Cookies & Cream · Cookies & Cream - Dealing with Difficult VIP's; by Loren Acuña Emmanuel U-Turn...

8/29/2018

Cookies and Cream ‐ Dealing with Difficult VIP's by Loren Acuña Emmanuel 1

Cookies & CreamDealing With Difficult VIP’s ………….

Clients, Beneficiaries, Stakeholders

Loren A. EmmanuelMBA, CLPF #534

(formerly Loren Acuña)

The ACE Fiduciary Group101 Gregory Lane, Suite 51Pleasant Hill, Ca 94523Tel. (877) 906‐1882

[email protected]

Cookies & Cream - Dealing with Difficult VIP's; by Loren Acuña Emmanuel

Research

Experience


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What We Will Cover


Who is a difficult person?

How does stress affect us?

When do we negotiate with difficult people?

What is our arena of control?

Where Are The Cookies & Cream? Practice skills and take away tools.

“When a person has access to both

the intuitive, creative, and

visual

Right Brain and

the analytical, logical, verbal,

��,

then the Whole Brain is working.

This tool is best suited to the reality of what life is, because life is not just logical – it is also emotional.”

~Steven Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People


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The Parable of Bones


When We Think of a Difficult Person –


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How Can We Define a Difficult Person?

Someone who does something that hurts, bothers, annoys or angers you - especially on a regular basis.

YOU THEM


How Can We Define a Difficult Person?

Someone who does something that hurts, bothers, annoys or angers you -especially on a regular basis. Notice who is having the reaction – You. Notice that the threshold for defining a

difficult person depends upon whose perception – Yours.

You contribute to the situation through your perceptions, reactions, and role.


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How Does Role Impact?

You are the Trustee and your difficult person is a beneficiary?

You are the Conservator and your difficult person is the Conservatee?

You are a professional and the attorney is the difficult person?

You are an attorney and your client is the difficult person?


What About Type of Relationship?

Spouse vs BART rider?

Sister vs co-worker?

Parent vs client?


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“It’s Not Personal, It’s Business”

When the relationship is personal, the stakes are much higher.

When the interaction is more regular, there is potentially deeper personal impact.

When we are invested in being “right”, the interaction can become more difficult.


How Does Stress Affect Us?


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How Does Stress Affect Us?


How Do We Handle Our Own Stress? Am I a Stress Dweller or a Stress Manager?

How Do Our Feelings Affect The Situation? Do I identify and take charge of my own feelings?

How Do We Handle Stress? Am I a stress dweller or stress manager?

Stress dwellers live in a trap – they expect others to take the blame.

they operate under - -

False

Expectations

Appearing

Real Stress dwellers feed on negative expectations and

become stuck in a box they built.


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How Do We Handle Stress?



Practice Being A Stress Manager. I cannot fix other people.

They may be in my “story” to teach me something.

Observe another’s actions rather than assuming reasons.

Identify my feelings and needs. See list in Extra Goodies.

Imagine life as if the need is fulfilled.

Act consistently with integrity.

Cultivating these skills can help us maintain equanimity within a variety of relationships.


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What About Feelings? Sad

Depressed

Despairing

Gloomy

Helpless

Lonely

Miserable

Troubled

Tired Bored

Exhausted

Fatigued

Confused Hesitant

Uneasy

Skeptical

Perplexed


Mad/Angry Agitated

Enraged

Furious

Grouchy

Impatient

Scared Anxious

Fearful

Insecure

Jealous

Nervous

Terrified

Worried

Glad Blissful Delighted Ecstatic Grateful Hopeful Inspired Proud

Interested Absorbed Curious Eager Fascinated Intrigued Involved

Loving Friendly

Open

Passionate

Tender

Trusting

Warm

Playful Energetic

Exuberant

Impish

Lively

Peaceful Content

Relaxed

Relieved

Serene



I practice being a stress manager.

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How Do We Handle Conflict?

Collaborator vs Expert Authority


How Do We Handle Conflict?

When We See Ourselves as Expert Authority Our authority will be questioned.

Our expertise will be challenged.

Our agenda will be derailed.

When We See Ourselves as Collaborators We can feel and be less protected.

We can become mired in another person’s agenda.

We can be accused of not doing our job.


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What Creates Best Collaborations?


What Creates The Best Collaborations?

