Effective Conflict Engagement: Building stronger partnerships through interpersonal communication
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Transcript of Effective Conflict Engagement: Building stronger partnerships through interpersonal communication
Effective Conflict Engagement: Building stronger partnerships through interpersonal communicationTRAIN THE TRAINER 2010
Goals
• Increase self-awareness of conflict behaviors• Gain skills for engaging with conflict more constructively
• Improve the quality of your collaborative relationships
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Agenda:
Thomas Kilmann Instrument: Getting to Know Yourself and Your Team
Positions and Interests: Getting to Good Conversation
3 Conversations:•What happened•Emotions and Feelings•Identity
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Thomas Kilmann Instrument: Getting to Know Yourself and Your Team
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Thomas Kilmann Conflict Model
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Agenda:
Thomas Kilmann Instrument: Getting to Know Yourself and Your Team
Positions and Interests: Getting to Good Conversation
3 Conversations:•What happened•Emotions and Feelings•Identity
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Positions and Interests: Getting to Good Conversation
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What are the positions?
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What were they really after?
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Positions• My Solution or What I want• Those outcomes or solutions that someone states at the outset must be achieved
Positions vs. Interests
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Interests• What I need or Why I Want It• The range of concerns underlying each person’s desired solutions or outcomes. Often unstated, but must be satisfied in order for an agreement or outcome to be a good one.
Your interests
My interests
ZOPA
Your position
My position
Adaptation from Harvard Negotiation Project
Zone of Possible Agreement
The Zopa
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Examples
4. I’m not signing this contract.
3. No, I can’t work late tonight.
2. I want the window closed.
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1. You can’t park here!
5. You’ll need to make sure that you have everyone’s consent before you can start any of the planning.
How Can We Talk About This? •You can’t park here!
•I want the window closed
Interests to Issues
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Exercise
As a team, determine the following:
• What were the positions?
• What were the interests?
•How could you frame the interests into issues?
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Recall a Conflict You’ve Had in the Past
Uncovering Interests
Putting yourself in their shoes and trying to guess what their interests might be.
Asking Questions
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Can you help me better understand the importance this has to you? Can you tell me more about your concern? Can you tell me more about your goals? What will this help you to achieve?
How does considering interests and issues change the way you
might have approached the problem?
Additional Questions
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Agenda:
Thomas Kilmann Instrument: Getting to Know Yourself and Your Team
Positions and Interests: Getting to Good Conversation
3 Conversations:•What happened•Emotions and Feelings•Identity
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3 Conversations: What Happened?
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Point 1Count the number of times the team in white passes the ball between members
Basketball Video
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Point 2No Talking
Point 3Keep your observations, estimates to yourself
Point 1Do not count the passes, let your gaze wander
Basketball Video, continued
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Point 2Observe the scene with no particular objective in mind
Naïve Realism
If others don’t share my views, its because they are:•Crazy (non rational)•Stupid•Trying to fool me
Other rational people see things as I do
I see reality, and my actions and beliefs are based on a rational interpretation of reality.
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You are wrong!
I am right…
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The Truth
Assumption
“I know he meant to do that!”
The Intention Invention
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Blaming is a distraction.
The Blame Frame
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The Contribution System
What can we both do about it going forward?
Focus on understanding the situation: What did each of us do or not do to get ourselves here? What did I contribute?
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Blame v. Contribution?Judgment v. UnderstandingPast v. Future
Repeat v. Learning
Power comes from seeing how you created a situation.
All we do is behaveAll behavior is chosen
All we can give another person is information
Step 1Think about a recent conflict and how you contributed.
Contribution Exercise
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Step 2Describe the conflict to a partner in one minute.
Step 3Share another minute discussing how you contributed to the conflict.
Step 4Partner raise your hand if they hear blame.
The Truth Assumption
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The Intention Invention
The Blame Frame
Only Hypotheses …
•Different Information
•Different Interpretations
•Be curious
Certainty to Curiosity
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•Think about an interaction you had with a partner and how all or one of these assumptions (truth, intention invention, blame frame) impacted what you said or did
•Work as a group to come up with what you would do differently the next time if the same situation were to arise
Group Reflection
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Agenda:
Thomas Kilmann Instrument: Getting to Know Yourself and Your Team
Positions and Interests: Getting to Good Conversation
3 Conversations:•What happened•Emotions and Feelings•Identity
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Emotions and Feelings in Conflict
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What happens with emotions?
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Adaptado de Francisco Ingouville
So what can we do?
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Active listeningReceive informati
on
Send it back to verify itWhat
you believe
you understa
nd needs to
be confirmed by the speaker.
Your task is to
filter or decipher information and
get confirmation that
what you
think you hear
is correct.
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Why?Make sure
the speaker feels heard
Invite speaker to move the
conversation to those places that are
important to her
Help the speaker reflect upon his own perspective
Make sure the listener has understood
correctly
Create willingness for dialogue
Help manage emotionTRAIN THE TRAINER 2010
How?Reflecting content
Paraphrasing (extracting interests)
Summarizing
Asking Good Questions
Reflecting Feelings
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•Love
•Anger
•Hurt
•Fear
•Joy
•Sadness
Feelings: What’s in a name?
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•Love: Affectionate, caring, close, proud, passionate.
•Anger: Frustrated, exasperated, enraged, indignant.
•Hurt: Let down, betrayed, disappointed, needy.
•Fear: Anxious, terrified, worried, obsessed, suspicious.
•Joy: Happy, enthusiastic, full, elated, content.
•Sadness: Bereft, wistful, joyless, depressed.
There is more to it than that.
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Player 1Talk about getting everything ready for your trip to come here.
Active Listening Exercise
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Player 2Try out you reflective listening tools
Easy right? Now, listen to what you don’t want to hear.
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Step 1Player 1: Think of a dream. Tell player 2 about your dream.
Exercise: Listen
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Step 3Player 1: Use active listening to get more information.
Step 2Player 2: Tell Player 1 why his/her dream will never work.
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How might this influence the course of a conflict conversation?
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