Dddilbert.s01e11.Dvdrip.xvid Vfua.englishHI

7/27/2019 Dddilbert.s01e11.Dvdrip.xvid Vfua.englishHI

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100:00:05,071 --> 00:00:06,573[KNOCK AT DOOR]

200:00:10,076 --> 00:00:11,578Hey, I know you.

300:00:11,578 --> 00:00:14,080You live across the street.

400:00:14,080 --> 00:00:16,082Oh, yeah? What's my name?

500:00:16,082 --> 00:00:18,084Uh... I don't know.

600:00:18,084 --> 00:00:19,586Right, so let's just keep this

700:00:19,586 --> 00:00:21,087on a professional level.

800:00:21,087 --> 00:00:23,089Okay.

900:00:23,089 --> 00:00:26,092I'm selling overpriced cookies that taste like Styrofoam.

10

00:00:26,092 --> 00:00:29,095How many cartons should I put you down for?

1100:00:29,095 --> 00:00:31,097Will my money go to a good cause?

1200:00:31,097 --> 00:00:33,600Well, what do you consider a good cause?

1300:00:33,600 --> 00:00:34,601

Feeding the poor?

1400:00:34,601 --> 00:00:37,604Our troop is taking a trip to the Fashion Cafe.

1500:00:37,604 --> 00:00:39,105It's in New York.



1600:00:39,105 --> 00:00:40,106I know where it is.

1700:00:40,106 --> 00:00:42,108Aren't both of your parents

1800:00:42,108 --> 00:00:43,610successful attorneys?

1900:00:43,610 --> 00:00:45,111[SIGHING]

2000:00:45,111 --> 00:00:48,114Is that relevant to this cookie transaction in any way?

2100:00:48,114 --> 00:00:49,616Your family is rich.

2200:00:49,616 --> 00:00:52,118Why should I PAY FOR YOUR VACATION?

2300:00:52,118 --> 00:00:54,120[WHIMPERING]

2400:00:54,120 --> 00:00:55,622My troop leader said

25

00:00:55,622 --> 00:00:59,125people are nice if you give them a chance.

2600:00:59,125 --> 00:01:02,128She said I would learn from this experience.

2700:01:02,128 --> 00:01:04,130[BAWLING]

2800:01:04,130 --> 00:01:06,132

No, no. It's okay. Don't cry.

2900:01:06,132 --> 00:01:08,134[BAWLING CONTINUES]

3000:01:08,134 --> 00:01:10,136It's so unfair.



3100:01:10,136 --> 00:01:13,640First, your generation pollutes the world

3200:01:13,640 --> 00:01:16,142and plunders its natural resources.

3300:01:16,142 --> 00:01:17,644Now, this.

3400:01:17,644 --> 00:01:20,647Okay, okay, just calm down; I'll buy a box.

3500:01:20,647 --> 00:01:22,148[WHIMPERING]

3600:01:22,148 --> 00:01:23,650That'll be $80.

3700:01:23,650 --> 00:01:26,152Eighty dollars? For cookies?

3800:01:31,157 --> 00:01:32,659Okay, take my money.

3900:01:32,659 --> 00:01:34,160Go visit the Fashion Cafe.

40

00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:35,662Maybe I'll buy a pony too.

4100:01:35,662 --> 00:01:38,665Shouldn't you write down my name or something?

4200:01:38,665 --> 00:01:40,667I don't like to leave a paper trail.

4300:01:40,667 --> 00:01:41,668

BOTH: Thank you.

4400:01:41,668 --> 00:01:42,669You're welcome.

4500:01:45,672 --> 00:01:47,173What?



4600:01:47,173 --> 00:01:50,176You buckled under the pressure... wuss.

4700:01:50,176 --> 00:01:51,678I helped a little girl learn

4800:01:51,678 --> 00:01:53,680a valuable lesson about life.

4900:01:53,680 --> 00:01:56,683I think you encouraged her to pursue a life of crime.

5000:01:56,683 --> 00:01:58,685No, I taught her by my example

5100:01:58,685 --> 00:02:01,688that you don't need a reason to help a neighbor.

5200:02:01,688 --> 00:02:03,189It feels good to give.

5300:02:03,189 --> 00:02:04,691Agh! That's ridiculous.

5400:02:04,691 --> 00:02:08,194I'll bet you $20 it doesn't feel good to give.

55

00:02:08,194 --> 00:02:10,697You are on, my cynical friend.

5600:02:10,697 --> 00:02:12,699Okay. To settle the question

5700:02:12,699 --> 00:02:16,202give me $40 and then tell me if it feels good.

5800:02:16,202 --> 00:02:17,704

That wouldn't FEEL GOOD.

5900:02:17,704 --> 00:02:20,707Okay, then give me $20 because you lost the bet.

6000:02:22,709 --> 00:02:25,211Did I just make a bet that would cost me $20



6100:02:25,211 --> 00:02:26,713whether I won or not?

