Chill Skills: Anger Chill Skills: Anger Management and Management and

Conflict Conflict Resolution for Resolution for ProfessionalsProfessionals

Deborah Thomason Ed.D., CFLEDeborah Thomason Ed.D., CFLEProfessor & Extension SpecialistProfessor & Extension Specialist

Clemson UniversityClemson University

Conflict is a natural part of Conflict is a natural part of life. It is a normal outcome life. It is a normal outcome of human interaction. of human interaction.

Yet most of us have Yet most of us have negative associations with negative associations with conflict.conflict.

We tend to think of conflict We tend to think of conflict in terms of anger, hostility, in terms of anger, hostility, violence, stress, and fearviolence, stress, and fear

Individuals react to conflict in Individuals react to conflict in a variety of ways based on a variety of ways based on their prior experiences. their prior experiences.

Research indicates that Research indicates that conflict can result in a “win-conflict can result in a “win-win” situation which win” situation which benefits all parties involved.benefits all parties involved.

These materials are designed to These materials are designed to provide the knowledge and skills provide the knowledge and skills necessary to cope in a variety of necessary to cope in a variety of settings. settings.

The activities and content The activities and content materials are designed to enable materials are designed to enable participants to improve and participants to improve and strengthen their skills in strengthen their skills in communication, anger communication, anger management and interpersonal management and interpersonal relationships.relationships.

NEGATIVE vs. POSITIVENEGATIVE vs. POSITIVENegative (-) ConflictNegative (-) Conflict

• Interrupts normal relations Interrupts normal relations

• Provokes hurtful, personally harmful Provokes hurtful, personally harmful effects on the self-concept of the effects on the self-concept of the persons involvedpersons involved

• Causes resentment and hostilityCauses resentment and hostility

• Makes rational discussion difficult or Makes rational discussion difficult or impossibleimpossible

• Robs the time and energy of Robs the time and energy of everyone everyone

• Causes stress and resulting hardshipsCauses stress and resulting hardships

• Causes possible break-up of Causes possible break-up of relationshipsrelationships

NEGATIVE vs. POSITIVENEGATIVE vs. POSITIVE

Positive (+) ConflictPositive (+) Conflict• Helps people understand what Helps people understand what

others feel is importantothers feel is important• Helps define and clarify issues and Helps define and clarify issues and

valuesvalues• Can lead to a confrontation, which Can lead to a confrontation, which

can bring out ideas, issues, and can bring out ideas, issues, and values in a way which clears the airvalues in a way which clears the air

• Can bring a sense of respect to allCan bring a sense of respect to all• Can be the start of defining Can be the start of defining

adjusted or new goals, which are adjusted or new goals, which are more satisfactory to everyonemore satisfactory to everyone

Common Responses to Common Responses to ConflictConflict

• AvoidanceAvoidance – acknowledge a dispute, but – acknowledge a dispute, but move to remain uninvolved.move to remain uninvolved.

• AcceptanceAcceptance – recognize a conflict, but – recognize a conflict, but accept whatever solution emerges or is accept whatever solution emerges or is imposed.imposed.

• Denial Denial – actively refuse to acknowledge – actively refuse to acknowledge or play a part in resolving a conflict.or play a part in resolving a conflict.

• Enjoyment Enjoyment – some people benefit from a – some people benefit from a conflict and agitate or maintain conflict conflict and agitate or maintain conflict for the fun of it.for the fun of it.

• FlightFlight – actively remove oneself from a – actively remove oneself from a dispute.dispute.

Common Responses Common Responses • IgnoringIgnoring – act as if a dispute did not – act as if a dispute did not

exist.exist.

• ManagementManagement – acknowledge a – acknowledge a dispute, and act to control its impact. dispute, and act to control its impact. May or may not address any of the May or may not address any of the stated or underlying issues.stated or underlying issues.

• PromotionPromotion – parties with a serious – parties with a serious grievance and little power may feel grievance and little power may feel they need to agitate to get their they need to agitate to get their problems heard.problems heard.

