Barnacle 10-9-11
-
Upload
cma-barnacle -
Category
Documents
-
view
219 -
download
0
Transcript of Barnacle 10-9-11
-
8/3/2019 Barnacle 10-9-11
1/7
Good Morning Keelhaulers!
The Barnacle is CMAs very own pirate newspaper! Its less politically correct than our
big sister the Binnacle and hopefully shit-tons more fun, to cite the international
Merchant Marine standard of measure. This paper is published anonymously to protect
the innocent and guilty alike. Well, mostly the innocent. Class of 2015: WELCOME!! The
editors hope you find great success and even greater friends here in our own lil world.
If you freshmen (or non-freshmen!) wish to create your own Barnacle article, picture,
comic, poster or wish to make a comment, good or bad, email us at
Captain Badass or Captain Baloney?
At a recent junior/ senior MT meeting,
Captain Bolton sure gave us an earful. But was it
an earful of sweet sugar or nasty cod liver oil?
The Barnacle investigates.
According to Captain Bolton, soon we
will probably have a special ship cleaning detail
four days a week to clean ship. On the one hand,
thats definitely going to be an extra burden on
cadets, the majority of whom are taking 1.5
times the credits of a normal university student.
But unlike last year, were at least getting a tiny
bit of advanced warning. Also, for those of you
lucky enough not to have been on the Golden
Bear after 8 months at the pier, it gets pretty
filthy. A hundred sorry freshmen crammed into
tiny compartments like so many humanchickens? Yuck.
The details are sparse, but here they are
so far. The cleaning crew (CC) detail will last from
1800-2100, and be every Monday, Tuesday,
Wednesday, and Thursday. It will consist of
about six 4/C, four 3/C, two 2/C, and a 1/C. The
captain may be looking into getting us sea time
for that detail. [Continued on page 3]
Inside This Barnacle You
Might Find
Page 1: Good Morning
Keelhaulers
Captain Badass/Baloney
The Rotten CorpsPage 2: Restaurant Review
MPM Perspective
Mad-Lib
Page 4: CommanDonts Corner
Page 5: New Commandant
Cite the Author
Page 6: Credits
Page 7: The Bilge
The Corps? Rotten? Could It Be?
The following article was
written and published without the
influence or knowledge of Cadet
Sweeney or others who directlywitnessed the incident referenced
herein.
It is with upmost appreciati
that this paper has the opportunity
honor a cadet who, without concern
his disciplinary standing and possibl
future at this school, has shed light
upon the shortcomings of our
Commandant. Cadet Kevin Sweeney
our hats are off to you. It is not ofteever, that you see a cadet bring up s
topics so openly and directly.
The fact of the matter is th
story that cadet Sweeney, as told in
Binnacle, has published is all but too
true. It is not the first time the
aforementioned XO has slandered t
innocent, and it is with great regret
that our leadership finds it acceptab
to let a civil rights issue like this slidand at the same time spend ten
minutes telling cadets what horrible
human beings they are for not wear
a cover.
[Continued on page 4]
A BARNACLE?
WARNINGThis paper includes written and visual material that may be construed as crude, rude and offensive. If you m
POTENTIALLY take offense to any material of such a nature, PLEASE read NO further.
This paper is not intended to be a work of great literature; it is intended for a specific target audience of t
cadets at CMA.
-
8/3/2019 Barnacle 10-9-11
2/7
Ever Wondered What It Would Be Like to Get Engaged?
Find Out Here
Dear Mr. and Mrs. [ ] [ ],
Will you let me [ ] your [ ]? Ever since I have laid [ ] on
[ ], I have [ ] madly in love with her. I wish that she will be the
[ ] of my [ ] and that someday we will [ ] happily ever after. I have a [
] as a/an [ ] that pays $[ ] each month. I promise to [ ] with kindness and
respect.
Sincerely,
[ ] [ ]
NOUN (PLURAL):
VERB:
NOUN:
OCCUPATION:
NUMBER:
VERB:
SILLY WORD:
SILLY NAME:
SILLY NAME:
SILLY WORD:
VERB:
NOUN:
BODY PART (PLURAL):
FEMALE NAME:
VERB ENDING IN "ED":
NOUN:
The Restaurant Review
This months reviews will be an overview of some
favorites close to CMA.