6200:02:26,713 --> 00:02:28,715Yes, but you also got to help

6300:02:28,715 --> 00:02:31,718someone more fortunate than yourself.

6400:02:31,718 --> 00:02:33,219[EXPLOSION]

6500:02:38,224 --> 00:02:39,726[music]

6600:03:15,261 --> 00:03:17,263[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

6700:03:38,785 --> 00:03:40,286[BUZZING]

6800:04:03,309 --> 00:04:06,312This year, I have volunteered to chair

6900:04:06,312 --> 00:04:10,316the Associated Way charity drive for our county.

70

00:04:10,316 --> 00:04:12,318I think you all know why.

7100:04:12,318 --> 00:04:14,320Is it because you need another plaque

7200:04:14,320 --> 00:04:16,322to cover a fly stain on your office wall?

7300:04:16,322 --> 00:04:18,825

Yes, that, and something about poor people.

7400:04:18,825 --> 00:04:21,828I expect they'll send me some details in the mail.

7500:04:21,828 --> 00:04:25,331[SHOUTING] It's like you're a saint or something!



7600:04:25,331 --> 00:04:27,333No, Loud Howard, I'm no saint.

7700:04:27,333 --> 00:04:31,337I just believe that people should do their fair share

7800:04:31,337 --> 00:04:35,842or in the case where one of those people is the boss

7900:04:35,842 --> 00:04:37,343other people should do it for him.

8000:04:37,343 --> 00:04:39,846This is even more inspirational than last year.

8100:04:39,846 --> 00:04:42,348Now, in keeping with tradition

8200:04:42,348 --> 00:04:45,351three charity coordinators will be chosen

8300:04:45,351 --> 00:04:48,855from the list of our most useless employees.

8400:04:48,855 --> 00:04:50,356[CLEARS THROAT]

85

00:04:50,356 --> 00:04:51,357Wally.

8600:04:51,357 --> 00:04:53,860Hey, top of the list four years in a row.

8700:04:53,860 --> 00:04:55,361Whoo-whoo.

8800:04:55,361 --> 00:04:57,363

A dead guy we found

8900:04:57,363 --> 00:04:58,865in the stairwell,

9000:04:58,865 --> 00:05:00,867and the chair he's sitting in



9100:05:00,867 --> 00:05:03,369which we've named Ronald.

9200:05:03,369 --> 00:05:05,371Mmm. Tough competition.

9300:05:05,371 --> 00:05:07,874Congratulations. You will each be assigned

9400:05:07,874 --> 00:05:10,376an official Associated Way uniform

9500:05:10,376 --> 00:05:12,378and a donation container.

9600:05:12,378 --> 00:05:13,880Cool.

9700:05:13,880 --> 00:05:15,882Chicks dig a man in uniform.

9800:05:15,882 --> 00:05:18,885Everybody who donates will get one of these colorful

9900:05:18,885 --> 00:05:23,389stylish "I Get to Keep my Job" t-shirts.

100

00:05:23,389 --> 00:05:28,394Of course, participation is completely 100% voluntary.

10100:05:28,394 --> 00:05:29,896Any questions?

10200:05:29,896 --> 00:05:31,898[ALL SHOUTING] Yeah, what about the carnival?

10300:05:31,898 --> 00:05:32,899

The carnival.

10400:05:32,899 --> 00:05:34,400Please, please!

10500:05:34,400 --> 00:05:37,403Yes, yes, all right, youngsters.



10600:05:37,403 --> 00:05:38,404Settle down.

10700:05:38,404 --> 00:05:41,908We'll have the company charity carnival, okay?

10800:05:41,908 --> 00:05:43,910[ALL CHEERING]

10900:05:43,910 --> 00:05:45,411I hate that carnival.

11000:05:45,411 --> 00:05:46,913All the money raised at the carnival

11100:05:46,913 --> 00:05:48,915is spent paying for the carnival

11200:05:48,915 --> 00:05:50,416and it's based on the premise

11300:05:50,416 --> 00:05:52,418of cheap thrills and cheating--

11400:05:52,418 --> 00:05:53,920Hardly charitable concepts.

115

00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:54,921How dare you!

11600:05:54,921 --> 00:05:55,922How dare you

11700:05:55,922 --> 00:05:57,924denigrate the carnival!

11800:05:57,924 --> 00:05:59,425

Shh! Shh!

11900:05:59,425 --> 00:06:02,428Dilbert, are you criticizing the carnival?

12000:06:02,428 --> 00:06:04,931I'm a god, and I rarely admit that.



12100:06:04,931 --> 00:06:06,933No, it's just that, uh...

12200:06:06,933 --> 00:06:08,935Well, okay.

12300:06:08,935 --> 00:06:11,437Exactly where does the money go?

12400:06:11,437 --> 00:06:14,941Well, there's the poor, who I keep going on about.

