Disarming Dissension Report

Disarming Dissension

Simple Strategies for Resolving Your Toughest Conflicts

By Dani Johnson President, Call To Freedom International

http://www.DaniJohnson.com

Copyright © 2013 DaniJohnson.com. All Rights Reserved.DaniJohnson.com is a division of Call to Freedom Int’l, LLC

Discover how to live the uncommon life at http://www.DaniJohnson.com

Disarming Dissension 2

Discover how to live the uncommon life at http://www.DaniJohnson.com © 2013 DaniJohnson.com. All Rights Reserved. DaniJohnson.com is a division of Call to Freedom Intern’l, LLC

Table of Contents

Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3

Confrontation Can Be Good. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4

Unresolved Conflict Poisons Your Life. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .5

Major Areas of Conflict . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7

I. White Lies . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .7

II. Gossip . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9

III. Fear of Rejection . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10

IV. Taking Offense . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .12

The Value of Unity. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15

7 Easy Steps to Master Confrontation Skill Sets. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19

Welcome to a Peaceful New World! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22



Introduction Every person you encounter is unique. Each of us has a different story, different feelings, different gifts and dreams. From your family to your church, client base or community, each individual you encounter is different! But each of those people still plays a significant role in your success — or your lack thereof.

When a group of people all works toward a common goal, be it a wealthy life, a productive work environment or a fun community — every person has is invested in the success of that goal.

Let’s face it, if you experience conflict in your workplace, home or any other environment, those conflicts WILL act as a distraction. This type of conflict acts as a serious disturbance, pulling your focus and putting major roadblocks on your road to success! One of the most important Laws of Success is the Law of Focus. It states that what you focus on, you will get good at. Do you really intend to get good at being distracted?!

Think about it. How does it feel when tiny, nit-picky issues that take you back to junior high school pop up? It starts with a bit of gossip here or a minor disagreement there. At first it’s just an annoyance, right? But over time those little things become huge, community-dividing issues, causing unneeded stress in YOUR life.

Knowing how to meet these daily issues head-on and nip them in the bud, IS a skill set. Seriously, this is a REAL skill you can learn, practice and apply in your life to make a huge difference every day! And eventually, you will know how to respond to conflict quickly and with confidence.



Confrontation Can Be Good

Most people are afraid of, or go out of their way to completely avoid, confrontation. Or even worse, they confront in ways that cause more division instead of creating resolution.

Does that sound like you or even someone you know? Or, maybe this is you…

• During confrontation you bring a laundry list of what the other person has done wrong, saved up just for that moment!

• When conflict occurs, you just keep it bottled up, saying nothing, even though you have really been hurt.

• You always confront, but it’s like your words go in one ear and out the other. So inevitably, the same conflict comes up again and again and again.

Dealing with and eliminating everyday conflict is not just a necessity for your success, it will help you to live a healthier, happier life. Obviously, you want to spend less time stressed out, unfocused and angry at other people, right? Who doesn’t?



Unresolved Conflict Poisons Your Life!

Let me ask you a quick question. Take a minute and look at the serious, honest, fantastic, great relationships in your life (or lack thereof).

What do you think makes a great relationship?

If you’re like average Americans, you spend almost 10 HOURS a day in front of some sort of media source (TV, the internet, social media, newspapers, magazines). And if you take a close look at the messages they’re sending, and I mean REALLY look at it, you’ll see the media selling us the idea of “easy bake” relationships. Look around and all you see are good relationships and marriages shown as all blue skies, happy endings, minimal work…

C’mon, you already KNOW that isn’t the reality. We live in the real world and whether it’s your spouse, your dearest friends, your family and even your coworkers, things are rarely smooth sailing.

Relationships require work! But, for them to become truly great, they require trust. Think about those genuinely deep relationships in your life and how you got to that point. That trust was not forged in the happy, easy times. We develop trust with other people by going through bad situations and sharing things we don’t want to confront. As long as we’re confronting issues from the right heart and with the right mind, that’s when good relationships are built.