• SuppressionSuppression – powerful parties may – powerful parties may use their influence to deny a problem use their influence to deny a problem and prevent a grievance from and prevent a grievance from surfacing.surfacing.

Conflict Conflict StylesStyles

Styles of Conflict Styles of Conflict ResolutionResolution

Forcing, Competing (SHARK)

Use of power

Crisis that needs immediate

decision; on way right

beyond doubt and stakes are

very high; goal is very

important but relationships

are not.

Styles of Conflict Styles of Conflict ResolutionResolution

Collaborating (OWL)Groups problem-solve together; bring up all relevant info; all parties recognize the abilities and expertise of the others; issue explored from all angles.

When commitment is necessary

from both sides; when time is

not critical; w

hen expertise is

needed from both sides; when

goal and relationships are highly

important.

Styles of Conflict Styles of Conflict ResolutionResolution

Bargaining; meeting each other half way

Compromising, Negotiation (FOX)

No hope of achieving mutually

satisfactory result; necessary

to forestall a win-lose

situation; resources are

limited; goal and relationship

are of moderate importance.

Styles of Conflict Styles of Conflict ResolutionResolution

Withdrawal, Avoiding (TURTLE)

Attempting to get rid of conflict by denying it exists

Issue not worth fighting over; issue too

hot to handle; both sides prefer to avoid

issue; relationships not that important.

Styles of Conflict Styles of Conflict ResolutionResolution

Smoothing, Accommodating (TEDDY BEAR)

Giving in and giving all

Issue is not important to either

side; when future favor in return

is desired; no-win situation that

doesn’t warrant a lot of energy;

relationships are very important;

goal not of importance.

Communication Communication BlockersBlockers• InterruptingInterrupting – Good communication is – Good communication is

not possible when people are cut off not possible when people are cut off before they have finished speaking. It before they have finished speaking. It is important that everyone tells their is important that everyone tells their side.side.

• IgnoringIgnoring – Forms of ignoring can be – Forms of ignoring can be not paying attention, monopolizing the not paying attention, monopolizing the conversation, focusing on one’s agenda conversation, focusing on one’s agenda brushing off what someone is saying.brushing off what someone is saying.

• SarcasmSarcasm – Sarcasm is a real – Sarcasm is a real communication killer. It poisons the communication killer. It poisons the atmosphere.atmosphere.

Communication BlockersCommunication Blockers• Accusing Accusing – Accusations are – Accusations are

counter productive. The accused counter productive. The accused party usually becomes angry and party usually becomes angry and defensive.defensive.

• Insulting/Name-Calling/Insulting/Name-Calling/ThreateningThreatening – Aggressive attacks – Aggressive attacks raise hostility and increase the raise hostility and increase the chances for violence.chances for violence.

• GlobalizingGlobalizing – Globalizing attaches – Globalizing attaches negative labels to people. Global negative labels to people. Global statements are hardly ever statements are hardly ever accurate, and they make people accurate, and they make people angry and defensive.angry and defensive.

Communication Communication BlockersBlockers• JudgingJudging – Judging occurs when someone – Judging occurs when someone

assumes the right to decide if others assumes the right to decide if others are right or wrong, good or bad.are right or wrong, good or bad.

• BlamingBlaming – Blamers assume that if there – Blamers assume that if there is a problem, somebody must be to is a problem, somebody must be to blame.blame.

• Stating Opinion as FactStating Opinion as Fact – It can be – It can be infuriating to hear someone state an infuriating to hear someone state an

opinion as if it were the absolute truth.opinion as if it were the absolute truth.

• Expecting Mind-ReadingExpecting Mind-Reading – People – People assume that their thought and feelings assume that their thought and feelings are visible to others.are visible to others.

