Core slide –it is recommended that you include in presentation · Slide Type: Core slide –it is...

Slide Type: Core slide – it is recommended that you include in presentation

Slide Objective: This is an introductory slide to introduce the topic of Effective Communication Skills for Couples

Talking Points: Introduce the topic of communication among couples

Notes to Facilitator on How to Use this Presentation:

• Within the speaker’s notes for each slide, you will find relevant information for the slide’s content, including suggested background information, talking points, questions to ask the group and additional resources for reference. You may consider reviewing one of the following books for additional information on couples communication: Couple Skills: Making Your Relationship Work by McKay, Fanning & Paleg or Couples in Treatment by Weeks & Fife. (full citations are included in the bibliography)

• In the speaker’s notes, the text is formatted in the following manner:

• Bolded text – Key talking points to include for each slide

• Additional text – Background information and additional points of clarification or examples

• Italicized text – Background information that you may want to read aloud or paraphrase to the group members

• Please note several slides have been labeled as supplementary because they contain additional information that may be useful to present but the slide is not critical to the

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module. Please use these additional slides as time permits to provide additional screening questions or practice new skills

• Ideally, each training session should last 30‐45 minutes with a group of 4‐8 people

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Slide Type: Core slide – it is recommended that you include in presentation of this module

Slide Objective: This slide acknowledges DHA

Talking Points: This presentation is a DHA resource

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Slide Type: Supplemental slide – it is optional

Slide Objective: This is an introductory slide to introduce the learning modules within the Effective Communication Skills for Couples presentation

Talking Points: Learning objectives for the entire course

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Slide Type: Supplemental slide – it is optional

Slide Objective: This is an introductory slide to introduce the course modules

Talking Points: List the topics of each module within the course

IMAGE: Tech. Sgt. Todd Kabalan

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Slide Objective: Transition slide to the topic of Active Listening

Talking Points:

Introduce Active Listening

Couples who receive psychoeducation about their relationships are less likely to divorce (Rogge, R. D., Cobb, R. J., Lawrence, E., Johnson, M. D., & Bradbury, T. N. (2013). Is skills training necessary for the primary prevention of marital distress and dissolution? A 3‐year experimental study of three interventions. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 81(6), 949‐961)

IMAGE: Thinkstockphotos

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Slide Objective: Introduce one of the four significant blocks to listening

Talking Points:

Rehearsing

• Not listening to your partner because you are mentally rehearsing what you are going to say in response to their statement.

• Sue and Steve are discussing who should take Sam to the baseball game after school. As Sue explains her argument, Steve is thinking of reasons why he can’t take Sam to the game, so he can clearly state his case. He is so focused on his counterargument that he doesn’t hear Sue’s concerns.

Citation: McKay, M., Fanning, P., & Paleg, K. (2006). Couple Skills: Making your relationship work. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.

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Talking Points:

Filtering

• Selectively listening to your partner.

• Bill and Barb are discussing their plans for the long weekend. When Bill says he wants to spend one of the days with his buddies, Barb doesn’t seem to hear him. On Saturday morning, Barb is surprised when Bill kisses her goodbye and announces that he will be back in time for dinner.


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Talking Points:

Judging

• Examples include listening to the conversation until you decide that your someone is “stupid” or “self‐involved” or listening only to get more evidence that they are “stupid” or “self‐involved.”

• Sam was convinced that Matt was the unit ‘idiot’. Although Sam would sometimes talk to Matt, he was really just adding the content of each conversation to the list of reasons why Matt was a burden to the unit.


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Talking Points:

Sparring

• Focus is on disagreeing, arguing, and debating not on listening.

• No matter what Joyce brings up – the children, money or family‐ Ted starts ranting about his ideas regardless of how Joyce tries to explain

• In short, some individuals approach most conversations as opportunities to argue (This style is more common in troubled relationships)


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Slide Objective: Introduce the definition of Active Listening

Talking Points:

Dr. Carl Rogers, a psychologist, coined the term Active Listening

• Specific communication skill

• Requires free and undivided attention

Listening is the most important communication skill.

Seek to hear what your partner is saying without communication blocks.

Active listening has many benefits

• Greater understanding of your partner

• Enhanced enjoyment of the relationship

• Understand your partner’s thoughts and actions

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Active listening means you want to better understand or enjoy or learn from or help your partner.

For many couples, true listening is uncommon. Learn to focus the intention of your listening on better understanding your partner and their experience.