12500:06:14,941 --> 00:06:17,944And, of course, the plaques don't grow on trees.

12600:06:17,944 --> 00:06:19,445Isn't the plaque made of wood?

12700:06:19,445 --> 00:06:20,446So?

12800:06:20,446 --> 00:06:21,948Then it does grow on a tree.

12900:06:21,948 --> 00:06:25,451Why do you ask a question if you already know the answer?

130

00:06:25,451 --> 00:06:26,953He's an arrogant bastard?

13100:06:26,953 --> 00:06:27,954Now listen, punk.

13200:06:27,954 --> 00:06:30,456If you think you can reinvent the wheel--

13300:06:30,456 --> 00:06:33,459

The Ferris wheel, that is-- then go right ahead...

13400:06:33,459 --> 00:06:35,962Carnival chairman Dilbert.

13500:06:35,962 --> 00:06:37,463Ha-harr!



13600:06:37,463 --> 00:06:38,965What just happened?

13700:06:45,471 --> 00:06:48,975So, Dilbert, how much can I put you down for?

13800:06:48,975 --> 00:06:50,476Here's 20 bucks.

13900:06:50,476 --> 00:06:52,979Now leave me alone until next year.

14000:06:52,979 --> 00:06:56,482Ooh, $20. I'll see if they'll name a hospital after you.

14100:06:56,482 --> 00:06:58,484You don't even know where the money goes.

14200:06:58,484 --> 00:07:00,987I don't know where pudding comes from, but I eat it.

14300:07:00,987 --> 00:07:02,989That is such a bad analogy.

14400:07:02,989 --> 00:07:03,990Thank you, Wally.

145

00:07:03,990 --> 00:07:06,492Now I can never eat pudding again.

14600:07:06,492 --> 00:07:09,495Well, it wouldn't hurt you to cut down on the calories.

14700:07:09,495 --> 00:07:11,998No matter what people say, Alice, looks ARE important.

14800:07:11,998 --> 00:07:16,002

Alice, have you fulfilled your obligation to society?

14900:07:16,002 --> 00:07:18,504Yes. I signed up for payroll deduction.

15000:07:18,504 --> 00:07:20,006I like to give.



15100:07:20,006 --> 00:07:21,507I'm morally superior to Dilbert.

15200:07:21,507 --> 00:07:23,009That is so illogical.

15300:07:23,009 --> 00:07:25,011As long as there are starving people in the world

15400:07:25,011 --> 00:07:28,514you can't have money in the bank and still claim to be moral.

15500:07:28,514 --> 00:07:30,516There is ample precedent for my behavior.

15600:07:30,516 --> 00:07:33,019It is completely societally appropriate

15700:07:33,019 --> 00:07:35,521to give only as much as one can afford.

15800:07:35,521 --> 00:07:37,523You just bought six pairs of shoes

15900:07:37,523 --> 00:07:40,026that look exactly the same.

160

00:07:40,026 --> 00:07:41,527That came out of my shoe budget.

16100:07:41,527 --> 00:07:43,529Don't rock the boat, Dilbert.

16200:07:43,529 --> 00:07:45,031It's a fragile system.

16300:07:45,031 --> 00:07:48,034

That shoe money could have fed a poor family for a year.

16400:07:48,034 --> 00:07:50,536What's so moral about letting people starve to death

16500:07:50,536 --> 00:07:52,538so that you can have extra shoes?



16600:07:52,538 --> 00:07:54,540Stop it. You're ruining everything.

16700:07:54,540 --> 00:07:57,043I mean, until you give it all AWAY

16800:07:57,043 --> 00:07:58,544you're not more moral.

16900:07:58,544 --> 00:08:00,046You just feel less guilty.

17000:08:00,046 --> 00:08:02,048I don't agree. The concept of morality

17100:08:02,048 --> 00:08:04,050is contingent upon the cultural context.

17200:08:04,050 --> 00:08:05,551I mean, the relative value of guilt

17300:08:05,551 --> 00:08:08,054in a so-called free society... I mean...

17400:08:08,054 --> 00:08:10,556Altruistic inclinations are dependent upon...

175

00:08:10,556 --> 00:08:11,557I mean...

17600:08:11,557 --> 00:08:12,558Damn. You're right.

17700:08:12,558 --> 00:08:14,560I hate that.

17800:08:16,062 --> 00:08:18,564

Hey, can you spare a few dollars

17900:08:18,564 --> 00:08:22,068for the Disabled Veterans of Retail Security?

18000:08:22,068 --> 00:08:24,570You don't look disabled to me.



18100:08:24,570 --> 00:08:26,072I've got prickly heat.

18200:08:26,072 --> 00:08:27,573Ed's just kind of slow.

18300:08:27,573 --> 00:08:29,075Which one of us is Ed?

18400:08:29,075 --> 00:08:30,576You're on my turf, fellas.

18500:08:30,576 --> 00:08:32,078Don't start with me!

