An An IrishIrish Smile to Start Your Day Smile to Start Your Day

While I’m awayWhile I’m awayfor a couple offor a couple of

weeks in Ireland, Iweeks in Ireland, Ithought I’d sharethought I’d sharesome Irish humorsome Irish humorwith you. Enjoy. with you. Enjoy.

– Fr. Tom– Fr. TomWelbers.Welbers.

On an Aer LingusOn an Aer Lingus

fight to Dublin,fight to Dublin,

the air hostessthe air hostess

announced thatannounced that

the cateringthe catering

department madedepartment made

a terrible mistake.a terrible mistake.

A big mixup sheA big mixup she

said. Althoughsaid. Although

226 passengers were on board, they received only 80 226 passengers were on board, they received only 80

dinners. She apologized but said that anybody who is dinners. She apologized but said that anybody who is

kind enough to give up their meal to somebody who is kind enough to give up their meal to somebody who is

hungry would receive free unlimited drinks for the hungry would receive free unlimited drinks for the

remainder of the fight. The next announcement came remainder of the fight. The next announcement came

2 hours later when she said, "If anybody is hungry we 2 hours later when she said, "If anybody is hungry we

still have 80 dinners available."still have 80 dinners available."

On the eighth day, God thought, “What a boring bunchOn the eighth day, God thought, “What a boring bunchthese humans are. Let there be fun and laughter in thethese humans are. Let there be fun and laughter in the

world!” So He created the Irish.world!” So He created the Irish.

An An IrishIrish Smile to Start Your Day Smile to Start Your DayPhone rings in the newspaper offce. "Is this the Phone rings in the newspaper offce. "Is this the

Dublin Times?" asks Mick. "How much would it be to Dublin Times?" asks Mick. "How much would it be to

put an ad in your paper?" "Five Euros an inch," a put an ad in your paper?" "Five Euros an inch," a

woman replies. "Why? What are you selling?" "A ten-woman replies. "Why? What are you selling?" "A ten-

foot ladder," said Mick before slamming the phone foot ladder," said Mick before slamming the phone

down.down.

A sobbing Mrs Murphy approaches Fr O’Grady after A sobbing Mrs Murphy approaches Fr O’Grady after

mass. He says: “What’s bothering you, Mary?” She mass. He says: “What’s bothering you, Mary?” She

replies: “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband replies: “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband

passed away last night.” The priest says: “Oh, Mary, passed away last night.” The priest says: “Oh, Mary,

that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?” that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?”

“Certainly father,” she replied. “He said: “Please Mary, “Certainly father,” she replied. “He said: “Please Mary,

put down that damn gun.”put down that damn gun.”

Brian asks Brendan, “Why are you talking into that Brian asks Brendan, “Why are you talking into that

envelope?” Brendan replies, “I’m sending a voice mail, envelope?” Brendan replies, “I’m sending a voice mail,

you idiot!”you idiot!”

An An IrishIrish Smile to Start Your Day Smile to Start Your DayDr O'Mahony tells his patient: "I have bad news and Dr O'Mahony tells his patient: "I have bad news and

worse news, John." "Oh dear," John replies. "What's worse news, John." "Oh dear," John replies. "What's

the bad news?" asks the patient. The doctor replies: the bad news?" asks the patient. The doctor replies:

"You only have 24 hours to live." "That's terrible," says"You only have 24 hours to live." "That's terrible," says

the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?" Drthe patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?" Dr

O'Mahony replies: "I've been trying to contact you O'Mahony replies: "I've been trying to contact you

since yesterday."since yesterday."

An Irishman is struggling to fnd a parking space. An Irishman is struggling to fnd a parking space.

"Lord," he prayed. "I can't stand this. If you open a "Lord," he prayed. "I can't stand this. If you open a

space up for me, I swear I'll give up the Guinness and space up for me, I swear I'll give up the Guinness and

go to Mass every Sunday." Suddenly, the clouds part go to Mass every Sunday." Suddenly, the clouds part

and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without

hesitation, the Irishman says: "Never mind, Lord, I hesitation, the Irishman says: "Never mind, Lord, I

found one!"found one!"