Let’s go back to that media fantasy land where good relationships are shown as ones where you never have an argument or a disagreement.



People have it so backward today…that couldn’t be further from the truth! The truth is, a good relationship is built when you work through challenges — together. It is built when you make it through the emotional earthquake — together. Character comes out when you stick through hard times — together. You get to see their heart and their motives, and that is how trust is built.

So don’t be like most people, who believe a good relationship is always good, and everything is always perfect and everyone is happy all the time. That is a bunch of nonsense! That is a dream-world fantasy — NOT a reality. People have that exact same mindset about money — “I hope to get lucky someday. All the rich people just got lucky and got the good jobs and know all the right people.” You have fun with that belief system, but don’t be surprised when you end up broke at 65 or when your perfect mate or storybook best friend never magically appears.

If you want good, solid relationships in your life, and you want to be able to trust other people and yourself, you must learn the skills to help you confront issues and bring restoration.

Conflict can ruin relationships, break trust, cause stress and keep you stuck in a rut. They can cause you to lose clients, lose business or even lose your job. That’s why you must learn how to effectively confront the issues that arise with others in your everyday life.

What most people do is try to hide their issues or even run from them. They avoid talking to the other person or they simply ignore the conflict and pretend it doesn’t exist. But I’m here to tell you, ignoring these problems does not make them go away! Even a small, insignificant conflict can become a big hairy mess if you do not confront and take care of it.



Major Areas of Conflict

I. White Lies

How do you feel about liars? I think I probably know your answer on that one, because you and I probably feel pretty much the same way about them. But what I find so fascinating is that most people don’t like when others lie, yet many people have no problem telling little white lies. Let me just explore this with you for a minute.

I think it’s safe to assume that most people wouldn’t admit to lying. If asked, most would say, “You can trust me, I don’t lie.” But a lot of those same people would turn around and tell a little white lie. Maybe they were supposed to be somewhere and they weren’t, or they give you a lie as to why they didn’t respond to an email. It could be a little, tiny lie, and they think that’s somehow okay.

You may not realize this, but an excuse is also a well-planned, tiny little, lie. You know the ones I’m talking about — saying you’re going to be somewhere and then flaking out, so you make up a little story as to why you couldn’t show. I’m sure a few occasions from your past pop into your head.

Throughout the years, I have caught a lot of people in a lot of different lies, both little ones and big ones. In fact, I grew up with pathological liars. There was a benefit to growing up in the home I grew up in, with all the drugs and abuse and lies — I have this discernment that can sniff out untruths. And I’m here to break some news to you. If you speak untruths — big or small, it all has the same effect. The second someone catches you in a lie, your word immediately loses value with them. It doesn’t matter even if it was just a little mishap.



I want you to think about how you feel when you know someone has told you a little lie. I’m not talking about the big things — I’m talking about the little lies that don’t really even have a point. Just those little inconsistencies and exaggerations. Don’t you start to take their stories or promises with a grain of salt? Sometimes, you even dig deeper to try to see if something they said is actually the truth.

Let me give you a quick example on how a small lie can make a big difference. Your office manager asks you to run to the store and pick up some supplies. He asks specifically for the cheapest paper in the store. You run out, but you are in a rush so you just grab whatever and call it good. When you return your office manager isn’t stupid, he can see right away you grabbed a name brand, so he asks, “This is the cheapest?” and you say, “Yep.”

Because you’re thinking, “What’s the big deal? So I paid an extra dollar.” The issue isn’t the paper, or even the money. At that moment, the big deal is the lie you told about something so stupid and so unnecessary! This type of action and white lie causes your manager to think less of your word, and less of your character. And when it comes time to pass out promotions that little lie (or more likely, you have used many “little” lies at this point) will hold you back.

If you aren’t faithful with the little things, if you aren’t being truthful about the little things — you will never be trusted with the big things!

