August Free Chapter - CREZZA: From AFL glory to prison and the long road to redemption by Daryn...

8/22/2019 August Free Chapter - CREZZA: From AFL glory to prison and the long road to redemption by Daryn Cresswell

1/16

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2/16

1

1

Sentencing

Sunday, 5 December, 2010

In the weeks before the sentencing hearing, my partner

since2008,Jo,andIheadeduptoNoosaontheSunshine

Coastforafewweeksaway.Wehadtotryasbestaswecould

tomakesenseofeverythingthathadhappenedandtoget

ahandleoneverythingthatwouldfollow.Wedidntdomuch.

Just spentmuchneeded time together.Wewalkedon the

beach,hadafewquietbeersbythehotelpool.Jo,blessher,

wastryingreallyhardtobestoic.Webothwere.Therewere

acoupleofmeltdowns.Ilostitafewtimes.Thethoughtofgoingtojail,theinevitabilityofit,takesyoutosomepretty

darkplaces.Suicidal?IdbelyingifIsaiditdidntcrossmy



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3/16

CREZZA

2

mind.Ithadbefore.Iwastryingtothinkofwaysout,waysof

escapingtheinevitable.Mostlythough,Iwasfeelingnumb.

Andnotjustalittlebitterried.

Lookingback,Jowasarock.Shewasmysaviour.Shenever

oncewaveredinhercommitmenttome.Tous.Shedbeback

homewaitingforme,shesaid,wantingmetoknowthatshe

shouldbetheleastofmyworries.AnditwasnteasyforhershesanEnglishgirl.Shewasouthereonherown,alongway

fromher family.Because Idbeenanout-of-control train,

Iwasgoingtodisappearonherforayear.Justleavehertoy

solo.Iwasobviouslyrelievedshewasgoingtostickbyme

ChristknowsitwasmorethanIdeservedbutIwasracked

withguilt.Itwasheartbreaking.

Andthenthereweremykids:Emily,then7;Jake,5,and

Josh,just2.

Idauthoredmyowntragedy.Theirstoo.Iwashurting

likehell.

ThenightbeforeIwasdueincourtIwassleeplessforacoupleofreasons.

TherstwasthatIknewwhatwascoming.Wedmetup

withthelawyersandtheydlaiditoutplain:itwasgoingtobe

tentofourteenmonths.Ishouldntevencontemplatebeing

allowedtowalk,becauseitsimplywasntgoingtohappen.

Braceyourself,theysaid.Youhavetostartgettingyourhead

right.OvertimeIdcometotakeanythingalawyersaidwith



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4/16

3

Sentencing

agrainofsalt.Thegoalpostswerealwaysshifting.Theonly

constantwasthebills.

Thesecondreasonformysleeplessnesswasthatmyold

teammatefromtheSwansWayneSwottaSchwasshadcome

upforthenight.Hesaripperbloke,Swotta.Wedbeenclose

eversincehejoinedmeatthe club inthemid-90s.Hed

alsobeenthroughhisownraftofissuesandwassmartandthoughtfulenoughtoknowIwasgoingtoneedafriend.

Tobehonest,hewasoneofthefewblokesfrommyfootball

toshowaninterestinmeduringthoselastmonths.Hejust

understood.Hesgotaheartofgold.Hesaid,Imcoming.

Illbethere.Imnotmissingthis.Swottastuckfastregardless

ofanything,andIllalwaysappreciatethat.Thatsnottosay

Ibeargrudgesagainstpeoplewhowerelookingtheother

way.Forthem,justasitwasforme,thewholethingwas

surreal.IfIwasintheirshoesIwouldnthaveknownwhich

waytolookorwhattosayeither.Anyway,weallwentout

tolunch,andlunchmorphedintodinner.Wetalkedaboutwhatlayaheadandspokeabouttheeventsleadingtomy

conviction.Eventhen,onthedaybeforegoinginside,Iwas

stillinastateofdenialabouthoweverythinghadtranspired.

OnedayIwasying;Iwasincontrol;Iwasworkinginan

industrythatIloved.Thenextmomentmylifewasacar

crash.Everythingthathappenedinthemeantimehadbeen

atotalblur.