Gracies BBQ
Gracies is located conveniently close, right off Sonoma
Boulevard and Virginia Street across the street from the
equally famous Victorys Army Navy store. The friendly
staff and good ol bbq will certainly fill the old ballast
tank for a fair price. Top pick goes to the Family Style
Sampler Platter, complete with ribs, chicken, hot links
and a plate of sides including green beans, potato salad,
cole slaw, macaroni salad, and corn bread. For $35 and
the ability to feed four hungry sailors (four normal
people will have leftovers) it sure is a hefty meal. The
go-to drink is the swamp juice: half sweet tea, half
lemonade served in a mason jar for $2.50. It sure helps
the meat fest (pun intended) go down!
[Continued Page 3]
An MPM Perspective at CMA
This is to the engineers and deckies who are oh why sugar coat
it. The engineers and deckies who are annoyed with the
presence of global and business students. You may not like us
because we dont seem to be involved with the maritime
industry as much as you think, or because you think this school
should go back to being what it was once before: an institution
filled with only the engineering and marine transportationmajors. GET OVER IT!!
We are here, and we are here to stay. If it werent for the state
stepping in and providing what funding this school gets on the
condition the GSMA and IBL majors be put in, this school would
not be open to you and instead youd have to put up with the
folks at KINGS POINT MERCHANT MARINE ACADEMY (who are
from what Ive heard nothing but a bunch of assholes). Also, we
are the people who defend and make the policies that provide
you your jobs. If it werent for the JONES ACT, there would be
no U.S. MERCHANT MARINE. We make sure that stays in place
for you. The business people are also the ones who write and
sign your paychecks and balance your ships checkbooks. So
while you may one day become captains or chief mates of shipslater on in the future, the fact of the matter is we will be there
making sure this industry is still kept as one of the backbones to
the U.S. Ultimately, who would you prefer make the policies and
give you your checks? Some Ivy League graduate who later
becomes your future politician or banker without a clue or care
as to how the merchant marine world works? Wouldnt it be a
better feeling to know graduates from the same maritime
academy as you, who have seen at least a little of the industry,
were in those positions of power? So let us do our job so you
can do yours.
A Thought from a Captain
After a long summer cruise and a near mutiny experience
aboard the Golden Bear, the president sent the captain to a
psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said, How about you start from
the beginning. The captain replied, Well okay it started off
in the beginning when I created heaven and earth
Hope your ship has a better name than this!
2
-
8/3/2019 Barnacle 10-9-11
3/7
Captain Badass or Captain Baloney
[Continued from page 1]
Also the captain vented his frustration on the
3/C and 2/C not knowing what the tides and currents are
doing at a given time. To be sure this is pretty shocking.
Not as shocking as finding out that Capt CMA was the
richest man in Sun Valley, Idaho, but still. The editorsagree with the good (sorry, great) captain that knowing
what the tides are doing is basically important. But the
reason theyre so useful on real ships is because when a
ship is in port loading/discharging cargo, the ships
freeboard changes. Combine that with tides, and you
need to tend lines frequently. So on the training ship
which never moves and rarely messes with ballast, you
can see why it would be so imperative to know the tides
and currents to the very second.
Beyond that, the captain mentioned new
security measures that could be put in place, includingputting a gate at the pier and moving poor Aadit from
his cozy quarterdeck office into a stuffy, poorly-
ventilated shack by the donkey boilers. There would also
be a TWIC card reader, which would be periodically
used for training purposes.
Finally, the captain mentioned that the ship
would be brought to ISM standards for the deck and
engine logs. For those WEs and CWOs who are
perpetually worried about what does and doesnt go in
the logbook, standardizing these entries should be a
welcome change. Assuming they tell us beforehandprecisely what they want in it, and that the mates and
engineers who evaluate the log everyday are consistent
in what they want to see. So the log entries will probably
be about as standardized as the shoes of the
commandants.
At least the persistence of the captain has resulted in
craptons of money being poured into that tiny,
overcrowded ship. Which makes it better than the other
academies at least. Merchant Marine Academy and
Great Lakes Academy dont even have real training ships.
Mass and SUNY have crappy ancient cargo steam ships,and virtually nobody gets a stateroom (however
crowded). And Maine? They have the sister ship of the
TSBS, minus much of the engine room equipment and all
of the simulator equipment... But it still has lounges. Ok,
so maybe we have the second-best training ship. But at
least we dont go to school in freakin Maine! So, is
Bolton a badass or does he justspout boloney? Here at
the barnacle, we think his statements speak for
themselves.