Maybe you’re in a home business or this situation doesn’t really apply to you. But the effect these white lies have on your relationships is even worse. If you sow distrust, excuses, and little lies in your relationship with your spouse, family or even close friends, those relationships are probably strained. And, this is probably causing you unneeded stress and conflict. Lies deteriorate your relationships!



Big, small, white, black, exaggerations, excuses, well-planned, spur-of-the-moment — steer clear from any type of lie! You may think “What’s the big deal?” But a lot of these totally unnecessary lies create conflict and stress where you do not need it!

II. Gossip

Most people think (or say) that gossip happens only in high school…Or they say it is only limited to women. But let’s be honest, that couldn’t be further from reality.

And how does it feel when you hear it? Just awful, right? You’re ticked off, hurt, offended, enraged maybe. Gossip KILLS relationships, teamwork, marriages and families. The bad news is, you can’t escape it. People will always talk, especially if you gain any amount of success.

Gossip plays out in two ways: 1) you hear gossip about somebody else or 2) you hear it about yourself. They go hand-in-hand because when people hear gossip about a friend, they then put themselves in the second scenario by turning around and telling whomever it was about.

You think you’re doing the right thing by informing someone, but you’re not. “Hey I heard some gossip about you and I thought you should know so-and-so is saying…” If this is you, STOP. By passing on gossip, you’re becoming a part of it. And often what you pass on is not the actual meaning, but how you interpreted the information.

Think of the “Telephone Game.” One person starts with a phrase and whispers it to another and it keeps going until the last person tries to repeat the original phrase. And more often than not, the last person



ends up saying some silly morphed version of what the first person said. This may be good for some laughs at a party, but in your life, this is no laughing matter.

The only quick, easy way to deal with gossip is to confront it. I know, you just started crying inside. But “confrontation” doesn’t have to be a scary thing! In the work environment, gossip often cannot be ignored. Or possibly you truly care about the relationship(s) of the people involved. Whichever setting, I can walk you through how to handle it.

III. Fear of Rejection

There are a lot of people out there who come from broken homes. They have been abandoned, adopted, or faced with people who made promises and then didn’t keep them. It’s called rejection.

Some people (or actually, most people) carry that rejection still! Even decades later, their past rejection is affecting their lives now, and they are spreading it rampantly to others like a disease. And it will sabotage you!

Carrying around rejection or having a fear of rejection is like pressing the self-destruct button on relationships, business partners and even your finances. Basically, if you carry rejection, you will actually have a highly skewed view of circumstances. Depending on your personality, it can play out in a couple of different ways. See if any of these scenarios sound familiar:

1. Self-Fulfilling:This type of rejection carrier is looking for proof. Believe it or not,



they walk into a room looking for rejection! They will actually seek proof everyone is against them and everyone is somehow out to get them. Here’s a great example…

Imagine you are in a conversation with a couple of people, discussing a totally non-threatening, casual topic. A person who carries rejection might perceive this topic as verbally threatening or feel like they are being ganged-up on. Even though the conversation isn’t about them!

This same person is the type who will walk into a room and if someone doesn’t immediately smile at them or say “Hi”, they think, “Oh, she doesn’t like me,” “He is against me,” or “I must’ve done something wrong.” They’ve actually twisted reality to find the proof.

2. Preemptive Strike:This rejection carrier tries to reject people first, basically beating them to the anticipated punch. This type of person can cause huge division among friendships and businesses! Basically, they will try to reject others first. It is most often done through gossip.

What happens is they will take a conversation or situation like I mentioned above, and blow it out of proportion or dramatize it later so that they are the victim — all so people sympathize or “side” with them. As if being the victim and having a little group of sympathizers (“a pity party”) will somehow soothe their past rejection.

Do you see how easily this could hurt or destroy relationships and cause major problems in your business? How far do you think you will get carrying that rejection? It isn’t making you money. It will not get



you a promotion. It will not help you attract clients. It will not solve any problems. Rejection is a sign of low self-esteem and insecurity — it has no good purpose in your life.