An An IrishIrish Smile to Start Your Day Smile to Start Your DayPaddy goes into a bar and orders seven shots of Paddy goes into a bar and orders seven shots of

Jamison and one Guinness. The barman lines up shotsJamison and one Guinness. The barman lines up shots

and goes to get the Guinness. When he comes back and goes to get the Guinness. When he comes back

with the pint, all seven shots are gone. The barman with the pint, all seven shots are gone. The barman

says: “Wow! You sure drank those fast.” Paddy says: “Wow! You sure drank those fast.” Paddy

explains: "You would drink fast too if you had what I explains: "You would drink fast too if you had what I

have.” The barman asks: “What do you have?” Paddy have.” The barman asks: “What do you have?” Paddy

reaches into his pocket and says: “Only ffty cents!”reaches into his pocket and says: “Only ffty cents!”

Mickey stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the Mickey stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the

quickest way to Cork. Paddy says: "Are you on foot or quickest way to Cork. Paddy says: "Are you on foot or

in a car?" Mickey replies: "In a car." "Well that's the in a car?" Mickey replies: "In a car." "Well that's the

quickest way," says Paddy.quickest way," says Paddy.

An An IrishIrish Smile to Start Your Day Smile to Start Your DayMurphy walked his dog through the village every day. Murphy walked his dog through the village every day.

One day he is on his walk without the dog. His pal One day he is on his walk without the dog. His pal

Billy sees him and asks: "Where is your dog?" Murphy Billy sees him and asks: "Where is your dog?" Murphy

answers: "I had to have him put down." "Was he answers: "I had to have him put down." "Was he

mad?" asks Billy. "He was none too pleased, I tell ya," mad?" asks Billy. "He was none too pleased, I tell ya,"

Murphy replies.Murphy replies.

Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy

has a bag of doughnuts in his hand. Paddy says to has a bag of doughnuts in his hand. Paddy says to

Mick: "If you can guess how many doughnuts are in myMick: "If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my

bag, you can have them both."bag, you can have them both."

An An IrishIrish Smile to Start Your Day Smile to Start Your DaySeamus opens the newspaper and is shocked to see hisSeamus opens the newspaper and is shocked to see his

OWN obituary. In a panic, he phones his friend and OWN obituary. In a panic, he phones his friend and

asks: "Did you see the paper?! "They say I died!" The asks: "Did you see the paper?! "They say I died!" The

friend replies: "Yes, I saw it! So, where ya calling friend replies: "Yes, I saw it! So, where ya calling

from?"from?"

An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders

three whiskeys. The barman asks: "Would it be better three whiskeys. The barman asks: "Would it be better

if I put all three shots in one glass?" The Irishman if I put all three shots in one glass?" The Irishman

replies: "No! I have two brothers back at home, so replies: "No! I have two brothers back at home, so

every time I come into a pub, I order and drink a shot every time I come into a pub, I order and drink a shot

for them both as well." The following week, the for them both as well." The following week, the

Irishman orders just two whiskeys. The barman asks: Irishman orders just two whiskeys. The barman asks:

"Did something happen to one of your brothers?" "Oh "Did something happen to one of your brothers?" "Oh

no," replies the Irishman. "I just decided to quit no," replies the Irishman. "I just decided to quit

drinking!"drinking!"

An An IrishIrish Smile to Start Your Day Smile to Start Your DayTwo Irishmen were working in the public works Two Irishmen were working in the public works

department. One would dig a hole and the other woulddepartment. One would dig a hole and the other would

follow behind him and fll the hole in. After a while, follow behind him and fll the hole in. After a while,

one amazed onlooker said: "Why do you dig a hole, one amazed onlooker said: "Why do you dig a hole,

only to have your partner follow behind and fll it up only to have your partner follow behind and fll it up

again?" The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, again?" The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed,

"Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're

normally a three-person team. But today the lad who normally a three-person team. But today the lad who

plants the trees called in sick."plants the trees called in sick."

Mick and Paddy are walking along when Mick falls Mick and Paddy are walking along when Mick falls

down a manhole. Paddy shouts down: "What shall I down a manhole. Paddy shouts down: "What shall I

do?" Mick barks back: "Call me an ambulance!" Paddy do?" Mick barks back: "Call me an ambulance!" Paddy

then says. “You’re an ambulance.”then says. “You’re an ambulance.”