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5/16

CREZZA

4

InthemorningIsuitedupandwehoppedinthecar,

headed for the Maroochydore Court House hearing. It

waswetandmiserableoutside.Perfectlyapt,Iremember

thinking.Ifeltnothing,reallyjustsour.Andat.Although

apartfromtheobvious,therewasanadditionalreasonfor

that,too.Intheweeksbefore,asyoucanimagine,Idbeen

prettystressed.Mymoodshadbeenswingingthiswayandthat.Idbedeantforabit,thenplummetquickerthanyou

couldsnapyourngerswhenrealitysunkhome.Iwasntan

easybloketobearound.Idseenadoctorandhedprescribed

me some sleeping pills. Id chucked a couple down that

morningtohelpgetmethrough.Iknewwhatwasgoingto

happenthenextday.Iwasresignedtogoingin.Ijustdidnt

knowforhowlong.Thepillssappedtheemotionoutofit.

Istillrememberthedriveintothecity,watchingtheworld

driftby,allthosepeoplethroughthewindowenjoyingtheir

holidaysorgoingtowork,andIwasthinking,Wouldnt it be

nice to be normal?Wearrivedatthecourtjustbeforenineinthemorning.

Mylawyerswerethere,thesolicitorandthebarrister.Sowas

mymother,Clare.Itwashardseeingher.Wedbeenthrough

alotasafamily.Tothatpoint,Idhadthreebrotherswhod

diedbeforetheirtime.AndDadwasstolenfromustooearly

aswell.Naturallyenough,IfeltlikeMumneededmearound,

andnowIwaslettingherdown.Illneverforgetherfacethat



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6/16

5

Sentencing

dayandhowherexpressionsomehowmanagedtoconvey

onepartunequivocal,motherly love andanother of total

hurtanddisappointment.Istillwellupatthethought.Itsa

horriblethingtowatchyourmumendureseeingyouatyour

lowestmoment.

Therewereacoupleofcourtmattersbeforemine,sowe

satinsideforhalfanhourandwaiteduntilmynamewascalled.EventuallyJudgeRobertsonshufedhispapers.He

didntwasteanytimegettingintoit.HementionedthatId

associatedwiththewrongkindsofpeople,butthatshouldnt

detractfromthefactthatIdletdownplentyoftheright

kind. Id been intentionally dishonest and I was out of

control.Hiswordsjustwashedovermeforthemostpart.

AllIcouldthinkofwasmyfamily.Butintheendonephrase

stoodout:Yourgamblingwasquitesensational,hesaid.

Sensational.

AndtherewasIthinkingsensationalwasagoodthing!

FormanyyearsIdenjoyedRocketorRoosyorwhoeverelsesaying,Crezza,youweresensationaloutthere.

HowwrongcouldIbe?

Eventuallyhenishedsummarisingthefactsanditwas

crunchtime.Heaskedmetostand.Idid.

Hereadoutthesentence.

In amongst all the jargon only two words stood out:

tenmonths.





7/16

CREZZA

6

It was at the shorter end of the spectrum, but I stood there

dazed, half vagued-out on sleeping pills, unsure what to do or

think or say. I was frozen, oblivious. Before I knew it, before

Id even taken a breath, the courtroom was almost clear.

It was just me and Jo and Mum and Swotta, and a couple

of emotionless Corrective Services ofcers. It was time for

last goodbyes. Just like that. The whole ordeal narrowed toa single, tiny moment.

Mum and Jo were in tears. I struggled to look them in the

eye. I caught a glimpse of Swotta. I reckon I even detected

a tear in his eye, too. I did my best to hold it together, to

reassure everyone that Id be okay, that it had an end date,

that wed see it through. But really I had no idea. They

were just words lling space. Anything was better than the

sound of my favourite people crying for me. We were soon

separated, I was cuffed, and the ofcers led me through a

door. No one said anything beyond basic instructions. Stand

here. Turn there. Go to this place. Fingers on the ink. Thisbit of paper. Get changed. I just did what I was told. They

bagged up my suit and handed me some prison clothes:

green sloppy joe, green tracksuit pants, velcro sneakers. No

laces were allowed in case you might string yourself up,

I guessed, like on TV. Then it was down the elevator and

into a cell. Again, hardly a word was spoken. No one so

much as looked you in the eye as you were shunted from





8/16

7

Sentencing

one part of the process to the next. It was all absolutely and

ruthlessly clinical.

