"n(e yoursel&# T!rou'! your "oidn(e% you (onstntly twist

e"ents to rein&or(e your "iew o& yoursel& s stupid% untlented% nd in(ompetent#

Ex(ellin' in ot!er roles is wy o& (ompenstin' &or t!e li&etrp% Men mi'!t

ex(el in sports or sedu(in' women, women mi'!t ex(el in t!eir looks or )ility to

'i"e to ot!ers# ut% prti(ulrly &or men% it is !rd to de"elop n e&&e(ti"e

(ompenstion# W!t does so(iety "lue more in mn t!n (!ie"ement A mn

w!o &eels like &ilure in !is (reer is like ly to &eel like &ilure s person# O&

(ourse% t!is di&&eren(e )etween men and women is (!n'in' s (reers )e(ome

more (entrl to women6s li"es#

As teen'er rin (ompensted &or !is li&etrp )y doptin' t!e im'e o&

re)el# =e dressed outlndis!ly nd rode motor(y(les# =e )e(me skilled t (!sin'

women# =e &ound wy to &eel 'ood )out !imsel& wit!out t(klin' t!e prime

issue# =e (ompensted &or his &eelin's o& &ilure )y (r"in' out n re o& su((ess#

One wy Kt!leen (ompenstes is )y (!oosin' prtner w!o is su((ess&ul#Wyne% !er !us)nd% is t!e !ed writer on top8rted tele"ision

s!ow# W!en s!e 'oes to o) &un(tions% su(! s (o(ktil prties nd (on"entions% s!e

mo"es in t!e !i'!est (ir(les#

;ou my )e drwn to ot!er roles or to prtners w!o re su((ess&ul to

(ompenste &or your &eelin's o& &ilure# T!is is relly not!er "oidn(e

strte'y on your prt# *t is not!er wy &or you to es(pe &(in' t!e

(!llen'es o& (!ie"ement#

T!ese (ompenstions re &r'ile# T!ey esily (ollpse% nd yield to t!e &eelin'

o& &ilure# ;ou need to del wit! t!e issue o& (!ie"ement more dire(tly#

T!ese re t!e steps to (!n'in' your li&etrpF

C=ANG*NG ;O<3 9A*L<3E L*9ET3A2

1#Assess w!et!er your &eelin' o& &ilure is ((urte or distorted#

?#Get in tou(! wit! t!e (!ild inside o& you w!o &elt% nd sti< &eels%

like &ilure#

#=elp your inner (!ild see t!t you were treted un&irly#

B#e(ome wre o& your tlents% skills% )ilities% nd ((omplis!8

ments in t!e re o& (!ie"ement#

If $ou have, in fact, fai&! relative to $our peers/

#Try to see t!e pttern in your &ilures#

#On(e you see your pttern% mke pln to (!n'e it#



T=E 9A*L<3E L*9ET3A2 1H?

H#Mke &ls!(rd to o"er(ome your )lueprint &or &ilure# 9ollow

your pln% step8)y8step#

# *n"ol"e your lo"ed ones in t!e pro(ess#

. 7ssess 0hether Your @eeimg of @ailure Is 7ccurate or %istorte!. T!e &irst t!in'

to do is ssess t!e ((ur(y o& your &eelin' o& &ilure# As we !"e noted% most o&

t!e time% like Kt!leen% you will !"e lot o& relisti( e"iden(e# ;ou !"e in &(t

&iled relti"e to your peer\ ut sometimes% like rin% your per(eption o& &ilure

is in((urte% nd you will &ind little e"iden(e to support your "iew#

List rn'e o& people wit! w!om you went to !i'! s(!ool% (olle'e% or

'rdute s(!ool# e sure to (!oose people &rom t!e )ottom% middle% nd top o& your

(lss# Write down w!t e(! person !s ((omplis!ed wit!in t!eir (!osen &ields#=ow &r !"e t!ey pro'ressed Kow mu(! re t!ey pid

=ow mu(! responsi)ility do t!ey !"e t work W!ere do you stnd in

(omprison

+. Fet in #ouch ith the hil! Insi!e of You 0ho @elt, an! Still @eels, Li&e a

@ailure. Try to re(ll memories o& )ein' (riti(i4ed% !umilited% (ompred% or

dis(our'ed )y your &mily or peers# <nderstnd t!e ori'ins o& your li&etrp#

W!en somet!in' !ppens in your (urrent li&e to tri''er your 9ilure li&etrp%

tke some time to explore t!e e"ent t!rou'! im'ery# Sit in drk% 7uiet room nd

(lose your eyes# Get n im'e o& t!e (urrent e"ent# Mke t!e im'e s "i"id nd

emotionl s possi)le# T!en let n im'e (ome o& w!en you &elt t!e sme wy s

(!ild# Do not &or(e t!e im'e $ust let it &lot to t!e top o& your mind

=ere is n exmple &rom session wit! Kt!leen#

KAT=LEENF Oh, I realt$ messe! up. I feel so (a!. I can5t (elieve it. I tol! m$ (oss

the rong time the moving men ere coming ith i&e set pieces. 4e hire! all

these gu$s to come in an! or& overtime to help move the stuff, an! the$ all

came at the rong time. 2$ (oss ha! to pa$ them an$a$. 4e as realt$ ma!

at me. Oh m$ Fo!, Ifeel so (a! a(out it. 3can5t stop thin&ing a(out it. Startsto cr$.)

T=E3A2*STF %o $ou ant to !o imager$ a(out thisH

KAT=LEENF O&a$. ries)

T=E3A2*STF #hen !ose $our e$es an! get an image of this situation that

1ust happene! ith $our (oss. KAT=LEENF 7ll right. I see m$self in m$

(oss5s office. 4e5s a(out to come

in to tal& to me a(out hat happene!.

T=E3A2*STF 4o !o5$oufeelH

KAT=LEENF Oh, I feel frantic, realt$ panic'stric&en. I5m pacing aroun!, I !on5t

&no hat to !o ith m$self. 2$ heart is poun!ing. O&, man. I5m so scare!.

T=E3A2*STF O&a$. 6o give me another image of hen $ou felt that a$ (efore,

as a chil!

KAT=LEENF 7ll right. I5m in m$ si?th'gra!e classroom. 2$ teacher5s there, an!

she5s going aroun! the room, an! each person5s presenting this (oo& report.

0e ha!ali ha! to rea! part of this (oo& on 7frica the night (efore an! ma&e

up a little presentation. Onl$ of course I !i!n5t !o it I !i!n5t !o it, an! no

she5s going aroun! the room an! she5s gonna come to me, an! I5m gonna have

nothing to sa$.

;our im'es (n !elp you understnd t!e ori'ins o& your li&etrp# T!t (!ild w!o

&elt tike &ilure is still "ery mu(! li"e in you#

J. 4elp Your Inner hil! See #liat You 0ere #reate! Unfairl$. Mny times w!en

we &il s (!ild% it is )e(use we re )ein' pus!ed in dire(tion t!t is not

nturlly ours# Some prents !"e t!eir own 'ends% nd wnt (!ild to ex(el in

(ertin res re'rdless o& w!t t!e ( !ild6s prti(ulr tlents nd in(lintions mi'!t

)e#



2AA 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

rin6s &t!er ws &irst8'enertion immi'rnt w!o worked !rd to 'i"e !is

(!ildren 'ood edu(tion# =e wnted rin to )e do(tor# E"en w!en rin ws

7uite smll% !is &t!er would tell people t!t !e ws 'oin' to )e do(tor#

3*ANF #he trou(le teas that science an! math ere not m$ thing. I as info more

creative thingsAart an! riting. 2$ father ala$s loo&e! !on on m$

interest in art. "#hat an! fift$ cents iUget$ou a ri!e on the su(a$," he use!

to sa$.

I mean, I !i! tr$ going pre'me! at college. 8ut I 1ust coul!n5t cut if. #hat

as a reall$ (a! time for me. 6o matter ho I trie!, I c oul!n5t get more than

a "" in an$ of m$ courses. I almost ha! a nervous (rea&!on.

0hen I sitche! to creative riting, m$ father as furious at me. 4e

stoppe! pa$ing for m$ e!ucation. I ha! to ta&e out loans. 4e as reall$ ma!.

Imitates his father5s mice/) "It5s so impractical, $ou5ll never ma&e a living." #o this !a$ m$ father criticies m$ 1o(. Even though I have a goo! 1o(,

I5m respecte!, I5m mentione! in the nespapers, I ma&e a lot of mone$, he

stiBgets !on on hat I !o. 4ell tal& a(out our neigh(or5s son, ho (ecame

a surgeon, an! ma&es some rel mone$.

W!t were some o& your stren't!s nd tlents s (!ild Were people6s

expe(ttions o& you relisti( =ow well (ould you !"e done i& you !d )een

prised% supported% nd 'uided in res o& (!ie"ement w!ere you !d potentil

Get n'ry t t!e people w!o mde you &eel like &ilure# Tlk )(k to your

li&etrp# Stnd up &or yoursel&# ;ou (n do t!is )y writin' letters% tlkin' to people

dire(tly% or t!rou'! im'ery#

T=E3A2*STF #eU $our father ho $ou feel in the image. #eU him ho his

attitu!e affects $ou. 3*ANF O&a$. %a!, hen $ou put me !on for m$

career an! tal& a(out ho successful !octors are all the time, it reall$ (others me.

@irst, it5s realt$ frustrating for me to (e a success in ever$one else5s e$es (ut $ours.

Ever$ time I see $ou, I en! up feeling li&e a failure. 7n! this is cra$; I5m !oing

ell; an5t $ou un!erstan! thatH

Get n im'e o& prent or peer% nd tell t!e person !ow you &eel#

*t is up to you w!et!er you (on&ront t!e person dire(tly% in rel li&e# ut i& you

de(ide to (on&ront someone% mke sure you re emotionlly prepred &or t!e person

to respond )y denyin' your ((ustions# Do not !"e &lse !ope t!t t!e person is

suddenly 'oin' to (!n'e )e(use o& w!t you sy# *& t!is is w!t !ppens% 'ret.

)ut do not (ount on it

T!e importnt t!in' is &or you to (on&ront t!e person in wy t!t mkes you

proud o& yoursel&# e!"e well# Sty (lm nd (omposed# Stte your points simply

nd )rie&ly# *& t!e person r'ues% ust keep resttin' your position until you !"e

!d your sy# Tell t!e person !ow t!ey mke you &eel% nd !ow you wis! t!ey

(ould )e insted#

T=E3A2*STF 0hat !i! $ou sa$ to $our fatherH

3*ANF V tol! him that his criticism of me as unfair, that I as realt$ far more

talente! an! competent than I as given cre!it for as a chil! I tol! him that

&e !i! a lot of !amage to me ($ ma&ing me feel incompetent. 4e &ept tr$ing

to interrupt me, (ut I 1ust &ept as&ing him politel$ to let me finish. I tol! him I

ante! him to (e more supportive in terms of m$ or& from no on. I ante!

him to give me some cre!it for hat I5ve accomplishe!.

T=E3A2*STF 4o !i! it feelH

3*ANF 0ell it as har! to !o, (ut it felt goo! aftertvar!s. I still feelgoo! hen I

thin& a(out it.

;ou will &ind t!t it &eels 'ood to (on&ront people i& you (n do it in t!is (ontrolled%

sserti"e wy#

3e'rdless o& w!et!er you (on&ront people dire(tly% it is "itl &or you to

(on&ront t!em in your own !ert# Write letters t!t you do not pln to send% or do



T=E 9A*L<3E L*9ET3A2 1HB

im'er06 exer(ises# Gi"e "oi(e to t!e stron' prt o& you t!t (n ree(t t!e l)el o&

&ilure

K. 8ecome 7are of Your #alents, S&i!s, 7(ilities, an! 7ccomplishments in the 7rea

of 7chievement 3emem)er n importnt6 prin(ipleF t!ere re mny kinds o&

intelli'en(e# T!e intelli'en(e you need to do well in s(!ool is not t!e only kind#

T!ere is "er)l intelli'en(e% mt!emti(l intelli'en(e% "isul8sptil intelli'en(e%

musi(l intelli'en(e% p!ysi(l intelli'en(e% me(!ni(l intelli'en(e% interpersonl

intelli'en(e% et(# All kinds re "lid#

W!t re your spe(il )ilities Do yon !"e &lir &or drwin' Are you

me(!ni(l or lo'i(l Do you !"e 'i&t &or sports or dn(e Are you (reti"e in

some wy Do you 'et lon' well wit! people66 *t is t!e rre person w!o truly !s

no tlents#

3e"iew w!t you !"e (!ie"ed in e(! o& your tlented res# Try s mu(!

s possi)le to "iew yoursel& o)e(ti"ely# We know t!is will#)e !rd &or you.you

!"e stron' tenden(y to minimi4e your (!ie"ements nd mximi4e your &ilures#

3esist doin' t!is# Stop ((entutin' t!e ne'ti"e# 3e(o'ni4e your own "lue s

((urtely s possi)le

We need n ((urte pi(ture to see w!et!er you !"e )een (pitli4in' on

your own tlents# We )elie"e t!t t!e people w!o re most su((ess&ul re t!ose w!o

(n &ind t!eir nturl tlents nd (pitli4e on t!em#

Mke list o& your tlents% skills% )ilities% nd ((omplis!ments in t!e re

o& (!ie"ement% espe(illy your nturl tlents# 3e"iew t!is list e(! dy to remind

yoursel& o& your potentil# Get !elp &rom &riends or si'ni&i(nt ot!ers in mkin'

t!is list#

=ere is t!e list rin mdeF

v TALENTS AND AC COM 2<S= MENTS

1# * m 'ood writer#

+.1 !"e 'ood ides# * m (reti"e#

# * (n r'ue persusi"ely#

i.* m !i'!ly sel&8edu(ted )out politi(s##* !"e 'ood sense o& !umor% espe(illy )out politi(s#

#W!en my nxiety isn6t too !i'!% * ((omplis! lot t work# H#1 m

prominent &i'ure in t!e New ;ork politi(l s(ene#

9or t!ose o& you like rin w!o !"e n inaccurate sense o& &ilure% steps one to

&our s!ould )e su&&i(ient T!ese steps s!ould )rin' )out (!n'e in t!e wy you

t!ink nd &eel )out yoursel&#

ut t!is will not )e true o& most o& you# Most o& you !"e more ((urte

sense o& &ilure# ;ou will 'o t!rou'! steps one t!rou'! &our% nd your (umulti"e

(on(lusion &ter e"eryt!in' will still )e t!t you re &ilure# ;ou (n re(o'ni4e

your tlents nd )ilities% you (n (on&ront t!e people w!o !urt you% you (n lern

(ompssion &or your inner (!ild% nd you (n ((urtely ssess w!t you !"e

(!ie"ed t!us &r# ut t!e (on(lusion &rom it ll my still )e t!t you &eel

o"erw!elmin'ly tike &ilure#

Most o& you need more ;ou need (ehavior change. ;ou !"e to (!n'e your

&undmentl stn(e o& es(pe nd "oidn(e into one o& (on&ronttion nd mstery#

E"en rin !d res t!t !e !d not de"eloped.!e liked to write &i(tion nd

ne"er pursued it )e(use o& !is &t!er6s ttitude# And e"en rin pro(rstinted nd

delyed w!en &(ed wit! nxiety8pro"okin' tsks#*& you have, in &(t% &iled relti"e to your peers% (ontinue wit! t!e &ollowin'

steps#

=. #r$ to See the Dattern in Your @ailures. Tke &o(used li&e !istory# Strt &rom t!e

"ery )e'innin'# Go t!rou'! your s(!ool nd (reer li&e# Were you &ilure &rom

http://will.be/

http://will.be/

http://will.be/



2AA 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

t!e strt Or were t!ere indi(tions o& potentil t t!e )e'innin' t!t &ded &rom

l(k o& support

=ow did your prents del wit! your su((ess nd &ilure Were t!ey (riti(l%

supporti"e% rein&or(in' As (!ild% did you "oid tsks or did you &ollow t!rou'!

on t!em Did you "oid tkin' on (!llen'es

Try to see w!t your pttern !s )een in your (reer# ="e you (!osen n

impossi)le (reer ="e you &iled to (ommit to one (reer Are you in (reer

t!t "stly underutili4es your potentil ="e you )een &rid to tke responsi)ility%

s!ow inititi"e% or sk &or promotion ="e you pro(rstinted% s!own poor

ttitude% per&ormed poorly t o)s ="e you "oided t!e dis(ipline ne(essry to

de"elop skills% 'et (redentils% or re(ei"e de7ute trinin'

Most likely% your pttern will )oil down to t!e issue o& Es(pe# ;ou will &ind

t!t your &ilure is t!e dire(t (onse7uen(e o& your tenden(y to "oids.rt!er t!n

t!e result o& some innte de&i(ien(y% l(k o& tlent% or ineptness#

Kt!leen &ound lot o& e"iden(e o& Es(pe in !er !istory# e(use s!e ws

si(k lot% s!e &ell )e!ind t s(!ool nd ne"er (u'!t up# S(!ool )e(me

!umilitin' experien(e &or !er#

KAT=LEENF I remem(er so man$ times (eing cal&! on ($ the teacher an! not

&noing the anser. I oul! get so em(arrasse! :i!s ma!e fun of me. #he$

use! to call me "!um(" in the pla$groun!.

T!e more "ersi"e s(!ool )e(me% t!e more Kt!leen "oided it# =er &re7uent

si(knesses nd !er &ilure t s(!ool were like t!e (!i(ken nd t!e e''s# E(! one

(used t!e ot!er in spirlin' "i(ious (y(le#

Kt!leen6s nturl tlent ws &or rt S!e !d 'ood "isul sense nd 'ood sense

o& desi'n8 As (!ild% &or exmple% s!e used to rede(orte !er room% nd drw nd

pint# ut s!e ws un)le to (pitli4e on t!is )ility t s(!ool# S(!ool ws too

&ru'!t wit! nxiety#

KAT=LEENF V remem(er once, in fiigh school, this teacher as&e! me to !esign the

sets for this school pla$ the$ ere !oing. 0e ha! ha! a homeor& assignment to

!esign something, an! he li&e! the 1o( I !i! 8ut I tol! him, "6o. " ante! to, (ull

as reall$ 1ust lo( scare! to !o ii.

*t is true t!t t!ere were su)e(ts t s(!ool &or w!i(! Kt!leen !d little ptitude#

ut s!e (ould !"e worked round !er weknesses nd plyed on !er stren't!s% nd

s!e did not T!e trum o& &ilure t s(!ool led !er to "oid e"eryt!in'#

N. Once You See Your Dattern, 2a&e a Dlan to hange It. At its most )si(

le"el% t!is will in"ol"e tkin' steps to o"er(ome your "oidn(e# ;ou must

strt to &(e (!llen'es insted o& runnin' wy# A(knowled'e your rel

tlents% ((ept your limittions% nd pursue res t!t ply on your

stren't!s#

T!ink t!rou'! !ow you (n )e'in to pursue t!e res w!ere you re most

(ompetent# ;ou my !"e to strt new (reer to do t!is# Or you my merely !"e

to (!n'e dire(tion sli'!tly in your ( urrent (reer#

W!t do you !"e to do to meet your 'ol List t!e )e!"iors to (!n'e in t!e

&uture# De"elop timeline &or (!n'e# W!t is t!e &irst step Stop mkin' ex(uses

nd (ommit yoursel& to stop Es(pin'# 3isk &ilure# *t is t!e only wy to su((eed#

Set up smll tsks &or yoursel&# We )elie"e t!e old (li(!e% +A ourney o& ten

t!ousnd miles )e'ins wit! sin'le step#+ De"elop mn'e)le !ierr(!y# Mke

e(! step reson)le nd (!ie")le one &ter t!e ot!er# Strt wit! tsk you (n

do, i& you strt wit! tsk t!t is too o"erw!elm in'% you re unlikely to su((eed#;ou !"e potentil% )ut you !"e not (tully de"eloped it e(use you !"e

"oided so mu(!% you my !"e some rel 'ps in your lernin'# ;ou my !"e to

strt t t!e )e'innin' o& your &ield nd de"elop )si( skills# ;ou my e"en !"e to

'o )(k to s(!ool#

Tke (redit &or t!e pro'ress you mke# 3ewrd yoursel&# 3ein&or(e yoursel&#

A(knowled'e t!e pro'ress you mke#



T=E 9A*L<3E L*9ET3A2 1H

Sin(e Kt!leen6s stren't!s re !er "isul nd desi'n )ilities% s!e seta 'ol to

)e(ome a tele"ision set desi'ner# Oddly enou'!% s!e !d ne"er



T=E 9A*L<3E L*9ET3A2 ?

pursued t!is &ield% e"en t!ou'! t!t ws w!ere !er interests most ly# *nsted s!e

pursued dministrti"e roles% su(! s s(!edulin' nd personnel mn'ement# T!ese

res drew upon !er wek or'ni4tionl nd dministrti"e skills# S !e would

mis!ndle !er dministrti"e tsks s s!e elously wt(!ed t!e set desi'ners

pro(eed wit! t!eir work#

Kt!leen )e'n )y o)ser"in' set desi'ners# S!e styed extr !ours in order to

do t!is# S!e slowly de"eloped reltions!ips wit! t!e desi'n st&& nd )e(me

"olunteer# S!e supplemented t!is )y tkin' some desi'n (ourses to )uild )si(

skills# E"entully s!e ws !ired s n pprenti(e to desi'ner# T!is pro(ess

in"ol"ed loss o& py in t!e s!ort8term% )ut Kt!leen knew s!e ws workin' !er

wy up#

S!e mde (on(erted e&&ort to &o(us on tsks t!t used !er "isul ptitude S!e

llowed ot!ers to per&orm dministrti"e &un(tions# S!e stopped settin' !ersel& up

to &il#

We know t!is is !rd prt o& t!e (!n'e pro(ess# ;ou will !"e to pus!

yoursel&# As your (reer strts to impro"e% t!e positi"e e&&e(ts will sustin you# T!e

pro(ess will )e(ome sel&8perpetutin'# Con&rontin' "oidn(e lmost lwys !s mrked )ene&i(il e&&e(t on person6s li&e

Strtin' is t!e !rdest prt# A&ter t!t it will )e(ome esier#

. 2a&e a @lashcar! to Overcome Your 8lueprint for @ailure. A(knowled'e your

9ilure li&etrp nd your !istory o& es(pe# ut list t!e e"iden(e t!t you !"e the

potential to su((eed# *nstru(t yoursel& to tke t!e next smll step towrd su((ess#

3emind yoursel& o& t!e (onse7uen(es o& (ontinuin' to "oid#

On t!e &ollowin' p'e is &ls!(rd we wrote wit! Kt!leen#



1H 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

A 9A*L<3E 9LAS=CA3D

3i'!t now * m Med wit! &eelin's o& &ilure# T!is is &milir &eelin'# * !"e

&elt it ll my li&e# All my li&e * !"e "oided tkin' (!n(es to )e(ome su((ess#

All my li&e * !"e i'nored my desi'n potentil% e"en t!ou'! te(!ers pointed it

out nd * did well in t!ese kinds o& (lsses nd enoyed t!em# *nsted 1 kept

settin' mysel& up to &iT)y 'oin' &ter t!in's * wsn6t 'ood t

My "oidn(e de"eloped w!en * ws si(k nd lonely s (!ild# W!en *

&ell )e!ind% no one !elped me to (t(! up# No one noti(ed# 3unnin' wy

!elped me (ope s (!ild% )ut it isn6t !elpin' me now#

ut now 9m on tr(k# *6m tryin' to )e(ome set desi'ner# * !"e 'ood

(!n(e to su((eed# * ust !"e to keep mysel& &o(used on my pt! nd on t!e

&(t t!t 9m mkin' pro'ress#

Don6t strt "oidin' 'in# T!t leds only )(k to &ilure# W!t is my

next step T!is is w!t * s!ould )e doin'# Workin' on tkin' my next step#

As you )e'in to mke (!n'es% tke (redit &or e(! smll su((ess# Add it to your

&ls!(rd#

. Involve Your Love! Ones in the Drocess. Try to (rete n interpersonl

en"ironment t!t (ounters5 rt!er t!n supports% your 9ilure li&etrp# *& your

prent or prtner dis(our'es nd (riti(ises you% &i'!t )(k# Ask &or support nd

en(our'ement s you tke steps to (!n'e# *& your prtner is !i'!ly su((ess&ul%

emp!si4e t!e importn(e o& su((eedin' &or $ourselfA e"en i& you do not need

(reer &or &inn(il resons#

SOME 9*NAL WO3DS

As we !"e noted% t!e 9ilure li&etrp is o&ten (onne(ted to ot!er li&etrps# To truly

&i'!t t!e 9ilure li&etrp% you will pro))ly !"e to del wit! t!ese ot!er issues s

well# rin !d to work on !is De&e(ti"eness li&etrp% nd



T=E 9A*L<3E L*9ET3A2 1HJ

2mel !d to work on !er Emotionl Depri"tion# 3ed t!e (!pters on ny linked

li&etrps# Work to o"er(ome t!em s well

T!e 9ilure li&etrp is one o& t!e most rewrdin' to o"er(ome A w!ole re o&

li&e t!t is now &ru'!t wit! s!me nd tension (n )e(omea sour(e o& sel&8esteem#

ut you !"e to )e willin' to &i'!t ;ou !"e to )e willin' to (lose o&& your es(pes

nd (pitli4e on your stren't!s#



"I ALWAYS DO I T Y our W AY!" -THE

SUBJUGATION LIFETRAP

CA3LTONF T=*3T; ;EA3S OLD# 2<TS E@E3;ONE6S NEEDS E9O3E =*S

OWN#

T!e &irst t!in' t!t stru(k us )out Crlton is t!t !e seemed nxious nd e'er to

plese =e !d wy o& umpin' to 'ree wit! w!te"er we sid# Most ptients

spend t lest some prt o& t!e &irst session si4in' us up.tryin' to de(ide i& we re

w!t t!ey wnt in t!erpists# ut not CrltonF !e seemed mu(! more (on(erned

wit! w!t e t!ou'!t o& him, wit! w!et!er !e ws w!t we wnted in ptient#

Crlton is mrried nd !s two smll (!ildren# =e is w!t you mi'!t (ll

!enpe(ked# Eri(% !is wi&e% is "ery demndin'# =e tries to mke !er !ppy )ut

seldom seems to su((eed# S!e mkes ll t!e de(isions )out t!e &mily# =e !s

di&&i(ulty settin' limits wit! !is (!ildren# W!ene"er !e tries to dis(ipline t!em% !e&eels 'uilty# =e works in t!e textile )usiness strted )y !is &t!er# Alt!ou'! !e

ne"er wnted to work in !is &t!er6s )usiness% !e is resi'ned t!t it is w!t !e !s to

do# =e does not enoy !is work#

Crlton &eels trpped in !is li&e# =e !s strted t!erpy )e(use !e is

depressed# Sometimes !e drems o& runnin' wy to di&&erent pl(e nd

)e(omin' w!te"erhe wnts to )e#

MA3; ELLENF TWENT;89O<3 ;EA3S OLD# 9EELS T3A22ED * N =E3

MA33*AGE TO A DOM*NEE3*NG =<SAND#

?



T=E S<$<GAT*ON L*9ET3A2 11

T!e &irst impression Mry Ellen '"e us ws o& sur&(e (!eer&ulness wit! !int o& resentment simmerin' undernet!# S!e ws immeditely on t!e de&ensi"e% nd

seemed to expe(t us to try to dominte !er#

T=E3A2*STF It soun!s li&e $ou5re prett$ unhapp$ in $our marriage. MA3;

ELLENF 7re $ou telling me that I shoul! en! it5

We &ound oursel"es )e(omin' (re&ul )out mkin' ny sttements s!e mi'!t

(onstrue s (ontrollin'#

Mry Ellen ws still teen'er w!en s!e mrried nd !d !er &irst (!ild# S!e

!s )een mrried se"en yers nd !s two (!ildren#

MA3; ELLENF Wy (iggest pro(lem is %ennis, m$ hus(an! 4e5s ver$p&&$. I5m

ala$s running aroun! aiting on him. I feel li&e a slave. 0hen he ants

something, he e?pects me to 1ump. 7n! it5s not onl$ that. 4e ants ever$thing

!one a certain a$. If it5s not ex(tly right, he thros a fit. 4e can get prett$

nast$. 4e 1ust goes on an! on. Yester!a$ he $elle! at me for !ours (ecause I

o&e him up ten minutes late.

