ch04.ppt

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 6e Ch. 4-1

Chapter 4

Revising and Proofreading Business Messages


Revising and Proofreading

• Revising: Improving content and sentence structure.

May involve adding, cutting, recasting.

• Proofreading: Correcting grammar, spelling, punctuation, format, and mechanics.


Concise Wording

Revise your messages to eliminate wordiness.

Instead of this:We are of the opinion that

Please feel free to

In addition to the above

At this point in time

Despite the fact that

Try this:We think

Please

Also

Now

Although


Wordy Prepositional Phrases

Instead of this:We don’t as a general rule cash personal checks.

Students in very few instances receive parking tickets.

She calls meetings on a monthly basis.

Try this:We don’t generally cash personal checks.

Students seldom receive parking tickets.

She calls monthly meetings.


Long Lead-Ins

Instead of this:

This memo is to inform

you that all employees

meet today.

I am writing this letter to say thanks to everyone who voted.

Try this:All employees meet today.

Thanks to everyone who voted.


Outdated Expressions

Outdated:as per your request

pursuant to your request

attached hereunto

under separate cover

Modern:at your request

at your request

attached

separately


Needless Adverbs

To sound more credible and to streamline your writing, avoid excessive use of adverbs such as definitely, quite, really, actually, and so forth.

Instead of this:The manager is actually quite pleased with your proposal because the plan is definitely workable.

Try this:The manager is pleased with your proposal because the plan is workable.


Fillers

Revise sentences to avoid fillers such as there and it when used merely to take up space.

Instead of this:There are two employees who should be promoted.

It was Lisa and Jeff who were singled out.

Try this:Two employees should be promoted.

Lisa and Jeff were singled out.


Try Your Skill

Revise the following sentence to avoid a long lead-in, wordy prepositional phrases, outdated expressions, needless adverbs, fillers, and/or other forms of wordiness.• This e-mail message is to inform you that in all

probability we will actually finish in two weeks.

We will probably finish in two weeks.


Try Your Skill

Revise the following sentence to avoid a long lead-in, wordy prepositional phrases, outdated expressions, needless adverbs, fillers, and/or other forms of wordiness.• There are many brokers who are quite certain

that these stocks are completely safe.

Many brokers are certain that these stocks are safe.


Try Your Skill

Revise the following sentence to avoid a long lead-in, wordy prepositional phrases, outdated expressions, needless adverbs, fillers, and/or other forms of wordiness.• Pursuant to your request, there are two

contracts that are attached hereto.

As you requested, two contracts are attached.


Try Your Skill

Revise the following sentence to avoid a long lead-in, wordy prepositional phrases, outdated expressions, needless adverbs, fillers, and/or other forms of wordiness.• All employees are hereby informed that as a

general rule computers may not be used for personal activities.

Generally, employees may not use computers for personal activities.


Redundant Words

Avoid unnecessarily repetitious words. What words could be omitted in these expressions?

advance warning

close proximity

exactly identical

filled to capacity

final outcome

necessary requisite

new beginning

past history

refer back

thought and consideration


Jargon

Avoid technical terms and special terminology that readers would not recognize.

Computer jargon:queue

export

bandwidth

Alternative language:list of documents waiting to

be printed

transfer data from one program to another

Internet capacity

Is jargon ever permissible?


Slang

Avoid slang (informal expressions with arbitrary or extravagantly changed meanings).

to bag on

clueless

turkey

chill/chill out

to tease, to nag, to complain

unaware, naïve

someone stupid or silly

relax


Clichés

Avoid clichés (overused expressions). Substitute more precise words.

Last but not least, you should keep your nose to the grindstone.

We had reached the end of our rope.

Finally, you should work diligently.

We could go no further.


Try Your Skill

Revise the following sentence to avoid slang, clichés, and redundancies.• Last but not least, the attorney referred back to

an exactly identical case.

Finally, the attorney referred to an identical case.


Try Your Skill

Revise the following sentence to avoid slang, clichés, and redundancies.• With a little advance warning, we could have

sold out before our stocks tanked.

With warning, we could have sold out before our stocks hit bottom.


Try Your Skill

Revise the following sentence to avoid slang, clichés, and redundancies.• Ms. Miller, who shoots straight from the

shoulder, demanded final completion by January 1.

Ms. Miller, who is straightforward, demanded completion by January 1.


Precise Verbs

• Revise your writing to include precise verbs instead of general, lackluster, all-purpose ones.

Market researchers said that profits would improve.

What more precise verbs could replace said?Market researchers forecasted improved profits.

Market researchers promised improved profits.

Market researchers predicted improved profits.


Precise Verbs

• Revise verbs that have been converted to nouns.

The manager came to the realization that telecommuting made sense.

The manager realized that telecommuting made sense.

An application must be made by the job seeker.

The job seeker must apply.


Precise Verbs

• TIP: Look for words ending in tion or ment. Could they be more efficiently and forcefully converted to verbs?


Try Your Skill

Revise the following sentence using more precise verbs.• The seller said he would contact you.

The seller promised to e-mail [telephone or fax] you.


Revise the following sentence centering the action in a verb.• We must give encouragement to our team.

We must encourage our team.

Try Your Skill


Revise the following sentence centering the action in a verb.• Have you made an application for employment?

Have you applied for employment?

Try Your Skill


Revise the following sentence centering the action in a verb.• A duty of the general manager is the calculation

of monthly sales.

The general manager calculates monthly sales.

Try Your Skill


Revise the following sentence centering the action in a verb.• The establishment of new methods was effected

by Kevin.

Kevin established new methods.

Try Your Skill


Concrete Nouns

Revise your writing to include specific, concrete nouns instead of general, abstract ones.

The man asked for a raise.

Jeff Jones asked for a 10 percent salary increase.

An employee presented a proposal.

Kelly Keeler, production manager, presented a plan to stagger hours.


Vivid Adjectives

Revise your writing to include descriptive, dynamic adjectives instead of overworked, all-purpose ones.

The report was good.

The report was persuasive (or detailed, original, thorough, painstaking, complete, comprehensive).

The report was bad.

(Possible revisions?)


What to Watch for in Proofreading

Spelling

Grammar

Punctuation

Names and numbers

Format


How to Proofread Complex Documents

• Allow adequate time.

• Print a copy, preferably double-spaced.

• Be prepared to find errors.

• Read once for meaning and once for grammar/mechanics.

• Reduce your reading speed.


For documents that must be perfect:

• Have someone read aloud the original while someone else checks the printout.

• Spell names.• Spell difficult words.• Note capitalization.• Note punctuation.

How to Proofread Complex Documents


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