18600:08:32,078 --> 00:08:33,079You wouldn't be the first guy

18700:08:33,079 --> 00:08:36,082in a monkey costume that I've had to kill.

18800:08:36,082 --> 00:08:38,084Can you settle this outside?

18900:08:38,084 --> 00:08:41,087I'm collecting for the Sisters of Perpetual Motion.

190

00:08:41,087 --> 00:08:43,589There's no such thing as perpetual motion.

19100:08:43,589 --> 00:08:47,593Not now, but if we collect enough money, someday...

19200:08:47,593 --> 00:08:49,595[ALL ARGUING]

19300:08:49,595 --> 00:08:53,099

ALICE: Who should I make that out to?

19400:08:53,099 --> 00:08:55,601To the Society of Guys With Large Bellies

19500:08:55,601 --> 00:08:57,603Who Don't Have Satellite Dishes Yet.



19600:08:57,603 --> 00:08:59,605This will nearly triple our odds

19700:08:59,605 --> 00:09:02,108of seeing naked people who can't see us.

19800:09:02,108 --> 00:09:03,109[BOTH LAUGHING]

19900:09:05,611 --> 00:09:07,113I don't know if I mentioned

20000:09:07,113 --> 00:09:09,615that the cable viewer's guide-- that's extra.

20100:09:09,615 --> 00:09:11,117BOY: Morning, gov'nor.

20200:09:11,117 --> 00:09:13,619Would you help out a good cause and buy a candy bar?

20300:09:13,619 --> 00:09:15,621Only five dollars.

20400:09:15,621 --> 00:09:18,124How do I know my money won't be squandered

205

00:09:18,124 --> 00:09:20,626in administrative expenses and never reach the...?

20600:09:20,626 --> 00:09:22,128What was the cause again?

20700:09:22,128 --> 00:09:25,631We're trying to find a cure for canine apathy.

20800:09:25,631 --> 00:09:27,133

Canine apathy?

20900:09:27,133 --> 00:09:30,636By any chance, is your leader about two feet tall

21000:09:30,636 --> 00:09:32,638round glasses and a tail?



21100:09:32,638 --> 00:09:35,141DOGBERT: Okay, urchins,

21200:09:35,141 --> 00:09:36,642bring the money to the van.

21300:09:53,159 --> 00:09:55,161You seem a little short.

21400:09:55,161 --> 00:09:57,663No, sir. No, I would never...

21500:09:57,663 --> 00:10:01,167Do I have to run a full body-cavity search on you?

21600:10:01,167 --> 00:10:04,170Good. And put more dirt on your face.

21700:10:09,175 --> 00:10:10,676Dogbert.

21800:10:10,676 --> 00:10:13,679I don't believe we've gotten a donation from you yet.

21900:10:13,679 --> 00:10:16,182[LOUD, ANNOYING LAUGHING]

220

00:10:16,182 --> 00:10:17,183Uh-oh.

22100:10:17,183 --> 00:10:18,684Chain reaction.

22200:10:18,684 --> 00:10:22,188[LOUD, ANNOYING LAUGHING]

22300:10:37,203 --> 00:10:39,705

At least I'll get a few minutes of peace.

22400:10:39,705 --> 00:10:41,207Howdy there. [SCREAMS]

22500:10:41,207 --> 00:10:42,708My name is Foster



22600:10:42,708 --> 00:10:46,212from the organization of Farmers Who Are Afraid of Cows.

22700:10:46,212 --> 00:10:47,713Why don't they just change jobs?

22800:10:47,713 --> 00:10:51,217How's a cow going to change jobs, city boy?

22900:10:51,217 --> 00:10:52,718Use your head.

23000:10:52,718 --> 00:10:54,220Go away. Leave me alone.

23100:10:54,220 --> 00:10:55,221[GASPS]

23200:10:55,221 --> 00:10:56,222Would you donate money

23300:10:56,222 --> 00:10:57,723to Women Who Cut Their Hair Too Short

23400:10:57,723 --> 00:10:59,225and Don't Realize How Bad It Looks?

235

00:10:59,225 --> 00:11:01,227Money for Mountain Goats with Three Legs?

23600:11:01,227 --> 00:11:03,229Hey! You're hiding your leg. I can see it.

23700:11:03,229 --> 00:11:04,730Hey, mind your own business, buddy.

23800:11:04,730 --> 00:11:06,232

I'm not a man.

23900:11:06,232 --> 00:11:08,234I heard there was a charity frenzy in progress.

24000:11:08,234 --> 00:11:09,735Did I miss anything?



24100:11:09,735 --> 00:11:10,736Okay, here, here.

24200:11:10,736 --> 00:11:12,738This is all I have.

24300:11:12,738 --> 00:11:14,240Everyone just leave me alone.

24400:11:16,742 --> 00:11:19,745Oh, Dilbert.