Listen, it’s time to focus on what is good, noble and pure. You have already been accepted. You do not have to perform to be accepted. Instead, focus on who YOU will choose to accept. Focus on who, what or where you will invest your time. You need to choose to love, accept and encourage. YOU CHOOSE to stand by people, even when they are at their worst. This is not to say you should let people repeatedly beat you down, but there are so many small things I guarantee you allow to destroy your relationships.

We come from a society where we do not teach our kids how to manage emotional pain. And then our kids grow up with these issues and pass them on to their kids. Think about the people in your life. Have you ever seen one or more of them display these characteristics? DUH! In fact, the majority of the people I know deal with rejection.

What is the solution? HEALING! This isn’t the type of problem you just try to avoid. It stays with you. It comes from your past and it will have a giant impact on your future and your success. The only way to dissolve the division, the gossip and the past hurt, is to get to the root of the problem and find true inner healing.

IV. Taking Offense

Have you ever had your spouse come home really upset about something that happened at work? Or maybe a co-worker who became upset about a missed deadline? They have a chip on their shoulder, they are upset and snappy.



It could even be a woman you work with who is just hormonal. She’s edgy and ticked off at the world, and there’s nothing anybody can do to make it better. And I have to tell you, I know men who seem to have the same thing going on, too!

You might look at them and say, “What’s wrong?” and they just fly off the handle.

Teenagers have this same thing. They are learning to manage their emotions, and they often have a level–10 response to a level–2 offense.

How do you deal with these reactions? Unfortunately, most people take offense at these types of reactions, even though the other person just had a bad day or they’re emotional or just need to blow off some steam.

You’ve got to get better at YOUR response to their “in-the-moment” level of frustration. The reality is, you are in control of how you respond or overreact to other people’s emotional state. Realizing that and reacting properly within a situation is something that must change.

We live in a very hostile world today, and part of the reason is we provoke each other into that kind of behavior. We can make the world a better place if we choose not to give into that frustration, hostility and stress at home, at work, in our communities, in our churches, at the airport, next time you’re dealing with a rude customer.

Let’s face it though…some people are just flat out mean, right? You might legitimately have to deal with someone who is negative, rude and occasionally downright mean on a daily basis. They could be a coworker or even a family member!



YOU cannot change people. Nobody has the power to make mean people be nice. Again, because you cannot control people!

However, you CAN control one thing. YOU can control your own thoughts and actions. You have one quick, easy, way to deal with mean people in your day-to-day life.

Just don’t accept it! You and I both know when people act rude or mean, it is very rarely about you personally. And yet we still take offense at their actions. There are a million excuses why people act the way they do, but whatever they may be, the reason is usually NOT you.

Next time a car pulls out in front of you, or a person says something negative or rude toward you, just say these words, “I don’t receive that.” CHOOSE not to take offense. Because more often than not, that person isn’t trying to attack you, offend you or tick you off. And even if they are, it doesn’t mean you have to accept the offense or even deal with it. That is THEIR stuff, not YOUR stuff.

What has taking offense ever done for you? Caused you extra stress? Caused you to make similar comments to other people? Put you on edge? It hurts your life more than you think. Taking offense from mean people doesn’t just ruin your day. In the long run, it affects your relationships and makes you less productive.



The Value of Unity

As we observed earlier, everyone is different. Each of us brings different backgrounds, different upbringings and different beliefs to every relationship and situation. And along with all those differences, we also carry the different experiences and the different environments from where we’ve come. This results in the fact we all have different states of mind and points of view.

It’s really a beautiful thing. Just imagine the power that can come from bringing such an amazingly diverse set of minds together to create something! But those differences can also be a source of conflict. They can cause arguments and dissension in the home, in your workplace and in every relationship in your life. Why? Simply because of a lack of unity.