An An IrishIrish Smile to Start Your Day Smile to Start Your DayThree guys – one Irish, Three guys – one Irish,

one English, and one one English, and one

Scottish – are out Scottish – are out

walking along the beachwalking along the beach

together one day. They together one day. They

come across a lantern come across a lantern

and a genie pops out of and a genie pops out of

it. “I will give you each it. “I will give you each

one wish, that’s three one wish, that’s three

wishes in total,” says thewishes in total,” says the

genie.The Scottish guy genie.The Scottish guy

says, “I am a fsherman, my dad’s a fsherman, his dad says, “I am a fsherman, my dad’s a fsherman, his dad

was a fsherman and my son will be one too. I want all was a fsherman and my son will be one too. I want all

the oceans full of fsh for all eternity.” So, with a blink the oceans full of fsh for all eternity.” So, with a blink

of the genie’s eye, the oceans were teeming with fsh. of the genie’s eye, the oceans were teeming with fsh.

The Englishman was amazed, so he said, “I want a wallThe Englishman was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall

around England, protecting her, so that no one will getaround England, protecting her, so that no one will get

in for all eternity.” Again, with a blink of the genie’s in for all eternity.” Again, with a blink of the genie’s

eye, there was a huge wall around England. The eye, there was a huge wall around England. The

Irishman asks, “I’m very curious. Please tell me more Irishman asks, “I’m very curious. Please tell me more

about this wall.” The genie explains, “Well, it’s about about this wall.” The genie explains, “Well, it’s about

150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that

nothing can get in or out.” The Irishman says, “Fill it nothing can get in or out.” The Irishman says, “Fill it

up with water.” up with water.”

“Hello, Aer Lingus Airlines?” said Big Mick Lonegan. “Hello, Aer Lingus Airlines?” said Big Mick Lonegan. “Could ye be tellin’ me how long it takes to fy from Boston “Could ye be tellin’ me how long it takes to fy from Boston to Dublin?” The voice on the telephone said “I’ll see sir, just to Dublin?” The voice on the telephone said “I’ll see sir, just a minute.” “Ahh, ’tis fast. Thank ye,” Mick said as he hung a minute.” “Ahh, ’tis fast. Thank ye,” Mick said as he hung up.up.

An An IrishIrish Smile to Start Your Day Smile to Start Your DayFinnegan’s wife had been killed in an accident and theFinnegan’s wife had been killed in an accident and the

police were questioning him. “Did she say anything police were questioning him. “Did she say anything

before she died?” asked the sergeant. “She spoke before she died?” asked the sergeant. “She spoke

without stopping for about 40 years,” said Finnegan.without stopping for about 40 years,” said Finnegan.

Did you hear about the Irish water polo team?Did you hear about the Irish water polo team?All their horses drowned.All their horses drowned.

An Irishman and an American were sitting in the bar An Irishman and an American were sitting in the bar

at Dublin airport. “I’ve come to meet my brother,” saidat Dublin airport. “I’ve come to meet my brother,” said

the Irishman. “He’s due to fy in from America in an the Irishman. “He’s due to fy in from America in an

hour’s time. It’s his frst trip home in forty years”. hour’s time. It’s his frst trip home in forty years”.

“Will you be able to recognize him?” asked the “Will you be able to recognize him?” asked the

American. “I’m sure I won’t,” said the Irishman. “AfterAmerican. “I’m sure I won’t,” said the Irishman. “After

all, he’s been away for a long time”. “I wonder if he’ll all, he’s been away for a long time”. “I wonder if he’ll

recognise you?” said the American. “Of course he recognise you?” said the American. “Of course he

will,” said the Irishman. “Sure, an’ I haven’t been awaywill,” said the Irishman. “Sure, an’ I haven’t been away

at all!”at all!”