24500:11:19,745 --> 00:11:21,247I'd like you to pick up my plaque

24600:11:21,247 --> 00:11:22,748at the Associated Way banquet tomorrow night.

24700:11:22,748 --> 00:11:24,250Tell them how grateful I am.

24800:11:24,250 --> 00:11:26,752Do you think this could have waited until later?

24900:11:26,752 --> 00:11:28,254Don't mind me.

250

00:11:28,254 --> 00:11:29,255I'll just wait.

25100:11:29,255 --> 00:11:31,257[WHISTLING]

25200:11:35,761 --> 00:11:37,763There I was in the NBA--

25300:11:37,763 --> 00:11:39,765

All-star forward multi-millionaire.

25400:11:39,765 --> 00:11:43,769Life was good until I turned to drugs and alcohol.

25500:11:43,769 --> 00:11:46,272Actually, that part was pretty good too.



25600:11:46,272 --> 00:11:47,773I love DRUGS AND ALCOHOL.

25700:11:47,773 --> 00:11:51,777But I did get kicked off the team and lost my entire fortune.

25800:11:51,777 --> 00:11:54,280That's when the Associated Way helped me out.

25900:11:54,280 --> 00:11:56,782I got sober; I started my own business.

26000:11:56,782 --> 00:11:58,284Now I've got a beautiful wife

26100:11:58,284 --> 00:11:59,785great kids, a mistress

26200:11:59,785 --> 00:12:02,788a whole fleet of cars, mansions on both coasts

26300:12:02,788 --> 00:12:04,790and a Learjet, and best of all

26400:12:04,790 --> 00:12:07,793I haven't paid any taxes in years.

265

00:12:07,793 --> 00:12:10,796[CHEERING]

26600:12:10,796 --> 00:12:12,298Thank you.

26700:12:12,298 --> 00:12:14,800I think we've all learned a valuable lesson about life.

26800:12:14,800 --> 00:12:17,303

And now, to accept the appreciation award

26900:12:17,303 --> 00:12:19,305on behalf of our county coordinator

27000:12:19,305 --> 00:12:20,806is one of his flunkies:



27100:12:20,806 --> 00:12:22,308Dilbert.

27200:12:22,308 --> 00:12:23,809[SPORADIC APPLAUSE]

27300:12:29,815 --> 00:12:31,317On behalf of my boss

27400:12:31,317 --> 00:12:33,819who didn't care enough to be here

27500:12:33,819 --> 00:12:36,322thank you for this lovely plaque.

27600:12:36,322 --> 00:12:37,823[SPORADIC APPLAUSE]

27700:12:37,823 --> 00:12:40,826And if you don't mind me saying so, what exactly

27800:12:40,826 --> 00:12:43,329was the lesson we're supposed to get

27900:12:43,329 --> 00:12:45,331from this drugged-out basketball player?

280

00:12:45,331 --> 00:12:46,832[ALL GASP]

28100:12:46,832 --> 00:12:48,334I mean, didn't he just teach us

28200:12:48,334 --> 00:12:50,336that if you become a drug addict

28300:12:50,336 --> 00:12:52,338

your life will turn out fine?

28400:12:52,338 --> 00:12:55,341[MURMURING]

28500:12:55,341 --> 00:12:58,344It seems to me that this whole charity concept



28600:12:58,344 --> 00:13:01,847is nothing but an exercise in redistribution of guilt.

28700:13:01,847 --> 00:13:03,849I'm all for helping the disadvantaged

28800:13:03,849 --> 00:13:05,851but aren't most of your funds

28900:13:05,851 --> 00:13:07,853going towards administrative costs?

29000:13:07,853 --> 00:13:09,855Wouldn't it be more effective

29100:13:09,855 --> 00:13:12,358more cost-effective, more impactful

29200:13:12,358 --> 00:13:15,361if each of us just helped one other person?

29300:13:19,365 --> 00:13:20,866But I digress.

29400:13:20,866 --> 00:13:23,869Thank you all for this lovely plaque for my boss.

295

00:13:23,869 --> 00:13:26,372I'm sure you could have fed a family of four

29600:13:26,372 --> 00:13:27,873for what it cost to make it.

29700:13:27,873 --> 00:13:30,876Dilbert's right. It's all guilt.

29800:13:30,876 --> 00:13:31,877

It was just an argument.

29900:13:31,877 --> 00:13:34,380I wasn't trying to change anyone's mind.

30000:13:34,380 --> 00:13:35,381Too late, Gandhi.



30100:13:35,381 --> 00:13:38,884You've killed charitable giving forever.

30200:13:38,884 --> 00:13:40,386Excuse me, sir. I...

30300:13:40,386 --> 00:13:41,887I'm a woman, damn it!

30400:13:41,887 --> 00:13:42,888Sorry.

30500:13:47,793 --> 00:13:49,395Help!

30600:13:49,395 --> 00:13:50,396It's over, man. Charity's dead!