Oddly or maybe not I was thinking, I can get out o

here. I was looking at the windows and doors and thinking,

I could ft through there. I could just bolt. I I run no ones

going to catch me. Im still pretty ft. I can just go. I briey had

had the same sensation before I went into court and in theweeks before sentencing:Just go. Just get in the car and drive.

Like I was in some kind of movie. But I had no plan beyond

that thats how irrational it was and there were the kids

to consider. I could never do it to them.

In the end there eventually comes a time when youve just

got to man up.

And for me that time began with getting myself forcibly

stripped of all ego.

I wasnt Daryn Cresswell the 250-gamer or Daryn Cresswell

the AFL assistant coach anymore. I was a criminal. And I had

to get used to being a criminal pretty quickly.I knew Id be in the Maroochydore watch house for a

couple of days while they gured out where to send me. My

cell was maybe four metres by two metres. Inside there was

a toilet, a small sink, a bench bed and a radio. That was it.

There was nothing to do but think. At the start Id tick off the

time in half-hour blocks between hearing my name read out

on the radio news: Daryn Cresswell has been sentenced . . .



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9/16

CREZZA

8

andFormerSydneySwanschampion...Igotsickofallthat

prettyquickly,letmetellyou.Hoursfeltlikedays.Twodays

feltliketwoweeks.Isatthereinthesilence,driftinginand

outofbrokenpatchesofsleep.ThewholetimeImthinking

overandoveragain:What are people going to think of me?

How the fuck did I get here? Ive let so many people down. How

am I ever going to get through any of this? What about my kids?How are they going to trust their old man? Itwasahorrible

stateofmind.

Bizarrely, itwas thewords of Greg Lemme, aNational

AustraliaBankinvestigatorandoneoftheblokesincharge

ofthewholeinquiryintomycrime,thatwererattlingabout

inmyhead.Itiswhatitis,hedsaid.Peoplewillcontinue

tohaveimpressions.Itswhatyoudonowthatmattersmost.

Thatsforyou,foryourmissus,foryourchildren.Youconfront

itondayone.Assoonasyoudo,youmoveonandstartagain.

Aftertwodaysofnothingness,anofcer(orascrew,asId

nowcomeaccustomedtohearingthemlabelled)calledoutmyname.

Cresswell!hebarked.Youregoing!

Apairofofcerscameintomycellandcuffedme.Isigned

offonmyvaluablesandwasledtoaprisonbusandshunted

on.Mylifeasanathleteallthatrunningandtraining,all

thosehuge crowds andbig stadiums had come to this.

Ihadtoremindmyselftobreathe,slowlyanddeeply,like



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10/16

9

Sentencing

Iwasliningupforgoal,keepingcalminthemoment.The

differencewasthatthistimeIwaskeepingmylungsfullof

airtostaysane.

The transport van was like a torture chamber. It had

windows,butweweresurroundedbymetalwalls.Despitethe

presenceofpeople,therewasapalpablesenseoflifelessness.

Wewere kept separated from one another, but were stillbreathingeachothersstaleair.ThewholetimeIhadnoidea

whereIwasoffto.Oneofthescrewshadsaiditdbeeither

ArthurGorrieorBrisbaneCorrectionalCentre.Iknewboth

wereprettytoughplaces.Ididntwanttosayanything,but

evenifIdidIwouldvebittenmytongue.Ididntwantto

showanyfearortrepidation.

IdrememberedbacktowhenIwasrstarrestedinSydney.

Idactuallysharedthebackofapaddywagonwithoneof

the bikers whod been involved in the infamous airport

murderthatgrabbedalotofattentionatthetime.Hewas

thesortofblokeyoudlistentoregardlessofwhathesaid,but,thataside,hiswordsrangtrue.HesaidthatIshouldnt

lendanyoneanything.Ishouldnevertakeanythingfrom

anybodyiftheyofferedit.Andifanyonewantedtohaveago

atme,Inotonlyhadtohaveagoback,IhadtogolikeIwas

ghtingformylife.

Neverborrow.Neverlend.Ifsomeonehasago,haveago

back,onlyharder.





11/16

CREZZA

10

LittledidIknow,buthiswordswouldbecomesomething

ofamantra.

AfterawhilewestoppedatBrisbaneCorrectionalCentre.

