Book of Farts

Farts Book of Book of Book of Book of

The The The The Bovine DroppingsBovine DroppingsBovine DroppingsBovine Droppings

Another Bovine Droppings

World Acclaimed Masterpiece!

Edited by Bard Winks

Bovine Droppings Cosmic Publications

3

The Bovine Droppings

Book of

Farts

This work is entirely plagiarised and no credit is given to the noble be-

ings who created the literature, artwork and significant scientific data

that it contains. However the profound gratitude is offered by the edi-

tor and publishers for their contribution to the store of human wis-

dom.

4

A Belch is just one gust of wind,

That cometh from thy Heart...

But should it take the downward trend,

It turns into a Fart

5

The Bovine Droppings

Book of Farts

Bovine Droppings Cosmic Publications

2012

Everywhere

No rights reserved

Edited by Bard Winks

Dedicated to

K.A.

A great master of the (f)art

6

He Farted very loudly

and the smell was very bad.

I hope we do not have for lunch

whatever it was he had

7

The Science of Farting 1

Celebrity Farting 23

Presidential Farts 26

Non-Human Farts 53

Cat Farts 59

Dangerous and Explosive Farting 67

Useful Signs 77

Fart Categories 85

Contents

Royal Farts 28

Spiritual Farts 30

Public Farting 34

Samurai Farting 46

Essential Equipment and Services 44

The Science of Farts and Farting

2

Where does fart gas come from?

The gas in our intestines comes from several sources: air we swallow,

gas seeping into our intestines from our blood, gas produced by chemi-

cal reactions in our guts, and gas produced by bacteria living in our

guts.

What is fart gas made of ?

The composition of fart gas is highly variable.

Most of the air we swallow, especially the oxygen component, is ab-

sorbed by the body before the gas gets into the intestines. By the time

the air reaches the large intestine, most of what is left is nitrogen.

Chemical reactions between stomach acid and intestinal fluids may pro-

duce carbon dioxide, which is also a component of air and a product of

bacterial action. Bacteria also produce hydrogen and methane.

But the relative proportions of these gases that emerge from our

anal opening depend on several factors: what we ate, how much air we

swallowed, what kinds of bacteria we have in our intestines, and how

long we hold in the fart.

The longer a fart is held in, the larger the proportion of boring, inert

nitrogen it contains, because the other gases tend to be absorbed into

the bloodstream through the walls of the intestine.

A nervous person who swallows a lot of air and who moves stuff

through his digestive system rapidly may have a lot of oxygen in his

farts, because his body didn't have time to absorb the oxygen.

Encyclopaedia Britannica offers the intriguing statement that some

people's farts contain no methane. The reason for this is apparently

unknown. Some researchers suspect a genetic influence, whereas others

think the anomaly is due to environmental factors. However, all meth-

ane in any farts comes from bacterial action and not from human cells.

3

What makes farts stink?

The odor of farts

comes from small

amounts of hydrogen sul-

fide gas and skatole in the

mixture. These com-

pounds contain sulfur.

The more sulfur-rich your

diet, the more sulfides and

skatole will be produced

by the bacteria in your

guts, and the more your

farts will stink. Foods

such as cauliflower, eggs

and meat are notorious

for producing smelly farts,

whereas beans produce

large amounts of not par-

ticularly stinky farts.

Why do farts make noise?

The sounds are produced by vibrations of the anal opening. Sounds

depend on the velocity of expulsion of the gas and the tightness of the

sphincter muscles of the anus.

How much gas does a normal person pass per day?

On average, a person produces about half a liter of fart gas per day,

distributed over an average of about fourteen daily farts.

Whereas it may be difficult for you to determine your daily flatus

volume, you can certainly keep track of your daily numerical fart count.

You might try this as a science fair project: Keep a journal of every-

4

thing you eat and a count of

your farts. You might make

a note of the potency of

their odor as well. See if you

can discover a relationship

between what you eat, how

much you fart, and how

much they smell.

How does a fart

travel to the anus?

One may wonder why fart

gas travels downward to-

ward the anus when gas has

a lower density than liquids

and solids, and should therefore travel upwards.

The intestine squeezes its contents toward the anus in a series of

contractions, a process called peristalsis. The process is stimulated by

eating, which is why we often need to poop and fart right after a meal.

Peristalsis creates a zone of high pressure, forcing all intestinal con-

tents, gas included, to move towards a region of lower pressure, which

is toward the anus. Gas is more mobile than other components, and

small bubbles coalesce to from larger bubbles en route to the exit.

When peristalsis is not active, gas bubbles may begin to percolate up-

wards again, but they won't get very far due to the complicated and

convoluted shape of the intestine. Furthermore, the anus is neither up

nor down when a person is lying down.

How long does it take fart gas to travel to someone

else's nose?

Fart travel time depends on atmospheric conditions such as humid-

5

ity and wind speed, as well as the distance between the fart transmitter

and the fart receiver. Farts also disperse as they leave the source, and

their potency diminishes with dilution. Generally, if the fart is not de-

tected within a few seconds, it will be too dilute for perception and will

be lost into the atmosphere forever.

Exceptional conditions exist when the fart is released into a small

enclosed area such as an elevator, a small room, or a car. These condi-

tions limit the amount of dilution possible, and the fart may remain in a

smellable concentration for a long period of time, until it condenses on

the walls.

Is it true that some people never fart?

No, not if they're alive. People even fart shortly after death.

Do even movie stars fart?

Yes, of course. So do grandmothers, priests, kings, presidents, opera

singers, beauty queens, and nuns. Even Yoda farts.

Do men fart more than women?

No, women fart just as much as men. It's just that most men take

more pride in it than most women. There is a large variation among

individuals in the amount of fart gas produced per day, but the varia-

tion does not correlate with gender.

