BABY ON THE SAFE SIDESarah Bartlett & Emily Kendal Frey

Publishing Genius Chapbook Series No. 26

1

People spend a lotof money on strollers.When I point this outit’s like I’m suggestingthey try a Radio Flyer ora spice rack on wheels.Well, maybe they should.

2

I want a baby for each fingerand one for each roomin my house.

The living room will bewhere they sleep—to be on the safe side.

3

Me not having a babydoesn’t mean you’re allowedto make commentsabout my age.

You don’t hear memaking commentsabout your vagina.

4

On its best day, your babyis so much uglierthan my imaginary baby.

That’s what we’re all thinking,even the babies.

5

Some people have a few babiesand then complainabout how busy they are.You don’t see me complainingabout the awesome sex I hadlast night. Dear Birth Machine,Wish You Were Here. Love,Sex Machine.

6

You are carryinganother personinside your body.Doesn’t that make youa person purse?

7

When a baby has a rashwe get so sad. It’s hardto love a scabby baby.But we try anyway.We kind of touch a littleextra on the rough parts.

8

A friend has a babythat we all think looks funny.I suppose we shouldn’tsay that to her so often.I’ll meet you at Grand Centralfor coffee with your weirdbaby, etc.

9

I named my dogafter my friend’s baby.It made me feellike I have somethingvaluable, which ismore than most peoplecan say about possessionsnamed Beatrice or Devon.

10

Can your baby handlea needle? I have a snagin my sweaterand the sweatshopis too far away.I tried trading favorsbut your baby doesn’t want my kale smoothie recipe.

11

He said he wanted five kidsand when I couldn’t stop laughinghe broke up with me.Lately I wonder if maybeI should have considered it,but what’s that phrase?It’s just a lot of babiesunder the bridge.

12

I want to be like Coco Chanel—fabulous constantly.I don’t have timeto mother anything.

She would say that a babymakes a terrible accessory.I’ll make new purchasesand breastfeed them.

13

A baby is a bondingagent like super glueor rubber cement. Spread onein the middle of your lifeand count to ten.

14

Thanks for bringingyour baby to the coffee shop.Maybe in a show of solidarityI’ll wear my bra on the outsideand pet my nipples a little:coo, coo, coo.

15

When you said your babywas named DiscipleI had an urge to tossit into a river.I held it abovemy head like a haloand hoped at the very leastI’d get peed on.

16

At the baby showerI drank too much wineand threw up on thebounce-y seat.The one I gave you.All the women with babieshissed like snakesand I reared uplike a lionand barfed again.

17

One time I held your babytight to my chestand I could tellit wanted to nurse.I was put off by its inabilityto distinguish mefrom the usual background.Like I was a boob shirtor something.

18

Your constant Facebook photo updatesare driving me crazy.You aren’t your baby!Lindsay Lohan competeswith you for media attentionand her herniasare from throwing up.You have an excuse for that.Or at least your baby does.

19

Swell baby.It’s name is on the top100 list of baby names.You’ve had generationsto become more originalbut your kid is alreadyTom Brady with bangs.Tell Gisele to call me.

20

You wear your baby likea chest plate.The way you strokeyour facial hairover your baby’s headlooks painful. I bet it hasbeard burn.I’m going to teach your babyhow to smoke a pipe.

Baby on the Safe Side is the 26th edition of Chapbook Genius.© 2011 Sarah Bartlett & Emily Kendal Frey

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Sarah Bartlett lives in Portland, OR. Her chapbook (co-written with Chris Tonelli), A Mule-Shaped Cloud, was published by horse less press in 2008. Her recent work has appeared or is forthcoming in Filter, New Delta Review, Jellyfish, NOÖ, Burnside Review, Raleigh Quarterly, Coconut, Sir!, Sixth Finch, Diagram, and elsewhere. Poems co-written with Emily Kendal Frey have appeared in New Pony: a horseless Anthology, Bat City, Portland Review, Caffeine Destiny, Alice Blue, and elsewhere.

Emily Kendal Frey is the author of Airport (Blue Hour 2009), Frances (Poor Claudia 2010), and The New Planet (Mindmade Books 2010) as well as three chapbook collaborations. Her first full-length collection, The Grief Performance, was recently pub-lished by Cleveland State University Poetry Center. She lives in Portland, Oregon.