Keys to Understanding Keys to Understanding AngerAnger

• Anger is an emotion.Anger is an emotion.• Anger is good, it’s healthy, it’s Anger is good, it’s healthy, it’s

normal.normal.• Anger can protect and motivate us.Anger can protect and motivate us.• Bottled up anger can become Bottled up anger can become

explosive, depressive and bad for explosive, depressive and bad for your health.your health.

• Violence or abuse is behavior. It Violence or abuse is behavior. It can be learned and unlearned. can be learned and unlearned.

• Violence has many forms - verbal, Violence has many forms - verbal, sexual, emotional or to property.sexual, emotional or to property.

• We need to know what we want We need to know what we want and how to ask for it.and how to ask for it.

• Other people’s anger is their Other people’s anger is their problem.problem.

• Good self esteem means we Good self esteem means we have less need for anger.have less need for anger.

• TIME OUT is for everyone’s TIME OUT is for everyone’s safety. It stops abuse but does safety. It stops abuse but does not solve the initial problem.not solve the initial problem.

• Safe expression of anger is Safe expression of anger is healthy.healthy.

• Stating what makes us angry is Stating what makes us angry is healthy.healthy.

• We need to learn to use words We need to learn to use words that express our anger that express our anger constructively. constructively.

• Learning what triggers our Learning what triggers our anger makes it easier to control.anger makes it easier to control.

• Owning our feelings is healthy Owning our feelings is healthy and reduces conflict.and reduces conflict.

• Behind anger there are feelings Behind anger there are feelings of hurt or fear of powerlessness.of hurt or fear of powerlessness.

• We need to remember that we We need to remember that we do not always get what we want.do not always get what we want.

• Good listening helps reduce Good listening helps reduce anger and increases self-anger and increases self-esteem.esteem.

• Children learn how to behave Children learn how to behave from adult models. They learn from adult models. They learn more from what adults DO than more from what adults DO than what they SAY.what they SAY.

• Other people’s abuse does not Other people’s abuse does not have to be accepted.have to be accepted.

• Treat anger as a normal part of life.Treat anger as a normal part of life.• Use anger as a signal that there are Use anger as a signal that there are

problems to be addressed.problems to be addressed.• Take actions when necessary, but Take actions when necessary, but

only after you have carefully only after you have carefully thought through the situation.thought through the situation.

• Express your anger in moderation, Express your anger in moderation, without losing control.without losing control.

• Use anger to solve problems, not Use anger to solve problems, not just to express their feelings.just to express their feelings.

• State your anger clearly, so that State your anger clearly, so that others can respond appropriately others can respond appropriately to your wants and needs.to your wants and needs.

• Solve the problem and let go of Solve the problem and let go of your anger.your anger.

TIPS FOR DEALING TIPS FOR DEALING WITH ANGERWITH ANGER

• TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGSTALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGSIf you cannot find the right If you cannot find the right words to describe what you are words to describe what you are going through, find a trusted going through, find a trusted friend to help you one-on-one. friend to help you one-on-one.

• EXPRESS YOURSELF CALMLYEXPRESS YOURSELF CALMLYExpress disappointment, Express disappointment, displeasure or hurt feelings displeasure or hurt feelings without losing your temper or without losing your temper or fighting.fighting.

• LISTEN TO OTHERSLISTEN TO OTHERS

Listen carefully and respond Listen carefully and respond without getting upset when without getting upset when someone gives you negative someone gives you negative feedback. Try to see the other feedback. Try to see the other person’s point of view.person’s point of view.

• NEGOTIATENEGOTIATE

Work out your problems with Work out your problems with someone else by looking at someone else by looking at alternative solutions and alternative solutions and compromises.compromises.

SUMMARYSUMMARY

After you decide on a solution, try it After you decide on a solution, try it out. If it does not work to out. If it does not work to everybody’s satisfaction, try again. everybody’s satisfaction, try again.

Keep going until you find an anger Keep going until you find an anger management or conflict resolution management or conflict resolution plan that works. plan that works.

Keep working until you reach a Keep working until you reach a “Win-“Win-Win”Win” solution. solution.