I have read that men fart more often than women. If this is true,

then women must be saving it up and expelling more gas per fart than

men do.

At what time of day is a gentleman most likely to

fart?

A gentleman is mostly likely to fart first thing in the morning, while

in the bathroom. This is known as "morning thunder," and if the gen-

6

throughout the household.

Why are beans so notorious for making people fart?

Beans contain sugars that we humans cannot digest. When these

sugars reach our intestines, the bacteria go wild, have a big feast, and

make lots of gas!

Other notorious fart-producing foods include corn, bell peppers,

cabbage, milk, and raisins.

A friend of mine had a dog who was exceptionally fond of apples

and turnips. The dog would eat these things and then get prodigious

gas. A dog's digestive system is not equipped to handle such vegetable

matter, so the dog's bacteria worked overtime to produce remarkable

flatulence.

What things other than diet can make a person fart

more than usual?

People who swallow a lot of air fart more than people who don't.

This can be cured somewhat by chewing with your mouth closed.

Nervous people with fast moving bowels will fart more because less air

is absorbed out of the intestines. Some disease conditions can cause

excess flatulence. And going up in an airplane or other low-pressure

environment can cause the gas inside you to expand and emerge as

flatulence.

Is a fart really just a burp that comes out the wrong

end?

No, a burp emerges from the stomach and has a different chemical

composition from a fart. Farts have less atmospheric gas content and

more bacterial gas content than burps.

Is it harmful to hold in farts?

7

There are differences in

opinion on this one. Cer-

tainly, people have believed

for centuries that retaining

flatulence is bad for the

health. Emperor Claudius

even passed a law legalizing

farting at banquets out of

concern for peoples' health.

There was a widespread

belief that a person could be poisoned or catch a disease by retaining

farts.

Doctors I have spoken to recently have told me that there is no par-

ticular harm in holding in farts. Farts will not poison you; they are a

natural component of your intestinal contents. The worst thing that

can happen is that you may get a stomach ache from the gas pressure.

But one doctor suggested that pathological distension of the bowel

could result if a person holds in farts too much.

How long would it be possible to not fart?

As I understand it, a captive fart can escape as soon as the person

relaxes. This means that a lot of people who assiduously refrain from

farting during the day do so at great length as soon as they fall asleep.

Having been on a great many overnight field trips, long bus trips, and

trans-Pacific flights, I can personally vouch for the fact that lots of

people do fart voluminously as they doze off. So the answer to the

question would be, you can refrain from farting as long as you can stay

awake!

Where do farts go when you hold them in?

How often have you held in a fart, intending to release it at the first

appropriate opportunity, only to find that the fart has disappeared

8

when you are ready for it?

I asked several doctors where the fart goes. Does it leak out slowly

without the person knowing it? Is it absorbed into the bloodstream?

What happens to it?

The doctors agree that the fart is neither released nor absorbed. It

simply migrates back upward into the intestine and comes out later.

It is reassuring to know that such farts aren't really lost, just delayed.

Is it really possible to ignite farts?

The answer to that is yes! However, you should be aware that people

get injured igniting flatulence. Not only can the flame back up into

your colon, but your clothing or other surroundings may catch on fire.

A survey done by Fartcloud indicates that about a quarter of the people

who ignited their farts got burned doing it. Ignition of flatulence is a

hazardous practice.

There have also been cases in which intestinal gases with a higher

than normal oxygen content have exploded during surgery when elec-

tric cautery was used by the surgeon.

Why is it possible to burn farts?

Farts burn because they contain methane and hydrogen, both of

which are flammable gases.

Farts tend to burn with a blue or yellow flame.

Is it possible to light a match with a fart?

No, even strike-anywhere matches have their limits, unless the fart

has the consistency of sandpaper! Any fart that rough I would hesitate

to call a fart. Also, farts have the same temperature as the body from

which they emerge, and aren't hot enough to initiate combustion.

9

Is it possible for a talented person to earn a living

through flatulence?

Few people earn their living directly via flatulence. But a friend of

mine says that he saw a carnival act in which the performer whistled

tunes with his farts, blew out candles on the opposite side of the stage,

and sent flames all the way across the stage. A famous performer who

earned his living this way was Le Petomane, who performed in France

at the beginning of the 20th Century. However, my friend isn't old

enough to have seen Le Petomane, so maybe he had a chance to see

Mr. Methane. Mr. Methane lays claim to the distinction of being the

world's only performing flatulist.

However, people may also earn a living through the prevention of

flatulence , through the practice of medicine specializing in the treat-

ment of flatulence and other gastrointestinal problems, by writing

books about flatulence , and through the production and sales of vari-

ous fart gags such as whoopee cushions and farts in a can.

Fartypants sells a fart filter and a number of other fart-related prod-

10

ucts.

Maybe, if you're lucky, you'll be able to find a copy of Le Petomane's

biography

Why do dog and cat farts smell so bad?

A carnivore's protein-rich diet produces relatively small amounts of

intensely stinky gas because proteins contain lots of sulfur. A dog's or

cat's farts are rarely audible, but the odor is overwhelming. I have

asked biologists why dogs and cats generally fart silently, and their

theories include: the amount of gas produced is small, but potent, the

horizontal orientation of their gastrointestinal system puts less pressure

on the anal opening, so the gas is expelled more slowly, their anal

sphincters don't close as tightly as humans' because it takes less force

to hold in the contents of the colon -- again because of the horizontal

orientation of the gastrointestinal system -- and a loose anus makes less

sound, and, my favorite dogs and cats don't feel embarrassed about

farting, so their sphincters are more relaxed, leading to less noisy flatu-

lence.