An An IrishIrish Smile to Start Your Day Smile to Start Your DayPaddy was in New York, patiently watching the traffc Paddy was in New York, patiently watching the traffc

cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the

fow of traffc and shouted, “Okay pedestrians”. Then fow of traffc and shouted, “Okay pedestrians”. Then

he’d allow the traffc to pass. He’d done this several he’d allow the traffc to pass. He’d done this several

times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the

cop had shouted “Pedestrians” for the 10th time, cop had shouted “Pedestrians” for the 10th time,

Paddy called over to him, “Is it not about time ye let Paddy called over to him, “Is it not about time ye let

the Catholics across?”the Catholics across?”

Two Irishmen looking for work see a sign that reads TREE Two Irishmen looking for work see a sign that reads TREE FELLERS WANTED. “Oh, now, look at that,” said FELLERS WANTED. “Oh, now, look at that,” said Paddy. “What a pity there’s only de two of us!”Paddy. “What a pity there’s only de two of us!”

Mrs Monaghan came into the newspaper offce to pay Mrs Monaghan came into the newspaper offce to pay

for her husband’s death notice. She was told by the for her husband’s death notice. She was told by the

kindly newsman that it was a dollar per word, and he kindly newsman that it was a dollar per word, and he

remembered Pete and so sorry about him passing remembered Pete and so sorry about him passing

away. She thanked him for his kind words and away. She thanked him for his kind words and

bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. So bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. So

she wrote out the obituary, “Pete died.” The newsman she wrote out the obituary, “Pete died.” The newsman

took a look and saidtook a look and said

he thought old Petehe thought old Pete

deserved more anddeserved more and

he’d give her threehe’d give her three

more words at nomore words at no

charge. Mrscharge. Mrs

Monaghan thankedMonaghan thanked

him and changed ithim and changed it

to: “Pete died. Boatto: “Pete died. Boat

for sale”.for sale”.

A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayA rich old man goes for his regular round of golf with his buddies but this time he brings along a gorgeous young lady. “Guys, meet my new fancée”, he says, full of pride as he introduces her to his pals. For the rest of the afternoon his friends can't take their eyes off the stunning beauty. After the round of golf the rich man goes up to the bar to buy drinks for the group. When at the bar one of his friendsasks him, “How on earth did you manage to hook up with such a beautiful young lady? You're seventy. She must be at least forty years younger than you!” The old rich guy says, “I lied about my age.” His friend says, “And she believed you? How old did you say you were?” “I told her I was ninety-fve.”

There’s a fne line between a numerator and adenominator.

(Only a fraction of people will fnd this funny.)

A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayEnergizer Bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

The other day a clown held the door for me. It was a nice jester.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.

I had a dream last night that I was a muffer. I woke up exhausted.

Where are mathematicians buried? The symmetry.

A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayI saw an ad that said

“Radio for sale – $1 – volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down!”

When I need it, I can’t fnd it.When I fnd it, I don’t need it.

If I was a waiter, I’d plant a fake engagement ring in everygirl’s champagne glass, just to see their boyfriends panic.

Have you ever felt that awesome feeling when youopen a jar that everyone else has been struggling with?

A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayPolice: “This is the Police. Open your door

immediately!”Me: “Not with that attitude, I’m not.”

I’m an expert at telling really funny stories but wording them in a way that they’re not funny anymore.

They sell sell “family size” bags of candy. Do they reallythink that people are going to share them with their family?

I’m reading a book, and fnd I have to reread the same paragraph over and over because ... well, I don’t know.

Trying to embarrass me is unnecessary. I can do it better myself.

I’m really good at doing something . . . until someone is watching me do it.

A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayTeacher: “Can you please tell the class why you are late?”

Me: “Someone told me to go to hell. Couldn’t fnd it at frst,but now I’m here.”

I would like to thank my arms for always being at myside, my legs for always supporting me, and my fngers

because I can always count on them.

A good friend calls you in jail. A great friend bails you outof jail. Your best friend sits beside you and says,

“Wasn’t that fun?”

“You really said that?”“No, but I was thinking it.”

Did you ever do this? You know something won’t quiteft in the fridge, but you force the door closed . . . and

let it fall out when someone else opens it.

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your Day“I’m so full I’m not going to eat for days. . . .

. . . Uhm, are those brownies?”