Mry Ellen &eels t!t li"in' wit! Dennis is intoler)le# To mke mtters worse% !e

&or)ids !er to spend time wy &rom t!e &mily wit! !er own &riends# On(e% !e(u'!t !er snekin' out to see &riends nd !it !er# Soon &terwrd% s!e de(ided to

strt t!erpy#

Mry Ellen &eels despertely un!ppy% )ut s!e is &rid o& w!t Dennis mi'!t

do i& s!e le&t# S!e lso )elie"es s!e s!ould sty &or t!e ske o& t!e (!ildren# T!e

reltions!ip is e"en more ppllin' to Mry Ellen )e(use it mirrors so (losely !er

reltions!ip wit! !er &t!er# *n &(t% t!e primry reson s!e mrried in t!e &irst pl(e

ws to es(pe &rom t!e !ouse w!ere s!e li"ed wit! !er &t!er# Now% li"in' wit! !er

!us)nd seems e"en worse#

ot! Crlton nd Mry Ellen !"e t!e Su)u'tion li&etrp# T!ey llow ot!er

people to (ontrol t!em#

T=E S<$<GAT*ON <EST*ONNA*3E

T!is 7uestionnire will mesure !ow stron'ly you !"e t!e Su)u'tion li&etrp#

<se t!e s(le on t!e &ollowin' p'e#

SCO3*NG K E;


? Mostly untrue o& me Sli'!tly more true t!n untrue o& me


Mostly true o& me a




S*&$E DES*$)PT)&0

1#1 let ot!er people (ontrol me#

?# 1 m &rid t!t i& 1 do not 'i"e in to ot!er people6s wis!es

t!ey will retlite% 'et n'ry% or ree(t me#

# * &eel t!e mor de(isions in my li&e were not relly my own#

B# * !"e lot o& trou)le demndin' t!t ot!er people respe(t my

ri'!ts#

# * worry lot )out plesin' people nd 'ettin' t!eir ppro"l#

# * 'o to 'ret len't!s to "oid (on&ronttioris#

H# * 'i"e more to ot!er people t!n * 'et )(k in return#

#1 &eel t!e pin o& ot!er people deeply% so * usully endup

tkin' (re o& t!e people *6m (lose to#

J# * &eel 'uilty w!en * put mysel& &irst#

1I#1 m 'ood person )e(use * t!ink o& ot!ers more t!n o&

mysel&#



T=E S<$<GAT*ON L*9ET3A2 1?

;O<3 TOTAL S<$<GAT*ON SCO3E/Add your s(ores to'et!er &or 7uestions 181I0

* NTE323ET*NG ;O<3 S<$<GAT*ON SCO3E



issue in your li&e% BI8BJ =i'!# T!is is de&initely n important li&etrp &or you#


T=E E>2E3*ENCE O9 S<$<GAT*ON

To lr'e de'ree% you experien(e t!e world in terms o& (ontrol issues#Other people

in your li&e lwys seem to )e in (ontrol.you &eel (ontrolled )y t!e people round

you# At t!e (ore o& your su)u'tion is t!e (on"i(tion t!t you must phase ot!ers%

t!t you must plese prents% )rot!ers% sisters% &riends% te(!ers% lo"ers% spouses%

)osses% (oworkers% (!ildren% nd e"en strn'ers# *n ll likeli!ood% t!e only ex(eption

to t!is rule o& plesin' people.t!e only person you do not &eel o)li'ed to plese.

is yoursel&# *t is w!t t!e ot!er person wnts t!t (omes &irst

One (ommon t!eme in t!e li"es o& Crlton nd Mry Ellen is t!e &eelin' o& )ein' trappe! in t!eir li"es# T!e &eelin' o& su)u'tion is oppressi"e# *t is )urden

to li"e li&e under t!e wei'!t o& t!t &eelin'# Constntly meetin' t!e needs o& ot!er

people is so mu(! responsi)ility# *t is ex!ustin'# Li&e loses mu(! o& its oy nd

&reedom# Su)u'tion depri"es you o& your &reedom )e(use t!e (!oi(es you mke

re di(tted )y t!eir e&&e(ts on ot!er people# ;our &o(us is not on yoursel&# *t is not%

+W!t * wnt nd &eel%+ )ut rt!er% +W!t you wnt nd w!t * (n do to mke you

!ppy wit! me#+

Su)u'tion ro)s you o& (ler sense o& w!t $ou wnt nd need.o& w!o you

re# Crlton% w!o ws !ounded )y !is &t!er sin(e (!ild!ood to 'o into t!e &mily

)usiness nd w!o o)eyed% knows inside t!t !e does not wnt to )e )usinessmn%

)ut !s no ide o& w!t !e !oes wnt to )e# =e !s ne"er tken t!e pproprite steps

to &ind out# ;ou re passive. Li&e happens to you#

CA3LTONF V 1ust feel li&e I can5t get hat I ant in life. I !on5t &no ho to get it.

T=E3A2*STF You feel h&e' all $ou can get is hat other people !eign to give $ou.

You !on5t go after hat $ou ant.

;ou &ee- t!t you (nnot s!pe t!e (ourse o& e"ents in your li&e ;ou &eel trpped )y

(ir(urnstn(es or swept lon' )y &te# 3t!er t!n n (tor% you re re(tor# ;ou

&eel t!ere is little you (n do to sol"e your pro)lems# ;ou merely wit nd !ope t!t

suddenly% mir(ulously% e"eryt!in' will 'et )etter#

;ou pro))ly t!ink o& yoursel& s t!e kind o& person wit! w!om it is esy to

'et lon'# Sin(e you re so 'ree)le nd e'er to plese% nd tend to "ert (on&li(t%

nturlly you 'et lon' wit! ot!ers# ;ou see yoursel& s someone w!o is willin' to

((ommodte# ;ou e"en mi'!t (onsider t!is one o& your ssetsF t!t you re &lexi)le

nd )le to dust to mny types o& people# ut you !"e di&&i(ulty settin' limits on

t!e demnds ot!er people mke o& you# W!en people sk you to do t!in's t!t re

unreson)le% su(! s more t!n your s!re o& t!e work% you sy +yes#+ And you

&ind it extremely di&&i(ult to sk ot!er people to (!n'e t!eir )e!"ior% no mtter

!ow mu(! t!eir )e!"ior distur)s you#

Similrly% you mi'!t &eel proud t!t you re )le to ser"e ot!ers.bt!t you re

)le to !elp ot!er people nd )e ttenti"e to ot!er people6s needs# And you re ri'!t

T!e )ility to )e t!ere &or ot!er people is stren't! o& set&8s(ri&i(in' people# ;ou

pro))ly !"e de"eloped exemplry skills in !elpin' ot!ers% nd my )e in one o&

t!e !elpin' pro&essions# =owe"er% one o& your weknesses is t!t w!t $ou wnt

o&ten 'ets lost# Too o&ten you re unsserti"e nd silent )out your needs#

;our su)u'tion lowers your sel&8esteem# ;ou do not &eel entitle! to t!e

le'itimte ri'!ts o& ll people in reltions!ips# E"eryone !s ri'!ts ex(ept you# Eri(

expressed t!is )out Crlton in one o& our mritl sessions#

E3*CA V as so ma! at arlton the other night.

T=E3A2*STF 0hat happene!H

E3*CAF 0e ent out to eat, an! hen arlton got Ins foo! it as col!. 8ut he

oul!n5t teU tire aitress to ta&e it (ac&. 4e &ept the foo!, an! he ate it. 7n!

meanhile he complaine! a(out il to me the hole night.

CA3LTONF It 1ust seeme! U&e such a tri"il thing to ma&e a (ig fitss over.




We !er t!is r'ument o&ten &rom su)u'ted ptients8

t!t t!ey do not &i'!t &or w!tt!ey wnt )e(use t!eir desires seem so tri"il# ut in t!e end% w!en you dd ll t!e

tri"il desires to'et!er% you re le&t wit! li&e in w!i(! &ew o& your needs re met#

W!en we &irst pointed out !is su)u'tion to Crlton% !e r'ued t!t !e ws

not su)u'ted% !e ws simply esy'oin'# =owe"er% Crlton ws passive more t!n

esy'oin'# Esy'oin' people !"e some res in w!i(! t!ey !"e stron' &eelin's%

nd will ssert w!t t!ey &eel# *n minor mtters% t!ey will not express opinions% )ut

in mor mtters t!ey usully will express t!emsel"es# T!ey will stnd up &or (ertin

t!in's# *n su)u'tion% t!ere re lmost no stron' opinions (ross t!e )ord#

W!et!er t!e issues re )i' or smll.no mtter w!t is t stke.in su)u'tion

t!ere is no stron' sense o& sel&# <nexpressed n'er is not!er (lue t!t you re

su)u'ted rt!er t!n esy'oin'#

e(use you l(k stron' sense o& sel&% o&ho you re% t!ere is t!e dn'er t!t

you mi'!t lose yoursel& in your su)u'tor# ;ou (n )e(ome so immersed in tryin'

to meet t!e needs o& ot!er people t!t you )e'in to )lend or mer'e into t!ese people#

T!e )oundry )etween w!o you re nd w!o t!ey re )e(omes )lurred# ;ou mi'!t

dopt ot!er people6s 'ols nd opinions s your own# ;ou mi'!t dopt ot!er people6s

"lues# ;ou mi'!t lose yoursel& in t!e ot!er# T!ere is (!n(e t!t you mi'!t

su)u'te yoursel& to 'roup% prti(ulrly 'roup wit! (!rismti( leder# ;ou

mi'!t e"en &ind some ttr(tion to (ult 'roups#

*n our work% we !"e identi&ied two mor resons w!y su)u'ted ptients

llow ot!er people to (ontrol t!em T!e &irst is t!t t!ey su)u'te t!emsel"es out o&

guilt, or )e(use t!ey wnt to relie"e t!e pin o& ot!ers, nd t!e se(ond is t!t t!ey

su)u'te )e(use t!ey nti(ipte ree(tion% retlition% or )ndonment# T!ese

resons (orrespond to two types o& su)u'tion#

Two T;2ES O9 S<$<GAT*ON

1# Sel&8S(ri&i(e /su)u'tion out o& 'uilt0

?# Su)missi"eness /su)u'tion out o& &er0

Crlton su)u'tes !imsel& out o& 'uilt# =e wnts to 'in approval. =e wnts

e"eryone to h&e !im# Ginin' ppro"l is !is primry moti"tion# *n ddition%

Crlton &eels t!e pin o& ot!ers "ery deeply# W!en !e &eels t!t not!er person is

su&&erin'% !e is mo"ed to tke (re o& t!t person# =e tries to meet ot!er people6s

needs# W!ene"er !e )elie"es !e !s &iled% !e &eels 'uilty# =e &inds t!e experien(e

o& 'uilt "ery un(om&ort)le% nd !is sel&8s(ri&i(e !elps !im "oid t!is 'uilt

Mry Ellen% on t!e ot!er !nd% su)u'tes !ersel& out o& &er# S!e su)mits

)e(use s!e is &rid o& )ein' punis!ed# T!is &er is (ertinly relisti(, Dennis is(ruel nd domineerin'# =owe"er% one wonders w!t it is )out Mry Ellen t!t

(used !er to nee &rom one su)u'ted reltions!ip wit! !er &t!er into not!er one

wit! !er !us)nd# *n !er mrri'e% Mry Ellen reen(ts !er (!ild!ood su)u'tion#

Q SEL98SAC3*9*CE Q

Sel&8s(ri&i(ers &eel responsi)le &or t!e well8)ein' o& ot!ers# As (!ild% you my

!"e experien(ed too mu(! responsi)ility &or t!e p!ysi(l or emotionl wel&re o&

prent sister% )rot!er% or o& some ot!er (lose person# 9or exmple% you my !"e !d

prent w!o ws (!roni(lly ill or depressed# As n dult% you )elie"e it is your

responsi)ility to tke (re o& ot!ers# *n doin' so% you ne'le(t yoursel&#

;our sel&8s(ri&i(e is "irtue t!t !s )e(ome ex(essi"e# Tkin' (re o& ot!ers

!s mny dmir)le 7ulitiesF

CA3LTONF V ma$ (e self sacrificing, (ut I !o a Sot of goo!. 7il m$ frien!s come to

me to !iscuss their pro(lems. 0hen m$ mother is sic&, it5s me she c alls. I5m the

one ho ta&es her to the !octor, ho gets her hat she nee!s.

Dlus, I volunteer at a men5s homeless shelter. I (elong to Freenpeace

an! 7mnest$ International Deople 4&e me ma&e the orl! a (etter place.

;ou re empathic9 per!ps t!is is prt o& your innte temperment# ;ou &eel t!e pin

o& ot!ers nd wnt to ese t!eir pin# ;ou try to &ix t!in's% to mke e"eryt!in'

)etter#

*t is importnt to note t!t your su)u'tion is mostly voluntar$. W!oe"er

su)u'ted you s (!ild did not force you to do w!t !e or s!e wnted# 3t!er%



T=E S<$<GAT*ON L*9ET3A2 1B

)e(use t!ey were in pin or espe(illy wek% you &elt t!t t!eir needs took pre(eden(e o"er yours#

Alt!ou'! sel&8s(ri&i(ers re somew!t less n'ry t!n ot!er su)u'ted types%

you re )ound to !"e some n'er# T!e 'i"e8'et rtio is out o& )ln(e in your li&e.

you re 'i"in' mu(! more t!n you re 'ettin'# Alt!ou'! t!e people you 'i"e to

my not )e to )lme &or tkin' more &rom you t!n t!ey 'i"e )(k% you re lmost

(ertin to !"e some n'er% e"en t!ou'! you my not (knowled'e ny resentment#

;our li&etrp 'ets its stren't! primrily &rom t!e emotion o& 'uilt# ;ou &eel

guilt$ w!ene"er you put yoursel& &irst ;ou &eel 'uilty w!ene"er you )e(ome n'ry

)out !"in' to su)u'te yoursel&# ;ou &eel 'uilty w!ene"er you ssert yoursel&#

;ou &eel 'uilty w!ene"er you &il to lle"ite pin# Guilt !rives your su)u'tion

li&etrp#

W!ene"er you step out o& your su)u'ted role% you &eel 'uilty# E(! time you

&eel 'uilty% you re"ert )(k to sel&8s(ri&i(e Lr'ely to relie"e 'uilt you su)u'te

yoursel& wit! renewed "i'or nd )ury your n'er one more time# ;ou re 'oin' to

!"e to lern to tolerte t!is 'uilt in order to (!n'e

Crlton displys t!is pttern o& n'er nd 'uilt in !is reltions!ip wit! !is wi&e#

=e (onstntly tries to plese !er% yet% t!e more !e tries% t!e more s!e seems to

demnd O& (ourse% !er demnds mke !im n'ry# ut w!ene"er Crlton &eels n'ry%

!e immeditely &eels 'uilty nd tries to plese !is wi&e twi(e s !rd# *n t!is wy% !e

lterntes )etween n'er t !is wi&e nd 'uilt )out !is n'er#

8 S!""S)1E0ESS O

Su)mission is t!e se(ond &orm o& t!e Su)u'tion li&etrp# ;ou su)mit to t!e

su)u'tion pro(ess involuntaril$. W!et!er you (tully !"e (!oi(e or not you

feel s t!ou'! you !"e no (!oi(e As (!ild% you su)u'ted yoursel& in order to

"oid punis!ment or )ndonment% pro))ly )y prent ;our prent t!retened to

!urt you or to wit!drw lo"e or ttention# T!ere ws coercion in t!e su)u'tion

pro(ess# ;ou re lmost lwys n'ry% e"en i& you do not re(o'ni4e your n'er#

Mry Ellen is t!e su)missi"e type o& su)u'tor# T!rou'!out !er (!ild!ood

nd doles(en(e% Mry Ellen6s &t!er ws stri(t

MA3; ELLENF 0hen I left i&e house, he ha! to &no here I as going. 0hen I

got (ac&, &e ha! to &no here I5! (een. 4e !i!n5t let me !ate until I as

seventeen, much later than ever$one else. I as not alloe! to ear ma&eup

or tight clothes. I asn5t alloe! out on ee&nighis, an! ha! to (e home earl$

on ee&en!s. It as a !rag.

T=E3A2*STF 0hat happene! hen $ou !iso(e$e!H

MA3; ELLENF 4e groun!e! me, or $elle!. Sometimes he hit me. I hate! him.

S!e &elt t!t !er !ouse ws prison# Outwrdly% s!e o)eyed !er &t!er )e(use s!e

ws &rid# *nwrdly% s!e ws &illed wit! r'e#

*& you !"e t!is type o& su)u'tion% you !"e &lse )elie&F you ttri)ute more power to t!e people w!o (urrently su)u'te you t!n t!ey (tully !"e# W!oe"er

su)u'tes you now. !us)nd% wi&e% or prent. in trut! !s little power o"er

you# ;ou !"e t!e power to end your su)u'tion# T!ere my )e ex(eptions% su(! syour )oss% )ut e"en t!ere you !"e more (ontrol t!n you t!ink# ;ou my !"e to )e

willin' to le"e t!e person% )ut% one wy or not!er% your su)u'tionamend# ;ou

do not

# !"e to sty wit! someone w!o is domintin' or )usin' you#

At one time% your su)u'tion relly ws in"oluntryF s (!ild# *n reltion to

t!e dults w!o su)u'ted you% you were dependent nd !elpless# A (!ild (nnot

wit!stnd t!e t!ret o& punis!ment or )ndonment ;our su)u'tion ws dpti"e#

ut s n dult you re no lon'er depen8

6 dent nd !elpless# As n dult% you !"e (!oi(e# T!is is somet!in' you must

reli4e )e&ore you (n )e'in to (!n'e

T=E 3OLE O9 ANGE3

Alt!ou'! you pro))ly !"e n esy'oin' mnner% mny stron' &eelin's press upon

you# An'er in prti(ulr )uilds up &rom !"in' to surrender your own needs to t!e

needs o& ot!ers% time &ter time W!en your needs (onstntly re &rustrted% n'er is

ine"it)le# ;ou mi'!t &eel t!t you re )ein' used or (ontrolled% or t!t people re

tkin' d"nt'e o& you% or you mi'!t &eel t!t your needs do not (ount#

Alt!ou'! you my )e (!roni(lly n'ry% you re pro))ly only dimly wre o&

your n'er# ;ou pro))ly would not use t!e word angr$ to des(ri)e yoursel&#




CA3LTONF V as a Utile anno$e! that Erica insiste! Ipic& her up on the a$ to!inner. I ha! to go so far out of m$ a$, an! she as right near the train.

;ou )elie"e t!t it is dn'erous nd wron' to express your n'er to ot!ers% so you

deny nd suppress t!ese &eelin's#

;ou my )e surprised to !er t!is% )ut n'er is "itl prt o& !elt!y

reltions!ips# *t is si'nl t!t somet!in' is wron'.t!t t!e ot!er person my )e

doin' somet!in' un&ir# *delly% n'er moti"tes us to )e(ome more sserti"e nd

(orre(t t!e sitution# W!en n'er produ(es t!is e&&e(t% it is dpti"e nd !elp&ul#

=owe"er% sin(e you typi(lly !old )(k your n'er nd re&rin &rom sel&8ssertion%

you i'nore your )ody6s nturl si'nls nd &il to (orre(t situtions#

O&ten% you re unwre o& t!e wys in w!i(! you express your n'er to ot!ers# ;ou

mi'!t )low up t some seemin'ly minor in(ident in mnner t!t is mrkedly

disproportionte# Mry Ellen% w!ose usul mnner is one o& 7uiet pssi"ity%

suddenly )e(me enr'ed w!en !er du'!ter% Kt!y% ws ten minutes lte &or dinner#

S!e unles!ed n n'ry out)urst t!t surprised !er nd !er du'!ter e7ully#

MA3; ELLENF V tvas stan!ing ($ the !oor hen :ath$ al&e! in. 7U of a su!!en,

I starte! $elling other. I ha! never $elle! at her li&e that (efore. Icoul!n Xt

(elieve it. She loo&e! at me li&e she as shoc&e!, an! tfn she starte! to cr$. I

rushe! over to her an! tol! her I as sorr$. I remem(er thin&ing then that I

reaS$ nee!e! to go into therap$.

*t is not unusul &or su(! sudden% stron' out)ursts o& n'er to surprise t!e

su)u'ted person s mu(! s t!e re(ipient T!is type o& pent8up n'er lmost lwys

seems ex(essi"e in li'!t o& t!e (ir(umstn(e t!t set it o&&#

Alt!ou'! t!ere my )e times w!en you disply% your n'er dire(tly% it is more

(ommon &or you to express it in!irectl$, in dis'uised &s!ion. passive'

aggressivef$.;ou 'et )(k t people in su)tle wys% like pro(rstintin'% )ein' lte%

or tlkin' )out t!em )e!ind t!eir )(ks# ;ou my do t!is unknowin'ly# W!en

pressed% you deny t!t you ment to express n'er# 9or exmple% w!en s!e !d t!t

n'ry out)urst t !er du'!ter% Mry Ellen ws% on more (re&ul nlysis% (tully

md t !er )oss#

T=E3A2*STF 0h$ !i! $ou get so angr$ at :ath$ right thenH

MA3; ELLENF It as 1ust that I ha! gotten home late from or&, an! I as

rushing to get !inner rea!$ (efore %ennis got home, an! :ath$ as suppose!

to help me an! she as late. I as in a reall$ (a! moo! hen I got home from

or&. 2$ (oss ma!e me sta$ late 'in

*t turned out t!t Mry Ellen6s )oss ws re7uirin' !er to work ex(essi"ely lon'

!ours# S!e ne"er expressed n'er dire(tly towrd !er )oss% nor did s!e ssert !ersel& ppropritely# *nsted% s!e ws (!roni(lly lte &or work nd (!roni(lly missed

work dedlines# *n t!is mnner s!e 'ot re"en'e on !er )oss% )ut indire(tly# =er )oss

(ould not )e sure )out w!t ws !ppenin'% t!t t!e lteness ws !ostile#

2ssi"e8''ressi"e )e!"iors.pro(rstintin'% tlkin' )e!ind ot!er people6s

)(ks% 'reein' to do somet!in' nd not &ollowin' t!rou'!% mkin' ex(uses.ll

s!re t!e &eture t!t t!ey irritte ot!er people% )ut it is di&&i(ult &or ot!er people to

know w!et!er t!e pssi"e8''ressi"e person inten!s t!e irrittion#

W!et!er t!rou'! t!erpy (r &or ot!er resons% su)u'ted people sometimes )e'in to

)e(ome more sserti"e W!en t!is !ppens% t!ey o&ten experien(e intense 'uilt# *t is

prt o& t!e su)u'tion li&etrp &or you to )elie"e it is some!owrong &or you to

express your needs# *t is )est &or you to lern to tolerte t!e 'uilt nd (ontinue t!e

sserti"eness ne"ert!eless# <ntil you )e(ome more sserti"e% n'er will (ontinue to

)e si'ni&i(nt pro)lem &or you% e"en i& you re not lwys wre o& its !rm&ul

(onse7uen(es#

+*6LL NE@E3 G*@E *N+F T=E 3EEL

Su)u'ted people re 'enerlly most (om&ort)le in pssi"e role# =owe"er% some

people wit! Su)u'tion li&etrps lerned to (ope t!rou'! Countertt(k# *nsted o& su)mittin'% t!ey tke on t!e opposite role# T!ey )e(ome ''ressi"e nd

domineerin'# y re(elling, t!ey o"er(ompenste &or t!eir &eelin's o& su)u'tion#

<nlike Crlton nd Mry Ellen% re)els tend to (t s t!ou'! only t!ey re

importnt nd only t!ey !"e needs# *& you &it !ere% you del wit! su)u'tion issues

)y doptin' t!e role o& someone w!o is ''ressi"e% de&int% nd sel&8(entered# ;ou

re(el. E"en so% inside you feel t!e sme s ot!er su)u'ted peopleF t!t you re less




importnt nd t!t ot!er people re (tully in (ontrol# ;our ''ression is ust msk% nd you wer it wit! sense o& &lseness# ;ou &ee0 dri"en to extremes o&

sserti"eness# ;ou mi'!t e"en seem insolent# 2eople my ((use you o& )ein' )ossy

nd o"erly (ontrollin'# <ndernet! your )r"do exterior% you (tully &eel

intimidted )y ot!er people#

An'er is (lose to t!e sur&(e wit! re)els# *n &(t you my )e irrit)le mu(! o&

t!e time% nd you re pro))ly prone to n'ry out)ursts# As (!ild or teen'er% you

responded to ttempts )y your prents to su)u'te you )y )e(omin' diso)edient

nd unruly# ;ou my !"e !d temper tntrums or !"e )een )e!"ior pro)lem t

s(!ool ;ou pro))ly sffi !"e pro)lems wit! ut!ority &i'ures# ;ou tend to lose your

poise too esily nd to express your n'er inppropritely# ;ou (onstntly(attle

ut!orityF you !"e 'ret di&&i(ulty tolertin' nyt!in' you per(ei"e s externl

(ontrol.ny su''estion% order% pressure% or (ommnd#

3e)els typi(lly !"e li&elon' )ttles wit! t!eir prents# T!ey ne"er seem to

le"e t!ese (on&li(ts )e!ind nd settle into n dult role# *n some wys% t!ey remin

re)ellious doles(ents% pursuin' (reer interests or reltions!ips t!t re t!e

opposite o& w!t t!eir prents !"e wnted &or t!em#



T=E S<$<GAT*ON <9ET3A2 ?J

3e)els re not (tully ny more &ree t!n ot!er su)u'ted people# T!ey do

not &reely (!oose t!eir interests or reltions!ips, (!oi(es re mde &or t!em )y t!e

people t!ey re re)ellin' 'inst# T!rou'! n insisten(e on disre'rdin' t!e rules%

t!ey re ust s )ound to t!em s t!e person w!o o)eys t!em# T!ey &it t!e pun(!

line o& t!t oke% +W!y did t!e teen'ers (ross t!e rod+.+e(use some)ody#told

t!em not to#+

3 OSEF N*NETEEN ;EA3S OLD% E>E3TS S<C= T*=T CONT3OL O@E3

=E3 EAT*NG T=AT S=E * S ANO3E>*C#

Some people mke up &or t!eir &eelin's o& su)u'tion )y en''in' in ex(essi"e sb8

(ontroL e(use t!ey &eel out o& (ontrol o& most res o& t!eir li"es% t!ey sei4e

(ontrol o& some spe(t o& t!emsel"es# T!is is w!t !ppened to 3ose% w!o !s t!e

etin' disorder known s anore?ia nervosa. 3ose !s str"ed !ersel& until s!e !s

)e(ome ex(essi"ely t!in% ll t!e w!ile insistin' t!t s!e is still too &t#

W!en we look t !er &mily% we see t!t !er mot!er !s lwys dominted !er

nd treted !er !ke (!ild# 3ose !s lerned to i'nore !er own needs nd to

(on&orm to t!e wis!es o& !er mot!er#

3OSEF I5ve ala$s (een a "goo!girl" I5ve ala$s (een o(e!ient. 6o one in

m$ famil$ can (eUeve I5m c ausing pro(lems. 9AT=E3, It5s reall$ true. If

an$thing, she5s ala$s (een too perfect.

3ose !s suppressed !er own needs so o&ten t!t s!e is no lon'er wre o& w!t

t!ey re# S!e !s 'ret di&&i(ulty identi&yin' !er &eelin's nd &inds mny o& !er

inner sttes (on&usin'#

T!e one re in w!i(! 3ose &eels in (!r'e.t!e one re in w!i(! s!e exerts(ontrol.is !er wei'!t# S!e (ontrols !er wei'!t wit! "en'en(e# S!e nd !er

mot!er re lo(ked in )ttle (onstntly )out !ow mu(! &ood s!e ets# 3ose is

Countertt(kin' 'inst !er mot!er6s (ontrol o& !er li&e )y mintinin' ri'id

(ontrol o"er !er intke o& &ood# 9ood )e(omes t!e )ttle'round &or (ontrol )etween

3ose nd !er mot!er# T!rou'! t!e symptoms o& norexi% s!e re)els 'inst !er

mot!er% nd unknowin'ly reen(ts !er Su)u'tion li&etrp#



T=E S<$<SATLON L*9ET3A2 1

O3*G*NS O9 T=E S<$<GAT*ON L*9ET3A2

1# ;our prents tried to dominte or (ontrol lmost e"ery spe(t o&

your li&e#

?# ;our prent&s0 punis!ed% t!retened% or 'ot n'ry t you w!en

you would not do t!in's their wy#

# ;our prentis0 wit!drew emotionlly or (ut o&& (ont(t wit! you

i& you dis'reed wit! t!em )out !ow to do t!in's#

B# ;our prent&s0 did not llow you to mke your own (!oi(es s

(!ild#

# e(use your mot!erV&t!er ws not round enou'!% or ws not

(p)le enou'!% you ended up tkin' (re o& t!e rest o& t!e &mily#

# ;our prents0 lwys tlked to you )out t!eir personl pro)8

lems% so t!t you were lwys in t!e role o& listener# 6

H# ;our prent&s0 mde you &eel 'uilty or sel&is! i& you would not do

w!t t!ey wnted

@9 ;our prent/s0 were like mrtyrs or sints.t!ey sel&lessly took

(re o& e"eryone else nd denied t!eir own needs#

9 ;ou did not &eel t!t your ri'!ts% needs% or opinions were re8

spe(ted w!en you were (!ild#

1I# ;ou !d to )e "ery (re&ul )out w!t you did or sid s (!ild%

)e(use you worried )out your mot!er6sV&t!er6s tenden(y # to

)e(ome worried or depressed#

11# ;ou o&ten &elt n'ry t your prent&s0 &or not 'i"in' you t!e

&reedom t!t ot!er (!ildren !d#

W!en you were (!ild% t!e people (lose to you su)u'ted you# T!ey mi'!t !"e

)een prents% si)lin's% peers% or ot!ers# =owe"er% i& Su)u'tion is one o& your

primry li&etrps% it ws pro))ly your mot!er or &t!er% sin(e prents re t!e most

importnt &i'ures in youn' (!ild6s li&e#

As (!ild% you my only !"e !d "'ue wreness o& your su)u'tion#

;ou my !"e sensed t!t you were resent&ul towrd one or )ot! your prents% or

t!t you &elt oppressed# E"en s n dult you my not &ully reli4e t!e extent o&

your (!ild!ood su)u'tion# Sometimes% t!rou'! t!erpy% ptients wit! t!is li&etrp

)e'in to understnd t!e su)u'tion pro(ess% nd 'in insi'!t into !ow mu(! t!ey

were su)u'ted s

(!ildren# T!ey o&ten )e(ome "ery n'ry# *& t!is !ppens to you# it is importnt to

reli4e t!t t!ere is 'ret del o& "rition in t!e moti"tions o& prents w!o

su)u'te t!eir (!ildren#

At t!e extreme ne'ti"e end% t!ere is t!e )usi"e prent w!o su)u'tes t!e

(!ild out o& sel&is!ness% su(! s Mry Ellen6s &t!er# Su(! prents try to mintin

totl (ontrol o& t!eir (!ildren t!rou'! punis!ment or wit!drwl o& lo"e T!e (!ild

must su)u'te in order to sur"i"e%

MA3; ELLENF #he other night, I as atching 3m$ father < ith m$ !aughter. I

as atching an! &noing that he ha! !one the same e?act thing to me. 4e

as ma&ing her as& to (e e?cuse! from the ta(le over an! over. 4e !i!n5t li&e

the a$ she ha! as&e! to (e e?cuse!. 7n! she as onl$ four; 2$ !aughter

as cr$ing, an! the mare she crie!, the more he $elle! at her.