Restaurant Review
[Continued from page 2]Princess Garden
For fans of Mongolian bbq, this restaurant is guaranteed to satisfy
the appetite. It is located in the Target shopping center, next to the
Starbucks. At a reasonable price of only $13.00 per person, you can
engorge yourself in as many helpings as you want, plus you can call
yourself the sauce BOSS by mixing and matching all the sauces. A
stellar appetizer plate is provided as you sit down; now would be a
good time to order drinks. For those of you of age to consume
alcoholic beverages, the Tsingtao, (pronounced Ching-Dao), is a
great beer. As soon as youre settled in, grab a bowl and start piling
on the meats, veggies and sauces and bring it to the person grillingbehind the counter. The best part about the grill is that you can
help yourself to as many servings as you can handle. At the end of
this fancy feast, read your fortune and eat your cookie, (remember
to always read your fortune first, and then eat the cookie, as doing
this in the opposite order is considered to be bad luck). Whatever
the cookie says, youve been fortunate to eat at Princess Garden.
Double Rainbow Caf
A small ice cream shop on 1st
street in Benicia with a big surprise:
$1 WEINERS!! These lil wieners make the Dub-Bow the double
wiener deal of the month (not unlike some other place we know).
The often youthful and friendly staff provides top notch service
and some of the tastiest ice cream around. The Wicked Hazelnut
Sundae will set you back more than a couple dollars, but the taste
of the rainbow makes it worth the dough.
What Grinds Your Barnacles?
Fill in the blank
o Shaving on the [ W ]o [N ] having a Division Commandero Corps [W s ]o [ ]o [ ]o [ ]
3
-
8/3/2019 Barnacle 10-9-11
4/7
The Corps? Rotten? Could It Be? [Continued from page 1]
So the question remains why the Commandant hasnt done more to
discipline a cadet who clearly crossed the line. When a comment like that is
made, it can harm not only the person to whom it was directed, but to all of
us at CMA. In that regard, we are all owed an explanation from Captain
Buckey about this incident.
Specifically he needs to publicly inform us of the ramifications of aCorps officer making such remarks, and where this officer is in the
disciplinary process. (Were he to merely reference a section in the student
handbook which is not currently posted online is insufficient and shows a
lack of respect for us.) That he has not even given clear answers to the
students victimized in the incident shows that he does not take the incident
seriously.
Captain Buckey, your actions appear shameful to many of us under
your command, and we deserve an explanation.
Whos Who? Lets Play the Matching Game
(Connect the name with the picture, duh)
Yoda Pecota Cook
COMMANDONTS CORNERWelcome to the California State
Penitenti uh I mean Naval Maritime
Encampment Academy
The CommanDOs
Smile Show up four hours early to
watch
Say good morning toCommandant
Leave class early to get tocaptain/admiral hours early
Hang out in uniform at studencenter
Walk with hand on head whenyou have forgotten your cove
Wear brown shoes (I can flyThe CommanDONTS
X Enjoy yourselfX Show up late to
captain/admiral hours
X Listen to music unless sitting(always be ready to pop a
squat)
X Get Financial AidX Leave campus
Some days formojust seems that
rough!
-
8/3/2019 Barnacle 10-9-11
5/7
Cite the Author
If you werent there, you missed it. -__________________
Doooont do it! -__________________
The vassal -__________________
dontchya know! -__________________
Its no big deal, no big deal. -__________________
If you dont trust them, dont get in bed with them. -_____________
The only people that whistle are c*ck suckers and bosuns and I dont see any bosuns round here! -____________
I can see you fools been out drinkin a lot of that amber-colored liquid, getting all goofy-assed! -______________
Don't be gangsta leanin' in the forklift. -____________________
Your kids got problems, need some fixin? Bring em to me, I'll knock em the f*** out! I beat my kids, I beat my neighbors kids,
I even beat my kids kids. I'll beat your kids if you want me to. -__________________
Some Thoughts on the New Commandant
For a guy who does not seem to understand where he is, he seems rather
cocky and hotheaded. This may be founded in the fact he was a big fancy O-6 in
the navy. But I have been shocked by uncharacteristic behavior of someone with
such high rank. In my observation an O-6 is the guy who deals with the political
crap above the general command level and ensures the workforce feels they are
important. Colonel Destafney had done this through his persistent talks about
taking care of each other and being smart. His actions spoke volumes: they
illustrated what he thought was important (our well being) and that is what makes
the Corps feel good about itself.
By definition the corps was lifted up and encouraged through such
compassion. All I see in the new commandant is disgust with our inability to please
his expectations of a new normal. The new commandant has not displayed any
concern for our well being or interest in helping us on our way to being
professional mariners.
