Conscious Blame

Change Your Story & Change Your Life:The Power of Forgiveness & “Conscious Blaming”

Everyone experiences pain, disappointment, frustration, and injustice. The difference in the quality of our lives ultimately is not what happens to us, but the meaning that we give to those experiences that shape the quality of our lives.

We all know that blaming someone, resenting or hating them for anything that they’ve done, no matter how unjust or unfair is a destructive force in our own life and growth. Yet, so many people find it virtually impossible to forgive or forget. What most people are really good at is blaming—we’ve practiced those skills for years. Why? Because in each one of us, there’s a deep fear that we’re not enough—not rich enough, smart enough, funny enough, handsome/pretty enough, creative enough—and our fear is that if we’re not enough, we won’t be loved. These twin fears cause us to look for something or someone to blame whenever we have pain. Don’t get me wrong; someone may have truly injured you physically or emotionally. But, what if we lived in a world where there were no victims, only volunteers?

In order to make progress, we have to divorce the story that we are a helpless victim, which is the story behind blaming someone else for anything that happens in our life. If we’re going to blame them for all of the bad things that have happened to us, we have to blame them for all of the good that’s come from our interactions with them, including all of the growth that’s a result of all of those painful interactions.

What if life was always happening for you not to you? It’s an interesting way of looking at life. To get to that point, you might first need to use your blaming power in a new way. Is there a significant event in your life—an experience, a relationship, an interaction—that you have an extremely difficult time getting over? Something so painful, so hurtful, that you store blame, frustration, anger, resentment or even hate towards the event and/or that person?

One of the biggest problems we have is that we think we’re not supposed to have problems. Yet problems often are the way in which life or Our Creator offers us a chance to grow spiritually, to find a deeper meaning that frees us, not just from this event, but any event like it that could happen in the future.

Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.

—NELSON MANDELA

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In order to accomplish this, I’ve created a very simple four-phase process to help you divorce your story of limitation and marry the truth of your greater strength and power that’s inside you. To not only forgive, but more importantly, to move on and make use of whatever has happened in your life and for a greater good not only for yourself, but your children, your family, and anyone who’s involved in your purpose or mission.

This four-phase process really comes down to answering a few questions that help you to first identify the story that may be limiting you. The story might be true, but there’s another version of the same story. Some people’s story is that their parents beat them and abused them, and that’s why they can never have a relationship. Other people’s story is that their parents beat and abused them and that’s why they cherish their relationships and have such deep and rich ones. We change our life when we change our story.

In Phase II, you will answer a few questions that will help you to change your story and change your life. Phase III will help you create a new empowering story and Phase IV is a chance for you to pay it forward, and make a difference for yourself and those who you’ve blamed in the past.

Most importantly, if you watch the video first, you’ll get to experience this process first hand—I highly encourage it, you may find it helpful and perhaps even moving.

Enjoy and I’d love to hear your comments after you finish the process, as well as after you do the homework going forward. This simple tool has been a great gift in so many people’s lives, and I hope you share it with others who can make a difference.

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Who do you blame?

Your Old StoryI

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What’s an event in your past that you thought messed up your life? What was the impact of that event on your life up until today?

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What do you blame them for?

As a result, what is the impact on your life? How has it affected you negatively?

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What emotions have you lived with because of the limitations of that story?

What is the significant core story of your life? What needs (certainty, uncertainty/variety, significance, love/connection, growth and/or contribution) have you met by having this story? How has this story affected your life?

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If in truth, life happens for us, not to us, if everything happens for a reason, for a purpose, and it serves us, if you could have the perspective of God, what would you say is the good you could see in the difficulty, pain or tragedy? It’s been said that out of injustice, good must come. What good can you pull of it right now? How are you stronger, more caring, more loving, more passionate, more driven, more generous, because others were not any of the above with you?

If your whole life had already transformed, and your life were spectacular today, and you knew that this painful event was meant to happen, and was there as a gift, what was the gift it brought you?