Mike F. points out that many dog foods are soy-based, so on top of

all the above factors, add beans and stand back!

Large herbivorous animals such as cows, horses and elephants, on

the other hand, produce vast quantities of relatively non-stinky fart gas.

The farts of these animals are noisy and can go on for astoundingly

long periods of time. Cows in particular are productive, in part because

they swallow huge amounts of air. They need oxygen in their guts for

the various protozoa employed there as digestive aids.

Do fish fart?

According to our ichthyologist at the University of Guam, fish flatu-

lence per se has not been studied, although people have investigated

fish digestion. They find that although most fish have alkaline intestinal

11

environments like our own, coral-eating fish have acidic intestinal con-

tents. The acid serves to dissolve coral skeletal material. Coral has the

same composition as Tums . One product of the reaction between acid

and calcium carbonate is carbon dioxide gas. Therefore, it is logical to

assume that coral-eating fish fart a lot.

The other fish probably fart also, for the same reasons that we do.

However, Mike Pulte, a great fish enthusiast, said that he has never

seen a fish do it.

I asked our ichthyologist if it were possible that fish gas would go

into the swim bladder instead of out the anal opening. He said that

modern fish have an air bladder that is independent of the gastrointes-

tinal tract. The gas comes from enzymatic activity and not from the

intestine. Older models of fish have their swim bladder connected to

the gastrointestinal tract, but it is attached high up, closer to the mouth

than to the other end, and these fish come to the surface and gulp air

to fill the bladder. Therefore, we can assume that intestinal gas leaves

12

the fish through the anal opening.

We also pondered the possibility of fish making noise via flatulence,

but apparently most fish noises are made through belching rather than

farting.

Lisa P., an aquarium enthusiast, reports that she has seen her fish

fart: "I have four aquariums and many fish, and I have personally wit-

nessed fish farting! My goldfish used to do it all the time! You'd see a

little bubble come out of his anus and stay there, trapped in the mucus

of a long string of poop. And my opaline gourami does it too. Neither

of these are coral-eating fish. I have only owned two coral-eating fish

so far, but I have never seen either of them fart. It seems most likely to

me that much of this gas comes from air swallowed during eating.

Also, goldfish have a very simple digestive system and their food is ab-

sorbed inefficiently, so possibly the bacteria have more to feed on?"

Do turtles fart?

Yes, turtles do fart, and their farts smell incredibly bad, as do the

farts of snakes. In fact, it is my opinion, based on personal experience

with reptiles and not on any formal research, that many reptiles use

farts as a weapon.

Reptile farts smell so bad that sometimes you can tell that one is

nearby in the woods, even on a windy day, before you can see the ani-

mal. One day I was hiking through the woods in Arkansas with a friend

and I told my friend, "I smell a snake fart." A second later, the snake

crawled across the path. Astounding but true!

What kind of animal has the highest worldwide out-

put of flatulence?

Believe it or not, the animal that wins this honor is the humble ter-

mite. Because of their diet and digestive processes , they produce as

13

much methane as hu-

man industry. Termite

farts are believed to be

a major contributor

towards global warm-

ing.

Is there any kind

of animal that

doesn't fart?

If we define a fart to

be an anal escape of

intestinal gas, then it

follows that animals that lack intestines or an anus cannot fart. Most

animals possess intestines and an anus, but there are some that don't.

These include:

Sponges: These organisms lack true tissues and organs. They have

just a few types of cells organized into a bag with holes in it. Water

flows into some holes and out other holes. Sponges are so different

from other animals that some biologists think we shouldn't even call

them animals.

Cnidaria: This phylum includes the jellyfish, corals, sea anemones

and hydra. Their tissues are organized into a bag with a mouth sur-

rounded by stinging tentacles. Food enters the mouth and is digested

inside the bag, after which the leftovers are expelled via the same open-

ing. In effect, the same hole serves as both a mouth and an anus. Any

gas expelled by a cnidarian would be more appropriately termed a belch

rather than a fart, since the animal lacks intestines and separate anus.

Pogonophoran worms: These remarkable animals, who dwell on the

sea floor near active volcanic regions associated with mid-ocean ridges,

Only

humans

can bark

with

their

bum

14

possess no mouth, no stomach, no intestines, and no anus. Apparently

they retain their svelte, worm-shaped figures by giving up on eating

completely! They survive by means of a mutualistic relationship with

chemosynthetic bacteria that live in their flesh. Anyway, these animals

cannot possibly fart.

A second category of animals that probably don't fart are animals

that live very deep underwater. At high pressures, gas remains in solu-

tion rather than forming bubbles. So there is a good chance that all

those clams, echinoderms, fish and other animals living near the sealer

don't fart because their farts stay in solution and never emerge as bub-

bles, even though the animals possess perfectly good intestines and

anuses.

Is it possible to leave a brown spot on your pants be-

cause of a fart, and if so, what causes it?

Judging from what I see when I do the laundry, I'd say that the an-

swer to the first question is definitely yes.

As for the causes, we must remember that what we call "fart" and

what we call "poop" are just end-members of a continuum. That is, we

can have a pure fart, or a pure poop, or anything in-between, depend-

ing upon the admixture of the two.

If a sample consists mostly of poop with only a small fart compo-

nent, you get such things as jet-propelled bowel movements and

spongy, floating fecal masses .

If the sample consists mostly of fart with only a small poop compo-

nent, you get what is known as "skid marks" or "fart art." These can

also result from inadequate wiping, but the shape of the stain is differ-

ent in the two cases. Inadequate wiping leads to elongate marks paral-

lel to one's crack, usually with well-defined edges, whereas fart art is

generally more circular and has an air-brushed look.