Iwasusheredoutthebackofthevanandintotheglareof

day.Wewereshufedthroughanotherseriesofclunkingsteel

doorsuntilwemadeitintoaholdingcell.Therewerealready

afewmeninthere,maybetenofusintotal.Cagey-lookingblokes,mostly.Afewbigtoughswiththeirtattoos,allparading

about,doingwhattheythoughttheyneededtodotomake

animpression.Istayedonmyfeetandavoidedeyecontact

withanyone.Itdidntstopthemtryingtogetatme.AsId

laterlearn,lifeinsideajailislikeagameofchessrevolving

aroundwhoknowswhataboutwhom.Youcantaffordtogive

anyoneanyinformationbecausepeoplewillonlytrytoextract

aweaknessthattheycanuseagainstyouinsomeway.

Itwasquietatrst,butitdidnttakelongforthequestions

tostartying.

You! You there. What are you doin here? Where you from?

What are you in here for?

Oneblokeinparticularwasbeingreallypersistent,yapping

untilhegotabite.Eventually,Icouldntignorethemany

longer.

Youthere.Whatareyoudoinhere?Whattheygotchafor?

Fraud,Isaid.

Whatdidyoudo?





12/16

11

Sentencing

Ipuffedoutmychestabit,steelingmyself.

Nothin,Ispat,tryinghardtosoundlikeIdidntcareabout

anything,themleastofall.Myheartwasthumpingthough.

Howlong?hesaid,unsatised.

Dunno,mate,Isaid.Idontknowanything.

Heeyedmeover,checkingmeout.Theyrealwaysprying.

Theytrytorankyou,establishapeckingorder,guringoutwhotheycancontrolorbullyaround.

Afterawhilemynamewascalledoutagain.

ThistimethescrewsIwasalreadyusingthevernacular

oflifeinsidetookmethroughtoapsychologist,whowas

sittingbehindadesk.

Isthisyourrsttimein?

Inodded.

Doyouhaveasupportnetworkoutside?

Yes,Isaid.Ihavefamily.

Areyougoingtobeabletocopeinside?heasked.

Itwasanunanswerablequestion,butIsaidyesregardless.Id heard if you dont say yes you wind up in a prison

hospitalsleepingwiththelightonundertwenty-four-hour

surveillancesurroundedbycrazypeople.Iwasntinterested

inthat.Ijustwantedtogetonwithit.Getonwithsurviving.

Iwentbacktotheholdingcellforafewhourswhenwe

weredone.Thesameblokeswerestillbarkingandmoaning,

pissingontheirrehydrants,markingtheirterritory.





13/16

CREZZA

12

Afterawhilewewererustledupandhandedoursleeping

bagsandjailgear,alongwithtwentydollarstobuychocolate,

smokes,whatever.Weweregiventwoofeverything:shorts,

shirts,jumpers.Andthenwewalked.Wewentthroughone

gate.Clunk.Thenanother.Clunk.Allaroundmetherewere

fenceseverywhere.Iwasthinking,Shit, this is a long way from

the SCG.ItquicklydawnedonmethattherewasnopossiblewayIcouldgetout.Thiswasnodream.

Eventuallyweweremarchedtowhattheyreferredtoas

ourpodtwostoriesoffour-metre-squarecellsthatlooked

overacommunalarea.S9wasthenameofourfty-manpod.

EachcellhaditsownsmallTV,abenchbed,alidlesstoilet

andashowerdesignedtoclickoffaftertwominutes.The

communalarea,basicallyaneatingspacewithalittlekitchen,

hadafewsix-seatertablesandchairsandacoupleofsteel

benchesinfrontofasharedTV.Thescrewswereever-present

insidetheirprotectivepodatoneend.Offtotheotherend

wasalittlebasketballcourtandsomereallybasicexerciseequipment.

Everythingwasbolteddownorweldedtosomething.The

placehadbeengivenafaceliftinrecentyears,soeverything

wasprettymuchnew.Ithadaclinicalfeelaboutit.Akindof

unlived-invibe.

