Difficult Conversations

2009Presented by

Mary M. Rydesky

Transition Management Consulting

“Disagreements, poorly

handled, lead to poor

decisions, strained

relationships, & eventually to

disastrous results.”

– K

Patterson, et al

What Makes Conversations Difficult

DCs are difficult for diverse reasons & are affected by the social power positions of those engaged

The “difficulty factor” rises when we Assume that the other person thinks, or

feels, what we think/feel

Make assumptions about motivation

What Drew You Here?

Exercise #1

With a partner, describe a situation that required or involved you in a difficult conversation (“DC”)

What would you have liked to have known then?

Your ExperienceWhen have you experienced a DC?

Recall where (setting)

Recall issue

Recall your role

Recall emotions & thoughts

Difficult Subjects

?

?

Difficult Settings

?

?

Difficult Roles

Professional roles?

What roles?

Personal roles?

In what way?

Personalities

Traits? Habits? Responses?

What makes someone difficult?

“Difficult Personalities”

Have you met…

The Liar

“Ms Fragile”

The Easily Insulted

The Instigator

And Other Favorites...

The Bulldog

The Bully

The Blamer

The Martyr

“Mr. Teflon”

Which One?Exercise #2

With a partner, describe a “DC” with a difficult personality

What was the hook?

“The Vibes”

What makes bad chemistry?

What makes good chemistry?

Fears

The outcomes?

Reactions?

Consequences?

The conflict?

Social/conversational discomfort?

?

Another Perspective

Exercise #3

With a partner, describe a difficult conversation (“DC”) in which you were not the ‘heavy’

What would you have liked the ‘heavy’ to have altered in the handling of it?

Non Verbals: A Review

Posture & body language create a feeling of involvement on your part

Appropriate body movements & attention create a productive atmosphere

Appropriate eye contact creates openness

Calm, quiet, environment…full attention

The First Rule: See Solutions

We usually make two mistakes...

We convince ourselves that there is only one perfect (usually unattainable) solution

We convince ourselves that there is no solution

The Second Rule: Acknowledge the

Difficulties

If the conversation or subject is difficult, say so

It’s OK to say what aspect of the conversation is difficult for you

The Third Rule: We Are Only

Half of Any ConversationUltimately, we can’t control how people feel or what they think

We can only do our best

This is both scary & liberating

Keep LightNo Stance Is Totally

IntractableIdentify the subject - this is harder than it seems

Often we find that the difficulty is not what we “assumed” it was

ReframingFraming - the way a conflict is described or a proposal is worded

Reframing - changing the way a thought is presented, maintaining its fundamental meaning but is more likely to support resolution efforts...

"The art of reframing is to maintain the conflict in all its richness but to help people look at it in a more open-minded & hopeful way” -- Bernard Mayer, The Dynamics of Conflict Resolution

FocusPrepare an Outcome

DCs are not casual chats

Compartmentalize your emotions

Emotions are not thoughts! They reflect something important– but they don’t tell us what or what to do about it

That’s what thoughts are for

Impact

Preparing for Outcomes & Solutions

Worksheets by Triad

www.diffcon.com

Reflect & write

Evaluate What Happened? Feelings Identity Issues

Multiple Stories Impact/Intent Contribution

Difficult Conversations by D Stone, B Patton & S Heen

Step 1 PreparationWhat happened?

All sides, all perspectives

What feelings

Unspoken feelings are treacherous

What affect on identity

What is at stake for me about me?

Treat your views as fallible, not as certain

Step 2 Purpose Check

What is to be accomplished?

All sides, all perspectives

Decide whether to have the conversation

Is it the best way to accomplish your purpose?

Chart costs & benefits vs. have & not have

Task & Relationship Value

Force the issue and sacrifice the relationship (non-learning conversation)

1

Progress and integrate the task & relationship (learning conversation)

4

Leave things alone (non-learning conversation)

2

Sacrifice the task (non-learning conversation)

3

High task importance

Low task importance

Low relationship value High relationship value

Step 3 Compare

Describe the problem as the difference between your stories

Share your purposes

Invite joint exploration of the problem

Create a partnership environment or agreement – & hold to it

Step 4 Explore

Listen – understand

Ask questions

Acknowledge feelings

Secondly, share your view

Include thoughts on how & where various stories arose

Step 5 Problem Solving

Gather information

Ask questions

Invent options with value to each party

Separate inventing from selection options

Create ways to keep channels open

Use “By when?” for accountability

Separate People &

Problems• Refer to a resource

• ombudsman approach• Breath deeply

• avoid tactics that engage• Emotional response?