Knowing my role.Knowing my expertise.Setting reasonable expectations.Trusting the other parties to know theirs.Honoring the other people for their

contributions.Developing and earning respect over time.Giving space to each to do their best job.


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When is Collaboration a Problem?


When is Collaboration a Problem?

If parties in conflict think I am “aligned” when I express the empathy, honor or trust needed to build good relationships.

Open communication is often not possible with conflicting parties.

Can we collaborate with “crazy” people?


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What if Collaboration Does Not Work?

Try moving them with empathetic communication skills.



Try moving them with empathetic communication skills.

M = Mirror them, Match them.O = Over and over until understanding is

reached.V = Values that are acknowledged can

provide new foundations.E = Expectations. Set them by how we

interact as well as what we say.


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Practice - MOVE One is the story “teller”, the other the “witness”.

The teller offers a short picture of something they experienced with high emotion, perhaps frustrating.

The witness repeats the last three words, and pauses. The story teller continues, until emotion is spent and story is

told.

The witness then summarizes and labels what they heard. “It sounds like you are feeling ____ about __”

If the witness can find a common value and shares what they heard as an expressed value, Gold!

The teller, provides feedback as to whether they felt heard, corrects any misunderstanding.

Good work if they say “That’s right!”



Difficult people do not often engage in collaborative efforts. Learn to recognize “Crazymakers” to protect

your charges and yourself.


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Difficult people do not often engage in collaborative efforts.

Learn to recognize “Crazymakers” to protect your charges and yourself.

Crazymakers**Catch phrase for people leaning towards toxic personality disorders coined by Paul Meir, MD, author of book by same title.


Crazymakers –Catch phrase for people leaning towards toxic personality disorders.

People who are relationally incapacitated by Insensitivity, lying, careless, tactless, self-absorbed, condemning,

harsh, neglectful, manipulative responses. Emotionally challenged. They often do not realize how serious the

issues are between them and others. Often blame others.

May have a toxic personality disorder 1 in 5 people have a personality disorder. 12% of population is diagnosable as narcissistic or borderline*.

*“Toxic People: Living & Working With High Conflict Individuals”, Joseph Shannon, Ph.D., Institute for Brain Potential.

The Sociopath Next Door, Stout, M. (2005), Broadway Books, NY

Careers most likely to attract sociopaths include those with powerful positions, sometimes the surprise is a gotcha!


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CrazymakersCatch phrase for people leaning towards toxic personality disorders



Power & Control Waive A Red Flag.

Much Higher Likelihood of Litigation


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Power & Control Waive A Red Flag Appalling lack of empathy.

Excessive need to win or be right at all costs.

Extra strong sense of entitlement.

Communication Is Much More Difficult Public persona is often a nice patina over black hole.

Any type of constructive criticism, boundary setting, or feeling “not special” or public shame can set off a “Crazymaker”.

Much Higher Likelihood of Litigation


When Litigation Is A Factor

“Civility is more critical to the mediation process than to any other form of dispute resolution.” Mark LeHocky, Mediator & Arbitrator

“90% of all filed civil cases never go to trial or arbitration. Practicing civility through the life of dispute – is key to successful outcomes.

Mark LeHocky, Mediator & Arbitrator

“When you are called as a witness in a jury trial, think of the opposing lawyer as your friend.”

Victor A. Segovia, Trial Attorney


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Case StudyBattling Benes of Cherry Creeko You have been asked to serve as a neutral fiduciary for an

elderly woman with 4 adult children. Dad and mom had it all together and were planners. After dad died, the family began to decide how to best help 78 year old mom with a quickly progressing dementia.

o Dad planned to cut off fighting between the kids by having a financial plan with annuities and naming all 4 children as co-trustees………………….requiring unanimous consent.

o Fighting among themselves, the children spent over $100,000 of parents money on attorneys before you enter as the neutral trustee and guardian.

o Discuss how you would handle communication in this situation among your table mates.


When We See Ourselves as anExpert Authority

When We See Ourselves as Expert Authority Our authority will be questioned.

Our expertise will be challenged.

Our agenda will be derailed by difficult people.

YOU are sensible.YOU have a plan.YOU are responsible.


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What About A U-Turn?U (You Pause)T – Take stockU – UnderstandingR – RapportN – Needs


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U-Turn

T – Take stock of others.Observe their behavior.

Do not interpret their reasons.

Do not judge them.

What change in their behavior do I desire?

This is not usually the time to state my needs.

