Definition of Apology

8/3/2019 Definition of Apology

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definition of apology / definition of apologizeby J. E. Brown

apologizeTo make an apology.

Misspellings: "I want to apolog ies ." ("Apologies" is not a verb and is notpronounced with a long \i\. "I want to apologize" and "I want to apologise" are thecorrect spellings.)

apologyIn interpersonal manners, an acceptance of responsibility for a wrong, plus a

pledge to change one's ways. The wrong may be either intentional or accidental;an apology is fitting in either case. The apology is usually made to the person orpersons wronged, but may also be made to any third party to whom the wrongfulact was evidence of untrustworthiness. The purpose of an apology is to put thelistener at ease regarding the trustworthiness of the apologizing party.

An apology is not complete if it does not reflect all four of these:

regret, understanding of the problem, acceptance of responsibility, and willingness to do better.

These are the necessary ingredients of a strong and reliable behavioral curb, aself-imposed restriction which the offender agrees to live by. It's your bestguarantee and assurance that the behavior will not happen again (in fact, that's thewhole purpose of an apology). If you don't hear all of the above elements in theapology, ask for them. If the offender resists, be skeptical.

Apologies to Watch Out For

Backpedaling : Beware of people who apologize sincerely, but later back awayfrom their apologies, bringing up the disagreement over and over in statementslike "You hurt me when you corrected me," as though your correction of themwas not deserved or was some kind of original offense against them . Besuspicious of people whose annoyance (at being corrected) outlasts their remorse.


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The "Iffy" Apology : "I'm sorry if I hurt you." Beware that word "if," which means"Your pain is still hypothetical to me, not something I'm convinced of." It'ssometimes meant to call your perceptions into question, and to suggest that maybeyou're overreacting. If there's no "if" about it, say so.

"I Don't Know What I Did" : Beware the ones who apologize but claim not tounderstand what they've done wrong (even though you've explained it perfectlywell). Their remorse is probably sincere, but they have no idea what to avoiddoing in the future, and so, your trust in such people would be misplaced.

The Attitude Apology and The "But" Apology : Any apology of the form "I'msorry, but ____."Examples: {You're reading "Definition of Apology" by J. E. Brown.}

o "I'm sorry, but you have to understand....";o "I'm sorry, but I was right to do that";o "I'm sorry, but you ____";

o "I'm very sorry I did that, but I've moved on."

One thing I've learned about "I'm sorry, but" is that nothing before the "but" cansafely be taken literally. {Read this comp1ete article athttp://users.aol.com/Relationshop/Definitions/apology.html .}

Remember that forgiveness only happens when someone regains your trust. And notuntil. Remind the offender of this, if necessary. People who value your trust (as the favorit is) are called friends, and will show concern for your happiness.

[Adapted from "How Recipients React," at Letters of Reprimand and Correction ]

Fake Apologies and How to Recognize Them

While a true apology shows concern for the receiver, many fake apologies begin with"I'm sorry" but end with a point that is completely incompatible with remorse:

Standing by what you did is not remorse, therefore not an apology. Demanding to be forgiven is self-serving. A good general formula to help you

recognize non-apologies is " If it's self-serving, it's not an apology. " Changing the subject is not an apology: "Well, what about what you did?"

Changing the subject indicates an unwillingness to apologize. Verbal abusers often show resistance to apologizing. Continuing to insist that

what you've done was not verbal abuse somehow, or that verbal abuse issomehow not wrong, or that Wrong is somehow relative -- that's not an apology.The point of apologizing is not to say that the crime still feels reasonable to you.
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"I'm sorry but ____" is not an apology, because it does not communicate anunderstanding that you did wrong.

Any blaming of the receiver's perceptions: "I'm sorry you perceived that I ____."Calling someone delusional is a tactic, not an apology. See Gaslighting,Definition of .

"You misunderstood." Pretending that your words didn't mean what they mean,i.e. pretending that your words don't have literal meaning, is not an apology.

"I'm sorry you misunderstood" is a more blatant, in-your-face form. Calling the receiver "ungrateful" for not instantly forgiving. In general, calling the

receiver ethically defective, perceptually defective, etc., are not apologies, but areforms of gaslighting .