*& you were )rou'!t up )y prent w!o ws )usi"e used dru's or l(o!ol% ws

mentlly ill% or !d ot!er serious pro)lems% you my !"e )een su)u'ted in t!is

extreme &s!ion# Su(! prents pl(e t!eir needs &irst )o"e t!e needs o& t!eir

(!ildren% nd l(k empt!y# T!ey do 'ret dm'e to t!eir (!ildren# *& you were

(!ild o& su(! prent% it is lmost (ertin t!t you !"e stron' Su)u'tion

li&etrp# ;ou mi'!t (onsider t!erpy s wy to o"er(ome it

Ner t!e middle o& t!e Su)u'tion (ontinuum% one o& your prents my !"e

(riti(i4ed or reprimnded you w!ene"er you expressed ny indi"idulity# T!is is

w!t !ppened to Crlton# W!ene"er Crlton mde demnds% !is &t!er (lled !im

wek nd sel&is!#



1J 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

CA3LTONF V reall$ !on5t &no hat I oul! h&e to !o if I left m$ father5s

(usiness an! ent out on m$ on. T=E3A2*STF 0as tltere an$thing $ou li&e!

as a chil!, something that as

special to $ouH

CA3LTONF #here as something. 7s a chil! I love! to pla$ the piano. 8ut m$

father !i!n5t h&e it 4e thought it asn5t macho enough. 4e ma!e fun of me. 4e

oul!n 5i let me ta&e lessons. 0hat !e ante! as for me to pla$ sports. 4e

use! to force me to tr$ outfor the teams. I never ma!e an$. 4e use! to get so

ma! at me for (eing such a lous$ athlete.

Crlton6s &t!er wnted son &ormed in !is own im'e# W!en Crlton resisted% !e

(riti(i4ed !im A&ter w!ile% Crlton lerned t!t !e ws )d to !"e needs o& !is

own# =e (rried t!is &eelin' wit! !im so t!t lter% s n dult% !e )e(me intensely

sel&8(riti(l w!ene"er !e wnted to ssert !imsel&#

Crlton mrried womn similr to !is &t!er# Eri( lso !s !er ides )out

w!t !e s!ould )e# S!e s(olds !im w!ene"er !e de"ites# *n &milir "ein% s!e

(omplins i& !e sits down to ply t!e pino nd pus!es !im to )e more ''ressi"e t

work# Alt!ou'! Crlton is n'ry t !er% !e does not disply it *nsted% !e (ts

polo'eti( ll t!e time nd meekly su)mits# =e does t!e sme wit! ot!er people#

Crlton llows ot!er people to su)u'te !im% nd t!us ( ontinues t!e pro(ess strted

)y !is &t!er lon' 'o#

Crlton6s sel&8s(ri&i(e ori'inted in !is reltions!ip wit! !is mot!er s well#

T!rou'!out mu(! o& Crlton6s (!ild!ood% !is mot!er ws si(k nd (on&ined to )ed#

S!e ws depressed nd needy#

CA3LTONF V trie! to &eep her compan$, &eep her happ$. She as so !on aU the

time. I oul! sta$ ith her instea! of going outsi!e to pla$. I remem(er I

coul! hear the other &i!s pla$ing outsi!e as I sat in her

room.

T=E3A2*STF 0hat oul! $ou !o for herH

CA3LTONF Oh, rea! to her, or tal&. 8ring her foo! an! tr$ to get her to eat.

T=E3A2*STF It must have (een har! for $ou to give up pla$ing ith $our frien!s.

CA3LTONF Oh, I !on5t remem(er min!ing it that much.

Crlton did not de"elop tremendous mount o& n'er t !is mot!er )e(use s!e

did not fo+1e !im to s(ri&i(e &or !er# =e did it )e(use s!e needed !im## ut

undernet! !e !d stron' sense o& depri"tion#

T!e !istories o& Crlton nd Mry Ellen express ust &ew o& t!e &orms

su)u'tion (n tke in (!ild!ood# Sin(e t!is is su(! (ommon li&etrp% we will tellyou )out &ew more#

S=ANNONF TWENT;89O<3 ;EA3S OLD# S=E *S A +GOOD G*3L+ W=O DOES

W=AT =E3 MOT=E3 A*MD =<SAND TELL =E3 #

S!nnon6s prents seemed to men well% )ut were o"erprote(ti"e# =er mot!er

wnted to s!ield !er &rom t!e (onse7uen(es o& mkin' ny wron' de(isions%

S=ANNONF 2$ mother ma!e all m$ !ecisions for me. 7n!, h&e a goo! girt, ; ent

along. She !eci!e! ho m$ frien!s ere, ho I !ate!, here I

ent to school, hat I ore, tchat games I pla$e!, ever$thing $ou coul! thin&

of.

=er mot!er (ontrolled !er% )ut in su)tle wy# W!en S!nnon re)elled nd sserted

!ersel&% !er mot!er undermined !er (on&iden(e )y implyin' t!t s!e ws not

(p)le o& mkin' !er own (!oi(es#

*n ddition to Su)u'tion% s!e lso de"eloped Dependen(e li&etrp /see

C!pter 1I0# =er in)ility to mke de(isions re&le(ts )ot! Dependen(e nd

Su)u'tion# As n dult% S!nnon still llows ot!ers to mke &l !er de(isions#Ant!ony% !er !us)nd% (omplinsF

ANT=ON;F She has no inititi"e# I5m ala$s the one ho !eci!es lvere to go for

!inner, hat sho to atch, here to go on vacation, an! hat pro1ects to !o

in the house. 0hen e sit aroun! ith a (unch of frien!s tr$ing to !eci!e hat

to !o for the evening, it5s never Shannon ho finall$ sa$s, "Let5s go to the



T=E S<$<SATLON L*9ET3A2 1 J I

movies." 7n! hen I sk her hat she ants to !o, she ala$s sa$s, "I !on5t

care, hatever $ou ant is fine."

S=ANNONF 0ell, I realt$ don6t care. I reall$ have no preference.

As in !er reltions!ip wit! !er mot!er% w!en S!nnon does mke su''estion% !er

!us)nd ridi(ules !er# W!en t!is !ppens% s!e (ollpses )(k into !er su)u'tion#

W*LL*AMF T=*3T;8SE@EN ;EA3S OLD# AS A C=*LD% = E SE3@ED ASA

2A3ENT TO =*S OWN ALCO=OL*C MOT=E3 #

*n n ll8too8(ommon s(enrio in (ses o& (!ildren o& l(o!oli(s% Willim de"oted

mu(! o& !is li&e to tkin' (re o& !is l(o!oli( mot!er# As "ery youn' (!ild% !e

de"eloped sel&8s(ri&i(e s mens o& preser"in' n tt(!ment to !is mot!er.)y

keepin' !er int(t% !e (ould insure t!t s!e would )e "il)le to !im# =e took (re

o& !is mot!er# =e ws t!e prenti&ied (!ild#

W*LL*AMF V !i! the shopping. I coo&e! the meals. I calle! her (oss an! ma!e up

lies to cover for her hen she as too hung over logo to or&. #here ere a

lot of times that I5tol! them as sic& at school, hen I as 1ust sta$ing home

to nurse m$ mother. I trie! so har! to get her to stop !rin&ing. I hi! her scotch.

I measure! ho muc& she as !rin&ing. I use! to mar& the (ottles (efore I

ent to (e!. I (egge! her to get &elp.

T=E3A2*STF %i!n5t an$one tr$ to &elp $ouG

W*LL*AMF 6o, Once in a ivhtie m$ aunts an! uncles oul! as& hat as going on,

(ut I oul! 4e an! teS them ever$thing as fine. I &ne the$ !i!n5t realt$

ant to &no.

As n dult% Willim still tries to s"e ot!er people# =e is do(tor# =e !s lerned to

(!nnel !is tlent &or sel&8s(ri&i(e produ(ti"ely into !is work#

*n !is personl li&e% Willim !s more trou)le# =e is (o8dependent =is pttern

is to seek out needy people% prti(ulrly l(o!oli( women% nd &orm sel&8s(ri&i(in'

reltions!ips wit! t!em# =e !s !elped !imsel& to o"er(ome t!is sel&8destru(ti"e

pttern )y oinin' support 'roup &or (!ildren o& l(o!oli(s# =is reltions!ip wit!

!is (urrent 'irl&riend is !elt!ier# =e is )le to ssert !is needs% nd% w!en !e does%

!is 'irl&riend is responsi"e# Willim is lernin' t!t it is !elt!ier &or !im to &orm

reltions!ips in w!i(! !is needs !"e (!n(e o& )ein' met%

2er!ps you !"e seen yoursel& in one o& t!esestories# 2er!ps your story is somew!t di&&erent T!ere

re mny (!ild!ood pt!s t!t led to t!e de"elopmento& Su)u'tion li&etrp# T!e (ru(il &(tor is t!t% &or resons t!t were )eyond your (ontrol t t!e time% youwere su)u'ted And now in dult!ood% t!ou'! your (ir(umstn(es !"e (!n'ed% you (ontinue to su)u'teyoursel& to t!e people in your li&e% eit!er t!rou'!

su)mission or sel&8s(ri&i(e

DANGE3 S*GNALS * N 2OTENT*AL 2A3TNE3S

1# ;our prtner is domineerin' nd expe(ts to !"e t!in's !isV!er

wy# a

?# ;our prtner !s "ery stron' sense o& sel& nd knows ex(tly

w!t !eVs!e wnts in most situtions#

# ;our prtner )e(omes irritted or n'ry w!en you dis'ree or

ttend to your own needs#

B#;our prtner does not respe(t your opinions% needs% or ri'!ts#

#;our prtner pouts or pulls wy &rom you w!en you do t!in's

your wy#

# ;our prtner is esily !urt or upset% so you &eel you !"e to tke

(re o& !imV!er#

H# ;ou !"e to wt(! w!t you do or sy (re&ully )e(use your prtner drinks lot or !s )d temper# \ ;our prtner is not "ery (ompetent

or to'et!er% so you end up !"in' to do lot o& t!e work#



1J1 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

*. ;our prtner is irresponsi)le or unreli)le% so you !"e to )e o"erly

responsi)le nd reli)le#

1I# ;ou let your prtner mke most o& t!e (!oi(es )e(use most o& t!e

time you do not &eel stron'ly one wy or t!e ot!er#

11# ;our prtner mkes you &eel 'uilty or ((uses you o& )ein' sel&is!

w!en you sk to do somet!in' your wy#

1?# ;our prtner )e(omes sd% worried% or depressed esily% so you

end up doin' most o& t!e listenin'#

1# ;our prtner is "ery needy nd dependent on you#

;ou !"e t!e stron'est &eelin's o& ttr(tion nd tt(!ment to prtners w!o

tri''er your li&etrp# T!ese reltions!ips )e(ome intense &or you )e(use t!ey

unlo(k t!e emotions o& your (!ild!ood su)u'tion# A'in nd 'in% you turn

reltions!ips into reen(tments o& your (!ild!ood su)u'tion# E"en i& you re t!e

re)el type nd !"e sele(ted pssi"e prtner to dominte nd (ontrol% t!e pro(ess

is still one o& su)u'tion#

One (ommon pttern mon' su)u'ted people w!o re su)missi"e is to seek out reltions!ips wit! ''ressi"e% dominnt &i'ures.wit! leders# *n your pssi"ity

you re7uire stron' &i'ure# ;ou need someone to tell you w!t to do nd !ow to

&eel )out t!in's# ;ou my )e(ome dependent on ot!ers to mke de(isions &or you#

T!is is w!t !ppened to S!nnon% w!ose mot!er mde ll !er de(isions &or !er#

S!e ws lwys +t!e 'ood 'irl%+ ex(tly t!e du'!ter !er prents wntedF s!e ws

polite nd o)edient% did well t s(!ool% nd ws t!e per&e(t du'!ter# S!nnon

mrried ust t!e kind o& mn !er prents wnted# Now s!e is t!e per&e(t wi&e#

S=ANNONF Iguess I5m notreall$ thathapp$ a(out ever$thing, (ut 7nthon$

gets ma! if I sa$ an$thing. 4e gets reall$ anno$e!. T=E3A2*STF 0hat is so

(a! a(out 7nthon$ getting ma! at $ouH S=ANNONF Oh, the thought of him getting

ma! reall$ scares me. 0hat if

he !eci!e! he !i!n5t ant to (e ith me an$moreH

S!nnon &eels totlly dependent upon !er !us)nd# S!e &eels nxious i& t!ey re

prt e"en &or &ew !ours# S!e does e"eryt!in' ri'!t to "oid !is n'er# W!t s!e

&ers most is t!t in !is n'er !e mi'!t )ndon !er, s!e &eels (ertin t!t s!e (ould

ne"er sur"i"e on !er own# S!e su)u'tes !ersel& totlly# =er dependen(e mintins

!er su)u'tion% nd !er su)u'tion mintins !er dependen(e#

*& you re sel&8s(ri&i(in'% you my )e drwn to needy nd dependent

S<$<GAT*ON L*9ET3A2S

1#;ou let ot!er people !"e t!eir own wy most o& t!e time#

?#;ou re too e'er to plese.you will do lmost nyt!in' to )e

liked or ((epted#

#;ou do not !ke to dis'ree openly wit! ot!er people6s opinions#

B#;ou re more ( om&ort)le w!en ot!er people re in positions o&

(ontrol%

# ;ou will do lmost nyt!in' to "oid (oruronttion or n'er# ;ou

lwys ((ommodte#

#;ou do not know w!t you wnt or pre&er in mny situtions#

H#;ou re not (ler )out your (reer de(isions#

#;ou lwys end up tkin' (re o& e"eryone else.lmost no one

listens to or tkes (re o& you#

J# ;ou re re)ellious.you utomti(lly sy +no+ w!en ot!er peo8

ple tell you w!t to do#

1I# ;ou (nnot stnd to sy or do nyt!in' t!t !urts ot!er people6s

&eelin's#

11# ;ou o&ten sty in situtions w!ere you &eel trpped or w!ere your

needs re not met1?# ;ou do not wnt ot!er people to see you s sel&is! so you 'o to

t!e ot!er extreme#

1# ;ou o&ten s(ri&i(e yoursel& &or t!e ske o& ot!er people#

1B# ;ou o&ten tke on more t!n your s!re o& responsi)ilities t

!ome ndVor t work#

1# W!en ot!er people re trou)led or in pin% you try "ery !rd to

mke t!em &eel )etter% e"en t your own expense#

1# ;ou o&ten &eel n'ry t ot!er people &or tellin' you w!t to do#

1H# ;ou o&ten &eel (!eted.t!t you re 'i"in' more t!n you re

'ettin' )(k#

1# ;ou &eel 'uilty w!en you sk &or w!t $ou wnt

1J# ;ou do not stnd up &or your ri'!ts#



T=E S<$<SATLON L*9ET3A2 1 J ?

prtners# ;ou rus! to &ill t!eir needs# ;ou mi'!t try tos"e or res(ue t!em% Sometimes su)u'ted people(!oose nr(issisti( prtners% w!o re demndin' )ut'i"e little in return% nd w!o relly do not (re )outot!ers6 &eelin's# ;ou re (om&ort)le in t!e role o& t!eone w!o is 'i"in' ll t!e time# *& you re re)el% youmi'!t pi(k someone w!o is e"en more su)u'ted t!nyou% so you (n )e t!e one in (ontrol#

?I# ;ou resist doin' w!t ot!er people wnt you to do in n indire(t

wy# ;ou pro(rstinte% mke mistkes% nd mke ex(uses#

?1# ;ou (nnot 'et lon' wit! ut!ority &i'ures%

??# ;ou (nnot sk &or promotions or rises twork#?# ;ou &eel t!t you l(k inte'rity.you((ommodte too mu(!#?B# 2eople tell you t!t you re not ''ressi"e

or m)itious enou'!#

?# ;ou ply down your ((omplis!ments#

?# ;ou !"e trou)le )ein' stron' inne'otitions#

T!ese re pit&lls &or you to "oid in lo"e nd work#E"en i& you &ind prtner w!o wnts reltions!ip )sed on e7ulity% you my still &ind wys to rein&or(eyour li&etrp# And e"en i& you !"e o) t!t o&&ers yout!e oprxrtur$ty to )e(ome mor prti(ipnt you (ntwist it until it (on&orms to your su)u'ted role#

W!te"er reltions!ip you &orm% you re )ound to!"e n'er simmerin' )elow t!e sur&(e# T!e )uild8upo& n'er is somet!in' t!t t!retens t!e st)ility o& su)u'ted reltions!ips# Erly in reltions!ips% yousuppress n'er nd "oid (on&li(t# T!is !elps keep t!ereltions!ip int(t% )ut it is !rd to keep up# A&ter period o& yers% your n'er my )uild up to su(! pointt t you re e % (omp ete y upsett n' t e n(e o t ere t ons p% or you my w t rw or ret te# tent ere re sexu (u t es# n t on% s t e yersss ou m row n e"e o stron er sense o

WO3K

Sin(e t!e Su)u'tion li&etrp (n !"e su(! power&ule&&e(t upon your li&e t work% we will spend some timedis(ussin' t!is spe(t

u u'te peop e o ten wor n one o t e e p n' pro ess ons% prt (u r y t ey re se 8s(r ( n'# oumy e o(tor% nurse% omem er% te( er% m n ster%t erp st% or ot er n o e er# t s ntur t t youwou 'r" tte towr (reer o ser" (e to ot ers, t eSu)u'tion li&etrp tkes lot wy &rom you% )ut oneo& its 'i&ts is (ute sensiti"ity to t!e needs nd pin o&



1J 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

t!e ri'!t !nd o& more power&ul person to w!omyou re de"oted nd w!o &inds you "ery use&ul# *nmny wys% you re ust t!e type o& person )osswnts to !ire# ;ou re o)edient% loyl% nd demndlittle# *t is pro))ly rre e"ent &or you to sk &or rise# ;ou try !rd to plese e"eryone% espe(illyyour superiors5 nd you !"e trou)le settin' limitson t!e mount o& s(ri&i(e you will mke# =ere isn exmple &rom one o& Crlton nd Eri(6s mritlsessions#

E3*CAF 7nother thing I5m ma! a(out is that arlton on5t ta&e a

vacation

ith me. 4e on5t as& his father for the time. 0e haven5t gone on a

vacation together in si? $ears; CA3LTONF You pis I !on5t un!erstan!.

#he$ nee!, me too much at the

office. I &no %a! oul! (e !isappointe!. I 1ust can5t let him !on that

a$.

Alt!ou'! Crlton wnts "(tion nd &eels torn t!t !e (nnot spend more

time wit! !is &mily% !is work is lwys !i'!er priority t!n !is own

desires#

;ou mi'!t )e too mu(! o& yes person% ;ou mi'!t 'ree wit! your )oss

or (oworkers ust to plese t!em% rt!er mn )e(use you t!ink t!ey re ri'!t#

=elen is t!is wy#

=ELENF T=*3T;89O<3 ;EA3S OLD% =E3 S<$<GAT*ON 23E@ENTS

=E3 93OM 9<L9*LL*NG = E 3 2OTENT*AL AT WO3K #

work8relted issues# W!en sked to (omment on issues% t!ey &eel (on&used

)out w!ere t!ey stnd# S!nnon% w!o !s )ot! t!e Dependen(e nd

Su)u'tion li&etrps% is t!is wy# 3t!er t!n t!inkin' &or !ersel&% s!e simply

(on&orms to w!te"er t!e 'roup seems to wnt# Alt!ou'! s!e is !rd

worker% !er work does not )er t!e stmp o& !er indi"idulity#

S=ANNONF V as a mess the other !a$ at or&. I ha! to !eci!e hether to

inclu!e these certain figures in m$ report to the Safet$ committee, an!

m$ (oss as out for the !a$. I almost ha! a panic attac&.

T=E3A2*STF 4o !i! $ou go a(out ma&ing the !ecisionH

S=ANNONF V ent aroun! to5ever$one I coul! fin! an! got a!vice. If ma!e

me cra$, reall$. I oul! tal& to one person, an! the$ oul! ma&e sense,

(ut the ne?t person oul! sa$ something completel$ !ifferent, an! the$

oul! ma&e sense loo,T=E3A2*STF It soun!s 4&e the hole process 1ust left $ou more confuse!.

PS!nnon l(ks (ler sense o& !er identity s pro&essionl in !er (ompny#

T!is detr(ts &rom t!e 7ulity o& !er work# S!e is resent&ul t!t ot!er people

in !er (ompny w!o work less !"e risen &ster on t!e promotionl ldder#

=elen !s middle8mn'ement position in lr'e(orportion# S!e did extremely well in )usiness s(!ool% )ut !s not d"n(ed s 7ui(kly in t!e )usiness worlds !er peers%

=elen tends to sy w!t people t work wnt to!er% rt!er t!n w!t s!e "iews s t!e trut!% espe(illyw!en s!e dels wit! ut!ority &i'ures# S!e re&rins&rom mkin' su''estions or dis'reein'% e"en w!ens!e !s somet!in' importnt to o&&er# Mny o& !er

"lu)le opinions nd ides remin !idden )e(use s!eis silent w!en s!e s!ould spek#W!en !er superiors sk !er )out t!e sttus o& !er

proe(ts% s!e presents n o"erly optimisti( "iew o& t!in's )e(use s!e wnts to plese t!em# S!e lso((epts too mu(! work *t is not surprisin' t!t s!ekee s windin u in t!e osition o& )ein un)le to



T=E S<$<SATLON L*9ET3A2 1 J B

;ou pro))ly re too pssi"e t work% nd t!is dm'es your (!n(es

&or d"n(ement# ;ou l(k t!e inititi"e nd m)ition it tkes to 'et !ed#

;ou "oid leders!ip roles t!t re7uire you to tke independent (tion# ;ou

re most (om&ort)le wit! n ut!ority &i'ure to dire(t nd 'uide you#

K AT=E3$NEF T=*3T; @EA3S OLD# S=E D*D WELL *N SC=OOL% <T

CANNOT 9<NCT*ON *NDE2ENDENTL; * N T=E WO3K2LACE#

EL*RAET=F TWENT;8E*G=T ;EA3S OLD# <NDE3SELLS =E3SEL9

AT WO3K #

CA3LTONF 2$ father ma&es a$ too man$ !eman!s on me. 4e ta&es

Kt!erine is lwyer workin' in smll &irm# S!e !dn ex(ellent re(ord s student in lw s(!ool% w!eres!e ws (losely tied to t!e pro&essor w!o ser"ed s !er mentor# On(e s!e le&t s(!ool s!e )e'n to !"e pro)lems# =er o) demnded more utonomy nd sel&8dire(tion t!n s!e ws )le to supply#

KAT=E3*NE6# V &no I5m suppose! to ta&e on m$ on cases, (ut I fin!

m$self avoi!ing it. I reall$ (etter get it together. I5m un!er so much pressure to

pro!uce.

A((ustomed s s!e is to t!e pssi"ity o& su)u'tion% Kt!erine is un(om&ort)le

Eli4)et! illustrtes not!er (!r(teristi( o& su)u'tion t!t (n !urt your (!n(es

to 'et !ed# S!e works &or n d"ertisin' 'en(y s prt o& tem o& six people

t!t (retes proposls &or d"ertisin' (mpi'ns# S!e is "ery )ri'!t nd

im'inti"e# =owe"er% s!e !s t!e mrked tenden(y to ply down !er importn(e#

EL*RAET=F V or& har! I contri(ute a tot to the team. 8ut I5m not confi!ent

enough. I !on5t li&e (eing the center of attention. Li&e the other !a$, hen

Freg too& cre!it for m$ ca&e mi? i!ea, I ha! trou(le spea&ing up, setting the

recor! straight.

T=E3A2*STF V thought you ere going to present $our ca&e mi? i!ea.

EL*RAET=F 7t the last minute, I let Freg !o it. 7n! he en!e! up ta&ing the

cre!it.

9urt!ermore% Eli4)et! is not stron' ne'otitor, s!e )(ks down too esily# S!e

e"en !s sserti"eness pro)lems wit! su)ordintes )e(use s!e tries too !rd to

plese t!em nd !s di&&i(ulty exertin' t!e proper ut!ority# S!e prises t!eir work

w!en it is not up to pr nd llows t!em too mny li)erties# S!e does tedious work

!ersel& t!t s!e s!ould dele'te W!en !er su)ordintes mke unreson)le

re7uests% s!e &inds it !rd to sy +no#+ Nturlly% people tke d"nt'e o& t!e

sitution#

*t is ine"it)le t!t you will )e(ome n'ry )out your su)u'tion t work#

ut you rrely express your n'er dire(tly# ;ou keep your n'er )ottled up inside#

y suppressin' it% you in(rese rt!er t!n de(rese your n'er% nd mke it more

likely t!t you will express your n'er in sel&8de&etin' wys#

;ou mi'!t &ind t!t you restrin your n'er &or lon' periods% t!en suddenly

erupt in w!t is usully n inpproprite expression o& n'er# 2er!ps you !"e

di&&i(ulty settin' limits on t!e mount o& work you ((ept &rom your )oss# ;ou

mi'!t simmer wit! n'er )elow t!e sur&(e &or w!ile% nd t!en !"e n n'ry

out)urst t meetin'% or )e o"erly ''ressi"e in your delin's wit! (lient or

su)ordinte Su(! )e!"ior is unpro&essionl nd dm'es your im'e#

=owe"er% t!e most likely s(enrio is t!t you express your n'er pssi"e8

''ressi"ely# T!is is w!t Crlton does#



1J 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

a!vantage of m$ illingness to go the e?tra mi&. T=E3A2*STF

%o $ou ever tell $our father that the or& is too muc&H CA3LTONF 6o.

4e shoul! &nout. #o his face I sa$ it5s ust &ine% (ut he

shoul! &no from the a$ thai I sa$ it that I !on5t mean it.

Crlton (uses trou)le in !idden wys# =e (ts out !is n'er rt!er t!n

expressin' it dire(tly# =e wlks t!rou'! t!e o&&i(e wit! sullen

expression on !is &(e =e (omplins to t!e ot!er employees )e!ind !is

&t!er6s )(k nd en(our'es ot!ers to (omplin# =e pro(rstintes% nd

t!en polo'i4es or mkes ex(uses &or not !"in' !is work done#

T=E 3EEL AT WO3K # 3e)els disply t!e opposite ptternF t!ey re

domineerin' nd (ontrollin'#

T*MOT=;F 9O3T; 8 T=3EE ;EA3S OLD# =E *S SE3@*LE TO

=*S OSS% <T ACTS L*KE A <LL; W*T= =*S

S<O3D*NATES#

;ou mi'!t su)u'te yoursel& to some people t work%nd t!en tke it out on ot!ers# Timot!y does t!is# =emn'es t!e men6s (lot!in' deprtment o& lr'e store#=e su)u'tes !imsel& to t!e 'enerl mn'er% tryin'(eselessly to 'in t!is mn'ers ppro"l% )ut to no"il#

T*MOT=;F #he general manager seems to !isli&e me for some reason. 4e

sometimes em(arrasses me. #he other !a$ he scol!e! me in front of some

customers an! emplo$ees. 4e or!ere! me to stan! there an! fol! clothes, 4&e

a menial cler&.

T=E3A2*STF 0hat !i! $ou !oH

T*MOT=;F V !i! it. ; stoo! there an! fol!e! the clothes.

