Carrier-Hagerman Blythe Carrier-HagermanComment by Korey Bradley: Check MLA format.Mr.BradleyEnglishOct.29 2014It all started on July 17th,on the planet Blues,in the kingdom of Adelie at midnight. A baby girl was born to Prince Alfred and his wife Princess Anna. The baby was weak and her parents were afraid that she would not make it, they called upon an ancient witch called Eclipse to heal her. She was able to heal the baby, but at a great expense, healing the young child took much energy and Eclipse did not make it . The Prince soon became a King, his wife a Queen and his daughter a Princess,they named her Luna, for she was born on a full moon with white hair and sky blue eyes, she has a birth tattoo of her family crest, its a series of swirls that form a butterfly. She grew up under the careful watch of her parents and the guards,never allowed to leave the castle grounds,but that soon would changed. On her 5th birthday a great evil threatened the kingdom. The evil threatened to destroy everything, so the king and queen did the only thing they could do, send their daughter away with a most trusted guard and his son to a safe planet, a planet called Earth. The great evil destroyed the planet and those who lived there, the evil did not know that the princess had escaped but he would find out soon.Comment by Blythe Carrier: to tell what her family crest looked likeComment by Korey Bradley: Read this sentence aloud. Does it sound funny? It needs to be edited. Always read your essay aloud to catch simple mistakes.Comment by Blythe Carrier: Changed from walls to grounds because it made more sense

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear luna, happy birthday to you Thanks guys I said to Max and Luke after they got done singing, Max then brought out my three layer cake, the first layer was pink with purple stripes,and had the face of the cat from Alice in wonderland,the second was white with little spades,clubs,hearts,and diamonds,and the third was green and had the door on it. Today was my 16th birthday and I am celebrating it with the ones that have been taking care of me since the evil killed my parents and destroyed my home planet. The evil does not know that I am alive , he thinks he killed me with my parents but i hear that his second in command is suspicious. We live on the small hawaiian island of KahoOlawe. Luna time for school sorry guys that was Max and yes i have to go to school on my birthday Now Luna, you to Luke coming Luke shouted back,gotta go bye. There I was just sitting in math listening to the oldest teacher in history Mrs.Matthews run on about how rude we are when my right hand started to disappear Luke Luke I whispered what Luna? said Luke my hand, look when he looked over his eyes went wide and his hand shot up Mrs.Matthews Luna just told me that she wasnt feeling good can i take her to the nurses office of course Luke replied Mrs.Matthews. Luke grabbed my left hand and we raced out of the room am i getting my powers I asked yep Luke replied is that bad i asked yep he replied why i asked again luke turned around because now he can find you.Comment by Blythe Carrier: to tell what her cake looked like and to give more description to her birthdayComment by Blythe Carrier: Changed from living to alive because it made her sound less animatedComment by Blythe Carrier: Changed from drone to run on because drone made her sound robotic

Zhar awoke in a cold sweat no it cant be, I killed them all, Re get in here Zhar shouted to his second in command yes my lord Re replied I think the princess is alive Zhar said I thought we killed the royal family replied Re so did I, just to make sure assemble our best for a mission said Zhar sir what is the destination Re asked Earth replied Zhar.Comment by Blythe Carrier: From gather to assemble to make it more grammatically correct