15

Fart art is most likely to occur

if a person is suffering from di-

arrhea, the person is trying too

hard to fart, and the person mis-

takenly perceives the pressure

against his sphincter to be gas

pressure rather than liquid pres-

sure. Again, that last situation is

most likely to occur if the per-

son is afflicted with diarrhea.

How can we tell when

it's only gas needing to

come out, rather than something more serious?

Our ability to distinguish between the need to fart and the need to

poop is something that we learn gradually in the process of toilet train-

ing and early childhood. With the tactile nerve endings in the rectal

area, we can actually feel different sensations depending upon what is

waiting by the exit. Of course, sometimes we are fooled, especially if

the substance at hand is extremely fluid in nature, and that is when we

have the unfortunate accident of venting a squirt of diarrhea rather

than an innocent fart.

Why do chicks always deny farting?

I suppose I should start by saying that only some chicks deny farting.

The rest of us acknowledge our gaseous accomplishments with pride.

However, a great many sisters do deny farting. The reason is that

they have been misled into thinking that farts are not ladylike. It is a

great mistake to say that farting is not ladylike. The reason is that all

people fart, including ladies. Anything that ladies do is by definition

ladylike, and that includes the emission of anal gases.

16

Is is possible that, by inhaling other people's farts all

day long, my own farts will smell more?

No, inhaled farts would go into the lungs rather than into the diges-

tive system, and would simply be exhaled again, although it might be

possible that some of the fart components might be absorbed into the

blood. If you wanted to benefit from other people's farts in the way

you describe, you would have to swallow them somehow.

Is it possible to get stoned after inhaling two or three

farts in a row?

I am not aware of any intoxicating agents in flatulence. However,

most farts contain very little oxygen, and you may experience dizziness

if you are inhaling overly concentrated fart essence, simply from lack of

oxygen. On the other hand, if you are inhaling farts in the open air and

are breathing rapidly in order to inhale as much fart as possible, you

may be hyperventilating, which also induces dizziness.

Then there is the intrinsic hilarity factor: farts are so funny in both

sound and odor that you might feel high just from the basic entertain-

ment value of farts.

Is it possible for a fart to kill you?

A great many of you have asked if farts can be fatal, or if you can die

from smelling a particularly bad fart. My initial response to this ques-

tion was "no," but I thought I'd better ask a doctor. So now it is offi-

cial, the medical opinion I received is no, a fart can't kill you.

However, if you really work hard at it, you can manage to kill your-

self with just about anything. I recently read of a man who hooked up

his nose to his anus with a system involving a gas mask, rubber tubing

and a hollow wooden post. He died of suffocation. This story comes

from the Darwin Awards, and I personally cannot attest to the overall

17

veracity of their stories.

The story of the bed-

bound obese man who died

from inhaling his own

flatulence is an urban leg-

end that has been in circu-

lation for some time.

Can excessive

farting cause impo-

tence?

That depends on the

tolerance level of the per-

son with whom one is try-

ing to be potent!

Fortunately for humans,

farting doesn't cause tissue damage. Other animals aren't so lucky. Sol-

dier termites can actually turn themselves into bombs by detonating

themselves via the explosive release of gas and feces, a process called

"autothysis."

Is it possible to inhale via one's anal opening?

Yes, but it's a rare talent. The great early 20th Century French flatu-

list, Le Petomane, was able to do this, and in fact was able to suck up

an entire bowlful of water into his colon and expel it again with consid-

erable force. By sucking in large quantities of air, he was able to per-

form lengthy shows on stage, and could imitate musical instruments,

farm animals, and bird songs, whistle melodies, and play the ocarina.

His productions were said to be virtually odorless, which is to be ex-

pected from air obtained directly from the outside.

18

Here is a message I received recently regarding the skill of inhaling

via the anus:

"i would just like you to know that i am part of a trio, who can suck in

air in our anal openings. we are somewhat air-bandits. we can let the

longest farts you have ever heard. our record holder, chad, stands at 24

sec. the record for most farts in a row is derek, at 492. and i, robert,

have earned such nicknames as: Mad Crapper, gurglemeister, and old

wetful. We have followed Le Petomane example, and have mastered

the art of farting."

What causes the burning sensation that sometimes

accompanies a fart?

This is generally caused by a recent meal of hot peppers or related

spices. The oils associated with these foods remain intact and active all

the way through one's gastrointestinal system.

If you fart in the bathtub, is the water polluted and

should you refill the tub?

As long as what comes out is only fart and no poop, your bath water

should not be significantly polluted. Most of the gas just bubbles up

and contaminates the air rather than the water.

Is it true that a woman can fart out of her, shall we

say, frontal opening, and if so, where does the gas

come from?

Yes, it is true! The gas that emerges is simply trapped air, for there is

no gas production in the genitalia of a woman. The air can enter be-

cause the system is open to the outside. This highly specialized kind of

fart is sometimes called a queef.

Can a man fart out of his genital opening?

19

I have asked various

men this question and

they all deny it emphati-

cally.

Is it possible to

capture a fart in a

jar and save it for

later use?

It should be theoreti-

cally possible to do this, but there would be lots of logistical problems.

I would suggest using a plastic bag instead of a jar. You might try the

following as a science fair experiment:

Fart into several plastic bags and seal them carefully. Then fill several

other plastic bags with ordinary air. Wait 24 hours. Then get volunteers

to smell the contents of the bags to see if they can correctly identify

which ones contain the farts. This should tell you if it is possible to

store a fart in any useful way.

Malachi and Megaera have come up with a way to capture a fart in a

jar. They say to do it in the bathtub while bathing. Fill the jar with bath

water and then hold it with the open end downward. Lean back in the

bathtub so that your fart bubbles will emerge in front of you rather

than behind you where you can't see them. Catch the bubbles in the jar,

and put the lid on the jar while it's still underwater. This way, you cap-

ture a fairly pure fart uncontaminated by atmospheric air. To enjoy

your captured fart to the fullest extent, make sure that your jar does not

already smell like whatever was it it before, like pickles or peanut but-

ter.