Nturlly% t!is stte o& &&irs kindles n'er# Timot!y tkes out !is n'er on t!e

slespeople nd ot!er employees )elow !im#

T*MOT=;F I5m 4&e a t$rant in the !epartment. I snap out comman!s, an! people

(etter step to. 7n! if the$ mess up, the$ are going to hear it from me, lou! an!

!ear all through the !epartment.T=E3A2*STF #hai5s reven e. You treat them even orse than our (oss treats ou.



T=E S<$<SATLON L*9ET3A2 1 J

Timot!y !s two extremes# At one extreme% !e isser"ile nd e'er to plese# At t!e ot!er% !e isdemndin' nd &urious# At one extreme% !e ppersn'er less, t t!e ot!er% !is n'er is (ompletely out o&(ontrol =ere re t!e steps to (!n'in' your Su)u'tionli&etrpF opinions nd "lues t!em% nd w!o is stron'

enou'! to do I per(ent o& t!e work% 'i"e t!e

reltions!ip (!n(e#

12.e more ''ressi"e t work# Tke (redit &or w!t you do# Do not

let ot!er people tke d"nt'e o& you# Ask &or ny promotions or rises

you mi'!t )e entitled to 'et# Dele'te responsi)ilities to ot!er people#

1# /To t!e 3e)el%0 Try to resist doin' t!e opposite o& w!t ot!ers tell

you to do# Try to &i'ure out w!t $ou wnt% nd do it e"en i& it is

(onsistent wit! w!t ut!ority &i'ures tell you#

C=ANG*NG ;O<3 S<$<GAT*ON L*9ET3A2

1# <nderstnd your (!ild!ood su)u'tion# 9eel t!e su)u'ted

(!ild inside o& you#

?# List e"erydy situtions t !ome nd t work in w!i(!% you

su)u'te or s(ri&i(e your own needs to ot!ers#

# Strt &ormin' your own pre&eren(es nd opinions in mny spe(ts

o& your li&eF mo"ies% &oods% leisure time% politi(s% (urrent (on8

tro"ersil issues% time us'e% et(# Lern )out yoursel& nd your

needs#

B# Mke list o& w!t you do or 'i"e to ot!ers% nd w!t t!ey do

or 'i"e to you# =ow mu(! o& t!e time do you listen to ot!ers =ow

mu(! o& t!e time do t!ey listen to you

# Stop )e!"in' pssi"e8''ressi"ely# 2us! yoursel& systemti8

(lly to ssert yoursel&.express w!t you need or wnt# Strt wit!

esy re7uests &irst#

# 2r(ti(e skin' ot!er people to tke (re o& you# Ask &or !elp#

Dis(uss your pro)lems# Try to (!ie"e )ln(e )etween w!t you

'i"e nd 'et

H# 2u< )(k &rom reltions!ips wit! people w!o re too sel&8(entered

or sel&is! to tke your needs into ((ount# A"oid one8sided

reltions!ips# C!n'e or 'et out o& reltions!ips w!ere you &eel

trpped%

@9 2r(ti(e (on&rontin' people insted o& ((ommodtin' so mu(!#

Express your n'er ppropritely% s soon s you &eel it# Lern to &eel

more (om&ort)le w!en someone is upset% !urt% or n'ry t you#

J# Do not rtionli4e your tenden(y to plese ot!ers so mu(!# Stop

tellin' yoursel& t!t it doesn6t relly mtter#

1I# 3e"iew pst reltions!ips nd (lri&y your pttern o& (!oosin'

(ontrollin' or needy prtners# List t!e dn'er si'nls &or you to

"oid# K possi)le% "oid sel&is!% irresponsi)le% or depen dent prtners

w!o 'enerte "ery !i'! (!emistry &or you#

11# W!en you &ind prtner w!o (res )out your needs% sks your



1JH 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

1B# Mke &ls!(rds# <se t!em to keep you on tr(k#

T=E3A2*STF Lei5s !o an imager$ e?ercise a(out this. lose $our e$es an! (ring

(ac& hat happene! the other night, hen %ermis oul!n5t listen. an $ou

!o thaiH

MA3; ELLENF Yes. I5m (ac& there, tr$ing to get %ermis to listen to me.

T=E3A2*STF O&a$. 6o lei an image come of hen $ou felt that a$ (efore, as a

chil!.

MA3; ELLENF 0ell pause). I get an image of m$ father. I5m tr$ing to teU 2m

that all the girls are sta$ing out late the night of the prom, (ut he on5t listen

to me. 4e 1ust &eeps $elling at me, teBing me thai no !aughter of his is going

to sta$ out until all hours. I am so frustrate! I coul! screatn.

*m'ery exer(ises su(! s t!ese re (p)le o& stirriii' up 'ret del o& emotion#

W!t !ppens mi'!t surprise you# Try to ((ept your &eelin's% nd to lem w!t

t!ey !"e to te(! you# ;ou mi'!t &ind t!t you experien(e intense n'er t t!e

ones w!o su)u'ted you# Try to tolerte t!is experien(e o& n'er# ;our n'er is

prt o& your health$ side# *t is ser"in' use&ul purpose% tellin' you t!t you need to

(!n'e t!e wy you relte to ot!er people# ;our n'er (n !elp you to 'et in tou(!

wit! t!e prt o& yoursel& t!t wnts somet!in' di&&erent.t!t wnts to (!n'e nd

'row# One power&ul wy to 'et in tou(! wit! t!is sense o& yoursel& is t!rou'! your

n'er# ;our n'er my )e your only (lue t!t t!ere is somet!in' else t!t you wnt

T!rou'! im'ery% you (n tr(e t!e !istory o& your Su)u'tion li&etrp#

9ollow t!e pt! o& its de"elopment t!rou'! your (!ild!ood# Note !ow your

experien(es rein&or(ed your li&etrp nd mde it some!ow ine"it)le t!t you

would dopt su)u'ted style o& reltin'# Continue until you s!i&t to more

relisti( perspe(ti"e o& your erly &mily li&e y t!e end% we !ope you will

experien(e sdness or n'er )out w!t !ppened to you in your (!ild!ood% )ut

stop "iewin' t!ese erly experien(es s proo& o& your need to su)u'te yoursel&#

+. List Ever$!a$ Situations at 4ome an! at 0or& in 0hich You Su(1ugate or

Sacrifice Your On 6ee!s to Others. e'in to wt(! yoursel&# e(ome n o)ser"er

o& yoursel&% stndin' outside o& yoursel& nd mintinin' det(!ed "iew# O)ser"e

. Un!erstan! Your hil!hoo! Su(1ugation. @eel the Su(1ugate! hil! Insi!e of

You. ;our Su)u'tion li&etrp !s 'ret emotionl stren't!# *n prt t!is is )e(use

t!e emotions o& (!ild!ood re stron'# C!ildren re less )le t!n dults to modulte

t!eir emotions wit! t!eir intelli'en(e% so (!ild!ood emotions !"e primiti"e &or(e

W!en your Su)u'tion li&etrp is (ti"ted% t!ese emotions re unles!ed% nd you

re &illed wit! ne'ti"e &eelin's.n'er% 'uilt% &er#

Ordinrily% you try to escape t!is kind o& intense (ti"tion o& your li&etrp#

;ou try to "oid experien(in' t!ese pin&ul &eelin's# ;ou deny nd suppress your

&eelin's# T!en% wit!out knowin' w!t you re doin'% you )lindly (t out your

su)u'tion# ;ou repetedly ply su)u'ted role in your reltions!ips# *n order to

(!n'e% you must )e willin' to (knowled'e nd tolerte some pin&ul &eelin's#

T!e )est wy to &eel t!e su)u'ted (!ild inside o& you is t!rou'! im'er]6#

Strt wit! n instn(e o& su)u'tion in your (urrent li&e# Tke moment to (lose

your eyes% nd let n im'e (ome into your mind o& w!en you &elt t!e sme wy

)e&ore# Try to remem)er &r )(k into (!ild!ood# Do not force t!e im'e to (ome#Simply llow it to &lot to t!e top o& your mind# W!o were you wit! Ws it your

mot!er or &t!er Ws it your )rot!er% sister% or &riend

MA3; ELLENF $ as giving %ennis the silent treatment the other night,

an! he !i!n5t even notice. T=E3A2*STF

0ere $ou ma! at himH

MA3; ELLENF 2a!H I &ept tr$ing to tell 2m something, an! he oul!n5t listen.

4e &ept interrupting me an! tal&ing a(out !imsel&# So I !eci!e! not to tal& to

him at aS. 7n! he !i!n5t even notice.



T=E S<$<SATLON L*9ET3A2 1 J

e(! instn(e o& your su)u'tion# Mke list o& t!e situtions t!t tend to )e

di&&i(ult &or you% T!ey s!ould )e situtions t!t you wnt to mster#

=ere is n exmple o& list ( onstru(ted )y Mry Ellen#

STE2S TO +< N8S<$<ATE+

1#Tell t!e pper )oy to )rin' t!e pper to t!e door w!en i&s rinin'#

?#Tell slesperson * don6t wnt !elp#

#Don6t 'i"e my (!ildren ny more money t!n t!eir llown(es#

B#Ask Dennis to dri"e t!e (!ildren to s(!ool on mornin's o& my

(lss#

#Te< Dd !e (n6t (riti(i4e t!e kids nymore in my presen(e#

#Tke &ull dy &or mysel&# Do dun's V enoy% like s!oppin'%

redin' in t!e prk% seein' my &riends% et(#

H# Tell Dorot!y /&riend0 * m n'ry s!e is not pullin' !er s!re o&

t!e kids6 (rpool# \ Tell Dennis !ow * &eel w!en !e (riti(i4es me in &ront o&

ot!er people#

9 Tell Dennis it is not ((ept)le &or !im to (riti(i4e me w!en ) !"en6t done

nyt!in' wron' or in &ront o& ot!er people#

1I# W!en Dennis nd ) 'o s!oppin' &or t!e (ou(!% stte my pre&eren(es insted

o& ust 'i"in' in to !is#

J. Start @orming Your On Dreferences an! Opinions in 2an$ 7spects of Your

Life/ 2ovies, @oo!s, Leisure #ime, Do4tics, urrent ontroversial Issues, #ime

Usage, etc. Learn 7(out Yourself an! Your 6ee!s. T!is in"ol"es s!i&t in your

&o(us o& ttention# *nsted o& pourin' your mentl ener'y into &i'urin' out w!t t!e

ot!er person wnts nd &eels% strt pyin' ttention to w!t yew wnt nd &eel#

T!ink )out w!t yew pre&er#

T=E3A2*STF 0hat movie !i! $ou to see the other nighB CA3LTONF 2resumed

*nno(ent# T=E3A2*STF %i! $ou h&e itH

CA3LTONF Uh, I !on5t &no. It as o&a$. Erica li&e! it. I ha!n5t reall$

thought a(out it. T=E3A2*STF 0ell, tr$ to

thin& a(out it no. CA3LTONF 0ell, it as a Utile

far'fetche! T=E3A2*STF So much that $ou !i!n5t

li&e itH

CA3LTONF 6o. I E&e! it. It &ept me intereste!. It &ept me guessing ho the

mur!erer as.

Mke yoursel& t!e sour(e o& your opinions% not t!e people round you#89

K. 2a&e a List of 0hat You %o or Five to Others, an! 0hat #he$ %o cry

Five to You. 4o 2uc& of the #ime %o You Listen to OthersH 4o 2uc0

of the #ime %o #he$ Listen to YouH Look t t!e 'i"e8'et rtio in your,

reltions!ips# 2i(k t!e most importnt onesF your lo"er% spouse% (!ildrenb

)est &riend% prents% or )oss# Mke list &or e(! one wit! two

columns3v,+W!t * 'i"e t!e person+ nd +6W!t t!e person 'i"es me+ Mkin' t!ese6,F

lists (n !elp you see immeditely !ow t!e reltions!ip is o&&8)ln(e#

MA3;ELLENF I ma!e a list a(out %ennis an! me. She gives me the 4Mt )zT=E3A2*STrea!s

Ust)/ #hat5s interesting. #he list of hat $ ou give$

%ennis has thirt$'to itemsA"Listen to his pro(lems a(out or&,55.H

"8u$ his clothes," "oo& his foo!," "#a&e in his !r$'cleaning," "8a$

his gifts," "0ash his clothes," an! so on. 7n! the list of hat %ennisV

gives $ou has oneA"@inancial securit$." MA3; ELLENF

Right. I &no. 6o on!er I5m pisse! off.

Our e"entul 'ol is &or you to (!ie"e )ln(e in your reltions!ips# We 6do not wnt you to stop 'i"in'% )ut you need to stop 'i"in' so mu(!%

)eyond w!t you would wis! i& you were more in (ontrol And we wn)

you to strt 'ettin' t!e t!in's you 'i"e.)ein' (red &or% listenet=o%#

supported% nd respe(ted# +F



T=E S<$<SATLON L*9ET3A2 ? I I

T=E3A2*ST pla$ing %oroth$)/ I can5t (e2eve $ou5re (eing so pett$ as to (ring

this up;

MA3; ELLENF all me pett$ if $ou 4&e, %oroth$, (ut it is reall$ too har! for me to

!rive tice a ee&.

e dire(t# Do not mke spee(!# ;ou !"ea mu(! 'reter (!n(e o& )ein'heard i&

w!t you sy is s!ort nd to t!e point <se t!e word +*+ nd spek in terms o& your

own &eelin's# KmtErestingly, mny su)u'ted people "oid t!e word +*+ w!ene"er

t!ey tlk )out t!eir &eelin's# *nsted o& syin'% +V&elt n'ry w!en you (ut me o&&%+

t!ey sy su(! t!in's s "Deople &eel n'ry w!en t!ey are (ut o&& t!t wy#+0

Spekin' in terms o& your own &eelin's is n importnt (omponentof sserti"eness#

T!is is% in prt% pr(ti(l mtter# No one (n r'ue wit! your &eelin's# *& you sy% +*

ws ri'!t% you were wron'%+ person (n r'ue, )ut i& you sy% T &elt n'ry w!en

you did t!t%+ no one (n r'ue# No one (n sy% +No% you didn6t &eel n'ry8+

expressin' w!t you &eel% you mke sttement t!t !owyou &eel matters.

Tke t lest week to (ompletea !ierr(!y item# Do e(! item 'in nd

'in% until you !"e mstered t!t le"el o& di&&i(ulty# *i t!e item (n only )e done

on(e% su)stitute ot!er items t t!e sme le"elof di&&i(ulty &rom elsew!ere in your

li&e#

To !elp t!e exer(ises 'enerli4e into ll t!e res o& your li&e% )e'in to )e!"e

sserti"ely in more spontneous wy% s rele"nt situtions

rise# Try to re'rd e(! sitution t!t (lls &or sserti"e )e!"ior s (ue &or you to

pr(ti(e re&inin' your sserti"eness skills#

# Dractice 7s&ing Other Deople to #a&e are of You. 7s& for 4elp. %iscuss Your

Dro(lems. #r$ to 7chieve a 8alance 8eteen 0hat You Five an! Fet. Ask people to

'i"e you more# Tlk )out yoursel&# Mny su)u'ted ptients tell us t!t w!en t!ey

tlk )out t!emsel"es &or +too lon'%+ t!ey strt to 'et nxious% nd t!ey swit(! )(k

to t!e ot!er person# W!en you &eel nxious in t!is wy% understnd t!t it is o&a$ to

tlk )out yoursel&# *t is o&a$ to tlk )out your pro)lems nd sk &or !elp# ;ou will

&ind t!t it )rin's you (loser to people% And i& t!ere re people w!o simply do not

wnt to listen% t!en it is time to ree"lute t!eir importn(e in your li&e#

H# Dui 8ac& from Relationships ith Deople 0ho 7re #oo Self'entere! or Selfish

to #a&e Your 6ee!s Into 7ccount. 7voi! One'Si!e! Relationships. hange or Fet

Out of Relationships 0here You @eel #rappe!, W!en we &irst strted s t!erpists%

our tenden(y ws to try to preser"e e"ery reltions!ip in t!e ptient6s li&e# *& t!e

ptient ws mrried% our impulse ws to try to preser"e t!e mrri'e# *& t!e ptientws !"in' lo"e &&ir% our impulse ws to try to preser"e t!e &&ir# ut we no

lon'er &eel t!t reltions!ips s!ould )e preser"ed t ll (osts# Some reltions!ips re

simply too dm'in'% nd !"e too &ew prospe(ts &or (!n'e#

T!ere will )e some people in your li&e w!o will re&use to dust to your

ttempt to )ln(e t!e reltions!ip# *& you re mrried or i& t!ey re prt o& your

&mily% you (n 'i"e t!em e"ery opportunity to (!n'e# ut i&% in t!e &inl nlysis%

t!ey will not (!n'e% t!en you !"e to pull )(k &rom t!e reltions!ip# ;ou my

e"en !"e to end it%

Crlton6s mrri'e sur"i"ed# As !e )e(me more sserti"e% Eri( t &irst &ou'!t

it toot! nd nil# ut t some le"el s!e lso wel(omed it *n !er !ert s!e ws 'ld to

!"e !im )e(ome stron'er# And t some le"el it ws relie& &or !er to !"e limits set

on !er demndin'ness# S!e &elt more se(ure% more (ontined#

=owe"er% Mry Ellen6s mrri'e did not sur"i"e# Dennis (ould not ((ept !er

'rowt!# =e ws too in"ested in )ein' t!e one in (ontrol# E"entully Mry Ellen le&t

!im# S!e is workin' nd puttin' !ersel& t!rou'! s(!ool# S!e is strtin' to dte ot!er

men#

. Dractice onfronting Deople Instea! of 7ccommo!ating So 2uch. E?'

press Your 7nger 7ppropriatel$, as Soon as You @eel It. Learn to @eel 2ore

omforta(le 0hen Someone Is Upset, 4urt, or 7ngr$ at You. ;ou must lern toexpress your n'er ppropritely nd (onstru(ti"ely# *nsted o& (ontinuin' to let

your n'er (ontrol you% you must lern to use your n'er to impro"e t!e

reltions!ips in your li&e#

T!ere re 'uidelines &or you to &ollow# T!e )si( prin(iple isF0hatever the

other person !oes, &eep calml$ restating $our position. Do not let t!e ot!er person

tri(k you into )e(omin' de&ensi"e# Sti(k to your point# +a+



?I1 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

Sly (lm Do not yell nd s(rem# ;ou re mu(! more power&ul w!en you re

(lm t!n w!en you re s(remin'# S(remin' is si'n o& psy(!olo'i(l de&et# Try

not to tt(k t!e person# Simply stte w!t t!ey !"e!one t!t !s upset you#

*& you !"e )si(lly 'ood reltions!ip )ut wnt to sy somet!in' ne'ti"e or

(riti(l to person% strt )y syin' somet!in' positi"e# Try to instill n ttitude in

t!e person o& openness to w!t you re )out to sy# 2eople (n only listen w!en

t!ey re in re(epti"e stte# *& you mke people n'ry% t!ey will )e(ome de&ensi"e

nd s!ut you o&&# Strtin' on positi"e note en!n(es t!e re(epti"ity o& t!e listener#

9or exmple% Crlton )e'n one o& !is more di&&i(ult items /+Tell Eri( not to

reprimnd me in &ront o& ot!er people+0 wit! t!e sttement% +Eri(% * know you lo"e

me#+ Sy somet!in' t!t is positi"e nd true9 do not ust mke somet!in' up# Next%

dire(t your (riti(ism not t t!e person% )ut t t!e person6s (ehavior. Crlton did not

tell Eri(% +;ou re n insensiti"e person#+ 3t!er !e told !er t!t t!ere is somet!in'

s!e does t!t !e wis!es s!e would stopF +;ou (riti(i4e me t times in &ront o& ot!er

people+ *t is importnt to re7uest spe(i&i( )e!"ior ( !n'e# T!e person is more

likely to (omply w!en you !"e 'i"en (ler des(ription o& t!e spe(i&i( )e!"ior

(!n'e you would like to see# 9inlly% end on positi"e note Crlton (on(luded !is

re7uest )y syin'% 61 relly ppre(ite t!t you were )le to stnd !ere nd listen to

me#16

<se 'ood timin'# Do not (!oose time in w!i(! eit!er o& you is in !i'!ly

emotionl stte# Wit until t!e mtter (n )e dis(ussed in (lm tmosp!ere *n

ddition% )e sserti"e not only in your words% )ut in your )ody ln'u'e nd tone o&

"oi(e# Look t!e person dire(tly in t!e eyes# *& it will !elp you% pr(ti(e sserti"eness

exer(ises in &ront o& t!e mirror )e&ore you try t!em out in t!e world#

*. %o 6ot Rationalie Your #en!enc$ to Dlease Others So 2uch. Stop #elling

Yourself #hat It %oesn5t Rea2$ 2atter. *t is time &or you to express your pre&eren(es

in reltions!ips wit! ot!er people# Try to do t!is t e"ery opportunity# e'in wit!

seemin'ly tri"il mtters nd pro'ress to more importnt ones#

CA3LTONF #his ma$ soun! strange, (ut I realt$ (elieve that the moment I starte!

to change in therap$ teas one night hen Erica as&e! me hat I ante! for

!inner, stea& or ham(urger. I starte! to te ll her that I !i!n5t reall$ care, an! I

stoppe!, 7n! I pi(ked stea&.

Wei'! t!e positi"es nd ne'ti"es to de(ide w!i(! you pre&er# Mke (!oi(e nd

(ommuni(te t!t (!oi(e#

T. Revie Dast Relationships an! larif$ Your Dattern of hoosing on'trolling or 6ee!$ Dartners. List the %anger Signals for You to 7voi!. If

Dossi(le, 7voi! Selfish or Irresponsi(le Dartners 0ho Fenerate >er$ 4igh

hemistr$ for You. Mke list o& t!e most importnt reltions!ips in your

li&e# W!t re t!e (ommon ptterns W!t re t!e dn'er si'nls &or you

to "oid Are you drwn to domineerin' prtners Do you melt into t!e

li"es o& your prtners so t!t you !"e no seprte sense o& sel& Are you

drwn to people w!o )ully you wit! t!rets% or 'uilt8trip you Or re you

drwn to !elpless% dependent people w!o need you to tke (re o& t!em

T!e ptterns you identi&y re t!e ones &or you to "oid# We know t!is will )e

!rd &or you )e(use you tend to )e most ttr(ted to ex(tly t!ese types o& prtners#

T!e (!emistry is !i'!% )ut you (nnot sustin t!ese reltions!ips# T!e (ost to you is

too 'ret# *n t!e lon' run% you )e(ome n'ry nd un!ppy# *t is )etter to (!oose

reltions!ips in w!i(! you !"e e7ulity% e"en i& t!e (!emistry is sli'!tly lower#

11# 0hen You @in! a Dartner 0ho ares 7(out Your 6ee!s, 7s&s Your

Opinions an! >alues #hem, an! 0ho Is Strong Enough to %o =T Dercent of the

0or&, Five the Relationship a hance. *& you &ind yoursel& in 'ood reltions!ip

wit! prtner w!o )elie"es in e7ulity% 'i"e t!e reltions!ip (!n(e to work# Do

t!is e"en t!ou'! it &eels strn'e to you# Su)u'ted people &re7uently 'i"e up too

soon on 'ood reltions!ips% (limin' t!ey ust re not interested% t!e reltions!ipdoes not &eel ri'!t% somet!in' is missin'% or t!ere is not enou'! (!emistry# As lon'

s you &eel some (!emistry.e"en moderte mount.'i"e t!e reltions!ip

(!n(e# As you )e(ome more ((ustomed to your new role% t!e (!emistry mi'!t

in(rese#



T=E S<$<SATLON L*9ET3A2 ? I ?

1?# 8e 2ore 7ggressive at 0or&. #a&e re!it for 0hat You %o. %o 6ot Let

Other Deople #a&e 7!vantage of You. 7s& for 7n$ Dromotions or Raises You 2ight

8e Entitle! #o. %elegate Responsi(ilities to Other Deople. Apply ll your

sserti"eness te(!ni7ues t work# Corre(t situtions w!ere you su)u'te yoursel&#

Are you indire(t wit! your )oss nd t!en pssi"e



T=E S<$<GAT*ON <9ET3A2 ? I B

A S<M*SS*ON 9LAS=CA3D

W!t * wnt is importnt * deser"e to )e treted wit! respe(t * don6t !"e to let

Dennis tret me )dly# * deser"e )etter t!n t!t# ) (n stnd up &or mysel&# * (n

(lmly demnd t!t !e tret me wit! respe(t or t!e dis(ussion is o"er# *& !e (n6t

'row enou'! to 'i"e me my e 7ul ri'!ts in t!is reltions!ip% t!en * (n le"e t!e

reltions!ip nd &ind one t!t )etter suits my needs#

Crry t!e &ls!(rd wit! you# W!en your li&etrp is tri''ered% nd it is time &or you

to )e sserti"e% tke out t!e (rd nd red it 9ls!(rds re "lu)le in mkin' t!e

slow trnsition &rom intelle(tul understndin' to emotionl ((eptn(e#

SOME 9*NAL WO3DS

As you work to (!n'e% it is importnt to 'i"e some re(o'nition to e(! )it o&

pro'ress# Gi"e yoursel& (redit w!ere it is due# C!n'e is mu(! !rder w!en you

&or'et to rewrd yoursel& &or t!e steps lon' t!e wy# Try to keep lookin' )(k t

!ow &r you !"e (ome% rt!er t!n lookin' &orwrd to !ow &r you !"e to 'o#W!en you mke ny (!n'e% no mtter !ow sli'!t% tke moment to &eel 'ood

)out it# As you tke step out o& your su)u'tion% 'i"e yoursel& t!e

(knowled'ment you deser"e#

3emem)er t!t your Su)u'tion li&etrp !s t!e stren't! o& li&etime o&

memories nd o& multitude o& repetitions nd ODn&irmtions t!t it is ri'!t

Su)u'tion feels ri'!t to you# ;our li&etrp is (entrl to your entire sel&8im'e nd

"iew o& t!e world# Nturlly% it is 'oin' to &i'!t "ery !rd &or sur"i"l# ;ou &ind

(om&ort nd ressurn(e in !oldin' onto your li&e8trp% re'rdless o& its ne'ti"e

(onse7uen(es &or your li&e# ;ou s!ould not )e(ome dis(our'ed )e(use (!n'e is

slow#

*t is temptin' to )erte yoursel& &or your su)u'tion# Mry Ellen sys% +* m

su(! wimp# *t mkes me !te mysel&#+ ut t!is ttitude (n only !inder your

e&&orts to (!n'e# Try to respe(t t!e resons your li&etrp de"eloped in t!e &irst

pl(e# *n your (!ild!ood% it ws essentil &or your emotionl sur"i"l# ut w!t ws

on(e !elp to you is now !urtin' you% nd it is time to 'i"e it up# *t is time &or you

to )e'in t!e slow ourney out o& sel&8denil nd sel&8de&et% nd to re(lim your li&e

&or yoursel&#

15"I T'S NEVER QUITE GOOD ENOUGH"

THE UNRELENTING S TANDARDS LIFETRAP

2AMELAF 9O3T; ;EA3S OLD# S=E $S ST3ESSED ; T=E NEED TO E

2E39ECT * N OT= =E3 23*@ATE AND 23O9ESS*ONAL

L*@ES#



T=E S<$<GAT*ON <9ET3A2 ? I

2mel is t!e so8(lled superwomrL S!e does it lL S!e is do(tor nd is dire(tor

o& t!e nest!esiolo'y deprtment t n *"y Le'ue uni"ersity# S!e not only ex(els

in t!e pr(ti(e o& drrdiristerin' nest!esi% one o& t!e most di&&i(ult res in

medi(ine% )ut s!e lso !eds lr'e8s(le reser(! pro'rm# S!e !s won 'rnts

&rom &ederl nd pri"te or'ni4tions% pu)lis!es in top ournls% nd tr"els ll

o"er t!e world to present t pro&essionl meetin's# S!e erns o"er two !undred

t!ousnd dollrs yer#

At t!e sme time s!e is per&e(t wi&e nd mot!er# =er !us)nd% Cri'% is n

exe(uti"e in lr'e (orportion% nd pr(ti(lly e"ery week s!e eit!er ttends or

t!rows some )usiness8relted so(il &un(tion# T!rou'! it ll% s!e insists on )ein'

t!ere &or !er (!ildren% nd mkes sure to s(!edule tiine e(! dy to spend wit!

t!em# S!e lso s(!edules time e(! dy to exer(ise nd is n ex(ellent tennis

plyer# =er !ouse is imm(ulte% nd t!e 'rounds round it re 'rdened per&e(tly#

2mel tells me t!t s!e re'rets t!t s!e (nnot do ll o& t!e 'rdenin' !ersel&#

T=E3A2*STF So $ou5re a person in life ho tries to !o it all. 2AMELAF #hat5s

right, an! I guess I do !o it aU. #he onl$ pro(lem is that

I5m !oing so man$ !ifferent things that I5m a mess. It5s 'o% 'o% 'o aU

the time.T=E3A2*STF It soun!s h&e it5s too much for $ou.