This is the time to listen and observe.


U-Turn

U – Understanding

Understand we may not get our first choice.We always have a choice.

Seek to understand the difficult person.They have their own story.


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U-Turn R – Rapport

Rapport is the key to building trust.When two people see each other’s viewpoint;

appreciate each other’s feelings; and, accept the other person, this builds rapport.

Rapport is the foundation of relationships. It’s like meeting someone in their imaginary world.

Re-gaining rapport is high benefit to professionals. Affords an opportunity to influence future

communication with difficult people.

A stress manager will work to re-gain rapport before continuing with or updating their agenda.


U-TurnN – Needs

All actions are attempts to meet a universal need.

Needs equals values.

Identifying needs builds towards next steps.

Identify your own needs.

Attempt to discover their needs.

Identifying common ground over values is gold.

Can further develop rapport

Paves the way for next steps.

Can lead to collaboration rather than conflict.


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What Do We Need? Connection

Being heard

Closeness

Harmony

Help

Intimacy

Love

Sexual Expression

Leisure

Humor

Joy

Play/Fun

Pleasure


Autonomy Choice

Ease

Freedom

Power

Community Belonging

Equality

Inclusion

Mutuality

Sharing

To Matter Be trusted

Care

Kindness

Respect

Sense of Self Dignity

Growth

Healing

Integrity

Subsistence Air

Food

Health

Sleep

Shelter

Water

Touch

Security Order

Peace

Protection

Safety

Trust

Transcendence Beauty

Faith

Flow

Hope

Inspiration

Mourning

Presence

Understanding Awareness

Clarity

Discovery

Learning

Meaning Aliveness

Celebration

Challenge

Creativity

Purpose


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What Else Can We Do?


Be a Swiss Mocha Espresso.

What Else Can We Do? Be a Swiss Mocha Espresso.

Do your job – do your best to be neutral.

Listen to your feelings.

Identify your pain – anger, fear, inadequate, frustration, hurt, etc. There is no need to describe or express them here, only find your real feelings –which are a clue to your needs.

Don’t take other people’s behavior personally.When upset, take some time before talking.

Do damage assessment – what has actually been damaged?

Take Steps to Protect Yourself.


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What Is Our Area of Control?


We can set an agenda and boundaries.

What Is Our Area of Control?

Area of Expertise, as fiduciary:Exercise good judgment.

Communicate with difficult people.

Knowing your responsibilities and role makes for better end results.

We can hire and fire vendors. We can decline or resign. We can set boundaries on how we will communicate

with the difficult person. We can set or change the agenda.


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Protect Yourself & Others


Hire and listen to qualified attorney and advisors.

Protect Yourself & Others Protect Yourself

Make careful notes – See Extra Goodies for sample.

Maintain sense of your own abilities.

Determine alternatives.

Use appropriate expressions of anger.

Understand risks of power differences Take in information, but don’t share unless required.

Discuss but don’t argue. Avoid direct confrontation.

Plant a fence and be ready to stick with it or leave.

Hire and listen to qualified attorney and advisors.


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Case Study Cont.Battling Benes of Cherry Creeko Begin with an introduction letter to outline your role,

as appointed by court.

o Due to animosity and a vacant home, the locks on the home are changed without notice.o Red flag is up and battle begins.

o What are some techniques that can help in dealing with highly volatile people?


Role Play – The Cream

One person plays the part of Livid Lydia.

One person plays the part of Controlling Claire.

One person plays the part of Self-Righteous Ruth.

One person plays the part of Narcissistic Nick.

One brave soul plays the role of Fiduciary who needs to explain that the family home needs to be sold to pay for mom’s care.


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Where Are The Cookies?


Where Are The Cookies?

Establish roles early in the case.

Offer hopeful yet reasonable expectations.

Ask for and listen to your attorney’s advice.

Consider options & ask for reasons.

Instead of being the “Crazymaker” in the room . . . Be a stress manager.

When our agenda is challenged - Consider if a U-TURN will MOVE you closer towards

collaboration.

Remember, our job is to decide and document. Cultivate good communication skills to use with all clients,

stakeholders, attorneys, vendors and beneficiaries.


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Extra Goodies In Handouts

BayNVC.org – Feelings Word List BayNVC.org – Needs Word ListCase Study Sample Letter Trustee Decision Documentation SampleGood Judgement Is Sensible For Further Reading


Questions?


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