When we got home Luke raced inside while I sat in the truck thinking about what would happen if he found me and how much danger my family could be in. Luna we have to move Max said ok i answered numbly Luke, Luna go pack we leave in the morning ok we both replied. I sat in my room that night thinking about the evil and that is when i decided that i had to leave my family to protect them. promise me Mr. Whiskers that you will look out for them, he nodded as if saying yes. That night I left knowing that i couldnt put them in danger. I had all i needed money, clothes, my mothers necklace with picture of her and my father, and my grandmothers wedding ring. Welcome to Tucson,Arizona, population 524,295 now 524,296 , looks like this is my new home know. Sir we have landed on earth said Re where at? asked Zhar Moscow Russia replied Re. Okay lets set up and see if we can get any information on her. The evil one and his crew set up in a nearby mountain range called Belukha where they stayed until they picked up on a signal. Sir we have her signal where? somewhere in the United States Re get a team together and lets head out yes sir. Three weeks laterHi my name is Luna and i will be your server today, how can i help you. As you may have noticed i work at a restaurant, its called Classic Southern Cuisine,cheesy i know,but it pays good. Order up thanks donny no problem Luna, heres your stack of ribs , caesar salad, and bacon mac and cheese, enjoy. Ring ring Hello yes im looking for a ms.Luna may i ask who is calling yes tell her its her uncle okay Luna, your uncles on the phone thanks clare hi uncle Max I found you said a low and raspy voice and then all i heard was the tone of the phone being hung up. I ran out of the restaurant and to my apartment, when i got there i opened the door to find Max and Luke sitting on my couch watching T.V. umm uncle max, I think he found me I know Luna, thats why we are here thanks. About one month laterI was looking out my window when I saw the sky darker and then the sky opened up and it started to rain. Uncle Max cam into my room its time Luna Im ready. There he was the man who killed my parents and destroyed my homeland hello Luna hello Zhar, are you ready to die it is not I who will be dieing. They fought for hours throwing magic back and forth all the while it continued to rain. Luna slid across the ground from one of Zhars blast had enough yet princess not yet, Luna then stood up and thought about her family,her home, and about Max and Luke, Luna! Max yelled here and threw her an amulet, once it hit her hands Luna knew what she had to do with it, she mustered all the power she could and using the amulet hurled it at Zhar. Comment by Blythe Carrier: from rain continued to pour to continued to rain because it sounded grammatically correctDear Diary, Its been almost three months since I killed him. We moved to London a week after the battle and ive been mastering my powers with the help of Max and Luke. I have a boyfriend now but dont worry he has powers to. His name is Alec and he just happens to be a warlock, Max isnt too keen on him but says as long as he helps with my training he can stay. Life has been good since that day and now i guess its time to start a new chapter in my life.

Super Hero Narrative Rubric 201510

IDEA DEVELOPMENT: The heart, main idea, or thesis of a text; refers to the details, examples, or images that develop and support the main idea. Text is clear and focused; captures readers attention.Topic is narrow and manageable. Details are relevant, interesting, vivid, accurate. Point is clear; tells whole story; no trivia. Details support the papers main idea. Ideas engage, inspire, or intrigue reader.Texts ideas are focused but general, obvious.Topic is fairly broad, but understandable. Details are loosely related, obvious, or dull. Point vague; gives general idea; incomplete. Details provide weak support for main idea. Ideas leave reader guessing; not specific.Text lacks clear idea, purpose, and details.Topic lacking; no evident focus or purpose. Details are missing, incorrect, or unclear. Makes no point; cannot identify main idea.Details repeat each other; seem random. Ideas confuse and frustrate the reader.

201510

ORGANIZATION: The internal structure of ideas.Effective organization begins with a purposeful lead and moves toward a logical, thoughtful ending.Order compels, enhances, and moves ideas.Introduction intrigues, invites; conclusion resolves.Thoughtful transitions show how ideas connect. Sequencing is logical and effective. Pacing is well controlled and purposeful.Organization flows smoothly; matches purpose.Comment by Korey Bradley: It does end abruptly.Order moves reader through with confusion.Introduction and conclusion are evident, weak. Transitions often work well; connections are vague. Sequencing shows some logic but lacks control.Pacing is inconsistent but fairly well controlled.Organization offers limited support; inappropriate.Order is missing or random; no identifiable structure.Introduction and conclusion ineffective/missing.Transitions and connections absent or confusing. Sequencing is random; lacks any purpose. Pacing is awkward, frustrating, or missing. Organization makes it hard to identify main idea.