2AMELAF I5ll sa$ it5s too much. I5m not en1o$ing hfe. You oul! thin&, ith aU I

have, I oul! en1o$ it a Utile. 8ut I !on 5I. In fact, I5ve (een feeling reall$

!epresse!. Overhelme! an! !epresse!. #hat5s h$ I5ve come to therap$. It5s

getting so that I !on5t ant to get out of (e!

T=E3A2*STF 4ave $ou actuall$ stoppe! !oing thingsH

2AMELAF Of course not. I s4U !o it all. I still get out of (e!. 6othing has

change!. 8ut ma$(e it5s that I 1ust turne! fort$. ant something more out of

hfe. I ant some time for mysel&#

K E*T=F 9O3T;8TWO ;EA3S OLD# =*S 3ELENTLESS <EST 9O3 S<CCESS

*S DEST3O@*N =*M 2=;S*CALL;#

Keit! is lso su((ess&ul t w!t !e does# =e is tele"ision news(ster &or mor

New ;ork sttion# =e is 'ood8lookin' nd exudes &int ir o& superiority# =e is

(re&ul to tell me in n o&&!nd wy )out ll !is (!ie"ements# =e is &mous%

knows &mous people% is power&ul t t!e sttion% is ri(!% nd dtes )euti&ul models

nd (tresses# ut t!rou'! it ll% Keit! is still disstis&ied# =e wnts more# =e is

!riven.

T=E3A2*ST, 0h$ have $ou come to therap$H

KE*T=F I5ll (e honest ith $ou. loon5t ant to (e here. #he onl$ reason I5ve come is

that m$ !octors tell me that m$ irrita(le (oel an! hea!aches are cause! ($

stress. I have to learn to rela?.

T=E3A2*STF So $ou ant to get ri! of the irrita(le (oel an! liea!aches, (ut

leave ever$thing else the sameH

KE*T=F Yeah. I5m not a(out to stop pushing to get ahea!

T=E <N3ELENT*NG STANDA3DS <EST*ONNA*3E

9ill out t!is 7uestionnire to mesure t!e stren't! o& your <nrelentin' Stndrds

li&etrp# <se t!e s(le on t!e &ollowin' p'e#

SCO3*NG K E;


?Mostly untrue o& me



Mostly true o& me




T=E S<$<GAT*ON <9ET3A2 ? I



S*&$E DES*$)PT)&0

1# ) (nnot ((ept se(ond )est# 1 !"e to )e t!e )est t most o&

w!t ) do#

?# Not!in' ) do is 7uite 'ood enou'!#

# ) stri"e to keep e"eryt!in' in per&e(t order#

B# 1 must look my )est t il times#

#1 !"e so mu(! to ((omplis! t!t* !"e no time to relx#

# My personl reltions!ips su&&er )e(use) pus! mysel& so

!rd#

H# My !elt! su&&ers )e(use ) put mysel& under so mu(!

pressure

# 1 deser"e stron' (riti(ism w!en * mke mistke#

J# * m "ery (ompetiti"e#

1I# Welt! nd sttus re "ery importnt to me

-&!$ T&TAL !0$ELE0T)0 STA0DA$DS S*&$E




?IH 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

* NTE323ET*NG ;O<3 < N3ELENT*NG STANDA3DS SCO3E


T!is li&etrp my only pply occasionall$. I8J Moderte# T!is li&etrp is n

issue in your li&e# BtWJ =i'!# T!is is de&initely n important li&etrp &or you# I8

I @ery !i'!# T!is is de&initely one o& your core li&etrps#

T=E E>2E3*ENCE O9 <N3ELENT*NG STANDA3DS

T!e primry &eelin' is pressure. ;ou (n ne"er relx nd enoy li&e# ;ou re lwys

pus!in'% pus!in'% pus!in'% to 'et !ed# ;ou &i'!t to )e t!e )est t w!te"er you do%

w!et!er it is s(!ool work% sports% !o))ies% dtin'% or sex# ;ou !"e to !"e t!e )est

!ouse% t!e )est (r% t!e )est o)% mke t!e most money% nd look t!e most !ndsome

or )euti&ul ;ou !"e to )e per&e(tly (reti"e nd per&e(tly or'ni4ed#

T!e nme o& t!e li&etrp is &rom t!e point o& "iew o& t!e outside o)ser"er# *t

ws we% not 2 mel nd Keit!% w!o &elt t!eir stndrds were unrelentin'# To 2mel

nd Keit!% it ws ust norml le"el o& tryin' to (!ie"e 2eople w!o !"e t!e

<nrelentin' Stndrds li&etrp re usully su((ess&ul t w!te"er t!ey do% )ut t!is

su((ess is &rom t!e point o& "iew o& ot!er people Other people t!ink t!t you !"e(!ie"ed lot% )ut you tke your (!ie"ements &or 'rnted# T!ey re only w!t you

!"e expe(ted o& yoursel&#

2!ysi(l stress symptoms% su(! s t!e irrit)le )owel nd !ed(!es

experien(ed )y Keit!% re (ommon% ;ou mi'!t !"e !i'! )lood pressure% ul(ers%

(olitis% insomni% &ti'ue% pni( tt(ks% !ert rr!yt!mis% o)esity% )(k pin% skin

pro)lems% rt!ritis% st!m% or ny num)er o& ot!er p!ysi(l pro)lems#

KE*T=F It is as though m$ (o!$ is telling me I can5t !o this, I can5t push this har!.

T=E3A2*STF Sometteng has to give.

9or you% li&e is only !oing. Li&e is !"in' to work or (!ie"e il t!e time# ;ou re

lwys strinin' t t!e ed'e o& your limits# T!ere is ne"er (!n(e to tke )rek%

to stop nd enoy t!in's# E"eryt!in'% in(ludin' (ti"ities t!t (ould )e enoy)le%

su(! s 'mes or swimmin'% )e(omes n ordeL 2mel nd Cri' dis(ussed t!is in

one o& our mritl sessions#

2AMELAF V can5t realt$ rela? hen I pla$ tennis. It5s li&e I5m atching m$ game an!

orr$ing a(out perfecting ever$ shot. 7n! I get reall$ pisse! off hen I can5t

get it right.

T=E3A2*STF So even $our pla$ is or&.C3A*GF It5s true. I reall$ !on5t 4&e pla$ing ith her for that reason. She ta&es the

game so seriousl$, an! gets so tense. Each game is a 4fe'an!'!eath matter.

7n! she gets upset hen she loses. She5s reall$ not a goo! sport.

<nrelentin' Stndrds (n (rete t!e &ull 'mut o& ne'ti"e emotions# ;ou &eel

(onstntly &rustrted nd irritted wit! yoursel& &or not meetin' your stndrds# ;ou

my &eel (!roni(lly n'ry% nd (ertinly you &eel !i'! le"els o& nxiety# ;ou o)sess

)out t!e nest t!in' you !"e to do ri'!t A mor &o(us o& your nxiety is time/ ;ou

!"e so mu(! to do nd so little time ;ou re lwys wre o& time nd &eel

(onstnt sense o& time pressure. And you (n &eel depressed t t!e 'rimness o& your

li&e rid t t!e+ emptiness o& w!t you !"e (!ie"ed#

;ou mi'!t sk h$ you (ontinue to pus! yoursel& t!is wy# As ex!usted s

you re insted o& slowin' down% you ((elerte% tkin' on more nd more

responsi)ility# *t is s t!ou'! you )elie"e t!t one o& t!e t!in's you do is &inlly

'oin' to )rin' you stis&(tion# ;ou do not reli4e t!t t!e wy you ppro(!

e"eryt!in' mkes 'enuine plesure impossi)le *ne"it)ly% w!te"er you try to

((omplis! tkes on t!t sme (st% t!t sme !e"y &eelin' o& pressure#

KE*T=F I &eep thin&ing that if I coul! get to here ant to (e, I coul! (e satisfie!.

T=E3A2*STF 8ut no matter hat $ou get, hether it5s a ne fo(. a ne girlfrien!,a ne car, or a ne trip, $ou ala$s appl$ those same relentless stan!ar!s. It5s

reall$ those stan!ar!s that have to change.

;ou )elie"e in t!e possi)ility o& su((ess.t!t i& you keep stri"in' you (n (tully

(!ie"e t!t wonder&ul stte o& per&e(tion# Alt!ou'! you pro))ly do not (onsider

yoursel& truly su((ess&ul% you &eel t!t you re impro"in'% 'ettin' (loser to your



T=E <=3ELENT*NG STAN=3DS L*9ET3A2 ?I

'ol# T!is sense o& pro'ress keeps you 'oin'# ;ou im'ine n end to t!e rod% w!enyou (n &inlly relx nd enoy li&e# ;ou &ntsi4e )out some &uture time w!en you

will )e relesed#

T=E3A2*STF 0hat is it that &eeps $ou going at this frantic paceH 0h$

!on5t $ou 1ust stopH 2AMELAF V thin& a(out that a ht m$self. I thin& it5s that I

ala$s see the

tight at the en! of the tunnel hen I can rela? an! have hat I ant.

I feet li&e I5m getting there.

ut t!t stte o& pe(e t!t you !ope to &ind t t!e e nd o& your stri"in' ne"er (omes#

E"en i& it did% you would ust &ind somet!in' else% some ot!er relentless stndrd to

meet# T!is is !ow your li&etrp rein&or(es itsel&# At your (ore% you re not

(om&ort)le unless you re stri"in'# *t my not mke you !ppy% )ut it is &milir# *t

is t!e de"il you know#

T!ere re t lest t!ree (ommon "rints o& t!e <nrelentin' Stndrds li&etrp#

;ou my )e mere t!n one type.you my )e ll t!ree% in &(t#

T=3EE T;2ES O9 < N3ELENT*NG STANDA3DS

1#Compulsi"ity

?#A(!ie"ement Orienttion#Sttus Orienttion

Q COM2*>S*@*T; Q

T!e 1o2-5$s(*e is t!e person w!o keeps e"eryt!in' in per&e(t order# ;ou re t!e type

w!o ttends to e"ery detil no mtter !ow sli'!t% w!o &ers mkin' ny mistke no

mtter !ow minor# ;ou &eel &rustrted nd upset w!en t!in's re not ust ri'!t#

KE*T=F 2$ !ate ith Sharon as a !isaster. 0hen tee got to the theater, e ere

off center ($ at least si? seats. I as so irritate!, I coul! (arel$ pa$ attention

to the pla$,

T=E3A2*STF #hat5s a shame. I &no ma&ing time to see this pla$ meant a lot to

$ou. #oo (a! $ou coul!n5t en1o$ it.

W!en Keit! 'oes somew!ere% no detil es(pes !im# T!e set !s to )e per&e(t% t!e

&ood !s to )e &lwless% nd t!e room temperture !s to )e ex(tly ri'!t O& (ourse%

somet!in' is wron' e"ery time% nd !e ust (nnot settle down nd enoy !imsel&#

Keit! 'ets n'ry t !is surroundin's &or disppointin' !im# ut not ll

(ompulsi"e people 'et n'ry t t!eir surroundin's# Some 'et n'ry t

t!emsel"es# *t my )e t!t you )lme yoursel& more t!n your surroundin's#

2mel is t!is wy# Like Keit!% s!e is t!e (ompulsi"e type% )ut most o& !er n'er is

dire(ted t !ersel&#

T=E3A2*STF 4o !i! $our !inner part$ goH

2AMELAF It ent o&a$, e?cept the rice teas a trifle overcoo&e!. I as reall$ ma! at

m$self a(out that rice.

W!en 2mel t!inks )out !er dinner prty% !er mind &stens on t!e one detil t!t

did not 'o 7uite ri'!t# S!e repro(!es !ersel& &or not 'ettin' t!is

detil ri'!t#

O)sessi"e se&8(ontrol is (ommon# *n &(t% t!e w!ole issue o& (ontrol is (entrl

to t!is type# W!en you &eel out o& (ontrol in# ot!er spe(ts o& your li&e /)e(use o&

@ulner)ility or Su)u'tion% &or exmple0% (ompulsi"ity (n )e wy to (ope so

you &eel in (ontrol#

Q AC=*E@EMENT O3*ENTAT*ON Q

T!is is t!e so8(lled work!oli( ;ou re t!e person w!o works sixteen !our dys%

se"en dys week# ;ou pl(e n ex(essi"e "lue on !i'! le"el o& (!ie"ement t

t!e expense o& your ot!er needs# ;ou !"e to )e t!e )est#2AMELAF 0hen I as in college I remem(er I once coul!n5t sleep aS night

(ecause I as orr$ing that I as going to get a "8" in m$ calculus course. I

as thin&ing I oul!n5t get to (e vale!ictorian ith that "8." I as 1ust so

ma! at m$self for (loing that course.



?IJ 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

*t is importnt to distin'uis! <nrelentin' Stndrds &rom t!e 9ilure li&etrp#9ilure is t!e sense t!t you !"e &iled relti"e to your peers% t!t you re )elow

"er'e# <nrelentin' Stndrds is t!e sense t!t you re t lest "er'e% )ut t!t

you re (onstntly stri"in' to meet "ery !i'!% per&e(tionisti( stndrds# T!e person

wit! t!e 9ilure li&etrp will ttempt tsk nd t!en t!ink%+* (n6t do nyt!in'

ri'!t% * messed it up#+ T!e person wit! <nrelentin' Stndrds will ttempt t!t tsk

nd t!ink% +* did oky% )ut * (ould do )etter#+

2AMELAF It5s not that I thin& I5m going to fail. I &no I5ll !o a goo! 1o(. 2$ fear is

not of failing, (ut of (eing merel$ medio(re% of not stan!ing out from the

cro!.

T!e <nrelentin' Stndrds li&etrp (n sometimes led to sense o& &ilure# *& your

imrelentin' stndrds re so !i'! t!t you (nnot ( ome (lose to meetin' t!em% t!en

you my )e'in to &eel in(ompetent% &ilure

*t my )e t!t you &ll so &r s!ort o& your 'ols t!t you &eel you !"e not (!ie"ed

nyt!in' t ll#

Mny work!oli(s exist in stte o& (!roni( irrit)ility or !ostility# T!is is t!e

Type8A personlity# Type8A6s 'et n'ry t nyone w!o outdoes t!em or w!o )lo(ks

t!eir m)itions# Or% i& t!e )lo(ks re internl% t!ey 'et n'ry t t!emsel"es# T!ey

re not pus!in' !rd enou'!% or doin' well enou'! t somet!in'# T!ey &eel

(onstnt sense o& internl irrittion#;ou my !"e a less se"ere &orm o& A(!ie"ement Orienttion# 2er!ps t!e

)ln(e )etween work nd ply is sli'!tly o&& in your li&e ;ou (nnot relly relx%

)ut t lest your li&e is not totlly (onsumed wit! work# And you my )e a

work!oli( )out t!in's ot!er t!n your o)# *t my )e de(ortin' your !ouse%

s!oppin' &or (lot!es or sles% or !o))ies nd sports# *t (ould )e nyt!in'.ny

&orm o& (ti"ity t!t you turn into work nd t!t ensl"es you#

Q STAT<S O3*ENTAT*ON Q

Status orientation is n ex(essi"e emp!sis on 'inin' re(o'nition% sttus% welt!%

)euty. &lse sel&# *t is o&ten &orm o& Countertt(k% to (ompenste &or (ore

&eelin's o& De&e(ti"eness or So(il Ex(lusion#

*& you !"e n ex(essi"e Sttus Orienttion% you ne"er &eel 'ood enou'!% no

mtter w!t you do# ;ou tend to )e sel&8puniti"e or to &eel ashame!, w!en you &il

to meet your !i'! expe(ttions# ;ou re (u'!t in n endless stru''le to mss

more nd more power% money% or presti'e% yet it is ne"er enou'! to mke you &eel

'ood )out yoursel&#

T=E3A2*STF It5s funn$, (ut even though $ou manage! to get invite! to such on

e?clusive part$, an! $ou (rought, as $ou sai!, "the most (eautiful oman

there," if still soun!s 4&e $ou ere unhapp$ the hole time.

KE*T=F V as upset a(out here tl?e$ sat us at !inner. It ma!e it o(inous that e

eren5t reaU$ part of the inner circle,

Keit! is ne"er satisfie!. *t is ne"er demonstrted to !is !ert6s (ontent t!t !e is

wort!w!ile# =e &eels dri"en to e"er !i'!er le"els o& su((ess# ut no mtter w!t !e

'ins% deep inside !e still &eels s!med o& w!o !e is#

T!e sttus8orienttion (n )e wy o& mkin' up &or &eelin's o& Emotionl

Depri"tion s well# ;ou my try to &ill your emotionl emptiness wit! power%

&me% su((ess% money.su)stitutin' sttus &or 'enuine emotionl (onne(tion# ;et

t!e sttus is ne"er enou'!# One ptient like t!is% Nn(y% mrried ri(!% unlo"in'

mn nd spent most o& !er time )uyin'

tilings.S!e !d t!e )est o& e"eryt!in'# S!e would sit lone in !er )i' !ouse%

surrounded )y ll !er t!in's% nd wonder w!t ws missin'# .

P

T!ere re &our (ommon ori'insF

T=E O3*G*NS O9 < N3ELENT*NG STANDA3DS

.9 ;our prents6 lo"e &or you ws con!itional on your meetin' !i'!

stndrds#

?#One or )ot! prents were mo!els o& !i'!% un)ln(ed stndrds#

#;our <nrelentin' Stndrds de"eloped s wy tocompensate &or

&eelin's o& de&e(ti"eness% so(il ex(lusion% depri"tion% or &ilure#



T=E <=3ELENT*NG STAN=3DS L*9ET3A2 ?1I

49 One or )ot! prents used shame or criticism w!en you &iled tomeet !i'! expe(ttions#

Growin' up in n tmosp!ere o& (onditionl lo"e is t!e &irst (ommon ori'in#

;our prents my !"e only 'i"en you &&e(tion% ppro"l% or ttention w!en you

were su((ess&ul or per&e(t# T!is is w!t8 !ppened to 2mel#

2AMELAF It mas as though I !i!n5t e?ist for them e?cept hen I on some [

aar! or got the highest gra!e. I remem(er hen the$ tol! me as vale!ictorian,

m$ first thought as rushing home to tell m$ parents, that the$ oul! (e happ$

ith me. 2ost of the time the$ 1ust !i!n5t seem to care.

Wit! (onditionl lo"e% your (!ild!ood is spent runnin' r(e to win your prents6

lo"e# T!e r(e is endless% wit! &ew points o& rein&or(ement lon' t!e wy# One time

we sked 2mel to 'i"e us n im'e o& !er (!ild!oodF

2AMELAF I5m running an! running toar! m$ house, (ut the house &eeps

rece!ing, an! the faster I run, the furtlier aa$ the house (ecomes.

Alterntely% you my !"e !d lo"in' prents w!o '"e you lavish lo"e nd

ppro"l w!en you met t!eir !i'! expe(ttions# T!e importnt t!in' is t!t meetin'

some stndrd o& s(!ool (!ie"ement% )euty% sttus% populrity% or sports )e(me

t!e most e&&e(ti"e wy &or you to win your prents6 lo"e% respe(t% or per!ps e"en

dultion# ;our prents my !"e pl(ed you on pedestl )e(use o& your su((ess#

;our prents my !"e )een mo!els o& unrelentin' stndrds# T!ey

t!emsel"es were per&e(tionisti(% orderiy% sttus oriented% or !i'! (!ie"in'#

;ou lerned t!eir ttitudes nd )e!"ior# O&ten t!is ori'in is strikin' )e(use no one

in t!e &mily knows t!t t!e stndrds re so !i'! T!ey &eel norml to e"ery)ody#

2AMELAF Until I starte! therap$, I never reall$ thought of m$ stan!ar!s as

unrealistic. I never use! to thin& of m$ parents as perfectionistic. I ala$s

thought of them as 1ust normal average people ith normal average

stan!ar!s.

It asn5t until I starte! loo&ing at it more closel$ tliat I reahe! m$

mother ha! to have the house perfect. #here as never a trace of mess. If I

al&e! in an! left a piece of paper on the ta(le, ithin five minutes m$

mother oul! (e as&ing me to put ii aa$ here ii (elongs.

7n! m$ father as completel$ perfectionistic a(out his or&. 4e one!

his on (usiness, an! hatever it as, even hanging up a sign, he ha! to !o

it himself an! !o it perfectl$. 4e as ala$s or&ing.

No one e"er sid to 2mel% +;ou must do "ery well#+ S!e lerned it purely t!rou'!

modelin'% )y o)ser"in' !er prents# *& you !"e prents w!o t!emsel"es !"e !i'!

stndrds% t!ey !"e% eit!er su)tly or dire(tly% (ommuni(ted t!ose !i'! stndrds

to you#

=i'! prentl expe(ttions re prti(ulrly (ommon in &&luent su)ur)s w!ere

mny pro&essionls li"e# T!e more pro&essionl t!e prent is% t!e more likely it is

t!t /!e (!ild is 'oin' to )e su)e(ted to t!ese pressures# T!e w!ole (ulture

supports !i'! expe(ttions o& (!ie"ement# =owe"er% we !"e lso !d mny

ptients wit! <nrelentin' Stndrds &rom workin'8(lss &milies# ;ou (n !"e

prents wit! <melentin' Stndrds w!o re me(!ni(s% (s!iers% pinters% or

musi(ins.t!ey (ome &rom ll run's o& t!e so(il ldder#

We !"e some ptients w!ose <nrelentin' Stndrds resulted &rom tryin' to

rise )o"e t!eir (!ild!ood en"ironments# ;ou my !"e &elt in&erior relti"e to your

peers% or &elt t!t your prents were in&erior% nd tried to ( ompenste t!rou'! !i'!

(!ie"ement or sttus# T!is ws true o& Keit!# Keit! 'rew up in workin'8(lss

nei'!)or!ood nd ws s!med o& it# =e went to s(!ool t!t ws mostly workin'8

(lss% )ut Keit! en"ied t!e ri(! students &rom t!e welt!y prt o& town#

K9$T=F V felt li&e here I came from asn5t goo! enough. I ante! to get to here

the rich &i!s ere. I an te! the things the$ ha! I !eci!e! earl$ on I as

going to get the things the rich &i!s ha!

Keit! plnned !is w!ole li&e round d"n(in' !is so(il (lss# =is <nrelentin'Stndrds were re(tion to s!me re'rdin' !is &mily6s So(il Ex(lusion#

<nrelentin' Stndrds (n lso tie in to ot!er li&etrps# 9or exmple% yon my

!"e t!e Emotionl Depri"tion li&etrp# As ( !ild% you &ound t!t prise &or your

((omplis!ments (ould mke up somehat &or too little lo"e% Su((ess (n )e



?11 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

strte'y &or mkin' (onne(tion to ot!ers# <n&ortuntely% it is usully ple

su)stitute &or rel nurturn(e nd understndin'%

A prent my !"e spurred you on# Keit!6s mot!er &elt t!t s!e )elon'ed in

!i'!er (lss nd !d mrried )enet! !er# S!e &ul&illed !er desire &or sttus

"i(riously t!rou'! Keit!# Conse7uently Keit! (ould ne"er relx# S!e ws lwys

in t!e )(k'round% =e on(e '"e us t!is im'e o& !is mot!erF

KE*T=F I5m in (e! tr$ing to !eep, an! hear her voice going on an! on. She5s

sa$ing, "You (etter get going, there are things $ou shoul! (e !oing. 4ave $ou

finishe! $our homeor&, !on5t $ou nee! to practice $our tennis, !on5t $ou

have frien!s to callH"

Alt!ou'! people wit! <nrelentin' Stndrds re usully remrk)ly su((ess&ul s

dults% t!eir (!ild!ood memories rrely &o(us on &eelin's o& su((ess# *n &(t% t!ey

re mu(! more likely to remem)er &eelin' de&e(ti"e% ex(luded% or lonely#

3e'rdless o& !ow !rd t!ey tried% t!ey rrely 'ot t!e respe(t% dmirtion% ttention%

or lo"e t!ey wnted#

2AMELAF V have so man$ memories of coming home from school ith a top gra!e

an! not even getting an$ attention for it. It ha! to (e something extrordinry

for me to get attention.

*n 2mel6s &mily% doin' "ery well ws treted s ust "er'e# 2rise ws rre#

W!en we sk t!ese ptients i& t!ey re per&e(tionisti(% t!ey sy +no#+ W!en we sk

i& t!eir prents were per&e(tionisti( t!ey sy +no+ s well# y t!eir stndrds% t!ey

re &r &rom per&e(tion#

2rents (n eit!er &il to 'i"e prise w!en (!ild does well or (tully

wit!drw lo"e w!en t!e (!ild &lls s!ort o& t!eir expe(ttions#

KE*T=F In m$ freshman $ear of college, I !i!n5t get as&e! to ple!ge the top

fraternit$. 2$ mother oul!n5t tal& to me for a ee&.

Anot!er ptient told us t!t !er mot!er would suddenly stop !u''in' nd kissin'

!er w!ene"er s!e 'ot less t!n n +A+ in s(!ool

;ou my !"e "i"id memories o& &ilures# We !d one ptient w!ose &t!er

used to mo(k !im w!en !e plyed sports wit! !is )rot!ers nd lost# T!e w!ole

emp!sis in t!e &mily ws on (ompetition% on !"in' to )e t!e )est# =e nd !is

)rot!ers would &i'!t to see w!o ws t!e tou'!est T!ou'! !e )e(me n ex(ellent

t!lete% ll !e remem)ers is disppointment nd pressure# T!ere (n )e memories o&

stri"in' "ery !rd% yet &ilin' to meet t!t impossi)ly !i'! stndrd#

*& your prents used s!me or (riti(ism w!en you &ell s!ort o& t!eir

expe(ttions% you imost (ertinly !"e De&e(ti"eness li&etrp s welL

< N3ELENT*NG STANDA3DS <9ET3A2S

.9 ;our !elt! is su&&erin' )e(use o& dily stresses% su(! s o"er8

work.not onl$ )e(use o& un"oid)le li&e e"ents#

?# T!e )ln(e )etween work nd plesure &eels lopsided# Li&e &eels

like (onstnt pressure nd work wit!out fun,

# ;our w!ole li&e seems to re"ol"e round su((ess% sttus% nd

mteril t!in's# ;ou seem to !"e lost tou(! wit! your )si( sel& nd

no lon'er know w!t relly mkes you !ppy#

49 Too mu(! o& your ener'y 'oes into keepin' your li&e in order# ;ou

spend too mu(! time keepin' lists% or'ni4in' your li&e% plnnin'%

(lenin'% nd repirin'% nd not enou'! time )ein' (reti"e or lettin'

'o%

# ;our reltions!ips wit! ot!er people re su&&erin' )e(use so

mu(! time 'oes into meetin' your own stndrds.workin'% )ein'

su((ess&ul% et(%

B9 ;ou mke ot!er people &eel inde7ute or ner"ous round you

)e(use t!ey worry )out not )ein' )le to meet your !i'!

expe(ttions o& t!em#

I9 ;ou rrely stop nd enoy su((esses# ;ou rrely s"or sense o&

((omplis!ment# 3t!er% you simply 'o on to t!e next tsk witin' &or

you#

# ;ou &eel o"erw!elmed )e(use you re tryin' to ((omplis! so



?1 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

W!en you do spend time wit! t!e people you lo"e% you re pt to do so in t!tsme pressured% relentless wy# 2mel s(!edules time e(! dy to spend wit! !er

(!ildren% )ut s!e does not enoy it nd neit!er do !er (!ildren#

C3A*GF Damela is ala$s on the &i!s5 (ac&s a(out something. I thin& she puts too

much pressure on them. Loo& at our !aughter. :ale. She lias hea!aches an!

stomachaches. She5s onl$ in thir! gra!e, an! alrea!$ she5s orrie! a(out ho

she5s !oing.at school.