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Slide Objective: Introduce whole messages

Talking Points:

Whole Messages have four components. Communications among intimates are “clean” and much less likely to result in miscommunications when all four parts are included. Other problematic styles result in miscommunication and include partial messages (which leave out one or more components) and contaminated messages (mix or mislabel components)

• Observations

• Statements of fact, neutral, no judgments

• “Yesterday it rained all morning” or “ My new class starts tomorrow”

• Thoughts

• Beliefs, opinions, theories

• “ I suspect that…” or “My sense is that…”

• Feelings

• Emotional state.

• “I feel disappointed” or “I miss you”

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• Needs

• Statement of need.

• “I would like you to call when you are late” or “I would like to spend more time talking with you”

If Time Allows:

Have group members practice using whole messages using a disagreement from their relationship during the last week.

If they do not have a ready example. Consider a recent argument about:

• Who will drive the kid(s) to practice or an event

• Where to go for the holidays

• Whether to go out to dinner or order takeout


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Slide Objective: Introduce the win‐win approach

Talking Points:

Couples who use healthy coping strategies report that they are more satisfied with their relationships (Buzzella, B. A., Whitton, S. W., & Tompson, M. C. (2012). A preliminary evaluation of a relationship education program for male same‐sex couples. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 1(4), 306‐322).

Approach communication as a win‐win, no one should lose.

Each person should compromise or give something to find a middle ground.


IMAGE: Thinkstockphotos

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Slide Objective: Introduce the communication guidelines

Talking Points:

Simple guidelines to help maintain a calm and productive conversation:

• Use open body language

• Describe your feelings

• Use “I” statements

• Focus on the current issue

• Use whole messages

• Be clear and specific

The “Don’t” column provides additional clarification of what not to do during conversations.


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Slide Objective: Introduce the communication guidelines

Talking Points:

These guidelines are focused on couples communication and connection. Gottman suggests that partners often make efforts to communicate and connect but those bids must be met in ways that further connection. If bids (or efforts) to connect are not met these opportunities are lost and contribute to conflict and disconnection.

When connecting or communicating with your partner, keep the following principles in mind:

• Be Mindful

• Pay attention to him/her

• Focus on your shared awareness and shared experience

• Be aware of your partner’s efforts to connect with you, try to be present and notice their efforts

• Start on a positive note

• Open the conversation with a compliment or appreciation. Often, we open the

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conversation with a complaint or accusation. Opening the conversation with a complaint will immediately put the person on the defensive and serve to shut down a purposeful conversation

• Make an effort to open with a compliment or share something that you appreciate about your partner

• Alternatively, you can start with an “I” statement rather than a “you” statement

• “You came home late and you never called, You made me worry for no reason” is not as helpful as “ I was really worried when you were late”

• Use helpful complaints

• State your needs without attacking, or state your side as you perspective

• Focus on specific behaviors which can be corrected rather than making global statements

• “You are so cold” is less helpful than “Sometimes, when I snuggle with you, you seem tense”

• Take a break if you feel overwhelmed

• At times, we may be overwhelmed with emotion, especially when discussing certain issues or issues with a long history

• It is okay to take a break and continue the discussion later after you have calmed down

• Be sure to tell your partner that you need a break and will come back to discuss after you have calmed down

• Approach the conflict through self‐disclosure and connection, don’t avoid difficult conversations

• Although it is easier to avoid the important conversation, that will not be helpful long‐term and will contribute to tension

• It is much better to discuss the issue openly, learn more about your partner’s perspective and work on common understanding

Citation: Gottman, J. M. & DeClaire, J. (2001). The Relationship Cure: A Five‐step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships. New York, NY: Harmony Publishers.

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Slide Objective: Introduce the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Talking Points:

In Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, he states that these styles of communication predict relationship failure. These behaviors are associated with unhealthy patterns of interaction in couples.

• Criticism

• Criticizing your partner rather than critiquing a specific behavior (“Why are you so …?”)

• You may criticize the behavior “You were late coming home and you didn’t call me” OR “You didn’t run the dishwasher” but you don’t need to critique the person such as “You are so inconsiderate! You never call when you are late” or “Why are you so lazy! You can’t even turn on the dishwasher”

• Instead, try to share your feelings with your partner in a positive way

• Contempt

• Attacking your partner’s sense of self (insults, hostile humor or mockery)

• These statements display contempt and may include: eye rolling, name calling,

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sneering or mocking. For example “You are such an idiot!”

