Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The...
-
Upload
kaylyn-frisby -
Category
Documents
-
view
216 -
download
0
Transcript of Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The...
![Page 1: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/1.jpg)
Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men
and Women Grieve
Kenneth J. Doka, PhD
Professor, The College of New Rochelle
Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation of America
![Page 2: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/2.jpg)
Three Major Goals
To Discuss and Differentiate Grieving Styles (Martin & Doka)
To Apply the Concept of Grieving Styles to Family Systems
To Explore Implications for Counselors
![Page 3: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/3.jpg)
Biography of a Concept I
Father’s DeathCPEDennis Ryan’s chapter in Disenfranchised
Grief
![Page 4: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/4.jpg)
The Myth of Men and Grief
Emotionally UnexpressiveUnable to Relate
![Page 5: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/5.jpg)
Simply put there is only one way to grieve. That way is to go through the emotional core of grief. Only by exploring the necessary emotional effects of
your loved one’s death, can you eventually resolve grief
Staudacher, Men and Grief
![Page 6: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/6.jpg)
The Myth of Men and Grief
Not supported in theory, clinical practice or research
![Page 7: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/7.jpg)
Grief is manifested in many ways
PhysicallyEmotionallyCognitivelyBehaviorallySpiritually
![Page 8: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/8.jpg)
Grief is a very individual reaction
The need to assess
![Page 9: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/9.jpg)
The Tasks of Grief
Acknowledge the lossExpress manifest and latent emotionAdjust to a changed lifeRelocate the lossReconstitute faith and philosophical
systems challenged by the lossWorden (Modified)
![Page 10: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/10.jpg)
Biography of a Concept II
Martin & Doka – ADEC Paper “Take It Like a Man”
NicholsMasculine Vs. Feminine/Conventional
![Page 11: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/11.jpg)
Advantages of Masculine
Theoretical ValueRelated to GenderChallenge Concept that Men Were
Ineffectual Grievers
![Page 12: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/12.jpg)
Disadvantages of Masculine
Confusion with GenderPerpetuates StereotypesDifficulties of Gender Based Terminology
![Page 13: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/13.jpg)
Intuitive vs. Instrumental
![Page 14: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/14.jpg)
Grieving Styles Exist along a Continuum
![Page 16: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/16.jpg)
Intuitive Grief
Experiences Strong Affective ReactionsExpression Mirrors Inner FeelingsAdaptation Involves Expression and
Exploration of Feelings
![Page 17: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/17.jpg)
Instrumental Grief
Experience of Grief Is Primarily Cognitive or Physical
Grief Often Is Expressed Cognitively or Behaviorally
Adaptation Generally Involves Thinking and Doing
![Page 18: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/18.jpg)
Instrumental Grief
“Most contemporary Western philosophies with the possible exception of empiricism, can be understood as instrumental ways to encounter death, loss, and grief” D. Klass
![Page 19: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/19.jpg)
A QuestionWhen instrumental grievers are “doing”
their grief, how conscious does the connection to the deceased need to be?
We believe that the connection does not have be fully conscious though there often is a connection
It should be accessible and consistent with the way the energy generated in grief is experienced by the person involved
![Page 20: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/20.jpg)
Men’s Grief
Smith suggests that Shakespeare’s way of dealing with his grief over the death of his 11-year-old son, Hamnet, was to process his grief in his subsequent plays
His contemporary, Ben Johnson, composed moving elegies to his two deceased children
![Page 21: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/21.jpg)
Blended Grievers
Share experiences, expressions and adaptation strategies of both intuitive and instrumental grievers
Will often have varied experiences and use strategies depending on the relationship to the deceased, the situation experienced, and the time since the loss
![Page 22: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/22.jpg)
Dissonant Grief
Discontinuity in Experience vs. Expression
![Page 23: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/23.jpg)
Oregon Center for Applied Science
Ways of Portraying Model
Heart GrieversHead GrieversHead + HeartHead vs. Heart
![Page 24: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/24.jpg)
Grieving Styles Are Influenced By
Gender – Biological? – Cultural? – Affected by change in
gender roles Culture Temperament Other
![Page 25: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/25.jpg)
Grieving Styles in the Life Cycle
While there is likely to be consistency in a grieving styles, they can change
During the life cycle some movement toward the poles in adolescence and toward the center in later life is not unusual
![Page 26: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/26.jpg)
Differences – Not Deficiencies
![Page 27: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/27.jpg)
These Styles Exist as General Adaptive Patterns and Can Be Seen in Other Circumstances
including the Illness Experience
![Page 28: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/28.jpg)
Each Style Has Its Own Advantages and Disadvantages
![Page 29: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/29.jpg)
Grieving Styles With Intuitive – the
problem of overwhelming potential support
The Paradox of Support Widowers with strong
social support fared well (Silverman & Campbell)
With Instrumental – the problem of premature problem-solving
Alcohol and substance abuse – the different reasons persons abuse substances
![Page 30: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/30.jpg)
What about androgynous approaches?