<nrelentin' Stndrds re pssed down t!rou'! 'enertions in t!is wy# ;our

prents 'i"e t!em to you% nd you 'i"e t!em to your (!ildren# E"en your time wit!

your (!ildren6s spent pus!in'# ;ou do not stop to ppre(ite t!em# T!is depri"es you

o& plesure nd (ontri)utes to t!eir un!p8piness#

*t is not unusul &or someone wit! t!is li&etrp to tke on lr'e proe(t% t!en

)e(ome prly4ed nd un)le to 'et strted# T!e pro(rstm8tor is o&ten someone

wit! <nrelentin' Stndrds# T!e le"el t w!i(! you expe(t to per&orm is so !i'! t!t

it is o"erw!elmin'# T!e more in"ested you re in proe(t% t!e more likely it is t!t

you will pur it o&&# At some point you my e"en (ollpse nd stop &un(tionin'# ;ou

ust (nnot stnd t!e t!ou'!t o& !"in' to meet t!ose expe(ttions 'in#

e(use o& your <nrelentin' Stndrds% you rrely &eelcontent. T!e do''ed pursuit

o& your stndrds destroys your (!n(es &or positi"e &eelin's like lo"e% pe(e%!ppiness% pride% or relxtion# *nsted you &eel irrittion% &rustrtion%

disppointment% nd% o& (ourse% pressure# *t is time &or you to wke up to w!t your

stndrds re (ostin' you *s it relly wort! it

=ere re t!e steps to (!n'in' your li&etrpF

C=ANG*NG < N3ELENT*NG STANDA3DS

1# List t!e res in w!i(! your stndrds my )e un)ln(ed or

unrelentin'#

?# List t!e a!vantages o& tryin' to meet t!ese stndrds on dily

)sis#

#List t!e !isa!vantages o& pus!in' so !rd in t!ese res#

B#Try to (onure n im'e o& w!t your li&e would )e like ithout

t!ese pressures#

#<nderstnd t!e ori'ins o& your li&etrp%

#Consider w!t t!e e&&e(ts would )e i& you lowered your stndrds

)out ? per(ent

H#Try to -uantif$ t!e time you de"ote to mintinin' your stndrds#

#Try to determine w!t reson)le stndrds re )y 'ettin'

(onsensus or o)e(ti"e opinion &rom people w!o seem more )ln(ed#J# Grdully try to (!n'e your s(!edule or lter your )e!"ior in

order to 'et your !eeper needs met

AD@ANTAGES O9 M ; < N3ELENT*NG STANDA3DS

1#1 (n )uy w!t * wnt# ?#1&eel spe(il#

# 2eople re elous o& me nd wnt w!t * !"e# B%1 (n

!"e lmost ny womn * wnt# #1 mo"e in desir)le

so(il (ir(les#

1# List the 7reas in 0hich Your Stan!ar!s 2a$ 8e Un(alance! or

Unrelenting. Dependin' on w!et!er you re Compulsi"e% A(!ie"ement Oriented%

or Sttus Oriented% your list mi'!t in(lude keepin' t!in's in order% (lenliness%

work% money% (reture (om&orts% )euty% t!leti( per&ormn(e% populrity% sttus% or

&me# *t (ould )e ny re o& your li&e w!ere you &eel sense o& (onstnt pressure#

?# List the 7!vantages of #r$ing to 2eet #hese Stan!ar!s on a %au$

8asis. T!e d"nt'es will lmost (ertinly !"e to do wit! your le"el o& su((ess#

T!ey re t!e )ene&its t!t ((rue &romhaving order% (!ie"ement% sttus# T!ese

)ene&its (n )e impressi"e# Our (ulture pro"ides 'ret del o& rein&or(ement &or

people wit! <nrelentin' Stndrds# =ere is Keit!6s listF



T=E <=3ELENT*NG STAN=3DS L*9ET3A2 ?1B

On t!e sur&(e% Keit! seems to !"e lot =owe"er% w!t !e !s does not mke !im!ppy# =e does not enoy ny o& it =e is perpetully dis(ontent Keit! is lwys

lookin' towrd t!e next pur(!se% t!e next womn% t!e next step up t!e sod- ldder#

Not!in' !e !s stis&ies !im# =ere is 2mel6s list o& d"nt'es#

AD@ANTAGES O9 M; < N3ELENT*NG STANDA3DS

.9 * mke lot o& money#

?#1 m lmost t t!e top o& my &ield#

#* !"e won wrds nd pri4es#

B#My !ouse looks lmost per&e(t most o& t!e time

#My !ouse runs in n orderly wy#

#My per&ormn(e le"el s n nest!esiolo'ist is !i'!

On(e 'in% t!e d"nt'es re power&ul# 2mel !s (!ie"ed 'ret del nd

deser"es to )e proud# ut still% t!e &(t remins t!t s!e is not !ppy# *nsted% s!e

&eels (onstnt pressure to keep per&ormin'#

T!is is pro))ly true o& you s well# ;ou my seem to )ene&it 'ret del &rom

your !i'! stndrds% )ut in trut! you re un!ppy# W!t 'ood is !"in' spotlessnd per&e(t !ouse w!en you re runnin' yoursel& r''ed to keep it t!t wy nd

resentin' e"eryone w!o 'ets in your wy W!t 'ood is top8le"el o) w!en it

le"es no time in your li&e &or plesure nd lo"e W!t 'ood re your (reture

(om&orts w!en you re too ex!usted to enoy t!em

J. List the %isa!vantages of Dushing So 4ar! in #hese 7reas. T!e disd"nt'es re

ll t!e ne'ti"e (onse7uen(es% ll t!e t!in's you s(ri&i(e lon' t!e wy# T!ey my

in(lude your !elt!% !ppiness% desire to relx% nd mood# As you mke your list%

(onsider t!e 7ulity o& your emotionl li&e.!ow your <nrelentin' Stndrds &&e(t

your reltions!ips wit! &mily% lo"ed ones% nd &riends#

T!is is 2mel6s list o& disd"nt'esF

D*SAD@ANTAGES O9 M; < N3ELENT*NG STANDA3DS

.91 m p!ysi(lly ex!usted#

?#1 don6t !"e ny &un#

#My mrri'e is su&&erin'#

B# * put too mu(! pressure on my (!ildren# * don6t enoy )ein' wit!

my (!ildren# T!ey seem &rid o& me#

# *6"e let lot o& (lose &riends!ips 'o#

#1 don6t !"e ny time &or mysel&#

Keit!6s list o& disd"nt'es !d two items#

D*SAD@ANTAGES O9 M @ < N3ELENT*NG STANDA3DS

1#My !elt! is su&&erin'#

?#*6m not !ppy#

Now you !"e to wei'! t!e d"nt'es nd disd"nt'es% nd de(ide w!t mkes

t!e most sense# Do t!e d"nt'es mke it ll wort!w!ile Or do t!e disd"nt'es

(lerly outwei'! t!e d"nt'es

K. #r$toon1ure an Image of 0hat Your Life 0oul! 8e ithout #hese Dressures.

Sometime w!en you re under pressure% w!en you &eel t!t &milir dri"e% stop nd

im'ine w!t it (ould men to your% li&e to let some o& t!t pressure 'o# Sit )(k nd

(lose your eyes% nd let n im'e (ome# W!t else mi'!t you )e doin' t!t is relly

more importnt in li&e W!en Keit! did t!is exer(ise% !e reli4ed t!t )ein' seen

wit! t!e per&e(t womn /S!eil0 ws not s 'rti&yin' s t!e &un !e (ould !"e )een

!"in' wit! et!F



?1 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

KE*T=F V as at a !inner part$ ith Sheila the other night, an! I &ept thin&ing of

8eth &netv it ma!e more sense to (e there ith Sheila, she5s (etter (a&ing

than 8eth, she5s richer. It5s (etter to (e seen ith Sheila. 8ut I &ept ishing I

as there ith 8eth an$a$. It oul! have (een more fun.

T!is exer(ise (n !elp you understnd t!t t!e disd"nt'es o& your li&e re dire(tly

linked to your <nrelentin' Stndrds# *& you lowered your stndrds% you ( ould

eliminte mny o& t!ese disd"nt'es#

# Un!erstan! the Origins of Your Lifetrap. =ow did your <nrelentin' Stndrds

ori'inte Did you !"e prent w!o '"e you (onditionl lo"e Were your prents

models o& <rrrelentin' Stndrds As we !"e noted% t!is li&etrp mi'!t well )e tied

to ot!ers in your (!ild!ood# ;our <nrelentin' Stndrds mi'!t )e prt o& not!er

li&etrp w!i(! is (loser to t!e (ore% su(! s De&e(ti"eness% So(il Ex(lusion% or

Emotionl Depri"tion#

# onsi!er 0hat the Effects 0oul! 8e If You Loere! Your Stan!ar!s a(out +=

Dercent. 9irst% we !"e to tt(k t!e ll8or8not!in' t!inkin' t!t 'oes lon' wit!

<nrelentin' Stndrds# ;ou )elie"e t!t somet!in' is eit!er per&e(t or &ilure# ;ou

(nnot im'ine ust doin' somet!in' welL On s(le &rom I to 1II% i& your

per&ormn(e is not 1II% or my)e J or JJ% t!en it mi'!t s well )e I% t!e wy it&eels to you# ;ou !"e to lern t!t it is possi)le to do somet!in' I per(ent or HI

per(ent nd still do "ery 'ood o)# ;ou (n still tke pride in your work# etween

per&e(tion nd &ilure t!ere is w!ole 'ry re#

2AMELA V as ma&ing lasagnafor a !innerpart$ the other night. raig5s parents

ere coming over. 0ell, I use! a store'(ought sauce. It as reall$ har! for me

to !o that. I &ept feeling guilt$ aU night, 4&e henever someone complimente!

me on the lasagna, I felt guilt$, li&e !i!n5t reaS$ !eserve it.

I reaS$ or&e! ith m$self a(out it. I &epi telling m$self that the !inner

part$ as (eautiful, that it !i!n5t matter in the hole picture that I ha! use! a

store'(ought sauce.

*& you (ould settle &or t!is lower le"el insted o& insistin' on per&e(tion% you would

still 'et lot o& t!e sme rewrds in terms o& (reer d"n(ement% &inn(il su((ess%

prise% or sttus wit!out !"in' to py su(! !e"y pri(e ;ou would !"e to mke

some s(ri&i(e in terms o& t!ese rewrds% )ut t!e s(ri&i(e would )e 'retly

outwei'!ed )y t!e d"nt'es o& less stress% !elt!ier )ody% more time to relx%

!ppier mood% nd )etter reltions!ips#

. #r$ to uantif$ the #ime You. %evote to 2aintaining Your Stan!ar!s,

One te(!ni7ue you (n use is time mn'ement# Mke time (!rt% inw!i(! you llot time &or e(! proe(t mt you !"e to do durin' t!e dy#

;ou re not llowed to spend ny more time t!n is llotted &or t!e proe(t

nd must tolerte w!te"er le"el o& su((ess you !"e (!ie"ed w!en t!e

time period is o"er#

2mel used t!is te(!ni7ue to write ournl rti(le S!e llotted six+ !ours to

write t!e pper#

2AMELAF 7n! at the en! of the si? tiours, that as it. #he paper ha! to sta$ as it

teas, ith no more perfecting of it. It as har! for me. #here as so much I

still ante! to !o. 8ut hat stoppe! me as remem(ering m$ chil!ren. It as

more important that I spen! time ith them.

W!en you re de(idin' !ow mu(! time to llo(te &or e(! proe(t% )e sure to

(onsider !ow important t!e 'ol is to your o"erll !ppiness, t!en% llo(te t!e most

time to t!e res o& your li&e t!t re most importnt 2eople wit! <nrelentin'

Stndrds o&ten lose t!eir sense o& perspe(ti"e, ll tsks )e(me e7ully importnt#

;ou my de"ote s mu(! time to mkin' plne reser"tion s you do to writin' n

importnt report# ;ou my pportion your time )sed+ on !ow lon' it tkes you to

&inis! tsk per&e(tly% re'rdless o& !ow mu(! imp(t t!e tsk !s on your 7ulity

o& li&e#

2mel !d estimted it would tke twenty !ours to do !er pper per&e(tly# ut

!er &mily is more importnt to !er t!n !er pper% so s!e de(ided to llot more time

to !er &mily nd less to t!e pper#

T!rou'! t!is pro(ess% we !ope you will lern t!t per&e(tion is not wort! an$

pri(e ;ou (n stop (efore t!e point o& per&e(tion% nd your li&e (n 'o on mu(! s

)e&ore% only )etter# Allot reson)le mount o& time to (omplete e(! tsk, t!en



T=E <=3ELENT*NG STAN=3DS L*9ET3A2 ?1

((ept w!te"er le"el o& (!ie"ement you !"e ttined t t!e end o& t!t time period# Ot!erwise% t!e time you tke to do t!in's (onstntly expnds% nd your li&e

spins rpidly out o& (ontrol#

. #r$ to %etermine 0hat Reasona(le Stan!ar!s 7re ($ Fetting a onsen'

sus or O(1ective Opinion from Deople 0ho Seem 2ore 8alance!. T!is is one

&un(tion we ser"e &or our ptients wit! <nrelentin' Stndrds# We (n

o&&er more o)e(ti"e opinion )out reson)le stndrds% or !elp t!e

ptient t!ink t!rou'! !ow to 'et more o)e(ti"e opinions% it is importnt

t!t you do t!is s well% )e(use un)ln(ed stndrds do not feel un8

)ln(ed to you ;ou (nnot trust yoursel& in t!is mtter# Ask ot!er people

w!t t!ey &eel is reson)le# *& t!ere re people in your li&e w!o seem to led

)ln(ed li"es% w!o seem to !"e !i'! stndrds )ut still mn'e to enoy !&e% sk

t!em !ow mu(! time t!ey spend workin'% relxin'% wit! &mily% wit! &riends%

exer(isin'% "(tionin'% nd sleepin'# Try to mp out t!e stru(ture o& more

)ln(ed li&e

*. Fra!uall$ #r$ to hange Your Sche!ule or 7lter Your 8ehavior in Or!er to Fet

Your %eeper 6ee!s 2et. Grdully (!n'e your li&e until it mt(!es t!is more

)ln(ed stru(ture# T!is is w!t 2mel nd Keit! )ot! tried to do# 2mel mde

ex(ellent use o& time mn'ement te(!ni7ues# S!e restri(ted t!e time s!e spentworkin' t t!e !ospitl nd turned o"er responsi)ility &or some o& !er reser(!

proe(ts to n ssistnt pro&essor in !er deprtment# S!e lerned !ow to!elegate.

S!e )e'n spendin' more time wit! !er !us)nd nd (!ildren# S!e strted !ikin'

nd spendin' more time outdoors.lt!ou'!% s you mi'!t im'ine% s!e !d to resist

)e(omin' per&e(tionisti( )out t!is#

2AMELAF Once I starte! to let go a Utt& in m$ career, I imme!iatel$ sa that m$

hfe as (etter. I 1ust (ecame a much happier person. Ever$one is happier. 7n!

that5s hat &eeps me going. #hat5s hat lielps me &eep letting go.

2mel (rries t!is &ls!(rd round to remind !erF +* (n lower my stndrds

wit!out !"in' to &eel like &ilure# * (n do t!in's modertely well% &eel 'ood )out

t!em% nd not !"e to keep tryin' to per&e(t t!em#+

9or Keit!% (!n'in' ment somet!in' di&&erent *t ment s!i&tin' !is

perspe(ti"e entirely )out w!t ws relly importnt to !im# Meetin' et! ws one

o& t!e primry (tlysts# Keit! surprised !imsel& nd (tully &ell in lo"e wit! et!#

KE*T=F Spen!ing time ith 8eth feels li&e the lifting of a might. I 1ust fin! m$self

anting to spen! a -uiet evening ith 8eth, 1ust coo&ing !inner or going to a

movie. #hat hole social scene, I 1ust !on5t care as much a(out it an$more.

ot! 2mel nd Keit! illustrte t!e trde8o&&# Let 'o o& your need &or per&e(t order%

(!ie"ement% or sttus in ex(!n'e &or !i'!er 7ulity o& li&e nd more &ul&illin'

emotionl reltions!ips wit! t!e people you lo"e#

16

"I C AN H AVE WHATEVER I W ANT"

THE ENTITLEMENT LIFETRAP



?1H 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

MELF 9O3T;8T=3EE ;EA3S OLD# =*S W*9E *S T=3EATEN*NG TO LEA@E

K * M #

e&ore we !d e"en met Mel% we &ound oursel"es 'rowin' irritted wit! !im# *n

our &irst p!one (ont(t% !e sked i& we !d n openin' on T!ursdy e"enin's# We

told !im t!t we only worked Mondy nd Wednesdy e"enin's# +So t!ere6s no

(!n(e * (n (ome in on T!ursdy+ !e sked# We told !im 'in t!t we did not

work on T!ursdy e"enin's# We mde n ppointment &or t!e &ollowin' Mondy%

Twi(e more )e&ore we met t!t Mondy% !e (lled# +*sn6t t!ere ny wy * (ould

(ome in on a T!ursdy+ !e wnted to know# +*t would relly )e mu(! )etter &or

me+

Mel ws twenty minutes lte &or our &irst ppointment# W!en !e wlked into

our o&&i(e% t!e &irst t!in' !e did ws (omment on !ow in(on"enient it ws &or !im

to (ome on a Mondy# +* !"e to (ome ll t!e wy (ross town%+ !e sid% =e st

down on t!e (ou(! nd noted t!t it ws un(om&ort)le# +Cn * mo"e it )it+ !e

sked#

We sked !im w!y !e !d (ome to t!erpy#

MELF It5s m$ ife :atie. She5s threatening to leave me unless go into

therap$. I !on5t ant her to go. T=E3A2*STF 0h$ is

she threatening to leaveH MELF She foun! out I as5 having

an affair again.

T=E3A2*STF So it5s liappene! (eGoreH

MELF Yeah. It5s the secon! titne she5s foun! out.

T=E3A2*STF Is it $our secon! affairH

MELF 6ah laughs). It5s a little -uir& of mine. I 1ust can5t (e satisfie! ivit& one

oman.

As time went on% we &ound t!t t!ere were ot!er resons Ktie ws t!retenin' to

le"e Mel# Ktie tlked )out it in one o& our mritl sessions#

KAT*EF I 1ust can5t ta&e it an$more. 4e 1ust ala$s has to have ever$thing i!s a$,

an! I5m sic& of it. 4e5s h&e a spoile! chil!. Ever$5thing lias to (e his a$.

Mel seemed )&&led )y Kties )e!"ior# +S!e mkes su(! )i' del )out

e"eryt!in'-+ !e (omplined#

N*NAF T=*3T; ;EA3S OLD# S=E CANNOT =OLD DOWN A $O#

Nin lso ws lte &or our &irst ppointment# +*6m sorry%+ s!e sid% +lteness is

pro)lem &or me#+

T=E3A2*STF 0elt, h$ !on5t e start illi$ou telling me h$ $ou5ve come to

therap$.

N*NAF 0ell m$ hus(an! Ra$mon! ants me to get a 1o(. 0e5re having

mone$ pro(lems. T=E3A2*STF %o $ou

ant to get a 1o(H

N*NAF 6o. Reall$, I thin& it5s ver$ unfair after all these $ears for him to start

ma&ing me or&. It reall$ (others me. T=E3A2*STF 8ut it soun!s li&e $ou5re

loo&ing for a 1o( nevertfieless. N*NAF Yeah. I5ve (een loo&ing. I mean, I have no

choice. 0e 5re reall$ having

mone$ pro(lems. #he pro(lem is I5m having trou(le fin!ing a 1o(. 7n!

to teU the truth, hen !i! or&, I reall$ ha! trou(le hol!ing on to a

1o(.

T=E3A2*STF 0hat as the pro(lemH

N*NAF I guess it5s that fin! or&ing (oring. I reall$ can5t (e (olltere!fo !oever$thing the$ ant.

Nin strikes us s (!ildis!# *t see ms !er true purpose in (omin' is to 'et us to lly

wit! !er 'inst !er !us)nd nd (on"in(e !im s!e s!ould not !"e to work#

T=E3A2*STF %o $ou thin& $our hus(an! might (e illing to come to therap$ ith

$ouH



T=E <=3ELENT*NG STAN=3DS L*9ET3A2 ?1

0)0A2 Yeah. #hat oul! (e great. I ish $ou oul! tal& to him an! get him

to see reason. I5m reall$ not cut out for or&. T=E3A2*STF 0ei, if $ou ant

him to &no that, $ou5S have to teU him

$ourself.

W!en i& )e(omes pprent we will not inter"ene in t!e wy t!t s!e wnts% Nin

)e(omes petulnt# +W!y re you doin' t!is to me+ s!e sks# 8

T=E ENT*TLEMENT <EST*ONNA*3E

<se t!is 7uestionnire to mesure t!e stren't! o& your Entitlement li&etrp# Answer

t!e items )sed on t!e &ollowin' s(leF

SCO3*NG K E;





Mostly true o& me


*& you !"e ny s or 6s on t!is 7uestionnire% t!is li&etrp my still pply to

you% e"en i& your s(ore is in t!e low rn'e

SCO3E DESC3*2T*ON

1# * !"e trou)le ((eptin' +no+ &or n nswer#

?# * 'et n'ry w!en * (nnot 'et w!t ) wnt

# ) m spe(il nd s!ould not !"e to ((ept norml (onstrints#

B# ) put my needs &irst

# * !"e lot o& di&&i(ulty 'ettin' mysel& to stop drinkin'%

smokin'% o"eretin'% or ot!er pro)lem )e!"iors#

# * (nnot dis(ipline mysel& to (omplete )orin' or routine tsks%





T=E E>2E3*ENCE O9 ENT*TLEMENT

T!ere re t!ree types o& Entitlement% e(! wit! its own (!r(teristi( experien(e#

T!e types o"erlp.you (n )e more t!n one

T=3EE T;2ES O9 E NT*TLEMENT

1%Spoiled Entitlement

?%Dependent Entitlement

H# * (t on impulses nd emotions t!t 'et me into

trou)le lter## *& * (nnot re(! 'ol * )e(ome

esily &rustrted nd 'i"e up#J# * insist t!t people do

t!in's my wy#1I# * !"e trou)le 'i"in' up

immedite 'rti&i(tion to re(! lon'8rn'e'o&#;O<3 TOTAL ENT*TLEMENT SCO3E


*nterpretin' ;our Entitlement

S(ore



T=E <=3ELENT*NG STAN=3DS L*9ET3A2 ??I

;ou !"e trou)le tolertin' &rustrtion enou'! to (omplete lon'8term #6@ tsks%espe(illy )orin' or routine ones# ;ou !"e 'enerl l(k o& or'ni8ltion nd

stru(ture ;ou re undis(iplined#

fi N*NAF 0elt, I !i!n5t get the travel agenc$ 1o(. jT=E3A2*STF Oh. So $ou finall$

ent !on there. 0hat happene!H 6[P6 N*NAF 7ctuall$ I coul!n 5Iget through the

application. #he$ ante! me to fill out all these long forms I !i!n5t un!erstan!, an!

to !o all this paperor&. I coul!n5t fin! an$one ho oul! reall$ &elp me go

through it step ($ step. I thought that if this as hat the application process as

h&e, I !efinitel$ oul!n5t li&e the 1o(. It5s 1ust not the &in! of place I ant to 9 .

or& in.

Like Nin% you my !"e tenden(y to pro(rstinte# W!en you &inlly do t!e tsk%

you do it !l&8!ertedly or pssr"e''ressi"ely# ;ou ust (nnot sp£'et yoursel& to

&o(us nd perse"ere# E"en w!en youant to sti(k to 2 $ somet!in' it is !rd &or

you# ;ou !"e pro)lem wit! s!ort8term "ersus49 lon'8term 'rti&i(tion#

,#r ;our di&&i(ulty postponin' s!ort8term 'rti&i(tion my lso tke t!e it' &orm o&

ddi(tions su(! s o"eretin'% smokin'% drinkin'% dru's% or (orn8is6F pulsi"e sex

=owe"er% pro)lems wit! ddi(tions do not ne(essrily indi(te P t!t you !"e t!is

li&etrp# Addi(tions re only one o& se"erl indi(tors v 9or you to !"e t!e

Entitlement li&etrp% t!e ddi(tions must )e prt o& 1F more 'enerl pttern o&

pro)lems wit! sel&8(ontrol nd sel&8dis(ipline#

;ou my !"e trou)le (ontrollin' your emotions% prti(ulrly n'er# Alt!ou'!

you my !"e some depression% n'er is your predominnt emotion# ;ou re not

)le to express your n'er in mture wy# 3t!er% you re like n enr'ed (!ild#

;ou 'et imptient% irrit)le% n'ry#

KAT*EF #he a$ he $ells, it5s so em(arrassing. 4e !oesn5t care here e are or

ho5s listening. 7ll of a sa!!en he5ll start screaming. 0e can (e in pu(lic, at a

frien!5s house, an$place.

MELF #hat5s right. 0hen I5m angr$, ant people to &no it.

KAT*EF 7n! I5ll teU $ou, it or&s. I give him hatever he ants 1ust to shut 2m up.

Ever$(o!$ !oes.

;ou re sel&8indul'ent )out expressin' your n'er# ;ou &eel you s!ould )e &ree to

"ent ny emotion# ;ou do not (onsider t!e imp(t on ot!er people#

;our pro)lems wit! n'er nd impulse (ontrol put you t risk# At t!e extreme%

your pro)lem (ontrollin' your impulses (ould led to (riminl )e!"ior# More

typi(lly% t!ey o((ur s explosi"eness% temper tntrums% or inpproprite )e!"ior#

N*NAF I got this great ne !ress for the part$ @ri!a$.

T=E3A2*STF 4o !i! $ou sing thatH I thought Ra$mon! asn5t, giving

$ou an$ more mone$ for clothes. N*NAF 0eS, if $ou sear not to tell Ism,actuall$ l stole it. It as reall$ eas$.

I 1ust snea&e! it into the !ressing room an! slippe! it into m$ (ag.

T=E3A2*STF 4o are $ou going to e?plain it to Ra$mon!H N*NAF Oh, he on5t

notice. It5s reall$ his fault an$a$, (ecause he on 5tge

me the mone$.

3ymond !i! &ind out )out t!e dress# =e ws so n'ry t!t !e told Nin !e wnted

tril seprtion# T!is ws t!e lst t!in' Nin wnted# S!e !d (ted impulsi"ely%

wit!out (onsiderin' t!e (onse7uen(es# etween t!e impulse nd t!e action, s!e !d

to lern to pl(e thought.

<nlike mny o& t!e ot!er li&etrps.w!i(! (use you to suppress your needs

.t!e Entitlement li&etrp in"ol"es t!ee?cessive expression o& your needs# ;ou l(k

norml de'ree o& restrint# W!eres ot!er people in!i)it nd dis(ipline t!emsel"es

ppropritely% you do not#

Most ptients wit! Entitlement do not &eel ny rel distress )out t!eir pttern#

T!is sets Entitlement prt &rom ll t!e ot!er li&etrps in t!is )ook# We !"e ne"er

!d ptient (ome to us syin' t!t !e (r s!e ws in pin s result o& &eelin'

entitled or spe(il#

=owe"er% mny o& our ptients !"e partners wit! serious Entitlement issues#

T!is is !ow n entitled person s!ows up most o&ten in t!erpy.s t!e prtner o&

one o& our ptients# /We o&ten sk t!e prtners o& our ptients to (ome to somesessions s well#0 To pot it )luntly% rt!er t!n seekin' t!erpy yoursel&% more o&ten

you re t!e person w!o dri"es ot!ers to seek t!erpy#

;our li&e )e(omes pin&ul only w!en you re no lon'er )le to "oid t!e

serious ne'ti"e (onse7uen(es t!t result &rom your Entitlement.&or exmple%

w!en you (tully lose your o) )e(use you (nnot (omplete t!e work properly% or

w!en your spouse t!retens to le"e you# Only t!en will you (knowled'e t!t



??1 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

ot!er people re not !ppy wit! your )e!"ior nd t!t your entitlement is pro)lem# ;ou &inlly reli4e t!t t!e li&etrp !s (ost.t!t it (n relly dm'e

your li&e#

O3*G*NS O9 ENT*TLEMENT

Entitlement (n de"elop in t!ree 7uite di&&erent wys# T!e &irst in"ol"es wek

prentl limitsF

O9=GTN 1 F WEAK L*M*TS

0ea& Stmts is t!e most o)"ious ori'in &or Entitlement T!ese prents &il to exer(ise

su&&i(ient dis(ipline nd (ontrol o"er t!eir (!ildren# Su(! prents spoil or indul'e

t!eir (!ildren in "riety o& wys#

7) Spoile! Entitlement/

C!ildren re 'i"en w!te"er t!ey wnt w!ene"er t!ey wnt it# T!is my

in(lude mteril desires or !"in' t!eir own wy# T!e chu! (ontrols t!e

parents.

8) I2-5$s(*(,:

C!ildren re not tu'!t frustration tolerance. T!ey re not &or(ed to tke

responsi)ility nd (omplete ssi'ned tsks# T!is my in(lude (!ores round

t!e !ouse or s(!oolwork T!e prent llows t!e (!ild to 'et wy wit!

irresponsi)ility )y not lowin' t!rou'! wit! "ersi"e (onse7uen(es#

T!ey re lso not tu'!t impulse control. T!e prents llow (!ildren to

(t out impulses% su(! s n'er% wit!out imposin' su&&i(ient ne'ti"e

(onse7uen(es# One or )ot! prents my t!emsel"es !"e di&&i(ulty

(ontrollin' emotions nd impulses#

W!en we dis(uss limits, we men reson)le rules nd (onse7uen(es# ot! Mei nd

Nin !d wek prentl limits s (!ildren# *n sense% t!ey were )rou'!t up )y t!eir

prents to )e entitled# ot! were rised in permissi"e% lisse48&ire en"ironments

w!ere t!ey were spoiled nd indul'ed# T!ey ne"er lerned6 pproprite limits#

2rents ser"e s models &or sel&8(ontrol nd sel&8dis(ipline# 2rents w!o re

out o& (ontrol produ(e (!ildren w!o re out o& (ontrol#

MELF Yeah, I guess m$ father use! to storm aroun! the house in the same a$. 4e

as ala$s losing his temper an! $elling at us. I5m a lot li&e him.

KAT*EF 7n! hat a(out $our motherH 4is mother is a total pushover ho

1ust ta&es hatever his father !ishes out. MELF Yeah. I guess neither one as

a paragon of goo! (ehavior.