15105

VOICE: You hear the writers heart and soul, conviction and wit; the text has energy and connects you to both the writing and the writer.Writing is compelling, engaging; aware of audience.Tone is interesting and appropriate for audience andthe purpose. Authors presence is evident, powerful. Expository writing is committed, persuasive. Narrative writing is honest, engaging, personal.Writing seems sincere but not engaged; its plain.Tone is nondescript; shows limited awareness of audience; not very appropriate for purpose. Author sounds earnest and pleasing, but safe.Expository writing shows minimal commitment. Narrative writing is reasonably sincere but plain.Writer is indifferent, distanced from topic/audience.Tone shows no awareness of audience, inappropriatefor the audience or purpose. Author sounds monotone, flat, even bored. Expository writing lacks any commitment. Narrative writing shows no attempt at voice.

15105

WORD CHOICE: The right word, used in the rightway, at the right time. The writer chooses words thatcreate the intended effect, impression, or mood.Words are precise, interesting, engaging, powerful.Words are specific, accurate; meaning is clear. Words and phrases are striking and memorable. Language is natural, effective, and appropriate. Verbs are lively, nouns precise, modifiers effective. Choices enhance meaning and clarify meaning.Words are common and obvious; they lack energy.Words are adequate and correct in a general sense. Words and phrases convey, but arent memorable. Language reaches for color; thesaurus overload.Verbs are passive, nouns common, modifiers dull.Choices are random: first word that came to mind.Words are simple or vague; limited in scope.Words are nonspecific, distracting, and vague.Words and phrases are dull, detract from meaning.Language is used incorrectly, carelessly.Verbs, nouns, adjectives show limited vocabulary.Jargon or clichs distract, mislead; redundancy.

1073

SENTENCE FLUENCY: Language that flows with rhythm and grace, logic and music. Sentences are well crafted and want to be read aloud.Writing flows with rhythm and cadence. Elegant.Sentences are constructed to enhance meaning. Sentences vary in length and structure.Sentences use purposeful, varied beginnings. Connecting words join and build on other words.Writing has cadence; it moves, has music to it.Writing moves along but feels more business-like.Sentences are routine; they lack craft and music.Sentences are usually constructed correctly.Sentences are not all alike; there is some varietyConnecting words absent; reader hunts for clues.Parts invite reading aloud; choppy, awkward, stiff.Writing lacks flow; it is difficult to read.Sentences ramble, are incomplete or awkward.Sentences do not connect to each other at all.Sentences begin the same way; monotonous.Endless or no connectives (and, so then, because).The text does invite reading aloud; no music.

20155

CONVENTIONS: Includes punctuation, spelling, grammar, and usage. It does not include layout, formatting, or handwriting. The final editing phase.Observes and uses standard conventions; few errors.Spelling is mostly correct, even on difficult words.Punctuation is accurate, even creative and effective.Capitalization skills are evident and consistent.Grammar and usage are correct and enhance the text. Paragraphing is sound, reinforces organization.Writer may manipulate conventions for style.Reasonable control of conventions; distracting errors.Spelling mostly correct; errors on difficult words.End punctuation mostly correct; internal errors.Capitalization generally correct; some errors.Grammar and usage problems are not serious.Paragraphing lacks cohesion and organization.Errors distract the reader and make reading difficult.Spelling errors are frequent and distracting. Punctuation is often missing or incorrect.Capitalization is random, only easiest are correct.Grammar and usage errors are obvious and serious.Paragraphing is missing, irregular, or frequent.

Total Grade 77/100

This was a well written rough draft, but it is still a rough draft. Most changes to this writing are superficial. Failed to catch simple grammatical errors and typos. Read your essay aloud before turning it in as a final draft. This essay seems to lack imagination and power at the very end. Leave your reader with some bit of enchantment to take away. Based on your revision history this was added as an afterthought. The story is an entertaining sketch and has potential, but you need to work at it.