Is it weird to enjoy farting?

20

It is not unusual to enjoy farting. I believe that enjoyment of farting

is a healthy attitude, since everyone has to fart. If a person is farting to

the extent that it creates problems and unhappiness, then a visit to a

doctor is in order.

What colour is a fart?

Farts are, alas, colourless. All of the gases that make up farts have no

inherent colour. But just think of how interesting it would be if farts

were bright orange like nitrogen dioxide gas! It would certainly take the

mystery out of who farted.

Never-the-less, a high-personality gas like fart gas suggests color to

people. Some people envision farts as brown, others as green or yellow.

I have always thought of farts as brown, presumably because poop is

brown. When someone farts in our car, that person might say, "You

better not breathe through your mouth for awhile, or your teeth will

turn brown."

I knew a toddler who used to draw pictures of farts as yellow rectan-

gles full of holes, like a slice of Swiss cheese. She thought of farts as

yellow, and said that she knew they were rectangular because she could

feel the sharp corners scraping against her on the way out!

Do other people smell a fart better than the farter?

The fart should smell just as much for the person who created it as it

does for other people. However, the farter is somewhat protected by

having the fart propelled away from his body in a direction opposite to

his nose. Farting upwind nullifies this advantage.

Why is it that when you scratch your rear through

two layers of clothing your fingers still stink?

As pointed out by Barb F., who contributed the term listed below, a

fart can be regarded as "aerosolized poop," which means that micro-

21

scopic fragments and

droplets of poop are actu-

ally distributed throughout

the gaseous matrix of the

fart. When delivered from

the anus with some force,

the components of the fart

can penetrate one's cloth-

ing and these tiny particles

can be trapped in the fi-

bers of the cloth. The par-

ticles are transferred to

your fingers and then your

nose when you scratch and

sniff.

Where does the word "fart" come from?

According to Eric Partridge in his excellent book of word origins ,

our word fart comes from the Old English word feortan, presumably

of echoic origin, meaning that the word was chosen to sound like the

object named.

When it is cold outside and you fart, can you see it

like you can see your breath?

Now, that's an interesting idea! My guess would be yes, since farts

are nice and moist like our breath, but this is one question that I'm not

in a position to answer. I live in the tropics, and it never gets cold here.

So all of you who live in cold places, try it out and let me know. I'd

guess that there are really two questions here: can you see the fart with

no pants on, and can you see the fart even with pants on...

23

Celebrity Farting

24

In a recent issue of Rolling Stone,

George Clooney talks candidly on

flatulation and iFart.

Even the idea of a fart makes me

laugh,” he tells the magazine.

“Saying the word ‘fart’ makes me

laugh. I have iFart on my phone. I

have remote whoopee cushions.

Farts. To me, there’s nothing fun-

nier.”

Sure. That was me

25

We beamed up a Klingon fart

26

Presidential Farts

I only let fly a

little one

27

Yes we can and we do!

28

The Earle of Oxford, making his obeisance (meaning he bowed) to

Queen Elizabeth, happened to let a Fart, at which he was so abashed

and ashamed that he went to Travel 7 years. On his return, the Queen

welcomed him home and said, ‘My Lord, I had forgotten the fart.’

Royal Farts

29

The President and the Queen

While representing the U.S. on a formal visit to England, President Bush

joined Queen Elizabeth II in an ornate 17th-century style coach, which

was hitched to a team of huge white horses. The coach proceeded

through the streets of London en route to Buckingham Palace, as the

Queen and the President waved to the cheering throngs gathered at the

roadside. Unexpected one of the horses on the Queen’s side of the

coach produced an earth-shattering fart that shook the whole vehicle and

created a most uncomfortable situation. The President and the Queen

tried to act as if nothing happened, but the Queen wanted to apologize

for the horse’s rude behaviour, so she said, "Mr. President, please accept

my regrets. There are certain things that are outside the realm of a

Queen’s control." President Bush replied, "Your Majesty, please don't

give it another thought. After all, if you hadn't said something, I would

have thought it was one of the horses."

30

Spiritual Farts

31

Do this in remembrance of me!

Bless me Father for I have farted

32

She did what in church????

33

God in his wisdom creates everything for a purpose

35

Public Farting

By the Common Folk

37

What is motherless, fatherless, born without skin,

Spoke one word and never spoke again?

39

Perfume

An old woman was riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City

office building.

A young and beautiful woman got into the elevator and, smelling like

expensive perfume, turns to the old woman and says arrogantly,

"Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

Then another young and beautiful woman got on the elevator and also

very arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150

an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination

and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both

beautiful women in the eye, bends over, and farts....... "Broccoli - 49

cents a pound!!!"

42

Jonathon Swift on Farting

Don Fartinanado Puff-Indorst, Professor

of Bumbast at the University of Crack-

owow, published “The Benefits of Farting

and Arse Musica” in pamphlet form in

1722. Its real author, however, was Jona-

than Swift, though you will search mostly

in vain through biographies to find any

reference to the fact.

Swift’s fixation is not merely scatological but religious and political, the

title itself a parody of the most celebrated religious writer of the previous

century. By identifying fifty-two women in Arse Musica for their

“prowess in farting,” a Swift biographer contends that Swift is claiming

an intimacy with these women that included sex. Their names are hidden

by suggestive pseudonyms that are difficult for the modern reader to de-

cipher but which were obvious to Swift’s contemporaries.

Swift ends by proving not only that the suppression of farts leads to

Quakerism, but also to excessive talkativeness in women.