S9wassupposedtobeforrst-timers,buttherewasclearly

abitofamix.Itwasobviousthatafewoftheseboyshaddone



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14/16

13

Sentencing

stretchesbefore.Theyhadawayaboutthem.Theyspoke

thelanguage.Idwalkedinwiththislittlechatty,nervous

guycalledCisco.Icouldtellhewasshittinghimself.Hewas

onlyasmallguy.Ifeltsorryforhim.Itoldhimtostickwith

meandtriedtofortifyhimbygivinghimtheneverborrow,

neverlendspiel.Henodded,hiseyeslikesaucers.

Aroundus,guyswereeyeingusupanddown,tryingtooverwhelmus,sussingusout.Everyonewantedacigarette.

You,yeahyou.Yagotadurry?

Dontsmoke,Idsayandjustlookstraightahead.

Theyleftmealoneafterawhile.ButbloodyCisco,hewas

giving away everything, trying to be everyonesmate. He

broketherulesearly.Iwasalreadyfeelingnervousforhim,

forwhatmightcomeofhim.AndallthewhileIwasbeing

watchedlikeahawk.

Iwasbiggerthen.Maybe100orsokilogramsoverodds

formebutIdneverreallystoppedliftingweightsandId

stillbeenrunningabit.AllIcouldthinkwas, Im t enough.If anyone starts anything, Im just going to go nuts.SickasI

felt,Ijustrepeatedoverandoverinmymind,No weakness.

No weakness.

Eventually,Igottiredofwatchingthewatchers,soIheaded

outtotheyardtobreakthecycle.

Later,oneofthemfollowedmeout.HisnamewasJimmy

Polland.



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15/16

CREZZA

14

Where are you from? he asked. I know you from

somewhere.Sureofit.

Itriedignoringhimandfobbinghimoff,buthekeptsaying

itoverandover:Iveseenyou.IknowIhave.

Dunno,mate,Isaid.

Didyouplayrugbyleague?

Nah,Isaid.Dunnowhatyoureonabout.Eventually, he moved away. I was grateful. All the

questioningwasmakingme edgy.When did being aloof

becomebeingtooaloof?Wasthereanunwrittenrule?Maybe

theydjustreckonIwasarudeprickandbeatthecrapoutof

meregardlessofwhatIdidordidntsay.

Therewasanotherblokethere,MatthewIreland.Hewas

inforarmed robbery.Thatnightwhenwewere sittingat

thecommontableforourrstdinnerontheinside,hewas

talkingabouthowhecamefromTasmania.Ihadntbeen

sayingmuch,butthereandthenIletmyguarddownforthe

rsttime.ImfromTassie,Iblurtedout.

Mattseyeslitup.Youcouldseesomethingclick.

Cresswell!hesaidasthepennydropped.AndtothinkI

thoughtyouwasacopper!

Thetopicquicklyturnedtofootballandplayingbackin

TassieandmycareerwiththeSwans.

The mood lightened a bit after that. And, thankfully,



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cresswell/crezza-from-afl-glory-to-prison-and-the-long-road-to-redemption-9781742758299.aspx


16/16

15

Sentencing

Ididntgetstaredatsomuch,butthethoughtofwhatmight

havehappenedtomeiftheycontinuedtothinkIwasan

undercoverboyinbluerattledmeforalongtimeafterwards.

Still,therewasnowayIwasgoingtolurkaroundBrisbane

Correctionalfortenmonths.Thatnight,lyinginthedark

inmycell,IvowedtodowhateverIcouldtogettoaprison

farm.Iwouldbehave.Idkeepmyselftuned.Iddoeverythingright,absolutelybythebook.

WhenIwokeupthenextday,Ibee-linedforthebasketball

courtandstartedrunning.Thesurfacewasasphalt,butthe

prisonshoeswererubbishyvelcrorunners,soIjustdidit

barefoot.Iran100square-shapedlapsthatday.Justticked

themoff,onebyone,allthewhilethinkinghowIwasgoing

tomakethisworkasbestIcould.Theotherinmateslooked

at me like I was completelymad, but their stares didnt

bother me now. I was fortifying myself with a quest for

purpose,areasonforexisting.Irepeatedtherunningdoseon

subsequentdays,eventuallyjackingupthedistance.BythetimeIleftBrisbaneCorrectionalforNuminbahprisonfarm

sixweekslater,Iwasrunning800laps.Myfeetwerelikerocks,

theyweresocalloused.Iwastandmyheadwasclear.

Itwasntmuch,butitwassomething.

Moreover,though,itwasanewstart.Ineededoneofthem.



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