30700:13:50,396 --> 00:13:51,897That's it! Take this!

30800:13:51,897 --> 00:13:52,898Here. Here's a donation.

30900:13:58,404 --> 00:13:59,405Hey, what happened?

310

00:13:59,405 --> 00:14:00,906What happened?

31100:14:00,906 --> 00:14:02,908Huh! Get this guy.

31200:14:02,908 --> 00:14:04,410[BOTH LAUGHING]

31300:14:04,410 --> 00:14:06,412

See, we're the cleaning crew--

31400:14:06,412 --> 00:14:07,913The crew that cleans up?

31500:14:07,913 --> 00:14:09,415I understand that.



31600:14:09,415 --> 00:14:11,417Oh, do you, with your college degree.

31700:14:11,417 --> 00:14:13,419You know, we might not be engineers

31800:14:13,419 --> 00:14:16,422but there's a certain science to what we do too.

31900:14:16,422 --> 00:14:17,923Well, no, there's not.

32000:14:17,923 --> 00:14:19,925But I'm not here to argue.

32100:14:19,925 --> 00:14:22,928You've just discarded all of Alice's possessions.

32200:14:22,928 --> 00:14:24,930What, this junk?

32300:14:24,930 --> 00:14:26,932Where she's going, she ain't going to be needing it.

32400:14:26,932 --> 00:14:28,434Where's she going?

325

00:14:28,434 --> 00:14:29,935The street.

32600:14:29,935 --> 00:14:31,437The street?

32700:14:31,437 --> 00:14:32,938But how's she going to live?

32800:14:32,938 --> 00:14:34,940

What about food, clothing, shelter?

32900:14:34,940 --> 00:14:36,442It's no problem.

33000:14:36,442 --> 00:14:37,943It's not?



33100:14:37,943 --> 00:14:39,445Nope. Not anymore.

33200:14:39,445 --> 00:14:40,446Tell 'em!

33300:14:40,446 --> 00:14:42,448Homeless Depot is the PLACE

33400:14:42,448 --> 00:14:43,949for all your homeless needs.

33500:14:43,949 --> 00:14:45,951And AT PRICES THAT CAN'T BE BEAT.

33600:14:45,951 --> 00:14:47,453ANNOUNCER: Homeless Depot.

33700:14:47,453 --> 00:14:49,955Now in two convenient locations:

33800:14:49,955 --> 00:14:52,458Our original location at 11233 Skid Row,

33900:14:52,458 --> 00:14:54,460and visit our newest Homeless Depot

340

00:14:54,460 --> 00:14:56,962at 475 1/2, that dangerous part

34100:14:56,962 --> 00:15:00,466of that abandoned waterfront area down there.

34200:15:00,466 --> 00:15:01,967Okay, let's see.

34300:15:01,967 --> 00:15:03,469

Sweater...

34400:15:03,469 --> 00:15:05,471A sock... old rags...

34500:15:05,471 --> 00:15:07,473Carton of soggy cigarette butts...



34600:15:07,473 --> 00:15:08,474Those are on sale, right?

34700:15:08,474 --> 00:15:10,976Do you have your Homeless Depot card?

34800:15:10,976 --> 00:15:11,977Of course.

34900:15:11,977 --> 00:15:13,479That's another 20% off.

35000:15:13,479 --> 00:15:14,480Alice.

35100:15:14,480 --> 00:15:15,981What do you want, Dilbert?

35200:15:15,981 --> 00:15:17,983You gave all your money away?

35300:15:17,983 --> 00:15:18,984What choice did I have?

35400:15:18,984 --> 00:15:20,986You convinced me that it would be immoral

355

00:15:20,986 --> 00:15:21,987to hold on to it.

35600:15:21,987 --> 00:15:24,490Hey, that is a spiffy shopping cart.

35700:15:24,490 --> 00:15:25,991You like it? I customized it.

35800:15:25,991 --> 00:15:27,493

Is that a motor?

35900:15:27,493 --> 00:15:29,495Yeah, nine horsepower.

36000:15:29,495 --> 00:15:30,496[REVS ENGINE]



36100:15:30,496 --> 00:15:31,997Wow.

36200:15:31,997 --> 00:15:34,500Alice, I thought maybe I could get the carnival

36300:15:34,500 --> 00:15:36,502up and running again.

36400:15:36,502 --> 00:15:38,003A carnival?

36500:15:38,003 --> 00:15:39,505You mean, like, with rides?

36600:15:39,505 --> 00:15:42,007Excuse me, do I know you?

36700:15:42,007 --> 00:15:43,509I'm your neighbor.

36800:15:43,509 --> 00:15:45,010I'm your friend.

36900:15:45,010 --> 00:15:46,512I'm your relative.

370

00:15:46,512 --> 00:15:49,515I'm the one you won't make eye contact with,

37100:15:49,515 --> 00:15:52,017the one you're afraid to say hello to.