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Change Your Story, Change Your LifeII

Go on a rant. Don’t edit yourself; speak out loud if you want, as rapidly and intensely as you can. Answer this question: What’s complete bullshit about this whole story that’s limited you?3

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A story is nothing but a pattern of talking about the past. We tell the same story, in the same way over and over again. It’s hard to create a new pattern until you first destroy or “scramble” the old one. If you took an audio CD and a needle and scribbled across it dozens of times, it will never play the same way again, and you’d be open to listening to something new. That’s what you have to do with your old story: Scramble it. Here’s some ways that we’d like you to try it:

• Tell your old story as if you’re a spoiled brat – whine, stomp, pound your firsts – I know it sounds ridiculous, but that’s the point!

• Sing the old story like a country western song. “My boyfriend left me, and my dog did too…” ☺

• Sing the old story like a rap song.• Say the story backwards.

Again, all of this sounds ridiculous, but if you do it over and over again, you won’t be able to tell the story the same way and it won’t make you feel the way it has in the past—it will free you.

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Your New StoryIIIIt’s not enough to realize that our old story is one-dimensional, single perspective, and complete bullshit; we need to replace the old story with a new, true, and empowering story. Ironically, the antithesis of your old story is typically the truth. If your old story was, “My mom abandoned me and left me, and that’s why I could never be happy.” The true story is, “My mom made the best decision she could at the time, and she showed me how to have the courage to do what’s difficult. Today, I’m a tough cookie because I don’t break from little problems. And much of the success and happiness I have in my life comes from my strength and my persistence.”

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What’s the truth? And what’s your new empowering story?

When we talk about blaming someone, remember, if you’re going to blame them for your problems, you have to blame them for your strengths. For example, if you’re going to blame them for not being there, then you have to blame them for the good that came from that, like your strength and independence. This is called consciously blaming, intelligently blaming, or effectively blaming. So what can you blame them for that’s beautiful? You may have blamed them before because they were never there, but now what you have to do is blame them for trusting you enough to let you make your own choices, so you can trust yourself later in life. Here’s your chance to do it.

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So, let’s do it! Three quick questions:

Because of what happened, what’s beautiful in your life today and why? How is your life greater today than it ever would have been if you didn’t have this experience, that you used to blame someone else for? 3

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Pay It Forward: Give A Gift and Strengthen Your Own GiftsYour Assignment

IIIIf you really want to make a difference, once you have a breakthrough or insight, the way to lock it home is to share it with others. The most important person you can share it with is the person that you used to blame ineffectively. Here’s what you want to do—go blame them! But go and blame them consciously and effectively. What does this mean? Call them up and say, “For weeks/months/years, I’ve been harboring these upsets with you, about a variety of things that I thought you should or should not have done, and recently I had a breakthrough and I want to share with you what I realized. I’ve been blaming you for all these things, but I’ve failed to blame you for always being there during the toughest times, I’ve failed to blame you for making me strong.”

Here’s the secret: Don’t do this expecting a response. Then you’re not giving a gift, you’re trying to do a trade, and people will feel that. Some people will say thank you, some will be silent, some will cry, some might say “screw you.” It breaks the pattern of what they expect from you. You’re not doing this to get something; you’re doing this to plant a seed in another person’s consciousness. This seed may not grow into a tree in the first conversation, it may take several months, or it could be immediate. At the very minimum, it frees you and gives someone else an opportunity to free themselves in the future if they choose to.

After you’ve done it, just answer three questions:

How did they react?1

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What was the impact?2

Live strong and live with passion. —ANTHONY ROBBINS

How did it affect you? 3

Again, I’d love to hear what your old story was, what your new story is, and how you freed yourself. If you want to email me at [email protected], I would love to hear your breakthrough. I can’t respond to each personally, but I will read them and respond back to as many as I can.

mailto:consciousblame%40tonyrobbins.com?subject=Conscious%20Blaming

Conscious Blame

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