*t ws ((ept)le in Met6s !ouse!old &or !is &t!er to )e!"e like (!ild# W!en

dults (nnot (ontrol t!emsel"es% t!ey re unlikely to (ontrol t!eir (!ildren# *t is

t!rou'! prentl sel&8(ontrol t!t we lem to (ontrol oursel"es# We do to oursel"es

w!t ws done to us# W!en we !"e prents w!o pro"ide (ler% (onsistent% nd

pproprite limits% t!en we lem to pply t!ese limits to oursel"es#

2tients )rou'!t up wit! wek limits usully do not lern t!e notion o&

reciprocit$ s ( !ild# ;our prents did not te(! you t!t% in order to 'et somet!in'%

you !"e to 'i"e somet!in' )(k# 3t!er% t!e mess'e t!ey '"e you ws t!t t!ey

would tke (re o& you% nd you did not !"e to do nyt!in' in return#

Mel nd Nin !d n interestin' (ommonlityF Mel ws t!e only )oy nd Nin

t!e only 'irl in t!eir &milies#

N*NAF V as the (a($ an! I as the onl$ girl. 2$ mother reall$ ante! a girl. She

ent through three (o$s to get me. I got ever$thing I ante! as a chil!. I as

1ust li&e a little princess. 7n! ever$one too& care of me, m$ parents an! m$

(rothers.

*t is possi)le t!t (ertin (!ildren.only (!ildren% t!e youn'est (!ild in t!e &mily%

t!e only (!ild o& t!t sex.re more pt to de"elop t!e li&etrp# T!is is )e(use t!ey

my )e more likely to )e indul'ed#



T=E E NT$TLEMENT L$9ET3A2 ???

O3*G*N ?F DE2ENDENT O@E3*ND<LGENCE

T!e ori'in o& Dependent Entitlement is prents w!o o"erindul'e t!eir (!ildrenin wys t!t mke t!e (!ildren dependent on t!em# T!e prents tke on e"erydy

responsi)ilities% de(isions% nd di&&i(ult tsks &or t!e (!ild# T!e en"ironment is

so s&e nd prote(ted nd so little is expe(ted o& t!e (!ild t!t t!e (!ild (omes to

!eman! t!is le"el o& (re#

T!e di&&eren(e )etween t!e Dependen(e li&etrp nd +Dependent Entitlement+ is one

o& de'ree# T!e more dependent you re llowed to )e.t!e more you re

o"erprote(ted nd 'i"en e"eryt!in'.t!e more you will tend towrd Dependent

Entitlement# *& you )elon' to t!is type% you s!ould red t!e (!pter on Dependen(e

s well#

O3*G*N F E NT*TLEMENT AS CO<NTE3ATTACK 9O3 OT=E3 L*9ET3A2S

9or t!e mority o& our ptients# Entitlement is &orm o& Countertt(k% or

o"er(ompenstion% &or ot!er (ore li&etrps.usully De&e(ti"eness% Emotionl

Depri"tion% or So(il Ex(lusion# 9or t!e ori'in o& t!ese Entitlement (ses% see

t!e (!pter rele"nt to t!e underlyin' (ore li&etrp#

*& you de"eloped Entitlement s mens &or (opin' wit! erly Emotionl

Depri"tion% t!en you were pro))ly (!eted or depri"ed s (!ild in some

si'ni&i(nt wy# 2er!ps your prents were (old nd non8nurturin'% so you were

emotionlly depri"ed# ;ou Countertt(ked )y )e(omin' entitled# Or per!ps you

were mterilly depri"ed# T!e &milies round you !d money% )ut you were

relti"ely poor# ;ou wnted t!in's t!t you (ould not 'et# Now% s n dult% you

mke sure t!t you 'et e"eryt!in'#

;our Entitlement my !"e )een n dpti"e% !elt!y mens o& (opin' w!en

you were youn'# Entitlement my !"e o&&ered you wy out o& t!e loneliness% t!e

l(k o& lo"in'% (rin'% nd ttention t!t you experien(ed s (!ild# Or it o&&ered

you wy out o& t!e mteril depri"tion# T!e pro)lem is t!t you went too &r# As

n dult% you were so &rid o& )ein'



?? 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

depri"ed or (!eted 'in t!t you )e(me demndin'% nr(issisti(% nd

(ontrollin'# ;ou )e'n to liente t!e people (losest to you# *n tryin' to

mke sure t!t your needs 'ot met% you )e'n to pus! wy t!e "ery

people w!o (ould most meet t!em# a88

*t is n interestin' 7uestion w!y some (!ildren w!o re depri"ed de"elop

Entitlement s (opin' style# =ow do t!ey (ome upon t!is strte'y We )elie"e

num)er o& &(tors (ome into ply# 9irst% t!ere is t!e (!ild6s temperment# Some

(!ildren re more ''ressi"e# T!eir disposition pus!es t!em to respond in n (ti"e

a$, rt!er t!n Surrender to &eelin's o& depri"tion%

Anot!er &(tor is w!et!er t!e &mily llows t!e (!ild to Countertt(k# An

emotionlly depri"in' prent mi'!t llow (!ild to )e demndin' in ot!er wys# A

t!ird &(tor is w!et!er t!e (!ild is 'i&ted in some wy. w!et!er t!e (!ild is

prti(ulrly )ri'!t% )euti&ul% or tlented# A (!ild (n (ompenste )y 'ettin'ttention &or su(! 'i&t# *n t!t one re% t lest% t!e (!ild 'ets some needs met#

7nger is not!er &(tor t!t (n dri"e person to de"elop Entitlement s

(opin' me(!nism &or depri"tion# Extreme n'er (n )e stron' moti"tin' &or(e

&or people to o"er(ome t!e (onditions o& t!eir (!ild!ood# *t 'i"es t!em t!e will to

set ri'!t somet!in' t!ey see s un&ir#

Alt!ou'! Entitlement is most o&ten re(tion 'inst &eelin's o& emotionl

depri"tion% it (n lso )e response to ot!er li&etrps# Certinly someone w!o

&eels de&e(ti"e or so(illy undesir)le my (ompenste )y &eelin' spe(il# *& your

underlyin' &eelin' is% 6Tm in&erior%+ you (n (ountertt(k )y syin'% +No% *6m

spe(il% *6m )etter t!n e"eryone else+

2ro)lems wit! &rustrtion tolern(e nd impulse (ontrol my lso )e &orms o&

Countertt(k &or &eelin' su)u'ted /lt!ou'! t!is is not usully t!e ori'in o&

impulsi"ity0# *n t!ese (ses% t!e (!ild ws inordintely dis(iplined nd (ontrolled

nd lter (ts out )y re)ellin' 'inst dis(ipline nd emotionl (ontrol#

DANGE3 S*GNALS *N 2A3TNE3S

T!ese re si'ns t your (!oi(e o& prtner is li&etrp8dri"en# T!t is% you !"e(!osen someone w!o rein&or(es your sense o& entitlement#

S2O*LED E NT*TLEMENT

;ou re ttr(ted to prtners w!oF

1#S(ri&i(e t!eir own needs &or yours#

?#Allow you to (ontrol t!em#

#Are &rid to express t!eir own needs nd &eelin's%

B#Are willin' to tolerte )use% (riti(ism% et(

#Allow you to tke d"nt'e o& t!em#

#Do not !"e stron' sense o& sel&% nd llow t!emsel"es to li"e

t!rou'! you

H# Are dependent on you% nd ((ept domintion s t!e pri(e o& )ein'

dependent#

DE2ENDENT E NT*TLEMENT

;ou re drwn to stron' prtners w!o re (ompetent nd willin' to tke (re o&

you /see t!e (!pter on Dependen(e0#

iM2<LSt@LT;

;ou my )e drwn to prtners w!o re or'med% dis(iplined% (ompulsi"e% et(%

nd w!o t!us o&&set your own tenden(y toward (!os nd di"rganiation9

*n sum% you re drwn to prtners w!o support% rt!er t!n (!llen'e% your sense o&

Entitlement ot! Mel nd Nin !d )een in mny reltions!ips t!t )ore t!is out#

e&ore 'ettin' mrried% Mel !d )een in"ol"ed wit! ot!er wrm% 'i"in' women

w!om !e !d )ullied nd treted )dly% nd Nin !d )een in"ol"ed wit! ot!er

stron' men#

2ro))ly% i& you look t your li&e% t!is will )e true o& you too# 2ost o& your

reltions!ips will &ollow t!e pttern# T!ey llow you to reen(t t!e Entitlement o&

your (!ild!ood#O& (ourse% we lso sy t!t people w!o ((ept reltions!ip wit! you re

(tin' out li&etrps o& t!eir own# *t tkes two to do t!e dn(e#

T!e t)les t!t &ollow list t!e most (ommon li&e ptterns into w!i(! people

wit! e(! type o& Entitlement &llF



T=E E NT$TLEMENT L$9ET3A2 ??B

S2O*LED E NT*TLEMENT L*9ET3A2S

1# ;ou do not (re )out t!e needs o& t!e people round you# ;ou 'et

your needs met t t!eir expense# ;ou !urt t!em#

?#;ou my )use% !umilite% or demen t!e people round you#

#;ou !"e di&&i(ulty empt!i4in' wit! t!e &eelin's o& t!ose round

you# T!ey &eel you do not understnd or (re )out t!eir &eelin's#

B ;ou my ta&e more &rom so(iety t!n you give. T!is results in n ine-uit$ nd is

un&ir to ot!er people#

# At work% you my )e &ired% demoted% et(% &or &ilin' to (onsider t!e

needs nd &eelin's o& ot!ers% or &or &ilin' to &ollow rules#

# ;our prtner% &mily% &riends% or (!ildren my le"e you% resent

you% or (ut o&& (ont(t wit! you )e(use you tret t!em )usi"ely%un&irly% or sel&is!ly#

H# ;ou my 'et into le'l or (riminl trou)le i& you (!et or )rek

lws% su(! s tx e"sion or )usiness &rud#

# ;ou ne"er !"e (!n(e to experien(e t!e oy o& giving to ot!er

people unsel&is!ly.or o& !"in' truly e7ul% re(ipro(l reltions!ip#

J# *& your Entitlement is &orm o& Countertt(k% you ne"er llow

yoursel& to &(e nd sol"e your underlyin' li&etrps# ;ourreal needs re

ne"er ddressed# ;ou my (ontinue to &eel emotionlly depri"ed%

de&e(ti"e% or so(illy undesir)le#

22222222222222922222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222

DE2ENDENT E NT*TLEMENT L*9ET3A2S

.9 ;ou ne"er lern to tke (re o& yoursel&% )e(use you insist t!t

ot!ers tke (re o& you#

?# ;ou un&irly impin'e on t!e ri'!ts o& people (lose to you to use

t!eir own time &or t!emsel"es# ;our demnds )e(ome drin on t!e

people round you#

# 2eople you depend on my e"entully )e(ome &ed up or n'ry wit!

your dependen(e nd demnds% nd will le"e you% &ire you% or re&use to

(ontinue !elpin' you%

B# T!e people you depend on my die or le"e nd you will )e un)le

to tke (re o& yoursel&#

IMPUL5LV1TV LjFETRAPS

.9 ;ou ne"er (omplete tsks ne(essry &o mke pro'ress in your

(reer# ;ou re (!roni( under(!ie"er% nd e"entully &eel inde7ute

s result o& your &ilures#

?# T!e people round you my e"entully 'et &ed up wit! your

irresponsi)ility nd (ut o&& t!eir reltions!ips wit! you#

# ;our li&e is in (!os# ;ou (nnot dis(ipline yoursel& su&&i(iently

well to !"e dire(tion nd or'ni4tion# ;ou re t!ere&ore stuc&.B# ;ou my !"e di&&i(ulty wit! ddi(tions% su(! s dru's% l(o!ol% or

o"eretin'#

# *n lmost e"ery re o& your li&e% your l(k o& dis(ipline pre"ents

you &rom (!ie"in' your 'ols%

#;ou my not !"e enou'! money to 'et w!t you wnt in li&e#

H#;ou my !"e 'otten into trou)le wit! ut!orities t s(!ool% wit!

poli(e% or t work )e(use you (nnot (ontrol your impulses%

# ;ou my !"e liented your &riends% spouse% (!ildren% or )osses%

t!rou'! your n'er nd e xplosi"eness#

*t is importnt &or you to (onsider t!ese li&etrps (re&ully )e(use your moti"tion

to (!n'e my )e low#

T!e issue o& moti"tion to (!n'e is )i' one wit! t!e Entitlement li&etrp#

<nlike t!e ot!er li&etrps% your entitlement does not feel pin&ul 3t!er% it seems to

&eel goo!. *t is t!e people round you w!o re in pin#

T=E3A2*STF 2el, $ou5re going fo have to let :atie pursue a career. 0hat

$ou5re !oing isn5t fair.MELF 0h$ shoul! D 0h$ shoul! I !o the things $ou sa$

I shoul!H I i&e

things the a$ the$ are. I li&e :atie centere! on me#

*t is esy to see Mel6s point o& "iew# *ndeed% w!y shoul! !e (!n'e On t!e sur&(e%

!is li&etrp only seems to )ene&it !im# Similrly% w!y shoul! Nin )ot!er lernin' to

do t!in's &or !ersel& w!en s!e (n 'et ot!er people to do t!em &or !er



??H 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

+. onfront the E?cuses You Use to 7voi! 7ccepting Limits. Mke list o& your

ex(uses# 9or e(! ex(use% write down w!y it is only rtionli4tion% nd not relly

"lid# Strt to (ounter t!e t!ou'!ts t!t mintin your Entitlement#

=ere re some ex(uses Mel (olle(ted in t!e (ourse o& our t!erpyF

E>C<SES 9O3 E NT*TLEMENT

2eople s!ould ((ept me &or w!o * m#*6m not !urtin' nyone#

E"eryone6s mkin' )i' del out o& not!in'#

*6m spe(il nd deser"e it#

*6ll ne"er 'et (u'!t#

* look &ter mysel&% nd ot!er people (n tke (re o& t!emsel"es# *t6s !elt!y to

'et ll my n'er out#

*& *6m (le"er enou'! t mnipultin'% *6ll )e )le to 'et my own wy#

Nin6s ex(uses &o(used more on !er l(k o& sel&8dis(iplineF

E>C<SES 9O3 *M2<LS*@$T;

*& it6s )orin'% w!y do it * (n lwys (t(! up

lter# =i work on it tomorrow# * (n 'et )y wit!

my nturl tlent# Someone (ould do t!is &or me

)etter# 3ymond will ne"er relly le"e me Li&e

is more &un w!en * do w!t * wnt# * (n6t !elp it%

it6s ust t!e wy * m#

;our ex(uses !elp you deny t!e relity6 o& t!e sitution# *& you (ontinue t!e wy you

re% you re 'oin' to py some penlty &or your Entitlement nd *mpulsi"iry# T!e

&(t t!t you re redin' t!is s!ows t!t something !s 'one wron' lredy# Do not

let your ex(uses (loud t!e ne'ti"e (onse7uen(es o& your li&etrp#



T=E E NT*TLEMENT L*9ET3A2 ? ?

J. List the >arious 0a$s #hat Your Limits Dro(lem 2anifests Itself in Ever$!a$

Life. @iS Out the Limits hart. We wnt you to de"elop ver$ specific list o& t!e

wys your li&etrp is mni&ested in your li&e# Ask &riends nd &mily mem)ers to

!elp# T!ey will )e more t!n !ppy &or n opportunity to point t!em out to you#

Consider "rious res o& li&eF At !ome.wit! your spouse.wit! your

(!ildren.t work.in t!e (r.t resturnts or !otels.wit! &riends# 9or e(!

re% &ill out Limits (!rt T!is will 'i"e you n opportunity to (ompre your

expe(ttions to t!e norm%

T!e )si( prin(iple )e!ind t!e norm is re(ipro(ity% or re(ipro(l inter(!n'e#

T!is is )est expressed in t!e Golden 3uleF +Do unto ot!ers s you would !"e t!em

do unto you#+

=ere is smple Limits (!rt% &illed out )y Mel &or t!e sitution% +Sele(tin'

mo"ie wit! Ktie#+

<9E A3EA M;ENT*TLEMENT

NO3MAL

E>2ECTAT*ONS

NEGAT*@E CONSE<ENCES

O9 M@ WA@

Sele(tin' mo"ie

wit! Ktie#

ully Ktie into

seein' my (!oi(e#

3e(ipro(ity.

9ind

(ompromise

mo"ie we )ot!

like#

Ktie won6t 'o wit!

me s o&ten, s!e6ll )e

md t me ll ni'!t

We expe(t t!is step to tke lon' time# T!is is )e(usewe wnt you to &ill out t!e (!rt &or e"ery re in your li&e w!ere your Entitlement is n issue T!e res (n )esu)tle, t!ey my not )e immeditely pprent# 9or exmple% w!en Mel went to resturnt% t!e room !dto )e t!e ri'!t temperture% t!e t)le !d to )e in t!eri'!t spot% et(# =is Entitlement !d seeped into e"eryspe(t o& !is li&e#

*& you re in t!erpy% your t!erpist (n !elp youmke t!is ssessment# As we !"e stted% &mily nd&riends (n !elp# *t is importnt to sk ot!ers% )e(useyou will )e unwre yoursel& o& t!e mny wys you (tentitled#

K. 2a&e @iashcar!s to 4elp You @ight Your Entitlement an! Impt!sivit$ Dro(lems

in Each Situation. Now we wnt you to stru''le 'inst your li&etrp# W!ene"er

you (ome (ross sitution you !"e listed on your Limits (!rt% )e!"e ((ordin'

to t!e norm rt!er t!n in n entitled% impulsi"e or undis(iplined wy#



??J 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

9ls!(rds (n !elp# Mke &ls!(rd &or e(! sitution# <se it )e&ore !e

sitution to prepre yoursel&% nd durin' t!e sitution /i& possi)le0 to remind

yoursel&#

As you write t!e &ls!(rd% remem)er t!e &ollowin' pointsF

W3*T*NG AN E NT*TLEMENT 9LAS=CA3D

.9 Tune into t!e needs o& t!e people round you# Try to understnd

!ow t!ey re &eelin'# Empathie.

?# Aim towrd re(ipro(iry% &irness% nd e7uity s prin(iples to 'uide

your (tions wit! ot!ers#

(9 Ask yoursel& i& your immedite need is importnt enou'! to risk

t!e ne'ti"e (onse7uen(es /e'#% lientin' &riends% losin' your o)0#

49 Lem to tolerte &rustrtion s mens to (!ie"in' your lon'8

rn'e 'ols# As t!e syin' 'oes% +No pin% no 'in#+ (olle'ues% nd

lo"ed ones !ow you re doin'# ="e t!ey o)ser"ed ny (!n'e W!t

res do t!ey still &eel need impro"ement

Entitlement is so mu(! prt o& your existen(e t!tii is !rd &or you to see it# Ot!er people (n see it moreesily# Gettin' &eed)(k will !elp s!rpen your "isiono& yoursel&#

*t will lso !elp you 'rdully understnd normlexpe(ttions6&oT )e!"ior# W!t do people typi(lly do&or ot!er people W!t does it men to )e &ir% to !"e

=ere is n exmple o& &ls!(rd Mel wrote% &or t!esitution +9eelin' ttr(ted to not!er womn#+

A N E NT*TLEMENT 9LAS=CA3D

* know t!t ri'!t now * m ttr(ted to t!is womn% nd *6m strtin' to pln

!ow to 'o to )ed wit! !er# ut doin' t!is will mke Ktie "ery n'ry nd

"ery !urt# * dot&t wnt Ktie sleepin' round% so * s!ouldn6t eit!er# ="in' sex

wit! t!is womn is not s importnt s my mrri'e to Ktie# *& *8keep

sleepin' round% 111 lose !er &or sure# * lo"e Ktie nd wnt to )e wit! !er

&or t!e rest o& my li&e#

Mel !d (ome to t!e "er'e o& losin' Ktie# T!e possi)ility ws "ery rel nd usin' t!e &ls!(rd !elpedkeep it rel# Mel6s lo"e &or Ktie ws t!e le"er'e t!tmo"ed !im to (!n'e#

Keep (!e(klist &or e(! sitution o& !ow o&ten you )e!"e ((ordin' to t!e norm "ersus !ow o&ten you )e!"e ((ordin' to t!e li&etrp# T!e (!e(klist (n

ser"e s n o)e(ti"e re(ord o& your pro'ress#



T=E E NT*TLEMENT L*9ET3A2 ? I

e7ulity in reltions!ips W!t re t!e (on"entionst!t people normlly &ollow Keep explorin' t!eseissues# Mke expli(it to yoursel& w!t most peopleunderstnd lredy.t!e impli(it rules o& so(iety#

N. #r$ to Empathie ith the Deople 7roun! You. ;our l(k o& empt!y is

importnt in rein&or(in' your Entitlement li&etrp#

KAT*EF It5s li&e 2el has no un!erstan!ing of &o it hurts me. 4e thin&s he can

have affairs an! it5s no (ig !eal. 6o matter ho much I cr$, it !oesn5t seem to

ma&e a !ifference.

T=E3A2*STF Your pain !oes not stop him.

MELF I 1ust !on5t un!erstan! h$ it5s suc& a (ig !eal. 0h$ !o $ou ma&e such a (ig

!eal a(out itH

Mel !d rel i'norn(e o& ot!er people6s &eelin's# T!is is true o&8 most people

wit! Spoiled Entitlement ein' sel&8(entered is su(! li&elon' prtem t!t t!ey

re lr'ely unwre o& !ow t!ey re &&e(tin' ot!ers# A w!ole spe(t o& !umn

reltedness is missin' &or t!em%Ot!er people6s re(tions re importnt (ues in so(il situtions# T!ey !elp us

de(ide !ow to (t# Mel inter(ted wit!out t!ese (ues# =e ws opertin' in

"(uum% =e (ould not re(o'ni4e w!en !e ws steppin' )eyond reson)le )ounds#

=e ust ssumed t!t i& it &elt 'ood to !im% it ws ll ri'!t#

*n (ouples t!erpy we do mirrorin' exer(ises to !elp people lern to

empt!i4e# Mirrorin' is &orm o& (ti"e listenin'# *t !s two prts# 9irst% you

re&le(t )(k w!t you !erd t!e ot!er person sr # Next% you sy !ow t!e person

seems to &eel#

KAT*EF I5m starting to get reall$ ma! a(out the a$ &e or!ers me aroun! the

house, if e5re atching television an! he ants something to eat, lie tells me

to go an! get it. 7n!, if I tell him to ait until the commercial, fie gels snipp$.

T=E3A2*ST to 2el)/ an $ou mirror tltat an! then respon!H

MELF You5re sa$ing that I or!er $ou aroun! t&e house too much, that I

ma&e $ou get me something to eat hen e5re atching television. 7n!

ho !o $ou fee;H You5re tria!.

Strt pyin' ttention to ot!er people# 2r(ti(e listenin' to t!eir (omplints nd pro)lems# Try to understnd !ow the$ &eel w!en you do not tke t!eir needs into

((ount Work on empt!i4in' wit!out 'ettin' de&ensi"e#

. if Your Lifetrap Is a @orm of ounterattac&, #r$ to Un!erstan! the ore Lifetraps

Un!erl$ing It. @olto the Relevant hange #echni-ues. *& your Entitlement is wy

o& (opin' wit! not!er li&etrp.like Emotionl Depri"tion% De&e(ti"eness% or

So(il Ex(lusion.&ollow t!e (!n'e te(! ni7ues we re(ommend in t!e rele"nt

(!pters o& t!is )ook# <nless you del wit! t!e underlyin' li&etrp% it is 'oin' to )e

"ery !rd &or you to ( !n'e#

One o& t!e primry spe(ts o& (!n'in' &or you is 'ettin' in tou(! wit! your

vulnera(ilit$. ;our Entitlement is drsti( ttempt to Countertt(k so t!t you will

not !"e to experien(e t!e pin o& your "ulner)ility# <nless you experien(e t!t

underlyin' &eelin' o& depri"tion% de&e(ti"eness% or so(il e x(lusion% you will not )e

)le to (!n'e

;our Entitlement is ll8or8not!in'# Eit!er you 'et e"eryt!in' you wnt or you

re depri"ed, eit!er you re per&e(t or you re de&e(ti"e, eit!er you re dored or

you re ree(ted# ;ou need to lem t!t t!ere is middle 'round% t!t you (n 'et

your needs met in norml wy#

9ind more pproprite wys o& 'ettin' your (ore needs met.wys t!t respe(t

t!e ri'!ts nd needs o& ot!ers# ;ou do not !"e to )e so demndin'% (ontrollin'% ndentitled to 'et w!t you wnt# Gi"e up your Countertt(ks# Strt pl(in' emp!sis

on intimte reltions!ips% on tryin' to 'et your needs met t!rou'! (loseness wit!

ot!er people# Lem to sk &or w!t you wnt wit!out demndin' it# Try )ein' more

!onest wit! yoursel&# e more open )out w!o you re Lem to sy w!o you re%

wit!out tryin' to (o"er up% (on(el% or impress#



?1 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

We know t!is will )e !rd &or you# ;ou re &rid t!t you will )e le&t

"ulner)le% !elpless% nd exposed% wit! no wy o& 'ettin' your needs met or &eelin'

((epted )y ot!er people# ut you will &ind t!t t!is does not !"e to )e t!e (se# *n

&(t% your li&e (n )e(ome mu(! more rewrdin'# 9ollowin' t!e (!n'e te(!ni7ues

presented in t!e ( !pters on your underlyin' li&etrps will !elp you sty in (ontrol

o& t!e pro(ess#

. If You 4ave Self'%iscipline Dro(lems, 2a&e a 4ierarch$ of #as&s Fra!e! in

#erms of 8ore!om or @rustration Level Fra!uall$ 0or& Your 0a$ Up the

4ierarch$. T!is is wy &or you to lem sel&8dis(ipline# We wnt you to set tsks

&or yoursel& nd &or(e yoursel& to do t!em#

We know it is 'oin' to )e di&&i(ult &or you# Sometimes it will )e )orin'% ot!er

times it will )e &rustrtin'# ut t!ink o& yoursel& s in trinin'# ;ou re )uildin'

your &rustrtion tolern(e# To keep yoursel& 'oin'% remind yoursel& o& t!e lon'8term

)ene&its#

Mke list o& tsks to do% rn'in' &rom mildly di&&i(ult to extremely di&&i(ult#

<se t!e &ollowin' s(le to rte t!e di&&i(ulty o& t!e items on your list 3te !ow

di&&i(ult t!e item would )e &or $ou. 9or exmple% &illin' out o) ppli(tion my

not )e di&&i(ult &or most people% )ut it is ver$ di&&i(ult &or Nin#

SCALE O9 D*99*C<LT@

C @ery Esy

? Mildly Di&&i(ult

B Modertely Di&&i(ult

@ery Di&&i(ult

9eels Almost impossi)le

9or exmple% !ere is t!e !ierr(!y Nin mde#

TAS+S T;AT $E%!)$E SEL92D)S*)PL)0E

Do t!e dis!es#

Do t!e 'ro(ery s!oppin' on(e week#

Exer(ise twi(e week#

Go t!rou'! t!e wnt ds e(! dy#

Drw up !ouse!old )ud'et#

Mke p!one (lls to set up o) inter"iews#

Go to o) inter"iew#9ill out o) ppli(tion#

Spend ll t!e !ouse!old money on t!e !ouse!old%

nd not ny on me% &or t!e week#

Go t!rou'! o) trinin' pro'rm#

D*99*C<LT;

3AT*NG

? B

H H

S

Try to (omplete t lest one !ierr(!y item per week# ;ou my (!oose to

mke some items prt o& your routine# A&ter you !"e (ompleted ll t!e items% mke

it 'ener: pr(ti(e to sit down e(! week nd set 'ols# Mintin your 'ins# Do

not slip )(k into your old% undis(iplined wys#

*. If You 4ave %ifficult$ ontrolling Your Emotions, %evelop a #imeOui

#echni-ue. Timeout te(!ni7ues re prti(ulrly !elp&ul &or (ontrollin'

n'er# W!en you re )out to (t out in n'er% t!ey !elp you stop yoursel&

nd 'et out o& t!e sitution (efore you "ent your &eelin's# On(e you !"e

re'ined (ontrol% you (n mke rtionl de(ision )out w!et!er to ex8

press your n'er#

W!t we wnt you to do is lern to use your risin' n'er s (ue to institute

t!e (ontrol strte'y# <se t!e &ollowin' s(le to rte your n'er#

A NSE3 SCALE

I Not t ll An'ry ?

Mildly An'ry B

Modertely An'ry @ery

An'ry Extremely An'ry



T=E E NT*TLEMENT L*9ET3A2 ? ?