37200:15:52,017 --> 00:15:54,019So, in other words, no.

37300:15:54,019 --> 00:15:55,521

Nah.

37400:15:55,521 --> 00:15:59,024REPORTER: We're here at the Charity Carnival

37500:15:59,024 --> 00:16:01,026The brainchild of this man, Dilbert



37600:16:01,026 --> 00:16:03,028Who, ironically, is the same man

37700:16:03,028 --> 00:16:06,031whose popular, outspoken cynicism about charity

37800:16:06,031 --> 00:16:09,034has meant a death sentence to thousands of needy people.

37900:16:09,034 --> 00:16:10,536Was that a question?

38000:16:10,536 --> 00:16:12,037There you have it.

38100:16:12,037 --> 00:16:14,540In his own words, he just doesn't care.

38200:16:21,547 --> 00:16:23,048Wait. I know this one.

38300:16:23,048 --> 00:16:24,550It's Ted.

38400:16:24,550 --> 00:16:28,053Darn. How does he do it?

385

00:16:28,053 --> 00:16:29,054[BOSS CHUCKLING]

38600:16:29,054 --> 00:16:30,556Next!

38700:16:30,556 --> 00:16:32,057This booth is doing well.

38800:16:32,057 --> 00:16:33,058

Right this way!

38900:16:33,058 --> 00:16:34,560See the freaks. One dollar.

39000:16:34,560 --> 00:16:36,562Why not?



39100:16:44,069 --> 00:16:45,571I can't get an outside line!

39200:16:45,571 --> 00:16:48,073I can't even get an operator to get me an outside line!

39300:16:48,073 --> 00:16:49,575What does this button mean?!

39400:16:49,575 --> 00:16:51,577I've never heard that sound before!

39500:16:51,577 --> 00:16:53,078It's not a busy signal.

39600:16:53,078 --> 00:16:55,080It's more like a... a beep-beep, beep-beep...

39700:16:55,080 --> 00:16:56,081That's funny.

39800:16:56,081 --> 00:16:59,084I could've sworn I put my glasses down right here.

39900:16:59,084 --> 00:17:01,587I was reading the paper and then I got up... hmm.

400

00:17:08,594 --> 00:17:10,095Step right up...!

40100:17:13,599 --> 00:17:15,601DOGBERT: Step right up.

40200:17:15,601 --> 00:17:18,103Knock a street urchin off a beam with a baseball and win a toy.

40300:17:18,103 --> 00:17:20,606

Watch how easy it is to win.

40400:17:29,114 --> 00:17:30,115Come on, folks.

40500:17:30,115 --> 00:17:31,116Don't be shy.



40600:17:31,116 --> 00:17:33,118Bean a street urchin with a baseball.

40700:17:33,118 --> 00:17:34,620They look innocent,

40800:17:34,620 --> 00:17:37,122but you know they've done something to deserve it.

40900:17:37,122 --> 00:17:38,624What about you, sir?

41000:17:38,624 --> 00:17:40,125That is disgusting.

41100:17:40,125 --> 00:17:41,627You mean to say,

41200:17:41,627 --> 00:17:43,629if I hit one of those kids with a baseball

41300:17:43,629 --> 00:17:45,631I could win some of this stuff?

41400:17:45,631 --> 00:17:47,633That's the premise.

415

00:17:47,633 --> 00:17:50,636Isn't that my camera and my binoculars

41600:17:50,636 --> 00:17:52,137and my CD Player?

41700:17:52,137 --> 00:17:53,639Tell you what I'll do.

41800:17:53,639 --> 00:17:56,642

You hit one kid in the noggin with one baseball

41900:17:56,642 --> 00:17:59,645and I'll give you all the prizes close the booth and go home.

42000:17:59,645 --> 00:18:01,146All THE PRIZES?



42100:18:01,146 --> 00:18:02,648Is there an echo in here?

42200:18:02,648 --> 00:18:04,650All right, I'll take a shot.

42300:18:06,652 --> 00:18:08,654[CHILDREN CRYING AND SCREAMING]

42400:18:18,163 --> 00:18:19,665[CHILD MOANS IN PAIN]

42500:18:19,665 --> 00:18:21,166[CHILD FALLS TO GROUND]

42600:18:21,166 --> 00:18:22,668Step right up.

42700:18:22,668 --> 00:18:23,669Everybody plays.

42800:18:23,669 --> 00:18:25,170Only I win.

42900:18:25,170 --> 00:18:27,673Oh, that looks good.

430

00:18:27,673 --> 00:18:29,174[CHUCKLING]

43100:18:29,174 --> 00:18:30,676How do they do that?

43200:18:30,676 --> 00:18:32,177Hi! Hi!

43300:18:32,177 --> 00:18:33,679

[CHUCKLING]

43400:18:33,679 --> 00:18:35,180Oh, something smells good.

43500:18:35,180 --> 00:18:36,181Whoa.