Unity is the only way we can truly appreciate the gifts of others and allow them to live, work and thrive in those gifts. Unity, according to Webster’s Dictionary, is a condition of harmony. Unity is the only way we, with all of our differences, can come together to accomplish anything.

But, there are 3 things that can kill and completely destroy unity. Thanks to these 3 things, you could be sabotaging every one of your relationships. Now, before you read these things – STOP and don’t allow yourself to think, “Oh, so-and-so needs to read this! They totally have this problem.” That may be so… but that’s not what this is about. I really want you to have the maturity to examine your life and your relationships to see if any or all of these 3 things are present:



1. Jealousy—It is impossible to have unity with jealousy. It is absolutely impossible to have unity in an organization if jealousy is present. This includes jealousy of people’s gifts, recognition, position, money, spouse or happiness. If jealousy is present, unity cannot exist because jealousy causes division.

2. Judgment—It is impossible to have unity when judgment is present. Judgment belittles someone else’s gifts, position or success. Failing to accept certain people, caused by judgment, results in division and kills unity. When you won’t listen to anyone, when you’re critical and when you have to be the chief authority on everything, you are walking in absolute judgment.

3. Pride—It’s impossible to have unity in the face of pride. Prideful people believe everything is designed to serve them. They must have the credit for everything, even for the things other people do. They have to do everything themselves. Prideful people have convinced themselves that it’s their job to change other people. But, bottom line, the only person any of us can change is our self.

Together or separately, all 3 of these things KILL unity. They destroy harmony. They cause conflict, arguments, bitterness and resentment in relationships.

Now that we have identified what destroys unity, how do we CREATE unity? Just as there are unity killers, there are also unity builders:



1. Encouragement—Encouragement is so important to unity. It’s what pushes people to be the best they can be. We must demonstrate our belief in them, even when they don’t believe in themselves. We must encourage them to go beyond what they think is possible, beyond what they think they can do, beyond anything they have ever done. Encouragement creates unity.

2. Acceptance—Acceptance is mercy. It means being merciful to one another and being there for one another in times of trials and mistakes. Acceptance means covering people’s backs instead of reminding them of their mistakes and kicking them while they’re down. It also means embracing other people’s gifts without trying to mold them into being just like your gifts. It’s about creating a safe place for each person to be themself.

3. Humility—Humility means thinking of others above yourself. Hear me on this — it does not mean putting yourself down or squashing yourself to make the other person feel better. NO! It means honoring others for who they are and pulling the best out in them. It means taking the focus off of yourself, and focusing on other people and the entire team. True humility gives credit where credit is due, instead of needing to be recognized and taking credit for everything.

It all comes down to this: Everyone you encounter is unique. We all have different stories, different feelings, gifts and dreams. Each person in your family, in your office, in your church, in your client base, in your community is different. And each person is significant.



That’s why it’s so important to learn how to motivate other people’s strengths and train up their weaknesses without condemnation and to truly embrace their differences. Because we all need each other. And we can all learn from each other! We can learn to work together in unity instead of in division.

Unity is not conforming to one idea of what might be socially acceptable. Our lack of wisdom tries to force conformity in place of unity. This is foolish. True unity is diversity in harmony. It is appreciating the strengths and weaknesses of each individual and coming together to form a mutually-beneficial relationship.

This goes for your home, your workplace and your community. Where there is unity, there is harmony and teamwork. Where there is unity, your influence explodes and your bottom line is increased. Where there is unity, relationships flourish. Where there is unity, freedom exists for each person to truly be who they were designed to be.



7 Easy Steps to Master Confrontation Skill Sets

When you confront the issue, you are positioning yourself for promotion! You are setting yourself up as a true leader in your home, in your workplace, or in your community. It may not be comfortable, but it is so necessary!