It seems perhaps he has overlooked our commitment to this school also
known as $20,000 plus per year. We want to be here. Yet he does not even seem
to be sure of where he is at. We are NOT a Naval Academy! We are a California
State University that specializes in the maritime industry and must meet trying
demands from unwavering standards from many angles such as the State and
Federal governments, STCW and U.S. Coast Guard. If you dont take my word for it,
go around and ask cadets how many credits they are taking. You will find many of
them are taking more than twenty and even close to thirty credits at times.
Commandant, if you take your job seriously perhaps you should consider your job
description and start taking our lives and difficulties into consideration to help
make this a less frustrating place and start caring about US before the next time
you going trotting across the quad to scream at another one of OUR shipmates.
[Continued on page 6] 5
-
8/3/2019 Barnacle 10-9-11
6/7
At CMA you dont break up with your girlfriend, you just lose your turn
This paper has been published by the Wizard, because
there are no Wizard hunts
CITE THE CORRECT AUTHOR, CIRCLE ONE (I AM SORRY THIS IS A
TOUGH ONE)
WE WILL PREPAREYOU FOR AN ATMOSPHERE WHERE PEOPLE DIE
DYLAN MCCULLEY OR MEL GIBSON
GRAB ANKLES AND ACCEPT YOUR FATE.. WELCOME THE NEW NORMAL
Credits
The Wizard: Cause they are not commonly hunted
2182: Cause everyone needs a lifeline
Zeum: Cause everyone likes to go fast. Zoom! Zoom!
Lil-Girl: Cause the baby face says it all
Leondias: Cause every family needs a warrior
Dagne: Cause every day is a fresh start
Man-Child: Cause if the shoe fits, it fits
Crescent-Hammer: Cause you should never leave home without one
Some Thoughts on the New
Commandant [Continued from page5]
There are leaders at CMA that make us want
to be better and others that make us wonder why we
should work hard to impress someone who does notcare about us. A little respect for us and our hard
work would really go a long ways coming from the
commandant.
This school is honestly a really cool place
with the coolest simulators, boats and classes. While
this article may be frustrating to read from the
commandants offices point of view it is nonetheless
a perspective shared by many, if not a majority, of
our body/corps so perhaps it should be considered
with an open mind.
6
-
8/3/2019 Barnacle 10-9-11
7/7
From below the deck platewelcome to the Combine!where we try not to work and pray every day for a catfight
Proverbs from E.O.S. (Engineers Only Space)
- If its smaller than your dick, dont step on it.- If you wouldnt stick your dick inside it, dont put your
hands in there either.
- The next time I catch you pissing in the bilge Ill makeyou scoop it out with your mouth.
- I like it down here in the engine room. Everything
reminds me of being surrounded by hot, steamy,
curvaceous women, except nothing talks back.
Yuri of Old Country and How to Greet a Commanding
Officer
Yuri: Goot day, komrad!
Commandant: Good day, cadet. But Im not Conrad, Im the
Commandant, and youllYuri: Werry good, komrad! How eez yoor vaif?
Commandant: Uh, shes alright, but I told youand why
Yuri: Dat eez eksyellent to hyeer! Shee vaz wyerry goot last
night, too
Questions to make you think
How many spark plugs does it take to make a diesel engine
turnover once?
Who implemented the metric system as one of the first standa
of measurement?
How good would those Canadian Geese taste?How do you spell incorrigible?
What is a combine?
The Newest Weapon(s) in the Corps Endless War of
Demoralizing the Cadets, and Why
- Banning ear phones while out and aboutin preparationclosed loop propaganda straight from the Corps and th
butt lickers
- Wearing hats all the timeso that we are forced to walloin this shit existence that we soldier through at this
school
- Commandants walking through Lower, Upper, and SuperResbecause its not enough for us to be subjected to
their vanity-which-is-actually-passed-off-as-care while
walking between classes
The Schools Part in the ongoing campaign of Operation
Dishearten
- Buying new Dodge Chargers for Public Safetybecause wedont need new chairs, tables, carpeting, or just a whole
new classroom building in itself, but they spend on our
safety providers arent even capable of keeping our bikes
from getting jacked from their racks
- The spike strip at the gateits not enough that we see thegate as a symbol of imprisonment, now everyone else who
visits does too
- Shitty mess deck foodthis is my third year here, and Ihavent eaten food this bad for as long as I can remember;
one night I ate half a bag of Famous Amos cookies, tea,
and two oranges because there was nothing worth eating
in Hells Kitchen