But not before showing the fart as a great equalizer and liberator—a tri-

umph, if you will—which is how I will end my essay, invoking you, as

Swift did, to: “Fart away, then, my brethren, and let farting be in common

among you. Vie with each other in producing the sonorous, full-toned,

loud fart.”

43

In Dante’s Divine Comedy, the last line of Inferno Chapter XXI reads: ed

elli avea del cul fatto trombetta. In other words: “and he used his ass

as a trumpet.”

44

Fart Sounds for your Iphone or Ipad

This is a must for the man who has everything. One of the most impor-

tant apps ever devised for the mobile phone. It now comes with Social-

Fart, a valuable ingredient for any social occasion. An additional Atomic

App is available for the connoisseur.

ScreenShots

http://itunes.apple.com/us/app/atomic-fart-free/id303276697?mt=8

http://itunes.apple.com/us/app/ifart-mobile-1-fart-machine/

id293760823?mt=8

Essential Equipment and Services

45

This is an extremely valuable link to a well researched compilation of

fort sounds. The variety of sounds is almost infinite but this is an im-

portant attempt to classify them into their genus.

http://www.fart-sounds.net/fart_sound_board.htm

Fart SoundBoard

46

The database for

Japanese and Chi-

nese classics at Waseda University Library has digitised a

rare scroll showing a he-gassen (屁合戦), or ‘farting compe-

tition’ (see it here in full).

Apparently, similar drawings were used to ridicule western-

ers towards the end of the Edo period, with images depict-

ing the westerners blown away by Japanese farts.

There is no historical record of flatulence actually used in

the martial arts though the author is aware of many that

could have been. Many strange schools were developed in

the arts of self defence. One school deliberately developed

halitosis so bad that fighters could disarm their opponents

by burping in their face.

Samurai Farting

48

A Serious Problem

There was a very prim and proper lady who had a problem with passing

gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about

this kind of thing it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, how-

ever, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.

After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes

in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in

his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could

help.

"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem."

"A gas problem?" replied the doctor.

"Yes. Yesterday afternoon, I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his

wife and had six, um, er, ahhh...silent gas emissions. Fortunately there

was no odour. Last night, I had dinner with the governor and his wife

and had four silent and odourless gas emissions. Then, while sitting in

your waiting room I had five silent and odourless gas emissions!

"Well," said the doctor thoughtfully, "I can give you this medicine. Please

take it regularly and come back next week.”

When the lady returned she was in a terrible state. “Doctor,” She said,

“This is very terrible. I’m still making gas but now they are very loud.”

“Good!” said the Doctor. “We've fixed your ears. Now we’ll fix your

nose.”

49

You’re so uptight that when you fart only a dog can hear it.

Fart in the Lift

An Avon lady got on an empty elevator and exploded a smelly fart.

“What am I going to do now?'' she thought. She pulled a can of pine-

scented air freshener out of her bag of samples and sprayed it all around

her.” The door to the elevator opened and a rather inebriated man gets

on. The door closes and suddenly he gets a whiff and exclaims, “Jeez!

Smells like somebody shat on the Christmas tree"

50

Japanese Fart

A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she married,

she was to please her husband and never upset him. So the first morning

of her honeymoon, the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after

making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes, and acci-

dentally let out a big fart. She looked up and said: "Aww So sorry...excuse

please, front hole so happy back hole laugh out loud."

Confucius say: "Crowded elevator always smell different to midget. “

51

A fart can be quiet,

A fart can be loud,

Some leave a powerful,

Poisonous cloud.

A fart can be short,

Or a fart can be long,

Some farts have been known,

To sound just like a gong.

Some farts do not smell,

While others are vile,

A fart may pass quickly,

Or linger awhile.

A fart can create

A most-curious medley,

A fart can be harmless,

Or silent, but deadly.

A fart can occur

In a number of places,

And leave everyone

With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairies,

To small elevators,

A fart will find all of us

Sooner or later.

So be not afraid

Of the invisible gas,

For always remember,

That farts, too, shall pass.

A Fart Poem

53

Non Human Farts

Take That!

58

Confucius say .... That those who constantly belch after eating have

mouth that is likened to asshole with teeth.

59

Cat Farts

Cat farts are particularly noxious. Cats are also very sneaky. This is a

bad combination.

61

That feels

better

62

I Did

63

Me too

I Did too

64

Pal should not be fed to cats.

65

My friend doesn’t think its funny

but I do.

Take that!

66

The North Korean Fart bomb is produced from Tofu

(soya beans)

67

Dangerous Farting

Cigarette Smoking and Farting

Sure nicotine and tars are bad but if you thought that was all there

is to worry about... Think again!

68

tleman

gets good

71

Write your resolution in this space

I will never smoke and fart at the same time

again!!!!

72

That’ll teach him

Never throw your buts in a cow paddock

73

Very Dangerous! The girl on the right was incinerated.

Never smoke

and Fart at

the same time!

Fortunately Mum

came back three hours

later

74

Very Dangerous

Fart prevention trousers may be an attractive fashion accessory

and are often useful in certain instances, but they have been

known to blow up like a balloon and explode with considerable

force

75

Very Dangerous

Thirty seconds later they were two kilometres away

77

Useful Signs

81

Smell Detectors in Lift

FARTERS PROSECUTED

84

Essential reading for the newly wed

85

Fart Categories

Much research by brilliant and learned minds has gone into

the categorisation of farts. Much study has yet to be done

and this list is presented for reference only.

86

THE ALARM FART: This is a good

fart for the beginner. It is easy to iden-

tify. It starts with a loud unnatural

high note and ends with a quick

downward note that stops before you

expect it to. It sounds like something

is wrong and will usually get you alarmed. If it happens to you,

you will know right away because of the nervous feeling you

will have.