If you think back to some recent confrontations, you may feel like they didn’t go so well. Most people enter confrontations with the wrong motives, and therefore it can turn out messy, hurtful and often do more harm than good. Past confrontation often leads to the fear of future ones. First, you have to understand you are not confronting the issue or the conflict so you can call out the other person’s faults or drag them through the mud. It’s not so you can point out all of their flaws and everything you don’t like about that person. (If that is your intention, then we need to have a little talk…)

The goal here is restoration and unity! The whole reason for confronting the issue is to clear the air, restore the relationship and create unity with the other person involved.

You must realize you most probably have the same goals as the other person. You both want to see your team, company or family succeed. But this conflict is keeping both of you from reaching that goal. This conflict is destroying unity.

That’s why I want to lay out a few simple steps that will really take the guesswork out of conflict resolution! And the best part is, this process works with your boss, employees, co-workers, clients, business



partners, friends, spouse and kids.

1. Identify Your Goal:Recognize that confrontation should be about restoration and unity. Confrontation should NOT be about listing everything a person has done wrong to you or dragging someone through the mud. In most cases, both parties have the same goal.

If it is a work relationship, you are both striving to accomplish something for the team or company. If it is a personal relationship you are likely both striving for the success and happiness of the family or group. It is likely that you BOTH want the same thing! Conflicts can hinder any or all of these mutual goals. As the saying goes, a house divided against itself will not stand.

2. Forgiveness:Hint: this means you actually have to forgive them first, before the conversation takes place. The other person is probably just as afraid to confront you as you are to confront them! Make sure, right off the bat, they know you aren’t holding any anger or bitterness toward them. If they feel like they need to defend themselves, the conversation is probably heading toward the list of “everything-wrong-with-one-another” path.

3. Set an Encouraging Tone:Find something nice to say, such as how they are always dependable or are a valuable asset to the team. Remember to be specific AND honest, play to their strengths!

4. Take Responsibility:Whatever part you may have had in the conflict, own up to it. Admit your fault and then ask for their forgiveness.



5. Build the Bridge:Now you can get to the conflict, and ask for their input about how they think it can best be resolved. “I’ve noticed there has been some tension between us. We both want to achieve the same goal, so how can we communicate in an effective way? What can I do to help?”

6. Correction:Sometimes all it takes is to clear the air and forgive each other. However, if there is some correction necessary, encourage, correct, encourage! If the conversation ever takes a bad turn, go back to the encouraging part!

7. Honor:In everything you do, say, and how you act, honor the other person. Be respectful!

This method can be used equally well with bosses, spouses, clients, coworkers and friends. Being the person to step up and bring the conflict out in the open shows leadership. It isn’t always about who is right or who is wrong; it’s about achieving a common goal and working toward that. Don’t let YOUR ego get in the way of your goals! Clearing the air with others and taking that negative stress out of your life, will free you more than being right ever will.



Welcome To A Peaceful New World!

You have now taken that critical first step in equipping yourself with the tools needed to move from a stressful, conflict-ridden environment to one that is ripe for planting, growing and reaping unbelievable success! I have used these techniques for years, in all types of situations and now thrive in amazing harmony and prosperity in both my personal and professional life and urge you to make the commitment to disarming dissension in your life.

Please let me know how Disarming Dissension has impacted your life! We love hearing stories about your success and sharing them as an inspiration to others. Please visit our website at http://www.danijohnson.com/testimonials/submit-your-story/ and share your testimonial with us. These “real-world” examples can spur others to find a life with less strife and more harmony, too.

May God bless and prosper you, your family and your business,

Dani Johnson

P.S. We get so excited when you share your stories with us, we want to world to know! So, by submitting your testimonial, you give www.DaniJohnson.com permission to use all or part of it on our website and in promotional materials.



We Want To Hear From You

We would love to hear how this guide has helped your personal and professional life. What’s your story? We want to know. Send us an email of your success story with your family or professional life at www.DaniJohnson.com. By submitting your testimonial you give www.DaniJohnson.com permission to use all or part of it on our website or promotional materials.

Disarming Dissension Report

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