W!ene"er your n'er is B or !i'!er on t!e I8 s(le% use t!e time8out

pro(edure# We wnt you to ex(use yoursel& nd le"e t!e sitution# /;ou (n tell t!e

ot!er person somet!in' like% +*6m sorry% )ut 1 need to )e lone to t!ink &or

moment# Let6s &inis! t!is dis(ussion in &ew minutes#+0 *& le"in' t!e sitution is

impossi)le% strt (ountin' to yoursel& insted# Count to yoursel& until your n'er

'oes )elow B on t!e s(le

On(e your n'er is mn'e)le spend some time ponderin' !ow you wnt to

respond in t!e sitution# ;ou my &ind t!t you de(ide to express your n'er to t!e

person# ut do it ppropritely% sserti"ely# e (lm nd (ontrolled in your

presenttion# Do not tt(k t!e person# Stte w!t t!e person !s !one t!t upsets

you

On t!e ot!er !nd% you my de(ide% upon re&le(tion%not to express t!e n'er#

A&ter ll.!ow mny times !"e you exploded in n'er nd t!en re'retted it lter

T. If You 4ave %epen!ent Entitlement, 2a&e a 4ierarch$ of #as&s Fra!e!

in #erms of %ifficult$. Fra!uall$ Start %oing the #hings You 7llo Other

Deople to %o for You. Start Droving fo Yourself #hat You 7re ompetent.

We wnt you to )uild your (ompeten(e# T!t is% we wnt you to ddress

t!e underlyin' Dependen(e li&etrp#Mke list o& t!e d"nt'es nd disd"nt'es o& mnipultin' t!e

people round you to tke (re o& you# =ow does it &&e(t your sense o& sel& =ow

does it &&e(t t!e li"es o& t!e people round you

*t ws esy &or Nin to list t!e d"nt'es# S!e 'ot t!in's done &or !er% ot!er

people did t!em )etter% nd s!e 'ot w!t s!e wnted# *t ws !rder &or !er to &(e

t!e disd"nt'es#

N*NAF V fe! (ehin! ever$(o!$. I still can5t !o things people luilf m$ age can !o. I

mean, teen'ersmanage to get 1o(s an! learn things.

T!ere is tremendous loss o& sel&8respe(t s (onse7uen(e o& t!is li&etrp# ;ou ust

(nnot mke pro'ress in line wit! your peers# ;our dependen(e is drin on ot!ers

nd dm'in' to yoursel&#

Enlist t!e !elp o& people (lose to you to 'rdully stop doin' e"eryt!in' &or

you# *t is importnt to 'et t!ose rein&or(in' your li&etrp in"ol"ed nd to ssume

'rdul responsi)ility &or your own li&e#

Work out !ierr(!y o& tsks% nd slowly mo"e up t!e !ierr(!y# Do t!e

esier tsks &irst% nd work your wy up to t!e most di&&i(ult ones# uild sense o&

mstery nd (ompeten(e#;ou !"e two li&etrps% Dependen(e nd Entitlement# ;ou need to ddress

)ot!# 9ollow t!e (!n'e te(!ni7ues outlined in t!e Dependen(e (!pter s well#

=ere re some 'uidelines &or !elpin' other people

o"er(ome Entitlement#

t!e entitled person is willin' to work wit! you# Try to empt!i4e

wit! !ow !rd it is &or !imV!er to (!n'e% )ut remin &irm#

# 3emem)er t!t it is o&ten (2-oss(b$e to 'et someone wit! t!is li&etrp to

(!n'e# *& you do not !"e enou'! le"er'e% you will pro))ly )e

=EL2*NG SOMEONE ;O< K NOW O@E3COME L*M*TS 23OLEMS

1# *denti&yH your sour(es o& le"er'e# W!t do you !"e t!t !eVs!e

"lues ;our respe(t Money A o) Lo"e

?# =ow &r you re willin' to 'o to 'et (!n'e Would you )e willin'

to le"e your prtner 9ire n employee

# Appro(! t!e entitled person nd express your (omplints in

non8tt(kin' wy# Ask i& !eVs!e is wre o& !ow you &eel# *s !eVs!e

willin' to work on (!n'in'

49 *& !eVs!e is willin'% 'o t!rou'! t!e ot!er steps in t!is (!pter

to'et!er#

# *& !eVs!e is unre(epti"e% tell !imV!er t!e (onse7uen(es i& !eVs!e

will not try to (!n'e# Try to set up !ierr(!y o& ne'ti"e

(onse7uen(es# e'in to implement t!em one t time% until



? 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

unsu((ess&ul# e prepred to ((ept t!e pri(e o& (rryin' t!rou'! on

your de(ision to pus! &or (!n'e# Mke list o& d"nt'es nd

disd"nt'es o& pus!in' &or (!n'e )y riskin' (on&li(t nd possi)ly

endin' your reltions!ip# Mke n in&ormed (!oi(e#

ot! Mel nd Nin re mon' t!e unusul people wit! t!e Entitlement li&etrp w!o

re )le to (!n'e# W!t mde t!em di&&erent T!eir prtners were (ertinly one

&(tor# ot! !d prtners w!o were willin' to le"e t!em% nd )ot! !d prtners

w!om t!ey lo"ed# Lo"e is le"er'e# 8 8 P Stop witin' &or your entitled prtner to

(!n'e# You !"e to (!n'e# ;ou !"e to lern to mn'e your prtner# Lernin' to

mn'e n entitled prtner is skill w!i(! you (n pro))ly mster# si(lly% t!e

skill is setting limits. Entitled people re nr(issisti(# T!ey l(k empt!y% t!ey re

)lmin'% t!ey &eel entitled to more t!n t!ey 'i"e# #he$ iS never set their on

4mits. ;ou !"e to set limits &or t!em#

W!en Ktie &irst strted tretment% s!e )elie"ed t!t i& only Mel (ould see

!ow mu(! !is &&irs !urt !er% !e would stop# S!e kept s!owin' !im !er pin%

KAT*EF I coul!n5t un!erstan! it. 1 oul! never hurt !im h&e that. I oul!n5t (ea(le to stan! it, seeing 2m hurt 4&e that, I mean, there ere times I as

almost suici!al. I 1ust coul!n5t un!erstan! ho &e coul! see he as

hurting me an! &eep right on having affairs.

Ktie !d to lern t!t !er !urt ws never 'oin' to stop Mel# ;ou !"e to lern

t!is too# Demonstrtions o& !urt re lmost lwys useless wit! n entitled

person#

W!t you !"e to do insted is to set limits# <se w!te"er le"er'e you !"e

W!en Ktie told Mel t!t s!e would le"e t!e mrri'e unless !e entered t!erpy%

s!e ws usin' le"er'e to set limits#5 O& (ourse% Ktie6s o) ws not done# *t ws

ust )e'innin'# T!rou'!out t!erpy% Mel tried to "oid (!n'in' ny wy !e (ould#

=e kept tryin' to )lme Ktie% to 'et !er to )e t!e one to 'i"e in#

Ktie !d to ssert !ersel& (onstntly# S!e !d to lem to sy% +;our )e!"ior

is un((ept)le%+ nd men it# S!e !d to set limits in e"ery spe(t o& t!eir li&e.

&rom tellin' !im% +*& you !"e not!er &&ir * will le"e you%+ to +*& you le"e your

dirty (lot!es on t!e &loor insted o& puttin' t!em in t!e !mper% * won6t ws! t!em+

Ktie !d to stop lettin' Mel mnipulte !er wit! 'uilt# S!e !d to stop skin' !im&or permission to li"e !er on li&e W!en s!e wnted to 'o out wit! &riends or tke

ni'!t (lss% s!e !d to 'o !ed nd do it% re'rdless o& w!t Mel sid#

T!is is not to sy t!t Ktie )e(me men to Mel# 3t!er% s!e lerned to

ddress !im in (lm% (ontrolled mnner# *n &(t% Ktie )e(me mu(! ni(er# T!is

ws )e(use w!t s!e ws 'i"in' nd 'ettin' )e'n to e"en out in t!e reltions!ip%

so s!e &elt less n'ry#

Deep inside Mel wnted limits &rom Ktie# T!ey mde !im &eel s&er nd

more se(ure And !e )e'n to respe(t Ktie% w!i(! !e wnted s well#

SOME 9*NAL WO3DS

Studies !"e s!own t!t t!e more distress ptients disply w!en t!ey (ome &or

t!erpy% t!e more likely t!ey re to (!n'e# 9or your ske we !ope you re in some

distress# We !ope you &ind some reson to o"er(ome your Entitlement <ntil you

do% you will ne"er &ul&ill your potentil &or lo"e nd work#



17 A PHILOSOPHY OF CHANGE

SE@EN AS*C ASS<M2T*ONS

T!e pro(ess o& (!n'e is di&&i(ult one# We wt(! ptients e"ery dy stru''lin' too"er(ome deeply in'rined ptterns% We lso 'o t!rou'! t!is sme pro(ess o&

'rowt! oursel"es% nd we o)ser"e !ow &rustrtin' it (n )e to our &riends nd

&mily mem)ers#

We know t!t sel&8!elp )ooks% in(ludin' t!is one% pro)!ly mke (!n'e seem

esier t!n it (tully is# We wis! t!ere were some wy to &ully prepre you &or t!e

ups nd downs o& 'rowin'# We wnt you to expe(t (!n'e to )e n errti( pro(ess#

2tients lwys tell us t!t it6s +one step &orwrd nd two steps )(k#+ T!ere re

mny o)st(les you (n expe(t to en(ounter in tryin' to (!n'e# C!pter

des(ri)es mny o& t!em nd o&&ers solutions#

We !"e p!ilosop!y underlyin' our ppro(! to (!n'e t!t in(ludes se"erl

)si( ssumptions# We !"e no wy to pro"e t!ese )elie&s% ex(ept to sy t!t we

n"e &ound (!n'e esier w!en we ssume t!ese )elie&s to )e true# 9irst% we )elie"e

t!t e all have a part of ourselves that ants to (e happ$ an! fulfille!. Sometimes

t!is pro(ess is (lled self actualiation. We ssume t!t t!is !elt!y sel& !s

some!ow )een )uried under yers o& ne'le(t% su)u'tion% )use% (riti(ism% nd

ot!er destru(ti"e &or(es# T!e pro(ess o& (!n'e in"ol"es rewkenin' t!is !elt!y

side nd 'i"in' it !ope#

Se(ond% we ssume t!t there are several (asic "nee!s" or !esires that ill lea! most of us

to (e happier if the$ are satisfie!/ t!e need to relte nd &eel (onne(ted to ot!er people, t!eneed &or independen(e% &or utonomy, t!e need to &eel desir)le% (ompetent% su((ess&ul%

ttr(ti"e% wort!w!ile.to )e +'ood+ people mon' our peers, t!e need to express w!t

we wnt nd &eel to ot!ers% to ssert oursel"es, t!e need &or plesure% &un% (reti"ity.to

pursue interests% !o))ies% nd (ti"ities t!t 'rti&y us, nd t!e need to !elp ot!ers% to

s!ow (on(ern nd lo"e# We will dis(uss t!ese needs in more detil lter in t!is (!pter# ,

A t!ird (ore ssumption in t!e li&etrps ppro(! is t!t people (n \ change, in ver$ (asic

a$s. Some people re skepti(l )out t!is pro(ess% i #P6 T!ey )elie"e t!t our )si(

personlity is determined )y t!e end o& (!ild8 !ood% or e"en erlier )y our 'eneti(

mkeup% nd t!t mor personlityf Q (!n'e in dult!ood is impossi)le or unlikely#

We &irmly ree(t t!is ide# We see people (!n'e e"ery dy in "ery &undmentl wys#

=owe"er% we (knowled'e t!t (!n'in' (ore ptterns is6extremely di&&i(ult# Our in!erited

temperment lon' wit! our erly &mily nd peer experien(es% (rete "ery power&ul

&or(es t!t (t 'inst (!n'e# =owe"er% w!ile our (!ild!ood !istories (rete stron'

o)st(tes to (!n'e% t!ey do not mke (!n'e impossi)le T!e more destru(ti"e t!ese e rly

&or(es% t!e !rder we will !"e to work to (!n'e li&etrps% nd t!e more support we will

need &rom ot!ers#

A &ourt! ssumption is t!t we ll !"e stron' tenden(ies to resist (ore (!n'e#

T!is )elie& !s importnt impli(tions# *t implies t!t it is higlil$ imB&el$ thai e

ill change (asic lifetraps ithout ma&ing a conscious !ecision to !o so. Most o& us

operte on utomti( pilot% repetin' !)its o& t!inkin'% &eelin'% reltin'% nd doin'

w!t we !"e pr(ti(ed o"er our li&etime# T!ese ptterns re (om&ort)le nd

&milir% nd we re "ery unlikely to (!n'e t!em unless we mke (on(erted%

deli)erte nd sustined e&&ort to do so, i& we wit &or &undmentl (!n'e to

!ppen on its own% it lmost (ertinly will not# We re doomed to repet t!e

mistkes o& t!e pst nd le'(y o& our prents nd 'rndprents unless we mke

intentionl nd prolon'ed e&&orts to lter t!em%

?B



A &i&t! ssumption is t!t most o& us !"e stron' in(lintions to "oid pin# T!is

is 'ood nd )d# T!e 'ood news is t!t most o& us 'r"itte b towrd experien(es t!t

)rin' us plesure nd 'rti&i(tion# T!e )d news+ 11 is t!ttee avoi! fa!ing situations

an! feelings tluit cause us pain, even hen Wconfronting tliem might lea! to groth.

T!is desire to "oid pin is one o& t!e most di&&i(ult rod)lo(ks to (!n'e# *n order tomodi&y (ore li&etrps% b we must )e willin' to &(e pin&ul memories t!t stir up

emotions like sdness% n'er% nxiety% 'uilt% s!me% nd em)rrssment# We must )e

willin' to &(e situtions we !"e "oided mu(! o& our $i"es )e(use we &er t!ey will

result in &ilure% ree(tion% or !umilition# <nless we &(e t!ese pin&ul memories nd

t!retenin' situtions% we re doomed to repet ptterns t!t !urt us# Most o& us s!y

wy &rom pin&ul &eelin's, mny ptients le"e t!erpy rt!er t!n &(e t!ese

emotions# 2eople )e(ome ddi(ted to l(o!ol nd dru's to "oid t!ese &eelin's# We

must (ommit oursel"es to &(in' pin in order to (!n'e

Sixt!% e !o not (elieve that an$ one techni-ue or approach to change ill (e

successful for all people. We )elie"e t!t t!e most e&&e(ti"e (!n'e ppro(!es will )e

t!ose t!t inte'rte nd pull to'et!er "riety o& di&&erent strte'ies# *n t!e li&etrp

ppro(!% we drw on (o'niti"e% )e!"iorl% experientil% inner8(!ild% psy(!onlyti(% nd

interpersonl te(!ni7ues to !elp you (!n'e# e(use we re (om)inin' se"erl power&ul

(!n'e 'ents% we )elie"e t!t more people will )e !elped wit! t!is t!erpy t!n )y ot!er

t!erpies t!t only utili4e one or two o& t!ese inter"entions# P We stron'ly ur'e you to

seek out ppro(!es nd t!erpists t!t (om)ine se"erl models% insted o& ust one or mo#

Alt!ou'! we do not expe(t to !elp e"ery)ody wit! our li&etrp ppro(!% we !ope to )e

more su((ess&ul t!n sin'le8te(!ni7ue tretments%

C3EAT*NG A 2E3SONAL @*S*ON

Our &inl ssumption )out (!n'e in"ol"es t!e need to (rete personl "ision# C!n'e

is not ust t!e )sen(e o& li&etrps# We must e(! dis(o"er w!o we wnt to )e nd w!t we

wnt &rom li&e# We &eel t!t it is "itl to +!"e t!isbdire(tio! )e&ore 'oin' too &r lon' t!e

(!n'e pro(ess# We wnt you to look )eyond t!e elimintion o& your indi"idul li&etrps to

n im'e o& w!t will led you &inlly to &eel &ul&illed% !ppy% nd sel&8(tuli4ed#

Mny o& us 'o t!rou'! li&e wit! only &u44y sense o& w!ere we re 'oin'# T!is

explins w!y mny o& us re(! middle8'e or retirement &eelin' disppointed nd

disillusioned# We !"e ne"er !d )rod set o& o"erridin' 'ols to 'uide us# *t would )e

like plyin' &oot)ll wit!out knowin' w!ere t!e 'ol posts re% or 'ettin' on plne

wit!out knowin' its destintion# *t is (ru(il6&or e(! o& us to !"e su(! )lueprint##he

eleven lifetraps are o(stacles io reaching our goals9 5the$ !o not tell us hat each of us

uni-uel$ nee!s io (e Gsapp$. On(e you de"elop set o& li&e 'ols% you (n )e'in to pln

spe(i&i( steps to 'et t!ere# We ur'e you to ppro(! (!n'e in strte'i( wy% not

!p!4rdly#

To (rete personl "ision% you must dis(o"er your natural inclinations, w!i(!

in(lude t!ose interests% reltions!ips% nd (ti"ities t!t in!erently ted us to &eel &ul&illed#

We )elie"e t!t e(! person !s n innte set o& personl pre&eren(es# 2er!ps t!e most

"itl tsk we (n undertke in our li"es is to dis(o"er w!t t!ese in)orn desires re# Our

)est (lues to re(o'nmn' nturl in(lintions reour emotions nd our )odilysensaT rions#

W!en we en''e in (ti"ities or reltions!ips t!t &ul&ill our nturl in(lintions% we &eel

'ood# Our )ody is (ontent nd we experien(e plesure or oy#

<n&ortuntely% mny o& us re trined s (!ildren to disre'rd our nturl in(lintions

nd to do w!t is expe(ted o& usF We re &or(ed to )e tou'! w!en )y nture we re

sensiti"e, we re &or(ed to pursue medi(ine% w!en our nturl pre&eren(e is &or outdoor

(ti"ities, we re &or(ed to )e (on"entionl w!en )y nture we re un(on"entionl, we re

&or(ed to (t in routine wys w!en )y nture we pre&er stimultion#

We (ould 'o on nd on wit! exmples o& !ow prents nd te(!ers% wit! t!e )est

intentions% en(our'e us to disre'rd our )si( ntures# Nturlly% we (nnot sel&is!ly

pursue only w!t we wnt to )e !ppy# We must &ind 6 )ln(e )etween t!e needs o&

so(iety nd our own personl &ul&illment# We re not d"o(tin' nr(issisti( p!ilosop!y

o& <"in'# =owe"er% mny o& us !"e )een o"ertrined% o"erso(ili4ed# We !"e )een

pus!ed too &r in t!e dire(tion o& doin' w!t ot!ers expe(t#

Mny o& us must re"erse t!is pro(ess in order to (!n'e# We must dis(o"er w!o we

re# We must &ind out w!t mkes us !ppy% wit!out relyin' solely on w!t mkes t!e

people round us !ppy# Alt!ou'! we (nnot% o& (ourse% de"elop t!is "ision &or you% we

(n 'uide you t!rou'! t!e 7uestions you !"e to sk yoursel&# We !"e lredy dis(ussed8

t!e (ore needs t!t (n led us to !ppiness# /T!is ws t!e se(ond ssumption in our

p!ilosop!y#0 Now we will 'o t!rou'! t!em in 'reter detil wit! you#

T!e &irst re o& (!n'e in"ol"es relationships. W!t is your "ision o& t!ereltions!ips t!t you wnt in your li&e Clri&y t!e wys you wnt to (onne(t to ot!er

people# Consider intimte reltions!ips# W!t kind o& intimte reltions!ip do you wnt

W!t is most importnt to you. pssion nd romn(e% (ompnion% &mily W!t re

your 'ols in &indin' prtner =ow importnt is emotionl (loseness to you (ompred to

sexul ex(itement

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T!ere te ot!er times to (onsider seein' pro&essionl# W!en your symptoms

re so se"ere t!t t!ey inter&ere wit! your &un(tionin', w!en you !"e )een stu(k

&or lon' time nd do not know !ow to (!n'e, w!en (!n'e &eels !opeless.t!ese

re times to (onsider 'ettin' pro&essionl !elp# Consider it w!en you re 'oin'

t!rou'! li&e (risis% su(! s t!e )rek8up o& lon'8term reltions!ip or t!e loss o& o), t t!ese times% you need support nd my )e more re(epti"e to (!n'e#

Consider !elp i& you !d trumti( (!ild!ood t!t in(luded emotionl% p!ysi(l%

or sexul )use# 9inlly% i& you re !urtin' ot!er people )e(use o& your pro)lems%

t!en pro&essionl !elp is (lerly indi(ted#

*& your symptoms re "ery serious% psy(!itri( medi(tion mi'!t !elp yo 9or

exmple% you mi'!t )e seriously depressedF you &eel wort!less% your etin' nd

sleepin' re distur)ed% you &eel slowed down% you (nnot (on(entrte% you !"e

lost interest in t!in's t!t used to 'i"e you plesure% or you re (tully doin' less#

;ou my e"en )e (onsiderin' sui(ide# *& you !"e symptoms o& depression%

espe(illy i& you &eel sui(idl% seek pro&essionl !elp immeditely#

;ou my !"e serious symptoms o& nxiety% su(! s pni( tt(ks% multiple

p!o)is% o)sessi"e8(ompulsi"e symptoms% or intense 'enerli4ed nxiety# ;ou my

)e so &er&ul o& so(il situtions t!t you "oid t!em% wrekin' !"o( on your

so(il nd work &i"es# *& t!ese symptoms o& nxiety (!r(teri4e you% 'ettin'

pro&essionl !elp is d"is)le%

;ou my )e ddi(ted to l(o!ol or dru's# ;ou my !"e +post tru mti( stress

disorder%+ in w!i(! somet!in' &rom your pst is !untin' you# ;ou my !"e

&ls!)(ks or ni'!tmres% or you my &eel num) nd det(!ed% Or you my !"e

serious etin' disorder% su(! s )ulimi or norexi# ;our desire to lose wei'!t is so

intense t!t you )in'e on &oods nd t!en some!ow pur'e t!em% or you et less ndless% )e(omin' dn'erously t!in# y ll mens% seek out pro&essionl i& you su&&er

&rom t!ese serious disorders#

SELECT*NG A T=E3A2*ST

On(e you !"e de(ided to seek pro&essionl !elp% you !"e to 'rpple wit! t!e

7uestion o& w!t type o& t!erpist to see # T!ere is no sin'le nswer t!t is ri'!t &or

e"ery)ody# 3t!er% sele(tin' t!erpist is not!er exmple o& &ollowin' your

nturl in(lintions#

*t is importnt to sele(t t!erpist wit! de7ute (redentils% in 'ener-% we

)elie"e it is )etter to see pro&essionl t!erpist t!n nonpro&essionl# 7fter lt%

you re entrustin' your well8)ein' to not!er person# ;ou wnt someone well

trined nd )ound )y (ode o& et!i(l stndrds# Alt!ou'! we re psy(!olo'ists

oursel"es% we lso re(ommend so(il workers% psy(!itrists% nd psy(!itri( nurses%

if the$ have ha!

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e?perience ith $our &in! of pro(lem. All o& t!ese pro&essions re7uire t lest

uni"ersity de'ree nd stte li(ense# y sele(tin' one o& t!ese pro&essions% you re

more likely to &ind t!erpist wit! de7ute knowled'e% (lini(l trinin'%

(onne(tion to pro&essionl sso(itions wit! !i'! stndrds nd (odes o& et!i(s%

nd ((ount)ility to t!e pu)li(# T!e more serious your symptoms% t!e more (ru(il

it is t!t you sele(t one o& t!ese pro&essionls#

T!ere re lso mny di&&erent s(!ools o& t!erpy# As we stted erlier in t!is

(!pter% we )elie"e t!t it is usully mistke to sele(t t!erpist (ommitted to

only one ppro(! or model# We &eel t!t t!e )est t!erpists (n )tend "riety o&

te(!ni7ues nd strte'ies% dependin' on t!e needs o& t!e ptient T!t is w!y we

!"e pre&eren(e &or inte'rti"e t!erpists#

*t is extremely importnt t!t you &ind t!erpist wit! w!om you +mes!+

emotionlly# ;ou wnt someone w!o is wrm nd ((eptin' o& you% w!o mkes

you &eel s&e# ;ou wnt someone w!o is empt!i( nd understnds yo ;ou wnt

someone w!o seems 'enuine% w!om you (n trust And you wnt someone w!o (n

!ndle you.w!o sets (ler limits nd (on&ronts you w!en you 'et o&& tr(k# e

skepti(l o& t!erpist w!o lwys 'rees wit! you nd mkes you &eel 'ood% w!o

seems (old or distnt w!o is too (riti(l o& you% or w!o seems to !"e ulterior

moti"es &or workin' wit! you%

A"oid inpproprite +(!emistry6+ in t!erpy t!t mi'!t )e 'enerted )y your

li&etrps# 9or exmple% i& you !"e De&e(ti"eness li&etrp% you mi'!t &eel lot o&

ttr(tion to (riti(l% +superior %% t!erpist% e"en t!ou'! t!is is destru(ti"e to you#

;ou would do )etter wit! t!erpist w!o seems to like nd respe(t you# *& your

pro)lem is dis(onne(tion% t!erpist w!o is (old nd remote is not t!e one &or you#

;ou need someone w!o will pus! you to relte# ;ou do not wnt t!erpist w!o

'enertes (!emistry% )ut someone w!o will pro"ide !elin' en"ironment &or your

prti(ulr pro)lem#

*n some respe(ts you wnt t!erpist w!o (n )e t!e prent you ne"er !d#

We (ll t!is +limited reprentin'+ in t!erpy# One spe(t o& t!erpy in"ol"es

pro"idin' partial anti!ote to pro)lems in your (!ild!ood# *& you did not 'et

enou'! nurturin'% your t!erpist nurtures you# *& you were o"erly (riti(i4ed% your

t!erpist supports nd "lidtes you# *& you !d prent w!o ws too intrusi"e%

your t!erpist respe(ts your )oundries# *& you were )used% t!e t!erpist (ontinsnd prote(ts you#

Nturlly% you (nnot expe(t t!erpist to su)stitute (ompletely &or t!e prentin'

you l(ked# T!is is unrelisti(# T!ere is only so mu(! repr8entin' you (n re(ei"e

in one or two t!erpy !ours week# *n &(t% we ur'e you to )e wry o& t!erpists

w!o en(our'e you to )e too dependent on t!em% or w!o promise le"el o& support

t!t is unpro&essionl nd 'oes )eyond t!e limits o& psy(!ot!erpy#

;our t!erpist (n lso )e role model in domin w!ere you re !"in'

di&&i(ulty# 9or exmple% your t!erpist (n )e sserti"e w!ere you re timid% or

demonstrti"e w!ere you re (losed# ;our t!erpist (n model e&&e(ti"e wys o&

resol"in' pro)lems#

We lso en(our'e you EO oin reput)le sel&8!elp 'roups# Twel"e8step

pro'rms su(! s AA /Al(o!oli(s Anonymous0% ACOA /Adult C!ildren o&

Al(o!oli(s0% AL8ANON /relti"es o& l(o!oli(s0% CODA /Codependents

Anonymous0% NA /Nr(oti(s Anonymous0% nd OA /O"ereters Anonymous0% re

well est)lis!ed nd ntionlly re(o'ni4ed# T!ese 'roups !"e pro'rms desi'ned

to !elp you (!n'e in spe(i&i( wys#

ewre o& +(ult+ 'roups# T!ese re 'roups t!t !"e (!rismti( leders%

re7uire you to re(ruit new mem)ers /proselyti4in'0% nd 'enerlly (ost lr'e sums

o& money to oin or (omplete Cult 'roups &oster dependen(y nd su)u'tion#

Mem)ers re mde to &eel spe(il% t!t t!ey !"e se(ret t!t no one else does# *nrelity% (ult mem)ers re en(our'ed to remin (!ildren rt!er t!n (ome to 'rips

wit! t!e demnds o& dult!ood# T!ey re en(our'ed to &ollow t!e rules o& t!e

leder% insted o& dis(o"erin' t!eir own nturl in(lintions# *& you re (onsiderin'

oinin' 'roup nd re not sure w!et!er it is reput)le% you (n (onsult wit! one o&

t!e mentl !elt! pro&essionls mentioned )o"e or (ll t!eir respe(ti"e pro&es8

sionl sso(itions#



*& you would like re&errl to t!erpist in your re trined in t!e li&etrp

ppro(!% &eel &ree to (ont(t us# 9urt!ermore% i& you would like to s!re your

experien(e usin' our ppro(! /positi"e or ne'ti"e0% we wel(ome your &eed)(k#

Te< us your personl story# Alt!ou'! we (nnot pro"ide dire(t psy(!olo'i(l

ssistn(e )y mil% we would 'enuinely like to !er &rom you s you 'o t!rou'!

t!e pro(ess o& (!n'e# ;ou (n write or (ll us tF

$e&&rey ;oun'% 2!#D# $net Klosko% 2!#D#

Co'niti"e T!erpy Center o& New Co'niti"e T!erpy Center o& Lon'

;ork *slnd

Est It! Street% 2ent!ouse 11 Middlene(k 3od

New ;ork% New ;ork 1II?1 Gret Ne(k% New ;ork 11I?1

/2!one, ?1?8BH?81HI0 /2!oneF 18B8B0



?B1 3 E * N @ E N T * N G ; O < 3 L * 9 E

We would like to (on(lude wit! 7uottion &rom T# S# Elio&s Little

Gliding:

We s!ll not (ese &rom explortion And t!e

end o& ll our explorin' Will )e to rri"e

w!ere we strted And know t!e pl(e &or t!e

&irst time#

effrey E Young Es Janet S Klosko Reinventing Your Life

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