"But I didn't do it on purpose!" The universal excuse of good intentions isn't anapology; it's an excuse for doing more of the same, for continuing to offend. It's achildish belief that one can continue acting in a hurtful way as long as there is

some nebulous "good intention" involved. Hitler apologists like to make use of this one, often in the form "He was only doing what he thought was best for hiscountry, and that's not so evil, is it?" Yes, in fact, it is. Don't be taken in byexcuses that look at the problem through the wrong end of the binoculars. Anyoffense can be described from such a high level that the problematic detailsconveniently disappear. But the motive behind the search for such a viewpointisn't really remorse, is it?

Saying "I don't see the connection between my actions and your reaction" is notan apology. It's a denial of responsibility. It's a suggestion that the heareroverreacted.

"I'm sorry [but] you ____" is not an apology. It's a blame-shift. "I'm sorry you got all offended" is not an apology. It's a slap. It's a technique for

adding insult to injury. "I'm sorry you feel that way" is not an apology. {You're reading "Definition of Apology" by

J. E. Brown.} "I want to apologize" is no more an apology than "I want to lose weight" is a diet. "I'm sorry about what happened" is not an apology, any more than saying "I hate

when that happens." ;^) When someone says "I'm sorry about what happened,"consider answering, "And...what was that, exactly? I'd just like to be sure we're onthe same page." People have been known to completely miss the point and

apologize for the wrong thing. Variant : "I regret that it happened." Referring to one's actions as "what happened"

is not an apology because the speaker is not taking responsibility. There are twokinds of phenomena: those which "just happen" (earthquakes, tornadoes, old treesfalling down in the wind) and things which are caused by deliberate, chosenactions (like the house damaged by a tree which falls when a drunk driver collideswith it). Of course, the drunk driver will usually claim "It was an accident," as if
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to say "I wasn't the cause." This is merely propaganda, designed to trick thegullible.

"I'm sorry for what I did" is an improvement. Still, it leaves things unsaid; itdoesn't specify what the speaker did, perhaps even conceals it on purpose, perhapsbecause the speaker doesn't understand or agree that what he/she did was wrong.What a pronoun is to a noun, this statement is to an apology. A complete apologyis not vague; it doesn't say "I'm sorry about...that thing I did." If the parties don'tagree as to the nature of the error, they don't agree as to the meaning of theapology. The promise inherent in the apology has been left blurry.One sometimes sees this method used between nations. The thought processseems to be, "How small an apology can I offer while still causing the receiver tothink I feel remorse?" ;^)

There are other ways of distancing oneself from responsibility. "That's in the past"is an assertion that the passage of time is a substitute for an apology. It's asuggestion that one is entitled to hurt others as long as no one notices for a very

long time. "We've both said unfortunate things" is not an apology. It's an accusation. It's

inflammatory. It's an attempt to shift the spotlight. "I'm sorry about that. And now, isn't there something you'd like to say to me? " An

apology is not a quid pro quo -- reciprocation is not required, unless wrongdoingoccurred in both directions. But if not, only an uncivilized person wouldapologize to you as a way of forcing an apology out of you.

Deathbed apologies are not necessarily real. Real apologies are not triggered byintense emotions or deadlines or expediency. True apologies are motivated by"I'm sorry for what I did," not "I'm sorry we weren't close, I wish I could figureout why we weren't."

"Of course I'm sorry" contains just a hint of annoyance. It's a bit like saying "AmI sorry ? What a silly question. What are you, stupid?"

Lectures Are Not Apologies.

Lecturing the victim/receiver is a particularly aggressive and defiant form of blame-shifting. Examples:

"Everybody makes mistakes" is not an apology. It's an assertion that apologiesshouldn't be necessary. It's roughly equivalent to saying "Get over it" and "Growup" and "Start learning how the world works." It's a form of talking down topeople.

"People make mistakes." Lectures aren't apologies. Basic pabulums accuse thelistener of being simple-minded.


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"You know, relationships are based on trust. If you won't forgive me and starttrusting me again, then I don't know how we can have a relationship." Beware of people who refuse to prove themselves trustworthy. Beware of people who think forgiving them means you are the one who has to do all the work and all thechanging. {You're reading "Definition of Apology" by J. E. Brown.}

"My religious Book says you have to forgive me." Again, self-serving remarks arenot apologies.

Any suggestion that the victim needs to learn something, like a lesson or a skill(for example, not to overreact) is not an apology. An apology would be "I'm sorryI hurt you; *I* will learn from this. "

"Get over it" and "Get past it" are not apologies; they're attempts to trivialize theoffense and to display unconcern for the hearer, to tell him or her "You are alonein this and nobody gets you."