Schut’s research supports the idea that:– Men valued from affective approaches– Women valued from more cognitive approaches
![Page 31: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/31.jpg)
Disadvantages of Androgyny
Research was based on genderDouble burden of androgynyCrisis is a poor time to teach new adaptive
skills
![Page 32: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/32.jpg)
Support for Grieving Styles
Theory– Grief Reactions and Adaptation– Coping Literature– Emotion Regulation
Research– Gender (Law of Social Physics)– Bonanno, Nolan-Hoeksema– Rosenblatt – Cross-Cultural Research
Clinical Practice– Rando– Stillion & McDowell
![Page 33: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/33.jpg)
Warning!The Use of Models
Models are a tool to understand reality – they should not be confused with reality
Use models to the extend that they assist you or your client in understanding and responding to a problem
When they do not – use other models
“The Chicken George Principle” – When your plan does not work – get another plan!
![Page 34: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/34.jpg)
Family Implications
Four Dimensions
![Page 35: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/35.jpg)
Complementary Vs. Symmetrical
First Dimension
![Page 36: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/36.jpg)
Isolate vs. Interactive
Second Dimension
![Page 37: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/37.jpg)
Respectful Vs. Conflicting
Third Dimension
![Page 38: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/38.jpg)
Differences in the Ways Family Members Grieve Are
Not Differences in Love!
![Page 39: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/39.jpg)
Thou Shall Respect Different Grieving Styles!
![Page 40: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/40.jpg)
Typical Vs. Atypical(Culture and Gender)
Fourth Dimension
![Page 41: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/41.jpg)
Working With Families
Challenge families to acknowledge differences – as differences– Illustrate effective models– Differences in coping and
attraction– Challenge inappropriate
judgments– Take responsibility to meet
own needs
![Page 42: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/42.jpg)
Working With Families
Carefully assess styles and dimensions
Interview family members individually
Persons may appear instrumental as they seek to protect other family members
In effect, they are doing a balancing act – trying to balance their needs with the perception of other’s needs
![Page 43: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/43.jpg)
How Can Counselors Help?
![Page 44: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/44.jpg)
Begin with Self
Acknowledge Different Grieving StylesRecognize the Culture of Counseling (Sue
& Sue)
![Page 45: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/45.jpg)
Validate Grieving Styles
Instrumental Grievers (especially early in the grief process)
Intuitive Grievers (later in the grief process)Male Intuitive GrieversFemale Instrumental Grievers (the most
disenfranchised)
![Page 46: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/46.jpg)
Consistency in history of coping
Comfort in discussing loss
Sense of movement in grief
Assessment instruments
Assess – Do Not Assume
![Page 47: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/47.jpg)
Counseling Approaches
Avoid the “F” WordUse Eclectic Methods – including
Expressive Approaches (intentionally)
![Page 48: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/48.jpg)
Counseling Intuitive Grievers
Traditional Approaches Work Well
Individual Counseling Can Focus on Expressing and Exploring Affect (within a holistic framework)
Traditional Support Groups Can Help (within
a holistic framework)
![Page 49: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/49.jpg)
Counseling Dissonant Grievers
Assess Pattern Carefully Explore Factors Inhibiting
Emotional Expression Create a Safe
Environment for Expressing Emotion
Carefully Led and Structured Support Group Can Work especially men’s groups
![Page 50: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/50.jpg)
Dissonant Grievers Some men can be prone to
dissonant patterns of grief Dominant male ideology
– “No sissy stuff” – avoid feminine behaviors
– “Big wheel” – success and achievement valued
– “Sturdy oak” – do not show weakness
– “Give ‘em hell” – seek adventure and risk
Failure to adhere to these norms can create gender role strain (Levant)
![Page 51: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/51.jpg)
Gender Identity and Grief
Gidden – identity is constantly recreated. Yet, we retain a sense of continuity
Cait – The strong feelings of grief can collide with entrenched ideas of masculinity creating a sense of ontological insecurity that threatens identity continuity
![Page 52: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/52.jpg)
Gender Construction
Movies and other media often portray men grieving stoically or in active ways (Death Wish)
![Page 53: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/53.jpg)
Counseling Dissonant Male Grievers
Assess developmental experiences and socialization experiences in family of origin that inhibited emotional awareness and expression
Create a safe, connected, equalitarian environment
Use self-disclosure and model emotional expression
Use action modalities – body movement, writing etc.
Strategies may include dosing and private expressions of grief
![Page 54: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/54.jpg)
Counseling Dissonant Female Grievers
Assess developmental and socialization experiences that might inhibit emotional expression
Create a safe environment
Teach strategies of dosing
![Page 55: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/55.jpg)
Dissonant Grief: Case
Mark, normally a male who copes in a very affective way, now works excessively after his daughter’s death. He refuses to discuss his grief or daughter and claims it does no good to “wallow in the past”.