• Instead of showing contempt, try to show appreciation and respect for your partner

• Defensiveness

• Seeing self as the victim, warding off attack (It’s not my fault… yes, but…)

• This is a form of self‐protection, as you attempt to ward off a possible attack. This is really just blaming your partner and denying responsibility. This also includes cross‐complaining (complaining about your partner or blaming them for your behavior)

• Stonewalling

• Withdrawal from relationship or discussion (silent treatment)

• There are many ways to stonewall your partner, but essentially you withdraw yourself from the interaction

• Instead of stonewalling, ask to take a break from the conversation and resume the talk later after you have calmed down

Citation: Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1995). Why marriages succeed or fail: And how you can make yours last. New York, NY: Simon and Schuster.

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Slide Objective: Explain antidotes to the Gottman’s Four Horsemen

Talking Points:

In Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, he states that these styles of communication predict relationship failure. These practical tips for everyday interaction are examples of using the communication guidelines and help promote healthy communication

• Criticism

• You may criticize the behavior “You were late coming home and you didn’t call me” OR “You didn’t run the dishwasher” but you don’t need to critique the person such as “You are so inconsiderate! You never call when you are late” or “Why are you so lazy! You can’t even turn on the dishwasher”

• Instead, try to share your feelings with your partner in a positive way

• Contempt

• These statements display contempt and may include: eye rolling, name calling, sneering or mocking. For example “You are such an idiot!”

• Instead of showing contempt, try to show appreciation and respect for your

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partner


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Slide Objective: Explain antidotes to the Gottman’s Four Horsemen

Talking Points:

In Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, he states that these styles of communication predict relationship failure. These practical tips for everyday interaction are examples of using the communication guidelines and help promote healthy communication

• Defensiveness

• This is a form of self‐protection, as you attempt to ward off a possible attack. This is really just blaming your partner and denying responsibility. This also includes cross‐complaining (complaining about your partner or blaming them for your behavior)

• Instead of being defensive, try to accept responsibility for your share

• Stonewalling

• Withdrawal from relationship or discussion (silent treatment) There are many ways to stonewall your partner, but essentially you withdraw yourself from the interaction

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• Instead of stonewalling, ask to take a break from the conversation and resume the talk later after you have calmed down


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Slide Objective: Introduce a strategy for effective constructive communications

Talking Points:

Use of healthy communication strategies and increases in positive communication has been shown to increase marital satisfaction Relative contributions of treatment‐related changes in communication skills and dyadic coping skills to the longitudinal course of marriage in the framework of marital distress prevention

(Bodenmann, G., Bradbury, T. N., & Pihet, S. (2008). Relative contributions of treatment‐related changes in communication skills and dyadic coping skills to the longitudinal course of marriage in the framework of marital distress prevention. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 50(1), 1‐21).

This is a helpful formula for you to use when you need to speak with your partner about a concern you may have:

• Start with “I feel…”

• “Because I…”

• “What I want is…”

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Citation: Robinson, J. (2012). Communication miracles for couples: Easy and effective tools to create more love and less conflict. San Francisco, CA: Conari Press.

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Slide Type: Do not show this slide – it is for reference only

Slide Objective: Bibliography

Facilitator Note: This slide provides citations for the most important references for the entire presentation.

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Slide Type: Do not show this slide – it is for reference only

Slide Objective: Bibliography

Facilitator Note: This slide provides citations for the most important references for the entire presentation.

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Slide Type: Supplemental Slide – it is optional

Slide Objective: Transition to Appendix A

Talking Point:

The following slides list a number of behavioral health resources which are likely to be useful for those who want to seek help for effective communication.

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Website dedicated to supporting service members, veterans, families and health care providers serving the military community; the site is intended to provide information, assessments, self‐management tools and videos for common behavioral health problems in the military community

Web‐based, self‐care solutions targeting mental health problems commonly faced following a deployment

Provides research and best practices for delivering online mental health resources to service members, their families and veterans

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A voluntary program to provide behavioral health care support to service members and veterans as they move between health care systems or providers

Personal coaches, along with resources and tools, assist service members during the transition period, empowering them to make healthy life choices, and are available 24/7 via toll‐free call

Coaches help referring providers ensure service members continue their treatment

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Ways Military OneSource serves and supports the military community:

• A single source of information and assistance for service members and military families alike – because families are critical to readiness.

• Military OneSource offers private, discreet, individualized support through non‐medicalcounseling and consultations.

• Military OneSource services are no cost and tailored to the situation.

• Information and resources are trustworthy, because they come from the Department of Defense.

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