People encourage you to stand up and fght for whatyou believe in . . . until they fnd out that what you

believe in is different than what they believe in.

That awkward moment when you realize you are pushingon a door while staring at a sign that says “PULL”.

Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.

A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayMy entire life can be summed up in one sentence:

“Well, that didn’t go as planned.”

Two reasons I don’t trust people:1. I don’t know them.

2. I know them.

Good judgment comes from experience.Experience usually comes from poor judgment.

A police offcer came to my house and asked me where I wasbetween 5 and 6. He seemed irritated when I said

“Kindergarten.”

A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayDon’t give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping.

Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until they speak.

Sometimes the thoughts in my head get bored and wanderout through my mouth. This is never a good thing.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down tohis level, and beat you with his experience.

They say money talks, but mine just waves and walks away.

Wouldn’t it be ironic to die in the living room?

A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayA man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes futtered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say thatso she stayed by his side. A couple of minutes later, hisopened his eyes again and said, “You're nice!” The wife was disappointed and asked, “What happened to ‘beautiful’?" His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”

I have fnally discovered what’s wrong with my brain. On the left side, nothing’s right. And on the right side,

nothing’s left.

Boss: “Who said that just because I tried to kiss you atlast month’s Christmas party, you could neglect to do

your work around here?” Secretary: “My lawyer.”

At the rate law schools are turning them out, by 2050 there will be more lawyers than humans.

A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayWhat do you call a nun who just passed her bar exam?

A sister-in-law.

I wasn’t used to the money when I visited London recently. I bought a box of chocolates and the cashier said, “That’ll be fve pounds.” Indignantly I responded,“Mind your own business.”

A blonde notices that her coworker has a thermos, so she asks him what it's for. He responds, “It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.” The blonde immediately buys one for herself. The next day, she goes to work and proudly displays it. Her coworker asks, “What do you have in it?” She replies, “Soup andice cream.”

A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayA man walked into a curio store and was shopping around. After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it to the counter. “That will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it,” said the proprietor.“Thanks, but I'll just pay the $10 and pass on the story.” He purchased the brass rat and left the store. As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked, the more rats followed. He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and they all kept followinghim. So, in desperation, he threw the brass rat into thewater and all the rats jumped in and drowned. He hurried back to the store. “Ah-ha!” said the proprietor.“You’ve come back for the story, right?” “Nope,” said the man. “do you have any brass lawyers?”

Procrastination is totally a good thing. You always have something to do tomorrow, and you

have nothing to do today.

I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think ofwas, “I bet a donut wouldn’t have done this to me!”

A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayA man working with an electric saw accidentally cuts off all of his fngers. At the emergency room, his doctor says, “Give me the fngers, and I'll see what I can do.” The injured man replies, “But I don't have thefngers!” “Why didn't you bring them?” the doctor asks. The injured man responds, “Doc, I couldn't pick them up.”

When a neighbor’s home was burglarized, I decided tobe more safety conscious. But the old lock on my front door was fimsy and a new lock was too expensive. So Ihung this sign outside: “Nancy, don’t come in. The snake is loose. Mom.”

A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayTHINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN

1.Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.3. When using the ceiling fan as abaseball bat, you have to throw theball up a few times before you geta hit. A ceiling fan can hit abaseball a long way.4. The glass in windows (evendouble pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.5. When you hear the toilet fush and the words “Uh-oh,” it's already too late.6. “Play-Doh” and “microwave” should never be used in thesame sentence.

7. Super glue is forever.8. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.9. Pool flters do not like Jell-O.

10. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving car.11. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.12. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.13. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy.14. Cats spit up twice their body weight when dizzy.

A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DaySix Dumb Questions Real Lawyers Asked In Court

“How many times have you committed suicide?”“Were you alone or by yourself?”“Was it you or your brother who was killed?”“Without saying anything, tell the jury what you did next.”“Was that the same nose you broke as a child?”“Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”

“What’s wrong, Bubba?” asked the pastor. “I need you to pray for my hearing,” said Bubba. The pastor put hishands on Bubba’s ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, “So how’s your hearing?” “I don’t know,” said Bubba. “It isn’t until next Tuesday.”

If a church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.