• walk, take a break

Confront or Avoid?

The “Broken Window Theory” tells us to address problems quickly...

Before incidents turn into patterns

Before small problems become large problems

Waiting is guaranteed to turn a molehill into a mountain

Types of DCs

Bad news message

Conflict – emotion or style based

Conflict – fact or ethics based

Bad News DCsPrepare & practice

Talk in private

Come to the point quickly – no preamble

No surprises – keep staff informed

‘nature abhors a vacuum’ & the recipe for gossip

It’s Usually Not “Fact or Fiction”

Often several interpretations to every story

Hidden Issues? You betcha!

Frequently what you are arguing about is never the actual problem

Keep Track of the Conversation

Get started - calmly identify the subject

Acknowledge your own difficulties in addressing the existing problem – speak for yourself, not for them

Ask useful questions – don't assume you know someone else’s motivations or thoughts

Silence is golden – allow them to speak

Acknowledge, don’t challenge their feelings

How to Start • "I have something I’d like to discuss with you that I

think will help us work together more effectively.”

• "I’d like to talk about ____________ with you, but first I’d like to get your point of view.“

• "I need your help with what just happened. Do you have a few minutes to talk?“

• "I think we have different perceptions about ____________. I’d like to hear your thinking on this.“

• "I’d like to talk about _______________. I think we may have different ideas on how to __________________.“

• "I’d like to see if we might reach a better understanding about ___________. I really want to hear your feelings about this & share my perspective as well."

Feelings Before Facts

Feelings carry more weight than facts

Address your feelings in the dialogue – be open & honest about yourself

Ask them about their feelings & acknowledge them – no assumptions

Recognize, acknowledge, & verbalize that feelings matter– but realize they don’t necessarily dictate actions or outcomes

Give TIME for feelings to be verbalized

Virtual DCs Email? Blogs? Other media?

Performance issues, HR conflicts are clearly not appropriate

Use email for stating purpose, agenda, desired outcome, & time, date, place

Frame all issues as a shared responsibility to understand & address

Practice ‘ambulance writing’

Virtual DCs II Videoconferences?

Offset time & distance

Place cameras for tight view with good front lighting

Telebehavioral health findings: the Remote Control effect

Recording & ethics

Summary Prepare (use templates)

Practice

Just Do It

Reflect on Outcomes

What Will You Try Exercise #5

On your notes, write the following:

What one new idea or new perspective on an old idea occurred to you?

What one idea will you agree to implement in the next 7 days?

Discussion, Questions, Observations...

For More Information

www.transitionmanagement.us

consultation@transitionmanagement.us

mrydesky@yahoo.com

Resources

Mary M Rydesky, MLS, MBAMary M. Rydesky has experience in for-profit, not-for-profit, voluntary, academic, and

healthcare sectors as well as small business entrepreneurship. She has operational, consulting, and clinical backgrounds, specializing in knowledge management systems, planning and operations, organizational development, and distance learning. Her perspective as an HR professional has proven beneficial to clients and employers whose goals include sustainability through quality improvement, customer satisfaction, internal communications, and procedural efficiency.

As Human Resources Director for a telecommunications research firm, Ms. Rydesky directed three massive reductions in workforce – truly, a setting for difficult conversations! Her experience as a manager with expertise in organizational development and personal mentoring has yielded comparatively positive situations: but even in better times, talking about change can be challenging.

 Ms. Rydesky operates Transition Management Consulting, established in 1975, with offices in Anchorage and Dallas. Transition Management has served clients whose businesses or careers are experiencing change. Visit www.transitionmanagement.us for additional information or to contact her there following today’s presentation entitled Human Resources: Difficult Conversations. Contact: mrydesky@yahoo.com