THE AMPLIFIED FART: This is any fart that gets is power

more from being amplified than from the fart itself. A metal

porch swing will amplify a fart every time as will a tin drum, a

cardboard box etc. These are common farts under the right

conditions.

THE ANTICIPATED FART: This

one warns that it is back there waiting

for some time before it arrives. A per-

son who is uneasy for a time in a crowd

and who later farts at a time when they

think no one will notice has farted an

Anticipated Fart.

THE BACK SEAT FART: This is a

fart that occurs only in automobiles. It

87

is identified chiefly by odor. The Back

Seat Fart can usually be concealed by

traffic noise as it is an eased-out fart

and not very loud. But its odour is

foul, will give it away, due to the way

air moves around in a car. And then

someone will say, who farted in the

back seat?

THE BARRED OWL FART: A familiarity with owl calls is

helpful in identifying this fart. Almost any morning if you get

up just before daybreak you can hear one of these birds talking

to himself. It's a sort of a crazy laugh, particularly the way it

ends. If you hear a fart that has about eight notes in it, ending

on a couple of down notes, and it sounds maniacal, you have

heard the rare Barred Owl Fart.

THE BIGGEST FART IN THE WORLD: Like the great

bald eagle, this fart is pretty well described by its name this can

either be a group one or two. This fart

is totally awe-inspiring. The first time I

heard it was in a high school audito-

rium, right after the national anthem.

After the fart the whole auditorium

rose clapping.

88

THE BULLET FART: Its single and

most pronounced diagnostic charac-

teristic is its sound. It sounds like a

rifle shot. The farter can be said to

have snapped it off. It can startle spec-

tators and farter alike. Fairly common

following the eating of the more com-

mon fart foods, such as beans.

THE COMMAND FART: This fart differs from the Antici-

pated Fart in that it can be held for long periods of time wait-

ing for the right moment. Unlike the Anticipated Fart, it is in-

tended to be noticed. Harold Tabor recently held a Command

Fart for the whole period in history class and let it go right at

the end when the teacher asked if there were any questions.

THE COMMON FART: This fart needs little description. It is

to the world of farts what the house sparrow is to the world of

birds. I can see no point in describing this far any further.

THE CROWD FART: The crowd fart is

distinguished by its very potent odour,

strong enough to make quite a few peo-

ple turn look around. The trick here is

not to identify the fart but the farter.

This is almost impossible unless the

89

farter panics and makes a coughing noise,

or looks up to the ceiling as if something

up there fascinates him. Very common in

the supermarket.

THE CUSHIONED FART: A concealed fart, sometimes suc-

cessful. The farter is usually on the fat side, sometimes a girl.

They will squirm and push their butt way down into the cush-

ions of a sofa or over-stuffed chair and ease-out a fart very

carefully without moving then or for some time after. Some

odour may escape, but usually not much. Common with some

people.

THE DID AN ANGEL SPEAK FART: Very simply any fart

in church, temple, or any place of worship. For fart watchers

who go to church this is a must to watch for, as this is the only

place it can occur.

THE DUD FART: The Dud Fart is

not really a fart at all. It's a fart that

fails. For this reason it is strictly a

group one identification fart, because

there is no real way you can identify a

fart that somebody else expected to

fart but didn't. It is the most private

of all farts. In most cases the farter

90

usually feels a little disap-

pointed.

THE ECHO FART: This is a

fart that can be wrongly iden-

tified. It is not some great loud

fart in an empty gym or on the

rim of the Grand Canyon. The

true Echo Fart is a fart that

makes its own echo. It is a two

-toned fart, the first tone loud,

then a pause, and then the sec-

ond tone. Like an echo.

THE ENGLISH FART: A very classy fart. The sound alone

distinguishes it from all other farts. There are some who will

say that this is a put-on accent, but that is silly. When it comes

to farting goes around sounding like an Englishman. It hap-

pens or it doesn't. The sound it makes is a _THIP_. Some-

times it will go__THIP__THIP__. It is unmistakable. It is

probably as proper and upper class as a fart can get.

THE EXCLAMATION FART: This is a punctuation fart.

Timing is the whole thing. The farter, or someone, must be

speaking. For instance the speaker will say "Ah shut up!" and

then someone will fart a loud sharp fart. This is a true excla-

91

mation fart. If the speaker is also the

farter he may delay it until just the

right moment them force it for all he's

worth (usually causing an unwanted

load in his pants). Rare.

THE EXECUTIVE FART: A very loud fart by a very impor-

tant person is an executive fart. It is either sharp or flat, some-

what off key but otherwise a very business like fart. No non-

sense about it! but no one is supposed to notice. Particularly

the farter. If you do not laugh at the executive fart its either

your afraid of the the person who farted or the fart was just to

gross. Common with very important people

THE FRENCH FART: Said to be the most beautiful of farts.

Usually in a minor key. Soft and musical with many half tones.

Any long drawn out fart that seems beautiful to you is most

likely a French Fart. Very Rare.

THE G AND L FART: This is one of

the most ordinary and pedestrian of

farts, known to everyone. Certainly it

is the least gross. If you have not al-

ready guessed, G and L stands for

Gambled and Lost. One of the most

embarrassing of all farts, even when

92

you are alone.

THE GHOST FART: A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is

supposed to be identified by odour alone and to occur, for in-

stance, in an empty house. You enter and smell a fart, yet no

one is there. People will insist that only a fart could have that

odour, but some believe it is just something that happens to smell

like a fart.

THE HIC-HACHOO-FART FART: This is strictly an old lady's fart. What happens is that the person manages to hiccough, sneeze, and fart all at the same time. After an old lady farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will usually pat her chest and say, "My, my", or "Well, well". There is no reason she should not be proud, as this is probably as neat an old person's fart as there is.