43600:18:36,181 --> 00:18:39,184I am just about partied out.

43700:18:39,184 --> 00:18:41,186Oh, brother, I've got to sit down.

43800:18:46,692 --> 00:18:49,194Oh... oh, nobody's sitting here.

43900:18:49,194 --> 00:18:51,697I'll just take a load off till I get chased away.

44000:18:51,697 --> 00:18:53,699[CHUCKLING]

44100:18:55,200 --> 00:18:58,704music La, dee-da, la, dee-da music

44200:19:07,212 --> 00:19:09,715Get a shot of the idiot on the dunking tank.

44300:19:19,224 --> 00:19:21,727Well, hi, everybody!

44400:19:21,727 --> 00:19:23,228[GUNS COCKING]

445

00:19:27,232 --> 00:19:29,735Oh, my God, they've killed the boss!

44600:19:35,741 --> 00:19:37,242There's no pulse!

44700:19:37,242 --> 00:19:39,745Are you sure he had one before?

44800:19:39,745 --> 00:19:42,247

He's not breathing!

44900:19:42,247 --> 00:19:44,249Do you know what this means?

45000:19:44,249 --> 00:19:45,250What does it mean?



45100:19:45,250 --> 00:19:47,753Three-day weekend, maybe more.

45200:19:47,753 --> 00:19:49,254Somebody's going to have to give him

45300:19:49,254 --> 00:19:51,256mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

45400:19:51,256 --> 00:19:52,257[ALL GASPING]

45500:19:52,257 --> 00:19:54,760Great.

45600:19:56,261 --> 00:19:59,765CROWD: Whoo!

45700:19:59,765 --> 00:20:01,266Stop that.

45800:20:14,780 --> 00:20:16,281Well, I'll be.

45900:20:16,281 --> 00:20:18,283Who would've guessed it?

460

00:20:18,283 --> 00:20:20,786I've been date raped by Dilbert.

46100:20:20,786 --> 00:20:21,787No, no, you were drowning.

46200:20:21,787 --> 00:20:23,288I saved you.

46300:20:23,288 --> 00:20:25,290

So you didn't slip me a mickey

46400:20:25,290 --> 00:20:26,792and have your way with me?

46500:20:26,792 --> 00:20:27,793No.



46600:20:27,793 --> 00:20:29,294Well, that's a first.

46700:20:29,294 --> 00:20:30,796You're a hero now.

46800:20:30,796 --> 00:20:32,297How does it feel?

46900:20:32,297 --> 00:20:33,298Strangely good--

47000:20:33,298 --> 00:20:35,300Except for the smell of chili dogs

47100:20:35,300 --> 00:20:36,802that I may never forget.

47200:20:36,802 --> 00:20:37,803You saw it live--

47300:20:37,803 --> 00:20:40,806One man, acting against his own interests

47400:20:40,806 --> 00:20:42,808to help his fellow man

475

00:20:42,808 --> 00:20:44,810nothing to gain but the knowledge

47600:20:44,810 --> 00:20:47,813that he helped another human being in some small way.

47700:20:47,813 --> 00:20:49,815What you have witnessed is nothing less

47800:20:49,815 --> 00:20:52,818

than the complete rebirth of the spirit of giving.

47900:20:52,818 --> 00:20:56,321[CHOKED UP] That's all... from here.

48000:20:56,321 --> 00:20:57,823Yeah!



48100:20:57,823 --> 00:20:58,824Way to go!

48200:20:58,824 --> 00:21:00,826That was beautiful.

48300:21:00,826 --> 00:21:02,327Okay, pack it up.

48400:21:02,327 --> 00:21:04,830We got a cat stuck in drainpipe across town.

48500:21:06,832 --> 00:21:07,833If I'm not mistaken

48600:21:07,833 --> 00:21:10,836you just performed an act of charity...

48700:21:10,836 --> 00:21:13,338without DRAINING YOUR BANK ACCOUNT.

48800:21:13,338 --> 00:21:15,340Yeah... so...?

48900:21:15,340 --> 00:21:17,342I believe I've made my point.

490

00:21:22,347 --> 00:21:26,351I just wanted to hear you admit it.

49100:21:26,351 --> 00:21:28,854[LAUGHING]

49200:21:28,854 --> 00:21:31,857That woman does not LIKE TO LOSE AN ARGUMENT.

49300:21:39,865 --> 00:21:42,868

[HUMMING]

49400:21:42,868 --> 00:21:44,369Huh.

49500:21:44,369 --> 00:21:45,871Hmm...



49600:21:45,871 --> 00:21:46,872Shoo.

49700:21:48,874 --> 00:21:51,877All right, I'm not the organic matter you think I am

49800:21:51,877 --> 00:21:54,379despite anything you hear from my employees.

49900:21:58,884 --> 00:22:01,386I'm going to need another plaque!

50000:22:09,895 --> 00:22:12,397[music]

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