"You need to learn to let go" is a lecture, is mildly pathologizing, is patronizing (aform of talking down) and is a kind of gaslighting .

Saying "Forgiveness is a choice!" is not an apology. Repentance is a choice too,and so is the lack of it. {Read this comp1ete article athttp://users.aol.com/Relationshop/Definitions/apology.html .}

How to Apologize: Stick to the Formula.

Apologies are learned behaviors; people don't naturally offer apologies unless they knowor have been taught the methods for apologizing: when to apologize, how to apologize,and how not to apologize.

Apologies would be so much easier if people would stick to the formula. "I want toapologize," they say, "but first I just want to add ONE more thing!" So they begin bygiving you a brief apology, but then they botch it by adding something, like:

"You're not perfect either, you know" (plus examples) How disappointed they are in you , (and here's why). OR How disappointed they are in you , for presuming to correct them .

These are acts of defiance, not humility, and virtually guarantee that the apology will

leave a bad aftertaste.

An apology has a beginning, a middle, and most importantly, an end. When you wish toapologize, just do it, and stop there. If you continue talking after you apologize, you'llsound insincere. Do not tack on statements of conceit or propaganda to the effect thatyou're a good person -- That little voice that tells you to continue talking after theapology is the same voice that would have you believe It's All About You. You cannotsimultaneously rub someone else's back and polish your own halo.
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Before Accepting any Apology

Before accepting any apology, ask yourself: "Which of the following did I see?"

annoyance blame shifting and suggestions that you misunderstood or overreacted remorse

The less remorse you see, the more likely you are dealing with someone who doesn'tvalue your friendship, doesn't fear losing it, and wouldn't be sorry to see you go. Youmay wish to adjust your own efforts at reconciliation accordingly. {Read this comp1ete articleat http://users.aol.com/Relationshop/Definitions/apology.html .}

This advice holds true no matter who was at fault. Normal people, even blameless ones,will feel some guilt or dread at the thought of losing your friendship; but persons who

show you defiance and attitude are feeling neither of those. Dread and guilt show you thatthere is a bond; that bond is the "glue" necessary to hold the friendship together until itmends.

Sadness , grief and mourning are the normal reactions to the anticipated loss of a valuedfriendship. Annoyance, on the other hand, is what people feel when a computer crashes,or a pen runs out of ink, or a car fails to start; in general, whenever something that isthere to be used doesn't do its job.

4th edition. 03 Jul 2006

about the author

J. E. Brown, relationship activist, decided in 1987 that verbal abuse will be wiped off theplanet.

He has been working on it ever since.

While writing a book on relationships, he occasionally designs online surveys and writeseducational materials for this web site .

Further Reading at Other Sites

How to Apologize: " The Art of the Apology ," by Holly Weeks, at the HarvardBusiness School website.
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"How to Say You're Sorry: A Refresher Course ," by Susan McCarthy, atsalon.com.

Christy Thomas, "The Apology." Warning: Religious material follows, but givethe material on apologies a chance.

For references to scholarly research on apologies, see Sbis's paper . For a refreshing and fascinating study of how apologies work in the Japanese

criminal justice system, see Kenneth Winston's paper . Non-apologies often involve denials. See Types of Denial at Wikipedia.
http://archive.salon.com/people/feature/2001/08/23/sorry_if/index.htmlhttp://www.christythomas.com/writings/apology.htmhttp://www.univ.trieste.it/~dipfilo/sbisa/scuspap.htmlhttp://www.univ.trieste.it/~dipfilo/sbisa/scuspap.htmlhttp://ksgnotes1.harvard.edu/research/wpaper.nsf/d745629e080d1fe88525698900714934/b3458e924c9e4a2e85256d42006c7463/$FILE/Exporting3.dochttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Denial#Types_of_Denialhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Denial#Types_of_Denialhttp://archive.salon.com/people/feature/2001/08/23/sorry_if/index.htmlhttp://www.christythomas.com/writings/apology.htmhttp://www.univ.trieste.it/~dipfilo/sbisa/scuspap.htmlhttp://ksgnotes1.harvard.edu/research/wpaper.nsf/d745629e080d1fe88525698900714934/b3458e924c9e4a2e85256d42006c7463/$FILE/Exporting3.dochttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Denial#Types_of_Denial

Definition of Apology

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