THE JERK FART: The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who smirks, smiles, grins, and points to himself in case you missed it. It is usually a single-noted, off-key, fading away, sort of whistle fart, altogether pitiful, but the jerk will act as if he has just farted the Biggest Fart in the World Fart.

93

THE JOHN FART: The John Fart is simply any ordinary fart farted on the john. It is naturally a group one identification, with the wound, whatever it was, somewhat muffled. If it is all the person's trip to the john amounted to he will be disappointed for sure. Com-mon as pigeons.

THE LEAD FART: The heaviest of all farts. It sounds like a dropped ripe watermelon. Or a falling body in some cases. It is the only fart that goes thud. Except for the odor, which is also very heavy, it could be missed altogether as a fart. What was that, you might think? And never guess.

THE MALTED MILK BALL FART: Odor alone is diagnostic and positively identifies this fart. It smells exactly like malted milk balls. No other food works this way. It is rare.

94

THE OH MY GOD FART: This is the most awful and dreadful stinking of all farts - a fart that smells like a month-old rotten egg - as the Oh My God Fart. If you should ever encounter it, however, you may first want to say, oh shit, which would be understandable.

THE OMEN FART: This is the adult ver-sion of the Poo-Poo Fart. About the only difference is that the farter will not say anything. He will just look kind of funny

and head for the john. This one is easy to spot if you pay attention.

THE ORGANIC FART: Sometimes called the Health Food Nut Fart. The person who farts an Organic Fart may be talking about the healthy food he eats even when he farts. If he is heavily into health foods he may even ask if you noticed how good and pure and health his fart smells. It may smell to you like any other fart, but there is no harm in agreeing with him. He is doing what he thinks is best.

THE POO-POO FART: This is a fart by a very small kid. The kid farts and then says "go poo-poo now". And somebody takes him and he does.

THE QUIVER FART: A group one iden-tification fart only. When you fart, it quiv-ers. If it tickles, then it is the Tickle Fart.

95

If you have to scratch it, then it is the Scratch ass Fart.

THE RAMBLING PHADUKA FART: You must not be fooled by its pretty-sounding name, as this is one of the most frighten-ing of all farts. It is frightening to farter and spectator alike. It has a sound of pain to it. What is most diagnostic about it, however, is its length. It is the longest-lasting fart there is. It will sometimes leave the farter unable to speak. As though he has had the wind knocked out of him. A strong, loud, wavering fart, it goes on for at least fif-teen seconds.

THE RELIEF FART: Sound or odor don't matter on this one. What matters is the tremendous sense of relief that you have finally farted. Some people will even say, "Wow, what a relief". Very common.

THE RELUCTANT FART: This is probably one of the oldest farts known to man. The Reluc-tant Fart is a fart that seems to have a mind of its own. It gives the im-pression that it likes stay-ing where it is. It will come when it is ready, not before. This can take half-a-day in some instances.

96

THE RUSTY GATE FART: The sound of this fart seems almost impossible for a fart. Is is the most dry and squeaky sound a fart can make. The Rusty Gate Fart sounds as if it would have worked a lot easier if it had been oiled. It sounds like a fart that hurts.

THE S.B.D. FART: S.B.D. stands for Silent But Deadly. This is no doubt one of the most common farts that exists. No problem of identification with this one.

THE SANDPAPER FART: This one scratches. Otherwise it may not amount to much. You

should remember that if you reach back and scratch, it automatically becomes a Scratch ass Fart. Common.

THE S'CUSE ME FART: This rare fart excuses itself as it is farted. It is about as close to words as a fart can get. The sound it makes is like a little soft whis-per that says "S'cuse me." The most polite of all farts and very silly when you are alone.

97

THE SKILLSAW FART: A truly awesome fart. It vibrates the farter. Really shakes him up. People back away. It sounds like an electric skill saw ripping through a piece of half-inch plywood. Very impressive. Not too common.

THE SONIC BOOM FART: The people who believe in this fart claim it is even bigger than the Biggest Fart In The World Fart. The Sonic Boom Fart is supposed to shake the house and rattle the windows. This is ridiculous. No fart in the world shakes houses and rattles windows. A fart that could do that would put the farter into orbit or blow his crazy head off.

THE SPLATTER FART: Unfortunately the Splatter Fart exists. It is the wettest of all farts. It probably should not be called a fart at all.

THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER FART: This is one of the few farts that can bring tears to people's eyes and lumps to their throats and otherwise get them all stirred up.

THE STUTTER FART: If you think stuttering is funny, this is a very funny fart. It is a fart that can't seem to get going. The sound is best described as pt,pt,pt-

98

pt,pt-pt-pt,pop,pop-pop-pop-POW! It is usually a forced-out far that gets caught crossways, as they say, and only gets farted after consid-erable effort.

THE TACO BELL FART: The Taco Bell Fart is far richer and full-bodied than your ordinary Junk Fart and takes longer to build up. Sometimes hours or even a day. But it will get there. And it will hang around after, too, even on a windy day.

THE TEFLON FART: Slips out without a sound and no strain at all. A very good fart in situations where you would rather not fart at all. You can be talking to someone and not miss saying a word. If the wind is right he will never know.

THE THANK GOD I'M ALONE FART: Everyone knows this rotten fart. You look around after you have farted and say Thank God I'm alone. Then you get out of there.

THE TICKLE FART: A group one only and one of the easiest to identify. Usually a slow soft sort of fart. If you like being tickled this is the fart for you.

99

Why do you call

me fart face?

100

resonance, it can be heard

102

The End

104

Another smelly publication from Bovine Droppings

Book of Farts

Documents

Transcript of Book of Farts