In counseling he expresses the fear that if he encounters his emotion, “the dam will burst”
In counseling addressed the idea that perhaps the dam has an overflow valve – the value of dosing
![Page 56: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/56.jpg)
Counseling Instrumental Grievers
Assess Traditional Approaches
May Not Work Well Cognitive Therapies Active Approaches Therapeutic Metaphors
(Carrying a heavy load etc.)
Psycho-educational approaches – especially the use of books and videos
![Page 57: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/57.jpg)
Instrumental StrategiesCognitive
Logical Analysis – breaking the crisis down to manageable units
Logical restructuring – Benefit finding
Diversion/Cognitive Distraction
Information –Seeking Humor
![Page 58: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/58.jpg)
Instrumental StrategiesBehavioral
Problem-SolvingPhysical ActivitySpiritually-Focused
Strategies
![Page 59: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/59.jpg)
Instrumental StrategiesAffective
Ventilation – in safe places
Affect Regulation – dosing
Indirect Ventilation – humor, music etc.
Remember – Pastels vs. Vivid Colors
![Page 60: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/60.jpg)
Counseling Instrumental GrieversMotivating Instrumental Grievers
Whose needs are being met?
An altruistic frame A competitive frame
![Page 61: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/61.jpg)
Counseling with Male Instrumental Grievers
Use styles compatible with the male role such as storytelling
Recognize that men will move in and out of emotions – often using dosing and humor
![Page 62: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/62.jpg)
Counseling with Male Instrumental Grievers
Rituals have had an important cultural and historical role with men – such as rites of initiation
Rituals draw on the need to “do” and offer elements of symbolic control
For example, building a coffin for a dead cat with one’s son
![Page 63: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/63.jpg)
Counseling with Male Instrumental Grievers
Reframing strengths For example, men take
pride in coping with hardship
“It might be tough to sit with your wife as she expresses pain – but that could be a helpful sacrifice”
![Page 64: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/64.jpg)
Counseling Male Clients
Build on strengths Case: Widower focuses on
work to the detriment of children.– Commend him on ability to
care for family in this difficult time
– Assist him to assess the effect of his work on his children so that he can decide whether he needs to bring in more balance.
Troyer, Counseling Widowers
![Page 65: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/65.jpg)
Counseling Male Clients
While Levant et. al stress dysfunctional elements of male ideology, other, more positive aspects can be utilized – Self-sacrifice – Protect the weak– Courage valued– “Take one for the team” –
social responsibility and being a team player
![Page 66: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/66.jpg)
Resilient Widowers
Resilient widowers advice to other widowers– Stay active– Have interests or
develop them– Seek companionship– Rely on faith
(Moore & Stratton, 2002)
![Page 67: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/67.jpg)
The Value – and Danger – of Internet Support
Instrumental and Dissonant Grievers
Allows dosing Offers information Anonymous support The danger is that is
unregulated – information may be poor, support destructive or exploitive
![Page 68: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/68.jpg)
Utilizing Media in Counseling
Application of teaching methods
Value of the familiar to model or engage discussion
Illustration: Home Improvement – model of effective complementary styles, humor, and ritual
![Page 69: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/69.jpg)
Illustration: Support Groups
ValidationVentilationRespite and SupportLearn Coping TechniquesHope
![Page 70: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/70.jpg)
Developing Groups for Instrumental Grievers
Whose needs are being met?
The importance of needs assessment
![Page 71: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/71.jpg)
Traditional Models May Not Meet the Needs of
Instrumental GrieversAdventure-Based GroupsDiscussion and Reading GroupsEducational SeminarsInformal Groups (Sharing Wives’ Recipes)Problem-Solving Groups (Parents without
Partners)Expressive Art Groups
![Page 72: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/72.jpg)
Innovative Ideas
Grief at the BarChris Hall runs a
men’s bereavement group that meets at a pub over pizza and beer
![Page 73: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/73.jpg)
Men’s Groups
The Harvard Bereavement study suggested that fathers were best served by offering a group on how to be good single parents – rather than offering emotional support (Worden, 2008)
![Page 74: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/74.jpg)
Innovative IdeasA Native-American Men’s Support Group
in a Sweat Lodge
In a trip to Alaska, the Inupiat – a Native-American Group held a men's grief support group in a sweat-lodge
Linking the activity with a traditional way that men found healing and support
![Page 75: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/75.jpg)
Counseling Approaches
Use Methods that Transcend Styles– Journal Writing– Expressive Approaches– Therapeutic Ritual
![Page 76: Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Grieve Kenneth J. Doka, PhD Professor, The College of New Rochelle Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation.](https://reader036.fdocuments.us/reader036/viewer/2022062511/5519ab71550346c4608b48d7/html5/thumbnails/76.jpg)
The Possible Paradox
Instrumental Grievers Attraction to the Field
The Culture of Counseling